Tag Archive | gratitude

Always look on the bright side of life😁🌞💛

Jun21

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle and this’ll help things turn out for the best
And…
Always look on the bright side of life

Bright Side of Life (song)

Sometimes, I share posts on facebook with heartwarming stories about animals who were abused/severely injured and left to die but were suddenly rescued by Earth angels and saved then forstered & adopted! How beautiful! Whenever I share a post like this, theres almost always someone who comments or reacts with the crying face emoji.

This doesnt resonate with me because im prone to seeing the bright side of things, not always but usually. I have a natural inclination to see the good and I have strengthened that natural inclination with personal development techniques like meditation and intentional gratitude practice. I definitely still have room to evolve!

Instead of crying about the dogs being abused & injured, abandoned, neglected…why not rejoice in the fact that they are now healed and have loving furever homes? Of course it’s sad, devastating, that those poor babies had to suffer like that. But we have a choice to focus on that or focus on the happy ending.

This goes for everything in this life. We can dwell on the pain, negativity, unpleasant or give thanks for the good, the beauty, the pleasant.

This is a great reminder to me even though I’m generally positive. Recently, I let myself sink into a deep, dark, depression because of something I wish was different. Depression is an illness but we do have some degree of control over certain aspects. Through the years, I have learned how to often prevent a fullblown episode of depression before it hits, when I can feel it about to come on.

If I would have made the choice to not dwell on this thing I wish was different and instead give thanks for everything that is good and all the life lessons learned through the “bad,” there’s a good chance, I would have prevented the hell I was living in for over a month. After it already pulled me in, there was no getting out of it until it finally ended, gradually, on its own. I already receive professional help but still struggle with it on and off.

So it’s especially important for me to remember to look on the bright side of life!

And, I want to share this screen capture of a photo of this beautiful girl! She was on an episode of The Ellen Show. I remember her expressing compassion for people with any sort of struggle such as job less. She said we’re all in this together. This is a woman who lost her toddler son in a tragic accident. She LOST HER SON! He died. Like, he’s never coming back. He was laughing and playing one second and a second later, he was gone forever. And she can still smile like this. And express compassion for others who have experienced nothing near as horrific as what she has experienced & still experiences after such a significant loss. Awe-inspiring.

A sweet reminder to us all!

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim❤

It’s a confession session!!😁

Jun13

“You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright”

Making love out of nothing – air supply

I wrote this like three weeks ago(??) but just posting it now. I have been in the throes of a deep, dark depression. It really had a firm hold on me. This is the longest & worst one in years. It’s like something crushing my whole body. My head felt like a pancake. Like something so heavy, flattening it. These episodes used to last for months then began only lasting a couple weeks. This one is over a month now and so intense. I have not been handling this as well as I usually handle them. Also if you read this post, you will see I mention a friend who is no longer my friend. Maybe we are still friends but it’s not like it used to be. I have been struggling with this grief. Not grief like when someone dies but a kind of grief for something that isn’t the same anymore. Thank you for the sweet comments!! I will get back to you. My head has been so heavy, I was hardly able to see straight. There are so many things to be happy about and I am and still genuinely laugh & smile but underneath it all, there was this emptiness, loneliness, sorrow, pain, this purposelessness. This Sickness crushing my existence. It’s extremely rare for me to say/think negative things about myself even when im depressed. But with this depression, I have been. I felt like this episode was trying to end but then something kept pulling me back into it. It’s like quicksand pulling me and the more I struggled, the deeper it pulled me in. But at least it’s not my physical pain disorder acting up(it does off & on but nothing very serious recently), which is worse than this in a way.

Two days ago was the first full day in forty days that I had no suicidal thoughts/urges/contemplation. It was gray outside & rainy but I felt like the sun was shining on me non stop all day & night. I couldnt stop smiling.

I am generally very happy but with recurring episodes of severe depression, usually for no reason.

It seems I am coming out of this depression now. It started to lift but I can still feel the aftermath of it. Like if you have ever had a bad cold or influenza and it’s over or about to be you can still feel the effects of it. I have been hit hard. After over a month of thick, heavy layers upon layers of nearly debilitating depression, my body has some healing to do. But my sense of self is stronger again. It feels like if Im not careful, it can pull me back in as Im not completely healed yet. So I have to be mindful of it for a while and be especially careful of triggers. This thing is just like any physical illness that can flare up. No matter what anyone says or believes about it, I am convinced it’s a disease. I know what it does to me, not just my mood and thought process but my physical body as well. It is a disease. But I still have the ability to make choices that can help it.

This post is long so I want to add more pics so here is one of me on June 5th, I think. I was happy to be in a park on a sunny & breezy day with my best friend furever (my dog[actually she isnt mine but i love her the same]).

So here is my post(written three weeks ago).

