Tag Archive | healing

Kidney donation surgery recovery update 💚

Jan31

Lady in red ♥️

Lady In Red – Avid All Stars

(this is my FB post earlier lol Now it’s evening, & I’m in bed! 😁

Yup, it’s a sleezy bra pic, judge away lol

Kidney donation surgery recovery update.

Matching bra & leggings! 😆 I was getting dressed one day recently and realized they match and look pretty so had to get a pic lol Can’t see them here but my incisions are kind of purply & gnarly 😆 I think I look hella good for just having my body sliced open and an organ removed 😁

I’m recovering so well!! I’m so thankful I’m having the perfect recovery. Not one complaint except the problem with my neck being messed up under anesthesia. Overall, my energy level these last weeks since surgery have been essentially the same as before surgery. Impressive! Haven’t had fatigue at all or any serious pain related to the surgery itself! My first night home after the hospital the incision & abdominal pain was nearly unbearable. Burning pain. It kept me up at night. Thankfully after that night into the morning, it subsided. Fatigue was my main concern about donating a kidney because I’m very active. I was much more concerned about prolonged fatigue than prolonged pain. But it hasn’t been an issue at all. I only sleep at night and walk for hours a day! The only “fatigue” (it’s not even really fatigue but is a feeling like I have to stop & rest for a sec, I just called it fatigue) I have had occasionally but haven’t lately is because of a neck issue I have that was triggered by the way I was positioned while under anesthesia. They said that could happen. It’s actually more like lightheaded than fatigue though. Other than that, I am just as energetic and would be just as active as ever (still have to watch the incisions and my insides). My first days home I did as much walking/traveling as before surgery. I think that was too much, too soon because after that I did not have the motivation for that much walking, still walked a good amount though each day without getting tired usually and had a great amount of energy in general. Once in a while when I’m out walking I get the urge to sit down, it’s a kind of lightheadedness, I think, not really tired. But it goes away in a minute or two and I can continue walking a long while. I never have to take naps, haven’t taken a nap since the hospital! Just sometimes had to lay down for a minute til the lightheaded feeling passes then back up. I can feel myself getting better with each day. Many kidney donors struggle with the gas that they pump into us. I haven’t had any issues with the gas at all. No bloating or pain or anything. Once in a while I have felt a sense of pressure in different places, nothing much. I was prepared to feel pain all in my shoulders and all, which they said hurts like a biatch lol I can bend and laugh and cough, no problem! I feel that I could be back to work fully, but I know I can’t because I know my insides are still healing, and I can develop a complication if I’m not careful.

I haven’t taken any pain meds since my first day home a couple weeks ago except once in a while Tylenol for the neck issue, though nothing works for that, not even prescription pain meds or the IV meds. My lower abdomen and bladder were completely numb except the C-section-like incision. They said numbness could happen and could be permanent or temporary. I did not mind it. The feeling is beginning to come back. It’s burning pain on occasion but only mild overall. No problem to me at all. Whenever I feel a bolt of pain through my abdomen, I smile and remember what I did for someone. I am honored.

I have also been having some moderate level heartburn (ouch!). I usually don’t have that. It may be something to do with them having to move my intestines around and the intestines having to go back in place on their own. After they move our intestines out of the way and take the kidney, they sew us up and leave the intestines, and other organs they pushed aside, to find their own way back. 😳 Lol Hopefully they remember where they belong 😂🤣

My appetite is not the same as before surgery, but that was expected. I don’t have as much of an appetite and usually cannot taste food as intensely as before the surgery. I have a very strong sense of taste which is currently diminished. I also cannot eat as much. This is very common after donating a kidney and can last weeks or months. I was expecting it, but I was expecting it to be even worse. I don’t mind it. For the first days after surgery, nearly all food and drinks were repulsive to me. I was only able to eat whatever food I was in the mood for, first it was Mexican food. Then saucy stuff like mozerella sticks with sauce and pizza fries and pizza. Each day my body told me the only kind of food it would tolerate. And it was nothing healthy 😂 I wasn’t going to argue with it though, it just gave up a kidney. It can have whatever junk it wants while recovering. I’m lucky I still did have some of an appetite right away. And I could only drink soda mostly, which I generally don’t drink because it’s not healthy. My body would only accept cola usually, which we are supposed to limit with only one kidney because it can damage the remaining kidney. It’s ironic that I rarely drink it anymore, now after donating a kidney when I should not have it much it’s all I been drinking (I can only take a few sips here & there though, not guzzling bottles & bottles). But it’s only temporary. Water (and water based drinks like iced tea) was so repulsive to me, and I love water (and iced tea)! I’m slowly beginning to be able to drink it more again. Still kind of icky but healthy, so I’m trying! Now I can eat any kind of food, just very limited portions. Also been drinking electrolyte drinks some days.

I love seeing how strong my body is and how it has this amazing ability to heal itself (and someone else!). 💚

I also have been doing very well with my mood. We can develop something similar to postpartum depression or anxiety or grieve for the “lost” kidney, sometimes to the point of needing therapy or grief counseling. But I have no problems at all! Just happy and thankful!! I made the best decision and will always be happy with that decision to save a life. 💚 My kidney has a great new home, no doubt.

I have a post op appointment soon to check my kidney function and incisions.

I would never know I just donated a kidney just over two weeks ago!

Donating a kidney is easy peasy, I totally recommend it! 😁 (I’m just saying that playfully, some people have a much more difficult recovery or even serious complications, so not something to take lightly. I have compassion for people who have a difficult recovery. I just got lucky 💚)

Now I’m off to go get a caramel iced latte and go for a long walk around the city taking in all the lovely views (I never get tired of the same streets & buildings day after day, year after year lol You would think I’m a tourist in my own city). This is the life. 😁😍

#livingkidneydonor 🫘😁

💚🫘

I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💚

XOXO Kim ♥️💋😘

Elevator phobe 🖤 {heads up:⚠️ there’s a picture of my cut finger in this post}

Mar12
Content warning ⚠️: phobia

Click link to watch video if desired- it will show up

This video f’d me up lol Most horrifying thing I have seen. I literally felt like the very very beginning of a panic att*ck coming on, had to take some deep breaths lol 😆 Felt like my chest caving in

A man got stuck in n elevator at like the 39th floor in the middle of the night on a Friday and wasn’t found til Sunday.

