Tag Archive | hope

Embracing Life as the Whole That it is

“I love this crazy, tragic
Sometimes almost magic
Awful, beautiful life” ~ Darryl Worley

Life is full of beauty & pain, despair & hope, heartbreak & healing, heartache and growth, learning and evolving, Tragedy & dreams, setbacks & blessings. It’s full of grief, loss, winning & losing, wonder & awe, laughter & tears, smiles, good & bad, happy & sad, simplicity & chaos, comfort, consolation, solace, confusion, clarity, inspiration, love.

I cherish the simplicity that glimmers amidst the chaos & disorder, the smiles that shimmer through the tears, the laughter that still finds its way through heartache, the beauty that glistens in pain, the stars & the Moon that sing through the darkness, the still that rests beneath the clatter.

There is hope in the sunrise, comfort in the moonlight, life in the blue sky, love in the setting sun.

I find joy in the simple treasures, my long hair blowing in the wind, The rhythm of life pounding through my chest, sunbeams gently caressing my soft skin, the sweetness of hot tea, early mornings in bed with my dogs, the sounds of the city & the sounds of Nature dancing into my eardrums, starlit nights, daylight, the way the trees sway in the soft breeze, raindrops & snowflakes.

I want to live all of life, feel, embrace it for all that it is, happy, sad, good & bad. I don’t want to miss a thing.

“HATE has 4 letters, but so does LOVE. ENEMIES has 7 letters, but so does FRIENDS. LYING has 5 letters, but so does TRUTH. HURT has 4 letters, but so does HEAL. Transform every negative energy into an aura of Possibility. It is our perception that makes the difference in the way we feel.”

Xoxo Kim

I can see the light of a clear blue morning….

Sep17

” Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.”
Kevyn Aucoin

” It’s been a long dark night
And I’ve been a waitin’ for the morning
It’s been a long hard fight
But I see a brand new day a dawning
I’ve been looking for the sunshine
‘Cause I ain’t seen it in so long
But everything’s gonna work out just fine
Everything’s gonna be all right
That’s been all wrong

‘Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day
I can see the light of a clear blue morning
And everything’s gonna be all right
It’s gonna be okay” ~ Dolly Parton

Hello!! I’m up bright & early today and deeply inspired by the Morning & all its loveliness. I’m getting ready for a psychotherapist appointment soon! I’m blessed to be awake & alive at this moment. Last night I struggled hard with my facial pain disorder. I was bordering on feelings of hopelessness but kept reminding my self of part of my own life philosophy to always try as best as I can to keep hope alive. I only got two hours of sleep and will probably be hit hard by that fact later and need a little nap! ;-D.

Today my pain is much less. But my jaw is still locked, not completely but enough so that it’s very hard to eat and drink.

Is it morning where you are? If it is, why don’t you start your day with happy thoughts?! Think of at least three things you are thankful for. They can be big or small things.

How about thinking in terms of what you DO want today as opposed to what you don’t want? Those thoughts are more positive, creating positive energy in and around you. And maybe more likely to contribute to you acting in positive ways, attracting positive things.
Also, smile! 😀

Even if it’s not morning you can do these things!
I am already in love with the promise of today.

I hope you are well wherever you are! Much love, laughter, & blessings to you!
🙂

Xox0 Kim

P.s. The two above pictures are mine (I am aware one of the words is spelled incorrectly, it’s my phones’s fault it autocotrects wrong spellings sometimes & I hit save and do not care to fix it til later, lol) . And here’s one that is NOT mine but it’s hilarious! I don’t know who the pic belongs to:

I almost never put pictures on this blog that are not mine but this is too good not to! Lol!

Gratitude & Pain <3

Sep9

I am struggling today with a severe tmjd flare up. Tmjd is my chronic, currently incurable facial pain disorder. I have pain which is mild to moderate to unbearably severe and beyond.

There’s really no effective treatments other than home remedies. My current flare up is bad but not as bad as it sometimes is. It’s moderate bordering on severe. But not yet to the point when I would scream at the top of my lungs for hours through the night.

I woke up while it was still dark out in excruciating pain. So what better circumstance to write a gratitude list?!

I want to strengthen my habit of associating my pain with gratitude & joy. It hurts. So bad. So I will think of & list & dwell on all of my wonderful blessings.

1.) beautiful uplifting quotes

2.) I have friends & family & people I know.

3.) hope

4.) I have a job

5.) my beautiful senses & body & ability

6.) this blog

7.) this Fall – like evening
8.) Pumpkin Spice coffee
9.) lovely music
10.) adorable animals

11.) my positive attitude

12.) my ability to feel pain

13.) The fact that I am loving & ccompassionate for people whether I know them or not

14.) The fact that I filled out an application recently for job/training for peer specialist /counseling

15.) The stars & moon above me.

So here is my brief list. There’s so much more I couldn’t possibly list it all.

I’m too blessed to be able to list all my blessings. Lol. ;-D

I hope you, too, are feeling blessed. My heart goes out to all of you struggling with chronic pain and/or sickness. My heart breaks to think of it and how so many people have pain worse than and more frequent than mine. I wish I could take it away.

Much love & healing to you. May we find strength, hope, healing, & comfort in our pain & darkness.

Xox0 Kim

P.s. Always remember, “When you’re going through Hell, keep on going….”

An Inspiring Conversation

Aug23

” I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU. “~Mayor John Pappas (City Hall, 1996)

About a year ago, I had a conversation with someone at work one night. At first, I found this conversation to be very unpleasant but shortly after the conversation ended, I felt energized, inspired, uplifted, and so hopeful.

This conversation is one of the things which has had the greatest, positive impact on me in my journey to recover my suicidal depression.

A person was talking to me about drug addiction and people who struggle and have struggled with addiction. She had a very negative view of people who have suffered substance addiction, even the ones who have overcome it and no longer consume illegal/recreational drugs.

