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The Life Before Her Eyes

Jan3

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“As much as we can be overwhelmed by the world, we can also draw hope from it, from beauty, from promise, from the simple fact that we have the talent to imagine our future selves from all the possible lives that pass before our eyes. We must imagine our lives well. We must engage our conscience.”

Some years ago, I watched a movie called “The Life Before Her Eyes” over & over. I love movies that have to do with friendship. This movie is a very sad movie but very good. It’s about two high school girls who are best friends, one is a “good girl” and the other is a “bad girl” but they are the best of friends. Their friendship is so tender and loving and warm and even after they get into an argument. The girls do a great job playing the part. A true friendship like this one is a great blessing! I think platonic friendship is one of the greatest gifts in life.

A kid comes to school one day with a gun and kills a lot of people, including one of the girls. The other girl develops severe post traumatic stress and struggles with her loss, guilt, and anxiety and caring for her family after she grows up with a family of her own years later. She can’t let go of the past and overcome it and move forward. I wouldn’t expect someone to completely forget that her best friend was murdered and all those other people and wouldn’t expect her grief to go away but it’s possible to heal to a certain point. She has a lot of difficulty. I recently watched the movie again. 

This line above is out of one of the scenes. Isn’t it inspiring? So full of hope & beauty.

I love how many scenes in this movie can be analyzed and interpreted, like they have underlying meanings.

It’s a great movie but I would never recommend it to someone who has ever been involved in a school (or any) massacre, especially one involving gun violence. It may be a serious trigger.

I hope you are having a beautiful day/night!

😀

Much love & light, ❤

Xoxo Kim 

Currently……<3

Jan2

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One of those fun bloggy surveys!

Currently….

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Book: Fatal Decision by John Greenwood- a Kindle book. seriously the most terrifying book I ever read! I’m not through with it yet and it’s very disturbing. I can feel all the terror and emotions along with the characters. It’s not gory or anything (which I prefer – I do not like gory) but the plot is horrifying. A mom and dad of a thirteen year old little boy find that someone went to their son’s school pretending to be his uncle and kidnaps the boy. The father later receives an anonymous phone call by a man telling him not to tell the police he has contact with the kidnappers or they’ll kill his child. Then the man tells the dad he has to kill an innocent person or he’ll not see his son alive again. Either way, the kidnappers will give his boy back but if the dad doesn’t kill the innocent person for them, his son will be brought back dead. If he kills the innocent person, his son will be brought back alive and well. Holy Hell!! And the kidnappers keep killing innocent people to show how serious they are. They have no problem killing. They stalk the boy’s dad and see almost everything he does and know where he is each moment of everyday so they’ll likely know if he tells the police he talks to them. They even see in his house! He doesn’t know how and when he looks around he cannot see them anywhere. The book is very good. It does have quite a few spelling/grammatical errors. Books I read usually do not have this many. I’m no grammar phanatic but it’s surprising that a published book has so many. I can’t (truthfully) say the book is very well written in my opinion, in some way, but in another way it is. The author captures the terrible emotions of the parents extremely well. The characters are very much alive, in my opinion. I can imagine real parents who lose children, reacting the same way, experiencing the same breakdowns and agony. They are very realistic. Some characters in some books are one-dimensional or emotionless seeming. I usually stop reading them when they are. I read part of a fiction book before with a fascinating plot including a little girl going missing and something strange keeps happening but I stopped reading it because the parents have no emotion, not like being shocked and emotionless after a tragedy but they just have no life in them even before the child went missing. It’s like the author wasn’t empathetic enough while writing it to portray real emotions through fiction writing. I don’t recommend books before completing them but I will probably recommend this one to those who don’t mind errors all throughout and less than superb writing. It’s still a great book! It has great reviews too, almost 5 stars out of 5 and 94 people reviewed it. It has 187 pages. I usually prefer them longer but it’s ok! Right now, I still give it 5 stars!

Also a book called “The Philosophy of the Enlightenment” by Ernst Cassirer. Very interesting! 😀

Nail polish: still painted for Christmas! One hand green and the other red! All chipped up now!

Favorite drink: iced tea, coca cola – same as always

Photo: Me on New Year’s Eve!

