Archives

Healing Anxiety Activity🖤

Jun30

This is an Instagram post of mine I’m sharing here!

This is not a good picture but it’s the concept I’m sharing. Five years ago, I lost my close friend, who was my coworker, unexpectedly, to a heart attack or sudden cardiac arrest, whatever the correct term is. Anyway, her heart just stopped out of nowhere and she collapsed to the floor and died. It wrecked & traumatized my whole world. I developed anxiety that I never had before. Not a fullblown condition but I would have sudden, insense anxiety/fear, out of the blue. Very difficult to endure. Not panic attacks but still a sense of panic. It was not interfering with life in general but definitely with my sleep and peace of mind. Not anxious thoughts usually, but anxious sensations. Bolts of fear surging through me and gripped in panic along with a couple anxious thoughts sometimes. Through the years those anxiety episodes have lessened but I still experience them. They are no longer about Diane’s death, exactly, but still rooted in that. Recently, I experienced a tragic pet loss and because of the circumstances, that fear has been coming back more again, in waves, and interfering with my sleep. My heart pounds when I’m laying as if I was running a marathon. And my insides are like in turmoil. It’s all day but worse at night. The way I see anxiety in my head is like small, sharp, gray/silver balls of activity wreaking havoc on my insides. Sometimes I imagine the balls of anxiety and visualize white or golden light around them, absorbing them into it until they are gone and only light remains. I decided to draw a picture of my imagination. I don’t draw or anything and not creative but decided to give it a try. I drew the balls in pencil then erased them til they became lighter, as if to lose much of their power, then colored them in yellow. I also wrote the word anxiety at the top and erased it then wrote inner peace over it. I colored around the paper in purple because purple/lavendar is soothing to look at and lavendar scent can have a calming effect. The pencil isn’t scented though. This is symbolic of healing anxiety. 💜💛 It’s a fun and soothing activity!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! It’s Morning here in Philadelphia, Pa, USA! 💛

xoxo Kim

Hearts 4 Haley❤

Oct14

Happy Birthday to & In loving memory of sweet Haley(a beautiful, kind, young woman who was unexpectedly taken by an uncommon genetic disorder no one knew she had). Her family has asked us all to acknowledge her today on her 21st birthday. ❤❤❤ Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia (HHT) is a horrific disease that can end a life in a split second, without warning. Much love to Haley’s family & friends, xoxo Her life touches mine for the better even though I hardly knew her. When someone is that full of light & love, everyone is affected in a positive way, even in just the most brief encounter or even just hearing a story about the person. Her light still shines in this world. Let us remember to be kind today & always, to everyone we meet.💛 #curehht #hearts4haley #hhtawareness #ilmo

In loving memory of sweet Boo, boo❤🐾

Dec31

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”❤

This is Boo. I was his nanny for two years. I just received heartbreaking news that he died. He was very sick and thankfully very old so he lived a long life for a kitty. His mommy & daddy gave him the best, loving furever home a kitty can have, along with his brother, a doggy.

He was the sweetest kitty, so loving and gentle. He never bit or scratched me when I would give him his medication in a syringe even though he did not like it at all. He loved treats and pets and kisses and would purr & meow happily when I visited.

I used to not handle grief & loss well. I used to view the loss of a human or animal I knew as something insurmountable, something I couldn’t possibly overcome. Often when someone would die, I wanted to die too, to stop the pain. Sometimes, I still have fleeting moments like that. To me, it’s just as devastating to lose an animal as to lose a human, although I have much more experience with losing animals and have felt it to be less traumatic than losing a human.

I have learned to see loss as a “side effect” or “byproduct” of being “given” the beautiful gift of someone to love so deeply. Instead of focusing on the loss part, I focus on the “given” part. I did not have to be “given” this pet or person in the first place. Instead of seeing it as something being taken away, I see the gift of what I got to have and hold so close.

Most of my pain when someone dies is not for me but for the one whose life was taken. But I see it the same way, life is a gift and that human or animal got to experience it even if just for a short while. Boo was happy and so well loved and always will be loved. Even though his life has ended, what matters is that he lived.

It was & is so devastating to receive the news about my sweet Boo boo but I’m so thankful I got to know and love him for the two years I did and my love for him will continue as long as I live.

His mommy & daddy wrote me a message and said they are thankful he had a nanny who loves him like my own.

This is the worst part of my job, having to say goodbye. Losing a furry client can be like losing my own. What is the difference? I come to know them and love them and take care of them. Sometimes I even have them overnight and sleep in bed with them, falling asleep with them at night and waking up with them in the morning, like living with them.

Sometimes the pain of losing them is or seems unbearable. And because there are so many of all different ages, sometimes we lose a couple so close together and I wonder what I got myself into taking a job like this.

