Tag Archive | gratitude

Mood & Gratitude

Aug18

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I’m in a bit of a low mood today. Not for any specific reason. There are some negative things which are contributing to it, like a few people trying to hinder me or hold me back and not let me be or express my true self without them being problematic about it. Taking advantage, intentionally causing trouble. When you’re someone who is shy, quiet, extremely generous, kind, and very caring, people do tend to see what they can get away with and then go all out to take full advantage.

As I have written here before, I struggle with a severe form of depression. And ordinary low moods have the potential to send me into a downward spiral, sinking me lower & lower into a full blown episode of depression and despair. But through the years I have learned to often detect when that is happening and I can often prevent it before it drags me in. It’s hard. Really difficult because when I’m going into a real depression I have no motivation to even try to stop it. I’m tempted to let it just drag me in. Not because I want to be depressed but because low moods and depression can just make someone not want to even try.

But I have to try. I have to because depression is destruction and has destroyed me for months then happy then back for months but I rebuilt myself, mustering all the strength I was able to find in me, and I recreated myself into someone who wants to live more frequently. Someone with zest and passion and love for life and existence.

I don’t want to go back to that dark place where I have dwelled for years off & on. But I haven’t been suicidal for 10 months now. TEN months?!?! TEN months!!! That’s the longest I have not been suicidal (in some degree/form) for about 14 years! I was always only able to go for four months, without thinking about it in some way or contemplating it since 13 years old. This is an incredible accomplishment for me. I could be happy for like four months then suicidal like 4 days or some weeks/months then happy again for a few months. Off and on like that.

I worked on myself constantly in the last three years to better myself and sculpt myself into everything I am now. I am my own masterpiece. And I love it.

Depression for me, all those years, wasn’t just a mood. It was an entity that dwelled within me and lingered around me. A sickness. A darkness. It lived and breathed in me. It would come & go so frequently.

It was so ingrained into me like my dna. My hair color, eye color, skin color. Feeling just as much a part of me as any of those things. It would stay for months.

It made me a monster.

But now. I’m not a monster anymore.

I am just me. This girl.

I still have episodes of depression, sometimes severe, but they are less frequent, usually not as deep, not as long lasting, and there’s no more less severe depression in the middle of severe bouts of agonizing depression. Just happiness. Before I would be happy in the middle but not as frequently.

I’m back now. I’m a happy girl. More often than before! 😀

Maybe my depression will always come and go. But it’s no longer so frequent, and I feel a sense of happiness underneath when Im depressed even more than before. And I can still usually stay positive to some degree even with it.

So today I am trying hard to let this low mood not escalate to despair. I have a strengthened life philosophy now that will not let me go back to that dark place to the extent it used to be.
One of my life theme songs can be “A Whole New World “. What a beautiful song and it fits me so perfectly.

I love Brad Kane/Lea Salonga’s version.

I have some control before it turns fullblown. Once it hits that point though, I don’t have much control. So I empower myself before it gets to that point.

One way is to focus on the goodness within me and around me. Simple things. Big things. Beautiful things. Inspiring quotes, music, people, poetry, writings….

And writing here. I have so much to write here but I don’t write here nearly as much as I would like to. It is not because of lack of inspiration or interest or desire. Not at all.

I don’t really post many simple posts just about what I did that day. I mostly make my posts about inspirational life lessons, analysis, inspiration…stuff like that. personal development stuff.

I like to help others & myself and this is a great way. It helps me to write and can maybe inspire people who may stumble upon it.

I’m happy this post seems to have turned out on the more inspiring, uplifting, positive side, than the pissing & moaning, bitchfest it maybe could have been. Lol. 😉

Here’s a quick gratitude list for today.

I’m thankful….

1.) I got to see my good friend, Mike, yesterday for his birthday and it was really fun!

2.) I’m not often in pain

3.) I learned to cope well with depression.

4.) the coming Fall! Oh how I LOVE that season.

5.) music.

6.) my fur and feather friends.

7.) I don’t have sleep problems.

8.) I like my job

9.) my senses

10.) my bed and blankets

11.) future possibilities

12.) the sky, the sun, the moon, the beauty of Nature

13.) my phone and all the apps and things on it that help me with my personal development journey and are just fun!

14.) books

15.) philosophy

16.) quotes

17.) ten months with no suicidal thoughts or contemplation

18.) the great people I get to meet and interact with at work everyday. I love seeing the families and little kids and love the way their eyes light up and they giggle when they ask for something and they are satisfied or beyond satisfied when I give them it, children & adults alike. I love brightening people’s days and when they brighten mine.

19.) chocolate

20.) shopping malls

21.) gratitude

22.) mom & sister

23.) The book “The Secret Garden”! I have a blog post I’m going to write about this incredible, amazing, beautiful book!!

24.) BlackBerry Kindle

25.) food. Yum! Lol

Yup! I’m blessed. Beyond blessed.

Just focusing on a gratitude list can be so uplifting.

Please check out this lovely page:

http://www.dreamthisday.com/quotes-sayings/inspirational/

For inspirational quotes, writings, and ideas and some gentleness.

Two little words that can make the difference: START NOW.
– Mary C. Crowley

Be avid.
Create apart from perfection.
Risk failure.
Cover your words with sweat.
Run a little
Touch excruciatingly.
Laugh until you cry.
Dance with your eyes closed.
Care.
Understand you die a little in every moment.
Be Enlivened
– Mary Anne Radmacher

Many blessings to you all too.

Xo Kim
😀

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Dandelions

Aug4

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(I took this lovely pic with my phone!!!)