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& me on New Year Day:

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Guilty pleasure: fictional horror mystery books! Ahh!! ;-D And Christmas cookies on sale! Lol I got up at 2:00 in the morning one morning recently and ate a whole bag while reading a scary book in the dark with my dogs! Fun!

Thing thankful for: I’m thankful for my attitude or feeling that everything works out so well for me. Since I was very young, I have often felt that things just fall into place easily for me. I’m mostly referring to all the little things. I don’t believe in luck but I have always felt “lucky.”
I got to go to the University I always wanted to go to. It’s the only one I applied to. When things of mine break, they usually start working again right when I need them. I usually don’t have to wait too long for a bus I’m waiting for even if I wasn’t looking at the schedule. Whenever I want something at a store, they usually have it….stuff like this. It’s not always that things work out perfectly for me. Sometimes I’m waiting for a bus in zero degree weather for over an hour. Sometimes a store is out of stuff I really, really need/want. But I remember even being in Kindergarten when I was five years old and feeling as if I’m so “lucky” and everything works out in my favor. I can even remember a couple of things I thought of as examples back then! I still feel this way, even right now. I think it’s not just external things working out well but my attitude. I have a strong attitude of gratitude. Even with depression when it would flare up. I can’t feel it to the fullest usually like I do when I’m not depressed but still I feel it often even when I’m severely depressed. The thing is, with depression it’s often hard to focus on that gratitude but it’s possible. Gratitude is so healing. When I truly focus on not only the things to be thankful for but my thankfulness for them, even when I can’t feel it as strongly, it really touches my depression and sometimes lifts it a little bit or even a lot. I never have bad days because even on the rare days where it seems one thing after another goes wrong, I am soon reminded of all the things that go right.
Even on those days where one thing after another goes wrong, one thing after another also goes right. And I usually automatically see that but when I don’t, I try to intentionally focus on it.
When I’m not suicidal, I think any day I’m alive is a good day and when I am suicidal, I can still think of the things going right. I couldn’t always do this when I would be suicidal. I used to know of all my good things but just ignore them for the bad, often. Sometimes good things would keep popping out at me over n over and I would deny them because I was so depressed. But through the years I learned more and more to focus on the good. Even when I want to die, I can still see good. It just doesn’t take away my despair or sense of worthlessness and purposelessness always but does me good still. Gratitude is the best attitude for depression! It’s stronger than depression if we allow it to be. It’s a great attitude for anyone with or without depression. If you don’t have it naturally like I do, you can develop it and if you already have an attitude of gratitude, you can strengthen it or make it more frequent. And if you already live in complete, boundless gratitude every second of every day, that’s amazing! (but probably very rare) 😀 ❤
Richard Branson once said “I was born under a lucky star…” He is a very rich man financially but also in his attitude about life. And I don’t think his money has to do with it. I think he is just a happy man with a great attitude, money or not. We can all have that attitude. His statement “I was born under a lucky star” inspires me. I feel the same way and when I forget, I just remind myself that. And I’m what some people can call “dirt poor” financially(I don’t even have phone service! But I don’t mind!). Lol! So it’s not the money! This goes to show even more that depression isn’t just about being spoiled & ungrateful. An attitude adjustment can do us good but depression is more than just that.

Drink – a “no name” brand of root beer. Isn’t that so weird?! I never liked root beer for as long as I can remember but when I’m sick, I crave it. It’s so weird. It’s actually called Tubz and reminds me of my dog, Isis Summerjo, my fuzzy sausage girl! Little kids often call her piggy or the piggy dog! lol

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Fashion: hmmm…I know nothing about fashion! lol

Laughing at: the Buddhist class I attended for New Year’s Eve was funny! Our teacher is really funny; I laughed a lot! Lol ;-D

Also this,

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(cute picture but it’s not mine!)

Fear: I’m not afraid of anything at the moment!

