Under a dark sky Swirling with tattered dreams He stands alone A man held captive By the relentless, throbbing ache Dwelling in some place Deep within Unidentifiable Like the wreckage of a ship Crashing in the night
His oceanic eyes piercing The darkness inside me Reflecting the heavy pain that breathes In me As if it were alive Pulsing like my heartbeat And the blood that runs through me
A silent captain of his painted ship Under the stars as they clash Into a stormy chaotic mess Colors colliding with the dark fantasies of A man lost in the night Amongst the ruin Of a beautiful, shattered mind
Navigating the tempestuous winds of his mind Where stars pulsate through his veins heartbeats that journey through the contorted galaxies of a lonely traveler of the night Each glow, a wish he cannot grasp A wish that stays untrue Always just out of reach
His fingertips almost lightly brush The softness Of each twinkle of hope Like a dandelion Dissolving The gentle wisps floating away in the wind Taking with it each wish That never blossoms Into fruition
Voiceless and invisible He speaks in colors Like distorted rainbows Across a midnight sky Messages that speak to the emptiness in me Filling it with hints of hope in the shape of stars like paint splashing the canvas of my mind Each swift brush of his hand across sterile white Small specks of gold Glittering in all the dark
And as each color in his mind implodes Like erupting volcanoes in his soul He is kicked back into the darkness Of the depths & valleys of his Torn up mind Like an endless abyss Chromatic but full of colorless voids That swallow the untouched parts of him They could never love
His cries go unheard His pleas falling on deaf ears But still he loves With wild abandon With every color he can muster All the passion in his eyes
The night wraps around him Like a cloak of black velvet its silence heavy Weighing on a fragile life That cannot bear the storms His brush dances A lonely pirouette across the canvas Colors bleeding like unsaid sorrows And unsung songs
A masterpiece.
Yellow bursts like distant laughter That was once near Now just a memory Tinted in grey Orange flames of sunsets he never saw Blue whispers of cold nights enveloping him in Snowy fields of Glistening white Wistful violet sighs of nostalgic joy Remnants now scattered about In the echoes of forlorn nights Red for every moment his heart loved
Each stroke, a confession each hue, a tear spilling into the craters The voids no one else could feel Splashing onto the world In silent drops
He paints the cosmos The vein of each galaxy Every pulse that dances Upon his wrists Like an almost inaudible whisper Taunting him With empty promises Of a world of endless color Bursting open All over the grey & black of his reality
He questions the beauty of night dappled in stars That shine in some other world That can never be his
He slouches As he walks crushed beneath the heaviness Of their accusations
Scattered green leaves beneath his feet the summer breeze carries the scent of loneliness The solemn embrace of solitude while crickets strum their evening lullabies and the night holds its breath As if to brace itself for what’s to come watching this fragile soul Too weak to go on pain and passion gifted, yet cursed beneath a soft symphony of stars & moonlight
A solitary figure A shadow in the night lost in the vastness of existence he finds comfort in chaos in the explosion of colors that speak what words cannot That step up When his voice fails a man, a night Darkness with light a uni-verse held in the heart of a painter A tormented soul
Tragic tales coming to life with every stroke of the brush every drop of paint, a story of its own bursting with all the glory and despair a heart can hold
Each brushstroke A testament to the madness the unadulterated beauty That lies within Untamed passion Like a tiger in the night Seeking unexpecting prey To satiate the hunger That arises in the deepest depths Of his gut And never seems quite abated
His heart, a kaleidoscopic collage His canvas, a mirror reflecting His fractured spirit His splintered mind That cuts into his flesh The inky sky in all its depth & expanse, his only companion a canvas waiting for release
And when all hope was lost On that starry, starry night Vincent lay broken Under the twinkling stars A loud bang ringing in the night Ripping through the sky A riot of colors spilling out Under the black of night His heart gushing every color There ever was and every painting that never came to be His paintbrush falling to the ground Dripping red
Clutching his chest Until all the colors turned black as the midnight sky The life pouring out of him Beneath the dying stars Withering away
Eyes closed now As he drifts off Where all the colors Permanently sleep And his canvas remains untouched White like the ghosts that haunted his mind
He lays shrouded in eternal slumber Escaping a world that was never meant For the immaculate beauty Of a tender soul Too fragile, too soft To face the ruins Of a tormented mind
And I hear him now In the whispers of the wind Singing in colors That soothe my darkness Sweetmelodies,muting the pain That creeps in through the cracks Of a broken mindand a ragged life The hues linger Like a fragrant mist Upon supple skin I carry them with me Embedded deep in my heart Flowing out with each beat Onto everything I touch
A splash of color Immortal Against the black and grey Forever haunting A place in the night Where an artist once stood Under the stars Confessing his pain His dreams His deepest loves & longings In a disarray of color To a color blind world
And when no hope was left in sight On that starry, starry night You took your life As lovers often do But I could have told you, Vincent This world was never meant For one as beautiful as you 🖤
Wide awake Shrouded in the suffocating loneliness That old familiar companion That never leaves her side Her mind drifts to a long ago That is so out of reach now it’s almost Too painful to remember Her body heavy with the memories Of what used to be Before things got so dark It feels like another life One that wasn’t hers Could never be hers
A million lifetimes ago Like another dimension Where a different version of herself exists A happier version Knowing only innocence & love
The nostalgia leaves her breathless
Knocking the wind out of her Painful & joyful alike
She lays beneath her soft silken sheets
Feeling like a distorted replica of her former self