Ok, so I have a confession! Very awkward lol

I have been severely depressed & suicidal since May 3, 2018. It’s bad. It was triggered by an external factor (not like some big incident, just someone who was my good friend for many years and my closest friend is not my friend anymore [he replaced me with someone else; it happened gradually over the last few months and the depression hit me hard that day & is ongoing- it’s not his fault Im suicidal & depressed though as no one but me is responsible for my happiness]and now I have no one and it has completely devastated my whole life) and now just took on a life of its own. Two of the most annoying symptoms are, nothing has any flavor and I cant concentrate on anything. Also, forget about sleeping! There is this devastating sense of complete worthlessness & lack of purpose. Like theres no reason for me to be here in this world and im stuck here and no matter what I do, there is no point and like it will always be this way. My existence is totally worthless. Often when a depressive episode hits, I can tell myself it’s just an illness lying to me, not really that Im worthless but with this one, it’s hard. It seems like it’s not really an illness afflicting me but true pointlessness/worthlessness. There is external evidence. And on top of it, I cant taste anything. Everything is so bland. It’s like everything is covered with something.

Certain songs still inspire me and bring some sense of life into the numbness like the song sung by Air Supply Im sharing here. But everything else is blah. Im sharing this song because it deeply inspires me. It seems like a sad breakup song but just look at those lyrics!

“Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost
And it’s looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I’ve gotta follow it“

Isn’t this so beautiful? This person is a light for someone else even in his/her own pain and even when they are no longer together.

The man is singing to someone who has experienced great pain and can take the darkness & use it to become light. He is inspired even though this person seems to have left him. How incredibly beautiful & deeply inspiring!

Everything has become a hassle. I struggle to do simple, mundane things like walking. It’s taking the life right out of me.

And I have lost much of my sense of self. I have also been experiencing anger, which is not typical of me even when I’m depressed. But now Im walking around harboring anger, some occasions more than others. It’s not even really directed at anyone or anything specifically but does tend to show in my interactions with people. Im not unhappy with my whole life in general; it was one thing and like I said, now became a thing of its own and so Im taking it out on everything and not thankful for anything good I have. It’s not fury, just ordinary anger. I dont know what to do because there isn’t anything specifically I want to change necesarily. It’s just everywhere I go, I am surrounded in darkness & crushed by some invisible thing. Im in a different world than everyone else. This is not my choice and not merely a bad mood.

All of my passion is gone. I used to love walking, working, being out & about, now it’s all just an obligation that I have to force myself to do. I know my love for it is still here somewhere and can feel it but it’s now dormant. Even my dogs sense something wrong with me and try to make me better. And I push them away. So they try harder. It’s funny & cute.

It is possible to be very depressed and still have a positive attitude about it. And usually I do. But with this one, I have the absolute WORST attitude about it. I choose to. I’m making a choice in each moment to approach this battle with a lousy attitude. Lol At least im admitting it!

I’m so done with this life. Im not even waiting for this episode to end because I really dont think it’s going to.

My mom wants me to go to a hospital but I’m not.

I am still my very easily amused self though! That hasnt changed at all. I still have genuine belly laughs everyday! And my smile is sincere. Even though Im deeply depressed, I am not miserable or gloomy or bitter. Some people think when depressed people smile, joke, or laugh, it’s a coverup to hide the pain. But im not trying to hide anything. If I was, then I wouldnt be posting this. I am just naturally lighthearted & cheerful even when my whole body is heavy with depression. Not all of us are fakes. Depressed people can still smile & laugh & love for real.

I must admit that I still have things to be joyful about and they do bring me joy but even that true joy doesnt make me want to live. I still savor the moments of simple joy. Each occasion Im with a furball, a cool breeze on a hot day, all the Spring flowers (I sometimes stop to inhale the scents, so beautiful), a belly laugh, saying hello to a friendly stranger…it’s not the same though, with depression.

As bad as this depression is, one of the worst I have ever experienced, for sure, it is not the worst thing I ever felt. Grief and cluster-like headaches are worse (at least to me) even though grief & loss and those physical headaches dont usually contribute to me wanting to die and this severe depression does. Interesting right?! This somewhat lesser pain gets me wanting to die more than more severe pain. It’s a different kind of pain though. It doesnt always have to do with severity level but the kind it is.

This depression sucks but sure is better than those headaches! At this moment, I would choose this over those devastating, horrifying headaches.

I recently came across some things that surprised and amused and inspired me.

I found this one during a very difficult struggle last week, I think(I have no sense of time anymore), walking up the street in the rain. I was desperate for anything to ease my mind and right then, I saw a fortune cookie, broken, on the ground. I picked up the pieces and read the fortune before eating the cookie! Lol jk I did read the fortune but did not eat the cookie!

I laughed out loud because it’s so coincidental and perfect for my situation. It’s true that people want us to succeed, even strangers! People are always stopping to help others and sending gifts to those in need in the midst of tragedies, donating blood and money and other things. Anyway, it doesnt matter if people are rooting for us or not but the thing is, they are!

One day, I was in a car thinking about killing myself just as I looked over and saw this. Lol

I was at a subway recently (not to kill myself but for a different reason) and it was on my mind and then I saw this. Im not calling the number but I love the message. ❤

I told my mom and she is 100% convinced they are some sort of supernatural “signs” that I should stay in the world. I dont believe in signs like that at all. To me, they are coincidences. But I was still happy to see them.

My mom was angry at me because she was talking to me and I got angry and started saying negative things. She recently called my friend, the one who replaced me, a rude word, only to me, not to his face, and then later while talking to me again about something else, I brought it up and said it was rude of her to call him that and that she probably thinks it of me also. And my sister was also angry at me because she was concerned about me (i was out late one night without my phone n she thought I got murdered and i had like 20 annoying messages)and I told her to fuck off. She then told me to go fuck my self. Lol I was amused when she said it to me. My mom said we have terrible language. I rarely talk like this! Im posting this so people can see the truth, that im not sweet, kind, and beautiful like people seem to think. Im not constantly angry and rude or snippy like this, more often I’m not. I still smile at strangers and say hello and want to help people in need. So it’s not that im like a horrible monster or psycho. But im also not beautiful and pleasant like im often mistaken for.

It feels that something has invaded me, invaded my body, my existence, my whole life. A dark, heavy cloud or quilt just hangs over me everywhere I go. It weighs on me physically. I have felt the life force drained right out of me and dont know that I will ever get it back. I dont know that I will ever be the happy girl I was. This is my life now. This isnt a usual episode of suicidal depression that I have occasionally. Those are nothing new. They come and go and Im generally happy. This thing is worse. This one has ruined me.

My body has never been so sick. It’s like each part of me weighs 1000 pounds. It feels like my body is producing extra blood and making me extra heavy and hard to move. My ass drags. Lol Im not trying to be funny but I did just make myself laugh with that.

“Now maybe someday the suns gonna shine
Flowers will bloom and all will be fine
But nothing’ll grow on this burnt cursed ground
‘Cause the breath of the death is the only sound“

A strange thing is, somehow, deep inside, I have have this suspicion. I suspect that I can & will get better, that I can be that girl again. The happy girl, full of life, passion. It’s just this faint inkling deep within that I really do have what it takes to get back to myself, to not live in darkness, in pain, in emptinenss. I know it’s my responsibility to get better. But I dont care to embrace that small spark of hope. I dont have the motivation, the strength to hope or try to fix. I have this angry tenacity that wants to extinguish that speck of hope, that glimpse of Knowing. I want to drown it and just disappear forever. But I can feel it here.

(Me today)

Fun fact: I dont care what I look like anymore (I was never overly concerned even when Im not depressed – I go out in pjs sometimes and with no makeup n ratty hair!😁) or what clothes I wear. (This surely isnt the fun part!) Getting a shower & dressed in the morning is just a big hassle. But it has to be done, right? So heres the fun part! I just reached into my clothes to pull out any random shirt and the one I happened to get is my one & only suicide prevention/HOPE shirt! Lol So I wore it n walked around all day feeling like a hypocrite.

Here is me recently in my “STAY” shirt! A while ago, over a year ago, I was in a depressive state and wondering if I should stay or go and was actually thinking those exact words when I looked up and saw a heart painted on a wall with the word “STAY” just like this one. I was inspired & found it heartwarming and love the heart! It inspired me so much & I carried it with me then coincidentally, a while later, I actually met the girl who put it there, in person! Amazing! I told her how much her work inspires me, especially the STAY heart and as a gift, she have me this shirt, a pin, & a print all with this heart!❤

And one last thing, on a more positive note, I totally conquered my debilitating fear being on an elevator alone! I did!! I even fulfilled my dream! Lol Usually we probably think of big things like educations and jobs and stuff when we hear/read about dreams being fulfilled. This one is simple but to me it was very important. There is one elevator that really scared me more than the rest, just looking at it. And it’s very slow. I truly believed I would never ever be able to get onto that one alone, even after recovery. Somehow I recovered enough to get onto that one alone! Without any fear!! Holy guacamole! Lol🤣😂😙

So, to sum it all up: im depressed & suicidal and often in complete despair and have been for like nearly a month and it’s not necessarily that I dont think it can get better but just that I dont even have the motivation or strength to try to get better. It takes everything out of me. Usually, I just let them run their course and they get better on their own along with my positive attitude and personal development techniques that help them along. But Im just about sure this one isnt going anywhere on its own and on top of it, my attitude about it sucks and im doing nothing to help it. Ultimately, it’s up to me to get myself better. It doesnt feel like it can or will ever get better but some part of me Knows it can. I dont know if it’s even worth it to keep going or try anything to help me.

(Lol I see this on a wall everyday & it resonates with me in my depression.)

It’s like im so worthless it’s not worth keeping me alive. This is true. I really dont know if I am going to win this battle with this one.

I know it’s my choice though and that this is no one’s fault or responsibility but my own. I dont know if I will muster the strength to win this battle. I really may not survive this one like I always do. I don’t see a point in me surviving & keep not wanting to even if it can get better. I keep wanting everything to end, good & bad alike. This is very, very bad. This one is kicking my ass good!!

This is an awkward post, right?! But it’s real and it’s good to post the good & the bad (if we dont mind sharing!) so people can see we arent all one or the other. And my main reason for posting this is in case it can help someone else in any way. It may help to read about someone else’s experience & these sweet messages here!

(Lol! Ok. When I saw this “hang in there you pussy,” it really made me want to hang on if even just a little bit longer. I laughed myself to sleep, genuinely amused. It may be a bit inappropriate but definitely lightens my mood. A suicide prevention person shared it. Kind of appalling to call us pussies while advocating suicide prevention [like wth?] but still funny.)

Just so everyone knows, I am not in any way dangerous to anyone else at all. I only want myself to die and if I ever do choose to go, it will be a way that will not in any way hurt or interfere with anyone else. No matter how low I sink, I never want to hurt/kill anyone else, physically or psychologically(so I wont kill myself in public with anyone around or any way that involves or potentially involves others like in traffic/train/jumping). If there is even the slightest chance anyone else (human, animal, or insect) can be hurt physically or suffer psychological damage of witnessing the act or being involved in any way, I will not choose that method. I prefer to live in agony than hurt others. I have absolutely no desire to hurt/kill/traumatize anyone and also I know it’s wrong morally &/or legally. Even when I sink to the lowest depth of my despair(like lately), I still have my wit about me enough to know it is wrong to hurt others. I love everyone!! I won’t hurt you!!❤ I’m responsible. I am not homicidal and not a psycho and have no urge to go on a rampage. Never have. I want my own pain & worthlessness to end. That is all. And I am not going to “snap” & go on a killing spree. There is no such thing as “snapping.” That is a myth. I cherish/value all life, just not my own now. Most of us aren’t a threat to others but we still have people who think we are.

I wish you, anyone who may be reading this, the best and hope you are surrounded in love & light & beauty. If you’re struggling hard like I am, then as you can see, you arent alone in the struggle. I am here. (Not for long hopefully, lol jk) Much love & light, always…

P.s. June 13, 2018 – I dont mind having this disease. I like what it teaches/reminds me and how it deepens my empathy and how it strengthens me after weakening me. And I just love so very much, the feeling of it lifting. It’s like a whole new world. It is totally worth living in deep, oppressive darkness for weeks or months just for the few days of the feeling of it lifting. What a gift!! So beautiful. Depression is not my enemy. It’s my teacher, my disease, my gift, part of me and I embrace it. Of course it’s easier to say this when I’m not in the midst of it. I wasn’t always able to say this but now I can. Also, if this post is full of spelling or any other errors, I wasn’t in my right mind when I wrote most of it. Lol Maybe I’m going to survive this battle after all?

xoxo Kim ❤

Dream.❤

May12

“I had a dream; I had an awesome dream
People in the park playing games in the dark
And what they played was a masquerade
And from behind the walls of doubt a voice was crying out
Say you, say me
Say it for always
That’s the way it should be
Say you, say me, say it together
Naturally”❤

Say You, Say Me – Lionel Richie

May 11th, 2018

I had a dream last night while I slept. We were all running through a park, late at night, in the darkness, playing, all adults. It was almost like a game of hiding seek or a game of tag. It was beautiful and comforting in some way but there was a kind of loneliness & longing throughout. We were all running after each other, trying to find and catch each other and most of us were strangers to each other. There was a sense of child-like joy and we were laughing. It was hard to see in the dark and there were so many people. There was one person I really wanted to find. More than anyone else, she’s the one. I knew she was there but couldnt find her. I ran through the darkness and the crowds of people, my sense of longing increasing with every step. Stumbling through the dark, reaching for her, finally, I found her. We came face to face and she embraced me. Not in a physical hug but in warm, welcoming, loving energy and a beautiful smile. She welcomed me completely. She accepted me and was happy to see me. My whole being was overcome in awe of her beauty. I lost her again. In all the darkness and strangers and trees and paths. Again, I ran to find her. It was like running through a maze of people and trees and darkness. Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of her but couldnt reach and every now and again, we would come face to face. She would always welcome me. It was always beautiful and always brief. Then I would lose her again. I felt her near but just couldnt reach her. But on those occasions I did, there was so much love, so much joy, so much beauty before the darkness and crowds and trees took her away again. And somehow it was enough even though it wasnt. Those brief moments we encountered and embraced were so full of love that they are enough. Even with the pain, theres so much love. Even with longing and sadness and loneliness, there can still be joy and laughter and gratitude. I woke up this morning with a greater sense of love than longing. I woke up in awe. And this song played in my head.

I love dreams & especially ones that seem to have a deep purpose. This dream was two nights ago and soon I may post about one I had last night, another very healing one.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim ❤

It actually freaking happened!!!!

Feb10

(Not my photo)

I wrote this a few days ago and lost the courage to post it lol

Ahhh, fuck me, it finally happened!

Is someone kidding me or what?!

If you read my post here, you’re not going to believe this but it happened!

I GOT STUCK ON AN ELEVATOR BY MYSELF!!!! lol I promise I’m not joking.

(I would probably be too terrified to joke about that! 😲😨😱😭😢)

I’m really amused. I’m just laughing at the irony. It reminds me of the Alanis Morrissette song ‘cept my ironic predicament isn’t nearly as grave.

“Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
‘Well isn’t this nice…‘
And isn’t it ironic… Don’t you think“

Alanis Morissette – Ironic

Somehow, somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt safe. As terrified as I was about getting trapped on an elevator by myself, some part of me believed with everything I have in me, that since I’m so scared of being trapped in one, it’s not going to happen. (This probably isn’t a statistically correct way of reasoning) What are the chances, right?!

Wrong!! It’s like the uni-verse got a consciousness and decided to play some cruel joke on me. Some twisted, sicko, psycho joke.

Tuesday, for work, I had to go to Center City, Philadelphia to visit this cutie:

When I got onto an elevator and the doors closed, I did what I really shouldn’t do and watched the digital floor numbers. When I watch, it feels like an eternity before they change. Just like waiting for food in an oven to be complete. Keep checking and it’s not getting done. Lol It just feels that way.

So anyway, I got on an elevator on the 4th floor, the doors closed, I watched the 4 and it was taking way too long to change and I told myself it’s just the usual thing where because I’m watching and waiting, it seems like forever. But no. Five seconds later, 10, 20, a minute (!!!!!) later and elevator is not moving and the red 4 is just there. Wwhhhaaattt?!?! And I’m waiting for panic to settle in.

But it doesn’t. I feel calm as can be. Wwhhhaaattt?!?! Me, stuck inside an elevator by myself and just a little tinge of anxiety?!?!

My heart began beating a little bit faster and my hands were a bit trembly but no panic or intense fear.

I pushed the “call” button and “alarm” button and they wouldn’t do 💩. The call button made a brief ringing noise but no one answered. I kept pushing them alternately, call, alarm, call, alarm. The alarm did nothing at all and call kept ringing with no answer. One thing I found comforting was the fact that I heard the janitor through the elevator doors. So I started knocking loudly on the doors and yelling “excuse me!” But no one answered me.

Then the elevator started calling out floor numbers and its voice started becoming jumbled and it was quickly calling out numbers that weren’t showing on the screen and the voice was speeding up. Then the elevator started going up instead of down, which was what I was trying to do, go down to the lobby.

Then a new fear crept in. The elevator seemed to be going berserk and I wondered if it was going to drop & crash and crush me to death or something. So this is my death day, for a second I was really wondering.

When it got to the 10th floor, it finally opened!!! And there was a kind young man holding an adorable golden puppy in his arms. I got off the elevator and explained what happened and told him he may not want to get on that one since it was just malfunctioning.

He thanked me and expressed empathy and told me it must have been scary. He had no idea! Probably a bit scary for anyone but a girl with the phobic fear I struggle with!? Since he seemed so warm & understanding, I told him about my immense fear and how I worked on myself, including professional therapy, to heal the fear, and he was so understanding! So here I was spilling my guts to a complete stranger in a hallway. And he listened so well. Im so touched!❤

I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown. Not because I felt like I was going to. I actually did not feel that way. But because I’m me and that’s what I do at the mere thought of being trapped in an elevator alone, break down. Lol

But I’m still standing!

It hit me harder when I got home at night. Still no panic or breakdowns but fear & anger. Im not sure what Im angry at but it’s just so bizarre and twisted that my worst nightmare actually came true. Law of attraction much? Lol

I’m so freaked out and don’t know what to make of it.

And I’m not completely sure why I did not panic while in the elevator or after it was all over. Looks like all my personal development work really paid off! I wasn’t sure if I was just shocked and too numb to feel fullblown fear but even later after it was all over and the shock wore off, I still wasn’t a wreck.

But right now thinking about being stuck in an elevator, I can’t imagine not panicking. It seems scarier in my head than it is in reality.

I used to hurt myself impulsively if I thought I was going to be stuck in an elevator. I would be so overcome in terror, I would go into a panic and scratch myself with my fingernails until my skin would bleed or I would just squeeze part of my body really hard, like not on purpose but just automatically. I even did this recently on an elevator but Tuesday I did not hurt myself at all or even think about it or have an urge to.

For as long as I can remember, I have recurring nightmares, off and on, about being trapped on an elevator by myself or just having to go on one and being terrified. When I was recently stuck in one, when I first realized it was happening, it felt like I was reliving one of my nightmares that happen when I sleep. That feeling only occurred at first then wore off.

So nightmares really do come true! 😉

Isn’t it ironic?

A little too ironic. 😃

And reading this, it may seem that I was in there a long while but it was really less than five minutes. I felt more like it was an inconvenience than a terrifying experience.

Hugs to everyone who wants any!

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim ❤

My current gratitude list❤

Jan1

(Scout! Just after midnight this morning😻)

1.) Im thankful for my job & that i got to spend the whole night last night, into the morning with a sweet, adorable, funny, beautiful girl named Scout!
2.) Im thankful i stayed in a place last night where the walls are paper thin n i got to hear a big, loud party going on next door with lots of joyous laughter, yelling, singing, stuff being banged around….& a bunch of drunk people singing “Sweet Home Alabama” and yelling other drunken things. So funny! I kept falling asleep and waking up to it all night long into the morning. I dont mind people being loud all night and actually like it. It brought me joy all night/morning to hear the joy of others! I couldn’t see it but have a very vivid imagination & all the noise I heard conjured up all these funny images in my head making me laugh out loud! Scout wasn’t as thrilled and was barking at them through the walls! Lol
3.) Thankful my pain disorder hasn’t been acting up. It’s generally not bad at all but tends to flare up now & again to seemingly unbearably levels. Last year in February, I suffered four of the most devastating, difficult days I ever experienced and the worst cluster of this life of mine. Almost a year later and i haven’t felt it that bad since then!
4.) Thankful Scout slept all cuddled with me last night
5.) Thankful for hot caramel lattes!
6.) For life itself
7.) My ability to turn my neck, walk move, my senses…
8.) Winter – My favorite season!
9.) Buddha’s teachings
10.) All of the people & animals I get to know & meet for my work

Im going to post this on Instagram later too with a pic of me! I have to wait til my hair dries and try to get a good picture lol I haven’t taken a picture of myself in so long it seems!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are and thinking of all the things you have to give thanks for!❤

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim

Gratitude List

Dec16

This is a gratitude list for a specific topic, outside/public things that are extremely helpful to me. Much of my job takes place outside so in the last year I have become especially aware of & thankful for these things. A year ago in December, I was offered a job as a petsitter, which I love and my boss said I do a great job! So thankful! Most of it is dogwalking, which takes place outdoors, of course. So here are a few things I find incredibly helpful:

Parks – especially ones that dogs are allowed in & especially when the parks have public doggy bag dispensers. They are beautiful places to walk through and are grassy so dogs like to go potty while there (I always clean up the, 💩 of course! I have all these cute little doggy bags & dispensers!) If ever I have breaks, I love to sit in parks and read and take in the beautiful surroundings.

Benches – It’s so good to have a place outside to sit during breaks or when I’m injured, just to get a rest. I sometimes suffer walking related injuries when I don’t wear appropriate walking shoes and a bench to take a rest is so very helpful!!

Trashcans – Probably the number one most helpful thing on my list. I’m frequently in need of trashcans! Mostly to throw used doggy bags away. Sometimes I have doggy bags full of cat litter when I’m petsitting a cat or hay/litter if I visit a bunny or guinea pig. We don’t throw trash/animal waste away in clients’ houses so must find a place to throw it outside. I don’t throw stuff in people’s trashcans outside so I’m very, very thankful for public ones such as the one in the pic above. Also, I’m frequently eating snacks and drinking iced tea or hot tea/coffee/cocoa/lattes…while out walking to my next visits and have to carry the trash with me when I can’t find a can. We need more trashcans!! There really needs to be a public trashcan on every street corner!!

Buttons on busses – I walk mostly but take public transportation often and sometimes the busses are so crowded there’s no available seats and it’s hard to pull the string, to let the driver know to stop the bus at the next stop, without hitting someone accidentally and it’s awkward reaching over strangers to pull the string and I’m shy so dont like to ask anyone to pull it for me. The buttons on the bars have the same function, to ring, and let the driver know to stop. I dont have to reach over or bang into anyone, pressing the buttons, so what a great invention!!

Traffic lights – It is unbelievably hard to cross streets with lots of traffic and no lights. The drivers in cars rarely stop to let those of us walking, cross. Once in a while, a kind person will care to stop and let us go but mostly they are extremely impatient and couldn’t care less how long we have to wait, even in heavy rain and freezing cold weather or with a dog or baby or anything, and probably wouldn’t even mind running someone over if they were able to get away with it. So traffic lights help so much! There needs to be more! I only cross with dogs where there’s lights or very little traffic. I have to keep my babies safe!❤

Street art – It’s so fun & inspiring to see all the beautiful messages/images while out & about!

Doggy bag dispensers – can never have enough doggy bags! So, so helpful to have them in parks.

Napkins/plastic spoons/forks – free ones in cafes/grocery stores….Like I said, Im often eating. Lol I dont carry eating utensils around with me so it’s helpful to have them when I buy stuff that requires a fork or spoon.

Free apps/notifications for transportation – occasionally I get popup messages on my phone letting me know how many minutes the next bus will be at the busstop I’m near. Very helpful!

Earth angels – So many beautiful souls out & about who stop to offer help to those in need or just to say hello!❤

These are all things that make my little corner of the world so much better!! I would love to invite everyone to think about the overlooked things each day that really are so very helpful. Acknowledging them and giving thanks, even if just in our head, makes this life even more beautiful! ❤

Thank you to everyone who has put thought, energy, & time into these things to help others! What beautiful acts of kindness!!💙

Can you think of anything frequently overlooked or seemingly simple but extremely helpful? There must be lots more!

And thank you to everyone who has been liking my posts & commenting! I greatly appreciate it! I havent been on wordpress for a while then recently just been posting my own and not reading any other blogs but will soon! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!❤

Much love to you!

Xoxo Kim

FLIP the gratitude switch

Nov20

“There is success embedded in every failure.
Without gratitude, failure is nothing more than disappointment.
There is joy embedded in despair.
Without gratitude, despair is nothing more than a hole left unfilled.
There is hope embedded in tragedy. Without gratitude, tragedy is nothing more than loss of hope.
There is healing embedded in pain. Without gratitude, pain is simply unnecessary.
There is a new beginning embedded in every ending.
Without gratitude, endings are always final.”

Found this in a book by Kevin Clayson. FLIP the Gratitude Switch How empowering! I am naturally positive & optimistic but it’s definitely good to have reminders sometimes and work to strengthen that natural positive disposition!

In every situation we can experience, there is something to be thankful for. Even if the experience itself doesn’t seem to have a bright side, there is something good we can give thanks for in the midst of it or we can allow the terrible, or merely unpleasant, experience to inspire us to do good for others. For example, if we have a difficult disability or illness, or other painful experience, we can reach out to others in similar situations and be a source of comfort & light, as we know just what it’s like. If we lose someone to an illness or other tragedy, we can support organizations that promote awareness or treatment/cures/support….for those struggling with the illness or whatever it may be, & their family/friends. If we hear about a massacre in the news, we can make the decision to donate blood, platelets, power red….if we are eligible, not just for those in that massacre but for people in general who may need it(every 56 days we can donate BLOOD if we want & keep someone else ALIVE!).

(Redcrossblood.org)

Let horrific and other difficult things inspire us to act in love & gives thanks for the opportunities. 💗

We can bring positivity into a place where there seems to be none, even if just in our head. A shift in attitude.

The not so good experience can be something severe like chronic pain, depression, grief & loss or something seemingly small & trivial next to those things like a flat car tire, spilling something on our clothes, stuck in traffic…

At least it’s only a flat tire, not the engine broken, at least we have a car to have a flat tire, give thanks for the ability to get into a car & drive, at least we’re just stuck in traffic & not killed in traffic or in a collision…

This isn’t at all promoting giving thanks that it’s us still alive while someone else isn’t or being relieved that someone else is the unfortunate one. I will never promote that and I don’t believe Mr. Clayson is promoting that either. The point is simply to look at our own situation and see the good in it whatever else is going on. We can all do this. Being thankful for our own goodness isn’t going to hurt others and repressing gratitude out of guilt that we are better off than some, isn’t going to help them at all. So let’s give thanks!

An example I have, which is more on the trivial side but still sucks, is yesterday morning, one of my dogs (one who I take care of for someone, not one of the ones I live with), broke my phone! Oh rats! He’s a very wild boy, doesn’t always listen, & is very strong. He knocks me over when we’re playing! He wasn’t listening to me and he shattered the part of my phone that takes pictures! That’s the last part I want broken, as I love taking pics most days! Oh well.

But instantly, I thought, at least my phone still turns on, the apps still work, I still can take pics, all my info wasn’t lost, it’s so good to have a job working with animals (even when they destroy my stuff!), I’m not sick today…Instead of a stream of negative thoughts like how disappointing, now I have to spend money on a new phone, why couldn’t it have been a different part that broke…I chose to see the good in this situation and just the general good.

Then last night, he jumped into a big puddle, soaking my shoes & socks and wetting my pants. He was all soaked n jumped on me, rubbing his wet face & chest all off on my new hoodie. And the water he jumped in smelled like sour stuff because there was food all dissolved in it.

Of course, I laughed hysterically! It was very uncomfortable, physically but I got a good belly laugh out of it. And’s it’s adorable how he cleaned himself all off on my clothes. 😍 Again, I saw the light in this situation. Any of us can do this on any occasion!

It is important to keep in mind that no matter how unimportant/trivial the unpleasant experience is, this life philosophy applies to it. Each day, many/most/all of us experience minor stresses or annoyances like dropping something, encountering someone we would prefer not to, seeing a post on social media we don’t like,….if we practice FLIPing with these simple things, we will be more equip with skills to cope with more deeply disappointing or devastating things like illness, grief/loss, other more serious situations.

Sometimes it will be easier to see the bright side than others and occasionally, we may have to force it but it can be done even if we have to “fake it til we make it” sometimes. Keep practicing & making the choice to see the good and it will become easier & easier until it’s a way of life.

To keep choosing over & over throughout each day whenever something unpleasant happens, even something very small and trivial like our shoelace untying, all the way up to the horrific & tragic, like someone dying, to give thanks for what is still good, is life-altering, for the better.

Keep making that choice, no matter how difficult it may be, to FLIP that switch & shine light on the goodness! 💖

Much love & light to you, always! 💖

Xoxo Kim

With love, xoxo❤

Nov19

“If you clean the floor with love, you have given the world an invisible painting.” 💖

My job is to love, both as an action/verb & also just in the form of emotion. It’s my job in this life in general and also my paid job, loving animals and the people whose pets they are. There are things I have to do for practical purposes, filling the water bowl, food bowl, snapping their harnesses on, putting on coats & booties, putting down potty mats, cleaning up accidents in houses/apartments, cleaning litter boxes, picking up 💩 with doggy bags, giving medication/supplements….these are the practical things but I realize they are not only that. Just like playing, cuddles, kisses, pets & hugs, all these practical acts, the things that seem more like work and may at first appear to be just “means to an end,” just something that has to be done and over with so we can get to the more fun, pleasant things like playing and going for walks, they too are acts of love. They may not be as obviously loving acts as the hugs and kisses and playing but are part of loving an animal. To get to do these things is a gift.

My baby 💜

This little baby in the picture with me is a sweet girl who I generally take care of five days a week, sometimes more, while her mommies are at work. Sometimes I even get to have sleepovers with her! 😍 I have known her for almost a year and love her like my own! One day a while ago, my schedule was a little bit different and she was assigned to a different petsitter that day. As I was leaving, I realized how much I would really miss the seemingly little things, like filling her water bowl and setting it on the floor for her. Of course I would miss playing with her, the cuddles, & kisses, & walking with her. But not so obvious are the small practical things like simply filling her water bowl for her. It’s something we may take for granted if we aren’t careful.

My experience with not having her on my schedule that day, reminded me more, to always cherish the little things, the mundane, the practical. I always honor the love in these acts.

One of the best things about my job is that I get to experience loving animals the way their own humans love them. Like I mentioned, love, is a feeling but also a verb/action. We all love our pets in different ways. Some people love their dogs by spoiling them and giving them food that isn’t for animals, while others love their dogs by not allowing them “people food.” Some love their dogs by making them go for walks even if they don’t want to go out, because they think it’s good for them, while others give in & let the furbaby stay in. Some people express love for their dogs, putting a coat on them when it’s cold, buying them a doggy bed, lots of toys, while others love theirs just as much but not doing these things.

Some of these things aren’t important for me to do with my own dogs/cat. But if it’s important to the person whose pet I am taking care of, it becomes just as important to me to do for the pet even if I don’t do that for my own. I love getting to experience loving all of these babies everyday, both in my own way, and loving them how they are loved by their own family. I feel that it’s a great kindness to welcome me into their homes, families, & lives, to love their pets.

What a gift to have a job like this. I cherish the moments and honor the love in each one.

Whatever our job is, whether it’s a paid job, stay at home mom or dad, volunteer job….and not just jobs but with each moment in this life, let’s remember the love, be mindful, intentional, conscious…& honor that love in each breath.💖

Almost everything we do, no matter how simple or trivial it may seem, whether it’s required of us or not, is helping someone or something, somehow contributing to the world around us being even if just a little bit better. No matter how unimportant a job may seem or how unfulfilling it is to the one working, it is very likely helping something or someone and that is why it exists. Mopping floors, serving food, filing papers, answering phones….are all important in some way to those being served and/or the employers we work for. And even just doing something that helps no one but our own self, sipping coffee/tea, watching a sunset, coloring…be all there and cherish those moments. Let all that we do be done in love! (I think this is a biblical quote or something like it & it deeply resonates with me!) 😍

“Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the small uncaring ways.“

Much love & light to you, always! I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

A Light in the Darkness♡

Sep26

“I was alone in the forest meditating. At nightfall, my only company was the flickering light from a kerosene lamp that someone gave. The little it may be, that light gave me strength to keep on striving. It taught me to remember the kindness of others no matter how simple or how small the acts appear to be. A Light in the darkness is a gift we must always remember.” ♡

There’s a song I love so much called A Light in the Darkness. It’s a Buddhist hymn but can apply to everyone. It’s seriously the most inspiring song I have ever heard! It’s about seeing light, being Light even in the darkest places. It’s so empowering.

There’s a cafe somewhat close to where I live. The owner of the cafe is one of the most caring, kind, friendliest people you can meet. He loves animals & warmly welcomes all the doggies! He has free treats & water out for them. ♡ 

I don’t know him but had the pleasure of meeting him a couple of occasions. He is very well loved in the community. Recently, he suffered a massive heart attack and has been in a hospital, unresponsive for a few days. He is in critical condition and his family & friends/coworkers and all who know him are devastated and fearful. 

They don’t know if he’s ever going to wake up. I was walking by the cafe and saw this door. All these people, friends, family, coworkers, strangers, customers…all stopped to express love to Sal and his family. ♡ Each one of these people has brought light into this dark, dark place. Even though I don’t know Sal and probably only seen him on no more than two or three occasions, I felt so much warmth, love, light, & gratitude upon seeing all these sweet messages of love for him. I was inspired to write one myself.

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. All these notes written in love and put on display to inspire others to act in love.

I already had this post planned before I learned about Sal’s devastating situation. After seeing all the love just pouring in, I decided to incorporate it into my post here. It’s the perfect example of Light in the darkness. 

“Its flame burns to comfort lost feeling. Its flame burns to comfort lost feeling. A light in the darkness can be seen from afar. Burn of fire for the comfort of many.”

Each day there are little gems of hope all over the place, slivers of light, Earth angels….let’s focus on them no matter how dark it may get where we are. Every favor someone does for us, every smile, every act of kindness we experience/witness, every thing that goes good, let’s give thanks. They are all lights in the darkness. 

Whatever we are experiencing…grief, anxiety, physical pain, depression, anger, breakup of some sort, job loss, betrayal by someone we trusted, regrets, happiness, joy, beginnings, good things, success of different kinds, new job, new relationships/friendships….., let’s remember the kindness of others. 

And let’s remember to BE kind to others even on those occasions it may be difficult. 

“If you have no light in your heart, find one, light one…..If you have a light already burning, let it burn, let it burn, let it burn, let it burn, let it burn, let it burn.”

A Light in the Darkness – desktop 

A light in the Darkness – Wayfarers – mobile

Remember if you have no light in your heart, find one, light one. Smile at strangers, perform an act of kindness for other sentient beings of any species, write a note wishing someone well even if we don’t know the person, say something kind even if we are angry, give to others, write a gratitude list….& if you have a light already burning, let it burn.

Let it burn. 

~Hugs~♡♡♡

Also, my love & compassion go out to Sal and his family, including his family of friends & coworkers and customers. I hope so desperately that he will recover.  ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Much love & light to you, always 

xoxo Kim ♡