Tag Archive | wisdom

Closing Time😖😀❤😍

“Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from.
Closing time
This room won’t be open ’til your brothers or your sisters come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend.” ~ Semisonic ❤

I wrote this October 30th and tried to publish it then but was having some difficulties (technical\practical difficulties not emotional ones even though it is quite sad! )

I’m a sad, sad girl today! Saddest girl in the whole world! Ok, not really. lol I’m not usually this dramatic! But I’m happy and sad. Today is my last day as a server\cashier at the job i worked at for over ten years! I knew I would be so sad when i heard we may be going out of business but I’m more sad than i could have imagined I would be. Heartbreaking!! ❤💔 ❤ I’m actually in a state of grief almost like when someone dies but nowhere near that bad. I’m shocked and feel disbelief and a bit of numbness. I knew for over a year that my boss was trying to sell the place but it’s still kind of a shock to have a significant change like this. I can’t imagine not being here anymore after so long. And I worked so much in Spring & Summer,i felt like i lived here and practically ran the place myself when everyone was on vacation. I worked 10\11 hour shifts with no break days in a row. So many days I opened and closed the place myself. When I first began working here two of us worked each shift. That’s how it was for years. But one day one of the girls couldn’t come in so I worked myself even though it was super busy and my boss decided to have only one of us on each shift, after she saw I handled it well on my own, so she wouldn’t have to pay two of us. So mostly each shift only one worked unless we had to train a new employee. I love working with others but also love my own company. I came to love my shifts alone, especially on slow, cold, rainy or snowy days. When I wasn’t working I would read my books and drink hot chocolate or tea or coffee. I still saw my coworkers a lot.

I worked so much here, more than any of the others because they all have other jobs too and I don’t. Also, im the only one who would work 11 hours a day. I feel a great sense of loss but also like I’m not losing anything because the job and experience never had to be given to me in the first place. So i feel more that I gained than lost. It doesnt completely take away the sadness and grief but definitely helps it. I’m naturally more prone to seeing the positive and if i dont, i remind myself to focus on that.

I wasnt told until yesterday that I would lose my job! I heard people talking about it but my boss did not let me know and never said a word til yesterday that in two days I would be jobless! People are saying negative things about her for that but I can only see that for over ten years, she gave me a job and I am forever thankful.

Another thing that lessens the pain of this loss is, I loved every second of working here and never once took it for granted. People complained about the low pay but it’s better than no pay! And i loved the busy as well as slow days. Some rare occasions I definitely complained about something about work but even in the midst of that I felt gratitude for it all and felt more positive emotions for my job than unpleasant. I took so many pictures in here and shared stories and life lessons learned here, through the years. I have countless memories to always cherish. Even the things i disliked about my job I usually also loved more than disliked. For example, I often felt that I would prefer more regular hours like morning until late afternoon but i also loved the night shifts and not always having to wake up really early for work. Also, even sometimes when I felt overworked and exhausted, I also felt satisfied and productive working so much.

So my point is; there’s always pleasant and unpleasant and we can choose to focus more on what is good.

I also have come to learn that while it’s so great to have some big career helping people, it’s not the only way to help others. Even at a simple store job, (or no job) there are so many ways to touch lives for the better. I saw how grateful and touched people felt when I asked them if they want napkins or boxes to carry stuff or anything else to make things easier for them. Something as simple as that can show someone that we care to make something even just a little bit better or easier for the person. It helps in a practical way but also in a deeper way. People can feel the love we express even in the seemingly smallest ways. That’s the greatest lesson i learned. ❤

Even when I was depressed, grieving, or suffering a flareup of my chronic headache disorder, I made it a point to be friendly to customers even if I wasnt happy myself or in too much pain to think straight. And work almost always cheered me up! 😀

It was extremely rare for me to not feel like going into work and even on those occasions as soon as I got here, I felt happy to be here. So many days I was having so much fun I did not even realize it was time to leave. Some of my best days are here.

I havent been jobless since I was a nineteen year old college girl. It’s embarrassing. I dont judge people who choose not to or cannot work but i love to work and it feels strange and awkward not having a job. Having significantly less money is not going to be good but my worst issue is missing the place, the people, the experience. But all good things (and not good) must end! And I’m thankful for the experience in the first place.

I never planned to leave here unless I had to. I planned and still plan on having a more “real” job but I always wanted to still work here like maybe on the weekends or one day a week if my boss allowed it. Like I have said being a food server is a pleasant job that brings joy in ways other jobs dont. Even if they bring as much joy, it’s not the same.

But I also feel a sense of liberation. Whenever I applied for other jobs I would keep trying to work out how i can work here as well. I tried often to see how my schedules would be compatible. Also so many nights I wanted to do something, like go out but I couldn’t because I had to work at night. I missed quite a few things because of unusual hours. I still loved the hours but it also came with unfortunate things.

