Now, I will stand in the rain on the corner I’ll watch the people go shuffling downtown ‘Nother ten minutes, no longer And then I’m turning around, ’round The clock on the wall’s moving slower My heart it sinks to the ground And the storm that I thought would blow over Clouds the light of the love that I found, found Light of the love that I found
The flood that I was out in yesterday 😆 It came up to my ankles.
Friendly reminder: Do not drive a car through a flood.
I saw three cars break down in it. The people tried driving through it, and I guess it destroyed their engines. That happened to my dad’s car, years ago, when he drove through a flood. Car was done. I remember him yelling and cursing.
Three people in a row tried driving through it and just got stuck. So, there were three cars stalled in a row. They were all angrily beeping their car horns, as if that was going to help them lol I always think it’s funny when people sit in their cars beeping for no reason. I noticed they often don’t even know what they’re beeping their horns at. One person will beep theirs, and then a bunch more will for literally no reason, just because they heard that person 😆
It reminds me of when one of my dogs barks at something, and then the rest start barking, even in another room, just because they heard that one. And they run in, barking and bristling, like they want to give someone a piece of their mind, and they have no idea who they even have beef with. Lol!
At first, they were angry at the driver in the first car, not understanding why he was stalled in the middle of a street. Then, they soon realized why, when their cars broke down too. They were PISSED!
They could have all turned a different way to avoid the flooded street, but each one kept going straight through the water. They must not have known that can happen or thought they could get away without it happening to them. Another friendly reminder: nothing only happens to “other people” or only happens on the news. If it can happen, it can happen to you.
Hopefully, they are able to use car insurance or something to get a new car or fixed car. This is why I’m thankful I don’t drive. No car troubles. One less problem in life.
It wasn’t raining when I was walking, and then suddenly, there was a violent downpour with thunder and lightning, and before I knew it, it was inches deep. I stood in it on a street corner, for almost an hour, until it came up to my ankles lol I was not dressed for the rain and had no umbrella and was in walking shoes in the midst of a life-threatening (according to my phone) storm.
It was gross, but it makes for pretty pictures lol It looks like a swimming pool.
Even though I work outside, I never come to my senses and get appropriate clothes and shoes and an umbrella. So, I’m walking around like a drowned rat, with puddles sloshing around in my shoes. Super gross.
I’ll run in the rain ’til I’m breathless When I’m breathless, I’ll run ’til I drop The thoughts of a fool’s kind of careless I’m just a fool waiting on the wrong block
And when one of us is gone And one of us is left to carry on Then remembering will have to do Our memories alone will get us through Think about the days of me & you ❤️💔
He was the great love of my life. This loss is one of those ones that hit the hardest even though they’re all equally devastating in another way. This loss has always felt like something on a whole other level in some way. At first I just assumed it’s because I knew him for so long. He was just always by my side, and I never remembered life before him since he came and couldn’t ever fathom life after him. But then I realized it’s not the case because if I would have lost him years before when I did not know him as long it would have been the same pain and profound loss. It’s a deep gaping wound that never seems to close. It feels like a physical part of me is missing, like a big chunk of something has been ripped out of me. An unearthly kind of pain. Sometimes it feels unbearable. He was just so much a part of me. It feels like I wasn’t meant to live without him. I know it’s not true. Dogs are supposed to get old and die much sooner than humans. But it still feels that way.
My constant, my familiar, my safe, my home…in all the uncertainty & unknown.
❤️😍 True love – a rare kiss 😘💋
I remember the first day I walked into the room and everything was gone. His bed was gone, his crate that was just for when he wanted to be in it, never closed, was gone, his toys were gone, his treat jar was gone, his doggy gate was gone, his notebook & pen to keep track of his walks & potty breaks & water and treats were gone, his food & water bowls were gone, his large bag of dog food was gone, his leash, gone, his doggy bags, gone, the fur that he was always shedding that got on things, gone, every single trace of him was gone, every shred of evidence that he ever existed was gone.
Just gone.
I remember the surprise. I have never seen such an empty room. There was a table and chair, things for preparing food on the counter, papers around, a bookshelf full of books, various other things around the whole room…but the room was empty. I have never felt such profound emptiness. I remember the sense of panic that arose in me. The heaviness that weighed me down, threatening to pull me to the floor, legs becoming weak, just like the day I let him go. My eyes frantically scanning the room for just one clue that he was once here. But there was none. Desperation growing somewhere deep inside me, taking root in a place I’m not sure I could identify, a claustrophobic kind of fear taking me over.
I looked around, and it was like he never existed except for the void in me aching to be filled, the throbbing pain that surged through me and all over me with nowhere to go. Completely alone with just the memories & the raw pain letting me know he once lived. I felt that I would run to the ends of the earth to find him. It may have been the second most painful moment of this life of mine.
