Tag Archive | positive

Grief, Loss, & Healing

I mentioned in previous posts that last month, my beautiful sweet fur baby, Koko died of old age. She was fourteen years old and my family had her for twelve years. It is one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. The fact that she was old and lived a full dog life with us brings me a sense of consolation but my grief was / is still so very strong. It hurts. So deeply. She was a significant part of me.

She slept with me and on my chest so many nights. I carried her around and loved and hugged and kissed her. I had her since I was a fourteen year old girl until I became a 26 year old woman. It’s unbelievable that she’s gone.
I got her in high school and she was there at every stage of this life of mine. When I struggled with depression, hospitalizations, graduations, loneliness, new people, college, just everything.

I can’t believe I’ll never hold her again.

Some moments that fact hits me so hard so deep. It cuts me. And it hurts. How can my sweet, sweet beautiful Koko be gone? Forever!? It’s incomprehensible. It’s astounding. I can’t believe it.

I can’t. It’s too sad. She was my baby. For about three weeks after Koko died, my grief was the number one thing I felt over anything. I have a generally happy life so underneath my grief I felt happiness but it was drowned out by the grief. I could hardly laugh or joke and be my lighthearted self for weeks. Finally, my zest for life returned and my grief took the back burner and my happiness returned to the top again with some occasions my grief becoming strong again.

But generally, my happiness was at the front. I know grief heals but never ever goes away. The edge usually goes away in general and that raw pain like in the beginning doesn’t take over in general anymore. For many people, the raw pain may make an appearance through the years every now and then. Maybe triggered by something or maybe just coming out of nowhere. But it’s no longer a constant after healing begins.

The raw pain of the loss of my sweet girl came back about a week ago. I expected it would at some point. And I expected it would go again. For the last week I have been struggling hard with it. I miss my Koko and I want so badly to hold her close and kiss that sweet head again. She kissed Soooo much! She loved to kiss.

I have so many, many pictures of her and I am incredibly thankful for that even though it hurts to see them. I can see her so clearly in my memories.

I want my grief to continue healing but I don’t want it to ever go, as painful as it is. It is an indication of true love & blessing.

It’s hard because not everyone understands the severe agony of pet loss so I cannot express my pain to everyone. Many, many people believe it’s just sad when a pet dies but not a “Real” or serious loss. People can think, feel what they will. But this is a big, and horrible loss for me.

I am angry. And I have been feeling as if I’m acting like a spoiled little ungrateful brat focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

But I know that’s not true. Grieving is ok.

Today I woke up with my heart pounding at the thought that I will never see my girl again. Not ever.

So I have to accept it. I have to. For me.

It’s not easy. But it just is.

Shortly after Koko died, I saw a sign hanging up that said pomeranian puppies for sale. A family had a litter of puppies that their dogs unexpectedly had and they had to find homes.

We had three other dogs already and were not looking for another. My mom had to go to a check cashing place. I complained. I usually go everywhere with my mom and did not want to go but she had to so we went. I walked in the door with a heavy heart. So broken and heavy.

I stood there trying to keep my grief at bay. I looked up across the room for no reason and there was that sign!

I couldn’t believe it! Koko was part pomeranian!! And no dog can ever replace her and make it ok that she’s gone even if I love that dog just as much but I wanted to give one of those babies a home.

My mom told me to copy the info. But she said my dad probably would not allow us to get one of those pom poms because my dad doesn’t like to have more than a few pets and we already had some.

But I copied it and when he came home after work i told him about the sign. He wasn’t as thrilled as we were but surprisingly to us it wasn’t completely out of the question either. I’m very, very shy even on the phone and I rarely make phone calls to people I don’t know or know well. Even as an adult I used to have my mom make my phone calls for me for things like therapists and stuff.

My dad told me to call the family selling those pups. Like I said before, these are not puppy mill or pet shop pups and I don’t support puppy mills and the atrocities and horror those places are full of. This is just a family with a litter of pups their dogs had.

Some how I mustered up the courage to call! And the lady told me there was one boy left! One boy waiting for his loving forever home!

I have never lived a day of my life without a pet and never will. In my family we never ever give pets away. No matter what. No matter how bad they are. Lol! 🙂

And I love them like people. So I knew that boy would have a loving furever home with us.

He was the last pup just waiting. They had him in a playpen and he was standing up wagging his little tail and was so so happy to see us. He smothered me with kisses when I held him. Just like Koko used to. And he has Koko’s face! But certainly not her personality! She was calm and gentle and reserved.

This little boy is a terror! He’s wild and energetic and gets into everything he can get his little paws on!

He wasn’t afraid or anxious coming with us. I am so thankful that it was him there who we got to bring home. We had him for a little bit over a month and I can’t imagine not having him.

He is absolutely perfect. I love how it’s like honoring Koko. He’s the same breed but full breaded and he’s like her life’s gift to us. I would never ever have wanted Koko to go away just to get another new dog. I wanted to hold on to her forever. But I couldn’t and with this horrible situation we have him. This perfect five month old little pup.

Even my dad, who was reluctant at first and likes to be in control of everything is happy we got him and he calls him his son! Lol

His name is Emmy. And everyone loves him. Even the other dogs. Boobie who was Koko ‘s best friend in the world and was heart broken to lose Koko did not like Emmy at first. She avoided him like the plague. Now she loves him and plays with him the most! Koko did not usually play, she just snuggled. Boobie is ten years old and all she does is play with five month old Emmy! He brought out her playful side.

Sometimes at night when I’m grieving so hard over my loss, I look next to me and see sweet little Emmy sleeping and I am overcome with gratitude and joy. It doesn’t take away my severe pain but it does ease it somewhat to know something good has come of this agonizing circumstance.

Yesterday Emmy ripped my nose ring out! It has been pierced for about nine years and was never out! But yesterday morning when I was half sleeping it looked like a great plaything and he leapt up and ripped it out! It was bleeding! It needs special equipment to get it on and off but somehow he got the ball off and it flared up my pain disorder so bad. So my pain has been quite excruciating! Tomorrow I have to go to the piercing place and get it put back in.

I love that sweet boy.

My mom, dad, and sister believe in signs and that things were /are “Meant to Be.”. I do not believe that. They believe Emmy is “God’s ” gift or that Koko sent him to us. I don’t believe in anything of that sort but I love the way it all worked out.

I wanted to write something for myself to express my pain inside but also to let people know or remind people of the blessings all around, even in horrific situations. There’s always something good. It’s ok to grieve how you must as long as it takes.

I have lost animals my whole life because I have always had them and it’s always sad. But as a teenager and younger I did not feel negative or painful emotions as strongly as when I grew up.

Another sad loss I have experienced two years ago this month is the loss of a human friend, John. I never hung out with him but I saw him frequently and I love/d him as a friend. He died of an illness of the liver. It was shocking and devastating and still is sometimes. It is also one of the worst kinds of pain I ever had to endure. But I let myself grieve and heal.

I am blessed with happy, loving, & funny memories of him.

He was a friendly, funny, and very loving man. And I am blessed to have known him.

One song that helped me cope with his death is: “Return to Innocence” by Enigma.

“Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide”

Shortly after he died I felt guilty for still feeling pleasure in things but I know I can’t stop living just because others have died. I am still here and I must go on.

My heart goes out to anyone who is grieving for any reason whether your loss is recent or many, years ago. I hope you soon find the strength, hope, and consolation you need.

Sweet Koko. April 1999 – April 2013

Sweet little Emmy.

Xox0 Kim

Rejection & How To Handle It

Apr26

“When one door closes i hope one more opens.” lw

I have been thinking about rejection of all kinds. There are many different forms of rejection in this life. Romantic interest, friendship/peer rejection, job applications, college/university rejections and more.

Rejection is something that feels very unpleasant probably to everyone it happens to no matter how big or how unimportant/small the rejection may be.

And one incident of rejection can make a person feel low about herself/himself in many other aspects of that person’s life or self.

It’s important to keep in mind though that in many cases the rejection is not an indication that the person being rejected is somehow inadequate in some ways or “not good enough”. Not everyone will always be accepted or loved by everyone for everything, even people you think should love or accept you.

And even in the cases where rejection may have occurred because the person is/was not the best candidate or person for something or someone, that says absolutely nothing about the worth or goodness of the person as a whole.

You can be a great and beautiful person but just not the best at something or the best for someone. And even if you are the best at something and would be perfect for someone or something it doesn’t mean you will be accepted for whatever it is you want to be accepted for.

Recently I experienced rejection and that’s what got me thinking about this whole topic. I have been rejected before by peers and for jobs but this kind of rejection I experienced recently is a kind of different situation.

I was unkindly rejected by someone who was my therapist for the last few months. He had a bad attitude and somewhat bitter tone in his voice which he never had with me before.

I currently don’t have health insurance and I go to a free mental health clinic where I am treated for depression. It is for people with low income or no income who live in the area.

The therapist I recently had is a student about to graduate. At the clinic only students can talk to patients with no insurance and after the students graduate they can only have patients with health insurance.

Since my therapist is about to graduate in a month he won’t be able to talk to me anymore unless I receive insurance. He said a few weeks ago that he liked talking to me and wanted me to fill out an app for insurance so I can stay his patient.

I agreed but I procrastinated but still intended to make an attempt to get insurance soon.

But a few days ago I talked to my therapist on the phone where he had a negative attitude which I soon realized was directed at me.

He said he sees I still have no insurance and even though he can still have me as a patient for another month he is making the choice to “push me off to someone else” because I did not fulfill my obligation.

I told him I can have insurance soon, possibly before he graduates.

He kept saying sarcastically that he is pushing me off to another anyway.

I asked him if I can at least have one more session with him. He said no. He will have someone else contact me soon about getting another therapist.

Then before we hung up he said “I kept pushing you to get your insurance and I see I got nowhere with you. Bye.”

Then he hung up. Wow. How unpleasant. He was never that rude with me before.

Even if I did not have insurance for the next few weeks after he graduated, he can still take me back if he wanted after I get it but he refused. That angry, huh?

I know I wasn’t right for putting that off but it wasn’t like I was hurting anyone or lying or anything.

It wasn’t like I did something to him personally. It’s MY insurance. Not something I should have done for him. I don’t know why he took that so personally or whatever.

And he made it a point to get in one last sarcastic remark to me before hanging up.

I find that to be very uncalled for, for a couple of reasons.

First of all, workers anywhere working with people should not get an attitude like that with anyone especially when the customers/patients aren’t getting an attitude problem with them.

And especially when those people are suicidal mental patients! That’s kind of messed up.

I did everything I was supposed to do all along and one thing I waited a little bit longer to do provoked this kind of reaction.

My mom said I should have got sarcastic back or something. Or at least told him about speaking to me that way.

But I’m just usually not like that.

What’s more important than seeking revenge or calling someone out on something is handling things well in my own head, in my opinion.

There’s nothing wrong with confronting someone about something, in fact, that’s usually the best way to go, but in this case I just decided not to.

I may have been wrong but I do not believe he had to react that way.

Therapists/counselors, just like patients, are people. They feel the same emotions that patients feel. They are not robots or invincible. So when a patient leaves or does something undesirable I can understand how they themselves may feel a sense of rejection or anger or loss or grief or disappointment over the patient.

But as therapists I believe they should learn to and practice handling it in professional and healthy ways for themselves as well as the patients. There’s nothing wrong with a therapist having negative feelings about a patient or something the patient does but it should be handled well and not expressed bitterly.

Sometimes just letting something slide is the best thing. Or talking to the person about it in a calm, civil manner.

I also felt a sense of violation I guess you can say. Like I mentioned before, I am an “open book”. I don’t mind expressing myself to people, even negative aspects about myself. But it’s not always easy or pleasant.

And some people it’s easier to talk to than others.

Usually I did not talk to this therapist in great depth.

Very recently I began to tell him more deeper things about me like what it feels like for me to be depressed.

So I regretted everything I told him.

First I felt guilt and later I started to feel anger.

So I decided to compose a list of ways that I feel are best to handle rejection. I am surely no expert but I still have a few ideas! 🙂

1.) Remember, rejection happens to everyone who takes risks, interacts with people, and anyone who is simply alive. When you experience rejection of any kind it may feel very personal and lonely to you but it says nothing about who you are personally and you aren’t alone. Everyone gets rejected in some way all throughout their lives. Maybe you deserve it, maybe you don’t but you are no less of a person or no less valuable because of it.

2.) Don’t limit your experiences and opportunities just to avoid rejection. Your life will become/remain stagnant and dull. It’s ok to be rejected every now and then even though it feels very painful or disappointing or devastating. If you constantly try to avoid it by not doing things you want, you will never experience good things and you’ll never win.

3.) Don’t allow this experience to lower your self-esteem. Previous rejections never indicate future rejections or general inadequacy. And they are not a sign that you are a horrible person.

4.) Let your sorrow flow. It’s ok and healthy to feel sad for a while but let yourself heal and move on. Never stay stuck in this state for too long. Express it how you feel is healthy and right for you. Writing, listening to music, talking to friends, exercise, go for a walk…anything that is good for you. But don’t let it ruin your life and your happiness.

5.) Remember that whoever rejected you and whatever you were rejected for, you can still have a happy life without that person/thing. If you were rejected by a love interest or by a university staff or for a job you don’t need those people or things to be happy. People and things can add to or bring out your happiness but to be truly happy you have to work on your inner self. It’s ok to grieve, feel loss, disappointment and move on.

6.) Remember there is more than just you in an instance of rejection so don’t take it personally even when it feels personal. There is you and there is the person who rejected you. If you were rejected by a person you are romantically attracted to, there are hundreds of reasons why that person may have rejected you no matter what s/he says. Maybe the person just has no romantic attraction to you. Not everyone is attracted to everyone but it says nothing negative about the person who is not liked by the other. Maybe the person isn’t ready for a romantic relationship at this moment….

If you were rejected for a job, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t good enough and it definitely doesn’t indicate that you’ll never be good enough for that kind of job. Maybe there’s too many applicants and another application was in first or maybe another person has more experience or more qualifications…there are so many reasons, and a combination of things that contribute to rejection so please don’t feel that it’s all you or all your fault.

