Offering them the victory❤

(me in Philadelphia❤) 😀

“May I take defeat upon myself
And offer them the victory”

I recently read a novel called The Bonesetters Daughter written by Amy Tan, about a Chinese family. It is a wonderful story, a real page turner! The daughter and her mom live in the U.S. but her mom grew up in China. Even though she lived in the U.S. for many years now, her English is limited. Her daughter speaks English and does not know Chinese characters very well. Her mom is losing her memory (she was diagnosed with Dementia) and gives her daughter a stack of papers she wrote in Chinese so her daughter can read about her mom’s life as a girl and young woman. She did not have an easy life and experienced a few tragedies and had to live during a war. Her mom is extremely superstitious, the opposite of her daughter who is more practical and grounded in reason. They have always had a tumultuous relationship and the daughter now wants to make it better.

Here is a line out of this novel that I find so beautiful and deeply inspiring:

“I was not afraid. I believed that if I was respectful to both the Chinese gods and the Christian one, neither would harm me. I reasoned that Chinese people were polite and also practical about life. The Chinese gods understood that we were living in a Western household run by Americans. If the gods could speak, they, too, would insist that the Christian deities have the better position. Chinese people, unlike foreigners, did not try to push their ideas on others. Let the foreigners follow their own ways, no matter how strange they were, that was their thinking.”

In the book, this girl was disowned by her family and sent to an orphanage, run by Americans even though it’s in China, that was previously a monastery run by Buddhist and Taoist monks at different points. The building has many statues and carvings of Buddhist and Taoist figures. The teachers of the orphanage are mostly Christian Americans and the one wants to turn all the statues into Christian figures. While I don’t like this idea of ruining or changing beautiful statues I love the sentiment that the girl displays, respect and love for those of another culture; allowing them to have the victory. They are in her country wanting to change statues representing her culture into something that represents their own and she is kind enough to allow it without animosity or protest, even helping them transform the statues and carvings into what they want them to be. I love how she says Chinese people do not push their ideas on others, though I don’t believe that speaking out against destroying statues is forcing their beliefs on the American people. It’s the Americans in this story who are pushing their beliefs on people by converting the Buddhist and Taoist figures to Christian ones, since they are originally Buddhist and Taoist, not Christian. If there were a beautiful Jesus statue, I wouldn’t think it should be turned into a Buddha even though much of the Buddhist philosophy resonates deeply with me.

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But I love how she respects their religion and decision and doesn’t feel angry, offended, or wronged, like the statues are being defaced. My favorite part is where she says:

“If the gods could speak, they, too, would insist that the Christian deities have the better position.”

This is a beautiful concept, putting others first, not out of fear of confrontation, a sense of low self esteem, or anything of that sort, but out of true desire for others to be happy. This is true love. To let others be first and a great strength to not feel that we are being put out or walked all over or being degraded. Also, i love the display of non attachment here. They are not attached to their statues or their religion or culture. They do not overly identify with any of it even if they appreciate and celebrate it. They do not feel destroyed when their possessions are destroyed and do not feel cheated or offended when their culture or religion is questioned, criticized, or trumped\overpowered by another, even though the Americans are on the Chinese people’s turf.

I am an Atheist and do not believe in anything supernatural, no gods or ghosts or other spirits, not the afterlife or anything of that sort…I don’t believe in Karma in a spiritual sense or psychics or astrology…I’m skeptic as can be but am not offended by religious statues or music or messages and in fact, often am inspired by them. I have no problem with psychic shops or stores of crystals and potions and stuff. I don’t mind people praying for me or wearing cross or Jesus pendants or saying “God bless..” or “Merry Christmas…” Many Atheists I meet both online and off, have this idea that Atheism = Anti religion or should entail hostility for religion or gods and\or those who believe in them. But to me that is absolutely ridiculous. Religion itself is not the problem; it’s when people begin to force it on others and use it to interfere with others that it becomes a serious problem. Look at all the religious people who kill in the name of religion or their god\s. But look at all the ones who never kill or use their religion as a weapon against others. Why allow the murderous ones to represent the whole lot of them?

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My post here isn’t even just about accepting other religious beliefs but about offering the victory in general, even in seemingly trivial situations. This life can be so much easier and more peaceful when we let things slide that really aren’t important. So what if someone looks at us the wrong way, cuts us off in traffic, abrupty brushes by us on a crowded street, takes credit for something that is our idea, copies our style…??? In general, I’m very easy going but even I don’t always live up to this sentiment. Especially in interactions with my sister.

We have “opposing” personalities. I’m playful; she’s very serious. I’m dirty minded and she’s all proper. I think risque jokes are hilarious and she’s appalled. To me, most things are trivial but to her, one little mishap or problem is the end of the world. And sometimes I give into arguments with her instead of letting it slide. It ends up with her screaming and cursing me out and me saying little, dumb, uncalled for things back that only fuel her fury. And she carries the grudge long after I’m completely over it. The point is, who cares who is right? Let’s let others be right even when they aren’t (maybe not in every case! some things are important to speak up about). Let them take the credit, sling insults, have their way…it’s really not important.

