Archive | March 2016

Beautiful.

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(the sunset today – the moon is out too, a thin sliver, how beautiful!)

“It was early morning. Smoke hung in the air. There was sunlight passing through the smoke. It was beautiful.

‘It is beautiful!’ the Tao said.

And so it was.”

This is out of a Kindle book I have called “Tao Sutra: Opening the Door to the Senses,” a book full of short stories like this laced with wisdom, love, life lessons, and beauty.
It’s written by Amit Basu.

This perfect lil story reminds us to acknowledge the beauty all around us at any given moment and also that attitude is just about everything. If we believe it’s beautiful then it is.
There is always something to see beauty in. ❤

Thank You for the recent comments to me! I always appreciate each & every one of them and all of my readers!
I will respond soon! ❤ 😀

xoxo Kim

Bloom. <3

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“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it….it just blooms.”

We all have a unique combination of things, gifts, experiences, abilities, goals, ways of doing things, loves, likes, dislikes, physical attributes, personality traits, mistakes, flaws, perfections, accomplishments, beauty, ugliness, wonder, brain/body chemistry, dna, memories….

It doesn’t make sense to try to have competitions with others and compare ourselves in negative ways. 

We all have our own histories, our own pace, our own ways…

Let’s bloom where we’re planted, work with and appreciate what we have and where we are, focus on our own life and context.

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Forget what others are doing and wanting and what everyone else has and focus on our own aspirations and desires. There’s always going to be someone with more and with less, with more developed abilities, more accomplishments, more money, and those with less.

There’s always going to be someone who seems to have it all or seems to have accomplished things more quickly. 

But we each have our own pace and situations.

“If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?”

This is a beautiful reminder to blossom as our own self, just the way we are. The one next to us may have much more but it doesn’t make us inferior. We all are very similar in some ways and different in other ways. 

But no one can take the place of another. ❤

So let's just be us and bloom where we are while loving each other and encouraging others to do the same.

Much love & light, always! ❤

😀

Xoxo Kim 

A glimmer of hope <3

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(this isn’t the best picture but I love it. Today the sun was reflecting so passionately off those broken windows on that abandoned factory. I never really saw anything like that. So orange, so fierce, so bright…)

“I’ll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love
has passed me by
And all I know of love
is how to live without it
I just can’t seem to find it.” 

This is a song I have loved for just about as long as I can remember. 

I listened to it often as a young girl and always felt I can deeply relate to it.

Like she says “no one ever cared if I should leave or die” I have felt that way for much of my life, like I have no one. Even when I was surrounded by people, friends, family….I thought they couldn’t possibly really love me.

Not only have I often felt unloved but completely unlovable. 

Even when I would meet a potential new friend or out with friends I already had, I would think “no way can this person really like me…”

She, in this song, struggles with finding a reason to live, a sense of purpose. A struggle I know all too well.

I always loved how listening to this song, her sweet, soothing voice, made it seem to me like someone understands me. Not that I want her to ever suffer but since she is, it’s good we find each other.

I remember when I was young and I told my mom I can relate to this song sung by Karen Carpenter and she said “You two are just feeling sorry for yourselves.” lol It made me laugh. 

And it kind of does sound like that, whining that no one loves us or would care if we die.

Anyway, I have always loved Karen Carpenter and I sense that she was a very broken but very beautiful person. I never knew her for real but I heard that she struggled with an eating disorder and self destructive behavior and I struggle with depression myself and can often sense it in others and I sense it in her.

But she was so strong. Very tragically, her self destructive behavior ultimately contributed to her early death.

I know she was and is still very loved by her family, friends, and many, many fans.

“There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine”

Oh, girl, I hear you! lol 😉

This song, while heartbreaking and so very sad, is also riddled with so much hope and strength.

Even through her terrible pain, her feelings of worthlessness, her suffocating loneliness, she has a spark of hope that things can get better and she goes on. And on and on.

Carrying on through all the darkness knowing that the future is uncertain for all of us, it can and probably will bring with it good and bad, blessings and tragedies, love, hope, pain, people who will love us and those who will not, breakups, losses, and new beginnings and friendships.

“Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I’ll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for.
All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I’ll go on as best I can.
What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that
I’ve been wrong
But for now this is my song.”

“I’ll go on as best I can.”

Preach it, sister! 😀

Every word speaks to me in a deep way, the pain, the hope, the love…

This song in some way also reminds me of Billy Joel’s musical suicide note, Tomorrow is Today, which is his real life experience. 

I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that in both Karen Carpenter’s song she sings here and Billy Joel’s song, they are referring to romantic love. They seem to both have “bad luck” with it and feel like life is over. But we don’t need romantic love to be truly happy. It’s beautiful to have but it’s not the end of the world because we have been jilted (even if over & over) or can’t find a lover.
We don’t have to say goodbye to LOVE because we aren’t blessed with it in the romantic sense. Even if we don’t have good luck with platonic friendships or family love, we can still live in a world of love. Universal Love. Love as a state of BEing.
Loving life itself. And everyone we encounter, all living, sentient beings.
There are so many ways to love whether it’s a warm affection, well wishes for others, helping those in need, helping uplift and inspire others, a hug or smile, volunteer work, just BEING love…the ways to love are endless. ❤

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(this isn’t my photo)

❤

Let's NOT say goodbye to love. Even if we aren't or don't feel loved in return. This world needs our love. It desperately needs it! 

It needs our love, Billy Joel's love, Karen Carpenter's love, and everyone else's. Love is how we stay alive long after we are gone. 

Very sadly, Karen Carpenter is gone but her love still exists here and our love for her. Luckily Billy Joel's suicide attempt did not go as planned and he's still with us putting more and more love out into the world. 
We can never love too much. ❤

I would have loved to know her and be her friend. I'm so sorry she lost the battle. I think she was recovering or mostly recovered but the physical damage was too extensive.

I hope you feel loved and feel love for others and if not, please carry on, like the song suggests, we never know what the future will bring us. It can bring with it hope, healing, love…<3

😀

Goodbye to Love – mobile

Goodbye to Love – desktop

Much love & light to you. ❤

Xoxo Kim 

Strawberry <3

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Strawberry is one of my favorite flavors. Not even for the taste itself, though it is delicious! 

😀

Cherry is my favorite and grape and I also love blueberry poptarts more than I love strawberry. For ice cream, mint chip is my favorite. 
Strawberry laffey taffeys are good, though, not nearly as good as cherry!  

But there’s something about strawberry I don’t understand. 

It brings life back into me. Life & hope.

Strawberry was Diane’s favorite ice cream.
Diane is my friend & coworker who we lost unexpectedly to a heart attack last year, which is one of the most difficult experiences of this life of mine. I feel my heart now, like it’s physically breaking. Sometimes I’m overcome in grief like it’s almost paralyzing. 

She would eat strawberry ice cream a lot at work.
She absolutely loved it. 
I always loved the pink color more than the flavor and I love the frozen strawberry pieces, how they feel against my tongue.

When she would eat her strawberry ice cream, the pink color always made me want to eat some too. Even when I was depressed and couldn’t really taste anything else, the strawberry almost always tasted like a sliver of Heaven on Earth, to me. Even flavors I like better do not usually do that for me.

Even when nothing else tempted me to eat it, strawberry would (still does!) and I would always forget what strawberry ice cream would do for me until Diane would come over and eat it.

I always felt so thankful. ❤ ❤

I remember often thinking "Thank You, Diane!!" when I would be depressed and she would be eating strawberry ice cream back in her room at work. And I would be eating it now too feeling a spark of hope instilled in me because something actually tasted like something in the midst of my deep, dark despair. That little glimpse of what still is, what can be, often kept me going. 

As I mentioned, I was recently depressed and nothing had any flavor. Even my soda does not feel as fizzy when I'm like this. It's like flat even though it's not. 

Depression can do some weird shit. Lol

It's like being in a separate world than everyone else.

Like I mentioned here before about the movie, The Langoliers, when they slip into something like another dimension but not quite, more like a time rip or lapse or something, and everything is bland, not just the taste of food, but the feel of everything. Nothing has rhythm, color, flavor, feeling. Everything is like a cheap imitation of the real thing. The air is dead. It’s disgusting.

