Just a Happy Post :-D <3

Apr14

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I love all of the seasons and to me the transition of the seasons is so magical. I was walking to work one day recently and looked up and noticed all of the colorful flowers blooming to life on the trees and all around.

And the weather was sparkling and warm and the splendid rays of the beautiful sun were caressing the Earth all around me. I felt as if I have just come in contact once again with a long lost friend who I haven’t seen in forever. It was beautifully overwhelming.

My dog, Koko, died exactly one week ago and since then I haven’t been the same. I have been sluggish and kind of in a fog with no zest or life spark in me. On occasion, I was still able to smile & laugh at things and find joy but it wasn’t the same as it was before my loss.

Deep inside me I couldn’t shake that nagging deep pain. I began to not only mourn Koko but to mourn for part of myself. I haven’t felt completely like myself and felt that I may never get myself completely back again.

That’s also how I feel when my pain disorder flares up severely and when I become severely depressed. But a while after my pain disorder calms and my depression heals, things go back to the same.

I know things will never be the same now because Koko will never be back.

But I also know that after time goes by the edge of the pain will diminish some and grief will heal, although it will never go away. It will become easier to live with and I will have the happiness of knowing my dog when I did.

I have hundreds & hundreds of pictures of her in my phone but I don’t like to look at them just yet. The pain of seeing her so clearly in pictures but not having her here is very deep. It’s heartbreaking.

Today, one week later, I felt my usual life spark again, very brief & fleeting but it appeared. That gives me so much hope that soon I will get back to my sparkling self.

I wasn’t just happy before Koko died; I had this zest & sparkling life all throughout me, pulsating through my veins and blood.

I know I’ll be that way in general again and it won’t be too long before I experience that again but I sure miss it right now.

Today is my furbaby Isis’ birthday! She is six years old and I love her. She was my baby for four years and one of the greatest things in this world. She is so happy and full of life, so energized and playful.

She is a very spoiled girl today! But that is nothing new! I spoil her everyday!

But today she got lots of bones and a toy and a vanilla frosted cake. She was wagging her tail and jumping all over the place!

Also, a few days ago I accidentally came across a sign in a check cashing place, made by a family who had a litter of pomeranian pups that they had to find homes for. Their pom baby had pups and they decided to sell them, not at a pet store but just to anyone interested. Their dog had the pups without them wanting her too. So they had to find homes.

Koko was half pom and I don’t usually see ads for those kind. The ones the family were selling are full breaded poms.

My family wasn’t planning on getting a new dog as we already had three as well as other pets.

And if I were going to look for a new pet I would prefer to adopt one at a high kill shelter to save lives and not support the horror of puppy mills where they are severely neglected, abused, and mistreated.

But when I stumbled across this sign I copied down the info. The family lives very close to us and I knew we would give the puppy a very loving home that s/he deserves if we got one.

But I also knew that my dad would probably disregard the idea. He prefers to only have one or two pets.

I don’t mind more as long as it’s not an insane amount because that’s not good for anyone! Lol

But very surprisingly my dad said if I call for information we can think about it.

So I called the lady and she was very friendly.

And all the puppies found homes except for one little boy who still needed one!

So my mom, dad, and me went to see him and I fell in love instantly!

He is fourteen weeks old extremely friendly and outgoing. He is this big fluffy ball of fur who craves attention and is not timid or scared at all.

My dad said we could have him!

We brought him home and he gets along well with all the other animals.

I love him already, we call him Emmy. But no animal can ever replace another even if the new animal is loved as much just like no person can ever replace another.

My heart still aches for Koko and always will. I miss her so terribly it hurts.

I have also felt very lonely in my grief but I know others feel the same.

Last night I went to a movie with my mom, dad, and sister. We saw “Evil Dead”. It is so hilarious but I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be or not. There are demons calling people “bitch” and stuff and saying “Suck my cock!”. I was lmao!

But it’s also ridiculously GRUSOME! Blood everywhere, body parts ripped off, gore and all.

And I have mentioned in a previous post how that affects me. I have a very strong stomach and do not get queasy over blood and guts on tv or in person but I feel almost as if it’s happening to me when I see it. Yuck! Lol.

But it sure is funny, this movie!  

I’ll be getting ready for work soon.

I love working at the store but recently my coworker and me got yelled at badly! My boss said someone told her we were giving away free stuff to people. That accusation is completely UNTRUE but she believes it and said we will be fired if she hears that again. Which really sucks because someone is lying for some reason and can just lie again!

This isn’t the first day someone lied. We have gotten told about this before.

Since we have no cameras people get away with too much like lying and stuff!

Oh well though, I’m still staying positive! 😀 

 

Another thing I am very happy about is: I was filling out a job application recently for a peer specialist position/training class and on the app where it asks for basic info such as race, name, address, and gender, for gender it has options to check off: Female, Male, and Gender Variant/trans.

I am so pleased that they include other options than just the usual male/female. While most people can identify as male or female, some do not. Some prefer to be referred to as transsexual/transgender and imagine the frustration and exclusion they must feel being forced to check off something that doesn’t completely describe them! All places should be more open to variation/diversity of all kinds.

I know some trans. People want to be referred to as male and some as female but some like to also be known as trans. Some people identify with aspects of both genders while others cannot identify with either and that is all ok.

 

So yeah that makes me happy!

😀

 

I looked down and saw my “Love Life/Be Brave” bracelet earlier and love the feeling I got. This life truly is beautiful even through the pain, sorrow, and misfortunes.

 

I hope you all find/have strength, happiness, positivity, and much hope. ❤ 😀

 

Xoxo Kim ❤

 

P.S. That’s my birthday girl in that pic with me! ❤

Thank You!!! <3 :-D

Apr14

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I want to thank everyone who has recently liked any of my blog entries or hit the “follow” button for it and everyone who already liked or followed it a while ago. I am so, so thankful.

And for the people who just read it and stay quiet.

 

Some people think it’s “uncool” or shallow or just stupid to get so happy over “likes” or get depressed over not enough attention on social media websites. I agree that we should not let “lack of attention” on the internet get to us too much. But there’s nothing wrong with being grateful for and very happy about the “likes”, shares, reblogs, and comments that we do get.

I decided to create a blog account not only for myself to have a collection of all of my positive & happy thoughts, ideas, finds, and things but to try to help uplift others as well.

So I did create this blog account for other people to see. Even if no one ever paid attention to it I would still keep up with it for myself and whoever may come across it at some point. And you never know who may be “stalking”! Lol ;-p

 

I understand if you just have a blog for venting just for yourself or a blog that is “blocked” so other people cannot read it you may not care as much having no readers. But if your blog is about a certain topic for others to see, of course you’ll be thrilled over knowing that people see & like your content!!

