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Random Inspiration #1

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“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.” ~
Frances Hodgson Burnett

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It’s a rainy day today here in Philadelphia and I stopped to capture some raindrops on a flower! Even though it’s Fall there’s still some living (but drooping) and vibrant flowers.

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Every day one should at least hear one little song, read one good poem, see one fine painting and — if at all possible — speak a few sensible words.” ~
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonders.” ~ Andrew Harvey

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“You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read. That is why you must look at the skies. That is why you must sing, and dance, and write poetry. And suffer. And understand. For all that is life.” ~
Jiddu Krishnamurti

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“You must learn day by day, year by year to broaden your horizon. The more
things you love, the more you are interested in, the more you enjoy, the more
you are indignant about, the more you have left when anything happens.”
~Ethel Barrymore

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“To see is to forget the name of the thing one sees.” ~ attributed to
Paul Valéry

😀

Xoxo Kim

Fun facts about meeee <3

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I saw a random blog challenge “get to know me facts” and I love to get to know people and love listing random, useless, but fun facts about me! So here goes!

I did a couple of these before too.
;-D

1.) I love dogs (and all animals) and have six! Three boys and three girls. They are my princes and my princesses! They are the center of my universe and are the most spoiled little things! Four of them sleep in bed with me regularly at night and sometimes five do. They steal my blankets and pillows and it’s annoying but also adorable and I let them keep them. I’m quite serious when I say my world revolves around them. Lol I usually make sure whatever food I’m eating is safe for dogs so when they’re begging I can give them some even if I prefer a different kind of food that they can’t have! My family celebrates their birthdays and all the anniversaries when they were adopted or came to live with us! They get their own Christmas stocking and everything they want. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

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2.) I’m a very shy extrovert but probably live more like an introvert. I would love being surrounded with people day and night if I had the opportunity but I can be just as happy being in my room reading, meditating, or listening to music alone. I love people but also love my own company

3.) I have almost always had a positive body image. When I was a little girl I thought people on TV could see me through the screen and I thought they thought I was the most adorable thing. I had a short denim skirt that was my favorite and I would put it on and dance around the room, showing off, while watching TV, especially that old movie “Pillow Talk” (it was my favorite movie) so they would all see how beautiful I was! Lol

4.) I don’t watch tv because I just have no interest but I love the TV show “King of Queens” when it’s on in my house. It’s so funny! I have the theme song on my phone!

5.) My favorite music is Oldies music. Like old old. I’m not talking about 70’s or 80’s although I like some of that too. I’m talking about 50’s music and also 60’s. Ooollllddd ass music! Lol Oldies was my favorite for as long as I can remember but I used to be too embarrassed to tell people, especially other kids, until I was in college. As a teenager I would look up lyrics to all the “coolest” and latest songs just so I was able to join conversations with other kids about music and act like I loved all the same music. I wouldn’t dare spill my dirty little secret that I only listened to those Oldies but goodies! I even used to change the dial on my handheld radio when I put it down in case anyone picked it up and “caught me” listening to oldies. Lol! Now I will proudly scream it off the rooftops. I don’t care what they say I won’t live in a world without Oldies! (I think I shared this fact on here previously somewhere!)

6.) I love so much when I’m selected for jury service. I love every single thing about it. I love the criminal justice building, center city Philadelphia, learning about the process, the juror sticker, the lunch break, the chairs, the people, the forms, the TV screens, the hallways and rooms, the feel of it, the big room, all the energy I feel being surrounded by all those people ….i would volunteer every week if I could. I wish I were selected every year instead of every other year. I was never selected as a juror and I am so disappointed. 😦 I always wanted a civil case but criminal ones are interesting too.
I heard if someone gets put on a trial the person may not get selected again for like over a decade so maybe it’s good I don’t so I don’t have to go that long without being called again! Most people I hear of try to go to great lengths to get out of it. I would go to great lengths to get into it. Lol like maybe coming up with a fake last name just to get selected more than once every other year! ;-D

“It’s your turn!” lol

7.I’m good at debating. I can blow your mind with my skills. Lol

8.) I always thought I would love to be a model. To try different hair and clothing styles, expressions and makeup and poses! So fun!

9.) I love writing.

10.) I am so easily amused over the dumbest things all throughout everyday even when I’m not in a happy mood and it gets me into trouble but it’s ok, at least I’m having fun and it’s uplifting to be this way! I am so annoyed when I’m angry at someone but also amused and I cannot stop laughing because then it makes it so people probably won’t take my anger seriously!

11.) I love dark poetry better than the happy kind – not because I’m sad and dark, I’m not usually dark and gloomy and even when I’m happy I love it! I’m just in tune with the dark side. It’s beautiful to capture the darker side of life in photos or poetic writing. But I love happy songs, movies and endings to books, usually better than sad ones.

12.) I’m very interested in things that have to do with law. Philosophy of law is a fascinating subject!

13.) I sit around completing logic problems just for fun and I have as much fun as people when they’re on vacation or traveling, just doing this! It gives me the greatest thrill!

14.) I don’t drink alcoholic beverages ever and the only reason is it doesn’t appeal to me just like certain food doesn’t. I’m not morally against it or afraid of becoming addicted, although addiction runs in my family, severely. I never had more than a few sips in my whole life and that was years ago.
But alcoholic bottles, cans, and signs are some of my favorite things to takes photos off. Along with cigarette packs.

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I found this under a bridge one night.

15.) I’m not afraid very easily and generally not prone to anxiety. I’m not afraid of needles or blood or hospitals or surgery or rodents or insects or anything. And I have a strong stomach and don’t get queasy over that stuff.

16.) I would never go skydiving or bungee jumping and roller coasters terrify me. But I think it’s impressive and am tempted just to show off lol

17.) I love holidays but I don’t go all out to celebrate, only in my head. I love the feel and I just bask in the energy, sense of unity in the air, and decorations and beauty all around during the holiday seasons!

18.) I’m not very thoughtful with buying gifts. Some people are so good at choosing the most personalized, touching gifts. Not me. I have no idea what to buy people. My thoughtfulness manifests better in my words or intention to help in some ways, I’m good at writing and expressing my appreciation or well wishes for people even if it’s just a brief Facebook message or blog comment…or thinking of little details that may help make something easier for someone.

19.) I don’t have an aversion to any part of the body, mine or anyone else’s. I see/hear of so many people who claim to not stand people’s feet, even their own (it’s strange how many people I see writing this! Like it’s a trend now or something?). Ummm…it’s part of the body, the way it’s made to be. And some people are disgusted over brain or stomach related things like the acid or fluid! Again, it’s part of the beautiful human anatomy! Not disgusting. Lol
Imagine not having those things! We would be in trouble! The whole body is beautiful.

20.) I wear old fashioned kind of clothes I guess. No leggings or skinny jeans for me! I love only flare pants and low cut shirts. The same kind of clothes I have been wearing for over a decade. I also don’t care that my bra straps often show even though I see people making fun of girls online for their under garments showing. Lol

21.) I go out with my hair wet right after a shower. I read about a study that says most people perceive girls who go out with wet hair as being lazy and sloppy. Oh well, I am lazy and sloppy, think what you will! 😀

22.) I have a strange memory. I can remember birth dates and other dates extremely well and I can remember facts really good but I cannot for the life of me remember to do things I’m supposed to do or all the things I’m supposed to buy at a store. I can’t remember phone numbers either, including my own!

23.) my mom says I have the mentality of a man which she thinks is disgusting and she’s convinced I was a man “in another life.” I like “dirty” songs and memes. I think perverted jokes are hilarious and things that have to do with bodily functions and text them to her just to freak her out. I can be very immature. Lol

24.) In high school, I had perfect attendance all four years, not one day missed. I loved school and rarely got sick. No matter how much pain I was in, how tired I was, how badly I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, how horrible the weather was….i got up and out the door. There were even some days my mom encouraged me to stay home like if there was a snowstorm but school was still in session or when I would be in severe head/face pain which was related to my pain disorder but I did not know back then, but I was determined to soak up every day of school I could. Luckily I never had anything serious like influenza or something where I would have had to stay home or I would have put everyone else in danger because I wouldnt risk getting others sick! So it’s all because of my health and my determination. At our graduation, three of us had perfect attendance all four years. More did for three, more for two, and even more for one year.

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and there’s this as well:

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It seems I have a thing for showing up.

25.) physical description: I’m 5 feet 5 inches and always wished I was taller but I love wearing 5 or 6 inch stilettos and I feel super tall when I do! And I love it! I have blue eyes with a large green splash in each one. So when I wear green eye shadow or green shirts, my eyes usually look completely green. I have long hair, a bit longer than waist length and it’s naturally a medium shade of brown with natural orange and blond highlights. Some lighting can make it look more blonde while others can make it look more red/orange. But it’s brown. I love it and never put hair dye in it. I don’t change my hair style ever, I never get tired of it. I just trim it occasionally.

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26.) I never needed glasses or contacts but I think glasses are cute and if I needed glasses I would choose them over contacts. Also, less dangerous even though they probably have more complications than contacts.

27.) I have always loved brown eyes. They are so warm and lovely. But I think all colors are pretty.

