Closing Time😖😀❤😍

Nov7

“Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from.
Closing time
This room won’t be open ’til your brothers or your sisters come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend.” ~ Semisonic ❤

I wrote this October 30th and tried to publish it then but was having some difficulties (technical\practical difficulties not emotional ones even though it is quite sad! )

I’m a sad, sad girl today! Saddest girl in the whole world! Ok, not really. lol I’m not usually this dramatic! But I’m happy and sad. Today is my last day as a server\cashier at the job i worked at for over ten years! I knew I would be so sad when i heard we may be going out of business but I’m more sad than i could have imagined I would be. Heartbreaking!! ❤💔 ❤ I’m actually in a state of grief almost like when someone dies but nowhere near that bad. I’m shocked and feel disbelief and a bit of numbness. I knew for over a year that my boss was trying to sell the place but it’s still kind of a shock to have a significant change like this. I can’t imagine not being here anymore after so long. And I worked so much in Spring & Summer,i felt like i lived here and practically ran the place myself when everyone was on vacation. I worked 10\11 hour shifts with no break days in a row. So many days I opened and closed the place myself. When I first began working here two of us worked each shift. That’s how it was for years. But one day one of the girls couldn’t come in so I worked myself even though it was super busy and my boss decided to have only one of us on each shift, after she saw I handled it well on my own, so she wouldn’t have to pay two of us. So mostly each shift only one worked unless we had to train a new employee. I love working with others but also love my own company. I came to love my shifts alone, especially on slow, cold, rainy or snowy days. When I wasn’t working I would read my books and drink hot chocolate or tea or coffee. I still saw my coworkers a lot.

I worked so much here, more than any of the others because they all have other jobs too and I don’t. Also, im the only one who would work 11 hours a day. I feel a great sense of loss but also like I’m not losing anything because the job and experience never had to be given to me in the first place. So i feel more that I gained than lost. It doesnt completely take away the sadness and grief but definitely helps it. I’m naturally more prone to seeing the positive and if i dont, i remind myself to focus on that.

I wasnt told until yesterday that I would lose my job! I heard people talking about it but my boss did not let me know and never said a word til yesterday that in two days I would be jobless! People are saying negative things about her for that but I can only see that for over ten years, she gave me a job and I am forever thankful.

Another thing that lessens the pain of this loss is, I loved every second of working here and never once took it for granted. People complained about the low pay but it’s better than no pay! And i loved the busy as well as slow days. Some rare occasions I definitely complained about something about work but even in the midst of that I felt gratitude for it all and felt more positive emotions for my job than unpleasant. I took so many pictures in here and shared stories and life lessons learned here, through the years. I have countless memories to always cherish. Even the things i disliked about my job I usually also loved more than disliked. For example, I often felt that I would prefer more regular hours like morning until late afternoon but i also loved the night shifts and not always having to wake up really early for work. Also, even sometimes when I felt overworked and exhausted, I also felt satisfied and productive working so much.

So my point is; there’s always pleasant and unpleasant and we can choose to focus more on what is good.

I also have come to learn that while it’s so great to have some big career helping people, it’s not the only way to help others. Even at a simple store job, (or no job) there are so many ways to touch lives for the better. I saw how grateful and touched people felt when I asked them if they want napkins or boxes to carry stuff or anything else to make things easier for them. Something as simple as that can show someone that we care to make something even just a little bit better or easier for the person. It helps in a practical way but also in a deeper way. People can feel the love we express even in the seemingly smallest ways. That’s the greatest lesson i learned. ❤

Even when I was depressed, grieving, or suffering a flareup of my chronic headache disorder, I made it a point to be friendly to customers even if I wasnt happy myself or in too much pain to think straight. And work almost always cheered me up! 😀

It was extremely rare for me to not feel like going into work and even on those occasions as soon as I got here, I felt happy to be here. So many days I was having so much fun I did not even realize it was time to leave. Some of my best days are here.

I havent been jobless since I was a nineteen year old college girl. It’s embarrassing. I dont judge people who choose not to or cannot work but i love to work and it feels strange and awkward not having a job. Having significantly less money is not going to be good but my worst issue is missing the place, the people, the experience. But all good things (and not good) must end! And I’m thankful for the experience in the first place.

I never planned to leave here unless I had to. I planned and still plan on having a more “real” job but I always wanted to still work here like maybe on the weekends or one day a week if my boss allowed it. Like I have said being a food server is a pleasant job that brings joy in ways other jobs dont. Even if they bring as much joy, it’s not the same.

But I also feel a sense of liberation. Whenever I applied for other jobs I would keep trying to work out how i can work here as well. I tried often to see how my schedules would be compatible. Also so many nights I wanted to do something, like go out but I couldn’t because I had to work at night. I missed quite a few things because of unusual hours. I still loved the hours but it also came with unfortunate things.

I loved when it was busy but I will love nights off that aren’t so demanding. And now I am completely free to look for another job. I have no restraints. For now, I’ll look for another store job since I have so much experience (over ten years!) then try to move onto a more “real” or “professional” (im not n never will be a professional but you get the picture, right?! 😀 ) job like maybe a technician in a hospital or health center or a position at a marketing company. I love marketing but do not want to start out with sales, knocking at people’s doors, which many marketing employers require! Also, I want to work with children with extra needs one day.

And, now I can look more for a volunteer job as well! No job to hold me back! It’s hard finding a volunteer job at some places! They require all stuff like a paid job!