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2015/02/25/offering-the-victory-universal-love-3/

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(this one isn’t mine!)

It’s beautiful how in the story the young girl extends her love to the Christian god and validates the beliefs of both cultures, American Christians & Chinese polytheism. It’s true, not all differences in religious or other beliefs can be reconciled. Some just blantly oppose each other.

Even though there are opposing beliefs though, we do not have to oppose each other.

Much love & light to you, always! ❤😍😀

xoxo Kim

Survivor❤

Oct4

(suicide survivors)

“Risin’ up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive”

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor – mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

I met these beautiful souls Sunday morning! They were laughing because their big beautiful dog came running over to my dad and me. lol 😍❤ They lost someone close to them to suicide and they survived it! And they survive it each & every day and take their agony and use it for the good of others. 💔❤ How heartbreaking but inspiring! ❤

(this isn’t him & this isn’t my photo – i got it on the Afsp page! Isn’t s\he adorable!? There were so many adorable furkins there!! 😍❤😀 )

On Sunday morning I attended the Out of the Darkness walk for suicide prevention. The money that is donated goes to education and community programs to help save lives.

I have been told by a couple of people that paying money for these kinds of things is pointless, stupid, and a waste. I completely disagree because days, weeks, months, years of ongoing research and exploration can all add up to eventual breakthroughs, discoveries and enough skills, knowledge, and ideas to come up with a cure for something or to discover a way to make things better.

When a cure or solution or important info. is found for something, I don’t think it was usually found in a day with no previous research, funding, education, developing of skills…it all adds up and the journey of exploration, experimenting, or searching itself is valuable. There can be smaller but still significant steps along the way. Also, these walks do not just help in a monetary way, they are so healing and inspiring just to see all those people who care to show up. Each person has been touched in some way personally or just deeply cares about the cause. And often, it’s already too late for the ones walking. Many of them already lost someone to whatever it is, suicide, cancer, asthma….but they want to walk to bring awareness to and show support for, and prevent it happening to others. During the suicide prevention walk, we all wear honor beads of various colors to show the way we have been impacted by suicide. Or to show that we just support prevention and awareness.

I loved doing the walk. I always feared that a suicide prevention walk may be a trigger for me, especially now because I am just coming out of a severe depressive episode, a bad one, one of the worst ones I experienced and this thing has lasted longer than they have in a while.

But I gathered up my inner strength and my courage and attended! And I found the walk inspiring and healing. To be surrounded by people who understand the pain of mental health conditions is a great thing. There’s a kind of irony about it. It’s amazing to see so many people supporting suicide awareness & prevention and understanding the pain that overwhelms those with mental illness and those who care for them. It’s so great that so many care and act on their love for those who are sick and have died. But it’s also extremely devastating because most people there on those walks have lost someone to suicide and know that pain all too well. And many others there struggle themselves. So while it’s a great thing that so many care to come out and walk, it’s so unfortunate that so many have experienced something so tragic and that so many struggle with mental health problems.

But at the walks, we focus on the bright side. The awareness brought to suicide and the research and programs supported by donations have so much potential to save lives. And we see that none of us are alone in our struggle. While we dont ever want anyone to be afflicted with our pain, we know they are. So it’s great to come together and find each other and see the incredible love everyone has for those grieving for their lost ones and those of us struggling. We take our pain and turn it into something good, bringing light into so much darkness.

We were all given beads of various colors. Whatever our personal relation to suicide\mental illness is, we are given beads to indicate that, so others can see and know that someone understands our pain intimately.

At first it felt so awkward wearing the beads, like I was advertising my condition. Everyone who looked at me knew so much just by the color of my beads. And most people there were not wearing the ones that are for a personal struggle; very tragically most seemed to have lost someone. Some individual people even wore just about all the colors to show they lost multiple people to suicide, parent, sibling, lover, friend, child….how tragic to lose even just one and some have lost many! 💔

So, anyway, for a while I walked around with my arms trying to cover my beads. It felt as if I was flaunting a thing that shouldn’t be flaunted. I felt in a way like I did when i experienced my first psychiatric hospitalization years ago, after years of suffering in secrecy then telling all of my deepest, darkest pain to a doctor (who was extremely compassionate & understanding), a person I did not know. I felt stripped to the bone, like people can see right through me, right through my flesh and guts and whatever else, and see the darkness of me. But then I realized there was no need to conceal my beads! Everyone there understands. Even if they don’t struggle with suicidal inclination like I do, they love someone who does or someone who did and lost the battle or they were just there to support something they are passionate about even if they have no personal relation to it. No one was going to look at me and think “Psycho!” and even if they would have, so what? I know me and that’s really all that matters!😀 It’s my light that is stronger than the darkness. My light always shines through. ❤

But as open about my condition both in person and online, as I am, see how still difficult it can be to let people in and know? Imagine what it’s like for people who aren’t open about it, to have to struggle and feel alone or try to conceal something so significant to them.

