Tag Archive | self

You Can Bend but Never Break Me </3 <3

Jul29

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Recently I have been thinking about how “unfair” and “unjust” things are and seem.   People and things in this world can really drag us down and if we let them, even keep us down. There ‘s no doubt about it, people and things outside of ourselves affect us in negative (as well as positive) ways. In ways that may seem out of our control. But my truth is that people can have control over the extent in which they allow people and things, circumstances to “get to them.”

I don’t always have control over what anyone other than myself says or does or feels. I can’t help if people lash out at me, sling insults at me, physically assault me, verbally abuse me, or try hard to bring me down. I also do not and will not always have control over my circumstances or situations.  I can’t always help getting stuck in traffic, things breaking, things not going my way.  And the truth is since I am a living mortal with human emotions and not a robot, a brick wall, dead, brain dead, or whatever else these negative people and situations and things WILL negatively affect me in ways. They will. And that is part of being a living human. A feeling human. I may not have complete control over how things affect me but I DO have control over the degree in which they affect me.

Maybe not right away. But I can practice and learn to not be buffeted by things outside of myself. 
I can do this by acknowledging and accepting the fact that life is good and bad and to remind myself that when people do things wrong to intentionally impact me negatively it says something about them, not me.  
I can look at all the greatness I am surrounded with and filled with and learn not to dwell constantly on the pain and negative things.
I can honor myself. Do and Be what brings me joy. And know that if people do not like me or appreciate me, it’s their loss, their problem.

One day recently I read a story, a true and devastating story, written by a grieving mother who lost her 22 year old son to homicide many years ago. He was a college boy, shot dead by a much older “friend ” over a trivial argument. The mother’s strength and passion and determination amazed me then when I first read that story and amazes me now.  
She chose to live. To keep going. A criminal, a murderer changed her life. And the lives of everyone who knew and loves him. It changed this mother ‘s life for the worse. He took away her only son and left her with just memories, grief, seemingly unbearable pain, and so much confusion and shock . He shattered her life. But she made the choice to put her life back together, though it will never be the same. A vicious, malicious criminal ended her loving, caring son ‘s life but she sure as hell wasn’t going to let that same malicious man end hers in anyway. She is now an advocate for homicide victims and their families and friends.   She works with criminals and murderers in positive ways to try to get them to understand to some degree the devastation that their horrific actions have on everyone around them.
She is a survivor.

Some years ago, a man held a gun to my chest at the store where I work. It’s window service. I was working alone late at night with no one else around.  He came up to the window and told me he had a gun and that I better give him all the store money or he would kill me. He actually said those words to me. “I’ll kill you.” I refused to give him the money and he pulled the gun out and held it to my chest and said “I’m serious, I will kill you.”. 

I still refused. (yeah people told me later how very stupid I was)

Then he told me I better give it or he’ll kill me and take the money then kill the people in the bar across the street which my boss also owns. He said if I give him the money we all live. I never want anyone else’s lives in danger so I let him have it.

The man was never caught. There was no camera to catch his image. I couldn’t identify him in any pictures.   None were of him.

I wasn’t hurt. And I wasn’t touched physically.   

My dad says every now and then how one of his biggest fears is someone coming to the window again while I’m working and actually carrying through with a vicious plan or threat of some sort and either ending or “ruining” my life. He’s afraid I’ll live but be seriously attacked or injured in some way.

But I made a choice. No one will ever ruin my life unless that person ends it. But as long as I’m living No one other than me can destroy me or ruin me because I said so and I will never give anyone that power.   I may not always be able to prevent or avoid an attack, physical or verbal. But I won’t let it destroy me. No one deserves that kind of power over me.

Something or someone can hurt me. Scare me. Paralyze me or whatever but NO ONE will destroy or ruin me. I will be negatively affected by negative people and things.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to be fully alive.   It is normal. Natural. Healthy.   To be negatively affected by the world around us. To be sad. Disappointed.   Grief stricken. Angry. Scared…..jealous….suspicious, all in healthy dosages.

But then we get back up and move forward. And keep going. And keep living.   And still create happiness & joy.

Like Helen Reddy sings, “You can Bend but Never Break me”

What I’m saying right now must be said gently or I risk sounding cruel. It is in no way intended to tell “victims” or survivors of anything to “get over it” or that they’re overreacting or not handling things right. Everyone reacts in different ways and handles things differently. I want survivors of anything, big and small things, alike to take back the power and never let someone or something else have that power.

I don’t want a criminal or a bully or a situation or illness or anything to have power over a person. I want the person to empower herself (himself). It’s not always easy.   It takes learning and practice and maybe some extra help.
But we can learn not to be destroyed by someone or something else outside of ourselves. We don’t have to feel numb or deny the impact or the scars. We can admit the horror we have endured and how it affected us and then muster up all the strength we have and move forward with an open heart. 

It’s not your fault that people do bad things to you. There’s no justification for abuse or assault or mistreatment of any kind.  And it’s not your fault if you have a sickness of any kind or a disability.   And it’s not your fault if you react negatively to the negativity or mistreatment. It’s just your natural reaction. You can take back your power and own yourself.

I will rise above the victim mentality. Instead I will acknowledge and honor my ability to make choices, my ability to choose happiness and joy even through the trauma and sorrow and grief and negativity.

I refuse to be a victim.

Xoxo Kim

“You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul”. ~ Helen Reddy (I Am Woman)

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The lovely Moon, a light in the darkness.

Putting a Positive Spin on the questions you ask yourself

Jul12

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You know those questions, the ones you ask yourself when you mess up or feel low about yourself? The ones which make you feel even more low?? They sound something like this:

1.) How can I be so stupid?!

2.) How could have I done such a thing?!

3.) Am I the biggest asshole Or what?

4.) Can I be anymore of a fuck up? 

5.) What is WRONG with me?!

6.) Can I ever do anything right?!

7.) How could I have let this happen. 

And then there’s the self-abusive/hopeless  statements:

1.) what an asshole I am.

2.) I am the biggest loser.

3.) how stupid I am!

4.) I can’t do anything right.

5.) I’m so fat.

6.) i’ll never amount to anything.

7.) nothing will ever get better.

Those negative questions and statements serve no purpose but to perpetuate your negative energy and your low moods.

Instead of giving into that kind of self talk you may want to try this instead: take those questions and statements and put a positive spin on them.

For example. Take question #1 which is “How can I be so stupid?!” and transform it to:

“What can I do in the future to try to prevent this mistake I made now?”. Everyone makes mistakes, misunderstands things, is unaware of certain things, and does something wrong every now and then. Try to recognize what you may have missed or done wrong. You won’t always be able to prevent it again though. You will always occasionally make mistakes, some even more than once, maybe even again and again. And that’s ok. You are a human after all.