Here are some of my last pictures here:

My friend who used to live next door and me used to call this stuff the Purple shit. It’s a pretty color though! It has a terrible afterscent. I couldn’t stand using it. If we were out of other cleaning stuff I had to use it. Yuck! I dreaded it! But now I’m going to miss it! Oh, purple shit, I’ll miss you! ❤

The cash register! I get angry at it sometimes for not functioning properly but I really will miss it! And seeing all the various kinds of money coming in n funny messages written on some of the bills. “My sweaty nuts touched this!” for example, is a message I saw years ago! lol

I’m going to miss mopping here and cleaning the utensils. I’ll miss every crack in the floor and mark on the walls. I will miss the beauty of the shadows and reflections on the walls and floor and glass freezer tops at sundown. But i have lots of pictures! I will always miss & cherish the occasions when a beetle or ant or other kreepy krawlers would land on one of the counters or freezers or even on me! I have many pictures of those too! I’ll miss making myself chocolate milkshakes! We were allowed to eat\drink anything we wanted for free as long as it was our shift! 😍❤😀 And so much more I’ll miss and cherish forever.

Usually when we think of missing something, we seem to think of people, food, “big” things but there’s so many little things we may overlook and miss that we may never realized we would cherish and miss.

Years ago I broke one of these and I told my dad and he brought me one out of his work to take to mine. He works for a company that sells\fixes parts to things like machines and cars and stuff.

The counterfeit detector pens. Sometimes we got to slacking with checking the money and brought in fake ones by accident. I have gotten angry phone calls unexpectedly about fake cash in the drawer! oopps! 😱

Inventory! I loved writing lists and seeing my manager’s list of all the stuff we needed!

I’ll even miss the notes I would sometimes find hanging up scolding us for something (not cleaning good, forgetting to stock something, leaving something out on the counter that should not have been left out…)

And I will miss the people(and doggies!)! My coworkers, the customers, my boss, manager, and their family, having conversations with people about various things, helping people….I’ll miss it all but I’m very thankful for the work friendships I have found through the years. ❤😍😀

I think this thing is at least twenty years old! See how the phone number doesn’t even have an area code in front. 😱 And that was still our phone number even after all these years. If you call it now, I won’t be there. 😦 Also, the place is called Scoops not just because it’s an ice cream store, even though that is a good name for an ice cream service, but because the original owner’s last name is Scoops. lol

We still have most of the same stuff now. These prices are so low! Only $3.50 for a banana split! Now they’re $6.00! And just $1.50 for a small gelati?! Now they’re $4.50! 😀

And here is the last one of me at work:

I shared this on Facebook with my experience n someone commented and wrote, simply, “sexy boobs.” lol I’m quite flattered and must say, I agree. But I just lost my job after ten years and that’s what someone says. It gave me a good giggle! 😍😀

I even got a couple hugs today! My friend, Chrissy at the bar my boss owns said she’ll miss me and hugged me goodbye! And my newer coworker came and hugged me goodbye and said she really liked working with me. aww ❤😍😀 I love how sad things often show us how much love is in the world. ❤

It’s raining tonight and thundering. It seems fitting for my last day ever. I always loved rainy nights at work. ❤

I tried to take pictures of every square inch of the place. Most of them arent pretty but they arent meant to be. Theyre just for me to always have. I can never forget this place and have so many habits ingrained into me that i picked up here. One, for example, is when someone is talking to me, even not at work, I often look to the right while talking because when a customer asks for a certain kind of ice cream before saying ok, I look to the freezer on my right to be sure we have it first even though there are other freezers, that one is closest to see and i carried the habit over into conversations outside work. And I reach for a refrigerator that isnt there. It hasnt been for years but once in a while I reach to open it to get milk. The habit is so ingrained. And once in a while I still reach for the dipwell that hasnt been in place for about nine or ten years. I dont need pictures to help me remember! But i love to have them!

This reminds me how very powerful habits we develop are and I’m inspired to maintain\develop positive ones.

It’s going to take some getting used to not being here now. The place is a part of me and always will be. There are always good things about each stage, age, phase of life we’re currently experiencing. Closing time reminds me to always appreciate where I am and what I have; I usually do anyway but reminders are great! And Im inspired to share with others and suggest we all cherish right now even if it seems like it’s not so great. Single or taken, jobless, dead-end job, stressful job, great job, stay at home mom or dad, new child or no child, in love or not, college student or graduate, wedding planning, just married, living at home with the family we grew up with, on our own… or whatever stage we are in now, let’s embrace it, cherish it, look for the goodness in it. Each season or stage of life has its struggles, challenges, blessings, beauty, heartache, positive aspects, difficulties, love, joy….and there’s a chance when it ends we’re going to miss it even if we never thought we could. There are less regrets and less sadness, more joy and beauty when we lose something or someone if we did not take it for granted while we had it. It’s easier to let go or move forward when we knew what we had while we had it. Let’s be mindful of the love & beauty here & now. There is nothing more painful than losing something or someone that we love but never stopped to appreciate while we had the chance. I’m so thankful I knew what a blessing my job was (and always will be) to me. I always knew. So saying goodbye is still sad but so much easier than it could have been.

