Tag Archive | compassion

All the boy heard was the love…<3

Oct7

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(my sweet, silly, funny, loving little pomchies!! ❤ )

I read a novel a while ago called “Keeper of the Keys,” by Perri O’Shaughnessy, about a man whose wife disappears and he has a very painful and mysterious history with constantly moving with his mom to different houses and never meeting his dad who died years ago. After his wife disappears without a trace, he visits each house he lived as a boy, trying to find the secrets to his past that his mom keeps hidden. The fact that he did not know his dad growing up, and that he feels he never had a real home, contribute to his emotional anguish.

His mom paints a very negative image of his dad who is dead.

He visits his dad’s memorial and on pages, 193-4, it says this:

“He felt vast emptiness, surrounded by the dead and his own dead hopes. Every boy without a father probably harbors a secret illusion that his father would have been one of the good guys, if only. He’d load up a camper with canned food for trips to Yosemite to climb to Glacier Peak or Alaska to catch halibut, waking his son at five in the morning. Or maybe he would be the guy who dragged his boy off to museums to study the dusty Indian exhibits, who went on and on about the tar pits, and all the groggy boy heard, all the boy had to hear, was his father’s voice, not what he said. All the boy heard was the love.
The time they spent together would embed memories so deep, even if the man died, the boy could spend the rest of his lifetime savoring and honoring him.” 

This is heartbreakingly beautiful. The man is in agony over never knowing his dad. But isn’t it a beautiful concept? 

To have a relationship so loving that no matter how short lived it has been, it will still have the most incredible impact on us years and years later. Forever. 

This reminds me that it’s a great way for all of us to be with all those we are close to, everyone around us. To be so loving that we have a tremendous impact on someone even years after we are gone, no matter how our relationship ends. Whether it ends in death, just drifting apart, even a falling out, the good things we shared or did will still remain in memory. In this fantasy of the man, this boy’s relationship with his daddy is so loving, so beautiful that the man can die right then and for the rest of the little boy’s life, he will still remember and honor him. His love will outweigh the pain of his loss. He will still feel the loss and the pain but love will keep him going. 

Let’s create positive memories of each other and put mostly loving energy out into the world. Our energy affects those around us even if we aren’t always aware. 

When we are full of love and light inside, it really doesn’t always matter what we say, or if we say anything at all, people will only hear/feel our love.

I know what it’s like to be near someone who is so loving that it doesn’t matter if the person isn’t saying a word. I am enveloped in that soft, sweet, gentle love. We all have love in us, we all just don’t always act on it or allow it to be the main thing we feel and live each day.
But we can work to be better and better with it.

One of the people, I have been near who displays this kind of loving energy is an old lady I knew for years where I work. She’s a customer who comes occasionally. 

Some years ago at work one night, a man I do not and have never known, held a gun to my chest and said he would kill me and took all the money(I have nothing against him and hope he is doing well wherever he is and hope he’s no longer in that dark place he found himself in that night.). I was alone. This lady did not know me well but she was so concerned when she heard and she came the next night and asked me if I want her to walk me home that night. She would have had to walk back to her house herself after 10:00 at night for over 20 minutes! She is very small and old. And she would have done this for me! Isn’t that so sweet! Of course, I told her no but expressed my gratitude. And I will never forget that sweet act of kindness as long as I live.

Another day she heard another customer complaining that my service was too slow and it’s a man’s job, not a “little woman’s” to be working with water ice that is really hard to scoop. This lady told him in a sweet voice that I have been working there for years and always did a good job and know what I’m doing. I love how she came to my defense but not in an angry way against him. She was sweet and pleasant but firm. She defended me with compassion, not contempt for him.

She also gives me tips a lot when she comes. 

Those are indications of her loving ways. But when I really noticed her loving energy was when I felt it one day, not through her words or actions but just in her being, her essence. She was standing at the window and I just felt so enveloped, so immersed in her love. She is so gentle but her love is so powerful. 

Even if I never met her til that day at the window, I would have known her love even without her uttering a word to me.

We all have this ability to draw someone in, bathe others in our love, and at some moments, we probably do, but not all of us have developed and practice it in general. Some people are naturally more loving but even those who are less loving now, can develop it with practicing Lovingkindness to everyone everyday.

I hardly know this lady. I don’t know her name. She doesn’t come a lot to my workplace. She lives across the street. But I know her love so well. She is adorable and funny! 

One day I walked into the bar my boss owns, to give the cash back at the end of the day and the little lady was in there dancing and singing karaoke! She was singing that Oldie song “splish splash I was takin’ a bath!” lol it was so cute and funny!  

And she may not always act lovingly. She may get angry and disappointed and act less than kind occasionally, but if this is true, that doesn’t make her a less loving person as a whole. We can build our self up to be the best we can in each moment, even if we falter and aren’t always kind. But the more we practice and think lovingly, the more frequently we will act and feel loving. 

Some of us may be more receptive to one person’s energy than others are.  Even if we don’t always feel a person’s loving energy, it doesn’t mean it’s not there or that no one else feels it either. Some people just don’t sense energy much. And I think there are people with “matching energy” and when we meet those with energy similar to our own, we may click or have a deeper connection in some way than with others. But we all have energy and it’s good to make it positive. 

It doesn’t matter how long we know someone or have someone around. All the matters is the love we put out into the world. And the love we show those around us. ❤ ❤

Also check out Splish Splash, sung by Bobby Darin, a golden oldie! ;-D

Splish Splash – mobile

Splish Splash – desktop

It’s bound to put a big bright smile on your face, maybe even have you dancing around the room singing along!! ;-D

Lotsa love to y0u!! 😀 ❤ ❤

Xoxo Kim 😀

In Love With Nowhere <3

Oct6

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I read a fiction book called “In Love With Nowhere.” I loved the name as soon as I read it. I automatically interpreted as something positive like we can be in love with “nowhere” like either being physically “in the middle of nowhere” or loving each stage of life even if it seems to be going nowhere.