28.) I don’t really plan things and don’t mind having plans change at the last minute or planning things on the spur of the moment. I’m easy-going and procrastinate with things and am messy and disorganized. I’m not a perfectionist(although sometimes I wish I were perfect – whatever “perfect” is.). It’s not all good but it’s also a lot less negative stress to be this way, I think, than one of these “type A personalities.”

29.) I love when there’s something I swore up and down I would never like, do, or wear then I come to love it! Example: flats. I always disliked flat shoes and said I would never wear them. Ever. I thought they were ugly and just Eww but now I love flats and have a few pairs. I actually had many pairs but my dog chewed them along with a few pairs of my stilettos! Also, cheeses fries with ketchup on them! Eww! I used to see kids eating them in high school and it was disgusting! Then one day in college I ordered cheese fries at one of the window stands and clearly said no ketchup when they asked and they put ketchup on but I was so hungry I tried them and loved them! And I promised I would never read fiction books. I thought it was a waste and only wanted to read education stuff now I LOVE fiction after reading a fiction book just because I liked the title and it inspired me to try more now I’m hooked! And I love how fiction isn’t restrained by the rules of reality even in realistic novels and anything can go!

30.) I’m extremely forgiving and probably couldn’t hold a grudge if my life depended on it, especially when people say sorry or appear to be sorry. It comes very naturally to me, it’s not even like I have to make it a point to try to forgive usually, it just comes easily, automatically. But sometimes it doesn’t and I accept or work on it.

31.) I’m also extremely trusting to the point I’m stupid. And I trust the same people over and over and over no matter what they keep doing.

32.) I believe people are basically good. Some go above and beyond the goodness of the average person and most everyone does not good stuff now and again but I believe deep inside we’re pretty much all good.

33.) I am very easy to please. Very, very. I’m satisfied with nearly every movie I watch, every book I read, all the food I consume, every gift I receive. But once in a while(rarely) I do read a book I dislike and am not used to the feeling it provokes in me. I recently purchased a book about a Christmas story and a mystery baby and it really isn’t that good. It made no sense to me, like the point. I have some sense of it though. And also it just isn’t that interesting and I felt that my night was wasted because I stayed up all night reading it just to find out the answer to the mystery. I usually just stop reading when a book isn’t good but I wanted to see the big mystery! And it was a disappointment anyway!
Lol I don’t care about the wasted money and anyway it was only $1.00 and someone is probably being helped by the money that goes to the book so that’s good. It’s my wasted night I can’t get back. But it’s not really “wasted.” It was my choice and I would never have known if not for staying up reading. I love thinking back even a long while later, to when I read certain books and the feelings they bring back.

34.) Greasy food is heaven to me, the greasier the better!! I love Mcdonald’s french fries but they were better when they were more greasy and less healthy, they tasted better but now they got healthy I think. Still delicious though. I think our president’s wife got to them with her health freak ways! Lol

35.) Coca Cola is my favorite soda!! I drink it everyday! I think it’s the least healthy soda too. I drink water at night now and early in the morning more than soda but all day it’s Coca Cola all the way! I can tell the difference right away with Pepsi and Coca Cola. Many people say they taste the same. Not to me! Pepsi is weaker. And less and different flavor. And I take pictures of Coca Cola trucks whenever I see one!

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36.) I love animated, kiddie movies like Toy Story, Arthur Christmas, and the Nightmare Before Christmas!! My dog is named Woody after the doll in Toy Story. It’s actually Dagwood and we call him Woody! He’s less than four months old!

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37.) I’m not a crier(sp?) for me, it’s not my cup of tea. No matter how happy, joyful, sad, or depressed I am, I will not cry over it. Lol I am good at remaining calm and composed. I experience deep sensation/emotion but it doesn’t provoke me to cry.

” Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Crying’s not for me
Cause I ain’t gonna stop the rain by complaining” ~ Bj Thomas

38.) When I was a little girl, I had a bad habit of picking stuff up off the ground. Anything I could get my hands on. My mom used to scream in horror over the stuff I picked up. Unsanitary stuff, leaves, earrings, pins, old razor blades, hospital bracelets, stones, acorns and pine cones…sadly I haven’t outgrown that habit for some reason. Not so long ago I picked up a tube of something thinking it was paint. It was testosterone gel, that stuff advertised on commercials warning women and children not to touch. I touched it.

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(a little something I found under a bridge one night – it’s empty and I don’t smoke cigarettes)

39.) I like to dance around my room late at night and very early in the morning while the world around me is sound asleep. I listen to music and dance dance dance…usually gratitude meditations can trigger this.

😀

Xoxo Kim

Philadelphia <3

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In my e-mail box everyday I receive a suggestion for some thing to do that day that can contribute to health or just be a fun little thing to do like certain exercises, looking up a certain health topic to learn about, making a gratitude list….. Many of these things are great to make a habit of in general. It’s a “challenge of the day” that I subscribed to a few years ago.
Here:

https://challenge.meyouhealth.com/signup

 Recently one of the challenges was to list three places to visit in the place where you live. I live in Philadelphia in Pennsylvania in the US which is the best city on Earth! Lol Almost every single day I’m walking around Philadelphia streets taking photos of everything. I often take pictures of the same things on different days at various angles or with different effects.  
I know when people see me they have to be thinking I’m just a visitor here because who else is in awe like this over the place they see and live everyday?! Lol

One of my favorite things to take pictures of is our SEPTA busses and trolleys and other busses. I have been asked on Facebook how many more busses am I going to post and told I must really like “that bus!” 

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And it’s not even the same bus!
And yes I do love those septa busses and trolleys! 

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And also the buildings in Center City which are breathtaking.

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I have been to a few other cities including nyc and others in NY and ones in NJ and I love those too but nothing can be as beautiful as Philadelphia is to me!



I lived here forever and always will.


I would love to visit other cities especially in Texas and Colorado. I would love to see Aspen. 



But Philadelphia will always be mine. 






I decided to list quite a few places here in Philadelphia that are popular attractions or just amazing and are all places I have been to at one point.  

The Eastern State Penitentiary – this is the old abandoned prison which is in a state of semi ruin and on display for people to learn of its fascinating history. And they also have the Halloween exhibit every year which is still going until Nov. 8th! It’s said to be a real haunted prison! Lol :-O
http://www.easternstate.org/?device=desktop

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Us Constitution Center – Here you can learn All about our wonderful constitution! It includes interactive exhibitions and conversations about the US Constitution. It’s not associated with any political affiliation. It’s fascinating. I haven’t been there in a while and want to go back soon!
http://constitutioncenter.org/

Ben Franklin museum –

This is a very interesting place to learn about Benjamin Franklin and his life. They have interactive displays to teach and entertain people. 
http://www.phlvisitorcenter.com/attraction/benjamin-franklin-museum

Rittenhouse park – the most beautiful park in the whole world! 
http://www.pps.org/great_public_spaces/one?public_place_id=393

http://rittenhouserow.org/index.php/rittenhouse-row/history

Philadelphia Museum of Art –

Check out all the amazingness!

http://www.philamuseum.org/

New harmony restaurant – This is a vegetarian Chinese restaurant! It has some of the best food I ever tasted!  MmmMmmM :-p

135 N 9th St, Philadelphia, PA 19107

JFK Plaza or Love Park as it’s also known as –

It’s in Center City!! 

16TH AND JFK BOULEVARD
PHILADELPHIA, PA 19102 

Garden of letters bookstore – I love it! It’s a bookstore and it like specializes in spiritual things. They have totem stones, tarot cards, notebooks, all kinds of lovely things!

527 South St, Philadelphia, PA 19147

Book trader – my favoritest bookstore in all the land! My love! It’s an old used bookstore and maybe kind of on the expensive side but I just love it! Books books everywhere! All different categories! My favorite is the philosophy and self-help sections. The people are very friendly too!

7 N 2nd St, Philadelphia, PA 19106

Liberty Bell – it’s a large bell and it’s broken. 

6th St & Market St, Philadelphia, PA 19106

Reading terminal market – this is where I go when I have jury service! 

They have lots and lots of food of various kinds and all kinds of other stuff including books! 
I love all the veggie food they have and the scents in the building are mouth-watering!
They also have meat products for all of you omnivores and carnivores(?)!

http://www.readingterminalmarket.org/

The Franklin institute – they have all kinds of entertaining exhibits, movies, shows, attractions….very fun!

https://www.fi.edu/

The rocky statue and the rocky steps – 

The steps to the art museum. Two of the most popular attractions in Philadelphia, the statue and steps.

http://www.visitphilly.com/museums-attractions/philadelphia/the-rocky-statue-and-the-rocky-steps/

The Betsy Ross House – I used to go here on school trips!

http://historicphiladelphia.org/betsy-ross-house/visitors/

The please touch museum – when I was little I used to go here too. It is intended for children seven years and younger. I remember playing with a toy chicken here many years ago! Lol and a little boy was playing with it with me! It was amazing being able to touch everything!

http://www.pleasetouchmuseum.org/?no_redirect=true

Amitayus Kadampa Buddhist Center –

This is where I take Buddhist/meditation classes every week. The classes are different prices, some eight dollars, some ten, some thirty. They have various social events. You don’t have to be a Buddhist or a member of the center or plan on becoming one to attend. They welcome everyone.

http://www.meditationinphiladelphia.org/

So there are some of the main attractions or ones that I love! And there are many more! Come to Philadelphia if you aren’t here already and see for yourself. 

