Tag Archive | hope

No stars are out tonight

But that’s alright.
You are your own light.

“Create the things you wished existed.”

Is there anything you wish to see more of in this world or around you, more love, or more positivity, specific kinds of blog posts, more encouraging people, more beauty and light….?

We can’t control other people but we can empower ourselves and make positive choices to put more of what we want to see out into the world.

I think sometimes we wait for other people to move first and we search for people to look up to, people who will do what we want to see, write what we want to read, say what we want to hear, and we search for things we can’t seem to find at that moment then get disappointed or frustrated or heartbroken when we don’t find it.

I know sometimes I get a numb feeling or just feeling gloomy or stagnant and wish someone would appear with some beauty and light or message of hope for me or put some feeling into me and I search the Internet or books and can’t seem to find anything on that occasion that fulfills my longing.

But the truth is while it’s great to have someone special come along with a sweet uplifting message of love and hope, that won’t always happen. Sometimes we’ll be lonely and feeling empty or glum.

But the great thing is, we have an abundance of inspiration inside us already and all we have to do is tap into it and share with others.

We don’t have to wait for someone else to put beauty in our lives. It’s up to us to create beauty in the ugliest moments and bring about light in our darkest hours.

If you want to read something positive about a certain topic or want to read a certain opinion and don’t find it when you search, why not write it yourself? Want to read a list of wonders or amazing things? Create your own list!

Do you want to read something raw and honest and deep? Write something raw and honest and deep and share it with the world.

Need someone in your life who is loving, passionate, and strong? While you’re waiting, be that person yourself. Work on yourself and create yourself and strengthen yourself into the you that you would love to know.

Want a loyal, forgiving friend who loves unconditionally? Be that kind of friend. Be that kind of person to the world.

Listen to your heart, listen to the song within. Listen to your own deep inner wisdom. It may be quiet and gentle but it’s there. Deep inside, you know what you need.

Whatever it is, realize it.

You have a plentitude of life, inspiration, and love within you that you can bask in, share, and bless people with.

So whatever you want to see existing, create it.

I have been listening to the beautiful song by Jack Wagner, “All I Need” and these lovely words jump out at me:

“No stars are out tonight but we’re shining our own light.
And it’s never felt so right.”

When there are no stars in your sky, shine your own light.

If you want, check out the song here:
Non mobile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cLYRsHfPkQ&sns=fb

Mobile:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9cLYRsHfPkQ&app=m

“I wondered why someone did not do something. Then I realized I am someone.” ~ Unknown

😀

Xoxo Kim

Gratitude Meditation <3

Oct23

“While there is time let’s go out and feel everything” ~ Steve Winwood

I have been meditating more regularly than usual and have been doing more gratitude meditations, usually at night before sleep.

It has a serious, positive effect on me. Not just while I’m meditating but all day when I wake up. Even with less sleep I feel more energized, more alive, more awake, and aware. And more grateful.

During my meditations, I have been overwhelmed with powerful emotions coming over me, flooding into my consciousness. One emotion which has been so strong is grief. Grief over my dog who died in April this year of old age, grief over broken friendships, grief over people who died, grief over the years I “lost” to depression, grief over people I once knew and let slip away, grief over years gone away, into the light of yesterday…

I’m not exactly sure why this is. I know meditation has the tendency to bring about strong emotions which we have pent up inside, emotions we repress or deny. But I haven’t been denying my grief for the most part. I have grieved so hard over my losses, not denying them. But grief over a loss, especially a permanent one, is not easy for me to handle. There sometimes comes a point where my grief reaches a pinnacle so great, it’s too painful to bear so I do try to repress it, not deny it but just push it aside. Maybe my meditation practices are bringing to the surface of my consciousness, the remnants of initial grief I kept locked away.

It’s possible to repress things or have thoughts or feelings without even realizing at a conscious level. The experience of my grief flooding back to me during meditation is not bad, it’s good. It allows me to experience and release. It is painful though.

Also, I have been gaining some fascinating and deep insights about creativity, beauty, open-mindedness, and seeing various things in different ways, at different angles. I feel even more empathetic and compassionate than ever. More creative and enlightened, like the beginning of some awakening that’s difficult to put into words.

Everyday I acknowledge gratitude and being alive. Sometimes I just think of things I’m thankful to have and the fact that I’m alive. On other occasions I actually feel gratitude seeping into me at a deep level, flooding the cells of my body, tingling and sinking into the marrow of my bones, just flooding over me.
And I feel so alive, absolutely fully alive.
Sometimes this feeling comes on out of nowhere, other moments I can tap into it intentionally. And other occasions I feel ungrateful and not appreciative. Or numb, trudging around in a sense of stagnant drudgery.

I don’t have to just be happy to feel so alive. I have felt this in moments of grief and pain, anger, and heartbreak. Life is full of happiness and joy and also pain and heartache. So if we’re alive and fully receptive, we will experience it all. And it’s beautiful to feel so utterly alive.

I want to pull in and embrace every emotion and feeling that comes to me, snatch it up and hold it close while I can, even the painful ones, as they are an indication of life. So life-affirming.

I want to feel everything while I can.

I want to take full advantage of the gift of life, my blessing of being alive and conscious.

Since practicing these meditations more regularly I have been feeling the deep gratitude feeling more frequently each day, not just acknowledging things I have to be grateful for, but the feeling of gratitude living and breathing, dwelling in my cells, venturing through my veins and each artery, and each breath of my heart. The gratitude and life that breathes in me. The gratitude that floods my existence, caresses my very essence.

It’s so different than the depression & despair that generally consumed me for years.

How often do you truly feel alive? So alive that you can feel every sensation in your body and notice every thing outside of you? All the colors, feelings, textures, lights…of your external environment, the tingling in your toes and fingertips…so alive on a deeper level than what we usually feel everyday..

Even in monotonous moments and routine environments?

“I will live while I can, I will have my ever after” ~ Steve Winwood

“We go so fast, why don’t we make it last
Life is glowing inside you and me
Please take my hand, right here where I stand
Won’t you come out and dance with me
Come see with me, oh, come see” ~ Steve Winwood

One very interesting thing is I have been feeling somewhat distracted during meditation the last few nights. I usually do not have this problem too often but I have been, lately, so I have been doing, let’s say, “half-assed” jobs at meditating and still seeing incredible results. So imagine what I’m capable of when I get over my distraction and give it my all!