A disarray of memories swirling around my head, inspiring both joy & anguish, but more anguish. Him running through the glistening snow on a cold Winter’s day, and rolling around in the green grass on a sunnySummer morning, crunching through the Fall leaves on the cobblestone streets we walked upon each day, rubbing his little face in the Spring flowers blooming in our favorite park, running along the Schyulkill river trail side by side every morning & evening, the big smile on his face as we ran against the wind, the wind blowing through his fur and my long hair, not a care in the world, standing on his back legs in the kitchen to look at the plants, running around the table making me chase him to get his leash on, oh how I miss that leash that was just so him, haven’t seen it in so long, randomly giving me a bunch of kisses even though he rarely ever kissed, kissing wasn’t his love language. But he reserved a few just for me. I don’t think he ever kissed anyone else.
I remembered the late Fall day in 2020 when I first heard him bark & growl after years of knowing him, when I first saw him angry, fur bristling as we walked alone together late at night on a dark narrow and desolate cobblestone street. He never barked or growled. At anyone, ever. Not humans or any other animals. If ever he did not like someone, he would completely ignore them. He was extremely gentle and quiet, an introverted boy. Mostly indifferent to everything & everyone around him. He peered into the shadows ahead. He suddenly growled then barked and jumped in front of me, standing as tall as he possibly could as if to ward away something or someone lurking in the shadows that he thought was a threat to me. Still the ball of energy he always was, strong and healthy, youthful, thinking his little body could protect me if only he stood his ground and kept me back and whatever it was, in front of us. He would not calm down, so we turned around and walked the other way, and he was satisfied. I remember the feeling bordering on shock because I have known him for so long and never saw him react that way in all our years together. I don’t think anyone else has either.I remember wanting to tell everyone, wanting to tell the world that Koto just barked and growled. It was the most amazing thing. He was not jumpy or ever startled, nothing scared him. He took everything as it came and just ignored it. For him to act that way, there had to be a real reason.
Sometimes I wonder if he saved my life that night.
Years later, I held him during his last hour here on Earth as we sat in our favorite park that we visited together for years. Clung to him as if my own life depended on his. My heart wanted to plead with him not to go, but my head knew he had to. Resting my heavy head on his as my heavy heavy heart sunk into my abdomen, feeling his little heart beat against mine, the last beats it would ever take. It still felt strong, steady, but his frail, weakened little body hung limp, like a ragdoll in my arms, no longer able to protect me like that Fall day all those years before, his eyes glazed over, no longer seeing, his legs collapsing if I tried to get him to stand, no longer caring to eat or drink,…his time here was up after almost sixteen years even though his heart was still strong against mine. And even though my arms refused to let go.
💔🖤
Saying goodbye to him, letting him go, was the single most painful moment of this life of mine. In that one pivotal moment I have lived an entire lifetime, maybe even a thousand lifetimes, lived every emotion there is to live. Both empty and full, completely gutted like a scene in a horror movie, or so it felt. In that moment, I did more living than I have in all the decades I have been alive. In that moment I became completely whole even though it felt and still feels so utterly shattering. I broke into a million little pieces to become one so completely whole. It’s a wholeness that nothing can touch. Even if I ever feel that something in life or in myself is lacking or someone else tells me it is, I can retreat to that place and find my wholeness there.
April 10th, 2023 – our very last day together, his last day on Earth ❤️💔
After letting him go that day, I walked by a park we sometimes visited through the years, not our favorite park, but one we sometimes walked to when he wanted to take me there. I saw the most vibrant flowers. I hungrily took in their beauty, desperately hoping for some sense of comfort or hope. For a fleeting moment those flowers appeared to be smiling at me as if to make everything momentarily ok. I held them in my heart for the rest of that warm Spring day allowing them to cool & sooth the bitter burning pain for a brief moment in time. He loved flowers. He made it a point to stop and put his nose right on them whenever we walked through our parks.
❤️
I have a silver necklace with a charm that has a “K” engraved on one side and a flower engraved on the other side. I bought it shortly after he died. I got it because it’s both of our initial and to remember all our days in the flowers together and how much he loved them. 🌹I have loved & lost so many pets through the years, both my own at home and the ones I work with. So I don’t buy things in memory of them or anything because there are just so many. But I was inspired to for this one.
This is a story that plays in my head again & again as I walk through life without him. Sometimes it’s quiet & somber and just here living in me, and sometimes it’s so loud and heavy and dizzying & agonizing it nearly brings me to my knees. But it’s our story. And it’s as beautiful as it is heartbreaking. It’s breathtaking, both in the unpleasant way that knocks the wind out of you like a punch in the gut, and the pleasant way that makes you gasp in beauty when you see the most stunning view you have ever seen.
And at the end of this life, whether it be tomorrow or in 100 more years, I’m going to say that in this life knowing him, loving him, walking with him by my side for all those years, was my greatest honor. ❤️
This is my own photo I created to go with the poem I wrote, below. 🖤
This poem is called LovingLisbeth.