I thought this was going to trigger a relapse in me just hearing that true story 😂

Also, I was where this girl was at one point. She runs up and down 17 flights of stairs to avoid elevators. I totally understand. I did that for years, even running up/down twenty floors. But I overcame it with exposure therapy some years ago. I’m so glad. That fear was crippling.

I got cut yesterday on a doorknob in an apartment building I visit for work. My claustrophobia was acting up (I struggled with debilitating claustrophobia for as long as I can remember, conquered it with exposure therapy a few years ago, it’s generally dormant, but every once in a while, I have a minor flare (this is different than a relapse which happened once), particularly if I’m dehydrated {I’m very physically active seven days a week and can get dehydrated easily, though I’m working on this – dehydration in me can trigger anxiety physical feelings, racing heart, anxious feelings, jitters…that aren’t about any specific thing, and that general anxiety can latch onto a certain thing or thought, and sometimes manifests as my claustrophobia even though it’s not originally that, yeah it’s weird lol If I have an anxious feeling for no reason just like if I have a depressed feeling not about anything in particular, it can search for something to latch onto and become about that then get carried away with it}).

I wasn’t going to go into a panic or anything but could tell I would be a bit anxious on an elevator. I just wasn’t up for it. Even on my best days having to get into an elevator takes a little bit of emotional energy out of me. It’s not destructive to my mental health because it doesn’t happen often enough and is only a little bit. I have no problem at all in general getting into elevators. But usually I do have to psych myself up for getting into one. If I’m tired (which isn’t often) or just not in a very good mood, it may be better for me to avoid elevators if possible (not always possible as I frequently have to get into them for work, and not all buildings have stair access going up or some are on like the 40th or 60th floor, I’m very physically fit but don’t think even I can run up 40 floors 😆) because I can’t give it my all like when I’m my best self. This just takes emotional energy I may not have that moment and makes me more susceptible to relapse. My claustrophobia will likely never be cured, just dormant. But that’s no problem at all, it’s enough for me to be able to function well. It used to be crippling.

Because my claustrophobia was flaring, I decided to take the stairs. I stepped through the door leading to the stairs, and it closed (I remember hoping it did not lock). I looked around, and there were no stairs to be seen, just a room with a bunch of closed doors. My first thought was uh oh, what if they’re all locked, but I did not actually believe it, thought it was just my claustrophobia talking. But sure enough. None of them would open. So I reached for the handle to open the door I just came through, and the handle broke off. I frantically grabbed the broken part still on the door and pulled. It stayed closed and sliced my hand in multiple places, especially the finger here. I tried putting the handle back on and pulling it open, but it came off again. So there I was locked in a room, the room I decided to go in to get to the stairs because my claustrophobia was acting up, and I wasn’t exactly in the headspace for being enclosed somewhere. Isn’t it ironic? Lol And my phone was almost drained.

I did not go into a panic even though I was locked in. I still remained calm and decided to try the doors again thinking if I can’t get out, I’ll just call someone and explain. I got one open that led to the stairs. To come back down, I had to get into the elevator anyway because the stairs would just lead right back to that room lol

These are my FB posts earlier. Just sharing here lol I had a battle with this building again this morning 😹

Sending love & hugs to all who want it!

Xoxo Kim ❤️

Covet ❤️ {a poem I wrote}

Feb1
Recent pic of me 🖤

This is a poem I wrote around ten years ago. I recently edited it, kept it mostly the same. I decided to add a few creative lines and kept all the old ones. It’s inspired by my true experience. It’s called “Covet.” I have always loved poetic writings to read and write, particularly dark poetry. I’m not generally dark, just like when that aspect of life is expressed through artistic things. Most of my writings have been lost when phones crashed that I had it saved on, but fortunately some I still have, and this is one of the surviving ones. It was devastating losing everything. I fell into a month long depression when one of my phones broke years ago that I used for writing(similar thing happened recently too). I don’t write very frequently, just once in a while when inspiration hits.

I like this poem of mine. Every now & again, I open it and read it. It’s my favorite one of mine. And it makes so much sense to me, taking me back to my long ago, stirring up memories and emotions. I did not follow any writing/poetry rules or whatever. Just let the writing, imagery, symbolism, emotion… flow, inspired by my real life experience. I generally don’t explain any of my poetic writing for the most part. I just leave interpretation up to anyone who may read and leave a bit of mystery.

🖤

Also, not trying to be shady. Lol There is just one line in this poem of mine that is inspired by or more accurately stolen (but inspired sounds better 🤣) out of a popular song. Yeah, I knocked off the Cars (at least I’m honest 😆). But the rest is all mine. 😆

Covet

I see you every night
Somewhere in the dark,
Distant places in my mind
Lost in the crevices
Of my brain,
The dusty recesses
That are rarely touched
By anything else
Your beauty defying all reason
Like flowers blooming
Through concrete
In the dead of winter

The pain in your eyes
Reflects in my own glare
Swirling
Like a whirlwind
Of deep colors
Clashing in a
Midnight sky
And I want to run to you

But I am not yours

There are so many things
I want to say to you
That I can never say
Secrets to abandon
In the thrill of your touch
Cast off
Into the warmth of your smile

But I am not yours

I reach out for you
But you don’t reach back
And I loathe you
Because you are not mine
But I love you just the same

Every mistake you have ever made
Every flaw you torment yourself with
The crinkles around your eyes
The laughlines on your face
Only intensify my sense of awe
When I think of you

Your beauty deepens
With each passing second
As mine fades
Into the nothingness
Of my world
And I am jealous

I want to tell you
That you are the girl
Who keeps me up at night
The one who beckons me
Unknowingly
To the edge
Of some madness
Too vast,
Too dark
To explore
The one who lifts me
To the greatest pinnacle
Of joy and love and hope
The one who drops me
As I plummet
To the lowest depths
Of my despair

My heart pounding
As my mind races
With all the things
That would be so
Perfect
But will never be

I imagine us together
Strolling around the city streets
Late at night
The cobblestone, the abandoned alleyways, the closed cafes, the buildings catching our eyes
As we run and laugh
Under the stars
And the street lights
And our fingers lace
Together
So perfectly
Together
Like delicate veins
Linked together
Into an indigo tapestry
Wriggling like worms
In mud
After a heavy rainshower
Giving life
Where there
Was once
Nothing

Finding each other
In the midst of
Some confused, dark eternity
That spans
Across galaxies
And worlds
Time and space
We’ll never know
Where everything else falls to ruin
But we stand whole
Together, we are whole