I have been struggling for a few days with not feeling very grateful as much as I possibly can. I have been having annoying technology problems with my phone that won’t allow me to do things that I do every day. Also, I just found out a man I have known for some years and talked to frequently, recently died, of a possible drug overdose and I am so sad. He was so friendly and outgoing and kind. He struggled off and on with alcohol and other drug addiction and attempted to get help on multiple occasions. But we lost this battle and it’s devastating. And my heart goes out to everyone impacted by this tragic loss.

And to everyone affected in any way by any kind of addiction. It is a devastating and heartbreaking struggle.

It’s often easy to feel and express gratitude when things are going well. But what about when it seems that everything is going wrong, all wrong, when we have a heavy heart, a broken heart, when the world seems to be crumbling on top of us? When we lose and lose again, sinking so low it feels we can’t go lower, then we do? That may be when we need gratitude the most. Maybe we won’t feel it purely but we can feel and express it to some degree if we try and practice.
It is possible to feel a slither of gratitude even in the midst of pain and anger. And that slither can be enough to keep us going.

I wrote this.

(Much of it is inspired by

Mobile: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0R52DePavMo
Comp.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R52DePavMo

which is created by Angela Carole Brown and is a brief meditation video for gratitude affirmations.)

I live in gratitude.

I breathe gratitude.

I am grateful everyday that I live and breathe.

Every day that I have a creative idea, a revelation, learn something new, and am able to let go of old limiting beliefs, I am grateful.
Every day that I face my fears or overcome obstacles, I am grateful.
Every moment that I am given awareness of the simplest of beauties, the opportunity to experience profound joy, and feel genuine happiness, I am grateful.
Every day that I stumble upon hidden treasures, I am grateful.
Every moment that I am enlightened and discover insights, I am grateful.
Every day that my heart feels compassion, understanding, patience, and peace, I am grateful.
Every day that I act upon love and compassion, I am grateful.
Every day that I Encounter and engage with another living being, I am grateful.
Every day that I am
Hugged, kissed, and loved, I am grateful.
Everyday that I
Laugh or make someone laugh
Inspire and am inspired
Hear of someone’s life being saved
Change someone’s life or someone changes mine, I am grateful
Every day I love, live, and breathe, I am grateful.
Every day my heart pumps, I am grateful.
Every day I witness, hear about, receive, or engage in an act of kindness, I am grateful.
Ever day my heart is overwhelmed in anger, pain, frustration, negativity, bitterness, and grief, I am grateful
Every moment that I act out in anger, I am grateful
Every moment that my heart is broken, I am grateful.
Each challenge, painful situation, every loss, setback, and failure provides opportunity to learn, to evolve, to get stronger, to become more aware, more compassionate of myself and others, to develop deeper empathy and I am grateful.
Everyday that that I am
Humbled by a mistake, a thing learned, a person who teaches me…I am grateful.
Everyday I am faced with
Seemingly unbearable pain, and struggles
I am grateful
Every day for Lessons learned, I am grateful
Every day that
I am Strengthened by pain, I am grateful
Every day for moments of
Quiet and reflection, I am grateful
Every day for stillness and calm within, without, I am grateful.

Every single day,
At every single moment
I am grateful.
Forever grateful.
Thank you

This is Angela Carole Brown’s page.

http://www.angelacarolebrown.com/GLOBALYOGA.htm

Please check out her gratitude meditation youtube video. It’s so beautiful.
This is only seven minutes and forty-three seconds long.
Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0R52DePavMo

Non mobile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R52DePavMo

It’s so inspirational and when practiced everyday can be life changing for the better!

She explains how gratitude even for unpleasant experiences is the way to go. A life with some pain and challenges is better than an “effortless ” life, as she says. Because we become stronger, wiser, more empathetic and compassionate, and learn many valuable lessons.

“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

Much love & gratitude to you all!
And thank you for reading! 😀

Xoxo Kim

“We must live while we can and we’ll drink our cup of laughter
The finer things keep shining through
The way my soul gets lost in you
The finer things I feel in me
The golden dance life could be

I’ve been sad and have walked bitter streets alone
Come morning, there’s a good wind to blow me home
So time is a river rolling into nowhere
I will live while I can, I will have my ever after

The finer things keep shining through
The way my soul gets lost in you
The finer things I feel in me
The golden dance life could be” ~Steve Winwood

Get Your Ass in Gear

Oct13

I have been writing here about how I have been struggling with depression for almost three weeks, not a full blown severe episode like I have now and then but worse than a low mood. And not fun at all. My mood fluctuates – feelings of despair then hopeful and happy.

For me, depression is long term/lifelong. It’s not just an episode or phase or because of a specific environmental reason like for some people. I’m not depressed and suicidal almost every single day of my life anymore but my depression can surface at any moment either out of the blue or being triggered by something so it’s something I have to consciously and almost constantly manage with professional help & self-help techniques.

It’s no longer a constant struggle every single day, for me like it used to be, but some days, weeks, and months, it is. And for a few weeks now it has been acting up badly. But mostly, I’m managing it quite well, I think. I have been having difficulty sleeping which usually is not a problem for me. I usually sleep very well.

Last night was very bad and I was overcome in seemingly uncontrollable, negative thoughts. I have been having thoughts that aren’t good. I wanted to let myself slip away but I wouldn’t allow myself. I thought of all the people who I can inspire and help in various ways, people I currently know and ones I have yet to meet and touch in some way. With just a kind word, a simple touch, a helping hand.

There is always someone out there somewhere, in need. I decided to stay strong so I can go on and help people in any way I can. It doesn’t always feel like it but there’s always, always, always something to hold on for. I keep reminding myself that.

In the afternoon, a few days ago, I laid in bed with my dogs looking out my window at the sweet rain and the trees and leaves blowing in the wind. I felt happy, hopeful, joyous, wonderful. It was so serene and lovely.

I have been thinking about this quote:

“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” ~ Alphonse Karr

I want to complain about how I have “lost” almost three weeks to depression but this quote reminds me how instead of complaining about the moments I’m depressed I can cherish the moments I am happy and be thankful for the fact that I still do have happy moments. It’s not all bad. And even the depressed moments are good even though they don’t always feel that way. At least I’m alive.

Anyway, I was thinking about one of the most important things my therapist told me years ago. He told me no matter how depressed I am, to not act like a depressed person. Moping around, avoiding people and things, staying in bed, neglecting self care….

Depression can frequently make us not want to get up. We want to crawl into bed in solitude and stay that way forever. But that can worsen depression, perpetuate, or prolong it.

Getting up, going out, being active may not always lift or cure depression but it can help in some ways.

This doesn’t even just apply to depression. It can even go for any low mood or a common cold. Even a minor cold can make us want to stay in bed and do nothing at all.

