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Always look at the bright side of life

Jun25

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~”Hate has four letters. So does love.
Enemies has seven letters. So does friends.
Lying has five letters. So does truth.
Hurt has four letters. So does heal.”~
“Transform every negative energy into positive energy. It’s your perception that makes the difference.”
Yesterday, something terrible happened(or maybe I’m just being dramatic?)! I deleted my WordPress app on purpose because it wasn’t working for a couple days and I thought maybe deleting it then putting it back on would get it a better connection. But when I went to reinstall it, I saw that it’s no longer available for BlackBerry! And then I saw that my post did go through after I deleted it! So it was working just not good but now that I deleted it I can’t get it back. Imagine my horror and regret! Lol
The blog is a significant part of me. It’s how I mostly share my experiences, life lessons learned, photos, try to uplift or inspire people…
I don’t post everyday, I even sometimes go weeks without posting but I do post a couple posts each month, at least. But in the three years I had the blog, I can’t remember a day not preparing drafts to eventually post. Every single day I’m writing or planning blog posts even when I don’t publish them yet. Everything I learn, I often think about how I can prepare it to post here, every song, every book that inspires me. Every season. I am so inspired to post here. To help or inspire  others.
On the computer I have, there’s some pop up that won’t let me use WordPress.com and I like using my phone better anyway and on my phone it’s nearly impossible without the app. Posting text content is easy, it’s the photos it won’t let me post without a lot of trouble.
I felt a kind of despair yesterday briefly off and on in waves. Going out of my head. But Buddha’s wisdom and light keeps me going! Buddha teaches about non attachment and being blissful no matter what. Buddha would never sink to despair over technology problems or even something as tragic as someone dying or severe physical pain.
He teaches that it’s ok to have material things, friends, family…but to not be dependent on any of it for our happiness or wellbeing. To know and accept that everything we have and everyone we meet, will eventually end somehow. And he teaches us to be the best we can be so we can help all other living beings be more happy and peaceful.
And I draw on his wisdom and strength to lift me and help me help others in any way I can.
You don’t have to be a Buddhist to benefit by his wisdom.
And I am reminded of the above quote. For every negative thing there’s something positive, something to learn. Some way to use the experience to help someone else in some way. We can take the negative energy and put a positive spin on it.
This sucks!
But oh well, it’s done now!
I thought of my WordPress app and how blessed I always felt to have it but it did contribute to me wanting to pull out my hair on occasion! Thing was annoying! It was slow and would post multiple of the same letters in words and was so hard to deal with. And it took up much space on my phone. Sometimes half of my post wouldn’t show up after I hit publish. It wouldn’t let me change the date when it got it wrong.  This is the main reason I did not post as much as I would like to. It did get the job done well in the end though and I miss it now. I miss it terribly. I miss the layout and seeing the little icon on my phone. The colors which I thought were kind of on the boring side.  I miss everything about it and I would take that distress and annoyance it brought me, any day if I could just have it back. I would prefer the annoyances and still have the app. But that’s not the case. I don’t have it and so I will be thankful for the positive things my loss brings with it. Another positive thing – now I have more space on my phone. I would prefer to have less space and have the app but since I can’t have it, I can still celebrate having more storage space!
I can still post here but maybe not many pictures because it seems it only let’s me post one. Pictures make blog posts better I think, especially long blog posts, and I love posting my random inspiration posts with all the photos! Maybe I’ll find a way! I guess if you really, really want something, you let nothing stand in the way.
This also reminds me of Johnathan Huie’s Zero based gratitude idea where instead of comparing what we have to what we had when we had more, we can just be thankful now for everything. Even if we have so much less than we previously had. Who cares what we had and lost? When it’s gone it’s gone.
We can learn and move forward.
I posted about this concept here:
And here is Mr. Huie’s essay:
Also here’s a good song meant to be funny but with a sweet little message about looking on the bright side of life always, no matter how much it sucks.
Mobile:
Desktop:
The singer Monty Python is a comedian and I read he makes fun of religion. I don’t know much about him or his jokes or if they are vicious jokes or just stupid ones and I don’t necessarily agree with all his views or anything.  I’m just promoting his light attitude about looking on the positive side. “Laugh and smile and dance and sing…” he sings. The singer even goes all the way as to encourage us, when we’re dying, to think life is a piece of shit anyway! Lol “Life’s a piece of shit when you look at it…” that way you won’t care so much about dying! Lmao I don’t view life as shit but I hear his message loud & clear!
Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the light side of life.
And there IS a bright side.
Always.
And if not, you can create one.
I hope your night/day is a good one!
❤
Xoxo Kim

The whole world is a garden <3

Jun9

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” If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.” ~ Frances Hodgson Burnett

Everywhere we look, we can find something beautiful even in the ugliness, the darkness, the gray…

It’s up to us to look and find when it doesn’t easily jump out at us.

I hope you are having a beautiful day/night!

Xoxo Kim

Today <3

Apr9

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“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Howard Thurman

Today is a very cold, very gray, beautiful wet day. It’s not exactly raining but everything seems wet. It’s night now but all day was gray and beautiful. It’s very cold, almost like Winter or the end of Fall. It’s bittersweet. I know it’s probably the last day or one of the last days that is cold. I LOVE all four seasons and they all have their blessings and unique qualities. They are all beautiful. I cherish each one and try to always be mindful of the beauty they are. But it’s always Winter inside my heart. In Winter and Fall I rarely wish for warm days. In Summer, there are more days I long for, even crave Winter or Fall. 

I’m soaking up every single bit of wet cold beauty I can today! 
Today on my way to Buddhist meditation class I was astounded by the almost palpable beauty. It was almost as if I could touch it, not touch the beautiful things but touch or hold the beauty itself. Touch or hold the concept, the very essence of beauty. I felt very alive and felt the heartbeat of the city become one with my own, as if throbbing in my chest, pulsing through my veins. I felt it deep in my bones, tingling in every cell of my body. Every breath I took, I felt I was breathing in the sounds, the sights, the scents, the intense beauty of the city. This feeling is not new to me but it always feels new. I feel it often, sometimes immensely, sometimes more quietly, sometimes not at all. But I can never get used to it. Sometimes this feeling, this life inside disappears for so long I am convinced it will never be back again. Then out of the blue, it comes and tightly embraces me like a long lost friend who promises to always come back to me.  

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This feeling has always come naturally to me but with practice and certain experiences, I have come to strengthen it. Sometimes it comes out of the blue, like today. And sometimes I can summon it on my own. 

One thing that I find that helps me deepen this sense of beauty and gratitude and awe of everything around me, is taking pictures/photography.  For people who are interested in capturing beauty in artistic forms like painting, drawing, or photography, whether as a hobby or professional career, it can be easier to see, feel, taste the beauty all around because our brains get trained to see things and look for things to capture in a photo or painting or drawing. Then even when we’re not out looking, even when we are without our phones or cameras or paints and pencils, these little gems jump out at us. The more interested I have become in taking pictures, the more developed my sense of awe has become. I originally loved taking pictures because I feel so much beauty and want to capture & share it, but then picture taking only enhanced that feeling of awe in me.