The great thing about wearing the beads is, others with the same struggle can feel a deep connection.

(I love this bracelet especially because it glows in the dark! How inspiring! I did not even know until I walked into a dark room and a green light came on. ❤)

One of the other things I loved about the walk is the general atmosphere; it was cheerful and positive. Even though it had to do with suicide, it wasn’t gloomy or dark. There were lots of smiles, singing, lots of laughing and chatting. One person even said “It’s a beautiful day!” And the scenery is beautiful, water, trees, flowers, stones, weeds, buildings, statues, grass, concrete, plants, people, dogs…So much positivity and beauty through all the pain that brought us together. I also love the universal love that is expressed. Most of us don’t know each other or all the other sufferers like us, but everyone there has a strong desire, a great passion to help and save others, even those we don’t know. A few people talking through speakers who lost a person close to them said the deaths of those they love inspires them to work to save someone else. As sad as it is it’s also beautiful. There’s nothing they can do now to bring back the victims but they can honor them, helping others like them live as survivors instead of becoming more victims. ❤💔❤

I have met people or read stories written by people who have lost someone to suicide and said if their story or donation to research can save even just one life, just one, they will feel like the death of the one they love and lost isn’t so senseless and will feel as if their person is being honored and still living on in a way. I am so inspired and so shattered when i hear or read a sentiment like that. I am inspired to live for them. Even when it is difficult and seems impossible or completely pointless, I want to live so their deaths don’t have to be so senseless, so their people can have their wish of even just one life spared, fulfilled, even if they won’t know it. I want to live for all the suicide survivors who do all they can to save a life I want to carry on for all those we lost and all those struggling, to try to bring hope and inspiration to anyone I can in any way I can. Though I’m not a saint and not always kind and loving. Sometimes I argue with people, laugh at stuff I probably shouldn’t be laughing at, sometimes I reject favors someone asks of me….and that’s ok and probably true for most of us! We don’t have to be absolutely perfect to be perfect in our own way and to be loving, kind, compassionate, and generous in general. ❤

The thing about depression is that it does not necessarily get us to only see the negative or unpleasant side of life, as some may think. That is possible but not always so. Often with depression, we can and do see the bright side, the goodness, the beauty, the love. We often can see the positive things. But it doesn’t matter. The pain or the numbness make it so nothing has purpose, nothing matters, the good things aren’t enough to cheer us or if we’re suicidal, not enough to get us to want to live. I’m not speaking for everyone with depression but this is my experience and the experience of many of us. Sometimes even when something brings me deep joy, like my dogs for example, or the holiday season or beauty of nature….it just is vanquished by the pain, the deep despair of depression. It’s not always that there’s no joy with depression; but when there is, often, it just feels like it doesn’t matter.

But it is possible to seize all the good things, all the beauty, all the good things we can do for others, and hold on for them even in the throes of suicidal depression. It may take practice for it to become easier to list and live for the good but I can tell you it is possible. Recently I found myself in a very dark place that I almost forgot exists. It frightened me because it got to the point where my pain and despair felt so profoundly and so frequently like I was in another world, another place, one that is dark and pointless and never ending. My pain was connected to nothing on Earth and I knew it. It was nothing at all to do with anything. It’s not that I had no problems(though I had nothing serious going on), just that they were not what was depressing me. Some people do have environmental depression that is beyond the grief or distress almost anyone would have in that situation. But this isn’t what I have usually. What I have more than environmental depression is a deep, inherent sense of purposelessness and despair that has nothing to do with what I have or do or dont have or do. I do not have low self esteem so this depression i have is not a secondary thing as a result of that. When it flares up though, it’s often a general sense of despair about nothing in particular. And it starts on the top of my head like something physical and invisible and so heavy just crushing my whole body beneath the terrible weight of it. It surrounds me and is within me. It makes it hard for me to stand.

I knew I was in a bad way when i got out of a shower one day recently and saw my sweet boy sitting on my bed, my lil pomchi. He looked so adorable and was wagging his tail at me and i felt so much love for him and so much joy well up in me. But my despair was just so deep and my joy was just drowned in the depression, even though I was able to still feel it. I wanted to die even though my dog brings me so much love and joy and happiness.

So, you see, it’s not that we feel we have nothing necessarily, just that it’s like nothing matters, like nothing can conquer that despair and purposelessness. Nothing. But it’s not true. Love & beauty can conquer this illness. This sickness I know so well. It is a sickness. I know this because I can feel it. When it reaches a certain depth, I can’t think that it’s anything but a dark sickness come to take me, suffocate me, consume me. A sickness that grips me so tightly in its bondage I can hardly breathe. My whole body feels it. But Love can conquer it. Love for anyone or anything we can love. Even if we still want to die, still are in deep pain or so numb we can’t feel a thing; even when joy is drowned in despair, there is a reason to push through. It’s so hard but so possible.