But I noticed that sometimes when I have a cold, a low mood, and even full blown depression getting up helps. It helps to be somewhat active. To put my makeup on, go for a walk, do things…it gives me more energy and more opportunities to take my mind off the pain & sickness.

With a cold, it’s good to get rest for our bodies to heal but too much rest isn’t always good.

I also noticed that distraction helps somewhat. I have been reading my Philosophy books and the fact of reading and thinking gets my “mind” currently off of my despair. It’s hard to concentrate in a depression but it’s ok, I give myself permission to just read as best I can and mess up when I will.

So if you’re feeling low, sluggish, blah, sick….try getting up anyway. You don’t have to do any kind of strenuous work, you can do light activities, even just dressing up or going about your usual day.

I hope you’re having a good one. 😀

Xoxo Kim

Loud & Proud No Matter What

Oct13

I believe we should be proud of all our accomplishments, big and small, alike.
Accomplishments such as kicking a bad habit, healing or recovering an addiction, quitting old detrimental ways…are still great accomplishments even though some people think they are not because they believe those things shouldn’t have been started in the first place.

I subscribed to this page:

http://www.inspiregreatnessnow.com/Free/day1_okJuK.shtml

And the man who the page belongs to said he is grateful he no longer cheats on women who he is in a relationship with. He wrote that it may seem like a bizarre thing to be thankful for but it was a very destructive part of his life at one point and he finally stopped. Now his life is better.

I don’t see that as a bizarre thing to be proud of or grateful for. It takes strength and courage to admit to a problem or being wrong then working to change it and also to share with others.

Everyone makes mistakes. As I have said, no one is perfect in everyone’s eyes. No matter who you are or how amazing you are, someone out there somewhere, thinks or would think, if you met the person and the person knows about it, that something you do, say, think, or feel or something you previously did, thought, felt or said is/was wrong. Someone will see flaws in you.

It seems as if we often tend to negatively judge people based on the seriousness of the consequences of their actions instead of the morality of the actual action, I guess you can say.

For example, people often severely criticize people who take drugs and get addicted. The fact that someone takes recreational drugs and gets addicted may have serious, devastating consequences but it says nothing about the character of the person or the person’s general morals. Some people never take drugs but are just very unkind people who want to drag others down and go out of their way to hurt people merely for the thrill. And many people who do take illicit drugs or have previously taken them are great people with beautiful personalities who would never go all out to hurt people just for the thrill.

A couple months ago someone told a lie involving me at work. I forgive the person and believe it was a mistake and not typical of her. Not a mistake as if she wasn’t aware of what she was doing, she knew, and she had malicious intentions, although I have no idea why because we always had a good relationship with each other. But I view this as a mistake, something she should not have done but she did. This could have cost me my job.

But I don’t view this as something that defines her personality or character. It was a mistake, a wrongdoing, a negative act but I choose to look at her as the whole person she is and not as a horrible person based on one vicious act.

People have advised me to feel bitter towards her, to seek revenge, to see her as a horrible individual. But I choose to move forward with an open heart, forgive her, and “forget.”

She did not admit she was wrong and she lies to the bitter end but I don’t believe her lying now has to do with being malicious towards me any longer. I think it now has to do with her not wanting to admit she was wrong, feeling as if that’s a weakness on her part. She has to lie to back up the main lie so as not to confess that she was initially wrong. So even if she’s sorry, she won’t say it because that would be admitting she was wrong.

However, she did express guilt in other ways and seemed to be trying to make up for it by being extra kind and helpful. That, in my opinion, is better than an empty “I’m sorry” anyway.

For months I have been angrier than I have ever been, some moments, to the point of fury and it was seeping into every aspect of my life, not just work. I would forgive then go back to holding a grudge off and on but I finally let go, for myself and for her. I don’t want to be angry. She doesn’t want me to be angry. And it’s done now.

So, my message here is that mistakes you have made and will make, usually say nothing about who you are as a whole person and even if you aren’t as great as you can be, there’s always the possibility for change. You may have to work hard. It may be awkward and feel uncomfortable now and then but it’s worth it.

And when you accomplish something great like realizing you were wrong and you change your ways or work on yourself for the better that is something to be proud of yourself for no matter what others say.

I have difficulty deleting apps, songs, pictures, and other files off my phone, even ones I never, ever use or even care about. I always have this fear like “What if I change my mind and delete it and can’t get it back again?!” or “What if later I would come to really want this stuff on my phone and I forget all about it and never know to put it back on?!”. Lol things like that. So because of this, I can’t put on new stuff or take new pics.

But two nights ago, yesterday, and today I overcame my limiting fears and decided to go on a deleting spree, deleting everything I don’t use. Some things I wrote down just in case I may want it again.

I let my reasoning prevail over emotion. Now is what matters and now I really need more space on my phone. And I probably will never want those apps and the truth is I can install most of them again if I want later.

This may seem like a trivial thing to be proud of but I must say, I’m proud! Lol. For me, that’s an accomplishment.

Also, I’m a slob. It’s true. I leave empty soda bottles and candy wrappers around my house and my mom gets so mad. That’s not something I should do ever. But I do. So when I actually avoid doing that on my own without being told, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

I hope you will go easy on yourself. Forgive. Learn. Move forward. Be honest & open with yourself.

Lol My message here now is that you should be proud and thankful for all of your accomplishments no matter how trivial or important they seem to you or to others. Every little thing you do that contributes in some way, big or small, to a better you, a better world, a better environment, a better relationship, or a better anything is worth being proud of and grateful for. Even the simplest things.

And this will get you in the habit of seeing the good in you and acknowledging and celebrating your positive aspects and successes. I believe this can lead to a happier life.

What are you holding onto that you should be letting go of?
What should you forgive yourself for?
What would happen inside you if you admit that you were wrong? Admit to yourself? To others?
Why are you holding on to self resentment?
How about you make the decision to let go now?

Xoxo Kim

The Paradoxical Commandments

Oct7

I have been thinking about this beautiful concept. I wholeheartedly agree with it. It’s true that we will do so much good, give so much love, put so much goodness out into the world, accomplish greatness, create, and provide and while there will be people to acknowledge it and appreciate it and express /feel gratitude for us and our greatness, there will still be so many who will ignore it, destroy it, reject us, be non caring, loathe us, and just want to drag us down. But I believe with everything I have in me that we should do good anyway, love anyway, provide for people anyway, create, share, care, anyway…

Someone on Facebook recently wrote me a message saying the people who love the most, care The Most, and give the most are the ones who are kicked and hurt the deepest. But I will take that chance again and again. As long as I live. Someone doesn’t have to love me back for me to love that person. Someone doesn’t have to care for me to care.