Loving Lisbeth
Night falls And the echoes begin again Somewhere beneath a shimmery moon As the city lights dance In the night I hear them Bouncing off The shadows That cling To the skyscrapers Under the inky depths Of the night sky Echoes of a voice I used to know And unrequited love That still burns In a heart That can’t let go
I remember her so long ago Calling out to the skyline As we looked up At the imposing structures We both have always loved so much As they dwarfed us Until we were as small as the ants Scurrying about in the cracks of the Pavements Beneath our shoes
Calling As if they were some kind Of saviors Come to rescue her Scooping her up Into their concrete arms And cradling her Like a newborn Safe in the shelter Of her mother’s loving embrace
There was some kind of Comfort there Some kind of reassurance In the familiarity of the same Buildings Night after night Some kind of comfort In the repetition Of the mirrored windows Lighting up the night
In feeling so small Against the large constructs That held us in their presence As they stood so firmly Smugly In purpose Looking down at us As if their mission was Always accomplished With ease Without fail
She called up to them
But there was no answer There was never an answer Just her own voice Echoing through the city In the still of the night Under a darkened sky Resembling the murky waters Of an abandoned and forgotten lake In some desolate remote place No one knows exists
I stand here now Listening to the forlorn echoes As they clash and yearn Spewing out dark melodies And symphonies Like a twilight serenade Gone awry
And somewhere I hear her voice Now, just a ghost of a whisper Riding the gentle night air Like music notes Barely audible
But I know it’s hers
I call out to her But there is no answer
I call again And her name Gets caught in my throat And I choke On the pain Of yearning For what used to be But never really was
An apparition Of some long ago That exists Only in the dark blur Of my mind
I feel her somewhere out there Somewhere deep into the bowels Of the night Somewhere in the midst of The street lights and the city lights And the night dwellers Taking up residence on the lonely streets And the subways and the park benches Among a crowd of wandering strangers With nowhere else to go I scan every face I see But none of them are hers I call her name But no one turns to look at me
I search and search
But I have yet to find her I search the seemingly endless City streets Late into the night Like a maze That there is no way out of I call But she doesn’t call back
I run alone Through the back alleys And the dead end streets The cobblestones And empty parking lots Peering through the darkened Windows of the closed cafes And restaurants and stores The soles of my shoes Pounding against the ground As I run And my heart Pounds in my cranium Thudding Like a drum Vibrating my eardrums
My breath, raspy And shallow As I yell out to the night air
I call And search Her name, Tantalizing and tasting bittersweet Upon my lips Like droplets of white wine lingering about
I frantically turn in every direction Searching every corner In a desperate
panicked haze As I yell her name As if my life depends on it As if she were a lifeboat Needed to save me Carrying me out of dismal swamp Back onto land Where I stand Looking up at those skyscrapers Under a black sky Calling Calling her name
But the only sound I hear Is my own name Calling back to me
🖤
I hope you are having a great morning or night or day wherever in the world you are!! ♥️
Have any of your own poetry or poetry blog? You’re welcome to share in the comments!
This is my FB post earlier. Edited for this blog post.
I can’t remember when you weren’t there When I didn’t care For anyone but you I swear We’ve been through everything there is Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed Can’t imagine anything the two of us can’t do Through the years, you’ve never let me down You’ve turned my life around The sweetest days I’ve found, I’ve found with you Through the years, I’ve never been afraid I’ve loved the life we’ve made And I’m so glad I stayed Right here with you Through the years ♥️
Look at that happy face!! I got to see and kiss that face day after day, year after year for so long. ♥️ This is us in March 2020 when he was around 13 years old and still going strong. Today at sixteen years old, we said our last goodbye. I held onto him, and he held onto me with his legs and rested his head against me as I told him I love him and always will. I never knew such pain or how my body was strong enough to endure. (Actually I have because I have lost many before, but each one is new and unique/challenging in its own way, and this is one of the more challenging ones, I have a few like that, who make it especially painful to say goodbye, they are equally sad at the core, and I love them equally no matter how long I have known them, but various aspects/layers/factors/nuances just make some more difficult). I am so so honored and thankful I got to know and love him and for as long as I did.
My furever love 🐾♥️💔♥️🐾
I’m sending all my love to his family who were kind enough to let me be part of their family as his nanny, all those years, and to let him have his last walk ever on Earth, with me.
We also met a kind stranger recently with his dog experiencing the same situation soon who loved him and said unfortunately we all have to cross the rainbow bridge at some point. I found it comforting how he expressed sadness but also acceptance, it’s just the way it is but still so heartbreaking. We saw him again today in our park. ♥️
This is our last goodbye picture this morning. I held him during his last hour. I’m honored that his family let me.
🐾❤️
I have been disoriented with grief and keep rereading this checking for grammar/spelling/autocorrect errors, but just can’t seem to register anything, so not sure if it’s full of mistakes or anything.
This is the worst pain I ever experienced in this life. I know it’s going to heal even though it won’t go away, heal to where it won’t constantly be this heavy anymore and will eventually become more mellow and not constantly throbbing, the worst of it will come in waves and creep up on occasion then go back to the more mellow bearable kind (I know because I have loved and lost many through the years). But at this moment, I cannot imagine ever getting to that point as this pain now is all encompassing every second, throbbing relentlessly. I have never experienced grief or pain of any kind worse than this. Nothing has ever weighed more heavy on my body. I cannot even stand up straight.
