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Just breathe 💙🕉

Jan31

Mozart: Canzonetta Sull’aria – YouTube song 🎵

Relaxing songs list – website

How to use 4-7-8 breathing for anxiety – website

Diaphragmatic Breathing – Short youtube video to quickly learn how to breathe most effectively

(Content/possible trigger warning ⚠️: In part of this post, I briefly & lightly mention BDSM, a kink, where people, with consent, may be t**d up, usually in a s*xual context. It’s nothing graphic that I explain but just mentioning something to do with breathing that I learned in a fiction book about BDSM, that helps with meditation. But anyone who has experienced trauma may be triggered even by non graphic things, even by seeing certain words so I may block some things out with *** It’s important to face triggers but only when ready as possible, not by suddenly seeing a post on the internet when not in the frame of mind. Also, some asexual people do not want to encounter anything that has anything to do with s*x even if they weren’t traumatized because it’s icky or repulsive to them[not prudes at all, just grossed out and/or tired of hearing about the s*x constantly when it’s not in someone’s nature to want/crave it].

I’ll put a warning before the mention of the BDSM so any trauma survivors or aces can skip it. And I will put the caution signs ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ at the end so anyone who skips can see where it ends and continue reading.)

“The 4-7-8 breathing technique, also known as ‘relaxing breath,’ involves breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds.“

This is a very simple and powerful technique to stop anxiety in its tracks. Of course, it may not work for every single person but is effective for many, if not most. For me, it works instantly.

I haven’t been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and never struggled with general anxiety but I have suffered a six month long battle with debilitating health anxiety in 2019. And in 2015 I lost my close friend unexpectedly to a heart attack and after that have struggled with bouts of anxiety off and on and fear of others I know all of a sudden dying. Every now and again but not frequently, I have this terrible suffocating fear arise that someone I know will die soon or is dying right now or will suffer an illness. It’s something that comes and goes and even though it’s not constant or usually frequent, it is difficult to bear when it does occur. It can feel like it will never end and like I am the only one in the world suffering it. I have also struggled with crippling claustrophobia, which I have conquered on my own as I frequently must get on elevators for work. It was important for me to heal it.

So while I don’t have anxiety as badly or frequently as some people and don’t currently have a disorder, I know what it’s like to be plagued by anxiety sometimes. I believe my experience with health anxiety in 2019 would have been diagnosed as a fullblown disorder if I would have asked for help. It takes extreme strength and courage to battle anxiety. It’s a display of strength and courage to live with anxiety, NOT a sign of weakness or cowardice. People with anxiety are forced to be stronger than people without anxiety have to be, yet often feel we are weak and cowardly if we are anxious and fearful. There is no way we would be surviving it each second if we were weak minded. It takes emotional and physical strength to endure. To me, it’s worse than depression and I have suffered severe depression off and on for years. It’s difficult to imagine the strength of anxiety survivors who live with it regularly. Just six months for me was nearly unbearable.

My anxiety when it arises, more often than not, manifests as physical sensations and emotions as opposed to thoughts. Because of this, mine may be easier to calm down when it does arise than if I had deeply rooted fears and thoughts.

My heart pounds, nearly out of my chest, my breathing becomes shallow, my head spins, and bolts of fear run up and down my body, heart palpitations, and I have this terrible feeling that someone I know is dying, near death, or will soon die. Sometimes it lasts off and on for days, usually just off and on in one day. It tends to be worse at night and early mornings when it is occurring. And sometimes my health anxiety for my own self tries to return and convince me I have cancer. It’s absolutely frightening and life destroying when it’s constant like in 2019. I developed uncontrollable rituals each day, incessantly checking for lumps and marks on my body. I stayed on Google day and night reading about diseases and looking at pictures of diseases I was convinced I had. It was a fullblown obsession. How I survived those six months, I still don’t know.

When it’s out of control, it’s very difficult to meditate or just breathe so best to catch it when a symptom or episode is just beginning, or beginning to worsen, or not quite as intense. When my heart begins to pound or those bolts of fear ripple up and down my body, I do the 4-7-8 breathing technique and instantly my body calms. It’s not a cure, of course, but a good way to get instant relief and if it becomes a habit, it may just be a “cure” for some or at least make anxiety less frequent. It’s just it can be difficult finding the motivation or time to make it an ingrained habit. Or for many, their anxiety is just generally too severe to be able to sit there and breathe, mindfully.

But for me, it does work. When I’m out walking, if I am hit with fear or panic or anxious sensations, I do that breathing technique. Also, I haven’t made it a habit yet but at night/morning, I listen to a peaceful song/music and do the breathing technique even if I am not currently anxious. It’s very pleasant and can prevent anxiety. It instills in me a peaceful sensation all throughout.

One thing to be mindful of is if we meditate only infrequently or haven’t in a while, meditation may bring out more fear or anxiety or anger or sadness or grief…, because we have emotions and responses to everyday life and certain experiences already inside us and often pent up. Meditation will loosen it up and bring it all to the surface/consciousness like a plunger loosening all the contents in a sink or toilet. Lol It may make it seem like meditation or mindfulness is a bad thing or just not for us. But could just be we have to meditate more often. Everyday we experience things and our emotional reactions no matter how serious or not, build up. We get cut off in traffic, we drop things, we spill coffee on our white shirt, we see someone almost get hit by a car running across a street, we hear a loud noise that startles us, our coworker says something that ticks us off, we may remember someone dying years ago and feel current distress or sadness about it…all of our emotional reactions to these things stay inside us even if we quickly forget them. Then meditation brings it all out later and we may feel the stress, anger, fear for a while after a meditation session but it’s actually a good thing as all those emotions need a release.

