“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” ❤
“Take that first step even if you can’t see the whole staircase.” ❤
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” ❤
“No matter how long we have been traveling down the wrong road, as long as we’re alive, it’s never too late to turn around and begin again.”❤
It’s never too late! Life is hope. Keep going!
Much love & light,
Xoxo Kim
“You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright”
Making love out of nothing – air supply
I wrote this like three weeks ago(??) but just posting it now. I have been in the throes of a deep, dark depression. It really had a firm hold on me. This is the longest & worst one in years. It’s like something crushing my whole body. My head felt like a pancake. Like something so heavy, flattening it. These episodes used to last for months then began only lasting a couple weeks. This one is over a month now and so intense. I have not been handling this as well as I usually handle them. Also if you read this post, you will see I mention a friend who is no longer my friend. Maybe we are still friends but it’s not like it used to be. I have been struggling with this grief. Not grief like when someone dies but a kind of grief for something that isn’t the same anymore. Thank you for the sweet comments!! I will get back to you. My head has been so heavy, I was hardly able to see straight. There are so many things to be happy about and I am and still genuinely laugh & smile but underneath it all, there was this emptiness, loneliness, sorrow, pain, this purposelessness. This Sickness crushing my existence. It’s extremely rare for me to say/think negative things about myself even when im depressed. But with this depression, I have been. I felt like this episode was trying to end but then something kept pulling me back into it. It’s like quicksand pulling me and the more I struggled, the deeper it pulled me in. But at least it’s not my physical pain disorder acting up(it does off & on but nothing very serious recently), which is worse than this in a way.
Two days ago was the first full day in forty days that I had no suicidal thoughts/urges/contemplation. It was gray outside & rainy but I felt like the sun was shining on me non stop all day & night. I couldnt stop smiling.
I am generally very happy but with recurring episodes of severe depression, usually for no reason.
It seems I am coming out of this depression now. It started to lift but I can still feel the aftermath of it. Like if you have ever had a bad cold or influenza and it’s over or about to be you can still feel the effects of it. I have been hit hard. After over a month of thick, heavy layers upon layers of nearly debilitating depression, my body has some healing to do. But my sense of self is stronger again. It feels like if Im not careful, it can pull me back in as Im not completely healed yet. So I have to be mindful of it for a while and be especially careful of triggers. This thing is just like any physical illness that can flare up. No matter what anyone says or believes about it, I am convinced it’s a disease. I know what it does to me, not just my mood and thought process but my physical body as well. It is a disease. But I still have the ability to make choices that can help it.
This post is long so I want to add more pics so here is one of me on June 5th, I think. I was happy to be in a park on a sunny & breezy day with my best friend furever (my dog[actually she isnt mine but i love her the same]).
So here is my post(written three weeks ago).
Ok, so I have a confession! Very awkward lol
I have been severely depressed & suicidal since May 3, 2018. It’s bad. It was triggered by an external factor (not like some big incident, just someone who was my good friend for many years and my closest friend is not my friend anymore [he replaced me with someone else; it happened gradually over the last few months and the depression hit me hard that day & is ongoing- it’s not his fault Im suicidal & depressed though as no one but me is responsible for my happiness]and now I have no one and it has completely devastated my whole life) and now just took on a life of its own. Two of the most annoying symptoms are, nothing has any flavor and I cant concentrate on anything. Also, forget about sleeping! There is this devastating sense of complete worthlessness & lack of purpose. Like theres no reason for me to be here in this world and im stuck here and no matter what I do, there is no point and like it will always be this way. My existence is totally worthless. Often when a depressive episode hits, I can tell myself it’s just an illness lying to me, not really that Im worthless but with this one, it’s hard. It seems like it’s not really an illness afflicting me but true pointlessness/worthlessness. There is external evidence. And on top of it, I cant taste anything. Everything is so bland. It’s like everything is covered with something.
Certain songs still inspire me and bring some sense of life into the numbness like the song sung by Air Supply Im sharing here. But everything else is blah. Im sharing this song because it deeply inspires me. It seems like a sad breakup song but just look at those lyrics!
“Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost
And it’s looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I’ve gotta follow it“
Isn’t this so beautiful? This person is a light for someone else even in his/her own pain and even when they are no longer together.
The man is singing to someone who has experienced great pain and can take the darkness & use it to become light. He is inspired even though this person seems to have left him. How incredibly beautiful & deeply inspiring!
Everything has become a hassle. I struggle to do simple, mundane things like walking. It’s taking the life right out of me.