She basically held the view that drug addicted people are lost causes who are bound to go nowhere in life. And even when they recover or heal, they will always be “druggies”. “Druggies” who even after recovering will never find redemption or worth.

I couldn’t have disagreed with this girl more. I see so much potential and hope and light in almost everyone I look at. People are remarkably strong and resilient and can overcome and move forward even when it’s hard. Even when it’s painful and all seems hopeless. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it’s all just so dark.

There can always be light. When I look at a person, even a troubled, difficult, broken person with great obstacles and challenges, I don’t see an addiction or an illness or a mere label or a “lost cause”. I see a person. A light. Possibility and hope. Hope for healing. Hope for change.

Everyone has something to contribute to this world and everyone around us whether or not they realize it and even when it feels impossible. You may feel so empty, so broken, so devoid of life, so hopeless but you are not beyond healing or hope or love.

A person who has struggled with addiction and has overcome or healed that addiction and no longer takes drugs/alcohol has acheived an incredible accomplishment. It takes great strength and courage and dedication to pick up the broken pieces, the shattered parts of self and put them together again and become whole. There may always be scars, cracks, breaks, pain..but it’s possible to move forward and find true happiness, true joy in existence.

Why judge someone negatively for previous mistakes or a health condition or a choice that got out of control?

I have never struggled with addiction of any sort and cannot possibly know what it’s like. All I can know is that it is painful, devastating, heartbreaking and difficult for the person who is addicted and everyone around that person and that it IS possible, with help & support of various kinds, to get better enough to live and be happy living. Whether or not the person is completely recovered with no more urges or still has urges that are difficult to resist. Even someone who relapses now and then.

It’s not always easy for an addicted person to know this or to ask for help or to not relapse. And people struggling with addiction deserve empathy, understanding, compassion, love, encouragement. They aren’t monsters. Many of them may steal and assault people and become unrecognizable to those who knew them before the tragedy of addiction but they are not all bad people . Underneath the devastation and the addiction is an amazing person who can find hope and healing.

After this girl I had the conversation with left me that night I started to think about our contrasting views. She viewed people who struggle with addiction as some of the lowest people on Earth, worthless, bad, taking up space in a world they don’t deserve.

And I view them as the people they are. Worthy of love, empathy, care, acceptance, compassion…

And I started to think about how we need more people in this world with my view. We need people with better understanding and compassion.

I thought of my own struggle with suicidal depression, which back then, a year ago, was not as healed as it is today, right now.

I thought of all the moments I wanted to kill myself in this life, feeling as if I had nothing to live for and never ever would , as if I was worthless, empty, nothing, as if the pain was just too much to bear, weighing too heavy on my life, to go on.

And I realized if I ever kill myself, I kill my compassion for others, my love, my empathy, my understanding, my acceptance, my open mindedness. If I kill myself, I kill all the chances I will ever have to help another, before those chances even begin. If I kill me, I kill the opportunity to tell someone s/he is not a lost cause, not an addiction, not a loser, not deserving of callousness and abusive insults and cruelty. I kill the chance to tell someone there is hope.

I’m not an expert on addiction. I don’t know exactly how to handle an addicted person, especially one who is acting out. They may need firmness every now and then and not all sap and gentleness, I don’t know. But that’s not my point anyway; my point is that we need more people with compassion and positive views of troubled people. We need people who will not destructively criticize and tell people there’s no hope for them.

This goes for any troubled person or anyone who has made mistakes with serious consequences, not just addicted people.

And that if you ever kill yourself, you kill every positive aspect of yourself, your opportunity to eventually be fulfilled and healed and find or create a sense of purpose, and your opportunity for growth and your opportunity to impact the world and maybe even just one life for the better.

You’re under no obligation to live for others, it’s yourself you should live for. But there are people who need you to live, you may not have met them yet and maybe won’t meet them for many years, maybe you never will but your life will somehow touch theirs. Someone, somewhere needs YOU to LIVE. And eventually you will find or create a sense of purpose for your own existence.

Live for yourself and your own empathy and care and love. And live for all of your good qualities and possibilities.

I vowed to myself that night after that conversation which at first I believed to be unpleasant, that I will never take my own life. We should all live for ourselves. But when I used to get suicidal, I did not want to live for me. I saw nothing in me worth living for. But that night I vowed to never, ever end my own life even if I feel like it because if nothing else, there’s one thing in me worth surviving for, my concern and care for others. My empathy, my ability to see beyond illnesses and difficulties and troubles and mistakes, my desire, my longing to help heal and console in any way I can. This fulfills me. I know those aren’t my only reasons for living, my reason is just to be, but when I’m contemplating suicide I usually see nothing to go on for. But this view is something I will always believe in. Helping others, also helps me. We are all connected.

I don’t live to be a “slave” and used by others, I allow myself to be fulfilled by helping and positively impacting anyone I can.

There are many, many people like me who feel this way about people, that they can heal and are deserving of compassion and love. And if I kill myself there will be one less of us.

(No one should kill themselves even if they aren’t compassionate or empathetic or caring.

Since that night, I haven’t seriously contemplated ending my own life. And if I ever do again, I have a sweet reminder of something worth living for.

And there’s also another lesson to be learned here, anyone can be our teacher even those who are unpleasant, even unpleasant encounters can be inspiring and teach us valuable lessons. This young woman who I debated with that night, this at first seemingly unpleasant encounter, provided me with the chance to think about things which have filled me with hope & inspiration.

And here I am today, still inspired, still hopeful, still going strong.

Xox Much love, blessings, & hope to you all.

~Kim

“Don’t judge me by my past, I don’t live there anymore.”

“Possibilities are everywhere.”

“Always go the extra mile, it’s never crowded.”

“Your past is a gift to guide you, it doesn’t have to imprison you.”

How do you live? <3

Jun27

” Not how did she die, but how did she live?

Not what did she gain, but what did she give?

These are the units to measure the worth

Of a man as a man, regardless of birth.

Not, what was her church, nor what was her creed?