I loved when it was busy but I will love nights off that aren’t so demanding. And now I am completely free to look for another job. I have no restraints. For now, I’ll look for another store job since I have so much experience (over ten years!) then try to move onto a more “real” or “professional” (im not n never will be a professional but you get the picture, right?! 😀 ) job like maybe a technician in a hospital or health center or a position at a marketing company. I love marketing but do not want to start out with sales, knocking at people’s doors, which many marketing employers require! Also, I want to work with children with extra needs one day.

And, now I can look more for a volunteer job as well! No job to hold me back! It’s hard finding a volunteer job at some places! They require all stuff like a paid job!

Here are some of my last pictures here:

My friend who used to live next door and me used to call this stuff the Purple shit. It’s a pretty color though! It has a terrible afterscent. I couldn’t stand using it. If we were out of other cleaning stuff I had to use it. Yuck! I dreaded it! But now I’m going to miss it! Oh, purple shit, I’ll miss you! ❤

The cash register! I get angry at it sometimes for not functioning properly but I really will miss it! And seeing all the various kinds of money coming in n funny messages written on some of the bills. “My sweaty nuts touched this!” for example, is a message I saw years ago! lol

I’m going to miss mopping here and cleaning the utensils. I’ll miss every crack in the floor and mark on the walls. I will miss the beauty of the shadows and reflections on the walls and floor and glass freezer tops at sundown. But i have lots of pictures! I will always miss & cherish the occasions when a beetle or ant or other kreepy krawlers would land on one of the counters or freezers or even on me! I have many pictures of those too! I’ll miss making myself chocolate milkshakes! We were allowed to eat\drink anything we wanted for free as long as it was our shift! 😍❤😀 And so much more I’ll miss and cherish forever.

Usually when we think of missing something, we seem to think of people, food, “big” things but there’s so many little things we may overlook and miss that we may never realized we would cherish and miss.

Years ago I broke one of these and I told my dad and he brought me one out of his work to take to mine. He works for a company that sells\fixes parts to things like machines and cars and stuff.

The counterfeit detector pens. Sometimes we got to slacking with checking the money and brought in fake ones by accident. I have gotten angry phone calls unexpectedly about fake cash in the drawer! oopps! 😱

Inventory! I loved writing lists and seeing my manager’s list of all the stuff we needed!

I’ll even miss the notes I would sometimes find hanging up scolding us for something (not cleaning good, forgetting to stock something, leaving something out on the counter that should not have been left out…)

And I will miss the people(and doggies!)! My coworkers, the customers, my boss, manager, and their family, having conversations with people about various things, helping people….I’ll miss it all but I’m very thankful for the work friendships I have found through the years. ❤😍😀

I think this thing is at least twenty years old! See how the phone number doesn’t even have an area code in front. 😱 And that was still our phone number even after all these years. If you call it now, I won’t be there. 😦 Also, the place is called Scoops not just because it’s an ice cream store, even though that is a good name for an ice cream service, but because the original owner’s last name is Scoops. lol

We still have most of the same stuff now. These prices are so low! Only $3.50 for a banana split! Now they’re $6.00! And just $1.50 for a small gelati?! Now they’re $4.50! 😀

And here is the last one of me at work:

I shared this on Facebook with my experience n someone commented and wrote, simply, “sexy boobs.” lol I’m quite flattered and must say, I agree. But I just lost my job after ten years and that’s what someone says. It gave me a good giggle! 😍😀

I even got a couple hugs today! My friend, Chrissy at the bar my boss owns said she’ll miss me and hugged me goodbye! And my newer coworker came and hugged me goodbye and said she really liked working with me. aww ❤😍😀 I love how sad things often show us how much love is in the world. ❤

It’s raining tonight and thundering. It seems fitting for my last day ever. I always loved rainy nights at work. ❤

I tried to take pictures of every square inch of the place. Most of them arent pretty but they arent meant to be. Theyre just for me to always have. I can never forget this place and have so many habits ingrained into me that i picked up here. One, for example, is when someone is talking to me, even not at work, I often look to the right while talking because when a customer asks for a certain kind of ice cream before saying ok, I look to the freezer on my right to be sure we have it first even though there are other freezers, that one is closest to see and i carried the habit over into conversations outside work. And I reach for a refrigerator that isnt there. It hasnt been for years but once in a while I reach to open it to get milk. The habit is so ingrained. And once in a while I still reach for the dipwell that hasnt been in place for about nine or ten years. I dont need pictures to help me remember! But i love to have them!

This reminds me how very powerful habits we develop are and I’m inspired to maintain\develop positive ones.

