Tag Archive | joy

September 21st – World Gratitude Day

Today, September 21st, is World Gratitude Day!! Yay!! I’m not a fan of gratitude on just certain days but everyday! But it’s great to have a whole day to bring awareness to gratitude. Gratitude can be a fleeting feeling that comes out of the blue every once in a while or when something great happens or around holidays. But it can also be a way of life, a conscious habit, an intentional decision we make each and every day to experience gratitude no
matter what. When good things are happening, when bad things are happening, in happiness and in pain. In sadness and even despair. In joy, laughter, and in tears. Live it and breathe it. It’s life changing. No matter how naturally grateful we are, how easily it usually comes to us or how ungrateful we are, we can choose to consciously live in gratitude, to feel it in every cell of our bodies, in every pulsation of our hearts, in the pores of our skin, deep into the marrow of our bones. We can summon these feelings often after developing the habit of living in gratitude. We can do this by using certain techniques, meditation, gratitude journaling each day writing a list of
things we are thankful for that day or in general, gratitude photography taking a photo each day of something that inspires gratitude in us, making mental lists of all we are thankful for, sharing quotes, reading books on gratitude…

In honor of World Gratitude Day, here are a few beautiful quotes related to the concept of gratitude.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
John F. Kennedy

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Melody Beattie

“I’m thankful for a pair of shoes that feel really good on my feet; I like my shoes.

I’m thankful for the birds; I feel like they’re singing just for me when I get up in the morning… Saying, ‘Good morning, John. You made it, John.’

I’m thankful for the sea breeze that feels so good right now, and the scent of jasmine when the sun starts going down.

I’m thankful…” ~

Johnny Cash

At any given moment we can think of a list of reasons why our lives suck but at that same moment we can think of a list of reasons while our lives are simply amazing! The choice is ours. Here’s to Gratitude EVERY DAY!!

😀

Xoxo Kim

Living for the simple moments {beauty all around}

Sep17

“Underneath your blackest emotions,
far above your brightest wishes,
stands a world for you to hold” ~Samael

I was watching videos about children who suffer with severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia. It’s currently incurable and is a lifelong struggle for them. They suffer immensely and so do their families and those close to them who do the best they can to cope and help them cope.
They suffer hallucinations and delusions, some pleasant and some not pleasant.
They talk to things no one else can see.
Unlike some children, these aren’t imaginary friends playfully made up for fun, they are hallucinations the brain makes up as a result of an imbalance in its chemistry. It doesn’t function the way most people’s brains function. They literally see, hear, feel things that aren’t there for everyone else and often, they believe they’re real. And to them they are very real.

You can tell a hallucinating person that what that person is seeing, hearing, or feeling isn’t really there and it’s possible the person will know it’s not really there but that knowledge will not make the hallucinations any less real.

That can be an additional stress on someone. Knowing what the person is seeing, hearing, feeling isn’t really there but not being able to make it go away, even feeling the need to respond to certain hallucinations knowing they’re not really there. It can be so frustrating.

Sometimes their mental illnesses provoke some of them to act violently against other people not because they’re bad people but because their brains don’t function properly. Not everyone with a mental illness is violent as a result but some can be. Most aren’t.
In other ways they can be just like other little kids. They like to play, go outside, run around, swing, laugh….

People with mental illnesses, children and adults alike, are a whole person underneath, a person separate than the illness. But sometimes the sickness seems to take over.

It’s a heartbreaking struggle.

One of the most inspiring parts of one of the videos I watched is when a little girl’s dad said he has only two hopes for his little girl. One that she stays alive and two that moments of happiness will always find her throughout her days even when most parts of her days are an agonizing battle, he hopes she will always find something to be happy about in the midst of her pain and struggle.

This can be viewed in a more negative light like that it’s too bad that all someone has is little moments throughout the day because everything else is just so bad.
Or it can be viewed in a positive light that there are always moments we can embrace to be inspired and joyful, single moments scattered throughout each day that we have, to seize and hold on for. No matter how much pain we’re in.

It’s a beautiful coping mechanism. Mental illness and physical illness is heartbreaking and devastating but as long as we stay alive and hold onto any little bit of happiness or joy or anything that can make us smile or giggle about, we can make it.

We can’t always hope to be cured or to be generally recovered or to go in remission right now. We can’t always hope that pain will end right now. Some things just won’t be cured and some people will have to struggle most days or everyday just to survive and do basic things. Some people will have severe flare ups every now and again, of an illness physical or emotional that will feel near impossible to cope with.
And even temporary pain or struggles that we know will end eventually, can just seem so overwhelming, so absolutely unbearable.

But as long as we live and can find those glimpses of magic hidden in the midst of the pain and darkness, we can have something to hold, something to hope for, something that encourages us to keep going, to get out of bed, to move.

The reflection of the sun on windows and signs and water, the blueness of the sky, white fluffy clouds, a steaming cup of hot tea, a funny movie, the depth of inspiration a beautiful song can bring us, a poem, friends, family, animals, photography, books, the vibrant colors all around, random acts of kindness, strangers, hot fudge sundaes, peanut butter, the gentle flapping of butterfly wings, helping someone, funny jokes….whatever touches you in a deep place.

These things, the simple beauty all around, are always beautiful no matter what our situation is but for some people with certain illnesses or disabilities or in certain situations, they are all we have at the moment. Just moments of simple beauty and joys. Sometimes it’s really all we can hope for, to have solitary moments of joy or happiness or some small sense of pleasure in the midst of our darkness.

And it can be enough.

I know this because when my depression would be flaring up for hours, days, weeks, months, whether it’s a full blown episode or just some symptoms, here and there, sometimes all I could do to stay alive, to find the motivation, the inspiration, the courage, and strength to carry on, was grasp onto all the single happy or joyous moments throughout every day of my darkness & despair. Focus on the goodness that still does exist until it would end and I would be happy again. I had this since 13 years old.

Having depression or any mental illness or pain can feel like a different world than where everyone else is. It’s like another place, another time, another world. To know we have this dark place we can slip into.
To have random suicidal thoughts and urges and depression that can appear suddenly for seemingly no reason.

People say there’s no such thing as “normal.”
And that it’s good to be different and “crazy” and unique.
But in some cases there really is such a thing as “normal.” People who always want to live, those who don’t have to battle random or frequent suicidal urges, ones who don’t have unpleasant images and thoughts flashing across their brains, people who don’t have their whole body crushed in an invisible heaviness where they can’t even stand up straight, ones without panic attacks and flashbacks and frequent anxiety, food obsessions, seriously disordered eating habits ….(i don’t have anxiety or panic attacks or body image issues/eating disorders and never have but many, many people do and it’s a serious problem that is very painful for them)
This is normal to not have all this.
And for people who have any of it, it can be a difficult struggle to try to be regular.
I know people without health conditions like this may not be “normal” in other ways but in this context they are.
And it’s not good to try to force ourselves to be society’s or someone else’s idea of normal while not being true to ourselves.
But that’s not what I’m talking about here.
Yes it’s good to be “unique” but not when unique means battling violent urges to take myself out for days/weeks/months.
And “crazy” is good when it’s all fun and games and playing, acting funny and silly but it’s not good when “crazy” is a true illness.
It’s not always easy to handle and it provokes pain in me, even when I’m not depressed sometimes. Just thinking about it.
Not always. For the most part I feel and am normal. But it can be a struggle sometimes when depression flares up.

The psychological consequences of having these condition, and for some, even when they are not currently acting up, are profound and may have to find ways to cope with the pain and struggles and the very fact of having them when they are someone with a mental disorder. I don’t mind and can handle it.

I know I’m not a victim. That’s why I’m posting this, because I have found a way to be empowered and I hope it helps someone else. This life is still a sweet blessing. Just because we have bad things and painful things happen to us, doesn’t mean we are victims.

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.” ~Jawaharlal Nehru

I’m alive. And as long as that remains true, there is hope. Even when I can’t feel it.

Sometimes the simple things are lifesavers, crucial parts of my coping mechanisms.
They are all there is.

I honor all the brave families and other people for sharing their stories, for sharing their pain and struggles with the world. Mental illness, medication, mental illness in children, specific ways of coping, treatment…are all very controversial. People disagree on the nature of some illnesses, whether or not they really exist, if certain treatments are ethical, the way people handle these illnesses and so much more. Anyone who shares a story like this that reaches a large audience, on blogs, YouTube, tv…, is bound to receive criticism of all kinds, some intended to be constructive, other critics intending to be malicious and inflict pain or anger upon those sharing their story.
There will always be loving supporters and those who just want to hurt.
Anyone who shares their story is brave and strong and deserves love and compassion whether or not we agree with everything they do or say or believe.
The people who share their pain with the world do the best they can the best they know how.
No one chooses to be mentally ill. We have to take the life we were gifted with, healthy or not, and do the best we can with it, bloom where we’re planted, create a firm, strong foundation with everything we know, everything we experience, everything that is thrown at us.

“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it.” ~Anne De Lenclos

Mental illness, pain, being suicidal…none of these are choices but acting on them is often a choice. Acting negatively or acting positively. Giving in and giving up or finding it in us to keep going with everything we have. We have the choice to do something to better ourselves, to hold on, to inspire, bring hope, consolation, encouragement, and understanding to others.

When I am depressed, I choose to hold on, to keep going, to inspire myself and anyone else I can along the way.

And I hope you will always do the same whatever your situation is. And if you need reminders every now and again, look for them. Take photos of happy things, write positive quotes and affirmations in a book so you can always look at them when you need inspiration, always remember words, books, things that have helped you and let them continue to help you. Remember an occasion when you were happy and filled with joy and hope and full of life and know you have it in you to feel that way again. If you can’t remember when you last felt that way, then know there’s always hope as long as you’re alive. The world is full of pain but it’s also full of hope, healing, happiness, love, and possibility. Endless possibilities.

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” (Mayor Pappas, “City Hall” movie quote)

Xoxo Kim

Cool Nights {it’s like a heatwave}

Sep3

“If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy,
if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you,
if the simple things in nature have a message you understand,
Rejoice, for your soul is alive.” ~Eleanora Duse

This is exactly how it feels to me to acknowledge the beauty of Nature. I have always been aware of the profound beauty all around me even while in severe emotional or physical pain. Mindfulness of natural beauty and the thrill it brings have come easily to me for as long as I can remember. Even as a little girl I would be in awe of the simple joys of living. The blueness of the sky, the sparkle of the rain, the dramatic colors of sunsets, the scent of cold air, the fragrance of grass and soil, the seasons changing…but I never realized this as a “thing” or concept or way of life until years later when I decided to create a personal development plan to heal my depression and I learned about mindfulness and gratitude at deeper, more conscious levels.

I decided to take my natural ability and habit of being aware of and thankful for the beauty all around me and make it even deeper, a conscious, intentional habit.

This to me is truly living. And it’s beautiful and also helps me cope with pain of any kind. But even when I’m not in pain it’s a thrilling way to live. Living generally mindfully with a conscious frequent attitude of gratitude, not just as a fleeting mood or feeling, has a dramatic impact and healing effect. Being mindful of my mindfulness itself also uplifts me often, knowing I have this ability, that I accomplished this lovely way of living.

Mindfulness or awareness or acknowledgment of beauty and blessings, an attitude of gratitude as a conscious, intentional way of life are incredible life changing habits but they are not cures for anything. When we accomplish this and develop these habits we will still feel pain, unhappiness sometimes. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be when you think about it, right?! That’s what it is to be alive. To feel both happiness and unhappiness, pleasure and pain, joy and sadness, thrill and blah feelings. But those habits can help us cope when something unpleasant is occurring.

Summer is my least favorite season but I love all four lovely seasons. They all have their own blessings. One of the things I will miss most about Summer is the beautiful insects/flying creatures/kreepy krawlers….lol

The bumble bees and the butterflies, the fireflies and other beauties.

Many days this summer there was a bumble bee drinking nectar out of a bright orange flower on the street where I live. So many days I would walk by the beautiful vibrant flowers and see the bee there sucking through the center of one of them. Truly amazing to see such beauty!

I got a few photos one day.
I will also miss the flowers. But I usually don’t dwell on what I miss. Instead I focus on Now. Whatever is currently here is really all I have. All any of us has. It’s great to look forward to, hope for, and plan on things in the future but generally I believe it’s best to honor Now. Now is still Summer and right now it’s a heatwave.

95 degrees in September!! For real! It wasn’t even this hot all Summer!

But I see signs of the impending Fall. Pumpkin lattes and coffee and donuts are already out!
I get in holiday and season spirit very early. In July I’m already ready for Fall and in October I’m ready for Christmas and snow! Lol

I think pumpkin coffee is more thrilling in cooler weather though and if I get it now in the midst of a heat wave then on the first crisp, Fall-like day it won’t be quite as thrilling. Still totally thrilling but not as much of a new feeling.

So I guess I will wait on that. Right now I’m drinking toasted almond coffee!

Here is a list of my favorite things about Autumn!

1.) Pumpkin Everything

2.) Cool nights

3.) Fall fashion (although I dress like it’s Summer all year except I wear hoodies in Fall) I love seeing photos of Fall fashion and other girls wearing it. It’s just usually not the style for me to wear myself.

4.) The colorful leaves on the ground

5.) Halloween themes and Thanksgiving things. I believe in gratitude all year round but it seems everyone else gets in the mood for gratitude around the holiday season

6.) Hoodies

7.) the feel in the air, the mental feeling of Fall

8.) apples

9.) Fall colors – brown, yellow, orange, red…

10.) candy corn!

11.) the fragrances of Fall -cinnamon, apple, cool air, pumpkin

12.) hot coffee, cocoa, tea…it’s just more magical in the Fall

13.) my dog loves the Fall & Winter! She gets quiet all summer and on really hot days and isn’t as playful but as soon as Autumn is in the air, she gets all wild and playful and happy! She’s a big pitbull and loves blankies and pillows! She loves snow too!