The girls gave me a shot of strawberry tequilia to see me off. At first I refused because I don’t drink alcohol and am not attracted to it in any way but my boss owns the bar across the street and she and the others, her family, my coworkers who work at the bar\kitchen really wanted me to take a shot so I did after some pleading and pushing! They all drank one with me and toasted to me and the business. ❤

The flavor is good! It’s kind of like a strawberry milkshake but alcohol flavored. But I did not like the sedated feeling or “buzz” feeling it brought me. It was nothing terrible or that I couldn’t handle but it also wasn’t the most pleasing. However, I did like how when I swallowed it, the very instant it went down my throat, I felt it throughout my whole body; it traveled up to my head n down to my toes. It was very powerful. I was reminded of being alive and mindful of my existence and body. I’m thankful for the experience. ❤

I will be seeing them at the Christmas party next month! 😀😍❤

I got so many well wishes today! Just about every person i encountered today I told my sad news to and they were all so encouraging about it and told me better things are coming to me! I know it’s true! This is the end that will lead to a new beginning! ❤😍😀 And here are a few songs that resonate with me:

“Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” (this song has always resonated with me in a deep way since I first heard it when I was very young. ❤ It gives me chills in a good way and tugs on my insides.)

Closing Time – semisonic – mobile

Closing Time – desktop

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

You’re Gonna Miss This – Trace Adkins – mobile

You’re Gonna Miss This – desktop

“I’ve been walkin’ these streets so long
Singin’ the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
Where hustle’s the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There’s been a load of compromisin’
On the road to my horizon
But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me” ❤

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell – mobile

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy – desktop

I’m wishing you much love, light, and happness, always! ❤ ~hugs~

xoxo Kim

For my bloggy friend, Eliza❤

Nov5

This post is dedicated to my friend, Eliza, at: https://elizawaters.com Please go check out her beautiful blog!

On Halloween, my mom, sister, and me visited this orchard place called “Greensgrow Farm” close to where I live. We visited once before in the Winter a few years ago. It was beautiful then and now! ❤😀😍

As soon as I stepped inside I thought of you, Eliza! And I saw this sign above and I know sometimes you post about how unfortunately some of your flowers and things have to go away until the next season that they bloom again. But your outer & inner beauty always stay through every season all year long! ❤

“Consider a tree for a moment. As beautiful as trees are to look at, we don’t see what goes on underground – as they grow roots. Trees must develop deep roots in order to grow strong and produce their beauty. But we don’t see the roots. We just see and enjoy the beauty. In much the same way, what goes on inside of us is like the roots of a tree.”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”

“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.”

Let’s plant seeds of love this Fall & all year long! Smiles, hugs, genuine compliments, planting flowers and vegetables, feeding stray and wild animals, saving insects, random acts of kindness, helping those in need, encouraging others…are all ways to plant seeds of love. And there are so many more ways! ❤😀😍

“May I become a protector for the protectorless,
A guide for those who travel on the road,
And, for those who wish to cross the water,
May I become a boat, a ship, a bridge.
May I become an island for those seeking dry land,
A lamp for those who need light,
A place of rest for those who desire one,
And a servant for those needing service.” ~ Master Shantideva

“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly our whole life would change.”

“Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same.”

“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.”

“Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow.”

“She moves with love among the unloving; With peace and detachment among the hungry and the querulous.” ❤

“Flowers are the music of the ground. From earth’s lips spoken without sound”

“Cherish sunsets, wild creatures and wild places. Have a love affair with the wonder and beauty of the earth.”

“Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”

It looks like the cute chickens who were running around pecked the pumpkins up! 😍❤😀 lol

“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.”

“There is no definition of beauty, but when you can see someone’s spirit coming through, something unexplainable, that’s beautiful to me.”

“For sentient beings, poor and destitute, May I become a treasure ever plentiful, And lie before them closely in their reach, A varied source of all that they might need.” ~ Shantideva ❤

We saw this adorable pig named Milkshake and we wanted to take him home but he isn’t up for adoption! He was wagging his tail really fast when we talked to him and wouldn’t stop eating in the mud! And he was snorkeling! lol So adorable! He followed us as we walked while eating non stop. He’s on a strict diet and not allowed to have any treats! poor thing! lol But it’s for his own good. ❤😍😀

The lady who works at the place said he’s not very friendly and has a big personality! How cute!! 😍❤😀

The small succulent plant is mine! ❤

I’m supposed to water it just a bit every ten days. 😀

I hope you like the pictures & the quotes! 😀

And please remember to go check out Eliza’s blog today!

https://elizawaters.com

It’s full of love and beauty. Thank you, Eliza, for sharing your beauty with the world! 😍

Much love & light, always,

xoxo Kim ❤

Beautiful eyes <3

Nov1

“The most beautiful eyes are ones that see the world with love & compassion.” ❤ 😀

I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤ 😀 ~Hugs~
I’m wishing you much love & light always!

xoxo Kim ❤

Awkward & funny Tuesday😀

Oct26

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(someone’s “welcome” mat at a house close to mine. lol There’s a grumpy looking adorable cat who sits in the door looking out; that would be a great picture with him\her in it! 😀 )

“If you fall in the fall, you’ll see, September can be heavenly.
If you fall, say you’ll fall for me,
When autumn leaves are fallin’ from the trees.” 🍁🍂

Today is a great day! I’m at work now and it’s dark and kind of cold! 😍 My favorite! 😀❤

Earlier today was awkward! First someone hit me really hard in the back with something when I was in Wawa with my sister. lol It was an accident of course but it hurt! He hit me with the large object then said “whoa” and kept walking. I wasn’t angry or annoyed; just amused. And in pain. Then when we walked outside a homeless person wanted money and I spilled my Pumpkin coffee all over my shirt before work and he tried to help me but it was a lost cause. 🎃 Then as we were walking away, I saw an adorable little bird and was trying to show my sister when suddenly my ankle gave out on me and i fell to the ground spilling my coffee some more, all over the other side of my shirt while two people saw! I’m beyond being embarrassed over falling in public. It’s just what I do.