It’s going to take some getting used to not being here now. The place is a part of me and always will be. There are always good things about each stage, age, phase of life we’re currently experiencing. Closing time reminds me to always appreciate where I am and what I have; I usually do anyway but reminders are great! And Im inspired to share with others and suggest we all cherish right now even if it seems like it’s not so great. Single or taken, jobless, dead-end job, stressful job, great job, stay at home mom or dad, new child or no child, in love or not, college student or graduate, wedding planning, just married, living at home with the family we grew up with, on our own… or whatever stage we are in now, let’s embrace it, cherish it, look for the goodness in it. Each season or stage of life has its struggles, challenges, blessings, beauty, heartache, positive aspects, difficulties, love, joy….and there’s a chance when it ends we’re going to miss it even if we never thought we could. There are less regrets and less sadness, more joy and beauty when we lose something or someone if we did not take it for granted while we had it. It’s easier to let go or move forward when we knew what we had while we had it. Let’s be mindful of the love & beauty here & now. There is nothing more painful than losing something or someone that we love but never stopped to appreciate while we had the chance. I’m so thankful I knew what a blessing my job was (and always will be) to me. I always knew. So saying goodbye is still sad but so much easier than it could have been.

The girls gave me a shot of strawberry tequilia to see me off. At first I refused because I don’t drink alcohol and am not attracted to it in any way but my boss owns the bar across the street and she and the others, her family, my coworkers who work at the bar\kitchen really wanted me to take a shot so I did after some pleading and pushing! They all drank one with me and toasted to me and the business. ❤

The flavor is good! It’s kind of like a strawberry milkshake but alcohol flavored. But I did not like the sedated feeling or “buzz” feeling it brought me. It was nothing terrible or that I couldn’t handle but it also wasn’t the most pleasing. However, I did like how when I swallowed it, the very instant it went down my throat, I felt it throughout my whole body; it traveled up to my head n down to my toes. It was very powerful. I was reminded of being alive and mindful of my existence and body. I’m thankful for the experience. ❤

I will be seeing them at the Christmas party next month! 😀😍❤

I got so many well wishes today! Just about every person i encountered today I told my sad news to and they were all so encouraging about it and told me better things are coming to me! I know it’s true! This is the end that will lead to a new beginning! ❤😍😀 And here are a few songs that resonate with me:

“Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” (this song has always resonated with me in a deep way since I first heard it when I was very young. ❤ It gives me chills in a good way and tugs on my insides.)

Closing Time – semisonic – mobile

Closing Time – desktop

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

You’re Gonna Miss This – Trace Adkins – mobile

You’re Gonna Miss This – desktop

“I’ve been walkin’ these streets so long
Singin’ the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
Where hustle’s the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There’s been a load of compromisin’
On the road to my horizon
But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me” ❤

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell – mobile

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy – desktop

I’m wishing you much love, light, and happness, always! ❤ ~hugs~

xoxo Kim

Live in Love <3

Oct3

A verse out of a version of the Dhammapada that I have & love!! 😀

Much love & light to you, always!! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

Coffee beans (because I just can’t think of a good post title)

Oct2

Thursday was free coffee day at wawa! Any size, any flavor, any amount of cups for free! Hot coffee that is! No iced coffee for free. It was so bizarre to see countless people walking in, making up cups of coffee and just walking out without even getting into a line! And no one was watching to be sure we weren’t walking out with stuff other than coffee without paying. And no one seemed to care that some people were taking out multiple cups of coffee in carriers.

It’s not everyday we see many people walking out of stores with stuff without paying! It was kind of like a madhouse in there! Lol Can you guess what kind of coffee I got?! That’s right! Pumpkin! 😉

It was delectable! Luckily I was also buying soda and had to get in line because it would have felt so awkward making up coffee and just leaving. My mom and sister said it wouldnt but to me, it would feel like stealing even though it’s not!
I also attended Buddhist class, which was lovely. I love the teacher! She’s a lay Buddhist who was filling in for our teacher Gen Tenzin who I also love! He has to travel the world sometimes, to teach Buddhism in other countries and stuff. He is a Buddhist monk. Eve, our teacher, Thursday, is very gentle and loving and one of the people with energy that I feel resonates deeply with my own. Just to be near her is very calming. She’s also funny and very patient. She taught me how to make a mala one year and wasnt annoyed when I couldn’t catch on and messed stuff up. It’s hard to learn to tie the knot and I really just couldn’t and kept needing help. It was awkward having to keep asking for help but she showed no signs at all of being annoyed. Even in school as a child I had teachers who would get so annoyed when kids needed extra help. But Eve is more than happy to show us the way even when we struggle. Patience is a virtue she masters well. ❤ I am very thankful to have met her and know her. 😀

Thursday night she reminded us to give thanks, even if just in our head, for all the kindness others show us and to be aware of all the ways in which we are helped by others. There is an infinite number of ways we count on and are helped by others, people packaging our food, making our clothes that we buy, teaching us skills like writing, reading, driving, preparing coffee beans n stuff…and she reminded us to always be thankful for our mom who took great care of us, gave us life or the life we had growing up, loves us, fed and clothed us… Even if there is someone we have a tumultuous or strained relationship with, we can give thanks for the practical things that person has done for us.

Instead of thinking merely in “selfish” terms like we have a job, money, a place to live, all because we accomplished it, we can shift our focus to how others helped us get to those places, building our house, teaching us the skills for that job, giving us the job…this is very transformative and a great way to live, focusing on gratitude and the kindness of others. We can still take pleasure in our own accomplishments while acknowledging how others help us get here along the way.