I live to bring hope to suicidal people. Hope that pain can end and until then, we can still live, still love, grasp any sliver of light we can. Even if the pain keeps coming back, it’s worth the struggle to live. And I live to bring hope to suicide survivors. Hope that the deaths of those they love and lost are not in vain. Their stories touch me; their love lifts me. I wish they never died but since they did and that cannot be changed, their pain can be used for goodness. I will keep giving, keep sharing, keep loving, keep living. I will always live to love even if I don’t always love to live. ❤ And I hope everyone else will too, no matter how hard it can get.

❤;;;;;❤

~L;ve~

~surv;vor~

(A boy was carrying this sign Sunday, holding it up for anyone & everyone to see and I wanted to get a picture but did not have the chance then later i saw it on this rail thing here! This kind young man brought me so much love & hope with this act of love for all of us. Wishing us love and positivity even though he doesn’t know us is a perfect example of someone surrendering to universal love. ❤😍)

Much love & light to you, always!! 😍😀❤ And lots of hugs! Keep letting your light shine on us all. The world needs all of us. ❤

xoxo Kim

Live in Love <3

Oct3

A verse out of a version of the Dhammapada that I have & love!! 😀

Much love & light to you, always!! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

Coffee beans (because I just can’t think of a good post title)

Oct2

Thursday was free coffee day at wawa! Any size, any flavor, any amount of cups for free! Hot coffee that is! No iced coffee for free. It was so bizarre to see countless people walking in, making up cups of coffee and just walking out without even getting into a line! And no one was watching to be sure we weren’t walking out with stuff other than coffee without paying. And no one seemed to care that some people were taking out multiple cups of coffee in carriers.

It’s not everyday we see many people walking out of stores with stuff without paying! It was kind of like a madhouse in there! Lol Can you guess what kind of coffee I got?! That’s right! Pumpkin! 😉

It was delectable! Luckily I was also buying soda and had to get in line because it would have felt so awkward making up coffee and just leaving. My mom and sister said it wouldnt but to me, it would feel like stealing even though it’s not!
I also attended Buddhist class, which was lovely. I love the teacher! She’s a lay Buddhist who was filling in for our teacher Gen Tenzin who I also love! He has to travel the world sometimes, to teach Buddhism in other countries and stuff. He is a Buddhist monk. Eve, our teacher, Thursday, is very gentle and loving and one of the people with energy that I feel resonates deeply with my own. Just to be near her is very calming. She’s also funny and very patient. She taught me how to make a mala one year and wasnt annoyed when I couldn’t catch on and messed stuff up. It’s hard to learn to tie the knot and I really just couldn’t and kept needing help. It was awkward having to keep asking for help but she showed no signs at all of being annoyed. Even in school as a child I had teachers who would get so annoyed when kids needed extra help. But Eve is more than happy to show us the way even when we struggle. Patience is a virtue she masters well. ❤ I am very thankful to have met her and know her. 😀

Thursday night she reminded us to give thanks, even if just in our head, for all the kindness others show us and to be aware of all the ways in which we are helped by others. There is an infinite number of ways we count on and are helped by others, people packaging our food, making our clothes that we buy, teaching us skills like writing, reading, driving, preparing coffee beans n stuff…and she reminded us to always be thankful for our mom who took great care of us, gave us life or the life we had growing up, loves us, fed and clothed us… Even if there is someone we have a tumultuous or strained relationship with, we can give thanks for the practical things that person has done for us.

Instead of thinking merely in “selfish” terms like we have a job, money, a place to live, all because we accomplished it, we can shift our focus to how others helped us get to those places, building our house, teaching us the skills for that job, giving us the job…this is very transformative and a great way to live, focusing on gratitude and the kindness of others. We can still take pleasure in our own accomplishments while acknowledging how others help us get here along the way.

Also, we are encouraged to be conscious of our thoughts and speech and how they may affect others.

This is not mine; I took it off the Buddha center’s page.

Also, Thursday was a beautiful cool, very rainy day, morning til night.

Just lovely! 😀 ❤

Doesn’t this look like bokeh effect? It’s a natural one though! I was exploring different ways to get photos of the rainy night, while in my dad’s car and I noticed that when I hold the phone camera up, very closely, to the window with the droplets on it, it looks like that and then I put the flash on to brighten the raindrops. This photo has no effect or anything but I did increase the saturation and fixed the contrast to make the colors more vivid.

These are more of my rainy pics.

Tomorrow morning before work, if it all goes as planned, I’m going to attend the Out of darkness walk, here in Philadelphia, for suicide prevention. I always wanted to do something like that but could never seem to find the courage or inner strength. I used to go on the asthma one occasionally and helped out for the HIV one, which I couldn’t attend because I had work, but I always found the thought of the suicide prevention one overwhelming. But I think I can now. My dad may be going with me. My sister was going to but decided it’s too early in the morning for her. I don’t mind going myself.

If you are here in Philadelphia maybe you want to come? It’s at the art museum and begins at 8:30am but the opening ceremony is at 8:00am. You can register there and donate any amount of money. Ends at 11:00am I think. Then I have to go right to work!