Go easy on yourself. Messing up doesn’t indicate that you are unintelligent. 

Let’s take #2 “How could I have done such a thing?!”. Let’s transform that to:

“I made a mistake or have done something I’m not proud of. It says nothing of my worth or my overall intelligence or ability to make decisions.”. 

Just because you occasionally do something “stupid ” doesn’t mean you, the person, is stupid.   Just because you “fail” once in a while doesn’t make you a failure as a person.

And instead of seeing it as “failing”, you can even take this message:  
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. ” ~Thomas A. Edison

You are experimenting and learning.

Instead of “I can’t do anything right” try something like “this did not turn out how I wanted but I can learn what to do/what not to do in the future. “

Ask yourself why you did what you did, how you can act differently in the future. Replace words like “loser “, “asshole”, “fail” or “failure ” with more positive loving words.   You are a person who has made a mistake, tried and things did not go as expected or planned. You are alive and so have the opportunity to try and try again and WIN.

Also, when things are going your way and you are happy and inspired and joyous, it can help you to take note of it, examine it and see why you are feeling amazing.   If you can pinpoint the things and thoughts and actions that are contributing to those wonderfully positive feelings, you can make a habit of doing and thinking those things regularly so you generally feel more positive. 

If you are generally a happy, relaxed, joyful person then keep on doing what you’re doing!   Think good things about yourself and others.   Continue to care for yourself. 

Rest. Sleep. Meditate. Splurge once in a while. Cut negative people out of your life. 

If you catch yourself having too many negative moods or feelings lately, stop and see if you can determine why. Everyone, no matter how healthy and happy is going to experience low moods and feelings once in a while. That’s ok. But when they start becoming frequent and crashing in on you, take note of it.

Has something changed recently?

Are you getting less sleep for some reason?

Having difficulty in some relationship of yours?

Is the way you view an unpleasant experience contributing to your low feelings. 

If you are generally not very happy, are very stressed, anxious, or depressed, there are things you can do to elevate and maintain a general sense of well-being.

Even if you’re generally unhappy or sluggish there may still be more seldom moments in your life where you have felt much better, happier, energized, and joy filled.

Sometimes you won’t know why you’re feeling low or why you’re feeling happy. Moods fluctuate often without a known reason. 

But see if you can become aware of why you feel the way you do.

If meditating, resting, countering negative thoughts, caring for yourself, eating healthier…makes you feel happier and uplifts you, make those things routine. Do them everyday. Incorporate them into your schedule.

You’re worth it! 😀

Xox0 Kim

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Everlasting Essence

Jun14

It has been said that whatever you do for yourself dies with you but what you do for others lives on forever. 

And it’s true that the messages and inspiration and impact that some people have on the world lives and breathes long after the people themselves have died.

I think often of some of the most inspirational people I have never met. I haven’t met them but their lives have impacted me just 
the same.  

And not only me but many, many people have been positively affected by these people.

A few of the people whose lives are everlasting inspirational messages that touch the lives of many and will live on and on and on are:

Norman Vincent Peale (famous for “The Power of Positive Thinking”)

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you. “

“There is a giant in every person, and nothing can get this giant down unless that giant is kept down by himself.”

“Help other people to cope with their own problems and your own will be easier to cope with.”

Stephen R. Covey (famous author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”)

“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise.” 

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” 

Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

Mr. Huie is still alive and I receive his beautiful e-mails every morning. His page is a collection of his own thoughts and the thoughts of others that he appreciates. His messages are so uplifting, warm, firm, and gentle.   And so beautiful. Many dark nights I have struggled with depression, loneliness, and despair. I would lay wide awake in bed but feeling half dead and so broken when suddenly my phone would start flashing and I would check and see one of his wonderful e-mails and it would bring me so much comfort and love.  

The man inspires me so deeply. He is the most grateful person I ever met. (actually never met). 

He expresses gratitude for his entire life good and bad and every aspect and he embraces all that he is and is so grateful for himself.   He stated that he is grateful for literally everything that has ever happened to him. Every single thing.   Every tragedy. Every heartbreak. Every love. Every tear. Every breath. Every beautiful gift. This IS to live, breathe, and BE loving gratitude.  

I am friends with him on Facebook and I have also “liked” his “like” page.

Please see his page and share it. I cherish this man and his life.

Let me bring peace into moments of chaos.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I reach toward the shining mountains,
beyond the fog of daily worries.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I do not need anyone’s permission to be my true self.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I sail the seas of life as the MASTER of my ship.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I give thanks for both my bloom and my thorns.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I am one with the Earth,
with the Water, with the Fire,
with the Air that I breathe,
with all Living Things,
and we are all one with Spirit.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

I sometimes think what if these great people never came into the world. Or what if they did but they neglected to express their inspiration and thoughts out of fear? Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule?   Fear of criticism. Fear that no one will listen. Fear…..

And these people are/were in fact criticized.   Both constructively and destructively. And that’s ok.  I have read the criticisms, hear of the criticism.  
No matter how great, amazing, and beautiful a person is and no matter how positive the message, the person and message will be criticized by others. Not everyone will always gratefully receive ideas, even great ones. And that’s ok.
If they gave into fear, we would not have their beauty surrounding us today.

Do you have a message you want to put out into the world to touch people for the better?

Go ahead. Don’t you hold back. Write a book. Make a video.   Create a blog or website. Share Facebook statuses or other social media content. Get your message out there.   Tell anyone you can!  You can be sure you will receive some criticism. And not all constructive.   Some will be just plain vicious. And unnecessary.   But that’s ok. That tells us a little something about those negative critics, and tells us nothing about you.

Your message, your life, your story defines you. The callousness of others does not.

Every person is a different light to the world. And when a person dies, the world is a little colder. A little darker. For that light of that person is gone. Forever. But there are new people coming into the world every day. Every second. With new lights coming into the world.   So the world will never be completely dark or cold. That’s the good thing. No light can replace another. No person can replace another.   But each light and each person can touch the world in unique ways that other ones cannot.   The world is never lost. Never dead. Never alone. There is always someone. There is always light.

I want to be that girl. The one with a message that lives on long after I do. Somehow. Some way.   Like Dr. Peale’s and Dr. Covey’s. And Jonathan Lockwood Huie’s. And I want to honor their lives and the lives of many other motivational/inspirational speakers and great thinkers dead and alive by sharing their messages, quotes, writings, stories, and essence with others.