But I recently bought strawberry sugar wafers because PINK! (lol can’t go wrong with pink!) and wasn’t expecting to really taste them but I was restless and wanted something to do. I had no desire for food or drink but I ate the wafers anyway and the strawberry struck me and just was/is amazing. Still not the same as if I wasn’t depressed but still, nothing else can touch me like that usually, in a state like this. But strawberry does! 

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I thought instantly of Diane (she’s always on my mind but this brought my conscious awareness to her at that moment) and I came to love strawberry even more, remembering how she loved it and always brought so much love to me even with my depression, I always felt so happy to see and talk to her.

She was so understanding of people with depression and substance addiction and other problems that not everyone understands or cares to understand. 

Oh, sweet Diane! ❤ </3 ❤

I don't know just how I came to find myself propelled into a world without her here with me but I'm so thankful I got to know her in this life.
And so thankful for the memories of strawberry ice cream and her love.

We were friends and worked together for almost ten years but I would have loved her just as much and grieve just as hard if I just met her. Time isn't what matters, the depth of love and connection is what does. But it's a blessing to have known her for nearly a decade. 

She loved Rod Stewart and whenever I hear the song "Rhythm of My Heart," I think of her and it plays so frequently on random shuffle 
when I write about her and it just start playing now! Lol ❤ ❤

Anyway, I just want to write about my experience with Strawberry. 

It's one of the beautiful things and my word this year is Beauty!! 

I hope you, whoever you are, are full of happiness & love & light & joy & inner peace.

If you have what I have (depression) or any problem or condition whether it's just as bad as mine, worse, or not as bad, I hope you have or soon find something that can almost always bring you a sense of joy or comfort or hope, when nothing else seems to. Maybe a song, or a memory, a book, or movie, or quote, or activity, or maybe a certain color or flavor….

I don't just write "much love & light…" often just to end my posts. I truly wish with everything I have that everyone can be happy and feel love for others and feel loved themselves. When I write that, I actually feel it. I don't know who is reading but I know everyone is someone, like me, with hopes and joy and happiness and pain and fears, losses, and the potential for suffering and the potential to evolve and the capacity to love…

And I love you because I know you are someone.

❤

So, much love & light to you, always. ❤

Xoxo Kim 

Grateful <3

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“I’m thankful for a pair of shoes that feel really good on my feet; I like my shoes.
I’m thankful for the birds; I feel like they’re singing just for me when I get up in the morning… Saying, ‘Good morning, John. You made it, John.’
I’m thankful for the sea breeze that feels so good right now, and the scent of jasmine when the sun starts going down.
I’m thankful…”
~Johnny Cash

Today I woke up in a state of deep gratitude. I often live in gratitude but I’m not always as conscious of the depth of it as I was this morning. I woke up early to the sound of cars outside and construction work off in the distance, which I love to hear!

It was so beautiful to hear. And my little pomchi was all curled up sleeping on me. My adorable baby! I was flooded with gratitude for the personalities of my sweet furbabies!
I love cuddly dogs who love to snuggle with me under the blankies!

And I was (still am) very thankful that I was exhausted all day yesterday, with my exhaustion increasing then decreasing off and on. It was hard to work at some points. And today I’m also incredibly exhausted and fatigued. 

I am depressed and have been very depressed for a week now. Last week my depression was severe emotional pain and suicidal inclination. This week I’m not suicidal and it’s not so much emotional pain but lack of energy, food and everything tasting bland, music doesn’t sound as good, my whole body feels heavy…

The reason I am so thankful for this struggle is I used to live like this almost constantly for years, this horrible exhaustion and fatigue and depression. Day after day, year after year.
It would lift occasionally, sometimes even lift for a few months then go back to severe depression.

The fatigue was horrible. I had trouble staying awake at work and in school. I had to take naps all day.

I stuffed myself with junk food, which I’m sure made my fatigue worse and even brought it on sometimes. 

Fatigue and depression was just how I lived. 