“When you look at a field of dandelions, you can either see a hundred weeds or a hundred wishes” ~ Unknown 

I love taking walks and taking pictures of all the incredible wonders I see around me. My mom often scolds me and my little sister gets annoyed because when we’re outside walking to a store or walking the doggy.  I stop every other second to snap a picture of some beauty I see before me. I see beauty & inspiration everywhere I look. I’m not a photographer ; I merely take pictures with my cell phone.   It takes amazing pictures. I’m constantly taking pictures of the sky, usually sunsets and the bright azure sky dappled in white fluffy clouds.I love pictures of birds and insects.

Words cannot truly express the way it feels when I look up at the sky During a sunset or a bright sunny Afternoon or when I look out a window at the sunrise when the new dawn is awakening or looking out the window seeing, listening to the rain or seeing snow falling before my eyes, and the scents the rain brings forth, I love the feel of cool breezes in the summer and the warmth of heat in the crisp Wintery magic. I love the seasons changing and the taste of sweet fruit and chocolate sundaes.   And beautiful , vibrant colorful flowers. 

When I look at all of the incredible, wild joys of Nature, life surges through my veins, my heart races at the breathtaking beauty. My veins throb with life, electricity pulses through me like a thousand heartbeats.

It comes naturally to me. I’m very aware of the beauty that all of my senses allow me to experience each moment of each day. 

But, although this generally comes naturally to me, I have made a conscious decision to strengthen my natural ability and habit of being mindful of the simple pleasures of life and making it a general habit even when it’s hard to see beauty. Some days it seems there’s nothing but ugliness all around. But even on those days,I have the choice to look for wonder. It may not naturally pop out at me like usual but I can look and I can find, hard as it may be.

In this life there is an incredible abundance of wonder and joy and beauty. By being blessed with life, we have the chance to take advantage of this. Take advantage of being alive. Instead of trudging through life in a sense of hopeless drudgery, we can choose to learn and practice being truly and fully alive.  

Here are some ways I have strengthened my natural ability to see simple joys everywhere and ways I think can be helpful to people. Not everyone has that natural ability but even ones who don’t can learn & practice .

1.) Breathe and inhabit your body. Your body, which is you is here now. Not in the past, not in the future. Here, now. You’ll never, ever go back to the previous moments you once lived and you can’t change them. And the future is always just out of your reach. When the future arrives, it is now your present, all you will ever have is now. Make this your conscious reality.
Take notice of the way your body feels right NOW. All the sensations, the pleasures, the pain, relaxed parts, stressed parts, stiff parts, numb parts, healthy parts…

2.) Try not to force yourself to not think about other things or about your past or future. When you try to intentionally not think about something, it tends to pop into your head more frequently.   Instead focus on what is here.

3.) Practice mindfulness meditation. Meditating regularly will help you develop better control over your thinking and even when you’re not meditating you will be better able to live in the present.

https://livingmindfully.org/
http://www.meditationoasis.com/

4.) slow down. When you’re constantly in a hurry you can’t take pleasure in much of anything.

5.) Try to create a schedule everyday or almost everyday where you can take a few minutes, hour, or hours to do nothing but something that brings you immense joy and serenity.   Walks in nature, observing natural settings, drawing, running, taking pictures,  things like that and soak up all the beauty.

6.) really, truly look. Look and see what is around you. Don’t just give it a quick, passing glance. Let the feelings it provokes in you, surge through you and cherish those feelings.

7.) I think about all of the people who have died and who have never been born or created/conceived to begin with. What they wouldn’t give (if they could know) to have a chance to live or to live again and feel, experience what I can because I am Alive. 

8.) I think about if everything I have ever known, ever loved, ever owned or possessed just disappeared temporarily, unexpectedly and then all came back. How would I feel then? Would it awaken me? Make me realize how wonderful, how miraculous, how joyous it all truly is?

9.) stop waiting.   “People wait all week for Friday, all year for Summer, all life for happiness.”. You may not have all you want right now but you can still be generally happy and joy-filled. You don’t need that perfect weather, that perfect day of the week, that perfect lover, that perfect body. All you need is life. All you need is now. Right now. You got it!

“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”

― Mary Jean Irion

     
“Oh the wild joys of living! The leaping from rock to rock … the cool silver shock of the plunge in a pool’s living waters.”
 Robert Browning quotes

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” ~
Albert Einstein

Paul Valéry – “To see is to forget the name of the thing one sees.”

 

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Me.

Xo Kim

If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane

Jul2

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(my dog Koko after she got done eating a vanilla cream horn treat.   she has cream on her little face. Lol silly girl!)

” And I’ll never be the same without you here
I’ll live alone and hide myself behind my tears
And I’ll never be the same without your love
I’ll live alone and try so hard to rise above” ~ Christopher Cross

I’m ready. 

Ready to start laughing again. Those good belly laughs I used to laugh almost constantly every night and day for as long as I can remember. Until my dog died. Three months ago.  

I stopped laughing then. I wouldn’t let myself. When I found something amusing as I usually do I would quickly remind myself, “Wait! You can’t laugh, Koko is dead!”. And I would become somber. Or apathetic. Or grief stricken. Or just stop. And go about my day. Not laughing. 

I wouldn’t really say or think those words but the concept of my sweet dog being dead would creep into my brain destroying any desire I had to laugh, any ounce of amusement I began to experience .

Ever since I was little, in elementary school, probably even before, I have been very easily amused over everything and nothing. I laugh more than anyone I have ever known.

I got in trouble in class often for laughing out loud uncontrollably at kids being bad.

My mom yells at me sometimes for laughing during inappropriate situations like when my dog eats out of the cat’s litter box. Lol

Once, my therapist asked me if it is some sort of coping mechanism or cover up for Anxiety. And my answer is NO. I am genuinely amused.   Just a silly, giggly girl. I usually always find something to laugh about even when I am unhappy or depressed or angry!

