Tag Archive | acceptance

Love & Compassion <3

Nov22

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(this is not my photo..)

I agree, I don’t eat meat or wear fur or support killing animals for food, clothing, or sport and don’t support animal testing and I do not kill any insects or rodents intentionally, I cherish their lives, but I also do not support violence or hostility against people who don’t agree with me on this and don’t think “less” of them, I’m in no position to. There’s no doubt in my mind that many/most people who consume meat products are just as compassionate as I am. There’s nothing wrong with stating my views to people in appropriate contexts/situations, writing about them, signing/sharing things to help end animal cruelty and other things involving animals but I don’t have to be in people’s faces with it every chance I get, and criticize them in a destructive way. I don’t have to act like my morals are better than anyone else’s. I don’t freak out if people eat meat around me or anything. I won’t throw stuff on your fur clothing or destroy science labs and scientists’ vehicles and other property.
I can be firm in my views, confident, and passionate but still accept others, no matter what our differences are. Some people think if we’re very passionate about some specific issue and someone is on the opposing side, we can’t be compatible with one another without compromising/weakening our own views or passion or morals. When I was young I felt this way about certain issues but as I grew up and practice universal love more and more, deeper and deeper, I now know that’s not true. My greatest passion is love and compassion, all encompassing love. I won’t reject someone as a friend/lover/acquaintance….because we disagree. Also, “attacking” individual meateaters accomplishes nothing good or very little; it’s the corporations and government and people with more authority that would likely be best to contact. And individual people likely aren’t going to want to listen to us if we are going to be vicious, who wants to listen to someone who approaches us with hostility? And the main thing is to extend my compassion to everyone, whether or not we are in agreement or will ever be, on issues I am passionate about and whether or not that compassion is returned to me.
“Be love. Be so much love that when others are with you, they are love too.”
“The power of love has no limits.”

Love & Compassion – Parachute Club – mobile

Love & Compassion – desktop

❤ 😀

Hugs & love,

xoxo Kim

Me, Me, Me, Mine, Mine, Mine

Nov21

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“The ideas of ‘me’ and ‘mine’ are the seeds of every problem in the world.”

This quote is out of the Kindle book “365 Wisdom Pills.”

It’s true, it’s so ingrained into us to think in terms of “me” and “mine” and “me,” “us” and “them.” 

It’s good to once in a while let the self dissolve into the Oneness. Realize we are a small part of a much larger Whole, the whole uni-verse. The world doesn’t revolve around me. I am not the most important aspect of life. Others have desires, opinions, convictions just as strong as mine. Life will not always work how I want it to.

Let’s give selflessness a try, let others go first, try to understand other views, ways, and accept diversity. It’s good to remember others feel just as strongly as we do and experience in similar ways. 

This is a great concept to think about!  

❤ 😀

Hugs & love, 

Xoxo Kim 

November 19th

Nov19

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“Life goes on
no one gets rehearsal
life goes on
through everyday reversal 
with every dawn everyday is full of chances 
to find some good before it’s gone…” 

Today and tonight is very rainy. On my way to Buddhist class in Center City, I looked up at the tall buildings through the rain and saw people in one of the upper floors sitting around at a meeting! Lol Anyone else probably would have found it not important or thought nothing of it but I just loved seeing it. I saw three men in what appeared to be business suits.  There were probably more who I couldn’t see. None of the men I saw have hair. 

It looked important. 

Lol  

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This isn’t the building, these are different, similar ones.

I love hearing and seeing people in the distance. And I love the sounds of laughter and talking and construction work, it just provokes a feeling of connection and Oneness in me, I love the life all around. 

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The meeting in the building I saw through the window brought back a memory of a day in 9th grade when a girl in class had some speaker thing and either it called people or she hooked it up to her phone and called random people and we all heard it through the speaker. She did not know any of the people she called, it was just random numbers. A man answered one of the calls and he sounded distraught, almost panicked and said he’ll have to call her back, he was in an important meeting at City Hall. She kept telling him it’s important to talk to her right now. He did not realize it was a high school girl just messing around. Lol All the kids were laughing and so was the teacher. 

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His meeting probably looked a little like the one I briefly witnessed way up on that top floor tonight. 

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In class tonight, the monk reminded us to remember that everything is impermanent, the seasons, relationships, our problems, everything we love, our physical traits, our life….so cherish all that we have but be prepared to lose it. Depending upon how we think about it, this can be inspiring or gloomy. Remember to bask in the beauty of all we have and not put too much into problems or pain or negativity, it will all end soon enough.

I found the lecture and meditation to be inspiring and soothing and sad. I thought of my coworker, Diane, who died in February. I was very close to her and I don’t always cope with her death well. And I thought of those I will likely lose later, animals and humans. It was soothing to hear our teacher remind us that loss is just part of life, just the way it goes and it doesn’t have to destroy us. He used an analogy of staying at a luxurious hotel for a few days and having to leave it. We don’t break down over having to leave the beautiful room and bath and breakfast in bed and king sized bed and incredible view and room service and all because we knew all along it would end. It was never ours to keep. We were prepared to have it end. It’s like our life now. It was never ours to keep, the relationships we have aren’t meant to last forever. The very nature of life is change. If we just prepare ourself for it to end, like the way we know vacations end, we will be great. We are travelers just passing through life. 

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We were also reminded that the most important things are love, wisdom, and inner peace, not material things like money and jewelry.

The monk used another analogy of receiving a big expensive diamond then soon after, being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Would we even care about the diamond now next to something like that? We can have expensive things, pretty things, and still be miserable or still be sick, and still die. And we can have a terminal illness, experience a devastating loss, be very old, and still be happy and at peace.

It’s all about our attitude and what we focus on. 

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When we focus on the good and focus on our breath for a few minutes, we can experience inner calmness. When we meditate upon the concept of death and loss, it can at first seem gloomy, negative, uncomfortable, terrible, but eventually it can bring us to peace and lessen our anxiety about it.  

