Tag Archive | life

Dream.❤

May12

“I had a dream; I had an awesome dream
People in the park playing games in the dark
And what they played was a masquerade
And from behind the walls of doubt a voice was crying out
Say you, say me
Say it for always
That’s the way it should be
Say you, say me, say it together
Naturally”❤

Say You, Say Me – Lionel Richie

May 11th, 2018

I had a dream last night while I slept. We were all running through a park, late at night, in the darkness, playing, all adults. It was almost like a game of hiding seek or a game of tag. It was beautiful and comforting in some way but there was a kind of loneliness & longing throughout. We were all running after each other, trying to find and catch each other and most of us were strangers to each other. There was a sense of child-like joy and we were laughing. It was hard to see in the dark and there were so many people. There was one person I really wanted to find. More than anyone else, she’s the one. I knew she was there but couldnt find her. I ran through the darkness and the crowds of people, my sense of longing increasing with every step. Stumbling through the dark, reaching for her, finally, I found her. We came face to face and she embraced me. Not in a physical hug but in warm, welcoming, loving energy and a beautiful smile. She welcomed me completely. She accepted me and was happy to see me. My whole being was overcome in awe of her beauty. I lost her again. In all the darkness and strangers and trees and paths. Again, I ran to find her. It was like running through a maze of people and trees and darkness. Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of her but couldnt reach and every now and again, we would come face to face. She would always welcome me. It was always beautiful and always brief. Then I would lose her again. I felt her near but just couldnt reach her. But on those occasions I did, there was so much love, so much joy, so much beauty before the darkness and crowds and trees took her away again. And somehow it was enough even though it wasnt. Those brief moments we encountered and embraced were so full of love that they are enough. Even with the pain, theres so much love. Even with longing and sadness and loneliness, there can still be joy and laughter and gratitude. I woke up this morning with a greater sense of love than longing. I woke up in awe. And this song played in my head.

I love dreams & especially ones that seem to have a deep purpose. This dream was two nights ago and soon I may post about one I had last night, another very healing one.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim ❤

Responsible Dog Caretaking

May12

This is not a happy, cute post about dogs. I wasnt going to put “dogs” as a tag so as not to mislead anyone looking for cute doggy pics. All you’ll find here are pics of painful injuries brought on by an aggressive dog as a result of humans (including myself) acting irresponsibly. But I decided to put the “dog” tag since it does involve dogs.

I was looking through pictures on my phone for something inspiring to post and found this. Just one of my many injuries when I was attacked by a dog (completely unprovoked[like I wasnt approaching her or talking to her-she just came at me], just wanted to attack me and no, NOT a pitbull or anything close to pitbull breed – a big chow chow who is not fear aggressive, just vicious aggressive with mostly humans & occasionally other dogs) almost a year ago. It’s STILL not healed. But looks way better than this now. And I have (usually mild) chronic pain where I did not before and permanent damage. Im scarred for life. It would have been worse but her human was able to intervene eventually, and distracted her enough for me to get away. Tried coming after me again, even bit him to get him to let her go (which he did) and get back to me! A couple of lessons here:

1.) If we have a dog we know is outright vicious, we never let that dog near anyone (humans or other animals who dont live with us), at least not without a muzzle(we have to learn how to properly muzzle a dog though so as not to accidentally hurt or kill the poor baby) . Not only can it result in injury, even death to a human or other animal but can result in the aggressive dog being seized and destroyed all because someone wasnt responsible. It’s a senseless tragedy all the way around.

2.) If we know a dog is aggressive, no matter how bold or brave we are, stay away!! Even if just for practical purposes like not being ripped to shreds. We may not be scared or we may be terrified & brave but we still know what can occur. I knew this dog is aggressive as I have been bitten & threatened by her previously on multiple occasions and witnessed her attacking another dog (a completely sweet n gentle chow) where I had to put myself in danger to rescue the innocent dog being attacked.

And still I put myself in harm’s way again later because I am brave. Unfortunately, I let my bravery lead to stupidity.

So ultimately, this is my own doing.