A contorted character in a dark novel, an empty shell of what used to be
As if her life were a convoluted storyinspired by some distant reality that was once hers
Just when her despair Reaches a new depth I find myself seeping into the cracks Of her shattered mind Uninvited Creeping into her darkest spaces Taking up residence in her darkness Feeling it surrounding me Like a midnight melody Somber, sweet, aching
She hears me humming the song She wrote As she bolts upright in her bed Trying to discern If her midnight serenade is real or A figment of her sad imagination I journey through all the crevices of her brain, therecesses of her mind,and all the delicate veins, tracing the curves of her body with my tender touch Trying to learn all of her ways All of her secrets The intimate longings of her heart So I can sing them back to her
Mirroring her own love And showering her in it Like a waterfall of nectar cascading over Her rocky, tumultuous world And soothing the darkness in her soul
My humming gets louder As she gets up and walks to the doorway She hears my voice up the hall Gently singing the song in her bones
One hand on the doorframe, she tentatively looks down the dark hallway, afraid of what she may see but her curiosity too strong to quell
Seeing my slender silhouette on the cream colored curtain, doing starlit pirouettes My long hair blowing in the breeze She freezes And blinks As I vanish into the night She opens her eyes And in that fraction of a second I am gone She walks along the hall til she reaches the opened window And stares at the now blank curtain blowing softly As moonlight drifts in
She reaches out
And touches the curtain
Gently rubbing her hand down the soft fabric
Pulling it aside to look in back
Confusion written all over her face As she looks around, peering into the darkness Of the hall The darkness matching the darkness within She begins to slowly walk back to her room Her hair hanging softly down her back Resting against herpastel pink lacey lingerie top That reveals the soft smoothivory skin beneath
Her lips are full & pink Glistening As she calls out To whatever apparition Lurks in her darkness I whisper her name Into her ear So lightly Like the breeze That creeps in through the window
She jumps And shudders A chill running up her spine As she walks back to the window And closes it The curtains now hanging Still, lifeless
Her bare feet make a soft padding sound Against the wooden floorboards as they creak in the night I silently float beside her My mind connecting with hers She can’t see me But she can feel me In every breath she takes She turns to the side and catches my shadow As I instantly disappear
She can hear my soothing voice Caressing the shards of her mind And feel my loving embrace Around her shoulders She pulls away Unsure if it’s real or imagined I move closer Until my hair falls over her shoulder Like a shadow in the night My glossed red lips Just barely touch her cheek As she quickly reaches up And brushes her cheek with her hand
She turns, abruptly
And we are face to face
So close, she can feel my breath in her face
Like the kiss of a midnight breeze
She sees through me
Then for a moment our eyes seem to meet
Just for one infinitesimal moment
A knowing look suddenly crosses her face Like a fleeting light Piercing the darkness Then fading away As quickly as it appeared
She turns and walks briskly back To her bedroom And slams the door Shutting me out Willing me out of her mind Out of her awareness Out of her blo0dstream Out of her soul
Her darkness closes in And suffocates me Pulling me into an endless abyss I fall and fall Free falling Flailing And crashing back into my own World Without her All encompassing pain Taking over As I lay Rejected & defeated The ache Taking over As I lay in my bed late into the night I can feel her in the shadows That surround the night And I wonder if I’m haunting her Tonight
Memories of me filling her mind Memories of a love that never was A love that could have been but ended before it began Memories & longings she wishes only to banish
I lay in my darkness Dreaming of her In the moonlight Memoriesof longago Of youthful, hopeful dreams now shattered, swirl around in my head as if to taunt me As she haunts me Tantalized by her wild beauty Pulled into an endless night Where I live in her nightmares Aching for something Homesick for a place that never existed For a person never meant to be mine Grieving for an old love That nevertruly lived
But burns in me like a fire
That can’t be tamed
(I’m disappointed with how this poem is structured. But jetpack/WordPress won’t let me write a sentence or a few words and hit the enter or down key and have another sentence directly under it. It puts a space. I had to write this in my phone’s memo section and paste it here. But I decided to edit & add things. When I added a new sentence, it couldn’t be right under the one before it when I hit the enter key or whatever the key is called now to go to the space below a sentence or word. I saw someone else expressing the same problem while trying to write poems. For paragraphs in regular writing, like this, we don’t have toskip to underneath, but poems & songs are structured differently.
If I were to write a poem directly here instead of writing somewhere else and pasting it here
It
would
be
like
this.
Who wants all those spaces after each word or sentence in a song or poem? I always find myself rereading & editing my poems for days and days. I think it’s done and paste here then realize more work can be done. And when I edit them here, I have to have spaces or begin a whole new blog post because when I delete everything in the current one, the structure is still all messed up. We shouldn’t have all that extra work to post a poem. There are so many other glitches with this app and website too. It’s an ongoingissue for years no matter which phone I use. Sometimes it almost feels like it’s more trouble than it’s worth, but I like having this space to share things. It’s different than regular social media, and sometimes my posts are too long to fit in a social media post. So I keep this around. I’m going to upgrade it when I get money. It feels kind of ironic that I’m complaining that something is more trouble than it’s worth and in the same breath saying I’m going to invest money in it to keep around lol)
This is my own photo I created to go with the poem I wrote, below. 🖤
This poem is called LovingLisbeth.