I lost not just my boy, but our whole everyday routine, all the places and routines that were just “ours,” and that part of this life of mine is over. I can never walk those streets again without a bittersweetness. Our park that was just “ours” will bring me pain along with joy.
But I am so so thankful for our years together and love we shared. ♥️🐾
♥️🐾
This experience isn’t something I am experiencing as bad or negative, just neutral, just part of living. But it’s so so so painful.
Sending love to all who are in pain of any kind ♥️
“Trees swayin’ in the summer breeze Showin’ off their silver leaves As we walked by … Soft kisses on a summer’s day Laughing all our cares away Just you and I … Sweet sleepy warmth of summer nights Gazing at the distant lights In the starry sky … They say that all good things must end someday Autumn leaves must fall But don’t you know That it hurts me so To say goodbye to you … Wish you didn’t have to go No, no, no, no, And when the rain Beats against my window pane I’ll think of summer days again And dream of you” 💔♥️💔♥️
This is the cutest thing. 😍
Tomorrow morning we say our last goodbye to our sweet boy. 💔♥️ He is sixteen years old and has been declining for a while now. We were sitting in the park together that we have walked for many years night and morning, through all the changing seasons. I was holding him against me with my head resting on his, never wanting to let him go. I looked down and saw his little legs resting here on my coffee cup and found it adorable. 🥰♥️ I’m so glad I got the opportunity to have this picture. My whole body is so heavy with grief, and every inch of it is throbbing in physical pain, head to toe, I never felt grief so physically like this. I can hardly stand and am like a zombie and disoriented for much of the days. I don’t even know or care what’s going on around me. Gutted is the word that keeps coming to mind. But I felt the love and joy sitting here together in the gentle Spring breeze in our favorite park. ♥️🐾 And I know he felt it too.
I love you my baby, furever and for always, xoxo 😘
This is my FB post a few days ago. I am gutted. This is absolutely the most painful experience, and I have been struggling so hard. I’m dying inside.I know it’s just the way it has to be. They don’t live forever. But the pain is overwhelming and shattering.
(Picture is a throwback to May 2020 – he is not much of a kisser, but this is a capture of a rare kiss! 🥰)
“This is the time to remember Because it will not last forever These are the days to hold onto ’cause we won’t Although we’ll want to This is the time The time is gonna change I know we got to move somehow But I don’t want to lose you now” ♥️
My baby, I love you, furever & for always. Best friends for seven years. Never a day apart.
All our mornings spent in Schuylkill River Park, sipping iced lattes in the grass, and our evening walks along the Schuylkill River Trail under the moonlight, watching the city lights twinkle on the river, sometimes listening to Oldies as we walked, then stopping by Fitler Square on the way home, seeing all the holiday displays all Fall & Winter, stopping at Bacchus Market for a free treat (he took me there every morning when I first met him because he knew they gave free treats to dogs who stopped in, I never knew that!), walking all the way to Rittenhouse Square, stopping in the garden to smell all the flowers, getting caught in the rain, running through the Winter snow together, basking in the Summer sunshine, rolling around in the Fall leaves, watching all the Spring flowers blooming around us, sitting on the steps together in the warm evening air watching all the other humans and doggies walk by, stopping to chat with strangers, getting endless compliments on all the cuteness, always getting asked “Is that a fox??”, making me run around the kitchen table to get his leash on because he loved to play games (this annoyed everyone who walked him 😆), running around Rite Aid parking lot all those years before it closed up, sneaking onto the grass that we weren’t allowed (because he insisted, and who can say no to foxface?), trying not to get caught….all the side streets and routines that were just “ours.” Listening to the clapping and the cheering every night at 7:00pm, all those days when the streets were desolate and the city was like a ghosttown or going up in flames, and the world was falling to pieces around us and everything was uncertain, human friends and other animal friends coming & going. But there was my one constant, by my side, little paws tapping on the ground beside me all the way, never ever leaving. Day after day, year after year.
I will never forget.
Saying goodbye is the absolute worst. The most difficult thing in life. It’s pain that is unmatched. It takes my breath away and threatens to bring me to the floor or ground wherever I’m standing. 💔♥️ It’s heavy. One of the heaviest things I have ever had to carry. It’s an impending loss I can’t bear to fathom. I am gutted.
I’m honored I got to be his nanny for seven years and have his love and that his family invited me to come and say goodbye on his last day next week because they know the love we shared for so many years. They know I’m grieving with them. His mom said she feels less alone knowing that.
He was always one of the “special” ones. Any humans who have loved and lost many pets through the years will probably know what that means. We love them all, and all the losses are shattering, but just once or once in a blue moon, a special one comes along who it’s even more difficult to say goodbye to. A furry soulmate. ♥️
As someone who has always had multiple pets of my own and has worked with ones for seven years who I love wholeheartedly as my own, this pain isn’t new. It’s the same old pain. But each loss is different and challenging in its own unique way, and this is definitely one of the more difficult ones. Each experience with grief or any experience has various aspects and layers, and for whatever reason some losses can be more painful. And this one seems unbearable.