3.) We cannot expect to to be able to hold onto an aggressive dog(without a leash) while someone is walking by because that dog will clamp her/his teeth onto the skin of the person holding on even if the dog loves the person, to get to the one s/he wants to attack. And while some can endure it and keep holding on, most will probably let go. This isnt about being selfish or not caring. It’s not a conscious decision to put the self above another. It’s an automatic impulse. When we experience pain, our first reaction is to stop it, pull away, let go.

If someone ever says to walk by an aggressive dog and s/he will hold the dog back by the collar or just around the tummy, DON’T listen!! This is *extremely* important. That dog can very easily get to us still. It’s not safe. This happened to me. And it happened to others. There was a woman years ago, Diane Whipple, who was attacked & killed even when the dog’s human tried to restrain him. He kept getting loose and KILLED her. The dog, a canario, was later destroyed. And recently a small dog was killed, in Philadelphia, when pitbulls escaped their house and attacked him walking by. Their humans did not do their best to keep the attackers inside. I was told that at least one of these pitbulls was euthanized. These heartbreaking tragedies could have been prevented very easily. This poor girl and small dog (and all the others killed by dogs) could have still been alive today or at least longer than they were and are DEAD because people choose to be irresponsible.
I am scarred and damaged because we chose to act irresponsibly.

It’s not a complicated matter like some things. There are things that are very controversial (gun control issues, abortion, healthcare…) and may have great points on all sides and flaws on all sides and can seem difficult to come to a confident conclusion. But this issue here is clear-cut and doesnt have to be controversial. It’s simple and easy. Please lets take advantage of the simplicity and ease of this issue. Keep aggressive dogs inside and don’t allow guests near them & keep all dogs on leashes while out & about.

(Another girl was attacked by the same dog I was and these are just some of her injuries. She was attacked all over the body, hands, arms, legs)

4.) dogs must be leashed/kept inside & not let loose when it can result in a catastrophe. Other than non-aggressive dogs in dog parks or on their own property when it’s safe, they shouldnt be running around where they can attack or be attacked or injured in some other way. Our dog may be the sweetest, most loving thing but if that dog feels threatened in any way by another dog, our dog may not be so sweet about it n provoke/perpetuate aggression so it’s not ok having them running loose in public.

(More injuries caused by same chow chow)

There are many more injuries brought on by this dog, the chow chow, that are not shown in this post.

This is not my only or last encounter with an aggressive dog where something horrifying happened that could have been prevented. I have had innocent dogs on leashes who were attacked and injured, thankfully not killed(because neighbors ran over and helped us!), by a dog who escaped out of his house. My dogs werent the first he attacked. His family knew he was able to escape and admitted that he attacked at least one dog a day walking by on a leash. When he heard another dog walking by, he would push his door open and run out and viciously attack. They knew. Yet, they let it continue. Day after day. Hes not aggressive with humans but he accidentally bit me and ripped my bracelet off n broke it, trying to get to one of my dogs. Lock the doors. Bolt them, block them with something if thats what it takes to keep other dogs and humans as well as the aggressive dog safe. These things are easily preventable!

5.) There are vicious n loving dogs in all breeds. Theres no breed that should be “banned” or all killed. Large dogs who are aggressive can do more damage than small ones because of their size. It isnt about them being more likely to attack. There are some vicious little chihuahuas and many pitbulls & chow chows who are big teddy bears.

Most dogs, just like most humans, are great!!

Dogs can be assholes too! Lets be responsible with them. I still LOVE dogs!! {[(All breeds)]}

Much love & light

xoxoKim❤

Someone you can be proud of❤

Apr1

Recently, I saw this outside of a school for young children and LOVE it! What great values/characteristics to possess/display and teach children about. There’s nothing here about being physically good looking, being popular, religious (it’s a religious school, catholic, I think), financially rich, or even being intelligent, hardworking, or motivated. Not that those aren’t good things but they are not the most important or what really matters for being a good person. Someone chose great adjectives to encourage children to be, ones of substance and that will positively affect others. So beautiful!