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Photography, painting, drawing, writing…. can all capture simple beauty in a way that makes it stand out more than it does in “real life.” I think many of us generally overlook very simple, very mundane things such as reflections, shadows, a sliver of light creeping through the slit as a result of a door on a dark room being ajar when the hall or other room outside is lit. We often stand in awe or deep appreciation of something dramatically beautiful such as bright, colorful flowers, a beautiful woman in a wedding dress on her wedding day or in stiletto heels and tight blue jeans walking down a street, a dramatic sunset over the ocean waves while lounging on a beach, a baby who is just born, an expensive mansion, an exotic animal, amazing looking food, an incredible looking car, an elegant dress, a flashing diamond ring,…you get the picture! But how often do we look in wonder at a shadow on a ground, maybe a shadow of a tree or person, the way sunlight reflects on signs or cars, the fuzz on a honeybee, the gentle illumination of street lights on a dark street at night, tattered signs, faded poles at busstops with the bus numbers on them, old pay phones, broken glass glittering in the daylight against concrete, an empty beer bottle resting in vibrant green glass, a lemon floating in iced tea, glistening ice cubes chilling a cup of soda….for many, it’s probably never or extremely rarely. But in photography, paintings, drawings, and writing like poetry or novels or descriptions, these things can be beautifully captured and portrayed in artistic forms that can’t help but force us to see, notice, feel the beauty of them, these things we tend to ignore in real life outside of artistic creations. 

And for people who engage in these activities, they can help us further ingrain our habit of seeing and feeling the beauty in real life outside of poetry and novels and photos and paintings or drawings. They help deepen our wonder at the things our eyes and hearts catch. They make it easier for simple treasures to jump out at us as we’re walking up a city street, sitting quietly at a riverside, driving on a busy expressway, meditatively peering out a bus window on a dreary gray day or a green day with life blossoming all around. 

But not everyone is interested in photography or painting, writing, or drawing. Whatever you’re interested in though, it’s fantastic to pursue it, engage in it, get lost in it and let it reel you in. This can bring you to life, fill you with passion for all of life, enthuse you in general. When we are so happy and passionate in one aspect of life, it can carry over into other aspects, even ones that aren’t so great at the moment. It’s like falling in love or having a big crush. You know the intoxicated feeling when you meet someone you are very attracted to or seeing someone you are in love with? That feeling carries over to everywhere and suddenly life is amazing in ways you never really noticed or forgot about…it can be like this even if we aren’t in love with someone. It’s falling in love with life itself. 

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We don’t need “big” things, lots of money, kids, or romantic love to feel this way often. These things are great too but we don’t need them to be in love with life. All we have to do is open our eyes, heart, and look, see, feel, stop ignoring the simple things, the mundane things, the blessings surrounding us always. You don’t have to be a photographer, a painter, or an artist of any kind. 

“Such a feelin’s comin’ over me
There is wonder in most every thing I see
Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes
And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream
Everything I want the world to be
Is now comin’ true especially for me” ~ the Carpenters 

Imagine feeling this way everyday or at least very often or even just more often than now.

It’s possible.  

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Isn’t this beautiful?! It just goes to show how someone can inspire us and we can see life through that person’s eyes every now and then even if we aren’t interested in the same things. We can feed off of the passion, life, enthusiasm of others. This police officer is deeply inspired by his wife who is a painter with a passionate thirst for life, and while at work, he wishes she was there. This is out of a fiction book I’m reading called “First Do No Evil,” Book 1 in a series by Dr. Carey Baldwin who is an author, a medical doctor/family doctor, and has like two ph.d’s as well, she’s a wife and mother of multiple children. Ummm…is she like Wonder Woman?! I read Book 2 in this series already, not realizing it’s a series. They can be read together or separately and in any order and still make sense. The same characters appear in the books and there’s some subtle references to other books but the author makes it still make sense just to read one individually. She’s an amazing writer of mystery books. It seems most of her books are about doctors. Usually her main characters are a very strong,
beautiful, compassionate, loving, and broken woman who is 30 something years old, has a very painful past, a medical degree, and gets into trouble like is being stalked and needs help. I love her characters and how much depth they have. They are so realistic. And she’s a doc herself so she knows her stuff! Her novels involve romance, mystery, adventure, and healing. They also involve humor, sometimes I laugh hysterically, uncontrollably. They contain adult content in certain scenes. Very vulgar language at some points, and hot sexy scenes, definitely only for adults. Amazing plots, characters, and endings!

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Let’s remember to allow others to inspire us and remember to be the inspiration to anyone we can!

I hope you are having a wonderful day or night wherever you are! Much love to you!

Xoxo Kim

Spring is in the air! <3

Mar20

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But not really!

Today is the first day of Spring!

And this is what we get!

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(this pic showed up by accident but he’s cute so I’m leaving it – he’s my baby, Woody, almost eight months old!)

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What a hilarious joke it seems the uni-verse has played on us! 😀

Lol it looks like Winter is milking it for all it’s worth, going to snow and be All frigid until the last second it possibly can!

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I love it! I’m so so happy it will be warm soon! And life will
Blossom
all around! Green & flowers and a floral fragrance in the air! 

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Google flowers! @—}—-}

But I’m so happy for one last snow blizzard until Winter/the end of Fall comes again! Yay! 

It’s a Winter Wonderland today and I walked in it to get my mom a coffee! It was beautiful but eventually my head was throbbing terribly because of the cold, I thought I would pass out. Or die. Lol ok, not really die but it was almost as painful as brain freeze when I eat ice cream too quickly! 

The quote in my daily quote book for today, March 20th is:

“If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we’d have a pretty good time.” ~ Edith Wharton

Isn’t this so true?! How often have you heard someone say or have you said or thought yourself something like “when it’s warm/hot outside and I can go on vacation, I will be happier, when I lose 20 pounds I will be happier, this weekend I will be happy, when I have kids I will be happy, when I find true love or get married I will be happy, when I grow up/get older, graduate college, get better grades, I will be happy, when I get a job or another job I will be happy, when I have more money I will be happy, when I have a place of my own I will be happy…?”

I’m definitely not innocent of thoughts like that occasionally, thoughts like “when…..then I will be happier.” While I’m often mindful of and happy right now, there are definitely occasions I begin to think I need more or “should” have more. And then it leads to a very low feeling, negative comparisons to others, or even a full blown depression. 

But the truth is, we can be happy now. Let go of the conditional happiness concept and living too much in the future. Let go and allow the beauty and joy of right Now to seep into our essence and soak it all up! Be happy now!

The external things that we think can lead to happiness or can bring us fleeting happiness will not last very long and are not necessarily as purely blissful as we think they are. Warm weather comes then leaves eventually and we’re stuck in the bitter cold, vacations end and we have to come back to reality, people can leave us, we can put weight back on after the hard work losing it, fashion trends eventually end after buying all those expensive clothes, people die of heatstroke and exhaustion in the Summer, freeze to death in Winter, suffer with horrible allergies in Spring & Fall, are used for money and have lots of financial management when they are financially rich, have the pressure of having to keep up their grades when they have a perfect gpa, even great things like kids and relationships and money, a great job,….come with consequences that aren’t always pure bliss, the thing is to practice and learn to be happy NOW or at least in general under any circumstances. 

Pay attention to the gifts right before our very eyes. It’s great to have relationships with others, have kids, get a new job, shop for new clothes, experience the seasons, have money, get amazing grades in school…but we don’t need those things to have a sense of happiness or self worth. They can bring us certain joys and a certain kind of happiness and blessings we won’t have without them but we can also have joy and true happiness and blessings without them. They complement our happiness and our self, not complete us.

There are great things and drawbacks to just about  every stage and phase and season of life. Let’s cherish them all and appreciate now!

Coincidentally this is what we talked about and meditated upon in class last night. Then today that is the quote for this day!