And I see you now
In that cold place
Where I dwell
Always, where I dwell
Where small, jagged pieces
of your reality
Collide with my fantasy
And dissolve

My stiletto heels
Tapping up the dimly lit hallway
To your bedroom
As the floorboards creek
In the middle of the night
Echoing
Through the gentle night air
That flows in
Through your opened window
As the curtains blow
Softly
To the rhythm of the night

Like a lost voyeur I stand
Watching
Lingering,
Like a ghost in the
Night
I drift
Standing
in your doorway
Unseen
Unheard
Unknown

I see you
In your bed
Under a gentle, dim
Flickering
Fluorescent light
That catches in
Your eyes
As they scan the
Room
Searching
Searching
For something
That will never be found

You glance my way
But your eyes don’t meet mine
They see past me, through me
As if I weren’t there
As if I were specter in the night
Blending in with the shadows
That linger in the corners of the room,
And in the darkest parts of your mind
Where very little light finds its way in

Your eyes rest on an old faded photograph
On your dresser
A remnant of a long ago
That now only lives
In a place in your mind
Reserved for memories
That ache and weep
To be brought back to life
But cannot be
Snippets of moments
That weren’t tainted
By the darkness of today
And I watch you smile
A somber, gentle smile
That doesn’t reach your eyes

And I want to reach back
Reach through the darkness
And gather all those moments
Into my arms
Those moments where only
Innocence was known
Only light
Only love
Piece them back together
Into a collage to be held
And felt all over again
Something tangible
To be tenderly cradled in your arms
Mold them into kaleidoscopic dreams
Splashing color
All over a world
That is only black
Wrap them up in a bow
And hand them to you
As my gift
But it can never be

The soft scent of longing
Reaches my nose
Tickling my skin
With the urge to
Sneeze
I hold back
For fear of
Being exposed
And disintegrating
Into the blackness of
Night
Where I’ll never find
My way back to you

Satin sheets
Cool
Beneath
Your bare, flawless flesh
As I take you into
My tender, loving embrace
And wonder if you can feel my
Touch
My invisible arms around your
Body
My long hair as it softly flows
Around you
As your own wavy chestnut hair
Falls
To your shoulders
Like waterfalls
At night
Cascading over
Glistening mountainsides
Threatening to crumble
Beneath the heaviness
Of my yearning
My pastel pink polished
Fingernails
Tenderly running
Through the locks
Of your hair
As if to calm the storm
That rages within

I watch you reach up
And softly brush
your fingers
across the translucent red lipsticked kiss
I leave on your cheek
A hint of confusion
In your eyes,
A faint flicker of fleeting recognition
An almost knowing look
As your fingertips
linger, lightly, on your cheek

And I feel you shudder
As
Your wineglass
Suddenly
Falls to the floor,
The rim, streaked
With your pink lipstick
Rose wine
Spilling
Onto the white
Carpet
Like the atmosphere
Itself
Bleeding into the night
Sounding like
A constellation of stars
Shattering
Into a million
Little pieces
As you unknowingly pull
out of my arms
To reach for the glass
And that ache in me
Exacerbates
With each
Breath you take

I can feel you
In your soft tears
In your loneliness
That I long to heal
Those thick layers
I try to peel back
To set you free

As you journey through
Those endless black tunnels
That you think you travel alone
But I am always with you
And I want to run to you

But I am not yours

I am not yours

And never will be

But in life and in death
I will forever be marked by you

🖤

Here is my story that inspired this poem:

The Agony & The Ecstasy

Wishing love & light wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim ❤️ 💋😘

Elevator fear 🖤 {another dream}

Dec6
This is an image I created using AI 🖤 I made it to represent my elevator fear and dreams

Content warning ⚠️: claustrophobia, brief mention of s*icidal ideation and self injury, but the self injury isn’t in a “depressed kind of way,” but a result of panic

This post was meant for yesterday!

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life 🖤

I’m going to share my nightmare while I was asleep but first will give it context by explaining my claustrophobia.

I shared here before about my lifelong struggle with debilitating Claustrophobia, actual diagnosed Claustrophobia, particularly fear of elevators. I have struggled with it since I was a little girl for an unknown reason. I used to run up 20 floors just to avoid getting into elevators, but in some buildings stairs going up are blocked off. Just walking by an elevator or having to go into a building knowing they’re in there, would be enough to experience intense fear. Sometimes being in an elevator I would go into such a panic, I would claw myself up with my fingernails until my skin bled, just out of a sense of not knowing what to do.

When I was young, I mostly could avoid elevators so it wasn’t as much a problem except on school trips and visiting people in hospitals. That was challenging. Also as a college girl, sometimes I had to get into elevators to get to class. I was embarrassed and insecure about my claustrophobia as a young girl. I did not know it’s a disorder or a defined thing. I thought it meant I’m wimpy. I was impressed when other kids could get into elevators and not be scared. I thought they were braver than me. I now know this isn’t true. Claustrophobia is an anxiety disorder and doesn’t mean someone is weak or not brave. As a girl, I used to daydream that I got into elevators with no fear, and I longed to be this brave for real.

I am one of the phobia sufferers who would often face my fear and get into an elevator anyway and just suffer. I wouldn’t have a positive mindset about it. Many phobia sufferers cannot face the fear and will always avoid the source at all costs. It’s a cruel irony, as I have said before, to have to come face to face with the very thing we fear most, to get over it.

I “cured” it myself after trying out professional exposure therapy and seeing it just wasn’t needed for me; I could handle it on my own. I did use the exposure technique but on my own without the help of a therapist any longer. My claustrophobia was so severe and crippling, it would trigger s*icidal episodes. It’s a very powerful breathtaking fear. It’s so powerful, it inspires awe in me to get to experience something so profound. It’s one of the most intense feelings there is, and not everyone gets to experience something so powerful in that way. I don’t like it, but still intrigued by it and thankful for the experience. It reminds me of love even though it’s not pleasant, the intensity of it can be the same, like so strong, it could move mountains.

It got better, but then I suffered a relapse at the end of 2017 after making the mistake of watching the numbers and waiting for the doors to open. It seemed to take a fraction of a second too long, which made me crumble in terror. This is when I began the exposure therapy. When I first got better, it was after getting used to getting into elevators with a dog. Then eventually I could alone. For a while, I would imagine the dog in there with me even when she wasn’t. That helped. I did not have to get into elevators as much anymore so got unaccustomed to it after the relapse. Then I had to again and could not handle it. So I began organized exposure therapy and meditation. The Philadelphia Eagles won the Superbowl in 2018. Their motto leading up to it was Let us prey. I adopted this saying and attitude as my mantra and way of coping with my Claustrophobia. I chose to prey upon the fear instead of allowing the fear to prey upon me.