But had she befriended those really in need?

Was she ever ready, with word of good cheer,

To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?

Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say,

But how many were sorry when she passed away. ”

~Unknown

I saw this quote in a book and I love it! To me, it rings so true. For many of us, the first thing we think when we hear a person has died, even when we never knew that person is, “How did s/he die!?”. That’s our morbid curiosity. There’s nothing wrong with that. But what’s more important than that is how the person lived. I don’t want to think about or dwell on the tragic or sad circumstances of someone’s death. I want to bask in the wonder, love, beauty, and glory of that person’s life and the imprint the life of that person leaves on this Earth with all of us who still live. Even if I never knew that person, I can still be impacted by the life s/he lived.

Have you ever read an online memorial or an obituary in the newspaper for a person who died? While very sad, it can be quite inspiring. Try reading an obituary or online memorial for a stranger and the comments written by those who are grieving and all those caring people who lavish sympathy on the bereaved and the dead. But instead of letting your morbid curiosity take over searching for clues of the causes of death, focus on the details of how that person lived.

Look at the smile on that person’s face in pictures if you can and feel the words written about the person. Look at how that person touched many, many other lives and made people smile, contributed positively to the community in which s/he lived, embraced family & friends, provided kindness to strangers, made people laugh, loved others
…

This is a great honor to the person and a wonderful gift to the family and friends to have the one they love who is now gone, still affecting the world for the better.

There are so many amazing people, alive and dead. They all deserve to be known, loved, remembered, honored, and acknowledged.

I saw a blog topic recently “What would you want your obituary to say? “. I haven’t completed this as a blog entry but I thought about the concept.

I wouldn’t want mine to just state how I died, how much money I got for working, and other basic details. I would love for it to describe how I was able to brighten people’s days, make them smile, how I loved animals and people and cared for everyone whether I knew them or not. And how I would always be aware of the simple joys of living. I hope that’s how people view me. That’s who I want to be.

Think about how you live. Is it really important how financially rich you are, how many expensive material possessions you have, how many work promotions you achieve, how many school degrees you can obtain, how big your house is, how new your car is, if you have the latest fashion accessories or phone….?

Or does it matter more how you help people, how you listen to people, how you love people, what you contribute to the world around you, how happy you are with the you inside, how living creatures are touched by your life, how full your heart is….?

You may or may not have an advanced school degree or a well respected, good paying job, you may or may not be extremely intelligent, maybe you don’t have much money or a great house or car or anything much but is your heart full of love? Do your veins throb with life? Do you provide consolation, love, and friendship to those in need? That’s all that really matters!

It doesn’t matter what your religion is or if you are religious or not. It doesn’t matter what your skin color or sexual orientation or gender or gender identity is. Your nationality and ethnicity do not matter for how much you are worth. I’m not saying those above things do not matter in certain situations or for how you are treated sometimes, I’m saying they do not make you worth more or worth less. Or worthy or deserving of more or of less.

Think about how you live and how you want to live. And I hope you find deep within you the things you know are important and are able to abandon the things you know are not.

I hope you are having a beautiful night or day wherever you are at this moment.