7.) Don’t obsess over it. Wish the best for the person. In college there were two girls I liked and wanted to be friends with. They had similar interests as me and we were part of the same organization. I’m a very shy girl but I still made attempts to express interest in them. I would sit close to them and talk to them a little bit, as much as I could for being a shy girl. I requested one as a friend on facebook and the other requested me as a friend. We did not interact much on facebook but occasionally we would comment to each other.

I started writing to them more.

But eventually both girls stopped talking to me. I would write to them and they would not write back. I even noticed when I would comment on their statuses they would “like” every comment and skip over mine and respond to everyone but mine. I know sometimes people don’t “like” or respond to the last comment on a status but even when mine wasn’t last they would skip over it and like the other ones.

Then they both removed themselves off my friends list.

Oh well, their loss! I was angry but I still wish the best for them with everything.

These are just a couple of cases where I have been rejected. There are more.

8.) If there is a clear reason why you were rejected, take the constructive criticism and use it to your advantage. If you were rejected for a job for not enough experience, try to get more experience like volunteering. If a person rejected you because you were not showing much interest in that person then you can start being more conscious of how much attention you show to your friends/family.

9.) Try again! Still fill out job applications, look for new friends, apply to schools…

10.) Remember when people reject you, sometimes it’s them with the problem, not you.

11.) You don’t have to repress your sadness or disappointment or deny it. It’s ok to feel it, admit it, and express it. Then you can move on and find/create many more opportunities! 🙂

12.) Never define yourself by what others think or say about you.

13.) Pay close attention to the simple joys of living. The sunset, the sunrise, the moonlight, the warmth of the sun, cool summer breezes, butterflies, flowers… There’s so much to be incredibly thankful for even through sadness and pain.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” ~ Milton Berle

“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~Thomas Edison

“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” ~Vince Lombardi

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~Will Rogers

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” ~Henry David Thoreau

❤

X0xo Kim

I Hope You Dance

Apr20

. It’s a rainy Friday night here in Philadelphia which reminds me of a song by Peppers Ghost called “Friday Night in Philadelphia.” It’s a great song but I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere!

I guess maybe it isn’t very popular?

Anyway, the lyrics are something like this “….Friday night, rainy night in Philadelphia…”. I always love when it rains and when it’s raining on a Friday night? Well, that’s what’s up! Lol 😉

I just got home recently. I was at work all night. I also have another song on my heart tonight. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack.

I love, love, LOVE that sweet song. It’s so uplifting, beautiful, and just the sweetest. ❤

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance”

Every word of that song, every line, every little message conveyed through that song touches me deeply, inspires me greatly.

To me, one of the most poignant lines in that song is

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

As most people who know me and mostly anyone who has read some parts of this blog of mine know, I have struggled with severe depression since I was young.

Not for any one specific reason. It runs in my family and some environmental issues have brought it out in me when I was young.

But I made a choice some years ago to take my life back and take control of it.

Some days I still feel that depression, that darkness, that despair, slowly creeping up on me getting ready to pounce any second.

It’s hard to believe I haven’t been suicidal or even thought of it in a serious or semi-serious way in six months. That is truly unbelievable to me. In 13, THIRTEEN years I have NEVER gone for more than four months, and usually not even that long without at least a little suicidal thought sneaking up on me because a depressed mood would sink in even if brief. My depression has always lifted completely for weeks or months for as long as I had it since 13 years old but always came back, to some degree, sometimes for a few days or few months before going again. Sometimes I would not be depressed and have no suicidal thoughts for four months and think I never would again, then depression would hit for a couple days, with suicidal thoughts, then go again and I would be happy for some more months or weeks. But those couple hours or days made it so I couldn’t go straight through without it.

But now? SIX months!!! And it’s all because of me. Because of the work I made a choice to do for myself. Of course I have had much help along the way but I am the main one.

I may have explained this to some extent on here before that there are different degrees of feeling suicidal.

There’s the brief, fleeting thought that ends as quickly as it appears.

Then there’s the ones that linger for a while.

There’s contemplation which is often accompanied by ambivalence.

Then there’s serious contemplation.

Then there’s the plan where the mind is made up for sure.

Then there’s the urges, compulsions where it feels that it has to be done now. There’s no more contemplation or ambivalence or uncertainty. It’s like this is it, it will happen soon or now.

I have felt all of this at various different points and it’s not pleasant. And it’s not a choice.

Actions are usually a choice but the thoughts and feelings are not.

I have learned how to often detect an impending episode that is about to occur and prevent it before it does. I am usually successful with this now.

Today, Friday, I have felt sluggish, almost depressed, in pain, still grieving over the loss of my dog, Koko.

I think of happy memories of her and smile brightly but I still cannot yet bring myself to look at pictures of her. But today I accidentally saw one of me holding her in a Christmas stocking and smiling brightly, four years ago.

I smiled but the pain was so deep. And that added to my sluggish, painful state today. Work cheered me up though and so did the rain.

It’s ok to grieve and to always sense that loss. It’s healthy.

It’s part of living. Part of loving.

I felt true depression coming on and it was about to be the suicidal kind. I can’t say how I know. I just do. After fourteen years of depression, off & on, I just know these things although they cannot be explained. So so badly I wanted to just give in and succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts/contemplation. It was taking too much energy to not give in.

Then these lyrics came to my mind and hit me hard. Right in the gut. Right in the heart as if to say “Come to your senses!”. “Get a grip!”. “Stop this utter ridiculousness!”

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

I will not succumb. I will not give in. I will not give up.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger”

I will be satisfied with, fulfilled, and thankful for all I have but I will still be passionately driven to seek more of life, more knowledge, more opportunities to learn, to live, to love, to help….

I will never lose that hunger.

I will dance.

This song gives me chills.

And I want to dedicate it to everyone who may be struggling for any reason at all, anyone who is coming close to or considering giving up, and everyone who has that hunger and will never ever give up and will choose to dance. Always. ❤

When one door closes, never be afraid to open another.

😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

Norman Vincent Peale & Positive Quotes

Apr16

One of my favorite writers and great thinkers is Norman Vincent Peale. (May 31, 1898 – December 24, 1993). He was an American minister and author ( very well known for “The Power of Positive Thinking”) as well as a motivational speaker and a big advocate and progenitor of the theory of “positive thinking”/positive thinking as a way of life. He is one of the most inspirational people I have ever read about/learned about. By what I read of him and his writings, I can see he had this incredible, positive, unstoppable attitude.

His theory is that we can overcome anything no matter how devastating or life-draining it is. “You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.”

My theory of positive thinking and optimism is that it is a great way to live but should be practiced in a healthy, realistic dosage and not be overly-dramatic or delusional.

It’s ok and necessary to vent or complain every now and then and it’s definitely ok to feel low, angry, sad, depressed….sometimes. We don’t always have to force/pretend positive thinking every second of every day.

We just should not let the negative things and despair overwhelm us too much to the point it is destroying our lives or making us live in depression or unhappiness.

We should definitely try to see positive outcomes and focus on the beauty around us but it’s ok to sulk every now & then and admit that you have problems or pain or misfortune.