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It was a good class! Very helpful!

Last night was my little sister’s 19th b-day so my family took her bowling! It was a lot of fun! I got 2nd place! My mom got the lowest score and my dad and sister got the same score.

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Here are a couple pictures:

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The people before us left this score sheet.

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Lol

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I’m the only one of us usually who likes to get my picture taken. Lol 

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This is my boys and me. They are just the sweetest things! ❤

Emmy is the little daddy on my shoulder and Woody is his baby looking up at me. They get so jealous of each other and both want all the attention. Lol It's so cute!!

Here is a sweet song relevant to the topic of impermanence and appreciating the good while accepting the bad and the uncertainty.

“You’ll never know which way a day is gonna take you
there’s always some surprise that comes along to shake you
you’ll never see exactly where the road will lead you
and when it comes to love you gamble when you need to
you’ll maybe break your heart on one unlucky throw
but then again, you’ll never know”

You’ll Never Know – Ringo Starr – mobile

You’ll Never Know – desktop

Much love to you!! ❤

😀

xoxo Kim

Love Isn’t Blind

Nov3

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“Love, it is said, is blind, but love is not blind. It is an extra eye, which shows us what is most worthy of regard. To see the best is to see most clearly, and it is the lover’s privilege.” ~J.M. Barrie

This is a great concept which can apply to romantic love or life in general. We can focus on what is “worthy of regard” and accept and forget the rest. Everyone and life itself is made up of good and bad or the potential for good and bad. Love in our essence let’s us see the good through the not so good. There are and will be things we do not like and things we love. Let’s focus on what we love! ❤

😀

Lots of Love & hugs to you!!

xoxo Kim

Go With the Flow

Oct24

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(meee! <3)

I was waiting for my good friend, Mike, earlier, we were going to get some Vegan pizza! yum! :-p

And this quote appeared in my e-mail box!

“Experience life in all possible ways — good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter. Experience all the dualities. Don’t be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more mature you become.” ~Osho

I love it! Sometimes it’s so tempting to resist or deny or repress painful emotions but that just makes it worse. When we embeace them, accept them, sit with them, we can heal them and deepen our wisdom & empathy. If we experience them too often, it’s a good idea to seek to change this, but just about everyone experiences unpleasant emotions now & then. And that’s ok!

Sometimes it can even be tempting to resist positive emotions, maybe out of fear of losing them later or out of a feeling of not deserving happiness or joy, for whatever reason. But in my opinion, there’s no “deserving” or “not deserving”, it’s just what is. Emotions, positive or unpleasant, come and go and it’s good to accept them as they are.

What a great reminder!

http://www.enlightenedbeings.com/

The link above is the place where I get the e-mails full of inspiring ideas such as this!

❤

Lots of love to you!!

😀

xoxo Kim ❤

Some Sunday inspiration for you {photos, quotes, and other goodies}

Oct11

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Here is a list of inspiring/thought-provoking/lovie quotes and some of my pictures! 

“We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want”

We can do and be anything on the outside but always keep that emptiness within, reserve a place inside to be love, light, bliss…

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“Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision.” ~ Hsi Tang

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“To seek is to suffer. To seek nothing is bliss.” ~ Bodhidharma

This is a very wise concept. It’s good to have goals and desires but it’s also good to let go once in a while and just be. Be without getting attached to goals, people, places, situations, things…

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“Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you.”

“The highest state of love is not a relationship at all, it is simply a state of your being.” ~ Osho

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“Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled.” ~ Ray Bradbury

Yes, let go, disown, accept, BE.

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” ~ Dalai Lama

This is a good one if you’re stuck being around people acting negatively. We can’t always surround our selves with only positive people and sometimes have to interact with or be near people with negative energy and vicious intentions or just bitter, miserable seeming people. But we do not have to let them destroy our INNER peace. I can be whatever I want inside no matter what is going on around me. No one can drag us down if we don’t allow it. Our environment can be chaotic, negative, even abusive but we can remain calm and positive within. True peace isn’t necessarily a peaceful external environment. True peace is being calm and undisturbed INSIDE, whatever our outside is like. 

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“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.”

Yessir!!

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“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” ~ Zen proverb 

When we open up and become receptive, we will see teachers everywhere, in the form of people, situations, things, encounters….
They are always around, we just aren’t always ready to receive. 

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I love how in these pictures it look like a gray sky kind of day but the sky was really quite blue that day! It was so bright blue with big fluffy clouds looking all pretty! I was amazed at the beauty and size of the clouds and took the pictures in a way so only the clouds can be seen around the trees.

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Look closely, you’ll see the blue shining through! This is the same day and so are the ones above these three pics! All blue skies!! 😀

“Flow with whatever may happen
And let your mind be free.
Stay centered by accepting whatever 
You are doing.
This is the ultimate.” 

We can try to help things when we can but when we can’t, it’s good to accept, just breathe and be and go with the flow.

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Seatbelts save lives so buckle up, buttercup!

And it may save you a traffic ticket or whatever. I couldn’t care less if you get a ticket though, (you deserve one if you aren’t wearing a safety belt anyway) it’s your life and safety I care about.

Even if I don’t know you, I want you to be safe and LIVE! ❤ ❤ ❤

“Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to first let go of the idea that there is a problem.”

It’s all about that attitude!

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“Surrender to what is.”

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“For sentient beings, poor and destitute, May I become a treasure ever plentiful, And lie before them closely in their reach, A varied source of all that they might need.” ~ Shantideva 

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“What we learned as children, that one plus one equals two, we know to be false. One plus one equals one. We even have a word for when you, plus another, equals one, That word is LOVE.”

How cheesy! Lol But cute! You know I love my sap!