Give to the world without expecting anything in return. Love unconditionally.

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

http://www.paradoxicalcommandments.com/

Xoxo Kim

Hopelessness – a gift?

Oct5

This, here, post is another one about the book I read called “Learning from the Heart” by Dr. Gottlieb, a Temple University graduate of Psychology. He is a psychologist who specializes in family therapy and addiction and was the director of a program in Philadelphia. His book is a book of lessons learned in his life.

Dr. Gottlieb was in a tragic accident when he was 33 years old. His life was going very well, he was married with two little girls and a great therapy practice going when one morning he got into his car and saw a black object flying into his windshield. He later woke up in a hospital to find that he is paralyzed for the rest of his life. He was in that hospital for one year. He struggles with quadriplegia. People with this condition suffer with recurrent and permanent infections as a result of the paralysis. He is permanently paralyzed at the chest and down.

Dr. Gottlieb, at first, had much difficulty accepting his condition and wanted to die by suicide.

This experience taught him how to view Hopelessness in a different way than we usually think of “hopelessness.”. What do you think of when you hear the word “hopeless?”. Desperation? Despair? Giving up?, Misery, …

There is another way to look at a “hopeless” situation. As a gift. Hopelessness itself can be a true gift. It can give us the liberty to move on or move forward with the life we currently have instead of desperately clinging to something we do not currently have and may never have and missing out on right now lusting after or longing for something else.

Shortly after this accident, Dr. Gottlieb made the decision to live for two years and then see if he were able to go on living. He hoped that something would change dramatically.

It may sound good & pleasant that he had hope. But this false hope was actually a hindrance to him. It was imprisoning him,not allowing him to live in the now, in the present moment, it would not allow him to embrace his current life. All he could do was “hope” for things that would never happen, then he would be happy.

He hoped he would walk again. With quadriplegia that’s not possible, ever. He hoped his infections would cease to exist. With quadriplegia, that’s not possible.

Dr. Gottlieb is Jewish but he seems, by what I read, to be somewhat secular or a free-thinker and doesn’t really have a definite concept of any sort of god.

He wrote this “At the end of two years, I took myself into the bedroom and I had a deep, reflective conversation with…well, I don’t know. God? My god? My own truth? Anyway, the conversation went something like this: ‘Okay, I will live with it if you give me hope that one day I’ll walk.’ And what I heard back was, ‘Nope. No hope. Live or die. Make your choice.’. So I said, ‘Give me hope that I won’t be so sick.’. (My health was so fragile – I just wanted some assurance that I would feel stronger and be able to fight off infections.). And I got the same answer. ‘Either live with it or don’t. It’s not going to change.’ For every request, I got the same answer.”

After the two years was up, Dr. Gottlieb had to make a choice. Live or die. He lost hope that he would ever walk again. He lost hope that he would stop getting sick with infections.

And he chose life.

If he kept up the hope that something physical would change, he would have missed out on this life now in hopes of a “better” tomorrow.

But he chose now. Hopelessness gave him the gift of Now.

This is a very different and very beautiful way of looking at hopelessness. When we become hopeless about something we want, we let go. Not let go of life. But let go of lusting after what may or may not come in the future. Embrace now. Cherish now. Love now.

Dr. Gottlieb still struggles, he writes, but he realizes how beautiful life is now and he loves his beautiful life.

There have been so many days I have lost, hoping for something better, wishing for more in the future and I let now slip away. But when I let go, I make room in my heart for this life I live Now.

Is there anything you are holding onto? A hope for something that you’re clinging to that is not letting you live now?

“I’ll be happy when I lose 5 pounds….”
“I’ll be happy when I find the love of my life…”
“I’ll be happy when I have a better job….”
“I’ll be happy when I become rich….”
“I’ll be happy when I have kids, when I get married, when I don’t have to work anymore, when I graduate college, when…”

Why not be happy now?! You can still work for things but it’s best not to let it destroy your serenity and love right now.

“Normal day, let me be aware
of the treasure that you are.
let me learn from you, love you,
bless you before we depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest
of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
let me hold you while I may,
for it may not be always so. One day
I shall dig my nails into the earth,
or bury my face in the pillow,
or stretch myself tart,
or raise my hands
to the sky and want, more
than all the world, your return.” ~ Mary Jean Irion

“You know the future’s lookin’ brighter
Every morning’ when i get up
Don’t be thinkin’ ’bout what’s not enough,now baby
Just be thinkin’ ’bout what we got
think of all my love, now
I’m gonna give you all I got” ~ Eddie Money (Baby Hold On)

“It’s not that I don’t want a lot
Or hope for more, or dream of more
But giving thanks for what I’ve got
Makes me so much happier than keeping score

In a world that can bring pain
I will still take each chance
For I believe that whatever the terrain
Our feet can learn to dance
Whatever stone life may sling
We can moan or we can sing

Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
Truly blessed
And duly grateful” ~ John Bucchino. (Grateful)

“So the sidewalk is crowded, the city goes by
And I rush through another day
And a world full of strangers turn their eyes to me
But I just look the other way

They roll by just like water
And I guess we never learn
Go through life parched and empty
Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst” ~ Joe Cocker (and other singers)

Xoxo Kim

But I Keep Holding On

Oct5

We walk around with stories or theories in our heads constantly, everyday. We have stories and theories about why things have happened and what will result if certain things happen. Sometimes our theories and stories are so strong and we are so convinced that they are accurate that it takes over our lives and we see no other way. They can be negative and they can be positive.

And we have a choice.

In Dr. Gottlieb ‘s book, “Learning from the Heart”, which I have previously written a couple posts about, one of his life lessons he writes about is how theories are just that, theories. They may or may not be true. You may have a negative theory in your head such as “If I don’t get a promotion at my job, I’ll never have more than I have now, I’ll be stuck getting paid next to nothing, I’ll never move on…” or “I went out with him and he hasn’t called me in two days that means he doesn’t like me and I ‘ll never see him again!”

First of all, your theory may not even be correct at all. Just because you don’t get a promotion now doesn’t mean you never will or that you’ll be stuck forever. You may accidentally stumble upon a new opportunity or you can work extra hard and find a new job. And you really have no clue why the boy/girl doesn’t call you back. Maybe he’s sick or extra busy or stressed. Maybe he totally lost your number. Maybe he doesn’t want to look desperate. Or….maybe you are correct! Maybe he’s just not that into you.

We should choose theories or stories that benefit us until we find out the truth. Let’s not go walking around with the worst theory ever. Let’s keep an open mind to limitless possibilities. And the second lesson is that it will seriously benefit us to ponder the worst theory, our worst fear. What if he doesn’t like you? What if you’re being rejected? What if he found someone he likes better? What if you don’t get promoted? What if you don’t get the job? What if it doesn’t all go as planned?