There are occasions when I have been super furious at someone but still amused and laughing uncontrollably and I would be so pissed at myself for laughing because who is going to take my anger seriously when I’m laughing my ass off?! Lol 😀

But when Koko died in April I stopped laughing. After a few days I started to smile and laugh a little bit and be slightly amused but those serious belly laughs have been extremely rare.

Grief never goes away. Grief over a human friend or family member or grief over a fur or feather or reptile…… friend dying is forever etched in our hearts.

But for many people it eventually heals to a point where it’s not always raw or always the main feeling everyday. It appears and reappears and on some occasions even decades later, maybe it resurfaces at full force and then subsides again. 

It doesn’t have to hinder or taint happiness.

My grief has for the most part taken the back burner and I can still be happy and I even eventually began feeling mostly like myself again. But still there has been some kind of damper put on this life of mine.

There will always be a part of me missing. Always. My dog wasn’t just my “pet”. She was my friend, my family.

And this death hurts me so much it’s unbelievable.   

But this death is somewhat easier than what many people have to endure with a loss. Koko was old and lived a whole dog life and 12 years with me. And she was not sick, in pain, or suffering when she died. My mom and dad were there with her and watched her take her last breath.

She began to slow down days before her death and her breathing changed and we hoped so desperately that she wouldn’t begin to suffer and that if she must die soon that it would be easy and quick. I couldn’t bear to think of her suffering or being euthanized by an animal doctor as my mom mentioned may have to happen.

 
Some dogs die alone, in pain, lost, young, and abandoned, never knowing true love. Some are so bad off they are euthanized.  

But not Koko. She was loved by us for 12 years. We celebrated her every birthday, bought her gifts every holiday, let her sleep in bed, on the sofa, she had other fur friends. I bought her treats home every night after work. The girl was spoiled!! 😉

And she died old, quickly, and naturally.

And for all of that I am so blessed. Seriously what more can I ask for?!

It does not take away my grief.   But grief should never go away anyway. Grief is part of living and loving and when one life is so impacted by another grief is the result of loss.

A few days ago I began laughing again a lot
 Throughout the day like before. And it has been continuing everyday now.

And I realized I haven’t been my giggly self for so long. I felt different but could not put my finger on it. Then one night I laughed hysterically over song lyrics and realized I haven’t laughed quite like that in ages!

I think after three months my grief is finally beginning to heal more.

It’s important to remember that it’s ok to laugh even when someone else has died or is dying or experiencing tragedy or pain or illness.

I have a tendency to feel guilt laughing when I hear about, see on the news, or know someone who died or is experiencing tragedy.

But me/you/someone  not laughing and intentionally not having fun does not help the tragedy in the world. It just results in another unhappy person or one who is not fully living.

I can laugh. It won’t hurt Koko. If I choose not to laugh, it won’t bring her back. It HURTS to let go. Hurts desperately. But it’s ok.

Just because you laugh doesn’t mean you are cold or don’t care or are forgetting or ignoring the death or pain of others.

You are still living. It’s your life. It’s ok. It’s necessary to move forward.

I never wanted to admit this but a few days after Koko died my pain was so severe I thought I wanted to die too.

I felt nothing but anger every day and pain.
I wasn’t angry at anyone specifically.   There was no one to be angry at.

But now I don’t feel angry. I feel blessed. I am blessed. 

Two nights ago I was looking through older pictures trying to find one of my dog, Isis Summerjo, and I accidentally saw like 100 of Koko in my phone and I felt as if I was suffocating and drowning all over again. 

I have only been able to look at pictures of her and talk about her on certain occasions when I felt enabled to do so. And then I accidentally saw them and I clicked each and every one I saw and looked.  It hurt but I smiled and realized how much stronger I am now.

A brief fleeting thought of me wanting to die ran across my brain. But I told myself.   What good will dying do? Will it bring Koko back? No. Will it end my pain? Yes but it will also end everything else. And I don’t need that.

There is always hope.

My life is more good than pain.

And even when it doesn’t feel that way.

There’s always hope.

I am so skilled now more than ever at being able to see the good amidst the bad. The positive in the negative. The hope in the darkness. The healing in the hurt.

I can even feel happy while depressed.

Also, 

 It’s now July! You know what that means right!? Nine months. I haven’t been suicidal or even thought about it seriously in nine months. That’s the longest I have ever been able to go without those compulsions and thoughts in……FOURTEEN years!!!!!! Fourteen years!!!!!!! In case you don’t know, I wrote about this in previous blog entries here.   I suffer with clinical depression. I have suffered with mental illness since I was eleven years old and at 21 years old I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. I was hospitalized again and participate in psychotherapy and drug therapy.  I struggled for years 
and in 2010 I truly started to get better. Four months is the longest I have ever been able to go without being suicidal since I was 13 years old. And usually not even that long.   Until now.  But now I’m back and better than ever! 😀

I changed my ways. My thinking, my attitude, my life.   And I am going strong. I celebrate living everyday.

I hope everyone will find hope and love even in pain and darkness.

I am ready to start laughing again. To start living again.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Wondering what lyrics and songs are so hilarious?! Lol!   Check these out!!

“My head hurts , my feet stink” by Jimmy Buffett. Just the song title has me rofl

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/my+head+hurts+my+feet+stink+and+i+dont+love+jesus_20267475.html

“Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes”
Jimmy Buffett
“With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of my running, and all of my cunning
If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane
If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane
If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane”
“

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/changes+in+latitudes+changes+in+attitudes_20071889.html

“Growing older not up”

“I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead”
~ Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/growing+older+but+not+up_20071897.html

“The Asshole song”

“Were you born an asshole 
Or did you work at it your whole life? 
Either way, it worked out fine 
‘Cause you’re an asshole tonight “
~
Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/the+asshole+song_20214732.html

And I hope you find a bit of inspiration in some of these lyrics as well.

Here’s a pic I made using an app, it’s one of those “when you see it” pics. Lol

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The Sweetest Things <3

Jun26

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Yesterday I saw a father playing with his young child.