I’m not cured. I still have it. It’s just dormant. I can still always feel it beneath my surface and know that it can come back. It’s slightly threatening. I know it’s here possibly waiting to be unleashed. This is true even when I’m calm as can be closed inside an elevator. Sometimes this knowing is more intellectual, and other occasions it’s more a feeling with body and emotion. I don’t mind this. I just peacefully coexist with it. I have to keep getting into elevators to keep myself used to it. If I ever stop, it will come back. Some days just for no particular reason, I feel a flare up and avoid them if I can because I know not to push myself; that isn’t the same as having an active phobia and avoiding them when I have to encounter them to get better. But that’s seldom. Also, if I’m anxious about something else or am dehydrated (dehydration gives me anxiety in a physiological way, not anxious thoughts, but just a feeling of anxiety and physical symptoms), my claustrophobia will flare, not a full on relapse, just a flare. The anxiety of dehydration will latch onto thoughts about being stuck in an elevator and manifest as claustrophobia.

My claustrophobia was always present even being inside an elevator with people. But eventually I stopped being afraid as long as people were inside with me or a dog was. The thought of being trapped inside with a dog or other human stopped terrifying me, just being alone did. Even now, I wouldn’t be afraid or only slightly if an elevator wouldn’t open with a dog and me or another human and me. Before, that would have still sent me off the deep end. Even if it locked with just me now, I can handle it, I think, as long as I don’t have a relapse.

Since I was a little girl into adulthood, I have been plagued by recurring nightmares of being stuck in an elevator. In my dreams it’s an old familiar fear, as if I have been stuck in one before, like a knowing feeling, an intimate knowing, like oh this again. This again. Each dream brought with it the same old feeling, like an underlying thread connecting all the dreams together even spanning over years, decades. Like in each dream it was as if I remembered all the dreams before it, not necessarily consciously remembered, but knew on some level that this keeps happening, but in the dreams, it felt more like they were reality than a dream. Almost like I’m stuck in another world where I am sentenced to getting stuck in elevators again and again and again. Like Groundhog day lol Sometimes I would have multiple elevator dreams in one night. The dreams all start out like regular life, I’m going about my day then must get into an elevator then It happens. My worst nightmare.

This again.

It happens in all different ways, but it’s all the feeling of absolute dread where I just know. I know I am not getting out of here.

I stopped having them for so long.

Until last night.

No idea why, but last night, I had another elevator nightmare. I can’t remember when I last had one. I’m not anxious, and my claustrophobia isn’t relapsing.

But last night I had a dream that I was about to get into an elevator. There was a friendly, smiling petite woman already inside holding the doors for me. I remember her so vividly. She was pale skinned and around my age, maybe a bit older, around as tall as me, maybe slightly shorter, and she was slightly thinner than me. She had what may be called strawberry blonde hair, mouth length. She was wearing a navy blue and white striped long sleeved shirt. The stripes were thin. I don’t remember her pants. She wasn’t physically beautiful but not ugly, but she was beautiful on the inside. What some may call mousy or plain in appearance, but she had a cuteness about her, a humble prettiness. She was very sweet and friendly with a gentle air about her.

We both happened to be going to the 14th floor in whatever building it was. I have no idea why we were there. She was delighted and pushed the button for us both. She had a compassionate, warm, welcoming personality, like she never met a stranger, like she may have been open to developing a friendship or at least an acquaintanceship with me, just in that mundane encounter where most wouldn’t even give each other so much as a glance. It was like when she looked at me, she saw me. Not the way strangers around look up and quickly look away. It wasn’t her words that allowed me to know her nature, but her body language, her facial expressions, her energy, her actions, her smile. I remember her warm energy.

We got to the 14th floor, and the elevator sped past and went to the 17th floor and stopped and wouldn’t open. When it went past the 14th, we both knew. We knew It was happening.

It.

It with a capital “I.”

I’m covered in head to toe chills just writing this. The fear and the knowing in the dream were not normal. We were doomed and knew it in a way that people in reality wouldn’t know it. It’s a kind of knowing, a kind of knowing fear that only exists in dreams or nightmares. Sure, real people who are rational may be anxious but wouldn’t already be in despair and *know* they will be stuck forever or die. We did know, and we were in despair. Real people would be thinking like let’s see how to get this fixed or hopefully this opens or what is going on or thinking we have to call for help or wait for someone to let us out…we had no hope and did not have to wonder, we were doomed. There was no one coming to let us out. And we knew. We knew the very split second that elevator sped past floor 14. The woman gasped and said something I can’t remember, and I stood there paralyzed in that old familiar intimate crippling panic. It was happening again. IT.

The elevator just froze there at the 17th floor. I was panicked that we were stuck. Then I suddenly realized we had a bigger problem than just being stuck. I realized being stuck at floor 17 means being stuck in the air, that high up. Just hanging in midair. I imagined it dropping and us falling to our deaths. Suddenly, as if to hear my thoughts and wanting to taunt, it began to go down very quickly. I wasn’t sure if we were dropping to our deaths or it would land safely, but I knew either way, we weren’t getting out of there, and so did she. Suddenly it began dropping faster and making loud noises and lighting up, then it began going back up and then down then back up, the flashing lights getting more and more intense. All the numbers were lighting up. The whole situation felt aggressive, like the elevator was consciously attacking us. Like it was out to get us.

The woman was screaming and had her head down, covering it with her arms in a defensive stance, as if to protect herself against whatever blows were to be coming to her. I wasn’t screaming or doing anything (typical of me in reality also), but my fear very much matched hers. The top of the elevator began to open up, and we both eagerly looked up to see if maybe, just maybe, there was a way to climb up and get out. There wasn’t. We saw something, I can’t remember what, that we both knew meant it was a hopeless situation for us. We looked at each other, her face contorted into a mask of horror and despair and a desperate pleading look. The crashing noises got louder, the lights more flashy, the elevator began to close in on us as we both got into the self defensive position and moved closer to each other, then clinging to each other knowing our end was very near.

Then I woke up.