Shoulder blade squeeze

As I mention when promoting breathing exercises, I suggest people who are physically able to, as long as it’s safe for them, do the shoulder blade exercise at the beginning to open up the airways and make breathing easier and deeper.

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ Content Warning ⚠️⚠️ ⚠️

Some years ago, I read a fiction legal thriller series of books by Stephen Penner, for fun and learned an invaluable life tip. In one of the books, the medical examiner, character, Dr. Kat Anderson, explained that putting our arms back like that opens the chest cavity and helps us breathe better. In the book a woman was accidentally killed by her man while they were engaging in BDSM, a kink where they tie each other up and stuff; it looks and sounds violent but is usually safe and is one hundred percent consensual.

The characters were hooking up and he tied her arms back with her consent and he accidentally killed her. The doctor explained how she would have died sooner if not for her arms being tied back like that. The reason she died is he choked her (with her consent) and since her arms were back, she was breathing better so lived longer. I realized I can do that before meditations to make me breathe more deeply and just randomly throughout the day and then a professional fitness trainer told me the same thing, to do that all day, everyday. It aids in our breathing.

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️END⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️

So put your arms straight at your sides then lift them to your waist, bend the elbows and squeeze shoulder blades for five seconds then loosen for a few seconds then do the same again however many sessions you see fit. Don’t shrug your shoulders while squeezing the shoulder blades. That isn’t necessary and may not be safe or effective.

This is only for people who can safely do this, don’t have pain or physical limitations, have arms…I understand this isn’t for everyone. I think the average person can do this though. Remember for counting seconds, 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi….I learned this is elementary school just saying one two three is less than a second so put the Mississippi after and it’s closest to one second. 😁

This song in the YouTube video above, Mozart: Canzonetta Sull’aria, is one of my favorite ones to meditate to. It’s beautiful and peaceful and scientifically shown to be one of the most relaxing songs on Earth. Weightless – ten hour version or Weightless – eight minutes version is the actual most relaxing (scientifically proven) and I love that one too. But this one is a bit too relaxing and can make us sleepy or go to sleep. I’m not always trying to go to sleep after meditation. Sometimes I’m meditating in the morning or afternoon or out walking or before work and Weightless isn’t a good idea those occasions. But it’s great right before sleep or if it doesn’t matter if we are sleepy.

When breathing, only the abdomen should move, not the chest. And breathing should always be inhaling through the nose with the stomach expanding and exhaling through the mouth with stomach deflating. It’s called diaphragmatic breathing and does matter. It’s the proper way to breathe, the most healthy, but most of us don’t breathe that way and our breathing is shallow. Diaphragmatic breathing is best for coping with pain and anxiety and just the healthiest in all of life.

Remember to breathe as slowly and deeply as possible, especially breathing out. It takes practice. And remember to gently bring your wandering mind back to breath. That takes practice too. Everyone without exception will have a wandering mind, even those experienced with meditation. It’s just the nature of the human mind. It’s not a flaw or something worthy of self criticism. It’s just important to catch it as best as we can because before we know it our allotted meditation time is over and was taken up daydreaming of our lunch later, or some task at work tomorrow, or stores we have to visit. Again, not a flaw! And not an indication that we aren’t good at mediation. It happens to everyone who tries to meditate or do breathwork. It’s just important to get into the habit of catching it as much as possible for mediation to be most effective.

Anyone who tries meditation or breathwork is successful. Just taking that step to better our own self and be better for those around us is an accomplishment.

Hugs, love, inner peace, and light to all! 💗

Xoxo Kim

Got anxiety? 💜

Dec31

Got anxiety? 💜

(Caution ⚠️ Someone messaged me and said this video I made triggers headaches in some so please watch with Caution or not at all if you have any health issues that may be triggerd – I did put a caution even before someone said that because things like this can trigger sensory issues and seizures in some and probably various other things as well)

Just watch this video I made with glitchlabapp , mirrorlabapp , and movee and take deep, slow breaths. Breathe in slowly, through the nose for four seconds (1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi) while the abdomen expands. Hold for seven seconds (1 Mississippi-7 Mississippi), then breathe out even more slowly, through the mouth, for eight seconds while the ab gets flat. Focus on breath and when the mind wanders, gently bring it back to breath. It will wander even for those experienced with meditation & breathwork. I would recommend bending your arms at the elbows and squeezing shoulder blades together if you’re physically able to and safely, before beginning the exercise. It opens up the airways/chest and makes breathing easier. Also, for those inexperienced, it’s easiest to lay down and hardest to be standing.

This often works instantly to calm down or feel a sense of inner peace, stop tremors, and heart racing, even if not done properly. Takes practice and persistence to get it down perfectly. But all it takes is a few seconds for results. May not work for everyone.