❤

“If with kindly generosity one merely has the wish to soothe the aching heads of other beings, such merit has no bounds.” ~ Shantideva

I know people often say actions speak louder than words and it doesn't matter what we feel or think if we don't act, and in some cases it seems true but I also think that just what we are, what we wish for, our energy…is important. 
We can't always act on what we feel or want and we sometimes, for whatever reason, may just choose not to, but that doesn't take away what we are or want. Just being, is often enough. Well wishes for others is sometimes enough even when we don't express them. What if I see someone suffering and want more than anything to stop it, even if I have to put all the pain on me and bear the burden myself, but for some reason I can't or won't take action or take action but it doesn't work, at least I still have the wish and desire to stop it which is better than not caring or even wanting to add to the pain. What if I see someone on TV suffering or hear of a tragic war in another country and can't do shit about it, that doesn't obliterate my love and compassion. They count for something! And when we feel compassion, we are often more likely to act in compassionate ways. 

“Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.” ~ Markus Zusak 

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“Courage to the fearful,
Freedom to the enslaved,
Strength to the weak,
Mutual affection 
To all sentient beings.” ~ Shantideva sentiment

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This thing, it’s superdelicious!!!!! A caramel apple with chocolate and peanut topping!! oh, my! I have been eating them everyday!! so yummy! The red apples are sweeter, jucier, and tastier than the green! mouthwatering!! ❤ 😀 Delectable! One of my favorite things about Fall!

“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.”

Thank you, Bill ( https://worldstrata.wordpress.com/ ), for sharing this one with me!!

“How wonderful will it be when All beings experience each other as limbs on the One body of life.” ~ Shantideva 

WE are all in this together!  

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This is my baby, my friend today! These things are so cute! I never share their pics on facebook because I don’t think most people feel the affection for them I do and while going through their news feed and seeing this, their heart will probably skip a few beats and not in a good way! I don’t think it’s as startling to see pics here of them, they are smaller pictures here, I think and it’s not like one individual picture just in your face. If i’m wrong and you are freaked out, sorry. I just have so much love for kreepy krawlies, no one can imagine or understand. And I want to capture and share their beauty & cuteness. I’m so thankful for their lives. ❤ I will save them every chance i get. 😀

And since I'm in the Halloween spirit, here's Michael Jackson's Thriller for you!

Thriller – mobile

Thriller – desktop

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“You hear the door slam
And realize there’s nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand
And wonder if you’ll ever see the sun
You close your eyes
And hope that this is just imagination
But all the while
You hear a creature creepin’ up behind
You’re outta time
‘Cause this is thriller
Thriller night”

Much0 luv to you! ❤

😀

Xoxo Kim 

😀

Xoxo Kim 

Embracing the Light

Sep28

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“‘What does light talk about?’ I asked a plant that once, it said ‘I am not sure but it makes me grow.'”

(I saw this quote attributed to st. Thomas Aquinas but I’m not sure if that is accurate.) 

What a beautiful quote! I don’t know in which context it is truly meant to be or what the nature is but this is my interpretation. It reminds me that we don’t always have to know the answers to everything, we don’t have to know why or what or every detail about how something works, we can just take it for what it is, accept the beauty and blessings it bestows upon us.  Accept what is. Avoid over analyzing. 

It’s ok to wonder, research, ask questions…but it’s also ok to just accept and go with the flow, letting go of negative stress and without being hung up on little details.  

We don’t have to analyze everything and draw implications. 

I’m currently reading a novel which I already read more than half of, called “The Last of Her Kind” by Sigrid Nunez. It’s a masterpiece. So incredibly realistic, written kind of like a memoir. I cannot believe the narrator is fake. Lol I have to keep checking the book cover again to make sure it really does say “novel.” 
This just goes to show what a brilliant writer this author is! She can make up an entire person and become her. 

It’s about this lady’s life and how her best friend in college, who she had a falling out with, still has an incredible impact on her, years after their friendship ended. It takes place in the 60’s-80’s. The two girls were roommates and became best friends then a few years later they had a big argument and never talked to each other again. Then years after that the friend of the narrator was convicted of a violent criminal act. This comes as a shock to the woman telling the story and even though they had a serious falling out and haven’t spoken to one another in years, the woman still feels a sense of loyalty to and caring for her former best girl. This girl was and in some way, still is, a significant part of her. 

Anyway, a line in the book is relevant to my post here so I will share. Coincidentally, I had this post planned to write then the same night, last night, I read this line:

“Back in my chair, following an urge I felt no need to examine, I began to write what seemed to be a letter but was addressed to no one in particular.” (pp.254)

(caution & mini spoiler here: This book has a rape scene beginning on page 79, spanning two pages, ending on page 81, I don’t want someone who has experienced any kind of trauma or with any sort of post traumatic stress to read this without warning, it can be a serious trigger for some, in case you want to skip those pages if you’re planning on reading the book – spoiler…the narrator is raped while she’s alone in a park, by a stranger, when she’s about 18 years old, so you can skip the details but still know that part of her story. She’s an adult now, telling us of her days in college and leading up to now)

So, I love the message this quote and the line in the novel seem to convey. If you have an urge to do something (not dangerous), it’s ok if you don’t know why, just go for it! Pick up your pen and write, go for a run, pick up the book you feel drawn to, go to school or takes classes, try something new, resume an old hobby, whatever you feel called to do. 

If someone goes above and beyond for us, we don’t have to understand why, we can just accept and be thankful for the kindness. 

This plant doesn’t know much about light but s/he knows it gives her the gift of life.

And Light doesn’t care about being understood or getting anything in return. It just wants to nourish someone. 

How sweet! 

❤

I just love these abstract Zen-like quotes! They aren't even meant to be analyzed or understood intellectually, yet I sit here and analyze and write about my interpretations and often have so much to say. Isn't it ironic?

Lol Well, it's ok to try to understand them intellectually and also just feel them and let them be.

If you have any abstract, weird, Taoist, Zen, mysterious… quotes, you can let me know! Thank You!  😀

Much love to you!

❤

Xoxo Kim 😀

A Beautiful Smile is Always in Style

Sep24

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“I saw you smile
And my mind could not erase the beauty of your face” ~ Richard Marx

Look at this! 