I love that people are kind enough to take the time to read or comment or “like” my entries and stuff.

I’m going to very soon create a page under the “Menu” section here where I’m going to list the links to inspirational/positive/self-help/motivational websites & blogs.

They can be professional or personal blogs. They don’t have to be very old or completely established yet either. I have quite a few in mind that I’m going to list and I would love more ideas.

I just want a collection of links for websites/blogs with a general positive, inspirational, or self-help theme.

I’m not looking for anything in return like a link back to my blog or a promotion in any way of mine.

If you have a blog or website that is your own with that theme or if you just know of one that you love, you can send me the link either in an e-mail or in a comment here if you want and I will list it! 🙂

So many, many, many blogs & websites have helped me significantly and uplifted me even in my despair and I would love to share them with others and maybe they can be helped and inspired too. ❤

 

Sharing is caring!! ❤

 

Here are a few websites I’m going to list:

 

http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

 

http://www.soulfulliving.com/index.htm

 

http://www.positivelypositive.com/

 

I also have some other ones.

 

I hope you’re all having a fantastic day!! ❤ 🙂

 

X0xo Kim ❤

“That’s Just the Way I Am”

Apr14

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I’m currently reading a book called “Finding Joy” by Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D

 

I haven’t completed it yet but I can already tell it’s an amazing book!

 

Dr. Davis Kasl came up with this idea that is designed to help people to accept themselves just the way they are, flaws or perceived “flaws” and all. We all are going to have things we don’t like about ourselves and things other people do not like about us and that is ok. We don’t have to be considered perfect to ourselves or anyone else. We can be perfect in our own way.

 

Dr. Davis Kasl suggests that we choose some things about ourselves that we may consider to be less than perfect and say or write it out and after saying or writing it, put “That’s just the way I am” or “That’s just what I do sometimes” or “That’s just what is” after it.

Some examples in her book are: 

 

1.) “I get anxious filling out IRS forms. That’s just the way I am.”

2.) “I get scared and don’t stand up for myself. That’s just what I do sometimes.”

3.) “I wear a size 6 top and size 12 slacks. That’s just what is.”

4.) “Sometimes I interrupt. That’s just the way I am.”

 

(Page 30, “Finding Joy”, Charlotte Davis Kasl, ph.d)  

 

I believe that we should accept what/who we are even the “bad” things because we will be happier and more joyful that way. And anyway it’s impossible to be human and have absolutely no negative things about you.

 

This isn’t always easy but it is definitely possible and worth it! It’s ok and even good to make attempts to change certain things about ourselves for us for the better but even while we are working to change those things, it’s still possible and good to accept ourselves as we currently are while working to change certain aspects.

For example:

Someone who wants to lose weight for the better would benefit, in my opinion, while accepting her/his current body/weight/physique while attempting to change.

By “acceptance” I don’t mean necessarily “love”. I think we should think or say “This is how I currently am” or “This is how it currently is” and “that’s ok” and try not to feel resentment or anger for ourselves.  

 

There’s really nothing you can do right this second about how you are. If it can be changed it will probably take a while and some work. If it can’t be changed ever it will do you good to embrace or at least accept it.

Focus on the positive aspects about yourself that you like and cherish those while working on what you feel can be better.

It’s ok not to be 100% perfect in everyone’s eyes and even to our own selves.

My view is that in general, things should only be changed about a person if it’s better for that person and is a positive change. So a girl (or anyone) who wants to lose weight, in my opinion, should only do that if it’s healthy for her and what she truly wants for herself and not because of what others or society as a whole or anyone else thinks.

There have been things about myself that I thought is ok but I cared what other people thought and wanted to change it for them, not me.

Ex: My nail polish gets chipped a lot and looks unattractive even to me but I don’t have a serious problem with it. I would prefer to have lovely nails that aren’t all chipped but if they are oh well I will get around to changing them eventually.

But I recently saw people making extremely insulting comments on Facebook on a picture of a girl with chipped nail polish and saying she should constantly keep up on her nails and destructively criticizing her for not doing so. They seriously are acting like this triviality reflects who she is as a whole person. That’s quite a stretch if you ask me.

 

On some occasions I have looked at my terrible looking chipped nail polish and thought to myself “What would those people think of my nails like this if they saw?”

But I realized it’s not important to me what they think of MY nails! They should attend to their OWN and forget anyone else’s. It just seems so absolutely trivial.

I love fixing up my nails when I’m in the mood but I won’t make it an obsessed top priority because of what other people think!

Also, I have chicken legs. I did ever since I was a little girl. They are very thin like my dad’s. I also have extremely thin arms.

My mom always jokes in a playful way about my thin arms and chicken legs. I always found it amusing.

It’s mostly only noticeable when I’m wearing shorts (which I only wear to sleep in) or dress/skirt (which I hardly ever wear) though, not when they’re covered in pants.

I don’t have a problem with them. I haven’t struggled with my body image since I was seventeen years old.

But recently on Facebook I saw a pic of a girl about the same size as me with thin arms and legs and people were calling her “gross” and “disgusting”. I’m not underweight or malnourished at all and neither is she in that pic. And I don’t have a completely flat stomach.

And I started to think “Wow if they saw me they would think I’m disgusting.” I can just imagine the comments they would say about me!

And the truth is I let it get to me for a while. But I won’t obsess over it at all.

It’s definitely ok and even necessary to a certain extent to care what people think of us about some things. We’re not robots or whatever!

It’s good to a certain point to have emotional reactions to others. Good & bad. It’s unrealistic to expect us to never ever care. We need connections and to be healthy, I believe we should be affected by others.

Just not overly negatively affected to the point that we care more about what other people think than being true to ourselves.

We shouldn’t care so much that we change ourselves for them or care so much that we constantly obsess day & night!

That is unhealthy.

 

Here are some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!! Lol!

😀

 

1.) I’m overly empathetic and often have the tendency to let other people’s/animal’s problems & pain overwhelm me even if I don’t know those people/animals. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

I often feel that this means I’m very weak. And then I start to think very low of myself about it. I want to care for all living/sentient beings but I want to have barriers to protect myself against exhaustion over it. But this is me!

 

2.). Sometimes I do care more than I should about what other people think about certain things about me. “That’s just what I do sometimes.”

 

3.) I have the tendency to sometimes feel that my worth is dependent upon people & things outside of myself such as how many friends I have, how many people like me, how many accomplishments I have achieved…. “That’s just the way I am, sometimes.”

 

I am not as bad with this as I used to be but I must admit that I still do struggle, on occasion, with feelings of extreme worthlessness.