Loving Lisbeth
Night falls And the echoes begin again Somewhere beneath a shimmery moon As the city lights dance In the night I hear them Bouncing off The shadows That cling To the skyscrapers Under the inky depths Of the night sky Echoes of a voice I used to know And unrequited love That still burns In a heart That can’t let go
I remember her so long ago Calling out to the skyline As we looked up At the imposing structures We both have always loved so much As they dwarfed us Until we were as small as the ants Scurrying about in the cracks of the Pavements Beneath our shoes
Calling As if they were some kind Of saviors Come to rescue her Scooping her up Into their concrete arms And cradling her Like a newborn Safe in the shelter Of her mother’s loving embrace
There was some kind of Comfort there Some kind of reassurance In the familiarity of the same Buildings Night after night Some kind of comfort In the repetition Of the mirrored windows Lighting up the night
In feeling so small Against the large constructs That held us in their presence As they stood so firmly Smugly In purpose Looking down at us As if their mission was Always accomplished With ease Without fail
She called up to them
But there was no answer There was never an answer Just her own voice Echoing through the city In the still of the night Under a darkened sky Resembling the murky waters Of an abandoned and forgotten lake In some desolate remote place No one knows exists
I stand here now Listening to the forlorn echoes As they clash and yearn Spewing out dark melodies And symphonies Like a twilight serenade Gone awry
And somewhere I hear her voice Now, just a ghost of a whisper Riding the gentle night air Like music notes Barely audible
But I know it’s hers
I call out to her But there is no answer
I call again And her name Gets caught in my throat And I choke On the pain Of yearning For what used to be But never really was
An apparition Of some long ago That exists Only in the dark blur Of my mind
I feel her somewhere out there Somewhere deep into the bowels Of the night Somewhere in the midst of The street lights and the city lights And the night dwellers Taking up residence on the lonely streets And the subways and the park benches Among a crowd of wandering strangers With nowhere else to go I scan every face I see But none of them are hers I call her name But no one turns to look at me
I search and search
But I have yet to find her I search the seemingly endless City streets Late into the night Like a maze That there is no way out of I call But she doesn’t call back
I run alone Through the back alleys And the dead end streets The cobblestones And empty parking lots Peering through the darkened Windows of the closed cafes And restaurants and stores The soles of my shoes Pounding against the ground As I run And my heart Pounds in my cranium Thudding Like a drum Vibrating my eardrums
My breath, raspy And shallow As I yell out to the night air
I call And search Her name, Tantalizing and tasting bittersweet Upon my lips Like droplets of white wine lingering about
I frantically turn in every direction Searching every corner In a desperate
panicked haze As I yell her name As if my life depends on it As if she were a lifeboat Needed to save me Carrying me out of dismal swamp Back onto land Where I stand Looking up at those skyscrapers Under a black sky Calling Calling her name
But the only sound I hear Is my own name Calling back to me
🖤
I hope you are having a great morning or night or day wherever in the world you are!! ♥️
Have any of your own poetry or poetry blog? You’re welcome to share in the comments!
AI & glitch artwork created by me to go with this poem 🖤
Standing here alone In the shadows of a distant memory That still burns in me Like hot steel Branding the flesh of my existence Her name tattooed into my cells I can’t escape her touch Marked for life The grief Expands in me like an airbag in my chest Til there is no more space And I struggle for breath My ribcage threatening to break Under the pressure Like a starshower Crumbing out of the sky Hot celestial pieces Falling Upon anything unlucky enough To be in the way Burning flesh Setting fire to surface Bringing everything to ruin
She’s always one heartbeat away One step out of reach I remember her hair Falling to her shoulders Blowing in the wind As her tears fell softly Like silent raindrops in the night Her eyeliner running down her cheeks Like mudtracks in pure white snow Those tears that spoke a thousand words Whispering into the night A somber melody Almost inaudible But caressing All the deepest depths of me
I carry her in my bones a melancholy ache accompanying my every step Invisible like a phantom in the night that lurks at my side like a distorted shadow supposed to be mine But isn’t
I am consumed by the dark Overshadowed by pain Til there Is almost no trace of what I was Before her Smothered in the aftermath Of a hurricane Washed away in the turmoil With no anchor
I stand here in these shadows Under the glow of the moon My long hair blowing in the gentle evening breeze As my eyes search the night For her But she’s nowhere to be found
But I feel her in everything there is The city lights remind me of the twinkle in her eyes As they lit up with everything she loved The bookstores, the cafes, the buildings, they speak her name as I walk by Almost as if to taunt me with reminders of everything that will never be mine Dreams that danced upon my pulse as it raced through me, promises of a life that are now crumbled like flowers crushed beneath the soles of my shoes But leaving tantalizing hints of their perfume in every step I take
Our hearts beat in synch I breathe her air And her tears run down my cheeks with the gentle rain that kisses my skin With its somber soft touch, tasting the salt as it covers my red lipsticked lips and caresses the tip of my tongue
I remember her bright hazel eyes smiling Through thick rimmed glasses As she spoke about the last novel she read Full of heartache and love and redemption I watched her hair fall over her glasses As she absentmindedly brushed it back I remember the way she came alive Whenever it rained And the city looked like a watercolor Painting A kaleidoscopic disarray Of all the colors of the rainbow The way her camera couldn’t capture Enough pictures And that joy lives in me somewhere Like a bittersweet song Playing in my bones Running through my veins
And I am here now In this other life Where she doesn’t exist Worlds apart But somehow only One chaotic breath away Drowning in memories Lifetimes away Lost in the shadows Of a love That could never be
🖤
Anyone else want to share your own poetry? You’re welcome in the comments! Or share a link to your poetry blog. I especially love dark poetry or sci fi/futuristic, mysterious…but any kind is welcome!
