I love all of the seasons and to me the transition of the seasons is so magical. I was walking to work one day recently and looked up and noticed all of the colorful flowers blooming to life on the trees and all around.

And the weather was sparkling and warm and the splendid rays of the beautiful sun were caressing the Earth all around me. I felt as if I have just come in contact once again with a long lost friend who I haven’t seen in forever. It was beautifully overwhelming.

My dog, Koko, died exactly one week ago and since then I haven’t been the same. I have been sluggish and kind of in a fog with no zest or life spark in me. On occasion, I was still able to smile & laugh at things and find joy but it wasn’t the same as it was before my loss.

Deep inside me I couldn’t shake that nagging deep pain. I began to not only mourn Koko but to mourn for part of myself. I haven’t felt completely like myself and felt that I may never get myself completely back again.

That’s also how I feel when my pain disorder flares up severely and when I become severely depressed. But a while after my pain disorder calms and my depression heals, things go back to the same.

I know things will never be the same now because Koko will never be back.

But I also know that after time goes by the edge of the pain will diminish some and grief will heal, although it will never go away. It will become easier to live with and I will have the happiness of knowing my dog when I did.

I have hundreds & hundreds of pictures of her in my phone but I don’t like to look at them just yet. The pain of seeing her so clearly in pictures but not having her here is very deep. It’s heartbreaking.

Today, one week later, I felt my usual life spark again, very brief & fleeting but it appeared. That gives me so much hope that soon I will get back to my sparkling self.

I wasn’t just happy before Koko died; I had this zest & sparkling life all throughout me, pulsating through my veins and blood.

I know I’ll be that way in general again and it won’t be too long before I experience that again but I sure miss it right now.

Today is my furbaby Isis’ birthday! She is six years old and I love her. She was my baby for four years and one of the greatest things in this world. She is so happy and full of life, so energized and playful.

She is a very spoiled girl today! But that is nothing new! I spoil her everyday!

But today she got lots of bones and a toy and a vanilla frosted cake. She was wagging her tail and jumping all over the place!

Also, a few days ago I accidentally came across a sign in a check cashing place, made by a family who had a litter of pomeranian pups that they had to find homes for. Their pom baby had pups and they decided to sell them, not at a pet store but just to anyone interested. Their dog had the pups without them wanting her too. So they had to find homes.

Koko was half pom and I don’t usually see ads for those kind. The ones the family were selling are full breaded poms.

My family wasn’t planning on getting a new dog as we already had three as well as other pets.

And if I were going to look for a new pet I would prefer to adopt one at a high kill shelter to save lives and not support the horror of puppy mills where they are severely neglected, abused, and mistreated.

But when I stumbled across this sign I copied down the info. The family lives very close to us and I knew we would give the puppy a very loving home that s/he deserves if we got one.

But I also knew that my dad would probably disregard the idea. He prefers to only have one or two pets.

I don’t mind more as long as it’s not an insane amount because that’s not good for anyone! Lol

But very surprisingly my dad said if I call for information we can think about it.

So I called the lady and she was very friendly.

And all the puppies found homes except for one little boy who still needed one!

So my mom, dad, and me went to see him and I fell in love instantly!

He is fourteen weeks old extremely friendly and outgoing. He is this big fluffy ball of fur who craves attention and is not timid or scared at all.

My dad said we could have him!

We brought him home and he gets along well with all the other animals.

I love him already, we call him Emmy. But no animal can ever replace another even if the new animal is loved as much just like no person can ever replace another.

My heart still aches for Koko and always will. I miss her so terribly it hurts.

I have also felt very lonely in my grief but I know others feel the same.

Last night I went to a movie with my mom, dad, and sister. We saw “Evil Dead”. It is so hilarious but I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be or not. There are demons calling people “bitch” and stuff and saying “Suck my cock!”. I was lmao!

But it’s also ridiculously GRUSOME! Blood everywhere, body parts ripped off, gore and all.

And I have mentioned in a previous post how that affects me. I have a very strong stomach and do not get queasy over blood and guts on tv or in person but I feel almost as if it’s happening to me when I see it. Yuck! Lol.

But it sure is funny, this movie!  

I’ll be getting ready for work soon.

I love working at the store but recently my coworker and me got yelled at badly! My boss said someone told her we were giving away free stuff to people. That accusation is completely UNTRUE but she believes it and said we will be fired if she hears that again. Which really sucks because someone is lying for some reason and can just lie again!

This isn’t the first day someone lied. We have gotten told about this before.

Since we have no cameras people get away with too much like lying and stuff!

Oh well though, I’m still staying positive! 😀 

 

Another thing I am very happy about is: I was filling out a job application recently for a peer specialist position/training class and on the app where it asks for basic info such as race, name, address, and gender, for gender it has options to check off: Female, Male, and Gender Variant/trans.

I am so pleased that they include other options than just the usual male/female. While most people can identify as male or female, some do not. Some prefer to be referred to as transsexual/transgender and imagine the frustration and exclusion they must feel being forced to check off something that doesn’t completely describe them! All places should be more open to variation/diversity of all kinds.

I know some trans. People want to be referred to as male and some as female but some like to also be known as trans. Some people identify with aspects of both genders while others cannot identify with either and that is all ok.

 

So yeah that makes me happy!

😀

 

I looked down and saw my “Love Life/Be Brave” bracelet earlier and love the feeling I got. This life truly is beautiful even through the pain, sorrow, and misfortunes.

 

I hope you all find/have strength, happiness, positivity, and much hope. ❤ 😀

 

Xoxo Kim ❤

 

P.S. That’s my birthday girl in that pic with me! ❤