Let’s imagine the worst so we can imagine how we will cope when the worst does in fact happen. As long as we live, bad things will happen to us and we must learn to cope, heal, move forward & live with it.

So it will benefit us to keep an open mind, not assume the worst but KNOW that if the worst is true we will live and keep going.

One of Dr. Gottlieb’s examples is when his editor at the “Philadelphia Inquirer” severely criticized one of his columns. Dr. Gottlieb was devastated and experienced strong unpleasant emotions like terrible anxiety and self -reproach. He imagined getting fired or quitting this job he loved so much. For a few days he lived as if he were no longer a columnist. Then his fear decreased quickly.

Dr. Gottlieb also experienced fear before his surgeries which he had to have after his tragic accident. He feared death and imagined what life would be like for his girls if he were to die. He chose to just be with his fear instead of repressing it or running or denying it. Eventually the fear dissipated. Bad things will happen to us every now & then but we will get by. Just sit with your fears and emotions. Let them run through you, acknowledge them.

Think of a current or previous situation you have been faced with where you had a theory, a negative one. Where you jumped to the conclusion that the worst was/is true and that you would not be able to handle it.

What if you changed your theory that you felt so strongly is/was true? What if your conviction is off? As Dr. Gottlieb states: “To let go of something we’ve always believed in requires a leap in faith – trust in something that is unknowable. And I think the task for all of us is to have faith in our own resilience. When that happens, we are exposed to many more possibilities.”

Take that leap of faith. It may be uncomfortable to let go of something you have felt so strongly for so long but move outside that comfort zone to better things.

There are so many less dramatic theories we can be having in our heads.
Maybe the friend who ignored you on the street wasn’t paying attention, maybe you were rejected for a job for lack of experience, not lack of qualification or intelligence, maybe the person who doesn’t like you back is just not compatible with you and there’s nothing wrong with you, maybe if you lose your job something better will come along…..

So why not have faith in a more positive theory or be open to the fact that any theory may be accurate but still know that you CAN survive the worst and you WILL survive!

Keep on going!

Also here’s an update for anyone who knows I have been struggling so, so hard with depression and anyone who cares. My depression is so much worse than it has been in a while but nowhere near as bad as it used to get sometimes. Today I had a few brief suicide “visions”/fantasies but not plans or contemplation. I’m working hard to avoid that.

If you want to take your mind off certain thoughts, it’s best to not directly try to avoid those thoughts or feelings or they will likely become stronger. Instead try to distract yourself and escape the bondage by doing something pleasant to take your “mind” off it. I have been thinking/reading about Philosophical theories on various things. I love Phil. And I attended college for it and took it just for fun. I felt it helping me today

It’s all good.

I hope you are having a great day and find some consolation & strength & hope. I am so happy I learned personal development/self help techniques to help me along with medication. Years ago when I would be depressed I wouldn’t usually know what to do. I try not to dwell on the negativity of this and instead tackle it and see it as a challenge and find creative ways to handle it. Some moments I feel I can go either way, be sucked into a severe Depressive episode or go the other way and hold on til this ends. I’m holding on for now!

And I hope you will too if you’re having some challenges and struggles no matter what they may be. See if you can be creative and find various ways to cope with it instead of giving in to despair.

😀

“I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don’t ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day?
Things’ll go your way
Hold on for one more day” ~ Wilson Phillips (“Hold On” lyrics)

Baby, hold on for one more day. Everyday!
Xoxo Kim

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain <3

Oct3

(old picture of me I recently found taken on December 31, 1991, I was 5 years old

“I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today.” ~Og Mandino

Two days ago in one of my posts I mentioned that I’m struggling with symptoms of depression. I can feel an impending episode of severe depression about to hit. It’s starting out like all the others. Sometimes I can prevent it if I really try hard before it pulls me in to the point of no return for weeks or months.

I can feel suicidal feelings and thoughts about to manifest. I don’t want this to get out of hand so I made a conscious decision yesterday afternoon to do all I can to try to keep it right where it is until it goes or to help lift it. I am so tempted to give in and cave but I keep going. I feel as if I’m about to crumble but I’m staying strong. It’s not easy. It’s extremely difficult.

I can see things all around me that I find immense joy in when I’m not depressed. Crunchy & colorful Fall leaves, the beautiful sky and city lights, animals, people, the sounds all around, pumpkin Spice coffee & hot tea….

I see things I want to want, things I want to be interested in.

But I feel disconnected like I’m not taking full pleasure in it all. I am having memory & concentration problems. Forgetting the simplest things. When an episode is coming on, my senses often become less sharp, things seem bland like There’s no flavor or rhythm in anything, I get furious off and on (I generally don’t have anger issues), I take every little thing too personally when any other day I wouldn’t even care about it, I have an extreme low feeling beyond a normal low mood, everything looks bleak and gray….stuff like this.

One thing that helps me immensely is quotes & positive writings. I love, love, love quotes that inspire me and bring me a sense of consolation. I love to read them, meditate upon them, and share them with others. Sharing is caring.

So I decided to compose a list here of comforting quotes of hope & strength to help me and anyone else who may need little reminders to stay strong & keep going. I also have my positive Playlist of songs I have been listening to.

Maybe I can’t pull myself out of this. And it does feel like it will never end but I can do things to help myself and keep reminding me that it WILL end no matter how permanent it feels.

I want to give in but I know that’s not good. It’s my responsibility to care for myself and do what I can to see it through. If I had a physical illness flaring up, I would do what I have to to manage, ease, and eliminate the symptoms and that’s exactly what I must do with this.

But with this it’s hard because depression saps energy, motivation, and kills the will to live while physical illness often strengthens the will to survive and motivates people to do whatever it takes to keep living and get strong and healthy.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I have depression as an illness and I just believe I’m just worthless and empty and that’s why I’m so depressed. But I often know now that I have a condition and I remind myself that. Last night it was really taking a whole lot of energy not to become suicidal. It’s so hard.

As hard as it is though, I know I have the choice. The choice to keep going…

I’m very happy & inspired because I have been receiving sweet messages by people on Facebook and here expressing gratitude to me for sharing all the uplifting pics, quotes, words,& messages I share everyday. That’s so sweet and I’m thrilled to know I am able to touch lives for the better. Social Media, when used positively, is so amazing for reaching people, even ones we don’t even know, all around the world. Just one simple picture shared or one quote or word of encouragement can brighten someone’s day immensely.