“I can’t remember when you weren’t there When I didn’t care For anyone but you I swear We’ve been through everything there is Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed Can’t imagine anything the two of us can’t do Through the years, you’ve never let me down You’ve turned my life around The sweetest days I’ve found, I’ve found with you Through the years, I’ve never been afraid I’ve loved the life we’ve made And I’m so glad I stayed Right here with you Through the years” ♥️
I love you my baby. I always will. I can’t remember life before you and can’t bear to imagine it without you. ♥️💔
I’m the prettiest cop on the block I set your souls on fire
Alice Cooper – Prettiest Cop On The Block –
This post here is a bit like this (in link below) but not anywhere near as long or deep. Both about my experiences with unrequited love. The true story in the link is grueling and took me six months to write.
Fun and random fact about me that no one else in the world knows. But now you do!
When I was 17/18 years old (around twenty years ago) I was in love with a police officer.
She made me so happy. She had the most beautiful face, hair, smile, personality, everything. I was mesmerized. It was joy and giddiness and ecstasy, just seeing her across a street, after a while it turned to a deeper feeling but still ecstatic and uplifting and joyful. It never quite turned to “the one” or “love of my life” status that I can remember like I have felt for some women, but was possibly getting to that point. It was definitely love. She was always on my mind even when we weren’t around each other. Usually though, when I’m in love with a woman, it happens much faster than a year that I think of her as my one or love of my life. And I don’t mean “falling” in love. I can actually have a feeling of *being* “in love” with a woman and want her as my person for life. For me, it happens quickly, usually. In this case with the police officer, I was totally smitten, but it wasn’t to that point yet even a year later, if I remember correctly. I don’t think she would have ever been one of “my ones.” Lol But I was totally in love, just not as in love as I can be. If I were a normal gay woman and our circumstances were more compatible and she liked me back, it probably would have been a short term relationship of substance, more than a fling but not lifelong.
She was 40 something years old. We did not know each other well. Just saw each other around. Once in a while my friends and me would talk to her. She was sweet, and just seeing her brightened my day no matter what mood I was in. She told me happy birthday one day! I knew her since I was 14 years old and always liked her a lot, but at 17 years old I suddenly fell for her hard. I began to take special interest in her in a way I haven’t in the years before. I thought she was a hottie in her uniform (like really really aesthetically pleasing lol I could stare all day). I loved the way she moved in it. I loved the way her pants hugged her hips and the way her hips swayed as she walked. And I loved the g u n at her side. She was very curvy. And she was very confident, it could be seen in the way she carried herself. I loved her great butt, it was the kind Sir Mix-A-Lot sings of. 😍 I loved the way her thick black curly hair fell to her shoulders and the way she would laugh and joke with the other police officers on the corner. She was a Latina beauty. She had a very happy temperament, always cheerful and engaged with people. She was sweet and a bad@ss babe all in one. Her husband was/is (don’t know if they are still together but hopefully!!) a very lucky man. He got the whole package for real. Beauty inside and out, brains, confidence, compassion…One day she hurt her back at work, and she was definitely low in spirits for a few days. I would see her have to stop, lean over, and rub her own back. I remember aching for her and wanting to make it all better. I wanted to hug her and make her pain go away.
Her age never fazed me or the fact that she was heterosexual and happily married to a man with kids around my age. I wanted her lol She would talk about her “sweetheart” and her “honey” and “baby” who was her husband of many years. I wasn’t jealous. I wouldn’t have cared if she loved us both, even if he was her main one. I’m good at sharing. 😆 I prefer monogamy and being the favorite/main/primary but can handle “my person” not being monogamous and being a close second. Lol (This is not the same as a monogamous person settling for me because they can’t have who they really want, that I wouldn’t accept, but I don’t mind a special/queerplatonic friend putting their romantic relationship first or a polyam person having a primary partner who isn’t me and me as a close relationship that comes after, nuances matter, but overall, I don’t mind not being the absolute center of someone’s world, I would like it though lol) One day on Valentine’s Day I heard her telling other police officers she worked with “My honey gave me flowers this morning when I woke up!” And one day she was happily showing everyone her new necklace “from my sweetheart!” And “My baby made me breakfast for Mother’s Day then took me out!” It was cute. Lol I was so happy to hear something about her personal life. It uplifted me.
A year later at eighteen years old I was still in love. I “stalked” her for a year. I would see her going a certain way and walk that way too hoping to run into her. I would get all giddy upon seeing her and try to get her to notice me and think I’m pretty. I did not fully realize what I was doing. I just knew she was so pretty and sweet and funny and wanted her to feel the same about me. I thought I could impress her. I was way too shy to talk to her. Lol When she would casually talk to me, I would freeze up, smile, and look at the ground 😆
We saw each other one day in an unusual place, and she looked so happy and pointed at me saying “I know you!!” It made me so happy! Another day she was monitoring a school event and had to check our ID’s. When I got up to the police at the door, she said “She doesn’t have to show her ID, I know who she is.” I was honored. ❤️ Still makes me happy now that I was trusted.