Of course there is more to living than just all rainbows, butterflies, lollipops, and happiness twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! Lol

🙂

And when I say “delusional” I’m talking about not believing or claiming something that is nowhere near true no matter how positive it is.

An example I saw in a book before of delusional positive thinking is if a person has absolutely zero friends and hasn’t had friendly social contact in weeks, it’s better for that person not to tell her/himself that s/he is extremely popular and has hundreds of friends. Lol

Also, we don’t want to ignore the bad in the world and not try to help it when we can or act like it is non-existent. That won’t make it ok or make it go away.

We just should not let it run our lives.

Positive thinking alone is not always effective. It often must be paired with positive action.

Norman Vincent Peale has many great quotes said by Dr. Peale himself and there is also a collection of quotes and writings by others that inspired him. I am blessed enough to have come across them one day.

Many of them are so uplifting and inspiring and I will add some here to help inspire others.

Quotes by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale:

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

Norman Vincent Peale

I believe this is so true. It’s not always an easy or quick process to change our way of thinking but it can be done! One way is whenever you have a thought that something will turn out negative, force yourself to automatically think of other options than just the one you instantly thought.

Keep an open mind.

And remember that even if something negative does occur, you can find ways to cope and see it through. And if you have negative thoughts about yourself, counter them instantly with positive thoughts until you get into the habit of doing this.

“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.”

Norman Vincent Peale

This quote, to me, is insanely inspiring! Lol! :-D. This is to say that it’s not what happens to us that breaks or strengthens us but how we react to it. This is so empowering. We cannot always control our circumstances but with practice we CAN control our thoughts and emotions and learn to handle them better and more effectively.

“Watch your manner of speech if you wish to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Absolutely. Speaking/thinking negatively becomes a wretched habit that is so ingrained. Even thinking negative things in jest or what seems lightly like “I’m so stupid!” “What an idiot I am!” Can weigh on you with a negative impact without you even realizing. So pay close attention to your thoughts & spoken words and then correct yourself, gently, but firmly, with more positive words.

One example I have is when I get stuck working sometimes eleven hour shifts days in a row, which is rare but does happen, I realized when I would go in work in the morning thinking “what a long dreadful day this will be” I would have more of a heavy, negative way about me for the rest of the day. But when I would go in in the morning thinking “This is ok, I will make the best of it.”. I felt lighter and happier and more joyful.

Watch those words of yours! 😉

“Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Yet, another quote by the great Dr. Peale that rings so true to me! Being financially poor or unstable is not the worst that can happen but being emotionally bankrupt kind of is! As long as your head/heart is full of love and you have a good head on your shoulders, that’s all that matters! You don’t need lots of money or material things, although, it’s ok if you do have that. Just remember your worth is NOT in any way dependent upon that. ❤

“It’s always too early to quit.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Yes it is! Keep going! It’s worth it!

“It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.”

Norman Vincent Peale

“Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Don’t let what seem like barriers blocking your success or happiness hold you back or scare you! You are stronger and more powerful than those inanimate things. You are a person capable of reasoning and working through things creatively.

“The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”

Norman Vincent Peale

This is an interesting thought. Constructive criticism is good when it is truly meant to help a person for the best and when it is gentle and driven by true, good intentions. It is better than empty, fake flattery said to someone just to spare the feelings of the person or to have the person like someone better for praising. Criticism should never be destructive and intended to hurt, destroy, or drag someone down. That is uncalled for and malicious.

There are so many different people with various abilities, thoughts, ideas, and levels of creativity and it’s great to have their input.

He has many more great quotes. He was a very wise, intelligent, and inspirational man who had a tremendously positive impact on so many lives throughout his days here on Earth.

Now I will list a few of his favorite quotes by other people.

“We are not creatures of circumstance, we are creators of circumstance.” Benjamin Disraeli

“Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“It takes a wise man to recognize a wise man.”

-Xenophanes

I like this quote. It’s true if you are able to see wisdom and beauty in someone, you must be wise and beautiful yourself to be able to detect that and understand it! ❤

“When the going gets tough, let the tough get going.” –

Frank Leahy

This reminds me of a song sung by Billy Ocean, which I have on my phone and I love it! It inspires me everyday. ❤

“When the Going Gets Tough” by Billy Ocean

“I got something to tell you

I got something to say

I’m gonna put this dream in motion

Never let nothing stand in my way

When the going gets tough

The tough get going

I’m gonna get myself ‘cross the river

That’s the price I’m willing to pay”

I love Billy Ocean’s voice, it’s so beautiful and he sings beautiful sappy love songs which I love! ❤

I loved him since I was a young girl. ❤

I hope you are able to find inspiration & hope in the quotes I shared with you above!!! ❤ 😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

Thank You!!! <3 :-D

Apr14

I want to thank everyone who has recently liked any of my blog entries or hit the “follow” button for it and everyone who already liked or followed it a while ago. I am so, so thankful.

And for the people who just read it and stay quiet.

Some people think it’s “uncool” or shallow or just stupid to get so happy over “likes” or get depressed over not enough attention on social media websites. I agree that we should not let “lack of attention” on the internet get to us too much. But there’s nothing wrong with being grateful for and very happy about the “likes”, shares, reblogs, and comments that we do get.

I decided to create a blog account not only for myself to have a collection of all of my positive & happy thoughts, ideas, finds, and things but to try to help uplift others as well.

So I did create this blog account for other people to see. Even if no one ever paid attention to it I would still keep up with it for myself and whoever may come across it at some point. And you never know who may be “stalking”! Lol ;-p

I understand if you just have a blog for venting just for yourself or a blog that is “blocked” so other people cannot read it you may not care as much having no readers. But if your blog is about a certain topic for others to see, of course you’ll be thrilled over knowing that people see & like your content!!

I love that people are kind enough to take the time to read or comment or “like” my entries and stuff.

I’m going to very soon create a page under the “Menu” section here where I’m going to list the links to inspirational/positive/self-help/motivational websites & blogs.

They can be professional or personal blogs. They don’t have to be very old or completely established yet either. I have quite a few in mind that I’m going to list and I would love more ideas.

I just want a collection of links for websites/blogs with a general positive, inspirational, or self-help theme.

I’m not looking for anything in return like a link back to my blog or a promotion in any way of mine.

If you have a blog or website that is your own with that theme or if you just know of one that you love, you can send me the link either in an e-mail or in a comment here if you want and I will list it! 🙂

So many, many, many blogs & websites have helped me significantly and uplifted me even in my despair and I would love to share them with others and maybe they can be helped and inspired too. ❤

Sharing is caring!! ❤

Here are a few websites I’m going to list:

http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

http://www.soulfulliving.com/index.htm

http://www.positivelypositive.com/

I also have some other ones.

I hope you’re all having a fantastic day!! ❤ 🙂

X0xo Kim ❤

“That’s Just the Way I Am”

Apr14

I’m currently reading a book called “Finding Joy” by Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D

I haven’t completed it yet but I can already tell it’s an amazing book!

