Tag Archive | gift

Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’ – One Year <3

“What I am well that’s what I am.
I tell you, baby,
That’s just enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

“I choose to fight back! I choose to rise, not fall! I choose to live, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also within you.” ~ (Mayor John Pappas, City Hall movie quote)

Hello, lovelies,

Here is something I can’t believe I’m writing today. I never thought I would live to see today.
Never in my wildest dreams. I feel a tingling in my wrists.

Almost everyone who knows me knows of my super long battle with severe, suicidal depression. I have suffered with long term mild/moderate depression for much of my life with recurrent severe, despairing, debilitating long episodes of depression on top of that. Day after day, year after year. It was not truly everyday. It would go away now & again & I would be truly happy. But it would always return.

Many days I even had great self esteem, I liked myself, loved myself even, had no problems, everything was beautiful. I had passions & interests. But I wanted to be dead. Then it would go away & I would be happy, sometimes for months then it would be back, maybe for days, maybe for months before happiness would return.

Telling people doesn’t faze me. When I’m currently dangerously suicidal I don’t tell people usually, out if fear of being put away.

But I will tell people about the vicious darkness that has consumed me. And I will tell people about Hope & Healing.

I’m not embarrassed by this disease and it’s not pretty but I won’t conceal it. I spent hours upon hours a day for many years just fantasizing about ending my life, then happiness, then despair again, I have come so close on many occasions when fear would stop me, fear that it wouldn’t work and I would just be sick, injured, or paralyzed…

Some days I would be happy but still have hours of despair in the middle. And sometimes for weeks/months, I had no depression at all.

I am generally very happy. But I still struggle with the severe episodes. Not as frequently or as long usually But they still occur.

But today is October 1st. My last serious/semi serious suicidal thought/urge was one year ago, October 2012. I cannot remember the exact day. But I know it was in October. Since then I have experienced excruciating episodes of despair, depression, sometimes, But I kept hope alive. Knowing it will end and the sun will rise again.

I have been struggling for the last few days, feeling an episode coming on. I learned to usually detect impending episodes and be able to prevent a full blown one by monitoring and consciously changing my thinking and actions.

But it’s so hard. I keep feeling suicidal thoughts trying to emerge, not just brief, fleeting ones, but ones that I will begin to entertain and dwell on. Over a year ago they would have taken over by now. But somehow now I am managing keeping them at bay.

I know some of my triggers but it’s not always triggered by something necessarily, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.

Last night while I laid it bed, I wanted to let it just have me, have its way with me and succumb to depression and those suicidal thoughts trying to creep into me. It takes energy and motivation that I just don’t always have or feel like working on. Sometimes I don’t even want to.

This is more than just a low mood but it’s not a full blown episode. This is like what I often had before, not depression but almost. I still haven’t had one of those suicidal thoughts. Something keeps me going. I keep feeling so hopeful then hopeless then hopeful then hopeless. Then hopeful again.

I keep telling myself after all this, I won’t let myself succumb. One year is a big accomplishment for me. Those thoughts and urges were so much an integral part of me for well over a decade, off and on, that it’s incredible to think I finally lived a year without them coming & going. And because of work I did for myself. This thing has symptoms that must be managed just like other illnesses. It flares up every now & then. It comes & goes. But less than it used to.

Ever since I was a young girl I kept wishing over and over and over that I could go one year without those suicidal thoughts & urges returning but I never saw it happening. Until now. Yup, mind=blown. Lol

Depression, suicide contemplation are traumatic. All of it. Even recovery or remission is traumatic. It’s weird. It’s beautiful. It’s freaky. It’s unfathomable. Not having those thoughts day in and day out for months.

And I never get used to it. Every second of every day, almost, I realize how amazing it is to not only be alive but to actually want to be alive. To be happy in general. To have a strong will and desire to live.

I am overwhelmed. When I’m in immense physical pain or sickness and it goes away, I have this amazing feeling, a conscious awareness of not being sick or in pain. But after a while I usually go back to no longer being aware of it, consciously. I get used to it again.

But not this.

This, this never gets old. Not being in an almost constant state of depression, not having thoughts and urges to kill myself everyday all throughout the day, it never gets old. Even after a year, I am almost always conscious of it.

So much zest. So much life. So much passion. This is how it would always be when my depression would lift before coming back but now happiness is more frequent.

I still get depressed. But in general, I am the happiest girl in the whole USA! Lol ;-D

So much hope.

Pain is real. But so is hope.

I want anyone who is feeling hopeless about anything at all whether it’s something seemingly serious or something which seems trivial to know that thoughts and feelings and perspectives change. It may take work and it may not change right this second but you won’t be sad forever. Hold on, you got this.