I’m not the political junkie I used to be and don’t write/talk much about politics anymore. I still find it interesting and it’s definitely important. Also, I’m not secretive about my views. If it comes up or whatever, I will gladly state whatever religious or political views I hold. Even knowing people may be offended. No matter what view we have, someone somewhere will be offended. Even if it’s the most loving opinion and even when it’s stated calmly.

But anyway I’m sharing this picture not for politics but the beauty of their faces so happy and laughing together. 

😀

That’s the Catholic pope in the pic with our (U.S.) president. And he looks so beautiful as well. I’m not Catholic(although my mom insists that I am). And I’m not completely politically Liberal. But this picture warms my heart. They look so genuinely happy and sharing a feeling of togetherness.  

I’m not sharing this pic because of who they are as president and pope but for the beauty of it. I love to see them smile. ❤ 😀 

So cute! 

We need more & more genuine laughter & smiles in the world and this brings beams of sunlight into the world.

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Another smile for you! 😀

For a moment, let’s forget all the disagreements, hostility, politics, arguments, debates…and bask in the beauty of smiles, love, & laughter.

❤

And like I said, I don't agree with all their views but I love that this Catholic man seems so accepting and loving. He is against animosity for lgbtq people. Also, he supports forgiveness/understanding for abortion, divorce, and criminal activity. 

He is against abortion and criminal activity but he promotes love for girls who have abortions, abortion doctors, and criminals. I agree with him that they deserve love & compassion, not hostility, contempt, and cruelty even if we don't agree with their decisions. Everyone does something that someone else does not like.

They as the people they are, deserve only love, not negative judgment even if we insist on judging their actions. 

We can not like everything someone does but still love & accept the person as a whole. ❤

There's all kinds of stuff we can critiscize the two men above (and everyone!) for and that's ok. But there's also much good we can see in them. And that's even better!

😀

Smile loves!

Lots of love to you. ❤

xoxo Kim

If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going

Sep19

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“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”~ Khalil Gibran

For the last couple of weeks I have been experiencing “ice pick” headaches, which are beyond excruciating. These aren’t the same as the cluster-like headaches I sometimes write about. My cluster-like headaches, which are a result of my chronic pain disorder, last much, much longer than “ice pick” headaches(sometimes cluster headaches are referred to as “ice pick” headaches, they have similar symptoms), also a result of this dreadful but non life threatening disorder. 

Ice pick headaches last, literally, only a few seconds. But the pain is unbearable or would be if the duration were longer. The pain level is almost to the same excruciating level as my cluster-like headaches are. I call them “cluster-like” because I don’t have Cluster Headache (CH) that I know of but I have a different pain disorder that triggers similar headaches. The ice pick ones don’t feel as much like a burning sensation as the cluster ones.

These ice pick headaches I have been experiencing off and on, I think every single day now for like two weeks, make it feel like someone is slicing through the back of my head with something (probably why they are called what they are called). This isn’t metaphorical/poetic speaking/writing or whatever; it literally feels like an assault on my body.

I don’t even like using the word “literally” much because it has become a trend to use it so loosely or unnecessarily, when things aren’t actually/literally “literal” that it seems, to me, to have lost its meaning or seriousness or its literal-ness. Or something like that. 

Many people have developed the habit now of saying/writing things like “I literally spilled my coffee on me today!” “I literally missed the bus!” “I literally can’t live without this new drink I discovered!” “I’m literally going to dye my hair today!” “I literally just can’t even!” lol

I’m so thankful for the word “literally.” The saying “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” applies here. I can’t say that about everything I have/had. Many things I do know what I have/had before it’s gone but I never realized what an incredible purpose the word “literally” serves (or served) until people started overusing it. Sometimes I’m so frustrated because I can’t seem to get my point across about my pain or convey the true agony or depth of it. And the word “literally” has often saved me, helped it feel that I am in fact getting most of my experience to be understood. “My head literally feels like it’s splitting” or “I feel that it can literally kill me.” 

But now the poor word has lost its weight, its ability to be taken seriously and with it goes my sense that I’m getting my true experience out there. 

So thanks to all those who “literally” cannot live without coffee and “literally” flew to the bus this morning and still missed it and “literally” jumped out of your skin when something scared you silly, and “literally just can’t even.” Now “literally” and me have lost our voice. Lol Jk I’m not really resentful, I’m actually quite amused. But it’s true that when we use a word so much and out of place or so loosely, it tends to seem to lose its original message. Some words change or have additional definitions after a while and that’s ok. But come on! This isn’t even the case here! This word is being tossed around in a completely nonsensical way. oh, well.

But these ice pick assaults feel as if my head is truly splitting. And it’s like bolts of electricity searing through my face, head, eye, temple without warning. They come on out of nowhere.

I don’t have them frequently each day but they are becoming more frequent, hopefully only temporarily . They are not as traumatic as the cluster-like ones but nearly as painful. Every day now I have them usually on two occasions, usually later in the day, like early evening then again later at night. And on each occasion, I experience usually two or three, one right after the other. Like bolts of electricity or invisible bullets piercing my temple and eyeball and like something sharp plunging into my head, on the top and in the back on one side, the right side. After the barbaric attack ends, I feel physically weak. Sometimes hot or dizzy, and sometimes I have an urge to sob.  

When they end I feel like I can pass out and often sit to rest a couple minutes and during the seconds they occur, I feel as if the pain itself can physically kill me. If I did not have the pain disorder or wasn’t diagnosed, I would seriously think I’m dying. I would be convinced. Sometimes I still wonder if I’m dying when it’s happening. 

It’s amazing how many thoughts and feelings we can have in a mere few seconds. I never really realized that before these ice pick attacks began everyday like this. It reminds me to watch my thoughts and make sure they are mostly positive and loving. Also, it reminds me how much can happen in a second, how each second truly matters. In a second, my world can crumble on top of me and in a second, hope can creep into my head and lift me and in a second my wisdom can deepen and I can discover and learn and share. In a second I can choose to conquer my pain and in one second I can choose love.