But in May 2010, I began to truly get myself better and through the years better and better and now I still have depressive episodes and symptoms sometimes, sometimes even frequently, but they are not as often and they are usually easier for me to handle.  

Like I mention sometimes, depression that I speak of is not a mere mood, attitude, or grim outlook on like. It’s like a Sickness. I can even often, now, separate my attitude and the depression. Just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I can’t be positive about it or even have a sense of happiness with it. Not always, but sometimes. 

And depression isn’t always a low mood even if it usually is. Like now, it’s more physical and other symptoms but I’m not miserable.

Right now, I’m not the happiest girl on Earth like I usually am! Lol But I’m not on the brink of killing myself either like last week!

😀

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Anyway, my couple of days of exhaustion and fatigue, really stood out and because of this I am reminded that  I no longer live this way. It’s so rare now that when it hits, it’s startling.

This is a good thing! I love thinking about how much better I am now.

Even when I’m severely depressed, I’m usually not that fatigued anymore. I appreciate this reminder and it also reminds me to be thankful for unusual things we may often overlook. 

Even though I’m depressed, I’m still overflowing with gratitude, some points it’s so deep. It IS possible to be both depressed and grateful. It’s not always going to happen and the gratitude likely won’t be as deep as when we aren’t depressed but we can still be thankful. 

Here is a truly beautiful song about being grateful for everything, looking on the bright side of life no matter what. ❤

"I've got a heart that can hold love
I've got a mind that can think
There may be times when I lose the light
And let my spirits sink
But I can't stay depressed
When I remember how I'm blessed" ~John Bucchino

Grateful – desktop

Grateful – Sung by John Bucchino -mobile

“Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
Truly blessed
And duly grateful”

😀

Much love & light to you, now & for always. ❤

xoxo Kim  

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy

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“…Getting cards and letters from people I don’t even know
And offers comin’ over the phone
Well, I really don’t mind the rain
And a smile can hide all the pain
But you’re down when you’re ridin’ the train
That’s takin’ the long way
And I dream of the things I’ll do
With a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe
There’ll be a load of compromisin’
On the road to my horizon
But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me”

One of the best songs ever! So sweet & 
inspiring. We can always find our way to the place where the lights are shining on us, whether it’s an outside place like a job or lifestyle we’re longing for or an inside place of joy, simplicity, & inner peace.  

Even if we have next to nothing now, whether materially/financially or are feeling emotionally bankrupt, depressed, hopeless, despairing….with fierce determination, we can eventually see those glittering lights…. And just like in this song, there’s people we don’t even know personally who are or will/would be sending us love & well wishes if they knew of us, our goals, dreams, struggles.

Just look at all the love on social media, the acts of kindness all around us, and all the Earth angels we meet each day. ❤ 

Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell – mobile

Rhinestone Cowboy – desktop

😀

Much love & light to you now & for always,

Xoxo Kim 

Social Signs

You’re a very intelligent & wise woman! I love that! If I knew you in person I would love to be your friend and absolutely love being your bloggy friend. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s very unfortunate that people often aren’t more understanding and accepting and don’t even try to be. That’s the real problem, not Autism, disabilities, differences…themselves, it’s the way people respond to people when they don’t understand something about them. If we would all act in compassion and love and reach out to embrace each other no matter what our differences are, the world would be a much better place. You have great intentions and often work hard to be as great as you can. That’s really all that matters and if people don’t understand or appreciate that, it’s really their problem and not yours even if it’s painful for you to experience their coldness. There’s always people in the world who will understand. ❤ This is a very inspiring post, thank you!! 

autismthoughts's avatarautismthoughts

Most of the time I don’t think about the fact that I have Aspergers. It just is, like being a woman just is. You don’t think about it unless there is a reason to, such as walking into a bathroom. You remember your gender when you see the signs indicating a separation, and you go into the bathroom that corresponds to your gender.

There are signs of separation for socializing too. They may not be as obvious as other signs, but they tell us where to go in social situations. They tell us how to respond to jokes and sarcasm. Sometimes though, for someone with autism, these signs of separation are misunderstood. It’s like accidentally going into the wrong bathroom. You don’t realize you don’t belong until you see the looks on people’s faces or the indications that you made a mistake.