I felt so proud upon seeing this sign but not sure what im proud of. Lol I have no kids and dont know any who attend this school. I dont know any of the staff/faculty there, that I know of, and have nothing to do with the school or people associated with it. I just see it when im walking dogs. But I am so pleased with the message! It’s an inspiring message for adults as well! Even adults can use a reminder every now & again!

Much love,

Xoxo Kim💜

F.E.A.R

Feb18

My therapist recently told me that we have a choice for how to handle fear. We can Fuck Everything and Run (lol!) or Face Everything and Recover. He said that both are ok but of course facing & recovering is more healthy and in the end will likely bring us the more desired results.

Recently, I encountered a scary situation. And I remembered my F.E.A.R choices. And I chose to……fuck everything and run. Lol!

The scary situation? Having to go into a building with an elevator.

In case you don’t know, I’m deathly afraid of being closed in small places alone, especially elevators – always have been and don’t know why – sometimes I actually feel like I’m going to die when I just think about it; I actually feel like death is around me, squeezing me, suffocating me. You can read more about my struggles & victories in these posts if you want!

It actually freaking happened

Serendipitous Strength

welcome to rock bottom – the only way is up

My choices? To suck it up and get on the elevator & know I have the courage & strength to handle it (going up I have to get on because the door to stairs is locked but coming back down, I can take the stairs), to take advantage of this opportunity for growth or to take the stairs and avoid that fear and the possibility of getting trapped on one by myself. And yes, I chose the second. :-/

Generally, I’m really good with facing my fear and even staying calm and getting inside the elevators alone. But this is the building where I recently got stuck in one, very briefly but still not pleasant(and I handled it so well, I must say!) and I just felt that I was in no mood for any nonsense that morning. Lol

It’s good for me to get onto elevators alone as much as I can so I can stregthen my courage & inner peace with them. I haven’t suffered any terrible relapse recently. But it’s possible that I can as I have before. Sometimes my heart still races a bit and my hands almost tremble when I get onto elevators alone but sometimes I’m very calm when I do. For a while, my phobic fear was pretty much gone, healed, recoverd. But I suffered a relapse a while ago and began to struggle again. Nowhere near as badly as before but still a bit of a struggle.

The morning I was in that building, I was struggling with the phobic fear and wasn’t up to facing it.

So when the elevator doors opened, I bolted and ran for the stairs.

I won’t make a habit of it. I will still choose to get into elevators alone and know I can handle whatever comes my way. I will remember my strength and progress and accomplishments. But there will also be moments I’ll give into weakness, forget my strength and courage and take the easy way, the way that doesn’t allow as much growth and an opportunity to strengthen my courage & virtue of patience. And that’s ok too!

We don’t always, always have to be strong and brave and inspiring and positive and perfect.

I’m generally very positive and mostly use social media for sharing inspirational and/or happy/positive things. But I also think it’s good to be genuine and share my not so inspiring experiences/choices. Like running away and not facing my fear.

I was disappointed that I couldn’t write a post about how I was brave and strong in the face of my phobic fear and how I handled it like a pro! Lol I was sorry I couldn’t use my own experience to try to inspire others or encourage someone to be brave, feel the fear and do it anyway. I could have written that post but it would be dishonest.

But then I remembered that sharing our weaknesses and less than pleasant aspects and experiences can be just as inspiring and just as encouraging and uplifting to others as sharing our strengths. There are others who run, make mistakes, have setbacks, do things that aren’t the best. And sharing this can help each other see that someone else understands and that it’s actually ok. We have permission to not always be positive and strong and brave. We have permission to falter. To stumble. To fall. We have permission to run once in a while. Just so long as it doesn’t become a habit or way of life, it’s all good! And if it does become an unhealthy habit, that’s ok, we can fix it. Habits can be reversed. Fall and get back up.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Or not.

Whatever you choose, I’m here cheering you on!