And that’s that. lol

First thing this morning, I had to get on an elevator by myself for work. And I remembered this dream as the doors were closing on me. So that was fun. lol 😆

I have been having very vivid dreams lately. I always have but not as much as years ago when I was young, and I don’t remember them as much as I used to. But recently I have been having very detailed dreams that I remember. I generally don’t have unpleasant dreams.

I love that my mind made this character up and brought her to life so vividly. She wasn’t anyone I ever knew for real. I’m not sure how true it is, but I read before that our brain doesn’t make up faces, that if we dream a face very clearly, like my situation here, it means we necessarily saw that face before in real life, maybe even decades ago. It may not have been that person in our dream, just their face. So like this woman’s face could have been my 5th grade teacher’s (in fact thinking back, I think they did have a similar face, build, hair style…and she was warm, sweet, friendly, and around that age maybe lol) even if she wasn’t that person/my teacher in my dream. It was so creative of me lol 😂

This is probably strange, but I kind of feel sorry for her. She was so real, and whatever happened to us, I got to wake up, but it was her ending. Not that it was real. But there is a lingering feeling that I got to be the lucky one who escaped because I get to be the real one, flesh and blood, who gets to wake up and continue being. Also, there was a hint of guilt because it’s my brain that created that world and that dire situation for that character. lol I should probably stop now before I sound batsh!t. 😂

Anyone want to share an interesting dream experience/recurring dream/insight on dreams or anything, go ahead! Or even just your most recent dream you can remember, if there’s one. I would love to read! Dreams are so interesting! I’m especially interested in how, like I said, these dreams are like all linked with an underlying thread and how in dream world, we can know things in a way we wouldn’t in reality. Like we just knew we weren’t getting out of that elevator, not in a negative thinking kind of way but true knowing. In reality if the elevator sped past the 14th floor, most people’s initial reaction would probably be confusion. Like WTF or what’s going on. Our initial reaction was knowing. Then panic.

I don’t mind these dreams/nightmares. They are not pleasant but are fascinating. I am more intrigued than disturbed.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! And sweet dreams tonight lol 😆

Xoxo Kim ❣️

Clowns 🤡

Feb28

Clowns 🤡 – Too Much Joy – song

“I have nightmares filled with clowns and you’re there too

You have a big red nose and stupid floppy shoes

You’re becoming one I can see the signs” 🤡

Trigger Warning ⚠️: Phobias mentioned here

Fun fact: Last night, I had a dream about coulrophobia. So I decided to turn myself into a clown. Lol

In the dream, I was watching a movie about a young man with coulrophobia(fear of clowns). I don’t remember what his job was in my dream but whatever it was, his coulrophobia was interfering with his quality of work. For something to do with his job, he had to see a clown 🤡 or something if I remember correctly. His job was not actually about clowns though. It was something he usually did not have to encounter but it just happened that he had to cross paths with a clown now at work, just a coincidence. Maybe he had to visit someone’s house for work where they had a clown figure or photo? I don’t really remember much about that but whatever it was, his quality of work was greatly suffering and his boss was angry. He ordered him to be treated with exposure therapy, a form of treatment often used to treat phobias. The young man was having emotional difficulty with the exposure. He had to walk alone into a dark room in an old warehouse or factory or something like that, at night, full of life sized clown mannequins so he can get used to them and no longer be afraid. He couldn’t handle it.

In the movie in my head, his boss called him and was angrily telling him to get his shit together and stop acting like a coward and get on with it because he had work to get done. He was tired of his “nonsense.” I can still hear his voice dripping with arrogance, disdain, indifference to someone else’s suffering.

The movie in my dream was about how people who were murderers, dressed as clowns just like the clown mannequins used for his exposure, and creeped into the building and stood in the room next to the fake ones so they could eventually jump out at him during his exposure treatment. Lol It wasn’t part of the therapy and his boss wasn’t in on it. They were just psychos who somehow knew about it. They were strangers.

In my dream, I somehow got into the movie. Like it somehow turned real. But this wasn’t strange in my dream like it would have been for real. Like in reality we would be amazed, shocked, or confused if we somehow got into a movie or a movie turned real. But in my dream it was just a casual thing. The movie was all of a sudden not a movie and was real life and I was in it. I was walking into the dark room with the clowns. I knew the killers were in there since I just was watching the movie and wasn’t sure if they would lunge for me or not. But I had something to do in that room. I don’t remember what or even if I knew in the dream but I wasn’t sure if I should keep going and fulfill my obligation or turn around and leave since the killers were in there. The young man wasn’t there and I knew he would be coming soon. I think whatever I had to do was for my own job. This is realistic of me to still consider doing something that needs to be done even if it may be dangerous to me. I work with dogs and sometimes they can be aggressive. There are occasions I still considered interacting with them even when they clearly wanted to rip me to shreds. Lol And occasions I had to still feed and give them water while they were coming at me because a dog has to eat. Lol So this part of my dream makes perfect sense.

I wasn’t scared in the dream but a bit anxious and my body was tense like it was deciding it maybe should run. Then I saw some of the clowns moving and a vague thought crossed my mind like is this real or is it part of a movie I was just watching. It was like reality (the dream’s reality) and the movie blended.

So I wasn’t sure what would happen. Are they going to get me or ignore me? I had a feeling like they weren’t going to try to kill me. This is how I am for real in general, very trusting and always expecting the least bad thing to happen. I generally have this feeling like everything will work out well. I am not very anxious. I have suffered a couple bouts with anxiety but am generally not someone who is anxious. So I wasn’t extremely concerned for myself.

This feeling like this is real but also not is difficult to explain but in the dream it made sense. It was like a blend of something. Like sort of real, sort of not. I think this is common in dreams.

I think I decided not to walk into the room just in case the clowns tried to kill me. Better safe than sorry. Lol I remember walking away with this feeling of being very safe.

Then I woke up. Lol Intrigued by the dream. I don’t know what provoked that vivid and detailed dream or if there is really a movie like this but if there is one, I haven’t seen it. My head just made it up.

I had exposure therapy myself in reality, a few years ago, for debilitating claustrophobia. It began as professional treatment but I quit and handled it on my own, continuing exposure on my own terms. My claustrophobia was interfering with life because I have to get on elevators for work. There is no option sometimes to use the stairs and my claustrophobia was taking over everyday even when I did not have to get on elevators that day because I knew I would soon have to get inside them. In my dream, I sort of remembered my real life exposure therapy and how it was absolutely frightening at first and I experienced empathy and compassion for the young man. It’s like cruelty, irony, the thing we fear most in life is the very thing we must come face to face with alone, to get better.