Also, we are encouraged to be conscious of our thoughts and speech and how they may affect others.

This is not mine; I took it off the Buddha center’s page.

Also, Thursday was a beautiful cool, very rainy day, morning til night.

Just lovely! 😀 ❤

Doesn’t this look like bokeh effect? It’s a natural one though! I was exploring different ways to get photos of the rainy night, while in my dad’s car and I noticed that when I hold the phone camera up, very closely, to the window with the droplets on it, it looks like that and then I put the flash on to brighten the raindrops. This photo has no effect or anything but I did increase the saturation and fixed the contrast to make the colors more vivid.

These are more of my rainy pics.

Tomorrow morning before work, if it all goes as planned, I’m going to attend the Out of darkness walk, here in Philadelphia, for suicide prevention. I always wanted to do something like that but could never seem to find the courage or inner strength. I used to go on the asthma one occasionally and helped out for the HIV one, which I couldn’t attend because I had work, but I always found the thought of the suicide prevention one overwhelming. But I think I can now. My dad may be going with me. My sister was going to but decided it’s too early in the morning for her. I don’t mind going myself.

If you are here in Philadelphia maybe you want to come? It’s at the art museum and begins at 8:30am but the opening ceremony is at 8:00am. You can register there and donate any amount of money. Ends at 11:00am I think. Then I have to go right to work!

Also, they give us beads to wear. The color given to us is dependent upon our personal association with suicide…loss of a child, parent, sibling, lover, friend or family member, suicide attempt or struggle our own self, love someone who struggles, or just support the cause with no personal relation to it. This is so we can look around and see how many people intimately know and understand our own struggle or passion. ❤

I hope the courage doesn’t elude me tomorrow! Lol

I can do this, I can do this!! Lol (Hopefully…)

I love the beautiful feeling of togetherness of walks for various causes; everyone there or almost everyone cares to help support, prevent, bring awareness to….<3

So, if you are there and see me, come give me a big hug! 😀 I’m very shy but love hugs! ❤

This is me just so you know who to come up and hug! I don’t want you hugging the wrong person and being mistaken for a perv or something. But especially, I just don’t want to miss out on the hug! 😉

Much love & light, always!!
Xoxo Kim 😀

No one can make you feel inferior…

Oct1

(me! 😀 ❤ I really have blue eyes with green splashes but for a few days recently, they were green! 😱)

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Yesterday I received two very unpleasant comments, one in person, by someone I know and have liked a lot since i met her and one online by a stranger. The online comment was vicious and intended to be callous and the in-person comment was meant to be compassionate but I find it thoughtless. I’m extremely open about my struggle with severe depression and the things relating to it, both online and in person. Since I was thirteen years old, I have struggled with severe episodes of depression with frequent lower-grade depression in the middle a lot. My depression would always go completely away for a while, sometimes months, but would always come back to some degree. It has been with me off and on through the years since then.

I never try to conceal it out of embarrassment or what people may think but I also dont go out of my way to bring it up usually, not because I dont want to necessarily; it’s just there’s not always an opportunity or thought to bring it up. I don’t constantly talk or think about my depressive illness. I just get to talking about it when it happens to come up somehow. I keep my social media accounts public and post about it sometimes, so anyone has access to it. But not everyone who knows me knows about my condition. I am very happy in general when I’m not depressed; even when my depression was chronic/frequent, it would always leave and I would be so happy and healthy; and even when I am depressed, I am still naturally very friendly to others and still often easily amused. I don’t “look depressed,” whatever that may look like. I don’t dress all in black with my head down and covered in self inflicted cuts, like some people assume depressed people should look like.

I am frequently laughing and smiling. I can function in the world and effectively interact with people in social settings. This is true for many, probably even most of us who struggle with mental health conditions. We may be someone with a family of our own or we may live at home with the family we grew up with, we can be store cashiers, food servers, doctors, counselors, your next door neighbor, your coworker, your best friend, the giggly, smiling person you see at the bus stop everyday, maybe your hairdresser or attorney, a schoolteacher…..we cannot always see depression. It’s true, people do notice I am depressed sometimes (even if they don’t realize it’s depression). But it cannot always be detected by others.

Yesterday online, I expressed compassion for a suicide victim and his family and friends. The sweet young man is dead and everyone who loves and knew him is shattered and will always be scarred. I am not easily offended and not sensitive so I can easily brush off comments and remarks that are malicious, rude, sarcastic, thoughtless….but some occasions, for whatever reason, they hit hard. A stranger, both to me, and to the man who died by suicide, commented and wrote something in response to all our comments, about compassion for him not being necessary because he was a “selfish, cowardly piece of shit who did this to himself.” (This is not new to me; it’s frequent to encounter this kind of sentiment about suicidal people and suicide victims – I have been told myself on more than one occasion, to quit feeling sorry for myself and go get it over with and kill myself already, luckily i havent heard this in a while)

First of all, this poor person was sick or somethimg. It was’t like he just decided it would be fun to end his own life just for thrills. Also, those poor souls who knew him, his family, his mama, his close friends, his acquaintances, his coworkers, his neighbors, maybe even someone who saw him around but hardly knew him, are all impacted in a horrific way now and they can’t help that he made that terrible choice; it’s not their fault so why write something so callous for them to read? They are the ones being hurt by the cruelty; not him. As if it’s not cruel enough, this pain they now have to live with. Now on top of that, they have that comment to remember.