Do I agree with everything all of these people profess and believe and think? No. But I still receive their warm inspiration and their beauty and their positive impact and I want to share their lives with all who will let me and in the process create my own everlasting message.

What I do believe in is their underlying message of gratitude, positivity, compassion, caring for others, and love. I believe in it with my whole heart, every square inch of my being, my very essence. They say different things in different ways but their true message is the same: working for a better world for all of us.

And I want you to know that you have the potential to impact many, many lives just as they do. You already are impacting people.  You don’t have to be as famous as they are or even famous at all. You don’t have to be popular or well known.   And your message does not have to reach people at the magnitude theirs do for you to make this world a better place.  You don’t need an educational degree or any certain profession or job. You don’t have to be professional writers or doctors like them. All you need is YOU. Just to be you and the courage to speak your truth.

Much love to you.

This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine.

Xoxo Kim

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Just Checking In & Gratitude <3

Jun5

I haven’t forgotten about this blog or given up on blogging!  It’s just that something dreadful happened to my poor poor phone recently!  As people who read my blog may know I mostly use my phone for blogging.  It is (or was :-/) a lovely, perfect phone.  I love mobile phones with Internet a lot.  And I prefer them over computers of any kind for everything that I can get away with using them for.  As you may or may not know, I recently got a new Blackberry Z10 phone!  About two months ago.  Not very long but it already contained “my whole life” on it.  Thousands of pictures, thousands of songs/playlists, contacts, memos, apps….

One night a few days ago after work I was getting out of my dad’s mini van and I dropped my beautiful phone!  And the beautiful, perfect touch screen CRACKED!  I can live with a crack on my phone but that’s not all!  The crack starts at the bottom and goes right on up to the top at a curve and the small portion of the screen below the crack works perfectly while the large portion of the screen above the crack is done for.  Yup!  It’s a lost cause.

And the worst part is that all my memos are GONE.  All of my inspirational thoughts and ideas and writings.  Many drafts of posts I planned on publishing here are just gone. </3

Luckily my phone is insured and in a few days I will pay over 100 dollars and then shortly after that I will have a new Blackberry Z10.  But it won’t bring all my sweet ideas back. 

😦  But you know what, it’s my fault.  I take full responsibility.  And not in a guilty way but in a constructive way. If I did what I planned and backed my ideas up on paper they would still be here.  If I was more careful with my phone and put it in my bag instead of carrying it in my hand with a million other things, my phone would not have fallen to the ground.  If I kept the cover on like my mom insisted over and over again, it probably would have protected my screen.  But none of that occurred.  What did occur is that I dropped my phone while it was in the nude and did not copy any of my ideas onto paper.  That is my reality.  Not pleasant but true.  And I accept it and will know better.

 

http://mashable.com/2013/03/20/blackberry-z10-teardown-whats-up-with-that/

At the above link the author who breaks smartphones intentionally by dropping them to watch them shatter and test how they work afterwards explains how blackberry phones are much less likely to survive a fall than other touchscreen phones like the iPhone. Blackberry company likes their phones to be thinner, lighter, and less expensive so they make their touchscreens suckier than others and more likely to not work after a fall. But if the phone is in its case there’s a good chance it will survive the fall. Looks like my mom was right! I should have listened. But my phone case is rubber and my new baby boy doggy loves to chew it so I gave it to him!

I generally, naturally have an open and grateful “mind”. And even when I’m not in the most grateful mood, I usually make it a point to look for things to be grateful for and it isn’t difficult to find things that I KNOW are blessings even when I don’t really FEEL the gratitude I know I should feel for them at that moment. After losing my phone like this it really woke me up even more to all I have. The night it happened I tried so hard to fix it, calling the T-Mobile place, trying to back up all my info on a computer…and nothing seemed to help. All throughout the night I woke up feeling sad over it. Then I would think of something amazing I still do have. I would look over at my sweet little Emmy (my baby boy, puppy) sleeping beside me and feel how completely blessed I am. I have so much more than a phone.

Losing my phone is very unfortunate but it would have been so much worse to lose a friend or a pet or a family member or my life. This thought inspires me right now and has been inspiring me since I lost the quality of my phone. I don’t think it to myself aggressively as a lecture to myself to scold me for being ungrateful. Instead I firmly but gently remind myself that it’s ok to be sad over this and disappointed but to look at all I still do have.

I have things to look forward to as well.

There are a couple of movies I desperately want to see so soo desperately!!!

One is “The Heat” and one is “The Purge”.

The Heat looks sooo entertaining and so hilarious while the Purge seems so very fascinating. It’s about how every year or something one night of the year ALL criminal acts of every kind become legal. The people who are for this are hoping it will reduce criminal acts the rest of the year in general because they’ll get it all out that one night. I know it’s only a movie and I’m not easily offended but I actually am quite offended by the whole very concept that homicide and sexual assault are legal for one night. Like I said, I know it’s not real but still. lol It’s ridiculous but it’s interesting and I LOVE Philosophy. It was actually my major in College.

I, myself, do not believe that most people would commit a very serious criminal act even if it were to become legal. I sure as hell would not. It is deeply Philosophical and so incredibly fascinating to ponder. It brings up a lot of issues like “where do we get our morals?” “Are morals and the idea of right and wrong innate or learned?” “Is there really an objective RIGHT and an objective WRONG or is it all just subjective opinions?” There is no scientific or direct one answer. But I believe the basic idea of right and wrong is so ingrained into our “minds” and we are so used to certain horrific acts such as homicide and sexual assault being NOT ok and being so very wrong that most of us would not commit those acts even if we could and get away with it. Think about it. Would you commit homicide even if you could and not be in trouble at all? Can you really bring yourself to do that? Would you sexually assault someone? I don’t think so. The law can change but it won’t change our sanity and conscience.

We will still be civil and moral and not want to seriously hurt someone. Now, there’s no doubt in my mind that SOME people would take full advantage of criminal acts being legal and all hell would break loose where they are. No doubt about it. But I believe people are basically good and for the most part we don’t need laws of any sort telling us what to do and not to do when it comes to serious criminal acts. This is not to say we don’t need law or police or government though. I think even if people would turn bad if the legal laws become obsolete (which is very unlikely, I believe) it would take many years for “criminal” acts to get out of hand. Like I said most of us either know what is right and wrong innately or we are so used to being told something is wrong that we would not take advantage of criminal acts becoming legal. At least I hope I’m right about this!! lol My mom and sister seriously disagree with me on this!