http://www.visitphilly.com/itineraries/philadelphia/top-10-most-visited-attractions-in-philadelphia/

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To people who grew up in other places or have lived there for a while, in Philadelphia we are known as being loud, rude, and have insane traffic(but not as bad as in NYC and Boston, I hear). Lol  I did not always realize this since I always lived here and haven’t been to many other places. But when I’m talking to people who lived in other places, that’s what I hear. They are shocked, especially if they lived in Southern states because everyone is so friendly and kind in those states I’m told. I looovvveee that Southern accent and I’m envious because I don’t have it!
Yes the traffic is kind of messed up when I think about it. They scream at each other out the windows a lot. And I do see people pushing each other and jumping in front of each other on busses very often and that is uncalled for and rude. Lol I don’t do that though. They may not be rude though in general, it’s just a fast paced city where people are too busy and in a hurry.
I’m not loud at all, I am very quiet. But yes, people here are loud! It doesn’t faze me though, I’m used to it. 
And I hear that we pronounce “water” in a weird way. Like “wooder?”
Lol I don’t think I say it like that.
And we drop the “ing” off of words?! “I’m not doin’ nuttin’ today!”  ;-D
All of these things never even occurred to me until I met people who pointed it out! How fascinating!
And….we have WATER ICE!!! Also known as Italian Ice. Many people outside of Philadelphia don’t even know what it is! My favorite is cherry! But I love most flavors. I don’t even know how to say what water ice is. 
It’s all soft and smooth. Like ice cream but not milky. 
One day someone asked me. I was at a loss for words. 
I love when I see someone eating water ice who never experienced it before! I work at a water ice/ice cream store! And when we have visitors who don’t live here or ones who just moved here they look at it in wonder! 

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:-p 

I encourage you to acknowledge the beauty in your own city even if it’s not where you want to be. There still has to be something that catches your eyes or your heart!  Pay close attention and be mindful of all the gifts that surround you, take pictures, breathe deeply, soak up everything you can around you. I think we can all tune into the blessings around us.

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Here are some of my favorite quotes about beauty and gratitude/happiness/joy:

“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” ~ Anne Frank

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, or worn. It is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace & gratitude.” ~ Denis Waitley

“Three things you cannot recover in life: the WORD after it’s said, the MOMENT after it’s missed and the TIME after it’s gone. Be Careful!” ~Unknown
 

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

“Just remember there is someone out there that is more than happy with less than what you have.” ~Unknown

Xoxo Kim 😀

Night Shift

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“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.” Tim McGraw

One of my favorite songs is Night Shift, a song released in January 1985 in the US. It’s sung by the Commodores and written by  Walter Orange, who used to be the lead singer of the Commodores, in collaboration with Dennis Lambert and Franne Golde. The song is a tribute to Jackie Wilson and Marvin Gaye, soul/R&B singers, who both died in 1984.

It’s a beautiful song that I loved since I was a little girl. But I never truly understood the message until I grew up. I have always loved the images my mind conjures up when I listen to or think about the song. I always could sense that the song is about love and mixed with both sorrow and pain and love and joy. I have a live version (at least it sounds live, I hear them talking and people screaming and cheering but I guess they could have made it sound like that for a certain effect or feel or something) on my phone that I bought on BlackBerry App World a while ago before blackberry got rid of their music app in this form. I usually don’t care much for live versions of songs. I think they have the potential to be even better than the studio recorded ones because they can be more “raw” or candid or whatever the word is I’m searching for. Lol And I love the passion of the people screaming and singing together. 

It reminds me of pictures of beautiful models I have seen. They are gorgeous in their professional photos but often their candid, “behind the scenes”, photos capture their true, raw beauty even better in my opinion. Their “flaws” and realness are beautifully revealed. It’s not as staged or “set up.” It doesn’t have to be perfect or meet any expectations that people may have of the photographer or the woman in the photo. It just is what it is. 

So live songs can be wonderful in their candidness, in their liberty to just be.

But they usually just suck. 

Once in a blue moon though I find a live version I love more than the non live ones and this is one(i think). I wasn’t aware that it is a live version or sounds live when I bought it or I wouldn’t have bought it because I would have thought it wouldn’t be good. I’m so thankful I wasn’t aware of that fact because it’s the most beautiful version! When I first bought it and tried to listen to it I was about to just delete it the second I heard that it sounds live but then I noticed it sounds incredible and I gave it a chance! Best thing I could have done! That’s a lesson to me to always give things a chance! I never know what beauty I can be missing out on in my closed-mindedness. I wish I could share it here but I can’t because it’s probably not allowed. Copyright issues, I guess?  But the video I’m sharing of the song at the end is just as good!

“Marvin, he was a friend of mine
And he could sing a song
His heart in every line
Marvin sang of the joy and pain
He opened up our minds
And I still can hear him say
Aw talk to me so you can see
What’s going on
Say you will sing your songs
Forevermore (evermore)”

“Jackie (Jackie), hey what you doing now
It seems like yesterday
When we were working out
Jackie (Jackie, oh) you set
The world on fire
You came and gifted us
Your love it lifted us
Higher and higher
Keep it up and
We’ll be there
At your side
Oh say you will sing
Your songs forevermore (evermore)”

I love how it’s a beautiful tribute to their friends and amazing singers and people but it’s also an incredible message to the world. 

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Even after a person is no longer in this world with us, that person lives on in our hearts forever, whether it’s someone we knew personally or a famous actor, singer, or writer. A philosopher or a poet, a blogger or musician, a pet….we all will live on in our stories and our love that we put out into the world. Our message will linger on in the breath and heartbeat of the world. Our love will pulsate throughout the wind, the trees, the moon and the stars, the sun, the minds of all those we were able to touch in some way.

One person can touch many lives even after this life is over. Your life is your message to the world and you can be inspiring people you don’t even know exist just by being you! 

There is someone out there in the world for everyone. And I’m not just talking about a romantic  lover or a platonic friend. I’m talking about a soulmate/soulfriend. Not just in a romantic sense but someone who your life will resonate with on a deep level even if you don’t meet each other in person. Someone’s life who your life and way of loving will speak to deeply, directly, and profoundly.

Someone who desires or needs just what you are, just what you have to say, write, give, or be. 
And there can even be more than one! 

What a beautiful profound message this song is! And the music is amazing too.
This song is full of passion and riddled
with love.
They miss their friends but as they sing….. 

“It’s gonna be alright.”

Because they will live on in our hearts forever.

We all have a song to breathe out into the world to find whoever may be searching for or longing for our message. 

“Gonna miss your sweet voice
That soulful noise
On the nightshift
We all remember you
Ooh the songs are coming through
At the end of a long day
It’s gonna be okay
On the nightshift
You found another home
I know you’re not alone
On the nightshift”

Here is the video to the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=_WrI_qLVt8A

And always remember, you’re not alone…on the night shift! Even when it feels like it!

😀

Xoxo Kim

Princess – a short fictional story I don’t recommend…

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“Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will.” – Jawaharlal Nehru

Unless you want to be scarred for life like I am. Lol j/k but it’s seriously twisted! 

Recently I read a short story on BlackBerry Kindle like 47 pages and it’s another kind of insanity. An insanity you don’t even want to think about.

It sucked me right in and reading it was thoroughly entertaining but then it just got insane. At the end I had one of those “DAFUQ DID I JUST READ?!?!?!” moments. 

I’m going to write about it here, including the end so if you would prefer to read the short story before reading this then you know to click it off.

But like I said, unless you want to be traumatized forever, don’t. Lol

It’s a psychological thriller and in the reviews it is said to be dark and deeply disturbing. And it is!

It’s BEYOND disturbing.

It starts out with a mother helping her teenage daughter get ready for her prom, fixing her hair in front of a mirror in her bedroom, and her date is late showing up. The daughter is concerned that he’s standing her up and going with another person.

Her mother gets furious at this and spins the chair around that her daughter is in and yells in her daughter’s face that she is second to no one and the boy is probably just experiencing car trouble. Then in a split second the mother is back to her sweet self again smiling cheerfully at her daughter telling her that she’s the most beautiful girl in the whole county and everyone always knew it. That to me is a red flag right there that the mom may have some kind of issues going on getting furious in a split second to the point of screaming loudly in her daughter’s face then just as soon puts on a sweet smile and goes back to fixing her hair like nothing.
And the way she seems kind of obsessed with her daughter being “the most beautiful girl according to everyone.” It’s just weird.

The story switches scenes to where the girl’s dad is in a shopping mall. The wife is horrible to her husband and controlling and sent him out to find their daughter’s date or he would have to suffer her wrath.

So here the father is searching for a teenage boy to take to his daughter. I was confused at this point because the daughter seems to know her date, Josh, but it seems as if the dad is looking around for a random boy to take back.

Here, that’s exactly the case. Her father is looking for a random teenage boy to abduct! 

And call him Josh. Even though he’s not Josh.

The dad gets the boy in a parking lot, drugs him with a needle and takes him home, forces him to dress in a tuxedo before going into the house.

The scene switches back to home where the daughter is getting ready for her prom. They live on a secluded farm in the middle of nowhere and don’t know anyone.

The mom answers the phone and is 
relieved to hear that “Josh” just had “car trouble” and is on his way to pick up their little girl for the prom.

