Tag Archive | pain

Random parts of me <3

A while ago I did a blog “challenge” called “If you really knew me…” (https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2013/01/12/if-you-really-knew-me-3/ )
which is a list of things about the person that people may or may not know. I decided to do another one with more random facts about me! 😀

If you really knew me, you would know….

I love the sounds of the city especially at night. The cars and voices and laughing, the music…It all stands out to me in a profound, beautiful way. I love laying in bed late at night and hearing people out in the back or out in the streets, talking and laughing and living. There’s something amazing about knowing that people are awake and alive while I’m in bed at night.

Rain is one of the greatest loves of my life. Sometimes I can’t quite find the words to describe the depth of joy it brings me and the thrill that surges through me when it rains. Or even looks or feels like it may rain. I am exhilarated by the mere thought of rain. I feel so alive in the rain. So secure. So liberated. Whenever I walk in rain or mist I am completely free. No matter what may be going on, no matter what fears or concerns are troubling me then, they disappear into the rain. Every insecurity I have that comes and goes, temporarily, goes out the window when I walk alone with raindrops pelting upon my soft skin, streaking my long hair, kissing every inch of me.
And I become the rain.
Something about it is so protective like nothing bad can ever happen to me when it’s raining. The sounds, the scents, the tastes, the feel, the look…it’s all so perfect.

Dreams – I often remember my dreams, always have. I rarely have nightmares, almost never. Sometimes my dreams know things before I do in life, and they send their wisdom to me during my slumbering hours. Sometimes I don’t consciously realize something or I’m convinced of something that isn’t true and I go to sleep and it’s there that the answers manifest. Sometimes I get depressed and suicidal and believe I want so desperately to die and I sleep and I dream. This recurring dream that comes often when I’m depressed. A Dream that someone is trying to kill me and in my dream I desperately want to live. In my dream I do everything to survive, whatever it takes. I run, hide, do things that are impossible in my reality, I find solutions when I think there are none. The emotion, the desperation, the Will is so strong, so overwhelming. So real. When I wake up I know what this dream is telling me. To live.
Once, I had a dream about myself. I was torn about a decision I made. I wasn’t sure what to do. Deep inside me I felt that I knew the truth but still wasn’t sure. I felt a voice deep inside me, I heard it say to listen to my intuition, to surrender to that pull, that tugging deep within, it always knows what I need, want, desire, crave. It knows best. My deep wisdom inside me, in places I’m not all conscious of, knows what’s best for me. It whispers quietly, gently, waiting for me to receive. Waiting for me to welcome it with a completely open heart and let it sink deeper into me.
When the uncertainty and pain and negativity and fears and defeat and demands of society, life, and others are screaming loudly, blood-curdling screams, that quiet, gentle whispering wisdom is more powerful, still.
I’ll never forget that dream and I carry it with me, every day.
My sleepy dreams are why I have a B.A. Degree in philosophy.

Cold – I get cold so easily. In 100 degree weather a light wind can blow and I can become freezing wishing I had a hoodie. I also can’t tolerate cold like most people can. Although cold weather is some of my favorite weather. I’m always wanting to turn the air conditioning off, open windows to let the warmth of the sun stream in. One morning, recently, I woke up in my bed in 80 something degree weather wrapped in three quilts with my air conditioner turned as low as possible and my bedroom door wide open with just a ceiling fan swirling.

I’m a city girl and no place will ever have my heart more than my own city but for my whole life I have felt drawn to the countryside, to the warm South. I have always loved Texas though I never laid eyes on it. I will visit one day and make it a point to visit again and again.
I always dreamed of Texas and I feel a deep pull in me to be there. I yearn for the quietude, the green, the southern accents, the nature all around…my dream is to live there part of every year, probably in the Summer. One day a novel found its way into my arms completely randomly and unlikely, like magic, and I read it and it takes place in Texas and is one of my favorite books and made me want even more to go there.
I also feel drawn to Aspen, Colorado and my dream is to visit some Winter again and again. I long for the cold, the glistening snow, the pine.
I find it so beautiful how I can be so deeply drawn, mysteriously called to people, places, and things and not know why at a conscious level but something deep inside me must know.

I have a strong stomach and like to seriously gross people out just for shits and giggles. My mom and sister don’t have such strong stomachs and when I see or think of something that I know would make them disgusted or queasy I burst out laughing and run to tell them. One day my dog threw up and as I was cleaning it, I described to them, in great detail, the contents of it and said “MmmmMmm this is making me hungry…!” they were so disgusted and appalled.

I think everything is hilarious. I laugh everyday and play annoying, immature jokes on people. Taking my mom’s phone when she isn’t looking, talking in silly voices to my sister that annoys her, sending dumb or perverted jokes in text messages….lol

I love poetry, especially obscure poetry with a kind of darkness to it. I love when the meaning of the poem isn’t very obvious but seems to make some kind of sense. When the author doesn’t explain it and allows the readers to interpret however they will and guess and wonder at the author’s intention or just make up their own meaning to it.. I like to write poetic things which have a certain meaning to me but if I allowed someone to read them I would like the person to apply his/her own meaning.

I love to read and am deeply inspired by just about everything I read. My brain hungrily devours the words and concepts on the pages. When I read novels I fall in love with the characters and the places in the books. I miss them when the book is over. And days, weeks, years later I still cherish the memories of reading certain books that have spoken volumes to my heart and living in the book’s world when I did. I find reading to be very comforting. To be wrapped up in another world, another place, another time. I am sad when the book ends. I feel a kind of emptiness.
But I like it. I love being touched so deeply.
Before I usually wouldn’t even read novels. I saw no point. I only wanted educational stuff but I’m happy I changed. I was really, really missing out. I love books with profound messages, valuable life lessons, beautiful writing, characters with true substance, page turners that I’m happy to fall asleep with and thrilled to wake up to.

If the only way I were able to live is to be supported with feeding tubes and plugged into machines, I would still choose life not because I’m afraid to die or let go but because I have a will to survive and my life can still be beautiful and valuable even if I need extra help.
Brain dead, which is often as good as dead, is not the same as brain damaged or disabled. So if I’m not brain dead in significant ways I would choose life.

Sometimes I have difficulty sleeping at night because of happy thoughts. Thoughts that are so overwhelmingly positive I want to get up and dance, jump for joy, blast sappy love songs into the night, because I’m bursting with love and gratitude for all of life. Because I just read a good book or am in the middle of reading one, because I can’t stop thinking about wonderful inspirational, uplifting quotes I have come across, because I think of sunsets and sunrises and life itself, because I think of beautiful people I know, have known, and want to know, because my music won’t stop playing to let me rest….sometimes I actually do get up at 1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and dance around my room in the dark with my earphones in or dance in the bathroom and it annoys my sister when she comes through my room to get into the bathroom and I’m in there bouncing off the walls. I’m not manic, just happy. 😀 i find it not in my best interest to do gratitude meditations, even sleep ones, at night because they keep me up with all the goodness that comes flooding into me. I’m just bursting at the seams some nights, like a child who can’t sleep because she wants to get up and play.

I can fall asleep anywhere and sleep through anything, on a public transportation bus with screaming kids, on the floor of a crowded public place, outside, in class when I was in college(I got in trouble more than once for sleeping in class), with music blasting, at someone else’s house, with dogs barking….lol
And if I get woken up I can easily go right back to sleep.

I love when people are raw and open and honest about themselves and share their life story, proudly displaying their names and faces, not holding back. It’s deeply inspiring to see/hear/read people spilling their lives and hearts to all who will
listen. I want people to know my name, to know me, the good, the bad,the ugly,the beautiful

“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open.” ~ Muriel Rukeyser

Xoxo Kim

Tomorrow Is Today <3

Jul15

(this isn’t my photo – I found it on Google images)

One of my favorite singers is Billy Joel. I love, love, LOVE his songs. Billy Joel is a very loving person, so many of his songs are about love, often romantic love. Not all of them are happy love songs but they’re still beautiful. Some seem to be about rejection or unrequited love.

His song, released in 1971, “Tomorrow Is Today” is his real suicide note that he decided to put music to and turn into a song.

YouTube video for the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=b9WAQHn_gmo

It’s a beautiful song riddled with his pain and despair. He attempted suicide and fortunately lived. This song “Tomorrow Is Today” is about how every day is the same, nothing new, nothing good so there’s no point in living. I understand this deeply. There are many days I have felt every day is the same, bland, blah, full of pain, anguish, misery and so what’s the point. But there are many days I felt every day is the same but loved this beautiful life for it. Everyday is full of beauty, love, simplicity and I can’t wait to wake up each day to it. When every day is packed with joy, love, and beauty, it doesn’t matter if each day is identical. It’s enough.

“I don’t care to know the hour
‘Cause it’s passing anyway
I don’t have to see tomorrow
‘Cause I saw it yesterday”

This line:

“Still I’m waiting for the morning
But it feels so far away
And you don’t need the love I’m giving
So tomorrow is today.”

Sometimes it seems we wait and wait and wait for something that just won’t come. It’s like an eternity away.

‘And you don’t need the love I’m giving so tomorrow is today.’

I know the feeling, as I think many/most people do, of wanting something I don’t have, attempting something and not succeeding, loving someone who doesn’t love me back…

Billy Joel sings that someone doesn’t need the love he’s giving and so tomorrow is today. Everyday is bland or painful because the target of his love shows no interest in receiving or returning it. This can feel so lifeless.

I think this is a common problem so many people know. Giving and giving only to not receive any appreciation. Loving and loving and not being loved in return. Wanting and wanting but never getting.

And while these things are excruciatingly painful, we can learn to cope with them and realize that we don’t need a specific target for our love. And we don’t need to give merely to receive. The mere feeling and act of giving and loving is satisfaction enough, rewarding enough with no expectation of getting something more for it. We can bask in and soak in the love deep inside, extending it to everything and everyone we can. It’s amazing to have specific people and things to love. But those aren’t the only things to love.

Just feel the love coursing through your veins every second of every day for each moment, even without a specific object. It’s just there. Living and breathing in you. Love for all living sentient beings, for this life itself, for the uncertainty and the beauty surrounding you. For heartbreak, hope & healing. This feeling of immense love can be masked by other feelings, painful emotions and thoughts, at some points but it can be summoned to the consciousness again and again.

We don’t need gratitude for our gratitude or appreciation for our appreciation, love for our love. We don’t need to receive to give.

The person Billy Joel loves in his song may not love him back or show any sense of reception of his love but he can take all that love he has and put it out into the world, lavish it on all those who do need it. Someone out there somewhere needs his love. He can turn it on himself and bask in the beauty of his own love. And it doesn’t matter if that person needs his love or not, he can still go on loving her/him….
It can be painful but also beautiful.
Rejection hurts. Abandonment hurts. Not being known hurts.
But Love heals.

It’s incredible that tomorrow is today and yesterday is tomorrow when every day is soaked in Love.