Anyone with sensory issues or seizure issues or any other extra/special needs maybe shouldn’t watch this video and anyone with physical limitations or pain maybe shouldn’t try the shoulder blade exercise. These things should only be done if you know you can do them safely.

Anxiety can be a fullblown disorder or just a mood we all experience on occasion throughout life. It can be mild to severe and can manifest in various ways, physical sensations, tremors, feelings of fear or panic, heart palpitations, difficulty sleeping, a deathly feeling…it’s different on different occasions and different for everyone and it’s never pleasant and is very, very common.

Sending love, peace, & light to all, xoxo 💛🕉

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

Marilyn’s Diary 💜

Nov14


(This is a pic I took of a picture of Marilyn Monroe and I edited my pic with glitch apps – Glitch photography is my favorite hobby!)

“Sex is a baffling thing when it doesn’t happen. I used to wake up in the morning, when I was married, and wonder if the whole world was crazy, whooping about sex all the time. It was like hearing all the time that stove polish was the greatest invention on Earth.
Then it dawned on me that people – other women – were different than me. They could feel things I couldn’t. And when I started reading books I ran into the words ‘frigid,’ ‘rejected,’ and ‘lesbian.’ I wondered if I was all three of those things.

A man who had kissed me once had said it was very possible I was a lesbian because I apparently had no response to males — meaning him. I didn’t contradict him because I didn’t know what I was. There were times even when I didn’t feel human and times when all I could think of was dying. There was also the sinister fact that a well-made woman had always thrilled me to look at.”

“Why I was a siren, I hadn’t the faintest idea. There were no thoughts of sex in my head. I didn’t want to be kissed, and I didn’t dream of being seduced by a duke or a movie star. The truth was that with all my lipstick and mascara and precarious curves, I was unsensual as a fossil. But I seemed to affect people quite otherwise.”

“I have noticed since that men usually leave married women alone, and are inclined to treat all wives with respect. This is no great credit to married women. Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. The reason most wives, even pretty ones, wear such a dull look is because they’re respected so much.
Maybe it was my fault that the men in the factory tried to date me and buy me drinks. I didn’t feel like a married woman. I was completely faithful to my overseas husband, but that wasn’t because I loved him or even because I had moral ideas. My fidelity was due to my lack of interest in sex.”

I love, love, LOVE these quotes attributed to Marilyn Monroe! Said to be found in a journal of hers that no one knew about. There is some debate about whether she was a homosexual woman or maybe an asexual woman. (Asexual meaning a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender- It’s an orientation[an uncommon one] like heterosexuality or homosexuality, for example, and common for asexual people to have no sex drive and not like/want sexual activity, and there are also asexual people who do like/want sexual activity and have a sex drive, just not directed at anyone in particular – They are called sex favorable asexuals, aces who don’t care about sexual activity either way, can go happily forever without it but may accept an offer, are called sex indifferent, and aces who will not try sexual activity or try it and are repulsed and don’t want it ever are called sex repulsed asexuals – all of these are equally asexual and equally valid – It is a destructive misconception that asexuality means wanting no sex – it means experiencing sexual attraction much less frequently than the average person, some experience it not at all and not all but most aces grow up asexual. Very common for aces to not want sexual activity at all ever but also ones who love it or engage in it for other purposes- There are asexual sex workers and promiscuous asexual people and I support them all!).

“An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction – they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are, just like other sexual orientations. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or better; we just face a different set of needs and challenges than most sexual people do. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community in the needs and experiences often associated with sexuality including relationships, attraction, and arousal.” Asexuality.org

Ironically Marilyn was viewed as a sex symbol, very sexy, and very sexual and believed to be very into men. (And there is nothing wrong with a woman being very sexual and into men and being promiscuous and expressing her sexuality! It’s a great way to be! I support all women and women freely expressing their sexuality how they please. 💜) But according to some of the things said to be written in her journal, she wasn’t into men at all. People assume that because a woman dresses and carries herself a certain way, it’s automatically for men or automatically sexual. But believe it or not, some women love and are sexually attracted to other women. And some don’t love anyone that way and/or are attracted to no one and are not sexual beings at all(some who are on the asexual spectrum and the aromantic spectrum[little to no romantic attraction to anyone of any gender]).

And many women dress how we do for our own selves! I know, shocking, right?! Everything we do doesn’t revolve around men and/or sex. Sorry. Not sorry. But it’s twisted how society is so sex crazed and heterosexist/heteronormative and projects it onto us all. It’s a perversion. People sexualize little girls who wear leggins and short shirts/gymnastics clothing and that is repulsive. Little girls dress like that because they like it and the clothes are comfy and cute. Anyone who says otherwise is perverted and sexualizing them. And they do this to us at every age. Nothing wrong with an age appropriate woman dressing to express her sexuality but not all who dress a certain way are!