Here, the “daughter” is a mannequin! With a wig! Wtf?!  And the mom switches roles. First she’s the mom and the daughter is the mannequin. Then the mom takes on the role of the daughter and the mannequin becomes the mom!

The mom put on the wig and became the daughter and was conversing with the mannequin who is now the mom.

Then the dad came home with the abducted boy who they call Josh. The boy is utterly confused (as am I at this point..)as the dad tells him to wear the tux, answer to Josh, and do whatever his “daughter” (who is really his wife) says. The dad says he’s not explaining anything to just do as he says because he has a gun and will use it if the boy resists.

The “girl” walks down the stairs calling for Josh and she’s wearing a dirty pink dress that is too small. She’s clearly not a teenage girl but a middle aged woman. At first the boy thinks it’s a twisted joke and smiles then quickly realizes it’s a nightmare of reality.

The “prom” takes place in the basement of the house and there’s no other guests. Just the abducted boy and the husband and wife who is pretending to be the daughter. The husband and wife act as if there are other kids there though but they focus mostly only on “Josh.” They have punch and music and decorations and dancing. They pretend there’s a room full of kids and talk on a microphone to the audience.

The boy begins crying because he’s so scared but the woman/girl assumes/acts like he’s just so happy and moved over the whole prom thing.

The husband is relieved at this because if the boy doesn’t cooperate, the husband will suffer his wife’s abuse for him not doing a good job.

Then they go into a small room and the girl/woman shows her date a photo album and in all the photos is a mother and real daughter. The mother in the photos with the real daughter is clearly the woman now pretending to be a teenage girl. The photos are mostly of them at beauty contests.

The little girl who is the real daughter wins the beauty contests every year, she’s holding a trophy in every photo. But soon she comes to look very much like her mom (the lady now pretending to be the daughter) who is considered less than pretty and overweight.

So she starts getting second, third, last, then no winning place. The mom is obsessed with beauty and being/looking perfect. She tries to force this on her daughter. The woman pretending to be the teenager tells her “prom date” about how her mom was obsessed with physical beauty always trying to force her to live up to impossible standards, claiming that the judges of the contests were just jealous or something.

Then she puts the photo album away and forces the abducted boy to engage in sexual activity with her. He doesn’t want to but the dad has a gun and threatens him. 

So here’s a husband forcing a teenage boy to get it on with his wife! Who is pretending to be a teenage girl! Can you say, TWISTED?!

Something in the punch made it so the boy can be aroused enough to get it up even though he doesn’t want to.

Then they go outside and have some thing where they are elected prom queen and king.

Throughout the story the dad keeps reassuring the boy when he asks, that he will be let go and can go home at the end.

It’s a lie. They are planning on killing the boy.

It’s clear throughout the story that the husband is distressed over this whole situation and doesn’t want to participate but feels he has little say in it; his wife is emotionally abusive and forces him to do stuff.

It also becomes clear that this whole “prom” thing happens every year where the dad reluctantly goes and abducts a random boy, brings him home, he’s forced to engage in a “prom” and sexual things with the wife, then they kill him without anyone ever knowing.

Since they live in the middle of nowhere they’re less likely to get found out. No one ever thinks to look for the missing boys there.

I kind of guessed the end but got a couple things wrong. I thought it would turn out that years ago their real daughter was killed on prom night, I thought maybe a car crash going to the prom. And that the mom got so messed up over it she does this shit every year.

That’s kind of what happened but not quite.

At the end the boy wants an explanation since he’s going to be killed anyway.

So the husband tells him. 

Spoiler alert….
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Five years ago on prom night his real teenage daughter was supposed to go to the prom with a popular boy named Josh. His daughter was unpopular and horribly bullied for her physical appearance and body weight. So when a popular boy asked her out it came as a shock but the girl was thrilled. She got all ready on prom night and Josh never showed up. So when she called him, he laughed at her and said all insults about her, said it was all a joke, that he would never go out with her, he was going with someone else.

She was devastated. Her mom showed no compassion and said it was all her daughter’s fault for not being good enough, for not being pretty, for being second to other girls.

So the girl ran outside and her dad went to run after her but his wife demanded him not to and said let their daughter think about what the mother said, that it will do her good or something. The dad reluctantly listened to his wife as he always does. Then later he found that his daughter hanged herself off the rafter things outside. He had to cut her lifeless body off the thing and watch her fall to the ground getting her pink dress all dirty. The pink dress the mom wears now for this freak show.

Then every year after that the mom set this up.

As the dad is telling the boy how his wife destroyed their daughter, he’s crying and says he misses his daughter terribly and how his wife couldn’t even show her some sympathy after her ordeal with the boy on the phone. He doesn’t even know why he goes along with this every year. He suspects it may have something to do with his own feelings of inadequacy that no one would ever want him, that he will always be alone. Years ago he always felt like that and was relieved that the girl who became his wife, wanted him forever. So he always did everything she told him to out of fear of losing her and being forever alone.

At the very end, the boy promises he won’t tell if the dad let’s him go, he says out of respect for his daughter he’ll keep it quiet. The dad is holding a gun to the boy.

Then the husband gets up, goes inside to the wife where she’s still pretending to be the daughter. And he tells her he misses their daughter so much. The wife looks confused since right now in her twisted head she is the daughter.

Then he points the gun at her and blows her away then does away with himself.

The end.

Bizarre ass shit, isn’t it?!

It’s sad and tragic and bizarre. 
The whole thing.

Not an uplifting read.

And some things you just can’t unread.

No matter how desperately you want to.

Lol

My heart breaks for that poor girl who died, feeling as if that was the only way out, like she was worthless and not good enough. My heart breaks for the dad who lost his little girl who he loved. He was wrong for killing the innocent boys he killed all those years and for killing his wife. But his anguish for his tragic loss is clear. It’s only fiction but it’s still sad. And unfortunately, stuff like this really happens(suicide, bullying, abuse…hopefully not the prom thing as well).
 
I believe the wife knew exactly what she was doing. That’s why she had to get a mannequin and keep making it a point to reverse roles, switching wigs and all. She knew to keep switching and to have to get a physical figure in place of a mother/daughter. She knew to relentlessly criticize her husband if he did not do exactly what she wanted. She knew to keep the thing a secret so she wouldn’t be in trouble.

While mental illness and feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, being verbally/emotionally abused are not the person’s fault and no one can just make them go away, when a person struggles with these things, that person has a choice. A choice to seek help, to overcome, get better, pro-act. The man couldn’t help it that his wife was abusive to him and that he had low self-esteem but that is no justification for abducting people, drugging them, and aiding in sexually assaulting them.

It’s not the wife’s fault that she had unhealthy views about body image but it’s no justification for forcing her own standards on her daughter, emotionally torturing her ’til she killed herself. The woman could have worked on herself to shift her views to more positive ones. She was projecting her own insecurity onto her innocent daughter. She could have chosen love over the abuse and bitterness. It’s not her fault she felt the need to have a fake prom every year, maybe she had some kind of mental illness(???) but she could have got professional help or worked on herself with self-help techniques to help this. So it wouldn’t have all ended in tragedy. There may be real people out there somewhere with something like this, people who dress up mannequins and pretend they are real for whatever reason. If that’s just a hobby for fun it’s ok even if people think it’s strange, but if it’s the result of serious emotional problems I think they deserve some compassionate motivation to seek help of some kind and deserve some sort of understanding. This is just a horror story but maybe there’s real people with these sorts of disorders or something. And if there are, it doesn’t mean they’re all dangerous like the people in the story.

And the poor daughter. She was emotionally abused her whole life by her peers and her mother. But suicide isn’t the answer. It’s a tragic, senseless choice. There’s always hope. 
Being bullied, humiliated, abused, depressed and suicidal is not a choice but acting on it by killing herself is. 
She could have worked on herself to realize her worth and know it’s never dependent upon her physical appearance, her body weight, or what her mom or anyone else says or thinks of her.
There’s always hope. Where there’s life, there’s hope. There’s always a way.

None of these people took responsibility for themselves. They let other people, unhealthy views, situations control them into doing tragic and twisted things. I think this is a great reminder to take responsibility. No situation or other person has the power if we don’t let them. We have the power over ourselves. 

I think this story isn’t meant to be thought provoking like this. It’s probably just supposed to be dark, twisted, insane, disturbing, thrilling. And that’s ok! Some people are into that kind of thing. I like some stuff like that too. But I still found some insights in the story that serve as great reminders. I’m happy I read it. Lol

We must know we have choices. Not realizing we have a choice can be almost as bad as really not having one but it’s not quite as bad as really not having a choice. We can learn we have a choice, be reminded, realize, see the light.

I think the only character in this story who really had no choice is the boy who was abducted. He had a gun held to him so basically he had no choice if he wanted to not be killed or threatened. 
But he has a choice how to handle the situation and his attitude, and reaction when it’s over.

People who have a choice but don’t yet realize it or are scared and act/think like victims deserve compassion but also deserve to be firmly reminded that it’s all up to them to change their lives and selves. Depressed people, homeless people, unhappy people, financially struggling people, suicidal people, addicted people, ones in abusive environments, ones letting a situation or other people dominate them, people working dead-end, life draining jobs…they all have choices. Positive, healthy choices. They don’t always know they have choices but they do, even if right now the only choice is something as simple as working on their attitude or taking small steps to get out of the situation. Small but significant steps.
Maybe they don’t always know what decision to make but they can seek guidance along the way.
Not everyone has a choice to change something significantly right this very minute. 
Not everyone is making conscious or intentional choices to get where they are.