One day I was thrilled beyond belief, over the moon, because some criminal did something, and her and another police officer (another pretty lady around the same age, a gorgeous blonde) came over to ask me if I saw anything. I did not (I did see her running after someone in the morning and was intrigued, I liked seeing her work in action). Lol But was happy to be the center of her focus for a few minutes. It made my day, I was giddy and bursting with joy for the rest of the day. I ran home and told my mom the police came to talk to me, I could hardly contain my joy. I wrote it on my online journal I had back then too. Lol I never mentioned the part that I was in love with one of them. The journal was kind of anonymous, the website required anonymity to a point, no contact info or anything, can’t remember the name of it, but I was still afraid to put too much detail about my love affair lol All my followers knew my first name and that I was a teenaged girl. I pretended to like boys on there, just to put it “out there” that I’m in fact normal. I was so happy to see the new police officer too. Every once in a while I found myself catching some kind of feels for her too when the feeling for the other would begin to mellow out a bit, when I like/love a woman and she doesn’t know or care that I exist and shows me no attention, my feels for her can come and go or fade and rekindle, and I can move onto another for a while. I only have the capacity to actively be into one at once though, even if I can tell I like them both. (I think real crushes can work like that too?) Sometimes focusing on that woman took the pain away about the other woman not really knowing I exist and me not knowing how or having the courage to approach her. One day with my friend, I decided to go ask them for directions just to have an excuse to talk to them. Lol Some of my girl friends liked the police officers too, but they liked the man ones. I pretended to like the men too so they would think I was normal. They themselves were not homophobes, but society in general was. I was happy the girls wanted to hang around the police because then I got to see her. I remember one of the girls was going to walk over to one of the men police officers she liked and say “Please cuff me officer,” but she chickened out. We were all laughing hysterically.
We had metal detectors at my high school. The school police were always there. But one day the women school police weren’t there, and she was there to search any of us who walked through when the metal detector would beep on us. Only women police officers were allowed to check the girls. If a woman wasn’t there and it beeped on a girl, they had to let us go anyway without checking. That day they got her to search us.
For some reason it beeped on me. She had to search me. I was crushed. She waved the thing up and down me and patted me down. That has happened before with the school police, and I had no problem. But I felt like she did not trust me when she knew me (sort of), and I had these deep emotions for her. My adult mind understands now that those feelings couldn’t have ever been reciprocated, no way a 40 something year old is going to go for a teenager, to her I was just a typical high school girl, and she was simply doing her job. But back then, I was deeply wounded and couldn’t shake the feeling that someone I loved and had a thing for did not trust me. She was very compassionate and gentle, I still remember the tone of her voice when she said “I have to search you.” It was a deeply apologetic tone. There’s no way she could have known I loved her, but she probably knew a teenaged girl doesn’t want to have to get searched going into school. She did affectionately tell me before she can tell I’m a good girl. I was flattered.
I never saw her out of uniform in the four years I have known her. Then one day I saw her in a dressy shirt with flowers and was floored! It was the most amazing experience. It made me so thrilled and giddy. Lol Not just that she was beautiful but just seeing a personal aspect of her. I only ever mostly saw her professional side. She was very lighthearted and playful and kind. But other than that I did not know much about her, just enough to be in love.
I knew some of her political/moral views and some of her interests. She supported marriage equality and the death penalty. She was very family oriented, loved kids. She loved holidays, especially Halloween. She was against people suing people for d*mb things like ordering hot coffee and spilling it on themselves. One day it was in the news that a woman was suing a place for getting burned on coffee she ordered there. The police were talking about it the next morning, and she was yelling “You know coffee is hot!!”
I was going off to college soon (not leaving our city, just the location where I always saw the police officer) and was so deeply sad that I wouldn’t see her anymore. I stayed up all night long for hours the nights leading up to our last day seeing each other, trying to come up with a way to keep in touch with her. But we weren’t friends or even acquaintances. Girl hardly even knew I existed. I couldn’t exactly go up and say let’s keep in touch. Lol It wasn’t a context where that would be normal, and on top of that I’m super shy, especially back then. So even if she was an acquaintance, back then as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t have had the nerve. Probably wouldn’t even now lol
I knew the last day I would ever see her. I decided I would write my name and phone number on a piece of paper and walk up and hand it to her and let her know I always liked seeing her and was going to college and wouldn’t be around that way anymore. I fantasized over and over and over, how it would pan out. This fantasy also helped me cope with the pain and grief knowing our encounters were coming to an end. It gave me hope. But when the day came, I lost the nerve. I stopped halfway as I was walking to her, my heart pounding. I had the paper crumpled up in my sweaty palm and was frozen in place. I just stood there staring. She glanced at me for a second, and I lifted my arm to wave then dropped it again, too shy to go through with that too. I felt this empty dejected sinking feeling.