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
This is a poem I wrote around ten years ago. I recently edited it, kept it mostly the same. I decided to add a few creative lines and kept all the old ones. It’s inspired by my true experience. It’s called “Covet.” I have always loved poetic writings to read and write, particularly dark poetry. I’m not generally dark, just like when that aspect of life is expressed through artistic things. Most of my writings have been lost when phones crashed that I had it saved on, but fortunately some I still have, and this is one of the surviving ones. It was devastating losing everything. I fell into a month long depression when one of my phones broke years ago that I used for writing(similar thing happened recently too). I don’t write very frequently, just once in a while when inspiration hits.
I like this poem of mine. Every now & again, I open it and read it. It’s my favorite one of mine. And it makes so much sense to me, taking me back to my long ago, stirring up memories and emotions. I did not follow any writing/poetry rules or whatever. Just let the writing, imagery, symbolism, emotion… flow, inspired by my real life experience. I generally don’t explain any of my poetic writing for the most part. I just leave interpretation up to anyone who may read and leave a bit of mystery.
🖤
Also, not trying to be shady. Lol There is just one line in this poem of mine that is inspired by or more accurately stolen (but inspired sounds better 🤣) out of a popular song. Yeah, I knocked off the Cars (at least I’m honest 😆). But the rest is all mine. 😆
Covet
I see you every night Somewhere in the dark, Distant places in my mind Lost in the crevices Of my brain, The dusty recesses That are rarely touched By anything else Your beauty defying all reason Like flowers blooming Through concrete In the dead of winter
The pain in your eyes Reflects in my own glare Swirling Like a whirlwind Of deep colors Clashing in a Midnight sky And I want to run to you
But I am not yours
There are so many things I want to say to you That I can never say Secrets to abandon In the thrill of your touch Cast off Into the warmth of your smile
But I am not yours
I reach out for you But you don’t reach back And I loathe you Because you are not mine But I love you just the same
Every mistake you have ever made Every flaw you torment yourself with The crinkles around your eyes The laughlines on your face Only intensify my sense of awe When I think of you
Your beauty deepens With each passing second As mine fades Into the nothingness Of my world And I am jealous
I want to tell you That you are the girl Who keeps me up at night The one who beckons me Unknowingly To the edge Of some madness Too vast, Too dark To explore The one who lifts me To the greatest pinnacle Of joy and love and hope The one who drops me As I plummet To the lowest depths Of my despair
My heart pounding As my mind races With all the things That would be so Perfect But will never be
I imagine us together Strolling around the city streets Late at night The cobblestone, the abandoned alleyways, the closed cafes, the buildings catching our eyes As we run and laugh Under the stars And the street lights And our fingers lace Together So perfectly Together Like delicate veins Linked together Into an indigo tapestry Wriggling like worms In mud After a heavy rainshower Giving life Where there Was once Nothing
Finding each other In the midst of Some confused, dark eternity That spans Across galaxies And worlds Time and space We’ll never know Where everything else falls to ruin But we stand whole Together, we are whole
And I see you now In that cold place Where I dwell Always, where I dwell Where small, jagged pieces of your reality Collide with my fantasy And dissolve
My stiletto heels Tapping up the dimly lit hallway To your bedroom As the floorboards creek In the middle of the night Echoing Through the gentle night air That flows in Through your opened window As the curtains blow Softly To the rhythm of the night
Like a lost voyeur I stand Watching Lingering, Like a ghost in the Night I drift Standing in your doorway Unseen Unheard Unknown
I see you In your bed Under a gentle,dim Flickering Fluorescent light That catches in Your eyes As they scan the Room Searching Searching For something That will never be found
You glance my way But your eyes don’t meet mine They see past me, through me As if I weren’t there As if I were specter in the night Blending in with the shadows That linger in the corners of the room, And in the darkest parts of your mind Where very little light finds its way in
Your eyes rest on an old fadedphotograph On your dresser A remnant of a long ago That now only lives In a place in your mind Reserved for memories That ache and weep To be brought back to life But cannot be Snippets of moments That weren’t tainted By the darkness of today And I watch you smile A somber, gentle smile That doesn’t reach your eyes
And I want to reach back Reach through the darkness And gather all those moments Into my arms Those moments where only Innocence was known Only light Only love Piece them back together Into a collage to be held And felt all over again Something tangible To be tenderly cradled in your arms Mold them into kaleidoscopic dreams Splashing color All over a world That is only black Wrap them up in a bow And hand them to you As my gift But it can never be
The soft scent of longing Reaches my nose Tickling my skin With the urge to Sneeze I hold back For fear of Being exposed And disintegrating Into the blackness of Night Where I’ll never find My way back to you
Satin sheets Cool Beneath Your bare, flawless flesh As I take you into My tender, loving embrace And wonder if you can feel my Touch My invisible arms around your Body My long hair as it softly flows Around you As your own wavy chestnut hair Falls To your shoulders Like waterfalls At night Cascadingover Glistening mountainsides Threatening to crumble Beneath the heaviness Of my yearning My pastel pink polished Fingernails Tenderly running Through the locks Of your hair As if to calm the storm That rages within