That was at the beginning of my day that I had the displeasure of encountering that. Then closer to the end of my day, I had the displeasure of receiving another thoughtless (but not as ruthless) comment but in person by someone I know.

I recently met a new (platonic) friend at work! I only met him a couple months ago and instantly felt a deep connection to him. He is one of the kindest and most generous people I ever met and reminds me of another friend I have. I was telling my mom how much the two are alike then i found out they grew up knowing each other! ❤ I had no idea! 😀 Shortly after i met this new friend of mine, I realized i felt a sense of “home” like we may feel when we meet people we have a deep “soul” connection with.

Anyway, my new friend has problems, some of which he shared with me. He has severe recurring headaches, financial difficulties, and is in emotional turmoil because he is in the process of getting a divorce, which is not his choice but his wife’s. I am inspired because as much pain as he is experiencing about his loss, he told me he is so thankful for the thirty years he had with her and all the memories he’ll always have. And for his kids and grandbaby(hes adorable! I get to see him some days)

Yesterday, a girl I know told me to be very careful because my new friend just got out of a “looney bin” and is cracking up in the head and she doesnt want him to go off and do anything to me. She said he’s a very friendly person but looney. I could tell she was genuinely concerned for my safety so I cant even be angry at her and even find it a bit touching that she cares so much. But her comment struck me so hard, like a slap hard across the face. He’s not dangerous to others. Most of us are not (though some definitely are) and it is damaging to perpetuate that. She did not realize who she was talking to. If i was in her position and said that to someone who has experienced both voluntary and involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations(like I have), I would have been mortified. I spared her the embarrassment (and fear) and sob story of mine and just tried to assure her that he is not a threat to others. She was not convinced.

She even admitted that he shows no signs of being a threat to others but that she’s concerned when he’s around. I felt compassion for her even with my annoyance. Imagine feeling fear whenever you see someone, that the person will “snap” and put you in danger. It’s not pleasant for her either. She clearly doesn’t understand mental illness.

The reason I found it difficult to shrug off her comment is, I like her a lot (in a platonic way) and my condition is a part of me and always will be, not that I will always be depressed but always remember that I was. It’s painful to like someone and the person not understand a significant part of me, especially thinking I’m dangerous. Some people who dont like something(certain views, disabilities…), when they find out someone they know experiences that, they will come to be more understanding of it and accepting, while others will reject the person. Either way, I think it’s important to not conceal stuff just so others will not dislike us. Just because we deny it in ourselves does not mean it doesn’t exist and then people will love us under false impressions. It won’t be real.

As the cliche goes “I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.”

For sure! Though i dont think it’s very likely that anyone will “hate” us, they may dislike us or feel uncomfortable around us. It is unfortunate and they have my compassion. Even though it’s unpleasant for me, it’s also unpleasant for them. I wish they would try to understand better and not perpetuate dangerous myths.

People don’t just “snap” and “go off.” They show signs that often go unnoticed by others before they freak out and go on a killing spree. And look at all the people who aren’t mentally ill who kill people and animals. Not every mentally ill person who kills does so as a result of the illness. Even mentally ill people can be assholes and kill for the same reasons non mentally ill people kill for. Not only is it wrong to assume mentally ill people are all dangerous because it hurts us to assume that, it’s wrong because it’s like justifying it when someone kills someone. Mental illness is no justification usually. I do struggle with depression sometimes but it never gets me wanting to kill anyone other than myself and if I killed someone I would just be an asshole who is also mentally ill. And I hope I would get life in prison.

I know not to attack someone and never even have the urge to. Only once in all of my days (except when i was little and thought it was funny to hit older kids and if kids were messing with me, i would sometimes hit them) can i ever remember truly wanting to even just smack someone(in 7th grade my friend was irking me so badly in class i just wanted to smack her and would have if we werent in school!) and never again since then. I would kill myself before I would kill someone else and i would risk my own life to save another (even when im not suicidal!).

The two comments, only because I let them, put a damper on my happiness. I let them dull my sparkle. I usually don’t allow that but yesterday I did. But this quote I shared above, popped into my head.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

It’s a quote that is so cliche i fear it may be often just overlooked or mindlessly tossed around in an attempt to seem positive. I have often overlooked it, finding it positive and a great concept but not truly letting it inspire me. Yesterday though, I really felt it, let it inspire me deeply. Even if we can’t initially help how we feel in response to something that someone else says or does, we can work to strengthen our mind against the actions and words of others.