Xoxo Kim

I’ve Been Searching

Apr30

Last night/early this morning I had an incredibly beautiful dream while I slept. I don’t know what inspired this dream but I am so thankful for whatever or whoever did inspire this loveliness for me. I love dreams and the mystery of them. I believe they are often things we have been thinking of or symbols representing our ideas & thoughts either conscious or unconscious. In my dream last night I met three girls who were becoming my close friends. All three girls were pregnant. The one I was becoming especially close with was named Elizabeth. I don’t remember the other two girls ‘ names. When I heard that Elizabeth was about to give birth I wanted to run to the hospital to visit her and her new baby. It was a hospital not close to where I was and my dad was driving me there to visit her. We got lost along the way. This is not unrealistic. I don’t drive and am horrible with directions and my dad does drive but is also not the best with directions. My dad and me got into a quarrel over this. Also not unrealistic. My dad does not handle stress well and often takes it out on others. We eventually found the hospital which was close to a shopping mall. The hospital was really big, beautiful, and like an expensive looking hotel. Really complex and hard to find where I was trying to get to, the maternity ward. My dad was in a hurry to go somewhere and did not want to be late and was annoyed with me for dragging him there. My dad angrily got onto an elevator without me and in reality I am deathly afraid of elevators/ small places. And I can only go on with other people. The one he was on closed. And I felt panic stricken and saw another almost full elevator closing and I hurried onto it and had no clue where I was going. So when the doors opened I got off onto the floor that was there and the atmosphere quickly hit me with a force so potent. It was beautiful and so life affirming. Without knowing, deep inside I just knew this had to be the floor I was looking for, the maternity ward. I looked up and saw a large glass Window and through the glass I saw the most amazing thing! Babies!! Babies everywhere!! I felt so much life just surge through me. Then I walked over to the counter and saw all the staff members smiling. I asked one of the ladies working there if this is the maternity ward just to be sure. She warmly said “Yes.”. I told her I was there to see my friend Elizabeth. She said Elizabeths’s last name but I can’t remember what she said. She told me I was free to walk through the ward and go find her. Her name would be outside the room on a decoration that people made with glitter and construction paper and other arts & crafts supplies. I walked through the place and I was in awe. The environment was so, so lovely. So happy. So perfect. There were new mothers and newborn babies everywhere. Visitors bringing gifts. People smiling & loving. Caring & helpful doctors & nurses. The place was packed with people but not annoyingly crowded. Just a happy joyful place. I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and joy and gratitude that I felt I would just burst into tears of joy right there. And I could see the staff people could feel my joy and gratitude. I was so so happy for Elizabeth and all the other mothers and the new lives created. I was so thrilled to see all the new lives who just recently entered this world with so much hope and inspiration and possibilities ahead of them. New beginnings everywhere. Everywhere. ❤ The emotion in this dream was so strong, so real. Words cannot express. It couldn’t have been more real if this was a waking experience. The place was so big and as I was walking to find my friend I decided I would go over to the mall that was close by and buy her a gift and then come back to visit her. So as I was walking out I saw a young mother laying in her bed. She was clearly in pain. I was overcome in an overwhelming sense of agony thinking of the pain so many of these mothers must have felt giving birth. As a tinge of hopelessness began to manifest another thought crept into my mind. It’s true many have experienced pain but in the end they have an incredible gift. This new being that they have given the gift of life to. And it makes all the pain worth it in the end. This young woman in pain would soon be feeling joy & gratitude for her new bundle of joy and the pain would soothe and then dissipate. As I was walking out my beautiful emotions again came flowing back to me, the joy, the gratitude, the life, the inspiration, the hope, and the warmth. ❤ I couldn’t wait to buy Elizabeth her gift and come back to see her and her new little bundle of love, hope, & joy. Then I must have woken up. This dream amazes me in the most beautiful way. I see so many themes and symbols in this experience. The theme of friendship & love, life, and hope, new beginnings, and happiness & empathy. And so much more. Babies symbolize beginnings and life. They have just come into the world and have an entire life before them. Anything is possible. But this can apply to any of us at any age, young or old. As long as we are alive there is hope and possibility. And the part about my dad and me being lost. We were lost but eventually I found my place. The place I was looking for. It was there all along just waiting for me with open arms so welcoming and it was better, so much better than I ever could have expected. I had no idea what I was in for. And I found it by accident. I just stepped off and there it was when I least expected it. This can definitely apply to life in general. If you ever feel that you lost yourself or your place, you can always, ALWAYS find yourself again. And you can be better than you ever knew. Beautiful things can happen when you do not expect it. ❤ And the young mother in pain? She is the symbol of world pain. There is much pain in this world. So much. But look around at all the joy glimmering through it all. All the beauty & hope & consolation. All the life. The life that comes with pain but also healing, hope, and happiness. Living can sometimes be painful just like childbirth. But life, just like the birth of a child, is a beautiful gift. What a beautiful dream. And to think that my own head is what created this little and wondrous, inspiring movie. And all the helpful and caring people. There are so many in this world. What interests me too is that this dream was and still is so vivid. So real. I saw each face so clearly. So beautifully. And I still can. Have you ever had a dream? One of those ones you can’t shake even after you wake up? All throughout the day the feeling of the dream lingers even after you forget the content or details of that dream. They are often nightmares. But this is just the opposite. I got a little taste of Heaven on Earth. Right here on Earth. And I can’t shake the feeling. I don’t want to. When I woke up I felt so replenished, so energized, so ready to start this beautiful day. I haven’t been getting to sleep well because of my new puppy and other dog waking me and I have been waking up feeling sluggish and exhausted. But not this beautiful morning. I got up for work so ready! :-D. Even after a night of being woken up unexpectedly. Isn’t it beautiful what a sweet little dream can do? The magic your own head can create? There is hope everywhere. I have heard that all faces we see in our dreams are faces we had to see first in reality even if it was decades ago and even if only for a split second and never realized we saw them. One page on the Internet says the person pumping the gas into your dad’s card 20 years ago can be the serial murderer in your dream now! :-O And I saw all these people in my dream so clearly but I don’t know who they were to me at one point in my reality. But I’m glad our lives crossed and touched because they have helped to inspire my incredible dream. ❤ “Somehow something’s changed Something deep inside Ooh a part of me There’s a strange new light in my eyes Things I’ve never known Changin’ my life Changin’ me I’ve been searchin’ So long To find an answer Now I know my life has meaning Ow oh Now I see myself as I am Feeling very free Life is everything Ooh it’s meant to be” ~Chicago “I’ve Been Searching” Always remember there is hope, life, and a way. Stay strong. ❤ Xox0 Kim 😀

“What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what Then?” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Norman Vincent Peale & Positive Quotes

Apr16

One of my favorite writers and great thinkers is Norman Vincent Peale. (May 31, 1898 – December 24, 1993). He was an American minister and author ( very well known for “The Power of Positive Thinking”) as well as a motivational speaker and a big advocate and progenitor of the theory of “positive thinking”/positive thinking as a way of life. He is one of the most inspirational people I have ever read about/learned about. By what I read of him and his writings, I can see he had this incredible, positive, unstoppable attitude.

His theory is that we can overcome anything no matter how devastating or life-draining it is. “You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.”

My theory of positive thinking and optimism is that it is a great way to live but should be practiced in a healthy, realistic dosage and not be overly-dramatic or delusional.

It’s ok and necessary to vent or complain every now and then and it’s definitely ok to feel low, angry, sad, depressed….sometimes. We don’t always have to force/pretend positive thinking every second of every day.

We just should not let the negative things and despair overwhelm us too much to the point it is destroying our lives or making us live in depression or unhappiness.

We should definitely try to see positive outcomes and focus on the beauty around us but it’s ok to sulk every now & then and admit that you have problems or pain or misfortune.

Of course there is more to living than just all rainbows, butterflies, lollipops, and happiness twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! Lol

🙂

And when I say “delusional” I’m talking about not believing or claiming something that is nowhere near true no matter how positive it is.

An example I saw in a book before of delusional positive thinking is if a person has absolutely zero friends and hasn’t had friendly social contact in weeks, it’s better for that person not to tell her/himself that s/he is extremely popular and has hundreds of friends. Lol

Also, we don’t want to ignore the bad in the world and not try to help it when we can or act like it is non-existent. That won’t make it ok or make it go away.

We just should not let it run our lives.

Positive thinking alone is not always effective. It often must be paired with positive action.

Norman Vincent Peale has many great quotes said by Dr. Peale himself and there is also a collection of quotes and writings by others that inspired him. I am blessed enough to have come across them one day.

Many of them are so uplifting and inspiring and I will add some here to help inspire others.