Look where I was & look where I am. Look at me now! 😀

“Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider” ~ LeeAnn Womack

Go on, take chances. Live. Love. Maybe loving will be a mistake and you will be crushed, abandoned, rejected, ignored, devastated, not loved back…but love anyway. Live anyway.

Love doesn’t ask for changes, it doesn’t ask for favors or to be loved back, love doesn’t demand someone to think or feel or act a certain way. Love simply loves.

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you. ” ~ Norman Vincent Peale.

“I am 99.9% sure it will never get better. But it’s the 0.1% that keeps me going. ” ~ Unknown

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill

“If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane” ~ Jimmy Buffett

“Come Monday, it’ll be alright.” ~ Jimmy Buffett. (Jimmy Buffett mentioned that he wrote this song in a C.A. Hotel room when he was suicidal and it saved his life.& I am so thankful. ❤ .)

“For all those who don’t feel as old as they are and never will

I rounded first never thought of the worst
As I studied the shortstops position
Crack went my leg like the shell of an egg
Someone call a decent physician
Im no pete rose, I can’t pretend
Though my mind is quite flexible, these brittle bones don’t bend

Im growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead” ~Jimmy Buffett

“Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

I could pay off my tab
Pour myself in a cab and be back to work before 2
At a moment like this, I can’t help but wonder
What would Jimmy Buffett do?

Jimmy Buffett spoken:
Funny you should ask, Alan
I’d say
Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care

Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
He don’t care
And I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: What time zone am I on?
What country am I in?

Alan: It doesn’t matter

It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: It’s always on five in Margaritaville, come to think of it

Alan: I heard that

Jimmy: You’ve been there haven’t you?

Alan: Yes, Sir

Jimmy: I’ve seen your boat there

Alan: I’ve been to Margaritaville a few times

Jimmy: All right.
That’s good

Alan: Stumbled my way back

Jimmy: OK Just want to make sure you can keep it between the
navigational beacons

Alan: Between the buoys.
I got it

Jimmy: All right.

It’s five o’clock.
Let’s go somewhere

Alan: I’m ready.
Crank it up

Jimmy: Let’s get out of here

Alan: I’m gone” ~ Alan Jackson/Jimmy Buffett

This song never fails to uplift me.
And this one:

“Well you know those times when you feel like
There’s a sign there on your back
That says I don’t mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can’t get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don’t know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That’s when you learn the truth

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I’ve been deep down in that darkness
I’ve been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin’ fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I’d fall right into the trap
That they were layin’

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long
You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’
Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going” Rodney Atkins

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~ Alice Cooper

” I fearlssly walk into battle
With a shine on my boots and my teeth
Never flinch, never blink, never rattle
My blood is like ice underneath

Oh, I’m the reincarnation of patten
And I’ve got Hannibal’s heart in my chest
God told me I would have rivaled
Alexander the great at his best.” ~ Alice Cooper

”
But you and me ain’t no movie stars.
What we are is what we are.
We share a bed,
Some lovin’,
And TV, yeah.
And that’s enough for a workin’ man.
What I am is what I am.
And I tell you, babe,
Well that’s enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

Good day to you all.
P.s. This auto correct on my phone is more insane than I am, constantly changing words to weird things, even changing words to completely different words & bizarre symbols out of nowhere and spelling correct words incorrectly. Luckily I usually catch it before hitting send but occasionally I don’t and am embarrassed if I am writing to someone I don’t know well. The worst is when it changes a word to a different version. It changes “their” to “they’re” so embarrassing! Lol. It recently changed “unfazed” to “phased”! Seriously?! Shit’s off the walls! Thanks auto correct! Thanks a lot, I just love being mortified! It wrote this one day “jesus_20267475.html”. I saved it to show people. Lol I wrote some ordinary word and auto correct deleted it and wrote that thing! Whhhaatt?! Yup, my phone has lost its marbles! I guess we’re made for each other.

;-D. Remember, when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

Blue skies ahead.

Hope lives here.

Everlasting Essence

Jun14

It has been said that whatever you do for yourself dies with you but what you do for others lives on forever.

And it’s true that the messages and inspiration and impact that some people have on the world lives and breathes long after the people themselves have died.

I think often of some of the most inspirational people I have never met. I haven’t met them but their lives have impacted me just
the same.

And not only me but many, many people have been positively affected by these people.

A few of the people whose lives are everlasting inspirational messages that touch the lives of many and will live on and on and on are:

Norman Vincent Peale (famous for “The Power of Positive Thinking”)

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you. “

“There is a giant in every person, and nothing can get this giant down unless that giant is kept down by himself.”

“Help other people to cope with their own problems and your own will be easier to cope with.”

Stephen R. Covey (famous author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”)

“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise.”