It’s hard to tell if her attraction to women was purely aesthetic or sexual. Aesthetic attraction is loving to look at someone because of how the person looks. Some people are homoaesthetic and love to check out people of their own gender but there is no desire to touch or have any kind of sexual contact with them. It’s like looking at a beautiful sunset or landscape or flowers….Often sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction go together but some developed the aesthetic attraction without the sexual aspect. Homosexual women, for example, are usually inherently homoaesthetic (love to look at/check out other women) but ace girls and straight girls can be too. And it’s possible for a homosexual woman to prefer looking at men than women. So heteroaesthetic. Or possibly bi/panaesthetic if they love looking at men and women and/or people of other genders. This is true for any genders. I’m using women as an example because I’m a woman myself. But men can love looking at other men whether or not they are sexually attracted to them. And homosexual men can love looking at women. Some even love boobs. Lol

To me this sounds more like she was asexual with no sex drive (not a disorder, just another way to be – usually no or low sex drive is the result of a dysfunction or illness or is a dysfunction but in the case of Asexual people, it’s not and is part of being asexual for that person, same with sex repulsion; if someone is sex repulsed that may be the result of trauma or a negative experience or unhealthy upbringing/religious views but when asexual people are sex repulsed, it’s usually just part of being asexual for that person; not all asexual people are sex repulsed though) but she very well could have been homosexual but since she grew up in a heterosexist/heteronormative society and believed she was supposed to like men, never even realized that there was another possibility for her – being attracted to women. So she mistook her lack of interest in men as a lack of interest in sexual activity itself or completely.

As little girls, we are constantly told we like boys or will grow up liking boys/men. By everyone, friends, parents, teachers, family members, the media, boys/men…even today, little girls are still expected to grow up and marry or “end up with” a man. We are automatically asked “Do you have a boyfriend/husband?” “Who/when was your first boyfriend/kiss/crush?” As if we necessarily must have had a kiss or want one or have had a crush(some people don’t have crushes or fall in love romantically and are called aromantic – some aros do rarely have crushes or fall in love and some never do) or as if women by default love men and love sexual activity with men. And are met with shock, surprise, confusion, sometimes outright denial or insults if we say never, or that we’re not into that, or are same-sex/gender oriented. Yes, even in 2020, some people cannot handle diversity, homosexuality, or anything other than cis heterosexuality. Many women who are not into men, sexually/romantically, force themselves into relationships/encounters with men just to appear or “be normal.” And some are confused and genuinely believe for a while that they must be hetero/straight since it’s programed into us since birth that we like boys/men. Some women don’t realize til much later that they never liked men that way. (Of course, some women who aren’t attracted to men engage in sexual activity with men because they genuinely want to for any reason and that is ok! No one says we have to be attracted to someone to engage in sexual activity with them. I’m referring to those who force it or are confused into it.)

Men send us “dick pics” without even knowing if we like men or male assigned sex organs, assuming we do or that if we don’t, they can “fix” us, straighten us out.

(This post isn’t about what some men do to women[and some women also do things to men that is wrong]; that’s just an example; this post is about a larger issue of what society does to people who are not heterosexual/straight/cis, particularly women since Marilyn is a woman and so am I)

It’s not unheard of for a homosexual or asexual woman to hear “I can turn you straight.” Cishet women are not invalidated this way. No one expects her to turn homo or ace the way they expect & or hope an ace woman or homosexual woman will turn straight. Heterosexuality is validated just by its existence and prevalence. Cishet girls and women don’t have to feel emotionally coerced into sexual activity and romantic relationships with other women and have their identities invalidated by society, friends, family, everyone. (Though, tragically, many, if not most, heterosexual women ARE emotionally [and even physically forced] coerced into sexual activity with men, often boyfriends/husbands/dates/romantic interests…and this is a serious problem that is also not ok and very destructive to the women it happens to – It’s just as bad as being assaulted by a stranger out on a street and it’s much more common and often “normalized,” which is absolutely wrong)

Society doesn’t give us the possibility of growing up liking girls or not liking anyone that way or just wanting to be single no matter who we are attracted to or not attracted to. When we’re perpetually single, we’re constantly nagged about why and having people incessantly trying to set us up on dates or for romantic relationships as if we aren’t worthy or whole on our own, as if we’re a pathetic existence to be pitied by everyone around us and society as a whole. We see/hear the jokes and ridicule towards people who aren’t “getting any,” are “still single,” and “need to get laid.”

Women often hear: “You need to get yourself a man/a good man.”

Any so called flaw we may display, we are met with “No wonder you’re still single,” as if single is inherently wrong or bad.

Homophobia is much less common now, thankfully! Society (at least U.S. society) is very accepting of homosexuality now; many are even appalled by homophobia. There are many cishet allies who speak out against homophobia. It is still around, for sure, but much less common.

But we still have a serious issue with heteronormativity or heterosexism, assuming that everyone is straight, straight by default, ignoring lgbt identities and couples….this is destructive to lgbt and asexual youth and adults.

How many of us have had a little friend who is a boy when we were little and have a teacher or neighbor say “aww you have a little boyfriend?” That may seem innocent enough but it’s not so innocent when we already know we aren’t into boys. How many women, no matter our orientation, have been close friends or casual acquaintances with a man, one hundred percent purely platonic and have people “suspicious” that we’re actually together or interested romantically/sexually in each other or people straight up tell us they “know” we’re “seeing” or screwing each other whether we say so or not? And flat out tell us we’re lying when we say he’s a friend. Or right away when we are with a man “Is that your boyfriend?” But when we’re with a girl, no one asks “Is that your girlfriend?”

Very invalidating to platonic friendships which are just as beautiful as romantic ones.