Also, they give us beads to wear. The color given to us is dependent upon our personal association with suicide…loss of a child, parent, sibling, lover, friend or family member, suicide attempt or struggle our own self, love someone who struggles, or just support the cause with no personal relation to it. This is so we can look around and see how many people intimately know and understand our own struggle or passion. ❤

I hope the courage doesn’t elude me tomorrow! Lol

I can do this, I can do this!! Lol (Hopefully…)

I love the beautiful feeling of togetherness of walks for various causes; everyone there or almost everyone cares to help support, prevent, bring awareness to….<3

So, if you are there and see me, come give me a big hug! 😀 I’m very shy but love hugs! ❤

This is me just so you know who to come up and hug! I don’t want you hugging the wrong person and being mistaken for a perv or something. But especially, I just don’t want to miss out on the hug! 😉

Much love & light, always!!
Xoxo Kim 😀

No one can make you feel inferior…

Oct1

(me! 😀 ❤ I really have blue eyes with green splashes but for a few days recently, they were green! 😱)

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Yesterday I received two very unpleasant comments, one in person, by someone I know and have liked a lot since i met her and one online by a stranger. The online comment was vicious and intended to be callous and the in-person comment was meant to be compassionate but I find it thoughtless. I’m extremely open about my struggle with severe depression and the things relating to it, both online and in person. Since I was thirteen years old, I have struggled with severe episodes of depression with frequent lower-grade depression in the middle a lot. My depression would always go completely away for a while, sometimes months, but would always come back to some degree. It has been with me off and on through the years since then.

I never try to conceal it out of embarrassment or what people may think but I also dont go out of my way to bring it up usually, not because I dont want to necessarily; it’s just there’s not always an opportunity or thought to bring it up. I don’t constantly talk or think about my depressive illness. I just get to talking about it when it happens to come up somehow. I keep my social media accounts public and post about it sometimes, so anyone has access to it. But not everyone who knows me knows about my condition. I am very happy in general when I’m not depressed; even when my depression was chronic/frequent, it would always leave and I would be so happy and healthy; and even when I am depressed, I am still naturally very friendly to others and still often easily amused. I don’t “look depressed,” whatever that may look like. I don’t dress all in black with my head down and covered in self inflicted cuts, like some people assume depressed people should look like.

I am frequently laughing and smiling. I can function in the world and effectively interact with people in social settings. This is true for many, probably even most of us who struggle with mental health conditions. We may be someone with a family of our own or we may live at home with the family we grew up with, we can be store cashiers, food servers, doctors, counselors, your next door neighbor, your coworker, your best friend, the giggly, smiling person you see at the bus stop everyday, maybe your hairdresser or attorney, a schoolteacher…..we cannot always see depression. It’s true, people do notice I am depressed sometimes (even if they don’t realize it’s depression). But it cannot always be detected by others.

Yesterday online, I expressed compassion for a suicide victim and his family and friends. The sweet young man is dead and everyone who loves and knew him is shattered and will always be scarred. I am not easily offended and not sensitive so I can easily brush off comments and remarks that are malicious, rude, sarcastic, thoughtless….but some occasions, for whatever reason, they hit hard. A stranger, both to me, and to the man who died by suicide, commented and wrote something in response to all our comments, about compassion for him not being necessary because he was a “selfish, cowardly piece of shit who did this to himself.” (This is not new to me; it’s frequent to encounter this kind of sentiment about suicidal people and suicide victims – I have been told myself on more than one occasion, to quit feeling sorry for myself and go get it over with and kill myself already, luckily i havent heard this in a while)

First of all, this poor person was sick or somethimg. It was’t like he just decided it would be fun to end his own life just for thrills. Also, those poor souls who knew him, his family, his mama, his close friends, his acquaintances, his coworkers, his neighbors, maybe even someone who saw him around but hardly knew him, are all impacted in a horrific way now and they can’t help that he made that terrible choice; it’s not their fault so why write something so callous for them to read? They are the ones being hurt by the cruelty; not him. As if it’s not cruel enough, this pain they now have to live with. Now on top of that, they have that comment to remember.

That was at the beginning of my day that I had the displeasure of encountering that. Then closer to the end of my day, I had the displeasure of receiving another thoughtless (but not as ruthless) comment but in person by someone I know.

I recently met a new (platonic) friend at work! I only met him a couple months ago and instantly felt a deep connection to him. He is one of the kindest and most generous people I ever met and reminds me of another friend I have. I was telling my mom how much the two are alike then i found out they grew up knowing each other! ❤ I had no idea! 😀 Shortly after i met this new friend of mine, I realized i felt a sense of “home” like we may feel when we meet people we have a deep “soul” connection with.