The book is about a man who is 30 something years old and struggling with severe substance addiction. He is a popular writer of horror fiction books and is well loved by many fans, but his addiction gets the best of him and his career, his marriage, and his whole life are suffering. 

So his agent sets up a place in the woods, a cozy cabin, for him to stay alone for a while to get better. He’ll have no contact with the outside world, other than walks through the woods and the kritters there,  and no access to drugs except smaller and smaller doses of Valium until he’s off it completely. He has to write a blog post each day to let the world know how he is doing and what he’s up to but he has no contact with readers.

Shortly after he gets to the cabin, very strange things begin happening. He’s not sure what’s real and what are hallucinations and delusions. He suffers immensely, both physically and emotionally. He experiences depression and serious physical opiate withdrawal symptoms.  He is plagued with nightmares and terrible visions. 

It’s a psychological thriller and a horror fiction book but runs deeper than just thriller and mystery. There are little life lessons and reminders throughout the book.

Also it helps deepen our empathy for those struggling with addiction. Some scenes are gutwrenching. The author really goes into detail about the physical and emotional torment that people with addiction experience. 

The book is also full of hope and inspiration.

There are little reminders to cherish the beauty all around us. To be mindful of nature and the people we see everywhere we go.

It also reminds us to take comfort in the simple pleasures, when we are sick and in pain, hot tea, a hot shower, a comfortable bed, a cool breeze, just focus on each little thing and allow it to distract us so we don’t have to focus too much on the pain or sickness we are experiencing. It’s ok to find sweet little escapes to help us cope and bring some sense of consolation no matter how small.

Also it reminds us to let go of our painful past, not to be haunted by mistakes we have made and horrific things that happened to us. Acknowledge that they happened, never repress them, but just let them go. They can’t be changed and letting them imprison us does no good to anyone. 

The book also conveys the message that as long as we’re alive, there’s always hope no matter how terrible our life seems now.

Also, it reminds us to smile big like a “simpleton!” lol! A couple occasions the man smiles a big goofy grin like a “simpleton,” The author calls it! My grandmom often called me a simpleton when I was little and I still think it’s funny! There’s nothing more beautiful than those moments where we are so filled with joy, we can just laugh and be silly without a care in the world no matter what’s going on! I have those occasions sometimes no matter how depressed or how much physical pain I’m in. We’re never too old or too bad off (as long as we’re alive) to be simple and silly and full of child-like wonder! 😀

Some scenes are beautiful and serene, some bizarre, and some frightening and very distressing but all together it’s a beautiful story and even though I don’t and never have had a drug problem, I can relate to so many of this man’s underlying experiences.

This isn’t really a spoiler but a line out of the book in case you don’t want to read it and read the book first.
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Just when the man is about to just give up, someone has this to say to him:

“You have so much potential, you can give the world so much, you will give the world so much.” 

“Like I said, the world needs you and eventually it will find a use for you. But not as a repressed drug addict.”

I find this message to be beautiful and inspiring. We are more than just our struggles and pain and we all have potential and so much to give.

We are more than a drug addict or a depressive or schizophrenic, or someone with an eating disorder or low self-esteem or someone drowning in grief. We are more than an asthmatic or cancer patient or an anxious person or whatever physical or emotional ailment or disease we have been afflicted with. So much more. Even when it feels that all we are is someone with pain or a disorder. 

We are not a disorder or a condition or an addiction. I am not my pain.
You are not your anxiety or painful experiences or emotions or words that have hurt you. You aren’t your bad habits or mistakes or flaws or shortcomings.

We have a whole personality and love and skills and gifts beneath those labels and agonizing experiences. Look, feel, and they are there. Here. 

We have so much potential.

So this book is a fun thriller and mystery but it’s also much more.  It’s grounded in hope and healing.

And I just feel the desire to share!

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Even if you don’t read the book, maybe you can find these little reminders helpful or inspiring anyway!

❤

Lots & lots of love to you! 😀

Xoxo Kim 

Protector Day – Avalokiteshvara

Sep29

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Look who arrived in the mail today! And today also happens to be Protector Day!! ❤

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This is Avalokiteshvara. He is the embodiment of love & compassion for all living sentient beings. He is one of the most celebrated of the bodhisattvas. According to the story, he chooses not to enter the blissful state of Nirvana, so he can remain here with us on Earth and save everyone in need. He is devoted to the salvation of others and this displays his fierce compassion and the depth of his love. 

His mantra is Om mani padme hum, which is said to contain all the teachings of the Buddha. 
Saying this out loud or silently is supposed to invoke the powerful, benevolent attention of Avalokiteshvara.

I love this man who is symbolic of love & compassion for all. His compassion is so complete that nothing can break him and he can handle anything. He is a great reminder to all of us, Buddhist or not, to strengthen our compassion for others. Not just humans but anything that can feel and has interests. 

Imagine having compassion so complete, so deep, so full that nothing can seriously disturb us. 

Here is to Avalokiteshvara out of the booklet.
Praise to Avalokiteshvara:

“You whose white coloured body
Is unstained by faults,
Whose crown is adorned with 
A fully enlightened Buddha,
Who gaze upon migrators
With eyes of compassion,
To you Arya Avalokiteshvara
I prostrate.” (out of the prayer booklet)

We can offer him beautiful things such as flowers, candles, sweet fragrant things, tea, the sun & the moon….not that he needs these but it shows our devotion to universal compassion and gets our own minds in the habit of love. 

Here is the prayer booklet info.:

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You don’t have to believe in someone who actually hears prayers for this to be helpful. As I said, it gets our minds in the habit of acting and thinking purely and lovingly.

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These two are photos out of the booklet.

Here is the visualization:

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And here is a beautiful song with the mantra said throughout:

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Om mani padme hum – mobile

Om mani padme hum – desktop

It’s a great song to meditate to! And play in the background of whatever we’re doing. It’s over 23 minutes long and I listen to it very frequently. It’s soothing and inspiring. I’m listening to it right now! 

Here is my necklace with him on it.

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His four arms! It’s just adorable! 

I love when they have multiple arms! 

And here is my Mala, for the mantra om mani padme hum.

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Isn’t it beautiful?! 

It’s believed by Buddhists that just seeing this mantra or hearing it has very powerful effects and just seeing a Buddha statue or picture is as good as seeing the real thing!  

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I just love how he came to me today on Protector Day!! How sweet!!! I ordered him a few days ago! 

Happy Protector Day!! I think this day is a fantastic reminder to use our power to help others. Most of us have power over someone and are in a “lower” position than someone else. Let’s use our power and advantages for good. To help, uplift, inspire, heal, hug, and love. Let’s lift people up, not drag them down. Lift each other in love. ❤ ❤

😀

Lots of love to you!

xoxo Kim

The Most important relationship is…<3

Sep25

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~Be someone who makes everyone feel like someone.~ ❤

Recently, I was at the synagogue with my good friend, Mike, for the Jewish new year. I met him in college years ago and we are still good friends. His family warmly & lovingly invites me to their houses often for their holidays. 

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(my friends, Jim, Charlie, Mike, and me in New York City, a few years ago one sweet Spring day <3) 😀

We attended a beautiful event at the synagogue a few weeks ago where we sat under the stars at night drinking tea and singing and connecting, and the rabbi asked us which relationships in life are most important and there were various answers. The obvious ones were of course, our relationships with friends & family. Other answers were coworkers, God, our own self, the synagogue family. I was thinking that our relationship with everyone is important. Not just our longterm relationships but even just brief encounters with others each day. I did not say this out loud but one man volunteered his answer which was extremely similar to my own. He said our most important relationship is the one we have with everyone, just in general. 

I couldn't agree more. My most important relationship is the one with whoever it is I'm currently engaging with whether that someone is a friend, a family member, someone I am close with, someone I hardly know, a customer at work, a coworker, a sales person, a bus driver, an animal/pet, an insect, a person I would rather not be around, a doctor, a boss, a person I meet walking up a street or in a park or in traffic….whoever I am right here with, right now. It's important to give that person my full, undivided attention. It's important to be mindful of what is right before me in this moment.

It's all that matters. Let's listen, truly listen when someone is talking. Let's not zone out and think about future plans or food or our phone or whatever we may want when someone is in our presence and attempting to communicate with us. Even if what the person is saying doesn't interest us, it's important to that person so we can make it important to us. This won't always be easy, mindfulness takes practice and our minds tend to stray now and then. 

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Right now is our most important moments. And whoever is with us is our most important relationship at that moment. (in my opinion. I understand someone else may have a different view.)

This takes me back to 11th grade when our English teacher told us that every encounter we have with someone, no matter how brief, even someone we may never see again, is a relationship worth nurturing the best we can. He gave an example of a seemingly trivial encounter, with a bus driver.

But he explained the importance of even an encounter like that. Getting on a bus, putting money in, is part of our life and it’s good to make it a positive part. Be friendly to the bus driver. 

I did not completely realize the wisdom of what he told us back then but I felt that it is somehow important. Now I know. 

One little encounter can have a profound effect on someone. For better or worse. We have the ability to choose words, gestures, actions…that can lift someone or potentially drag someone down. Let’s choose to lift others up. 

Let’s make everyone feel like someone. 

❤ 😀

Also, this is one of the songs we sang at the synagogue. “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by the Byrds. It was beautiful to hear all the people singing together. 

Turn! Turn! Turn! – mobile

Turn! Turn! Turn! – desktop

Lotsa, Lotsa love to you! 😀

Xoxo Kim ❤

Universal Love & World Peace <3

Sep25

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Only Love Can Bring World Peace – mobile

Only Love Can Bring World Peace – desktop

Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, a Buddhist monk and meditation master, in this video above, speaks of Universal Love and the nonsense of war and nuclear weapons. 

He explains how the only way to put an end to war & violence around the world is the practice 
of Dharma, which is Buddha’s teachings, but he also explains that by Dharma, he just means love, patience, and respect of others. Buddha’s teachings are grounded in love. He mentions that he doesn’t preach this because he’s a Buddhist, although that he is. This message is not exclusive to Buddhism and not something to only be carried out by Buddhists.

Anyone irrespective of religious views can share and live this message. 

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Here, Geshe-la explains that LOVE is the most powerful nuclear explosive. It can destroy enemies. Now, at first this may seem horrific as if we want to blow up our enemies! But when he says destroy “enemies,” he is not referring to persons or any living sentient being, he is referring to the concept of enemy. Let’s destroy the concept of someone being our enemy. This doesn’t mean destroying someone who is flesh & blood.

Even if other people consider us their enemy, we do not have to return those thoughts and feelings against them. 

I can be someone’s enemy without that person being mine. 

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If we all think this way, there will be no more enemies in the world. Even if just some of us think this way, there will be more love in the world and less violence and hostility. Even if it’s just one small part of the world, that is incredible! We are made of energy and our energy goes out into the world around us, let’s make it loving energy. Let’s summon all the love we can and destroy the whole notion of enemy.

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Oh, my! My heart just wells up with love and gratitude for this adorable little man & his beautiful message. ❤

It's ok to love our country and our culture but we are not better than anyone else, we are all equal, all one. Some countries have more advanced governments and more human rights applied and cleaner water and more food available but their citizens are no more deserving than the citizens of any other country. 