Not only am I just a klutz, when I was little i was spoiled and when things werent going my way I would run around on my ankles pissin’ n moanin’ and now they just collapse! lol 😂😭

My sister said when I fall I’m really dramatic about it and appear more like someone getting shot than someone simply tripping.

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(those two arent mine)

I couldnt stop laughing all the way home.

And I fell forward, not back. 😀

Then when my sister n me were coming in the door i wasnt paying attention and let the door slam onto her and her hot chocolate spilled all over her. She said when we’re out I dont know how to act like a human. lol Oh, well.

When we told my mom what happened she burst out laughing hysterically. And I have a sore ankle now. 😱

And here are a few pics of mine!

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Also, my sister set me up an instagram account! As much as I love photography and taking and editing pictures and looking at everyone else’s I never had an instagram account! When i had a Blackberry phone ages ago I wanted an instagram account but it wasnt compatible with Blackberry. Then when i got a new phone i no longer felt the desire to have one. Then recently it crossed my mind that it may be a good idea since I have so many pictures! I usually just put them all on photobucket which doesnt seem as popular or as “social” as instagram. Anyway, recently my sister set up an account for herself so i gave her my phone and asked her to set one up for me as well and i told her all the info for it. Now i just have to put lots of pics on n it will be good to go! 😀 When I get it all set up n ready, I’ll share it here! 😀😍

And here’s a sweet song for you!

“I’ll be your girl for all seasons, all the year through.
Your girl for all seasons,
‘Cause I love, yes I love to be everything to you, just you.” 🍂🍁❄⛄🌞🌾🌷🌹🌸🌼🌻🎃🎄🎁👻💀🎅

Girl for All Seasons – mobile

Girl for All Seasons – desktop

I’m wishing you much love & happiness & joy, always and hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. ❤

😀

Much love always,

xoxo Kim

Bored or Blessed?

Oct21

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I came across this today and it doesn’t resonate with me at all. I’m always promoting the act of cherishing the simple, the mundane, the “ordinary” in every day whether we have a very busy life full of work, travel, kids, appointments, plans…..or a simple, laid back life with very little going on, no big job, no big goals, no big celebrations…. Some people actually prefer the simple, seemingly boring details of life over “big” things like demanding jobs, traveling, holidays, vacations….it doesnt mean it’s a boring life. Just because we acknowledge small or ordinary things as blessings doesnt mean we must have nothing else going for us that we have to grasp onto anything we can in desperation(anyway, thats a good thing!). One way to live isn’t better than another way. One way may just be better for someone else. Whatever floats your boat!

Also, what if the people mentioned above really do have incredibly boring lives or “horrible” lives full of misfortune? At least they have the good sense to still appreciate any good thing there still is no matter how “small!” The ability to feel blessed and see extraordinary in the ordinary, that itself is a blessing! ❤😀 If we see all the “stupid shit” as amazing, well then good for us!

Here are some sweet & simple blessings:

Watching a butterfly fluttering about 🐜🐝

a perfect cup of tea, coffee, smoothie, shake….some just taste way better than usual some occasions ☕🍵

a thrilling ghost story👻📖📚

our beautiful senses and abilities and bodily functions, seeing, hearing, walking, feeling, thinking, living, breathing, standing, tasting, sense of smell, bloodflow, bone marrow, pulmonary, circulation, digestion, urinary…..🎉🎆😍❤

doggy scents! so cute!! ❤😍😀😂😭

crunchy Fall leaves on the ground 🍁🍂

puppy kisses ❤💙💚💛💜💓💕💖💗💘💝💞💟

smiling at a stranger 😀

hearing church bells ring 🔔

a new book! ❤ 📚📙📘📗📔📒📑📓📕📖

makeup 💄

five inch heels 👠

cinnamon pastries with cream cheese frosting! mmmm 😍❤

peanut butter! ❤

Things going as planned 😀

Things not going as planned 😀

candles with sweet fragrances ❤

an especially productive workout 💪

a night sky full of twinkling stars 🌙🌝🌛🌜🌑🌒🌓🌔🌓🌕🌖🌗🌘🎑🌃🌉🌌

snow crunching beneath our shoes ⛄❄

Philadelphia! ❤🌉🌃

a heavy rainstorm, the scents it brings forth 🌈🌂☔💧⚡

the fragrance of pine in the air 🌲

Holiday season! 🎄🎀🎁🎃🎂🎈🎅👹💀👽👾

feeling our pulse or heartbeat ❤📈📉〽💹

the floral fragrance of Spring 🌷

the changing of the seasons 🌱🌲🌳🌴🌷🌸🌹🍁🍂🍀🌼🌻🌺🌾🌿⛅☀⛄❄💧☔⛅🌂🌈☁☀

saving an insect 🐝🐞🐌🐛🐜

witnessing or engaging in an act of kindness ❤

beautiful flowers 🌹🌷🌸🌼🌻🌺🌾

inspiring quotes! 🚪

not being in severe pain! ❤👍😀😍

belly laughs that hurt so good 😂😭 😍😘❤

hearing a song we havent heard in a while and forgot all about 😀🎶🎵🎼🎤🎷🎹🎻🎺🎸📻📺📀

dark, soft pretzels! 😍😘❤

Cozy Winter & Fall nights at home ❤

Cool nights! ❤

scary movies & comedy movies 👻😂😭📀📺

simply being alive! ❤😀📈📉〽💹

Look at all that “stupid shit!” lol

And so, so much more!! I can go on all day!