Loving someone who doesn’t know you exist or doesn’t return your love, wanting something you never seem to get, giving and not receiving can contribute to someone wanting to just lay down and die but we can take that loving energy and reverse it, let it fuel us to live instead. To live more, love more, give more. Shifting our perspective to view loving as more important than being loved, giving is more important than receiving, and appreciating is more important than being appreciated.

Receiving love and appreciation are also great but if you don’t feel loved or appreciated for whatever reason you don’t have to lay down and die. Let your own love revive you and breathe in you.

When there’s so much deep love just bubbling in my core it’s often hard to feel anything else. It’s hard to loathe anyone or wish bad things for anyone, even those who do things I don’t like.

I can still stand up for and speak out against things, constructively criticize things, disagree with and debate while still feeling/expressing love.

“Oh, my. Goin’ to the river
Gonna take a ride and the Lord will deliver me
Made my bed, now I’m gonna lie in it
If you don’t come, I’m sure gonna die in it
Too late. Too much given‘
I’ve seen a lot of life and I’m damn sick of livin’ it
I keep hopin’ that you will pass my way”

I get the feeling that when he falls hard for someone, gives someone all his love and it’s not returned to him, it really takes a toll, it depresses him, breaks him, even to the point of suicide contemplation and attempts. When he can’t have someone he wants in his life it drives him to just fall to pieces. But as I mentioned when this happens, we can take our love and direct it at ourselves and the universe as a whole. This is so healing. It won’t take away our pain completely or make us forget the ones we love who abandon or reject us but it can help us heal while helping others be/feel loved.

You can’t give too much love.

Sometimes people have an interest in developing a platonic friendship with someone who has no interest in being friends with the person, sometimes it’s a romantic love interest not returned, some days it’s doing extra work for someone who couldn’t seem to care less, writing blog posts or creating YouTube videos or posts on any social media that don’t get much attention or get negative attention, applying for schools or jobs and being rejected….all of these things can be devastating to different people in different ways, to different depths and degrees.

But don’t give up! Whatever you do, say, however you love will resonate with someone, somewhere, someday, somehow. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday. Hold on.

Someone out there can and will love someone just like you and needs, desires, craves exactly what you have to offer whether it’s the kind of friend you can be, the kind of lover you are, the abilities and qualities you have that are perfect for some jobs, your writing, your ideas, your points of views and angles of looking at things.

Your beauty is valuable to this world.

And someone out there somewhere needs you.

We all have different kinds of personalities that are compatible
With and appealing to certain other personalities but not other ones.

Some people will love you, want you, crave you, need you and some won’t. That goes for all of us.

“And some day if your dreams are leavin’ you
I’ll still believe in you.”

This is a perfect example of love and loving someone unconditionally, even when that someone may not love us back.

We can still believe in that person and wish the best for him/her. If I truly love someone I want the person to be happy even when I’m not the reason for that happiness. I will still believe in the person even when that person doesn’t believe in or love me Or her/himself.

As painful as it can be, it’s also quite liberating.

In 1985, Billy Joel had another song released called “You’re Only Human (Second Wind).”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=3AG_ororx8E

It was written to remind people to never give up, that suicide isn’t the answer. Ever. It’s never the way to go. Sooner or later you’ll get your second wind. You may want to lay down and die now but later things will start looking up and it’s worth waiting for.

“It’s not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You’re gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It’s alright, it’s alright
Though you feel your heart break
You’re only human, you’re gonna have to deal with heartache.”

As long as we live we will experience pain, heartbreak, loneliness….and that’s ok.

“You’ve been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you’re thinking everything’s gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along.”

No matter how bad things get or feel, how much it hurts, how much you want to die, things can get better if you just hold on.

Hold on til that second wind comes along!

Xoxo Kim

P.s. It’s so weird I’m listening to my old memory card with different songs on it and I forgot what songs are on it and as I was writing that above paragraph, the song randomly came on! The “You’re Only Human (Second Wind)” song by Billy Joel!! 😀

You and me are the real heroes

Jul4

I saw a quote a while ago that I can’t seem to find anywhere. I think I even shared it on Facebook. It’s something that says something along the lines of
Superman is not a true hero, he is invincible, literally indestructible, he can’t be broken or conquered, he doesn’t have the ability to be overcome. The true heroes are people like you and me who can be broken, defeated, hurt everyday but we choose to take risks, carry on, share our stories anyway. We choose to live knowing we can and probably will be broken again and again.

I love this concept and it’s true. I was thinking about it recently when I was thinking about depression and my physical pain disorder that comes and goes. I’m generally very happy, positive, and joyful but I still experience random episodes of severe depression which I feel violate and contradict my true happy personality I had since I was a little girl. Sometimes I wonder if experiencing episodes of depression is an indication that I’m weak. When all of a sudden I don’t want to get out of bed or take pictures or go out or put makeup on or even go on living sometimes. This is not always true when I am depressed! Sometimes I do still want to get out of bed, see people, socialize, take pictures, read..depending upon the kind I have then. Usually it is not the numbing or worst kind.

Especially when the episode isn’t triggered by any environmental factor that I know of, or is triggered by a memory/thought, I think of the people with “real” problems, the tragedies they experience but they still want to live and post pictures online and go on social media pages and do everything they always did. This is a great strength they have. To suffer but still carry on. I can’t believe some of the horrors people experience and they share their stories, wisdom, and life lessons on social media outlets with pictures of themselves smiling brightly and sharing their joy and pain and I can’t believe the strength they find in themselves.

But it doesn’t mean that someone with depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder or addiction of any sort or any other mental health condition is weak. Even when we have a flare up or relapse. It’s just a different kind of problem. Mental heath disorders are some of the worst things because they crush our spirit. Even with physical problems, grief and loss, and other things it’s possible to still be ultimately happy while enduring it along with the sadness as long as the person doesn’t becomes clinically depressed. That uplifted spirit can remain.

But with mental disorders like depression even when everything is going well for the person, it’s a disease or condition of the “mind.” We can sometimes succeed in keeping a kind of positive attitude even with it but unlike with physical pain and even grief, it’s literally a thing of the mind or brain so it’s nearly impossible to separate the depression and a happy outlook. Depression consumes all so there’s seemingly no happiness or positive feelings or joy or pleasure.

I’m not weak when I’m depressed. I still go on even when it seems I don’t want to. I still laugh. I practice techniques that help me and I still try to help others. This is actually a strength.

And when I’m in so much physical agony because of my facial pain disorder that, like depression, comes & goes completely, that I don’t sleep for days and scream til my throat is raw, punching and slapping myself over and over for hours because I don’t know what else to do when the severe aching, burning, stabbing, throbbing, pounding in the one side of my face, eye, ear, head, won’t let up for a split second, I’m not weak. I still carry on. I still grasp and hold onto any slither of hope I can find in me that it will end or I will learn to cope and live with it.

I can choose to completely give up hope, to stop living, to let it make me bitter, to succumb completely and not get back up, to let it take over my life. But I don’t. I choose to pro-act. To ultimately get back up, to move forward, to smile and learn and share my stories and lessons learned in the hope of inspiring others.

Screaming in pain doesn’t make me weak. Collapsing with my face in my hands, banging my head against walls doesn’t make me weak, sinking into despair doesn’t because I get back up. Just like I always have. Just like I always will.

If you ever think you are weak because you have a sickness either physical or mental/emotional/psychological or a relapse of some sort, because you fall or fail or break or succumb to your bed or to the floor in utter despair, when you’re tired and worn out and ragged, when you’re exhausted and uninspired and shattered, remember you always get back up and move forward and learn and teach and carry on. You’re still here!

You choose to seek help or to handle it on your own if you can and keep moving. That’s a strength.

When you experience something traumatic or painful or devastating and live to tell about it, sharing your story with others, reach out, learn lessons, and carry on, that is a strength, not a weakness!

Never getting sad, never getting angry, being fearless, not having the ability to hurt or kill, being invincible….those aren’t strengths.

Strength is being sad and afraid and angry and crushed but still going on, finding a way to still be happy eventually, seeing beauty through the tears, finding joy in the sorrow, finding pieces of perfection in the flaws.
Strength is having the ability to break but putting yourself together more whole than ever. With all the cracks and scars and flaws but being even more beautiful for them.
Strength is being able to hurt someone but choosing not to or saying sorry in a genuine way when you do.
Strength is how we react positively to our unpleasant situations. It’s our hopeful attitude, it’s the love and life we choose instead of choosing to become constantly bitter and give up.

It’s you and me, not a fantastical superhero who literally can’t be destroyed. He literally has nothing to fear.

Physical strength and other power doesn’t make someone strong or a hero. It’s how people use their power and strength. How they choose not to abuse it to overpower others when it would be so easy and so tempting.

We all have some sort of power to hurt others in some way. And sometimes it’s so tempting when someone makes us angry. But we can summon the wisdom and love in us and not abuse our power to hurt and destroy. Sometimes that’s the more difficult choice. And choosing the harder but more loving option is an even greater sign of strength.

“What makes Superman a hero is not that he has power, but that he has the wisdom and the maturity to use the power wisely. From an acting point of view, that’s how I approached the part.” ~
Christopher Reeve

Wishing you much love, hope, strength, wisdom, and courage today.

Xoxo Kim

Ugly-beautiful

Jun25

“And she’s so pretty cause she will never be…
She’s so pretty to me, to me, to me.
It doesn’t matter what everybody sees.” ~ Jude

I’m reading a novel called “My Grandfather’s Eyes.” I don’t know which page I’m on since it’s a Kindle book on my phone and the Kindle books don’t always show a page number. I don’t even know how many pages are in the book. I’m not at the very beginning but not quite to the middle. I know because of the virtual line showing reading progress.

What I read up until now is thoroughly beautiful. The main character, Alexandra or Alex, is something like a psychopath. She’s around thirty-two years old. Alex has no concern, love, affection, care, empathy, or any positive emotion for anyone in the world except for one person, her best friend Lizzy. She loves Elizabeth, or Lizzy, more than anything and anyone else in the entire world and would even die for her if she had to to save Liz’s life. They were best friends since Kindergarten and Alex was always in love with Lizzy but never acted on her romantic interest in her.
Alex was born with a facial deformity, a bump on her forehead and dark moles, some of which are hairy, and grow darker and bigger across the side of her face as the years go on. Alex’s dad took her when she was a little girl, to a cosmetic surgeon to have them removed but Alex refused. She has always loved her moles.

Even as a young woman in college, she cherishes her deformity, she thinks they add to her beauty. But it has always hurt her how most other people would react to her for her whole life, even her own family, her own mom. Many just stare while others say cruel things to and about her.

What I read until now leaves me to believe, for now(i think later she may go on a killing spree or something but not sure), that Alex is more indifferent to people than vicious or cruel, although she does think about and desire killing certain people and she murders her own husband who she was never in love with but he truly loved her. The two loves of her life have always been reading and Lizzy.

She doesn’t care about other people’s pain, she shows no empathy or concern when others come to her with problems or when she witnesses someone suffering. Sometimes she just doesn’t care and sometimes she actually takes pleasure in it. She’s somewhat sadistic. She has absolutely no regard for human life.