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We often seem to think of one second as useless or too fleeting to matter. But this life is made up of one seconds, single breaths, fleeting moments, individual heartbeats. Together we realize how important they are but each one in itself, we seem to tend to forget. I am reminded to cherish each one. Hold each one close to me. Make the most of each & every one. 

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One thing that I find that helps me cope with severe physical pain and the emotional trauma of it is to accept the pain instead of judging it or wishing it away. Taking deep breaths and allowing the pain to come as it will. This can be extremely difficult but with practice it gets easier.

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I have sometimes been angry with the physical agony of my chronic/episodic pain disorder and sometimes even at my body or the part of it responsible for this hell.  

I love my body, both the aesthetic beauty of it and what it does for me, allows me to live, to love, to experience, to reach out my hand and help someone or reach out my arms and warmly embrace others.

But sometimes when I have been very sick (with kidney stones for example) or in pain, I let my love take the backburner and felt a devastating sense of betrayal. Like my body is betraying me, doing this to me. After all the love I have lavished onto it and express for it. As if my body has consciously chosen to do this to me. Sometimes I have been angry at my jaw, the source of all my pain. This is very rare for me to experience but I have felt it before. 

What is more common is for me to become furious with my physical pain itself. I have even felt an urge to seek revenge upon it. It sounds amusing and ridiculous and makes no sense. Pain is not a sentient thing with a choice or consciousness. But I have felt furious and wanted to scream at it and throw and break objects while cursing my pain for destroying me. I have waited for my pain to materialize before me so I can rip it to shreds. Into little pieces, the way I feel that it does to me. 

This doesn’t help. Screaming and taking fits while in the midst of a severe flare up of physical pain, fantasizing about seeking revenge on my pain, does nothing to help me. It doesn’t ease my pain or relieve my anger. All it serves to do is worsen it. And it is devastating enough without unnecessarily adding to it.  

(It’s interesting to think about this because I don’t hurt or kill humans, animals, insects, any living, sentient beings intentionally ever so I know if my pain really was a sentient thing I can seek revenge on, I wouldn’t.)

Accepting my pain and my body is what helps. And meditating upon all the good my body does for me. I have now learned when I’m in physical agony, even seemingly unbearable physical agony, to ask myself “What is this pain teaching or reminding me?” “How can I use this experience to help inspire or bring a sense of consolation or hope to others?” In the earlier days of my pain disorder, it was rare that I was able do this. 
Back then all I was mostly able to do is scream and collapse and writhe on the floor and pace back and forth or crack my head against a wall all night long. Most of my thoughts were frantic and panicked, often despairing. Sometimes they still are and sometimes I still do these things, still get angry but more often now, I am able to consciously allow my pain to strengthen me and teach or remind me, deepen my wisdom and empathy for others in those moments.

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As soon as I feel the agony of my disorder flaring up, I am reminded of how I never want anyone to ever feel this way and try to think of ways I can bring even just a fraction of consolation or inspiration to others. I now have the ability to summon loving feelings more often than I used to when I was in severe pain. I am reminded that others are suffering or may be or can later be suffering like me and it deepens my compassion. It reminds me that when I feel like responding to things with unkindness, it’s better to instead respond with compassion. Compassion can ease suffering. 

My pain is worth it if I can use it as a catalyst for positive change and if I can allow it to inspire me to reach out and help someone in some way, even if it’s just sharing a positive quote or picture on social media. Or reminding myself to show more compassion even to people acting less than kind, at any moment they can be struck with pain or maybe already are suffering. 

One thing I learned that I would have never known if not for my disorder, is the existence of “beyond unbearable pain.” I never knew that physical pain can be beyond severe or beyond unbearable. Now I know. I think life itself is  beautiful  and while I don’t want to suffer, if I have to its good to let it teach me. Pain to all extents is part of this life. And the more I get to experience of life, the better! Even when it’s not pleasant. I won’t go out looking for pain but if it happens to find me, I will embrace it. I don’t always succeed but that’s ok. 

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Though it can often feel like it, my pain is not my enemy. It is my teacher, my lessons, my inspiration, my strength. And I am not a victim of my body. My body does all it can to keep me alive even when it’s sick and in pain. It does all it can for me. It doesn’t want to suffer.

When I keep this in mind and focus on this and lavish love onto the places of me that hurt, when I breathe, consciously aware of each breath that goes in and out, and remember I am not my pain, it helps me cope. Pain is separate and I can build an invisible/emotional barrier to distance my body or self and the pain so I won’t identify with the pain. 

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One of my favorite books is “How to Solve Our Human Problems” by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, meditation master, Buddhist monk, teacher of Buddhism, and one of my favorite authors. In his book he writes:

“The feelings of hurt are inseparably bound up with grasping at I and mine. We strongly feel ‘I am hurt’ or ‘My feelings are hurt.'” (How to Solve Our Human Problems pp. 43)

And 

“There is an enormous difference between the thoughts, ‘I am feeling bad,’ and ‘Unpleasant feelings are arising in my mind.’ When we identify with our feelings, we make them bigger and more solid than they are, and it becomes much more difficult to let the unpleasant feelings go. On the other hand, when we learn to view our feelings in a more detached way, seeing them simply as waves in the ocean of our mind, they become less frightening and much easier to deal with constructively.”  (pp. 44) 

When I first read this, I laughed hysterically. 

“Unpleasant feelings are arising in my mind.”

Sometimes I still do. Who goes around saying “There are unpleasant feelings arising in my mind?” Imagine being pissed at someone and yelling “There are angry feelings arising in my mind at you!!” Lmao I couldn’t say that and keep a straight face. I’m laughing as I’m writing this.

But these words he speaks are true. 