But we can all make the decision to plan to change, our attitude or situation or both. Starting now. In small steps. Small steps are still significant.
And then we can work on that. For some it will definitely be more difficult than others.
Some people have more obstacles and disadvantages than others.
But we all have this life and twenty-four hours each day to do something. Something. Anything.
No matter how hard it is, people can change for the better. Even if it takes longer than desired. Even if it takes a lot of work. Even if it’s painful and seemingly impossible. 

We can’t help how we grew up, the people we have been surrounded with, the things they do or say, disabilities or illnesses, job losses or rejections….but we can always make the choice to do something to better ourselves and our situations.
Even if that choice for now is just meditating upon or planning to live up to a positive philosophy of life, quote or affirmation.

Even if that decision is planning in our heads to develop certain positive qualities we don’t yet have or strengthen ones we do have.
Even if that decision is to make a phone call, send an e-mail, walking into a building to ask for help.
 Many people feel that it’s cold and callous to say that certain struggling people have choices, that it’s not true, that it’s not being compassionate but none of this is true. It is being compassionate to help empower people to know they can get better, can take action, responsibility for their own lives.
To help people know that we are all dependent in some ways and can be independent in some ways if we really work for it.
There’s a healthy balance of gentle compassion and firm reminders of taking responsibility.
 
Some people really are cold and not understanding and and do criticize people in a toxic way when they have a choice but act like they don’t. But that’s not what I’m promoting.
We can be firm in reminders but still compassionate and loving and express deep empathy. 
The choice to do nothing is still a choice.
Sometimes we can find ourselves in places we are unsure how we got there.  It’s like we just ended up there with no say of our own.
But often it’s because of choices we have been making all along. Not always but often. Choices to do nothing, to settle, to take no action, to give in, to succumb to limiting beliefs. Choices to let other people and situations drag us down.
I have found myself in situations I was so sure I had no say in, no control over, I was a “victim” of sorts. But I later realized the roles I had in situations and what I can do now to begin getting out of it. If we realize we made choices that contributed to unpleasant situations then we can be empowered knowing that means we have the ability to make new choices that contribute to more positive situations.
If you make choices that contribute to unpleasant things then you can make choices that lead to positive things. 
 And it’s true we don’t always have choices for everything.
But whether or not we had control all along, right now the choice is ours.

Xoxo Kim

On Pain {Norman Vincent Peale}

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“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Last night I posted something about my experience with unbearable physical pain. 
It is super long and much longer than I would have liked it to be but I wanted to share much of my experience with the agony to get the point across and express my pain.
I want to thank the people who read/liked it. Thank You so much! I appreciate it deeply. I know most people don’t care to read extra extra long posts and most of my posts will not be that long. 😀 Only when I have a real lot to say all at once. Lol

Here is another post on pain. You don’t have to read my previous post to make sense of this one. 

It’s interesting how an extremely painful experience can humble us, deepen our empathy, allow us to be more in touch with and aware of the pain and joy of the world but it can also go the other way. It can lead some to become arrogant in certain ways with a hardened heart, less empathetic, less patient with those who seem to not have experienced as much pain. It can trigger some people to sometimes regard other people’s problems as trivial or not as worthy of compassion compared to their own extreme pain. I don’t think that reaction is wrong or that all people who think that way are completely heartless or that we should all have the same empathetic reaction, necessarily. It’s just my observation.

I can completely understand how someone’s pain or sickness is so bad the person just wants to scoff at someone whining over something so frivolous it seems ridiculous next to what that person is experiencing. I’m not innocent of this myself on some occasions.

We all react in our own way, ways that are best or appropriate or come easily for us based on our experiences and ways of coping, we’re all different and handle things differently and I don’t try to force people to be a certain way or usually judge negatively for how someone else reacts when it’s not how I would react myself.  

Some people and some things people say are cold, heartless, callous, and outright cruel to others. And I don’t support or promote it but I understand not everyone will understand and care.  And I still embrace them in my universal love. 

My reaction to very painful experiences is almost always deeper empathy or becoming more in tune or aware or being reminded that there are so many others suffering like I am and worse and less who need all the love, compassion, and empathy they can receive. 

I don’t believe that physical pain is necessarily not as bad or is worse than emotional pain. They can both be severe, moderate, or mild, depending upon the kind of pain, the person, the coping mechanisms someone has and other circumstances. 

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I was reading words that inspired Norman Vincent Peale. He inspires me and I want to know what inspired him. 

I am not religious or spiritual in a way that has to do with the supernatural. I am an atheist. I don’t believe in the afterlife. But I find inspiration everywhere, even in religious writings and things that people who believe in some god or gods say. 

Norman Vincent Peale was a very religious Christian man and well known minister and he is known for his work, “The Power of Positive Thinking.”

I came across his words on pain & suffering.

“Pain and suffering have wracked humanity throughout history. Evidence of arthritis has been discovered in the earliest skeletons of the past. 
My friend Lloyd Ogilvie, distinguished pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood, California, once said that he had learned several important lessons from personally experiencing pain and suffering. He found he grew the most spiritually during those ordeals.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

& 

“No one welcomes pain. But, rightly faced, it can bring about great good. And we can triumph over it.”

He writes of Doug Williams, quarterback for the Washington Redskins, and how the man endured hours of dental surgery the day before the 1988 Superbowl football game. Then during the game, he injured his knee. But he still led the team to victory, breaking one record after another.

That is truly amazing!

Dr. Peale states that when we are struck by pain, we often ask the wrong questions, such as ‘why me?’ But more positive and productive questions are ‘What can I learn from this? What can I do about it? What can I accomplish in spite of it?’
There is deep wisdom in this and it’s so very motivational and helpful.

I have never asked “Why me?” I don’t want it to be anyone and it’s not “me” for any specific reason. I just got this disorder. It’s nothing personal against me, not a punishment I deserve. It’s just something going wrong in my body. Why not me? Why anyone? Because it’s the way our world works.

Some people get terrifying and agonizing sicknesses and disorders, both physical and mental, while others are blessed to never know that pain. But we are not victims unless we choose to be or unless we’re dead. To me, the only victims are dead. That’s not to say living people aren’t in despair and agony and are not suffering and do not deserve compassion. It’s to say no matter how dark it gets, no matter how deep the despair is, we can always choose to get up and pro-act as best as we can.

Here are some quotes Dr. Norman Peale loved by other people:

“In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.” ~ Paul Harvey 

Yes! If you survived before, which you have since you’re here, surely you will survive again and again and again….when your pain comes in waves or clusters or patterns or just flares, just ride each wave like you’re on top of the world. As the Beach Boys say, catch a wave and you’re sittin’ on top of the world! Oh how easy it is to say and think this when things aren’t so bad but even in pain, sickness, fatigue, depression….it can be done. On a Facebook page for cluster headache support, education, and awareness, I saw this….

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for surviving bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.”

“It takes more distress and poison to kill someone who has peace of mind and loves life.” ~ Bernie S. Siegel, M.D.

Yup! Physical pain and illness are not depression or a negative attitude. They can contribute to and trigger that but they are not it. They can be separated.  It’s important to keep in mind that we CAN be happy and joyful even in pain. There is still beauty. We may sometimes have to look harder but it’s there. Even with emotional pain, we can train our brains to seek out beauty and some sense of joy even when it’s hard.

“Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires – disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way.” ~ Bernie S. Siegel, M.D.

Again, pain of any kind can teach us, strengthen us, deepen us, and guide us.

“One cannot get through life without pain….What we can do is choose how to use the pain life presents to us.” ~ Bernie S. Siegel, M.D.

This says it all! 😀 Let’s take all of our pain and struggles and use it all to our advantage. 

I found a few things that help me cope with the pain and the psychological consequences of having an extremely painful disorder. One of them is art journaling, writing, painting, gluing, arts & crafts…another is reading positive quotes and other things and sharing them. This also helps with my depressive disorder. Sometimes just seeing a positive quote uplifts me even when I’m not feeling it completely. 
We don’t always have to be or feel positive but it’s good in general to maintain a positive attitude, in my opinion. 
And sharing quotes and happy photos to help others helps me also. I don’t share positive things to pretend everything is good, I share them because it really helps me often and it can inspire anyone who may see it. Also I try to find songs about physical pain to help me cope, there’s one called “Headache” by Frank Black and one called “Touch Me I’m Sick” by Mudhoney. And one called “Novocaine” by Green Day which may be about emotional pain but it can also apply to physical pain.

“Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can’t take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming”

Don’t I know it!

 And one by Alice Cooper called “Pain” about all kinds of pain. Alice is singing as if he is Pain itself singing. 
“You know me, I’m pain.” 
“It’s a compliment to me to hear you scream me through the night, all night, tonight.” 
“I’m pain
I’m your pain
Unspeakable pain
I’m your private pain”

He also has one called, “The Sharpest Pain” not really about physical pain but still, deep, agonizing pain.

Lol what a gloomy subject to be writing about but pain is part of being alive. Sometimes, even sharp, aching, throbbing, burning, wretched, overwhelming pain.

Much love, hope, strength, comfort, joy, and healing to you who are reading this no matter what your situation is.