Except Liz’s life. She cries for her when she’s hurt or when she misses her.

Lizzy is a beautiful, thin girl, with long blonde hair, flawless in appearance except for one thing. In high school she made a mistake in chemistry class and burned her hand up her arm which caused severe damage and is now disfigured. She thinks it’s repulsive but Alex finds it beautiful in the same way she knows her own deformity is beautiful. Lizzy is aggressive and funny. She’s intelligent but doesn’t care to display her intelligence. She’s also a thief.

Alex’s facial deformity doesn’t and never has fazed Lizzy. And Lizzy defends Alex when people stare or say rude things. She even kisses Alex goodbye on her “ugliest” and biggest mole.

“As I try to read, there is one thought that overwhelms me: He did not look at my moles. I am sure of this. There is only one other person who does not see them. My Lizzy.” ~ Alex

This may just be the most beautiful line in the book. I just love how she says “does not see them” Instead of “does not look at them” or “does not have a problem with them…” It’s just they don’t see them. They look straight through and see her for her.

The book is Alex reminiscing and telling us about different stages of her life, flashing back and forth.

What I find beautiful is that the author shows how beauty can be found in ugly things or ugly things can be beautiful themselves. There is beauty in pain and darkness, in sadness, and struggles. Sometimes we can overlook “ugliness” and see the beauty in it or we can actually see “ugly” things, themselves, as beautiful. Maybe something is beautiful because it’s sad or dark or unusual or different.

She loves reading so much that her decision for which university to attend is based on the beautiful library.

“…the Gothic Hall complete with turrets and gargoyles – where I will study English Literature. It is ugly-beautiful and will suit me very well. A fitting place in which to study the works of great authors. I feel the hairs bristle on the back of my neck with the excitement it generates in me.” ~ Alex

It’s beautiful because it’s ugly. It’s dark and aggressive and enthralling.

And even though Alex is like a psycho, her self-love is so very beautiful to me. She’s extremely arrogant but also has genuine love for all that she is in and out. She embraces her ugliness and flaws and refuses to conceal them for what others think and say.

Some people mistake self-love as conceit or arrogance but this character, Alex, with both traits, arrogance and genuine self love, is an embodiment of the sharp difference. Arrogance isn’t love. Someone can be arrogant or act arrogant but have no true love for herself and someone can love herself and not be arrogant. Alex is both. She even admits that she “wears her arrogance like a badge.” But she genuinely appreciates her own physical features and her personality traits. She’s an intellectual with no patience for simple, less intelligent minds and trivial drama.

I also like how Alex isn’t a very beautiful character on the inside but there’s so much beauty to be seen in her anyway. The novel isn’t about a sweet, loving, innocent girl who lives a life of goodness but happens to have a physical deformity where the author plays on our empathy to overlook her physical ugliness but see straight through to her obviously beautiful loving heart of gold and love her anyway.

That would be easy.

This? This is challenging because beneath her physical deformity lies a deformed or ugly heart as well. But it’s impossible not to see incredible traits in her anyway. Like her self love even though she was tormented for being deformed her whole life, her indestructible love for her best friend that she would do anything for even if it puts her out, her passion for literature, the way she appreciates and basks in the simple joys of living like lakes and quietude, the way she bursts out laughing uncontrollably for no reason when she meets the man she’ll eventually marry, her intelligence, and dedication to her goals. We see her humanness as well as her monstrous side. And there are little bits of beauty scattered throughout.

I have felt guilt and various other emotions reading this book. Guilt for judging and guilt for adoring a psycho’s positive qualities and even some of her ugliness. I love when novels provoke uncomfortable as well as beautiful and positive emotions in me, when they force us to question ourselves in awkward ways. I don’t promote what she does but I can’t overlook her beautiful qualities.

It reminds me to be like that with real people who may not be my favorite, ones with qualities I don’t care much for. I don’t have to be their best friend or be head over heels in love with them but I can still work to see the beauty in them and appreciate it.

Here is a beautiful quote out of the book about her looking at herself in a mirror, by the main character, Alex:

“In the mirror, I see a woman sitting bolt upright in her chair, with her handbag on her lap. She has long mousy hair, parted in the middle, her scalp white in the harsh fluorescent light. There is a large, dark mass spreading across the side of her face. I think her elegantly middle-aged, sensuously beautiful. I cannot identify with her. I see her smile, first with her eyes, which remain young, and then with the whole of her face. We fuse together, and I feel an energy building inside me, so that my reflection seems to disturb the air in the room, like a breeze across the surface of a lake. It is a lake I have visited many times in my dreams. We are luminous and powerful.”

This is in a hospital after Alex’s husband dies. No one knows she murdered or tried to murder him. She planned to kill him but after she did, she wasn’t prepared for the feeling that would hit her, the reality of his death. She wanted him dead but after hearing those words, it was hard to accept and come to terms with the fact that her husband is dead, that she killed him. She wasn’t shattered and is ultimately happy with her choice to kill, but she felt awkward, uncomfortable at first. She started to dissociate.
Like, feeling as if one part of herself is no longer connected to another. Like her body and her mind or inner self, disconnect. Some people feel as if they leave their body when they dissociate, after a serious trauma like assault of some sort, for example.

People don’t choose true dissociation but this excerpt reminds me of how many of us often hold ourselves to greater standards than we hold others. We judge our bodies and self worth in ways we wouldn’t judge our sister or best friend. “I have rolls or stretch marks, or am not a size 2 or have scars or acne…or whatever…so I’m hideous, fat, worthless, no good, ugly, not beautiful….” But would you ever say or think that about someone close to you? Or even a stranger? Chances are, no! Try to look into a mirror and kind of dissociate, not like a mental illness or result of a traumatic experience but remain unbiased, not shadowed by self critical thoughts. Take a good look at yourself and pretend you aren’t you.

Look at your beauty with new eyes, with a stranger’s eyes. If you weren’t you and not so judgmental, if you weren’t brainwashed by the media or society’s concept of beautiful perfection, would you think you are ugly, horrible, not beautiful? Would you think you’re beautiful? Now take the beauty you see and feel and know, and become you again, the whole you, let you and the person in the mirror fuse together. Love one another as the whole that is you.

This book is already so thought-provoking and inspiring.

But….

I read some reviews and I think there may be some violence later in the book, maybe violent sexual scenes. Sometimes I don’t read much about a book, reviews or even the basic description, before reading. I like to go into it completely unbiased, not knowing. Sometimes I read a few reviews and for this I did and a couple said something about there being some “uncalled for sexual violence” or something like that, in the book that does nothing for the story but be disturbing. I read so many books and reviews though that I don’t always remember which reviews are for which books. For all I know those reviews are for another book! I can tolerate extreme violence in books if the book is really good or has a deeper message other than just violence for thrill. It doesn’t thrill me.

I felt drawn to this book immediately but then read something that contributed to me deciding not to buy it. And I think it’s the reviews that said there’s uncalled for horrific violence. But then I bought it anyway because what I did read about it in other reviews, the love she has for her Lizzy is so beautiful and it pulled me in and I also love the title. Yes I do judge books by their covers. Lol And even if that’s true that there’s unnecessary violence later, I’m happy I did buy it because of the deep insights I have already come to know just by reading what I did. But I can’t actually recommend the book without knowing the rest, especially if it has scenes that can trigger distress in someone who may have experienced trauma of some sort. Empathy while reading a book is one thing for a person who never experienced serious trauma but for someone who has, it can be completely different, like the person is reliving it, the body can be like literally living it over, causing severe distress and pain. So I am careful recommending books without warnings.

“My moles continue to grow and darken. I take less care to hide the bump on my head, and I wonder whether my deformities will eventually take me over. I am impatient with them, wishing they would stabilize. I think I notice people staring more, and imagine they are whispering to each other but I decide that I will not try to hide myself away. It will be easier if the people who are alienated by such things have the chance to avoid me, and I reason that those who are indifferent to them will not care.” ~ Alex

I love this and completely agree. I would never want friends or people who like me only because they don’t know something about me that if they found out later they would reject me for it, whatever it may be. We don’t have to like everything about a person we like but we can accept, tolerate, or overlook it and love the person as a whole. I don’t necessarily want someone to like every single thing about me, like all of my opinions or anything, and I won’t conceal something just to have them like me or not reject me. It’s like an asshole repellent,if you show your ugliness or controversial views or something right off, you weed out the assholes and the true ones are still standing by your side. Or if you’re the asshole and people are going to reject you for it then they can back off and the ones who don’t mind asshole-ness will still be there.
I don’t always like people’s opinions but I often appreciate the courage it takes them to stand up for whatever it is and the passion that drives them.

I am what I am whether I conceal it or not and whether someone likes it or not. So why deny or repress it? Instead I will give people the chance to know me and embrace me or know me and reject me.

My love for fiction has deepened dramatically over the last year and one thing I love about it is how the novels can teach us even
deeper empathy and greater compassion and understanding for real people and real life situations. We can’t always see or know why people do the things they do and it can be easy to judge and direct hostility towards them without any ounce of empathy or understanding but in books, authors bring their characters alive, stripping them raw, so we can hear their every thought and know their motives and intentions, and we can then, have compassion even more and understanding for the characters. We can extend that to real people and situations.

Understanding and empathy do not necessarily entail or require encouragement of or promoting something. I can understand and be empathetic of a person doing something wrong or not good but not promote or encourage it. I love when authors challenge us. This author is clearly brilliant, not just in writing but her deep understanding of life.

The girl’s wedding day is on June 25th in the book and that’s today for real! Lol what a coincidence that I read that today!

Is that something only I would be thrilled over?

;-D
I hear that a lot “only you, Kim!” or “only you would think or notice that, only you would laugh at that…!”

Xoxo Kim

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” – Scott Hamilton

Surrender to Universal Love <3

Jun22

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” ~ Mayor John Pappas (“City Hall” movie quote)

I have written here often about my struggle with a Depressive Disorder and my journey of healing and remission, suicidal thoughts and contemplation.

My recent post “A Hope in Hell” is about it.

As I mentioned I suffer recurrent episodes, usually for what seems like no reason but sometimes triggered by some environmental issue and even when the trigger is over, I’m already stuck in the depression and it’s no longer about that. Usually that’s not the case though. Sometimes I like to use environmental things as the scapegoats though because it can seem easier to have a reason for being depressed than being depressed “just because.” But the truth is, it’s usually just because. Because I have a chronic condition. A lifelong condition that must be managed and coped with. The initial onset was probably triggered by one or a couple environmental issue/s but even when those issues are no longer issues or not as bad, the damage is done. And it runs in my family.

And some days it’s better to know it’s “just because” because then I’m reminded it’s an illness and I’m better able to hold on and cope til it lifts and do what I have to to get myself better knowing that while I feel worthless and like there’s no purpose in anything, it’s not true, it’s just the illness deceiving me. And when there’s no pleasure in anything I can remind myself it’s because of my condition and I will again find the joy and pleasure I often feel. I find a healthy balance of acknowledging it as the sickness it is but also knowing I have some control of how to react to and cope with it. I can still empower myself even with a chronic illness such as Depression.