Blessings upon blessings! ❤

There is so much beauty in each & every day, each age, every stage, every situation, season, problem… and if we acknowledge it, embrace it, celebrate it, and share it, we are truly blessed! 😀❤

Go ahead write out your own list! I was already happy but now after writing this I feel as if I can just float away into a blue sky full of fluffy white clouds (another blessing!) or drift through a gray rainy sky (more blessings!) Writing a list of blessings\gratitude list, really does do wonders! ❤

Much love & light to you, always!

xoxo Kim

Every leaf❤

Oct20

“Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree.”

I took this picture today after work. When i saw the ground completely covered in crisp Autumn leaves, I was instantly struck with the incredible beauty & this quote came to mind. Every single individual leaf is beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, breathtaking and I make it a point to try to look at each one. I love to touch them also. I’m so inspired! I hope you find something each day that speaks bliss to your very core, something beautiful, captivating. Cherish it, savor it, celebrate it, love it. ❤ Not every street has all these leaves. I’m blessed to have my workplace on a street like this! So sweet! ❤😍😀

Much love, light, & beauty,

Xoxo Kim ❤

Beginnings. ❤

Oct19

“Auercliff is a house of secrets,” I continue, lowering my voice a little. “Too many secrets over time, all twisted together in knots. It’s too bloody old, is the problem. If I were queen of England, I’d decree that any house above one hundreds years in age should be knocked down so that its inhabitants can start again. In fact, I think I’d outlaw history entirely. All I’d keep would be literature and poetry.”

I’m reading a thrilling ghost story by Amy Cross! She’s one of my favorite authors! I don’t know where she comes up with this stuff! She writes mostly paranormal stuff i think. It’s all so fascinating! Her books though, are in some serious need of editing! She has no editor or her editor is a real slacker or something. But it never lessens my love for her writing! Hers are the books that keep me up reading late into the night until the sun comes up! Then i wake up a few hours later with bags under my eyes and dark circles and an aching body. lol But irresisible her stories are! ❤

This book is called “The Body at Auercliff” about a supposedly haunted mansion! I love ghost stories! I get all giddy! lol The excerpt above is out of this book. It’s said by a character named Verity. What a pretty name! It means truth. She is a little girl who is about to die but no one knows it yet. She’s going to contract influenza. That’s supposed to be how she dies but i don’t know if it really is yet. She if fourteen years old and says this shortly before she becomes ill. I find it inspiring that she sees destruction as a beginning to something better. A clean slate to rebuild something for the better.

I especially find this inspiring now because it can apply to my current situation. Recently I found out that very soon, as soon as the next week or two weeks, I may be out of a job! Sucky! lol The store is closing up. Actually, I don’t know how true this is. My boss is trying to sell it but she doesn’t really tell us much. There has been a few occasions throughout the last year that I came close to losing my job. It’s disappointing and not the best news but certainly not the worst news! It will feel bizzarre not working. I havent been without a job in over ten years. That’s probably true for most people at least in the U.S. We mostly all have jobs and it sucks to lose them. But along with my disappointment I feel inspired. This is an opportunity, a push, to begin something better. Through the years I have tried to find other jobs but not as hard as I could have. It wasn’t urgent since I did have this job. But now I’m inspired to look more seriously for another job, even if just another store job temporarily.

I do have some work experience other than at the store but not much so it’s hard to find a different kind of job. But not impossible! I don’t like some of the comments I received in person. They seem too somber for the occasion! Like, it’s my job I’m losing; not my life! gee whiz! lol It’s only a job! I’ll find another one. I live with my dad who works and my mom so I won’t be out on the street or anything. 😀

I will greatly miss it here at the store. I love every second of working here and got so much experience in various ways. I love the customers, the joy it brings, everything. I always said even if I got a “real” job I want to still work at least one day as a server at a store or restaurant because nothing can match that joy of bringing joy to others, the families, the kids, the doggies, sometimes! It’s a very happy job! (usually! of course there will always be the occasional person acting in a difficult manner! but that’s just the way it goes!)

Even if i never again have a job as a food server, I will always have the memories to cherish! Also, another kind of job can be just as pleasing, even more in some ways! One of the things I absolutely love about my job is the simplicity of it. It is joyous and fun having conversations with customers, telling people our different toppings and confections, seeing the joy on their faces, the way they take pictures and laugh when it’s better than they expected. But I hope my next job or at least one in the near future will be more challenging. I want to work on projects, expand my creativity, come up with new ideas, do teamwork…. I definitely want a job working closely with people. How thrilling! But I am ready to move on to bigger and better things! ❤

Now I just have to hope I find something available! 😀

If you are experiencing the end of something great like I am and finding it overwhelmingly sad or seeing it as unfortunate or negative, try instead to see it as transition into something new. Focus on the inspiration of a new beginning instead of the sorrow of an ending. If you’ll be out of work against your will, like me, how about while searching for a new job, also use all your free days to learn something new, develop new skills, find a new or rekindle an old fun activity, do volunteer work, study something on your own. I felt anxiety off and on and embarrassment that I’ll be not working but i won’t let that drag me down. I’m going to fill my days with beauty and joy like I always do but add even more to it. I often work long hours, weeks in a row. I rarely have two days in a row off work. And just after a couple days off, I miss it and cant wait to be back. So being out of work will be hard not just because of less money when I already have very little, but it will take some getting used to. But I’ll fill my hours that I would be working, with something worthwile and positive instead of sulking.