Borders and boundaries and governments and organization are all “man-made,” even though in some cases they may be necessary. We don't have to use them or the concept of them as a weapon against each other.  Even if we don’t do anything practical to help people in other parts of the world, like travel or donate money, just deepening our compassion and empathy is good. It emits positive energy into our world and inspires us to act more lovingly in general.

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(this isn’t my picture, I don’t know the source)

Let's not just think of our own community members as our brothers and sisters and not just think of our selves as citizens of our own country but citizens of the whole world. That's what each of us are.

Let's forget the enemy. Not forget our enemies as the people they are but forget their role as enemy to us.

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❤ ❤

All of these pictures of Venerable Kelsang are screen captures I took of parts of the video above.

And here is a lovely song about universal love:

What the World Needs Now – Dionne Warwick – mobile

What the World Needs Now – desktop

Love sweet love. ❤

“No not just for some but for everyone.” ❤

An Oldie and goodie! ❤

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We may not always live up to this even if we think it's a sweet message. Sometimes we may act selfishly, argue negatively, act in an unkind manner. But we can acknowledge this and try to be better and better. It's ok to fall as long as we keep getting back up. ❤

😀

Much love to you,

xoxo Kim ❤

A Beautiful Smile is Always in Style

Sep24

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“I saw you smile
And my mind could not erase the beauty of your face” ~ Richard Marx

Look at this! 

I’m not the political junkie I used to be and don’t write/talk much about politics anymore. I still find it interesting and it’s definitely important. Also, I’m not secretive about my views. If it comes up or whatever, I will gladly state whatever religious or political views I hold. Even knowing people may be offended. No matter what view we have, someone somewhere will be offended. Even if it’s the most loving opinion and even when it’s stated calmly.

But anyway I’m sharing this picture not for politics but the beauty of their faces so happy and laughing together. 

😀

That’s the Catholic pope in the pic with our (U.S.) president. And he looks so beautiful as well. I’m not Catholic(although my mom insists that I am). And I’m not completely politically Liberal. But this picture warms my heart. They look so genuinely happy and sharing a feeling of togetherness.  

I’m not sharing this pic because of who they are as president and pope but for the beauty of it. I love to see them smile. ❤ 😀 

So cute! 

We need more & more genuine laughter & smiles in the world and this brings beams of sunlight into the world.

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Another smile for you! 😀

For a moment, let’s forget all the disagreements, hostility, politics, arguments, debates…and bask in the beauty of smiles, love, & laughter.

❤

And like I said, I don't agree with all their views but I love that this Catholic man seems so accepting and loving. He is against animosity for lgbtq people. Also, he supports forgiveness/understanding for abortion, divorce, and criminal activity. 

He is against abortion and criminal activity but he promotes love for girls who have abortions, abortion doctors, and criminals. I agree with him that they deserve love & compassion, not hostility, contempt, and cruelty even if we don't agree with their decisions. Everyone does something that someone else does not like.

They as the people they are, deserve only love, not negative judgment even if we insist on judging their actions. 

We can not like everything someone does but still love & accept the person as a whole. ❤

There's all kinds of stuff we can critiscize the two men above (and everyone!) for and that's ok. But there's also much good we can see in them. And that's even better!

😀

Smile loves!

Lots of love to you. ❤

xoxo Kim

I Am your Mirror

Sep22

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“We are pain and what cures pain, both. We are the sweet cold water and the jar that pours. I want to hold you close like a lute, so that we can cry out with loving. Would you rather throw stones at a mirror? I am your mirror and here are the stones.” ~ Attributed to Mevlana Rumi 

What a beautiful quote! I think it conveys a message that we have the potential to do, be various things, even opposites. We can be positive or negative, loving or selfish, warm and caring or cold and distant. We are the source of our own problems but we are also the source of the solution to those problems. We have gifts and the ability to share those gifts.

I feel that it’s a quote about interconnectedness and Oneness. Underneath, we all share a basic sentience or experience. We all have very similar qualities and not just humans but animals and insects as well. All sentient beings have needs and desires, interests, are capable of pleasure and pain, joy, and suffering. What we see in our own self, if we look closely, we can see it in others. And what we see in others, we can find in our own self when we look deep within. 

The end of the quote about the mirror seems to indicate that we are very similar and maybe how our actions even against our self can affect others or our actions against others can affect our own self. It also seems like someone offering to take on someone else’s pain. That is beautiful selflessness! Don’t hurt yourself, hurt me if you must hurt someone!

I love the quote and what it seems to mean and there are probably so many, many interpretations we can come up with. I think it just flows beautifully even without thinking about the meaning.

It also reminds me of this:

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.”

Again, a message that conveys that underneath, deep within, we are very similar, we are one. Never feel alone, whatever you feel, pleasant or unpleasant, joyous or painful, someone somewhere is experiencing something or has experienced something quite like it. This can deepen our empathy & compassion. Let’s remember how it feels to be happy, accomplish something, have something pleasant happen to us and be happy for others just as we would for our own self. And let’s recall how it feels to be in pain, scared, anxious, to be filled with sorrow and want to help heal & uplift others as much or even more than we want our own pain soothed. Let’s remember how it feels and refuse to inflict that upon someone else. But let’s show compassion & deep understanding to those who attempt to inflict pain upon us.

“…Would you rather throw stones at a mirror? I am your mirror and here are the stones.”

xoxo Kim ❤ 

If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going

Sep19

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“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”~ Khalil Gibran

For the last couple of weeks I have been experiencing “ice pick” headaches, which are beyond excruciating. These aren’t the same as the cluster-like headaches I sometimes write about. My cluster-like headaches, which are a result of my chronic pain disorder, last much, much longer than “ice pick” headaches(sometimes cluster headaches are referred to as “ice pick” headaches, they have similar symptoms), also a result of this dreadful but non life threatening disorder. 