Sometimes I have real problems but I know they are not what are depressing me.
Sometimes I think they are what is depressing me and later realize it wasn’t really the problems; they were just an easy excuse.
And sometimes it seems everything is going well but it’s still there hanging over me and dwelling within. Like it’s not connected to anything on Earth and that’s usually the worst.

I no longer have the general depression in the middle of each severe flare up, usually, like I used to and severe episodes aren’t as frequent as they used to be. But they do occur and when they do, it can get bad.

As I also mentioned for nearly fourteen years until October, 2012, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and contemplation, in different degrees, almost everyday, without exaggeration. Serious urges, thoughts, contemplation, usually for hours on end day in and day out. When I turned twenty-one years old, I was able to go for three weeks sometimes, although not often, then eventually three months, then four months, throughout the years, without serious suicidal thoughts or contemplation. But after the three or four months, it would come back to stay until another extremely rare “episode” (interval in the middle of suicidal depressive episodes) of a few months/weeks without death urges would occur.

Usually I couldn’t even go that long though without them. But through the years I worked on my inner self to help me prevent impending episodes and cope much better when I can’t prevent them. Meditation, positive quotes, inspirational songs and lyrics, gratitude activities, various techniques….all help me greatly because I made them a habit. They are ingrained into me now to help me immensely, not cure me or pull me out of a serious depression but help me cope when it gets bad or prevent some episodes before they get bad to where I can’t get out of it for weeks or months.

In October 2012 I had my last serious suicidal thought/urge/contemplation until last month, May 2014! One year and seven months without death urges and serious thoughts of terminating my life! That’s longer than I ever dreamed I would be able to go without having serious thoughts of ending my own life.

I still suffered severe episodes of depression since October 2012 and felt suicidal thoughts/urges trying to emerge every now and again but I was able to keep them under control for the most part.

I’m sorry to say I had a bad relapse recently but it’s true, I did and there’s no denying it. But one year and seven months is a great accomplishment for me. For someone who was dangerously suicidal almost everyday for nearly fourteen years. And I know it’s in me now to do that again, maybe even longer.

So instead of viewing this relapse in a negative way and seeing it as me failing, I will view it in a more positive light as a great accomplishment and knowing I have it in me to live for over one year with no serious suicidal thoughts and urges/contemplation. I never knew I can go that long without those urges and serious thoughts. They were always so much an integral part of me.

My positive habits and life philosophy that is ingrained into me are still with me, etched upon my heart forever but depression is like an illness and it can still get so bad. The positive habits, techniques, and philosophy I live every day are no cure but they’re helping me cope when it’s bad and just be happier and more joyous in general.

Sometimes I get depressed and it’s a heaviness weighing on my life, my body, squeezing my insides and I struggle with feelings of inherent worthlessness and a general sense of hopelessness even when I’m not struggling with or hopeless about any specific problem.

Sometimes I know I can accomplish things just as well as anyone, I know I am blessed, I know I have so much, I know environmental problems will end, I even have basically good self esteem, but still, I’m depressed and want to die. I am well aware people around the world have “worse problems” but reminding me of that often serves to worsen my guilt and depression, not lessen it.

I don’t get suicidal easily over things people say to me and little things that happen in my environment. It’s no one’s fault and even if someone says or does something negative to me and I kill myself after that, that will still be no one’s fault. It’s a sickness. Although sometimes when I’m depressed I don’t realize it’s a sickness and just believe I’m inherently flawed and must escape this life.

I felt this way for weeks, recently. The episode started out as they usually do. Slow and mild. Those are the ones that usually last for weeks or months. Sometimes I’m hit hard with depression and it’s severe, right off, without beginning as mild then getting worse. It’s bad right away, it hits hard, almost physical, like something hard and heavy slamming into my whole body. The darkness takes over me and I am overwhelmed in complete despair and blackness. Sometimes I have to succumb to my bed or sit down somewhere if I’m not at home when it hits, until the heaviest part of the darkness eases enough for me to move again.
This was a great struggle for me in college, I would miss classes, be late, fail exams, have to lay or sit somewhere and just not be able to get back up until way later.
Those ones that come on so fast and hit hard like that, usually only last a few hours or days though, when they come on quickly like that. They aren’t considered by professionals as “clinical” or “major” episodes since they last less than two weeks but they can feel just as bad and be just as dangerous.

This one started out slow and mild and gradually got worse. And lasted just over one month.

I lost interest in almost everything. I mostly avoided most things that I do for fun, like posting here and other places. I mostly just did things I have to do like work, shower, brushing teeth…most of which felt like life draining hassles. I did still read a lot though, light reading, mostly, so I wouldn’t have to concentrate much, nothing that required much thought usually.

In my recent post, “A Hope in Hell,” I stated that a specific, distressing incident triggered the bad episode and relapse of suicidal urges and thoughts and contemplation.

Last month I was crossing a busy street with lots of traffic, cars and trucks speeding. I saw a caterpillar crossing the street as well. They are very difficult to pick up. They slide out of my hands, constantly moving. I try to rescue them and other insects/kreepy krawlers whenever I can, putting them in grass so they won’t be stepped on by accident or intentionally.

I’m afraid when I pick them up though,that they will be so scared they’ll have a heart attack and die. So I’m so afraid to put them in my hands for that reason. I was crossing the street weeks ago and wanted desperately to pick up the caterpillar so s/he wouldn’t be crushed by a car. But the light was changing and as I said, it’s a busy street and big with traffic going both ways. I knew I probably couldn’t get the caterpillar to safety before the light changed and cars and trucks started speeding. I would be holding up traffic so I stopped, contemplated attempting to pick up the insect (or whatever caterpillars are) and decided against it. That it probably wouldn’t accomplish much other than holding up traffic. I believed that the caterpillar would be safe probably, just slipping under the cars, not getting hurt.

But I was wrong. I watched the poor thing get crushed then crushed again and die. I was already slightly depressed for a few days but that day was good before that happened. I instantly felt like ending my own life. I felt it physically all over, my body aching to die.

I was overwhelmed in pain and guilt. I’m still devastated when I think of it.

It took a lot of strength and energy for me not to do anything to put myself in mortal danger that day. I came so close. It would have been so easy. The only thing that stopped me is the fear of hurting anyone else physically while I was attempting to end my own life and the fear of inflicting psychological damage upon anyone forced to witness or be involved in any way.

I’m almost always conscious of how things I do may impact others. And I try to act in ways that are best for all of us or just for everyone else.

Usually the only thing that stops me when I come close to killing myself is fear that it won’t work and I’ll suffer the consequences like damage to my body and along with it, look even more like a loser.

But I don’t always feel that fear. And that day last month, it wasn’t that fear that stopped me. It was concern for the others who would have been directly involved. That’s the main fear that stops me when the method I’m contemplating may somehow involve others.

So I had to hold myself against a wall and battle the urges violently flowing through me in waves, pressing my body against it hoping desperately they would soon subside. Hoping desperately I would be able to walk home without the violent urges threatening my life.

I had to try hard to not have one little lapse in judgment that would result in a serious catastrophe for a lot of people. It took all I had in me.

They’re not always mere thoughts; they escalate to urges, almost physical, almost seeming impulsive. Like I have to go. And it has to be now. Right now. It’s not a choice to experience them but it IS my choice to give into them and end my life or battle them and not give in and end it. Physical actions are NOT beyond my control. I have a choice how to act even though I don’t always have the choice how to think or feel.

I don’t go into great detail in person or in writing about my suicidal urges and fantasies out of fear of triggering distress in someone who may already be unstable or distressed. Especially in writing, for anyone at all has access to it and can read it over and over whenever they want. I’m very open in general about my condition but I don’t take chances like that.

Also I don’t usually tell people when I’m currently struggling or I try to lessen the blow by down-grading the severity of it til it’s over, then sometimes I tell how bad it was.

I said before I’m so used to it that sometimes I’m way too casual when speaking of it and talk about it as if I’m talking about my plans for the weekend or my favorite book or movie or like someone would speak of a trivial problem s/he’s having. I tend to forget now and then the way it shocks the hell out of people and that it’s not a problem most people are used to encountering like that. And I don’t always like the reactions I am met with.

Lol As devastating as it is it’s also quite amusing in a way.

Or maybe I’m the only one who thinks so. I got in trouble my whole life since I was a little girl for laughing at inappropriate things, like something spilling, someone falling, kids being bad in school, someone putting a worm on the teacher’s desk in high school and her screaming…and I’m very easily genuinely amused even over stuff most people would probably find just plain stupid. I have belly laughs that hurt almost everyday, even when I’m by myself, over the dumbest things that wouldn’t even faze anyone else.

Even though I struggle with severe depression, I’m still a lighthearted girl who can find light, love, and laughter just about anywhere.

One night, a few weeks ago, I really contemplated ending it all. It was on my mind frequently everyday, day and night. When I would wake up in the morning, it was on my mind. That one night I felt I had to make a choice. I could only feel two strong emotions for the most part, severe emotional pain with the desire to end everything good and bad alike, and powerful love. I still felt love in me for everyone, universal love. It wasn’t completely masked by the pain and desire to die. It was at my surface. Swirling in me, tempting me to give in and surrender to it. It was in my consciousness, breathing, pulsating strong as ever in sync with the rhythm of my heartbeat.

Like it always is and is now.
Venturing through my veins.

It was like a tug of war game.

One force, a deadly force, pulling me one way and a loving, life affirming force pulling me the other way. It’s exhausting.

As much as I wanted to kill myself, I gave into the love instead. I let the death wishes and suicidal pain take the back burner, summoning my love to the forefront of my brain and my whole being, even more. I decided to stay alive and battle the deadly urges, threatening my life, just so that I can go on loving. Everyone and everything I can. In any ways I can.

Love is so healing. Even when it feels I’m not loved in return. I believe it’s better to love than be loved if I can’t have both. Throughout my days I have experienced rejection, in various forms, on some occasions, by people I wanted to be friends with, one’s I hoped to develop some form of relationship with. While it can be quite agonizing, there’s some kind of comfort knowing I’m still able to love those who reject me. I’m still able to love in many ways. In the form of a positive affection directed at the person even if just in my head, wishing people the best whether or not they want the best for me or even care, still thinking and speaking positively of those who don’t love me.

Love heals.

Love can be a strong positive affection(romantic or platonic) for someone or something with no action taken. Or it can be a verb, an action, an expression.

When we reach out to help, heal, comfort…we reach out in love.

Maybe I will never accomplish anything great, maybe I’ll never save someone’s life but I can do simple things with great love. Share an uplifting quote, go the distance to help someone in need, provide hugs and smiles to all I can…there are limitless possibilities and reasons for carrying on in the midst of all the pain.

I couldn’t pull myself out of the depression or completely stop the thoughts of killing myself but I was still able to choose to live and not give into them.

Now I’m very happy again, so hopeful and inspired everyday again. It’s so strange and fascinating how that can happen like that. How nothing can change environmentally or in any way but my general mood changes dramatically. I’m inspired to take pictures again, to write, to put on my makeup and look pretty. To look up at the sky and feel an even greater depth of joy than I felt in the midst of my depression when I looked at it in awe. The feelings of worthlessness are gone, the hopelessness, the darkness, the despair. It’s all gone, just because I held on. Time itself healed it. It was nothing I did. I just carried on and coped as best I could and here I am, back again!

That itself is inspirational, the fact that I did little else but hold on and it eventually ended.

If you ever feel like giving up or giving in whether it’s something like suicidal urges or something not so dramatic like maybe just lashing out in anger or carrying out actions based on strong unpleasant emotions or thoughts, I hope you will instead tap into the love in you, bring it to your consciousness, and act on that instead. Like I did when I came so close to selling out. Maybe it’s love for yourself, another person, an animal, a thing, an activity, anything, universal love for all sentient beings….anything. Just summon whatever sweet love you have in you and act on or bask in it.

It’s ok to experience and acknowledge those unpleasant, painful, destructive, thoughts, feelings, and emotions but you don’t have to give into them and let them conquer you. Let love conquer instead. Let love prevail.

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.” ~ LeeAnn Womack (I Hope You Dance)

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” ~ Mother Teresa

“I am here to serve. I am here to inspire. I am here to love. I am here to live my truth.” – Deepak Chopra

“Love everybody for who they are. We’re not supposed to try to change people. We should allow people to be who they are and love them as they are.” ~ Dolly Parton

“The meaning of life is to love yourself completely, free yourself and others of guilt, and become totally visible no matter the risk.”

Surrender to universal love.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. When you get the choice to sit it out or dance…….

I hope you dance.

Today is one of those days…..<3

Jun21

I woke up after a night of restless sleep. I have been struggling with a bad flare up of my chronic facial pain disorder. I haven’t slept much in over a week and haven’t consumed much other than water in four days. I try to eat something everyday and can’t. The pain is just too much. Even soft things are hard to chew.

People think I’m losing weight because I want to. That’s not the case at all. I don’t want to, I just can’t eat. I’m kind of sick looking. My face is swelled slightly and my eyes are pink looking and puffed underneath because of the pain and lack of sleep. My skin is pale looking.

I’m exhausted and fatigued. Today I decided to walk to a store and buy mashed potatoes with beef flavored gravy! Yum, right?! I came home, put it on the kitchen table and my dog had to go in the backyard and doesn’t like the yard door being closed with no one out there with her. So I went out with her and came back in and guess what?! My cats ate my potatoes! And they were kind of on the expensive side for someone like me with very little money! Can you say, disappointed?! Lol oh well there goes that.

So what kind of day is today?

I woke up fatigued, restless, hungry, in pain, exhausted, and achy and I feel nothing but…..pure joy! That’s right, sheer joy!

I’m generally very happy but the joy I feel all day today isn’t a regular, general happy.

You know that joy you experience when you hit the lottery, buy a new car, meet a new friend, a new romantic love interest, get a job offer…it’s kind of like that! But none of that happened to me today or recently!

I can often tap into that kind of joy when I try but today it’s just here unexpectedly but definitely welcome! 😀

I had a flashback memory today of when I was a little girl and my mom and dad would take me to Center City Philadelphia at night and we would buy hot chocolate chip cookies and lay out on the grass under the black or navy starlit sky and eat them. There were so many fireflies lighting up green and all people would just lay out and look at the stars and stuff and one night a man said to the fireflies “Hey turn out the lights!” lol it was so funny and we all just laughed.

There’s a kind of childlike joy that we often don’t feel as adults. Things that were so amazing and thrilling back then just often don’t have that feel anymore. We may still love them but they don’t as frequently provoke that deep joy. I love when I can tap into that now. And I believe we all can more often with mindfulness.

Today

Music sounds so great, the air is sweet and caressed by a sweet floral fragrance. Outside is bursting with green, flowers, sunshine. There’s a sweet breeze in the air.And my long hair got stuck in a tree walking to work today! Lol 😀 It’s always fun when that happens! ;-p

It’s a beautiful Spring day. Except today is the first day of Summer here in Philadelphia! My least favorite season!

But it feels more like Spring.

I love the wonder all around.

This just goes to show that someone CAN be happy even when things aren’t perfect or there’s problems and lots of pain.

And when I say pain, I’m talking about bone deep pain, soul shattering pain, like it’s gripping my very essence. But you know what else is gripping my very essence? Love. Deep love. Not just the the love directed at certain people and objects, and things but just deep all encompassing Love.

My pain disorder can leave me feeling and being so broken. I’m not referring to depression. But the broken-ness that comes along with having a chronic physical illness or pain disorder. I’m broken but I’m so beautifully whole. There’s a kind of irony to that but it’s beautiful.

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joywill burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell

It doesn’t completely burn out the pain but it does lessen the power of it, it breaks the bondage.

“Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.” ~ Kevyn Aucoin

I hope you are well wherever you are and experiencing bone deep joy and love.

Xoxo Kim

A Hope in Hell

Jun21

Last month, in May, for about the entire month into June, I was struggling with a severe depressive episode, worse than I have felt in a while. I have recurrent episodes but they aren’t as frequent as they used to be and they often don’t last as long as they used to.

When I feel an impending episode about to hit, I can often prevent it now using self-help techniques I have learned through the years. But this episode that hit me recently hit so hard, I slipped into it without the ability to go back. So all I was able to do was cope with it as best as I could.

But it takes great strength and energy to cope with a severe episode of depression and suicidal thoughts and urges. Strength and energy I don’t always feel as if I have or even want to have. Depression saps it all. It weakens my will and desire to live. Weakens my motivation to get out of it. Some moments I let my self slip and choose not to battle it but let it have me, I struggled against violent suicidal urges, almost physical. I wanted to give up and give in, let it take me.

But unlike a few years ago when I would be hit with severe depressive episodes, I am now equipped with certain skills, attitudes, life philosophies, knowledge, and wisdom. All of these I lacked back then.

They are ingrained into me now because of all of my practice through the years to get myself better. While they cannot always help me prevent an episode or get out of one and they cannot cure me, they can help me cope and hold on.

Some moments I give into the weakness but then I soon find my way back. Sometimes I need reminders like quotes, songs, books, tips….to help bring me back.

For just over one month I struggled with inner darkness, a general sense of hopelessness, not about any specific situation, just in general, although it was triggered by something in my environment. I haven’t been struggling with any specific problem in life other than a sense of inherent worthlessness and darkness but an incident set off the episode. No matter where I go, there I’ll be. That’s how I felt. Like it doesn’t matter what I do, what I accomplish, how beautiful I am, how many people I know…It’s not environmental. My whole disorder, it’s like chemical and may or may not be triggered by environmental issues. Although environmental things can occasionally help somewhat or contribute more to the darkness, it’s not about my environment. I have been in different environments through the years, different stages of life….but the overall disorder remains. And I’m sure it always will. It will come and it will go. Come and go. And I have come to accept that for the most part.

My entire body felt heavy and fatigued. I wanted to crawl up in solitude. I wanted to die. My interest in things almost completely evaporated and the few things I still managed to have a shred of interest in weren’t bringing me anywhere near as much joy or pleasure as they usually do.

Food had no flavor, music had no rhythm, there was almost no feeling to anything. Occasionally I felt beauty in things, like a walk in the warm gentle air, birds flying and chirping, reading books, helping people at work, looking up at the sky, sweet, warm and cool breezes, and a few other things.
I also saw my good friend on different days, which was very helpful.

Reading is one of the few interests that managed to still get my attention, although it was difficult to concentrate completely on the content.

A while ago I began reading a novel called A Hope in Hell about a young woman who struggles with suicidal thoughts and contemplation and severe depression which she calls “Black Moods.” This reminds me of when I was a young girl and young woman, before I knew what I have, before I was diagnosed, I called it the “Black days” or “black things” and the “gray days.”

It’s not a long book. I stopped reading after a couple pages, not for any specific reason, I just read multiple books at once and sometimes stop reading one until a while later, even when I like the book a lot.

Recently I felt drawn to it again. I have it on BlackBerry Kindle. So I started reading it and completed it.

It’s not a realistic story as it is about demons. Not just the demons that come along with suffering with depression but actual demons in Hell. In the book they can interact with humans on Earth. The demons don’t know what happens to humans after they die; one demon, Lil, said no humans ever end up in Hell.

There will be some spoilers here in case you want to avoid them.

The young woman, Tasha, a very beautiful and extremely intelligent girl, suffered with depression since she was a teenager, over fifteen years. She tried some treatments but not many and none helped her so she stopped it. She has no friends and her family refused to help her financially and cut her off so they are estranged. She has had many lovers but it never worked out with any of them. She becomes homeless and decides to end her life at 3:00 in the morning by jumping off a bridge.

She jumps but there happened to be a man there who witnessed and he saves her life.

After she is released out of the hospital she was taken to, the man, John, who saved her life, let’s her live with him until she gets a job and a place of her own. He experienced his own tragedy and like Tasha, he knows true pain.

Tasha quickly falls in love with him but he rejects her sexual invitations over and over.

This book is very sexually explicit with vulgar language. I don’t mind but if that’s not your cup of tea you probably won’t like it much. It’s definitely an adult book. It does have a deeper message to it though.

Tasha constantly feels like a failure and feels rejected always just by life itself.

For much of her life she turned to sexual/romantic relationships and encounters to help her ease her lifelong despair but they only helped temporarily and eventually the men would leave her, usually because her illness always got the best of her.

One day she walks in and finds a stunningly gorgeous, female, demon participating in sexual activity with John, the love of Tasha’s life, her savior, the closest thing she has to a friend. Tasha felt broken and despair finding this. In the book it’s not shocking to find a demon walking the Earth so while Tasha was broken, she wasn’t freaked out.

The demons aren’t “its,” they are very human-like, they have real genders and sexual identities and this demon is a beautiful woman, thousands of years old but sill looks like a young woman.

Tasha is jealous of her because of her physical appearance and because of her ability to put John under a spell and make him lust after her. During the sexual encounter with the demon, John isn’t all there. He’s kind of unaware of what is happening but his body responds in ways that make Tasha envious and more depressed.

The demon was summoned to Earth for another reason and while she is there she senses John’s strong sexual desire for Tasha.

He has a certain reason why he won’t act on his sexual desire for Tasha and it frustrates him and the beautiful, sexy demon senses it and pays him a visit just for fun and decides to kill him while she’s there. The demon can sense that Tasha is suicidal and offers to kill her as well if she wants. Tasha desperately wants to die to end her depression but she doesn’t want John to die. So she tells the demon that she can kill her but to spare John’s life. The demon refuses. She will either kill just John or kill both John and Tasha. The demon, Lilith, explains that in Hell a person can’t give her life to save another. Tasha used to hang with Wiccans so she has some background knowledge of demons.

She knows they accept contests so Tasha initiates a contest with the demon. If Tasha loses, John and Tasha both die but if Tasha wins John lives and just Tasha dies. Tasha wants nothing more than to save John’s life and if she can die saving his, it’s even better! Lol it’s kind of amusing even though it has a depressing nature.