I feel that this experience is like an invitation to evolve. And i want to inspire someone else to do the same. This doesnt have to be a low place! 😀😍 I am more full of wonder than sorrow or disappointment, more thrills than anxiety, more inspiration than attachment.

Destruction, endings, ruin, losses…are all opportunities to rebuild, to come back even stronger. ❤

“So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits,
I hope you have found a friend,
Closing time, every new beginning,
Comes from some other beginning’s end…” ❤

Closing Time – Semisonic – mobile

Closing Time – Semisonic -desktop

Much love & light, always! ❤

xoxo Kim

Survivor❤

Oct4

(suicide survivors)

“Risin’ up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive”

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor – mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

I met these beautiful souls Sunday morning! They were laughing because their big beautiful dog came running over to my dad and me. lol 😍❤ They lost someone close to them to suicide and they survived it! And they survive it each & every day and take their agony and use it for the good of others. 💔❤ How heartbreaking but inspiring! ❤

(this isn’t him & this isn’t my photo – i got it on the Afsp page! Isn’t s\he adorable!? There were so many adorable furkins there!! 😍❤😀 )

On Sunday morning I attended the Out of the Darkness walk for suicide prevention. The money that is donated goes to education and community programs to help save lives.

I have been told by a couple of people that paying money for these kinds of things is pointless, stupid, and a waste. I completely disagree because days, weeks, months, years of ongoing research and exploration can all add up to eventual breakthroughs, discoveries and enough skills, knowledge, and ideas to come up with a cure for something or to discover a way to make things better.

When a cure or solution or important info. is found for something, I don’t think it was usually found in a day with no previous research, funding, education, developing of skills…it all adds up and the journey of exploration, experimenting, or searching itself is valuable. There can be smaller but still significant steps along the way. Also, these walks do not just help in a monetary way, they are so healing and inspiring just to see all those people who care to show up. Each person has been touched in some way personally or just deeply cares about the cause. And often, it’s already too late for the ones walking. Many of them already lost someone to whatever it is, suicide, cancer, asthma….but they want to walk to bring awareness to and show support for, and prevent it happening to others. During the suicide prevention walk, we all wear honor beads of various colors to show the way we have been impacted by suicide. Or to show that we just support prevention and awareness.

I loved doing the walk. I always feared that a suicide prevention walk may be a trigger for me, especially now because I am just coming out of a severe depressive episode, a bad one, one of the worst ones I experienced and this thing has lasted longer than they have in a while.

But I gathered up my inner strength and my courage and attended! And I found the walk inspiring and healing. To be surrounded by people who understand the pain of mental health conditions is a great thing. There’s a kind of irony about it. It’s amazing to see so many people supporting suicide awareness & prevention and understanding the pain that overwhelms those with mental illness and those who care for them. It’s so great that so many care and act on their love for those who are sick and have died. But it’s also extremely devastating because most people there on those walks have lost someone to suicide and know that pain all too well. And many others there struggle themselves. So while it’s a great thing that so many care to come out and walk, it’s so unfortunate that so many have experienced something so tragic and that so many struggle with mental health problems.

But at the walks, we focus on the bright side. The awareness brought to suicide and the research and programs supported by donations have so much potential to save lives. And we see that none of us are alone in our struggle. While we dont ever want anyone to be afflicted with our pain, we know they are. So it’s great to come together and find each other and see the incredible love everyone has for those grieving for their lost ones and those of us struggling. We take our pain and turn it into something good, bringing light into so much darkness.

We were all given beads of various colors. Whatever our personal relation to suicide\mental illness is, we are given beads to indicate that, so others can see and know that someone understands our pain intimately.

At first it felt so awkward wearing the beads, like I was advertising my condition. Everyone who looked at me knew so much just by the color of my beads. And most people there were not wearing the ones that are for a personal struggle; very tragically most seemed to have lost someone. Some individual people even wore just about all the colors to show they lost multiple people to suicide, parent, sibling, lover, friend, child….how tragic to lose even just one and some have lost many! 💔

So, anyway, for a while I walked around with my arms trying to cover my beads. It felt as if I was flaunting a thing that shouldn’t be flaunted. I felt in a way like I did when i experienced my first psychiatric hospitalization years ago, after years of suffering in secrecy then telling all of my deepest, darkest pain to a doctor (who was extremely compassionate & understanding), a person I did not know. I felt stripped to the bone, like people can see right through me, right through my flesh and guts and whatever else, and see the darkness of me. But then I realized there was no need to conceal my beads! Everyone there understands. Even if they don’t struggle with suicidal inclination like I do, they love someone who does or someone who did and lost the battle or they were just there to support something they are passionate about even if they have no personal relation to it. No one was going to look at me and think “Psycho!” and even if they would have, so what? I know me and that’s really all that matters!😀 It’s my light that is stronger than the darkness. My light always shines through. ❤

But as open about my condition both in person and online, as I am, see how still difficult it can be to let people in and know? Imagine what it’s like for people who aren’t open about it, to have to struggle and feel alone or try to conceal something so significant to them.