As an asexual/aromantic girl (with lesbian leanings) who had no idea what asexuality is, I did not know this was my version of a “crush.” I did not realize her being heterosexual and married would not be compatible with the kind of relationship I wanted with her (sure her husband wouldn’t have liked it much lol And a heterosexual woman likely can’t have the emotional/sensual inclination I can for other women, I wasn’t thinking of all this). I wanted a non sexual but sensual/emotional relationship with her, to hold hands, long hugs, be each other’s everything. I frequently fantasized about her, never sexually, all the things we would do together, sometimes the fantasies were sensual, imagining touching in non sexual ways. I imagined us strolling around, walking arm in arm, laughing, reading together, always being together and each other’s person. I was afraid the sensual fantasies/feelings made me gay and that I could be the target of homophobia if people knew, which terrified me, especially the thought of being ridiculed. Back then I wouldn’t have been able to handle people laughing at me and making jokes about me, and homophobia was still very rampant all over back then, still around now, but way worse back then. People were openly homophobic with no consequences, even teachers I had. Gay jokes were mundane things with no one calling them out, people laughing at same gender kissing scenes on tv. I also felt my sensual daydreams did not make sense since I was identifying as “heterosexual.” I never liked men but since I don’t quite like women in the traditional way either and society told me I’m hetero, that’s the label I took on. So I tried to suppress the desire. Sometimes I imagined her crying and me consoling her with hugs and back rubs (had these fantasies about other women too). Years later I realized it was my excuse to imagine touching her without being gay about it. I can console women just to console also. But this was going out of my way daydreaming because I wanted the fantasy of touching a woman but still being hetero about it. 😆
I liked her in a way that was different than how I liked my regular platonic friends but not in the traditional romantic/sexual way (I somewhat recently learned this is called alterous attraction/love, not strictly platonic but not quite romantic or having aspects of both, I’m homoalterous). I had no idea what it was. I thought of it as wanting her as my “special friend.” I never had inclination for thinking of her as my girlfriend or wanting her as one. That word doesn’t resonate with me for me. I don’t ever see myself as having a girlfriend or being someone’s girlfriend but can totally imagine having “my person” for life. I hope for that someday. I don’t mind if she wants to call me her girlfriend and thinks of me that way, just not a word that resonates with me.
This is just one of many examples since I was a little girl of “crushing on”/being in love with other girls. It’s a recurring thing throughout life for me since elementary school age til now, that I fall for other women like this. Not regular platonic but not traditional romantic/sexual. As I did not understand my identity/sexual orientation (oriented asexuality) til a few years ago, this was always a curious thing, always feeling gay but then nahh. Lol
Unfortunately I could never act on it because I don’t know how. It’s hard enough for even regular gay women to meet other women to be compatible with like that but when asexuality is thrown in, it adds to the challenge. Everyone and their mom and grandmom and great grandmom wants the s*x at all ages. And being aromantic (with strong homoromantic leanings) I never had inclination for traditional dating, like asking a woman out. I just see women I’m madd about and want in this life of mine. So it’s definitely a complex situation.
Asexuality.org
I don’t remember what inspired me to remember this experience with the police officer. But here it is. 😁
It may give people an idea of what it’s like to be a lesbian (or whatever hetero/bi…) asexual woman. We don’t experience sexual (and in some cases not even romantic or fullblown romantic) attraction but doesn’t mean we can’t experience need/desire for emotional/physical closeness or life partnerships or companionship “beyond” ordinary platonic but not sexual/romantic either.
Asexual love, it’s like when you have a crush in elementary school before your sexual aspect develops, but for asexual people, that sexual aspect never does even as adults. This doesn’t mean no romance or no deep emotional feels or emotional investment/commitment.Asexuality.org
AI & glitch artwork created by me to go with this poem 🖤
Standing here alone In the shadows of a distant memory That still burns in me Like hot steel Branding the flesh of my existence Her name tattooed into my cells I can’t escape her touch Marked for life The grief Expands in me like an airbag in my chest Til there is no more space And I struggle for breath My ribcage threatening to break Under the pressure Like a starshower Crumbing out of the sky Hot celestial pieces Falling Upon anything unlucky enough To be in the way Burning flesh Setting fire to surface Bringing everything to ruin
She’s always one heartbeat away One step out of reach I remember her hair Falling to her shoulders Blowing in the wind As her tears fell softly Like silent raindrops in the night Her eyeliner running down her cheeks Like mudtracks in pure white snow Those tears that spoke a thousand words Whispering into the night A somber melody Almost inaudible But caressing All the deepest depths of me
I carry her in my bones a melancholy ache accompanying my every step Invisible like a phantom in the night that lurks at my side like a distorted shadow supposed to be mine But isn’t
I am consumed by the dark Overshadowed by pain Til there Is almost no trace of what I was Before her Smothered in the aftermath Of a hurricane Washed away in the turmoil With no anchor
I stand here in these shadows Under the glow of the moon My long hair blowing in the gentle evening breeze As my eyes search the night For her But she’s nowhere to be found
But I feel her in everything there is The city lights remind me of the twinkle in her eyes As they lit up with everything she loved The bookstores, the cafes, the buildings, they speak her name as I walk by Almost as if to taunt me with reminders of everything that will never be mine Dreams that danced upon my pulse as it raced through me, promises of a life that are now crumbled like flowers crushed beneath the soles of my shoes But leaving tantalizing hints of their perfume in every step I take
Our hearts beat in synch I breathe her air And her tears run down my cheeks with the gentle rain that kisses my skin With its somber soft touch, tasting the salt as it covers my red lipsticked lips and caresses the tip of my tongue
I remember her bright hazel eyes smiling Through thick rimmed glasses As she spoke about the last novel she read Full of heartache and love and redemption I watched her hair fall over her glasses As she absentmindedly brushed it back I remember the way she came alive Whenever it rained And the city looked like a watercolor Painting A kaleidoscopic disarray Of all the colors of the rainbow The way her camera couldn’t capture Enough pictures And that joy lives in me somewhere Like a bittersweet song Playing in my bones Running through my veins
And I am here now In this other life Where she doesn’t exist Worlds apart But somehow only One chaotic breath away Drowning in memories Lifetimes away Lost in the shadows Of a love That could never be
🖤
Anyone else want to share your own poetry? You’re welcome in the comments! Or share a link to your poetry blog. I especially love dark poetry or sci fi/futuristic, mysterious…but any kind is welcome!