Xoxo Kim 😀

3:00AM

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“Let’s cherish every moment we have been giving; the time is passing by…” ~ Kool & the Gang

Hello,  My name is Henry Bins and I have Henry Bins. Lol jk That’s an inside joke to myself. ;-D

I read a fiction book called “3:00AM” about a man named Henry Bins and he has a very rare sleep disorder which was named after him because he is one of three people in the world to have it and he was the first to be diagnosed.

He says “My name is Henry Bins and I have Henry Bins!” lol

It’s like a mixture of comedy, suspense, thriller, adventure, drama, love, mystery…I guess you can say. I love it!

The disorder causes him to sleep 23 out of 24 hours a day. It’s beyond his control. He wakes up every morning at 3:00am then just drops wherever he is at 4:00am and goes to sleep.

He had this disorder his whole life. It’s no walk in the park for him but he learned to live with it. He learned to adjust and cherish every moment he has awake.

His mom left him and his dad when he was a child and his dad brought him up and loves him unconditionally. He always wanted Henry to be as normal as possible and he made sure he was educated and well socialized. He would teach him reading and writing and he would bring children to their house at 3:00 am to play with Henry. Henry is about 36 years old in the novel, I think, and he’s as “normal” as can be.

He uses the Internet and goes out running and listens to music. But every single minute, literally, has to be planned out so he can get the most out of his life and be home safely in bed before he drops.

It’s also a murder mystery, this book. One morning just before 4:00 he was in his bedroom and he heard a woman scream like she was being murdered. Because she was being murdered. 

They live near Washington D.C.

He looked out his window at her house across the street and saw Connor Sullivan,  44th president of the United States, walking out and the president looked up and saw Henry! Then Henry dropped to the floor asleep. And woke up all stiff and injured. He doesn’t drift off to sleep around 4:00am, he will literally drop and sleep with absolutely no control. He already ended up in an emergency room occasionally because of dropping to sleep and being injured when he was out places too late.

He learned to make sure he’s in bed right before 4:00am.

There’s no known cure for this (fictional) disorder.

Because of knowing his time is limited, he carefully plans to make the most of literally every single minute he’s awake. He is mindful of all the ways he can have fun, of all the beauty around him. He cherishes each and every moment he’s awake. He knows at 4:00am he will be asleep until the next day. He had a few girlfriends at different points but it never worked out because they couldn’t handle his disorder. He says the only thing worse than being or having Henry Bins is being in love with Henry Bins. 

He plays video games, listens to music, runs for fun, reads books, checks out online dating websites, plays cards with his dad, has a stock business, a cat, and is generally happy. He pretty much has a full life. He sometimes wonders what it would be like if he did not have this disorder. He wonders if he would be married with kids but he knows he can’t be wasting minutes sulking or wondering “what if…???”

Henry says:

“I force myself to stay in the moment. I don’t have time for the past or the future. My life is the present. For many years I played the what if game. What if I had a normal life? Where would I be? Would I be married? Would I have kids? But then twenty or thirty minutes would be gone. Wasted. Thinking about things that I can’t change. That are unchangeable.”

See how this can apply to most of us to some extent? Who doesn’t at least once think “What if….?” We may think what if we were different or our lives were somehow different…what if we made a different choice, weren’t struggling with things beyond our control, looked different, were married or married to someone else, chose to go to school instead of certain jobs, did not have to put up with certain people, had more money…..

But all we have is now and what we currently are. It’s good to work to better ourselves but not fret or obsess over what we can’t change, what could have or should have been, or negatively compare our lives to others. 

He doesn’t have much but what he does have is enough. He has one hour each day and he knows how to make the most of it.

Henry wakes up and he says, about the green numbers on his electronic clock,

“The glowing green embers also tell me it’s 3:01am. 
One minute gone.” 

Three minutes later after going online and checking his accounts, he says:

“3:04. 
Four minutes gone.”

There is a profound revelation here.

“One minute gone.”

“Two minutes gone.”

“Three minutes gone…”

(he doesn’t count down like this throughout the entire book – that may be kind of annoying lol)

Henry, because of his disorder, only has a limited amount of time so he knows not to waste any of it at all. 

Every single moment is important and worthy of being embraced. 

For every minute he must decide what he wants to do that minute, what is worth it. Does he want to read, listen to a song, play a video game, masturbate(lol he decides that at this moment it isn’t worth it)…? Each minute he does something he doesn’t really care to do is a minute wasted, a minute he can never have back. 

But guess what?! It’s not because of his sleep disorder that he only has a limited amount of time! This is true for all of us! His case is just more dramatic than most of ours but none of us has an unlimited supply of minutes awake!

One day, just like Henry Bins, we will drop except we won’t get back up again.

Henry was forced to realize this because of his condition. We are not usually forced by life circumstances to realize this to the depth that Henry is. Some people diagnosed with terminal illnesses or ones who have a near death experience see this much more deeply than probably the average person.

In some ways, his disorder allows him to even live more fully than a person without a disorder like this. What we may see as life hindering actually sets him free. To live more deeply, more completely, more sweetly than the rest.

He says

“…I spend a perfect minute watching a trawler sucked downstream by the sweeping black current. I used to wonder what it would look like during the light of day, how the water would look under a burning sun and puffy white clouds, but day didn’t exist in my world. Only night. Only darkness.”

I love this statement for a couple of reasons. It shows how much many people take for granted. The simple beauty we too often overlook.  The beauty of day and night. It shows us how we have access to mundane things we overlook everyday that some people long to have and never do. Like daylight. Some people are always in the dark. 
The next morning you wake up to the light of day, look around you and pretend you are Henry Bins finally seeing the light of day. Look with new eyes like you have never seen beauty in the sun. Isn’t it lovely?
 This statement also shows acceptance. He can’t have day where he lives in his position and he just cherishes what he does have.

He knows it’s not wise to spend his moments being concerned over stuff he can’t do much about currently. 

“The corpse of the woman continuously creeps into my thoughts as I run, but each time I am able to ward it off with a tight squeeze of my eyes and a gaze up at the starry sky. This is my time. Not hers.”

Sometimes we have to practice self-care and not put too much time and energy into other people’s problems and stuff we can’t change. This is especially poignant when we realize our time is limited. I think we all, or most of us,  grow up with the knowledge we won’t be around forever. But knowing and realizing/feeling it are two different concepts. Once we feel it to a certain depth, we may be more motivated to change our ways to live in the present moment mindfully, with gratitude.

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Since Henry’s time is especially limited, he checks his cell phone a lot for the minute. He has to so he can get back home safely and plan out how much of each thing he would like to engage in.

Since he lives near a murder scene, he is questioned by detectives. 

The one detective wonders why he almost  constantly checks his phone. She says,

“What’s one minute to the next at three in the morning?”

Henry is infuriated.

This detective does not know of Henry’s condition and he doesn’t care to explain it to her. 

Also, he made a big mistake and he does have something to hide.

He says to the reader,

“Those minutes are my life, I nearly scream. Those minutes that you take so much for granted because you get a thousand of them each day are priceless to me. Your life is measured by title, wealth, and status. My life is measured in grains of sand, trickling from one teardrop to the other.
My nostrils flare when I’m angry and I wonder if Ray feels a small gust of wind. Taking a calm breath, I ponder telling her that I’m Henry Bins and I have Henry Bins. I don’t.” 

(Ingrid Ray is the homicide detective – it’s cute because Henry and her have a little crush on each other! Lol)

At one point Henry says,

“It’s like Christmas, each minute a beautifully wrapped gift just waiting to be opened. Should I allow myself an extra minute in the shower? Could I read three more pages of my book? Run another quarter mile? Watch a YouTube video? Watch the swimming pool scene from Wild Things, twice?”

Isn’t this beautiful? Each minute of his life is a beautiful gift. Each minute itself. Every minute to him is full of wonder and possibility. If only we would all think this way quite often! 

After reading this novel I noticed a change in me even without trying. I came to have an even deeper appreciation for my minutes and became even more mindful after just reading this book once. Then I began to apply the concept consciously and intentionally even more than I used to, the concept that each minute is a gift. A perfect gift. A minute is brief, fleeting. But it’s something. And every minute matters. 

Have you ever wasted minutes? I sure have. Have you ever waited for a bus or train and just keep anxiously looking up the street as if it will make it appear or keep looking at your watch? Or keep thinking where in the hell is this bus or train? Or have you ever waited somewhere for someone to pick you up to go somewhere and when it’s nearing the hour the person should be coming for you, you don’t just sit and be peaceful, instead you feel like just getting it over with and like there’s no point in starting anything like reading or watching a movie or anything because you will be leaving soon, in just a matter of minutes?

But even five minutes is enough to be some kind of productive. One minute is.  You can read a few pages of a book, meditate, write in a journal, a draft for a blog post… If you’re waiting for a bus I don’t think I would recommend deep meditation or maybe not reading and definitely not listening to music with earphones. It’s important to be aware of your surroundings for safety purposes. I do read and listen to music while out and about, occasionally, but I don’t recommend it to others. But you can take in the scene around you or think more productive thoughts than “when is this bus coming?!” or “let’s get this over with!!!”

Those few minutes are minutes that will be lost forever. Let us cherish them completely.

I try not to waste any minute now. The thing that really got this concept to sink in is in the beginning with the “one minute gone…two minutes gone…” That’s so true. For all of us.