The great thing about wearing the beads is, others with the same struggle can feel a deep connection.

(I love this bracelet especially because it glows in the dark! How inspiring! I did not even know until I walked into a dark room and a green light came on. ❤)

One of the other things I loved about the walk is the general atmosphere; it was cheerful and positive. Even though it had to do with suicide, it wasn’t gloomy or dark. There were lots of smiles, singing, lots of laughing and chatting. One person even said “It’s a beautiful day!” And the scenery is beautiful, water, trees, flowers, stones, weeds, buildings, statues, grass, concrete, plants, people, dogs…So much positivity and beauty through all the pain that brought us together. I also love the universal love that is expressed. Most of us don’t know each other or all the other sufferers like us, but everyone there has a strong desire, a great passion to help and save others, even those we don’t know. A few people talking through speakers who lost a person close to them said the deaths of those they love inspires them to work to save someone else. As sad as it is it’s also beautiful. There’s nothing they can do now to bring back the victims but they can honor them, helping others like them live as survivors instead of becoming more victims. ❤💔❤

I have met people or read stories written by people who have lost someone to suicide and said if their story or donation to research can save even just one life, just one, they will feel like the death of the one they love and lost isn’t so senseless and will feel as if their person is being honored and still living on in a way. I am so inspired and so shattered when i hear or read a sentiment like that. I am inspired to live for them. Even when it is difficult and seems impossible or completely pointless, I want to live so their deaths don’t have to be so senseless, so their people can have their wish of even just one life spared, fulfilled, even if they won’t know it. I want to live for all the suicide survivors who do all they can to save a life I want to carry on for all those we lost and all those struggling, to try to bring hope and inspiration to anyone I can in any way I can. Though I’m not a saint and not always kind and loving. Sometimes I argue with people, laugh at stuff I probably shouldn’t be laughing at, sometimes I reject favors someone asks of me….and that’s ok and probably true for most of us! We don’t have to be absolutely perfect to be perfect in our own way and to be loving, kind, compassionate, and generous in general. ❤

The thing about depression is that it does not necessarily get us to only see the negative or unpleasant side of life, as some may think. That is possible but not always so. Often with depression, we can and do see the bright side, the goodness, the beauty, the love. We often can see the positive things. But it doesn’t matter. The pain or the numbness make it so nothing has purpose, nothing matters, the good things aren’t enough to cheer us or if we’re suicidal, not enough to get us to want to live. I’m not speaking for everyone with depression but this is my experience and the experience of many of us. Sometimes even when something brings me deep joy, like my dogs for example, or the holiday season or beauty of nature….it just is vanquished by the pain, the deep despair of depression. It’s not always that there’s no joy with depression; but when there is, often, it just feels like it doesn’t matter.

But it is possible to seize all the good things, all the beauty, all the good things we can do for others, and hold on for them even in the throes of suicidal depression. It may take practice for it to become easier to list and live for the good but I can tell you it is possible. Recently I found myself in a very dark place that I almost forgot exists. It frightened me because it got to the point where my pain and despair felt so profoundly and so frequently like I was in another world, another place, one that is dark and pointless and never ending. My pain was connected to nothing on Earth and I knew it. It was nothing at all to do with anything. It’s not that I had no problems(though I had nothing serious going on), just that they were not what was depressing me. Some people do have environmental depression that is beyond the grief or distress almost anyone would have in that situation. But this isn’t what I have usually. What I have more than environmental depression is a deep, inherent sense of purposelessness and despair that has nothing to do with what I have or do or dont have or do. I do not have low self esteem so this depression i have is not a secondary thing as a result of that. When it flares up though, it’s often a general sense of despair about nothing in particular. And it starts on the top of my head like something physical and invisible and so heavy just crushing my whole body beneath the terrible weight of it. It surrounds me and is within me. It makes it hard for me to stand.

I knew I was in a bad way when i got out of a shower one day recently and saw my sweet boy sitting on my bed, my lil pomchi. He looked so adorable and was wagging his tail at me and i felt so much love for him and so much joy well up in me. But my despair was just so deep and my joy was just drowned in the depression, even though I was able to still feel it. I wanted to die even though my dog brings me so much love and joy and happiness.

So, you see, it’s not that we feel we have nothing necessarily, just that it’s like nothing matters, like nothing can conquer that despair and purposelessness. Nothing. But it’s not true. Love & beauty can conquer this illness. This sickness I know so well. It is a sickness. I know this because I can feel it. When it reaches a certain depth, I can’t think that it’s anything but a dark sickness come to take me, suffocate me, consume me. A sickness that grips me so tightly in its bondage I can hardly breathe. My whole body feels it. But Love can conquer it. Love for anyone or anything we can love. Even if we still want to die, still are in deep pain or so numb we can’t feel a thing; even when joy is drowned in despair, there is a reason to push through. It’s so hard but so possible.

I live to bring hope to suicidal people. Hope that pain can end and until then, we can still live, still love, grasp any sliver of light we can. Even if the pain keeps coming back, it’s worth the struggle to live. And I live to bring hope to suicide survivors. Hope that the deaths of those they love and lost are not in vain. Their stories touch me; their love lifts me. I wish they never died but since they did and that cannot be changed, their pain can be used for goodness. I will keep giving, keep sharing, keep loving, keep living. I will always live to love even if I don’t always love to live. ❤ And I hope everyone else will too, no matter how hard it can get.