And very invalidating & destructive to women who aren’t even into men that way. There is a suffocating sense of exclusion, of being invisible for many of those who turn out not cishet or straight, adults and youth alike.

Women & girls are incessantly demanded in medical settings to get pregnancy tests without being questioned to see if it’s necessary and are not believed/are invalidated if we explain that it’s not. Cis Heterosexuality is inherently favored just to be “on the safe side.” Most women are cis heterosexual. There are also bisexual & pansexual women who are sexually attracted to men. And some homosexual & asexual women do engage in sexual activity with men for various reasons(which is completely ok if they freely choose it). So in medical settings it’s safest to force or demand a pregnancy test(& other tests that may not be very necessary for certain asexual women – the pap test and hpv or other sti test that is centered primarily around sexual contact – It’s like an obsession that ignores ace women who are & have always been & always will be celibate & have no gyn issues or symptoms of anything – trying to force an allo identity onto someone or some aspect of another identity that doesn’t apply). It’s invalidating and erases the identities of homosexual & asexual women (or any woman in a monogamous romantic/sexual relationship with another woman) who don’t engage in sexual activity with men, possibly never have, and have no intention to. If we tell them there is no way we can have an sti(in the case of a celibate asexual person) or be pregnant (in the case of an asexual or homosexual woman who does not engage in sexual activity with men), they sometimes have the nerve to tell us that there is no way we can be sure. As if there is no such thing as a virgin, a celibate person, or a lesbian, or other woman who hasn’t engaged in sexual activity with men recently or at all (bi or pan women in relationships with other women, for example).
It may be safest and necessary overall but that doesn’t take away the pain of being erased in favor of another identity. Just one of the challenges growing up as an identity that isn’t cishet. Some aspects are no one’s fault but that doesn’t erase the pain, the sense of exclusion, the loneliness sometimes accompanied by being different than the average person in a seemingly significant way.

Allosexuality/Heterosexuality is automatically forced upon us all. And for most people, this is not painful or invalidating or erasure. It’s not exclusion to them and not suffocating because they are heterosexual (or allosexual, which is anyone who is not asexual so this includes cishets and lgbt people – it means people who experience sexual attraction, which is almost everyone, 99 percent of people) and don’t give it a second thought.

It’s invalidating. And anxiety provoking. It “confirms” that we’re not “right.” It erases our identity and tries to force another one upon us. One that is unnatural to us, foreign, one that makes no sense.

And when we don’t fit this mold or “one size fits all,” we grow up confused, repressing, mortified, scared, maybe even suicidal.

Yes, heterosexism/heteronormativity can contribute to depression, anxiety, & suicidal tendencies in some of those who are not hetero/straight. It’s erasure, societal abuse, invalidation. And in the case of asexuality, it’s not exactly anyone’s fault as no one really knows asexual people exist. Asexual people do not even know asexual people exist and grow up utterly confused, mortified, many feeling broken. But I suspect even if most people did know, they would still ignore, exclude, and invalidate asexual people as they do homosexual people. Everyone knows homosexual women exist. Yet every woman gets asked “Do you have a boyfriend/husband?” Or gets sent a dick pic or is demanded to take a pregnancy test during medical checkups, or asked out by men without being asked if she even likes men that way. Or just gets any remarks made, questions asked that assumes she loves men or sex with men.

I think Marilyn was all of these things, anxious, depressed, suicidal…at different points.

But whatever her experience, it seems like Miss Marilyn was very misunderstood. I can strongly relate to her in some ways. One thing I love about Marilyn Monroe is how it seems like every one of us or so many can see some part of our own self in her, no matter our background or experiences. Some relate to her through experience with physical illness, some through psychiatric illness, some through shared experiences with sexuality, some through similar experiences with abuse or body image or self love…or any other thing. It’s like there’s something in her for all of us, something that speaks to us in a way that only the two of us can understand, something unique to us but completely understood by her, like she lovingly holds up a shattered mirror and there’s a jagged piece for each one of us, holding us in its knowing reflection.


If anyone reads this, thanks for reading!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 😁

Xoxo Kim 💜

Baby❤

May27

I haven’t posted here in a while and decided to update. Here is a pic of my (somewhat) new baby, Ralphie! He came to live with us a couple months ago. He is a happy, playful boy and slobbers a lot & gives lots of kisses! He loves humans & animals.

Isn’t he just adorable?!❤❤❤

I would like to start posting more here again! My photo space is getting full. I’ll have to start paying to get more!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!💚

Xoxo Kim🐾❤💜

It’s a confession session!!😁

Jun13

“You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright”

Making love out of nothing – air supply

I wrote this like three weeks ago(??) but just posting it now. I have been in the throes of a deep, dark depression. It really had a firm hold on me. This is the longest & worst one in years. It’s like something crushing my whole body. My head felt like a pancake. Like something so heavy, flattening it. These episodes used to last for months then began only lasting a couple weeks. This one is over a month now and so intense. I have not been handling this as well as I usually handle them. Also if you read this post, you will see I mention a friend who is no longer my friend. Maybe we are still friends but it’s not like it used to be. I have been struggling with this grief. Not grief like when someone dies but a kind of grief for something that isn’t the same anymore. Thank you for the sweet comments!! I will get back to you. My head has been so heavy, I was hardly able to see straight. There are so many things to be happy about and I am and still genuinely laugh & smile but underneath it all, there was this emptiness, loneliness, sorrow, pain, this purposelessness. This Sickness crushing my existence. It’s extremely rare for me to say/think negative things about myself even when im depressed. But with this depression, I have been. I felt like this episode was trying to end but then something kept pulling me back into it. It’s like quicksand pulling me and the more I struggled, the deeper it pulled me in. But at least it’s not my physical pain disorder acting up(it does off & on but nothing very serious recently), which is worse than this in a way.