There were anxious, depressing thoughts swirling around in my head for much of the day.   I may have mentioned on here previously that in my house, there is some domestic abuse/violence sometimes.   My dad has the tendency to be abusive, usually emotional abuse with threats of physical violence.

Throwing things. Breaking things.   Threats.

Then he calms down. But not before there’s already tempestuous storms raging inside, the aft

ermath of trauma, drama, and complete chaos.

And it impacts us negatively but until we come up with an effective solution, we have to deal with it. But it causes us pain. And fear. And so many other unpleasant emotions.  

So yesterday I was somewhat anxious and disturbed.

But then I saw a daddy happily playing with his little boy. The smiles on their faces,  the joy in their voices as they wrapped their arms around one another and warmly embraced each other. That is priceless.  

That is true, simple joy.

In that moment, that one moment of sweet, loving simplicity, I was reminded of all that I do not need. Of how much I love everyday. How much I love the mundane details of living.   Of loving. Of breathing. Of being. 

How much I already have.

I don’t need graduations, promotions, birthdays, holidays, big special events, or any accomplishments, money, expensive material objects, I don’t need to win the big lottery,  I don’t need fantastic credit, complete financial independence, a brilliant education, any kind of specific job….to be happy. To be grateful. To be full of love & life. Zest & joy. Serenity & ecstasy.  

I don’t need a mansion or one million friends or a big happy, loving perfect family. One friend can bring much joy, a small family can be love.

I can depend on me and the kindness of others, those I know well and those I do not.
 
I don’t even need a peaceful environment surrounding me on the outside to have peace and calm within.  

All I need is the simple joys of everyday. A daddy playing with his bouncy baby boy, a little girl hugging a puppy, the bright, vibrant colors of Nature. Spring flowers, the bright Summer sun, the first glistening snowfall of Winter, the crisp, sweet air and variegated colored crunchy leaves of Fall. Songbirds singing, the loving hug of a friend. A cup of hot, sweetend tea, warm blankets at night, falling into bed after a long hectic day, animals playing and jumping into my arms, squirrels running up trees with acorns, the friendly smiles of strangers, random acts of kindness, beautiful girls in five inch stiletto heels and pretty hair, painting my nails, rain, a bright blue sky with white fluffy clouds , raindrops on bright green and red leaves….. myself.  

Everyday.

Even the ordinary can be quite extraordinary. When you really think about it.

‘Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.’~Walter Hagen

May you all have peace, joy, happiness, love, hugs, and bright smiles. :-D. And appreciate the simple pleasures and sweet beauty even through the ugliness & traumatic chaos.  

Xoxo Kim

“I’ve got a heart that can hold love
I’ve got a mind that can think
There may be times when I lose the light
And let my spirits sink
But I can’t stay depressed
When I remember how I’m blessed

Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
Truly blessed
And duly grateful”

~John B

“It’s not that I don’t want a lot
Or hope for more, or dream of more
But giving thanks for what I’ve got
Makes me so much happier than keeping score

In a world that can bring pain
I will still take each chance
For I believe that whatever the terrain
Our feet can learn to dance
Whatever stone life may sling
We can moan or we can sing”

~John Bucchi

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Everlasting Essence

Jun14

It has been said that whatever you do for yourself dies with you but what you do for others lives on forever. 

And it’s true that the messages and inspiration and impact that some people have on the world lives and breathes long after the people themselves have died.

I think often of some of the most inspirational people I have never met. I haven’t met them but their lives have impacted me just 
the same.  

And not only me but many, many people have been positively affected by these people.

A few of the people whose lives are everlasting inspirational messages that touch the lives of many and will live on and on and on are:

Norman Vincent Peale (famous for “The Power of Positive Thinking”)

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you. “

“There is a giant in every person, and nothing can get this giant down unless that giant is kept down by himself.”

“Help other people to cope with their own problems and your own will be easier to cope with.”

Stephen R. Covey (famous author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”)

“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise.” 

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” 

Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

Mr. Huie is still alive and I receive his beautiful e-mails every morning. His page is a collection of his own thoughts and the thoughts of others that he appreciates. His messages are so uplifting, warm, firm, and gentle.   And so beautiful. Many dark nights I have struggled with depression, loneliness, and despair. I would lay wide awake in bed but feeling half dead and so broken when suddenly my phone would start flashing and I would check and see one of his wonderful e-mails and it would bring me so much comfort and love.  

The man inspires me so deeply. He is the most grateful person I ever met. (actually never met). 

He expresses gratitude for his entire life good and bad and every aspect and he embraces all that he is and is so grateful for himself.   He stated that he is grateful for literally everything that has ever happened to him. Every single thing.   Every tragedy. Every heartbreak. Every love. Every tear. Every breath. Every beautiful gift. This IS to live, breathe, and BE loving gratitude.  

I am friends with him on Facebook and I have also “liked” his “like” page.

Please see his page and share it. I cherish this man and his life.

Let me bring peace into moments of chaos.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I reach toward the shining mountains,
beyond the fog of daily worries.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I do not need anyone’s permission to be my true self.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I sail the seas of life as the MASTER of my ship.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I give thanks for both my bloom and my thorns.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I am one with the Earth,
with the Water, with the Fire,
with the Air that I breathe,
with all Living Things,
and we are all one with Spirit.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I sometimes think what if these great people never came into the world. Or what if they did but they neglected to express their inspiration and thoughts out of fear? Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule?   Fear of criticism. Fear that no one will listen. Fear…..

And these people are/were in fact criticized.   Both constructively and destructively. And that’s ok.  I have read the criticisms, hear of the criticism.  
No matter how great, amazing, and beautiful a person is and no matter how positive the message, the person and message will be criticized by others. Not everyone will always gratefully receive ideas, even great ones. And that’s ok.
If they gave into fear, we would not have their beauty surrounding us today.

Do you have a message you want to put out into the world to touch people for the better?

Go ahead. Don’t you hold back. Write a book. Make a video.   Create a blog or website. Share Facebook statuses or other social media content. Get your message out there.   Tell anyone you can!  You can be sure you will receive some criticism. And not all constructive.   Some will be just plain vicious. And unnecessary.   But that’s ok. That tells us a little something about those negative critics, and tells us nothing about you.

Your message, your life, your story defines you. The callousness of others does not.

Every person is a different light to the world. And when a person dies, the world is a little colder. A little darker. For that light of that person is gone. Forever. But there are new people coming into the world every day. Every second. With new lights coming into the world.   So the world will never be completely dark or cold. That’s the good thing. No light can replace another. No person can replace another.   But each light and each person can touch the world in unique ways that other ones cannot.   The world is never lost. Never dead. Never alone. There is always someone. There is always light.

I want to be that girl. The one with a message that lives on long after I do. Somehow. Some way.   Like Dr. Peale’s and Dr. Covey’s. And Jonathan Lockwood Huie’s. And I want to honor their lives and the lives of many other motivational/inspirational speakers and great thinkers dead and alive by sharing their messages, quotes, writings, stories, and essence with others.

Do I agree with everything all of these people profess and believe and think? No. But I still receive their warm inspiration and their beauty and their positive impact and I want to share their lives with all who will let me and in the process create my own everlasting message.

What I do believe in is their underlying message of gratitude, positivity, compassion, caring for others, and love. I believe in it with my whole heart, every square inch of my being, my very essence. They say different things in different ways but their true message is the same: working for a better world for all of us.

And I want you to know that you have the potential to impact many, many lives just as they do. You already are impacting people.  You don’t have to be as famous as they are or even famous at all. You don’t have to be popular or well known.   And your message does not have to reach people at the magnitude theirs do for you to make this world a better place.  You don’t need an educational degree or any certain profession or job. You don’t have to be professional writers or doctors like them. All you need is YOU. Just to be you and the courage to speak your truth.

Much love to you.

This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine.

Xoxo Kim

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Just Checking In & Gratitude <3

Jun5

I haven’t forgotten about this blog or given up on blogging!  It’s just that something dreadful happened to my poor poor phone recently!  As people who read my blog may know I mostly use my phone for blogging.  It is (or was :-/) a lovely, perfect phone.  I love mobile phones with Internet a lot.  And I prefer them over computers of any kind for everything that I can get away with using them for.  As you may or may not know, I recently got a new Blackberry Z10 phone!  About two months ago.  Not very long but it already contained “my whole life” on it.  Thousands of pictures, thousands of songs/playlists, contacts, memos, apps….

One night a few days ago after work I was getting out of my dad’s mini van and I dropped my beautiful phone!  And the beautiful, perfect touch screen CRACKED!  I can live with a crack on my phone but that’s not all!  The crack starts at the bottom and goes right on up to the top at a curve and the small portion of the screen below the crack works perfectly while the large portion of the screen above the crack is done for.  Yup!  It’s a lost cause.

And the worst part is that all my memos are GONE.  All of my inspirational thoughts and ideas and writings.  Many drafts of posts I planned on publishing here are just gone. </3

Luckily my phone is insured and in a few days I will pay over 100 dollars and then shortly after that I will have a new Blackberry Z10.  But it won’t bring all my sweet ideas back. 

😦  But you know what, it’s my fault.  I take full responsibility.  And not in a guilty way but in a constructive way. If I did what I planned and backed my ideas up on paper they would still be here.  If I was more careful with my phone and put it in my bag instead of carrying it in my hand with a million other things, my phone would not have fallen to the ground.  If I kept the cover on like my mom insisted over and over again, it probably would have protected my screen.  But none of that occurred.  What did occur is that I dropped my phone while it was in the nude and did not copy any of my ideas onto paper.  That is my reality.  Not pleasant but true.  And I accept it and will know better.

 

http://mashable.com/2013/03/20/blackberry-z10-teardown-whats-up-with-that/

At the above link the author who breaks smartphones intentionally by dropping them to watch them shatter and test how they work afterwards explains how blackberry phones are much less likely to survive a fall than other touchscreen phones like the iPhone. Blackberry company likes their phones to be thinner, lighter, and less expensive so they make their touchscreens suckier than others and more likely to not work after a fall. But if the phone is in its case there’s a good chance it will survive the fall. Looks like my mom was right! I should have listened. But my phone case is rubber and my new baby boy doggy loves to chew it so I gave it to him!

I generally, naturally have an open and grateful “mind”. And even when I’m not in the most grateful mood, I usually make it a point to look for things to be grateful for and it isn’t difficult to find things that I KNOW are blessings even when I don’t really FEEL the gratitude I know I should feel for them at that moment. After losing my phone like this it really woke me up even more to all I have. The night it happened I tried so hard to fix it, calling the T-Mobile place, trying to back up all my info on a computer…and nothing seemed to help. All throughout the night I woke up feeling sad over it. Then I would think of something amazing I still do have. I would look over at my sweet little Emmy (my baby boy, puppy) sleeping beside me and feel how completely blessed I am. I have so much more than a phone.

Losing my phone is very unfortunate but it would have been so much worse to lose a friend or a pet or a family member or my life. This thought inspires me right now and has been inspiring me since I lost the quality of my phone. I don’t think it to myself aggressively as a lecture to myself to scold me for being ungrateful. Instead I firmly but gently remind myself that it’s ok to be sad over this and disappointed but to look at all I still do have.

I have things to look forward to as well.

There are a couple of movies I desperately want to see so soo desperately!!!

One is “The Heat” and one is “The Purge”.