 

I know I create my own worth and purpose but occasionally it’s hard not to fall into a negative trap.

 

4.) I have the tendency sometimes to struggle with feelings of extreme worthlessness and feel that I’m different than most people in some ways that are not good or that other people may think are not good. And then I feel extreme loneliness and excluded. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

I have mentioned before about how I am a very simple kind of girl. I’m not talking about boring or shallow with no depth but I’m very happy and content with simple things, usually. That’s actually a good thing but sometimes I think it may not be socially considered so good. Sometimes laying in bed all day with my dog on a rainy day brings me just as much of a thrill as some people would probably get going on a big extravagant vacation! Lol

 

5.) People tell me I need to get a backbone because I tend to feel guilt at just the thought of coming back at people who say/do something negative to me. Sometimes I do get revenge and I usually feel guilty and sorry either instantly or later because deep inside I really don’t like causing pain or anger for people, even ones who do that for other people. People see it as a weakness. “That’s just the way I am”.

 

6.). I do like horror movies but they affect me more than they should. I’m not one of those jumpy, scared people that feel fear all throughout the movie and then at night when I’m in bed! Lol. But because of my excessive empathy, I feel pain, both physical & emotional when I see the characters feeling pain in the movie. I know it’s not real but it seems soo so real! I also feel empathy for the actors because I know they have to be feeling stress, maybe even emotional pain to some degree while making the movies. I know they chose that job but even self inflicted pain is still pain and worthy, in my opinion, of empathy and compassion!

 

7.) I have no special talents or creative abilities! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

8.) I procrastinate like crazy! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

9.) I am extremely disorganized and the more organized I attempt to become, the more disorganized I am! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

10.) I like to wear low-cut shirts and tight clothes. For me, not to attract negative attention or get lots of men. People think it’s trashy. 

But I like it because I like the way I look and feel in it. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

11.) I don’t like when people think something negative about me that is not true. So, often, if someone accuses me of something negative that is not true, I feel the need to drag out a conversation/argument until I feel I got my point across. If someone misunderstands what I’m saying or wants to stop talking before I feel I got my point across I try to drag it out for a while. My mom and sister cannot stand this and they claim that I do this merely to cause trouble and for the sake of arguing. They call it harassment. Then I feel the need to drag that out!

Lol! “That’s just how it is.”

 

I really don’t do this just to argue or be negative! :-). My sister and mom are similar in ways that I am not. When they don’t understand something or are stressed or frustrated they want to quit trying to understand and not talk about it. This drives me bananas! Imagine someone accusing you of something negative then you can’t even defend yourself and get called harassing!! >:-O

 

 

12.) I’m horrible at math. Even simple basic stuff. In college I got put in the math for dummies class because my exam scores were sooo loooww! Lol! We were doing elementary school math!

:-O

  “That’s just the way it is.”

 

13.) I am very easily amused and laugh uncontrollably even sometimes during inappropriate situations such as when someone trips or spills something. It may be annoying, possibly immature, and it makes people, especially my mom, mad! But “That’s just the way I am!”. “So sue me!” Lol! ;-D

 

I also laugh out loud uncontrollably in movie theatres at scenes where no one else is laughing, not sad scenes but stupid ones. And when there is a hilarious scene where everyone is laughing hysterically, I’m the one still laughing long after everyone else has stopped. Kind of embarrassing!

That “American Reunion” movie & “What Happens in Vegas” practically had me on the floor lmao!!! :-p

 

14.). I’m kind of the biggest pig and have to have the largest of everything when I buy food or drinks out somewhere. My mom says I eat “like there’s no tomorrow.”. Lol “that’s just the way I am”.

 

So there’s a list of some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!

 

This is not to encourage people to settle for less or to be less when we can be more. It’s to show that it’s ok to not be perfect and it’s possible and great to accept yourself the way you are, flaws and all, even if you intend to change eventually, for the better.

You’re not a “loser”, “freak”, or “worthless” just because you have a few quirks, flaws, or negative qualities.  

You are not a horrible person for your less desirable traits or habits! 🙂

I read another book before which I do not remember the name or author but the author mentioned that whenever she did something or possessed a quality she or someone else did not like she would say “So sue me!”. 

“I made a mistake, so sue me!”. Lol that gave me a chuckle!!

 

I love the feeling I got reading and doing this exercise.

I recommend it and encourage everyone to give it a try. You can list yours on your blog, in a journal, or just make a mental list but I definitely think it’s a great idea!!

 

❤ 😀

 

I hope you’re all having a beautiful day! 🙂

 

X0xo Kim ❤ 

Grief is the Price We Pay for Love <3

Apr13

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“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

 

Like I stated in my last post, I am grieving the loss of my dog, Koko, who recently died of old age. I had her for twelve years.

Grief over any loss, human, animal, even something that is not a living thing such as a job, an ability, any senses….is often seemingly unbearably painful and agonizing.

Grief over a loss feels agonizing and is pure anguish. It hurts and is one of the worst feelings in the world.

But it’s not all a bad thing even though it may feel that way.

It shows that we love something deeply and are blessed enough to have known a gift that is so hard, emotionally, to lose.

In my opinion it’s better than living without true love. Living like a zombie or numb to where we have nothing to lose or love. I recently read a quote that says something about not getting too attached to people because that is the cause of grief when they die and not being attached will bring happiness.

I agree that it’s good not to be overly dependent in any way but I disagree that’s it’s good not to get too close to someone out of fear of losing that someone.

That, to me, seems like a secluded, sheltered, lonely existence. Grief hurts. Loss hurts. But it’s still good and brings happiness to be close to living things even though we can lose them one day.

 

Early yesterday morning while it was still dark was one of the more difficult occasions. The pain was extreme. I miss my dog. I wish I were able to hold her again, hug her, and kiss her. Watch her eyes light up and look at me, wake up next to her. It hurts.

 

It was hard for me that morning to take full pleasure in the beauty all around me. There were crickets chirping and birds singing and it was beautiful & lovely but my pain is so great.

 

It felt like it would always feel that bad. </3. I felt hopeless.

 

But I received an e-mail in the morning with some incredibly inspirational & consoling quotes:

 

“There are no hopeless situations;

there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”

– Clare Boothe Luce

 

“You have to accept whatever comes

and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage

and with the best that you have to give.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

 

“If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?”

– Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

“I hope that you walk around the corner

and you get very surprised.”

– Miranda Richardson

 

These quotes are in an e-mail by Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

 

I love his writings and his collection of inspirational material. It’s so mind-blowing, warm but powerful, and incredibly inspirational.