Two days ago was the first full day in forty days that I had no suicidal thoughts/urges/contemplation. It was gray outside & rainy but I felt like the sun was shining on me non stop all day & night. I couldnt stop smiling.

I am generally very happy but with recurring episodes of severe depression, usually for no reason.

It seems I am coming out of this depression now. It started to lift but I can still feel the aftermath of it. Like if you have ever had a bad cold or influenza and it’s over or about to be you can still feel the effects of it. I have been hit hard. After over a month of thick, heavy layers upon layers of nearly debilitating depression, my body has some healing to do. But my sense of self is stronger again. It feels like if Im not careful, it can pull me back in as Im not completely healed yet. So I have to be mindful of it for a while and be especially careful of triggers. This thing is just like any physical illness that can flare up. No matter what anyone says or believes about it, I am convinced it’s a disease. I know what it does to me, not just my mood and thought process but my physical body as well. It is a disease. But I still have the ability to make choices that can help it.

This post is long so I want to add more pics so here is one of me on June 5th, I think. I was happy to be in a park on a sunny & breezy day with my best friend furever (my dog[actually she isnt mine but i love her the same]).

So here is my post(written three weeks ago).

Ok, so I have a confession! Very awkward lol

I have been severely depressed & suicidal since May 3, 2018. It’s bad. It was triggered by an external factor (not like some big incident, just someone who was my good friend for many years and my closest friend is not my friend anymore [he replaced me with someone else; it happened gradually over the last few months and the depression hit me hard that day & is ongoing- it’s not his fault Im suicidal & depressed though as no one but me is responsible for my happiness]and now I have no one and it has completely devastated my whole life) and now just took on a life of its own. Two of the most annoying symptoms are, nothing has any flavor and I cant concentrate on anything. Also, forget about sleeping! There is this devastating sense of complete worthlessness & lack of purpose. Like theres no reason for me to be here in this world and im stuck here and no matter what I do, there is no point and like it will always be this way. My existence is totally worthless. Often when a depressive episode hits, I can tell myself it’s just an illness lying to me, not really that Im worthless but with this one, it’s hard. It seems like it’s not really an illness afflicting me but true pointlessness/worthlessness. There is external evidence. And on top of it, I cant taste anything. Everything is so bland. It’s like everything is covered with something.

Certain songs still inspire me and bring some sense of life into the numbness like the song sung by Air Supply Im sharing here. But everything else is blah. Im sharing this song because it deeply inspires me. It seems like a sad breakup song but just look at those lyrics!

“Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost
And it’s looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I’ve gotta follow it“

Isn’t this so beautiful? This person is a light for someone else even in his/her own pain and even when they are no longer together.

The man is singing to someone who has experienced great pain and can take the darkness & use it to become light. He is inspired even though this person seems to have left him. How incredibly beautiful & deeply inspiring!

Everything has become a hassle. I struggle to do simple, mundane things like walking. It’s taking the life right out of me.

And I have lost much of my sense of self. I have also been experiencing anger, which is not typical of me even when I’m depressed. But now Im walking around harboring anger, some occasions more than others. It’s not even really directed at anyone or anything specifically but does tend to show in my interactions with people. Im not unhappy with my whole life in general; it was one thing and like I said, now became a thing of its own and so Im taking it out on everything and not thankful for anything good I have. It’s not fury, just ordinary anger. I dont know what to do because there isn’t anything specifically I want to change necesarily. It’s just everywhere I go, I am surrounded in darkness & crushed by some invisible thing. Im in a different world than everyone else. This is not my choice and not merely a bad mood.

All of my passion is gone. I used to love walking, working, being out & about, now it’s all just an obligation that I have to force myself to do. I know my love for it is still here somewhere and can feel it but it’s now dormant. Even my dogs sense something wrong with me and try to make me better. And I push them away. So they try harder. It’s funny & cute.

It is possible to be very depressed and still have a positive attitude about it. And usually I do. But with this one, I have the absolute WORST attitude about it. I choose to. I’m making a choice in each moment to approach this battle with a lousy attitude. Lol At least im admitting it!

I’m so done with this life. Im not even waiting for this episode to end because I really dont think it’s going to.

My mom wants me to go to a hospital but I’m not.

I am still my very easily amused self though! That hasnt changed at all. I still have genuine belly laughs everyday! And my smile is sincere. Even though Im deeply depressed, I am not miserable or gloomy or bitter. Some people think when depressed people smile, joke, or laugh, it’s a coverup to hide the pain. But im not trying to hide anything. If I was, then I wouldnt be posting this. I am just naturally lighthearted & cheerful even when my whole body is heavy with depression. Not all of us are fakes. Depressed people can still smile & laugh & love for real.