Animals are so fragile and have naturally short lifespans so I don’t expect to have them around as long as I expect to have humans around (and I shouldn’t even really expect it of humans). In this way, it makes it not quite as traumatic or stressful as a human I know dying but it doesn’t lessen the pain of my loss either. Losing a pet is still like being gutted.

I’m so thankful not only that I get to love the furbabies I take care of but get to love their humans as well. People are always so very thankful to know that while they are away, their furkids are being loved & cared for so well. Even with the pain of loss, it is very worth it.

I knew Boo wasn’t doing very well. I always give the furbabies kisses goodbye but on my last day with Boo, I gave him one last extra kiss goodbye. I did not truly believe it would be the last day I saw him. I’m so thankful for that last kiss.

My heart goes out to Boo’s family.❤

My love goes out to all grieving the loss of a pet.❤ They are our family, our furever loves and not everyone understands our love for them and the profound pain of our loss when they must leave us.🐾❤

Much love,

Kim

Joy & Pain ❤❤💔❤

Oct22

This isn’t my good news but someone else’s! I want to share because I’m so happy & thankful even though it isn’t to do with me or anyone close to me. A girl I went to school with when we were kids, her dad is friend’s with my dad and her mom was very sick recently. She had cancer and things were not looking good. She received her last treatment last month or the one before and was just tested again and the disease is completely gone!! So amazing! I’m flooded with relief and overwhelmed in gratitude. She was so sick and in pain and is now completely better!

Also, her daughter just had a baby so now they have a new addition to celebrate with. I don’t know them well but we are friends on social media and once in a while I see her posts.

My sweet eleven year old pitbull girl died a couple weeks ago, unexpectedly and it’s devastating & shattering and the house feels so dead and empty even though I have other pets. She was so big and had a big personality. We adopted her over nine years ago. The lack of her presence seems unbearable. I never experienced worse pain. I would have taken her place if I could so that she can go on living her happy life. But she was a good age for a dog, especially a large one, to live to. I knew the day would eventually come, just not this soon. ❤💔❤

(My beautiful baby, Isis Summerjo ❤)

It’s good to read happy news in the midst of my grief. 💞

The world is full of joy & pain, negativity & positivity, laughter & tears, light & darkness, good & bad, hatred & love….and we can choose which to focus on the most. I choose the light, the happy, the positive, the love!

My love goes out to everyone in your happy situation or devastating situation. In your goodness, I celebrate with you, even if just in spirit, and in your sadness, I embrace you. ❤💗

Much love & light,

Xoxo

Kim

Valerie❤

Aug16

(Valerie 💛)

So cool, she was like
Jazz on a summer’s day
Music, high and sweet
Then she just blew away
Now she can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie

Valerie – Steve Winwood

Recently, one of my social media friends, Valerie, died by suicide. Isn’t this so absolutely terrible?!?! She was born in August 1965 & died in August 2018. I did not know her in person or talk to her much on social media or know her well but can see she was a sweet person with a pure heart. The news about her death is like being stabbed in the gut, especially because it seems so senseless like it did not have to happen. Valerie was like me, very open & accepting and added/accepted everyone as social media friends. Her life philosophy, loving & including everyone, resonates with me deeply. I can even call her one of my soul sisters as our energy/vibration has been on the same wavelength.

Valerie loved coffee, music, people, and animals.

I always wished I had her name because I love the song by Steve Winwood! Recently, before she died, I was in Rite Aid and got a bottle of soda and chose the one with her name and thought of her.

She posted a lot of sweet, beautiful, and inspiring messages and also a bunch of (very liberal) political rants. I do not agree with all that she shared or the way she shared some of it (sometimes sarcastic) but a lot of her posts resonate with me. The reason I am sharing here that I did not always agree with her is as a reminder that we can disagree with someone but still love that person and still be friends. This was also her philosophy of life so I want to share it to honor her.

(She shared this)

Love songs fill the night
But they don’t tell it all
Not how lovers cry out
Just like they’re dying
Her cries hang there, in time,
Somewhere, someday,
Some good wind
May blow her back to me
Some night I may hear
Her like she used to be
No it can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie

Here are just a few posts on Valerie’s facebook account, most of it shared by her and a couple she is tagged in by others and liked:

(This makes me laugh hysterically 😂🤣)

(That’s Valerie’s writing under the pic)

(I wish Valerie would have remembered this when she made that ultimate choice out of fear & pain 💔)

(I dont care if people dont repost this. I dont repost these things that demand us to to repost or try to make us seem cold and non-caring. Im only posting this here to show Valerie’s kind heart.)

This is a small thing I am doing to keep Valerie’s lovelight going after her death.