 

Check out his page: http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

 

And another quote I have read a while ago “Grief is the price we pay for love.”. I’m not completely sure of the author but I think C.S. Lewis may be.

 

Grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply. </3 ❤

 

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day/night wherever you are. ❤

 

Xox0 Kim ❤

pet loss & grief </3 <3

Apr11

 

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a

ve a heavy heart today and am struggling with grief for the last few days.

 

On April 6, four days ago I posted pictures of my two birthday girls, Koko & Isis Summerjo on Facebook and wrote about how my family is going to celebrate their birthdays on Isis’ birthday next week. My furbabies. Both of them have birthdays in April. Isis’ birthday is April 14th and she will be six years old. Koko’s birthday in is April but we don’t know exactly which day. My aunt gave her to us many years ago and mentioned that her birthday is in April.

Koko was fourteen years old this month and we had her for twelve years. On April 7th, 2013, the day after I posted the picture of Koko and wrote about celebrating her birthday very soon, she died. It hurts me to write those words. She wasn’t suffering and she was always very loved. She was old for a dog but that does not in any way ease my grief or sense of loss.

I love animals and to me they are not “just animals”. Koko wasn’t “just a dog.”. She was my friend & my family and a big part of me just like my other three dogs, Oscar, Isis Summerjo, and Boobie are. I have lost other pets to different things and it is always very sad.

For the last couple of weeks Koko began to change in some ways. She became slower and her breathing changed. She wasn’t sick though and she still would eat & drink and was still happy. But I was able to sense changes in her that were not good.

These changes were devastating to me because even though they were not seriously dramatic, I knew they were inductions that Koko would probably not be around much longer.

This hurt me desperately.

I never wanted to be prepared for that loss. Koko slept in bed with me all snuggled up in the blankets next to me or laying on my chest all night many nights.

She always kept her little tongue out. She was so adorable and beautiful.

The night before Koko took her last breath when I walked in my house three of my dogs jumped up to greet me like usual. But Koko did not. She just laid there on the sofa and looked up at me.

This was very unusual for her. She was never a very energetic girl but she would always greet me when I walked in. I knew then for sure that I would not have many more days with her.

Then I woke up in the morning and my mom & dad came in my room to tell me she died shortly before I woke up.

All day that day and all the days after I have been very sad and grieving.

It doesn’t feel the same without her. I have a house full of all kinds of furbabies and featherbabies but her lack of presence is agonizing and obvious.

And one of the worse things is Koko and my other baby, Boobie were extremely close and literally inseparable for over 10 years and they loved each other more than anything else. I have never seen animals with a love like that for each other.

They defended each other against the big bad kitties and they snuggled together all day long. 

Now Boobie doesn’t know what is going on. She doesn’t know where her best friend is. She barks and cries now when she never did before. She shakes and keeps looking in the yard.

For us, at least we know what’s going on. We know what happened to Koko.

And I can try to find ways to cope with it.

We had Boobie since she was a few months old and since then she has never lived a day without Koko by her side.

It hurts to wake up and Koko isn’t there and to lay wrapped in my blankets knowing that’s what Koko loved to do and now she can’t.

I feel sorry for Koko that she doesn’t get to live anymore and that she misses out on all the things she loved. I know she doesn’t know she’s missing out but it hurts just the same.

Almost every night after work I would bring home four treats, one for each baby. All four of them would jump happily and come running over for their treat. I share my snacks with them and break a piece off for each one.

It hurts me now to only bring home three treats and to break things into only three pieces and no longer four.

I am happy & blessed that Koko was my furbaby for 12 years and she lived a long and happy life.

The way I handle my grief is similar to the way I handle my depression. I just go about my days as usual, not repressing or denying my pain, although sometimes I want to.

But I won’t collapse into my bed or the floor and stay day and night giving up everything, although sometimes I want to do that too. Different people handle pain differently and I don’t think one way is better than another. It’s all up to the person.

I have grieved before over people and animals and I find that going to work helps me in some ways. I love being around and interacting with people even through my grief.

I am still able to find joy in the small things. 

A couple days ago I saw someone’s old, half-eaten lunch on the side of the road and I had to chuckle.

And then a young man walking up the street saw me and said “Yeah, I love this weather; girls are all walking around wearing next to nothing!”. And I found myself laughing again.

I recently went to Johnny Rockets Restaurant with my family and a worker there was dancing around to the Oldie’s music with the cooking utensils. It was so hilarious! I actually got one of those good belly laughs!!

❤

I have found that my grief fluctuates in waves each moment. Some occasions are ok or good while others seem unbearable.

I know my sense of loss and my pain will never go away but I will learn to live with it and cope with it after days, weeks, months.

On Sunday, April 14th, we will be celebrating my pitbull, Isis Summerjo’s sixth birthday!!

We always celebrate their birthdays and anniversaries.

They love special treats and Isis loves toys!! 😀

Unlike my other dogs and cats, Isis is extremely sensitive to the environment and aware of everything going on around her. She loves and craves and demands extra love & attention. My dad calls her an affection hog. She is a very large dog in terms of her weight.

She is low to the ground but she is very plump and weighs over 80 pounds. Boy pits tend to be larger than girl ones and she’s bigger than the average boy! Lol! ❤

She loves when we sing to her. And she pushes the other dogs away when we talk to them so that she can get all the lovin’ for herself!  

Last year on her birthday we sang happy birthday to her and she was thrilled!  

Then a couple weeks later my mom & sister sang happy birthday to me on my b-day and she thought it was her’s again! Lol it was adorable!

Recently I got two tennis balls at my work for her as a b-day gift for next week.

I kept them hidden in my handbag.

But Isis goes in my bag and snoops around because she knows treats are often in there.

One night when I went out, I came home and found one of the tennis balls on the floor! She went in my bag and took it out to play with!

Then in the morning while I was sleeping she took the other one! Lol! It’s the cutest thing ever!!

She steals whatever she can get her paws on! ❤

On Thanksgiving my mom made a turkey for my dad, sister, and herself(I’m a vegetarian so none for me) and Isis jumped up at the table and carried off with the entire turkey! My dad was pissed! Lmao!

But my mom got it quick enough!

I know that animals grieve like people do but they don’t know what is going on. I am sad for my other dogs. Boobie especially and then Isis really seem to sense the loss.

 It’s weird not to have her here today and to think that everyday she will not be here.

 

Koko brought us lots of joy, love, and happiness throughout the years and that’s what matters now.

❤ ❤ </3 </3 ❤ ❤

 

I hope everyone is having a good day/night and if you are grieving over a sad loss, you’re not alone. I’m here grieving too. </3 <3. It’s ok to feel angry and sad and devastated and to express it in healthy ways. Not everyone understands how deep someone’s grief over pet loss can be. Many people feel that it is not justified and do not understand the magnitude of pain and loss of a pet. But there are many who do understand. It’s important to care for yourself even during the grief and loss. Sleep when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. It’s important to nourish your body. It’s ok to feel joy or not for a while. You can cry or not or laugh if you want. Your grief doesn’t have to look or feel like anyone else’s or any certain way. My heart goes out to anyone grieving any kind of loss.

 

 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

 

“To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.” 

 

Ellen Bass

 

X0xo Kim ❤ 

 

P.S. Koko is the baby laying on top. The pomeranian mix.

Boobie is the chihuahua mix and that big baby in the other pic is Isis Summerjo!! ❤ 

April First ;-p

Apr3

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So, I had the jury thing on Monday, April 1st!!! Like I have previously mentioned, I LOVE going! I love everything about it and being surrounded by people!

When I am around a large group of people whether or not I know them, I feel so energized, so uplifted, so hopeful.

I see/feel so much potential and hope in others. I feel so many dreams swirling throughout the air and every cell of my body.

There is a quote I have read some years ago that goes something like this “Each person is a door to a new world.”. I do not know the author or source of the quote but I completely agree with it. Every person has an incredible uniqueness and the incredible potential to bring amazing things to this life and the world around us. I love diversity and various kinds of people.

So I loved being in that room in the Criminal Justice Center.

In all my years I have not once regretted being selected for jury service.

But that day, this year I was exhausted. I wasn’t tired the night before and I got three hours or less of sleep and when I got up I was overcome with a tired kind of sickness.

But it soon disappeared then returned later after I got there.

I was sitting in the room for a few hours. Hoping I would not fall asleep. I was happy to be there but for the first day ever I hoped I would get to go home kind of early.

Some people get out as early as 9:00am while others are required to stay until after 5:00pm.

If we aren’t chosen for a trial we must go back to that big room and wait for another round and on and on.

I got chosen for a panel for a criminal case that day but the people weren’t ready for us yet.

So I had to wait.

Sixty people had to leave the room for a panel.

Then just before 12:00 in the afternoon the friendly and funny lady who works at the Criminal Justice Center came in and cut off the tvs while we were all in the middle of watching some game show right before we got to see if the girl won money! Talk about a disappointment! Lol 😉

 

But then

She said through the loud speaker, “This is no April Fools joke!”. Which made me instantly think it was! Then she said “Everyone in this room gets to go home right now!”

Everyone started clapping and cheering and I was very amused but I still thought it was a joke! They don’t send everyone in that room home all at once like that! There must have been over 100 people in there!

But when she started talking about our checks that we get for going I knew we got lucky and really did get to leave!

😀

She said one trial fell through and there were glitches here and there and everywhere or something like that! Lol

She told us this occurrence is extremely rare and especially for a Monday. On Monday the jurors usually don’t get out until well after 3:30pm, usually not until at least 5:00pm!

But we were fortunate to escape then! Yay! Lol

 

So I went straight home for a looong nap! With my snuggle-bunny (my big pitbull who I don’t sleep well without!)

 

Yesterday on a bus there was a very cheerful old lady sitting in the front talking about April Fools Day. She said “Yesterday was April Fool’s Day and I was trying to get everyone I could anyway I was able to!”. Lol! And she was telling people her funny jokes she played on people. 😀

I thought that was so cute. I love the cheeriness and zest she possessed and how she had so much desire. How inspiring! ❤

 

I hope everyone is having a lovely day/night! ❤

 

😀

 

X0xo Kim ❤

Holly, Hope, & Healing

Apr3

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I wrote this some weeks ago and intended to post it here then never got around to it.

I tried posting it and it would not go through and then later I posted other stuff.

In January, 2008 I met a girl named Holly. In the extremely short amount of time we knew each other for, she impacted me in an incredibly positive way. I loved meeting Holly and will always be so very grateful our lives crossed and touched. Holly was/is one of the most beautiful, sweetest girls anyone could ever be blessed to know or meet.

But the circumstance in which we met was very, very unpleasant. We were both admitted to the same psychiatric hospital, her for Schizophrenia, me for severe depression. We shared a hospital room together.

It was my first hospitalization in that kind of hospital and I was unsure what to expect. I am extremely claustrophobic and have an immense fear of small and closed in places especially if I’m alone in them or with someone I cannot connect with for some reason.

This was my only fear about the hospital. I’m generally not a fearful kind of girl.

Even regular hospitals don’t scare me. I wasn’t even scared when I was about to have emergency kidney surgery when I was twenty one years old.

Just the anesthesia stuff scared me until the doc assured me that the Anesthesia would not paralyze me while I was conscious when I asked her. So it did not surprise me that I wasn’t scared of this hospital.

I was admitted to that hospital in the middle of the night, taken in an ambulance after leaving an emergency room at another hospital where I was for eight hours. When one of the friendly psychiatric technicians took me to my room, I was afraid. Afraid that he would lock the door and I would be locked in. I was starting to protest the fact that I had to go in that dark room. I started to get loud even though I am and always have been a very quiet girl in general. Other patients were sleeping, including my roommate, Holly. I told the technician I did not want to be locked in that room and he promised I wouldn’t be locked in there and he told me gently and warmly but firmly to be quiet so I would not wake Holly. I saw her laying in bed sleeping and as he was closing the door I turned around, pulled it all the way back opened and asked “Can she talk?”. I had no idea what was wrong with her or what state or condition she was in. She may have been in an immobilized depressive state, in a catatonic state like I am sometimes or she may have been suffering with Catatonic-type schizophrenia or some other condition that would render her unable to talk or connect with me on a level that would make me somewhat at ease being in a closed room with her. The technician smiled warmly with a quick laugh and said “Yes, she can talk.”. I instantly felt at ease and a bit calmer. He closed the door and I got into my bed next to her bed.

Words will never do justice to express the true depth of my loneliness or level of my suffering that day and the other days I have struggled with depression. The loneliness was so suffocating I felt that itself would kill me or drive me to insanity if I wasn’t already there. My depression often leaves me with a sense of loneliness so deep I feel that I am the only one in this world no matter how many people are near me and talking to me. And in a sense I am the only one in the world, my own solitary world of painful confinement. Like layers and layers just covering me and I cannot truly be touched in any way. Nothing can penetrate. There is no connection with anyone or anything. Sometimes when I am in a depression, it can be lifted by interacting with others, seeing friends, going out, doing things…but not always and this episode was one I thought nothing could touch.

But I am the kind of girl who is always thrilled to meet new people and even through my pain, despair, loneliness, and depression that day, deep inside me there was some small tinge of wonder about Holly, sparkling through my pain and despair. I wanted to meet her.

I wanted to wake her up, as tired and exhausted in every way imaginable that I was. I wanted to know her, I wanted her to know me.

I wanted her to break through my sheer walls that no one could see and ease the pain for at least a little while.

I instantly felt some sort of connection already as she laid there sound asleep.

We were both girls struggling, suffering with some wretched sickness that landed us in that hospital.

But I knew I couldn’t wake her. So I laid in my bed and eventually drifted off to sleep. Then before I knew it I was waking up to voices in the room with me. “Who’s that?” I heard a curious young woman’s voice ask. “That’s your new roommate, Kimberly.” I heard the technician answer.

We had to get our vital signs taken and get ready for breakfast. I finally got to meet her. She had the biggest, brightest smile that lit up the room.

She asked me what I was in there for and I told her depression. “What’s that?” She asked, “Is it like sadness?”. I was in no mood at all to explain what depression is or why I was so devastatingly depressed and I actually wasn’t sure exactly why anyway. I just knew it had something to do with “not having friends or a reason to live.” Even though I did have close friends. It felt as if I had no one.

“Yeah” I said, “Something like that.”. I was too lethargic to get out of bed and I laid back down.

Holly told me to get a lot of rest and I instantly sensed her caring, generous, beautiful nature.

I told her my intense fear of being in closed places and Holly was kind enough to open the door for me and she told me she doesn’t ever want me to be scared or sick. But it turned out that Holly was struggling with Paranoid Schizophrenia and was suffering with terrible hallucinations and delusions.

She saw things and heard things, often extremely unpleasant and terrifying things, that weren’t really there. And she was under the impression that people were trying to hurt her and get into her head and steal or mess with her thoughts.

She suddenly became terrified having the door open and the noises in the halls were affecting her negatively so she told me that she would close the door and that she was sorry for me and that it would all be ok because we would be together and she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to scare me.

I was no longer afraid of the door being closed.

Holly was in that hospital for a very long while and was in and out of hospitals for many years.

Holly made sure all the patients got what they wanted and needed. We were allowed to have hard candy throughout our stay there and when one girl did not get any candy and wanted some but was too afraid to ask, I could see that it actually hurt Holly to see that. Holly, an extremely empathetic person, wanted everyone to be happy. So she made sure the girl got her candy. She showed me pictures she made with toothpaste that she hung on the walls in our room.

Because of my depression I stayed in bed frequently so whenever the other patients were getting ready for a fun movie night or activity, Holly would come running to our room to let me know and make sure I was included. I was so accepted, so included, so pleased that she thought of me. ❤ And it actually lifted my depression. I felt joy in the things we did together.

One night I was extremely depressed and lonely and felt I was suffocating. I went to my room and laid in bed in so much pain I felt like I was dying. The loneliness was so immense I felt I could not go on living. I truly believed it would never end, never get better. My world was collapsed on top of me and I felt buried alive, crushed and so broken. I remembered year before, being excluded by friends and the pain was unbearable.

It was like an endless nightmare but I was awake.

It was Hell on Earth.

All of my flaws, real or imagined, magnified and came speeding at me with so much force, piercing my very essence.

I laid there alone with the lights off, endless thoughts swirling around in my head. Endless agonizing thoughts. Holly came into the room and turned the lights on.

She told me about a dream she recently had while she slept and I told her one of mine. I saw her eyes light up with amazement. She was so thrilled to hear my dream.

She was so genuinely interested in other people and the welfare of others.

So sensitive to everyone else’s needs and desires.

And we talked that night for hours in our beds about our pain and also about lighter topics. We talked about our joy, the happiness we felt when our illness would go away for a while. Girly things like body mist and lotion and Bath & Body Works, which we both love, and all the stuff we did for fun and all the stuff we dreamed of doing and wanting to want again if we weren’t so sick. The stuff we did, loved, before incredible sickness took over our worlds, ravaged our brains.

For a few moments we were just two ordinary girls having a fun “sleep over.” Chatting and giggling, the way girls are supposed to be, not stuck in hospital beds wanting so desperately to die.

I actually smiled and even laughed, joyfully, and for once in seemingly so so long, I felt a deeper connection to someone, her.

And she was telling me of something funny that happened with one of the other patients and I told her about how hilarious it was when a boy with a spiral notebook that was his journal got it and his pen taken away and the pen replaced with a pencil and the sharp metal spiral thing removed out of the pages and then he got it back.

It was falling apart now.

I still laugh at that when I think back to those days. And even through the painful memories I can feel amusement and light.

🙂 😀

We laughed hysterically over the silliness we felt and how they took away our clothes and things and our shoelaces and belts and anything else that may be a potential weapon against ourselves or others.

Replacing everything potentially dangerous with safer things. Pencils as opposed to pens, smaller towels, plastic forks & spoons, all the strings and laces in clothing, and wiring in girls’ bras, all taken away.

Suddenly for a few minutes our pain that brought so much devastation and grief and the seriousness of being in a psychiatric hospital turned into

Something funny. We made fun of ourselves instead of dwelling on the seriousness and darkness of our circumstance. How crazy we are, we told each other, being dragged into a mental institution in the middle of the night. Getting all of our things taken away.

Holly told me she hears voices no one else can hear and people just call her crazy.

“I know” I told her. “I hear them too.”

She told me how much it hurt her. I know. It hurts me too.

I have also met other amazing people in that hospital those days. ❤

Michelle. Melissa. Lamont. Latrina. Kelly. Chris. Gina. Frank. Patricia. Aquanetta. And many, many more.

Yesterday and the day before were kind of sad days for me for a reason I know not what. Yesterday I felt much sadness for no known reason and then I have been struggling with a loneliness so deep, deeper than I have felt in so so long. The kind of loneliness that even great company cannot cure. It’s not as bad as it was then. And there’s another difference. I am stronger now. And I know this pain and loneliness are only temporary.

I know this pain. I know it well.

It will come and it will go. I now know that I can live. I did not know then what I know now.

I will always think of and remember Holly and the others. I haven’t seen her since I left the hospital. I know nothing of her now other than what I knew then. I have been thinking of her and the rest a lot yesterday. How they inspired me so deeply and let me see hope and light through so much darkness.

If I can laugh with a girl while we sit in our hospital beds being accused of being “crazy” hearing crazy voices, having disturbing thoughts, being locked away, I can sure sit here and laugh now! 😀

I am in a much, much better place. What a great accomplishment. Being able to be strong enough and knowledgeable enough to not let my mood sink deeper into the depression I was living then.