Virtual Hugs to you! ❤ (virtual hugs are good for all because even if you don’t like actual hugs, you’re not actually being touched. lol)

Xoxo Kim

My Endless Love❤

Feb15

“…and your eyes
Your eyes, your eyes
They tell me how much you care
Ooh yes, you will always be
My endless love.”❤

Last year I got to spend Valentine’s Day with this lil baby. His name is Quincy. He got sick and died a few months ago but he’ll always be my endless love. I did not get to see him frequently and I cherished (and still cherish) every moment we shared together. He lived in a nursing home with his daddy and I used to walk him sometimes. He was so sweet & adorable and a lil porker. Sometimes he was mischievous and would run out into the hallway when he wasn’t supposed to. He knew how to get back to his room after we got back inside the building and stepped off the elevator. He knew his way around better than I did. He was never snappy and always sweet. He let me pick him up. I would take him to the park and he had so many friends there. Everyone, everywhere loved him. He got endless compliments.

Last year, on Valentine’s Day, they were having a big Valentine’s Day party for the nursing home residents. All the old people were dressed up and dancing to this song.

Endless Love – Lionel Richie/Diana Ross

How cute!

I miss & love Quincy and am so thankful our lives crossed. His death still knocks the wind out of me. It was so unexpected. He just got sick overnight. My heart completely broke when my boss told us.

But my love is more powerful than the pain of the loss. Quincy was around eleven years old I think. And he lived a very happy life and was surrounded by so much love.

In loving memory of sweet Quincy baby…💘❤

Xoxo Kim

Love is never lost❤

Feb11

“All this time, I had hoped and prayed for a miracle. Maybe I’d missed it. Maybe the real miracle was all around me. Perhaps the greatest miracle of all was that I could let her go and never lose her. Why? I don’t know. I don’t think God explains why. Not because he isn’t listening or because he doesn’t care. But perhaps because the reasons don’t make sense. Not now, anyway. When Lazarus died, Christ didn’t tell his sisters everything would be all right. It wasn’t. Lazarus was dead and they were in pain. Christ knew Lazarus would live but he didn’t belittle his friends’ grief. He didn’t try to explain it away. He didn’t try to dry their tears. He wept with them. He loved them. It’s in that love that I trust now.” ❤

Warning – Spoiler alert about a movie I watched, called Charley! This is a quote in the movie that I shared above. It’s about a Morman man who falls in love with a girl who is very unlike the kind of girl he always thought of as his dream girl. He always thought he wanted a simple, predictable woman. A woman who is reserved and grew up religious, one who is “safe” and cautious like himself.

Then he meets Charley and she’s anything but predictable. She’s loud and funny and spontaneous. She’s outgoing and skeptical. He never knows what shes going to say or do next.

Here is the spoiler.

I was in the mood for a lighthearted, funny romantic comedy, which is what this movie is at first. Then it turns dark out of nowhere. It was completely unexpected. In the description it says nothing about a tragedy which occurs towards the end. I won’t completely give it away but the man suffers a great loss. At first he will not accept it. He outright refuses. He denies. He screams, cries, sobs, yells in anger, throws things. He has a breakdown and cannot understand why his god would allow him to experience such a tragedy. He prays & prays for what he thinks is the biggest miracle.

And it never happens. His prayer is not answered how he desperately hoped it would be. At first, he cannot bear his devastating loss. Then he realizes that when we love someone, even when that someone dies, we don’t lose that love. Love is forever.

I love the message about non-attachment. Even though I’m not a Mormon or woman of any kind of religious faith where they believe in a god, I find that this message resonates with me on a deep level.

Perhaps the greatest miracle of all was that I could let her go and never lose her.

We can let go of those we love when we have to and still not lose that love we share with them. We will love & lose as long as we live, humans & nonhumans, friends, family, pets…and it will be extremely painful but we will go on and carry that love with us, always.

Also, I love the message about Jesus letting his friends grieve, weep, and cope with their terrible loss, without trying to make everything ok, without invalidating their pain, without any kind of platitudes. He just lets them be and shares their pain. I understand someone can argue that Jesus could have prevented this death or just healed their grief with his special powers….but that isn’t my point here.

Im not looking at this with a religious point of view as I am not a believer in this sort of thing. I’m just looking at it as a story with an inspiring aspect to it. This is a great way to be to others. To let them live their experiences without trying to change them or make things ok that can never be ok. No matter how positive we are and how happy we will be later, some things just aren’t ok to some people at this moment no matter what someone says or does. Suffering a devastating loss of someone close to us, human or nonhuman, may just never seem ok. And it may be better in some cases to let someone grieve, weep, suffer…how that person has to before moving forward into healing.

In this story, Jesus cried along with them. Sometimes maybe all someone needs is for us to sit close and share that pain.

What an inspiring movie. It is a religious movie but I also see a deeper message that even a “non-believer,” like myself, can be inspired by if we allow our mind to be open. The deeper message can resonate with us whether we are religious or not. It’s about how life can still be beautiful even after loss or other unpleasant experiences and how Love never truly is lost.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Much love & light & hugs!❤

Xoxo Kim

It actually freaking happened!!!!

Feb10

(Not my photo)

I wrote this a few days ago and lost the courage to post it lol

Ahhh, fuck me, it finally happened!

Is someone kidding me or what?!

If you read my post here, you’re not going to believe this but it happened!

I GOT STUCK ON AN ELEVATOR BY MYSELF!!!! lol I promise I’m not joking.

(I would probably be too terrified to joke about that! 😲😨😱😭😢)

I’m really amused. I’m just laughing at the irony. It reminds me of the Alanis Morrissette song ‘cept my ironic predicament isn’t nearly as grave.

“Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
‘Well isn’t this nice…‘
And isn’t it ironic… Don’t you think“

Alanis Morissette – Ironic

Somehow, somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt safe. As terrified as I was about getting trapped on an elevator by myself, some part of me believed with everything I have in me, that since I’m so scared of being trapped in one, it’s not going to happen. (This probably isn’t a statistically correct way of reasoning) What are the chances, right?!

Wrong!! It’s like the uni-verse got a consciousness and decided to play some cruel joke on me. Some twisted, sicko, psycho joke.

Tuesday, for work, I had to go to Center City, Philadelphia to visit this cutie:

When I got onto an elevator and the doors closed, I did what I really shouldn’t do and watched the digital floor numbers. When I watch, it feels like an eternity before they change. Just like waiting for food in an oven to be complete. Keep checking and it’s not getting done. Lol It just feels that way.

So anyway, I got on an elevator on the 4th floor, the doors closed, I watched the 4 and it was taking way too long to change and I told myself it’s just the usual thing where because I’m watching and waiting, it seems like forever. But no. Five seconds later, 10, 20, a minute (!!!!!) later and elevator is not moving and the red 4 is just there. Wwhhhaaattt?!?! And I’m waiting for panic to settle in.

But it doesn’t. I feel calm as can be. Wwhhhaaattt?!?! Me, stuck inside an elevator by myself and just a little tinge of anxiety?!?!

My heart began beating a little bit faster and my hands were a bit trembly but no panic or intense fear.

I pushed the “call” button and “alarm” button and they wouldn’t do 💩. The call button made a brief ringing noise but no one answered. I kept pushing them alternately, call, alarm, call, alarm. The alarm did nothing at all and call kept ringing with no answer. One thing I found comforting was the fact that I heard the janitor through the elevator doors. So I started knocking loudly on the doors and yelling “excuse me!” But no one answered me.

Then the elevator started calling out floor numbers and its voice started becoming jumbled and it was quickly calling out numbers that weren’t showing on the screen and the voice was speeding up. Then the elevator started going up instead of down, which was what I was trying to do, go down to the lobby.

Then a new fear crept in. The elevator seemed to be going berserk and I wondered if it was going to drop & crash and crush me to death or something. So this is my death day, for a second I was really wondering.

When it got to the 10th floor, it finally opened!!! And there was a kind young man holding an adorable golden puppy in his arms. I got off the elevator and explained what happened and told him he may not want to get on that one since it was just malfunctioning.

He thanked me and expressed empathy and told me it must have been scary. He had no idea! Probably a bit scary for anyone but a girl with the phobic fear I struggle with!? Since he seemed so warm & understanding, I told him about my immense fear and how I worked on myself, including professional therapy, to heal the fear, and he was so understanding! So here I was spilling my guts to a complete stranger in a hallway. And he listened so well. Im so touched!❤

I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown. Not because I felt like I was going to. I actually did not feel that way. But because I’m me and that’s what I do at the mere thought of being trapped in an elevator alone, break down. Lol

But I’m still standing!

It hit me harder when I got home at night. Still no panic or breakdowns but fear & anger. Im not sure what Im angry at but it’s just so bizarre and twisted that my worst nightmare actually came true. Law of attraction much? Lol

I’m so freaked out and don’t know what to make of it.

And I’m not completely sure why I did not panic while in the elevator or after it was all over. Looks like all my personal development work really paid off! I wasn’t sure if I was just shocked and too numb to feel fullblown fear but even later after it was all over and the shock wore off, I still wasn’t a wreck.

But right now thinking about being stuck in an elevator, I can’t imagine not panicking. It seems scarier in my head than it is in reality.

I used to hurt myself impulsively if I thought I was going to be stuck in an elevator. I would be so overcome in terror, I would go into a panic and scratch myself with my fingernails until my skin would bleed or I would just squeeze part of my body really hard, like not on purpose but just automatically. I even did this recently on an elevator but Tuesday I did not hurt myself at all or even think about it or have an urge to.

For as long as I can remember, I have recurring nightmares, off and on, about being trapped on an elevator by myself or just having to go on one and being terrified. When I was recently stuck in one, when I first realized it was happening, it felt like I was reliving one of my nightmares that happen when I sleep. That feeling only occurred at first then wore off.

So nightmares really do come true! 😉

Isn’t it ironic?

A little too ironic. 😃

And reading this, it may seem that I was in there a long while but it was really less than five minutes. I felt more like it was an inconvenience than a terrifying experience.

Hugs to everyone who wants any!

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim ❤

Opportunity💜

Feb5

Let’s plants seeds of love everywhere we go through acts of kindness, kind intentions, speech, thoughts….and the world will be a much more beautiful place! And if kindness isn’t currently our lifestyle, we can practice til it is! And if it already is, we can strengthen it through even more loving intentions & actions!❤ Let’s start with smiling at everyone we look at today & wishing everyone well! 😊

Much love & light,

Kim

Fly Eagles Fly!!! 🏈💚🏈💚

Feb5

In honor of our big win tonight I’m sharing a couple cute pics (n a couple of me lol) & some quotes!

Here is a little Eagles fan, Ellie! 😙😚

And here is a girl I’m spending the night with:

Her name is Brownie. They are both sweet pitbull mixes.

It’s like New Year here but even more festive; there’s people screaming hysterically with instruments and fireworks and tear gas and confetti and all kinds of stuff! There’s police cars as well. How thrilling!

“Beware of the underdog”

“Stand up for the underdog, the ‘loser.’ Sometimes having the strength to show loving support for unacknowledged others turns the tides of our own lives.” 💜

“We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog because we see ourselves in them.”❤

“Songwriting and poetry are so commonly birthed from underdogs because one can make even the ugliest situations admirable, or more beautiful than the beautiful situations – they are the most graceful media in which the lines of society are distorted.” 💚💜

🏈

I hope you are having a beautiful & safe (!!!)day or night wherever in the world you are!

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim 💚

Roll with it, Baby!❤

Jan7

“When life is too much, roll with it, baby

Don’t stop and lose your touch, oh no, baby

Hard times knocking on your door

I’ll tell them you ain’t there no more

Get on through it, roll with it, baby

Luck’ll come and then slip away

You’ve gotta move, bring it back to stay

You just roll with it, baby”

Roll with it – Steve Winwood

“A monk asked ‘What does it mean to go where there’s no cold or heat?’
Tung-shan said, ‘In the cold, cold freezes you; in the heat, heat burns you up.'” 💛
💙
💚
💜
💗
Roll with it, Baby! ❤🕉️ #acceptance #justbe #koan #buddha #love #wisdom #inspiration #breathe #oneness #zen #loverofreality #justbreathe #gowiththeflow #rollwithit #keephurdling #itsallgood #itiswhatitis #shithappens #suckitup #detachment #renunciation #wwbd #whatwouldbuddhado #letitgo #keepgoing #yougotthis #livewithitandloveit #deepwisdom

This is a post of mine on Instagram I shared somewhat recently. I copied the tags and pasted them here because they add to the wisdom of the koan I shared with the picture.