If homicide becomes legal I still will NEVER kill. I don’t care if I won’t get in trouble at all. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be the kind of woman who does bad things just because I can. I want to be true and honest and loving and nurturing and healing.

Thank You SO SO much to all police officers, detectives, and other law enforcement people who work so hard and even put themselves in danger often, to keep us safe and to keep society in order. We often take them and their work for granted and they deserve a big THANK YOU!! ❤

And another thing I am looking very forward to is writing a guest post for TinyBuddha.com

http://www.tinybuddha.com/

is an inspirational website about living a great life and things like that and they love for "ordinary" people, ones who are not necessarily professionals or experts or writers or life coaches…, to write positive and inspiring posts on personal experiences of how to live an amazing and rewarding life. There are certain guidelines the writers must follow and if the author of the website likes the guest post and sees it fit for her website she will accept it and publish it for millions of people to see! Mine may not get accepted but maybe it will! It has to be original and can never have been published anywhere previously not even on the person's own blog or website.

Mine will be on mindfulness and celebrating life itself. 😀

I am so happy about this because I love to inspire people and touch lives for the better. ❤

And something I am thankful for:

❤ My beautiful body. It functions near perfectly. It carries me day and night. It lets me feel and love and heal and live. It allows me to experience pleasure and pain and all of life. Thank You eyes for seeing the beauty all around, for seeing colors and long hair and leaves blowing in the wind, thank you ears for the wonderful experience of cars screeching in the streets and the birds chirping in the trees and the music of life. Thank you nose and tongue for the scents and tastes of rain and citrus and chocolate and cookies and mist and laundry detergent, thank you skin and fingers for the smooth touch and feel of blankets throughout the morning and night. The hug of a friend and the touch of an animal's feathers or fur. The feel of hot and cold, and snow glistening. Thank You Heart that dances in my chest for the pulsating rhythm of life that pounds through me. Thank You bones for being strong and firm. Thank You kidneys for all the hard work to keep my body going strong. Thank You stomach for digesting so so perfectly and thank you muscles and veins and all of me. Thank You brain for allowing me to live and be conscious. Thank You spinal cord and nerves for allowing me to feel and walk and sit up straight. Thank You appendix for whatever it is you do. (Keeping the good germs alive and well?!) Thank You beautiful , wondrous body of mine. For everything.

I wrote this because I LOVE my beautiful body. I am beautiful.

My sister asked me if it's easy being so cheesy. lol Yes, for me, yes it is. 😀

I hope you all are having a beautiful day or night.

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x0x0 Kim ❤

Beauty All Around

May28

buddhakim

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I woke up somewhat early. Early for me. 10:00am The night before, I slept very well. I have been struggling with lower back pain, bordering on severe. Along with my facial pain disorder flaring up. Right now it’s because of my sleeping schedule being kind of messed up with my dog’s waking me up throughout the night and morning and the central air thing in my house broke so it has been excruciatingly hot some nights. I’m telling you, not getting the right amount of sleep for me really messes me up like nothing else! I get sick, coming down with sore throats, my hair falls out in clumps!, my whole body aches like hell, and on and on

But anyway,

When I woke up yesterday morning, my family was already awake and decided we would all go out together before I had to be in work at 5:00pm. We had no specific plans so we ventured on out just to see. And we drove by a Buddhist church in South Philadelphia! I never seen anything like it! Ever! I have never even known Buddhist churches exist! I don’t even know if it’s called a “church”. I’m uneducated on this topic. My dad saw it before though but he doesn’t know anything about it.

It’s AMAZING looking! The whole outside is very colorful with large statues all around it! So beautiful.

I wanted to go in SO badly!! But we are not sure if it’s open to the public or if only Buddhists/members are allowed in. I am not a Buddhist. I am an Atheist. But I love to learn about Buddhism and read the quotes and wonder at the concepts and things. So we just took lots of pictures outside with the statues!

bk8

bk9

I LOVED walking around in the wonderful weather. It was warm & sunny but with a slight chill.
In Center City Philadelphia, outside some stores, there are free books and things and my dad wanted to check some out! And I found a few treasures! This one book I found and was going to give to my sister. It’s a book of poems amd quotes mostly about things pertaining to a God. The Biblical God it seems. My sister, just like my dad & mom, is into God, Biblical things, and the supernatural things. I, however, am the oddball of the family who turned out a skeptic. lol 😀

But when I checked the book out better I soon realized it’s more my cup of tea than her’s! It’s a book of poems and quotes about appreciating the gifts all around that are considered by many to be “God’s blessings.” While I am quite the skeptic I am anything but closed minded. I find inspiration everywhere. Even in things with a religious or theistic tinge. I close my mind to nothing. I am very blessed and more and I LOVE all things about appreciating the beauty around us and helping those in need, people & animals alike.

I am so grateful that this littlen gem has fallen into my hands!

And I want to share an amazing short poem in this book.

Love Should Blossom

“So many loving words to give
To those with whom we work and live;
So many words heal and bless
Another’s hurt or loneliness.

A friendly smile, a glad hello
Can cheer someone who’s feeling low;
Or just a little thoughtful deed
Will help fulfill another’s need.

So many things that we can do
To help another’s day ring true;
So many ways to show we care –
Love should blossom everywhere.

Written by Kay Hoffman

Seriously, how true is this amazing message?! It’s a beautiful poem that rings so true! Any kind word, warm smile, friendly hello, loving gesture can brighten someone’s day and turn someone’s life around. So when you see a mother (or father) struggling with a screaming kid, offer them a helping hand instead of disgusted glares, adopt a furever friend at a shelter, hold doors for people, smile at strangers, make a true attempt to understand another person’s point of view or emotions, volunteer, help carry someone’s bags, buy someone a drink, genuinely compliment someone! There are an infinate amount of ways to make someone’s world a little or a lot brighter!

Why not be the one bringing light to that person struggling in the darkness? ❤

I also found a novel which I have just begun to read. As of right now, it's thoroughly entertaining. It's about a girl who is looking for a man and is unhappy that she is single and 32 years old. People keep nagging her about when she's going to get married and they won't just let her be. I think I know how it will end!

It's ok to be single at any age though. It's ok to want to be romantically tied but it should not interfere with general happiness and love of life itself. You don't need anyone to complete you. Fall in love with yourself and then romantic love may come your way soon! Or one day in the future. ❤

The book is called "Romantically Challenged" by Beth Orsoff.

I hope you all have a great day and appreciate the simple pleasures of life and being YOU! ❤

x0x0 Kim

It’s OK to Say NO!