I must admit that I still have things to be joyful about and they do bring me joy but even that true joy doesnt make me want to live. I still savor the moments of simple joy. Each occasion Im with a furball, a cool breeze on a hot day, all the Spring flowers (I sometimes stop to inhale the scents, so beautiful), a belly laugh, saying hello to a friendly stranger…it’s not the same though, with depression.

As bad as this depression is, one of the worst I have ever experienced, for sure, it is not the worst thing I ever felt. Grief and cluster-like headaches are worse (at least to me) even though grief & loss and those physical headaches dont usually contribute to me wanting to die and this severe depression does. Interesting right?! This somewhat lesser pain gets me wanting to die more than more severe pain. It’s a different kind of pain though. It doesnt always have to do with severity level but the kind it is.

This depression sucks but sure is better than those headaches! At this moment, I would choose this over those devastating, horrifying headaches.

I recently came across some things that surprised and amused and inspired me.

I found this one during a very difficult struggle last week, I think(I have no sense of time anymore), walking up the street in the rain. I was desperate for anything to ease my mind and right then, I saw a fortune cookie, broken, on the ground. I picked up the pieces and read the fortune before eating the cookie! Lol jk I did read the fortune but did not eat the cookie!

I laughed out loud because it’s so coincidental and perfect for my situation. It’s true that people want us to succeed, even strangers! People are always stopping to help others and sending gifts to those in need in the midst of tragedies, donating blood and money and other things. Anyway, it doesnt matter if people are rooting for us or not but the thing is, they are!

One day, I was in a car thinking about killing myself just as I looked over and saw this. Lol

I was at a subway recently (not to kill myself but for a different reason) and it was on my mind and then I saw this. Im not calling the number but I love the message. ❤

I told my mom and she is 100% convinced they are some sort of supernatural “signs” that I should stay in the world. I dont believe in signs like that at all. To me, they are coincidences. But I was still happy to see them.

My mom was angry at me because she was talking to me and I got angry and started saying negative things. She recently called my friend, the one who replaced me, a rude word, only to me, not to his face, and then later while talking to me again about something else, I brought it up and said it was rude of her to call him that and that she probably thinks it of me also. And my sister was also angry at me because she was concerned about me (i was out late one night without my phone n she thought I got murdered and i had like 20 annoying messages)and I told her to fuck off. She then told me to go fuck my self. Lol I was amused when she said it to me. My mom said we have terrible language. I rarely talk like this! Im posting this so people can see the truth, that im not sweet, kind, and beautiful like people seem to think. Im not constantly angry and rude or snippy like this, more often I’m not. I still smile at strangers and say hello and want to help people in need. So it’s not that im like a horrible monster or psycho. But im also not beautiful and pleasant like im often mistaken for.

It feels that something has invaded me, invaded my body, my existence, my whole life. A dark, heavy cloud or quilt just hangs over me everywhere I go. It weighs on me physically. I have felt the life force drained right out of me and dont know that I will ever get it back. I dont know that I will ever be the happy girl I was. This is my life now. This isnt a usual episode of suicidal depression that I have occasionally. Those are nothing new. They come and go and Im generally happy. This thing is worse. This one has ruined me.

My body has never been so sick. It’s like each part of me weighs 1000 pounds. It feels like my body is producing extra blood and making me extra heavy and hard to move. My ass drags. Lol Im not trying to be funny but I did just make myself laugh with that.

“Now maybe someday the suns gonna shine
Flowers will bloom and all will be fine
But nothing’ll grow on this burnt cursed ground
‘Cause the breath of the death is the only sound“

A strange thing is, somehow, deep inside, I have have this suspicion. I suspect that I can & will get better, that I can be that girl again. The happy girl, full of life, passion. It’s just this faint inkling deep within that I really do have what it takes to get back to myself, to not live in darkness, in pain, in emptinenss. I know it’s my responsibility to get better. But I dont care to embrace that small spark of hope. I dont have the motivation, the strength to hope or try to fix. I have this angry tenacity that wants to extinguish that speck of hope, that glimpse of Knowing. I want to drown it and just disappear forever. But I can feel it here.

(Me today)

Fun fact: I dont care what I look like anymore (I was never overly concerned even when Im not depressed – I go out in pjs sometimes and with no makeup n ratty hair!😁) or what clothes I wear. (This surely isnt the fun part!) Getting a shower & dressed in the morning is just a big hassle. But it has to be done, right? So heres the fun part! I just reached into my clothes to pull out any random shirt and the one I happened to get is my one & only suicide prevention/HOPE shirt! Lol So I wore it n walked around all day feeling like a hypocrite.