I thought of how it doesnt matter what that girl thinks of my friend or me. We are not dangerous and so many people understand that. There will always be those who don’t and we can just speak up or share things to counter it. And we can show compassion to those in need.

I accept my condition. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change my history of it. It just is and I allow it to be. I will never cover it up no matter what others think about it or me. And one thing I am pleased to realize is while there are many reasons to give up mental illness if we could, like the fact that it hurts us and those around us, it’s expensive for treatment, interferes with things….what other people think is not one of those reasons to give it up even if we were able to! I wouldn’t give up my illness or experiences just because someone else thinks I’m a basketcase.

Also, I receive many, many more loving comments and responses to my condition and things i post online, than unpleasant ones and those are the ones I focus on more. There are many more people who are loving and kind in general than those who are not. And the ones who aren’t can become more kind and loving. We can all evolve.

Another thing I made the choice to do in the face of this unpleasantness is ask myself how this can strengthen me, what is it teaching or reminding me, what wisdom can i realize and deepen and share with others…What virtues can i strengthen? Patience, gratitude, compassion, kindness, forgiveness….there’s always positive things to be learned and reminded of in every difficult situation.

I want to remind us all to not give anyone consent to dull our sparkle, contribute to us feeling inferior, low, anxious….anything unpleasant. The power is within us to let what they say or do, slide right off. Whatever they do or say, does not change anything about us whether it’s true or not. Think of the positive things in the world, our own self, and each other, and let the unpleasant things said and done to us go. It can’t hurt us if we don’t let it. It’s up to each of us how to respond both in our head and outwardly.

received_10202384584892183

(this isn’t my photo! My sister sent me a message as i was completing this post and i opened it and it was this pic she sent me! Perfect, right!?)

I’m wishing you much love and light, always! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! I have a busy couple of days but everything is going well. 😍❤

“And we’re all gonna shine a light together
All shine a light to light the way
Brothers and sisters in every little part
Let our love shine a light in every corner of our hearts”

Love Shine a Light – mobile

Love Shine a Light – desktop

Hugs & lots of love,

xoxo Kim ❤

There is a lot of beauty in ordinary things…<3

Sep29

Here are some of my recent photos! I love taking pics of ordinary things each day and capturing the extraordinary beauty. ❤
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! This depressive episode I have been in is lifting the way they usually do when they are so severe, gradually, fluctuating, better then worse, then better then worse then better…

I have been handling it well; not as well as I could have been but much better than I could have also. I have been putting things off and not able to concentrate but I’m slowly coming back.

It’s a great accomplishment to hold on and keep going, to stay positive (to some degree, any degree)even in the midst of an illness that takes away everything, including the desire and will to live. But I am here and choose to keep going and keep trying to help inspire and help others any way I can.

Much love & light to you always and please keep carrying on even when it seems pointless and feels impossible. ❤ 😀 Thank you to everyone who reads my posts, likes, shares, comments…I always appreciate it. ❤

xoxo Kim

Another Fall in Philadelphia❤

Sep23

(Me tonight – I’m just getting over a bad depression – it’s sort of like a bad, very, very bad case of Influenza (not that I ever had influenza but it seems kind of similar in certain ways) but in the “mind” and mixed with suicidal tendencies)

Fall in Philadelphia – Hall & Oates – mobile

Fall in Philadelphia – desktop

So here is my annual Fall in Philadelphia post! One of my favorite parts of the year is when Summer turns to Autumn. It’s still very much like Summer but there are a few signs of Fall, some crisp leaves on the ground already, pumpkin lattes, the decorations in the stores, cooler some nights….

Tomorrow is my mom’s b-day! My sister and me went shopping today to buy her a gift. We have been saving up money to buy her some gem stones because she loves those.

Tonight I’m celebrating Fall drinking Pumpkin coffee! It’s never too early for Fall or Christmas, to me. But I like to wait to drink the pumpkin coffee because when it’s really Fall then the pumpkin stuff while still thrilling, isn’t quite as thrilling after drinking it all August long. Lol So tonight I decided to get my first pumpkin coffee of the season! Yum! 😀

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! Also, thank you to all those people with jobs saving people’s and animal’s lives, police, doctors, nurses, EMTs, first responders, assistants, and any others who work hard, even putting themselves in danger to save others. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! And I’m wishing you a safe journey each & every day. 😍❤💙💚💛💜💝💖💗💔💗❤💜💛💚💙

Much love & light, always.

xoxo Kim ❤

Gratitude<3

Sep21

Me, today! 😀 ❤

”I’ve got a heart that can hold love

I’ve got a mind that can think
There may be times when I lose the light

And let my spirits sink

But I can’t stay depressed

When I remember how I’m blessed.”