Anyway, my new friend has problems, some of which he shared with me. He has severe recurring headaches, financial difficulties, and is in emotional turmoil because he is in the process of getting a divorce, which is not his choice but his wife’s. I am inspired because as much pain as he is experiencing about his loss, he told me he is so thankful for the thirty years he had with her and all the memories he’ll always have. And for his kids and grandbaby(hes adorable! I get to see him some days)

Yesterday, a girl I know told me to be very careful because my new friend just got out of a “looney bin” and is cracking up in the head and she doesnt want him to go off and do anything to me. She said he’s a very friendly person but looney. I could tell she was genuinely concerned for my safety so I cant even be angry at her and even find it a bit touching that she cares so much. But her comment struck me so hard, like a slap hard across the face. He’s not dangerous to others. Most of us are not (though some definitely are) and it is damaging to perpetuate that. She did not realize who she was talking to. If i was in her position and said that to someone who has experienced both voluntary and involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations(like I have), I would have been mortified. I spared her the embarrassment (and fear) and sob story of mine and just tried to assure her that he is not a threat to others. She was not convinced.

She even admitted that he shows no signs of being a threat to others but that she’s concerned when he’s around. I felt compassion for her even with my annoyance. Imagine feeling fear whenever you see someone, that the person will “snap” and put you in danger. It’s not pleasant for her either. She clearly doesn’t understand mental illness.

The reason I found it difficult to shrug off her comment is, I like her a lot (in a platonic way) and my condition is a part of me and always will be, not that I will always be depressed but always remember that I was. It’s painful to like someone and the person not understand a significant part of me, especially thinking I’m dangerous. Some people who dont like something(certain views, disabilities…), when they find out someone they know experiences that, they will come to be more understanding of it and accepting, while others will reject the person. Either way, I think it’s important to not conceal stuff just so others will not dislike us. Just because we deny it in ourselves does not mean it doesn’t exist and then people will love us under false impressions. It won’t be real.

As the cliche goes “I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.”

For sure! Though i dont think it’s very likely that anyone will “hate” us, they may dislike us or feel uncomfortable around us. It is unfortunate and they have my compassion. Even though it’s unpleasant for me, it’s also unpleasant for them. I wish they would try to understand better and not perpetuate dangerous myths.

People don’t just “snap” and “go off.” They show signs that often go unnoticed by others before they freak out and go on a killing spree. And look at all the people who aren’t mentally ill who kill people and animals. Not every mentally ill person who kills does so as a result of the illness. Even mentally ill people can be assholes and kill for the same reasons non mentally ill people kill for. Not only is it wrong to assume mentally ill people are all dangerous because it hurts us to assume that, it’s wrong because it’s like justifying it when someone kills someone. Mental illness is no justification usually. I do struggle with depression sometimes but it never gets me wanting to kill anyone other than myself and if I killed someone I would just be an asshole who is also mentally ill. And I hope I would get life in prison.

I know not to attack someone and never even have the urge to. Only once in all of my days (except when i was little and thought it was funny to hit older kids and if kids were messing with me, i would sometimes hit them) can i ever remember truly wanting to even just smack someone(in 7th grade my friend was irking me so badly in class i just wanted to smack her and would have if we werent in school!) and never again since then. I would kill myself before I would kill someone else and i would risk my own life to save another (even when im not suicidal!).

The two comments, only because I let them, put a damper on my happiness. I let them dull my sparkle. I usually don’t allow that but yesterday I did. But this quote I shared above, popped into my head.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

It’s a quote that is so cliche i fear it may be often just overlooked or mindlessly tossed around in an attempt to seem positive. I have often overlooked it, finding it positive and a great concept but not truly letting it inspire me. Yesterday though, I really felt it, let it inspire me deeply. Even if we can’t initially help how we feel in response to something that someone else says or does, we can work to strengthen our mind against the actions and words of others.

I thought of how it doesnt matter what that girl thinks of my friend or me. We are not dangerous and so many people understand that. There will always be those who don’t and we can just speak up or share things to counter it. And we can show compassion to those in need.

I accept my condition. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change my history of it. It just is and I allow it to be. I will never cover it up no matter what others think about it or me. And one thing I am pleased to realize is while there are many reasons to give up mental illness if we could, like the fact that it hurts us and those around us, it’s expensive for treatment, interferes with things….what other people think is not one of those reasons to give it up even if we were able to! I wouldn’t give up my illness or experiences just because someone else thinks I’m a basketcase.

Also, I receive many, many more loving comments and responses to my condition and things i post online, than unpleasant ones and those are the ones I focus on more. There are many more people who are loving and kind in general than those who are not. And the ones who aren’t can become more kind and loving. We can all evolve.

Another thing I made the choice to do in the face of this unpleasantness is ask myself how this can strengthen me, what is it teaching or reminding me, what wisdom can i realize and deepen and share with others…What virtues can i strengthen? Patience, gratitude, compassion, kindness, forgiveness….there’s always positive things to be learned and reminded of in every difficult situation.