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
“I feel like I been rode hard and hung up wet Swallowed by a mule and crapped off a cliff I drank enough whiskey to fill up a lake Woke up this morning with a big @$$ headache Y’all I ain’t kidding this son of a b!tch hurts Where the hell are my pants Must be with my shirt I still got my boots on but make no mistake They can’t help me kick this big @$$ headache” 🤣
I feel every bit of this lol
I’m SO thankful my headache is better today, almost completely, and my appetite for life is back. Being physically ill takes more life out of me than when I’m depressed. No matter how bad my depression gets, even when it’s a full-blown major depressive episode where I can hardly get out of bed, I can usually still feel a very faint, faded, washed out spark of desire, even when it’s almost non existent, it’s still here.
I rarely to never get physically sick, but for the last few months, I seem to get a recurring respiratory virus of some sort, then yesterday I woke up with the worst migraine-like headache. It made me not want anything at all, but I wanted to want stuff. I saw green nail polish I wanted and just couldn’t (I got it today and painted my nails!). I wanted to want coffee and food. My body was so hungry, but I had no emotional desire and couldn’t eat.
I don’t actually have migraine headaches but something that feels like them because I have tmj dysfunction, a disorder in my jaw joint, I had since I was little. It’s chronic, and there’s no known cure or safe treatments that I know of but some very effective stretches and self massages. I’m very used to it; it’s not an issue, just a minor inconvenience. It doesn’t affect my health and is not progressive. It can have severe flare-ups, but I’m used to it, and they aren’t that frequent.
One of the symptoms is headaches of different kinds, including these migraine -like ones. I don’t usually get them. But when I do, they are terrible and almost debilitating. This was one of the worst ones. I am very high functioning no matter what and can push my way through anything. And that’s what I had to do yesterday as we are understaffed, and I can’t just take off work. But all day, I had to stop and rest my head against things. The headaches are gross, a sickly kind of ache. They make just the thought of food or water repulsive. I was dehydrated and extremely hungry all day but couldn’t eat or drink except a few drops of water I forced myself to drink. The hunger and thirst were adding to the extreme discomfort. As soon as I got home, I had to get right into bed. I couldn’t even drink Tylenol tea and couldn’t stand to get a shower (I did today though lol). One of the worst parts is how I wanted food but at the same second did not want it or wanted to want it but just couldn’t, something like that. Anyway, my lack of desire wasn’t natural but being blocked or repressed by something.
The headache was triggered because I laid on my pillow overnight. For years now, I can’t lay on a pillow or I wake up with a debilitating headache. I like to hold the pillow in my arms as I sleep better anyway so don’t mind. The pillow does something to my neck, and it affects my head. I know not to fall asleep on my pillow. But sometimes I wake up on it anyway. I don’t realize in my sleep that I’m putting it under my head. If I wake up on it in the middle of the night, I remove it, and it’s usually good in the morning. But last night when I woke up on it, I was so sleepy, I just said what they hey, and kept it there, falling back asleep. lol BIG mistake!! I woke up SICK. It wasn’t as bad til I got into a car, and the movement pulled on my neck a certain way, which worsened it. I don’t have neck or head pain in general. Just my neck was messed up because of the pillow then the car movement jerked it and ouch! Headache intensified.
They usually only last a day. Usually the next day I wake up with them gone. Today I woke up still with the headache, but it got better and better as the day went on. Thankfully!!! So this is me expressing my gratitude lol
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤️
How on Earth does this happen? Lol I mindlessly tossed the keys on the steps, not even looking, and they stood up like this. This never happened before. I thought maybe there is something about the carpet that would make this likely, like it’s sticky or something, but it’s not. I intentionally tried to make this happen again, tried carefully standing them up just to see, and it wasn’t happening. I gave it a few tries and nothing. 😆
Just a random post because it’s funny lol
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
Xoxo Kim 💋
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