I’m not Henry Bins and I don’t have Henry Bins. Lol 
But just like Henry Bins, I do not have a limitless supply of minutes. I can fall asleep at 4:00am and never wake up.

It’s not likely but not impossible. I’m sure I will live to be old, old, old and hopefully indefinite life extension will be a reality and we will all live much longer. But we all have something in common with Henry Bins. 
Each minute is a gift.

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I was careful not to give away any big spoilers. This is a murder mystery but with a deeper message. I strongly recommend it. 
I made it seem really cheesy and sappy here(I’m really into cheese and sap…) but it’s really not. The sappiness is all mine. Lol It’s a fascinating work of fiction both about a murder mystery and a very rare (fictional) disorder and how the man copes and lives with it. But it also has this deeper message. 

This reminds of of a teacher I had in high school, Dr. Zhender. He always told us in every class that no amount of time is too short. 
We can learn something of value in just a few short minutes. At the end of class instead of letting us talk or stand by the door, he would make us sit and watch part of a movie for the last five or ten minutes insisting that we never waste a minute.

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And it reminds me of a professor I had in college for Sociology. Professor Grasmuck. She did the same exact thing. In college when we have an exam we can leave whenever we turn our paper in and when class ends early we often are allowed to leave. If it only takes us ten minutes to complete an exam, we can leave or if a lecture ends early, but never in her class. She made us sit there and told us to read or something or listen to her music. At the end of every class she made us listen to music saying it would do us good. If a student tried to walk out, she would yell “sit back down now!” as if we were children! Lol But I liked it; to me it seemed like an act of caring and I missed high school when we were under the authority of the teachers. In college that’s not how it is. Professor Grasmuck was always very sweet and friendly, very caring and passionate. I have always loved that about her, how moved she would be over the stuff she was teaching us, she really feels it. She was always deeply touched over injustices and the misfortunes of others and how they would help each other.  She just did not want any time wasted in her class. She wanted us to learn and take in all the music and information we could in her class. Every minute counted. Every minute counts. 

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Dr. Z, Henry Bins, & Professor Grasmuck know that every minute is a gift and a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow and cherish.

This is a great lesson to us all!

😀

Xoxo Kim

Serendipitous Strength

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(that’s fake blood on my face for a haunted house attraction for Halloween)

I love funny and silly surveys for blogs and Facebook, like a list of weird, stupid, funny questions…would you rather be ridiculously rich financially but butt ugly physically or amazingly gorgeous, beautiful beyond belief physically but dirt poor financially? Would you rather eat hair or lick a toilet seat? Would you rather be in a dark, creepy room alone or in a well lit room with Michael Jackson? lol They’re funny questions. I would choose to be poor and beautiful. And I would lick the toilet seat over eating hair any day. Loose hair is disgusting. Aack! And I like Michael Jackson but not creepy dark rooms alone so I would choose the lit up room with him. ;-D

But anyway….i came across this question

Would you rather be buried alive or stabbed to death?

Horrible thought, right?!

But I find it enlightening. It provoked me even more to think about the strength deep within me that I accidentally found and accidentally developed.

I would choose to be buried alive.

Not so long ago, I couldn’t even imagine saying that. I just couldn’t imagine.

First of all, if I am buried alive, maybe I can find a way out or someone can find me before it’s too late. Being stabbed is so violent!
There are rare(at least I hope being buried alive is rare!!!) cases where someone has been buried alive and somehow escaped or was found before it was too late.

I used to have an extreme fear of being closed in with or without others there with me. Closed in anywhere. Even a large room or building. I would avoid closed in places like the plague. Then my fear got somewhat better when I was eighteen years old in college. In this one building I wasn’t aware that we were allowed to use the stairs. It turns out, we actually were but I never knew til a long while later. Everyday I had to go in that building I had to desperately hope there were others waiting to go on the elevator when I was because I couldn’t bring myself to go on alone. I used to go early and just linger around the hall waiting for someone who was going on. (creepy, right?! :-O lol) I never said that I was waiting. Just when I saw someone going on, I would too. If the person got off before the floor I was going to, I would get off too then walk up the steps to the floor I was going.

Then I met a girl. When I was 18 years old. One who had the same class and we got talking to each other and I found that she had the same problem!
One day I got to the elevator and she was waiting too! And she told me she’s seriously afraid of small places and won’t get on without someone else! What are the chances?! I was embarrassed at first and wouldn’t really tell people but I opened up about it when I met her.

We conquered our fear together. 😀

I always thought of this fear as a weakness and never met anyone else that I knew of who has it this bad, my dad is like this but his never seemed as bad. Everyone I knew could get on with no problem, it seemed.

And when I met her, I was sooo happy! Lol Also, we were both very shy until getting to know someone better but we both had no problem with public speaking because it’s just something we had to do for class. We both loved meeting people we never met but were often too shy to initiate socialization first. But somehow we found each other! I haven’t seen or talked to her in many, many years. But the impact is everlasting. ❤

After that, I got more used to going in small places, elevators with people and I was mostly only panicked when I was closed in alone. I often had nightmares of being closed in or trapped somewhere alone.
I couldn’t even stand walking by elevators or being in the same building with one. This was always the only thing that scared me about hospitals. I would shake walking through narrow staircases even with people. I felt like my body was turning to jelly.

One day when I was a teenager I had to get on an elevator alone. I was in the US Constitution Center at some event and the only way to leave the building was to get on an elevator. They said I had no choice. There was no one else around and the security guard said I had to get on the elevator so I did. I went into a serious panic and I pressed my fingernails into the skin over my hip bone and just kept scratching until it bled and the doors opened. I was so scared, that was just what I did, unconsciously.

I never worked on this fear specifically but during my personal development journey, my quest to find healing, working on myself to help heal my depression and cope with tmjd “cluster headaches” without realizing it, I was conquering my fear of being closed in. With my personal development plan I teach myself and train my brain to know I can handle and conquer anything. To know I will always be free no matter what position I’m in in this life. To know life is a gift no matter what. To see positivity and opportunity in any situation no matter how dreadful. I trained my brain with meditation and quotes and music and songs and writing to stay calm and composed for the most part, in any situation no matter what, no matter how painful physically or emotionally. I still struggle with this a bit sometimes, especially with severe physical pain. I’m much better at handling deep emotional pain than very severe physical pain. A certain level of physical pain that I experience occasionally can still seem too much to bear.

It’s at a frightening level and it’s not common that people ever feel it to this extent. Not even prescription pain pills can touch it.
But I work on myself constantly and even when I’m freaking out aggressively over a tmjd cluster headache, I still keep telling myself I will survive.
I was trying to heal my depression and cope with it and cope with those head attacks.

And much to my amazement this was helping me all along with my fear! My phobia(i wasn’t actually diagnosed with a phobia but it may have met the criteria, I don’t know for sure) wasn’t destroying my life because I was just able to mostly avoid small places but there were some occasions I couldn’t and had to be closed in somewhere.

Some people have a phobia where they can’t avoid the thing they fear or even if they can they can’t help but dwell on it constantly and it runs their lives. That was never me but there are occasions I embarrassed myself in public, especially as a kid, when I had to go on elevators or narrow staircases. And occasions I was extremely fearful knowing I had to go in a large building where there’s elevators. Somewhat recently I went on a job interview. I did not get the job but I had to go on an elevator by myself, they wouldn’t let me on the stairs going up, I asked, I was told no. I wanted to run out but I had the interview scheduled and I knew it wouldn’t be good to have them waiting and I never show up, years ago I would have been out the door so fast with the interview the last thing on my mind. So I reluctantly got on the elevator, alone, and while my heart started to speed a bit because of being closed in and for a few seconds I was overwhelmed in immense fear, like panic, I handled it so well. No panic. No breakdown. Just staying calm. It was so surprising. And just as much of an accomplishment as getting a job! Maybe more?
It wasn’t a happenstance. I worked to get to this point. (though unknowingly lol) I am so strong now. In so many ways.

Then leaving the building I had a choice to take the stairs or the elevator. Just a couple years ago I would have taken the stairs without a second thought. Even last year. But on the interview I made the CHIOCE to take the elevator alone to get more practice and was even more calm than the first occasion going up! What a great accomplishment for me!
It may not seem that big to some people but for someone like me, it is a tremendous thing.

Also I don’t like closing doors to small rooms even in my own house but in the bathroom there are parakeets flying around and we have to close the door. I was getting a shower one day and had to close the door. The handle is broke and I got locked in! I went into a bit of a panic. Not a full blown panic, but an intense fear, I guess you can say. Not how people with panic attacks do. Not that bad. But I was pulling the door and banging on it hoping someone would hear. No one did. But I calmed down and reminded myself. Life is beautiful no matter what. I have the sunlight streaming in the window, I have my senses, the parakeets, meditation, Buddhism and Stoicism ….the window is too small for me to fit through so that wasn’t an option. And it’s on the second floor, it wouldn’t be safe to jump. I don’t want broken bones or whatever. But just some years ago I would have jumped if I could, risking injuries. I was there for like 20 minutes before I finally got the door open.

A couple nights ago I went to the Philadelphia Eastern State Penitentiary with my sister and my dad for the Haunted attraction. It’s a real abandoned prison that is in a state of semi-ruin, almost 200 years old. It’s said by ghost investigators to be truly haunted all year. Lol It’s open all year but the rest of the year is just a prison exhibit to learn of its history, which is very interesting.