She was a strong person but also tender and sensitive in a way. She wanted to be loved, noticed, called beautiful…

She was open about her depression and struggle and some of these posts show what it was like for her. She was clearly a strong person who kept winning these battles in her war of depression but one moment she chose to give into that despair and now her war is over but so is everything else about her. All of her interests, memories, activities each day, her voice, her smile, any new acts of kindness she would have performed, any chance of healing, all of her ways and everything that made her her…..all gone forever.

I know it felt like it then but it wasn’t worth it to end it all just to end that horrible pain. The world needs MORE like Valerie and now she just made it so there’s one less.

So I’m doing my part to continue her light & lavish her love onto others.

Sweet Valerie.

We can see by all these messages she believed in that she was very wise but she still made the choice to take her own life. This is because all it takes is a split second to forget all that wisdom and beauty and give into the darkness. But deep within, she still held that wisdom. We all do. Please let’s remember to hold onto what we know even when it feels impossible to hold on. I have no question of “why” like many people do. I know why. I completely understand why a person would take her own life. It makes complete sense to me but it’s not a good thing to do. She killed everything she was all just to end her pain.

Like I said, Valerie and me weren’t close. I hardly knew her. I hope all the love/healing thoughts will be for her close family & friends first. My love goes out to them and also to everyone else affected by this tragic loss, including her social media friends. What heartbreak.

She struggled hard but all she wanted was others to be happy and to take away their pain. 💔❤

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to share her love here. I hope it will inspire others like she wanted. Valerie was a beautiful soul inside & out.

If I could have taken away her pain, even if I had to bear it myself, I would have.❤💗

To anyone struggling like Valerie was or anyone grieving, I love you!! Please keep going. ❤ ~Hugs~

Much love,

Xoxo Kim

My dog, Boobie❤

Jul8

My dog, Boobie, five years ago today!! Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of her death. She was an old girl. While I am sad & grieving, I know the most important thing is that she lived. She had a loving furever home with my family for nearly 14 years. She even has two puppies who my family kept! A boy & a girl who are almost four years old(this month!). Every year on mother’s day, Boobie’s birthday, and the anniversary that she came to live with us, we buy her puppies a special treat to honor her. We used to buy her special gifts and now it’s a gift to be able to celebrate her by giving her pups something extra! How sweet! We also have Boobie’s baby daddy. Lol He’s a little pomeranian and so cute! What a sweet little family.

“You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.”❤

~Hugs~

Much love & light, always,

Xoxo Kim

Always look on the bright side of life😁🌞💛

Jun21

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle and this’ll help things turn out for the best
And…
Always look on the bright side of life

Bright Side of Life (song)

Sometimes, I share posts on facebook with heartwarming stories about animals who were abused/severely injured and left to die but were suddenly rescued by Earth angels and saved then forstered & adopted! How beautiful! Whenever I share a post like this, theres almost always someone who comments or reacts with the crying face emoji.

This doesnt resonate with me because im prone to seeing the bright side of things, not always but usually. I have a natural inclination to see the good and I have strengthened that natural inclination with personal development techniques like meditation and intentional gratitude practice. I definitely still have room to evolve!

Instead of crying about the dogs being abused & injured, abandoned, neglected…why not rejoice in the fact that they are now healed and have loving furever homes? Of course it’s sad, devastating, that those poor babies had to suffer like that. But we have a choice to focus on that or focus on the happy ending.

This goes for everything in this life. We can dwell on the pain, negativity, unpleasant or give thanks for the good, the beauty, the pleasant.

This is a great reminder to me even though I’m generally positive. Recently, I let myself sink into a deep, dark, depression because of something I wish was different. Depression is an illness but we do have some degree of control over certain aspects. Through the years, I have learned how to often prevent a fullblown episode of depression before it hits, when I can feel it about to come on.

If I would have made the choice to not dwell on this thing I wish was different and instead give thanks for everything that is good and all the life lessons learned through the “bad,” there’s a good chance, I would have prevented the hell I was living in for over a month. After it already pulled me in, there was no getting out of it until it finally ended, gradually, on its own. I already receive professional help but still struggle with it on and off.

So it’s especially important for me to remember to look on the bright side of life!

And, I want to share this screen capture of a photo of this beautiful girl! She was on an episode of The Ellen Show. I remember her expressing compassion for people with any sort of struggle such as job less. She said we’re all in this together. This is a woman who lost her toddler son in a tragic accident. She LOST HER SON! He died. Like, he’s never coming back. He was laughing and playing one second and a second later, he was gone forever. And she can still smile like this. And express compassion for others who have experienced nothing near as horrific as what she has experienced & still experiences after such a significant loss. Awe-inspiring.

A sweet reminder to us all!