And I have lost much of my sense of self. I have also been experiencing anger, which is not typical of me even when I’m depressed. But now Im walking around harboring anger, some occasions more than others. It’s not even really directed at anyone or anything specifically but does tend to show in my interactions with people. Im not unhappy with my whole life in general; it was one thing and like I said, now became a thing of its own and so Im taking it out on everything and not thankful for anything good I have. It’s not fury, just ordinary anger. I dont know what to do because there isn’t anything specifically I want to change necesarily. It’s just everywhere I go, I am surrounded in darkness & crushed by some invisible thing. Im in a different world than everyone else. This is not my choice and not merely a bad mood.
All of my passion is gone. I used to love walking, working, being out & about, now it’s all just an obligation that I have to force myself to do. I know my love for it is still here somewhere and can feel it but it’s now dormant. Even my dogs sense something wrong with me and try to make me better. And I push them away. So they try harder. It’s funny & cute.
It is possible to be very depressed and still have a positive attitude about it. And usually I do. But with this one, I have the absolute WORST attitude about it. I choose to. I’m making a choice in each moment to approach this battle with a lousy attitude. Lol At least im admitting it!
I’m so done with this life. Im not even waiting for this episode to end because I really dont think it’s going to.
My mom wants me to go to a hospital but I’m not.
I am still my very easily amused self though! That hasnt changed at all. I still have genuine belly laughs everyday! And my smile is sincere. Even though Im deeply depressed, I am not miserable or gloomy or bitter. Some people think when depressed people smile, joke, or laugh, it’s a coverup to hide the pain. But im not trying to hide anything. If I was, then I wouldnt be posting this. I am just naturally lighthearted & cheerful even when my whole body is heavy with depression. Not all of us are fakes. Depressed people can still smile & laugh & love for real.
I must admit that I still have things to be joyful about and they do bring me joy but even that true joy doesnt make me want to live. I still savor the moments of simple joy. Each occasion Im with a furball, a cool breeze on a hot day, all the Spring flowers (I sometimes stop to inhale the scents, so beautiful), a belly laugh, saying hello to a friendly stranger…it’s not the same though, with depression.
As bad as this depression is, one of the worst I have ever experienced, for sure, it is not the worst thing I ever felt. Grief and cluster-like headaches are worse (at least to me) even though grief & loss and those physical headaches dont usually contribute to me wanting to die and this severe depression does. Interesting right?! This somewhat lesser pain gets me wanting to die more than more severe pain. It’s a different kind of pain though. It doesnt always have to do with severity level but the kind it is.
This depression sucks but sure is better than those headaches! At this moment, I would choose this over those devastating, horrifying headaches.
I recently came across some things that surprised and amused and inspired me.
I found this one during a very difficult struggle last week, I think(I have no sense of time anymore), walking up the street in the rain. I was desperate for anything to ease my mind and right then, I saw a fortune cookie, broken, on the ground. I picked up the pieces and read the fortune before eating the cookie! Lol jk I did read the fortune but did not eat the cookie!
I laughed out loud because it’s so coincidental and perfect for my situation. It’s true that people want us to succeed, even strangers! People are always stopping to help others and sending gifts to those in need in the midst of tragedies, donating blood and money and other things. Anyway, it doesnt matter if people are rooting for us or not but the thing is, they are!
One day, I was in a car thinking about killing myself just as I looked over and saw this. Lol
I was at a subway recently (not to kill myself but for a different reason) and it was on my mind and then I saw this. Im not calling the number but I love the message. ❤
I told my mom and she is 100% convinced they are some sort of supernatural “signs” that I should stay in the world. I dont believe in signs like that at all. To me, they are coincidences. But I was still happy to see them.
My mom was angry at me because she was talking to me and I got angry and started saying negative things. She recently called my friend, the one who replaced me, a rude word, only to me, not to his face, and then later while talking to me again about something else, I brought it up and said it was rude of her to call him that and that she probably thinks it of me also. And my sister was also angry at me because she was concerned about me (i was out late one night without my phone n she thought I got murdered and i had like 20 annoying messages)and I told her to fuck off. She then told me to go fuck my self. Lol I was amused when she said it to me. My mom said we have terrible language. I rarely talk like this! Im posting this so people can see the truth, that im not sweet, kind, and beautiful like people seem to think. Im not constantly angry and rude or snippy like this, more often I’m not. I still smile at strangers and say hello and want to help people in need. So it’s not that im like a horrible monster or psycho. But im also not beautiful and pleasant like im often mistaken for.
It feels that something has invaded me, invaded my body, my existence, my whole life. A dark, heavy cloud or quilt just hangs over me everywhere I go. It weighs on me physically. I have felt the life force drained right out of me and dont know that I will ever get it back. I dont know that I will ever be the happy girl I was. This is my life now. This isnt a usual episode of suicidal depression that I have occasionally. Those are nothing new. They come and go and Im generally happy. This thing is worse. This one has ruined me.
My body has never been so sick. It’s like each part of me weighs 1000 pounds. It feels like my body is producing extra blood and making me extra heavy and hard to move. My ass drags. Lol Im not trying to be funny but I did just make myself laugh with that.
“Now maybe someday the suns gonna shine
Flowers will bloom and all will be fine
But nothing’ll grow on this burnt cursed ground
‘Cause the breath of the death is the only sound“
A strange thing is, somehow, deep inside, I have have this suspicion. I suspect that I can & will get better, that I can be that girl again. The happy girl, full of life, passion. It’s just this faint inkling deep within that I really do have what it takes to get back to myself, to not live in darkness, in pain, in emptinenss. I know it’s my responsibility to get better. But I dont care to embrace that small spark of hope. I dont have the motivation, the strength to hope or try to fix. I have this angry tenacity that wants to extinguish that speck of hope, that glimpse of Knowing. I want to drown it and just disappear forever. But I can feel it here.
(Me today)
Fun fact: I dont care what I look like anymore (I was never overly concerned even when Im not depressed – I go out in pjs sometimes and with no makeup n ratty hair!😁) or what clothes I wear. (This surely isnt the fun part!) Getting a shower & dressed in the morning is just a big hassle. But it has to be done, right? So heres the fun part! I just reached into my clothes to pull out any random shirt and the one I happened to get is my one & only suicide prevention/HOPE shirt! Lol So I wore it n walked around all day feeling like a hypocrite.
Here is me recently in my “STAY” shirt! A while ago, over a year ago, I was in a depressive state and wondering if I should stay or go and was actually thinking those exact words when I looked up and saw a heart painted on a wall with the word “STAY” just like this one. I was inspired & found it heartwarming and love the heart! It inspired me so much & I carried it with me then coincidentally, a while later, I actually met the girl who put it there, in person! Amazing! I told her how much her work inspires me, especially the STAY heart and as a gift, she have me this shirt, a pin, & a print all with this heart!❤
And one last thing, on a more positive note, I totally conquered my debilitating fear being on an elevator alone! I did!! I even fulfilled my dream! Lol Usually we probably think of big things like educations and jobs and stuff when we hear/read about dreams being fulfilled. This one is simple but to me it was very important. There is one elevator that really scared me more than the rest, just looking at it. And it’s very slow. I truly believed I would never ever be able to get onto that one alone, even after recovery. Somehow I recovered enough to get onto that one alone! Without any fear!! Holy guacamole! Lol🤣😂😙
So, to sum it all up: im depressed & suicidal and often in complete despair and have been for like nearly a month and it’s not necessarily that I dont think it can get better but just that I dont even have the motivation or strength to try to get better. It takes everything out of me. Usually, I just let them run their course and they get better on their own along with my positive attitude and personal development techniques that help them along. But Im just about sure this one isnt going anywhere on its own and on top of it, my attitude about it sucks and im doing nothing to help it. Ultimately, it’s up to me to get myself better. It doesnt feel like it can or will ever get better but some part of me Knows it can. I dont know if it’s even worth it to keep going or try anything to help me.
(Lol I see this on a wall everyday & it resonates with me in my depression.)
It’s like im so worthless it’s not worth keeping me alive. This is true. I really dont know if I am going to win this battle with this one.
I know it’s my choice though and that this is no one’s fault or responsibility but my own. I dont know if I will muster the strength to win this battle. I really may not survive this one like I always do. I don’t see a point in me surviving & keep not wanting to even if it can get better. I keep wanting everything to end, good & bad alike. This is very, very bad. This one is kicking my ass good!!
This is an awkward post, right?! But it’s real and it’s good to post the good & the bad (if we dont mind sharing!) so people can see we arent all one or the other. And my main reason for posting this is in case it can help someone else in any way. It may help to read about someone else’s experience & these sweet messages here!
(Lol! Ok. When I saw this “hang in there you pussy,” it really made me want to hang on if even just a little bit longer. I laughed myself to sleep, genuinely amused. It may be a bit inappropriate but definitely lightens my mood. A suicide prevention person shared it. Kind of appalling to call us pussies while advocating suicide prevention [like wth?] but still funny.)
Just so everyone knows, I am not in any way dangerous to anyone else at all. I only want myself to die and if I ever do choose to go, it will be a way that will not in any way hurt or interfere with anyone else. No matter how low I sink, I never want to hurt/kill anyone else, physically or psychologically(so I wont kill myself in public with anyone around or any way that involves or potentially involves others like in traffic/train/jumping). If there is even the slightest chance anyone else (human, animal, or insect) can be hurt physically or suffer psychological damage of witnessing the act or being involved in any way, I will not choose that method. I prefer to live in agony than hurt others. I have absolutely no desire to hurt/kill/traumatize anyone and also I know it’s wrong morally &/or legally. Even when I sink to the lowest depth of my despair(like lately), I still have my wit about me enough to know it is wrong to hurt others. I love everyone!! I won’t hurt you!!❤ I’m responsible. I am not homicidal and not a psycho and have no urge to go on a rampage. Never have. I want my own pain & worthlessness to end. That is all. And I am not going to “snap” & go on a killing spree. There is no such thing as “snapping.” That is a myth. I cherish/value all life, just not my own now. Most of us aren’t a threat to others but we still have people who think we are.
I wish you, anyone who may be reading this, the best and hope you are surrounded in love & light & beauty. If you’re struggling hard like I am, then as you can see, you arent alone in the struggle. I am here. (Not for long hopefully, lol jk) Much love & light, always…
P.s. June 13, 2018 – I dont mind having this disease. I like what it teaches/reminds me and how it deepens my empathy and how it strengthens me after weakening me. And I just love so very much, the feeling of it lifting. It’s like a whole new world. It is totally worth living in deep, oppressive darkness for weeks or months just for the few days of the feeling of it lifting. What a gift!! So beautiful. Depression is not my enemy. It’s my teacher, my disease, my gift, part of me and I embrace it. Of course it’s easier to say this when I’m not in the midst of it. I wasn’t always able to say this but now I can. Also, if this post is full of spelling or any other errors, I wasn’t in my right mind when I wrote most of it. Lol Maybe I’m going to survive this battle after all?
xoxo Kim ❤
Recently, my Teacher told us that someone called him (physically) ugly and also said he is old. He responded by telling the person that it’s ok if he’s old and is ugly on the outside because he’s beautiful on the inside & that is what matters. He encouraged us to think that way also. It doesnt matter if we are old and/or ugly. If we are compassionate, joyful, peaceful, look for the goodness in the world & others while wishing them the best, that is true beauty. Theres nothing wrong with celebrating physical beauty but inner beauty is the true gift! And living longer is a blessing! Age isnt a flaw. I love this little gem of wisdom!
Much love & light, always,
Xoxo Kim
Thank you so much to everyone who wrote me comments & liked any of my posts, & followed the blog recently!! I have lots of catching up to do and will get back to you soon!! I appreciate each & every one!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Much love & light,
Xoxo Kim ❤
“There are signs of spring appearing all around, assuring me that the natural world is re-awakening, despite the fact that it does not yet feel like spring.
There are still piles of snow on the ground and icicles hanging from the roof tops, and the overnight temp last night was a cool 15 degrees!
But in spite of what feels like winter’s final, desperate cling, there are buds sprouting on the trees, hundreds of birds returning to the garden, newborn ducklings, squirrels aplenty, and, perhaps, the most awe-inspiring sign has been the visits of two bald eagles, who have been flying overhead, right over my backyard at dusk each night, perhaps nesting in a special spot nearby!”
This is something I received in an e-mail through a soulfulliving.com subscription, written by Valerie. I was going to share my photo above, on Instagram, and caption it, “Spring is in the air!” Then I realized today actually is the first day of Spring here. I totally did not realize til someone told me lol
It sure doesn’t feel like Spring; it’s freezing cold and we’re having a snow blizzard. I love it! But also love Spring weather & am so happy for the impending Springy weather and everything that comes along with it.
This beautiful piece, I shared above, by Valerie, inspires me and is a beautiful reminder of how inspiring nature is.
I have been struggling a bit with lower back pain. It’s not chronic pain; it’s only temporary (at least I hope so!) but it does tend to get quite severe every now & again. Sometimes I can’t reach for things and it throbs whether I’m sitting, standing, or laying and occasionally I get just very little to no relief. It is difficult because I work with dogs! So it’s kind of hard managing back pain & physical limitations with a bunch of furballs jumping all over me and pulling me. Lol
At some points, I found it difficult to have an interest in anything because the pain consumes me. It’s definitely not the worst pain I ever felt and generally, it’s not unbearable. Pain of any sort or any level isnt fun though! I’m also sick and exhausted. Im laying in bed now half sleeping but still managing to think & write. Lol
For about two months, I have worked seven days a week(I generally work seven days a week and love it but have been working many, many more hours than usual), some days, 24 hours(overnight), morning til night. Some days I was out for work at 6 something in the morning til around 10:00pm. I LOVE the job. This much physical work really takes a toll on the body though. My poor body needs a break. It has been under a tremendous amount of stress. (At least it’s work that I love though)
As Valerie states in her message, it doesn’t feel like Spring. It’s cold, snowy, icy…but there are signs of Spring everywhere, still blooming through the harsh Wintery weather. Spring blooms and life blossoms are around. Snow, ice, cold, Winter, doesn’t hinder it.
I am reminded that we can do the same. We can blossom, keep going, and let our beauty bloom all around straight through the pain, stress, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, grief…or whatever other struggles we may currently be experiencing.
We can channel that inner-spring and unleash it, sending it out into the uni-verse to lift everyone around us. Look for all the little gems of beauty we can find, all the flowers, acts of kindness, butterflies, animals, smiles, hugs, laughs, pretty colors, inspirational quotes, uplifting social media/blog posts, the love of a pet, a favorite song or food, the feel of soft blankets, the fragrance of flowers, food, coffee, cookies baking….any little bit of beauty…these are the things to focus on, to dwell on, to embrace.
I’m happy to share this soulfulliving message here along with my experience and hope others can be inspired also, to keep going & appreciate all the simple joys of living.
We all have an inner-spring just waiting to be embraced & unleashed!
Much love & light, & hugs!!
Xoxo Kim💐💚
“When life is too much, roll with it, baby
Don’t stop and lose your touch, oh no, baby
Hard times knocking on your door
I’ll tell them you ain’t there no more
Get on through it, roll with it, baby
Luck’ll come and then slip away
You’ve gotta move, bring it back to stay
You just roll with it, baby”
“A monk asked ‘What does it mean to go where there’s no cold or heat?’
Tung-shan said, ‘In the cold, cold freezes you; in the heat, heat burns you up.'” 💛
💙
💚
💜
💗
Roll with it, Baby! ❤🕉️ #acceptance #justbe #koan #buddha #love #wisdom #inspiration #breathe #oneness #zen #loverofreality #justbreathe #gowiththeflow #rollwithit #keephurdling #itsallgood #itiswhatitis #shithappens #suckitup #detachment #renunciation #wwbd #whatwouldbuddhado #letitgo #keepgoing #yougotthis #livewithitandloveit #deepwisdom
This is a post of mine on Instagram I shared somewhat recently. I copied the tags and pasted them here because they add to the wisdom of the koan I shared with the picture.
I shared this on Instagram because the wisdom is so inspiring but never realized that not long later, my own post would sooth & inspire me more than ever.
Last night, I was listening to music on my super old phone. It’s a blackberry phone that is broken mostly but some parts, including music & memos, still work. I use it frequently and have years of poetic/philosophical/creative/deep….writings & things on it. Most of these writings are my own and some are the writings of others that I find fascinating & inspiring. I don’t remember who all the writers are or where to find the writings again. I just have it all saved onto my old phone.
While listening to the music, I accidentally hit my phone against a bar on my bed and the phone shut down and won’t come back on. So years of brilliance gone! Lol I have experienced things like this before, losing stuff I have written and can never get back but this is the worst one yet. I even have a few philosophical essays/writings I wrote in college that I saved off the university account (which I know longer have) onto that phone and have been so thankful to still have. Hundreds upon hundreds, probably thousands of files gone. Some I kept just for me to read but most I eventually planned to share, things I poured my “heart & soul” into and now wish I would have just shared it all already.
I was laying in bed thinking how this kills me & looking at my own Instagram account when I came across this post I recently shared. For a few seconds, especially while reading the tags I put on it, I felt soothed and inspired.
My “grief” comes in waves just like any other form of grief. This grief though is nowhere near the magnitude of grief experienced after the loss of a human or animal/nonhuman friend or family member/…… It’s beyond disappointing but I wouldn’t say I’m shattered or even devastated. Though I feel as if some sort of devastation may hit later.
I keep remembering specific things I lost like certain writings, e-books, and website links I don’t remember but looked at a lot. I just remember the content, not the names or links. More & more keep coming to me and automatically, I try to repress it so as not to remember more of what I lost. I feel that it’s like losing a big part of myself. It was like an electronic journal of sorts. So many of my experiences & reflections…gone.
When this happened before but not as much or good stuff lost, I fell into a depression for a while. Usually, things that happen in my environment don’t trigger a depressive episode/symptoms but sometimes they can. This morning I very briefly wondered if this would provoke some sort of depression in me.
This experience reminds me how much more evolved I am than some years ago. Years ago, I would have found this incident almost unbearable. I was way more attached. But now, though it’s way more than just a minor annoyance or disappointment, it’s not a catastrophe! And this experience also shows me how much more I still have to evolve. It’s not the end of the world but it’s still bad enough to me that I woke up with anxiety and still have anxiety off & on. I’m very disturbed and keep wishing it would come back on and bring all my stuff back to me.
So it’s a good thing to have this experience to inspire me to work even more to get better & better. Also, it’s a reminder of my lighthearted, easily amused nature! I have always been very easily amused and playful and even when severely depressed or grieving, I am able to sense my cheerful nature underneath it all.
Last night I searched Google in a desperate attempt to find any little bit of hope that my phone would somehow come back on. I couldn’t find any hope on the net but saw someone wrote “My blackberry z10 croaked today” and I burst out laughing. It gave me a belly laugh and when I was telling my mom, I could hardly talk!
Unpleasant things can bring out much pleasantness if we are open to it!❤
So this koan here that I shared on Insta. Shows us how if we just roll with it and go with the flow, just let the self dissolve into the situation, no matter how unpleasant or painful, we will become one with it til it’s no more. Just let it be. Tolerate it. Then accept it. Then welcome it. Then embrace it. It is what it is and it cannot be different. The tags that helped me the most when I saw my post are #shithappens & #suckitup. Just reading those, I found it so uplifting. It’s just so true. A little bit of “tough love” to lift the spirit!😆😊
If you are experiencing anything unpleasant (and also pleasant things!), no matter how serious or trivial, just remember to roll with it, baby! You got this!!
(Lol photo not mine!)
Much love & light,
Xoxo Kim
“There is success embedded in every failure.
Without gratitude, failure is nothing more than disappointment.
There is joy embedded in despair.
Without gratitude, despair is nothing more than a hole left unfilled.
There is hope embedded in tragedy. Without gratitude, tragedy is nothing more than loss of hope.
There is healing embedded in pain. Without gratitude, pain is simply unnecessary.
There is a new beginning embedded in every ending.
Without gratitude, endings are always final.”
Found this in a book by Kevin Clayson. FLIP the Gratitude Switch How empowering! I am naturally positive & optimistic but it’s definitely good to have reminders sometimes and work to strengthen that natural positive disposition!
In every situation we can experience, there is something to be thankful for. Even if the experience itself doesn’t seem to have a bright side, there is something good we can give thanks for in the midst of it or we can allow the terrible, or merely unpleasant, experience to inspire us to do good for others. For example, if we have a difficult disability or illness, or other painful experience, we can reach out to others in similar situations and be a source of comfort & light, as we know just what it’s like. If we lose someone to an illness or other tragedy, we can support organizations that promote awareness or treatment/cures/support….for those struggling with the illness or whatever it may be, & their family/friends. If we hear about a massacre in the news, we can make the decision to donate blood, platelets, power red….if we are eligible, not just for those in that massacre but for people in general who may need it(every 56 days we can donate BLOOD if we want & keep someone else ALIVE!).
(Redcrossblood.org)
Let horrific and other difficult things inspire us to act in love & gives thanks for the opportunities. 💗
We can bring positivity into a place where there seems to be none, even if just in our head. A shift in attitude.
The not so good experience can be something severe like chronic pain, depression, grief & loss or something seemingly small & trivial next to those things like a flat car tire, spilling something on our clothes, stuck in traffic…
At least it’s only a flat tire, not the engine broken, at least we have a car to have a flat tire, give thanks for the ability to get into a car & drive, at least we’re just stuck in traffic & not killed in traffic or in a collision…
This isn’t at all promoting giving thanks that it’s us still alive while someone else isn’t or being relieved that someone else is the unfortunate one. I will never promote that and I don’t believe Mr. Clayson is promoting that either. The point is simply to look at our own situation and see the good in it whatever else is going on. We can all do this. Being thankful for our own goodness isn’t going to hurt others and repressing gratitude out of guilt that we are better off than some, isn’t going to help them at all. So let’s give thanks!
An example I have, which is more on the trivial side but still sucks, is yesterday morning, one of my dogs (one who I take care of for someone, not one of the ones I live with), broke my phone! Oh rats! He’s a very wild boy, doesn’t always listen, & is very strong. He knocks me over when we’re playing! He wasn’t listening to me and he shattered the part of my phone that takes pictures! That’s the last part I want broken, as I love taking pics most days! Oh well.
But instantly, I thought, at least my phone still turns on, the apps still work, I still can take pics, all my info wasn’t lost, it’s so good to have a job working with animals (even when they destroy my stuff!), I’m not sick today…Instead of a stream of negative thoughts like how disappointing, now I have to spend money on a new phone, why couldn’t it have been a different part that broke…I chose to see the good in this situation and just the general good.
Then last night, he jumped into a big puddle, soaking my shoes & socks and wetting my pants. He was all soaked n jumped on me, rubbing his wet face & chest all off on my new hoodie. And the water he jumped in smelled like sour stuff because there was food all dissolved in it.
Of course, I laughed hysterically! It was very uncomfortable, physically but I got a good belly laugh out of it. And’s it’s adorable how he cleaned himself all off on my clothes. 😍 Again, I saw the light in this situation. Any of us can do this on any occasion!
It is important to keep in mind that no matter how unimportant/trivial the unpleasant experience is, this life philosophy applies to it. Each day, many/most/all of us experience minor stresses or annoyances like dropping something, encountering someone we would prefer not to, seeing a post on social media we don’t like,….if we practice FLIPing with these simple things, we will be more equip with skills to cope with more deeply disappointing or devastating things like illness, grief/loss, other more serious situations.
Sometimes it will be easier to see the bright side than others and occasionally, we may have to force it but it can be done even if we have to “fake it til we make it” sometimes. Keep practicing & making the choice to see the good and it will become easier & easier until it’s a way of life.
To keep choosing over & over throughout each day whenever something unpleasant happens, even something very small and trivial like our shoelace untying, all the way up to the horrific & tragic, like someone dying, to give thanks for what is still good, is life-altering, for the better.
Keep making that choice, no matter how difficult it may be, to FLIP that switch & shine light on the goodness! 💖
Much love & light to you, always! 💖
Xoxo Kim
Just for fun…..
If you could be any….
month/animal/car/food/color/household appliance/clothing/shoes/alcoholic beverage/song/character in novel
1.) Month -May – I would choose a month in Spring because Spring is the season of rebirth. It symbolizes hope and is so life affirming. I love the concept more than the season itself and Spring seems to be the most fragrant season, smelling of sweet flowers & grass. So lovely
2.) Animal – dog – dogs are often known for being cute, cuddly, friendly, & bestfriends – Who doesn’t want to be these things?!
3.) Food -Pizza- Pizza is loved by those of all ages, kids & adults alike! It’s simple and fun for parties and movie nights and just yummy! It seems like a fun food to be! And can be dressed up with various toppings!
4.) Color – green – Green, like Spring, is life affirming and I always loved it for that. It’s symbolic of growth & health. Just like Spring, I love the concept more than the color itself, though the color is pretty also.
5.) Household appliance- heater/heating system – They are warm and welcoming & comforting. Imagine being out in a bitter cold Winter night all blustery and the wind nipping at your skin then walking into a warm, cozy house or apartment or any building & the heat is just there waiting to wrap you in a warm, comforting embrace! I want to be that for others. ♡
6.) Clothing- bra – sexy and supportive, a great thing to be! lol 😉
7.) Alcoholic beverage- Bubblegum vodka because it’s sweet & playful…..like me! 😉
8.) Shoes- Stilettos because they’re sexy & confident
9.) Car – Purple lamborghini because they’re sexy, impressive, & expensive! Lol N I love the color purple! ♡ It’s an unusual and fun color for a car. I have seen one like this in person.
(Not my photo)
This thing costs a pretty penny! Over $200,000 – Holy guacamole, costs more than my house!
10.) Song – Sailing sung by Christopher Cross – It’s a song that deeply resonates with me, not just the words but the tune, his voice, everything, I don’t know exactly why – I just have this mysterious connection to it. I can imagine being this song, so light and beautiful, deep
“Sailing takes me away to where I’ve always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
And soon I will be free
Fantasy, it gets the best of me
When I’m sailing
All caught up in the reverie, every word is a symphony” ♡
Song gives me chills!
11.) Character in a novel- Alex – Alex is a character in a beautiful novel called My Grandfather’s Eyes. She’s a kind of psycho and tried to kill her husband just because she did not want to be married to him anymore. She also fantasized about killing a girl just because the girl annoyed her. She has psychopathic traits but there are three people she loves unconditionally, the only three people she has ever loved, her grandfather (she has his eyes) & her best friend, Lizzy, who she is romantically in love with and has been since they were kids(but Lizzy is a straight girl). She also loves her self.
When I started reading the book I was repulsed by Alex but then I came to love her. She’s not a very lovable character and it’s easy to judge her negatively but I came to see beauty in her. She has a deformity on her face that people are shocked by and stare at her. Kids made fun of her as a child. But Alex always refused to get cosmetic surgery. She loves herself just the way she is. I read so many books with compassionate, loving, kind characters who are so easy to love but I chose Alex, the psycho. Lol Of course I don’t actually want to be her for real but it’s a fun thought experiment.
Here is what Alex says about herself:
“In the mirror, I see a woman sitting bolt upright in her chair, with her handbag on her lap. She has long mousy hair, parted in the middle, her scalp white in the harsh fluorescent light. There is a large, dark mass spreading across the side of her face. I think her elegantly middle-aged, sensuously beautiful. I cannot identify with her. I see her smile, first with her eyes, which remain young, and then with the whole of her face. We fuse together, and I feel an energy building inside me, so that my reflection seems to disturb the air in the room, like a breeze across the surface of a lake. It is a lake I have visited many times in my dreams. We are luminous and powerful.”
I’m in love with this! How beautiful! She doesn’t care about her age or her deformity across her face, or what others think of her. To her, she is beautiful and that’s all that matters! ♡ It’s rare to meet a woman like this in reality, a woman so in love with her own imperfections, deformities, scars, her own face, her own body, a girl who doesn’t care about her age or what others think about her flaws. Perfect!
So here are my answers! If you want, take the survey and I’ll check it out, either on your own blog or right here in the comments!
Also, this may be a bit random but there’s an adorable golden retriever girl I take care of and her brother. Dalia & Trigo. ♡ They were rescued and adopted out of a golden retriever rescue organization. I have been taking care of them for almost a year. They are the most calm, gentle, balanced dogs I have ever met. And two of the sweetest, most loving. I can feel the loving energy just radiating whenever I’m near them. In the almost year I have known them, I never once heard them bark. I knew they probably bark sometimes when their mommy & daddy are with them but couldn’t imagine it. Today on our walk, Dalia just started barking with this loud, deep bark! Lol I havent a clue what she was barking at. I was so amazed and find it so adorable! Little things like that just make me laugh & smile. So I find it worth mentioning here since it’s something I think is important and cute. ♡ The simplest things just brighten my day! 😀
♡♡♡♡♡ I love these sweet babies. Such beauties.
Much love & light to you, always! I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ♡
Xoxo Kim
“With devotion and trust, we will bring the Buddha’s love into our hearts, and from there we expand it gradually until it embraces infinite beings. The idea is similar to sunbathing. As our body absorbs the sun’s heat, it becomes warm and gradually emanates that warmth into our surroundings. In the same way, through devotion and trust in the Buddha, we immerse our mind in his unconditional love, which we then radiate to those around us.” ♡
How beautiful! When our head is filled with love, kindness, light, compassion, joy, happiness, gratitude…it radiates positive energy/vibrations to everyone & everything around us. And when our head is filled with anger, vengeful intentions, jealousy….that’s the energy that goes out to everyone. What kind of energy/vibrations do we want to be sending out into the uni-verse? Not that toxic energy, hopefully! So let’s choose positivity!
Think about things to be thankful for, take a deep breath (if we can, if we have breathing difficulties/allergies, this can be difficult so just take whatever breath we can!) and let trivial things slide even if we’re annoyed or angry, let other people’s happiness & success inspire & motivate us instead of feeling jealous, surround our selves with pleasant colors & things that resonate with us, reading uplifting books & quotes, listen to happy songs, be kind even when we may not feel very kind, smile at strangers and make eye contact, hold our tongue if we have the urge to lash out, save insects, share food with stray animals, reach out and touch someone’s hand, give someone, human or animal, a hug/kiss, do good even if it’s not known or appreciated by others….and let Love prevail.
There’s a Buddhist song I love, Law of Karma, and the man sings “Avoid the bad, do only good.”
Listen here:
So beautiful & inspiring! Whether or not we believe in karma, it’s a beautiful concept to do good as much as we can and avoid the bad. It will surely contribute to happiness in this life. I’m so inspired when I hear him sing “Do only good.” Not mostly good. Only good.
Imagine how much Light we will be filled with and radiate, when all that we do is done in love. Just imagine! It won’t always be easy and we may not succeed right away but it’s an incredible goal to have and to work on. Do as much good as we can, be as loving as possible and eventually we will do only good and be as infinitely & deeply loving as the Buddha! ♡
I’m wishing you much love & light today & always! ♡♡♡ Hugs to you!
Xoxo Kim
“There’s going to be days when you don’t want to be here anymore. You just STAY. You fucking stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice — I promise. I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you.” ♡
This quote is attributed to Erin Van Vuren. I don’t know if that’s correct. She seems to curse a lot in her quotes! Lol Maybe some people think profanity is a good way to express passion more strongly? Anyway, this quote (and the beautiful heart!) is a great reminder to anyone struggling with suicidal tendencies or depressive illness.
That’s why I chose this heart. It’s a beautiful reminder. When things get too difficult, painful, scary, confusing, dull, numb, or whatever, stay.
Stay.
If you are contemplating if you should stay or go, please stay!
Much love & light to you, always! I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are! ♡♡♡
Xoxo Kim