Dr. Davis Kasl came up with this idea that is designed to help people to accept themselves just the way they are, flaws or perceived “flaws” and all. We all are going to have things we don’t like about ourselves and things other people do not like about us and that is ok. We don’t have to be considered perfect to ourselves or anyone else. We can be perfect in our own way.

Dr. Davis Kasl suggests that we choose some things about ourselves that we may consider to be less than perfect and say or write it out and after saying or writing it, put “That’s just the way I am” or “That’s just what I do sometimes” or “That’s just what is” after it.

Some examples in her book are:

1.) “I get anxious filling out IRS forms. That’s just the way I am.”

2.) “I get scared and don’t stand up for myself. That’s just what I do sometimes.”

3.) “I wear a size 6 top and size 12 slacks. That’s just what is.”

4.) “Sometimes I interrupt. That’s just the way I am.”

(Page 30, “Finding Joy”, Charlotte Davis Kasl, ph.d)

I believe that we should accept what/who we are even the “bad” things because we will be happier and more joyful that way. And anyway it’s impossible to be human and have absolutely no negative things about you.

This isn’t always easy but it is definitely possible and worth it! It’s ok and even good to make attempts to change certain things about ourselves for us for the better but even while we are working to change those things, it’s still possible and good to accept ourselves as we currently are while working to change certain aspects.

For example:

Someone who wants to lose weight for the better would benefit, in my opinion, while accepting her/his current body/weight/physique while attempting to change.

By “acceptance” I don’t mean necessarily “love”. I think we should think or say “This is how I currently am” or “This is how it currently is” and “that’s ok” and try not to feel resentment or anger for ourselves.

There’s really nothing you can do right this second about how you are. If it can be changed it will probably take a while and some work. If it can’t be changed ever it will do you good to embrace or at least accept it.

Focus on the positive aspects about yourself that you like and cherish those while working on what you feel can be better.

It’s ok not to be 100% perfect in everyone’s eyes and even to our own selves.

My view is that in general, things should only be changed about a person if it’s better for that person and is a positive change. So a girl (or anyone) who wants to lose weight, in my opinion, should only do that if it’s healthy for her and what she truly wants for herself and not because of what others or society as a whole or anyone else thinks.

There have been things about myself that I thought is ok but I cared what other people thought and wanted to change it for them, not me.

Ex: My nail polish gets chipped a lot and looks unattractive even to me but I don’t have a serious problem with it. I would prefer to have lovely nails that aren’t all chipped but if they are oh well I will get around to changing them eventually.

But I recently saw people making extremely insulting comments on Facebook on a picture of a girl with chipped nail polish and saying she should constantly keep up on her nails and destructively criticizing her for not doing so. They seriously are acting like this triviality reflects who she is as a whole person. That’s quite a stretch if you ask me.

On some occasions I have looked at my terrible looking chipped nail polish and thought to myself “What would those people think of my nails like this if they saw?”

But I realized it’s not important to me what they think of MY nails! They should attend to their OWN and forget anyone else’s. It just seems so absolutely trivial.

I love fixing up my nails when I’m in the mood but I won’t make it an obsessed top priority because of what other people think!

Also, I have chicken legs. I did ever since I was a little girl. They are very thin like my dad’s. I also have extremely thin arms.

My mom always jokes in a playful way about my thin arms and chicken legs. I always found it amusing.

It’s mostly only noticeable when I’m wearing shorts (which I only wear to sleep in) or dress/skirt (which I hardly ever wear) though, not when they’re covered in pants.

I don’t have a problem with them. I haven’t struggled with my body image since I was seventeen years old.

But recently on Facebook I saw a pic of a girl about the same size as me with thin arms and legs and people were calling her “gross” and “disgusting”. I’m not underweight or malnourished at all and neither is she in that pic. And I don’t have a completely flat stomach.

And I started to think “Wow if they saw me they would think I’m disgusting.” I can just imagine the comments they would say about me!

And the truth is I let it get to me for a while. But I won’t obsess over it at all.

It’s definitely ok and even necessary to a certain extent to care what people think of us about some things. We’re not robots or whatever!

It’s good to a certain point to have emotional reactions to others. Good & bad. It’s unrealistic to expect us to never ever care. We need connections and to be healthy, I believe we should be affected by others.

Just not overly negatively affected to the point that we care more about what other people think than being true to ourselves.

We shouldn’t care so much that we change ourselves for them or care so much that we constantly obsess day & night!

That is unhealthy.

Here are some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!! Lol!

😀

1.) I’m overly empathetic and often have the tendency to let other people’s/animal’s problems & pain overwhelm me even if I don’t know those people/animals. “That’s just the way I am.”

I often feel that this means I’m very weak. And then I start to think very low of myself about it. I want to care for all living/sentient beings but I want to have barriers to protect myself against exhaustion over it. But this is me!

2.). Sometimes I do care more than I should about what other people think about certain things about me. “That’s just what I do sometimes.”

3.) I have the tendency to sometimes feel that my worth is dependent upon people & things outside of myself such as how many friends I have, how many people like me, how many accomplishments I have achieved…. “That’s just the way I am, sometimes.”

I am not as bad with this as I used to be but I must admit that I still do struggle, on occasion, with feelings of extreme worthlessness.

I know I create my own worth and purpose but occasionally it’s hard not to fall into a negative trap.

4.) I have the tendency sometimes to struggle with feelings of extreme worthlessness and feel that I’m different than most people in some ways that are not good or that other people may think are not good. And then I feel extreme loneliness and excluded. “That’s just the way I am.”

I have mentioned before about how I am a very simple kind of girl. I’m not talking about boring or shallow with no depth but I’m very happy and content with simple things, usually. That’s actually a good thing but sometimes I think it may not be socially considered so good. Sometimes laying in bed all day with my dog on a rainy day brings me just as much of a thrill as some people would probably get going on a big extravagant vacation! Lol

5.) People tell me I need to get a backbone because I tend to feel guilt at just the thought of coming back at people who say/do something negative to me. Sometimes I do get revenge and I usually feel guilty and sorry either instantly or later because deep inside I really don’t like causing pain or anger for people, even ones who do that for other people. People see it as a weakness. “That’s just the way I am”.

6.). I do like horror movies but they affect me more than they should. I’m not one of those jumpy, scared people that feel fear all throughout the movie and then at night when I’m in bed! Lol. But because of my excessive empathy, I feel pain, both physical & emotional when I see the characters feeling pain in the movie. I know it’s not real but it seems soo so real! I also feel empathy for the actors because I know they have to be feeling stress, maybe even emotional pain to some degree while making the movies. I know they chose that job but even self inflicted pain is still pain and worthy, in my opinion, of empathy and compassion!

7.) I have no special talents or creative abilities! “That’s just the way I am.”

8.) I procrastinate like crazy! “That’s just the way I am.”

9.) I am extremely disorganized and the more organized I attempt to become, the more disorganized I am! “That’s just the way I am.”

10.) I like to wear low-cut shirts and tight clothes. For me, not to attract negative attention or get lots of men. People think it’s trashy.

But I like it because I like the way I look and feel in it. “That’s just the way I am.”

11.) I don’t like when people think something negative about me that is not true. So, often, if someone accuses me of something negative that is not true, I feel the need to drag out a conversation/argument until I feel I got my point across. If someone misunderstands what I’m saying or wants to stop talking before I feel I got my point across I try to drag it out for a while. My mom and sister cannot stand this and they claim that I do this merely to cause trouble and for the sake of arguing. They call it harassment. Then I feel the need to drag that out!

Lol! “That’s just how it is.”

I really don’t do this just to argue or be negative! :-). My sister and mom are similar in ways that I am not. When they don’t understand something or are stressed or frustrated they want to quit trying to understand and not talk about it. This drives me bananas! Imagine someone accusing you of something negative then you can’t even defend yourself and get called harassing!! >:-O

12.) I’m horrible at math. Even simple basic stuff. In college I got put in the math for dummies class because my exam scores were sooo loooww! Lol! We were doing elementary school math!

:-O

“That’s just the way it is.”

13.) I am very easily amused and laugh uncontrollably even sometimes during inappropriate situations such as when someone trips or spills something. It may be annoying, possibly immature, and it makes people, especially my mom, mad! But “That’s just the way I am!”. “So sue me!” Lol! ;-D

I also laugh out loud uncontrollably in movie theatres at scenes where no one else is laughing, not sad scenes but stupid ones. And when there is a hilarious scene where everyone is laughing hysterically, I’m the one still laughing long after everyone else has stopped. Kind of embarrassing!

That “American Reunion” movie & “What Happens in Vegas” practically had me on the floor lmao!!! :-p

14.). I’m kind of the biggest pig and have to have the largest of everything when I buy food or drinks out somewhere. My mom says I eat “like there’s no tomorrow.”. Lol “that’s just the way I am”.

So there’s a list of some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!

This is not to encourage people to settle for less or to be less when we can be more. It’s to show that it’s ok to not be perfect and it’s possible and great to accept yourself the way you are, flaws and all, even if you intend to change eventually, for the better.

You’re not a “loser”, “freak”, or “worthless” just because you have a few quirks, flaws, or negative qualities.

You are not a horrible person for your less desirable traits or habits! 🙂

I read another book before which I do not remember the name or author but the author mentioned that whenever she did something or possessed a quality she or someone else did not like she would say “So sue me!”.

“I made a mistake, so sue me!”. Lol that gave me a chuckle!!

I love the feeling I got reading and doing this exercise.

I recommend it and encourage everyone to give it a try. You can list yours on your blog, in a journal, or just make a mental list but I definitely think it’s a great idea!!

❤ 😀

I hope you’re all having a beautiful day! 🙂

X0xo Kim ❤

Grief is the Price We Pay for Love <3

Apr13

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Like I stated in my last post, I am grieving the loss of my dog, Koko, who recently died of old age. I had her for twelve years.

Grief over any loss, human, animal, even something that is not a living thing such as a job, an ability, any senses….is often seemingly unbearably painful and agonizing.

Grief over a loss feels agonizing and is pure anguish. It hurts and is one of the worst feelings in the world.

But it’s not all a bad thing even though it may feel that way.

It shows that we love something deeply and are blessed enough to have known a gift that is so hard, emotionally, to lose.

In my opinion it’s better than living without true love. Living like a zombie or numb to where we have nothing to lose or love. I recently read a quote that says something about not getting too attached to people because that is the cause of grief when they die and not being attached will bring happiness.

I agree that it’s good not to be overly dependent in any way but I disagree that’s it’s good not to get too close to someone out of fear of losing that someone.

That, to me, seems like a secluded, sheltered, lonely existence. Grief hurts. Loss hurts. But it’s still good and brings happiness to be close to living things even though we can lose them one day.

Early yesterday morning while it was still dark was one of the more difficult occasions. The pain was extreme. I miss my dog. I wish I were able to hold her again, hug her, and kiss her. Watch her eyes light up and look at me, wake up next to her. It hurts.

It was hard for me that morning to take full pleasure in the beauty all around me. There were crickets chirping and birds singing and it was beautiful & lovely but my pain is so great.

It felt like it would always feel that bad. </3. I felt hopeless.

But I received an e-mail in the morning with some incredibly inspirational & consoling quotes:

“There are no hopeless situations;

there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”

– Clare Boothe Luce

“You have to accept whatever comes

and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage

and with the best that you have to give.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

“If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?”

– Percy Bysshe Shelley

“I hope that you walk around the corner

and you get very surprised.”

– Miranda Richardson

These quotes are in an e-mail by Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

I love his writings and his collection of inspirational material. It’s so mind-blowing, warm but powerful, and incredibly inspirational.

Check out his page: http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

And another quote I have read a while ago “Grief is the price we pay for love.”. I’m not completely sure of the author but I think C.S. Lewis may be.

Grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply. </3 ❤

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day/night wherever you are. ❤

Xox0 Kim ❤

Holly, Hope, & Healing

Apr3

I wrote this some weeks ago and intended to post it here then never got around to it.

I tried posting it and it would not go through and then later I posted other stuff.

In January, 2008 I met a girl named Holly. In the extremely short amount of time we knew each other for, she impacted me in an incredibly positive way. I loved meeting Holly and will always be so very grateful our lives crossed and touched. Holly was/is one of the most beautiful, sweetest girls anyone could ever be blessed to know or meet.

But the circumstance in which we met was very, very unpleasant. We were both admitted to the same psychiatric hospital, her for Schizophrenia, me for severe depression. We shared a hospital room together.

It was my first hospitalization in that kind of hospital and I was unsure what to expect. I am extremely claustrophobic and have an immense fear of small and closed in places especially if I’m alone in them or with someone I cannot connect with for some reason.

This was my only fear about the hospital. I’m generally not a fearful kind of girl.

Even regular hospitals don’t scare me. I wasn’t even scared when I was about to have emergency kidney surgery when I was twenty one years old.

Just the anesthesia stuff scared me until the doc assured me that the Anesthesia would not paralyze me while I was conscious when I asked her. So it did not surprise me that I wasn’t scared of this hospital.

I was admitted to that hospital in the middle of the night, taken in an ambulance after leaving an emergency room at another hospital where I was for eight hours. When one of the friendly psychiatric technicians took me to my room, I was afraid. Afraid that he would lock the door and I would be locked in. I was starting to protest the fact that I had to go in that dark room. I started to get loud even though I am and always have been a very quiet girl in general. Other patients were sleeping, including my roommate, Holly. I told the technician I did not want to be locked in that room and he promised I wouldn’t be locked in there and he told me gently and warmly but firmly to be quiet so I would not wake Holly. I saw her laying in bed sleeping and as he was closing the door I turned around, pulled it all the way back opened and asked “Can she talk?”. I had no idea what was wrong with her or what state or condition she was in. She may have been in an immobilized depressive state, in a catatonic state like I am sometimes or she may have been suffering with Catatonic-type schizophrenia or some other condition that would render her unable to talk or connect with me on a level that would make me somewhat at ease being in a closed room with her. The technician smiled warmly with a quick laugh and said “Yes, she can talk.”. I instantly felt at ease and a bit calmer. He closed the door and I got into my bed next to her bed.

Words will never do justice to express the true depth of my loneliness or level of my suffering that day and the other days I have struggled with depression. The loneliness was so suffocating I felt that itself would kill me or drive me to insanity if I wasn’t already there. My depression often leaves me with a sense of loneliness so deep I feel that I am the only one in this world no matter how many people are near me and talking to me. And in a sense I am the only one in the world, my own solitary world of painful confinement. Like layers and layers just covering me and I cannot truly be touched in any way. Nothing can penetrate. There is no connection with anyone or anything. Sometimes when I am in a depression, it can be lifted by interacting with others, seeing friends, going out, doing things…but not always and this episode was one I thought nothing could touch.

But I am the kind of girl who is always thrilled to meet new people and even through my pain, despair, loneliness, and depression that day, deep inside me there was some small tinge of wonder about Holly, sparkling through my pain and despair. I wanted to meet her.

I wanted to wake her up, as tired and exhausted in every way imaginable that I was. I wanted to know her, I wanted her to know me.

I wanted her to break through my sheer walls that no one could see and ease the pain for at least a little while.

I instantly felt some sort of connection already as she laid there sound asleep.

We were both girls struggling, suffering with some wretched sickness that landed us in that hospital.

But I knew I couldn’t wake her. So I laid in my bed and eventually drifted off to sleep. Then before I knew it I was waking up to voices in the room with me. “Who’s that?” I heard a curious young woman’s voice ask. “That’s your new roommate, Kimberly.” I heard the technician answer.

We had to get our vital signs taken and get ready for breakfast. I finally got to meet her. She had the biggest, brightest smile that lit up the room.

She asked me what I was in there for and I told her depression. “What’s that?” She asked, “Is it like sadness?”. I was in no mood at all to explain what depression is or why I was so devastatingly depressed and I actually wasn’t sure exactly why anyway. I just knew it had something to do with “not having friends or a reason to live.” Even though I did have close friends. It felt as if I had no one.

“Yeah” I said, “Something like that.”. I was too lethargic to get out of bed and I laid back down.

Holly told me to get a lot of rest and I instantly sensed her caring, generous, beautiful nature.

I told her my intense fear of being in closed places and Holly was kind enough to open the door for me and she told me she doesn’t ever want me to be scared or sick. But it turned out that Holly was struggling with Paranoid Schizophrenia and was suffering with terrible hallucinations and delusions.

She saw things and heard things, often extremely unpleasant and terrifying things, that weren’t really there. And she was under the impression that people were trying to hurt her and get into her head and steal or mess with her thoughts.

She suddenly became terrified having the door open and the noises in the halls were affecting her negatively so she told me that she would close the door and that she was sorry for me and that it would all be ok because we would be together and she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to scare me.

I was no longer afraid of the door being closed.

Holly was in that hospital for a very long while and was in and out of hospitals for many years.

Holly made sure all the patients got what they wanted and needed. We were allowed to have hard candy throughout our stay there and when one girl did not get any candy and wanted some but was too afraid to ask, I could see that it actually hurt Holly to see that. Holly, an extremely empathetic person, wanted everyone to be happy. So she made sure the girl got her candy. She showed me pictures she made with toothpaste that she hung on the walls in our room.

Because of my depression I stayed in bed frequently so whenever the other patients were getting ready for a fun movie night or activity, Holly would come running to our room to let me know and make sure I was included. I was so accepted, so included, so pleased that she thought of me. ❤ And it actually lifted my depression. I felt joy in the things we did together.

One night I was extremely depressed and lonely and felt I was suffocating. I went to my room and laid in bed in so much pain I felt like I was dying. The loneliness was so immense I felt I could not go on living. I truly believed it would never end, never get better. My world was collapsed on top of me and I felt buried alive, crushed and so broken. I remembered year before, being excluded by friends and the pain was unbearable.

It was like an endless nightmare but I was awake.

It was Hell on Earth.

All of my flaws, real or imagined, magnified and came speeding at me with so much force, piercing my very essence.

I laid there alone with the lights off, endless thoughts swirling around in my head. Endless agonizing thoughts. Holly came into the room and turned the lights on.

She told me about a dream she recently had while she slept and I told her one of mine. I saw her eyes light up with amazement. She was so thrilled to hear my dream.

She was so genuinely interested in other people and the welfare of others.

So sensitive to everyone else’s needs and desires.

And we talked that night for hours in our beds about our pain and also about lighter topics. We talked about our joy, the happiness we felt when our illness would go away for a while. Girly things like body mist and lotion and Bath & Body Works, which we both love, and all the stuff we did for fun and all the stuff we dreamed of doing and wanting to want again if we weren’t so sick. The stuff we did, loved, before incredible sickness took over our worlds, ravaged our brains.

For a few moments we were just two ordinary girls having a fun “sleep over.” Chatting and giggling, the way girls are supposed to be, not stuck in hospital beds wanting so desperately to die.

I actually smiled and even laughed, joyfully, and for once in seemingly so so long, I felt a deeper connection to someone, her.

And she was telling me of something funny that happened with one of the other patients and I told her about how hilarious it was when a boy with a spiral notebook that was his journal got it and his pen taken away and the pen replaced with a pencil and the sharp metal spiral thing removed out of the pages and then he got it back.

It was falling apart now.

I still laugh at that when I think back to those days. And even through the painful memories I can feel amusement and light.

🙂 😀

We laughed hysterically over the silliness we felt and how they took away our clothes and things and our shoelaces and belts and anything else that may be a potential weapon against ourselves or others.

Replacing everything potentially dangerous with safer things. Pencils as opposed to pens, smaller towels, plastic forks & spoons, all the strings and laces in clothing, and wiring in girls’ bras, all taken away.

Suddenly for a few minutes our pain that brought so much devastation and grief and the seriousness of being in a psychiatric hospital turned into

Something funny. We made fun of ourselves instead of dwelling on the seriousness and darkness of our circumstance. How crazy we are, we told each other, being dragged into a mental institution in the middle of the night. Getting all of our things taken away.

Holly told me she hears voices no one else can hear and people just call her crazy.

“I know” I told her. “I hear them too.”

She told me how much it hurt her. I know. It hurts me too.

I have also met other amazing people in that hospital those days. ❤

Michelle. Melissa. Lamont. Latrina. Kelly. Chris. Gina. Frank. Patricia. Aquanetta. And many, many more.

Yesterday and the day before were kind of sad days for me for a reason I know not what. Yesterday I felt much sadness for no known reason and then I have been struggling with a loneliness so deep, deeper than I have felt in so so long. The kind of loneliness that even great company cannot cure. It’s not as bad as it was then. And there’s another difference. I am stronger now. And I know this pain and loneliness are only temporary.

I know this pain. I know it well.

It will come and it will go. I now know that I can live. I did not know then what I know now.

I will always think of and remember Holly and the others. I haven’t seen her since I left the hospital. I know nothing of her now other than what I knew then. I have been thinking of her and the rest a lot yesterday. How they inspired me so deeply and let me see hope and light through so much darkness.

If I can laugh with a girl while we sit in our hospital beds being accused of being “crazy” hearing crazy voices, having disturbing thoughts, being locked away, I can sure sit here and laugh now! 😀

I am in a much, much better place. What a great accomplishment. Being able to be strong enough and knowledgeable enough to not let my mood sink deeper into the depression I was living then.

The depressive episodes are so much easier to handle now. And less frequent and less depression in the middle.

It’s strange but in a beautiful way. Weird to feel the same old pain sometimes but still be able to stay positive to a certain degree and even feel a shred of happiness amidst the pain and not want to die. Sometimes, even back then, I felt happy with the pain but even more now.

Before, sometimes even beneath the happiness I still felt a kind of lingering sadness, not always but on occasion. Now even through the sadness I still feel a kind of happiness more than before.

So beautifully strange. It feels weird but beautiful to live voluntarily and not just because I have to or out of fear. There have always been days/weeks/months, during my years of frequent depression, I truly wanted to live and was genuinely happy but then the depression would come back and stay a while and take my will to live. Sometimes for months. Then when I would be happy again, it felt strange and beautiful.

I will healthily mourn all my days/years lost to pain, while celebrating all the days it would lift and I would be happy, and I will move on and embrace the now I am blessed to know.

❤ </3

Wherever Holly is, I hope she is well and this goes for everyone else too. I hope everyone who is at a low point can find some consolation, hope, beauty, & light. Remember when you’re at your lowest point, the only way is up! 🙂

“Bless the broken road that led me straight to you.” ❤

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~Alice Cooper ❤

“To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.”

Ellen Bass

Xoxo Kim ❤ 😀

Art Journaling Love

Mar8

I have just recently discovered the love of art journaling and paper painting. I love to write too but there are some thoughts, emotions, fantasies swirling around in my head that cannot be expressed in writing because I cannot find the words I’m searching for!! Or they just do not appear to me to be as magical as the energy igniting in me. So they spill out in painting and coloring and drawing. And coloring, painting, drawing is just fun!!!

Like I have mentioned before I have never thought of myself as very creative or skilled at anything like drawing or painting. I’m more skilled at research and academic papers but what good is that?! Lol. That stuff is good for students and some jobs but I’m just a girl looking for some creative outlets and colorful fun!! ;-p

But I’m actually quite pleased with my drawings! They’re not so bad! And there’s one in particular that I really like. Not so much the visual aesthetics of it as the concept. It’s a black page with a small golden yellow light and a hand reaching towards it. I drew this to symbolize that no matter how much darkness or pain there is now, there is always at least a small glimmer of light that we can reach for. And the light can always get brighter & brighter and then eventually transcend the darkness.

The picture of my picture isn’t the best but it’s alright. Lol

I hope you’re all having a beautiful day/night wherever you are! ❤

X0xo Kim ❤

Lucky One. <3

Feb20

I love country music. It’s beautiful and amazing and I love that beautiful Southern accent, so gorgeous!

One of my absolute favorite songs, which is a country song, is “Lucky Man” by Montgomery Gentry.

It’s a beautiful song that inspires me everyday. The message in the song is how it’s possible even in the midst of bad things to see what great things we have. It’s about seeing the goodness of our lives no matter what. It’s a very realistic song. The singer admits that sometimes his life really just seems to suck and he compares it to what others have or what could/should have been. But then he looks around at the beauty of his own life and then he realizes all he has. I think this is something we can all relate to. I think just about everyone has those moments or days where we think our life is terrible or we feel ungrateful and uninspired and just want to curse it. But we can just take a breath and see all the greatness we are blessed with.

“I have days where I hate my job, this little town and the whole world too

Last Sunday when my Bengals lost, Lord, it put me in a bad mood

I have moments when I curse the rain

Then complain when the sun’s too hot

I look around at what everyone has

And I forget about all I’ve got

But I know I’m a lucky man”

Montgomery Gentry

For the last few days I haven’t been in the most grateful mood. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and felt myself being pulled into a whirlwind of negative and anxious thoughts.

But I forced myself to see the beauty all around me, to feel the beauty that can be tapped into at any given moment.

Last night I laid in my bed peering out the window feeling pissed and depressed not knowing of one specific reason. I wished I would see a star out the window like I sometimes do. I craved to be inspired by nature’s beauty. But the sky was complete blackness and that just disappointed me. Then sometime later, not sure if I drifted off to sleep or what or if I was just in a sleepy state but all of a sudden I was awake and peered out my window again and through the bare tree branches I saw not one, but TWO beautiful little sparkling stars peering back at me! I felt so amazed and so grateful. It was truly a beautiful experience! 😀

<3.

I truly am blessed to have a bedroom with a window that has a beautiful view of a tree which in warm weather has gorgeous green leaves some resembling hearts and sometimes I can even see stars through the spaces in the middle of the leaves and in the cold weather the branches are bare and I can see stars clearly. So lovely. ❤

I could have had a window seeing a brick wall or whatever but I get to see the beautiful nature’s wonder!

On Valentine’s Day I had it planned to post a self-love post to help people more easily bestow love upon themselves instead of just always lusting after romantic or other forms of external love. But I was somewhat depressed that day and extremely fatigued and I pretty much slept the day away! I wasn’t depressed for any one reason. I guess it was just my chronic disorder acting up. So I slacked on that post but will still definitely post it!

I am a lucky girl. So blessed, it’s true.

I have five beautiful senses. A body that functions perfectly for the most part. I have the stars in the sky above me. What more can I possibly ask for?! 😀

Here is a list of happy and inspirations for me right now!:

1.) I’m so happy the it’s going to be Spring soon! I cannot wait now! Spring to me is symbolic of new hope and new beginnings, new growth and beautiful fruition.

2.) Salted caramel, mocha iced lattes with whipped cream! Yum! 😀

3.) Morning Glory body spray that smells lovely in my hair and is NOT tested on animals! I think the company is Calgon (??). Or something! Lol. I buy this stuff every year and forget! :-p

4.) Philosophy books and readings I have recently come across! I love Philosophy!! ❤

5.) An attitude of gratitude itself is a reason to be thankful!

6.) My pain disorder has been inactive lately!

7.) Today I got to see my coworker’s smiling face unexpectedly and her baby nephew! So cute!! ❤

8.) Cute knick knacks!!

9.). Some inspirational websites I have recently come across!

10.) This quote: “We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.” ~ Tim McGraw

“And even my bad days ain’t that bad

Yeah, I’m a lucky man

I’m a lucky lucky man”

Montgomery Gentry

Look at the sun in my pic!! That’s what it really looked like that day! So big. So beautiful! So much inspiration!

❤

I hope everyone can take a moment to see the beauty all around us and stay strong even when you don’t feel much like it! Give more when you feel like giving up!! ❤

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Lucky-Man-lyrics-Montgomery-Gentry/E02E4AACE15633B048257218000D672A

X0xo Kim 🙂 😀 ❤

P.S. I want to thank all of my followers on here!! I am so honored that you like my blog enough to follow it! Every single one is a true blessing to me!! I couldn’t be happier if I had thousands upon thousands like some people do! 10, 30, 100, 1000, or just 1 makes me happy! I want to reach as many as I can but just touching one life positively is beautiful. <3. And thank you to all the people who like/”like” my content even if you don’t hit the “follow” button!! 🙂