The demon explains that no human stands a chance with a demon. A human will always lose a contest with a demon.

Tasha already feels like a failure so she’s almost certain she’ll lose to Lilith.

Tasha has no energy or life in her because of her depression but she will do anything for the man she loves so she gives it her all. The demon explains that the contest has to be sexual in nature. Tasha is no stranger to sexual experience as she spent years being seductive and doing whatever men wanted her to do so she has some confidence that she’ll do ok but she’s fairly certain she’ll lose.

The demon has John under a spell where he is completely lusting after her. He can’t take his eyes off of Lil. Lil is arrogant and not sympathetic to Tasha. Lil explains that if Tasha somehow manages to get John to take his eyes of her and look into Tasha’s eyes, she’ll spare John’s life but it’s agreed to that Tasha will die no matter what.

Tasha at first takes this to mean that she has to engage in physical sexual acts with John. The demon leads her to believe this is true. So Tasha does just about every physical sexual thing she can think of to John. He’s somewhat conscious but doesn’t realize what’s happening. Tasha knows he doesn’t want to have any sexual encounter with her but she apologizes and does anyway to save his life.

Nothing works. He won’t take his eyes off Lil.

-spoiler-

As I have mentioned, Tasha is extremely intelligent and has knowledge of how demons operate. She is able to realize that to get John to truly look into her eyes, sexual contact won’t work. So she takes him into her arms and touches him with her words, in a deep place, tugging at his heartstrings. She tells him he deserves true love and happiness and he deserves a beautiful relationship and that she would be happy to give him all that he wants, needs, and deserves. He’s under a spell so he can’t completely, consciously understand but some part of him does. So for once, he takes his eyes off of the beautiful demon and looks directly into Tasha’s eyes. He chooses true love over lust.

Tasha won. She outsmarted the demon, much to Lil’s dismay. But now Tasha has one little hangup, she now wants to live. But there’s no negotiating with the demon. She already “signed” a contract written in stone, written in blood, that the demon can take her life.

Tasha began to feel more alive, more confident, and her will to live strengthened.

I’m going to tell part of the end of the story now because of the lessons it teaches. If you would prefer to read the story and not read the end first, you can just click this off. I love the life lessons this story conveys.

“The Black Mood was still there, tugging at the new-found buoyancy of her soul, but she felt stronger now, made more powerful by defeating the certainty of her own failure. Her only disappointment was that she had gained the strength she had always lacked just when she had sold her soul.
Tasha wanted to live, she knew. She wanted to hold John’s hand in the doctor’s office while the doctor explained medical side effects that she already knew by heart. She wanted to hear pride in her father’s voice, and see respect in her mother’s eyes. She wanted to walk across the Michigan Avenue Bridge, spit in the ice water below, and smile at the people on the other side.
It was unfair. The only thing she had known for sure an hour ago was that she wanted to die, so she had promised the demon her life even if she won. Now it was forfeit. She could ask the demon for mercy, but one did not anger demons and expect to be given quarter, particularly if Tasha’s survival increased the risk that Hell would discover Lilith’s failure. Lilith would want her dead for her silence, if nothing else. It was impossible – just as defeating Lilith had been impossible.
Which meant Tasha could do it.
Think.”

Tasha chose life. But it was too late. She realized life isn’t so hopeless. She came alive.

But she found a way to live and the demon spared her life at the end.

Ten beautiful lessons:

1.) love is not mere physical/sexual acts- the story shows that true love is more than just lust and sexual acts. Tasha’s loving words are what convinced John to look into her eyes, saving them both.
2.) accomplishments can help – once she accomplished something great she realized she can accomplish more and more. It showed her that her life is not just one big failure. One accomplishment, big or small, is evidence that we CAN accomplish more and more.
3.) deeply rooted beliefs can be wrong – Tasha was convinced that she was a complete failure and that her life could never serve a purpose but she discovered she was wrong. As deep and ingrained as these feelings were, she was able to eventually see past them. Deep convictions take a while and much work to vanquish but it can be done.
4.) hope in extreme darkness – in the midst of so much, overwhelming darkness and pain, there can still be one slither of hope and that one slither can be just enough.
5.) love can be strong and powerful enough to keep someone alive –
The night before I read the end of this book I was contemplating. Wondering if I should choose life or choose death. I felt two strong emotions. Pain. Deep emotional pain. And LOVE. Metta. Universal love. My love was not masked by the pain. I felt it through it all. Love for the world, for people I know, for strangers, for people I have yet to meet who may need me in some way, some day. I may never accomplish much. But one day someone may need a smile, a hug, a helping hand, encouragement, inspiration, comfort, and how can I provide that if I’m dead? I contemplated hard. Should I end it all? Or choose love? I chose love. I choose life.
Just like Tasha in the book. She chose to live for love. Her love for one man inspired her to live. That’s not to say we should only live for romantic love or someone else. But her love inspired life and made her realize how her life can impact another for the better. How someone can come out of nowhere and need her in some deep way. Just her presence helped heal John in his own pain. He shared some of his pain with her and how her life touched his. Even if she couldn’t have John as a lover right then, her experience showed her that her life does matter and can touch someone else’s. Even if John wouldn’t accept her as a lover or accept her sexual/romantic invitations, she chose to live, to love him in any way she can whether or not he will have her.
I chose love that night too. Not romantic love but universal love. Love for all sentient beings and all the beauty in the world.
Love of any kind can inspire life.
6.) the “mind” can be changed after it’s too late – it’s possible to change your mind in the middle of or after a suicide attempt and it may be too late. In this story, the suicide attempt – asking a demon to end her life – is not realistic but it mirrors real life suicide attempts. There are people who attempt suicide in various ways then change their mind, realizing that life really isn’t so bad, it’s not so hopeless, life deserves another chance, they deserve another chance, and are sorry. Some people are saved but for some it’s too late, there’s no going back. The damage is done. As long as we’re alive we can always choose to die but after we choose death and die or cause serious damage to the body to a certain extent, it’s done, there’s no going back. Sometimes this may be what we truly want because the pain is too much but pain can end without ending our lives and we can learn to cope while currently in pain. And often, it’s not an end to life we really want, just an end to the pain.
7.) think – there are other ways out
THINK. There are endless possibilities. Death is only one option. There are many more choices, things to try. We can use our creativity, our knowledge, tap into the love deep within and come up with better ways to end and cope with the pain.
8.) the depression part is realistic – the girl’s depression doesn’t magically lift but even amidst the darkness, she finds the strength to choose life. And has hope that she can get better. No matter how much it hurts you can find strength and hope. Tasha knows she still needs help and plans to ask for professional help and get herself better.
9.) Something may seem impossible but not be.
She thought it was impossible to win the contest with the demon. She also thought it was impossible to survive after she won the contest but she was wrong. She won and she lived. At the end of the book, Tasha’s life is spared. Her and John remain close. In real life outside of books, we may come across things that seem so impossible but we may just be wrong. There’s so much potential we all have that can be tapped into and realized.
10.) suicidal urges/desire for death is only temporary(even though it may always come and go) – it can end as fast as it can begin. Tasha made a choice to end her own life but just an hour later she wanted desperately to live. This is realistic. Someone can want so desperately, more than anything, to die. And that very same day, in a matter of minutes or hours, choose to live and want so desperately, more than anything else, to live. I know, I have felt this way myself. It always comes back but it always goes again and it’s worth it to hold on and live. It’s startling how fast a suicidal mind, once convinced it wants to die, can change dramatically and then choose to live. If you’re on the brink now, about to end it all, just think, in one hour you may want nothing more than life itself. This isn’t just reality for a fictional girl in a novel about demons, it’s my own reality in this real world.

This book is all about hope.

The most beautiful message: hold on, live, hope, keep pushing through it all, choose love.

Xoxo Kim

If your heart breaks regularly….<3 </3

Jun6

Then you’re doing something right.

“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonders.” ~ Andrew Harvey

I recently saw a self-help book, I don’t remember the name, designed to help us completely eradicate anger and other unpleasant feeling emotions out of our lives. It’s also designed to “make” us not even care at all when someone rejects us or when a relationship ends. Not only to eliminate “negative” emotions or help us heal but to PERMANENTLY obliterate them. Forever. Never feel anything but positive emotions again as long as we live. To be forever indifferent to negative events in the world. What a joke, right? It even has a warning saying something along the lines of “Caution, do NOT read this book if you do not want to permanently erase sadness over rejection….you can NEVER go back…. We promise…”

I’m not buying it. Not just like I’m not buying that book. That too. But I’m not buying the nonsense they’re selling.

I don’t believe it’s possible or likely for most people but also, more importantly, I don’t want it to be possible. Even if I could, I would not permanently erase my emotions. Any of them. I refuse to be a brick wall. Or a zombie? Or some non-human emotionless thing.

I believe that life is a gift. And that includes our ability to FEEL. To feel pain, grief, pleasure, heartbreak, hope, and healing. Anger, fury, joy, and happiness. Sadness and relief. To feel rejected and accepted, empty, broken, then whole.

Imagine walking around in a constant, static state of just one emotion. Whether the emotion itself is pleasant or unpleasant, the whole experience is not pleasant, in my opinion. We don’t need dramatic mood swings but a little variation would be sweet.

Like the cliche goes, it’s easier to appreciate the good with a little bit of bad thrown in!

But not just that.

Unpleasant feeling emotions and sensations actually serve a purpose. We would be in trouble without them. They let us know something is wrong. They fuel us, motivate us, teach us. They keep us safe.

Being peaceful and happy in general and having great control over our emotions and thoughts and actions or expressions is one thing, rarely getting worked up or angry is one thing. A good thing! Permanently erasing “negative” emotions and never being capable of experiencing them again is something else.

Fear.

Imagine a world without fear. Even if you could not feel fear, you likely wouldn’t be stupid. You would still know what can cause your death and seriously hurt you and probably would mostly avoid it but you may still act more recklessly than when you can feel fear. Your judgment may be a bit off without a healthy dose of fear.

Crossing a busy street for example. I see the horror of people crossing recklessly too often. They don’t want to wait so they dash through the speeding traffic, trying to avoid getting hit. It’s horrifying to witness. Just horrifying. They usually don’t get hit, thanking my lucky stars. And these are people who can and do feel fear. So imagine if some of those very same people could not experience fear. They would probably be even more reckless with their lives and the lives of those people in the cars, not having their fear to guide them.

This is also somewhat philosophical because if you think about it, if a person is unable to experience fear then does it mean that person also can’t experience a certain degree of concern? Is concern just a much lesser degree of fear?

(like some physical discomfort is a lesser degree of full-blown pain…?)

When I’m standing at a street full of speeding traffic and I’m safely on the pavement, it’s not full-blown fear I feel or even a lesser sense of anxiety. I know I’m safe so there’s nothing to fear. However, I do experience a certain degree of concern, enough to hold me back so I don’t go flying into traffic in a hurry to get across. Hmmmm…interesting.