May26

I love to help people whether or not I know them. I even help people I don’t like much. I don’t mind going out of my way for people even when I get nothing tangible or anything in return.   I help so much that I often put my own plans and desires on hold so other people come first. This happens more often than not.

Just the feeling of helping and knowing they are happy is enough for me. 

But there comes a point when people go overboard with their demands and requests. That point is when they take advantage because they see how much someone helps and never or almost never says “No”.

It’s great to sometimes put others before yourself and to say “YES!” to helping often but it’s NOT great to do this so frequently that you constantly put yourself out and are wearing yourself out to the point of physical and/or emotional exhaustion and it’s taking a toll on your body and self- esteem.

Lately I have been burdened by other people’s excessive requests for favors and demands to the extreme. People I never imagined would do this to me. Since I like these people and since I love to help people in general, I kept saying yes to their every request no matter how extreme and how frequent and how much it wore on me  and put me out.

My mom was angry and said this is completely wrong of them to keep asking and me to keep saying yes. I was constantly canceling and rearranging my own plans and putting my desires and needs on hold or completely abandoning them for other people’s wishes.

To do this sometimes is good! But to do this to the point of exhaustion and especially when the person or people asking non stop are clearly taking advantage and milking you for all you got just because in their heads they “Know” you’ll say yes is just going overboard and it’s uncalled for and detrimental. 

I believe it’s detrimental not only to the one doing all the excessive favors but even to those asking excessively. They need to be grounded, set-straight, “Put in their Place” if you will. They need to wake up and finally see that the world does not in fact, revolve around them and what they’re doing is wrong.

It’s just wrong to take advantage of somone’s caring and generous nature.

And on top of that I asked one of these people for one small favor which I rarely do and was told NO. So they know how to say no when they feel like.

And someone asking me constantly to put myself last has turned into a backstabber and needs to be told no once in a while.

Recently, I finally said “NO!” to someone. And my initial reaction was guilt and then regret. “I shouldn’t have said No.”. “Should I have said No?” “Why am I being Selfish?”. “This is so unlike Me.”. “I should have said Yes!”. “Maybe I should just go say Yes!” and on and on.

But my mom reminded me of all I have been doing for them. So much, my pain disorder began acting up and I still did more.

Then underneath the guilt and regret, I felt a sense of liberation and relief.   It’s my obligation to take care of myself and if saying no every now and then is caring for myself then that is what I have to do.

I will continue to help people often and sometimes put my plans off or cancel them for others. But I made a vow to myself to care for me as well, not just everyone else.

I don’t like when people are disappointed or angry and I definitely do not ever want to be the source of their pain but it’s not my job to wear myself out just to please people who purposely milk me for all I’m worth and turn into backstabbers.

No one is more important than anyone. No matter what.

If you want to say NO to someone who has been taking full advantage of your generosity and caring tendencies, say it! Scream it off the rooftops! Say NO! And if you want, don’t even explain.   Don’t even say sorry if you don’t feel like it.   Just a big NO will do. NO!

Say YES to yourself for once. And then make a habit of it.

As the saying goes, “People will treat you how you let Them.”. Not everyone takes advantage but those who do , pick up on how you are and how you react. They see how you usually are and then they base their treatment of you on that. So stand up for yourself. You’re worth it.

“That you may retain your self-respect, it is better
to displease the people by doing what you know is right,
than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”
– William J. H. Boetcker

“Perhaps the surest test of an individual’s integrity
is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect.”
– Thomas S. Monson

“Self-respect is often mistaken for arrogance
when in reality it is the opposite.
When we can recognize all our good qualities
as well as or faults with neutrality,
we can start to appreciate ourselves
as we would a dear friend
and experience the comfortable inner glow of respect.”
– Osho

“Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent.”
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

“When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.”
~Paolo Coehlo

Here’s to saying YES to yourself!!!

Xox0 Kim 😀

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It’s ok <3

May22

It’s ok to be powerful but gentle.
It’s ok to be shy but bold.
It’s ok to be loving but firm.
It’s ok to be giving but receptive.
It’s ok to be assertive and passive.
It’s ok to be strong but soft.
It’s ok to be expressive but reserved.
It’s ok to be outspoken.
It’s ok to be wild.
It’s ok to be joyful.
It’s ok to be sad.
It’s ok to be scared.
It’s ok to be wise but confused.
It’s ok to have setbacks.
It’s ok to fall.
It’s ok to get back up.
It’s ok to rest.
It’s ok to be loved.
It’s ok to do nothing for a while.
It’s ok to be adventurous but cautious.
It’s ok to be different.
It’s ok to stand out.
It’s ok to disagree.
It’s ok to grieve.
It’s ok to not know.
It’s ok to not completely understand.
It’s ok to be thin.
It’s ok to not be thin.
It’s ok to be hurt.
It’s ok to heal.
It’s ok to move on.
It’s ok to be imperfect.
It’s ok to fail.
It’s ok to succeed.
It’s ok to be tacky.
It’s ok to be youthful.
It’s ok to splurge on yourself every now and then.
It’s ok to skip a day of work just because you feel like it.
It’s ok to get bored.
It’s ok to be ungrateful sometimes.
It’s ok to want more.
It’s ok to want better.
It’s ok to love yourself.
It’s ok to forgive.
It’s ok to be angry.
It’s ok to be selfish sometimes.
It’s ok to curse.
It’s ok to be soft – spoken.
It’s ok to speak up.
It’s ok to know you deserve better.
It’s ok to ask for help.
It’s ok to not explain yourself.
It’s ok to accept yourself, flaws and all.
It’s ok to love even when it hurts.
It’s ok to cry.
It’s ok not to cry.
It’s ok to laugh.
It’s ok to be silly.
It’s ok to celebrate for no reason.
It’s ok to get dressed up just because.
It’s ok to buy yourself an expensive gift merely because you want it.
It’s ok to buy yourself flowers.
It’s ok to wear mismatching clothes.
It’s ok to be misunderstood.
It’s ok to be complicated.
It’s ok to be simple.
It’s ok to come alive.
It’s ok to get tired.
It’s ok to feel weak sometimes.
It’s ok to be happy.
It’s ok to be wonderful.
It’s ok to be beautiful.
It’s ok to be you.

It’s all ok.

Xox0 Kim 😀

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I Hope You Dance

Apr20

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. It’s a rainy Friday night here in Philadelphia which reminds me of a song by Peppers Ghost called “Friday Night in Philadelphia.” It’s a great song but I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere!

I guess maybe it isn’t very popular?

Anyway, the lyrics are something like this “….Friday night, rainy night in Philadelphia…”. I always love when it rains and when it’s raining on a Friday night? Well, that’s what’s up! Lol 😉

I just got home recently. I was at work all night. I also have another song on my heart tonight. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack.