Seven things I’m thankful for:

1.) Waking up this morning

2.) Delicious cinnamon pastries with buttercream frosting – my dog ate half of one that he stole and licked a lot of the cream off the other one! Lol soo cute!! 😀 ❤

3.) All my senses

4.) Watching a movie with my mom and sister

5.) A chance to post here today

6.) Anyone who may read this post! ❤

7.) All the good things that happen to everyone, all the lives spared, the good news, the health tests that come back with great results, the acceptance letters, new friendships and any loving relationships…all good things for all sentient beings ❤ 😀

What are you thankful for today and/or in general?

Grateful – mobile
Grateful – desktop
Much love & light to you, always!

Xoxo Kim

The Black Widow❤

Sep17

“Poetry is a fresh morning spider-web telling a story of moonlit hours of weaving and waiting during a night.” ❤

Look how lovely! One night recently, in the backyard, I watched a beautiful spider weaving a web on the clothesline. I tried to get pictures but it was too dark and the spider was constantly in motion, spinning and spinning. I saw him\her clearly even though it was dark. The kitchen light in my house and the bright moonlight was enough to allow me to see but the pictures still turned up blurry and dark! I don’t put the flash on for fear of killing the little kritters.

I told my mom I really wanted to get a pic but the circumstances weren’t good for it. I hoped my little arachnid would be there still in the morning. But I was so happy watching him\her spin so beautifully. How magical!

❤

The next day my mom told me s\he was still there so I happily went to see and was pleasantly surprised! This is a different one! A much bigger and more vibrantly colored one but equally beautiful. 😍

If you look closely at my picture, you can see the beautiful web s\he worked so hard to spin. This one was in a recycling can. It was recycling night and I implored my mom to put a different can out that night so as not to disturb the beauty and ruin (her?) Web. A neighbor stole the actual recycling bucket one day (even with our address on it and did not try to remove or cover up our address, my mom checked the cans of those she suspected would do such a thing and sure enough…lol) and my mom “stole” it back and started just using it for the yard and putting a small trashcan out front on recycling \trash night. And the spider was in the trashcan one.

At first my mom refused my plead to leave the spider be but I implored and whined all day til she gave in(a technique that has worked since i was a little girl…beg, whine, stomp around, throw conniptions…til I have my way! Never too old for that, right!?) Lol 😉

So the spider remained undisturbed until late that night when she left on her own. 😍

For these pics, I increased the saturation, structure, and sharpening to bring out the detail of the web. And to bring out the vibrant colors of the spider’s body. On this last picture here, I took the “warmth” option on the slider on Snapseed app and decreased it into the negatives to give it a cool blue look (increasing it would give it a warm yellow\orange color that blends too much with the spider’s natural colors.). The spider’s coloring looks good against this cool blue.

I love how the one part somewhat resembles a human thumbprint! ❤

On the first photo, after bringing out the detail, I just experimented with different things and got the pretty rainbowy background! 😍😀🌈

Do you know what kind of spider this is? Boy? Girl? Poisonous? Deadly? Harmless? Do boy ones and girl ones both spin webs? I can look that one up on Google, I’m sure of it , but I’ll just wait to see if anyone reading knows.

I LOVE spiders!! They are some of most beautiful creatures on Earth.

“(Vincent price speaks)
Leaving lepidoptera… Please, don’t touch the display,
Little boy, aha cute! Moving to the next aisle we have
Arachnida, the spiders, our… Finest collection.
This friendly little devil is the heptothilidi,
Unfortunately harmless. Next to him, the nasty licosa
Raptoria, his tiny fangs cause creeping ulcerations of
The skin (laugh). And here, my prize, the Black
Widow. Isn’t she lovely?… And so deadly. Her kiss is
Fifteen times as poisonous as that of the rattlesnake.
You see her venom is highly neurotoxic, which is to say
That it attacks the central nervous system causing
Intense pain, profuse sweating, difficulty in
Breathing, loss of consciousness, violent convulsions
And, finally… Death. You know what I think I love about her
Most about her is her inborn need to dominate,
Possess. In fact, immediately after the consummation
Of her marriage to the smaller and weaker male of the
Species she kills and eats him… (laugh) oh, she is
Delicious… And I hope he was! Such power and dignity
… Unhampered by sentiment. If I may put forward a
Slice of personal philosophy, I feel that man has ruled
This world as a stumbling dimented child-king long
Enough! And as his empire crumbles, my precious Black Widow…” ❤

The Black Widow – Alice Cooper – mobile

The Black Widow – desktop

Here is to that lovely, Black Widow! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! A day\night filled with lots of love, laughter, beauty, inner peace, and spiders!! 😉

I’m at work now working a ten hour shift! Already worked five hours and have another five to go! 😀

Much love & light, always.

Xoxo Kim ❤

Kindness makes the world go round ❤

Sep4

Screenshot_2016-09-04-22-10-23_kindlephoto-8538685

(Not my photo)

Perfect! Imagine if each one of us does even just one kind thing for someone, anyone, each day. The world would be so much brighter. And one kind act not only helps the one being targeted for kindness but can inspire others to engage in kindness as well. ❤

There are endless opportunities to make things better each day; we don’t have to wait until an opportunity arises; we can just go out and act.