I want to remind us all to not give anyone consent to dull our sparkle, contribute to us feeling inferior, low, anxious….anything unpleasant. The power is within us to let what they say or do, slide right off. Whatever they do or say, does not change anything about us whether it’s true or not. Think of the positive things in the world, our own self, and each other, and let the unpleasant things said and done to us go. It can’t hurt us if we don’t let it. It’s up to each of us how to respond both in our head and outwardly.

received_10202384584892183

(this isn’t my photo! My sister sent me a message as i was completing this post and i opened it and it was this pic she sent me! Perfect, right!?)

I’m wishing you much love and light, always! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! I have a busy couple of days but everything is going well. 😍❤

“And we’re all gonna shine a light together
All shine a light to light the way
Brothers and sisters in every little part
Let our love shine a light in every corner of our hearts”

Love Shine a Light – mobile

Love Shine a Light – desktop

Hugs & lots of love,

xoxo Kim ❤

There is a lot of beauty in ordinary things…<3

Sep29

Here are some of my recent photos! I love taking pics of ordinary things each day and capturing the extraordinary beauty. ❤
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! This depressive episode I have been in is lifting the way they usually do when they are so severe, gradually, fluctuating, better then worse, then better then worse then better…

I have been handling it well; not as well as I could have been but much better than I could have also. I have been putting things off and not able to concentrate but I’m slowly coming back.

It’s a great accomplishment to hold on and keep going, to stay positive (to some degree, any degree)even in the midst of an illness that takes away everything, including the desire and will to live. But I am here and choose to keep going and keep trying to help inspire and help others any way I can.

Much love & light to you always and please keep carrying on even when it seems pointless and feels impossible. ❤ 😀 Thank you to everyone who reads my posts, likes, shares, comments…I always appreciate it. ❤

xoxo Kim

Another Fall in Philadelphia❤

Sep23

(Me tonight – I’m just getting over a bad depression – it’s sort of like a bad, very, very bad case of Influenza (not that I ever had influenza but it seems kind of similar in certain ways) but in the “mind” and mixed with suicidal tendencies)

Fall in Philadelphia – Hall & Oates – mobile

Fall in Philadelphia – desktop

So here is my annual Fall in Philadelphia post! One of my favorite parts of the year is when Summer turns to Autumn. It’s still very much like Summer but there are a few signs of Fall, some crisp leaves on the ground already, pumpkin lattes, the decorations in the stores, cooler some nights….

Tomorrow is my mom’s b-day! My sister and me went shopping today to buy her a gift. We have been saving up money to buy her some gem stones because she loves those.

Tonight I’m celebrating Fall drinking Pumpkin coffee! It’s never too early for Fall or Christmas, to me. But I like to wait to drink the pumpkin coffee because when it’s really Fall then the pumpkin stuff while still thrilling, isn’t quite as thrilling after drinking it all August long. Lol So tonight I decided to get my first pumpkin coffee of the season! Yum! 😀

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! Also, thank you to all those people with jobs saving people’s and animal’s lives, police, doctors, nurses, EMTs, first responders, assistants, and any others who work hard, even putting themselves in danger to save others. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! And I’m wishing you a safe journey each & every day. 😍❤💙💚💛💜💝💖💗💔💗❤💜💛💚💙

Much love & light, always.

xoxo Kim ❤

Gratitude<3

Sep21

Me, today! 😀 ❤

”I’ve got a heart that can hold love

I’ve got a mind that can think
There may be times when I lose the light

And let my spirits sink

But I can’t stay depressed

When I remember how I’m blessed.”

Seven things I’m thankful for:

1.) Waking up this morning

2.) Delicious cinnamon pastries with buttercream frosting – my dog ate half of one that he stole and licked a lot of the cream off the other one! Lol soo cute!! 😀 ❤

3.) All my senses

4.) Watching a movie with my mom and sister

5.) A chance to post here today

6.) Anyone who may read this post! ❤

7.) All the good things that happen to everyone, all the lives spared, the good news, the health tests that come back with great results, the acceptance letters, new friendships and any loving relationships…all good things for all sentient beings ❤ 😀

What are you thankful for today and/or in general?

Grateful – mobile
Grateful – desktop
Much love & light to you, always!

Xoxo Kim

The Black Widow❤

Sep17

“Poetry is a fresh morning spider-web telling a story of moonlit hours of weaving and waiting during a night.” ❤

Look how lovely! One night recently, in the backyard, I watched a beautiful spider weaving a web on the clothesline. I tried to get pictures but it was too dark and the spider was constantly in motion, spinning and spinning. I saw him\her clearly even though it was dark. The kitchen light in my house and the bright moonlight was enough to allow me to see but the pictures still turned up blurry and dark! I don’t put the flash on for fear of killing the little kritters.

I told my mom I really wanted to get a pic but the circumstances weren’t good for it. I hoped my little arachnid would be there still in the morning. But I was so happy watching him\her spin so beautifully. How magical!