The depressive episodes are so much easier to handle now. And less frequent and less depression in the middle.

It’s strange but in a beautiful way. Weird to feel the same old pain sometimes but still be able to stay positive to a certain degree and even feel a shred of happiness amidst the pain and not want to die. Sometimes, even back then, I felt happy with the pain but even more now.

Before, sometimes even beneath the happiness I still felt a kind of lingering sadness, not always but on occasion. Now even through the sadness I still feel a kind of happiness more than before.

So beautifully strange. It feels weird but beautiful to live voluntarily and not just because I have to or out of fear. There have always been days/weeks/months, during my years of frequent depression, I truly wanted to live and was genuinely happy but then the depression would come back and stay a while and take my will to live. Sometimes for months. Then when I would be happy again, it felt strange and beautiful.

I will healthily mourn all my days/years lost to pain, while celebrating all the days it would lift and I would be happy, and I will move on and embrace the now I am blessed to know.

❤ </3

Wherever Holly is, I hope she is well and this goes for everyone else too. I hope everyone who is at a low point can find some consolation, hope, beauty, & light. Remember when you’re at your lowest point, the only way is up! 🙂

“Bless the broken road that led me straight to you.” ❤

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~Alice Cooper ❤

“To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.”

Ellen Bass

Xoxo Kim ❤ 😀

Spring Lovin’ <3

Mar31

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. For the last few years I have been honored to be invited to my good friend’s house with his lovely family & friends to celebrate the Passover Seder.

On Monday, I attended the Seder. It is always beautiful and inspiring.

I’m not a religious girl but I tend to find inspiration and light everywhere, in various quotes/readings/celebrations/ideas/books/concepts even if they have a religious tinge to them.

One of my favorite readings is the song “Dayenu” (It Would Have Been Enough for Us).

I love the expression of gratitude that is this song.

The message is beautiful. We have so many blessings and even if we had less than what we now have, that would still be enough. We are incredibly blessed.

Also, I love learning about the struggles and pain and then the liberty and hope that people experience. The readings about Miriam are also lovely. She made the choice to go against someone in charge to do what is just even though it was risky.

It’s Spring here in Philadelphia but it does not feel like it at all.

It feels much like Winter and sometimes Fall everyday. It has been raining and snowing. But that’s ok to me because I love love love what many people consider “miserable” weather. Lol!

But my little heart has been longing for some beautiful warm days. ❤

I am incredibly grateful today. A couple days ago I bought lots and lots of amazing books at a bookstore. I have been wanting so badly to go to a bookstore and splurge on some amazing books but I don’t have much money.

But my sister and me got to go recently.

I will post about some of those soon! 😀

In my house, there is a very unpredictable environment. I live with my mom, dad, and little sister. My mom and dad have always, for as long as I can remember, had problems with each other off and on. Yelling, arguing, my dad moving out and coming back, and through the years, even physical violence (my dad throwing things, breaking things…, threats of physical violence..) And domestic abuse on my dad’s part. He has explosive outbursts of anger that he doesn’t care to control or try to get help for so it does get somewhat crazy, I guess you can say, in my house.

And there was recently a trivial conversation with my mom and dad that turned into a big blowup because of my dad.

But that ended and for that I am very grateful.

Here is my list of happy for today!

1.) Spring weather coming soon!

2.) The stars and birds outside my window.

3.) Amazing books

4.) Oldies music

5.) Seeing great friends recently

6.) Friendly strangers

7.) Inspirational quotes

8.) The beautiful sky

9.) Cake :-p

10.) Belly laughs that hurt

11.) Becoming emotionally stronger more and more everyday! ❤

12.) Furfriends. ❤

13.) I have been selected for jury service which I am required to attend on Monday, April 1, 2013!! I got selected every other year since I was 20 years old and now every year and I love it! I don’t know anyone else that I know of who loves being selected and going to the Criminal Justice Center as much as I do! They usually complain and try to do all they can to get out of it! Lol!

But not me! I would volunteer if I could every week or month.

On the “It’s Your Turn” paper it says it’s a privilege to be selected. It sure is! 😀

I always wanted to be on a trial but never even came close to being selected for that until last year! But I was not selected afterall. :-/ I was interviewed in a court room for a homicide case for second degree murder. No death penalty involved.

But the judge decided that the case was too similar to something that happened to me years ago.

What a disappointment!

In this homicide case, a man was murdered by a man with a gun. He was shot and killed for money. Years ago a man held a gun to my chest while I was working alone in a store and he stole money. He threatened to kill me unless I gave him the money. I refused. I know some people think that is stupid and just crazy but that was my decision.

So he demanded it again and I still refused. I did not really believe he would kill me and it was shocking and unexpected.

But then he said if I did not give him the money, he would kill me, take the money and then go over across the street to the bar that my boss owns and kill as many people there as he could. So I gave him the money and no one was hurt.

After he left and I thought about it, I realized that made no sense at all. What would be the sense of killing everyone else after he kills me and gets the money?

Those people had nothing to do with it.

So, I think he just said that to get me to give him it.

I saw something similar in a movie after that happened to me.

A man tried to force a girl to get in a casket to bury her alive. She would not do what he said so he said he would kill her. She still refused so he said he would kill her then kill her friends and family so she had to listen to him.

Then three months later the man who threatened me came back and said he had the gun again and that I better give him the money but that day after three months of thinking about it I said no way. He’s not getting the money.

So I took a step back and walked towards the door and he ran away. Not getting any money.

I wasn’t hurt at all but he was never caught. I got a good look at him but the police never found him even though I tried to help them. The police/detectives were very dedicated and caring and showed up quickly to help.

I have much gratitude for all the hard and often dangerous work they do everyday.

I was asked to go to the detective station and try to identify the man looking at pictures. None of the pictures were of him. All of the police/detectives were all very friendly but one was in a bad mood.

He said bitterly “You keep saying you don’t see him! What if you do see him, will you bother to tell us?!”. I felt a pang of anger surge through me. He seemed to be accusing me of not trying to identify him. But why would I say I don’t see him in any of the pics if I really did? I wanted him caught too.

I don’t want a gun to be held to anyone else.

But my anger melted into gratitude for the detective. This is a man who spends days and nights looking for criminals, seeing so much violence, knowing criminals are on the loose, and putting up with people trying to cover for them and not caring and trying to interfere.

I can only imagine the stress and frustration they must endure a lot of days trying to help people and make the city as safe as possible. So instead of being angry I decided to be more open-minded and try to understand why he would react the way he did.

I try to do that as often as possible. Try to understand why people do and say what they do instead of being angry.

14.) And much, much more.