I love, love, LOVE that sweet song. It’s so uplifting, beautiful, and just the sweetest. ❤

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance”

Every word of that song, every line, every little message conveyed through that song touches me deeply, inspires me greatly.

To me, one of the most poignant lines in that song is

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

As most people who know me and mostly anyone who has read some parts of this blog of mine know, I have struggled with severe depression since I was young.

Not for any one specific reason. It runs in my family and some environmental issues have brought it out in me when I was young.

But I made a choice some years ago to take my life back and take control of it.

Some days I still feel that depression, that darkness, that despair, slowly creeping up on me getting ready to pounce any second.

It’s hard to believe I haven’t been suicidal or even thought of it in a serious or semi-serious way in six months. That is truly unbelievable to me. In 13, THIRTEEN years I have NEVER gone for more than four months, and usually not even that long without at least a little suicidal thought sneaking up on me because a depressed mood would sink in even if brief. My depression has always lifted completely for weeks or months for as long as I had it since 13 years old but always came back, to some degree, sometimes for a few days or few months before going again. Sometimes I would not be depressed and have no suicidal thoughts for four months and think I never would again, then depression would hit for a couple days, with suicidal thoughts, then go again and I would be happy for some more months or weeks. But those couple hours or days made it so I couldn’t go straight through without it.

But now? SIX months!!! And it’s all because of me. Because of the work I made a choice to do for myself. Of course I have had much help along the way but I am the main one.

I may have explained this to some extent on here before that there are different degrees of feeling suicidal.

There’s the brief, fleeting thought that ends as quickly as it appears.

Then there’s the ones that linger for a while.

There’s contemplation which is often accompanied by ambivalence.

Then there’s serious contemplation.

Then there’s the plan where the mind is made up for sure.

Then there’s the urges, compulsions where it feels that it has to be done now. There’s no more contemplation or ambivalence or uncertainty. It’s like this is it, it will happen soon or now.

I have felt all of this at various different points and it’s not pleasant. And it’s not a choice.

Actions are usually a choice but the thoughts and feelings are not.

I have learned how to often detect an impending episode that is about to occur and prevent it before it does. I am usually successful with this now.

Today, Friday, I have felt sluggish, almost depressed, in pain, still grieving over the loss of my dog, Koko.

I think of happy memories of her and smile brightly but I still cannot yet bring myself to look at pictures of her. But today I accidentally saw one of me holding her in a Christmas stocking and smiling brightly, four years ago.

I smiled but the pain was so deep. And that added to my sluggish, painful state today. Work cheered me up though and so did the rain.

It’s ok to grieve and to always sense that loss. It’s healthy.

It’s part of living. Part of loving.

I felt true depression coming on and it was about to be the suicidal kind. I can’t say how I know. I just do. After fourteen years of depression, off & on, I just know these things although they cannot be explained. So so badly I wanted to just give in and succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts/contemplation. It was taking too much energy to not give in.

Then these lyrics came to my mind and hit me hard. Right in the gut. Right in the heart as if to say “Come to your senses!”. “Get a grip!”. “Stop this utter ridiculousness!”

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

I will not succumb. I will not give in. I will not give up.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger”

I will be satisfied with, fulfilled, and thankful for all I have but I will still be passionately driven to seek more of life, more knowledge, more opportunities to learn, to live, to love, to help….

I will never lose that hunger.

I will dance.

This song gives me chills.

And I want to dedicate it to everyone who may be struggling for any reason at all, anyone who is coming close to or considering giving up, and everyone who has that hunger and will never ever give up and will choose to dance. Always. ❤

When one door closes, never be afraid to open another.

😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

“That’s Just the Way I Am”

Apr14

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I’m currently reading a book called “Finding Joy” by Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D

 

I haven’t completed it yet but I can already tell it’s an amazing book!

 

Dr. Davis Kasl came up with this idea that is designed to help people to accept themselves just the way they are, flaws or perceived “flaws” and all. We all are going to have things we don’t like about ourselves and things other people do not like about us and that is ok. We don’t have to be considered perfect to ourselves or anyone else. We can be perfect in our own way.

 

Dr. Davis Kasl suggests that we choose some things about ourselves that we may consider to be less than perfect and say or write it out and after saying or writing it, put “That’s just the way I am” or “That’s just what I do sometimes” or “That’s just what is” after it.

Some examples in her book are: 

 

1.) “I get anxious filling out IRS forms. That’s just the way I am.”

2.) “I get scared and don’t stand up for myself. That’s just what I do sometimes.”

3.) “I wear a size 6 top and size 12 slacks. That’s just what is.”

4.) “Sometimes I interrupt. That’s just the way I am.”

 

(Page 30, “Finding Joy”, Charlotte Davis Kasl, ph.d)  

 

I believe that we should accept what/who we are even the “bad” things because we will be happier and more joyful that way. And anyway it’s impossible to be human and have absolutely no negative things about you.

 

This isn’t always easy but it is definitely possible and worth it! It’s ok and even good to make attempts to change certain things about ourselves for us for the better but even while we are working to change those things, it’s still possible and good to accept ourselves as we currently are while working to change certain aspects.

For example:

Someone who wants to lose weight for the better would benefit, in my opinion, while accepting her/his current body/weight/physique while attempting to change.

By “acceptance” I don’t mean necessarily “love”. I think we should think or say “This is how I currently am” or “This is how it currently is” and “that’s ok” and try not to feel resentment or anger for ourselves.  

 

There’s really nothing you can do right this second about how you are. If it can be changed it will probably take a while and some work. If it can’t be changed ever it will do you good to embrace or at least accept it.

Focus on the positive aspects about yourself that you like and cherish those while working on what you feel can be better.

It’s ok not to be 100% perfect in everyone’s eyes and even to our own selves.

My view is that in general, things should only be changed about a person if it’s better for that person and is a positive change. So a girl (or anyone) who wants to lose weight, in my opinion, should only do that if it’s healthy for her and what she truly wants for herself and not because of what others or society as a whole or anyone else thinks.

There have been things about myself that I thought is ok but I cared what other people thought and wanted to change it for them, not me.

Ex: My nail polish gets chipped a lot and looks unattractive even to me but I don’t have a serious problem with it. I would prefer to have lovely nails that aren’t all chipped but if they are oh well I will get around to changing them eventually.