This is another reason for me to hold on, so I can help others, share my stories/experiences, reach out to people in various ways, and inspire as deeply as I can in any way I can. I am very shy at first and don’t always reach out to people first but I am extremely open, even with strangers, when the opportunity comes up. I don’t mind telling my entire life story, good & bad, to someone I met two seconds ago. And I love to hear/read people’s experiences/stories good & bad. I have always been this way. My mom gets frustrated with me sometimes and yells sarcastically, “That’s it, just tell the world all my business!”. Lol and that’s just what I will do.

To me, there’s no such thing as “Too much info.” and people “airing out dirty laundry” is a good thing! ;-). As long as it’s meant to connect with, share with, express, bring awareness to, help & inspire and not merely meant to be a drama queen! Lol.

I accept people and their mistakes and “flaws”. I may not agree with a view a person holds or with something someone has done but I will love the person just the same without negative judgment. I am in no position to judge like that. I am no better or worse than anyone, my life is no better or worse, my morals are no better or worse. I live & let live and I know that things people do that to me seem wrong or not good, usually say nothing of the character or goodness of that person. The best, greatest people can slip, fall, make mistakes. And all I want to do is provide empathy, unconditional love, compassion, acceptance, understanding, hugs, kindness, friendship, support, & encouragement. Not destructive criticism, insults, negative judgments, guilt trips, grudges, or whatever. I was never someone who is outright cold, callous, critical, cruel, and judgmental or a troll. I have always been loving & understanding but now I am even more that way than ever. I have judged people previously when I shouldn’t have, I said/wrote things merely to annoy or anger when someone would make me angry. I have been arrogant. I have been rude. Sometimes I was somewhat vicious but not now. Sometimes I would disagree with someone’s political views and while the disagreement itself wouldn’t irk me, the specific argument would and I would respond unkindly.

Now I only want to put more love out into the world. Believe what you will. Do what you feel is right for you. Stand up for what you believe in. Advocate. Maybe I will disagree with you, maybe I will oppose your views and what you advocate for but I will never oppose YOU, the person and I will show respect for your decisions and how you feel whether or not I agree. Maybe it’s me who is wrong and not you, anyway. Maybe your “mistakes ” aren’t even mistakes, just things I disagree with. I will see you as the whole that you are, the medley, the “miracle”, the beauty. I don’t see mistakes you have made, flaws you may have, things you do or have done or believe that I disagree with. I see you.

“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” ~ Ben Franklin

Here are some quotes helping me tonight. And I hope they touch you in some way as well.

1.) Choose love. Choose to release all resentments.
Forgive everyone. Choose to release all regrets.
Forgive yourself for all decisions that you have ever made that didn’t work out as you hoped.
Forgive yourself for any financial decisions
that didn’t meet your expectations.
Release your regrets if you choose
the “wrong” spouse or the “wrong” career.
Today, choose love.
Choose to love yourself.
Choose to love your life.
Choose to love all the friends, family, co-workers,
acquaintances, and others who share your life.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

2.) Choose what lies in the shadows to be a matter
for discovery and adventure, rather than fear.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(This is a great concept. We can look at the unknown as an adventure and learning experience instead of fearing & dreading it and we can see difficulties as challenges to help us grow & strengthen us as opposed to seeing them as horrible afflictions and seeing ourselves as helpless victims)

3.) Choose to be as a young child –
fully awake, eager for the next experience.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

4.) Life is lived in the living.
Set aside convention, caution,
and arbitrary “rules” about how
life is supposed to be lived.
Choose! Explore! Adventure!
Live life to the fullest.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(yup, follow your own way)

5.) Choose Inner Peace.
Nothing is worth losing your inner peace.
Take action as circumstances require,
but never surrender your inner peace.
Stop. Breathe deeply.
Close your eyes and breathe deeply again.
Then, and only then, take action –
from a peaceful heart.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

6.) Affirmation:
Today I choose the higher road –
the path of charity, acceptance,
love, selflessness, kindness.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

7.) Live life with no regrets and no resentments.
Whatever happened in the past,
forgive yourself and others. Choose love.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

8.) It is nearly a certainty that some
of your expectations will not be met today -choose Joy anyway.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(beautiful! :-D)

9.) Much in life can be seen as ugly or beautiful – it’s our choice.
Why would we choose to see any part of life as ugly?
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(yes, let’s choose to look for beauty everywhere we can)

10.) Choose to Dance Lightly With Life.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(yeah, don’t be so serious, lighten up. ;-))

11.) “The doors of wisdom are never shut.” ~ Ben Franklin

(so true, no matter what happened or is happening, there is a glimmer of hope still sparkling and an opportunity to learn & grow)

12.) “Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.” ~ Ben Franklin

(this reminds me that one little negative thought or action can really take a great toll on me but one little positive thought or action can help me immensely.)

13.) “To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.” ~ Ben Franklin

(yes, good things come to those who wait but not to those who wait too late!)

14.) “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” ~ Ben Franklin

(love with all you have, take chances when you really, really feel the need….and if it doesn’t work out, don’t regret it because at that moment you felt everything you did/said and also how will you ever know what may happen if you don’t try. if you must regret then do and regret what you did, don’t sit it out and regret not taking action, not loving! <3)

15.) “Were it offered to my choice, I should have no objection to a repetition of the same life from its beginning , only asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to correct some faults in the first.” ~ Ben Franklin

(this is beautiful!)

16.) “We must indeed all hang together or, most assuredly we shall all hang separately.” ~ Ben Franklin

(let’s stay together <3)

Today I am making the decision to give more when I feel like giving up and to hold on when my heart has had enough.

And I hope you, too, will make that decision when you feel broken. <3. Keep making that decision over and over everyday that it hurts.

When I come close to selling out, I will heed LeeAnn Womack’s heartfelt message and reconsider. I will think of that little girl in the picture above. That little girl is me and I came into this world to live and to love and to exist and to be. To inspire & encourage.

Yesterday I wasn’t so sure but today I feel that I’m doing somewhat of a good job kicking this thing in the ass.

“I came to Win
To Fight
To Conquer
To Thrive,
I came to Win
To Survive
To Prosper
To Rise
To fly”.

And that I will.

“I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you’re feeling like you just can’t win, but you’re trying
It’s hard to keep on keepin’ on, when you’re being pushed around
Don’t even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, ’round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there’s something more
And walk out that door,
Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns
‘Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin’

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It’s gonna run out of pain
It’s gonna run out of sting
It’s gonna leave you alone
It’s gonna set you free
Set you free” ~ Gary Allan

“I’ll look back on this and smile because it’s life and I chose to live it.”

(not my photo but I love it!!)