I watch you reach up And softly brush your fingers across the translucent red lipsticked kiss I leave on your cheek A hint of confusion In your eyes, A faint flicker of fleeting recognition An almost knowing look As your fingertips linger, lightly, on your cheek
And I feel you shudder As Your wineglass Suddenly Falls to the floor, The rim, streaked With your pink lipstick Rose wine Spilling Onto the white Carpet Like the atmosphere Itself Bleeding into the night Sounding like A constellation of stars Shattering Into a million Little pieces As you unknowingly pull out of my arms To reach for the glass And that ache in me Exacerbates With each Breath you take
I can feel you In your soft tears In your loneliness That I long to heal Those thick layers I try to peel back To set you free
As you journey through Those endless black tunnels That you think you travel alone But I am always with you And I want to run to you
But I am not yours
I am not yours
And never will be
But in life and in death I will forever be marked by you
This is an image I created using AI 🖤 I made it to represent my elevator fear and dreams
Content warning ⚠️: claustrophobia, brief mention of s*icidal ideation and self injury, but the self injury isn’t in a “depressed kind of way,” but a result of panic
This post was meant for yesterday!
These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life 🖤
I’m going to share my nightmare while I was asleepbut first will give it context by explaining my claustrophobia.
I shared here before about my lifelong struggle with debilitating Claustrophobia, actual diagnosed Claustrophobia, particularly fear of elevators. I have struggled with it since I was a little girl for an unknown reason. I used to run up 20 floors just to avoid getting into elevators, but in some buildings stairs going up are blocked off. Just walking by an elevator or having to go into a building knowing they’re in there, would be enough to experience intense fear. Sometimes being in an elevator I would go into such a panic, I would claw myself up with my fingernails until my skin bled, just out of a sense of not knowing what to do.
When I was young, I mostly could avoid elevators so it wasn’t as much a problem except on school trips and visiting people in hospitals. That was challenging. Also as a college girl, sometimes I had to get into elevators to get to class. I was embarrassed and insecure about my claustrophobia as a young girl. I did not know it’s a disorder or a defined thing. I thought it meant I’m wimpy. I was impressed when other kids could get into elevators and not be scared. I thought they were braver than me. I now know this isn’t true. Claustrophobia is an anxiety disorder and doesn’t mean someone is weak or not brave. As a girl, I used to daydream that I got into elevators with no fear, and I longed to be this brave for real.
I am one of the phobia sufferers who would often face my fear and get into an elevator anyway and just suffer. I wouldn’t have a positive mindset about it. Many phobia sufferers cannot face the fear and will always avoid the source at all costs. It’s a cruel irony, as I have said before, to have to come face to face with the very thing we fear most, to get over it.
I “cured” it myself after trying out professional exposure therapy and seeing it just wasn’t needed for me; I could handle it on my own. I did use the exposure technique but on my own without the help of a therapist any longer. My claustrophobia was so severe and crippling, it would trigger s*icidal episodes. It’s a very powerful breathtaking fear. It’s so powerful, it inspires awe in me to get to experience something so profound. It’s one of the most intense feelings there is, and not everyone gets to experience something so powerful in that way. I don’t like it, but still intrigued by it and thankful for the experience.It reminds me of love even though it’s not pleasant, the intensity of it can be the same, like so strong, it could move mountains.
It got better, but then I suffered a relapse at the end of 2017 after making the mistake of watching the numbers and waiting for the doors to open. It seemed to take a fraction of a second too long, which made me crumble in terror. This is when I began the exposure therapy. When I first got better, it was after getting used to getting into elevators with a dog. Then eventually I could alone. For a while, I would imagine the dog in there with me even when she wasn’t. That helped. I did not have to get into elevators as much anymore so got unaccustomed to it after the relapse. Then I had to again and could not handle it. So I began organized exposure therapy and meditation. The Philadelphia Eagles won the Superbowl in 2018. Their motto leading up to it was Let us prey. I adopted this saying and attitude as my mantra and way of coping with my Claustrophobia. I chose to prey upon the fear instead of allowing the fear to prey upon me.
I’m not cured. I still have it. It’s just dormant. I can still always feel it beneath my surface and know that it can come back. It’s slightly threatening. I know it’s here possibly waiting to be unleashed. This is true even when I’m calm as can be closed inside an elevator. Sometimes this knowing is more intellectual, and other occasions it’s more a feeling with body and emotion. I don’t mind this. I just peacefully coexist with it. I have to keep getting into elevators to keep myself used to it. If I ever stop, it will come back. Some days just for no particular reason, I feel a flare up and avoid them if I can because I know not to push myself; that isn’t the same as having an active phobia and avoiding them when I have to encounter them to get better. But that’s seldom. Also, if I’m anxious about something else or am dehydrated (dehydration gives me anxiety in a physiological way, not anxious thoughts, but just a feeling of anxiety and physical symptoms), my claustrophobia will flare, not a full on relapse, just a flare. The anxiety of dehydration will latch onto thoughts about being stuck in an elevator and manifest as claustrophobia.