Quotes by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale:

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

Norman Vincent Peale

I believe this is so true. It’s not always an easy or quick process to change our way of thinking but it can be done! One way is whenever you have a thought that something will turn out negative, force yourself to automatically think of other options than just the one you instantly thought.

Keep an open mind.

And remember that even if something negative does occur, you can find ways to cope and see it through. And if you have negative thoughts about yourself, counter them instantly with positive thoughts until you get into the habit of doing this.

“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.”

Norman Vincent Peale

This quote, to me, is insanely inspiring! Lol! :-D. This is to say that it’s not what happens to us that breaks or strengthens us but how we react to it. This is so empowering. We cannot always control our circumstances but with practice we CAN control our thoughts and emotions and learn to handle them better and more effectively.

“Watch your manner of speech if you wish to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Absolutely. Speaking/thinking negatively becomes a wretched habit that is so ingrained. Even thinking negative things in jest or what seems lightly like “I’m so stupid!” “What an idiot I am!” Can weigh on you with a negative impact without you even realizing. So pay close attention to your thoughts & spoken words and then correct yourself, gently, but firmly, with more positive words.

One example I have is when I get stuck working sometimes eleven hour shifts days in a row, which is rare but does happen, I realized when I would go in work in the morning thinking “what a long dreadful day this will be” I would have more of a heavy, negative way about me for the rest of the day. But when I would go in in the morning thinking “This is ok, I will make the best of it.”. I felt lighter and happier and more joyful.

Watch those words of yours! 😉

“Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Yet, another quote by the great Dr. Peale that rings so true to me! Being financially poor or unstable is not the worst that can happen but being emotionally bankrupt kind of is! As long as your head/heart is full of love and you have a good head on your shoulders, that’s all that matters! You don’t need lots of money or material things, although, it’s ok if you do have that. Just remember your worth is NOT in any way dependent upon that. ❤

“It’s always too early to quit.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Yes it is! Keep going! It’s worth it!

“It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.”

Norman Vincent Peale

“Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Don’t let what seem like barriers blocking your success or happiness hold you back or scare you! You are stronger and more powerful than those inanimate things. You are a person capable of reasoning and working through things creatively.

“The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”

Norman Vincent Peale

This is an interesting thought. Constructive criticism is good when it is truly meant to help a person for the best and when it is gentle and driven by true, good intentions. It is better than empty, fake flattery said to someone just to spare the feelings of the person or to have the person like someone better for praising. Criticism should never be destructive and intended to hurt, destroy, or drag someone down. That is uncalled for and malicious.

There are so many different people with various abilities, thoughts, ideas, and levels of creativity and it’s great to have their input.

He has many more great quotes. He was a very wise, intelligent, and inspirational man who had a tremendously positive impact on so many lives throughout his days here on Earth.

Now I will list a few of his favorite quotes by other people.

“We are not creatures of circumstance, we are creators of circumstance.” Benjamin Disraeli

“Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“It takes a wise man to recognize a wise man.”

-Xenophanes

I like this quote. It’s true if you are able to see wisdom and beauty in someone, you must be wise and beautiful yourself to be able to detect that and understand it! ❤

“When the going gets tough, let the tough get going.” –

Frank Leahy

This reminds me of a song sung by Billy Ocean, which I have on my phone and I love it! It inspires me everyday. ❤

“When the Going Gets Tough” by Billy Ocean

“I got something to tell you

I got something to say

I’m gonna put this dream in motion

Never let nothing stand in my way

When the going gets tough

The tough get going

I’m gonna get myself ‘cross the river

That’s the price I’m willing to pay”

I love Billy Ocean’s voice, it’s so beautiful and he sings beautiful sappy love songs which I love! ❤

I loved him since I was a young girl. ❤

I hope you are able to find inspiration & hope in the quotes I shared with you above!!! ❤ 😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

Grief is the Price We Pay for Love <3

Apr13

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Like I stated in my last post, I am grieving the loss of my dog, Koko, who recently died of old age. I had her for twelve years.

Grief over any loss, human, animal, even something that is not a living thing such as a job, an ability, any senses….is often seemingly unbearably painful and agonizing.

Grief over a loss feels agonizing and is pure anguish. It hurts and is one of the worst feelings in the world.

But it’s not all a bad thing even though it may feel that way.

It shows that we love something deeply and are blessed enough to have known a gift that is so hard, emotionally, to lose.

In my opinion it’s better than living without true love. Living like a zombie or numb to where we have nothing to lose or love. I recently read a quote that says something about not getting too attached to people because that is the cause of grief when they die and not being attached will bring happiness.

I agree that it’s good not to be overly dependent in any way but I disagree that’s it’s good not to get too close to someone out of fear of losing that someone.

That, to me, seems like a secluded, sheltered, lonely existence. Grief hurts. Loss hurts. But it’s still good and brings happiness to be close to living things even though we can lose them one day.

Early yesterday morning while it was still dark was one of the more difficult occasions. The pain was extreme. I miss my dog. I wish I were able to hold her again, hug her, and kiss her. Watch her eyes light up and look at me, wake up next to her. It hurts.

It was hard for me that morning to take full pleasure in the beauty all around me. There were crickets chirping and birds singing and it was beautiful & lovely but my pain is so great.

It felt like it would always feel that bad. </3. I felt hopeless.

But I received an e-mail in the morning with some incredibly inspirational & consoling quotes:

“There are no hopeless situations;

there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”

– Clare Boothe Luce

“You have to accept whatever comes

and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage

and with the best that you have to give.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

“If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?”

– Percy Bysshe Shelley

“I hope that you walk around the corner

and you get very surprised.”

– Miranda Richardson

These quotes are in an e-mail by Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

I love his writings and his collection of inspirational material. It’s so mind-blowing, warm but powerful, and incredibly inspirational.

Check out his page: http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

And another quote I have read a while ago “Grief is the price we pay for love.”. I’m not completely sure of the author but I think C.S. Lewis may be.

Grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply. </3 ❤

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day/night wherever you are. ❤

Xox0 Kim ❤

Holly, Hope, & Healing

Apr3

I wrote this some weeks ago and intended to post it here then never got around to it.

I tried posting it and it would not go through and then later I posted other stuff.

In January, 2008 I met a girl named Holly. In the extremely short amount of time we knew each other for, she impacted me in an incredibly positive way. I loved meeting Holly and will always be so very grateful our lives crossed and touched. Holly was/is one of the most beautiful, sweetest girls anyone could ever be blessed to know or meet.

But the circumstance in which we met was very, very unpleasant. We were both admitted to the same psychiatric hospital, her for Schizophrenia, me for severe depression. We shared a hospital room together.

It was my first hospitalization in that kind of hospital and I was unsure what to expect. I am extremely claustrophobic and have an immense fear of small and closed in places especially if I’m alone in them or with someone I cannot connect with for some reason.

This was my only fear about the hospital. I’m generally not a fearful kind of girl.

Even regular hospitals don’t scare me. I wasn’t even scared when I was about to have emergency kidney surgery when I was twenty one years old.

Just the anesthesia stuff scared me until the doc assured me that the Anesthesia would not paralyze me while I was conscious when I asked her. So it did not surprise me that I wasn’t scared of this hospital.

I was admitted to that hospital in the middle of the night, taken in an ambulance after leaving an emergency room at another hospital where I was for eight hours. When one of the friendly psychiatric technicians took me to my room, I was afraid. Afraid that he would lock the door and I would be locked in. I was starting to protest the fact that I had to go in that dark room. I started to get loud even though I am and always have been a very quiet girl in general. Other patients were sleeping, including my roommate, Holly. I told the technician I did not want to be locked in that room and he promised I wouldn’t be locked in there and he told me gently and warmly but firmly to be quiet so I would not wake Holly. I saw her laying in bed sleeping and as he was closing the door I turned around, pulled it all the way back opened and asked “Can she talk?”. I had no idea what was wrong with her or what state or condition she was in. She may have been in an immobilized depressive state, in a catatonic state like I am sometimes or she may have been suffering with Catatonic-type schizophrenia or some other condition that would render her unable to talk or connect with me on a level that would make me somewhat at ease being in a closed room with her. The technician smiled warmly with a quick laugh and said “Yes, she can talk.”. I instantly felt at ease and a bit calmer. He closed the door and I got into my bed next to her bed.

Words will never do justice to express the true depth of my loneliness or level of my suffering that day and the other days I have struggled with depression. The loneliness was so suffocating I felt that itself would kill me or drive me to insanity if I wasn’t already there. My depression often leaves me with a sense of loneliness so deep I feel that I am the only one in this world no matter how many people are near me and talking to me. And in a sense I am the only one in the world, my own solitary world of painful confinement. Like layers and layers just covering me and I cannot truly be touched in any way. Nothing can penetrate. There is no connection with anyone or anything. Sometimes when I am in a depression, it can be lifted by interacting with others, seeing friends, going out, doing things…but not always and this episode was one I thought nothing could touch.

But I am the kind of girl who is always thrilled to meet new people and even through my pain, despair, loneliness, and depression that day, deep inside me there was some small tinge of wonder about Holly, sparkling through my pain and despair. I wanted to meet her.

I wanted to wake her up, as tired and exhausted in every way imaginable that I was. I wanted to know her, I wanted her to know me.

I wanted her to break through my sheer walls that no one could see and ease the pain for at least a little while.

I instantly felt some sort of connection already as she laid there sound asleep.

We were both girls struggling, suffering with some wretched sickness that landed us in that hospital.

But I knew I couldn’t wake her. So I laid in my bed and eventually drifted off to sleep. Then before I knew it I was waking up to voices in the room with me. “Who’s that?” I heard a curious young woman’s voice ask. “That’s your new roommate, Kimberly.” I heard the technician answer.

We had to get our vital signs taken and get ready for breakfast. I finally got to meet her. She had the biggest, brightest smile that lit up the room.

She asked me what I was in there for and I told her depression. “What’s that?” She asked, “Is it like sadness?”. I was in no mood at all to explain what depression is or why I was so devastatingly depressed and I actually wasn’t sure exactly why anyway. I just knew it had something to do with “not having friends or a reason to live.” Even though I did have close friends. It felt as if I had no one.

“Yeah” I said, “Something like that.”. I was too lethargic to get out of bed and I laid back down.

Holly told me to get a lot of rest and I instantly sensed her caring, generous, beautiful nature.

I told her my intense fear of being in closed places and Holly was kind enough to open the door for me and she told me she doesn’t ever want me to be scared or sick. But it turned out that Holly was struggling with Paranoid Schizophrenia and was suffering with terrible hallucinations and delusions.

She saw things and heard things, often extremely unpleasant and terrifying things, that weren’t really there. And she was under the impression that people were trying to hurt her and get into her head and steal or mess with her thoughts.

She suddenly became terrified having the door open and the noises in the halls were affecting her negatively so she told me that she would close the door and that she was sorry for me and that it would all be ok because we would be together and she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to scare me.

I was no longer afraid of the door being closed.

Holly was in that hospital for a very long while and was in and out of hospitals for many years.

Holly made sure all the patients got what they wanted and needed. We were allowed to have hard candy throughout our stay there and when one girl did not get any candy and wanted some but was too afraid to ask, I could see that it actually hurt Holly to see that. Holly, an extremely empathetic person, wanted everyone to be happy. So she made sure the girl got her candy. She showed me pictures she made with toothpaste that she hung on the walls in our room.

Because of my depression I stayed in bed frequently so whenever the other patients were getting ready for a fun movie night or activity, Holly would come running to our room to let me know and make sure I was included. I was so accepted, so included, so pleased that she thought of me. ❤ And it actually lifted my depression. I felt joy in the things we did together.