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

Mr. Huie is still alive and I receive his beautiful e-mails every morning. His page is a collection of his own thoughts and the thoughts of others that he appreciates. His messages are so uplifting, warm, firm, and gentle. And so beautiful. Many dark nights I have struggled with depression, loneliness, and despair. I would lay wide awake in bed but feeling half dead and so broken when suddenly my phone would start flashing and I would check and see one of his wonderful e-mails and it would bring me so much comfort and love.

The man inspires me so deeply. He is the most grateful person I ever met. (actually never met).

He expresses gratitude for his entire life good and bad and every aspect and he embraces all that he is and is so grateful for himself. He stated that he is grateful for literally everything that has ever happened to him. Every single thing. Every tragedy. Every heartbreak. Every love. Every tear. Every breath. Every beautiful gift. This IS to live, breathe, and BE loving gratitude.

I am friends with him on Facebook and I have also “liked” his “like” page.

Please see his page and share it. I cherish this man and his life.

Let me bring peace into moments of chaos.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I reach toward the shining mountains,
beyond the fog of daily worries.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I do not need anyone’s permission to be my true self.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I sail the seas of life as the MASTER of my ship.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I give thanks for both my bloom and my thorns.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I am one with the Earth,
with the Water, with the Fire,
with the Air that I breathe,
with all Living Things,
and we are all one with Spirit.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I sometimes think what if these great people never came into the world. Or what if they did but they neglected to express their inspiration and thoughts out of fear? Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule? Fear of criticism. Fear that no one will listen. Fear…..

And these people are/were in fact criticized. Both constructively and destructively. And that’s ok. I have read the criticisms, hear of the criticism.
No matter how great, amazing, and beautiful a person is and no matter how positive the message, the person and message will be criticized by others. Not everyone will always gratefully receive ideas, even great ones. And that’s ok.
If they gave into fear, we would not have their beauty surrounding us today.

Do you have a message you want to put out into the world to touch people for the better?

Go ahead. Don’t you hold back. Write a book. Make a video. Create a blog or website. Share Facebook statuses or other social media content. Get your message out there. Tell anyone you can! You can be sure you will receive some criticism. And not all constructive. Some will be just plain vicious. And unnecessary. But that’s ok. That tells us a little something about those negative critics, and tells us nothing about you.

Your message, your life, your story defines you. The callousness of others does not.

Every person is a different light to the world. And when a person dies, the world is a little colder. A little darker. For that light of that person is gone. Forever. But there are new people coming into the world every day. Every second. With new lights coming into the world. So the world will never be completely dark or cold. That’s the good thing. No light can replace another. No person can replace another. But each light and each person can touch the world in unique ways that other ones cannot. The world is never lost. Never dead. Never alone. There is always someone. There is always light.

I want to be that girl. The one with a message that lives on long after I do. Somehow. Some way. Like Dr. Peale’s and Dr. Covey’s. And Jonathan Lockwood Huie’s. And I want to honor their lives and the lives of many other motivational/inspirational speakers and great thinkers dead and alive by sharing their messages, quotes, writings, stories, and essence with others.

Do I agree with everything all of these people profess and believe and think? No. But I still receive their warm inspiration and their beauty and their positive impact and I want to share their lives with all who will let me and in the process create my own everlasting message.

What I do believe in is their underlying message of gratitude, positivity, compassion, caring for others, and love. I believe in it with my whole heart, every square inch of my being, my very essence. They say different things in different ways but their true message is the same: working for a better world for all of us.

And I want you to know that you have the potential to impact many, many lives just as they do. You already are impacting people. You don’t have to be as famous as they are or even famous at all. You don’t have to be popular or well known. And your message does not have to reach people at the magnitude theirs do for you to make this world a better place. You don’t need an educational degree or any certain profession or job. You don’t have to be professional writers or doctors like them. All you need is YOU. Just to be you and the courage to speak your truth.

Much love to you.

This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine.

Xoxo Kim

“Arthur Christmas” & a beautiful life lesson <3

Dec19

On one of the blogs I read called “Positively Present” an author of one of the entries/articles makes a short list comprised of some of her favorite Christmas movies and the life lessons they convey.

They’re not all just about holiday cheer and decorations and presents galore! They convey important life lessons that we can all benefit by being reminded of.

For example on the list is Rudolph’s story and about how he was bullied for being “different” and how it’s ok to be different and we should accept and cherish diversity.

And the Grinch movie shows how a person can be persuaded by the better and have a softer and warmer heart, by the attitudes and love of others.

I loved reading the list and descriptions of the movies and decided to add one of my own that is not on that list.

“Arthur Christmas”

When I saw this movie in the theatre I found it so sweet and incredibly entertaining but it also has a wonderful and beautiful message. In the movie Santa Clause delivers presents to children around the globe but one little girl is forgotten when there is some sort of glitch and her present falls and never makes it to Santa’s sleigh. Arthur wants to get this gift to the little girl so that she will not be excluded and heartbroken on Christmas day when she wakes up and realizes she was forgotten. People throughout the movie state that she’s only one child and it doesn’t matter to forget one person because the person is only one. But Arthur stands his ground even in the face of obstacles and is determined to stay true to the idea that every person matters. Every person is special and every person is someone and should be made to feel important and happy.