My claustrophobia was always present even being inside an elevator with people. But eventually I stopped being afraid as long as people were inside with me or a dog was. The thought of being trapped inside with a dog or other human stopped terrifying me, just being alone did. Even now, I wouldn’t be afraid or only slightly if an elevator wouldn’t open with a dog and me or another human and me. Before, that would have still sent me off the deep end. Even if it locked with just me now, I can handle it, I think, as long as I don’t have a relapse.
Since I was a little girl into adulthood, I have been plagued by recurring nightmares of being stuck in an elevator. In my dreams it’s an old familiar fear, as if I have been stuck in one before, like a knowing feeling, an intimate knowing, like oh this again. This again. Each dream brought with it the same old feeling, like an underlying thread connecting all the dreams together even spanning over years, decades. Like in each dream it was as if I remembered all the dreams before it, not necessarily consciously remembered, but knew on some level that this keeps happening, but in the dreams, it felt more like they were reality than a dream. Almost like I’m stuck in another world where I am sentenced to getting stuck in elevators again and again and again. Like Groundhog day lol Sometimes I would have multiple elevator dreams in one night. The dreams all start out like regular life, I’m going about my day then must get into an elevator then It happens. My worst nightmare.
This again.
It happens in all different ways, but it’s all the feeling of absolute dread where I just know. I know I am not getting out of here.
I stopped having them for so long.
Until last night.
No idea why, but last night, I had another elevator nightmare. I can’t remember when I last had one. I’m not anxious, and my claustrophobia isn’t relapsing.
But last night I had a dream that I was about to get into an elevator. There was a friendly, smiling petite woman already inside holding the doors for me. I remember her so vividly. She was pale skinned and around my age, maybe a bit older, around as tall as me, maybe slightly shorter, and she was slightly thinner than me. She had what may be called strawberry blonde hair, mouth length. She was wearing a navy blue and white striped long sleeved shirt. The stripes were thin. I don’t remember her pants. She wasn’t physically beautiful but not ugly, but she was beautiful on the inside. What some may call mousy or plain in appearance, but she had a cuteness about her, a humble prettiness. She was very sweet and friendly with a gentle air about her.
We both happened to be going to the 14th floor in whatever building it was. I have no idea why we were there. She was delighted and pushed the button for us both. She had a compassionate, warm, welcoming personality, like she never met a stranger, like she may have been open to developing a friendship or at least an acquaintanceship with me, just in that mundane encounter where most wouldn’t even give each other so much as a glance. It was like when she looked at me, she saw me. Not the way strangers around look up and quickly look away. It wasn’t her words that allowed me to know her nature, but her body language, her facial expressions, her energy, her actions, her smile. I remember her warm energy.
We got to the 14th floor, and the elevator sped past and went to the 17th floor and stopped and wouldn’t open. When it went past the 14th, we both knew. We knew It was happening.
It.
It with a capital “I.”
I’m covered in head to toe chills just writing this. The fear and the knowing in the dream were not normal. We were doomed and knew it in a way that people in reality wouldn’t know it. It’s a kind of knowing, a kind of knowing fear that only exists in dreams or nightmares. Sure, real people who are rational may be anxious but wouldn’t already be in despair and *know* they will be stuck forever or die. We did know, and we were in despair. Real people would be thinking like let’s see how to get this fixed or hopefully this opens or what is going on or thinking we have to call for help or wait for someone to let us out…we had no hope and did not have to wonder, we were doomed. There was no one coming to let us out. And we knew. We knew the very split second that elevator sped past floor 14. The woman gasped and said something I can’t remember, and I stood there paralyzed in that old familiar intimate crippling panic. It was happening again. IT.
The elevator just froze there at the 17th floor. I was panicked that we were stuck. Then I suddenly realized we had a bigger problem than just being stuck. I realized being stuck at floor 17 means being stuck in the air, that high up. Just hanging in midair. I imagined it dropping and us falling to our deaths. Suddenly, as if to hear my thoughts and wanting to taunt, it began to go down very quickly. I wasn’t sure if we were dropping to our deaths or it would land safely, but I knew either way, we weren’t getting out of there, and so did she. Suddenly it began dropping faster and making loud noises and lighting up, then it began going back up and then down then back up, the flashing lights getting more and more intense. All the numbers were lighting up. The whole situation felt aggressive, like the elevator was consciously attacking us. Like it was out to get us.
The woman was screaming and had her head down, covering it with her arms in a defensive stance, as if to protect herself against whatever blows were to be coming to her. I wasn’t screaming or doing anything (typical of me in reality also), but my fear very much matched hers. The top of the elevator began to open up, and we both eagerly looked up to see if maybe, just maybe, there was a way to climb up and get out. There wasn’t. We saw something, I can’t remember what, that we both knew meant it was a hopeless situation for us. We looked at each other, her face contorted into a mask of horror and despair and a desperate pleading look. The crashing noises got louder, the lights more flashy, the elevator began to close in on us as we both got into the self defensive position and moved closer to each other, then clinging to each other knowing our end was very near.