One night I was extremely depressed and lonely and felt I was suffocating. I went to my room and laid in bed in so much pain I felt like I was dying. The loneliness was so immense I felt I could not go on living. I truly believed it would never end, never get better. My world was collapsed on top of me and I felt buried alive, crushed and so broken. I remembered year before, being excluded by friends and the pain was unbearable.

It was like an endless nightmare but I was awake.

It was Hell on Earth.

All of my flaws, real or imagined, magnified and came speeding at me with so much force, piercing my very essence.

I laid there alone with the lights off, endless thoughts swirling around in my head. Endless agonizing thoughts. Holly came into the room and turned the lights on.

She told me about a dream she recently had while she slept and I told her one of mine. I saw her eyes light up with amazement. She was so thrilled to hear my dream.

She was so genuinely interested in other people and the welfare of others.

So sensitive to everyone else’s needs and desires.

And we talked that night for hours in our beds about our pain and also about lighter topics. We talked about our joy, the happiness we felt when our illness would go away for a while. Girly things like body mist and lotion and Bath & Body Works, which we both love, and all the stuff we did for fun and all the stuff we dreamed of doing and wanting to want again if we weren’t so sick. The stuff we did, loved, before incredible sickness took over our worlds, ravaged our brains.

For a few moments we were just two ordinary girls having a fun “sleep over.” Chatting and giggling, the way girls are supposed to be, not stuck in hospital beds wanting so desperately to die.

I actually smiled and even laughed, joyfully, and for once in seemingly so so long, I felt a deeper connection to someone, her.

And she was telling me of something funny that happened with one of the other patients and I told her about how hilarious it was when a boy with a spiral notebook that was his journal got it and his pen taken away and the pen replaced with a pencil and the sharp metal spiral thing removed out of the pages and then he got it back.

It was falling apart now.

I still laugh at that when I think back to those days. And even through the painful memories I can feel amusement and light.

🙂 😀

We laughed hysterically over the silliness we felt and how they took away our clothes and things and our shoelaces and belts and anything else that may be a potential weapon against ourselves or others.

Replacing everything potentially dangerous with safer things. Pencils as opposed to pens, smaller towels, plastic forks & spoons, all the strings and laces in clothing, and wiring in girls’ bras, all taken away.

Suddenly for a few minutes our pain that brought so much devastation and grief and the seriousness of being in a psychiatric hospital turned into

Something funny. We made fun of ourselves instead of dwelling on the seriousness and darkness of our circumstance. How crazy we are, we told each other, being dragged into a mental institution in the middle of the night. Getting all of our things taken away.

Holly told me she hears voices no one else can hear and people just call her crazy.

“I know” I told her. “I hear them too.”

She told me how much it hurt her. I know. It hurts me too.

I have also met other amazing people in that hospital those days. ❤

Michelle. Melissa. Lamont. Latrina. Kelly. Chris. Gina. Frank. Patricia. Aquanetta. And many, many more.

Yesterday and the day before were kind of sad days for me for a reason I know not what. Yesterday I felt much sadness for no known reason and then I have been struggling with a loneliness so deep, deeper than I have felt in so so long. The kind of loneliness that even great company cannot cure. It’s not as bad as it was then. And there’s another difference. I am stronger now. And I know this pain and loneliness are only temporary.

I know this pain. I know it well.

It will come and it will go. I now know that I can live. I did not know then what I know now.

I will always think of and remember Holly and the others. I haven’t seen her since I left the hospital. I know nothing of her now other than what I knew then. I have been thinking of her and the rest a lot yesterday. How they inspired me so deeply and let me see hope and light through so much darkness.

If I can laugh with a girl while we sit in our hospital beds being accused of being “crazy” hearing crazy voices, having disturbing thoughts, being locked away, I can sure sit here and laugh now! 😀

I am in a much, much better place. What a great accomplishment. Being able to be strong enough and knowledgeable enough to not let my mood sink deeper into the depression I was living then.

The depressive episodes are so much easier to handle now. And less frequent and less depression in the middle.

It’s strange but in a beautiful way. Weird to feel the same old pain sometimes but still be able to stay positive to a certain degree and even feel a shred of happiness amidst the pain and not want to die. Sometimes, even back then, I felt happy with the pain but even more now.

Before, sometimes even beneath the happiness I still felt a kind of lingering sadness, not always but on occasion. Now even through the sadness I still feel a kind of happiness more than before.

So beautifully strange. It feels weird but beautiful to live voluntarily and not just because I have to or out of fear. There have always been days/weeks/months, during my years of frequent depression, I truly wanted to live and was genuinely happy but then the depression would come back and stay a while and take my will to live. Sometimes for months. Then when I would be happy again, it felt strange and beautiful.

I will healthily mourn all my days/years lost to pain, while celebrating all the days it would lift and I would be happy, and I will move on and embrace the now I am blessed to know.

❤ </3

Wherever Holly is, I hope she is well and this goes for everyone else too. I hope everyone who is at a low point can find some consolation, hope, beauty, & light. Remember when you’re at your lowest point, the only way is up! 🙂

“Bless the broken road that led me straight to you.” ❤

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~Alice Cooper ❤

“To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.”

Ellen Bass

Xoxo Kim ❤ 😀

Spring Lovin’ <3

Mar31

. For the last few years I have been honored to be invited to my good friend’s house with his lovely family & friends to celebrate the Passover Seder.

On Monday, I attended the Seder. It is always beautiful and inspiring.

I’m not a religious girl but I tend to find inspiration and light everywhere, in various quotes/readings/celebrations/ideas/books/concepts even if they have a religious tinge to them.

One of my favorite readings is the song “Dayenu” (It Would Have Been Enough for Us).

I love the expression of gratitude that is this song.

The message is beautiful. We have so many blessings and even if we had less than what we now have, that would still be enough. We are incredibly blessed.

Also, I love learning about the struggles and pain and then the liberty and hope that people experience. The readings about Miriam are also lovely. She made the choice to go against someone in charge to do what is just even though it was risky.