But I recently saw people making extremely insulting comments on Facebook on a picture of a girl with chipped nail polish and saying she should constantly keep up on her nails and destructively criticizing her for not doing so. They seriously are acting like this triviality reflects who she is as a whole person. That’s quite a stretch if you ask me.

 

On some occasions I have looked at my terrible looking chipped nail polish and thought to myself “What would those people think of my nails like this if they saw?”

But I realized it’s not important to me what they think of MY nails! They should attend to their OWN and forget anyone else’s. It just seems so absolutely trivial.

I love fixing up my nails when I’m in the mood but I won’t make it an obsessed top priority because of what other people think!

Also, I have chicken legs. I did ever since I was a little girl. They are very thin like my dad’s. I also have extremely thin arms.

My mom always jokes in a playful way about my thin arms and chicken legs. I always found it amusing.

It’s mostly only noticeable when I’m wearing shorts (which I only wear to sleep in) or dress/skirt (which I hardly ever wear) though, not when they’re covered in pants.

I don’t have a problem with them. I haven’t struggled with my body image since I was seventeen years old.

But recently on Facebook I saw a pic of a girl about the same size as me with thin arms and legs and people were calling her “gross” and “disgusting”. I’m not underweight or malnourished at all and neither is she in that pic. And I don’t have a completely flat stomach.

And I started to think “Wow if they saw me they would think I’m disgusting.” I can just imagine the comments they would say about me!

And the truth is I let it get to me for a while. But I won’t obsess over it at all.

It’s definitely ok and even necessary to a certain extent to care what people think of us about some things. We’re not robots or whatever!

It’s good to a certain point to have emotional reactions to others. Good & bad. It’s unrealistic to expect us to never ever care. We need connections and to be healthy, I believe we should be affected by others.

Just not overly negatively affected to the point that we care more about what other people think than being true to ourselves.

We shouldn’t care so much that we change ourselves for them or care so much that we constantly obsess day & night!

That is unhealthy.

 

Here are some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!! Lol!

😀

 

1.) I’m overly empathetic and often have the tendency to let other people’s/animal’s problems & pain overwhelm me even if I don’t know those people/animals. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

I often feel that this means I’m very weak. And then I start to think very low of myself about it. I want to care for all living/sentient beings but I want to have barriers to protect myself against exhaustion over it. But this is me!

 

2.). Sometimes I do care more than I should about what other people think about certain things about me. “That’s just what I do sometimes.”

 

3.) I have the tendency to sometimes feel that my worth is dependent upon people & things outside of myself such as how many friends I have, how many people like me, how many accomplishments I have achieved…. “That’s just the way I am, sometimes.”

 

I am not as bad with this as I used to be but I must admit that I still do struggle, on occasion, with feelings of extreme worthlessness.

 

I know I create my own worth and purpose but occasionally it’s hard not to fall into a negative trap.

 

4.) I have the tendency sometimes to struggle with feelings of extreme worthlessness and feel that I’m different than most people in some ways that are not good or that other people may think are not good. And then I feel extreme loneliness and excluded. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

I have mentioned before about how I am a very simple kind of girl. I’m not talking about boring or shallow with no depth but I’m very happy and content with simple things, usually. That’s actually a good thing but sometimes I think it may not be socially considered so good. Sometimes laying in bed all day with my dog on a rainy day brings me just as much of a thrill as some people would probably get going on a big extravagant vacation! Lol

 

5.) People tell me I need to get a backbone because I tend to feel guilt at just the thought of coming back at people who say/do something negative to me. Sometimes I do get revenge and I usually feel guilty and sorry either instantly or later because deep inside I really don’t like causing pain or anger for people, even ones who do that for other people. People see it as a weakness. “That’s just the way I am”.

 

6.). I do like horror movies but they affect me more than they should. I’m not one of those jumpy, scared people that feel fear all throughout the movie and then at night when I’m in bed! Lol. But because of my excessive empathy, I feel pain, both physical & emotional when I see the characters feeling pain in the movie. I know it’s not real but it seems soo so real! I also feel empathy for the actors because I know they have to be feeling stress, maybe even emotional pain to some degree while making the movies. I know they chose that job but even self inflicted pain is still pain and worthy, in my opinion, of empathy and compassion!

 

7.) I have no special talents or creative abilities! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

8.) I procrastinate like crazy! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

9.) I am extremely disorganized and the more organized I attempt to become, the more disorganized I am! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

10.) I like to wear low-cut shirts and tight clothes. For me, not to attract negative attention or get lots of men. People think it’s trashy. 

But I like it because I like the way I look and feel in it. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

11.) I don’t like when people think something negative about me that is not true. So, often, if someone accuses me of something negative that is not true, I feel the need to drag out a conversation/argument until I feel I got my point across. If someone misunderstands what I’m saying or wants to stop talking before I feel I got my point across I try to drag it out for a while. My mom and sister cannot stand this and they claim that I do this merely to cause trouble and for the sake of arguing. They call it harassment. Then I feel the need to drag that out!

Lol! “That’s just how it is.”

 

I really don’t do this just to argue or be negative! :-). My sister and mom are similar in ways that I am not. When they don’t understand something or are stressed or frustrated they want to quit trying to understand and not talk about it. This drives me bananas! Imagine someone accusing you of something negative then you can’t even defend yourself and get called harassing!! >:-O

 

 

12.) I’m horrible at math. Even simple basic stuff. In college I got put in the math for dummies class because my exam scores were sooo loooww! Lol! We were doing elementary school math!

:-O

  “That’s just the way it is.”

 

13.) I am very easily amused and laugh uncontrollably even sometimes during inappropriate situations such as when someone trips or spills something. It may be annoying, possibly immature, and it makes people, especially my mom, mad! But “That’s just the way I am!”. “So sue me!” Lol! ;-D

 

I also laugh out loud uncontrollably in movie theatres at scenes where no one else is laughing, not sad scenes but stupid ones. And when there is a hilarious scene where everyone is laughing hysterically, I’m the one still laughing long after everyone else has stopped. Kind of embarrassing!

That “American Reunion” movie & “What Happens in Vegas” practically had me on the floor lmao!!! :-p

 

14.). I’m kind of the biggest pig and have to have the largest of everything when I buy food or drinks out somewhere. My mom says I eat “like there’s no tomorrow.”. Lol “that’s just the way I am”.

 

So there’s a list of some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!

 

This is not to encourage people to settle for less or to be less when we can be more. It’s to show that it’s ok to not be perfect and it’s possible and great to accept yourself the way you are, flaws and all, even if you intend to change eventually, for the better.

You’re not a “loser”, “freak”, or “worthless” just because you have a few quirks, flaws, or negative qualities.  

You are not a horrible person for your less desirable traits or habits! 🙂

I read another book before which I do not remember the name or author but the author mentioned that whenever she did something or possessed a quality she or someone else did not like she would say “So sue me!”. 

“I made a mistake, so sue me!”. Lol that gave me a chuckle!!

 

I love the feeling I got reading and doing this exercise.

I recommend it and encourage everyone to give it a try. You can list yours on your blog, in a journal, or just make a mental list but I definitely think it’s a great idea!!

 

❤ 😀

 

I hope you’re all having a beautiful day! 🙂

 

X0xo Kim ❤ 

Serendipity <3

Jan25

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         I often hear people speak of technology dependence and write about it and how technology actually controls us instead of us controlling it. Some people have a true and serious problem either bordering on addiction or actually being a full-blown technology addiction of some sort that may require professional treatment.

      But even many of us who do not have actual addiction still have some degree of emotional dependence on or attachment to it.  

      I never wanted to admit that about myself. I wanted to believe and claim that I just love it and use it because it’s there and it’s so helpful, fun, and just amazing. I wanted to tell myself and everyone else that I would be perfectly ok without it for a while, I would miss it and mourn it to some degree but that’s all. 

    Then one day recently I had a rude awakening. My dad drove me to work and I got out to open and I left all of my most cherished possessions in his car. My phone, my books, my bag, my iced coffee… I told him I would be right back for them, he said ok, and that quickly he forgot and drove off taking all of my stuff with him.

      All my stuff- gone. My initial emotional reaction was anger. “How could he have been SO STUPID?!!?”. “How can he do this to me??!!”. “WTF?!”. Then came the fear, then the shock, then panic, then grief and mourning. Trembling hands and even chills. Then a kind of sickness dwelling in my chest. I always knew my books and my phone are a significant part of my life. But at this moment I realized just how much a part of me they are. How intertwined I am with them. My phone goes everywhere I go and so do my books. Sometimes I hold them even when I’m not currently using them. Even when I cannot pay my phone bill and my phone service is temporarily discontinued I still have my memos, my music, my pictures, everything else and I know it will eventually be back on. I never even really got my phone for the phone part or text part anyway. I wanted it for the handheld internet and other aspects of it. I don’t literally use my phone every waking second but I know it’s at my fingertips whenever I want it.

      But that day at work my phone was gone. All of my writings, my passwords, my quotes, my songs, and pictures, my books, and I had no way of contacting my dad because I don’t know his number, it’s in my phone contacts, and he lost his phone recently.

      I was sorry all of that stuff was gone but it wasn’t just about that. It’s something that runs deeper than that. I couldn’t pick up my phone or my books when I wanted and the thought of that frightened me. It was unusual, outside my comfort zone. For a few hours at least I was going to have to live outside my comfort zone, the life I knew before and move into a new zone I am not used to. I don’t always have a problem adjusting to change, especially when it’s positive change but this revelation was shocking at first! I was going out of my head, headed for an emotional meltdown. 

   Thoughts raced through my head. “What if I literally go insane?”. “What if I get bored out of my mind if it’s slow today even though I don’t usually get bored?”. “What if I have an amazing idea and cannot write it into my phone?”. “What if I cannot handle just not having the stuff that is constantly with me?”

      Anyone would be disappointed, to say the least, about their stuff being missing and not having all of their info. Anymore. But these thoughts and reactions I was experiencing, to me, seem like signs of a somewhat unhealthy habit or emotional dependence, maybe a kind of insecurity. As soon as the thought of emotional dependence and insecurity crept into my head, I lied to myself right away. I told myself I was just afraid someone would break my dad’s window and steal my stuff. And I would be disappointed, that’s all. 

   I told myself I was disappointed, just a little bit unhappy about the whole thing, that’s all. I did not want to admit it but there was no getting around the truth. It was beyond disappointment. It was beyond mere unhappiness. It was a nightmare. I have been unconsciously viewing certain inanimate objects of mine, such as my phone, as an extension of myself. “Not just my phone, part of ME!!”. Partially because all my writings and helpful quotes are on there. I admitted it. Hard as it was. But they are not me. I am me. I am whole without my phone, even without my writings. To lose that is painful but I will survive.  

      This experience introduced me more intimately to a deeper part of myself. I realized I had unhealthy habits that were scary and I was able to admit that after a while and be strong and am able to overcome. To prevail.

      I don’t have a severe, full-blown addiction like some people so for me it was easier to handle and overcome it. Not everyone can do this without some sort of help.

      I realized I have to examine myself more to see what I am too attached to, what I am viewing as extensions of me that are in fact, not me but external objects of mine.

      I realized so much of me revolves around objects that can easily be lost. I use my phone to write my ideas and share them with people. To store pass words and info that connects me with people. I use my books to read and to better myself. But I can and will be ok, even amazing without my stuff. That’s all it is. Stuff.  

      I can come up with more great ideas even though the ones I may lose are irreplaceable. My brain can generate more greatness. Phones and books can be replaced, they can help but they are not required. And I don’t need them to live. To breathe. To be.

      There are moments I will want to and be so tempted to lie to myself about scary and unpleasant aspects of myself. But I must resist that urge and be truthful and admit so I can work on those potentially detrimental parts of me.

      I must accept, change, and heal. This I can do. This I will do. I will continue to use my stuff and love it but I will control it and my thoughts. It will not control me. This experience taught me to look even deeper within me and observe, analyze, and admit parts of myself that I may deny or neglect. I am grateful for this awakening. It brought me closer to me. Quickly made me stronger when I came to realize I am all I need.

      The only one, the only thing I can count on to make me whole and always be with me is myself and I am enough.

 

   Also this experience pushed me outside of my routine ways. At work when I’m not busy, I usually read my own books and use my phone. But because that stuff wasn’t there then, I decided to explore the books and magazines my manager has there. I found really great stuff! In one magazine I found:

Love Letters Cares

http://loveletterscares.org/#2822

 

An organization that gives people the opportunity to make positive, uplifting, and inspirational cards for kids with life-threatening illnesses. I’m so happy I found this and I will make cards. Every kid deserves an uplifting card to make him/her happy and show someone cares!

      This taught me to go out of my way more to try new things. I love trying new things and learning new things but I don’t always go out of my way as much to actually look for opportunities to find something new. I often just take the chance when I see it but I will be searching more now to see what I can find! I love it when a seemingly negative experience turns out to be a beautiful thing!

❤

Xox0 Kim ❤ 🙂 😀

 

 

P.S. I got all my stuff back at the end of my work shift! It was still a great day without it!