Also, I read that today brings with it a Super New Moon, a Total Solar Eclipse, and the Spring Equinox! All of which symbolize new beginnings! A perfect reminder that no matter what happened, no matter how stuck or depressed, or broken we are or have been, there is new hope and a blank slate to turn around and begin again! And we can begin right Now! ❤

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Much love to you! ❤

Xoxo Kim

The simple, unidentified moments <3

Mar17

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“‘Well,’ said Pooh, ‘what I like best,’ and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”~A.A. Milne ❤

This is a very thought-provoking quote and concept! I love it! I wonder how many little pleasurable and joyous, unidentified moments we experience

and never even consciously realize it!

 

Eating Honey and taking pleasure in it is one of the simplest pleasures in life. Just sitting and savoring the delicious sweetness. But there’s even simpler and more overlooked/taken for granted moments that surround the joyous simple moments. Like the sweet anticipation right before something amazing (like eating honey) happens. And the warm afterglow of something

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we experience. 

The rattling of a vehicle on a cobblestone street before getting to the destination, the yellow brightness and calm just before a storm, the warmth that permeates after receiving a sweet compliment or word of encouragement, the feeling of walking to a beach before running into the ocean, that moment in a restaurant before the mouthwatering food hits the table, the days before Christmas, the moments unwrapping gifts and watching someone else open a gift, walking out of a restaurant laughing with friends/family, the thrill of looking at an ice cream sundae just before eating it, sitting in a movie theatre when the movie just begins and the names and things are flashing across the screen and the thrill for the movie about to begin, the moments before getting a body piercing (I used to love getting them) and the scents of the place, the moment just before eating a lemon or blueberries and my mouth feels sour before even tasting the fruit, the incredible joy of getting a new book, the fullness & emptiness when it ends, the way the mouth waters before eating something delicious,
The feeling of helping someone,
the days just before Fall when the first slightest chill hits the air, the feeling of the first warm days after the Winter comes to an End, the chills an amazing song can provoke…

The simpler moments surrounding the “actual thing” can be just as amazing, even more amazing than the actual thing!

Some moments can’t be reconstructed. 
One day in the Winter I was at work on a cold, slow night and my lips were very dried out and hurting. I put lip medicine on and was drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream and eating a bag of chips. The salt hurt my lips more and the taste blended with the taste of my lip medicine. So it was like a medicine-y saltiness. With a little sting in my lips. 

I realized that I actually liked the experience. It seemed so simple, so accidental, something I can never “make happen” and would just be weird if I tried. I don’t want my lips to be dried and hurting (it’s super annoying) and I’m not  masochistic so I’m not going to bring it on myself. I also don’t want lip medicine mixed with my food but it just happened that way. What a pleasant memory.

Many of my most pleasant memories involve the feelings of the unidentified moments but I never realized it like this. 

This quote awakens me to the fact that there are so many, many moments we love, feel joy, or pleasure about, incredibly simple moments that are so fleeting, we may completely overlook. We can come to cherish these moments, not just feel the thrill, savor them, acknowledge them, give thanks for them, honor them. ❤

Thanks Winnie the Pooh! 😀

Xoxo Kim

Wherever you go, go with all your heart <3

Mar16

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“She’s got a light around her
And ev’rywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her ev’rywhere” ~ Billy Joel

On Saturday I attended a three hour workshop at the Buddhist center I go to and we made Buddhist malas! I’m going to write about those in another post. The workshop inspired me in so many ways. 

Mala beads are beads on a string (similar to Catholic rosaries and ones found in other religions). They are used for recitation of positive mantras to calm or quiet the mind and just to get us in the habit of positive thinking/feeling and stillness. 

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“Let the beauty we love be what we do.” ~ Rumi ❤

 😀

One of the things that struck me and is the inspiration for this post is the instructor’s passion, wonder, and love for the topic of her teachings.

I met her before, her name is Eve, she’s a Buddhist. A lay Buddhist teacher/student. She’s very loving and friendly and funny too, and a musician! 

Her love for her work or the way she conveys her love, to me, seems very rare. It’s like at every second she’s conscious of it.  It reminds me of a professor I had in college, Dr. Ward. All of my professors/instructors, that I remember in college, showed interest, many even passion and love, for the work they were teaching and studying. That’s very likely why they were teaching and studying it. They have some sort of interest in or passion for it. Love and passion for work isn’t rare; there are many people who are absolutely in love with what they do. And unfortunately there are too many people who feel that their work is life draining and like it’s just a dead end job. 

But Dr. Ward, a neuroscientist and my professor for some class about the brain, expressed her passion and love in a different way than I have ever seen before. It actually wasn’t even “expression” necessarily, what I remember is her BEING. Light. Her whole state of existence in the class was love for her subject.

 It’s difficult to explain in words. And what I remember is a quiet but fierce kind of love for her work and the topic of Neuroscience. I would see her warmly smiling to herself often as she was writing on the chalkboard and just her movements displayed a kind of awe of her work and the topic. 
Sometimes she would even shake her head and chuckle in wonder even over the bland-est of details and tasks.
A topic she was teaching over and over, studying year after year after year. It never got old. 

I sensed that she loved/loves not just what she was teaching and studying but the very process of teaching and studying it, every word she wrote on the chalkboard, she wrote carefully, as if mindfully loving the process itself, not merely writing to get to the end, out of an obligation to teach us, or to get out of class as soon as possible. Not even like she was so into what she was doing, like some people can get writing quickly and passionately, she would write and teach as if she was mindfully taking in every moment and loving it.  
 She was cherishing everything involved.   It is beyond just passion. It’s like complete adoration. 

Almost the way a mother feels for her child. Have you ever seen a mom gently stroke her child’s hair or cheek and warmly smile? It’s a passionate, fierce kind of love but also very gentle. And everyone witnessing can feel that love just oozing into the breath of the world around. Or have you ever seen a photo of people, family, a parent/child, lovers, best friends, people and their pets and the photo captures love so well, it just IS love?  The people/animals in the photos just ARE love…

In Dr. Ward’s class, I often felt that the topic of Neuroscience itself was almost something tangible to be gently and lovingly stroked by someone who completely adores and loves it.
It was like she brought it alive. Like her love for it manifested it into tangible existence. She seemed to regard it with reverence. 

Neuroscience is definitely interesting in some aspects but it’s not my absolute favorite topic. 
It can be kind of dry. I can hardly remember the details of nerves, synapses, brain parts and stuff.
It’s awe-inspiring for sure, the way the body works. I love to think and read about it. Some aspects are fascinating.
But I won’t be reading about it very frequently. 
This subject is just not at the very top of my list of favorites, the way Philosophy as a whole topic is. Philosophy is my passion. My love.  Not necessarily as a career/job goal but as a hobby to read and write about.  And neuroscience involves philosophy.
Everything does. Philosophy is everywhere.
Omnipresent.

Also, the doctor and her colleagues did tests on animals, mostly rats, and sometimes they had to kill them, which they claimed was “humane” in the killing method they chose. And she said they weren’t suffering as a result of the brain experiments they did on them, they made sure they were as “comfortable” as possible.
Experimenting on and killing innocent rats, It’s not my cup of tea.
But I liked the class and her.