I used to avoid elevators at all costs. I used to run up 20 or more things of stairs just to avoid them. This wasn’t a problem because I am very healthy and fit and energetic, always have been. But in college I had to get to buildings early to be able to run up 20 or more floors without being late for classes.

Sometimes that isn’t an option and stairs are blocked off. Some years ago, my claustrophobia triggered suicidal depression in me to the point I couldn’t even hold my toothbrush to brush my teeth in the mornings. I couldn’t handle knowing on any random day I may have to go into an elevator and that triggered a depressive episode that became no longer about that; the depression took on a life of its own. So I was struggling with a severe depressive episode on top of a bad, bad case of claustrophobia.

I grew up claustrophobic for an unknown reason. I have been for as long as I can remember, mostly about elevators. But it was rarely a problem because I rarely had any reason to have to get into them. So it may not have been able to be diagnosed as claustrophobia back then. Sometimes I had to avoid visiting people in hospitals because I couldn’t get into an elevator to the hospital room. On the occasions I did force myself, I would have some psychiatric breakdown. I have collapsed in crippling panic and have embarrassed family in front of strangers at the mere thought of getting into an elevator. Now I think it’s hilarious, especially embarrassing my mom and dad. One day when I was little we were all on a glass elevator with a stranger and I began to panic. I screamed at the top of my lungs and began kicking and flailing my arms and yelling let me out, let me out, let me out….just to go up two floors. The stranger turned and just stared in shock. My mom and dad were so embarrassed. ” My mom yelled, “Kim, you did NOT have to act like that!!!” It gives me a good belly laugh now when I remember it. 🤣😂😭😄😹 I remember my body flooded with sweet relief when that door opened.

All these years later, if I wanted to keep my job, I had to get over it. And I did. Years of claustrophobia gone in just a few weeks of simple regular exposure. Exposure works wonders, at least for me. It made me realize how something so powerful and debilitating is actually very, very weak.

Whenever I had to step into an elevator, it felt like I was going to die. My mouth dried up and always tasted like metal, like literally tasting fear. My entire body felt squeezed in the chokehold of death. The fear is so powerful it feels like I would *literally* go insane, like lose all sense of language and awareness and bodily movements. I felt like I could claw out my own eyes and claw off my own skin. And one day I actually did claw my own skin off when I was in an elevator alone as a teenager. There was no way out of the building unless I got into an elevator. I went into a panic and just mindlessly began ripping my skin off with my fingernails. Everything turned white like this blinding light around my head. I couldn’t see or think. All I could do was claw at my own body, my arms and ab, all bleeding when I finally stepped out of the elevator.

Welcome to my nightmare. 🖤

(almost had a cow when I saw this a couple years ago 😳 🤣 Just sitting there, doors wide open as if to tempt me; it felt like it was watching me, daring me. Lol It’s an old out of service elevator in a building I visit for work. It hasn’t been in use for some years and is in a strange place, not near the rest of the elevators and looks all old and dingy while the rest are newer looking and its doors are ALWAYS closed. But one day, I walk by and the doors are open! Holy guacamole! My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Luckily my claustrophobia was already healed by then but this thing made it want to come back 🤣😭😹 Some things you just can’t unsee)

It has always felt like an eternity before the doors opened again and a sense of deep, deep dread and despair & regret as I watched them close on me.

It’s a kind of fear that knocks the wind out of me and takes my whole breath away. I have been in awe at how powerful it is.

I had a relapse once after mostly recovering when it seemed like an elevator door took a second too long to open, when I was inside by myself. It came back with a vengeance. It was way worse than before. I got mostly rid of the claustrophobia on my own by getting into elevators with dogs and found it healing. Then it came back then the regular exposure on my own helped significantly.

Now even if a door seems to take longer to open, I don’t have breakdowns or relapses. I get into elevators everyday by myself with no problems at all and find them very peaceful. Like a very brief reprieve where the outside world and all its problems and noise and stress and drama can’t touch me.

I love how a place that once felt so dark and cold and deadly is now a place of warmth and security like being wrapped in a cozy blanket.

There are some random occasions, I am a bit anxious with elevators and avoid them or sometimes suck it up and get into them anyway. But it’s not frequent. And not severe. I know if I am already anxious about something else, something unrelated, and have to get into an elevator, it sometimes triggers the claustrophobia but it goes away again. I believe if I ever stop getting into elevators for a long while then I do again, the claustrophobia may come back. I have experienced this already. So I try to get into them as much as possible to keep it away. It’s a lifelong condition that has to be controlled with regular exposure or I will go insane with fear again.

I don’t know what is up with this dream. Lol But it reminds me a bit of my own real experience. Even the old, dark warehouse where the clowns were. My work office used to be in one. Lol

I am not afraid of clowns and never have been. This wasn’t a scary dream at all. It wasn’t a nightmare even though it may seem like it. I don’t usually have dark or scary dreams. They’re usually positive, happy, or mundane. Though I have been plagued off and on, for as long as I can remember, by nightmares about being inside elevators and being stuck in them, sometimes with people, usually alone. Or sometimes terrifying dreams knowing I will soon be getting into an elevator. Sometimes I wake myself up before it happens or I force myself awake after I get into one if I can. I still have them on rare occasions but almost never since the claustrophobia went away. They are horrifying dreams and just dreadful. I had them since I was little even when I did not have to get into elevators and haven’t been recently in one. My brain just obsessed with them for some reason. I don’t ever remember any unpleasant experience with elevators that made this happen, just grew up with it. My earliest memories are terror when near an elevator. Couldn’t even bring myself to look at them walking by. I used to curse whoever invented them. I felt like that person destroyed my life sometimes.

This dream is bizarre for me because I don’t usually have them like this and it seems a bit creative. I’m not someone who is a creative writer or anything. So I don’t know why my head made this up.

Very recently, like just over one week ago, I saw the word “heliophobia” and looked it up to see what it is(a fear of the sun or bright light) and while scrolling, the word “coulrophobia” showed up. I think this is what inspired the dream but don’t know why just seeing that word and a pic of a clown holding balloons would inspire a whole story in my head while I sleep. Lol It’s heliophobia I was was interested in, not the clown one.

And the dream was very, very vivid. I remember the clowns and their faces and their pastel colored pj’s and balloons.🎈 And I remember the young man very clearly but don’t remember ever seeing him for real in person. I read before that all faces we see in dreams are real faces we saw at one point in life, even if years ago. It doesn’t mean in the dream they were who they are in reality, just that the face is real. I don’t know if it’s true.