Weather: a bit cold. Just the way I like it! 😀

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Grateful for: my good physical health – I have a sinus thing going for the last few days but generally my physical health is great. And for the good physical health of everyone else who isn’t sick. ❤

Feeling: more uplifted than I have been. Writing here is inspiring! I mostly like to write for others who will potentially come across it but it’s also good for me! ❤

Looking forward to: a new Kindle book released next month! A fiction suspense thriller! I been waiting seven months! Ahhh!! ;-D Book 3 in a series by Dr.Carey Baldwin. Totally can’t wait!! I have a big, bright smile just thinking about it! 😀

Thank You everyone for the comments, likes, shares….I always appreciate it! ❤

Much love,

xoxo Kim

Oh, Soul

Jan1

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“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.” ~Rumi ❤

I have been struggling with a severe episode of depression. The darkness has descended on me again and has felt unbearable. It started a few weeks ago but is worse now. I have recurrent episodes. This one started out gradually getting worse now seems like it may be ending. The most severe ones I have usually begin & end slowly with the worst of it in the middle. This is one of the worst ones. It's one of the ones where I can hardly feel any sense of pleasure in anything. Everything is dull, worn out. Music has no sound. Food has no flavor. My memory is just about non existent (except for all the bad things that ever happened to me…in this way it's perfect!) I can still find things amusing but not to the depth I usually do. It's hard to explain but with severe depression it's like everything is covered in plastic like that kind that food gets wrapped in and sometimes we can smell the food through the wrapper but it's dull because the plastic blocks out most of the scent. Or like a common cold when we lose most of our sense of taste but maybe catch a hint of it.
This is what severe depression is often like for me.
Even with it, I can often still laugh, even belly laughs sometimes. But there's something "dull" about it and it's not the same full laughs usually as I have when I'm not depressed. 
Even with severe depression, I can sometimes truly laugh and smile. Just because we're depressed or kill ourselves or try, doesn't mean all our smiles & laughing is/was fake or to cover up the pain. We are still us. Depression can't take away all that I am even when it seems to.

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I learned how to handle them better than I used to and I'm not constantly depressed anymore but it's very bad now. Some moments are ok then other moments I'm sure I'm going to kill myself and have a plan and all. I'm afraid to try it in case it doesn't work and triggers my physical pain disorder to flare up. That's all I need, right?! I don't want to do a half-assed job and mess things up even worse. But I keep holding on waiting for it to get better, waiting for it to end, either my life or the depression. Some moments I don't want it to get better, I just want it all to end, good, bad, everything. And I keep doing things to help myself like positive things and interesting things to distract my mind. It helps a little bit but it's hard to find the desire or motivation to do anything. But I force myself. My whole body feels heavy like something crushing me and my head feels so heavy. This episode is not triggered by anything specifically. It's not triggered by the holidays or anything. I love the holidays! And they cheer me up a little bit. It's just a deep, deep despair about nothing and everything.  A wretched kind of agony some occasions and almost numb other occasions. Nothing in my external environment has changed but inside my head is Hell. I can't wait for it to end. 

But today is much, much better than yesterday! So much better! I listened to some uplifting songs that helped a lot. Depression is biochemical as well as psychological and with practice and positive habits, we can learn to help ourselves and cope well. Not all depressed people can just listen to a happy song and be cheered up and I can't always do that. And not all depressed people can just think positively and be better but with practice, it's possible we can learn to handle it better with positive techniques like happy playlists and meditation.
I think gratitude and meditation can affect brain chemistry. It's not just things we put into our body that affect its chemistry but things we think and do. 

This quote I find so beautiful and reminds me that if we once felt something, we can feel it again no matter how long it has been or how deep our sorrow or despair is now. My cover photo on Facebook says "Life is beautiful" and I have a bracelet that says it as well. Whenever I'm in despair and see my bracelet or cover photo I am reminded that I once felt that life is beautiful and can feel that way again. 

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“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.” ~Rumi ❤

I have seen & felt my own strength, my own beauty, my golden wings so I know they are here with me and I will see them again. Even if now all I see is ugliness and weakness and all I feel are broken wings, I know some sort of strength dwells beneath the weakness and through my ugliness are glimpses of deep beauty within, and even with broken wings I will learn to fly again. 

This quote has managed to inspire me in some deep way even in the midst of this seemingly impenetrable depression. 

I want to share it here, not only because it helps me to write and share but more because it has the potential to touch someone else who may see it some day, now or later. 

Also I want to share two songs I find so uplifting. They really impact my mood for the better. 

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor- mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

This song will get you pumped! If not the message, definitely the music! But I feel that it’s the perfect music for the perfect message. Some years ago, my friend at work died and I was inconsolable. This is one of the songs that helped me cope with my devastating loss. And it helps me with my devastating episodes of depression and headaches. I hope it inspires you too! 😀

Living Colour – Glamour Boys – mobile

Living Colour – Glamour Boys – desktop

This song, I shared on Facebook recently. It’s a mixture of funny, uplifting, & inspiring. The music is upbeat and also the lyrics and video are funny. There is some wisdom to the way those glamour boys live! Not thinking about tomorrow, always laughing, always dancing….lol! They sure know how to have fun! ;-D

Depression really sucks but I feel I may be winning this battle.

So, I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are and hope you’re not struggling like me but if you are, whether it’s depression, something not so severe or something even worse, remember your beauty, your strength, your golden wings…..and hold on, keep going! 

❤

Much love,

Xoxo Kim 

New Year’s Eve

Dec31

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I find the scene funny and it makes me giggle. ;-D 

I love how they included the red cups with all the New Year stuff for when people have their drunken celebrations! 😀

Anyway, I hope it’s a safe and happy one! I hope with everything I have in me there are no tragic accidents like people overdosing on alcohol, getting hit with stray bullets, driving recklessly and killing themselves or others. Every year, along with the thrill of holidays and celebrations and things, there’s also horrible accidents and senseless deaths that could have easily been prevented. I hope it’s a happy start of a new year for EVERYONE and especially a safe one. ❤ ❤ 

Here is something I share here every year. It's inspiring and uplifting!

In Sarah Ban Breathnach’s “Simple Abundance – A Daybook of Comfort and Joy,” she writes:

“January, the month of new beginnings and cherished memories, beckons. Come, let winter weave her wondrous spell: cold, crisp, woolen-muffler days, long dark evenings of savory suppers, lively conversations, or solitary joys. Outside the temperature drops as the snow falls softly. All of nature is at peace. We should be, too. Draw hearthside. This is the month to dream, to look forward to the year ahead and the journey within.”

She also writes, “…time is the New Year’s bountiful blessing: three hundred sixty-five bright mornings and starlit evenings; fifty-two promising weeks; twelve transformative months full of beautiful possibilities; and four splendid seasons. a simply abundant year to be savored.” 

We don’t have to wait for a new year to begin to be inspired to change for the better or to be motivated to try new things. The start of a new year is just made up or a social construct. We can just as soon change our mindset, lifestyle, anything, in the middle of July. And we can keep up the same old habits into the new year. It’s not about the date but about our inner power and desire, motivation & inspiration, which we can tap into any moment of any day of the year.  Each moment, each breath is a chance for new beginnings. But the new year is symbolic of restored hope and new beginnings. So let’s let it inspire us to feel hope, love, and empowered.

Isn’t the prospect of a New Year thrilling?! I just love the feel of it each year. I have always found it thrilling but tinged with sadness. I never liked saying goodbye, not even to a number given to a year. I would think it’s sad no longer living in the year 1996, 2002, 1999….whatever it was even though it was also happy. But for the last couple of years, I don’t feel that pang of sadness as much. I haven’t experienced as much wistfulness or nostalgia and I’m not in the mood for it either. Nostalgia and longing can be both beautiful and sad. Bittersweet. 

But I’m not always looking to experience bittersweet emotions. Sometimes just sweet is fantastic. 

Also, in 2016, there will be an extra day! 366 bright mornings & starlit evenings! An extra day full of beauty, hope, opportunities, & love!!

😀

Today, at least here in Philadelphia(and quite a few other places), it’s still 2015 though so let’s not forget to cherish these last moments of this year, soak up all the beauty & magic of Now.

And here’s a song for you just because….:-D ❤

I Just Called – Stevie Wonder – mobile

I Just Called – desktop

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Happy Ney Year’s Eve!! ❤
I'm off to Buddhist meditation class later tonight and hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are. ❤

Much love,

Xoxo Kim 

Krampus

Dec27

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On Christmas day, I went to see a scary Christmas movie at night. It’s called Krampus and is based on the myth of some ancient spirit. The spirit would come to remind and punish those who stop believing in and wishing for good. In one scene, a little girl asked what if they change what they do and act in better ways so Krampus won’t get them, and an old wise lady said it’s not what we do, it’s what we believe. 

We often hear the phrase “actions speak louder than words” and “without action, our words/intention mean nothing.” While I agree in some ways, I don’t completely agree in every case.

Sometimes our intention and compassion are enough, even if it does nothing practical. Compassionate intentions, thoughts, and wishes are still good even if we cannot or do not always act on it. It’s good to be compassionate and not cold. Having compassionate, loving thoughts and intentions helps deepen our general compassion, generating loving energy, and making it more likely we will act in compassionate ways. Sometimes just being near a very loving person brings a sense of calm and peace. 

And some actions, while looking good, are not performed out of love. Someone can help others just for image or credit or reputation or out of a sense of obligation or feeling awkward not helping. 

I think the best actions are those taken out of true love & desire to help. 

It’s true that love & compassion are often best when coupled with action. But living in a state of love and compassion in our mind is also beautiful. A loving essence is beautiful

The movie reminds me of this quote:

“Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.” ~ Markus Zusak

❤

Much love,

Xoxo Kim 😀
 

Like a candle <3

Dec25

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“You are like a candle. Imagine you are sending light out all around you. All your words, thoughts and actions are going in many directions. If you say something kind, your kind words go in many directions, and you yourself go with them. We are …transforming and continuing in a different form at every moment.” ~ Thích Nhất Hạnh

❤ We transform the world with our compassion. ❤

😀

Love & ligt to you!

xoxo Kim

Caught in the rain?

Dec23

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Nahhhh…I decided to go out in the middle of a rainstorm! it’s raining cats & dogs out there! 

Even though it’s storming, I decided to walk to get my mom, sister, and me coffee & hot chocolate. 

I LOVE walking in the rain! As long as I can change my clothes and get dried off soon!

Today I soaked up the rain and let it drench me. No umbrella, no hood or raincoat or anything to shield me against the drops falling out of the sky. I felt it on the tips of my toes as I splashed thorough puddles all the way to the top of my head as it soaked my hair. Oh the joy! 

My hair just got long enough to sit on last night! Lol It was always almost long enough to sit on but just last night whenever I sit down now, my hair pulls my head back because I’m sitting on it! Lol It’s so funny it just happened in one night! Long hair problems! ;-D

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It was also funny walking in the rain. I had nothing but smiles and giggles! 😀 Everyone was probably thinking that poor girl, not knowing it was my choice and I love it.

The weather is perfect for walking in, not cold or hot. Just cool.

A couple people felt sorry for me thinking I got caught in it unexpectedly. Lol But I was loving every second! I received a few friendly and sympathetic and even funny comments. I guess a soaking wet girl with excessively long hair tends to attract attention while out walking!  

Here are a few pics of me after getting home drenched. And some rainy songs! 

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Fool in the rain – Led Zeppelin – mobile

Fool in the rain – desktop

“Now my body is starting to quiver
And the palms of my hands getting wet
I’ve got no reason to doubt you baby…” 

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Laughter in the Rain – Neil Sedaka – mobile

Laughter in the Rain – mobile

“Strolling along country roads with my baby
It starts to rain, it begins to pour
Without an umbrella we’re soaked to the skin
I feel a shiver run up my spine
I feel the warmth of her hand in mine
Ooh, I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love” ❤

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Walking in the Rain – The Walker Brothers – mobile

Walking in the Rain – desktop

“I want her and I need her
And someday, someway
I’ll meet her
She’ll be kind of shy
And real good lookin’ too
And I’ll be certain she’s the one
By the things she’ll like to do
Like walking in the rain (like walking in the rain)
And wishing on the stars up above
And being so in love” 

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Escape (The Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes – mobile

Escape – desktop

“If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I’m the love that you’ve looked for, come with me, and escape”

And here’s a beautiful song about paying attention to life and all the beauty we are blessed to know, about not taking things for granted and letting people and things and days slip away without cherishing them.

Standing Knee Deep in A River (Dying of Thirst) – Joe Cocker – mobile

Knee Deep in a River – desktop

Maybe you don’t like walking in the rain but this is a great reminder to soak up all of whatever we do love. Cherish every moment we have been given, honor each day being mindful of all the gifts it provides us. 

❤

Hugs & love,

Xoxo Kim 😀