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Venerable Geshe Kelsang’s point is to dissociate or detach, to not allow our self to identify with our pain. Not ever to repress or deny it but to not be one with it, to distance ourself and our unpleasant emotions or feelings. We are not those painful feelings. We acknowledge them and that they severely affect us. But then we detach and realize they are not inherent in our existence. If something is not me or essential to my very existence, I don’t have to identify with it. 

I couldn’t see exactly how this can work but I love Geshe-la and while I don’t agree with all his views, I trust his word. His practical tips are extremely helpful and his love and wisdom run deep. 

One night, somewhat recently, I woke up in excruciating physical pain which triggered fear. People often say emotional pain is worse than physical. I can’t completely agree. Both can be agonizing and it’s dependent upon the one experiencing the pain and the situation, the degree of pain…

To me, severe physical pain is harder to deal with than severe emotional pain. And I have felt both horrific physical and emotional pain. 

So that night I was horrified and in unimaginable physical agony, beyond belief. My head was throbbing, aching, burning…

And I remembered his words. 

And I thought to myself “There is physical pain arising in my head” while taking deep deliberate breaths. I meditated upon the fact that pain and me are separate even when it feels I am consumed by it. Even when it feels I am one with it. Even when I don’t know where pain ends and I begin. I am not pain. I am not fear. Pain and fear are not inherent in me. I couldn’t believe the effect it had on me. Even though I did not completely grasp the concept. It calmed my fear and helped me cope. I felt my pain becoming more distant. Not going away, not necessarily even lessening but my self becoming less identified with it. This way I have a less negative emotional reaction to the physical pain.

This detachment can work for both physical & emotional pain. We are not our painful thoughts, our grief, our sadness or depression or anxiety. We are not our anger or our jealousy. These things arise in our body/mind but they are not us.

Instead of thinking I am in pain or my head hurts or I am scared, I detach, distance myself, dissociate. I don’t allow concepts of me or my body or I to be in the same breath as pain or fear. Fear & pain arise in my body but they are not me. They are not my body, not my mind, not my essence. They are separate. And by carefully selecting my choice of words, my thoughts, I can emphasize this and cope better with pain and fear. 

My body does hurt.
My head really hurts. 
I am scared.
I am in pain.

These are all the truth.

But these sentences do not always serve me well. They bring my body, me, my mind together with pain, allowing pain and fear to collide with me. Our choice of words and our thoughts have an effect either positive or negative and there are choices we can make to help us in painful situations.

Again, it’s not about denying or repressing but detaching. I can have something, admit that I have it but not identify with it. This even goes for positive things like money or a great job. I have those things if I do but they are not me. And I can separate my self and them. Then when I lose them I still will not be lost or diminished. 

Also, laughter always helps. And it’s hard not to laugh when I think this way. Lol It sounds ridiculous. Who talks this way?! ;-D

But it really does help me.

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(This is the back of the book. It just has a blur effect I put on because it looks prettier that way. The original picture looks kind of plain. This has a dreamy effect.)

I also would love to share some quotes and these songs for anyone in need or anyone who may be inspired or uplifted or just curious or entertained by them.

Songs:

If You’re Goin’ Through Hell – Rodney Atkins – mobile

If You’re Going Through Hell – desktop

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor – mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

Hero – Mariah Carey – mobile

Hero – desktop

Quotes

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” (Mayor Pappas, “City Hall” movie quote)

“Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us.” ~ Charles Kingsley 

And we don’t have to let it conquer us.

“Pain can be endured and defeated only if it is embraced. Denied or feared, it grows.” ~ Dean Koontz 

“While there’s life, there’s hope.” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

“Today I will see something positive in all situations.”

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

“I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.” ~ Dalai Lama 

“When you come close to sellin’ out,
Reconsider” ~ LeeAnn Womack

“Take that first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”

“Some people see a hopeless end, others see an endless hope.” ~ Unknown

“I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today.” — Og Mandino

“And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you” ~ Mariah Carey 

When I was in college, in one of my psychology classes, our professor, a clinical psychologist and very loving woman, would play this song for us and for our homework assignment, we had to print out the lyrics and were told to always keep them and look to them for inspiration. We were also required, for an exam, to fill in the blank part of the lyrics. It really is a beautiful song, isn’t it? Very inspiring and comforting and her voice, so soothing. ❤

“Embrace your challenges with an open heart because through every challenge, strength forms.” 

“You are not the victim of your body. ” ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup

“We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.” ~ Aristotle Onassis

Our pain may not end or not end soon but we can still be happy, peaceful, live in love. It's all about conquering the pain and dancing in the rain & storms, sailing in the winds. 

“You could go the distance, you could run the mile, you could walk straight through Hell with a smile.” ~ The Script

“To embrace all things means first that one holds no anger or resistance toward any idea or thing, living or dead, formed or formless. Acceptance is the very essence of the Tao.”

“If you're going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill 

This is for everyone in pain of any sort whether physical or emotional or with any problem. There’s always someone, somewhere who understands. There’s always hope as long as there is life. 

❤ ❤ ❤ 😀 

Lots of love to you!! 😀

Xoxo Kim 

Love is not blind <3

Jun19

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I recently read an absolutely AMAZING fiction book. And I don’t use the word “amazing” loosely. I am not someone who uses “amazing” and “awesome” very casually in place of the word “cool” or something. 

To me, the word “awesome” especially, and the word “amazing” are words to generally be reserved for something or someone who inspires literal awe or wonder.  But I’m not a “political correctness” control freak either, whatever floats your boat! 

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Anyway, the book is incredible and has fantastic reviews. I got it at no cost on Amazon Kindle app for BlackBerryz10. It’s called “After the Cure” by Deirdre (I love the name!) Gould and takes place 8-10 years after an outbreak of a vicious and infectious disease that sweeps across the world taking out most people. It’s extremely contagious and there’s no escaping it. A few people in the world are Immune because of their genetic makeup which happens to be able to resist the Plague.  And so they don’t contract the Illness. But they still suffer greatly.  