It can be as simple as smiling at someone walking by, putting change into a tip cup at a store, buying coffee for a coworker, doing extra little things around the office at work, feeding pigeons and squirrels in a safe place, giving money to a homeless person, rescuing an insect instead of killing, picking trash up off the sidewalk, forgiving someone who cuts in front of us in line at a store or traffic, a sweet compliment, an encouraging message…the list goes on & on & on…

I think most of us are kind and do kind things for others occasionally or when we see a chance but imagine how much more sweetness we can put out into the world if we put more intention into our kindness, plan to do at least one kind thing each day even if we aren’t feeling very kind at the moment

We may be in a hurry, tired, in a bad mood, have a headache, feeling betrayed by someone, depressed, pissed off, numb, anxious, shy…some days but let’s push through it, rise above, and reach out in kindness to help another and bring just a little more beauty & love into our world. ❤💙💜💛💚😍

I hope you are having a lovely day or night wherever in the world you are! It is a beautiful, somewhat cool night here in Philadelphia!

Also, thank you so, so much to everyone who liked, commented on, read, shared….my last post!! I greatly appreciate it and am so honored! 😍

“Throw your hearts up Let it fly high. Let your love for all the world Spread through the skies Let it drop down Let it all go. Spreading kindness to every Single living soul” ❤

Being Kind – Empty Hands – mobile

Being Kind – desktop

😀

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim

Be.YOU.tiful ❤

Sep3

This is me today at work! ❤

And here is a quote I saw recently:

**“It’s okay to be who you are. If you’re nervous, be nervous. If you’re shy, be shy.” 💜**

I love how this quote encourages us to be just us. It’s a good thing to change what we want if we truly want to change it. But it’s also great to just accept our own self just the way we are. Some things can’t be changed and some we may think we want to change or think we don’t like but it’s really someone else’s opinion or the opinion of the society in which we live, influencing us to change, to “fix,” to make better.

Let’s stop and think. Do we truly want to change whatever it is because we our self wish to change it or is the view of others getting to us?

If it’s the views of others, let’s consider not changing just for that. And if we truly want to lose the weight, get the surgery, makeover, dye our hair..we can still love our own self while changing it. Our beauty and value are not dependent upon anyone else.

My sister loves to cut, style, and dye her hair. It’s just how her personality is. She gets many compliments on her style and boldness, shaving half her head and having the other half blue or some other dyed color. On so many occasions, strangers and people we know, come up to compliment her and then ask me, “So when are you going to cut\dye your hair?”

I don’t cut or dye my hair and have never dyed it and am not going to. Five years ago I got my first haircut in seventeen years! It was cut in layers and still fairly long. Now, five years later and I haven’t got it cut since then other than trimming it now and again. It’s long enough for me to sit on. My dogs and people sit on it and pull it by accident! It annoys me but I love my hair!

Also, I am very shy and always have been. When I just meet someone or don’t see someone often, I am usually not talkative. It’s not fear or anxiety or introversion. I love meeting and being around people and am calm in social settings and am extroverted, just a shy extrovert. 😀

I have frequently been told to start getting loud and outgoing. It’s not my choice to feel shy; I just am. I don’t have a problem with it and don’t wish to change it. Being loud and outgoing, frequently changing hairstyles is all great. It’s just not for me.

Also, I LOVE Oldies music and people think it’s weird and I used to be embarrassed about it but now I embrace my love for old music.

And I don’t watch TV but love to read. This is embarrassing sometimes but I never try to conceal it.

I dont drink alcoholic drinks and never had more than a few sips in all of my days. It’s embarrassing but alcohol just does not appeal to me in any way and never has. It’s just not my cup of tea(except to take pictures of!).

I don’t want kids and never have. I love kids and want to work with extra needs children. But being a mom isn’t the life I want for me. Not for any specific reason though; I just have no desire to have kids. I used to lie years ago and tell people I do want kids so people wouldn’t think I’m a bitter old witch who doesn’t like kids. Now I embrace me for all that I am. I would love my kids if I had kids; that’s just not the life I choose.

If you love to loosen up with a glass of wine or shot of whisky, embrace who you are! If you’re like me and hardly ever had more than a sip, embrace that too!

Shy or ououtgoing , love and accept who you are.

Bookworm? Embrace it!

Watch TV all day?

That’s OK if it’s what we truly want!

Stay at home parent, working parent, not a parent, don’t want to be, can’t be… Whatever…love yourself. 💜

As long as we aren’t hurting others or directly interfering, let’s embrace and love it. ❤💜💚💙💛😍😀

And if it is interfering with someone, we can always change for the better.

Live with it & love it. 💙

But let’s remember not to be stuck up and sanctimonious about it(unless we really want to be, lol)! We don’t have to negatively judge others for lifestyles we would never choose or for loving stuff we don’t love or not loving stuff we love. Let’s celebrate our oneness, our similarities, and our diversity. ❤💞

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim