Tag Archive | wisdom

Surrender to Universal Love <3

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” ~ Mayor John Pappas (“City Hall” movie quote)

I have written here often about my struggle with a Depressive Disorder and my journey of healing and remission, suicidal thoughts and contemplation.

My recent post “A Hope in Hell” is about it.

As I mentioned I suffer recurrent episodes, usually for what seems like no reason but sometimes triggered by some environmental issue and even when the trigger is over, I’m already stuck in the depression and it’s no longer about that. Usually that’s not the case though. Sometimes I like to use environmental things as the scapegoats though because it can seem easier to have a reason for being depressed than being depressed “just because.” But the truth is, it’s usually just because. Because I have a chronic condition. A lifelong condition that must be managed and coped with. The initial onset was probably triggered by one or a couple environmental issue/s but even when those issues are no longer issues or not as bad, the damage is done. And it runs in my family.

And some days it’s better to know it’s “just because” because then I’m reminded it’s an illness and I’m better able to hold on and cope til it lifts and do what I have to to get myself better knowing that while I feel worthless and like there’s no purpose in anything, it’s not true, it’s just the illness deceiving me. And when there’s no pleasure in anything I can remind myself it’s because of my condition and I will again find the joy and pleasure I often feel. I find a healthy balance of acknowledging it as the sickness it is but also knowing I have some control of how to react to and cope with it. I can still empower myself even with a chronic illness such as Depression.

Sometimes I have real problems but I know they are not what are depressing me.
Sometimes I think they are what is depressing me and later realize it wasn’t really the problems; they were just an easy excuse.
And sometimes it seems everything is going well but it’s still there hanging over me and dwelling within. Like it’s not connected to anything on Earth and that’s usually the worst.

I no longer have the general depression in the middle of each severe flare up, usually, like I used to and severe episodes aren’t as frequent as they used to be. But they do occur and when they do, it can get bad.

As I also mentioned for nearly fourteen years until October, 2012, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and contemplation, in different degrees, almost everyday, without exaggeration. Serious urges, thoughts, contemplation, usually for hours on end day in and day out. When I turned twenty-one years old, I was able to go for three weeks sometimes, although not often, then eventually three months, then four months, throughout the years, without serious suicidal thoughts or contemplation. But after the three or four months, it would come back to stay until another extremely rare “episode” (interval in the middle of suicidal depressive episodes) of a few months/weeks without death urges would occur.

Usually I couldn’t even go that long though without them. But through the years I worked on my inner self to help me prevent impending episodes and cope much better when I can’t prevent them. Meditation, positive quotes, inspirational songs and lyrics, gratitude activities, various techniques….all help me greatly because I made them a habit. They are ingrained into me now to help me immensely, not cure me or pull me out of a serious depression but help me cope when it gets bad or prevent some episodes before they get bad to where I can’t get out of it for weeks or months.

In October 2012 I had my last serious suicidal thought/urge/contemplation until last month, May 2014! One year and seven months without death urges and serious thoughts of terminating my life! That’s longer than I ever dreamed I would be able to go without having serious thoughts of ending my own life.

I still suffered severe episodes of depression since October 2012 and felt suicidal thoughts/urges trying to emerge every now and again but I was able to keep them under control for the most part.

I’m sorry to say I had a bad relapse recently but it’s true, I did and there’s no denying it. But one year and seven months is a great accomplishment for me. For someone who was dangerously suicidal almost everyday for nearly fourteen years. And I know it’s in me now to do that again, maybe even longer.

So instead of viewing this relapse in a negative way and seeing it as me failing, I will view it in a more positive light as a great accomplishment and knowing I have it in me to live for over one year with no serious suicidal thoughts and urges/contemplation. I never knew I can go that long without those urges and serious thoughts. They were always so much an integral part of me.

My positive habits and life philosophy that is ingrained into me are still with me, etched upon my heart forever but depression is like an illness and it can still get so bad. The positive habits, techniques, and philosophy I live every day are no cure but they’re helping me cope when it’s bad and just be happier and more joyous in general.

Sometimes I get depressed and it’s a heaviness weighing on my life, my body, squeezing my insides and I struggle with feelings of inherent worthlessness and a general sense of hopelessness even when I’m not struggling with or hopeless about any specific problem.

Sometimes I know I can accomplish things just as well as anyone, I know I am blessed, I know I have so much, I know environmental problems will end, I even have basically good self esteem, but still, I’m depressed and want to die. I am well aware people around the world have “worse problems” but reminding me of that often serves to worsen my guilt and depression, not lessen it.

I don’t get suicidal easily over things people say to me and little things that happen in my environment. It’s no one’s fault and even if someone says or does something negative to me and I kill myself after that, that will still be no one’s fault. It’s a sickness. Although sometimes when I’m depressed I don’t realize it’s a sickness and just believe I’m inherently flawed and must escape this life.

I felt this way for weeks, recently. The episode started out as they usually do. Slow and mild. Those are the ones that usually last for weeks or months. Sometimes I’m hit hard with depression and it’s severe, right off, without beginning as mild then getting worse. It’s bad right away, it hits hard, almost physical, like something hard and heavy slamming into my whole body. The darkness takes over me and I am overwhelmed in complete despair and blackness. Sometimes I have to succumb to my bed or sit down somewhere if I’m not at home when it hits, until the heaviest part of the darkness eases enough for me to move again.
This was a great struggle for me in college, I would miss classes, be late, fail exams, have to lay or sit somewhere and just not be able to get back up until way later.
Those ones that come on so fast and hit hard like that, usually only last a few hours or days though, when they come on quickly like that. They aren’t considered by professionals as “clinical” or “major” episodes since they last less than two weeks but they can feel just as bad and be just as dangerous.

This one started out slow and mild and gradually got worse. And lasted just over one month.

I lost interest in almost everything. I mostly avoided most things that I do for fun, like posting here and other places. I mostly just did things I have to do like work, shower, brushing teeth…most of which felt like life draining hassles. I did still read a lot though, light reading, mostly, so I wouldn’t have to concentrate much, nothing that required much thought usually.

In my recent post, “A Hope in Hell,” I stated that a specific, distressing incident triggered the bad episode and relapse of suicidal urges and thoughts and contemplation.

Last month I was crossing a busy street with lots of traffic, cars and trucks speeding. I saw a caterpillar crossing the street as well. They are very difficult to pick up. They slide out of my hands, constantly moving. I try to rescue them and other insects/kreepy krawlers whenever I can, putting them in grass so they won’t be stepped on by accident or intentionally.

I’m afraid when I pick them up though,that they will be so scared they’ll have a heart attack and die. So I’m so afraid to put them in my hands for that reason. I was crossing the street weeks ago and wanted desperately to pick up the caterpillar so s/he wouldn’t be crushed by a car. But the light was changing and as I said, it’s a busy street and big with traffic going both ways. I knew I probably couldn’t get the caterpillar to safety before the light changed and cars and trucks started speeding. I would be holding up traffic so I stopped, contemplated attempting to pick up the insect (or whatever caterpillars are) and decided against it. That it probably wouldn’t accomplish much other than holding up traffic. I believed that the caterpillar would be safe probably, just slipping under the cars, not getting hurt.

But I was wrong. I watched the poor thing get crushed then crushed again and die. I was already slightly depressed for a few days but that day was good before that happened. I instantly felt like ending my own life. I felt it physically all over, my body aching to die.

I was overwhelmed in pain and guilt. I’m still devastated when I think of it.

It took a lot of strength and energy for me not to do anything to put myself in mortal danger that day. I came so close. It would have been so easy. The only thing that stopped me is the fear of hurting anyone else physically while I was attempting to end my own life and the fear of inflicting psychological damage upon anyone forced to witness or be involved in any way.

I’m almost always conscious of how things I do may impact others. And I try to act in ways that are best for all of us or just for everyone else.

Usually the only thing that stops me when I come close to killing myself is fear that it won’t work and I’ll suffer the consequences like damage to my body and along with it, look even more like a loser.

But I don’t always feel that fear. And that day last month, it wasn’t that fear that stopped me. It was concern for the others who would have been directly involved. That’s the main fear that stops me when the method I’m contemplating may somehow involve others.

So I had to hold myself against a wall and battle the urges violently flowing through me in waves, pressing my body against it hoping desperately they would soon subside. Hoping desperately I would be able to walk home without the violent urges threatening my life.

I had to try hard to not have one little lapse in judgment that would result in a serious catastrophe for a lot of people. It took all I had in me.

They’re not always mere thoughts; they escalate to urges, almost physical, almost seeming impulsive. Like I have to go. And it has to be now. Right now. It’s not a choice to experience them but it IS my choice to give into them and end my life or battle them and not give in and end it. Physical actions are NOT beyond my control. I have a choice how to act even though I don’t always have the choice how to think or feel.

I don’t go into great detail in person or in writing about my suicidal urges and fantasies out of fear of triggering distress in someone who may already be unstable or distressed. Especially in writing, for anyone at all has access to it and can read it over and over whenever they want. I’m very open in general about my condition but I don’t take chances like that.

Also I don’t usually tell people when I’m currently struggling or I try to lessen the blow by down-grading the severity of it til it’s over, then sometimes I tell how bad it was.

I said before I’m so used to it that sometimes I’m way too casual when speaking of it and talk about it as if I’m talking about my plans for the weekend or my favorite book or movie or like someone would speak of a trivial problem s/he’s having. I tend to forget now and then the way it shocks the hell out of people and that it’s not a problem most people are used to encountering like that. And I don’t always like the reactions I am met with.

Lol As devastating as it is it’s also quite amusing in a way.

Or maybe I’m the only one who thinks so. I got in trouble my whole life since I was a little girl for laughing at inappropriate things, like something spilling, someone falling, kids being bad in school, someone putting a worm on the teacher’s desk in high school and her screaming…and I’m very easily genuinely amused even over stuff most people would probably find just plain stupid. I have belly laughs that hurt almost everyday, even when I’m by myself, over the dumbest things that wouldn’t even faze anyone else.

Even though I struggle with severe depression, I’m still a lighthearted girl who can find light, love, and laughter just about anywhere.

One night, a few weeks ago, I really contemplated ending it all. It was on my mind frequently everyday, day and night. When I would wake up in the morning, it was on my mind. That one night I felt I had to make a choice. I could only feel two strong emotions for the most part, severe emotional pain with the desire to end everything good and bad alike, and powerful love. I still felt love in me for everyone, universal love. It wasn’t completely masked by the pain and desire to die. It was at my surface. Swirling in me, tempting me to give in and surrender to it. It was in my consciousness, breathing, pulsating strong as ever in sync with the rhythm of my heartbeat.

Like it always is and is now.
Venturing through my veins.

It was like a tug of war game.

One force, a deadly force, pulling me one way and a loving, life affirming force pulling me the other way. It’s exhausting.

As much as I wanted to kill myself, I gave into the love instead. I let the death wishes and suicidal pain take the back burner, summoning my love to the forefront of my brain and my whole being, even more. I decided to stay alive and battle the deadly urges, threatening my life, just so that I can go on loving. Everyone and everything I can. In any ways I can.

Love is so healing. Even when it feels I’m not loved in return. I believe it’s better to love than be loved if I can’t have both. Throughout my days I have experienced rejection, in various forms, on some occasions, by people I wanted to be friends with, one’s I hoped to develop some form of relationship with. While it can be quite agonizing, there’s some kind of comfort knowing I’m still able to love those who reject me. I’m still able to love in many ways. In the form of a positive affection directed at the person even if just in my head, wishing people the best whether or not they want the best for me or even care, still thinking and speaking positively of those who don’t love me.

Love heals.

Love can be a strong positive affection(romantic or platonic) for someone or something with no action taken. Or it can be a verb, an action, an expression.

When we reach out to help, heal, comfort…we reach out in love.

Maybe I will never accomplish anything great, maybe I’ll never save someone’s life but I can do simple things with great love. Share an uplifting quote, go the distance to help someone in need, provide hugs and smiles to all I can…there are limitless possibilities and reasons for carrying on in the midst of all the pain.

I couldn’t pull myself out of the depression or completely stop the thoughts of killing myself but I was still able to choose to live and not give into them.

Now I’m very happy again, so hopeful and inspired everyday again. It’s so strange and fascinating how that can happen like that. How nothing can change environmentally or in any way but my general mood changes dramatically. I’m inspired to take pictures again, to write, to put on my makeup and look pretty. To look up at the sky and feel an even greater depth of joy than I felt in the midst of my depression when I looked at it in awe. The feelings of worthlessness are gone, the hopelessness, the darkness, the despair. It’s all gone, just because I held on. Time itself healed it. It was nothing I did. I just carried on and coped as best I could and here I am, back again!

That itself is inspirational, the fact that I did little else but hold on and it eventually ended.

If you ever feel like giving up or giving in whether it’s something like suicidal urges or something not so dramatic like maybe just lashing out in anger or carrying out actions based on strong unpleasant emotions or thoughts, I hope you will instead tap into the love in you, bring it to your consciousness, and act on that instead. Like I did when I came so close to selling out. Maybe it’s love for yourself, another person, an animal, a thing, an activity, anything, universal love for all sentient beings….anything. Just summon whatever sweet love you have in you and act on or bask in it.

It’s ok to experience and acknowledge those unpleasant, painful, destructive, thoughts, feelings, and emotions but you don’t have to give into them and let them conquer you. Let love conquer instead. Let love prevail.

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.” ~ LeeAnn Womack (I Hope You Dance)

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” ~ Mother Teresa

“I am here to serve. I am here to inspire. I am here to love. I am here to live my truth.” – Deepak Chopra

“Love everybody for who they are. We’re not supposed to try to change people. We should allow people to be who they are and love them as they are.” ~ Dolly Parton

“The meaning of life is to love yourself completely, free yourself and others of guilt, and become totally visible no matter the risk.”

Surrender to universal love.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. When you get the choice to sit it out or dance…….

I hope you dance.

A Hope in Hell

Jun21

Last month, in May, for about the entire month into June, I was struggling with a severe depressive episode, worse than I have felt in a while. I have recurrent episodes but they aren’t as frequent as they used to be and they often don’t last as long as they used to.

When I feel an impending episode about to hit, I can often prevent it now using self-help techniques I have learned through the years. But this episode that hit me recently hit so hard, I slipped into it without the ability to go back. So all I was able to do was cope with it as best as I could.

But it takes great strength and energy to cope with a severe episode of depression and suicidal thoughts and urges. Strength and energy I don’t always feel as if I have or even want to have. Depression saps it all. It weakens my will and desire to live. Weakens my motivation to get out of it. Some moments I let my self slip and choose not to battle it but let it have me, I struggled against violent suicidal urges, almost physical. I wanted to give up and give in, let it take me.

But unlike a few years ago when I would be hit with severe depressive episodes, I am now equipped with certain skills, attitudes, life philosophies, knowledge, and wisdom. All of these I lacked back then.

They are ingrained into me now because of all of my practice through the years to get myself better. While they cannot always help me prevent an episode or get out of one and they cannot cure me, they can help me cope and hold on.

Some moments I give into the weakness but then I soon find my way back. Sometimes I need reminders like quotes, songs, books, tips….to help bring me back.

For just over one month I struggled with inner darkness, a general sense of hopelessness, not about any specific situation, just in general, although it was triggered by something in my environment. I haven’t been struggling with any specific problem in life other than a sense of inherent worthlessness and darkness but an incident set off the episode. No matter where I go, there I’ll be. That’s how I felt. Like it doesn’t matter what I do, what I accomplish, how beautiful I am, how many people I know…It’s not environmental. My whole disorder, it’s like chemical and may or may not be triggered by environmental issues. Although environmental things can occasionally help somewhat or contribute more to the darkness, it’s not about my environment. I have been in different environments through the years, different stages of life….but the overall disorder remains. And I’m sure it always will. It will come and it will go. Come and go. And I have come to accept that for the most part.

My entire body felt heavy and fatigued. I wanted to crawl up in solitude. I wanted to die. My interest in things almost completely evaporated and the few things I still managed to have a shred of interest in weren’t bringing me anywhere near as much joy or pleasure as they usually do.

Food had no flavor, music had no rhythm, there was almost no feeling to anything. Occasionally I felt beauty in things, like a walk in the warm gentle air, birds flying and chirping, reading books, helping people at work, looking up at the sky, sweet, warm and cool breezes, and a few other things.
I also saw my good friend on different days, which was very helpful.

Reading is one of the few interests that managed to still get my attention, although it was difficult to concentrate completely on the content.

A while ago I began reading a novel called A Hope in Hell about a young woman who struggles with suicidal thoughts and contemplation and severe depression which she calls “Black Moods.” This reminds me of when I was a young girl and young woman, before I knew what I have, before I was diagnosed, I called it the “Black days” or “black things” and the “gray days.”

It’s not a long book. I stopped reading after a couple pages, not for any specific reason, I just read multiple books at once and sometimes stop reading one until a while later, even when I like the book a lot.

Recently I felt drawn to it again. I have it on BlackBerry Kindle. So I started reading it and completed it.

It’s not a realistic story as it is about demons. Not just the demons that come along with suffering with depression but actual demons in Hell. In the book they can interact with humans on Earth. The demons don’t know what happens to humans after they die; one demon, Lil, said no humans ever end up in Hell.

There will be some spoilers here in case you want to avoid them.

The young woman, Tasha, a very beautiful and extremely intelligent girl, suffered with depression since she was a teenager, over fifteen years. She tried some treatments but not many and none helped her so she stopped it. She has no friends and her family refused to help her financially and cut her off so they are estranged. She has had many lovers but it never worked out with any of them. She becomes homeless and decides to end her life at 3:00 in the morning by jumping off a bridge.

She jumps but there happened to be a man there who witnessed and he saves her life.

After she is released out of the hospital she was taken to, the man, John, who saved her life, let’s her live with him until she gets a job and a place of her own. He experienced his own tragedy and like Tasha, he knows true pain.

Tasha quickly falls in love with him but he rejects her sexual invitations over and over.

This book is very sexually explicit with vulgar language. I don’t mind but if that’s not your cup of tea you probably won’t like it much. It’s definitely an adult book. It does have a deeper message to it though.

Tasha constantly feels like a failure and feels rejected always just by life itself.

For much of her life she turned to sexual/romantic relationships and encounters to help her ease her lifelong despair but they only helped temporarily and eventually the men would leave her, usually because her illness always got the best of her.

One day she walks in and finds a stunningly gorgeous, female, demon participating in sexual activity with John, the love of Tasha’s life, her savior, the closest thing she has to a friend. Tasha felt broken and despair finding this. In the book it’s not shocking to find a demon walking the Earth so while Tasha was broken, she wasn’t freaked out.

The demons aren’t “its,” they are very human-like, they have real genders and sexual identities and this demon is a beautiful woman, thousands of years old but sill looks like a young woman.

Tasha is jealous of her because of her physical appearance and because of her ability to put John under a spell and make him lust after her. During the sexual encounter with the demon, John isn’t all there. He’s kind of unaware of what is happening but his body responds in ways that make Tasha envious and more depressed.

The demon was summoned to Earth for another reason and while she is there she senses John’s strong sexual desire for Tasha.

He has a certain reason why he won’t act on his sexual desire for Tasha and it frustrates him and the beautiful, sexy demon senses it and pays him a visit just for fun and decides to kill him while she’s there. The demon can sense that Tasha is suicidal and offers to kill her as well if she wants. Tasha desperately wants to die to end her depression but she doesn’t want John to die. So she tells the demon that she can kill her but to spare John’s life. The demon refuses. She will either kill just John or kill both John and Tasha. The demon, Lilith, explains that in Hell a person can’t give her life to save another. Tasha used to hang with Wiccans so she has some background knowledge of demons.

She knows they accept contests so Tasha initiates a contest with the demon. If Tasha loses, John and Tasha both die but if Tasha wins John lives and just Tasha dies. Tasha wants nothing more than to save John’s life and if she can die saving his, it’s even better! Lol it’s kind of amusing even though it has a depressing nature.

The demon explains that no human stands a chance with a demon. A human will always lose a contest with a demon.

Tasha already feels like a failure so she’s almost certain she’ll lose to Lilith.

Tasha has no energy or life in her because of her depression but she will do anything for the man she loves so she gives it her all. The demon explains that the contest has to be sexual in nature. Tasha is no stranger to sexual experience as she spent years being seductive and doing whatever men wanted her to do so she has some confidence that she’ll do ok but she’s fairly certain she’ll lose.

The demon has John under a spell where he is completely lusting after her. He can’t take his eyes off of Lil. Lil is arrogant and not sympathetic to Tasha. Lil explains that if Tasha somehow manages to get John to take his eyes of her and look into Tasha’s eyes, she’ll spare John’s life but it’s agreed to that Tasha will die no matter what.

Tasha at first takes this to mean that she has to engage in physical sexual acts with John. The demon leads her to believe this is true. So Tasha does just about every physical sexual thing she can think of to John. He’s somewhat conscious but doesn’t realize what’s happening. Tasha knows he doesn’t want to have any sexual encounter with her but she apologizes and does anyway to save his life.

Nothing works. He won’t take his eyes off Lil.

-spoiler-

As I have mentioned, Tasha is extremely intelligent and has knowledge of how demons operate. She is able to realize that to get John to truly look into her eyes, sexual contact won’t work. So she takes him into her arms and touches him with her words, in a deep place, tugging at his heartstrings. She tells him he deserves true love and happiness and he deserves a beautiful relationship and that she would be happy to give him all that he wants, needs, and deserves. He’s under a spell so he can’t completely, consciously understand but some part of him does. So for once, he takes his eyes off of the beautiful demon and looks directly into Tasha’s eyes. He chooses true love over lust.

Tasha won. She outsmarted the demon, much to Lil’s dismay. But now Tasha has one little hangup, she now wants to live. But there’s no negotiating with the demon. She already “signed” a contract written in stone, written in blood, that the demon can take her life.

Tasha began to feel more alive, more confident, and her will to live strengthened.

I’m going to tell part of the end of the story now because of the lessons it teaches. If you would prefer to read the story and not read the end first, you can just click this off. I love the life lessons this story conveys.

“The Black Mood was still there, tugging at the new-found buoyancy of her soul, but she felt stronger now, made more powerful by defeating the certainty of her own failure. Her only disappointment was that she had gained the strength she had always lacked just when she had sold her soul.
Tasha wanted to live, she knew. She wanted to hold John’s hand in the doctor’s office while the doctor explained medical side effects that she already knew by heart. She wanted to hear pride in her father’s voice, and see respect in her mother’s eyes. She wanted to walk across the Michigan Avenue Bridge, spit in the ice water below, and smile at the people on the other side.
It was unfair. The only thing she had known for sure an hour ago was that she wanted to die, so she had promised the demon her life even if she won. Now it was forfeit. She could ask the demon for mercy, but one did not anger demons and expect to be given quarter, particularly if Tasha’s survival increased the risk that Hell would discover Lilith’s failure. Lilith would want her dead for her silence, if nothing else. It was impossible – just as defeating Lilith had been impossible.
Which meant Tasha could do it.
Think.”

Tasha chose life. But it was too late. She realized life isn’t so hopeless. She came alive.

But she found a way to live and the demon spared her life at the end.

Ten beautiful lessons:

1.) love is not mere physical/sexual acts- the story shows that true love is more than just lust and sexual acts. Tasha’s loving words are what convinced John to look into her eyes, saving them both.
2.) accomplishments can help – once she accomplished something great she realized she can accomplish more and more. It showed her that her life is not just one big failure. One accomplishment, big or small, is evidence that we CAN accomplish more and more.
3.) deeply rooted beliefs can be wrong – Tasha was convinced that she was a complete failure and that her life could never serve a purpose but she discovered she was wrong. As deep and ingrained as these feelings were, she was able to eventually see past them. Deep convictions take a while and much work to vanquish but it can be done.
4.) hope in extreme darkness – in the midst of so much, overwhelming darkness and pain, there can still be one slither of hope and that one slither can be just enough.
5.) love can be strong and powerful enough to keep someone alive –
The night before I read the end of this book I was contemplating. Wondering if I should choose life or choose death. I felt two strong emotions. Pain. Deep emotional pain. And LOVE. Metta. Universal love. My love was not masked by the pain. I felt it through it all. Love for the world, for people I know, for strangers, for people I have yet to meet who may need me in some way, some day. I may never accomplish much. But one day someone may need a smile, a hug, a helping hand, encouragement, inspiration, comfort, and how can I provide that if I’m dead? I contemplated hard. Should I end it all? Or choose love? I chose love. I choose life.
Just like Tasha in the book. She chose to live for love. Her love for one man inspired her to live. That’s not to say we should only live for romantic love or someone else. But her love inspired life and made her realize how her life can impact another for the better. How someone can come out of nowhere and need her in some deep way. Just her presence helped heal John in his own pain. He shared some of his pain with her and how her life touched his. Even if she couldn’t have John as a lover right then, her experience showed her that her life does matter and can touch someone else’s. Even if John wouldn’t accept her as a lover or accept her sexual/romantic invitations, she chose to live, to love him in any way she can whether or not he will have her.
I chose love that night too. Not romantic love but universal love. Love for all sentient beings and all the beauty in the world.
Love of any kind can inspire life.
6.) the “mind” can be changed after it’s too late – it’s possible to change your mind in the middle of or after a suicide attempt and it may be too late. In this story, the suicide attempt – asking a demon to end her life – is not realistic but it mirrors real life suicide attempts. There are people who attempt suicide in various ways then change their mind, realizing that life really isn’t so bad, it’s not so hopeless, life deserves another chance, they deserve another chance, and are sorry. Some people are saved but for some it’s too late, there’s no going back. The damage is done. As long as we’re alive we can always choose to die but after we choose death and die or cause serious damage to the body to a certain extent, it’s done, there’s no going back. Sometimes this may be what we truly want because the pain is too much but pain can end without ending our lives and we can learn to cope while currently in pain. And often, it’s not an end to life we really want, just an end to the pain.
7.) think – there are other ways out
THINK. There are endless possibilities. Death is only one option. There are many more choices, things to try. We can use our creativity, our knowledge, tap into the love deep within and come up with better ways to end and cope with the pain.
8.) the depression part is realistic – the girl’s depression doesn’t magically lift but even amidst the darkness, she finds the strength to choose life. And has hope that she can get better. No matter how much it hurts you can find strength and hope. Tasha knows she still needs help and plans to ask for professional help and get herself better.
9.) Something may seem impossible but not be.
She thought it was impossible to win the contest with the demon. She also thought it was impossible to survive after she won the contest but she was wrong. She won and she lived. At the end of the book, Tasha’s life is spared. Her and John remain close. In real life outside of books, we may come across things that seem so impossible but we may just be wrong. There’s so much potential we all have that can be tapped into and realized.
10.) suicidal urges/desire for death is only temporary(even though it may always come and go) – it can end as fast as it can begin. Tasha made a choice to end her own life but just an hour later she wanted desperately to live. This is realistic. Someone can want so desperately, more than anything, to die. And that very same day, in a matter of minutes or hours, choose to live and want so desperately, more than anything else, to live. I know, I have felt this way myself. It always comes back but it always goes again and it’s worth it to hold on and live. It’s startling how fast a suicidal mind, once convinced it wants to die, can change dramatically and then choose to live. If you’re on the brink now, about to end it all, just think, in one hour you may want nothing more than life itself. This isn’t just reality for a fictional girl in a novel about demons, it’s my own reality in this real world.

This book is all about hope.

The most beautiful message: hold on, live, hope, keep pushing through it all, choose love.

Xoxo Kim

Celebrate & Love the Authentic YOU <3

Jun13

“Ask a flower in the field: ‘Do you feel useful? After all, you do nothing but produce the same flowers over and over?’ And the flower will answer: ‘I am beautiful, and beauty is my reason for living.’ Ask the river: ‘Do you feel useful, given that all you do is to keep flowing in the same direction?’ And the river will answer: ‘I’m not trying to be useful, I’m trying to be a river.’

Don’t try to be useful. Try to be yourself: that is enough, and that makes all the difference.

Walk neither faster nor slower than your own soul. Because it is your soul that will teach you the usefulness of each step you take. Sometimes taking part in a great battle But sometimes you can do that simply by smiling, for no reason, at someone you happen to pass in the street. Without intending to, you might have saved the life of a complete stranger, who also thought he was useless and might have been ready to kill himself, until a smile gave him new hope and confidence.”

Except of “Manuscript found in Accra”

Isn’t it beautiful?!

I woke up one morning, maybe two days ago, to a Positively Positive post in my e-mail box that I just find to be lovely.

Why “I Am Beautiful” Is A Problematic Statement For My 3-Year-Old

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2014/06/12/why-i-am-beautiful-is-a-problematic-statement-for-my-3-year-old/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+positivelypositive%2Fpositive+(Positively+Positive)

I had much difficulty sleeping for a couple nights because of my chronic pain disorder. I wasn’t viewing this painful experience in a positive or negative way, I was just taking it as it is. Just excruciatingly painful. It was making me sickly, fatigued, exhausted, yet, I couldn’t sleep well. I woke up after an extremely restless two and a half hours of sleep feeling drained, uninspired, dull, ragged, and wrung. At least I wasn’t hopeless or depressed though so that’s good.

😀

But when I read this post, I was inspired. It’s about how we don’t have to accept other people’s (or society as a whole) definition of us or labels we are branded with. Even positive labels such as “beautiful” or “perfect” “amazing.” You can just be YOU and that’s good enough.

Even positive labels and words we believe describe us well, can be detrimental if we feel we must live up to them so that people will continue to like us or so that we don’t have an identity crisis if that (positive) label begins to no longer apply to us.

We shouldn’t have to feel that we must live up to someone else’s definition of us. Or even our own definition of us if that definition is no longer or never was appropriate or for the best. We don’t have to accept or adhere to certain labels or descriptions people slap onto us, good or bad.

In this Positively Positive post, this mother’s three year old little girl rejects being called “beautiful” by her mother. Not necessarily because she doesn’t believe she, herself, is beautiful, but because she doesn’t care about being anything but herself. So many words, with positive and negative connotations alike, can apply to all of us. But we are still just us. She reminds her mom that she’s not “beautiful,” she’s Summer, Summer which is the child’s name.

And that’s good enough.

And always will be good enough.

We don’t have to live up to any label that doesn’t serve us well. Not even labels we gave ourselves, ones which were at one point, good for us.

In high school and middle school, for a couple years I was considered “smart.” I got all A’s and B’s and never needed much help with my school work to maintain slightly above average grades. Other kids knew me for being “smart” and I took on the label for myself. I felt much pressure to maintain a “smart” image and receive the same grades or better on each report card. Sometimes I really did need help, especially with math. It was difficult for me but I feared that if I asked for help, I wouldn’t be the “smart” girl any longer. Then one day I got my report card and received a “C” in Algebra in 10th grade.

I only valued myself for being “smart.” My sense of identify and self worth shattered. I thought so low of myself and wondered what others would think of me once I told them. I was no longer the “smart” girl. Then what was I? Who was I? I was still me. The same me I always was, am now, and always will be. I just never realized it then.

Sometimes even now I have certain words I love to label myself with. “Happy” “Cheerful” “Positive” “Optimistic” “Someone who is so happy to be alive.”

And the list goes on. And while generally these labels very much apply to me, they don’t always. I’m not always happy or cheerful or positive. And when I am not experiencing those feelings or traits, am I still me? Of course I am!

I may experience a mini identity crisis when I feel as if I’m not living up to the me I try to create myself to be, the me most people know me as. But I’m still that me. Traits, emotions, thoughts, qualities, labels, feelings…fluctuate and change but deep inside we are still us.

Deep inside, there is some immutable essence that will always be me. Always be you. Even when your thoughts, feelings, and qualities change for better and for worse.

You’re beautiful because you’re you. Not because you’re thin. Or curvy, have long hair or short hair, not because of your intelligence or your ability to solve problems, not because you’re some definition of perfect or always happy or always helpful or always inspired or inspiring…your beauty is everything you are, all rolled into one, good and bad, together, flaws, perfections, mutable traits and all.

You can label yourself but let those labels change when they no longer serve you and know that’s ok.

Give your name its own definition. One that fits you well. One that you create for yourself.

It’s beautiful what a three year old little girl and her mom can teach & remind us, even a three year old little girl and her mama we never laid eyes on in person.

Xoxo Kim

The Wisdom of Dove Candy <3

Jun12

I have been eating Dove Candy for days now! Mostly the peanut butter ones. Creamy peanut butter in the center of milk chocolate. Heaven on Earth, right?! I am the biggest fan of peanut butter. Oh, yum!

And the Dove Candy company is so inspirational! Chocolate tastes so much better showered in inspiration. And on the inside of each little wrapper is an inspirational message! I decided to collect all the little inspiring messages and share them here!

So here’s the list!

Too much of a good thing is wonderful

Lose yourself in a moment

Daydreaming is free

Your smile lights up the room

Buy yourself flowers

Follow your instincts

Love what you do

Dance with your heart

Get out there and make your dreams happen

Remind yourself to relax

Feel the sun on your face

You know what? You look good in red

Happiness looks great on you

Take a moment for yourself

Dare to dream

Chocolate is a gift of love

Escape for a moment

Make time for yourself

Treat yourself today

Chocolate loves unconditionally

It’s definitely a bubble bath day

Be the first to hit the dance floor

You have a great laugh

You’re invited to relax today

Naughty can be nice

Do what feels right

Write a real letter, not just an email.

Remember your first everything

Make a list of your dreams

Smiling is free

Take this moment. Enjoy it.

Live your dreams

Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances.

Discover yourself

Temptation is fun…giving in is even better.

Smile before bed. You’ll sleep better.

Someone is thinking of you right now.

Encourage your sense of daring.

Take a deep breath & exhale.

Dare to love completely.

Decorate your life.

Find your passion

You’re gorgeous.

You’re already gorgeous, gorgeous!

Treat yourself today.

Share a chocolate moment with a friend.

You worked hard – promise yourself a reward.

Keep the promises you make to yourself.

Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.

The only certainty in life is smooth chocolate.

Love without rules.

Hey, why not?

It’s OK to be flawed AND fabulous!

Calories only exist if you count them.

;-D

Can’t really argue with most of these, can you?!

Xoxo Kim

If your heart breaks regularly….<3 </3

Jun6

Then you’re doing something right.

“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonders.” ~ Andrew Harvey

I recently saw a self-help book, I don’t remember the name, designed to help us completely eradicate anger and other unpleasant feeling emotions out of our lives. It’s also designed to “make” us not even care at all when someone rejects us or when a relationship ends. Not only to eliminate “negative” emotions or help us heal but to PERMANENTLY obliterate them. Forever. Never feel anything but positive emotions again as long as we live. To be forever indifferent to negative events in the world. What a joke, right? It even has a warning saying something along the lines of “Caution, do NOT read this book if you do not want to permanently erase sadness over rejection….you can NEVER go back…. We promise…”

I’m not buying it. Not just like I’m not buying that book. That too. But I’m not buying the nonsense they’re selling.

I don’t believe it’s possible or likely for most people but also, more importantly, I don’t want it to be possible. Even if I could, I would not permanently erase my emotions. Any of them. I refuse to be a brick wall. Or a zombie? Or some non-human emotionless thing.

I believe that life is a gift. And that includes our ability to FEEL. To feel pain, grief, pleasure, heartbreak, hope, and healing. Anger, fury, joy, and happiness. Sadness and relief. To feel rejected and accepted, empty, broken, then whole.

Imagine walking around in a constant, static state of just one emotion. Whether the emotion itself is pleasant or unpleasant, the whole experience is not pleasant, in my opinion. We don’t need dramatic mood swings but a little variation would be sweet.

Like the cliche goes, it’s easier to appreciate the good with a little bit of bad thrown in!

But not just that.

Unpleasant feeling emotions and sensations actually serve a purpose. We would be in trouble without them. They let us know something is wrong. They fuel us, motivate us, teach us. They keep us safe.

Being peaceful and happy in general and having great control over our emotions and thoughts and actions or expressions is one thing, rarely getting worked up or angry is one thing. A good thing! Permanently erasing “negative” emotions and never being capable of experiencing them again is something else.

Fear.

Imagine a world without fear. Even if you could not feel fear, you likely wouldn’t be stupid. You would still know what can cause your death and seriously hurt you and probably would mostly avoid it but you may still act more recklessly than when you can feel fear. Your judgment may be a bit off without a healthy dose of fear.

Crossing a busy street for example. I see the horror of people crossing recklessly too often. They don’t want to wait so they dash through the speeding traffic, trying to avoid getting hit. It’s horrifying to witness. Just horrifying. They usually don’t get hit, thanking my lucky stars. And these are people who can and do feel fear. So imagine if some of those very same people could not experience fear. They would probably be even more reckless with their lives and the lives of those people in the cars, not having their fear to guide them.

This is also somewhat philosophical because if you think about it, if a person is unable to experience fear then does it mean that person also can’t experience a certain degree of concern? Is concern just a much lesser degree of fear?

(like some physical discomfort is a lesser degree of full-blown pain…?)

When I’m standing at a street full of speeding traffic and I’m safely on the pavement, it’s not full-blown fear I feel or even a lesser sense of anxiety. I know I’m safe so there’s nothing to fear. However, I do experience a certain degree of concern, enough to hold me back so I don’t go flying into traffic in a hurry to get across. Hmmmm…interesting.

My dad read a novel many years ago when I was a little girl, about a young woman who was born without the “fear gene.”. She never experienced fear a day in her life. I was fascinated but never read it. I remember my dad reading parts to me out loud. The character said she does not fear death or injury but she would never jump off a bridge or anything as she still knows what that can do. She doesn’t fear getting hurt but doesn’t want it. I can relate in some ways. I don’t “fear” getting a paper cut but I don’t want it. (perhaps desperately not wanting something IS some form of fear??) I don’t fear having a broken bone as long as it’s only a minor break of a less crucial bone but I sure don’t want it. I don’t fear any kind of surgery but would prefer not to have to undergo it. I’m not brave, necessarily, for not fearing this stuff. I’m just not naturally afraid of it. Fearlessness is not courage. Courage is feeling the fear but doing whatever it is anyway. That’s what it is to be brave. Being fearless isn’t. Like that quote about how superman isn’t really a hero in a way because he’s literally invincible, indestructible, the real heroes are you and me, who can be destroyed in many ways but still find it in us to go on, to take chances…

I’m assuming that fear means the full blown unpleasant feeling, not mere concern. The kind that makes you tremble, your heart pump like you want to run and run fast. There are different extents of fear, though, that I know of.

Some things I fear like that are: small closed in spaces, if I see someone nearly get hit by a car, if I think someone is about to die whether I know the person/animal or not, some amusement park rides (like the atmosfear – thing that drops) sleep paralysis,

Some things I don’t fear only because I know they can’t or probably won’t happen like: if I was the only human left on Earth, jumping out an airplane with a parachute (would probably terrify me, not thrill me), losing my sense of vision for a while. Because of my pain condition, I sometimes lose my hearing, sometimes completely and some occasions almost completely and have since I was a little girl before I knew why. I was always too afraid to tell my mom. It’s recurrent and the deafness and partial deafness lasts all different amounts of time, sometimes hours to a whole day, off and on. I never get completely used to it no matter how frequently it happens. I’m not as fearful when it happens as when I was a girl and young woman but it’s still very scary to lose a sense.

Physical pain.

Imagine no ability to feel physical pain or any sort of physical discomfort? You wouldn’t know when your appendix is about to burst. You may not know if you’re having a heart attack or if you’re cut badly in a place you can’t see right away.

I don’t know about the lack of fear thing but I know there are people living with this very rare pain disorder. They often die prematurely because they cannot feel physical discomfort at all and can stay in one position for many hours which can result in damage to the body. They don’t naturally turn in their sleep. Unlike us with the ability to feel physical pain and discomfort, they have to learn when to move throughout the day and night to avoid muscle atrophy. We take it for granted and never have to learn. We don’t give it a second thought usually; we just mindlessly move at the first sign of pain or discomfort.

Many of us have heard of “those people who can’t feel physical pain” but we may have some serious misconceptions of this disorder.

They often don’t walk around exactly like people who can feel pain, with no extra problems. They have so much against them. They suffer serious and sometimes even deadly consequences.

When they’re children, they are often blinded and chew their own tongues off. They don’t realize the teeth going through their tongues and their own fingernails slashing their eyeballs. Parents often don’t know they have this disorder until this trauma occurs. They often have to have their teeth and fingernails removed or wear socks on their hands. Sometimes their eyes have to be removed because of the damage their fingernails cause. Many are in wheelchairs because of muscle/joint problems. They often can’t sweat and they overheat.

We naturally, often unconsciously, learn not to claw our eyes out and chew our tongues off because of pain & discomfort. No one usually has to teach us. Unfortunately for some, they do not have that gift.

They CAN feel emotional pain and other physical sensations, like massage and skin on skin contact.

They aren’t like those other people who have that other disorder and can’t feel anything physical because of some touch/feel/nerve problem/injury.

Anger.

Imagine if you never felt anger. Not just being an easy going person who rarely gets angry and even when you do you control it well but imagine not having the ability to feel anger. I don’t know if anyone like this really exists but I imagine it can’t be all good. I suspect that if we all of a sudden could never experience anger, we may run into problems we never realized could happen. Anger may be serving other purposes we don’t even realize. We’re so used to having the ability we take it for granted.
Have you ever had something you never gave a second thought to then lost it and realized how much easier or better it really was making your life?

I know sometimes anger motivates me to act. To do what’s right. It fuels me to stand firm against things. For example, I remember an instance when I found that people were destructively criticizing me just to be unkind. I mostly felt paranoid and somewhat anxious and like a “victim” sort of.

But then anger crept in. But not the anger that destroys. That other kind. The kind that builds, fuels, the kind that gives me a backbone. Not the kind that made me want to retaliate. I did nothing at all to seek revenge on these people and did not care to but my anger for the situation helped me greatly. I thought “What the hell!! Let them talk, whatever they say is up to them, anyone can be criticized for whatever reason true or not. If I really wanted I can criticize too, I can if I want, do the same to them, they are wrong.” But I let it go. I let my anger give me life, let me rise above, even if only in my own head, instead of being the spineless jellyfish I was at first. They did not get over on me. Even though I did nothing back and never will.

And I did not get over on them. I just let it be. But in an active way.

My anger reminded me that I am equal no matter what they say. And anger, like fear, manifests in different degrees. A mild annoyance to a passionate fury.

Anger motivates us. And if we use it appropriately, it will motivate us to act/think for the better.

I want to be affected by the world and people, for good and for bad. I don’t want to build up walls. I want to feel as deeply as I can. If I feel unpleasant emotions as deeply as possible, I can feel the pleasant ones as deeply and experience the gift of life to the fullest.

Grief, loss, & rejection.

And about the pain of rejection and loss or grief. That shows us that one life or something impacted us. Touched us so deeply that we grieve over the loss or rejection. Don’t you want someone or something to impact you so deeply that it’s hard to say goodbye or hard to be pushed away? It shows that we’re open completely and that we had something to cherish at one point. And reminds us that it’s possible to feel that love again. And again. And again….

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~ A.A. Milne

It’s so much better than being numb.

Guilt. Remorse. Regret.

So many people say “I have no regrets and never will.” Advising us not to regret or feel guilt. I agree to a certain extent. It’s best not to dwell on guilt and regrets but it’s ok to have certain regrets and experience a temporary healthy level of guilt when we’re wrong. But we should (should in my opinion, I don’t like telling people what they ‘should’ do) forgive ourselves and move forward, not carrying a constant burden of guilt for life.

If we don’t have the ability to feel guilt and regret it’s possible, just like I mentioned about fear, we may occasionally act more recklessly. I’m not saying completely be a monster and destroy everything and everyone but guilt and regret can aid us in our actions sometimes.

There are some occasions we may know intellectually that something is wrong but as long as we don’t feel guilt, emotionally, we justify it.

For example: Some years ago, my sister and me went with my mom and dad on a fun trip to the Eastern State Penitentiary here in Philadelphia to learn about the old prison, historical facts and all. I saw a prison hoodie I desperately wanted. My sister did not care at first to get one as much as I did. But my dad bought her one since he bought me one. They are on the expensive side and I eventually ruined mine. My sister’s got packed away. When we were pulling stuff out to move, I found her’s. And kept it. Hoping no one would remember I ruined mine and just think that’s mine and hers went missing. Lol! At first there was no guilt. I knew intellectually it’s wrong but emotionally I couldn’t have cared less.

I’m generally not a thief and generally very honest. And in most cases I won’t do wrong stuff knowing it’s wrong even if I don’t feel guilt with my emotion. Feeling guilt isn’t just knowledge of being wrong but feeling it. Feeling it emotionally as opposed to just intellectually.

But I justified this in all ways imaginable. I told myself that I was really the one who wanted it. I wore mine more often than she wore hers til I ruined it. She did not care about it anyway, I told myself. She had it stored away. I got away with it.

But as the days would come and go, guilt crept up on me. I no longer only knew it’s wrong. I felt it. It wasn’t mine. Whether or not she really wanted her hoodie, whether or not I loved it more, the hoodie was never mine. I caved into my guilt and fessed up. My sister was pissed! She yelled at me and called me a lying thief who can never again be trusted.

And while the lying thief part was true for that occasion, it’s generally not. That doesn’t make it ok for that occasion but I did not let my guilt overcome me after I confessed. I admitted I was wrong and I eventually did what’s right.

My sister wouldn’t forgive me at first but I was able to forgive myself.

It doesn’t change what I did but at least I made it right, as right as I could after the fact.

A guilty conscience is good when you know you were really wrong!

But you can cleanse it by confessing and moving forward. Accept that you were wrong. It’s not the end of the world.

I read a self help mediation book, I forget the name, and the author said whenever she did something wrong she would say to herself, to ease her guilt “I was wrong, so sue me!”.