I love all seasons. I believe they are all so magical and beautiful. And I love how Spring is symbolic of new hope and growth after a long, cold, barren Winter.

At my work we still have Winter hours because of the cold weather but Spring hours will be here soon which means five days a week for me! It gets very stressful but I love the job even though it can be overly demanding.

You know when you have a truly blessed life? When you actually feel happy at the thought of having work that day.

It’s rare that I don’t feel like going into work. And even on the rare days that I don’t usually when I get to work, it’s all good!

I learned a lot by working at a store. Things people probably would never expect about working at an ice cream store.

I learned a lot about people and patience and working under pressure. It’s not an important job at all but to the people ordering ice cream and milkshakes, it’s important to them at that moment and it requires care and attentiveness to people’s needs and desires.

It’s important to be kind to people and caring in all situations.

I definitely believe my job is a great preparation for future jobs

I am here now in my new world of joy and happiness. I still struggle with depression, and feelings of loneliness every now and then but nowhere near like before. It is not as frequent and usually not as bad. And I am determined to stay like this, to never ever go back.

I can’t imagine going back. My depression wasn’t constant or everyday. But it was sometimes frequent. It would lift sometimes for a long while and feel like it would never return. Then it would.

I hope you all have a great day/night! And remember whatever problem you are struggling with, hope and healing is possible! <3. Hold on no matter how difficult!

X0xo Kim ❤

“Carry Me Like Water” – a novel

Mar12

ImageI love to read but I usually don’t read novels. I have read random ones throughout the years that I love that somehow randomly made it into my hands but since I don’t have a favorite topic or favorite author I usually don’t know where to start to find novels I may like to read.

But recently I found one that captured my heart completely.

I go to used bookstores/thrift stores mostly for books and some of them have plastic bins full of free books. One day recently I bought a shitload of self-help books and was walking out the door and noticed a book in the free bin called “Carry Me Like Water”. I never heard of it before then and did not think for a second that I would actually read or like it before I read the description. But the name, that lovely name, “Carry Me Like Water” drew me in, touched me in an indescribable place, inspired me, and so I snatched it up just for the hell of it!

And whooooaaa am I glad I did!!

I read the back of the book and just knew I had to give it a try. But when I got home, I threw the book aside and promised myself I would read it later. A few weeks have come and gone and I finally picked up the book again and began reading. Since the very first page I was hooked!

Hopelessly, desperately hooked.

There are some books I have read and love but certain parts of it or pages kind of bored me somewhat but this book? Not one word bored me. Not one! What a page turner!

I read it day and night and was through with it in just a couple short days. If it wasn’t for having to sleep and a couple of other essential things I would have read it in one day or less! It has 502 pages.

When I read novels I come to get so attached. I come to love the characters almost as if I know them! And I mourn them when my reading is complete. While I can never wait to get to the end to see what happens, a part of me dreads it because while I can read the book again and again it just won’t be the same as the first read!

This book truly has my heart. I love it. It’s beautiful, captivating, heartwarming, heartbreaking, inspiring, painful, breathtaking, agonizing.

Brilliantly, brilliantly, breathtaking.

It explores some deep sorrows that our world endures such as unjust discrimination against people of certain races, incestuous sexual abuse, homophobia, classicism, HIV/AIDS.

It is a beautiful story of hope, healing, forgiveness, moving on, trust, honesty, friendship, love, and family, romantic as well as platonic/friendship love, self acceptance and the acceptance of others, even those who are different than the character or who have made seemingly unforgivable mistakes.

It takes place in the 80’s/90’s in San Francisco & El Paso and involves a group of people including Caucasian and Latino people and Homosexual & Heterosexual people who are all connected somehow but do not know or realize it. Their lives have crossed or touched somehow at some point. Some do not know it and some want to forget. Their lives are all broken and they all struggle with some sort of emotional pain and very difficult problems that are extremely hard to face and admit.

It explores borders, both geographical as well as emotional borders.

I would fall asleep at night reading it and wake up and begin again!

It shows how people can heal even after horrific tragedies like abuse and loss and abandonment and social injustices and how family is not always biological or blood.

This is thoroughly entertaining and gut-wrenching. I felt every emotion conveyed by the author and experienced by the amazing, incredible characters. I felt like I was involved with the lives and hearts of those people. I haven’t felt that way over a novel since I read my other favorite book, the semi-fictional, “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey about his beautiful, agonizing struggle to overcome substance addiction. 

It is a lovely story! ❤

 

“Carry Me Like Water”

Published in 1995

Author: Benjamin Alire Saenz 

 

My favorite kind of books/novels, other than self-help, I realize, are ones of hope & healing, perseverance, and overcoming problems that once seemed impossible to overcome. I have a hunger for more of those books. I just have to see what subject they fall under. There are murder mysteries, science fiction, romantic comedy….I guess I have some exploring to do!

 

😀 ❤

 

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” 

― Francis Bacon, The Essays

 

 

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” 

― Winston Churchill

 

 

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” 

― Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.” 

― Abraham Lincoln

 

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” 

― Nelson Mandela

 

“When you get to the end of your rope. Tie a knot and hang on.” 

― Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

“That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.” 

― Bill Watterson

 

When things go wrong, don’t go with them.” 

― Elvis Presley

 

“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” 

― H.G. Wells

 

 

“It’s not how we fall. It’s how we get back up again.” 

― Patrick Ness, Monsters of Men

 

Let pain make you BETTER not Bitter!! ❤

Art Journaling Love

Mar8

ImageI have just recently discovered the love of art journaling and paper painting. I love to write too but there are some thoughts, emotions, fantasies swirling around in my head that cannot be expressed in writing because I cannot find the words I’m searching for!! Or they just do not appear to me to be as magical as the energy igniting in me. So they spill out in painting and coloring and drawing. And coloring, painting, drawing is just fun!!!

Like I have mentioned before I have never thought of myself as very creative or skilled at anything like drawing or painting. I’m more skilled at research and academic papers but what good is that?! Lol. That stuff is good for students and some jobs but I’m just a girl looking for some creative outlets and colorful fun!! ;-p  

But I’m actually quite pleased with my drawings! They’re not so bad! And there’s one in particular that I really like. Not so much the visual aesthetics of it as the concept. It’s a black page with a small golden yellow light and a hand reaching towards it. I drew this to symbolize that no matter how much darkness or pain there is now, there is always at least a small glimmer of light that we can reach for. And the light can always get brighter & brighter and then eventually transcend the darkness.

 

The picture of my picture isn’t the best but it’s alright. Lol

 

I hope you’re all having a beautiful day/night wherever you are! ❤

X0xo Kim ❤