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Closing Time😖😀❤😍

Nov7

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“Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from.
Closing time
This room won’t be open ’til your brothers or your sisters come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend.” ~ Semisonic ❤

I wrote this October 30th and tried to publish it then but was having some difficulties (technical\practical difficulties not emotional ones even though it is quite sad! )

I’m a sad, sad girl today! Saddest girl in the whole world! Ok, not really. lol I’m not usually this dramatic! But I’m happy and sad. Today is my last day as a server\cashier at the job i worked at for over ten years! I knew I would be so sad when i heard we may be going out of business but I’m more sad than i could have imagined I would be. Heartbreaking!! ❤💔 ❤ I’m actually in a state of grief almost like when someone dies but nowhere near that bad. I’m shocked and feel disbelief and a bit of numbness. I knew for over a year that my boss was trying to sell the place but it’s still kind of a shock to have a significant change like this.  I can’t imagine not being here anymore after so long. And I worked so much in Spring & Summer,i felt like i lived here and practically ran the place myself when everyone was on vacation. I worked 10\11 hour shifts with no break days in a row. So many days I opened and closed the place myself. When I first began working here two of us worked each shift. That’s how it was for years. But one day one of the girls couldn’t come in so I worked myself even though it was super busy and my boss decided to have only one of us on each shift, after she saw I handled it well on my own, so she wouldn’t have to pay two of us. So mostly each shift only one worked unless we had to train a new employee. I love working with others but also love my own company. I  came to love my shifts alone, especially on slow, cold, rainy or snowy days. When I wasn’t working I would read my books and drink hot chocolate or tea or coffee. I still saw my coworkers a lot.

I worked so much here, more than any of the others because they all have other jobs too and I don’t. Also, im the only one who would work 11 hours a day.  I feel a great sense of loss but also like I’m not losing anything because the job and experience never had to be given to me in the first place. So i feel more that I gained than lost. It doesnt completely take away the sadness and grief but definitely helps it. I’m naturally more prone to seeing the positive and if i dont, i remind myself to focus on that.

I wasnt told until yesterday that I would lose my job! I heard people talking about it but my boss did not let me know and never said a word til yesterday that in two days I would be jobless! People are saying negative things about her for that but I can only see that for over ten years, she gave me a job and I am forever thankful.

Another thing that lessens the pain of this loss is, I loved every second of working here and never once took it for granted. People complained about the low pay but it’s better than no pay! And i loved the busy as well as slow days. Some rare occasions I definitely complained about something about work but even in the midst of that I felt gratitude for it all and felt more positive emotions for my job than unpleasant. I took so many pictures in here and shared stories and life lessons learned here, through the years. I have countless memories to always cherish. Even the things i disliked about my job I usually also loved more than disliked. For example, I often felt that I would prefer more regular hours like morning until late afternoon but i also loved the night shifts and not always having to wake up really early for work. Also, even sometimes when I felt overworked and exhausted, I also felt satisfied and productive working so much.

So my point is; there’s always pleasant and unpleasant and we can choose to focus more on what is good.

I also have come to learn that while it’s so great to have some big career helping people, it’s not the only way to help others. Even at a simple store job, (or no job) there are so many ways to touch lives for the better. I saw how grateful and touched people felt when I asked them if they want napkins or boxes to carry stuff or anything else to make things easier for them. Something as simple as that can show someone that we care to make something even just a little bit better or easier for the person. It helps in a practical way but also in a deeper way. People can feel the love we express even in the seemingly smallest ways. That’s the greatest lesson i learned. ❤

Even when I was depressed, grieving, or suffering a flareup of my chronic headache disorder, I made it a point to be friendly to customers even if I wasnt happy myself or in too much pain to think straight. And work almost always cheered me up! 😀

It was extremely rare for me to not feel like going into work and even on those occasions as soon as I got here, I felt happy to be here. So many days I was having so much fun I did not even realize it was time to leave. Some of my best days are here.

I havent been jobless since I was a nineteen year old college girl. It’s embarrassing. I dont judge people who choose not to or cannot work but i love to work and it feels strange and awkward not having a job. Having significantly less money is not going to be good but my worst issue is missing the place, the people, the experience. But all good things (and not good) must end! And I’m thankful for the experience in the first place.

I never planned to leave here unless I had to. I planned and still plan on having a more “real” job but I always wanted to still work here like maybe on the weekends or one day a week if my boss allowed it. Like I have said being a food server is a pleasant job that brings joy in ways other jobs dont. Even if they bring as much joy, it’s not the same.

But I also feel a sense of liberation. Whenever I applied for other jobs I would keep trying to work out how i can work here as well. I tried often to see how my schedules would be compatible. Also so many nights I wanted to do something, like go out but I couldn’t because I had to work at night. I missed quite a few things because of unusual hours. I still loved the hours but it also came with unfortunate things.

I loved when it was busy but I will love nights off that aren’t so demanding. And now I am completely free to look for another job. I have no restraints. For now, I’ll look for another store job since I have so much experience (over ten years!) then try to move onto a more “real” or “professional” (im not n never will be a professional but you get the picture, right?! 😀 ) job like maybe a technician in a hospital or health center or a position at a marketing company. I love marketing but do not want to start out with sales, knocking at people’s doors, which many marketing employers require! Also, I want to work with children with extra needs one day. 

And, now I can look more for a volunteer job as well! No job to hold me back! It’s hard finding a volunteer job at some places! They require all stuff like a paid job!

Here are some of my last pictures here:

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My friend who used to live next door and me used to call this stuff the Purple shit. It’s a pretty color though! It has a terrible afterscent. I couldn’t stand using it. If we were out of other cleaning stuff I had to use it. Yuck! I dreaded it! But now I’m going to miss it! Oh, purple shit, I’ll miss you! ❤

The cash register! I get angry at it sometimes for not functioning properly but I really will miss it! And seeing all the various kinds of money coming in n funny messages written on some of the bills. “My sweaty nuts touched this!” for example, is a message I saw years ago! lol

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I’m going to miss mopping here and cleaning the utensils. I’ll miss every crack in the floor and mark on the walls. I will miss the beauty of the shadows and reflections on the walls and floor and glass freezer tops at sundown. But i have lots of pictures! I will always miss & cherish the occasions when a beetle or ant or other kreepy krawlers would land on one of the counters or freezers or even on me! I have many pictures of those too! I’ll miss making myself chocolate milkshakes! We were allowed to eat\drink anything we wanted for free as long as it was our shift! 😍❤😀 And so much more I’ll miss and cherish forever.

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Usually when we think of missing something, we seem to think of people, food, “big” things but there’s so many little things we may overlook and miss that we may never realized we would cherish and miss.

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Years ago I broke one of these and I told my dad and he brought me one out of his work to take to mine. He works for a company that sells\fixes parts to things like machines and cars and stuff. 

The counterfeit detector pens. Sometimes we got to slacking with checking the money and brought in fake ones by accident. I have gotten angry phone calls unexpectedly about fake cash in the drawer! oopps! 😱

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Inventory! I loved writing lists and seeing my manager’s list of all the stuff we needed!

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I’ll even miss the notes I would sometimes find hanging up scolding us for something (not cleaning good, forgetting to stock something, leaving something out on the counter that should not have been left out…)

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And I will miss the people(and doggies!)! My coworkers, the customers, my boss, manager, and their family, having conversations with people about various things, helping people….I’ll miss it all but I’m very thankful for the work friendships I have found through the years. ❤😍😀

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I think this thing is at least twenty years old! See how the phone number doesn’t even have an area code in front. 😱 And that was still our phone number even after all these years. If you call it now, I won’t be there. 😦 Also, the place is called Scoops not just because it’s an ice cream store, even though that is a good name for an ice cream service, but because the original owner’s last name is Scoops. lol

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We still have most of the same stuff now. These prices are so low! Only $3.50 for a banana split! Now they’re $6.00! And just $1.50 for a small gelati?! Now they’re $4.50! 😀

And here is the last one of me at work:

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I shared this on Facebook with my experience n someone commented and wrote, simply, “sexy boobs.” lol I’m quite flattered and must say, I agree. But I just lost my job after ten years and that’s what someone says. It gave me a good giggle! 😍😀

I even got a couple hugs today! My friend, Chrissy at the bar my boss owns said she’ll miss me and hugged me goodbye! And my newer coworker came and hugged me goodbye and said she really liked working with me. aww ❤😍😀 I love how sad things often show us how much love is in the world. ❤

It’s raining tonight and thundering. It seems fitting for my last day ever. I always loved rainy nights at work. ❤ 

I tried to take pictures of every square inch of the place. Most of them arent pretty but they arent meant to be. Theyre just for me to always have. I can never forget this place and have so many habits ingrained into me that i picked up here. One, for example, is when someone is talking to me, even not at work, I often look to the right while talking because when a customer asks for a certain kind of ice cream before saying ok, I look to the freezer on my right to be sure we have it first even though there are other freezers, that one is closest to see and i carried the habit over into conversations outside work. And I reach for a refrigerator that isnt there. It hasnt been for years but once in a while I reach to open it to get milk. The habit is so ingrained. And once in a while I still reach for the dipwell that hasnt been in place for about nine or ten years. I dont need pictures to help me remember! But i love to have them!

This reminds me how very powerful habits we develop are and I’m inspired to maintain\develop positive ones.

It’s going to take some getting used to not being here now. The place is a part of me and always will be. There are always good things about each stage, age, phase of life we’re currently experiencing. Closing time reminds me to always appreciate where I am and what I have; I usually do anyway but reminders are great! And Im inspired to share with others and suggest we all cherish right now even if it seems like it’s not so great. Single or taken, jobless, dead-end job, stressful job, great job, stay at home mom or dad, new child or no child, in love or not, college student or graduate, wedding planning, just married, living at home with the family we grew up with, on our own… or whatever stage we are in now, let’s embrace it, cherish it, look for the goodness in it. Each season or stage of life has its struggles, challenges, blessings, beauty, heartache, positive aspects, difficulties, love, joy….and there’s a chance when it ends we’re going to miss it even if we never thought we could. There are less regrets and less sadness, more joy and beauty when we lose something or someone if we did not take it for granted while we had it. It’s easier to let go or move forward when we knew what we had while we had it. Let’s be mindful of the love & beauty here & now.  There is nothing more painful than losing something or someone  that we love but never stopped to appreciate while we had the chance. I’m so thankful I knew what a blessing my job was (and always will be) to me. I always knew. So saying goodbye is still sad but so much easier than it could have been.

The girls gave me a shot of strawberry tequilia to see me off. At first I refused because I don’t drink alcohol and am not attracted to it in any way but my boss owns the bar across the street and she and the others, her family, my coworkers who work at the bar\kitchen really wanted me to take a shot so I did after some pleading and pushing! They all drank one with me and toasted to me and the business. ❤

The flavor is good! It’s kind of like a strawberry milkshake but alcohol flavored. But I did not like the sedated feeling or “buzz” feeling it brought me. It was nothing terrible or that I couldn’t handle but it also wasn’t the most pleasing. However, I did like how when I swallowed it, the very instant it went down my throat, I felt it throughout my whole body; it traveled up to my head n down to my toes. It was very powerful. I was reminded of being alive and mindful of my existence and body. I’m thankful for the experience. ❤

I will be seeing them at the Christmas party next month! 😀😍❤

I got so many well wishes today! Just about every person i encountered today I told my sad news to and they were all so encouraging about it and told me better things are coming to me! I know it’s true! This is the end that will lead to a new beginning! ❤😍😀 And here are a few songs that resonate with me:

“Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” (this song has always resonated with me in a deep way since I first heard it when I was very young. ❤ It gives me chills in a good way and tugs on my insides.)

Closing Time – semisonic – mobile

Closing Time – desktop

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

You’re Gonna Miss This – Trace Adkins – mobile

You’re Gonna Miss This – desktop

“I’ve been walkin’ these streets so long
Singin’ the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
Where hustle’s the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There’s been a load of compromisin’
On the road to my horizon
But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me” ❤

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell – mobile

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy – desktop

I’m wishing you much love, light, and happness, always! ❤ ~hugs~

xoxo Kim

Beginnings. ❤

Oct19

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“Auercliff is a house of secrets,” I continue, lowering my voice a little. “Too many secrets over time, all twisted together in knots. It’s too bloody old, is the problem. If I were queen of England, I’d decree that any house above one hundreds years in age should be knocked down so that its inhabitants can start again. In fact, I think I’d outlaw history entirely. All I’d keep would be literature and poetry.”

I’m reading a thrilling ghost story by Amy Cross! She’s one of my favorite authors! I don’t know where she comes up with this stuff! She writes mostly paranormal stuff i think. It’s all so fascinating! Her books though, are in some serious need of editing! She has no editor or her editor is a real slacker or something. But it never lessens my love for her writing! Hers are the books that keep me up reading late into the night until the sun comes up! Then i wake up a few hours later with bags under my eyes and dark circles and an aching body. lol But irresisible her stories are! ❤ 

This book is called “The Body at Auercliff” about a supposedly haunted mansion! I love ghost stories! I get all giddy! lol The excerpt above is out of this book. It’s said by a character named Verity. What a pretty name! It means truth. She is a little girl who is about to die but no one knows it yet. She’s going to contract influenza. That’s supposed to be how she dies but i don’t know if it really is yet. She if fourteen years old and says this shortly before she becomes ill. I find it inspiring that she sees destruction as a beginning to something better. A clean slate to rebuild something for the better.

I especially find this inspiring now because it can apply to my current situation. Recently I found out that very soon, as soon as the next week or two weeks, I may be out of a job! Sucky! lol  The store is closing up. Actually, I don’t know how true this is. My boss is trying to sell it but she doesn’t really tell us much. There has been a few occasions throughout the last year that I came close to losing my job. It’s disappointing and not the best news but certainly not the worst news! It will feel bizzarre not working. I havent been without a job in over ten years. That’s probably true for most people at least in the U.S. We mostly all have jobs and it sucks to lose them. But along with my disappointment I feel inspired. This is an opportunity, a push, to begin something better. Through the years I have tried to find other jobs but not as hard as I could have. It wasn’t urgent since I did have this job. But now I’m inspired to look more seriously for another job, even if just another store job temporarily.

I do have some work experience other than at the store but not much so it’s hard to find a different kind of job. But not impossible! I don’t like some of the comments I received in person. They seem too somber for the occasion! Like, it’s my job I’m losing; not my life! gee whiz! lol It’s only a job! I’ll find another one. I live with my dad who works and my mom so I won’t be out on the street or anything. 😀

I will greatly miss it here at the store. I love every second of working here and got so much experience in various ways. I love the customers, the joy it brings, everything. I always said even if I got a “real” job I want to still work at least one day as a server at a store or restaurant because nothing can match that joy of bringing joy to others, the families, the kids, the doggies, sometimes! It’s a very happy job! (usually! of course there will always be the occasional person acting in a difficult manner! but that’s just the way it goes!)

Even if i never again have a job as a food server, I will always have the memories to cherish! Also, another kind of job can be just as pleasing, even more in some ways! One of the things I absolutely love about my job is the simplicity of it. It is joyous and fun having conversations with customers, telling people our different toppings and confections, seeing the joy on their faces, the way they take pictures and laugh when it’s better than they expected. But I hope my next job or at least one in the near future will be more challenging. I want to work on projects, expand my creativity, come up with new ideas, do teamwork…. I definitely want a job working closely with people. How thrilling! But I am ready to move on to bigger and better things! ❤

Now I just have to hope I find something available! 😀

If you are experiencing the end of something great like I am and finding it overwhelmingly sad or seeing it as unfortunate or negative, try instead to see it as transition into something new. Focus on the inspiration of a new beginning instead of the sorrow of an ending. If you’ll be out of work against your will, like me, how about while searching for a new job, also use all your free days to learn something new, develop new skills, find a new or rekindle an old fun activity, do volunteer work, study something on your own. I felt anxiety off and on and embarrassment that I’ll be not working but i won’t let that drag me down. I’m going to fill my days with beauty and joy like I always do but add even more to it. I often work long hours, weeks in a row. I rarely have two days in a row off work. And just after a couple days off, I miss it and cant wait to be back. So being out of work will be hard not just because of less money when I already have very little, but it will take some getting used to. But I’ll fill my hours that I would be working, with something worthwile and positive instead of sulking.

I feel that this experience is like an invitation to evolve. And i want to inspire someone else to do the same. This doesnt have to be a low place! 😀😍 I am more full of wonder than sorrow or disappointment, more thrills than anxiety, more inspiration than attachment. 

Destruction, endings, ruin, losses…are all opportunities to rebuild, to come back even stronger. ❤

“So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits,
I hope you have found a friend,
Closing time, every new beginning,
Comes from some other beginning’s end…” ❤

Closing Time – Semisonic – mobile

Closing Time – Semisonic -desktop

Much love & light, always! ❤

xoxo Kim

 

 

Survivor❤

Oct4

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(suicide survivors)

“Risin’ up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive”

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor – mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

I met these beautiful souls Sunday morning! They were laughing because their big beautiful dog came running over to my dad and me. lol 😍❤ They lost someone close to them to suicide and they survived it! And they survive it each & every day and take their agony and use it for the good of others. 💔❤ How heartbreaking but inspiring! ❤

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(this isn’t him & this isn’t my photo – i got it on the Afsp page! Isn’t s\he adorable!? There were so many adorable furkins there!! 😍❤😀 )

On Sunday morning I attended the Out of the Darkness walk for suicide prevention. The money that is donated goes to education and community programs to help save lives.

I have been told by a couple of people that paying money for these kinds of things is pointless, stupid, and a waste. I completely disagree because days, weeks, months, years of ongoing research and exploration can all add up to eventual breakthroughs, discoveries and enough skills, knowledge, and ideas to come up with a cure for something or to discover a way to make things better. 

When a cure or solution or important info. is found for something, I don’t think it was usually found in a day with no previous research, funding, education, developing of skills…it all adds up and the journey of exploration, experimenting, or searching itself is valuable. There can be smaller but still significant steps along the way. Also, these walks do not just help in a monetary way, they are so healing and inspiring just to see all those people who care to show up. Each person has been touched in some way personally or just deeply cares about the cause. And often, it’s already too late for the ones walking. Many of them already lost someone to whatever it is, suicide, cancer, asthma….but they want to walk to bring awareness to and show support for, and prevent it happening to others. During the suicide prevention walk, we all wear honor beads of various colors to show the way we have been impacted by suicide. Or to show that we just support prevention and awareness. 

I loved doing the walk. I always feared that a suicide prevention walk may be a trigger for me, especially now because I am just coming out of a severe depressive episode, a bad one, one of the worst ones I experienced and this thing has lasted longer than they have in a while.

But I gathered up my inner strength and my courage and attended! And I found the walk inspiring and healing. To be surrounded by people who understand the pain of mental health conditions is a great thing. There’s a kind of irony about it. It’s amazing to see so many people supporting suicide awareness & prevention and understanding the pain that overwhelms those with mental illness and those who care for them. It’s so great that so many care and act on their love for those who are sick and have died. But it’s also extremely devastating because most people there on those walks have lost someone to suicide and know that pain all too well. And many others there struggle themselves. So while it’s a great thing that so many care to come out and walk, it’s so unfortunate that so many have experienced something so tragic and that so many struggle with mental health problems.

But at the walks, we focus on the bright side. The awareness brought to suicide and the research and programs supported by donations have so much potential to save lives. And we see that none of us are alone in our struggle. While we dont ever want anyone to be afflicted with our pain, we know they are. So it’s great to come together and find each other and see the incredible love everyone has for those grieving for their lost ones and those of us struggling. We take our pain and turn it into something good, bringing light into so much darkness. 

We were all given beads of various colors. Whatever our personal relation to suicide\mental illness is, we are given beads to indicate that, so others can see and know that someone understands our pain intimately.

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At first it felt so awkward wearing the beads, like I was advertising my condition. Everyone who looked at me knew so much just by the color of my beads. And most people there were not wearing the ones that are for a personal struggle; very tragically most seemed to have lost someone. Some individual people even wore just about all the colors to show they lost multiple people to suicide, parent, sibling, lover, friend, child….how tragic to lose even just one and some have lost many! 💔

So, anyway, for a while I walked around with my arms trying to cover my beads. It felt as if I was flaunting a thing that shouldn’t be flaunted. I felt in a way like I did when i experienced my first psychiatric hospitalization years ago, after years of suffering in secrecy then telling all of my deepest, darkest pain to a doctor (who was extremely compassionate & understanding), a person I did not know. I felt stripped to the bone, like people can see right through me, right through my flesh and guts and whatever else, and see the darkness of me.  But then I realized there was no need to conceal my beads! Everyone there understands. Even if they don’t struggle with suicidal inclination like I do, they love someone who does or someone who did and lost the battle or they were just there to support something they are passionate about even if they have no personal relation to it. No one was going to look at me and think “Psycho!” and even if they would have, so what? I know me and that’s really all that matters!😀 It’s my light that is stronger than the darkness. My light always shines through. ❤

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But as open about my condition both in person and online, as I am, see how still difficult it can be to let people in and know? Imagine what it’s like for people who aren’t open about it, to have to struggle and feel alone or try to conceal something so significant to them.

The great thing about wearing the beads is, others with the same struggle can feel a deep connection.

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(I love this bracelet especially because it glows in the dark! How inspiring! I did not even know until I walked into a dark room and a green light came on. ❤)

One of the other things I loved about the walk is the general atmosphere; it was cheerful and positive. Even though it had to do with suicide, it wasn’t gloomy or dark. There were lots of smiles, singing, lots of laughing and chatting. One person even said “It’s a beautiful day!” And the scenery is beautiful, water, trees, flowers, stones, weeds, buildings, statues, grass, concrete, plants, people, dogs…So much positivity and beauty through all the pain that brought us together. I also love the universal love that is expressed. Most of us don’t know each other or all the other sufferers like us, but everyone there has a strong desire, a great passion to help and save others, even those we don’t know. A few people talking through speakers who lost a person close to them said the deaths of those they love inspires them to work to save someone else. As sad as it is it’s also beautiful. There’s nothing they can do now to bring back the victims but they can honor them, helping others like them live as survivors instead of becoming more victims. ❤💔❤

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I have met people or read stories written by people who have lost someone to suicide and said if their story or donation to research can save even just one life, just one, they will feel like the death of the one they love and lost isn’t so senseless and will feel as if their person is being honored and still living on in a way. I am so inspired and so shattered when i hear or read a sentiment like that. I am inspired to live for them. Even when it is difficult and seems impossible or completely pointless, I want to live so their deaths don’t have to be so senseless, so their people can have their wish of even just one life spared, fulfilled, even if they won’t know it. I want to live for all the suicide survivors who do all they can to save a life I want to carry on for all those we lost and all those struggling, to try to bring hope and inspiration to anyone I can in any way I can. Though I’m not a saint and not always kind and loving. Sometimes I argue with people, laugh at stuff I probably shouldn’t be laughing at, sometimes I reject favors someone asks of me….and that’s ok and probably true for most of us! We don’t have to be absolutely perfect to be perfect in our own way and to be loving, kind, compassionate, and generous in general. ❤

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The thing about depression is that it does not necessarily get us to only see the negative or unpleasant side of life, as some may think. That is possible but not always so. Often with depression, we can and do see the bright side, the goodness, the beauty, the love. We often can see the positive things. But it doesn’t matter. The pain or the numbness make it so nothing has purpose, nothing matters, the good things aren’t enough to cheer us or if we’re suicidal, not enough to get us to want to live. I’m not speaking for everyone with depression but this is my experience and the experience of many of us. Sometimes even when something brings me deep joy, like my dogs for example, or the holiday season or beauty of nature….it just is vanquished by the pain, the deep despair of depression. It’s not always that there’s no joy with depression; but when there is, often, it just feels like it doesn’t matter.

But it is possible to seize all the good things, all the beauty, all the good things we can do for others, and hold on for them even in the throes of suicidal depression. It may take practice for it to become easier to list and live for the good but I can tell you it is possible. Recently I found myself in a very dark place that I almost forgot exists. It frightened me because it got to the point where my pain and despair felt so profoundly and so frequently like I was in another world, another place, one that is dark and pointless and never ending. My pain was connected to nothing on Earth and I knew it. It was nothing at all to do with anything. It’s not that I had no problems(though I had nothing serious going on), just that they were not what was depressing me. Some people do have environmental depression that is beyond the grief or distress almost anyone would have in that situation. But this isn’t what I have usually. What I have more than environmental depression is a deep, inherent sense of purposelessness and despair that has nothing to do with what I have or do or dont have or do. I do not have low self esteem so this depression i have is not a secondary thing as a result of that. When it flares up though, it’s often a general sense of despair about nothing in particular. And it starts on the top of my head like something physical and invisible and so heavy just crushing my whole body beneath the terrible weight of it. It surrounds me and is within me. It makes it hard for me to stand.

I knew I was in a bad way when i got out of a shower one day recently and saw my sweet boy sitting on my bed, my lil pomchi. He looked so adorable and was wagging his tail at me and i felt so much love for him and so much joy well up in me. But my despair was just so deep and my joy was just drowned in the depression, even though I was able to still feel it. I wanted to die even though my dog brings me so much love and joy and happiness.

So, you see, it’s not that we feel we have nothing necessarily, just that it’s like nothing matters, like nothing can conquer that despair and purposelessness. Nothing. But it’s not true. Love & beauty can conquer this illness. This sickness I know so well. It is a sickness. I know this because I can feel it. When it reaches a certain depth, I can’t think that it’s anything but a dark sickness come to take me, suffocate me, consume me. A sickness that grips me so tightly in its bondage I can hardly breathe. My whole body feels it. But Love can conquer it. Love for anyone or anything we can love. Even if we still want to die, still are in deep pain or so numb we can’t feel a thing; even when joy is drowned in despair, there is a reason to push through. It’s so hard but so possible.

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I live to bring hope to suicidal people. Hope that pain can end and until then, we can still live, still love, grasp any sliver of light we can. Even if the pain keeps coming back, it’s worth the struggle to live. And I live to bring hope to suicide survivors. Hope that the deaths of those they love and lost are not in vain. Their stories touch me; their love lifts me. I wish they never died but since they did and that cannot be changed, their pain can be used for goodness. I will keep giving, keep sharing, keep loving, keep living. I will always live to love even if I don’t always love to live. ❤ And I hope everyone else will too, no matter how hard it can get.

❤;;;;;❤

~L;ve~

~surv;vor~

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(A boy was carrying this sign Sunday, holding it up for anyone & everyone to see and I wanted to get a picture but did not have the chance then later i saw it on this rail thing here! This kind young man brought me so much love & hope with this act of love for all of us. Wishing us love and positivity even though he doesn’t know us is a perfect example of someone surrendering to universal love. ❤😍)

Much love & light to you, always!! 😍😀❤ And lots of hugs! Keep letting your light shine on us all. The world needs all of us. ❤

xoxo Kim

 

 

 

My Sweet girl❤

Sep6

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This is my sweet girl, Boobie three  years ago on her birthday! I had her since I was sixteen years old! I have been dreading today because it would have been her 14th birthday but she died two months ago. Her death devastates me but I’m much stronger than I was when my other dog, Koko, Boobie’s best friend died, three years ago. I love Boobie just as much as I love Koko but when Koko died I couldn’t laugh about anything for so long; I was numb for months. Sometimes I still experience raw grief for Koko and will for Boobie too, just like other losses. When koko died, I was still positive and thankful often, for her life with us but my strength and wisdom has deepened through the years and now I can cope with my more recent loss much better. I can still laugh everyday. I’m not as numb and I can look at pictures of Boobie more frequently than I could bring myself to do with Koko so soon.

Boobie had a beautiful life with us and was always happy! Each year we celebrated her day with cake and gifts and candles and singing. Her blankie in the pic above is a b-day gift for her 11th birthday. She loved it so much! ❤

I am shattered but have so much love and so many happy memories of my girl.

She was sweet and funny, loved to cuddle, especially with my mom! She was a big yapper and sometimes snappy. Lol She begged for food so frequently by throwing her head back and screaming and bringing us toys. 😍

She has twins! 💙

Woody & Quinny ❤

Boobie’s baby daddy, Emmy! So cute! ❤

We celebrate her today, giving her babies new bones! And our other dogs got treats too! We will love & celebrate Boobie furever! ❤💙💛💜💔💝😍 😀

 Much love & light, always,


Kim ❤

Love – Compassion <3

Jul10

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(my King, Oscar, & me last night! We’re in bed getting ready to go to sleep <3)

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo Buscaglia

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This is King Oscar! He used to be Prince Oscar but he has been promoted to King! 😀

❤

He's an old boy and can't really hear or see but he's very cuddly and loves to snuggle. He sleeps in my bed each night and snuggles on my neck! He also slobbers a lot. eww! lol

He is an extra large shih tzu!

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And this is my baby, Boobie. She died yesterday. 😦 </3

She was nearly fourteen years old and her life was just up. I am devestated but so thankful she had a loving furever home with me for so many years.

I had her since she was a pup & I was sixteen years old. I can't imagine this life without my girl. </3

But I focus on the positive, the love, the goodness, the happy memories. She was the sweetest girl, loving and funny, a barker and beggar! lol

She brought us toys and loved to snuggle with my mom!

My mom isn't well after our loss. She loves animals and Boobie was closest to her.

I have loved & lost many pets through the years and know this pain well but it always feels new in a way. Each loss feels unbearable sometimes even though there were many before.

But like I said, I'm focusing on the good and not dwelling too much on the sad loss.

I’m more sad for my baby than for me. I miss her but she’s the one dead. I would have died so she can live if I could have. But that can’t be so I’m just cherishing the love & memories!

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2016/07/05/me-you-and-a-dog-named-boobie-3/

❤

I'm wishing you much love & light, always. ❤

xoxo Kim

Blessing <3

Jul6

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“Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here. Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go. Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.” ~Pueblo blessing 

I love this quote!! It’s a beautiful reminder to treasure what is good in this life, even simple and mundane things like Earth, a single tree, nature, a simple goal…. and that we don’t need a lot to live and experience happiness. 

There’s always something good to grasp and savor even when it seems like all is wrong in the world. Even a handful of soil in our hands is beautiful, a reminder that we are alive, here on Earth and can feel, experience, sense. 

It’s so inspiring and so motivational, encouraging us to keep going, keep living, never giving up even when it seems easier to quit, whether it’s quitting an education that will contribute to a future job we are made for, because it seems too difficult, quitting a loved activity/hobby out of frustration or criticism by others, quitting a relationship that is worth holding onto just because of some challenges, giving up our faith that life is good and people are good, just because of very unpleasant encounters and situations and betrayal…, or quitting life itself because of depression, fear, anxiety, pain, illness….never give up!

This message is so profound, so wise, so inspiring. 

“Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.”

And I love the part about holding hands even when one of us goes away. Whether we lose someone through a breakup, just drifting apart, or through death, that person can still inspire us and we can still inspire that person(or whatever living being). 

Someone doesn’t have to see us or even want to necessarily, to cherish our memories together, treasure our love, be reminded of life lessons learned…

We can still hold hands even if we aren’t physically together. ❤

This is a stunningly beautiful quote and I'm so happy to share it here!! 😀 ❤

I hope it inspires others as deeply as it inspires me. ❤ ❤

Much love & light, always,

Xoxo Kim 

Insidious Chapter 3 {Love & Hope} <3

Jun15

I watched this movie again tonight and am inspired all over again! As I wrote, I love the life lessons this movie conveys whether or not they were intended. I feel that it’s a movie about staying alive even when it hurts, even when it feels unbearable. Our home is here on Earth for now. And here on Earth is where we belong right now. Don’t give up! Also, the part where the psychic lady tells the girl who lost her mom to cancer, that she can stop looking for her mom, she is always with her, whispering in her ear when she’s confused or feels alone, is one of the best. Even if we don’t believe in ghosts, spirits, angels….those we love & lose remain with us in memory, in our hearts/minds. We don’t have to look anymore. They are here, within, always. ❤ ❤ Much love & light to you, always. ❤

inspirationalgem's avatarA Dose of Inspiration

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“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” (Mayor Pappas, “City Hall” movie quote)

Last night I saw the movie Insidious chapter 3. I love the Insidious movies! They are seriously the creepiest movies I ever saw! And I’m not a believer in ghosts but hell if they don’t creep me out!  

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I absolutely love Insidious Chapter 3. It’s creepy, it’s dark, it’s distressing and thrilling. But that’s not why I love it so.

There are a few lessons to be learned, for some people. I don’t know if the writer/s intended to convey these subtle messages or I’m just really reading into the movie and seeing messages that are accidental. 

Please don’t read here any further if you intend to watch the movie and haven’t seen…

View original post 1,639 more words

The Rose <3

May22

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(our LOVE statue moved!!!)

“Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower and you, its only seed”

The Rose – Bette Midler/Wynonna Judd duet – mobile

The Rose – duet – desktop

This is one of my favorite songs ever. It’s a beautiful tune, achingly beautiful with a powerful message and incredible lyrics. 

I can listen to it every single day, and I usually do, and never get tired of it. 

There can be no better person to sing the song than Bette Midler. Her voice is stunning! 

In this version, both girls do an amazing job singing it, beautiful voices and passion! And it’s beautiful how they sing it together. Their friendship with one another is so sweet! Both women seem like loving and funny, lovely  ladies who are probably so much fun to know! ❤

The song never fails to give me chills no matter how often I listen to it.

It's interesting because I have loved the song for as long as I can remember but never as much as I do now. I used to listen to it when it would be playing but did not feel the startling beauty to the depth that I now do. 

Then one day recently it came on youtube and start playing right after another song I put on ended(I think a Phil Collins song). It's a live version(I don't usually like those but this I LOVE and when I love a live version of a song, I really love it, live ones can be even better than studio ones because they can be more passionate and candid along with the audience's love & passion). It struck me with its fierce beauty and I am now hooked forever. 

It's a beautiful contemplation of what love is, the different ways people define it and all of them can seem to be accurate but the best description, the true one, I think, is the one the singer describes.  


"Love is a flower and you its only seed"

I don't agree that love hurts or cuts or kills but it can seem that way. When we love someone who doesn't love us back, whether it's in a romantic or platonic way, when we love someone who dies or someone who is suffering, it can be agony. Like these lyrics, it can feel like the very soul of us is slashed and bleeding.  But it's not the love itself that hurts, it's attachment, other things mixed with love, tainting it, that feels like it's slashing our soul to shreds. Love only heals, only liberates. It never hurts. Rejection hurts, being abandoned hurts, grief hurts, loss hurts, attachment hurts and so these things involving it hurts. Those things are not love; they are just associated with it. Pure love heals. Pure love sets us free. Pure love is bliss. 

Pure love is wanting someone to be happy with or without us even if those people are with others. Pure love is letting go when we must. Pure love is giving to others, helping, inspiring, expecting nothing in return. 

Love serves; it doesn’t cling. Clinginess dilutes it.

Love is also a state of BEing, a state of living, a state of existing, an essence. There doesn't always have to be a specific target of our love. We can just feel love coursing through our veins like the very blood that sustains us. When we engage in activities we love, activities that inspire us, liberate us, we live in love. 

Love can also be an affection or feeling, a verb/action, wanting others to be happy,  when we reach out to others, to help, to heal, to uplift, to inspire… we reach out in love. Love can be self love, romantic, platonic, or universal, all encompassing love, love for all sentient beings, love for the uni-verse and all it contains, love for life itself. 

Love is a flower and we are the seeds. The seed that blossoms into love. We have the potential to bloom just like a beautiful flower. 

We are responsible for the "seeds" we plant. 
Every word we say, thought we think, action we take is a seed.

When we plant seeds of love, it's love that blooms eventually. 

When we think loving thoughts, perform loving actions, speak genuine loving words, they blossom into Love. 

We aren't responsible for what others do, only what we do. When other people do not act in a loving manner, we can still choose to act in love, live in love. This doesn't mean others are getting over on us or that we are being a pushover or don't have a backbone. As long as we live in love and don't let things outside of the self get to us, we are empowered no matter what is done to us. 


"It's the heart, afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying that never learns to live"

This is an important and poignant message about taking chances, being open and welcoming all that life is and can give, a reminder to love and live and to give even through the fear and pain and loss. 

It's better to take chances and lose and fall and truly live than to build up walls out of fear of losing and experiencing pain.

Life itself is a beautiful blessing and why resist it just to avoid pain? If we shield our selves against the risk of losing and heartbreak and falling then we also close our self off to the possibility of deep experience, love, all the blessings in this life. It's true if we don't take chances and risk pain then we likely won't be hurt as deeply but then we won't feel happiness or love as deeply either. 

And to experience deep love is worth the risk of deep pain & loss. 

We are blessed to be alive, let's take advantage of this beautiful gift! We can learn to live with and cope with pain & loss and still be happy. 

It's worth the chance! ❤

😀

This goes for anything, the risk of "failing" after amazing success, the risk of losing someone to a breakup or death or drifting apart, the risk of trying and not succeeding as we planned, the risk of having a great job then losing it, the risk of reaching out and being rejected…anything. To have is to eventually lose but that is ok, it's just part of living. Most things come to an end, some more tragically and unexpectedly than others but change & end is the nature of things, part of the essence of life. 
So let's cherish it while we still have it and be prepared as much as possible for when it ends. Nothing and no one is really ours forever. While it's scary and heartbreaking, it's just the truth. 
Let's experience it fully now and have less regrets and more experience later.


"When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes the rose"

Love is for everyone, not just the lucky & the strong. Everyone. ❤

With love(all love, not just romantic love), we are all lucky & strong. 

There's always hope, always love. Everyone has the capacity to love and the chance to be loved. 

Isn't this song breathtaking?! The music, her voice, the lyrics, the concept…it's perfect!  

I think of this as a universal love song. 

"Love is a flower and you its only seed"

Here is the non live version:

The Rose – Bette Midler – mobile

The Rose – Bette Midler – desktop

Much love & light to you, always! 

{——-{——@ ❤ ❤ 

~Hugs~

Xoxo Kim 

A beautiful question…

Apr26

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I wrote this yesterday but just posting it now.


“Instead of asking why they left, now I ask ‘What beauty will I create in the space they no longer occupy?'”

I saw this quote today. So inspiring and full of so much wisdom. 

Instead of dwelling on what or who we lose or no longer have around in the same way we did before, we can see this experience as an opportunity to create more beauty, filling our empty spaces or spaces no longer occupied in the same way, with that. 

We can still have a space for people and things we lose either to breakups, death, just drifting apart…but fill the rest of the space with new beauty and new hope. 

Loss can remind and teach us valuable life lessons. It can open us up to deep wisdom within. It can spark our creativity and motivate us to act and think in productive and positive ways. 

When people/animals and things leave us, we don’t have to be dragged down too long. We can get back up and use this new space for something bright and beautiful. 

This can be for any loss including loss of a job. If we lose our job, we can take the space and time we now have to build on ourselves, do something inspiring, find a new hobby, focus more on a current one, read books, volunteer work….until we can get a new job. 

This can also apply to loss of ability. 
If we are injured and temporarily bedridden (or even permanently), instead of sulking, we can come up with many interesting and positive things we still can do. Even if all we can do is meditate or think positive thoughts, feel the sunlight streaming through the windows…

It’s always great to look on the bright side. We cannot always prevent misfortune or tragedy and cannot always control our circumstances but we can choose to be positive about it even if we cannot feel positive right away. 

We can still act in positive ways until we begin to feel positive and happy even in our unpleasant situation. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful!  

I hope your day is going beautifully or night if it’s night where you are! I still have much catching up to do with blogs & comments and stuff. This is my eleventh day in a row working, sometimes two shifts straight through with no break! I’m a server and cashier at a store and in Spring & Summer it can be very demanding. I don’t usually have to work this much. There’s no one else available right now. But I love my job and all the people! It’s just unfortunate that I have been slacking with responses to comments/e-mails and stuff. It’s not that I don’t have time, I just haven’t been managing it well. I’m working on that!

I deeply appreciate every message, like, share, and all that I receive!
Thank You!! ❤

😀

Much love & light to you, always!

❤ xoxo Kim

A dream

Mar25

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“Reading departure signs in some big airport
Reminds me of the places I’ve been
Visions of good times that brought so much pleasure
Makes me want to go back again
If it suddenly ended tomorrow
I could somehow adjust to the fall
Good times and riches and son of a bitches
I’ve seen more than I can recall
These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands
If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane”

Last night I dreamed about my dog, Koko. I rarely have dreams about her but she’s always on my mind. Koko died of old age in April 2013. It’s one of the worst kinds of pain I ever experienced. I never felt anything worse.
Just like the sensation I mentioned here before that I experience after losing my human friend, Diane ( here:
https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2016/02/14/rhythm-of-my-heart-3/ ), I have this feeling sometimes, after losing Koko, like a significant part of my physical body is missing, like it has been torn off in some kind of trauma. 

Losing Diane and losing Koko are equally painful to me but losing Diane is more traumatic. 

This is because I have had pets my whole life, have loved and lost them (usually to old age) for as long as I can remember. Domesticated animals generally do not live as long as people and while I’m never used to losing a pet, I’m more prepared or expectant of it even if it’s completely unexpected, than losing a human friend or family member, especially suddenly or unexpectedly like how we lost Diane. 

I always knew that if I live long enough, one day I would be without Koko. I used to feel I couldn’t live without her and I dreaded the day I would be forced to. I used to imagine sometimes, what it would be like if she wasn’t here and I could hardly bear it. But those imaginings prepared me better for it even though that wasn’t my intention. I don’t usually imagine what it will be like without certain people because even though they can die soon, I just don’t expect it to happen. I expect it more with nonhumans. Their lifespan is often no more than fifteen years and they seem to have much for fragile lives than people, at least to me. 

Very fortunately, Koko lived a long happy life with my family and me. A few days before she died, I knew she wouldn’t be around much longer. She seemed very aged more than usual and she slowed up and stopped coming to the door to greet me as I came in. She ate her slim jims I gave her as treats, more slowly than ever. It was and still is so painful but my mind was getting prepared as much as it possibly could, to lose her.

She slept in bed with me every night and took naps with me. She slept on my chest almost every night. It was so cute! She was a pom mix and she never barked and was extremely gentle and loving. 

She had a warm, gentle energy that I always felt.

Koko died exactly one week before we were going to celebrate her fourteenth birthday with my other dog whose birthday is close to Koko’s. We don’t know Koko’s exact birthday but she was born in April 1999.  

It’s hard to handle the fact that she’s gone forever but I accept it and move forward. I always have the loving memories of her. And I was always and still am so thankful to have had her for as long as I did. What better way to go than old age surrounded by love? What better way to lose someone? There isn’t one. We are blessed even when it’s hard to feel it. 

It still hurts me sometimes to look at pictures of her. And there are still some moments even almost three years later, where the pain of this loss is so immense it knocks the wind out of me and I feel I can’t go on. These occasions are not frequent but they exist. I think they always will but that’s ok. 

There’s another kind of pain that exists now that this loss is no longer very recent. There was something so comforting knowing I just saw her alive a week ago, a few months ago…but as the years go on, the day I last saw her gets further and further away and that’s so painful.  

Sometimes I feel like it was all a mistake, all those moments, all those days I realized I can go on even with the pain. I think it was a mistake and that I really can’t. I know it’s not true but it feels that way sometimes. 

In my dream I saw her so vividly and it was shocking. In my dream she was still dead and I was looking through old things of mine and came across a video of Koko that just started playing and I was screaming “turn it off, stop, I can’t see it!” My mom was there but I’m not sure who I was yelling to. I was filled with fear and pain to see her moving around on a video so clearly knowing I’ll never see her for real again. 

But the video wouldn’t stop playing and as much as I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. I wanted to see my baby again in any way I could no matter how painful. 

So while I was filled with fear and agony, I was also filled with deep love, gratitude, beauty, joy….

Then in my dream, Koko materialized or something and became real once again just for a moment for me to hug and to hold. She looked right at me and made eye contact. I was so happy in my dream. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing and my mom too. It was beautiful. It still is beautiful even in my waking hours. 

I woke up in pain and gratitude. 
The dream stirred up that raw grief in me (or maybe unconscious raw grief provoked the dream?) and there have been moments off and on today when my grief gets overwhelming again and nearly unbearable. 

I’m thankful for the dream. I loved seeing her so vividly and feeling all those emotions. 

The fact that Koko died of old age doesn’t make my grief and sense of loss any less profound or painful but it is a sense of consolation and contributes to it being less traumatic to me and easier to bear.

Six days after Koko died I thought I wanted to die too. I wasn’t depressed but the pain was so bad. When Koko died, it was six months that I haven’t been suicidal for, which back then, was the longest I was able to go in many years without being suicidal. I did not consider it a relapse because it wasn’t the depressed suicidal. I was just overwhelmed in grief. 

It took three months after Koko died, for me to begin feeling like myself again and four months to feel completely like me again. 

After losing Koko, I felt like I lost me too. For months I felt numb but with pain and I also felt joy and happiness underneath because I’m naturally very happy. But I did not laugh as much after Koko died. I still found things amusing, things to chuckle about but for months I did not have those deep belly laughs I have almost every day, even when I’m depressed usually. When I’m depressed I can still laugh deeply but not as deeply usually, there’s some kind of damper or something numbing it. But with this grief, I couldn’t even laugh like that. 

At first I did not realize what was wrong but I knew something was. I felt very different than usual. Very off. I began to grieve for myself along with my dog. I felt like I not only lost her but lost me too. I felt like I was an almost empty shell of what I was before this significant loss.

There are things this grief took away that even depression doesn’t usually take away, like my ability to be easily amused and laugh hysterically over everything and nothing. Also, my sense of self became weakened. But this experience while weakening it, also helped me strengthen it. 

Even with depression, I can usually feel myself underneath but this grief numbed me until I felt not like someone else but a shadow of me.

Depression does worse things usually, in some ways, than grief (like takes away every ounce of pleasure and joy, provokes suicidal inclination…)but there are some things this grief did to me that depression usually doesn’t. 

Many occasions I couldn’t be amused over things I usually would be laughing hysterically at and other occasions I would begin to feel amused and consciously or unconsciously talk myself out of it, telling myself I can’t be laughing when Koko just recently died.

The night before Koko died, I got new shirts and whenever I began to be thrilled about them my head would quickly remind me to stop because soon Koko won’t be here anymore. 

This isn’t a good thing. And it wasn’t always my conscious decision to not let myself experience joy and laughter.

It was often automatic.

A few months after Koko’s death, I listened to a song sung by Jimmy Buffet and I laughed hysterically, uncontrollably and I instantly felt like me again. It felt like heaven. Like being home again. I found myself again.
Then I listened to more of his songs and laughed even more. 

I realized even more how I only felt like a faint shadow of me for the last few months, how I stopped laughing.

This experience helped me realize even more how playful and easily amused I am. I always knew but this experience reminded me even more how much of an integral part of me my playful side is. 

I was and am inspired by this experience, this revelation that nothing can take away my true self no matter what. Even if it goes into hiding for a while, scared to come out and play again, my true self is always here and will always resurface. I will laugh again. Love again. Live again.

I’m not thankful that Koko died but I’m thankful for the experience surrounding my loss. I can still see light and beauty in it even through the agony.

It’s also interesting to view it in comparison with the loss of my human friend. The pain is very similar but both losses have differences also and challenges that the other one does not have so much. In some ways it’s harder to endure the situation of losing Diane but in other ways it’s more difficult to endure the situation of losing Koko. This isn’t because the loss of one is more painful or greater or because one is loved more. There are different factors associated with some losses that may contribute to it being more difficult to handle one loss in some ways, than another.

We can love two people who die, equally, but still find the loss of one more difficult for whatever reason. Maybe the one loss was more unexpected or tragic or whoever the person is to us somehow makes it seem more difficult to lose that one. Losing a child, for example, is most likely the most unexpected loss. And losing a pet is probably more expected to many, than losing a human friend or family member. Losing someone to homicide or suicide or some other senseless way is probably more difficult to cope with for many people than loss to a heart attack or an illness that couldn’t be prevented. This isn’t necessarily true for everyone but definitely some. 

I think it’s best not to judge others based on our own or other people’s experiences. Just because I find something easier or more difficult doesn’t mean someone else does.
And just because I react a certain way when I feel a certain way doesn’t mean someone who reacts differently than I do, feels differently. Two people can both feel a similar emotion or have a similar opinion but react very differently. Two people can be just as devastated but one cries and one doesn’t or one can get out of bed and one feels like s/he cannot. 

This is another great way to cope with tragedy and significant losses and other pain and difficulty, to view the situation with curiosity, wonder, and fascination instead of just all in a negative light. 

My dream, while seemingly simple, is so thought provoking and inspiring and sad and beautiful. 

I am reminded to let me laugh when I feel the urge no matter what is going on. It’s ok to laugh. To repress my mirth won’t bring back the dead or heal the tragedy or reverse the destruction in the world. All repression of joy & laughter serves to do is have even less joy in the world. Dwelling on pain just brings more pain. It perpetuates the seriousness and devastation. 

I hope if you are grieving or experiencing another kind of pain, you find some sense of consolation and beauty even through the darkness and still let yourself laugh and live. It’s ok and laughing is good for healing. 

We don’t have to be so serious. 
Life doesn’t have to be so serious. 

Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes – Jimmy Buffett – mobile

Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes – desktop

Hugs to you and much love & light, always, 

Xoxo Kim