❤;;;;;❤

~L;ve~

~surv;vor~

(A boy was carrying this sign Sunday, holding it up for anyone & everyone to see and I wanted to get a picture but did not have the chance then later i saw it on this rail thing here! This kind young man brought me so much love & hope with this act of love for all of us. Wishing us love and positivity even though he doesn’t know us is a perfect example of someone surrendering to universal love. ❤😍)

Much love & light to you, always!! 😍😀❤ And lots of hugs! Keep letting your light shine on us all. The world needs all of us. ❤

xoxo Kim

Live in Love <3

Oct3

A verse out of a version of the Dhammapada that I have & love!! 😀

Much love & light to you, always!! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

Coffee beans (because I just can’t think of a good post title)

Oct2

Thursday was free coffee day at wawa! Any size, any flavor, any amount of cups for free! Hot coffee that is! No iced coffee for free. It was so bizarre to see countless people walking in, making up cups of coffee and just walking out without even getting into a line! And no one was watching to be sure we weren’t walking out with stuff other than coffee without paying. And no one seemed to care that some people were taking out multiple cups of coffee in carriers.

It’s not everyday we see many people walking out of stores with stuff without paying! It was kind of like a madhouse in there! Lol Can you guess what kind of coffee I got?! That’s right! Pumpkin! 😉

It was delectable! Luckily I was also buying soda and had to get in line because it would have felt so awkward making up coffee and just leaving. My mom and sister said it wouldnt but to me, it would feel like stealing even though it’s not!
I also attended Buddhist class, which was lovely. I love the teacher! She’s a lay Buddhist who was filling in for our teacher Gen Tenzin who I also love! He has to travel the world sometimes, to teach Buddhism in other countries and stuff. He is a Buddhist monk. Eve, our teacher, Thursday, is very gentle and loving and one of the people with energy that I feel resonates deeply with my own. Just to be near her is very calming. She’s also funny and very patient. She taught me how to make a mala one year and wasnt annoyed when I couldn’t catch on and messed stuff up. It’s hard to learn to tie the knot and I really just couldn’t and kept needing help. It was awkward having to keep asking for help but she showed no signs at all of being annoyed. Even in school as a child I had teachers who would get so annoyed when kids needed extra help. But Eve is more than happy to show us the way even when we struggle. Patience is a virtue she masters well. ❤ I am very thankful to have met her and know her. 😀

Thursday night she reminded us to give thanks, even if just in our head, for all the kindness others show us and to be aware of all the ways in which we are helped by others. There is an infinite number of ways we count on and are helped by others, people packaging our food, making our clothes that we buy, teaching us skills like writing, reading, driving, preparing coffee beans n stuff…and she reminded us to always be thankful for our mom who took great care of us, gave us life or the life we had growing up, loves us, fed and clothed us… Even if there is someone we have a tumultuous or strained relationship with, we can give thanks for the practical things that person has done for us.

Instead of thinking merely in “selfish” terms like we have a job, money, a place to live, all because we accomplished it, we can shift our focus to how others helped us get to those places, building our house, teaching us the skills for that job, giving us the job…this is very transformative and a great way to live, focusing on gratitude and the kindness of others. We can still take pleasure in our own accomplishments while acknowledging how others help us get here along the way.

Also, we are encouraged to be conscious of our thoughts and speech and how they may affect others.

This is not mine; I took it off the Buddha center’s page.

Also, Thursday was a beautiful cool, very rainy day, morning til night.

Just lovely! 😀 ❤

Doesn’t this look like bokeh effect? It’s a natural one though! I was exploring different ways to get photos of the rainy night, while in my dad’s car and I noticed that when I hold the phone camera up, very closely, to the window with the droplets on it, it looks like that and then I put the flash on to brighten the raindrops. This photo has no effect or anything but I did increase the saturation and fixed the contrast to make the colors more vivid.

These are more of my rainy pics.

Tomorrow morning before work, if it all goes as planned, I’m going to attend the Out of darkness walk, here in Philadelphia, for suicide prevention. I always wanted to do something like that but could never seem to find the courage or inner strength. I used to go on the asthma one occasionally and helped out for the HIV one, which I couldn’t attend because I had work, but I always found the thought of the suicide prevention one overwhelming. But I think I can now. My dad may be going with me. My sister was going to but decided it’s too early in the morning for her. I don’t mind going myself.

If you are here in Philadelphia maybe you want to come? It’s at the art museum and begins at 8:30am but the opening ceremony is at 8:00am. You can register there and donate any amount of money. Ends at 11:00am I think. Then I have to go right to work!

Also, they give us beads to wear. The color given to us is dependent upon our personal association with suicide…loss of a child, parent, sibling, lover, friend or family member, suicide attempt or struggle our own self, love someone who struggles, or just support the cause with no personal relation to it. This is so we can look around and see how many people intimately know and understand our own struggle or passion. ❤

I hope the courage doesn’t elude me tomorrow! Lol

I can do this, I can do this!! Lol (Hopefully…)

I love the beautiful feeling of togetherness of walks for various causes; everyone there or almost everyone cares to help support, prevent, bring awareness to….<3

So, if you are there and see me, come give me a big hug! 😀 I’m very shy but love hugs! ❤

This is me just so you know who to come up and hug! I don’t want you hugging the wrong person and being mistaken for a perv or something. But especially, I just don’t want to miss out on the hug! 😉

Much love & light, always!!
Xoxo Kim 😀