My dad read a novel many years ago when I was a little girl, about a young woman who was born without the “fear gene.”. She never experienced fear a day in her life. I was fascinated but never read it. I remember my dad reading parts to me out loud. The character said she does not fear death or injury but she would never jump off a bridge or anything as she still knows what that can do. She doesn’t fear getting hurt but doesn’t want it. I can relate in some ways. I don’t “fear” getting a paper cut but I don’t want it. (perhaps desperately not wanting something IS some form of fear??) I don’t fear having a broken bone as long as it’s only a minor break of a less crucial bone but I sure don’t want it. I don’t fear any kind of surgery but would prefer not to have to undergo it. I’m not brave, necessarily, for not fearing this stuff. I’m just not naturally afraid of it. Fearlessness is not courage. Courage is feeling the fear but doing whatever it is anyway. That’s what it is to be brave. Being fearless isn’t. Like that quote about how superman isn’t really a hero in a way because he’s literally invincible, indestructible, the real heroes are you and me, who can be destroyed in many ways but still find it in us to go on, to take chances…

I’m assuming that fear means the full blown unpleasant feeling, not mere concern. The kind that makes you tremble, your heart pump like you want to run and run fast. There are different extents of fear, though, that I know of.

Some things I fear like that are: small closed in spaces, if I see someone nearly get hit by a car, if I think someone is about to die whether I know the person/animal or not, some amusement park rides (like the atmosfear – thing that drops) sleep paralysis,

Some things I don’t fear only because I know they can’t or probably won’t happen like: if I was the only human left on Earth, jumping out an airplane with a parachute (would probably terrify me, not thrill me), losing my sense of vision for a while. Because of my pain condition, I sometimes lose my hearing, sometimes completely and some occasions almost completely and have since I was a little girl before I knew why. I was always too afraid to tell my mom. It’s recurrent and the deafness and partial deafness lasts all different amounts of time, sometimes hours to a whole day, off and on. I never get completely used to it no matter how frequently it happens. I’m not as fearful when it happens as when I was a girl and young woman but it’s still very scary to lose a sense.

Physical pain.

Imagine no ability to feel physical pain or any sort of physical discomfort? You wouldn’t know when your appendix is about to burst. You may not know if you’re having a heart attack or if you’re cut badly in a place you can’t see right away.

I don’t know about the lack of fear thing but I know there are people living with this very rare pain disorder. They often die prematurely because they cannot feel physical discomfort at all and can stay in one position for many hours which can result in damage to the body. They don’t naturally turn in their sleep. Unlike us with the ability to feel physical pain and discomfort, they have to learn when to move throughout the day and night to avoid muscle atrophy. We take it for granted and never have to learn. We don’t give it a second thought usually; we just mindlessly move at the first sign of pain or discomfort.

Many of us have heard of “those people who can’t feel physical pain” but we may have some serious misconceptions of this disorder.

They often don’t walk around exactly like people who can feel pain, with no extra problems. They have so much against them. They suffer serious and sometimes even deadly consequences.

When they’re children, they are often blinded and chew their own tongues off. They don’t realize the teeth going through their tongues and their own fingernails slashing their eyeballs. Parents often don’t know they have this disorder until this trauma occurs. They often have to have their teeth and fingernails removed or wear socks on their hands. Sometimes their eyes have to be removed because of the damage their fingernails cause. Many are in wheelchairs because of muscle/joint problems. They often can’t sweat and they overheat.

We naturally, often unconsciously, learn not to claw our eyes out and chew our tongues off because of pain & discomfort. No one usually has to teach us. Unfortunately for some, they do not have that gift.

They CAN feel emotional pain and other physical sensations, like massage and skin on skin contact.

They aren’t like those other people who have that other disorder and can’t feel anything physical because of some touch/feel/nerve problem/injury.

Anger.

Imagine if you never felt anger. Not just being an easy going person who rarely gets angry and even when you do you control it well but imagine not having the ability to feel anger. I don’t know if anyone like this really exists but I imagine it can’t be all good. I suspect that if we all of a sudden could never experience anger, we may run into problems we never realized could happen. Anger may be serving other purposes we don’t even realize. We’re so used to having the ability we take it for granted.
Have you ever had something you never gave a second thought to then lost it and realized how much easier or better it really was making your life?

I know sometimes anger motivates me to act. To do what’s right. It fuels me to stand firm against things. For example, I remember an instance when I found that people were destructively criticizing me just to be unkind. I mostly felt paranoid and somewhat anxious and like a “victim” sort of.

But then anger crept in. But not the anger that destroys. That other kind. The kind that builds, fuels, the kind that gives me a backbone. Not the kind that made me want to retaliate. I did nothing at all to seek revenge on these people and did not care to but my anger for the situation helped me greatly. I thought “What the hell!! Let them talk, whatever they say is up to them, anyone can be criticized for whatever reason true or not. If I really wanted I can criticize too, I can if I want, do the same to them, they are wrong.” But I let it go. I let my anger give me life, let me rise above, even if only in my own head, instead of being the spineless jellyfish I was at first. They did not get over on me. Even though I did nothing back and never will.

And I did not get over on them. I just let it be. But in an active way.

My anger reminded me that I am equal no matter what they say. And anger, like fear, manifests in different degrees. A mild annoyance to a passionate fury.

Anger motivates us. And if we use it appropriately, it will motivate us to act/think for the better.

I want to be affected by the world and people, for good and for bad. I don’t want to build up walls. I want to feel as deeply as I can. If I feel unpleasant emotions as deeply as possible, I can feel the pleasant ones as deeply and experience the gift of life to the fullest.

Grief, loss, & rejection.

And about the pain of rejection and loss or grief. That shows us that one life or something impacted us. Touched us so deeply that we grieve over the loss or rejection. Don’t you want someone or something to impact you so deeply that it’s hard to say goodbye or hard to be pushed away? It shows that we’re open completely and that we had something to cherish at one point. And reminds us that it’s possible to feel that love again. And again. And again….

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~ A.A. Milne

It’s so much better than being numb.

Guilt. Remorse. Regret.

So many people say “I have no regrets and never will.” Advising us not to regret or feel guilt. I agree to a certain extent. It’s best not to dwell on guilt and regrets but it’s ok to have certain regrets and experience a temporary healthy level of guilt when we’re wrong. But we should (should in my opinion, I don’t like telling people what they ‘should’ do) forgive ourselves and move forward, not carrying a constant burden of guilt for life.

If we don’t have the ability to feel guilt and regret it’s possible, just like I mentioned about fear, we may occasionally act more recklessly. I’m not saying completely be a monster and destroy everything and everyone but guilt and regret can aid us in our actions sometimes.

There are some occasions we may know intellectually that something is wrong but as long as we don’t feel guilt, emotionally, we justify it.

For example: Some years ago, my sister and me went with my mom and dad on a fun trip to the Eastern State Penitentiary here in Philadelphia to learn about the old prison, historical facts and all. I saw a prison hoodie I desperately wanted. My sister did not care at first to get one as much as I did. But my dad bought her one since he bought me one. They are on the expensive side and I eventually ruined mine. My sister’s got packed away. When we were pulling stuff out to move, I found her’s. And kept it. Hoping no one would remember I ruined mine and just think that’s mine and hers went missing. Lol! At first there was no guilt. I knew intellectually it’s wrong but emotionally I couldn’t have cared less.

I’m generally not a thief and generally very honest. And in most cases I won’t do wrong stuff knowing it’s wrong even if I don’t feel guilt with my emotion. Feeling guilt isn’t just knowledge of being wrong but feeling it. Feeling it emotionally as opposed to just intellectually.

But I justified this in all ways imaginable. I told myself that I was really the one who wanted it. I wore mine more often than she wore hers til I ruined it. She did not care about it anyway, I told myself. She had it stored away. I got away with it.

But as the days would come and go, guilt crept up on me. I no longer only knew it’s wrong. I felt it. It wasn’t mine. Whether or not she really wanted her hoodie, whether or not I loved it more, the hoodie was never mine. I caved into my guilt and fessed up. My sister was pissed! She yelled at me and called me a lying thief who can never again be trusted.

And while the lying thief part was true for that occasion, it’s generally not. That doesn’t make it ok for that occasion but I did not let my guilt overcome me after I confessed. I admitted I was wrong and I eventually did what’s right.

My sister wouldn’t forgive me at first but I was able to forgive myself.

It doesn’t change what I did but at least I made it right, as right as I could after the fact.

A guilty conscience is good when you know you were really wrong!

But you can cleanse it by confessing and moving forward. Accept that you were wrong. It’s not the end of the world.

I read a self help mediation book, I forget the name, and the author said whenever she did something wrong she would say to herself, to ease her guilt “I was wrong, so sue me!”.

That’s great to a certain point!

We really shouldn’t go all out and do bad, destructive, immoral things though, just because we can say “…..so sue me!” But when we’re wrong and are genuinely sorry, we can move on or move forward.

I don’t dwell on regrets but having them is ok.

I wasn’t just wrong to my sister but to the uni-verse, to life, to the world. I don’t want to be a thief, a sneak, a liar. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to put that kind of energy out into the world. It’s not who I am deep inside and when I act out of accordance with that, my conscience reminds me and won’t let me rest until I make it right. I want to be true. True to life and goodness and all that is right. I aspire to be all that is good and right and true. I won’t always know what that is. And occasionally I know different views will clash. What’s right to me may not be to someone else. What’s right in one situation may not be in another.

But it’s ok. I will live and learn. Accept and forgive, myself and others.

I believe painful emotions are ok, good, healthy even. But in moderation. In a healthy balance.

They can also help us empathize with and understand each other better because we can draw on our own experiences.

They’re inevitable at some points. We don’t have to intentionally inflict them upon ourselves and others.

We don’t have to go searching for pain and negativity. Anyway, there will be a plentitude throughout your days without searching!

As Dr. Steve Maraboli says “When you hate something, you chain yourself to it.”

It’s true, in my opinion but it’s not to say “hating” is wrong or unnatural and that we should never feel it. It simply means not to let the negativity get over on us by Dwelling on it. If you “hate” or strongly dislike something, let it motivate you to act for the better. Let hatred allow you to reach out in love.

To better appreciate all of life.

Let your painful and unpleasant emotions and feelings guide you in life along with your pleasant emotions and feelings and aid you in your actions. And let them remind you again and again that you are alive. And that’s a beautiful gift.

Xoxo Kim

What if today we were just grateful for everything?/Zero-Based Gratitude

Apr1

http://ezinearticles.com/?Zero-Based-Gratitude&id=2753810Johnathan

Jonathan Huie is one of my heroes I never met in person. Like Norman Vincent Peale, Stephen Covey, Richard Carlson, Sarah Ban Breathnach, and many more. And Daniel Gottlieb who I finally got to meet, last night! All of these people work or have worked to help better the lives of others.

I am deeply inspired by all of them and their brilliant work and lives.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie explains in an Ezine article here:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Zero-Based-Gratitude&id=2753810
What Zero-based Gratitude is.