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Keep on keeping on, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

(not my picture, I found it on the net)

Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’ – One Year <3

Oct1

“What I am well that’s what I am.
I tell you, baby,
That’s just enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

“I choose to fight back! I choose to rise, not fall! I choose to live, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also within you.” ~ (Mayor John Pappas, City Hall movie quote)

Hello, lovelies,

Here is something I can’t believe I’m writing today. I never thought I would live to see today.
Never in my wildest dreams. I feel a tingling in my wrists.

Almost everyone who knows me knows of my super long battle with severe, suicidal depression. I have suffered with long term mild/moderate depression for much of my life with recurrent severe, despairing, debilitating long episodes of depression on top of that. Day after day, year after year. It was not truly everyday. It would go away now & again & I would be truly happy. But it would always return.

Many days I even had great self esteem, I liked myself, loved myself even, had no problems, everything was beautiful. I had passions & interests. But I wanted to be dead. Then it would go away & I would be happy, sometimes for months then it would be back, maybe for days, maybe for months before happiness would return.

Telling people doesn’t faze me. When I’m currently dangerously suicidal I don’t tell people usually, out if fear of being put away.

But I will tell people about the vicious darkness that has consumed me. And I will tell people about Hope & Healing.

I’m not embarrassed by this disease and it’s not pretty but I won’t conceal it. I spent hours upon hours a day for many years just fantasizing about ending my life, then happiness, then despair again, I have come so close on many occasions when fear would stop me, fear that it wouldn’t work and I would just be sick, injured, or paralyzed…

Some days I would be happy but still have hours of despair in the middle. And sometimes for weeks/months, I had no depression at all.

I am generally very happy. But I still struggle with the severe episodes. Not as frequently or as long usually But they still occur.

But today is October 1st. My last serious/semi serious suicidal thought/urge was one year ago, October 2012. I cannot remember the exact day. But I know it was in October. Since then I have experienced excruciating episodes of despair, depression, sometimes, But I kept hope alive. Knowing it will end and the sun will rise again.

I have been struggling for the last few days, feeling an episode coming on. I learned to usually detect impending episodes and be able to prevent a full blown one by monitoring and consciously changing my thinking and actions.

But it’s so hard. I keep feeling suicidal thoughts trying to emerge, not just brief, fleeting ones, but ones that I will begin to entertain and dwell on. Over a year ago they would have taken over by now. But somehow now I am managing keeping them at bay.

I know some of my triggers but it’s not always triggered by something necessarily, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.

Last night while I laid it bed, I wanted to let it just have me, have its way with me and succumb to depression and those suicidal thoughts trying to creep into me. It takes energy and motivation that I just don’t always have or feel like working on. Sometimes I don’t even want to.

This is more than just a low mood but it’s not a full blown episode. This is like what I often had before, not depression but almost. I still haven’t had one of those suicidal thoughts. Something keeps me going. I keep feeling so hopeful then hopeless then hopeful then hopeless. Then hopeful again.

I keep telling myself after all this, I won’t let myself succumb. One year is a big accomplishment for me. Those thoughts and urges were so much an integral part of me for well over a decade, off and on, that it’s incredible to think I finally lived a year without them coming & going. And because of work I did for myself. This thing has symptoms that must be managed just like other illnesses. It flares up every now & then. It comes & goes. But less than it used to.

Ever since I was a young girl I kept wishing over and over and over that I could go one year without those suicidal thoughts & urges returning but I never saw it happening. Until now. Yup, mind=blown. Lol

Depression, suicide contemplation are traumatic. All of it. Even recovery or remission is traumatic. It’s weird. It’s beautiful. It’s freaky. It’s unfathomable. Not having those thoughts day in and day out for months.

And I never get used to it. Every second of every day, almost, I realize how amazing it is to not only be alive but to actually want to be alive. To be happy in general. To have a strong will and desire to live.

I am overwhelmed. When I’m in immense physical pain or sickness and it goes away, I have this amazing feeling, a conscious awareness of not being sick or in pain. But after a while I usually go back to no longer being aware of it, consciously. I get used to it again.

But not this.

This, this never gets old. Not being in an almost constant state of depression, not having thoughts and urges to kill myself everyday all throughout the day, it never gets old. Even after a year, I am almost always conscious of it.

So much zest. So much life. So much passion. This is how it would always be when my depression would lift before coming back but now happiness is more frequent.

I still get depressed. But in general, I am the happiest girl in the whole USA! Lol ;-D

So much hope.

Pain is real. But so is hope.

I want anyone who is feeling hopeless about anything at all whether it’s something seemingly serious or something which seems trivial to know that thoughts and feelings and perspectives change. It may take work and it may not change right this second but you won’t be sad forever. Hold on, you got this.

Look where I was & look where I am. Look at me now! 😀

“Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider” ~ LeeAnn Womack

Go on, take chances. Live. Love. Maybe loving will be a mistake and you will be crushed, abandoned, rejected, ignored, devastated, not loved back…but love anyway. Live anyway.

Love doesn’t ask for changes, it doesn’t ask for favors or to be loved back, love doesn’t demand someone to think or feel or act a certain way. Love simply loves.

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you. ” ~ Norman Vincent Peale.

“I am 99.9% sure it will never get better. But it’s the 0.1% that keeps me going. ” ~ Unknown

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill

“If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane” ~ Jimmy Buffett

“Come Monday, it’ll be alright.” ~ Jimmy Buffett. (Jimmy Buffett mentioned that he wrote this song in a C.A. Hotel room when he was suicidal and it saved his life.& I am so thankful. ❤ .)

“For all those who don’t feel as old as they are and never will

I rounded first never thought of the worst
As I studied the shortstops position
Crack went my leg like the shell of an egg
Someone call a decent physician
Im no pete rose, I can’t pretend
Though my mind is quite flexible, these brittle bones don’t bend

Im growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead” ~Jimmy Buffett

“Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

I could pay off my tab
Pour myself in a cab and be back to work before 2
At a moment like this, I can’t help but wonder
What would Jimmy Buffett do?

Jimmy Buffett spoken:
Funny you should ask, Alan
I’d say
Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care

Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
He don’t care
And I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: What time zone am I on?
What country am I in?

Alan: It doesn’t matter

It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: It’s always on five in Margaritaville, come to think of it

Alan: I heard that

Jimmy: You’ve been there haven’t you?

Alan: Yes, Sir

Jimmy: I’ve seen your boat there

Alan: I’ve been to Margaritaville a few times

Jimmy: All right.
That’s good

Alan: Stumbled my way back

Jimmy: OK Just want to make sure you can keep it between the
navigational beacons

Alan: Between the buoys.
I got it

Jimmy: All right.