Here is me recently in my “STAY” shirt! A while ago, over a year ago, I was in a depressive state and wondering if I should stay or go and was actually thinking those exact words when I looked up and saw a heart painted on a wall with the word “STAY” just like this one. I was inspired & found it heartwarming and love the heart! It inspired me so much & I carried it with me then coincidentally, a while later, I actually met the girl who put it there, in person! Amazing! I told her how much her work inspires me, especially the STAY heart and as a gift, she have me this shirt, a pin, & a print all with this heart!❤

And one last thing, on a more positive note, I totally conquered my debilitating fear being on an elevator alone! I did!! I even fulfilled my dream! Lol Usually we probably think of big things like educations and jobs and stuff when we hear/read about dreams being fulfilled. This one is simple but to me it was very important. There is one elevator that really scared me more than the rest, just looking at it. And it’s very slow. I truly believed I would never ever be able to get onto that one alone, even after recovery. Somehow I recovered enough to get onto that one alone! Without any fear!! Holy guacamole! Lol🤣😂😙

So, to sum it all up: im depressed & suicidal and often in complete despair and have been for like nearly a month and it’s not necessarily that I dont think it can get better but just that I dont even have the motivation or strength to try to get better. It takes everything out of me. Usually, I just let them run their course and they get better on their own along with my positive attitude and personal development techniques that help them along. But Im just about sure this one isnt going anywhere on its own and on top of it, my attitude about it sucks and im doing nothing to help it. Ultimately, it’s up to me to get myself better. It doesnt feel like it can or will ever get better but some part of me Knows it can. I dont know if it’s even worth it to keep going or try anything to help me.

(Lol I see this on a wall everyday & it resonates with me in my depression.)

It’s like im so worthless it’s not worth keeping me alive. This is true. I really dont know if I am going to win this battle with this one.

I know it’s my choice though and that this is no one’s fault or responsibility but my own. I dont know if I will muster the strength to win this battle. I really may not survive this one like I always do. I don’t see a point in me surviving & keep not wanting to even if it can get better. I keep wanting everything to end, good & bad alike. This is very, very bad. This one is kicking my ass good!!

This is an awkward post, right?! But it’s real and it’s good to post the good & the bad (if we dont mind sharing!) so people can see we arent all one or the other. And my main reason for posting this is in case it can help someone else in any way. It may help to read about someone else’s experience & these sweet messages here!

(Lol! Ok. When I saw this “hang in there you pussy,” it really made me want to hang on if even just a little bit longer. I laughed myself to sleep, genuinely amused. It may be a bit inappropriate but definitely lightens my mood. A suicide prevention person shared it. Kind of appalling to call us pussies while advocating suicide prevention [like wth?] but still funny.)

Just so everyone knows, I am not in any way dangerous to anyone else at all. I only want myself to die and if I ever do choose to go, it will be a way that will not in any way hurt or interfere with anyone else. No matter how low I sink, I never want to hurt/kill anyone else, physically or psychologically(so I wont kill myself in public with anyone around or any way that involves or potentially involves others like in traffic/train/jumping). If there is even the slightest chance anyone else (human, animal, or insect) can be hurt physically or suffer psychological damage of witnessing the act or being involved in any way, I will not choose that method. I prefer to live in agony than hurt others. I have absolutely no desire to hurt/kill/traumatize anyone and also I know it’s wrong morally &/or legally. Even when I sink to the lowest depth of my despair(like lately), I still have my wit about me enough to know it is wrong to hurt others. I love everyone!! I won’t hurt you!!❤ I’m responsible. I am not homicidal and not a psycho and have no urge to go on a rampage. Never have. I want my own pain & worthlessness to end. That is all. And I am not going to “snap” & go on a killing spree. There is no such thing as “snapping.” That is a myth. I cherish/value all life, just not my own now. Most of us aren’t a threat to others but we still have people who think we are.

I wish you, anyone who may be reading this, the best and hope you are surrounded in love & light & beauty. If you’re struggling hard like I am, then as you can see, you arent alone in the struggle. I am here. (Not for long hopefully, lol jk) Much love & light, always…

P.s. June 13, 2018 – I dont mind having this disease. I like what it teaches/reminds me and how it deepens my empathy and how it strengthens me after weakening me. And I just love so very much, the feeling of it lifting. It’s like a whole new world. It is totally worth living in deep, oppressive darkness for weeks or months just for the few days of the feeling of it lifting. What a gift!! So beautiful. Depression is not my enemy. It’s my teacher, my disease, my gift, part of me and I embrace it. Of course it’s easier to say this when I’m not in the midst of it. I wasn’t always able to say this but now I can. Also, if this post is full of spelling or any other errors, I wasn’t in my right mind when I wrote most of it. Lol Maybe I’m going to survive this battle after all?

xoxo Kim ❤

Two new best furiends 😍😻

Apr13

(The adorable paw here belongs to one of my best furiends, Anish!🐾😍)

I have two new bestfriends!! What an honor! And Im just sharing the great news here! They have fur & four legs and tails!! Im a petsitter and this job brings with it such deep pain (knowing & loving so many, many animals means experiencing many devastating losses through the years) but also such deep love & joy. And here, Im sharing a bit of that love & joy.

We have a new family as clients now and they have two adorable & sweet dogs, Lenny & Louie. I will be their primary petsitter three days a week! I just met them a few nights ago and their mom told them that im going to be their new best friend! They already love me! (And of course I love them!!) Louie gives me a bunch of kisses! Lenny is super sweet as well; he’s just not much of a kisser, at least not with me yet.

They are so adorable! We dont have permission to take photos of them. Some people reject permission like in this case. So I cant share any photos of them but just know, they are cuties! Lol 😊

It’s so good to celebrate & share the goodness!

What good things do you have to celebrate today? Nothing is too trivial to celebrate & give thanks for! You can share here in the comments or just savor it in your own mind. ❤

Much love (& hugs!!),

Xoxo Kim