It’s Spring here in Philadelphia but it does not feel like it at all.

It feels much like Winter and sometimes Fall everyday. It has been raining and snowing. But that’s ok to me because I love love love what many people consider “miserable” weather. Lol!

But my little heart has been longing for some beautiful warm days. ❤

I am incredibly grateful today. A couple days ago I bought lots and lots of amazing books at a bookstore. I have been wanting so badly to go to a bookstore and splurge on some amazing books but I don’t have much money.

But my sister and me got to go recently.

I will post about some of those soon! 😀

In my house, there is a very unpredictable environment. I live with my mom, dad, and little sister. My mom and dad have always, for as long as I can remember, had problems with each other off and on. Yelling, arguing, my dad moving out and coming back, and through the years, even physical violence (my dad throwing things, breaking things…, threats of physical violence..) And domestic abuse on my dad’s part. He has explosive outbursts of anger that he doesn’t care to control or try to get help for so it does get somewhat crazy, I guess you can say, in my house.

And there was recently a trivial conversation with my mom and dad that turned into a big blowup because of my dad.

But that ended and for that I am very grateful.

Here is my list of happy for today!

1.) Spring weather coming soon!

2.) The stars and birds outside my window.

3.) Amazing books

4.) Oldies music

5.) Seeing great friends recently

6.) Friendly strangers

7.) Inspirational quotes

8.) The beautiful sky

9.) Cake :-p

10.) Belly laughs that hurt

11.) Becoming emotionally stronger more and more everyday! ❤

12.) Furfriends. ❤

13.) I have been selected for jury service which I am required to attend on Monday, April 1, 2013!! I got selected every other year since I was 20 years old and now every year and I love it! I don’t know anyone else that I know of who loves being selected and going to the Criminal Justice Center as much as I do! They usually complain and try to do all they can to get out of it! Lol!

But not me! I would volunteer if I could every week or month.

On the “It’s Your Turn” paper it says it’s a privilege to be selected. It sure is! 😀

I always wanted to be on a trial but never even came close to being selected for that until last year! But I was not selected afterall. I was interviewed in a court room for a homicide case for second degree murder. No death penalty involved.

But the judge decided that the case was too similar to something that happened to me years ago.

What a disappointment!

In this homicide case, a man was murdered by a man with a gun. He was shot and killed for money. Years ago a man held a gun to my chest while I was working alone in a store and he stole money. He threatened to kill me unless I gave him the money. I refused. I know some people think that is stupid and just crazy but that was my decision.

So he demanded it again and I still refused. I did not really believe he would kill me and it was shocking and unexpected.

But then he said if I did not give him the money, he would kill me, take the money and then go over across the street to the bar that my boss owns and kill as many people there as he could. So I gave him the money and no one was hurt.

After he left and I thought about it, I realized that made no sense at all. What would be the sense of killing everyone else after he kills me and gets the money?

Those people had nothing to do with it.

So, I think he just said that to get me to give him it.

I saw something similar in a movie after that happened to me.

A man tried to force a girl to get in a casket to bury her alive. She would not do what he said so he said he would kill her. She still refused so he said he would kill her then kill her friends and family so she had to listen to him.

Then three months later the man who threatened me came back and said he had the gun again and that I better give him the money but that day after three months of thinking about it I said no way. He’s not getting the money.

So I took a step back and walked towards the door and he ran away. Not getting any money.

I wasn’t hurt at all but he was never caught. I got a good look at him but the police never found him even though I tried to help them. The police/detectives were very dedicated and caring and showed up quickly to help.

I have much gratitude for all the hard and often dangerous work they do everyday.

I was asked to go to the detective station and try to identify the man looking at pictures. None of the pictures were of him. All of the police/detectives were all very friendly but one was in a bad mood.

He said bitterly “You keep saying you don’t see him! What if you do see him, will you bother to tell us?!”. I felt a pang of anger surge through me. He seemed to be accusing me of not trying to identify him. But why would I say I don’t see him in any of the pics if I really did? I wanted him caught too.

I don’t want a gun to be held to anyone else.

But my anger melted into gratitude for the detective. This is a man who spends days and nights looking for criminals, seeing so much violence, knowing criminals are on the loose, and putting up with people trying to cover for them and not caring and trying to interfere.

I can only imagine the stress and frustration they must endure a lot of days trying to help people and make the city as safe as possible. So instead of being angry I decided to be more open-minded and try to understand why he would react the way he did.

I try to do that as often as possible. Try to understand why people do and say what they do instead of being angry.

14.) And much, much more.

I love all seasons. I believe they are all so magical and beautiful. And I love how Spring is symbolic of new hope and growth after a long, cold, barren Winter.

At my work we still have Winter hours because of the cold weather but Spring hours will be here soon which means five days a week for me! It gets very stressful but I love the job even though it can be overly demanding.

You know when you have a truly blessed life? When you actually feel happy at the thought of having work that day.

It’s rare that I don’t feel like going into work. And even on the rare days that I don’t usually when I get to work, it’s all good!

I learned a lot by working at a store. Things people probably would never expect about working at an ice cream store.

I learned a lot about people and patience and working under pressure. It’s not an important job at all but to the people ordering ice cream and milkshakes, it’s important to them at that moment and it requires care and attentiveness to people’s needs and desires.

It’s important to be kind to people and caring in all situations.

I definitely believe my job is a great preparation for future jobs

I am here now in my new world of joy and happiness. I still struggle with depression, and feelings of loneliness every now and then but nowhere near like before. It is not as frequent and usually not as bad. And I am determined to stay like this, to never ever go back.

I can’t imagine going back. My depression wasn’t constant or everyday. But it was sometimes frequent. It would lift sometimes for a long while and feel like it would never return. Then it would.

I hope you all have a great day/night! And remember whatever problem you are struggling with, hope and healing is possible! <3. Hold on no matter how difficult!

X0xo Kim ❤