Then I woke up.
And that’s that. lol
First thing this morning, I had to get on an elevator by myself for work. And I remembered this dream as the doors were closing on me. So that was fun. lol 😆
I have been having very vivid dreams lately. I always have but not as much as years ago when I was young, and I don’t remember them as much as I used to. But recently I have been having very detailed dreams that I remember. I generally don’t have unpleasant dreams.
I love that my mind made this character up and brought her to life so vividly. She wasn’t anyone I ever knew for real. I’m not sure how true it is, but I read before that our brain doesn’t make up faces, that if we dream a face very clearly, like my situation here, it means we necessarily saw that face before in real life, maybe even decades ago. It may not have been that person in our dream, just their face. So like this woman’s face could have been my 5th grade teacher’s (in fact thinking back, I think they did have a similar face, build, hair style…and she was warm, sweet, friendly, and around that age maybe lol) even if she wasn’t that person/my teacher in my dream. It was so creative of me lol 😂
This is probably strange, but I kind of feel sorry for her. She was so real, and whatever happened to us, I got to wake up, but it was her ending. Not that it was real. But there is a lingering feeling that I got to be the lucky one who escaped because I get to be the real one, flesh and blood, who gets to wake up and continue being. Also, there was a hint of guilt because it’s my brain that created that world and that dire situation for that character. lol I should probably stop now before I sound batsh!t. 😂
Anyone want to share an interesting dream experience/recurring dream/insight on dreams or anything, go ahead! Or even just your most recent dream you can remember, if there’s one. I would love to read! Dreams are so interesting! I’m especially interested in how, like I said, these dreams are like all linked with an underlying thread and how in dream world, we can know things in a way we wouldn’t in reality. Like we just knew we weren’t getting out of that elevator, not in a negative thinking kind of way but true knowing.In reality if the elevator sped past the 14th floor, most people’s initial reaction would probably be confusion. Like WTF or what’s going on. Our initial reaction was knowing. Then panic.
I don’t mind these dreams/nightmares. They are not pleasant but are fascinating. I am more intrigued than disturbed.
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! And sweet dreams tonight lol 😆
This photo above is my glitch art. I made it myself. It’s created with a tool called pixel sorting or processing.
I wrote this around 15 years ago. My phone crashed, and I lost most of my writing. But this one survived.Losing years and years of my work was devastating. It triggered a depressive episode. After the depressive episode ended, I still couldn’t bring myself to think about writing new stuff after all the old stuff got lost. I have written more recent stuff after a while. It wasn’t necessarily good, and wasn’t for publishing or anything, but it was work I was happy to have for myself, things inspired by my real experiences.
This poem is one of the very few surviving old ones.
This poem is called Amber.
Amber
I hear her loud screams Through the night As the walls shake To the sound That reverberates Through severed veins Managed to be sewn Back together After fountains of scarlet Pouring out Like red wine Tainting everything it touches
My room is almost empty The girl who was beside me Night after night Has been taken away Her clothes and things Packed up and moved To another place Her arms and legs Now in thick metal shackles To match the invisible ones Chaining her To some secret hell No one else can touch
Now I am left alone With Amber’s psychotic Ramblings And violent screams That echo through me Like broken galaxies Lost in the endless darkness Of space They stick needles into her arms While she protests Violently kicking and thrashing Convulsing She is dragged to the quiet room Just across the hall Where she is alone And drifts into a deep, dark sleep But not for long Soon enough She is awake With her hysterical sobs And her dark fears The voices scream at her Inside her head I hear them too I can feel them pulsing Through my own body Malicious Demanding Persecuting As I sit on the edge of my bed And stare up at the white ceiling And blank walls Wondering How this place got so large It seems to expand before my eyes Limitless spaciousness The vastness is almost unbearable Making me dizzy As the voices grow louder More threatening As they bounce off the walls And back But they all pretend they can’t hear All they hear are her agonized screams Through the night That pound through my head Her dark hair Messy and scraggly Her eyes filled With dark horror As she claws at her own face
Somewhere I know There is a girl Deep within her Buried Beneath layers and layers Of pain, despair, fear And screaming voices A girl who needs and yearns And loves But the strange voices Drown out her own voice Quiet it Until it almost seems not to exist But I feel her Deep within me Her light Dim and flickering But still present The doctors and nurses And the technicians Come into my room Again and again Telling me to turn off the light Get to sleep To forget about Amber But the voices Won’t let me sleep Amber’s voices Clash with my own And become a choir Of haunting screams Something deep within me Implodes Like empty rooms With walls Closing in Suddenly, this place Isn’t so large anymore It’s small and stuffy Claustrophobic My walls close in And my breath quickens Along with my pulse Fear paralyzes me And I can’t scream But her screams Still blast through me Like the moon exploding In a dark sky And I get cut On the hot celestial shards My skin bleeds And my heart pounds And I am dragged away Into a deep, dark place Where there is nothing But loud Agonizing Screams And voices That never sleep Echoing all Throughout a night That never seems to end
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
If you have any creative writing of your own you would like to share in the comments, be my guest! 😁
This is a picture I made. It’s a pic of a real cemetery near where I live and I edited it to make it extra creepy. Those are real cemetery stones! It was taken in the daylight and I made it look like night. The apparitions are not real. 🤣
There’s a novel called, “Terminus,” about an angel who falls in love with a human, which is forbidden, according to the spiritual world. He would have to give up being an angel and become human to stay with her, which they don’t encourage in his realm. He meets her in an operating room when her little girl dies on the operating table. He knows the child is going to die and has to show up just before, to escort her soul to the afterlife when it leaves her body. No one in the operating room can see him or knows he’s there except the little girl after her body dies. He stands there as the doctors are working to keep her alive. He sees the crying woman at her daughter’s side and falls in love with her instantly. This is what he thinks when he sees the woman:
“The auburn hair falling over emerald eyes shimmering with tears made her look achingly beautiful.”