This disease turns people into cannibals. They become violent and vicious and eat anyone they can get their hands on. They uncontrollably devour their friends, family, strangers, animals….but it’s not their fault as their brains are ravaged by disease. 

But the novel isn’t really about the Infection itself; it’s about the psychological damage almost every person who survives, which isn’t many, is faced with after the disease is cured. Somehow a Cure is found and the “zombie-like” people get better but they remember everything they did. They remember viciously attacking, killing, and eating everyone they came in contact with.
They remember what they felt, what they heard, smelled, and tasted as they uncontrollably attacked innocent people and animals.
And now many of them feel like monsters and are accused by many of the Immune as being monsters.

They are overwhelmed in guilt. They are good people who just got sick. Many of them die by suicide. And many of the Immune people die by suicide because they also are guilt-ridden and lost almost everyone they know to the Infected killing them. They had to kill many of the Infected people who tried eating them. Then after the Cure was found, they felt guilty that they killed innocent, sick people who could have healed, even though it was to save their own lives and the lives of others. 

It’s also a story about segregation (segregation based on health status) and how many Immune people are prejudiced against the Cured who were once Infected. They think of them as “zombies” and monsters and repulsive because they once ate humans. They aren’t zombies though. They never died and just like anyone, can be easily killed in any way. And once they are dead, they can’t come back. It’s kind of like a zombie thriller but more realistic. Realistic because, they are just people with an Infection which causes their brains to change, not people who died and came back and can only be killed a certain way.

 They even have separate neighborhoods for the Immune and the Cured.

Immune people are supposed to register with the government as Immune and only marry another Immune person and Cured are only supposed to marry other Cured and eventually die out. The government doesn’t want their dna to keep going since it’s not resistant to the Infection.  

They aren’t supposed to mix.

The book takes place after most people are Cured, not during the Outbreak. There aren’t many people left in the world, even ten years later and the government is trying to force everyone to have kids. 

As I said, it’s not really a thriller in a zombie attack way, it’s more about the psychological effects on the people. But there is a big mystery throughout the book that Mr. Frank Courtlen, a lawyer, and Dr. Nella Rider, a psychiatrist, are determined to solve because many lives depend on it. 

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There won’t be any really big spoilers here, most of this info you will know by reading the description of the book or find out in the beginning of the book. But if you would prefer to not know without reading, click it off now! 

;-D

It’s entertaining and thrilling, a kind of mystery, but it also has a deeper message about compassion, understanding, and true, unconditional love and acceptance as well as hope. I believe the underlying message can apply to our real life situations.  

Some people are afraid to confess to others what they did while they were Sick or what they did to survive if they were Immune. They are afraid people will no longer like them and will reject or think less of them. 

The two main characters are Mr. Courtlen, the defense attorney for a doctor in trouble for something involving the Disease and Dr. Rider, the psychiatrist who is to evaluate and check the defendants in a Trial over the Infection outbreak. She was also involved in helping Cure and care for the Sick during the initial Outbreak. 

They are both very loving and compassionate people who want nothing but the best for anyone and everyone and they risk their lives to do what they believe is right and to save the lives of others. They both have deep empathy and compassion even for those who many people would think do not deserve it.

 Dr. Rider is Immune but she’s completely compassionate and accepting of the Infected and Cured. She doesn’t see them as any different than herself. She never viewed them as zombies or monsters or repulsive, even when they tried to attack her. And she doesn’t support the discrimination and segregation. She accepts all people just as they are, no matter what whether it’s in relation to health or anything else. She believes that everyone belongs together. She’s my favorite character. 

She and the lawyer become very close and they both have dark, painful secrets or things they are hesitant to reveal to each other out of fear of losing the other’s respect and love. 

I wrote about this concept before, here on the blog. My opinion is that it’s best not to cover up parts of our true self just so people will like us or not dislike us. No matter how much we love those people or how afraid we are of losing them. 

Maybe some things people just want to keep to themselves and that’s ok. But it’s something else to conceal something just so we are liked or not negatively judged by others.  

I don’t want someone to like/love me just because there’s something that person doesn’t know about me where if s/he found out, s/he would no longer care for me. I would prefer people to know and reject me right then if it’s going to happen. 

This can be anything: religious or political views, certain choices we have made, opinions on anything, scars, flaws, mistakes, health issues….if someone doesn’t accept you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you will be, in my opinion it’s not real love and not worth it then. There’s always someone who will embrace all of the person even if that person doesn’t like or agree with some things. We can accept the good with the bad, the flaws with the perfections, maybe even see the beauty in those flaws. 

 If we take the chance and open up about various things we can and sometimes probably will be criticized or rejected in some way. I believe that it’s worth it. And for all the people who dislike us, there are so many who will love/like us. They can’t replace the ones who reject us but at least you know that someone out there in the world somewhere desires just what you have to give and all that you are. I’m not just referring to romantic love but also platonic. 

In my opinion it’s ok to care what people think of us, to be concerned and even afraid sometimes but without going overboard to the point we obsess over it frequently or change or pretend to be something we’re not. It’s not good to be like a zombie, completely unaffected by those around us but not good to be obsessed and anxious often, either. We can find a good balance of generally caring but not too much. 

And I think there are at least two ways to not want to offend people. One is because we feel awkward about confrontation or what they think of us, that they are judging us, the other is because we genuinely care about the person’s wellbeing and do not want to inflict/contribute to unpleasant emotions. I think the second one is better. It’s rooted in selfless compassion where the first is rooted in selfish fear or awkwardness.

I think sometimes for many people, when we get to know someone then find out things we don’t like, we will still want to be friends with that person where if we first saw the things we do not like, before getting to know the rest, we may not be as thrilled to be friends with the person. (Imagine someone rudely spewing obnoxious views the second you meet, you may not care to know more. But imagine meeting a funny, loving, passionate person you instantly love then later hearing those obnoxious views, you may be more likely to accept it even if you don’t like it. I think most of us have love and offense, beauty and ugliness, can be rude and also respectful…and it’s good to give people a chance.)
I know many people refuse to discuss controversial views or refuse to tell details about themselves that may not be accepted by others, because of fear of rejection, fear of no longer being liked by those who once or would have liked them if they did not know this about them.