He explains this by first contrasting zero-based budgeting and incremental budgeting, which are techniques often used by businesses, governments, and sometimes individual people. In incremental budgeting, which is traditionally employed, the entity starts with the budget for the last year or previous instance and prepares the subsequent budget based on the previous one. Incorporating whatever increases or more seldom, decreases, is considered to be appropriate.

In contrast, zero-based budgeting begins with a baseline of no expenditures as opposed to the baseline of last year’s expenditures. Instead of looking at some previous year, they just look at now. Right now. As Mr. Huie explains, every single proposed expense must be justified on its own merit as opposed to resorting to the argument that it was in last year’s budget and that everyone is expecting and demanding it.

For most people, their gratitude is incremental gratitude instead of zero based.

When they have a baby, get a new car, get a promotion, more money, a new house, a new love…they’re all thankful. If they lose their job, are forced to get a smaller house or less of something, experience a breakup, get into an argument with someone, become ill or have a sick family member or friend, they get disappointed and angry, lose touch with the gratitude they felt when great things were happening. They haven’t been as blessed today with all they had yesterday.

But still blessed. They just don’t know it. Or feel it. It’s ok to feel sad but we can still be grateful.

There are people who say if the quality of life they have now was greatly reduced by illness or injury, they would choose not to live. Not to be resuscitated. Not to be kept alive with a feeding tube if that means they cannot walk or take care of themselves, if it means they cannot talk like they can now or express themselves in most ways they now can, if it means being a “burden” to others. If basically all they can do is sit up with support and look around a room, being fed with a tube.

But you know what? Many people like this can feel. They feel the touch of others, they feel the care of those who show it to them. They’re alive and conscious. No longer like they used to be. They can’t hold ordinary conversations. They may not be able to speak words, maybe not even completely understand language always.
But they understand touch. They understand smiles. Their hearts understand love.
They see and feel. They see flowers, balloons, smiles, faces. They’re not always suffering even when they re all shriveled up looking, in a chair with a feeding tube. They may look like they’re in an “unfortunate” state to some people but they can be very happy in their own context, just as happy as a walking, mostly independent person who can feed herself.

Some are even born this way and are some of the happiest people! They’re not “vegetables” or “retards” or “burdens” or “brain dead,” they’re people!!

If I all of a sudden tomorrow found myself very unlike the way I am today, my abilities dramatically reduced, my body damaged, with a feeding tube in me but I could still feel, both physically and emotionally, I would choose life even if I couldn’t consciously say or even think it in words.

My life would be just as valuable as the life I live now. Nothing can reduce my value.

I would see balloons and flowers and smiling faces. I would feel the sweet, loving touch of a friend on my arm or the healing, compassionate touch of a doctor, a hand on mine, eyes looking into my own eyes. Feel the warmth of caring people, the beauty of daylight, the beams of golden sun, the sweetness of a gentle breeze, the vibrancy of the colors around me, the life that would still breathe in me. And that would be enough for me.

Even if I couldn’t see or hear, I would still FEEL, most important of all!

Yes I would choose to be a “burden” and I know I wouldn’t really be a burden. Someone somewhere would be happy to have me. BLESSED to have me. Blessed with my smile, my love, my will to carry on. Maybe a family member or a friend, another kind person or kind and loving health professionals who choose to care for people with extra needs who aren’t suffering but are not as independent as people who can walk and talk and feed and change themselves. Someone would have me. And I would gladly have that someone.

And someone would gladly have you and anyone else.

In a state like that I would have so much less than now but I would still choose gratitude. Still choose life.

What I have now are luxuries, beautiful luxuries. If I lose them, this life will still be beautiful. I will still be beautiful.

Today I have a house to live in, a bed to sleep in, blankets, heat, air, material objects like furniture, books, my phone….but if tomorrow my house burns to the ground taking everything I know with it, as long as I’m alive, I will give thanks. Even if I have to live out on the streets for a while. It would be devastating, shocking, depressing, but I would STILL have things to give thanks for, my life, the sky above me, kindness and love….LOVE.

On many occasions I would probably have to force myself to see the goodness, the greatness. But it’s there and I’m capable.

I have a chronic physical pain disorder and it gets so horrifying that sometimes I wish I were dead when it flares up to that degree but I learned more and more to remember GRATITUDE for all that IS right even when it’s flaring up badly. And lots of things are right. Even when it seems my world is crumbling on top of me.

This also goes for my depressive disorder. When I have a severe flare up, I think about dying but not nearly as often and usually not as deeply as I used to. I learned to often appreciate this life and give thanks even when it hurts. No matter how lifeless I feel or how agonizing my emotional pain is. I learned to live in the present and not compare it to what I previously had or to what someone else may have.

Depression and physical pain have been my teachers, teaching me how one moment, everything can crumble and it seems like I have so much less than what I had just very recently. When a disorder flares up out of nowhere or is triggered by an environmental issue or a thought, it can be traumatic and it makes me see all the little things I had to be grateful for before the flare up. I become painfully aware of all I was ignoring. My emotional or physical anguish makes the simple joys of life jump out at me and it’s painful to now notice them and know I was taking them for granted so frequently. Painfully beautiful. Beautifully painful.

But these disorders show me how not to do that so much. I developed an ingrained habit to notice and look for the joys of living whether I’m in any kind of pain or not. When I’m in extreme physical or emotional pain, I usually can’t take as much pleasure in things as I can without the pain but I can experience some joy and pleasure. And with practice I can even learn to increase my joy even when it hurts.

These are some examples of zero based gratitude. It’s true that we can wake up one morning with significantly less than we just had the night before but instead of using last night as a reference, we can focus on the NOW and what we currently have. Let us give thanks for this present moment.

In some cultures, like the U.S. Culture for example, this is our way, to be very ungrateful for the most part. Not always though. We often give thanks for friends and family when the topic comes up, and like some other countries, we even have a whole holiday dedicated to gratitude. But as a culture, we don’t seem to make gratitude and expressing it, our general way of life. We compare what we have to what others have and to what we previously had if it was more. We can think of a long list, when asked or when it’s a holiday, what we’re thankful for but then we soon forget.

The more we have and get, the more we demand and if we lose some things we previously had, our lives “suck” or “FML!.”

I’m guilty of this myself. And probably will be guilty again. But I have learned to mostly be conscious of when I’m doing this, to be conscious of what I’m grateful for, and for it to become an unconscious way or “second nature” to automatically give thanks.

There are blessings all around and within. A whole abundance of gifts and goodness.

Even when our blessings are reduced and we lose what we have, there is still an abundance of greatness.

Let’s give zero-based gratitude a try.

Xoxo Kim

When I Becomes We <3

Mar30

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

I wrote a couple of posts here previously about Dr. Daniel Gottlieb, a Philadelphia psychologist. He is one of my greatest inspirations. He suffered devastating tragedies in his life and was able to rise above and help others. He experienced divorce, grief and loss, and suffered a tragic, near fatal accident when he was thirty years old that rendered him permanently paralyzed, with a broken neck, afflicted with quadriplegia, which is paralysis, at the torso and all the limbs.

He suffered with suicidal depression after that but found deep healing. He is able to use his life lessons to help people with various struggles, severe struggles and just every day life, “ordinary” struggles most of us face now and again. He has a young grandson with Autism who teaches Dr. Gottlieb so much about life.. He even wrote a couple books about the wisdom his young grandson teaches him.

I read his writings quite frequently and have a couple of his books. And tomorrow Dr. Gottlieb is having a book signing event at Barnes & Nobles in Center City, Philadelphia for his newest book!!! I’m so happy and thrilled!!! I’m going!!!

It will be so amazing to finally meet him in person after reading so much by him, sharing his inspiration frequently, and being deeply inspired by his life.

One thing Dr. Gottlieb teaches us is how we can connect with each other through our basic humanness, disability, illness or not, we are all human, all with basic needs and desires, a deep longing to connect. His lesson is not unlike Dr. Leo Buscaglia’s message about how deep inside we are the same, human and we can connect in many ways even when barriers prevent more advanced communication.

Dr. Dan doesn’t even care much to be referred to as “Doctor.” On his business cards he writes “human.”

Another of his lessons is that no matter what happens to us and how much we grieve over what we lost, we can still find happiness in the midst of pain and grief. Sometimes he wishes desperately that he can walk again and dance and he grieves deeply over his lost abilities but he can still be happy just as he is.

It’s ok to grieve and feel a deep sense of loss and longing and those experiences do not have to taint our general happiness and wellbeing. They dont have to be mutually exclusive.

He is so very humble. He doesn’t make his life or pain out to be better or worse than anyone else’s. He knows we all have struggles, some worse than others but no one’s pain should be invalidated.

Another lesson he teaches us is positivity. He cannot move much and therefore his urinary bladder does not work as it did before his paralysis. He needs a catheter since he cannot empty his bladder as people without physical disability can. The urine goes to the catheter and that gets emptied. He doesn’t have to use a toilet. He likes to remind “non disabled” people and anyone who can use a toilet that while they’re getting in and out of bed all night to empty their bladders the “normal” way, he is sleeping peacefully in bed. Lol He says this in a funny and playful way! Humor is also a great lesson he teaches us.

I love his sense of humor!

He teaches us that there’s little bits of Heaven here on Earth, all around us. We don’t have to die or go on vacation to experience Heaven. We often long for a vacation and look in awe and gratitude upon the sunset and land when we are not at home. But wherever we are, we look upon that same sunset, the same sky, the same Earth. Beauty is all around us. Right here. Right now.

He teaches us that everyone’s needs are “special.” We all have some kind of needs. We all are dependent in some ways upon other people and things.

He teaches us about the good hope and the bad hope. Hopefulness is good. But putting off current happiness and peace of mind hoping for “better” isn’t good. For a couple of years Dr. Gottlieb desperately hoped he would walk again even though it’s impossible. He put his life and happiness on hold hoping for “better” but he eventually found healing and hopelessness. The good kind of hopelessness that is acceptance, letting go, and liberation.

You can read about some of this here:

http://www.temple.edu/medicine/dan_gottlieb_visit.htm

He teaches us to just sit with and be with our emotions. Not to repress or deny them. Just be. And so much more he teaches us.

His new book is “The Wisdom We’re Born With (Restoring Our Faith in Ourselves).”. It’s about the importance of living in the present moment, connecting with our own emotions, calming the unquiet mind, breaking bad habits, and the importance of love.

http://store-locator.barnesandnoble.com/event/82835

Here is a beautiful poem by Dr. Daniel Gottlieb about how we are all connected, we are all One with each other. It’s called “When I Becomes We.”
Click the link to read:

http://www.drdangottlieb.com/2014/02/14/poetry-when-i-becomes-we/#

Here are a few lines:

“…when “those” people become “my” people

when the person in the street with a Styrofoam cup becomes my brother or sister

when every hungry child becomes my child

then I will cry more and laugh more and love more…”

Beautiful, isn’t it?!

I’m so inspired. And I hope you have found some inspiration here too.

And keep smiling. There’s beauty all around you, everywhere, everyday.

Xoxo Kim 😀