He makes the mistake of touching her(it’s a loving, spiritual thing, not a pervy thing lol). She doesn’t understand exactly what happened but she’s suddenly & momentarily filled with joy at the touch of an angel. Then later she meets him again in his human form when she’s s*icidal and recognizes him even though she did not see him in that operating room. The love story is only part of the whole book; it’s a mystery thriller where a few people’s lives are all connected somehow and something big & bad is going to happen if the angel doesn’t stop it. The angel doesn’t know what is going to happen, just that something is, and the woman he’s in love with is meant to die for the greater good but he doesn’t want her to and instead of aiding in her death like he’s meant to, he keeps intervening and saving her life, which is against the rules in his spiritual realm.
Anyway, I want to share a scene in the book I love!
Matthew is a little boy and Riley is his puppy. His puppy gets hit by a car and is dying and the angel, Nick, witnesses and heals the puppy instantly, even though he’s not really allowed. Angels have healing power but are only allowed to use it under certain circumstances. The angel, Nikolai or Nick, is very human-like.
“Matthew fell to his knees, crying. Riley had been hit and was gasping her final breaths—something Nick was all too familiar with. Matthew looked at his puppy, his face all tears and dirt and heart-wrenching despair. ‘I’m sorry, Riley! This is all my fault!’
‘It’s not, Matthew. Not your—’
‘I let her out without me. Oh, Riley…Riley, please don’t die!’ He turned back to Nick. ‘I messed up—I always mess up! That’s why Mommy and Daddy don’t want me.’
‘That’s not true!’
Nick made up his mind. The laws about unassigned healings couldn’t be so inane as to apply to animals. And if they did, he didn’t care. He knelt down and placed his hands around Riley’s head. His entire body tingled with a pulsating light that started from his heart and radiated to his fingertips, which glowed as he pressed them gently against the puppy’s furry brow. He shut his eyes. Connected with Riley’s soul. It surprised him, how deep was the love a puppy felt for her master, how intense the memories. But there they were, strong as any human’s if not stronger. He had to take care not to send too much light into so young a puppy. A tear slid down Nick’s cheek. Joy and sadness.
‘Get up, Riley,’ he whispered. The light left him. The puppy’s breathing returned to normal, and she lifted her head.
‘Riley?’ Matthew’s face was alight with joy and wonder. ‘Riley!’ She rolled to her feet and let out a happy bark. Tail wagging furiously, she leapt into Matthew’s arms and proceeded to bathe his face with puppy kisses. Matthew finally managed to lower her enough to look up at Nick.
‘Wow, mister! That was awesome!’
‘Be careful crossing the street, okay?’ ‘Thanks for fixing up Riley. She’s good as new.'” ❤️
“In this world, it is too common for people to search for someone to lose themselves in. But I am already lost. I will look for someone to find myself in.” ❤️
(Caution ⚠️ Someone messaged me and said this video I made triggers headaches in some so please watch with Caution or not at all if you have any health issues that may be triggerd – I did put a caution even before someone said that because things like this can trigger sensory issues and seizures in some and probably various other things as well)
Just watch this video I made with glitchlabapp , mirrorlabapp , and movee and take deep, slow breaths. Breathe in slowly, through the nose for four seconds (1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi) while the abdomen expands. Hold for seven seconds (1 Mississippi-7 Mississippi), then breathe out even more slowly, through the mouth, for eight seconds while the ab gets flat. Focus on breath and when the mind wanders, gently bring it back to breath. It will wander even for those experienced with meditation & breathwork. I would recommend bending your arms at the elbows and squeezing shoulder blades together if you’re physically able to and safely, before beginning the exercise. It opens up the airways/chest and makes breathing easier. Also, for those inexperienced, it’s easiest to lay down and hardest to be standing.
This often works instantly to calm down or feel a sense of inner peace, stop tremors, and heart racing, even if not done properly. Takes practice and persistence to get it down perfectly. But all it takes is a few seconds for results. May not work for everyone.
Anyone with sensory issues or seizure issues or any other extra/special needs maybe shouldn’t watch this video and anyone with physical limitations or pain maybe shouldn’t try the shoulder blade exercise. These things should only be done if you know you can do them safely.
Anxiety can be a fullblown disorder or just a mood we all experience on occasion throughout life. It can be mild to severe and can manifest in various ways, physical sensations, tremors, feelings of fear or panic, heart palpitations, difficulty sleeping, a deathly feeling…it’s different on different occasions and different for everyone and it’s never pleasant and is very, very common.
Sending love, peace, & light to all, xoxo 💛🕉
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
Xoxo Kim
Is this your new site? Log in to activate admin features and dismiss this message
