This post has less to do with autism than it does with depression, but depression isn’t uncommon for people with autism so I think it still applies here.

I have thought about dying since I was old enough to pull the handle on a car door. I just couldn’t help but think of what it would be like to open the door on the freeway and roll out into oncoming traffic. It probably sounds pretty grotesque, but it’s what I thought about as a 5 year old. I just had this sadness built up inside of me and the only way I could see it disappearing was through dying.

This post, however, is not about dying. It is about living. You see, I’m still here. Even though I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember, I’m still living. And the reason I am still living…

I want you to know that depression doesn’t keep me from being happy. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but when we remember that depression is simply a mental illness, or in other words, sickness that occurs in the mind, it makes sense.

I have an undiagnosed medical condition that has prevented me from being able to eat normally. Although it can be serious at times and it means my eating habits widely differ from those of most people, I am overall fairly healthy. The same is true with my mental illness. Although I may have long periods of darkness when I see little light or hope in life, I am overall happy.

In fact, I am one of the happiest people I know. Even though I think about suicide sometimes, even though I still struggle with desires for self injury, even though I sometimes cry for hours at a…

Monday 22nd February

“Love will always cost you grief.
And
Love is always worth the price.”

That my grief is so painful
Is purely because
I love you so much
And miss what was.

That my heart is breaking
Is purely because
I think of you often
And miss what was.

That my tears fall freely
Is purely because
I’m remembering you
And I miss what was.

To the moon and back, sweetheart.
Precious Angel son.

xxxxxx

These rules are individual to me. They have been developed and revised over a lifetime of experiences. Although they can be applied to anyone, I believe that we each discover our own path to happiness. Make your own rules to happiness, but feel free to use my rules as a starting point or to get ideas.

1. Don’t put off a good thought.

This is a combination of a few of my favorite quotes and philosophies. “Never suppress a generous thought.” “Never postpone a prompting.” And “write down the thoughts God gives you right away.”

2. Don’t watch, read, listen to, or do anything that you wouldn’t be comfortable thinking about in the temple.

Sometimes this one can be hard because a lot of good movies, etc have bad parts to them. But I try my best to stick to wholesome recreation.

3. Separate yourself from your anger.

When someone…

I was called to college on a Saturday for some extra work today. I didn’t really mind much, but I was tired from a trip yesterday and was grumbling to myself about having to be up and about today when I noticed two small girls in school uniforms.