I shared this on Instagram because the wisdom is so inspiring but never realized that not long later, my own post would sooth & inspire me more than ever.

Last night, I was listening to music on my super old phone. It’s a blackberry phone that is broken mostly but some parts, including music & memos, still work. I use it frequently and have years of poetic/philosophical/creative/deep….writings & things on it. Most of these writings are my own and some are the writings of others that I find fascinating & inspiring. I don’t remember who all the writers are or where to find the writings again. I just have it all saved onto my old phone.

While listening to the music, I accidentally hit my phone against a bar on my bed and the phone shut down and won’t come back on. So years of brilliance gone! Lol I have experienced things like this before, losing stuff I have written and can never get back but this is the worst one yet. I even have a few philosophical essays/writings I wrote in college that I saved off the university account (which I know longer have) onto that phone and have been so thankful to still have. Hundreds upon hundreds, probably thousands of files gone. Some I kept just for me to read but most I eventually planned to share, things I poured my “heart & soul” into and now wish I would have just shared it all already.

I was laying in bed thinking how this kills me & looking at my own Instagram account when I came across this post I recently shared. For a few seconds, especially while reading the tags I put on it, I felt soothed and inspired.

My “grief” comes in waves just like any other form of grief. This grief though is nowhere near the magnitude of grief experienced after the loss of a human or animal/nonhuman friend or family member/…… It’s beyond disappointing but I wouldn’t say I’m shattered or even devastated. Though I feel as if some sort of devastation may hit later.

I keep remembering specific things I lost like certain writings, e-books, and website links I don’t remember but looked at a lot. I just remember the content, not the names or links. More & more keep coming to me and automatically, I try to repress it so as not to remember more of what I lost. I feel that it’s like losing a big part of myself. It was like an electronic journal of sorts. So many of my experiences & reflections…gone.

When this happened before but not as much or good stuff lost, I fell into a depression for a while. Usually, things that happen in my environment don’t trigger a depressive episode/symptoms but sometimes they can. This morning I very briefly wondered if this would provoke some sort of depression in me.

This experience reminds me how much more evolved I am than some years ago. Years ago, I would have found this incident almost unbearable. I was way more attached. But now, though it’s way more than just a minor annoyance or disappointment, it’s not a catastrophe! And this experience also shows me how much more I still have to evolve. It’s not the end of the world but it’s still bad enough to me that I woke up with anxiety and still have anxiety off & on. I’m very disturbed and keep wishing it would come back on and bring all my stuff back to me.

So it’s a good thing to have this experience to inspire me to work even more to get better & better. Also, it’s a reminder of my lighthearted, easily amused nature! I have always been very easily amused and playful and even when severely depressed or grieving, I am able to sense my cheerful nature underneath it all.

Last night I searched Google in a desperate attempt to find any little bit of hope that my phone would somehow come back on. I couldn’t find any hope on the net but saw someone wrote “My blackberry z10 croaked today” and I burst out laughing. It gave me a belly laugh and when I was telling my mom, I could hardly talk!

Unpleasant things can bring out much pleasantness if we are open to it!❤

So this koan here that I shared on Insta. Shows us how if we just roll with it and go with the flow, just let the self dissolve into the situation, no matter how unpleasant or painful, we will become one with it til it’s no more. Just let it be. Tolerate it. Then accept it. Then welcome it. Then embrace it. It is what it is and it cannot be different. The tags that helped me the most when I saw my post are #shithappens & #suckitup. Just reading those, I found it so uplifting. It’s just so true. A little bit of “tough love” to lift the spirit!😆😊

If you are experiencing anything unpleasant (and also pleasant things!), no matter how serious or trivial, just remember to roll with it, baby! You got this!!

(Lol photo not mine!)

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim