Tag Archive | joy

Beautiful quote

“Love is more than what we feel for another person. It is the scent of lilacs, roses, the ocean breeze or fresh summer rain. That thing that makes your heart smile when you breathe it in. Love is a summer breeze, the first snow flake, a big hug or a warm blanket on a chilly day. It is that thing you feel when you are wrapped up in or touched by something wonderful. Love is grass on your bare feet or sand between your toes, it is the splash of the ocean or the warmth of the sun. It is that sense of touching something bigger then you that makes you realize how special we are to experience this moment, now, here. Love is million tiny moments that happen to the beat of our heart. That stirs our senses and awaken our spirits. That reminds us that when we fall we are not defeated, just seeing a different view feeling a different feeling. Love is what we feel with, touch with, see with. It is the one constant that makes our lives better. The added bonus isn’t love it is sharing all your love with the ones you love. “~ Cheryl Nordyke

Just sharing this beautiful quote I have seen today! Love it!

I think it’s a sweet reminder to appreciate all the simple pleasures and beauty all around us.

Xoxo0 Kim

Grief, Loss, & Healing

May19

I mentioned in previous posts that last month, my beautiful sweet fur baby, Koko died of old age. She was fourteen years old and my family had her for twelve years. It is one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. The fact that she was old and lived a full dog life with us brings me a sense of consolation but my grief was / is still so very strong. It hurts. So deeply. She was a significant part of me.

She slept with me and on my chest so many nights. I carried her around and loved and hugged and kissed her. I had her since I was a fourteen year old girl until I became a 26 year old woman. It’s unbelievable that she’s gone.
I got her in high school and she was there at every stage of this life of mine. When I struggled with depression, hospitalizations, graduations, loneliness, new people, college, just everything.

I can’t believe I’ll never hold her again.

Some moments that fact hits me so hard so deep. It cuts me. And it hurts. How can my sweet, sweet beautiful Koko be gone? Forever!? It’s incomprehensible. It’s astounding. I can’t believe it.

I can’t. It’s too sad. She was my baby. For about three weeks after Koko died, my grief was the number one thing I felt over anything. I have a generally happy life so underneath my grief I felt happiness but it was drowned out by the grief. I could hardly laugh or joke and be my lighthearted self for weeks. Finally, my zest for life returned and my grief took the back burner and my happiness returned to the top again with some occasions my grief becoming strong again.

But generally, my happiness was at the front. I know grief heals but never ever goes away. The edge usually goes away in general and that raw pain like in the beginning doesn’t take over in general anymore. For many people, the raw pain may make an appearance through the years every now and then. Maybe triggered by something or maybe just coming out of nowhere. But it’s no longer a constant after healing begins.

The raw pain of the loss of my sweet girl came back about a week ago. I expected it would at some point. And I expected it would go again. For the last week I have been struggling hard with it. I miss my Koko and I want so badly to hold her close and kiss that sweet head again. She kissed Soooo much! She loved to kiss.

I have so many, many pictures of her and I am incredibly thankful for that even though it hurts to see them. I can see her so clearly in my memories.

I want my grief to continue healing but I don’t want it to ever go, as painful as it is. It is an indication of true love & blessing.

It’s hard because not everyone understands the severe agony of pet loss so I cannot express my pain to everyone. Many, many people believe it’s just sad when a pet dies but not a “Real” or serious loss. People can think, feel what they will. But this is a big, and horrible loss for me.

I am angry. And I have been feeling as if I’m acting like a spoiled little ungrateful brat focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

But I know that’s not true. Grieving is ok.

Today I woke up with my heart pounding at the thought that I will never see my girl again. Not ever.

So I have to accept it. I have to. For me.

It’s not easy. But it just is.

Shortly after Koko died, I saw a sign hanging up that said pomeranian puppies for sale. A family had a litter of puppies that their dogs unexpectedly had and they had to find homes.

We had three other dogs already and were not looking for another. My mom had to go to a check cashing place. I complained. I usually go everywhere with my mom and did not want to go but she had to so we went. I walked in the door with a heavy heart. So broken and heavy.