For the Halloween attraction every October, we get to walk through the dark prison inside and out in the courtyards when it’s at night, in groups. It has lights flashing, people screaming, monsters walking around, “prisoners” trying to attack us through their cells, monsters, all kinds of creepy, scary stuff. There’s lock down, the infirmary, night watch, an abandoned bus in a junkyard and other attractions we walk through. Things randomly and unexpectedly jump out at us, sometimes screaming and with weapons! There’s 3D things and people jumping through walls at us. They come right up to us with weapons holding them over our heads or up to our faces. Lol Isn’t it insane that people actually take pleasure in this? But something about a certain kind of fear is quite thrilling for people. Like amusement park rides and sky diving. And scary movies & books.
Also, I think our brains are not aware of the difference of what is real and what is not. Seeing, hearing horror in movies and things, the human brain cannot distinguish the difference. We know it’s not real but some part of our brain does not know and it has a negative/fearful effect on is, even later. That’s why too much fake horror isn’t good for us. I used to have a psychiatrist who told me that and I noticed it too when I read too many horror books close together. It has an unpleasant effect. He advised me to avoid fake horror all together. It’s not good for anyone and especially those prone to anxiety or depressive conditions.

It’s fun. And scary. I’m not afraid of monsters and ghosts and stuff but it’s kind of startling to have people looking all dead with blood all over them, screaming and with weapons jumping out in the dark at me with just an eerie glow around the prison.

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(inside the prison – imagine walking up this long hallway knowing at any moment something or someone can and probably will jump out at you. Lol creepy!)

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(it was the perfect night for a haunted house – or prison – because there was a full Moon or almost full Moon and I kept seeing it when we walked in and out of the prison into the courtyards)

They’re not allowed to touch us and we are not allowed to touch them. But this year they had something different where the bravest of the brave can wear a bright pink glow necklace they give us and this gives the monsters (the actors working in the prison) permission to touch us, grab us, snatch us, hold us back, separate us so we lose our groups, toss us into secret passageways, and do other terrible stuff. I haven’t been there in a couple years until a couple nights ago. So this was new to me.

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I love haunted houses and stuff but my one fear has always been being separated and ending up in a small, dark place alone. This still scares me. I fear dark places as well but not as much as small or closed in places.

But I decided to be brave that night and wear the necklace. I was abducted, strangled, held back, got my hair pulled, forced by two monster dentists to sit in a dentists chair so they can pull out all my teeth…they put the loud thing all the way to my mouth then I escaped!

I was almost forced into a small cell and into a weird tunnel but I ran screaming. And the monsters laughed at me. Lol

Most people did not take the necklaces and some who did decided to take them off and toss them so the monsters could no longer touch them. Even my dad took his off and hid it.

Chicken shits. Lol ;-D

I was one of the brave few who kept mine on throughout the entire prison, not once taking it off. Yay me! Lol Although at one point the thought occurred to me but I sucked it up and kept going.

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(me with my medal of honor lol)

It took nerve. Especially when most people were not wearing them so there was not many choices for the monsters and so the few of us who were wearing them were the ones who kept getting all the attention. At one point I was the only one wearing a necklace where I was and two monsters came up and said since I was the only one wearing one right there, I was the “chosen one.” I was snatched while everyone around me ran away, even my dad and sister (thanks everyone! Lol) and had my hand held under some device that came down and was supposed to pierce my hand but when it touched me it was just rubber. Lol

I knew I could have been dragged and possibly tossed into a secret, small, dark place alone. But I took the chance. I would have NEVER ever been able to make that choice, probably even a year ago.

The thing that really inspired me to take and wear the necklace is in the beginning a monster said “you came here for fear so get all the fear you can get…” encouraging us to take the glow necklace. This also inspires me in general, to take advantage of every opportunity in life to live to the fullest, whatever “the fullest” is to me at that moment. To soak up all I can, all the thrills, the beauty, and feeling there is to feel.

Being alive is an opportunity to take in everything we can, to feel. To live. To experience. To grow. To love. To make mistakes. To learn. To feel pain and beauty, sorrow and joy. Misery and happiness. To take full advantage of our senses.

I been to this prison for the Halloween attraction a couple occasions years ago. The first day I went for the haunted attraction I was hugging, holding hands with, and clinging to people I did not know. Lol It was my first year in college, I was eighteen years old, and I went as a group with other college students, all girls and one boy. The boy wanted us to go first because he said he was the only boy. But we told him no, since he’s the boy he had to be in the front.
Lol we were holding onto each other like our lives depended on it.

It’s one of my favorite memories. And after the event was over and we were walking up the dark street outside the prison, a drunk person jumped out at us and we all screamed. He wasn’t trying to scare us and just looked at us like we were all nuts.

Now, being buried alive would be way, way more terrifying than going on an elevator for less than a minute! And being locked in a room.
And way more horrifying than a fun tour through a haunted prison for Halloween.

But I know now that I would survive emotionally as long as I survived physically. I would go into a deep meditation and have my Buddhist and stoic principles and my life philosophy and inner Truth, my authentic Self to help guide me til I become physically free. I would still be frightened and panicked at some points. And maybe feel as if I can’t go on but I know I can. I have my life philosophy that I work on every single day without fail. I can survive anything as long as I stay alive. As long as I’m free in my mind, I am free. Truly free. You can be free too if you’re not already, with lots of hard work and practice. We don’t have to allow anything or anyone to restrain us.

If you work to heal one aspect of yourself you can be strengthening yourself in deep ways you don’t even realize in other aspects as well.

I want this for everyone. Whatever pain, physical or emotional, whatever fear or problems, I want us all to find a way to conquer it. A way to cope.

I never ever thought my fear of being closed in could be vanquished but it is. It’s also not completely cured. My heart still races in small or narrow places, sometimes I still think there’s no way I can be closed in alone and survive with my sanity intact, I still avoid closed in spaces for the most part, but I conquered it and can handle it now. ME! I can’t even believe it!

If you are ever in a situation you are 100% convinced without a doubt you can’t or won’t survive, remember, it feels that way, it’s not true. I never knew I can ever survive the depression and tmjd cluster-like headaches but somehow I did. I survive each one. My conviction was deep, that I couldn’t survive but I do survive and now my conviction is even deeper that I can and will survive whatever comes my way.

And you can too, whatever it is. It can get better. <333 ❤ Much love, hope, & strength to you.

Xoxo Kim

Mom’s Wisdom <3

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“A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” ~Tenneva Jordan

Today is my mom’s birthday! Her name is Lee and she’s 53 years old. Just like me, she loves the Fall & Winter. So it’s very fitting that her b-day is on the first day of Fall. My mom is very youthful and young looking. Everyone thinks she’s younger. I inherited her youthful beauty. My grand mom and aunt are also very young looking. My grand mom hardly even has any wrinkles and she’s almost 80 years old! 

My mom is very confident but she will never allow her photo to be taken. Ever. It took so much for me to get her to agree that I can take one but she wouldn’t look directly at the camera.

My mom loves animals just like me, especially dogs. 

She would always let me get anything I wanted even if she couldn’t get something she wanted. She would spend the last money on my sister and me. 

My mom always had inner strength I could never completely understand. She never gets depressed or anxious. Ever. She can’t completely understand depression or how someone can ever want to die. I’m the opposite in a way. I can’t understand how someone can never ever get depressed and never want to die. Lol  Sometimes I think my mom is just way too normal. 

Also, I have this deeply rooted insecurity I had for many, many years. It doesn’t hurt me as often as it used to but some moments it still gets the best of me. Since I was a young girl, off and on, I have felt that I need lots of friends and to know a lot of people to be worth something, to be someone, to be worthy, to be valuable. To be deserving of life.

This insecurity seems kind of childish or adolescent. But I still struggle with it now, occasionally. I have never been someone with lots of friends or someone who knows a lot of people. And it used to kill me inside. Sometimes it still does. I don’t know why.

I just want to know lots and lots of people. And I want a large group of friends and for everyone to know me. 

And even when I do have a couple great friends, sometimes it still feels like I don’t have any and I wish I had “just one friend” when really I do.

I don’t judge others like this, just myself. My mom always tells me, you don’t need anyone to be worth something. And just one good friend is enough. Deep inside I know it’s true. But I still struggle now and then.

I always wished I could be like my mom in that way, to never ever feel that I need someone to make me someone.

My mom is very positive in general. She never let’s other people’s negativity or insults get to her. I’m mostly like that too. I’m happy I inherited that!

Another thing my mom always tells me, no one needs an “important job” or big, busy life to be valuable. I know this too but it’s another thing I struggle with, that I’m worthless and things outside of myself give me value or purpose or take it away. I’m better with this now but occasionally those feelings come creeping back to me. But my mom always reminds me I don’t need anything to have value, all I need is myself. My mom has always known that she is enough just how she is. 

My mom has no problem getting older. She has aches in her bones and joints but she knows every age is a blessing.

My mom, little sister, and me do just about everything together. We get into arguments too but then just minutes later it’s like it never even happened. Lol

I was thinking today about the deep wisdom my mom has and I should start listening more! Lol

“A single rose can be my garden… a single friend, my world.” – Leo Buscaglia 

Xoxo Kim