That’s great to a certain point!

We really shouldn’t go all out and do bad, destructive, immoral things though, just because we can say “…..so sue me!” But when we’re wrong and are genuinely sorry, we can move on or move forward.

I don’t dwell on regrets but having them is ok.

I wasn’t just wrong to my sister but to the uni-verse, to life, to the world. I don’t want to be a thief, a sneak, a liar. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to put that kind of energy out into the world. It’s not who I am deep inside and when I act out of accordance with that, my conscience reminds me and won’t let me rest until I make it right. I want to be true. True to life and goodness and all that is right. I aspire to be all that is good and right and true. I won’t always know what that is. And occasionally I know different views will clash. What’s right to me may not be to someone else. What’s right in one situation may not be in another.

But it’s ok. I will live and learn. Accept and forgive, myself and others.

I believe painful emotions are ok, good, healthy even. But in moderation. In a healthy balance.

They can also help us empathize with and understand each other better because we can draw on our own experiences.

They’re inevitable at some points. We don’t have to intentionally inflict them upon ourselves and others.

We don’t have to go searching for pain and negativity. Anyway, there will be a plentitude throughout your days without searching!

As Dr. Steve Maraboli says “When you hate something, you chain yourself to it.”

It’s true, in my opinion but it’s not to say “hating” is wrong or unnatural and that we should never feel it. It simply means not to let the negativity get over on us by Dwelling on it. If you “hate” or strongly dislike something, let it motivate you to act for the better. Let hatred allow you to reach out in love.

To better appreciate all of life.

Let your painful and unpleasant emotions and feelings guide you in life along with your pleasant emotions and feelings and aid you in your actions. And let them remind you again and again that you are alive. And that’s a beautiful gift.

Xoxo Kim

Twenty – Eight Years <3

May4

So, I turned 28 years old today(May 2!!!)! What a blessing, right?! And in honor of my twenty-eight years I decided to list twenty-eight of my favorite love quotes! I haven’t accomplished much in my twenty-eight years. Never had a “real” job; I work at a store where I worked for over seven years but it’s still somewhat of an accomplishment to have a job that long even if it’s not a “real” job. I love working there, love serving people. I did graduate college some years ago but did not have the best grades. I don’t have a lot of friends but have a couple good ones and lots of great online friends! I don’t have my own house or anything but that’s ok!
My perspective on and attitude about these things used to depress me each year when I would turn a new age. But I have tapped into some deep wisdom and now I don’t let it get to me so much.
My point is even if we haven’t really been successful in ways that society believes we should be by a certain age or that we ourselves think we should be, we’re still blessed and each year we get to turn another age, no matter how old, is a true gift!

I have been feeling very alive, so full of life, love, and gratitude. I feel as if the world is just flowing through me. I feel this way quite often but sometimes I lose touch with it. But, I always find it again.

So, here are the 28 beautiful quotes I love so much!!

1.) “Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.” ~Voltaire

2.) “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look that becomes a habit.” ~ Peter Ustinov

3.) “Love is the poetry of the senses.” ~ Honore De Balzac

4.) “Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.” ~ Madame De Stael

5.) “Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” ~ Pablo Picasso

6.) “Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own.” ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr

7.) “Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love.” ~ Leo Buscaglia

8.) “Love is all it’s cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.” ~ Erica Jong

9.) “I ne’re was struck before that hour With love so sudden and so sweet; Her face is bloomed like a sweet flower And stole my heart away complete.” ~ John Clare (English poet)

10) “But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love forever.” ~ Robert Burns

11.) “The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

12.) “I do not think that what is called Love at first sight is so great an absurdity as it is sometimes imagined to be. We generally make up our minds beforehand to the sort of person we should like, grave or gay, black, brown, or fair; with golden tresses or raven locks; — and when we meet with a complete example of the qualities we admire, the bargain is soon struck.” ~
William Hazlitt

13.) “How did the party go in Portman Square?
I cannot tell you; Juliet was not there.

And how did Lady Gaster’s party go?
Juliet was next me and I do not know.” ~Hilaire Belloc

(I love this! It’s so cute and funny! Lol I think Juliet is this person’s whole world that when she’s not there that person can’t concentrate but when she is there still, she consumes his whole awareness/attention.)
14.) ” When you are in an upsetting situation, try loving everyone involved and pray for them, hard as they may be. Loving doesn’t mean sentimentality but rather a rational esteem for them as persons.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

(if you don’t pray you can still wish them the best)

15.) “Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.” ~
William Shakespeare

16.) “You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough.”
George Augustus Moore

17.) “You never lose by loving,you lose by holding back.” ~ Barbara Deangelis

18.) “Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.” ~Charles M. Schulz

19.) “You’ll put on weight, take it off, cry at advertisements for bathroom accessories, drink too much, let pot-plants die, shout at relatives…and forget to pay the rent. But remember that people who have never had a broken heart will never understand dead roses, Tolstoy, airport lounges, Albinoni’s Adagio in G minor, neat brandy, the moon, and drizzle.” ~ Wendy Harmer

20.) “It is best to love wisely, no doubt. But to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all.” ~ William Makepeace Thackeray

21.) “‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.” ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

22.) “What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose.” ~Henry Ward Beecher

23.) “All love is sweet given or returned. Common as light is love and its familiar voice wearies not ever.” ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

24.) “To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.” ~ William Makepeace Thackeray

25.) “All, everything that I understand, I understand because of love.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

26.) What love we’ve given, we shall have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.” ~ Leo Buscaglia

27.) “The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.” ~ Jacques-Benigne Bossuet

28.) “Love unlocks doors and windows that weren’t even there before.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Love doesn’t hurt; love heals!

I believe that “love” is a feeling/emotion/affection for someone or something but it can also be a verb. An action. Whenever we reach out to help, heal, console, make the world or someone’s life better in some way, we reach out in love.

Metta.

Xoxo Kim

Twenty-Eight Years <3

May2

So, I turned 28 years old today! What a blessing, right?! And in honor of my twenty-eight years I decided to list twenty-eight of my favorite love quotes! I haven’t accomplished much in my twenty-eight years. Never had a “real” job; I work at a store where I worked for over seven years but it’s still somewhat of an accomplishment to have a job that long even if it’s not a “real” job. I love working there, love serving people. I did graduate college some years ago but did not have the best grades. I don’t have a lot of friends but have a couple good ones and lots of great online friends! I don’t have my own house or anything but that’s ok!
My perspective on and attitude about these things used to depress me each year when I would turn a new age. But I have tapped into some deep wisdom and now I don’t let it get to me so much.
My point is even if we haven’t really been successful in ways that society believes we should be by a certain age or that we ourselves think we should be, we’re still blessed and each year we get to turn another age, no matter how old, is a true gift!