One of the only things that stands out to me about that class all these years later is the professor’s love for her work. Not just her love, like I said, most of the professors seemed to love their subjects, it was the way I noticed her love it. The way she would embody love. Just the way she loves. (This isn’t to say other people do not love their work and subject the same way and just as much, it’s just that some people’s existence just emits love & light either in general or for a specific thing, in a more noticeable way to some people. I was more receptive of hers for her work, maybe someone else would be more receptive of someone else’s. And there’s other aspects of life to be loving with than work, I meet many loving people in various aspects! )

That and the fact that she had/has a human brain collection in her basement and brought one in, along with a spinal cord, for us to hold. She’s a brain researcher, studying brains and the nervous system. I wrote about her and her brain collection here before. When they were through with the brains, she would keep them for her own amusement. Lol

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The brain I held in my hands was beautiful in every way. In the way it looked, felt, in the way it worked when it was alive, in the way it still had purpose even after the woman’s death who once lived with that brain. And the spinal cord was beautiful as well, the color, the texture, the feel, the purpose it served to the living person and the purpose it served after the death of the person. I am extremely blessed that I got to hold them in my hands. Some students refused to touch them.  It wasn’t required as part of the class, it was just for our own pleasure. 

Dr. Ward’s love for her work seemed to me to go beyond mere interest, beyond passion, even. Like I said, just utter adoration and awe. It wasn’t the words she spoke but the way she moved, her tones, her gestures, and expressions. Her state of being. Her light. 

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The teacher we had Saturday displayed that very same kind of love during our workshop and it took me back to those days in Dr. Ward’s class all those years ago. The teacher, Eve’s, love is so uplifting and powerful just to be in the presence of. It reminds me to be love in everything I do. 

In Dr. Ward’s class I learned a lot of facts. Some incredibly interesting that I still remember, with wonder and pleasure today, some not so interesting, most which completely escape my mind today. 

But the most valuable thing I learned in that class isn’t something academic or intellectual. It’s not about neuroscience. I got like a C or C – in that class and had to do extra credit work just to get basically the lowest passing grade, which is C-. What I was awakened to in that class is wisdom, not intelligence. 

The most valuable lesson I learned in the class is to love in everything I do, and not just love and express love but be that love. Be in the state of love. Be mindful of the love coursing through my veins even if there seems to be nothing and no one before me to bestow it upon. Just bask in my own loving presence. 

I want to be that kind of love not just for my work but in everything I do in this life. 

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“Be love. Be so much love that when others are with you they are love too.”

Be mindful of the journey and not in a hurry to get to the destination. And not just be loving in our work but loving in everything we do even if we would prefer to be doing something else. Even if it’s a task that doesn’t hold our interest. Be mindful of the fact that whatever it is, it’s likely leading to something necessary or good. A boring long drive is getting you to where you have to go. A boring class or stressful day at work is getting you paid or credits you need.
A seemingly pointless hassle may be teaching you a lesson you will later come to realize. Maybe patience or strength or love…
Experiencing even unpleasant things is an indication that we are alive. Cherish it. 

And be loving and mindful of the love with people we are around, whether we know and like them or not. Be loving with pets, friends, family, strangers, all sentient beings, all living things. Love to love, not merely to be loved. Be loving even through pain, grief, despair, anger. Be loving through happiness and joy. 

Be grateful for the purpose that things serve.

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“Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.” ~
Markus Zusak

Even if we feel that we can’t or won’t BE love everywhere, then it’s good to BE love in certain aspects of life, if you won’t be loving at work, be at home. If you won’t be loving at home then be at work or with your favorite fun activity or in general.  Be love in your relation to your own self.  We all have love in us but it’s not always at our surface, readily available. Sometimes other things are more prominent at that moment, like anger, boredom, exhaustion, agitation, grief, depression, anxiety, fear, the desire to be right, tiredness, numbness, wishing for something else, jealousy, ignorance, just a lack of passion, a feeling of monotony…

But we can learn to tap into that love more often, summon those loving feelings when we realize we are currently not consciously experiencing it. 

Be love in the most simplest and mundane tasks. Washing our clothes, brushing our teeth, shower….and we will become even deeper love. We will train our brains to be even more loving and happier doing things we would prefer not to have to do. And just doing everyday tasks that are usually no big thrill. 

Dr. Ward’s love for her work and Neuroscience inspired me and still inspires me.  Not to love Neuroscience. This isn’t one of those amazing stories where a teacher inspires a student to fall in love with a subject she never had one ounce of interest in then she grows up and becomes a teacher herself for that very subject. 

I’ll never be a neuroscientist. 

This is my story of how a teacher’s (whether the person is a school teacher, college professor or instructor, or a religious teacher…) love can inspire love in general. And not just a teacher but anyone. You, me, a child or a very old person, a homeless person, a rich person, your neighbor, friend, or sister…anyone.  

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“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” ~Confucius

I will be love everywhere I go. 

Doesn’t this lesson seem even more valuable than any school degree? I think so! It took me a while to learn to apply and practice this life lesson. Sometimes we experience something but do not process it or realize it for many years later. I noticed back then her awe-provoking love for her work and I was inspired but I did not always try to emulate it consciously in most of the things I do.  I’m very thankful for the Buddhist teacher’s reminder on Saturday. She reminded me not in what she said but in all that she IS.

“Whatever you are, be a good one.”

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Sometimes the best reminders and examples are not verbal ones. We are influencing and inspiring and teaching each other in the ways that we live, move, talk, and just in the way we are.

Much love to you. ❤

Xoxo Kim ❤

p.s. I have/have had other professors/teachers/people who inspire me just as much in similar/various ways and they will be in some of my future posts! 😀 ❤

Stepping out of our ruts

Mar7

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I was working on a blog post today about positive thinking and handling difficult situations and it turned out much longer and more disorganized than I intended.

So I decided to save it for a while and do a different post today.
I have a book of positive quotes, one for each day of the year. I decided to look at March 7th since that’s today and guess what?!

It’s about the very topic I was attempting to write about today! What a coincidence! There it goes again that law of attraction at play! Lol ;-D

So here’s the quote:

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck

Did you know that a problem, even a tragic, devastating one can lead us to something better than if we never had that problem? 

It’s true!

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“To me, photography is an art of observation. It’s about finding something interesting in an ordinary place…I’ve found it has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them.” ~
Elliott Erwitt

One example I have is my depressive condition. My depressive disorder is the catalyst for positive change and I am much better, in general, than I would have been if I never experienced the disorder. While I still plummet to the lowest depths of despair, I believe in the middle of episodes, I am better than I would have been if I never knew such pain. I work on myself constantly and have equipped myself with skills to help in any situation that seems unpleasant. I learned about meditation, gratitude lists, appreciative living techniques, and other things that can help anyone, not just depressed people. And that’s how I got this blog!  I wouldn’t have discovered all this if not for my quest to heal my depression I would still be happy but just not like this. Depression sucks but all we can do is cope with it and be even better for it!

Another example is my currently incurable
 pain disorder which causes wretched cluster-like headaches and other horrible physical pain. These headaches, no one can ever imagine the terrible pain involved like being burned alive and the terrible ache involved. I would take a kidney stone and a million broken bones anyday over this. But like my depression, these “headaches” have inspired me to notice the beauty all around me in a deeper way than before. Right before a headache gets to the point it’s unbearable, I begin to notice beauty in a way I never did before the headaches. They start out almost unbearable then escalate to literally unbearable. And before they get to be unbearable, I see the smallest simplest things most of us never notice. Like reflections bouncing off of objects, little beads of moisture on soda or water bottles, or someone’s shoulder in the scorching summer sun.
Sunlight dancing upon someone’s beautiful hair, the sounds of water drops….i can’t take as much pleasure as if I wasn’t having a headache but I wouldn’t have noticed these things as deeply as if I never had the recurrent headaches and it took a few for me to realize.
Then when they end I am still aware of the beauty and can take full pleasure. Even on days I don’t have these headaches of horror, I see simple beauty in a deep way. 

“Suddenly – life has new meaning to me.
There’s beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up and suddenly you’re in love.” ~ Billy Ocean

There’s so much beauty we take for granted. Cliche and oh so very true. 

One warm summer day some years ago a headache hit me so hard and suddenly, unexpectedly as they usually do. I fell back onto my bed in my bedroom, clutching the side of my face. I was destroyed. My life was over, or so it felt.  I knew it was going to get much worse as I have had many before. I couldn’t believe the terror that was and that horror that was to come. And I looked up at my soda bottle. I saw something I have seen countless moments before, year after year after year and thought nothing of. But this moment, it struck me. The beauty of it, I almost had to shield my eyes against the startling beauty. I was awestruck and struck with remorse for overlooking it all these years.

Little beads of moisture streaming down the bottle, glistening and screaming, pounding into my brain and piercing the pupils of my eyes. As if to scream at me “Look at us! We’re here!” Pretty soon the headache completely took over and everything around me completely disappeared. I was engulfed by mind blasting shots of physical agony piercing my very essence. 

Then when I woke up, I was changed. 
I was reborn. I began to see a forgotten world of astounding beauty I have never truly laid eyes on before. Or I have and did not know it.  I still have those headaches and each one is a reminder to acknowledge the beauty, overlooked and ignored. The simplest of all the pleasures in this life.

Here is my post on the suicide/cluster/cluster-like headaches if anyone is interested in it. It’s very long, you can just skim through it if you want. It took a lot of strength to write. 

 https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/on-pain-suicide-headaches-prevailing/

And here is a post about my goal each day:

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/small-things-forgotten/

Think of all your problems no matter how seemingly serious or seemingly trivial. List them all. What can they teach you? How can they strengthen you? How can you use them to your advantage to awaken the wisdom in you? And if you can’t yet think of anything, make something up! Create something.

Let’s take a very trivial but annoying problem for example, being stuck in traffic. It can teach you patience, compassion for others who annoy you, you can practice meditation while not driving…and if not then you can make it a point to go home later and do something positive to “make up” for that minor but really annoying inconvenience even if that positive thing has nothing to do with it. Like donate money to a positive organization to help others, exercise, make it a point to warmly smile at someone you wouldn’t usually.
Don’t let those problems be in vain! Get creative!

;-D

Much love to you,

Xoxo Kim  ❤

Rainbows & Stars

Oct15

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“When it rains look for rainbows, when it’s dark look for stars.”

So, I stumbled upon this lovely quote today! And it happens to be dark, dreary, and rainy as I write this. Lol My very favorite kind of day!

To me, chilled, dark rainy days are not gloomy and depressing as many seem to feel. I LOVE these kinds of days. They awaken something lovely inside me. I also love sunny, warm, days with clear blue skies and fluffy white clouds! I love it all. All four seasons I am blessed to know all year long.

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I complain about the weather on occasion, I confess. Lol I don’t care much to admit it but I do.  I wish I can say I *never* complain about something as stupid as the weather and I can  say that!  But it would be a lie. Lol And since that truth is kind of relevant to this post, I am here to admit it! ;-D And I’m generally very open and honest about myself. 

There are days it’s hot and I wish it were cold. There’s cold days I wish it were hot or warm(although rarely!). I don’t think there’s ever a rainy day I wish it weren’t raining though! Bring on the rain any day! It’s the same with snow! I love it! I love diversity though so it’s great that all days aren’t rainy or snowy.

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But, this quote is a beautiful and simple reminder to appreciate the things that are going well even in the midst of negativity and pain. Some situations in this life seem overwhelming and unbearable and sometimes it may seem that even if there’s good things, the bad things are currently outweighing the good. But we can’t always change our current situation immediately.

Even if the unpleasant things seem to be more deeper or prominent or frequent than the pleasant things, we can still make a conscious decision to focus more on them when we can’t change the negativity or pain or unpleasantness right away.

This develops and strengthens our habit of appreciating everything we have no matter how big or small or simple. 

This ability is like a muscle. The more we work at it, the stronger it becomes. And even after it’s developed, it must be maintained so it doesn’t diminish. We have to practice, practice, practice even when we don’t feel much like it. Just like if you build your muscles. You can’t do all that work, develop a six pack, then stop and expect it to stay! It has to become your way of life.

It’s the same with positive mental habits. And negative ones too. The more you give in and complain and over-focus on the negativity, the stronger your negative habit becomes and the stronger the hold is it has over you. 

But negative habits can be replaced and overcome!

Of course, we have to tend to and think about unpleasant things and healthy venting is often necessary but we don’t have to dwell on it. 

Even in the throes of tragedy, depression, physical illness, pain of any kind, grief and loss, serious distress, this habit can be cultivated and maintained. It will not cure our problems, take away all of the pain, but it will help us cope and see the sunny side of things or at least see the sunlight seeping through the dark rain clouds even when the situation itself has no sunny side. Metaphors, I love them! Lol 😀

It was also raining a few days ago and I got some photos of the rain! As best as I can with just a phone’s (and a broken phone 😦 ) camera.

I have been feeling my creativity blooming again. I get these “things” every now and again where I’m so incredibly inspired to do something but don’t know what or how. It seems to come more when I meditate more frequently. Or read certain things. Sometimes it just comes out of the blue. I’m currently reading a novel (mystery) about a mysterious painter. I have a feeling it’s inspiring me on some unconscious level! 

I want to create create create! Photos, paintings, poetry, writing….anything!

My wonderful phone (even though these phones break so easily and quickly like inside for seemingly no reason, they are still wonderful phones, blackberry z10) has amazing photo apps which allow me to use bokeh effects, various other effects, and text on pictures, and much more and this sparks my creativity even more. I never thought of myself as creative but I think we are all creative to some extent, in some way, some more than others and some people are more in touch with their creative side. For some it comes so naturally and so easily, it’s ridiculous. (jealous) lol! 😀

But some of us have to struggle hard to find even just a thin sliver of our creativity. (That’s usually me) oh well!   🙂

But I’m so thrilled when I get fun ideas and plans and actually execute them even when they aren’t the most beautiful creations. Creativity is another “muscle” we must keep nourishing to keep it strengthened and maintained.

Even if you don’t feel very creative or have many ideas, you can just put pen or paint to paper or take photos and see what happens! It can become easier and easier and more conscious. And creativity isn’t just for artistic stuff, it can be cresting or finding solutions to problems or anything!

I hope this quote is a sweet reminder for you to look around, look within, look up and always see, feel those rainbows and stars even through the hazy fog and darkness. 

Xoxo Kim 😀

Surrender to Universal Love <3

Jun22

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“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” ~ Mayor John Pappas (“City Hall” movie quote)

I have written here often about my struggle with a Depressive Disorder and my journey of healing and remission, suicidal thoughts and contemplation.

My recent post “A Hope in Hell” is about it.

As I mentioned I suffer recurrent episodes, usually for what seems like no reason but sometimes triggered by some environmental issue and even when the trigger is over, I’m already stuck in the depression and it’s no longer about that. Usually that’s not the case though. Sometimes I like to use environmental things as the scapegoats though because it can seem easier to have a reason for being depressed than being depressed “just because.” But the truth is, it’s usually just because. Because I have a chronic condition. A lifelong condition that must be managed and coped with. The initial onset was probably triggered by one or a couple environmental issue/s but even when those issues are no longer issues or not as bad, the damage is done. And it runs in my family.

And some days it’s better to know it’s “just because” because then I’m reminded it’s an illness and I’m better able to hold on and cope til it lifts and do what I have to to get myself better knowing that while I feel worthless and like there’s no purpose in anything, it’s not true, it’s just the illness deceiving me. And when there’s no pleasure in anything I can remind myself it’s because of my condition and I will again find the joy and pleasure I often feel. I find a healthy balance of acknowledging it as the sickness it is but also knowing I have some control of how to react to and cope with it. I can still empower myself even with a chronic illness such as Depression.

Sometimes I have real problems but I know they are not what are depressing me. 
Sometimes I think they are what is depressing me and later realize it wasn’t really the problems; they were just an easy excuse.
And sometimes it seems everything is going well but it’s still there hanging over me and dwelling within.  Like it’s not connected to anything on Earth and that’s usually the worst.

I no longer have the general depression in the middle of each severe flare up, usually, like I used to and severe episodes aren’t as frequent as they used to be. But they do occur and when they do, it can get bad.

As I also mentioned for nearly fourteen years until October, 2012, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and contemplation, in different degrees, almost everyday, without exaggeration. Serious urges, thoughts, contemplation, usually for hours on end day in and day out. When I turned twenty-one years old, I was able to go for three weeks sometimes, although not often, then eventually three months, then four months, throughout the years, without serious suicidal thoughts or contemplation. But after the three or four months, it would come back to stay until another extremely rare “episode” (interval in the middle of suicidal depressive episodes) of a few months/weeks without death urges would occur.

Usually I couldn’t even go that long though without them. But through the years I worked on my inner self to help me prevent impending episodes and cope much better when I can’t prevent them. Meditation, positive quotes, inspirational songs and lyrics, gratitude activities, various techniques….all help me greatly because I made them a habit. They are ingrained into me now to help me immensely, not cure me or pull me out of a serious depression but help me cope when it gets bad or prevent some episodes before they get bad to where I can’t get out of it for weeks or months.

In October 2012 I had my last serious suicidal thought/urge/contemplation until last month, May 2014! One year and seven months without death urges and serious thoughts of terminating my life! That’s longer than I ever dreamed I would be able to go without having serious thoughts of ending my own life.

I still suffered severe episodes of depression since October 2012 and felt suicidal thoughts/urges trying to emerge every now and again but I was able to keep them under control for the most part.

I’m sorry to say I had a bad relapse recently but it’s true, I did and there’s no denying it. But one year and seven months is a great accomplishment for me. For someone who was dangerously suicidal almost everyday for nearly fourteen years. And I know it’s in me now to do that again, maybe even longer.

So instead of viewing this relapse in a negative way and seeing it as me failing, I will view it in a more positive light as a great accomplishment and knowing I have it in me to live for over one year with no serious suicidal thoughts and urges/contemplation. I never knew I can go that long without those urges and serious thoughts. They were always so much an integral part of me.

My positive habits and life philosophy that is ingrained into me are still with me, etched upon my heart forever but depression is like an illness and it can still get so bad. The positive habits, techniques, and philosophy I live every day are no cure but they’re helping me cope when it’s bad and just be happier and more joyous in general.

Sometimes I get depressed and it’s a heaviness weighing on my life, my body, squeezing my insides and I struggle with feelings of inherent worthlessness and a general sense of hopelessness even when I’m not struggling with or hopeless about any specific problem.

Sometimes I know I can accomplish things just as well as anyone, I know I am blessed, I know I have so much, I know environmental problems will end, I even have basically good self esteem, but still, I’m depressed and want to die. I am well aware people around the world have “worse problems” but reminding me of that often serves to worsen my guilt and depression, not lessen it.

I don’t get suicidal easily over things people say to me and little things that happen in my environment. It’s no one’s fault and even if someone says or does something negative to me and I kill myself after that, that will still be no one’s fault. It’s a sickness. Although sometimes when I’m depressed I don’t realize it’s a sickness and just believe I’m inherently flawed and must escape this life.

I felt this way for weeks, recently. The episode started out as they usually do. Slow and mild. Those are the ones that usually last for weeks or months. Sometimes I’m hit hard with depression and it’s severe, right off, without beginning as mild then getting worse. It’s bad right away, it hits hard, almost physical, like something hard and heavy slamming into my whole body. The darkness takes over me and I am overwhelmed in complete despair and blackness. Sometimes I have to succumb to my bed or sit down somewhere if I’m not at home when it hits, until the heaviest part of the darkness eases enough for me to move again. 
This was a great struggle for me in college, I would miss classes, be late, fail exams, have to lay or sit somewhere and just not be able to get back up until way later.
Those ones that come on so fast and hit hard like that, usually only last a few hours or days though, when they come on quickly like that. They aren’t considered by professionals as “clinical” or “major” episodes since they last less than two weeks but they can feel just as bad and be just as dangerous.

This one started out slow and mild and gradually got worse. And lasted just over one month.

I lost interest in almost everything. I mostly avoided most things that I do for fun, like posting here and other places. I mostly just did things I have to do like work, shower, brushing teeth…most of which felt like life draining hassles. I did still read a lot though, light reading, mostly, so I wouldn’t have to concentrate much, nothing that required much thought usually.

In my recent post, “A Hope in Hell,” I stated that a specific, distressing incident triggered the bad episode and relapse of suicidal urges and thoughts and contemplation.

Last month I was crossing a busy street with lots of traffic, cars and trucks speeding. I saw a caterpillar crossing the street as well. They are very difficult to pick up. They slide out of my hands, constantly moving. I try to rescue them and other insects/kreepy krawlers whenever I can, putting them in grass so they won’t be stepped on by accident or intentionally. 

I’m afraid when I pick them up though,that they will be so scared they’ll have a heart attack and die. So I’m so afraid to put them in my hands for that reason. I was crossing the street weeks ago and wanted desperately to pick up the caterpillar so s/he wouldn’t be crushed by a car. But the light was changing and as I said, it’s a busy street and big with traffic going both ways. I knew I probably couldn’t get the caterpillar to safety before the light changed and cars and trucks started speeding. I would be holding up traffic so I stopped, contemplated attempting to pick up the insect (or whatever caterpillars are) and decided against it. That it probably wouldn’t accomplish much other than holding up traffic. I believed that the caterpillar would be safe probably, just slipping under the cars, not getting hurt. 

But I was wrong. I watched the poor thing get crushed then crushed again and die. I was already slightly depressed for a few days but that day was good before that happened. I instantly felt like ending my own life. I felt it physically all over, my body aching to die.

I was overwhelmed in pain and guilt. I’m still devastated when I think of it. 

It took a lot of strength and energy for me not to do anything to put myself in mortal danger that day. I came so close. It would have been so easy. The only thing that stopped me is the fear of hurting anyone else physically while I was attempting to end my own life and the fear of inflicting psychological damage upon anyone forced to witness or be involved in any way. 

I’m almost always conscious of how things I do may impact others. And I try to act in ways that are best for all of us or just for everyone else.

Usually the only thing that stops me when I come close to killing myself is fear that it won’t work and I’ll suffer the consequences like damage to my body and along with it, look even more like a loser.

But I don’t always feel that fear. And that day last month, it wasn’t that fear that stopped me. It was concern for the others who would have been directly involved. That’s the main fear that stops me when the method I’m contemplating may somehow involve others.

So I had to hold myself against a wall and battle the urges violently flowing through me in waves, pressing my body against it hoping desperately they would soon subside. Hoping desperately I would be able to walk home without the violent urges threatening my life.

I had to try hard to not have one little lapse in judgment that would result in a serious catastrophe for a lot of people. It took all I had in me.

They’re not always mere thoughts; they escalate to urges, almost physical, almost seeming impulsive. Like I have to go. And it has to be now. Right now. It’s not a choice to experience them but it IS my choice to give into them and end my life or battle them and not give in and end it. Physical actions are NOT beyond my control. I have a choice how to act even though I don’t always have the choice how to think or feel.

I don’t go into great detail in person or in writing about my suicidal urges and fantasies out of fear of triggering distress in someone who may already be unstable or distressed. Especially in writing, for anyone at all has access to it and can read it over and over whenever they want. I’m very open in general about my condition but I don’t take chances like that.

Also I don’t usually tell people when I’m currently struggling or I try to lessen the blow by down-grading the severity of it til it’s over, then sometimes I tell how bad it was.

I said before I’m so used to it that sometimes I’m way too casual when speaking of it and talk about it as if I’m talking about my plans for the weekend or my favorite book or movie or like someone would speak of a trivial problem s/he’s having. I tend to forget now and then the way it shocks the hell out of people and that it’s not a problem most people are used to encountering like that. And I don’t always like the reactions I am met with. 

Lol As devastating as it is it’s also quite amusing in a way. 

Or maybe I’m the only one who thinks so. I got in trouble my whole life since I was a little girl for laughing at inappropriate things, like something spilling, someone falling, kids being bad in school, someone putting a worm on the teacher’s desk in high school and her screaming…and I’m very easily genuinely amused even over stuff most people would probably find just plain stupid. I have belly laughs that hurt almost everyday, even when I’m by myself, over the dumbest things that wouldn’t even faze anyone else.

Even though I struggle with severe depression, I’m still a lighthearted girl who can find light, love, and laughter just about anywhere.

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One night, a few weeks ago, I really contemplated ending it all. It was on my mind frequently everyday, day and night. When I would wake up in the morning, it was on my mind. That one night I felt I had to make a choice. I could only feel two strong emotions for the most part, severe emotional pain with the desire to end everything good and bad alike, and powerful love. I still felt love in me for everyone, universal love. It wasn’t completely masked by the pain and desire to die. It was at my surface. Swirling in me, tempting me to give in and surrender to it. It was in my consciousness, breathing, pulsating strong as ever in sync with the rhythm of my heartbeat.

Like it always is and is now. 
Venturing through my veins.

It was like a tug of war game.

One force, a deadly force, pulling me one way and a loving, life affirming force pulling me the other way. It’s exhausting.

As much as I wanted to kill myself, I gave into the love instead. I let the death wishes and suicidal pain take the back burner, summoning my love to the forefront of my brain and my whole being, even more. I decided to stay alive and battle the deadly urges, threatening my life, just so that I can go on loving. Everyone and everything I can. In any ways I can.

Love is so healing. Even when it feels I’m not loved in return. I believe it’s better to love than be loved if I can’t have both. Throughout my days I have experienced rejection, in various forms, on some occasions, by people I wanted to be friends with, one’s I hoped to develop some form of relationship with. While it can be quite agonizing, there’s some kind of comfort knowing I’m still able to love those who reject me. I’m still able to love in many ways. In the form of a positive affection directed at the person even if just in my head, wishing people the best whether or not they want the best for me or even care, still thinking and speaking positively of those who don’t love me.

Love heals.

Love can be a strong positive affection(romantic or platonic) for someone or something with no action taken. Or it can be a verb, an action, an expression.

When we reach out to help, heal, comfort…we reach out in love.

Maybe I will never accomplish anything great, maybe I’ll never save someone’s life but I can do simple things with great love. Share an uplifting quote, go the distance to help someone in need, provide hugs and smiles to all I can…there are limitless possibilities and reasons for carrying on in the midst of all the pain.

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I couldn’t pull myself out of the depression or completely stop the thoughts of killing myself but I was still able to choose to live and not give into them. 

Now I’m very happy again, so hopeful and inspired everyday again. It’s so strange and fascinating how that can happen like that. How nothing can change environmentally or in any way but my general mood changes dramatically. I’m inspired to take pictures again, to write, to put on my makeup and look pretty. To look up at the sky and feel an even greater depth of joy than I felt in the midst of my depression when I looked at it in awe. The feelings of worthlessness are gone, the hopelessness, the darkness, the despair. It’s all gone, just because I held on. Time itself healed it. It was nothing I did. I just carried on and coped as best I could and here I am, back again!

That itself is inspirational, the fact that I did little else but hold on and it eventually ended.

If you ever feel like giving up or giving in whether it’s something like suicidal urges or something not so dramatic like maybe just lashing out in anger or carrying out actions based on strong unpleasant emotions or thoughts, I hope you will instead tap into the love in you, bring it to your consciousness, and act on that instead. Like I did when I came so close to selling out. Maybe it’s love for yourself, another person, an animal, a thing, an activity, anything, universal love for all sentient beings….anything. Just summon whatever sweet love you have in you and act on or bask in it. 

It’s ok to experience and acknowledge those unpleasant, painful, destructive, thoughts, feelings, and emotions but you don’t have to give into them and let them conquer you. Let love conquer instead. Let love prevail.

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.” ~ LeeAnn Womack (I Hope You Dance)

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” ~ Mother Teresa

“I am here to serve. I am here to inspire. I am here to love. I am here to live my truth.” – Deepak Chopra 

“Love everybody for who they are. We’re not supposed to try to change people. We should allow people to be who they are and love them as they are.” ~ Dolly Parton 

“The meaning of life is to love yourself completely, free yourself and others of guilt, and become totally visible no matter the risk.”

Surrender to universal love.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. When you get the choice to sit it out or dance…….

I hope you dance.

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Personal Development & Blog Thanks <3

Dec12

I have always loved having my own blogs, free websites, profiles and all since I was a young teenager and was first introduced to the internet.

I used to use America Online /AOL free homepages and profiles to write all about myself and promote what I loved, usually tv shows, friends, and silly teenage stuff I was really, really into back then.

I created as many as I could about any topic under the sun.

But I usually never stayed with one blog or website too long.

Since I had no credit card and no money and the hosts were free much of my exercise over them was very limited.

Then a few years ago I became extremely interested in the topic of Personal Development.

I have always been one to think positively more than negative when I wasn’t depressed and I have always liked the idea of self help topics.

But some years ago I came across a facebook page (Personal Development and Inspiration) promoting the blog by Justin Tillman previously at JustinTillman.com now http://www.theuncommonlife.net/

And it touched and inspired me so deeply.

I became more aware of the impact personal development and self help books, blogs, topics, websites, other people’s life stories…can have on us if we only let them.

I read Justin Tillman’s blog and facebook statuses and everything I could, written by him, and it opened me up to the world of true positive thinking as a way of life and an intentional developed habit and working on the self to create the life of your dreams. His life inspired my life. His self acceptance deeply touched me and motivated me to accept parts of myself I was so unwilling to accept. Even if you’re already a mostly positive and happy person, whether or not you struggle with a mental health condition, personal development as a subject can really help you.

Many people reject it and think it’s silly or common sense or only for people with very serious problems, or only for the weak.

None of this is true.

Anyone can benefit in different ways and to different degrees and I find it quite inspirational and uplifting to read or hear positive things even if it’s something I already know or heard before. Friendly reminders every now and then are great.

I believe maintaining healthy self esteem and maintaining inspiration and motivation and an extra positive attitude is somewhat similar to learning a new language.