Ice pick headaches last, literally, only a few seconds. But the pain is unbearable or would be if the duration were longer. The pain level is almost to the same excruciating level as my cluster-like headaches are. I call them “cluster-like” because I don’t have Cluster Headache (CH) that I know of but I have a different pain disorder that triggers similar headaches. The ice pick ones don’t feel as much like a burning sensation as the cluster ones.

These ice pick headaches I have been experiencing off and on, I think every single day now for like two weeks, make it feel like someone is slicing through the back of my head with something (probably why they are called what they are called). This isn’t metaphorical/poetic speaking/writing or whatever; it literally feels like an assault on my body.

I don’t even like using the word “literally” much because it has become a trend to use it so loosely or unnecessarily, when things aren’t actually/literally “literal” that it seems, to me, to have lost its meaning or seriousness or its literal-ness. Or something like that. 

Many people have developed the habit now of saying/writing things like “I literally spilled my coffee on me today!” “I literally missed the bus!” “I literally can’t live without this new drink I discovered!” “I’m literally going to dye my hair today!” “I literally just can’t even!” lol

I’m so thankful for the word “literally.” The saying “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” applies here. I can’t say that about everything I have/had. Many things I do know what I have/had before it’s gone but I never realized what an incredible purpose the word “literally” serves (or served) until people started overusing it. Sometimes I’m so frustrated because I can’t seem to get my point across about my pain or convey the true agony or depth of it. And the word “literally” has often saved me, helped it feel that I am in fact getting most of my experience to be understood. “My head literally feels like it’s splitting” or “I feel that it can literally kill me.” 

But now the poor word has lost its weight, its ability to be taken seriously and with it goes my sense that I’m getting my true experience out there. 

So thanks to all those who “literally” cannot live without coffee and “literally” flew to the bus this morning and still missed it and “literally” jumped out of your skin when something scared you silly, and “literally just can’t even.” Now “literally” and me have lost our voice. Lol Jk I’m not really resentful, I’m actually quite amused. But it’s true that when we use a word so much and out of place or so loosely, it tends to seem to lose its original message. Some words change or have additional definitions after a while and that’s ok. But come on! This isn’t even the case here! This word is being tossed around in a completely nonsensical way. oh, well.

But these ice pick assaults feel as if my head is truly splitting. And it’s like bolts of electricity searing through my face, head, eye, temple without warning. They come on out of nowhere.

I don’t have them frequently each day but they are becoming more frequent, hopefully only temporarily . They are not as traumatic as the cluster-like ones but nearly as painful. Every day now I have them usually on two occasions, usually later in the day, like early evening then again later at night. And on each occasion, I experience usually two or three, one right after the other. Like bolts of electricity or invisible bullets piercing my temple and eyeball and like something sharp plunging into my head, on the top and in the back on one side, the right side. After the barbaric attack ends, I feel physically weak. Sometimes hot or dizzy, and sometimes I have an urge to sob.  

When they end I feel like I can pass out and often sit to rest a couple minutes and during the seconds they occur, I feel as if the pain itself can physically kill me. If I did not have the pain disorder or wasn’t diagnosed, I would seriously think I’m dying. I would be convinced. Sometimes I still wonder if I’m dying when it’s happening. 

It’s amazing how many thoughts and feelings we can have in a mere few seconds. I never really realized that before these ice pick attacks began everyday like this. It reminds me to watch my thoughts and make sure they are mostly positive and loving. Also, it reminds me how much can happen in a second, how each second truly matters. In a second, my world can crumble on top of me and in a second, hope can creep into my head and lift me and in a second my wisdom can deepen and I can discover and learn and share. In a second I can choose to conquer my pain and in one second I can choose love.

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We often seem to think of one second as useless or too fleeting to matter. But this life is made up of one seconds, single breaths, fleeting moments, individual heartbeats. Together we realize how important they are but each one in itself, we seem to tend to forget. I am reminded to cherish each one. Hold each one close to me. Make the most of each & every one. 

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One thing that I find that helps me cope with severe physical pain and the emotional trauma of it is to accept the pain instead of judging it or wishing it away. Taking deep breaths and allowing the pain to come as it will. This can be extremely difficult but with practice it gets easier.

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I have sometimes been angry with the physical agony of my chronic/episodic pain disorder and sometimes even at my body or the part of it responsible for this hell.  

I love my body, both the aesthetic beauty of it and what it does for me, allows me to live, to love, to experience, to reach out my hand and help someone or reach out my arms and warmly embrace others.

But sometimes when I have been very sick (with kidney stones for example) or in pain, I let my love take the backburner and felt a devastating sense of betrayal. Like my body is betraying me, doing this to me. After all the love I have lavished onto it and express for it. As if my body has consciously chosen to do this to me. Sometimes I have been angry at my jaw, the source of all my pain. This is very rare for me to experience but I have felt it before. 

What is more common is for me to become furious with my physical pain itself. I have even felt an urge to seek revenge upon it. It sounds amusing and ridiculous and makes no sense. Pain is not a sentient thing with a choice or consciousness. But I have felt furious and wanted to scream at it and throw and break objects while cursing my pain for destroying me. I have waited for my pain to materialize before me so I can rip it to shreds. Into little pieces, the way I feel that it does to me. 

This doesn’t help. Screaming and taking fits while in the midst of a severe flare up of physical pain, fantasizing about seeking revenge on my pain, does nothing to help me. It doesn’t ease my pain or relieve my anger. All it serves to do is worsen it. And it is devastating enough without unnecessarily adding to it.  

(It’s interesting to think about this because I don’t hurt or kill humans, animals, insects, any living, sentient beings intentionally ever so I know if my pain really was a sentient thing I can seek revenge on, I wouldn’t.)

Accepting my pain and my body is what helps. And meditating upon all the good my body does for me. I have now learned when I’m in physical agony, even seemingly unbearable physical agony, to ask myself “What is this pain teaching or reminding me?” “How can I use this experience to help inspire or bring a sense of consolation or hope to others?” In the earlier days of my pain disorder, it was rare that I was able do this. 
Back then all I was mostly able to do is scream and collapse and writhe on the floor and pace back and forth or crack my head against a wall all night long. Most of my thoughts were frantic and panicked, often despairing. Sometimes they still are and sometimes I still do these things, still get angry but more often now, I am able to consciously allow my pain to strengthen me and teach or remind me, deepen my wisdom and empathy for others in those moments.

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As soon as I feel the agony of my disorder flaring up, I am reminded of how I never want anyone to ever feel this way and try to think of ways I can bring even just a fraction of consolation or inspiration to others. I now have the ability to summon loving feelings more often than I used to when I was in severe pain. I am reminded that others are suffering or may be or can later be suffering like me and it deepens my compassion. It reminds me that when I feel like responding to things with unkindness, it’s better to instead respond with compassion. Compassion can ease suffering. 

My pain is worth it if I can use it as a catalyst for positive change and if I can allow it to inspire me to reach out and help someone in some way, even if it’s just sharing a positive quote or picture on social media. Or reminding myself to show more compassion even to people acting less than kind, at any moment they can be struck with pain or maybe already are suffering. 

One thing I learned that I would have never known if not for my disorder, is the existence of “beyond unbearable pain.” I never knew that physical pain can be beyond severe or beyond unbearable. Now I know. I think life itself is  beautiful  and while I don’t want to suffer, if I have to its good to let it teach me. Pain to all extents is part of this life. And the more I get to experience of life, the better! Even when it’s not pleasant. I won’t go out looking for pain but if it happens to find me, I will embrace it. I don’t always succeed but that’s ok. 

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Though it can often feel like it, my pain is not my enemy. It is my teacher, my lessons, my inspiration, my strength. And I am not a victim of my body. My body does all it can to keep me alive even when it’s sick and in pain. It does all it can for me. It doesn’t want to suffer.

When I keep this in mind and focus on this and lavish love onto the places of me that hurt, when I breathe, consciously aware of each breath that goes in and out, and remember I am not my pain, it helps me cope. Pain is separate and I can build an invisible/emotional barrier to distance my body or self and the pain so I won’t identify with the pain. 

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One of my favorite books is “How to Solve Our Human Problems” by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, meditation master, Buddhist monk, teacher of Buddhism, and one of my favorite authors. In his book he writes:

“The feelings of hurt are inseparably bound up with grasping at I and mine. We strongly feel ‘I am hurt’ or ‘My feelings are hurt.'” (How to Solve Our Human Problems pp. 43)

And 

“There is an enormous difference between the thoughts, ‘I am feeling bad,’ and ‘Unpleasant feelings are arising in my mind.’ When we identify with our feelings, we make them bigger and more solid than they are, and it becomes much more difficult to let the unpleasant feelings go. On the other hand, when we learn to view our feelings in a more detached way, seeing them simply as waves in the ocean of our mind, they become less frightening and much easier to deal with constructively.”  (pp. 44) 

When I first read this, I laughed hysterically. 

“Unpleasant feelings are arising in my mind.”

Sometimes I still do. Who goes around saying “There are unpleasant feelings arising in my mind?” Imagine being pissed at someone and yelling “There are angry feelings arising in my mind at you!!” Lmao I couldn’t say that and keep a straight face. I’m laughing as I’m writing this.

But these words he speaks are true. 

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Venerable Geshe Kelsang’s point is to dissociate or detach, to not allow our self to identify with our pain. Not ever to repress or deny it but to not be one with it, to distance ourself and our unpleasant emotions or feelings. We are not those painful feelings. We acknowledge them and that they severely affect us. But then we detach and realize they are not inherent in our existence. If something is not me or essential to my very existence, I don’t have to identify with it. 

I couldn’t see exactly how this can work but I love Geshe-la and while I don’t agree with all his views, I trust his word. His practical tips are extremely helpful and his love and wisdom run deep. 

One night, somewhat recently, I woke up in excruciating physical pain which triggered fear. People often say emotional pain is worse than physical. I can’t completely agree. Both can be agonizing and it’s dependent upon the one experiencing the pain and the situation, the degree of pain…

To me, severe physical pain is harder to deal with than severe emotional pain. And I have felt both horrific physical and emotional pain. 

So that night I was horrified and in unimaginable physical agony, beyond belief. My head was throbbing, aching, burning…

And I remembered his words. 

And I thought to myself “There is physical pain arising in my head” while taking deep deliberate breaths. I meditated upon the fact that pain and me are separate even when it feels I am consumed by it. Even when it feels I am one with it. Even when I don’t know where pain ends and I begin. I am not pain. I am not fear. Pain and fear are not inherent in me. I couldn’t believe the effect it had on me. Even though I did not completely grasp the concept. It calmed my fear and helped me cope. I felt my pain becoming more distant. Not going away, not necessarily even lessening but my self becoming less identified with it. This way I have a less negative emotional reaction to the physical pain.

This detachment can work for both physical & emotional pain. We are not our painful thoughts, our grief, our sadness or depression or anxiety. We are not our anger or our jealousy. These things arise in our body/mind but they are not us.

Instead of thinking I am in pain or my head hurts or I am scared, I detach, distance myself, dissociate. I don’t allow concepts of me or my body or I to be in the same breath as pain or fear. Fear & pain arise in my body but they are not me. They are not my body, not my mind, not my essence. They are separate. And by carefully selecting my choice of words, my thoughts, I can emphasize this and cope better with pain and fear. 

My body does hurt.
My head really hurts. 
I am scared.
I am in pain.

These are all the truth.

But these sentences do not always serve me well. They bring my body, me, my mind together with pain, allowing pain and fear to collide with me. Our choice of words and our thoughts have an effect either positive or negative and there are choices we can make to help us in painful situations.

Again, it’s not about denying or repressing but detaching. I can have something, admit that I have it but not identify with it. This even goes for positive things like money or a great job. I have those things if I do but they are not me. And I can separate my self and them. Then when I lose them I still will not be lost or diminished. 

Also, laughter always helps. And it’s hard not to laugh when I think this way. Lol It sounds ridiculous. Who talks this way?! ;-D

But it really does help me.

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(This is the back of the book. It just has a blur effect I put on because it looks prettier that way. The original picture looks kind of plain. This has a dreamy effect.)

I also would love to share some quotes and these songs for anyone in need or anyone who may be inspired or uplifted or just curious or entertained by them.

Songs:

If You’re Goin’ Through Hell – Rodney Atkins – mobile

If You’re Going Through Hell – desktop

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor – mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

Hero – Mariah Carey – mobile

Hero – desktop

Quotes

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” (Mayor Pappas, “City Hall” movie quote)

“Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us.” ~ Charles Kingsley 

And we don’t have to let it conquer us.

“Pain can be endured and defeated only if it is embraced. Denied or feared, it grows.” ~ Dean Koontz 

“While there’s life, there’s hope.” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

“Today I will see something positive in all situations.”

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

“I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.” ~ Dalai Lama 

“When you come close to sellin’ out,
Reconsider” ~ LeeAnn Womack

“Take that first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”

“Some people see a hopeless end, others see an endless hope.” ~ Unknown

“I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today.” — Og Mandino

“And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you” ~ Mariah Carey 

When I was in college, in one of my psychology classes, our professor, a clinical psychologist and very loving woman, would play this song for us and for our homework assignment, we had to print out the lyrics and were told to always keep them and look to them for inspiration. We were also required, for an exam, to fill in the blank part of the lyrics. It really is a beautiful song, isn’t it? Very inspiring and comforting and her voice, so soothing. ❤

“Embrace your challenges with an open heart because through every challenge, strength forms.” 

“You are not the victim of your body. ” ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup

“We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.” ~ Aristotle Onassis

Our pain may not end or not end soon but we can still be happy, peaceful, live in love. It's all about conquering the pain and dancing in the rain & storms, sailing in the winds. 

“You could go the distance, you could run the mile, you could walk straight through Hell with a smile.” ~ The Script

“To embrace all things means first that one holds no anger or resistance toward any idea or thing, living or dead, formed or formless. Acceptance is the very essence of the Tao.”

“If you're going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill 

This is for everyone in pain of any sort whether physical or emotional or with any problem. There’s always someone, somewhere who understands. There’s always hope as long as there is life. 

❤ ❤ ❤ 😀 

Lots of love to you!! 😀

Xoxo Kim 

30 Days of Photos – Day 22 – {Ordinary Angels} <3

Sep18

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“It is extraordinary how extraordinary the ordinary person is.” ~ George Will 

The topic for Day 22 of the 30 days photo challenge is to get a photo of random people. 

August 22nd was day 22 for me.

It’s kind of rude taking pics of people without permission so it’s best, in my opinion, if this is done while their backs are turned or the picture is blurred or something or just show part of the person in a way that can’t be identified. Unless we ask for permission, which I’m not bold enough to do! Lol

I LOVE people! To most people I probably seem reserved or introverted. I have been mistaken for someone with social anxiety and even called “anti social” or a “loner” more than once. These are not at all true. I am very calm, although very shy in social settings, some more than others, if I don’t know the people well or don’t see them very often. It does take a while sometimes for me to open up but only because I’m shy, not because I am scared, anxious, or not trusting or not open or anything. I’m just the opposite. I’m extremely trusting of people in general, even strangers and people who have betrayed me before. It’s just my nature to be very trusting. And I’m very open to sharing my experiences and opinions when I do get talking, even ones that may be controversial or less than pleasant.

To me, being shy doesn’t feel like anxiety or fear or nervousness. It feels more similar to “awkward” or “embarrassed” though not exactly that. It’s impossible to put into words and people have always asked me why I’m so shy. There’s no specific reason. I just am. I’m the shyest one but also the most extroverted one in my family. I’m nowhere near as shy as when I was a kid. Then I struggled with crippling shyness. 

And “anti social” does not mean what many people think it does. It’s actually an inclination towards criminal activity or violence or aggression, not just someone who prefers to be alone or doesn’t like people. I am not anti-social in either sense.
 
And I’m certainly no loner. I love and often long to be around people. I wish I had lots more friends and a bigger family or knew more people in my family and everywhere. I’m just shy and don’t have many friends, it’s not because I want to be this way. I just am. I am a very shy extrovert! But it’s mostly not a problem. It doesn’t hold me back. If I wasn’t so shy when I was young though, I would probably have more friends. 

So I love the topic for Day 22 because people are something I love. 

I got one picture of people that day, not with their backs turned but luckily it turned out blurred enough so they can’t be identified or I wouldn’t have put it on or would have tried to blur it myself. I looked up the street and the scene looked pretty and two people were walking up and I took the pic and I’m happy with it. 🙂 It’s not the best but it’s a good attempt!

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And here are some more pics I got on different days of random people/ordinary angels:

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I think every person has potential and a light to be lavished onto the world and I believe people are basically good with good intentions.

It’s also my belief that no one is better than anyone no matter what religious or political views, gender, race, skin color, nationality, gender identity, weight, ethnicity, size, sexual orientation, living situations, financial status, job, physical appearance…

Beauty comes in various forms. And every life matters! 

I think we are all one and all connected and can help each other and deepen our compassion and love for others.

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It’s true what the quote above says, the average or “ordinary” person is extraordinary. We all have love to provide to someone and can do something no matter how seemingly simple or small, to help heal, inspire, or uplift someone.

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Here is one of my absolute favorite songs! A beautiful country song about how every one of us has some ability to help another in some way. We don’t need money, a job, don’t have to be famous or have lots of power or be popular or look any certain way…all we need is a compassionate heart and a desire to reach out to someone. ❤

Ordinary Angels – mobile

Ordinary Angels – desktop

”
It could be someone walking down the street
A stranger on a bus
A little kid on his way to school
Or any one of us
We all got a little superman ready to take flight
And save a life, oh save a life
Take a look around and you’ll see ordinary angels” ~ Craig Morgan

I love this song and the message that any one of us can do something, even the simplest thing like just smiling at someone, to help turn someone’s day or even life around for the better.

❤

There are an infinite amount of ways we can help, uplift, or brighten someone’s day whether the person is a stranger to us, a coworker, a friend or family member…we can genuinely compliment the person, look for the good in others, choose to understand someone who is being difficult or unpleasant instead of criticizing in a negative way or judging, understand that even the most loving, selfless people make mistakes and can act in a selfish or rude manner, leave one dollar on a park bench or bus seat for a stranger to find, write an uplifting note to a friend or for someone to stumble upon, write loving messages to people on social media, use our accounts for positivity and goodness, let someone in front of us in line at a store, give up our seat for someone else, feed homeless animals, put insects outside instead of killing them, choose to forgive and move forward, smile at a person who rudely bumps into us in a crowded place or gives us an unpleasant glare, practice patience, wish someone the best, show kindness to everyone we encounter, put money in a tip or donations jar, try to make someone laugh, send an anonymous gift to a struggling single mother or father, listen attentively to someone in distress without offering unsolicited suggestions or solutions, hug someone, encourage someone, help a child or old person cross a street, hold our tongue when we feel like saying something unnecessary and unkind, use our own pain to deepen our compassion for others ….so many ways!! We don’t need any certain paid or volunteer job or any job to help someone each & every day. We can all inspire and uplift others in every day, ordinary contexts no matter who or what we are.

Much love to you!

❤

xoxo Kim 😀

Your Brain on Fiction

Jul25

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I have known that reading fiction can help deepen our empathy, understanding, and compassion for real people and real life situations. I experienced this myself in some ways and it just makes sense. When we see people in real life acting certain ways that seem unusual or negative, we may be quick to judge that person. We have no idea why this person is acting this way. We don’t know exactly what is going on in that person’s life or head. But in fiction, the author let’s us into the heads and lives of the characters. We have a very good idea why the characters do certain things where in real life, we often have no idea. In fiction, we can judge less because we understand and know better.  
For example, I recently read a novel (Killing Me Softly by Bianca Sloane) where a lady is being abused by her husband in every way there is to be abused. Sexually, other physical ways (hit, knocked to the floor, locked in a closet…), emotionally (he treats her as if she is less than him), and verbally(calls her insults and things). 
This lady is basically a prisoner in her own house. The neighbors would judge her thinking she’s freaky and a weirdo. She would act strange in public, hardly speaking to anyone, even neighbors, always being in a hurry to get home, acting fearful and urgent, dressed in very bland, unusual clothing because he forced her to, out of fear that other men would be attracted to her.
These neighbors had no idea what was going on with her but we, the readers are aware and instead of judging her as being a “freak,” we can have compassion instead. 
But what if this were reality and we were the real neighbors to her. We would have no idea what’s going on with her. We couldn’t get into her head like we can when she’s the character in a novel. 
Would we judge her, think of her as the “weirdo” of the street? Would we stop and think maybe the poor girl is suffering or just needs some love & compassion?
My compassion & empathy have always been very developed in general but I notice that fiction opens me up even more.

I have also read many other realistic novels where characters would act in a bizarre or very unpleasant way, provoked by horrific things that happened to them.
Some characters, I judged negatively myself and also would have if they were real people. Some of these characters are violent or bitter or just not appealing. 
Then the authors let me into their heads, allowing me to observe and feel every emotion and thought the person has(we can’t always do this with real people because we aren’t in their heads but the characters are realistic and have similar experiences to real people), and I understood better and made it a point to try to show and have more compassion in person to real people. 

I think this is a good reminder to develop stronger compassion and understanding for people in general. Unlike in fiction, we have no idea why they do what they do. Maybe they are suffering, being abused, mentally ill….we can’t possibly know completely what someone else’s life is like. Let’s try to better understand and be slower to judge. Compassion is always good even if someone isn’t suffering, compassion as a way of life is beautiful.

I think fiction can help open our minds and help us deepen our empathy & compassion in general.

And I just discovered this essay, while reading various things about psychology, the brain, neuroscience, and studies. This happened to show up and is fascinating! 

The Neuroscience of Your Brain on Fiction by Annie Paul – mobile version

I can’t for the life of me find out how to get the non mobile/desktop link.

Maybe this?

or you can just look it up if you want:

Your Brain on Fiction
The Neuroscience of Your Brain on Fiction
By ANNIE MURPHY PAUL
MARCH 17, 2012

It brings two of my favorite things together, brain studies or research and reading fiction! Very interesting!  

It shows that while reading fiction, our brains have extremely similar reactions as when we are involved in real life situations.
The brain, in some way, can’t tell the difference even though we know it’s not real. Our brain can’t completely distinguish fantasy and fiction. Some parts of our brain takes fiction for being real. 
This is a good reason to be careful what we read. Too much horror and heavy stuff can drag us down and generate negative energy. It’s good to mix it up a bit and read things to immerse our self in positive energy. 

Also the studies suggest that reading fiction does help deepen our empathy. And to rule out the possibility that it’s just people who happen to be more empathetic who read more, the researchers accounted for that. They did studies with pre-school children. When they read stories to them, the little kids seemed to develop better understanding for real life. It makes perfect sense to me! And I think it also applies watching movies. 

I hope you are having a great day/night!
😀

Xoxo Kim ❤