The Heat looks sooo entertaining and so hilarious while the Purge seems so very fascinating. It’s about how every year or something one night of the year ALL criminal acts of every kind become legal. The people who are for this are hoping it will reduce criminal acts the rest of the year in general because they’ll get it all out that one night. I know it’s only a movie and I’m not easily offended but I actually am quite offended by the whole very concept that homicide and sexual assault are legal for one night. Like I said, I know it’s not real but still. lol It’s ridiculous but it’s interesting and I LOVE Philosophy. It was actually my major in College.

I, myself, do not believe that most people would commit a very serious criminal act even if it were to become legal. I sure as hell would not. It is deeply Philosophical and so incredibly fascinating to ponder. It brings up a lot of issues like “where do we get our morals?” “Are morals and the idea of right and wrong innate or learned?” “Is there really an objective RIGHT and an objective WRONG or is it all just subjective opinions?” There is no scientific or direct one answer. But I believe the basic idea of right and wrong is so ingrained into our “minds” and we are so used to certain horrific acts such as homicide and sexual assault being NOT ok and being so very wrong that most of us would not commit those acts even if we could and get away with it. Think about it. Would you commit homicide even if you could and not be in trouble at all? Can you really bring yourself to do that? Would you sexually assault someone? I don’t think so. The law can change but it won’t change our sanity and conscience.

We will still be civil and moral and not want to seriously hurt someone. Now, there’s no doubt in my mind that SOME people would take full advantage of criminal acts being legal and all hell would break loose where they are. No doubt about it. But I believe people are basically good and for the most part we don’t need laws of any sort telling us what to do and not to do when it comes to serious criminal acts. This is not to say we don’t need law or police or government though. I think even if people would turn bad if the legal laws become obsolete (which is very unlikely, I believe) it would take many years for “criminal” acts to get out of hand. Like I said most of us either know what is right and wrong innately or we are so used to being told something is wrong that we would not take advantage of criminal acts becoming legal. At least I hope I’m right about this!! lol My mom and sister seriously disagree with me on this!

If homicide becomes legal I still will NEVER kill. I don’t care if I won’t get in trouble at all. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be the kind of woman who does bad things just because I can. I want to be true and honest and loving and nurturing and healing.

Thank You SO SO much to all police officers, detectives, and other law enforcement people who work so hard and even put themselves in danger often, to keep us safe and to keep society in order. We often take them and their work for granted and they deserve a big THANK YOU!! ❤

And another thing I am looking very forward to is writing a guest post for TinyBuddha.com

http://www.tinybuddha.com/

is an inspirational website about living a great life and things like that and they love for "ordinary" people, ones who are not necessarily professionals or experts or writers or life coaches…, to write positive and inspiring posts on personal experiences of how to live an amazing and rewarding life. There are certain guidelines the writers must follow and if the author of the website likes the guest post and sees it fit for her website she will accept it and publish it for millions of people to see! Mine may not get accepted but maybe it will! It has to be original and can never have been published anywhere previously not even on the person's own blog or website.

Mine will be on mindfulness and celebrating life itself. 😀

I am so happy about this because I love to inspire people and touch lives for the better. ❤

And something I am thankful for:

❤ My beautiful body. It functions near perfectly. It carries me day and night. It lets me feel and love and heal and live. It allows me to experience pleasure and pain and all of life. Thank You eyes for seeing the beauty all around, for seeing colors and long hair and leaves blowing in the wind, thank you ears for the wonderful experience of cars screeching in the streets and the birds chirping in the trees and the music of life. Thank you nose and tongue for the scents and tastes of rain and citrus and chocolate and cookies and mist and laundry detergent, thank you skin and fingers for the smooth touch and feel of blankets throughout the morning and night. The hug of a friend and the touch of an animal's feathers or fur. The feel of hot and cold, and snow glistening. Thank You Heart that dances in my chest for the pulsating rhythm of life that pounds through me. Thank You bones for being strong and firm. Thank You kidneys for all the hard work to keep my body going strong. Thank You stomach for digesting so so perfectly and thank you muscles and veins and all of me. Thank You brain for allowing me to live and be conscious. Thank You spinal cord and nerves for allowing me to feel and walk and sit up straight. Thank You appendix for whatever it is you do. (Keeping the good germs alive and well?!) Thank You beautiful , wondrous body of mine. For everything.

I wrote this because I LOVE my beautiful body. I am beautiful.

My sister asked me if it's easy being so cheesy. lol Yes, for me, yes it is. 😀

I hope you all are having a beautiful day or night.

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x0x0 Kim ❤

Beauty All Around

May28

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Yesterday was a beautiful day. I woke up somewhat early. Early for me. 10:00am The night before, I slept very well. I have been struggling with lower back pain, bordering on severe. Along with my facial pain disorder flaring up. Right now it’s because of my sleeping schedule being kind of messed up with my dog’s waking me up throughout the night and morning and the central air thing in my house broke so it has been excruciatingly hot some nights. I’m telling you, not getting the right amount of sleep for me really messes me up like nothing else! I get sick, coming down with sore throats, my hair falls out in clumps!, my whole body aches like hell, and on and on

But anyway,

When I woke up yesterday morning, my family was already awake and decided we would all go out together before I had to be in work at 5:00pm. We had no specific plans so we ventured on out just to see. And we drove by a Buddhist church in South Philadelphia! I never seen anything like it! Ever! I have never even known Buddhist churches exist! I don’t even know if it’s called a “church”. I’m uneducated on this topic. My dad saw it before though but he doesn’t know anything about it.

It’s AMAZING looking! The whole outside is very colorful with large statues all around it! So beautiful.

I wanted to go in SO badly!! But we are not sure if it’s open to the public or if only Buddhists/members are allowed in. I am not a Buddhist. I am an Atheist. But I love to learn about Buddhism and read the quotes and wonder at the concepts and things. So we just took lots of pictures outside with the statues!