But if people only like you because they do not know a certain thing about you, is it really a genuine relationship? Is it really authentic love or an authentic sense of liking? Is it really worth it? I really don’t think so. Or at least, in my opinion, it’s not a relationship worth keeping around by pretending to be something else or covering things up. Just because you don’t express your views or certain things about yourself doesn’t mean they aren’t here. 
Even if no one ever finds out, those things still exist about us. So why not just embrace it? It’s part of us whether we like it or not. It’s not going anywhere no matter how much we want it to. So who cares what “they” think or say about it or us?! 

Someone can be very likable to many people because they aren’t very open and people only see the surface but there’s more than that surface for all of us, and repressing, concealing, or lying doesn’t make it go away.  Those people who never ever discuss politics, for example, or reveal much about their life still have those views (unless they are truly politically apathetic but even then, they likely have some sort of views) and still have that life. They still have those “flaws.” 

I understand not discussing controversial views or details just to avoid trouble/arguments on some occasions or because it’s embarrassing to have people know certain things about us or because we genuinely do not want to offend a person right then because we care about the person’s happiness and not just because we feel afraid of confrontation or what they will say to us, that’s one thing. Or because something is painful or something we just don’t care to discuss. 

But intentionally covering up things about us or trying to change certain things just because people may no longer be our friends either in person or on social media accounts or because people may not like or respect us as much, is, in my opinion, not good. I prefer people to reject me if they are going to because at least it’s genuine. I have lost Facebook friends and the love of some people in person merely because of my views on some things. Not always even because of my attitude about it, I did not always have an unpleasant attitude. I was just firm and assertive in my views. Which I will continue to be. 

I have also lost acquaintances online and off because I revealed my struggle with depression and suicidal thinking. I have had people look at me weird, look at me like I’m a freak. And men who were interested in me back off after they found out. This does not happen often. Most people seem understanding and accepting. But it’s not pleasant when it does happen. 

But I will continue to be open and honest.  

I used to see this as being true to myself but now even more importantly, I see it as being true to others. I genuinely don’t 
want people wasting their energy or time on me just because they think I’m something I’m not or don’t know something about me where if they found out, they would move on. 
Whether it’s on social media or in person.

I don’t want people to be rude and discriminatory and I think it’s great for us to be accepting but that doesn’t mean we have to surround ourselves with people we would rather not. I want people to mostly be surrounded by those they feel nourish, love, fuel, inspire them, people who are open and honest with them, not people who intentionally go out of their way to cover up stuff just not to lose “friends” which in my opinion isn’t true friendship.  We don’t all have to want to be friends with everyone. It’s ok to choose not to be friends with certain people. We can still be loving or positive about it and go our separate ways, wishing everyone the best. 

I’m not saying to just spill everything constantly in every situation and every occasion, ignoring boundaries, of course not, I’m talking about when it comes up in appropriate contexts or if we truly feel the urge to reveal something about ourselves.  Then I think it’s good to be open and honest and lose whoever I will. I will continue to love those people and wish them the best (if only in my head, I’m not going to keep contacting people who want nothing to do with me but I won’t have animosity for them either.).

Also if we change something about us or pretend to be someone else just so people will like us, there’s still going to be people who don’t like us. You can change or lie about your views, your body, your hair color, your job…then there will be people who don’t like the “new” you. For all of us, there’s many who like and will like us and some who won’t. And that’s ok. 

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I think this novel is beautiful and challenges our views of beauty and provokes thoughts on unconditional love and acceptance.  It conveys the message that every person makes mistakes or does something that someone else will not like, does things we aren’t proud of, and can be judged by someone somewhere and how it’s good to not overly judge people in negative ways. We usually do the best we can the best we know how in each moment and even if we don’t, there’s a chance later to be better. We aren’t the person we previously were. All that matters is who we are now. We don’t have to be imprisoned by our past. We can start now and be as loving as possible to everyone we encounter. We can take all that we were and all that we are and use it for the best, to build our- self into more greatness. The seemingly unpleasant facts about ourselves can be used as a catalyst for positive change. 
What matters most is that the heart is in the right place and that we see each other’s true inner beauty, not get lost judging mistakes and flaws. 

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The book has about 399 pages, I think, and is very much the page turner! I seriously couldn’t sleep night after night because I stayed up reading and thinking about the book. I felt so involved in it and so empty and so full when it ended. I miss the characters and the world in the book. I want it all back! Lol I even plan on reading the book again! I feel that way with lots of books but not usually to this depth. The author is so skilled and a gift to the world. She really brings her characters alive and the two main ones are very well developed.  The book is fairly long, nearly 400 pages, but for this one, that’s not long enough! 

The story is grounded in so much hope.

It conveys the message that no matter what happens, no matter how dark, ugly, agonizing something can be, the next morning the sun will rise, the stars will shine in the night sky, the Earth will spin and flowers will grow. And that people are basically good. While there are those with cruel intentions who want to hurt(probably because they themselves are suffering in some way), there are many, many more and always will be more, who want to love and help and show compassion. 

Yes, I seriously recommend it! I read some of the reviews and even some people who aren’t into zombie thrillers love it. As I said, it’s not really about zombies because first, they aren’t zombies anyway, just sick people. And also it takes place years after the Outbreak and is mostly about the aftermath. There are still some Infected people who have yet to be Cured where the Cure hasn’t yet reached and there is some adventure. There’s two other books about different aspects of this Infection, by the same author but can all be read separately, I think. I haven’t read those yet. 

“Love isn’t blind; it sees but it doesn’t mind.”

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To love, we don’t have to be “blind” to each other’s flaws. We can open our eyes, open our hearts and see. But love anyway.

I’m wishing you much love & happiness today and always.

Xoxo Kim