14.) The Eastern Stare Penitentiary – the old prison has exhibits all year I think. To learn about the history and all but in the Fall they have the haunted attraction! We get to walk through and monsters jump out at us and there’s all kinds of gory stuff and creepy sounds. I don’t always get to go but I always see the advertisements and stuff and it’s fun! The first day I went was years ago in college with a group of other students and we were clinging to each other, holding onto each other, hugging each other like our lives depended on it! Lol it was fun! One funny memory I have is the group of us consisted of all girls and one boy and the boy was the most scared and tried to make us stand in the front and we told him since he’s the boy, he should be leading the way! Lol I was so afraid we were going to be separated and I would be alone in small, dark places! When it was over we got outside and there were candy and caramel apples and monsters dancing and flashing lights!

15.) longer, darker nights

16.) Halloween decorations

17.) Halloween lights

18.) pumpkin pie, apple pie, coconut custard pie

19.) cranberries!

20.) candy doesn’t melt in cool weather

21.) Everything

22.) hay rides

23.) apple spice

24.) apple cider

25.) sweaters

26.) jack – o – lanterns

27.) cool, windy days

28.) it gets dark early

29.) crunchy leaves

30.) sweet potatoes

Fall just thrills me so much!

And since it’s still summer I will honor it with some lovely summery photos I took!

This little beauty was drinking nectar through this bright orange flower all August long! I used to stand there and watch with wonder.

This fly was basking in a light rainy afternoon one day out in my backyard. I captured him and the glistening drops on the vibrant green leaf.

A different fly on the same day on a flower or leaf stem. Aren’t they beautiful?! Flies really can be quite lovely and I have great photographer skills, don’t you think?!

I think so too! 😀

Xoxo Kim

p.s. check out “Cool Night” by Paul Davis!! one of my favorite songs since I was a little girl! ❤

Love’s Power <3

Aug31

“I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight
That to someone’s need made me blind;
But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret
For being a little too kind.” ~ Unknown

I work at a store. It’s window service and we sell ice cream and water ice all year long. We make ice cream sundaes, banana splits, gelatis, and sell soda, candy, and some other things.

I get tips a lot. When someone gives me a tip it’s often one or two dollars or some change. On seldom occasions someone gives me a big tip. The biggest tip given to me at once
was around eighteen dollars. That is very rare. I’m always very grateful for tips no matter how much or how little the money is, and the person who gives me one, more for the kindness than the money itself. People don’t have to give me a tip but many do, out of the kindness and goodness of their hearts.

One of the most inspiring tips I ever received is 25 cents.

One busy night at work I saw an old man in line. I love old people. I think they’re cute and am deeply inspired by their deep wrinkles, graying or white hair, their slow movements, laugh lines, their aches and pains, the gnarled joints that reveal strength, endurance, and determination, passion, longing, and vitality entrapped in deteriorating eyes and ears but set free through the power of Touch, their wisdom, that all reveal an undying desire and will to live and survive, to keep going, to push through it all with that sparkle still in their eyes, the smile that never fades, the long life of happiness, heartache, joy, and battles and beauty they have been blessed to know.

The man was looking to his side, smiling warmly. I felt an instant warm affection for him. I saw deep wrinkles around his eyes and mouth, white hair on his balding head. His arthritic fingers had difficulty moving, grasping and his posture wasn’t straight. But he still has something to smile about.

Then I saw what he was smiling at. His grandson. An adorable little boy.

The little boy also had a radiant smile. A joyous smile that seemed to light the night.

He was so eager to order his own food. Usually when kids come with adults the adult orders the food for them. But occasionally a child wants to ask for her/his own.

This little boy, probably around ten years old, was so happy to ask for his own food. A “special needs” child, it was somewhat challenging for him but he attempted, succeeded, and was so proud. He asked for food that costs $2.50.

I spoke to and smiled at him encouragingly to show him how well he was doing. And his grandfather stood back and watched proudly.

The little boy handed me three dollars and I gave him his fifty cents back. He stepped aside to put mustard on his food and let the others in line come up to order. When I went back to the window the little boy said to me, “Excuse me, do you have a tip cup?”

I gladly accept tips but I don’t ask for or expect them and never put a tip cup out. One of the girls I work with does though and her tip cup was on the shelf next to the window since it was just me working that night, so I put it out the window when he asked and he took one of his quarters he got as change, smiled at me, and dropped it in. Again, he was so happy and proud. What a kind and thoughtful
little boy. Full of courage and love.
Glowing with confidence.

My heart welled up with love and gratitude and inspiration.

I said “Thank You so much!!” and smiled and he smiled that unstoppable smile and joyfully replied “You’re welcome!” and they walked away hand in hand. A little boy and an old man.

This little boy doesn’t let a disability stop him or a struggle or a challenging circumstance. He bravely speaks up, exercises his independence, and reaches out in love.

The quarter he gave me is a beautiful, tangible reminder of love, strength, and courage.

I love to help people. It’s one of my favorite things. I’m a very shy girl, sometimes a little bit too reserved, and sometimes I let it limit me.
And sometimes I let my depressive disorder limit me.
Sometimes when I’m deeply depressed I let myself sink and not be the best me I can be. I submerge into a deep abyss and stop everything. Stop writing and reading and sharing uplifting quotes and ideas, stop smiling, repressing all of my creative urges…
And there have been occasions I was in a position to reach out and help someone or speak up or even just make eye contact with and smile at a stranger or someone, to give all of myself, to express my love and compassion and instead, I held back, stood back or looked away in fear.

Fear of what I would look like to others, fear of not being good enough, fear of trying to help but actually making something worse, fear of making a misjudgment and someone really did not need my help or want my kindness, fear of messing up in front of someone and looking silly not in a good way, fear of someone negatively judging me for some reason, fear of coming off as useless or rambling, fear of being misunderstood, fear of someone seeing me truly, seeing me for me and not liking it, the real me, fear of someone not “properly” receiving whatever I wanted to offer, fear.

Fear.

I let it interfere with my loving compassion, the tenderness that my heart longs to lavish on the world, I let it interfere with my desire, my longing to reach out and embrace, console, heal, and love.

I don’t always let it stop me. But too often, I do.

And a little boy reminded me of that one summer night when he reached out through the loving kindness in his heart and showed me love even though it was a challenge for him.

He was bold enough to ask for what he wanted. And brave enough to love.

And through his own love, kindness, and courage, he was able to encourage and teach/remind me of a lesson. Love is more powerful than fear. More powerful than pain of any kind.
It’s more powerful than any struggle or challenge or disability. It’s more powerful than pain and despair, depression and the desire to give up. If we summon the love in us, it’s more powerful than anything else.

“Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin'” ~ LeeAnn Womack

The only true disability is the choice to let fear or other unpleasant emotions stand in the way of love. And that disability can be corrected.

My love, my kindness, my willingness to help will not always be gratefully appreciated. I will experience forms of rejection, ridicule, apathy, people who see me for me and don’t like what they see. I will be misjudged now and again. I will be disliked, not appreciated, ignored. And that’s ok. I don’t love merely to be loved in return, to be appreciated and cherished. Those are amazing things to have but I don’t expect or demand them in return for my love, compassion, and kindness.

If someone does not receive my kindness and love the way I intend, it’s ok. It can be painful but it’s worth the risk. I will move forward and love some more. There will always be someone who does not care for my help, love, friendship, and kindness and there will always be someone who does. I won’t always know for sure who will open up and receive my love and compassion and who will not.

“Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin'” ~ LeeAnn Womack

But I won’t stand back in fear of those who won’t. I will love again and again. And if it touches someone for the better, my dream is fulfilled. If it’s denied, ignored, ridiculed, criticized, and rejected, I will go on loving. My dream is still fulfilled. My dream to BE a being of love. To be an example of love. Love for others and the self. Love for people I don’t know personally and for people I do. Love for the most loving and beautiful people. Love for difficult people and ones who just don’t care. Love for those who aren’t easy to love.

“I’ve got a song
And I carry it with me and I sing it loud
If it gets me nowhere, I’ll go there proud.” ~ Jim Croce

Love can be an emotion, an affective feeling and it can be a verb, an action, an expression. Whenever we reach out to make the world a better place or touch someone’s life for the better with the light of our own lives, we reach out in love.

I hope you, too, will reach out in Love if it’s your true passion. If Love is your Way I hope you honor it and love. Love any way you can. Writing positive and uplifting comments to people on blogs, statuses, videos, encouraging your friends and family unconditionally, volunteering to help people or animals, being a loving mother or father or friend, working to help people, giving to those in need, smiling sweetly at people, helping homeless animals or people, sharing uplifting quotes, a warm hug or friendly hello, providing warmth and light to those in the cold darkness…you don’t need money or a specific job or even a lot of time. You can incorporate love into your every day. The most simple acts of kindness are enough to light up the world.
Even when you struggle to move your tongue, I hope you speak in Love. And when your hands tremble in fear, I hope you still reach out to touch. When your heart is broken and scarred I hope it continues to guide you, anyway. And when you’re lonely and your arms are holding yourself tightly in your sorrow and despair, I hope you find the strength to let go and embrace another, someone else who may need your loving arms, your broken heart, your deep understanding. When your eyes are filled with tears and pain, I hope you find the courage still, to look deeply into someone else’s and find something that resonates with you, look into someone else’s eyes and see a reflection of yourself.

“At the end of the day, it’s not about what you have or even what you’ve accomplished. It’s about what you’ve done with those accomplishments. It’s
about who you’ve lifted up, who you’ve made better. It’s about what you’ve given back.”

I am forever grateful to all of those who remind me. Remind me to love, to take risks, to honor me, even though it won’t always be easy.

“Everyone needs reminders that the fact of their being on this earth is important and that each life changes everything.”
~Marge Kennedy

I heard and read the word “encourage” my whole life and knew what it means for about as long as I can remember. It means to bring some kind of support to someone, to help give someone a push to keep going. But until now I never realized the word “courage” in it and the “en” in front of the “courage.” To inspire courage. Like the word “enable.” able=ability “en” to empower or allow. To help someone find the courage that dwells deep within.

It’s an interesting revelation.

We have courage or potential for courage deep within us already and someone can help coax it out for us, even a young child.

We often think about what we can teach and remind children but let us stop for a minute and think what a child can remind and teach us.

Xoxo Kim

Be Average. Be Unique. Be YOU!

Aug9

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” ~ Dolly Parton

“Live to express, not impress”

There’s this fear of being “average” or having an average life. A life that looks just like everyone else’s life.
One that doesn’t stand out. One that isn’t radically “different” in some significant way. A need to find, list, and ponder ways in which we are very unlike everyone else.
And there’s this fear of being “too different,” of not “fitting in.” An urge to repress parts of the self that may come off as “weird” or “not cool.” An urge to mold parts of ourselves into things that look like everyone else’s things.
There are people who force themselves to do things, wear things, be things…they don’t really like just because it’s the style, trend, the in-thing.
Then there are those who are just the opposite.
They make it a point to resist what is currently popular just to be different and stand out, perhaps for shock value. So when they’re with a group of “clones,” they can say “I don’t have a smartphone” or “I don’t have a social media account ” or “I don’t watch tv” or…..and watch the looks on people’s faces, the “really?!,” “Are you kidding me?!!?” looks.
They get to be different. Unique. Because they rebel against the masses.
This is great if it’s something they really don’t want because they naturally aren’t attracted to it or they feel it’s somehow detrimental to them but if we avoid things just to be different, we deny our true selves. Which is the same as conforming. Denying what we really want and who we truly are, merely to “fit in.”
Anti-conformity is denying who we really are or what we really want, merely to be or appear to be different.
But underneath you will always just be you.
And that’s ok.
No matter how much you resist conformity, there are ways you are still average, just like the next person.
No matter how much you conform, you are different somehow.
It’s a struggle to find the perfect balance of being “different enough” but “similar enough.”
Conforming but bringing our very own uniqueness to it.
A struggle that is unnecessary. Uncalled for.
We don’t have to be different in significant ways than the average person. We don’t have to be exactly the same, carbon copies of everyone else.
We’re all just average and we’re all very different.
I’m very much the same as everyone else but I also have my own uniqueness.
If I provide you with a description of myself, my personality, it will fit some other girl somewhere, very well. I love old music, stilettos, makeup, photography, chocolate, cake, dark poetry, happy songs, comedy movies, romantic comedies, love songs, vanilla frosting, personal development…
Someone else somewhere can say all this too.
But we will still be very different than each other.
Just like if I provide you with a physical description of myself, my physical appearance.
It will fit someone else perfectly. Long brown hair, blue eyes, 5 feet, 5 inches, kind of thin….
But we will still look very different.
Because we are different. No matter how similar we will ever be to another, we have something that makes us different. Maybe that something can’t be identified or named. Maybe we can’t put our finger on it but it’s there.
We have our own perspectives, ways of looking at things, ideas, opinions, views, experiences, wisdom, knowledge, a combination of things that are unique and no one else will ever be. Even if we have an identical twin or triplets or anything.
But we are also average. Just like the next person.
We have desires, needs, goals, lives…hearts that pulsate, smiles that convey happiness and warmth, a longing to connect with others, blood that flows….just like everyone else.
The struggle of finding the perfect way to appear next to others and compare with others is not a necessary one. What is important is being our best selves. Living your passions. Basking in the beauty of life.
Answering your calling. Whether it’s work, hobbies that are just for fun, travel, writing, watching TV, playing with your kids, adopting a child or pet, volunteering, helping people in some way…
Looking within to our authentic selves, honoring that Self, our Truth. Your Truth.
Forget conformity.
Forget anti-conformity.
Remember YOU.

“So you think you know the answers, oh no
Well the whole world’s got you dancing
That’s right, I’m telling you
It’s time to start believing, oh yes
Believe in who you are, you are a shining star” ~Lionel Richie ❤

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. ~Oscar Wilde

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Xoxo Kim

Tomorrow Is Today <3

Jul15

(this isn’t my photo – I found it on Google images)

One of my favorite singers is Billy Joel. I love, love, LOVE his songs. Billy Joel is a very loving person, so many of his songs are about love, often romantic love. Not all of them are happy love songs but they’re still beautiful. Some seem to be about rejection or unrequited love.

His song, released in 1971, “Tomorrow Is Today” is his real suicide note that he decided to put music to and turn into a song.

YouTube video for the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=b9WAQHn_gmo

It’s a beautiful song riddled with his pain and despair. He attempted suicide and fortunately lived. This song “Tomorrow Is Today” is about how every day is the same, nothing new, nothing good so there’s no point in living. I understand this deeply. There are many days I have felt every day is the same, bland, blah, full of pain, anguish, misery and so what’s the point. But there are many days I felt every day is the same but loved this beautiful life for it. Everyday is full of beauty, love, simplicity and I can’t wait to wake up each day to it. When every day is packed with joy, love, and beauty, it doesn’t matter if each day is identical. It’s enough.

“I don’t care to know the hour
‘Cause it’s passing anyway
I don’t have to see tomorrow
‘Cause I saw it yesterday”

This line:

“Still I’m waiting for the morning
But it feels so far away
And you don’t need the love I’m giving
So tomorrow is today.”

Sometimes it seems we wait and wait and wait for something that just won’t come. It’s like an eternity away.

‘And you don’t need the love I’m giving so tomorrow is today.’

I know the feeling, as I think many/most people do, of wanting something I don’t have, attempting something and not succeeding, loving someone who doesn’t love me back…

Billy Joel sings that someone doesn’t need the love he’s giving and so tomorrow is today. Everyday is bland or painful because the target of his love shows no interest in receiving or returning it. This can feel so lifeless.

I think this is a common problem so many people know. Giving and giving only to not receive any appreciation. Loving and loving and not being loved in return. Wanting and wanting but never getting.

And while these things are excruciatingly painful, we can learn to cope with them and realize that we don’t need a specific target for our love. And we don’t need to give merely to receive. The mere feeling and act of giving and loving is satisfaction enough, rewarding enough with no expectation of getting something more for it. We can bask in and soak in the love deep inside, extending it to everything and everyone we can. It’s amazing to have specific people and things to love. But those aren’t the only things to love.

Just feel the love coursing through your veins every second of every day for each moment, even without a specific object. It’s just there. Living and breathing in you. Love for all living sentient beings, for this life itself, for the uncertainty and the beauty surrounding you. For heartbreak, hope & healing. This feeling of immense love can be masked by other feelings, painful emotions and thoughts, at some points but it can be summoned to the consciousness again and again.

We don’t need gratitude for our gratitude or appreciation for our appreciation, love for our love. We don’t need to receive to give.

The person Billy Joel loves in his song may not love him back or show any sense of reception of his love but he can take all that love he has and put it out into the world, lavish it on all those who do need it. Someone out there somewhere needs his love. He can turn it on himself and bask in the beauty of his own love. And it doesn’t matter if that person needs his love or not, he can still go on loving her/him….
It can be painful but also beautiful.
Rejection hurts. Abandonment hurts. Not being known hurts.
But Love heals.

It’s incredible that tomorrow is today and yesterday is tomorrow when every day is soaked in Love.

Loving someone who doesn’t know you exist or doesn’t return your love, wanting something you never seem to get, giving and not receiving can contribute to someone wanting to just lay down and die but we can take that loving energy and reverse it, let it fuel us to live instead. To live more, love more, give more. Shifting our perspective to view loving as more important than being loved, giving is more important than receiving, and appreciating is more important than being appreciated.

Receiving love and appreciation are also great but if you don’t feel loved or appreciated for whatever reason you don’t have to lay down and die. Let your own love revive you and breathe in you.

When there’s so much deep love just bubbling in my core it’s often hard to feel anything else. It’s hard to loathe anyone or wish bad things for anyone, even those who do things I don’t like.

I can still stand up for and speak out against things, constructively criticize things, disagree with and debate while still feeling/expressing love.

“Oh, my. Goin’ to the river
Gonna take a ride and the Lord will deliver me
Made my bed, now I’m gonna lie in it
If you don’t come, I’m sure gonna die in it
Too late. Too much given‘
I’ve seen a lot of life and I’m damn sick of livin’ it
I keep hopin’ that you will pass my way”

I get the feeling that when he falls hard for someone, gives someone all his love and it’s not returned to him, it really takes a toll, it depresses him, breaks him, even to the point of suicide contemplation and attempts. When he can’t have someone he wants in his life it drives him to just fall to pieces. But as I mentioned when this happens, we can take our love and direct it at ourselves and the universe as a whole. This is so healing. It won’t take away our pain completely or make us forget the ones we love who abandon or reject us but it can help us heal while helping others be/feel loved.

You can’t give too much love.

Sometimes people have an interest in developing a platonic friendship with someone who has no interest in being friends with the person, sometimes it’s a romantic love interest not returned, some days it’s doing extra work for someone who couldn’t seem to care less, writing blog posts or creating YouTube videos or posts on any social media that don’t get much attention or get negative attention, applying for schools or jobs and being rejected….all of these things can be devastating to different people in different ways, to different depths and degrees.

But don’t give up! Whatever you do, say, however you love will resonate with someone, somewhere, someday, somehow. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday. Hold on.

Someone out there can and will love someone just like you and needs, desires, craves exactly what you have to offer whether it’s the kind of friend you can be, the kind of lover you are, the abilities and qualities you have that are perfect for some jobs, your writing, your ideas, your points of views and angles of looking at things.

Your beauty is valuable to this world.

And someone out there somewhere needs you.

We all have different kinds of personalities that are compatible
With and appealing to certain other personalities but not other ones.

Some people will love you, want you, crave you, need you and some won’t. That goes for all of us.

“And some day if your dreams are leavin’ you
I’ll still believe in you.”

This is a perfect example of love and loving someone unconditionally, even when that someone may not love us back.

We can still believe in that person and wish the best for him/her. If I truly love someone I want the person to be happy even when I’m not the reason for that happiness. I will still believe in the person even when that person doesn’t believe in or love me Or her/himself.

As painful as it can be, it’s also quite liberating.

In 1985, Billy Joel had another song released called “You’re Only Human (Second Wind).”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=3AG_ororx8E

It was written to remind people to never give up, that suicide isn’t the answer. Ever. It’s never the way to go. Sooner or later you’ll get your second wind. You may want to lay down and die now but later things will start looking up and it’s worth waiting for.

“It’s not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You’re gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It’s alright, it’s alright
Though you feel your heart break
You’re only human, you’re gonna have to deal with heartache.”

As long as we live we will experience pain, heartbreak, loneliness….and that’s ok.

“You’ve been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you’re thinking everything’s gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along.”

No matter how bad things get or feel, how much it hurts, how much you want to die, things can get better if you just hold on.

Hold on til that second wind comes along!

Xoxo Kim

P.s. It’s so weird I’m listening to my old memory card with different songs on it and I forgot what songs are on it and as I was writing that above paragraph, the song randomly came on! The “You’re Only Human (Second Wind)” song by Billy Joel!! 😀

Summer Lovin’ <3

Jul10

Summer is my least favorite season. It’s the one season I wish were much shorter than the rest. I don’t wish it were non existent. Mostly because I think it makes Fall even more thrilling after a long hot summer ends. But I still like Summer and having four seasons. I feel that it’s a blessing to live in a place where we have it all, warm, hot, cold, cool, rain, snow, sleet, thunderstorms, blizzards, lightening…. To me, Fall & Winter possess endless things to be joyful about. Things that warmer seasons don’t have where I live. I’m mostly happy all year. But Fall & Winter bring many more things to be joyful about. I love the themes. The holiday themes, the crisp and colorful leaves, pine, and snow themes. Cozy nights and hot cocoa. Pumpkin coffee, tea, and pie. Cool nights, hoodies, blankets, big fluffy warm pjs….I will never understand how someone can not love all that! Lol 🙂
And I love when Winter melts into Spring and the world around me is born again after a long cold dreary Winter. Spring is symbolic of hope, new beginnings, and rebirth. Life blooms all around. It’s perfect. Not freezing and not usually too blazing hot.
Summer is just kind of blah. Like an extremely hot Spring long after the world has first bloomed around me.
Summer gives me headaches and melts my reesse cups! Eww

I am still generally happy and joyful in the summer but there’s not as many specific summer themes that thrill me like the other seasons. Poor summer just doesn’t have as much of my heart. There are definitely some rare bitter winter days I desperately wish were summer but usually not.

I’m not miserable or depressed all summer just because I don’t like it as much but I do catch myself sometimes making mental lists of all the reasons Summer kind of sucks.

Lol

Last week though I received a lovely e-mail called “Summer Lovin'” which is a list of 23 things about Summer that Dani DiPirro of Positively Present has to smile about.

(http://www.positivelypresent.com/2014/07/summer-lovin.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PositivelyPresent+(positively+present) )

At first I thought her post was about loving Summer because she really loves the season. And I still got the idea to create a list to turn something less than positive into something positive but I soon realized that Summer is not her favorite season either. She did what I thought of, turned her unhappiness about something into happiness! 😀

This is perfect for me because it’s just what I need to uplift my spirits about something I’m not usually head over heels in love with! I think we can all benefit by this habit. When there’s something you aren’t too thrilled about whether you just aren’t crazy in love with it or you outright detest it, try making a list if you can, even if you have to struggle hard, of anything you can think of that is some way good or positive or benefits you, even if you would prefer not to have it and just not have the benefits. You’re stuck with it so take those benefits and run with it!

Here’s my list of Summer Smiles 😀

1.) My hands don’t swell up and aren’t cut open in the summer. My skin is smooth and regular. I usually would prefer Winter and just suck it up that the cold damages my sensitive skin but I can’t help that it’s summer so I will bask in my lovely smooth hands while I have them. Lol

2.) the almost constant sun and long daylight. I don’t like excessive heat but sun is good for us. Not too much but a lot of daylight is good. It’s uplifting and it’s often easier to sit outside and do some walking in the sun than in the unforgiving bitterness of Winter air. Daylight has a positive effect on our brain chemistry whereas colder, darker weather can have the opposite effect, resulting in depression or low moods for some people. When I’m out walking in the winter it often feels urgent usually. Like I have to hurry up and get where I’m going, out of this cold.

3.) there’s so much to take photos of out in Nature when it’s all warm and bright. Bare tree branches, gray skies, and snow and all are very beautiful. But after a while it seems to me there isn’t much else. Especially with just a cell phone camera. It often can’t capture the beauty of barrenness as well as a professional or advanced camera. In summer there’s an abundance of color and life all around! It looks brilliant captured by any camera!

4.) carnivals and amusement parks! That’s unheard of in Winter and just wouldn’t be as fun!

5.) summer magic in the air. All four seasons have their own kind of lovely magic that is different than the other three. Just a “feel” in the air.

6.) people watchin’. People come out half dressed in excessive heat. And are fun to watch. Lol and I like not having to be all covered up all day.

7.) dog walkin’ – all the doggies are out walking and in dog parks!

8.) I would say vacations but I’m not the biggest fan of going on vacation. I like where I am. But everyone else seems to love vacations and going away. So I’m happy for them. I can just imagine the thrill you must feel going away if you’re someone who loves it. I’m usually the opposite. I feel a thrill coming back home! Lol

9.) sitting outside in the chairs of pretty restaurants under umbrellas, sippin’ sweet delicious iced tea with friends!

10.) ice cream, iced tea, water ice and Popsicles. These are good all year but Summer somehow manages to make them more appealing. Just like hot tea, coffee, and cocoa are good all year but more inviting in Fall & Winter in my opinion.

11.) I work at an ice cream shoppe all year but it’s more active in Summer so I have more chances to interact with various people!

12.) it’s not freezing cold. I usually prefer freezing cold over disgusting humidity and excessive heat but I don’t want excessive cold either. But when it’s hot and I prefer cold I can still be thankful I’m not freezing. Just like if it’s way too cold and I prefer heat I can still be thankful I’m not burning up. Talk about positive thinking! ;-D

13.) jumping into an ice cold shower or walking into an air conditioned room after walking in out of scorching heat! Feelin’ good! :-p

14.) the vibrant blue sky and fluffy white clouds

15.) being in a car with the windows down and warm wind blowing through my long hair

16.) walking in warm rain

17.) the Ocean is healing and beautiful

18.) laying in lush green grass soaking up the scents of summer

19.) fireflies

(I took this pic of fireflies one night!)

20.) laying out at night watching the stars

21.) It’s not flu season!!! I never had influenza but lots of people around me have. It doesn’t look fun! :-O

22.) citrus & tropical scents are some of my favorites and are sweeter in the summer!!

23.) I love summer colors like peach, pastels, yellow, orange…they can be worn all year but certain things are just more magical in certain seasons! Like these colors in the summer!

24.) strappy stilettos – in the summer, your toes won’t freeze off if you wear them and there won’t be slippery ice, sleet, and snow!

25.) Summer sales! Yesterday at Bath & Body Works, my friend and me got all kinds of goodies for way less money! I got two delicious body lotions for less than seven dollars that really would have been about 22 dollars! All citrus & tropical and other summery scents are on sale now!

I never realized I would be able to come up with so many summer positives! It wasn’t even hard! Once I got my brain on track to see the cheer and joy of Summer, it all just start flowing to me!

And I was sitting at the kitchen table actually feeling the summer magic and possibilities come flooding into me after writing this list. I realize on various occasions how creating happy lists can really uplift me even more than I anticipated. It’s even better than mere mental lists! Something about writing out all the goodness really has an amazing uplifting effect!

It really is a good habit to get into, everyday just writing a list of things to be happy about!
😀

Xoxo Kim 😀

Love Out Loud

Jul4

“Always leave the world a little better than you found it.”

To me, one of the greatest joys of living is helping others, making things go more smoothly for anyone I can.

There are many simple ways to help people all throughout everyday. Simple things that have a great impact. We don’t have to have a certain job or anything to help out. There are endless opportunities in every day. ❤

There are ways to help people that will go unnoticed by everyone but the person helping but if these simple things are not done, it will be noticed.

You may think something along the lines of “Why even do this when no one will even know? Not even the person being helped will know!” But if you don’t, people will be affected in an unpleasant way.

For example, seeing milkcrates or boxes in the middle of a street with no one else around. If you move those crates or boxes away so people in cars can more easily drive by, there’s a very good chance no one will ever know someone was kind enough to move them. They never knew they were there in the first place. They’ll just drive by without ever knowing. They can’t bask in the joy or gratitude of knowing someone helped them because they don’t know someone did help them.

But if we don’t help by moving those boxes or crates, they will know they’re there. They’ll have to stop, get out of their cars and move them themselves. Or worse, they’ll crash into them, not paying attention. They will feel the impact of the hassle they have encountered. So there really is a purpose to doing simple things that will go unnoticed when the tasks are completed. If they’re not completed, they will be noticed so why not make things easier for people in general whenever we can?! We’re generally under no obligation to help make things easier for people, and if you don’t it doesn’t make you a horrible person, but it’s still fantastic to help anyway!

I don’t need credit or to be paid back in anyway whatsoever. Helping people is enough. I was thinking about this concept one day at work, recently, and it always brings me joy to think this way but I’m always unprepared for the immensity and the depth of the joy that hits me and flows through me, tingling in my bones when I think this way. It’s breathtaking.

The thrill of all the possibilities we have, all the chances we can take, to help anyone we
can in big and small ways. It’s exhilarating!

Even if it’s just eye contact with and a pleasant smile to a stranger, giving someone your seat on a bus or a waiting room, not judging distressed and overworked parents with screaming kids in a crowded place when everyone else is repulsed and giving them disgusted looks, actively listening to someone with a genuine interest in understanding instead of just listening to deliver an appropriate sounding response, being a loyal friend, adopting a pet and giving him/her a loving furever home, paying for someone in back or in front of you in line at a store, writing little love notes with inspirational quotes or messages and leaving them in random places for anyone to find, being extra patient with the stressed cashiers in busy stores, holding your tongue when you feel like lashing out at someone, trying hard to understand someone else’s situation that you never experienced for yourself, the opportunities are infinite.

Sometimes I think of all the ways I may have been helped by some kind stranger through the years, never even knowing it, never saying thank you because I never had the chance. All the puddles I never sat in on busses because someone dried them before I had a chance to sit in them, all the gum that never got stuck in my long hair on public seats somewhere because someone cared to remove it before someone’s hair or clothes got destroyed, the objects that were removed out of aisles of stores, off of pavements, and out of streets before I tripped over them not paying attention, I think of the houses and stores that never got broken into, the people who never got snatched off the streets because someone cared enough to call the police and scare the person away/catch the suspicious person.

I remember one day I was texting while crossing a bus terminal to get onto a bus and stepped in front of another bus, speeding at me, not paying attention. It was more than just a “close call.” I was nearly hit. And so was one of the men who saved me. The bus driver hit the horn but couldn’t stop fast enough. And it was speeding fast. Two men yelled and risked their own lives to save mine. Men I never saw before that day and never saw again. They did not know each other or me. They saw it turn and coming my way when I did not. They both jumped out into the street, one pulling me, the other pushing me. The one actually put his body in front of the bus to push me out of the way, almost falling on top of me to get us both out of the way. If they weren’t at the bus stop that day I probably wouldn’t be here today. Or I would be physically damaged. They did not know who I am but they know that I’m someone. They never knew my name, my values or opinions, my story, my personality, my interests or anything about me other than the fact that I exist. But they clearly valued my life that moment as much as their own, disregarding anything else about me.

Because of that I never look at my phone or anything while crossing a street. Ever. Not once since that day a few years ago, have I even briefly glanced at my phone while crossing even small streets with no traffic. Even when I’m really into something on my phone when I get to a street I act like the phone doesn’t exist. I honor their heroic act.

While I felt immense gratitude I was mortified. It was so stupid to be texting while crossing a busy street/bus terminal. I put not only myself in danger but others. On the bus that day it’s all people could talk about, how lucky I was, how close it was to a tragedy…Luckily no one said out loud how stupid I was. I couldn’t get off that bus fast enough.

(this is the bus stop But on a different day lol! I was looking for a pretty picture to put here and coincidentally this is one of the first to show up on my phone which is broke so all my pics aren’t showing up…)

But if I wasn’t texting that day crossing into the street, I would still be doing stuff like that days after that and maybe another day I wouldn’t have been so lucky to have two Earth angels so close to me. So they saved my life that day and possibly days after. I think of all the days I wasn’t hit by a bus because two heroic men taught me a great lesson. Texting while crossing or driving is a dumb thing to do. It’s dangerous. It’s deadly. To the one texting and the ones around that person.

There are so many blessings we don’t even realize we are living or have lived because they’re the things that go unnoticed when they are done by someone but their absence would be noticed if they weren’t done by someone.

We can give thanks to and for all the Earth angels and heroes out there and those no longer with us by paying it forward. Always being the one to leave the world a little better than we found it. By loving out loud.

Xoxo Kim

You and me are the real heroes

Jul4

I saw a quote a while ago that I can’t seem to find anywhere. I think I even shared it on Facebook. It’s something that says something along the lines of
Superman is not a true hero, he is invincible, literally indestructible, he can’t be broken or conquered, he doesn’t have the ability to be overcome. The true heroes are people like you and me who can be broken, defeated, hurt everyday but we choose to take risks, carry on, share our stories anyway. We choose to live knowing we can and probably will be broken again and again.

I love this concept and it’s true. I was thinking about it recently when I was thinking about depression and my physical pain disorder that comes and goes. I’m generally very happy, positive, and joyful but I still experience random episodes of severe depression which I feel violate and contradict my true happy personality I had since I was a little girl. Sometimes I wonder if experiencing episodes of depression is an indication that I’m weak. When all of a sudden I don’t want to get out of bed or take pictures or go out or put makeup on or even go on living sometimes. This is not always true when I am depressed! Sometimes I do still want to get out of bed, see people, socialize, take pictures, read..depending upon the kind I have then. Usually it is not the numbing or worst kind.

Especially when the episode isn’t triggered by any environmental factor that I know of, or is triggered by a memory/thought, I think of the people with “real” problems, the tragedies they experience but they still want to live and post pictures online and go on social media pages and do everything they always did. This is a great strength they have. To suffer but still carry on. I can’t believe some of the horrors people experience and they share their stories, wisdom, and life lessons on social media outlets with pictures of themselves smiling brightly and sharing their joy and pain and I can’t believe the strength they find in themselves.

But it doesn’t mean that someone with depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder or addiction of any sort or any other mental health condition is weak. Even when we have a flare up or relapse. It’s just a different kind of problem. Mental heath disorders are some of the worst things because they crush our spirit. Even with physical problems, grief and loss, and other things it’s possible to still be ultimately happy while enduring it along with the sadness as long as the person doesn’t becomes clinically depressed. That uplifted spirit can remain.

But with mental disorders like depression even when everything is going well for the person, it’s a disease or condition of the “mind.” We can sometimes succeed in keeping a kind of positive attitude even with it but unlike with physical pain and even grief, it’s literally a thing of the mind or brain so it’s nearly impossible to separate the depression and a happy outlook. Depression consumes all so there’s seemingly no happiness or positive feelings or joy or pleasure.

I’m not weak when I’m depressed. I still go on even when it seems I don’t want to. I still laugh. I practice techniques that help me and I still try to help others. This is actually a strength.

And when I’m in so much physical agony because of my facial pain disorder that, like depression, comes & goes completely, that I don’t sleep for days and scream til my throat is raw, punching and slapping myself over and over for hours because I don’t know what else to do when the severe aching, burning, stabbing, throbbing, pounding in the one side of my face, eye, ear, head, won’t let up for a split second, I’m not weak. I still carry on. I still grasp and hold onto any slither of hope I can find in me that it will end or I will learn to cope and live with it.

I can choose to completely give up hope, to stop living, to let it make me bitter, to succumb completely and not get back up, to let it take over my life. But I don’t. I choose to pro-act. To ultimately get back up, to move forward, to smile and learn and share my stories and lessons learned in the hope of inspiring others.

Screaming in pain doesn’t make me weak. Collapsing with my face in my hands, banging my head against walls doesn’t make me weak, sinking into despair doesn’t because I get back up. Just like I always have. Just like I always will.

If you ever think you are weak because you have a sickness either physical or mental/emotional/psychological or a relapse of some sort, because you fall or fail or break or succumb to your bed or to the floor in utter despair, when you’re tired and worn out and ragged, when you’re exhausted and uninspired and shattered, remember you always get back up and move forward and learn and teach and carry on. You’re still here!

You choose to seek help or to handle it on your own if you can and keep moving. That’s a strength.

When you experience something traumatic or painful or devastating and live to tell about it, sharing your story with others, reach out, learn lessons, and carry on, that is a strength, not a weakness!

Never getting sad, never getting angry, being fearless, not having the ability to hurt or kill, being invincible….those aren’t strengths.

Strength is being sad and afraid and angry and crushed but still going on, finding a way to still be happy eventually, seeing beauty through the tears, finding joy in the sorrow, finding pieces of perfection in the flaws.
Strength is having the ability to break but putting yourself together more whole than ever. With all the cracks and scars and flaws but being even more beautiful for them.
Strength is being able to hurt someone but choosing not to or saying sorry in a genuine way when you do.
Strength is how we react positively to our unpleasant situations. It’s our hopeful attitude, it’s the love and life we choose instead of choosing to become constantly bitter and give up.

It’s you and me, not a fantastical superhero who literally can’t be destroyed. He literally has nothing to fear.

Physical strength and other power doesn’t make someone strong or a hero. It’s how people use their power and strength. How they choose not to abuse it to overpower others when it would be so easy and so tempting.

We all have some sort of power to hurt others in some way. And sometimes it’s so tempting when someone makes us angry. But we can summon the wisdom and love in us and not abuse our power to hurt and destroy. Sometimes that’s the more difficult choice. And choosing the harder but more loving option is an even greater sign of strength.

“What makes Superman a hero is not that he has power, but that he has the wisdom and the maturity to use the power wisely. From an acting point of view, that’s how I approached the part.” ~
Christopher Reeve

Wishing you much love, hope, strength, wisdom, and courage today.

Xoxo Kim

Today is one of those days…..<3

Jun21

I woke up after a night of restless sleep. I have been struggling with a bad flare up of my chronic facial pain disorder. I haven’t slept much in over a week and haven’t consumed much other than water in four days. I try to eat something everyday and can’t. The pain is just too much. Even soft things are hard to chew.

People think I’m losing weight because I want to. That’s not the case at all. I don’t want to, I just can’t eat. I’m kind of sick looking. My face is swelled slightly and my eyes are pink looking and puffed underneath because of the pain and lack of sleep. My skin is pale looking.

I’m exhausted and fatigued. Today I decided to walk to a store and buy mashed potatoes with beef flavored gravy! Yum, right?! I came home, put it on the kitchen table and my dog had to go in the backyard and doesn’t like the yard door being closed with no one out there with her. So I went out with her and came back in and guess what?! My cats ate my potatoes! And they were kind of on the expensive side for someone like me with very little money! Can you say, disappointed?! Lol oh well there goes that.

So what kind of day is today?

I woke up fatigued, restless, hungry, in pain, exhausted, and achy and I feel nothing but…..pure joy! That’s right, sheer joy!

I’m generally very happy but the joy I feel all day today isn’t a regular, general happy.

You know that joy you experience when you hit the lottery, buy a new car, meet a new friend, a new romantic love interest, get a job offer…it’s kind of like that! But none of that happened to me today or recently!

I can often tap into that kind of joy when I try but today it’s just here unexpectedly but definitely welcome! 😀

I had a flashback memory today of when I was a little girl and my mom and dad would take me to Center City Philadelphia at night and we would buy hot chocolate chip cookies and lay out on the grass under the black or navy starlit sky and eat them. There were so many fireflies lighting up green and all people would just lay out and look at the stars and stuff and one night a man said to the fireflies “Hey turn out the lights!” lol it was so funny and we all just laughed.

There’s a kind of childlike joy that we often don’t feel as adults. Things that were so amazing and thrilling back then just often don’t have that feel anymore. We may still love them but they don’t as frequently provoke that deep joy. I love when I can tap into that now. And I believe we all can more often with mindfulness.

Today

Music sounds so great, the air is sweet and caressed by a sweet floral fragrance. Outside is bursting with green, flowers, sunshine. There’s a sweet breeze in the air.And my long hair got stuck in a tree walking to work today! Lol 😀 It’s always fun when that happens! ;-p

It’s a beautiful Spring day. Except today is the first day of Summer here in Philadelphia! My least favorite season!

But it feels more like Spring.

I love the wonder all around.

This just goes to show that someone CAN be happy even when things aren’t perfect or there’s problems and lots of pain.

And when I say pain, I’m talking about bone deep pain, soul shattering pain, like it’s gripping my very essence. But you know what else is gripping my very essence? Love. Deep love. Not just the the love directed at certain people and objects, and things but just deep all encompassing Love.

My pain disorder can leave me feeling and being so broken. I’m not referring to depression. But the broken-ness that comes along with having a chronic physical illness or pain disorder. I’m broken but I’m so beautifully whole. There’s a kind of irony to that but it’s beautiful.

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joywill burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell

It doesn’t completely burn out the pain but it does lessen the power of it, it breaks the bondage.

“Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.” ~ Kevyn Aucoin

I hope you are well wherever you are and experiencing bone deep joy and love.

Xoxo Kim