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I LOVED walking around in the wonderful weather. It was warm & sunny but with a slight chill.
In Center City Philadelphia, outside some stores, there are free books and things and my dad wanted to check some out! And I found a few treasures! This one book I found and was going to give to my sister. It’s a book of poems amd quotes mostly about things pertaining to a God. The Biblical God it seems. My sister, just like my dad & mom, is into God, Biblical things, and the supernatural things. I, however, am the oddball of the family who turned out a skeptic. lol 😀

But when I checked the book out better I soon realized it’s more my cup of tea than her’s! It’s a book of poems and quotes about appreciating the gifts all around that are considered by many to be “God’s blessings.” While I am quite the skeptic I am anything but closed minded. I find inspiration everywhere. Even in things with a religious or theistic tinge. I close my mind to nothing. I am very blessed and more and I LOVE all things about appreciating the beauty around us and helping those in need, people & animals alike.

I am so grateful that this littlen gem has fallen into my hands!

And I want to share an amazing short poem in this book.

Love Should Blossom

“So many loving words to give
To those with whom we work and live;
So many words heal and bless
Another’s hurt or loneliness.

A friendly smile, a glad hello
Can cheer someone who’s feeling low;
Or just a little thoughtful deed
Will help fulfill another’s need.

So many things that we can do
To help another’s day ring true;
So many ways to show we care –
Love should blossom everywhere.

Written by Kay Hoffman

Seriously, how true is this amazing message?! It’s a beautiful poem that rings so true! Any kind word, warm smile, friendly hello, loving gesture can brighten someone’s day and turn someone’s life around. So when you see a mother (or father) struggling with a screaming kid, offer them a helping hand instead of disgusted glares, adopt a furever friend at a shelter, hold doors for people, smile at strangers, make a true attempt to understand another person’s point of view or emotions, volunteer, help carry someone’s bags, buy someone a drink, genuinely compliment someone! There are an infinate amount of ways to make someone’s world a little or a lot brighter!

Why not be the one bringing light to that person struggling in the darkness? ❤

I also found a novel which I have just begun to read. As of right now, it's thoroughly entertaining. It's about a girl who is looking for a man and is unhappy that she is single and 32 years old. People keep nagging her about when she's going to get married and they won't just let her be. I think I know how it will end!

It's ok to be single at any age though. It's ok to want to be romantically tied but it should not interfere with general happiness and love of life itself. You don't need anyone to complete you. Fall in love with yourself and then romantic love may come your way soon! Or one day in the future. ❤

The book is called "Romantically Challenged" by Beth Orsoff.

I hope you all have a great day and appreciate the simple pleasures of life and being YOU! ❤

x0x0 Kim

My Mental Illness & Strength

May24

Today I am depressed but not suicidal and want to send love to anyone else struggling. xoxo

” All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.”
– Helen Keller

Let today be the day that you choose to become your own greatest hero.

Xox0 Kim

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😀

Beautiful quote

May20

“Love is more than what we feel for another person.  It is the scent of lilacs, roses, the ocean breeze or fresh summer rain.  That thing that makes your heart smile when you breathe it in.  Love is a summer breeze, the first snow flake, a big hug or a warm blanket on a chilly day.  It is that thing you feel when you are wrapped up in or touched by something wonderful.  Love is grass on your bare feet or sand between your toes, it is the splash of the ocean or the warmth of the sun. It is that sense of touching something bigger then you that makes you realize how special we are to experience this moment, now, here.  Love is million tiny moments that happen to the beat of our heart.  That stirs our senses and awaken our spirits.  That reminds us that when we fall we are not defeated, just seeing a different view feeling a different feeling.  Love is what we feel with, touch with, see with.  It is the one constant that makes our lives better.  The added bonus isn’t love it is sharing all your love with the ones you love.  “~ Cheryl Nordyke

Just sharing this beautiful quote I have seen today! Love it!

I think it’s a sweet reminder to appreciate all the simple pleasures and beauty all around us.




Xoxo0 Kim

Grief, Loss, & Healing

May19

I mentioned in previous posts that last month, my beautiful sweet fur baby, Koko died of old age. She was fourteen years old and my family had her for twelve years. It is one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. The fact that she was old and lived a full dog life with us brings me a sense of consolation but my grief was / is still so very strong.   It hurts. So deeply. She was a significant part of me. 

She slept with me and on my chest so many nights. I carried her around and loved and hugged and kissed her. I had her since I was a fourteen year old girl until I became a 26 year old woman.   It’s unbelievable that she’s gone.
I got her in high school and she was there at every stage of this life of mine.   When I struggled with depression, hospitalizations, graduations, loneliness, new people, college, just everything.

I can’t believe I’ll never hold her again.

Some moments that fact hits me so hard so deep. It cuts me. And it hurts. How can my sweet, sweet beautiful Koko be gone? Forever!? It’s incomprehensible.   It’s astounding.   I can’t believe it.

I can’t. It’s too sad. She was my baby. For about three weeks after Koko died, my grief was the number one thing I felt over anything.   I have a generally happy life so underneath my grief I felt happiness but it was drowned out by the grief. I could hardly laugh or joke and be my lighthearted self for weeks. Finally, my zest for life returned and my grief took the back burner and my happiness returned to the top again with some occasions my grief becoming strong again.

But generally, my happiness was at the front. I know grief heals but never ever goes away. The edge usually goes away in general and that raw pain like in the beginning doesn’t take over in general anymore. For many people, the raw pain may make an appearance through the years every now and then.   Maybe triggered by something or maybe just coming out of nowhere. But it’s no longer a constant after healing begins.

The raw pain of the loss of my sweet girl came back about a week ago.   I expected it would at some point. And I expected it would go again. For the last week I have been struggling hard with it. I miss my Koko and I want so badly to hold her close and kiss that sweet head again. She kissed Soooo much! She loved to kiss.