Horror movies are my guilty pleasure, which I think also contributed to the dream, and I think this would be a good movie! 😍

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are!

Xoxo Kim 💜

Healing Anxiety Activity🖤

Jun30

This is an Instagram post of mine I’m sharing here!

This is not a good picture but it’s the concept I’m sharing. Five years ago, I lost my close friend, who was my coworker, unexpectedly, to a heart attack or sudden cardiac arrest, whatever the correct term is. Anyway, her heart just stopped out of nowhere and she collapsed to the floor and died. It wrecked & traumatized my whole world. I developed anxiety that I never had before. Not a fullblown condition but I would have sudden, insense anxiety/fear, out of the blue. Very difficult to endure. Not panic attacks but still a sense of panic. It was not interfering with life in general but definitely with my sleep and peace of mind. Not anxious thoughts usually, but anxious sensations. Bolts of fear surging through me and gripped in panic along with a couple anxious thoughts sometimes. Through the years those anxiety episodes have lessened but I still experience them. They are no longer about Diane’s death, exactly, but still rooted in that. Recently, I experienced a tragic pet loss and because of the circumstances, that fear has been coming back more again, in waves, and interfering with my sleep. My heart pounds when I’m laying as if I was running a marathon. And my insides are like in turmoil. It’s all day but worse at night. The way I see anxiety in my head is like small, sharp, gray/silver balls of activity wreaking havoc on my insides. Sometimes I imagine the balls of anxiety and visualize white or golden light around them, absorbing them into it until they are gone and only light remains. I decided to draw a picture of my imagination. I don’t draw or anything and not creative but decided to give it a try. I drew the balls in pencil then erased them til they became lighter, as if to lose much of their power, then colored them in yellow. I also wrote the word anxiety at the top and erased it then wrote inner peace over it. I colored around the paper in purple because purple/lavendar is soothing to look at and lavendar scent can have a calming effect. The pencil isn’t scented though. This is symbolic of healing anxiety. 💜💛 It’s a fun and soothing activity!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! It’s Morning here in Philadelphia, Pa, USA! 💛

xoxo Kim

Dream.❤

May12

“I had a dream; I had an awesome dream
People in the park playing games in the dark
And what they played was a masquerade
And from behind the walls of doubt a voice was crying out
Say you, say me
Say it for always
That’s the way it should be
Say you, say me, say it together
Naturally”❤

Say You, Say Me – Lionel Richie

May 11th, 2018

I had a dream last night while I slept. We were all running through a park, late at night, in the darkness, playing, all adults. It was almost like a game of hiding seek or a game of tag. It was beautiful and comforting in some way but there was a kind of loneliness & longing throughout. We were all running after each other, trying to find and catch each other and most of us were strangers to each other. There was a sense of child-like joy and we were laughing. It was hard to see in the dark and there were so many people. There was one person I really wanted to find. More than anyone else, she’s the one. I knew she was there but couldnt find her. I ran through the darkness and the crowds of people, my sense of longing increasing with every step. Stumbling through the dark, reaching for her, finally, I found her. We came face to face and she embraced me. Not in a physical hug but in warm, welcoming, loving energy and a beautiful smile. She welcomed me completely. She accepted me and was happy to see me. My whole being was overcome in awe of her beauty. I lost her again. In all the darkness and strangers and trees and paths. Again, I ran to find her. It was like running through a maze of people and trees and darkness. Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of her but couldnt reach and every now and again, we would come face to face. She would always welcome me. It was always beautiful and always brief. Then I would lose her again. I felt her near but just couldnt reach her. But on those occasions I did, there was so much love, so much joy, so much beauty before the darkness and crowds and trees took her away again. And somehow it was enough even though it wasnt. Those brief moments we encountered and embraced were so full of love that they are enough. Even with the pain, theres so much love. Even with longing and sadness and loneliness, there can still be joy and laughter and gratitude. I woke up this morning with a greater sense of love than longing. I woke up in awe. And this song played in my head.

I love dreams & especially ones that seem to have a deep purpose. This dream was two nights ago and soon I may post about one I had last night, another very healing one.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim ❤

Help Me to Heal {a healing activity}

Mar21

20160211141609

“Breathe it out and breathe it in
Trust the light that shines within
Let it burn ’til you learn to love yourself
Breathe it out and breathe it in
Trust the light that shines within
Let it burn ’til you learn to love yourself
Love will lead you home…
Love will lead you home…
Love will lead you home…” ~ Olivia Newton John ❤

A few years ago I came across a blog, I don’t remember the blog now but wish I had the link still or remember the name. It’s an art journaling blog on blogger.com, I think, and the lady suggested an activity to help heal any emotional pain we may have about certain incidents or situations in life.

I may have shared it before on here but I don’t remember. 

If so, it’s ok, it won’t hurt to share it again! 

The activity is to take an index card and a pencil and very lightly, in almost imperceptible strokes of the pencil, write on the index card every painful emotion we have surrounding whatever incident or struggle we choose. Make sure the words are incredibly light, almost unseen. Or write the words regularly then lightly erase them but still leave a vestige of what was. This, I suspect, is to symbolically lessen their power over us. So we are no longer gripped in their bondage. 

The event or situation can be anything at all that hurts us, for example a painful breakup, the loss of a friend or family member, pet to death or any other way, a family member or friend diagnosed with a serious illness, being rejected in some way, losing a job, the loss of an important material object (house, car, jewelry, money…), chronic pain or illness, sexual assault, abuse, addiction, feeling abandoned or excluded….. anything that hurts.

After filling the entire index card up with words to describe our pain, words like: pain, rejection, lost, lonely, empty, grief, despair, torture, fear, embarrassed, devastated, angry, furious, broken, confused, numb, guilt, betrayed, envy,jealous, sorry, regret, doubt, heartbreak…..

We then take a marker of any color, especially a bold color, and write over the light penciled words in bold words, positive words like: love, healing, compassion, self-love, inspiration, wisdom, life, joy, happiness, laughter, light, optimistic, positive, balance, full, pleasure, fulfilled, Metta, gratitude, oneness, empathy, understanding, caring, beauty, perseverance, overcoming, stillness, serenity, peace, calm, tranquil, recovery, vitality, spark, acceptance, hope,longevity….