I stood there trying to keep my grief at bay. I looked up across the room for no reason and there was that sign!

I couldn’t believe it! Koko was part pomeranian!! And no dog can ever replace her and make it ok that she’s gone even if I love that dog just as much but I wanted to give one of those babies a home.

My mom told me to copy the info. But she said my dad probably would not allow us to get one of those pom poms because my dad doesn’t like to have more than a few pets and we already had some.

But I copied it and when he came home after work i told him about the sign. He wasn’t as thrilled as we were but surprisingly to us it wasn’t completely out of the question either. I’m very, very shy even on the phone and I rarely make phone calls to people I don’t know or know well. Even as an adult I used to have my mom make my phone calls for me for things like therapists and stuff.

My dad told me to call the family selling those pups. Like I said before, these are not puppy mill or pet shop pups and I don’t support puppy mills and the atrocities and horror those places are full of. This is just a family with a litter of pups their dogs had.

Some how I mustered up the courage to call! And the lady told me there was one boy left! One boy waiting for his loving forever home!

I have never lived a day of my life without a pet and never will. In my family we never ever give pets away. No matter what. No matter how bad they are. Lol! 🙂

And I love them like people. So I knew that boy would have a loving furever home with us.

He was the last pup just waiting. They had him in a playpen and he was standing up wagging his little tail and was so so happy to see us. He smothered me with kisses when I held him. Just like Koko used to. And he has Koko’s face! But certainly not her personality! She was calm and gentle and reserved.

This little boy is a terror! He’s wild and energetic and gets into everything he can get his little paws on!

He wasn’t afraid or anxious coming with us. I am so thankful that it was him there who we got to bring home. We had him for a little bit over a month and I can’t imagine not having him.

He is absolutely perfect. I love how it’s like honoring Koko. He’s the same breed but full breaded and he’s like her life’s gift to us. I would never ever have wanted Koko to go away just to get another new dog. I wanted to hold on to her forever. But I couldn’t and with this horrible situation we have him. This perfect five month old little pup.

Even my dad, who was reluctant at first and likes to be in control of everything is happy we got him and he calls him his son! Lol

His name is Emmy. And everyone loves him. Even the other dogs. Boobie who was Koko ‘s best friend in the world and was heart broken to lose Koko did not like Emmy at first. She avoided him like the plague. Now she loves him and plays with him the most! Koko did not usually play, she just snuggled. Boobie is ten years old and all she does is play with five month old Emmy! He brought out her playful side.

Sometimes at night when I’m grieving so hard over my loss, I look next to me and see sweet little Emmy sleeping and I am overcome with gratitude and joy. It doesn’t take away my severe pain but it does ease it somewhat to know something good has come of this agonizing circumstance.

Yesterday Emmy ripped my nose ring out! It has been pierced for about nine years and was never out! But yesterday morning when I was half sleeping it looked like a great plaything and he leapt up and ripped it out! It was bleeding! It needs special equipment to get it on and off but somehow he got the ball off and it flared up my pain disorder so bad. So my pain has been quite excruciating! Tomorrow I have to go to the piercing place and get it put back in.

I love that sweet boy.

My mom, dad, and sister believe in signs and that things were /are “Meant to Be.”. I do not believe that. They believe Emmy is “God’s ” gift or that Koko sent him to us. I don’t believe in anything of that sort but I love the way it all worked out.

I wanted to write something for myself to express my pain inside but also to let people know or remind people of the blessings all around, even in horrific situations. There’s always something good. It’s ok to grieve how you must as long as it takes.

I have lost animals my whole life because I have always had them and it’s always sad. But as a teenager and younger I did not feel negative or painful emotions as strongly as when I grew up.

Another sad loss I have experienced two years ago this month is the loss of a human friend, John. I never hung out with him but I saw him frequently and I love/d him as a friend. He died of an illness of the liver. It was shocking and devastating and still is sometimes. It is also one of the worst kinds of pain I ever had to endure. But I let myself grieve and heal.

I am blessed with happy, loving, & funny memories of him.

He was a friendly, funny, and very loving man. And I am blessed to have known him.

One song that helped me cope with his death is: “Return to Innocence” by Enigma.

“Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide”

Shortly after he died I felt guilty for still feeling pleasure in things but I know I can’t stop living just because others have died. I am still here and I must go on.

My heart goes out to anyone who is grieving for any reason whether your loss is recent or many, years ago. I hope you soon find the strength, hope, and consolation you need.

Sweet Koko. April 1999 – April 2013

Sweet little Emmy.

Xox0 Kim

I Hope You Dance

Apr20

. It’s a rainy Friday night here in Philadelphia which reminds me of a song by Peppers Ghost called “Friday Night in Philadelphia.” It’s a great song but I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere!

I guess maybe it isn’t very popular?

Anyway, the lyrics are something like this “….Friday night, rainy night in Philadelphia…”. I always love when it rains and when it’s raining on a Friday night? Well, that’s what’s up! Lol 😉

I just got home recently. I was at work all night. I also have another song on my heart tonight. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack.

I love, love, LOVE that sweet song. It’s so uplifting, beautiful, and just the sweetest. ❤

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance”

Every word of that song, every line, every little message conveyed through that song touches me deeply, inspires me greatly.

To me, one of the most poignant lines in that song is

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

As most people who know me and mostly anyone who has read some parts of this blog of mine know, I have struggled with severe depression since I was young.

Not for any one specific reason. It runs in my family and some environmental issues have brought it out in me when I was young.

But I made a choice some years ago to take my life back and take control of it.

Some days I still feel that depression, that darkness, that despair, slowly creeping up on me getting ready to pounce any second.

It’s hard to believe I haven’t been suicidal or even thought of it in a serious or semi-serious way in six months. That is truly unbelievable to me. In 13, THIRTEEN years I have NEVER gone for more than four months, and usually not even that long without at least a little suicidal thought sneaking up on me because a depressed mood would sink in even if brief. My depression has always lifted completely for weeks or months for as long as I had it since 13 years old but always came back, to some degree, sometimes for a few days or few months before going again. Sometimes I would not be depressed and have no suicidal thoughts for four months and think I never would again, then depression would hit for a couple days, with suicidal thoughts, then go again and I would be happy for some more months or weeks. But those couple hours or days made it so I couldn’t go straight through without it.

But now? SIX months!!! And it’s all because of me. Because of the work I made a choice to do for myself. Of course I have had much help along the way but I am the main one.

I may have explained this to some extent on here before that there are different degrees of feeling suicidal.

There’s the brief, fleeting thought that ends as quickly as it appears.

Then there’s the ones that linger for a while.

There’s contemplation which is often accompanied by ambivalence.

Then there’s serious contemplation.

Then there’s the plan where the mind is made up for sure.

Then there’s the urges, compulsions where it feels that it has to be done now. There’s no more contemplation or ambivalence or uncertainty. It’s like this is it, it will happen soon or now.

I have felt all of this at various different points and it’s not pleasant. And it’s not a choice.

Actions are usually a choice but the thoughts and feelings are not.

I have learned how to often detect an impending episode that is about to occur and prevent it before it does. I am usually successful with this now.

Today, Friday, I have felt sluggish, almost depressed, in pain, still grieving over the loss of my dog, Koko.

I think of happy memories of her and smile brightly but I still cannot yet bring myself to look at pictures of her. But today I accidentally saw one of me holding her in a Christmas stocking and smiling brightly, four years ago.

I smiled but the pain was so deep. And that added to my sluggish, painful state today. Work cheered me up though and so did the rain.

It’s ok to grieve and to always sense that loss. It’s healthy.

It’s part of living. Part of loving.

I felt true depression coming on and it was about to be the suicidal kind. I can’t say how I know. I just do. After fourteen years of depression, off & on, I just know these things although they cannot be explained. So so badly I wanted to just give in and succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts/contemplation. It was taking too much energy to not give in.

Then these lyrics came to my mind and hit me hard. Right in the gut. Right in the heart as if to say “Come to your senses!”. “Get a grip!”. “Stop this utter ridiculousness!”

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

I will not succumb. I will not give in. I will not give up.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger”

I will be satisfied with, fulfilled, and thankful for all I have but I will still be passionately driven to seek more of life, more knowledge, more opportunities to learn, to live, to love, to help….

I will never lose that hunger.

I will dance.

This song gives me chills.

And I want to dedicate it to everyone who may be struggling for any reason at all, anyone who is coming close to or considering giving up, and everyone who has that hunger and will never ever give up and will choose to dance. Always. ❤

When one door closes, never be afraid to open another.

😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

Just a Happy Post :-D <3

Apr14

I love all of the seasons and to me the transition of the seasons is so magical. I was walking to work one day recently and looked up and noticed all of the colorful flowers blooming to life on the trees and all around.

And the weather was sparkling and warm and the splendid rays of the beautiful sun were caressing the Earth all around me. I felt as if I have just come in contact once again with a long lost friend who I haven’t seen in forever. It was beautifully overwhelming.

My dog, Koko, died exactly one week ago and since then I haven’t been the same. I have been sluggish and kind of in a fog with no zest or life spark in me. On occasion, I was still able to smile & laugh at things and find joy but it wasn’t the same as it was before my loss.

Deep inside me I couldn’t shake that nagging deep pain. I began to not only mourn Koko but to mourn for part of myself. I haven’t felt completely like myself and felt that I may never get myself completely back again.

That’s also how I feel when my pain disorder flares up severely and when I become severely depressed. But a while after my pain disorder calms and my depression heals, things go back to the same.

I know things will never be the same now because Koko will never be back.

But I also know that after time goes by the edge of the pain will diminish some and grief will heal, although it will never go away. It will become easier to live with and I will have the happiness of knowing my dog when I did.

I have hundreds & hundreds of pictures of her in my phone but I don’t like to look at them just yet. The pain of seeing her so clearly in pictures but not having her here is very deep. It’s heartbreaking.

Today, one week later, I felt my usual life spark again, very brief & fleeting but it appeared. That gives me so much hope that soon I will get back to my sparkling self.

I wasn’t just happy before Koko died; I had this zest & sparkling life all throughout me, pulsating through my veins and blood.

I know I’ll be that way in general again and it won’t be too long before I experience that again but I sure miss it right now.

Today is my furbaby Isis’ birthday! She is six years old and I love her. She was my baby for four years and one of the greatest things in this world. She is so happy and full of life, so energized and playful.

She is a very spoiled girl today! But that is nothing new! I spoil her everyday!

But today she got lots of bones and a toy and a vanilla frosted cake. She was wagging her tail and jumping all over the place!

Also, a few days ago I accidentally came across a sign in a check cashing place, made by a family who had a litter of pomeranian pups that they had to find homes for. Their pom baby had pups and they decided to sell them, not at a pet store but just to anyone interested. Their dog had the pups without them wanting her too. So they had to find homes.

Koko was half pom and I don’t usually see ads for those kind. The ones the family were selling are full breaded poms.

My family wasn’t planning on getting a new dog as we already had three as well as other pets.

And if I were going to look for a new pet I would prefer to adopt one at a high kill shelter to save lives and not support the horror of puppy mills where they are severely neglected, abused, and mistreated.

But when I stumbled across this sign I copied down the info. The family lives very close to us and I knew we would give the puppy a very loving home that s/he deserves if we got one.

But I also knew that my dad would probably disregard the idea. He prefers to only have one or two pets.

I don’t mind more as long as it’s not an insane amount because that’s not good for anyone! Lol

But very surprisingly my dad said if I call for information we can think about it.

So I called the lady and she was very friendly.

And all the puppies found homes except for one little boy who still needed one!

So my mom, dad, and me went to see him and I fell in love instantly!

He is fourteen weeks old extremely friendly and outgoing. He is this big fluffy ball of fur who craves attention and is not timid or scared at all.

My dad said we could have him!

We brought him home and he gets along well with all the other animals.