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim❤

My Endless Love❤

Feb15

“…and your eyes
Your eyes, your eyes
They tell me how much you care
Ooh yes, you will always be
My endless love.”❤

Last year I got to spend Valentine’s Day with this lil baby. His name is Quincy. He got sick and died a few months ago but he’ll always be my endless love. I did not get to see him frequently and I cherished (and still cherish) every moment we shared together. He lived in a nursing home with his daddy and I used to walk him sometimes. He was so sweet & adorable and a lil porker. Sometimes he was mischievous and would run out into the hallway when he wasn’t supposed to. He knew how to get back to his room after we got back inside the building and stepped off the elevator. He knew his way around better than I did. He was never snappy and always sweet. He let me pick him up. I would take him to the park and he had so many friends there. Everyone, everywhere loved him. He got endless compliments.

Last year, on Valentine’s Day, they were having a big Valentine’s Day party for the nursing home residents. All the old people were dressed up and dancing to this song.

Endless Love – Lionel Richie/Diana Ross

How cute!

I miss & love Quincy and am so thankful our lives crossed. His death still knocks the wind out of me. It was so unexpected. He just got sick overnight. My heart completely broke when my boss told us.

But my love is more powerful than the pain of the loss. Quincy was around eleven years old I think. And he lived a very happy life and was surrounded by so much love.

In loving memory of sweet Quincy baby…💘❤

Xoxo Kim

Love is never lost❤

Feb11

“All this time, I had hoped and prayed for a miracle. Maybe I’d missed it. Maybe the real miracle was all around me. Perhaps the greatest miracle of all was that I could let her go and never lose her. Why? I don’t know. I don’t think God explains why. Not because he isn’t listening or because he doesn’t care. But perhaps because the reasons don’t make sense. Not now, anyway. When Lazarus died, Christ didn’t tell his sisters everything would be all right. It wasn’t. Lazarus was dead and they were in pain. Christ knew Lazarus would live but he didn’t belittle his friends’ grief. He didn’t try to explain it away. He didn’t try to dry their tears. He wept with them. He loved them. It’s in that love that I trust now.” ❤

Warning – Spoiler alert about a movie I watched, called Charley! This is a quote in the movie that I shared above. It’s about a Morman man who falls in love with a girl who is very unlike the kind of girl he always thought of as his dream girl. He always thought he wanted a simple, predictable woman. A woman who is reserved and grew up religious, one who is “safe” and cautious like himself.

Then he meets Charley and she’s anything but predictable. She’s loud and funny and spontaneous. She’s outgoing and skeptical. He never knows what shes going to say or do next.

Here is the spoiler.

I was in the mood for a lighthearted, funny romantic comedy, which is what this movie is at first. Then it turns dark out of nowhere. It was completely unexpected. In the description it says nothing about a tragedy which occurs towards the end. I won’t completely give it away but the man suffers a great loss. At first he will not accept it. He outright refuses. He denies. He screams, cries, sobs, yells in anger, throws things. He has a breakdown and cannot understand why his god would allow him to experience such a tragedy. He prays & prays for what he thinks is the biggest miracle.

And it never happens. His prayer is not answered how he desperately hoped it would be. At first, he cannot bear his devastating loss. Then he realizes that when we love someone, even when that someone dies, we don’t lose that love. Love is forever.

I love the message about non-attachment. Even though I’m not a Mormon or woman of any kind of religious faith where they believe in a god, I find that this message resonates with me on a deep level.

Perhaps the greatest miracle of all was that I could let her go and never lose her.

We can let go of those we love when we have to and still not lose that love we share with them. We will love & lose as long as we live, humans & nonhumans, friends, family, pets…and it will be extremely painful but we will go on and carry that love with us, always.

Also, I love the message about Jesus letting his friends grieve, weep, and cope with their terrible loss, without trying to make everything ok, without invalidating their pain, without any kind of platitudes. He just lets them be and shares their pain. I understand someone can argue that Jesus could have prevented this death or just healed their grief with his special powers….but that isn’t my point here.

Im not looking at this with a religious point of view as I am not a believer in this sort of thing. I’m just looking at it as a story with an inspiring aspect to it. This is a great way to be to others. To let them live their experiences without trying to change them or make things ok that can never be ok. No matter how positive we are and how happy we will be later, some things just aren’t ok to some people at this moment no matter what someone says or does. Suffering a devastating loss of someone close to us, human or nonhuman, may just never seem ok. And it may be better in some cases to let someone grieve, weep, suffer…how that person has to before moving forward into healing.

In this story, Jesus cried along with them. Sometimes maybe all someone needs is for us to sit close and share that pain.

What an inspiring movie. It is a religious movie but I also see a deeper message that even a “non-believer,” like myself, can be inspired by if we allow our mind to be open. The deeper message can resonate with us whether we are religious or not. It’s about how life can still be beautiful even after loss or other unpleasant experiences and how Love never truly is lost.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Much love & light & hugs!❤

Xoxo Kim