This beautiful message is so true. People are not only important in a collective sense. Every single individual person is important and matters to the world and others. No one is “just a person”. Every person deserves to be acknowledged and loved and never forgotten or regarded as unimportant.

This is not merely about a material Christmas gift.

I believe we should all go out of our way to help someone who is in need even if we don’t know that person. If you think of yourself and your own family and friends, you see that you have a story and you have a life and needs & desires and so do all your family and friends. And so do strangers. People you never met or do not know well are no different in the sense that they too have emotions and feelings and needs and desires and they all deserve equal consideration and attention.

So let’s always remember that, not just during the holiday season but all year long. ❤

If you want to check out the list and the Positively Present blog, please go here:

http://www.positivelypresent.com/2012/12/holiday-movie-lessons.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PositivelyPresent+%28positively+present%29

Sorry the link is not clickable; I’m not sure how to do that yet. But it is a beautiful blog full of inspiration & uplifting content! ❤

“Always go the extra mile. It’s never crowded.” ~Unknown

“I wondered why someone didn’t do something. Then I realized, I am someone.”

I hope you all have a beautiful day/night!! It’s at night here in Philadelphia, Pa where I am!

X0x0ox Kim <33 🙂 😀

What if You Won $86,400 Every Day for Life? {sharing} <3

Dec18

This is NOT something I wrote and I don’t know who the wonderful author is. But I find it extremely inspirational and I would love to share and help inspire others! <3. Sharing is caring. 😀

What if You Won $86,400 Every Day for Life?

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:

Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use.

However, this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be:

Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you.

You may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.

The second set of rules:

The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,

Its over, the game is over!

It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?

Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?

Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?

ACTUALLY, this GAME is REALITY!

Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can’t seem to see it. The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!

Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. What we haven’t lived up that day is forever lost. Yesterday is forever gone.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time…. without warning.

So, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Aren’t they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?

Think about that, and always think of this:

Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Oct3

Well, not really. Not just yet but this girl can dream. 😉

I love how it feels like the season is changing now. To me, it’s incredibly beautiful when the seasons are in the process of changing. I know it’s supposed to get extremely hot again soon, like 80 degrees or whatever but for the last couple of days, it seems that fall is finally in the air after what, to me has felt like a long hot scorching summer. Summer is sweet! But I’m ready for cool weather, candy corn, delicious caramel apples, pumpkin spice coffee (which I am enjoying right now!!), hoodies, cold nights, crisp brightly colorful leaves, pumpkins, scarecrows….and even Santa Claus, pine trees, apple cinnamon, glistening snow, gingerbread people, Winter Wonderland, mistletoe, jingle bells, cozy, warm blankets at night, and cheesy, sappy old Christmas/holiday cheer music…and More!!! Yay!! Lol

I’m like a little girl deep in my heart! I get thrilled over simple pleasures and little kiddie things!! Lol But that’s alright! <3. Those are things that so many people overlook and outgrow or just feel too old for. But the truth is, we’re never too old to let that inner child run wild!

I’m just about over the excessive heat, air conditioners, bikinis, pools, sprinklers, bbq’s, longer hours of daylight, extreme humidity (eww), sticky haze, and all that good stuff. I’m ready to kiss it all goodbye until we meet again next year! 🙂

I find that the fall and winter seasons deeply inspire me.

There’s just so much to be happy about and look forward to in the fall and winter. Like all those little things I mentioned above!

And after a year goes by I find myself ecstatic as the season approaches.

I just love the feel in the air.

🙂

I have already downloaded some holiday music! Christmas songs are the best!!

I will never outgrow the thrill of holidays and festivities! Lolz!

This nearing season is like the world’s gift to me! ❤

This year, I will search for some fun seasonal activities or projects. I’m horribly unskilled at arts and crafts, drawing, creativity or whatever but that doesn’t mean I can’t still have fun and do all that anyway! 🙂

Last night my sister and me went to A.C. Moore and bought lots of Fall themed arts and crafts material to decorate with. We got an old pair of stiletto shoes and decorated them to look real pretty! And we’re quite proud of our accomplishments!

Another thing I would very much love to do is volunteer work helping people.

I looked online and found a hospital close to me where they need volunteers to work at the desk and comfort patients in like the emergency room.

That would warm my heart to help hurting people in situations like that.

I am in the process of filling out the application. It’s just that it’s kind of like getting a job I think. Even though it’s not paid work. So since I don’t have much work experience in that kind of environment I may not get chosen. But it certainly won’t hurt to try!

Xoxoxo Kim ❤