It’s five o’clock.
Let’s go somewhere

Alan: I’m ready.
Crank it up

Jimmy: Let’s get out of here

Alan: I’m gone” ~ Alan Jackson/Jimmy Buffett

This song never fails to uplift me.
And this one:

“Well you know those times when you feel like
There’s a sign there on your back
That says I don’t mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can’t get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don’t know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That’s when you learn the truth

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I’ve been deep down in that darkness
I’ve been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin’ fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I’d fall right into the trap
That they were layin’

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long
You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’
Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going” Rodney Atkins

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~ Alice Cooper

” I fearlssly walk into battle
With a shine on my boots and my teeth
Never flinch, never blink, never rattle
My blood is like ice underneath

Oh, I’m the reincarnation of patten
And I’ve got Hannibal’s heart in my chest
God told me I would have rivaled
Alexander the great at his best.” ~ Alice Cooper

”
But you and me ain’t no movie stars.
What we are is what we are.
We share a bed,
Some lovin’,
And TV, yeah.
And that’s enough for a workin’ man.
What I am is what I am.
And I tell you, babe,
Well that’s enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

Good day to you all.
P.s. This auto correct on my phone is more insane than I am, constantly changing words to weird things, even changing words to completely different words & bizarre symbols out of nowhere and spelling correct words incorrectly. Luckily I usually catch it before hitting send but occasionally I don’t and am embarrassed if I am writing to someone I don’t know well. The worst is when it changes a word to a different version. It changes “their” to “they’re” so embarrassing! Lol. It recently changed “unfazed” to “phased”! Seriously?! Shit’s off the walls! Thanks auto correct! Thanks a lot, I just love being mortified! It wrote this one day “jesus_20267475.html”. I saved it to show people. Lol I wrote some ordinary word and auto correct deleted it and wrote that thing! Whhhaatt?! Yup, my phone has lost its marbles! I guess we’re made for each other.

;-D. Remember, when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

Blue skies ahead.

Hope lives here.

Hope

Sep28

As I have mentioned previously, in April this year, my sweet little pom mix, Koko died of old age. We had her for 12 years and she was 14 years old, almost. It’s one of the worst things that ever happened to me and one of the worst kinds of pain I ever felt and my heart will always be broken.
She had the sweetest little face, so innocent and angelic. She was one of the most calmest, mild tempered dogs I have ever known. She was part pomeranian and part papapalya (sp?) and since I was never familiar with either one of those breeds, I never knew, and always wondered which one she more closely resembled.

Dogs don’t generally live to be much older than fourteen years old. And shortly before Koko’s death, she began to change. She was still the happy, sweet little girl she has always been but she began to be very slow and did not jump up to greet me as much, her breathing was different but she wasn’t sick or suffering. I knew deep inside it wouldn’t be much longer before we wouldn’t have our sweet girl with us anymore. It was/is heartbreaking.

One day, a few days before Koko died, I was in Center City, Philadelphia with my family and I saw a lady walking two very small dogs who look exactly like Koko. Their faces are identical to hers except theirs are white while hers was tan. They look so innocent, sweet, angelic…so calm and peaceful like Koko always looked and always was.

I found these two babies to be beautiful but I felt my heart break some more knowing that soon, I would never see that face again except for in pictures.

A few days later Koko died. I was devastated, to say the least. Many days and nights I jumped up in a panic with my heart nearly pumping out of my chest thinking, how can this be, how can she really be gone, how can I go on without my baby? I was angry for months, not at anyone or anything specifically, just furious off and on month after month. There are even a few days I wanted to die, the pain, the loss, the grief, the sorrow, was so overwhelming.

Shortly after Koko died, I was in a daze, I wasn’t myself, I functioned like a zombie, I went to a check cashing place with my mom. I saw a sign hanging up about purebred pomeranian puppies for sale by a family who had a litter of them.

I couldn’t believe it. I never seen signs advertising pom poms before, mostly pit bulls and Shepherds, never poms.

I knew I wanted one of those puppies but we already had three and my dad doesn’t care for having more than a couple animals so my mom and me thought he wouldn’t go for it.

I also did not want it to seem as if I was trying to replace Koko. No one can ever replace her. But someone can come along and help heal the pain of her loss.

I copied the number and when my dad came home, he very surprisingly agreed to let us look into it. I called the lady who made the sign. I rarely call people I don’t know for any reason. I’m very shy until getting to know someone. But I called. There was one little boy left who still needed his furever home.

So we went to the family’s house and there he was in a pac n play, standing up wagging his little tail, four months old. I fell in love.

He has Koko’s face. Sweet. Angelic. Calm. Innocent. The face I thought I would never see again. Never kiss again.

We brought him home and I love him more than words can say.

He looks exactly like Koko but he is nothing like her. He is wild, energetic, into everything, he begs and steals, he wakes me up. He chews everything he gets his little paws on. He ruined so many pairs of my shoes, including three pairs of stilettos, he playfully ripped my nose ring out that I had for nearly 10 years and it now closed up mostly, he pulls on my nose with his teeth in a silly, playful way…

And I couldn’t be happier with my boy.

I would give up all my material possessions for him.

He sleeps with me at night. Curled up around my neck, next to me, in my hair, in my arms, he loves to snuggle, he can’t give enough kisses.

He is so little but his heart is bursting with love.
He doesn’t replace Koko. No one ever will. My heart will always ache for Koko. My grief will always remain. But I love Emmy, my new baby, just as much.

My grief escalates now and then, it gets better and worse but will never go. And I don’t want it to go. I can still be happy with grief.

I carry Koko in my heart always & forever.

We cannot always choose what happens to us but we can learn how to effectively react to things and keep on going and going until things get better.

My message is one of hope. When Koko was on the verge of death and after her death, I was hopeless, sometimes to the point of despair. I never imagined something good would later come my way. But I was wrong. There’s always hope even if we can’t currently feel it. Things can turn out better than we could have ever imagined.

Keep going, keep living….
Wake up & live all over again….
You can be stronger than you think.
You never know who you are inspiring.
Who is falling in love with your smile.
Who is touched by your kindness.
Who wants to kiss away your tears.
Whose life is greatly impacted by yours.

“When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
– Anonymous

“What do we live for, if it is not
to make life less difficult for each other?”
– George Eliot

“There are no hopeless situations;
there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”
– Clare Boothe Luce

“Today I choose the higher road –
the path of charity, acceptance,
love, selflessness, kindness.”
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

“Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.”
– Henry Ward Beecher

My sweet Koko.

Xoxo Kim