I love him already, we call him Emmy. But no animal can ever replace another even if the new animal is loved as much just like no person can ever replace another.

My heart still aches for Koko and always will. I miss her so terribly it hurts.

I have also felt very lonely in my grief but I know others feel the same.

Last night I went to a movie with my mom, dad, and sister. We saw “Evil Dead”. It is so hilarious but I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be or not. There are demons calling people “bitch” and stuff and saying “Suck my cock!”. I was lmao!

But it’s also ridiculously GRUSOME! Blood everywhere, body parts ripped off, gore and all.

And I have mentioned in a previous post how that affects me. I have a very strong stomach and do not get queasy over blood and guts on tv or in person but I feel almost as if it’s happening to me when I see it. Yuck! Lol.

But it sure is funny, this movie!

I’ll be getting ready for work soon.

I love working at the store but recently my coworker and me got yelled at badly! My boss said someone told her we were giving away free stuff to people. That accusation is completely UNTRUE but she believes it and said we will be fired if she hears that again. Which really sucks because someone is lying for some reason and can just lie again!

This isn’t the first day someone lied. We have gotten told about this before.

Since we have no cameras people get away with too much like lying and stuff!

Oh well though, I’m still staying positive! 😀

Another thing I am very happy about is: I was filling out a job application recently for a peer specialist position/training class and on the app where it asks for basic info such as race, name, address, and gender, for gender it has options to check off: Female, Male, and Gender Variant/trans.

I am so pleased that they include other options than just the usual male/female. While most people can identify as male or female, some do not. Some prefer to be referred to as transsexual/transgender and imagine the frustration and exclusion they must feel being forced to check off something that doesn’t completely describe them! All places should be more open to variation/diversity of all kinds.

I know some trans. People want to be referred to as male and some as female but some like to also be known as trans. Some people identify with aspects of both genders while others cannot identify with either and that is all ok.

So yeah that makes me happy!

😀

I looked down and saw my “Love Life/Be Brave” bracelet earlier and love the feeling I got. This life truly is beautiful even through the pain, sorrow, and misfortunes.

I hope you all find/have strength, happiness, positivity, and much hope. ❤ 😀

Xoxo Kim ❤

P.S. That’s my birthday girl in that pic with me! ❤

Roses <3

Feb13

Recently I was sitting in the back of my dad’s mini van and my dad & mom were sitting in the front and I asked them if thorns have roses or if roses have thorns. I sort of expected my dad to get my underlying message but they both laughed at me and my dad said “Kim, did you really just ask that?!” And my mom said “Roses have thorns; the rose is the main thing.”. I laughed and that was that. Lol

“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr

We always have the choice to truly see the stunning beauty & the true goodness or to be conquered by the negative and the pain. Yes roses do have thorns but why dwell on that fact when we can just be grateful that thorns have sweet roses?

😀 ❤

Xox0 Kim ❤

Pain & Simplicity

Feb9

I was thinking recently about how incredibly simple but also painful my life can be and at first that may seem boring, like a bad thing. But the truth is, to me, it’s a beautiful life. My life is generally uneventful and I have never been one to hit up the bars or clubs or have lots of friends and attend big parties every weekend, although I see nothing wrong with that, it’s just not me. Even in college, I would just go to class, some volunteer events and things like that, and then come home. I used to be embarrassed to tell people I just met when they ask me what I do for fun. “I read self-help books all day long” probably isn’t most people’s idea of a thrill but to me it’s one of the biggest.

My idea of fun is cafes with friends and movies with family and some other things too.

Right now, I have a job at a store and am planning on applying for more counseling jobs. I have been criticized by people, especially my family, for “doing nothing” with my life. But that is their idea of “nothing”, not mine. And as long as I’m happy and not hurting or interfering with others that’s all that matters, not what other people think. They live how they choose and I’ll live how I choose. That’s the way it should be.

The truth is, it is possible to be happy with a simple, uneventful, and even a very painful life. But we have to cut back on the comparisons. I used to frequently compare myself and my life to others my age usually. I criticized myself for not being interested in certain things that other people were interested in. I criticized myself for being “too simple”. But now I see the beauty in that. We should all live how we want and let others live how they want to live, not compare in any way. It’s not good to destructively criticize ourselves for not being like others but it’s also not good to act like we are better and other people are lower. We are all different but no one is better.

Recently my facial pain disorder has become more severe and developed on the other side of my face as well. It used to be usually only on the left. Now I have it on the left and the right. I am in pain more often than not. Often it’s mild pain that I am so used to it’s just there in the background the way a chair is against my body or clothes are on my body that I don’t even think of much until something brings my attention to it, or is moderate pain or bordering on moderate with recurrent severe and seemingly unbearable flare-ups. Sometimes the severe pain comes on suddenly without warning. But I have learned to cope with it better. I used to scream uncontrollably during severe flare-ups. I would scream loudly until I would lose my voice. My mom used to scold me for screaming through the night, saying people would think I was being murdered. But I couldn’t help it. I would be in agony and squeeze the bars on my bed or collapse with my face in my hands and just shake for hours in unspeakable, unfathomable pain that I felt was destroying me. Or I would pace constantly all night long until the sun would come up. The facial pain disorder also affects my ears. Think about the absolute worst toothache or any ache you have ever experienced in your life, multiply it by millions and imagine it all over your face, jaw, ears, head, neck, and shoulders and you may come close to understanding what many, many days/nights are like for me. After a severe flare-up ends I am worn out, exhausted, and in shock for a few days after because of the shock and immensity of it and it takes a while to start feeling like and being myself again. But I have learned to cope. And to eliminate or reduce the pain sometimes.

But even with this, I still have a beautiful, wonderful life of joy & beauty. I have also unintentionally developed this wonderful, positive habit of associating my pain with feeling blessed and thinking of joyous things. One coping mechanism of mine is focusing on the joy of life even through the pain as opposed to focusing only on or mainly on the pain. One night recently I was laying in my bed at night when suddenly I felt this shooting, stabbing pain sear through my face, jaw, and ear but instantly I thought of pleasant things like the stars outside my window that I can see through the bare tree branches. Often when the pain culminates to an unbearable level, now I automatically think of something good even if that good thing is in no way connected to the pain.

I have got into the habit of making the pain remind me of something good.

Facial massages, walking, stretches…all that helps reduce it or just helps me handle it better.

Another thing is cultivating and maintaining an attitude of gratitude.

Thinking about and listing things to be thankful for helps not only presently taking the mind off of the pain and onto pleasant things but gets us in the habit of looking for positive and beautiful things in general.

Here are some tips for gratitude journaling:

1.) Keep the gratitude journal ONLY for pleasant things. You can have other journals for other things but designate one just for gratitude lists.

2.). When you write what you’re grateful for, consciously meditate upon it. Savor the feeling, feel it with your body. Let it inspire you and fill you with awe. Be consciously aware. Not robotic and lifeless.

3.). Make this experience fun and positive and don’t see making the gratitude lists as boring or obligatory or as a hassle. Get in the habit of enjoying it! 😀

4.) Make the list as long or as short as you want or need.

5.). Mix it up, you can list everyday routine things you are thankful for in general or things that happened that day that do not happen everyday.

6.) It’s ok to list the same things sometimes on different days.

7.) Carry the journal around with you if you can so you can write things right away that fill you with gratitude.

8.) You can even write how those positive things make you feel or how you felt when certain things happened.

9.) You can also decorate your journal and the pages. Glue on pictures…

10.). Make this a habit. But it may take a while to form and for it to feel natural. After about three weeks it will probably start to feel more regular.

11.) Make the lists even on boring or “bad” days when it seems nothing good has happened. Make them especially on these days when you need some inspiration.

So even though my life can be very painful, it’s still great. And I love the simplicity of it. And I will not let my pain or my physical disability limit me in other ways or destroy me any longer.

We don’t need big things to happen every single day and we don’t need an absolutely painless life to love it. ❤

I hope this post helps some people.

X0xo Kim. ❤ 🙂 😀

A Dose of Inspiration

One Love <3