I’m guessing this activity is symbolic of positive energy and emotions overpowering the unpleasant ones. The light penciled words have no power over us if we do not allow them. And if we choose and work on it, we can let the bold, happy words take over. The light words are still there. Here. They still exist, the scars still exist. But they are now dormant or powerless or just not the main thing we experience any longer, not the noxious energy they once were. 

Here is a fake one I made just for this post:

Unpleasant emotions/thoughts:

IMG_14173028_1

(I made the words dark enough to see on here)

Empowering words/emotions/thoughts:

IMG_14173029_1

“The answer is sleeping
Inside your heart
True love that you long for
That’s where it starts” ~ Olivia Newton John ❤

The situation I chose for this activity a few years ago is a form of rejection I once experienced. I allowed this experience to get to me much, much longer than is necessary. Well over a year after this experience, I was still shattered, devastated beyond words with no sign of it getting better. Some moments were worse than others. Some moments/days I finally felt like it would be ok but then I would crash back into the seemingly unbearable pain of it, feeling like I couldn't possibly go on. 

It wasn't depression but every now and then it would trigger a months/weeks long episode of depression and deep despair and even severe headaches, which became more frequent after this experience and lessened after I felt healed to a certain degree. Then when the depression would lift or the headache would ease, the severe pain of this situation would still linger, breaking me, bringing me to ruin. 

Rejection, loss, unrequited love, broken friendships/relationships,….are part of living and it's ok to experience them and for them to really affect us in deep and painful ways but they should never take over so much of life to where that's the main thing we dwell on each day and allow it to ruin our days or whole life. I let it ruin me. It's best if the pain of these situations begins to heal to a certain extent after a while. The pain does not have to be the thing that generally or frequently dominates. 

I was so pleasantly surprised at how much this activity really did heal me. I usually don't say things like something healed me or made me do something or caused something, because really, things usually help, provoke, and contribute to things, not actually cause it or make it happen. Things help me to heal. They don't usually heal me just themselves. 

But I feel this activity really healed me. Not completely. This is a scar I will always have and that's a good thing! It's good to be affected by all of life in both painful and joyous ways.

It's great to be touched in both pleasant and painful ways, by people and situations. 

It's better than being dead or numb or indifferent.

"There's nothing more whole than my broken heart." ~ Hasidic saying

But this activity really helped me heal the worst of the pain. It helped me release painful emotions themselves and the pain of how I viewed certain things. It helped me let go and liberate myself so I am no longer ruled by the situation. 

I was expecting it to maybe help a little bit, even if only during the moments I was engaging in it. But even after it was over, I immediately sensed a change deep within. I felt something release and shift and while I still carry that pain, that scar, that sliver of an ache, it's usually not the red, flaming hot agony it once was that felt like it was scorching the very soul of me.

"I know I'll find the strength to fight
If I can trust I'm gonna be alright
So walk me through my darkest fears tonight
Help me to heal
Help me to feel
All I know is what I see
So won't you help me to believe
Help me to heal" ~ Olivia Newton John

Help Me to Heal – mobile

Help Me to Heal – desktop

I only ever did this activity once and I lost the card but I have it somewhere. I read a book recently about how to cleanse our energy or aura and in the book is an amazing list of healing activities I’m going to try. This one is not in the book but the book reminds me of this one. It’s a fantastic cleansing experience. 

This activity can be performed for any problem whether it’s seemingly trivial or feels like it’s the end of the world.

I’m going to try it again for other struggles. 

I strongly recommend this activity. It’s not a cure and there’s no doubt in my mind that not everyone will be as helped by it as I am.
It’s likely not for everyone. Even if it doesn’t have long lasting effects like it does for me, just the act of engaging in it can be very healing. 

We can also color it with soothing colors, draw on it, anything creative to add to it. We can put our own spin on it.

It’s a very simple, very brief, but very profound method of healing.

❤

I hope you find it healing like I do if you want to try it!

Learn to Love Yourself – mobile – Olivia Newton John

Learn to Love Yourself – mobile

Much love & light to you, always! 

😀

Xoxo Kim  ❤

Live. <3 <3

Feb20

AIR_20160220_00000

“We’ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.”

(attributed to D.H. Lawrence)

I love this quote! It inspires me so deeply because I struggle with severe depression and suicidal urges/thoughts/contemplation. So anything that encourages me to live is so inspiring & consoling to me.

I even have a bracelet that simply says, “LIVE.”

wpid-img_10095

I love life affirming things and love to share them with others.

20150804170015

To live is the first step, as long as we are alive, there is hope. Life is hope. ❤

No matter how hard it gets, carry on, keep going, keep living, keep loving.

“Oh so your standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you’re feeling like you just can’t win, but you’re trying
It’s hard to keep on keepin’ on, when you’re being pushed around
Don’t even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, ’round, down…
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there’s something more
And walk out that door,
Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns
‘Cause we all have thorns”

mobile:

desktop:

Much love & light & hugs to you! ❤

xoxo Kim

The Life Before Her Eyes

Jan3

IMG_14171509_1

“As much as we can be overwhelmed by the world, we can also draw hope from it, from beauty, from promise, from the simple fact that we have the talent to imagine our future selves from all the possible lives that pass before our eyes. We must imagine our lives well. We must engage our conscience.”

Some years ago, I watched a movie called “The Life Before Her Eyes” over & over. I love movies that have to do with friendship. This movie is a very sad movie but very good. It’s about two high school girls who are best friends, one is a “good girl” and the other is a “bad girl” but they are the best of friends. Their friendship is so tender and loving and warm and even after they get into an argument. The girls do a great job playing the part. A true friendship like this one is a great blessing! I think platonic friendship is one of the greatest gifts in life.

A kid comes to school one day with a gun and kills a lot of people, including one of the girls. The other girl develops severe post traumatic stress and struggles with her loss, guilt, and anxiety and caring for her family after she grows up with a family of her own years later. She can’t let go of the past and overcome it and move forward. I wouldn’t expect someone to completely forget that her best friend was murdered and all those other people and wouldn’t expect her grief to go away but it’s possible to heal to a certain point. She has a lot of difficulty. I recently watched the movie again. 

This line above is out of one of the scenes. Isn’t it inspiring? So full of hope & beauty.

I love how many scenes in this movie can be analyzed and interpreted, like they have underlying meanings.

It’s a great movie but I would never recommend it to someone who has ever been involved in a school (or any) massacre, especially one involving gun violence. It may be a serious trigger.

I hope you are having a beautiful day/night!

😀

Much love & light, ❤

Xoxo Kim