Navigating the social world is hard. I carefully…

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Mala

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Recently, I got a new Mala!
Isn’t it lovely! 
I really love this one! 

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I don’t really care for the fact that it doesn’t have divider beads though! 😦

Oh well, I still love it!

The kind of red coloring is so pretty!

Malas are Buddhist prayer beads.

They are used for Mantra recitation, to generate positive energy and discipline the mind.

There are various mantras associated with different Buddhas.

It’s believed that when we touch the beads and say/think the mantra, the energy goes onto the Mala. 

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The way I practice Mala recitation is in a secular way, I don’t pray to a Buddha to actually answer me. It’s just a peaceful meditative activity that gets our mind in the habit or more in the habit of positive thinking or a positive, peaceful state.  Even if we are already positive and peaceful, it can help us to be calm even more frequently, even in very stressful, depressing, situations later, even when we are not engaging in recitation.

We don’t have to be Buddhists or religious or any specific kind of spiritual to practice Mala recitation and benefit.

The mantra can be recited once a day or all throughout the day, even walking up a street, at a restaurant, in line at a store…whenever we want, wherever we want(as long as it’s safe/appropriate to be concentrating on it, I don’t know about while driving or performing surgery, in a talk therapy session with a patient…). The point is to truly experience it though, not to absent-mindedly engage in it.

The mantra I chose for this Mala is the

Manjushri Mantra,
Om A Ra Pa Ca Na Dhih

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“This mantra is believed to enhance wisdom and improve one’s skills in debating, memory, writing, and other literary abilities. “Dhīḥ” is the seed syllable of the mantra and is chanted with greater emphasis and also repeated a number of times as a Decrescendo.”

“A leads to the insight that the essence of all things is unproduced.
RA leads to the insight that all things are pure and free of defilements.
PA leads to the insight that all dharmas have been “expounded in the ultimate sense.”
CA leads to the insight that the arising and ceasing of things cannot be apprehended because in reality there is no arising or ceasing.
NA leads to the insight that although the names for things change the nature of things behind their names cannot be gained or lost.”

Source: http://www.wildmind.org/mantras/figures/manjushri

Manjushri is a bodhisattva, depicted as a beautiful young prince of transcendent wisdom.

You can hear the mantra said over and over here (mobile) or here (desktop)... It’s so soothing.

Malas typically are strung with 108 beads and divider beads. A mantra session can be performed for all 108 beads at once or less. It’s believed by Buddhists that the energy for the mantra goes on the beads and each recitation session adds more energy. If a different mantra is used for the same Mala, the energy for the previous mantra clears and the new energy goes on. 

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I have five Malas.
I’m not yet in the habit of practicing everyday though like some who are very dedicated.
It can be overwhelming until we truly ingrain the habit.

People who have practiced for many years with the same Mala, often take great care not to have their Mala lost or damaged because there goes all that positive energy, years worth, down the drain! 

But Buddhism/Mala recitation  is all about inner  peace, and all those years of Mala recitation, hopefully, provides them with the strength to handle such misfortune. 

If you want to see about various mantras, check this out!
http://www.thebuddhacenter.org/buddhism/mantras/ 

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If you aren’t into Mala recitation and mantras, this is probably a boring post for you. 

And I love to mostly share things that can be appealing to people in general. 

Unlike what many people say about themselves and their blogs, I don’t mostly post for myself. I do post things for me but my main intention is to help uplift & inspire  others who may come across my content now or later. It will always be here (hopefully!)!
Of course everything I post is something I want to share so in that way it is for me. 

Even if I wanted to post something I thought no one else would care for, I still would post it. I already have but most of it got “likes” anyway! I’m so honored when people like my content.

But I always want to include something that may be more interesting to others.  

So if you opened this post and couldn’t care less, you’re in luck! Lol

Because I will share some fantastic quotes here as well! 

“My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?” ~
Charles M. Schulz

Lol I feel this way often, like I have no specific purpose, but not in a bad way, no need for a purpose, my purpose is just to be. It’s beautiful to feel that way. When I’m depressed sometimes I feel the opposite about it, like I have no purpose and it sucks! Lol It’s all about the attitude! 

“The universe was a vast machine yesterday, it is a hologram today. Who knows that intellectual rattle we’ll be shaking tomorrow. ” ~ R.D. Laing

“A rose is a rose is a rose.” ~ Gertrude Stein

Whaaattt??? Lol 😉

“The present moment is a powerful goddess.” ~ Goethe

“Life is a child playing around your feet, a tool you hold firmly in your grip, a bench you sit down upon in the evening, in your garden.” ~ Jean Anouilh

“The man bent over his guitar,
A shearsman  of sorts. The day was green.
They said, ‘You have a blue guitar,
You do not play things as they are.’
The man replied, ‘Things as they are 
Are changed upon a blue guitar…'” ~ Wallace Stevens 

Such deep wisdom here. 

“Wind moving through grass so that the grass quivers. This moves me with an emotion I don’t even understand.” ~ Katherine Mansfield

This is one of the most beautiful experiences in the world! To witness something so mundane and so simple and be so inspired, filled with immense emotion that can’t even be described, like gratitude, love, beauty, happiness, joy, awe…I feel this often! ❤

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"No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place." ~ Zen saying 

"There is nothing useless in nature; not even uselessness itself." ~ Montaigne

"To the dull mind nature is leaden. To the illuminated mind the whole world burns and sparkles with light." ~ Emerson

Oh yes, it burns and sparkles with passion, light, love….

"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought." ~ Basho

Allow their wisdom to guide us but follow our own way.

"If we achieve satori and the satori shows, like a bit of dogshit stuck on the tip of our nose, that is not so good." ~ Taisen Deshimaru

Lol Don't flaunt that shit! Be humble. Just be.
;-D

So reading this post wasn't a total waste, right?…right?! 

😉

Much love & light to you! 

Xoxo Kim 

My gratitude List!! <3

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I have been slacking with my gratitude lists! Not in my head, I’m always thinking of how thankful I am, but it’s great to write out lists, which I do for a while then stop. Then begin again. On & on..

So here are a few things I’m thankful for today!

1.) The little girl who was outside my house when I was coming home, with her mamma, she’s only like a year old or a little bit older and she was so happy because five of my dogs were in the window looking out! Lol The sweet baby girl can’t really talk much but she was smiling and pointing to show her mom. It was the cutest!  

2.) my coworker – I saw her today when I was out shopping. I did not see her at first but she saw me and said hello. It always brightens my day to see her! ❤

3.) the weather! It's like Winter again! It was just like Spring yesterday! I told you yesterday about March and its mood swings! Lol 😉

4.) the ghost stories I have on my Kindle! And so many more I can't wait to buy! 😀

5.) today 

6.) my dogs! I have a dog, Prince Oscar, who cannot or will not walk up or down steps. We have to carry him. We don't know why. He was like that when we got him. He mostly stays downstairs. But sometimes he wants to come up to my room and get in bed. One night a while ago he wanted water so I took him in the bathroom and let him drink out of a plastic cup I got at the shore in the summer. My other dog, Emmy, saw him getting water that night then Emmy started begging for water upstairs when he can walk downstairs to get it! Spoiled boy! He wakes me in the middle of the night to give him a cup of water when there's a large bowl downstairs. Now my other dog, Woody, started doing the same, begging for water upstairs all night instead of just going down to get it. Lol It's annoyingly cute! 
Or adorably annoying! Lol 

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This is them drinking out of their lemonade cup!
😀

And here is sweet Prince Oscar. 

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He’s a shih tzu. ❤

7.) the color red and my ability to see it. ❤

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8.) Buddhist Malas

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9.) all of my readers/followers here & on facebook. ❤

10.) meeee ❤

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And so much more! What are you thankful for right now? You can let me know or just think about it or maybe create your own list and post it? Don’t forget to include your own beautiful self! 😀

Much love & light to you now & forever. ❤

xoxo Kim