You have to keep up on it to make it useful to you a long while later. When you take a language course, it’s not realistic to learn the language and never use it or practice or keep up on it and expect to remember it flawlessly years or maybe even months or weeks later. You’ll soon forget.

And so it is with personal development practices.

You have to consciously and intentionally work at it if you genuinely want it to always stay with you and be a part of your life.

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

Personal development techniques have to be learned, practiced, and strictly and seriously applied though before they can be completely effective for the long term.

You really can’t just skim through a book, take it lightly and just forget it and then claim it’s stupid or don’t work. Well, you can but that’s not a good idea. You have to use it to the best of your ability for it to help transform you.

Self help books and blogs, just like psychotherapy sessions and therapists won’t change your life just by themselves, YOU have to work along with them and the choice is ultimately up to you, no one else.

No one can change your life except for you but people and things can help greatly along the way. They can be crucial to your healing.

I read self help books and have been in psychotherapy sessions for a while and noticed that they did help me a lot but it’s not until one moment of despair when I decided I could take no more, contemplating ending my life, that I turned the other way and really decided to take charge of my own life, my own mind, my own self that those books and therapy really changed me for the better.

I gathered up every personal development book I had and bought more and I searched the internet for any blogs, websites, people, e-books, anything that could help me help myself and I have become more receptive and practiced and applied more and practiced more mindfulness meditation and practiced every technique I have ever learned that I felt would work for me and it helped me incredibly and still does til this day.

For once I felt compassion for myself that I felt for others and I knew that it’s up to me to be sure I don’t lose my life to the pain and despair of depression and physical pain.

I was bursting with joy and amazement for everything I knew and learned and with this newfound light and awakening inside and I wanted not only to help myself but to share all this with as many people I possibly could whether they have severe mental health issues, minor stress problems, or just want to make some things in their lives and the lives of others, better.

I posted stuff on facebook in hopes to help people learn what I have learned and experienced. But what I really wanted was a specific blog dedicated to mostly positive, inspirational, personal development stuff.

I tried weebly, yola, blogger, and many others that just are not compatible with my mobile phone which is what I’m always using. I don’t usually have computer access.

I would get discouraged and give up.

And one day a facebook friend of mine suggested I write an ebook or create a facebook like page or a blog for this.

That gave me motivation to try again and I somehow came across a wordpress blackberry app.

I installed it and it doesn’t work on my phone but it led me to realize that while it can be difficult and frustrating at some points, internet wordpress works on my phone without the app, to a certain point.

I can’t do everything I can on a computer and it’s kind of slow when I’m posting but still works and is very worth the trouble it sometimes causes.

I want to and plan to start posting here more.

The thing that usually stops me is the slowness and partial incompatibility with my phone and wordpress. But this blog is actually one of my biggest dreams! Lol it may sound stupid to some.

But I have always for sooo long wanted an online blog to make a collection of all my personal development ideas I have come up with and learned and read, my own and other people’s. And here it is!

Like I said before, it’s not the prettiest or well advanced but it’s everything I dreamed of.

😀

I have known people who gave up on therapy and personal development books and materials saying they weren’t working.

Therapists, doctors, medication, books, life coaches cannot cure you and will not cure you alone. You are the main one that has to get yourself better.

They are not in your head or your body and they don’t know you like you know yourself and they never will. They can know you well but only you can solve your problems completely and in depth.

Only you have control over yourself. And only you should.

I promote personal development books, blogs, websites, and psychotherapy but I know we are the main ones responsible for ourselves and have to work along with those things.

My depressive disorder while extremely devastating and agonizing has turned out to be the catalyst for my positive transformation.

I was a happy and positive little girl before my depression hit at a very young age; I was still happy and positive after as it would always lift now & again but did become frequent. Very easy tempered and joyful and grateful and I loved me for me. But after a few years of depression, even when my depression would lift for a while, it just always came back. I still had days, months, weeks…and moments of happiness but depression and depressive-like ways would take over again but then after many years of worsening this depression motivated me to more than ever want and attempt to make a change for the better.

I believe if I never developed depression I would have grown into a healthy, happy, more positive than negative adult for the most part but still not as well off and happy and positive and grateful as I am now because I would have very likely not worked to even better myself.

When people are already happy and healthy they often don’t think they can get any better but sometimes they can!

Even though I still struggle with severe depressive episodes, it’s not as frequent as before and in the middle, my happiness is genuine & deep like it was before but more frequent now.

I have learned so much and while I would never go out looking for pain and depression, I have made the choice to view my depression as a gift, as a blessing because it motivated me to make a change.

It’s just like when a person is diagnosed with a long term physical illness and works so hard on health and becomes healthier than even that person was before the illness hit and healthier than even people who aren’t sick!

It’s extremely difficult because depression takes away everything. It takes away pleasure, inspiration, motivation, desires, abilities to function in different ways, it takes away our sense of self and even the will to live. And it just kept coming back.

Often physical illness and pain motivates people to want to survive, to want to do all they can to get better and live; it pushes people to give all they have. But depression is quite the opposite. It often makes people just want to give up, give in, quit, come to an end. There is often no will to survive with severe depression. There is no desire.

But it’s possible to push through and come out on the other side into the bright light.

This life is different now after I learned how to help myself. It’s sunnier and brighter and better more frequently than when I was young.

I can’t say with certainty that my depression will ever completely go away for good. I may always have recurrent episodes.

But they are not as frequent and usually not as long as they used to be and now I have no depression in the middle of them like I used to a lot and I can handle episodes better because of my strengthened positive/gratitude thinking habit.

And I can now often detect an impending episode and divert my thinking and prevent it before it turns to a full blown episode that I can’t pull myself out of.

Sometimes it would seem like my depressive episodes would hit for no reason at all. They would just come out of nowhere. And sometimes it seemed as if my own negative thinking would bring them on. I never had a real bad habit in general of negative thinking but just like people in general, I would on occasion get caught in a trap of negative thoughts about myself and certain situations. And when this would happen, it sometimes would bring on an episode.

So now I’m extra, extra careful to consciously watch my thoughts.

When I started to get truly happy in the middle of episodes I kept believing I would never again have another episode but I always did. I would suffer heartbreak after heartbreak because I truly belied I was “normal” like a person blessed to not have episode after episode every couple of months but then another shattering episode would hit hard. I wouldn’t accept this. I wanted all or nothing.

I wanted my depressive disorder to be a thing of the past, to be a memory, not my current reality, not my current truth.

Severe long term depression runs in my blood. It runs in my family.

But I have come to accept and tolerate that maybe my depression will always be part of this life. I won’t always be depressed at every second or everyday or every week but it will always come back maybe but it will always end. And it’s worth holding on and living through the depression. I always had it and also been happy but now even more frequent happiness!

Acceptance has liberated me and I have better coping mechanisms to handle the episodes than I used to.

During one of my hospitalizations for depression, a psychiatric technician told us to find and embrace our inner sun and let it shine through.

I love that. ❤

I may write of my experience with depression in this blog somewhat often but it will never be to dwell on or curse it. Only to bring hope to what so frequently feels like a hopeless situation for so many. To bring light to the darkness. I write of it to show how it is possible to recover for the most part and muster up strength and courage and to bring what I have learned into writing and help others who may benefit.

But my posts here will not always be about my depression. 😉

I hope anyone struggling in anyway will find hope, strength, consolation, and the inspiration and motivation to keep going even with the pain.

It’s worth it. ❤ 🙂

Xo Kim

“I used to sit under a gloomy cloud of gray

And now the sun is shining and it won’t go away ” ~Jill Sobule

❤

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