I have so many, many pictures of her and I am incredibly thankful for that even though it hurts to see them. I can see her so clearly in my memories.

I want my grief to continue healing but I don’t want it to ever go, as painful as it is. It is an indication of true love & blessing. 

It’s hard because not everyone understands the severe agony of pet loss so I cannot express my pain to everyone. Many, many people believe it’s just sad when a pet dies but not a “Real” or serious loss. People can think, feel what they will. But this is a big, and horrible loss for me.

I am angry. And I have been feeling as if I’m acting like a spoiled little ungrateful brat focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

But I know that’s not true.   Grieving is ok.

Today I woke up with my heart pounding at the thought that I will never see my girl again. Not ever.

So I have to accept it. I have to. For me.

It’s not easy. But it just is. 

Shortly after Koko died, I saw a sign hanging up that said pomeranian puppies for sale. A family had a litter of puppies that their dogs unexpectedly had and they had to find homes.

We had three other dogs already and were not looking for another. My mom had to go to a check cashing place. I complained. I usually go everywhere with my mom and did not want to go but she had to so we went. I walked in the door with a heavy heart. So broken and heavy.

I stood there trying to keep my grief at bay. I looked up across the room for no reason and there was that sign!

I couldn’t believe it! Koko was part pomeranian!! And no dog can ever replace her and make it ok that she’s gone even if I love that dog just as much but I wanted to give one of those babies a home.

My mom told me to copy the info. But she said my dad probably would not allow us to get one of those pom poms because my dad doesn’t like to have more than a few pets and we already had some.

But I copied it and when he came home after work i told him about the sign. He wasn’t as thrilled as we were but surprisingly to us it wasn’t completely out of the question either. I’m very, very shy even on the phone and I rarely make phone calls to people I don’t know or know well.   Even as an adult I used to have my mom make my phone calls for me for things like therapists and stuff.

My dad told me to call the family selling those pups. Like I said before, these are not puppy mill or pet shop pups and I don’t support puppy mills and the atrocities and horror those places are full of. This is just a family with a litter of pups their dogs had.

Some how I mustered up the courage to call! And the lady told me there was one boy left! One boy waiting for his loving forever home!

I have never lived a day of my life without a pet and never will.   In my family we never ever give pets away. No matter what. No matter how bad they are. Lol! 🙂

And I  love them like people.   So I knew that boy would have a loving furever home with us.

He was the last pup just waiting. They had him in a playpen and he was standing up wagging his little  tail and was so so happy to see us. He smothered me with kisses when I held him. Just like Koko used to.  And he has Koko’s face! But certainly not her personality!   She was calm and gentle and reserved.

This little boy is a terror! He’s wild and energetic and gets into everything he can get his little paws on!

He wasn’t afraid or anxious coming with us. I am so thankful that it was him there who we got to bring home. We had him for a little bit over a month and I can’t imagine not having him.

He is absolutely perfect.   I love how it’s like honoring Koko. He’s the same breed but full breaded and he’s like her life’s gift to us. I would never ever have wanted Koko to go away just to get another new dog. I wanted to hold on to her forever.   But I couldn’t and with this horrible situation we have him. This perfect five month old little pup.

Even my dad, who was reluctant at first and likes to be in control of everything is happy we got him and he calls him his son! Lol

His name is Emmy.  And everyone loves him. Even the other dogs.   Boobie who was Koko ‘s best friend in the world and was heart broken to lose Koko did not like Emmy at first. She avoided him like the plague. Now she loves him and plays with him the most! Koko did not usually play, she just snuggled.   Boobie is ten years old and all she does is play with five month old Emmy! He brought out her playful side.

Sometimes at night when I’m grieving so hard over my loss, I look next to me and see sweet little Emmy sleeping and I am overcome with gratitude and joy. It doesn’t take away my severe pain but it does ease it somewhat to know something good has come of this agonizing circumstance. 

Yesterday Emmy ripped my nose ring out! It has been pierced for about nine years and was never out! But yesterday morning when I was half sleeping it looked like a great plaything and he leapt up and ripped it out! It was bleeding! It needs special equipment to get it on and off but somehow he got the ball off and it flared up my pain disorder so bad. So my pain has been quite excruciating!   Tomorrow I have to go to the piercing place and get it put back in.

I love that sweet boy.

My mom, dad, and sister believe in signs and that things were /are “Meant to Be.”. I do not believe that.  They believe Emmy is “God’s ” gift or that Koko sent him to us. I don’t believe in anything of that sort but I love the way it all worked out.

I wanted to write something for myself to express my pain inside but also to let people know or remind people of the blessings all around, even in horrific situations. There’s always something good. It’s ok to grieve how you must as long as it takes.

I have lost animals my whole life because I have always had them and it’s always sad. But as a teenager and younger I did not feel negative or painful emotions as strongly as when I grew up.

Another sad loss I have experienced two years ago this month is the loss of a human friend, John. I never hung out with him but I saw him frequently and I love/d him as a friend. He died of an illness of the liver. It was shocking and devastating and still is sometimes. It is also one of the worst kinds of pain I ever had to endure.  But I let myself grieve and heal.

I am blessed with happy, loving, & funny memories of him.

He was a friendly, funny, and very loving man. And I am blessed to have known him.

One song that helped me cope with his death is: “Return to Innocence” by Enigma.

“Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide”

Shortly after he died I felt guilty for still feeling pleasure in things but I know I can’t stop living just because others have died. I am still here and I must go on.

My heart goes out to anyone who is grieving for any reason whether your loss is recent or many, years ago.   I hope you soon find the strength, hope, and consolation you need.

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Sweet Koko. April 1999 – April 2013

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Sweet little Emmy.

Xox0 Kim