❤

The next day my mom told me s\he was still there so I happily went to see and was pleasantly surprised! This is a different one! A much bigger and more vibrantly colored one but equally beautiful. 😍

If you look closely at my picture, you can see the beautiful web s\he worked so hard to spin. This one was in a recycling can. It was recycling night and I implored my mom to put a different can out that night so as not to disturb the beauty and ruin (her?) Web. A neighbor stole the actual recycling bucket one day (even with our address on it and did not try to remove or cover up our address, my mom checked the cans of those she suspected would do such a thing and sure enough…lol) and my mom “stole” it back and started just using it for the yard and putting a small trashcan out front on recycling \trash night. And the spider was in the trashcan one.

At first my mom refused my plead to leave the spider be but I implored and whined all day til she gave in(a technique that has worked since i was a little girl…beg, whine, stomp around, throw conniptions…til I have my way! Never too old for that, right!?) Lol 😉

So the spider remained undisturbed until late that night when she left on her own. 😍

For these pics, I increased the saturation, structure, and sharpening to bring out the detail of the web. And to bring out the vibrant colors of the spider’s body. On this last picture here, I took the “warmth” option on the slider on Snapseed app and decreased it into the negatives to give it a cool blue look (increasing it would give it a warm yellow\orange color that blends too much with the spider’s natural colors.). The spider’s coloring looks good against this cool blue.

I love how the one part somewhat resembles a human thumbprint! ❤

On the first photo, after bringing out the detail, I just experimented with different things and got the pretty rainbowy background! 😍😀🌈

Do you know what kind of spider this is? Boy? Girl? Poisonous? Deadly? Harmless? Do boy ones and girl ones both spin webs? I can look that one up on Google, I’m sure of it , but I’ll just wait to see if anyone reading knows.

I LOVE spiders!! They are some of most beautiful creatures on Earth.

“(Vincent price speaks)
Leaving lepidoptera… Please, don’t touch the display,
Little boy, aha cute! Moving to the next aisle we have
Arachnida, the spiders, our… Finest collection.
This friendly little devil is the heptothilidi,
Unfortunately harmless. Next to him, the nasty licosa
Raptoria, his tiny fangs cause creeping ulcerations of
The skin (laugh). And here, my prize, the Black
Widow. Isn’t she lovely?… And so deadly. Her kiss is
Fifteen times as poisonous as that of the rattlesnake.
You see her venom is highly neurotoxic, which is to say
That it attacks the central nervous system causing
Intense pain, profuse sweating, difficulty in
Breathing, loss of consciousness, violent convulsions
And, finally… Death. You know what I think I love about her
Most about her is her inborn need to dominate,
Possess. In fact, immediately after the consummation
Of her marriage to the smaller and weaker male of the
Species she kills and eats him… (laugh) oh, she is
Delicious… And I hope he was! Such power and dignity
… Unhampered by sentiment. If I may put forward a
Slice of personal philosophy, I feel that man has ruled
This world as a stumbling dimented child-king long
Enough! And as his empire crumbles, my precious Black Widow…” ❤

The Black Widow – Alice Cooper – mobile

The Black Widow – desktop

Here is to that lovely, Black Widow! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! A day\night filled with lots of love, laughter, beauty, inner peace, and spiders!! 😉

I’m at work now working a ten hour shift! Already worked five hours and have another five to go! 😀

Much love & light, always.

Xoxo Kim ❤

Kindness makes the world go round ❤

Sep4

Screenshot_2016-09-04-22-10-23_kindlephoto-8538685

(Not my photo)

Perfect! Imagine if each one of us does even just one kind thing for someone, anyone, each day. The world would be so much brighter. And one kind act not only helps the one being targeted for kindness but can inspire others to engage in kindness as well. ❤

There are endless opportunities to make things better each day; we don’t have to wait until an opportunity arises; we can just go out and act.

It can be as simple as smiling at someone walking by, putting change into a tip cup at a store, buying coffee for a coworker, doing extra little things around the office at work, feeding pigeons and squirrels in a safe place, giving money to a homeless person, rescuing an insect instead of killing, picking trash up off the sidewalk, forgiving someone who cuts in front of us in line at a store or traffic, a sweet compliment, an encouraging message…the list goes on & on & on…

I think most of us are kind and do kind things for others occasionally or when we see a chance but imagine how much more sweetness we can put out into the world if we put more intention into our kindness, plan to do at least one kind thing each day even if we aren’t feeling very kind at the moment

We may be in a hurry, tired, in a bad mood, have a headache, feeling betrayed by someone, depressed, pissed off, numb, anxious, shy…some days but let’s push through it, rise above, and reach out in kindness to help another and bring just a little more beauty & love into our world. ❤💙💜💛💚😍

I hope you are having a lovely day or night wherever in the world you are! It is a beautiful, somewhat cool night here in Philadelphia!

Also, thank you so, so much to everyone who liked, commented on, read, shared….my last post!! I greatly appreciate it and am so honored! 😍

“Throw your hearts up Let it fly high. Let your love for all the world Spread through the skies Let it drop down Let it all go. Spreading kindness to every Single living soul” ❤

Being Kind – Empty Hands – mobile

Being Kind – desktop

😀

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim