The wound is the place where the Light enters you. 💛
Look how perfect & beautiful my incision/scar is!! It looks so good. The covering stuff holding it closed just came off, so I can finally see it in all its raw perfection & magnificent glory.
It’s amazing how just six weeks ago I was laying on an operating table out cold & cut completely open to give life to someone else and already my body is so healed. The scar is delicate and perfect. So powerful in all its subtlety & elegance.
My beautiful life affirming scar.
Isn’t it amazing that a whole life was saved & enhanced because of this small, thin, & delicate line on my abdomen? Awe inspiring. Something so small and seemingly insignificant, just a thin line that no one else may ever see and will eventually fade to almost nothing and be nearly invisible, yet it’s a symbol of one of the most significant things there is to do: giving life. It takes my breath away.
I remember waking up in the operating room groggy and amazed. There was no pain. (Other than a migraine-like headache) I instantly remembered what I did. It was hours later, but it felt like mere seconds ago that I was there on that table going under while the doctors & nurses laughed & joked and played what I vaguely remember being “Oh, Pretty Woman,” by Roy Orbison, for me as I was drifting off.
I couldn’t believe I just had surgery. It felt too good to be true. My body felt strong, healthy, & alive, even with all the grogginess, exhaustion, and headache, and one less organ. I couldn’t believe it finally happened after all these years of dreaming. It felt so easy. All I had to do was lay on a table and go to sleep for a couple hours so someone else can live. For me, it was that simple.
It was an extremely easy decision to make. It was my calling. There was never any hesitation, uncertainty, or question about it. I heard the call and answered.
It doesn’t matter that I may never get a thank you or see the impact of my act of compassion. The potential is what matters, potential to save and enhance a life. And there is joy & value in the act of giving, itself, without getting any results or gratitude for the act. Just the act alone is enough. And it doesn’t matter that the person is an anonymous stranger I may never lay eyes on. We are all the same at our core.
You are Me I am You We are One
I remember waking up with three doctors and one nurse standing at the end of my hospital bed in the OR before being wheeled to my room, all cheerfully saying “Good morning, Kimberly, you’re awake now, Kimberly, good morning, Kimberly, you’re awake, Kimberly….” over and over and over until I fully came to. They were all wearing masks & hair caps. But I could see their smiling eyes. And I knew. I knew it was a success. That pleasant experience of them gently guiding me out of insentience is one of my favorite memories of the whole journey. It made all the difference, waking up to that human compassion & positivity gave me a very different experience than if I would have woken up alone in a dark room in a cold, clinical setting of uncertainty. I will forever cherish it.
So many healthcare workers were in & out of the operating room praising me for giving the gift of life & health.
The surgeon said our kidney is beautiful. While I was still asleep, it was already on its way to do its job and save a life. It began working instantly in its new person’s body.
And now I am here, with this permanent beautiful, perfect reminder on my body of that beautiful, perfect day.
1/16/2024
💚🫘💚🫘
#endthewaitlist
Happy National Kidney Month!!! 💚💋🍀
#endthewaitlist
I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💚
The girl wore her scars the way some women wore their finest jewelry. 💚
Just showing off my kidney donation scars! My healthcare team said they are healing very well. 😍 These are my scars at just over two weeks after surgery. It’s now over six weeks later, and they look the same.
💚
The incision just above my shorts is the main incision where the kidney was extracted. 🫘It’slike a C-section scar. I always liked those, they’re pretty and delicate and girly, but I never wanted kids. Now I joke that I get to have my very own except instead of taking a kid out, they took a kidney! 😆
My recipient and me are doing great! 😁
I was so happy to receive the news that my recipient is doing amazingly well! I was told that I can reach out and contact the person by sending a card or letter. I have to remain anonymous at first.Then if both of us agree, we can break anonymity and get to know who each other is.
I’m so happy with my decision to donate a kidney!! 💚
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
And when one of us is gone And one of us is left to carry on Then remembering will have to do Our memories alone will get us through Think about the days of me & you ❤️💔
He was the great love of my life. This loss is one of those ones that hit the hardest even though they’re all equally devastating in another way. This loss has always felt like something on a whole other level in some way. At first I just assumed it’s because I knew him for so long. He was just always by my side, and I never remembered life before him since he came and couldn’t ever fathom life after him. But then I realized it’s not the case because if I would have lost him years before when I did not know him as long it would have been the same pain and profound loss. It’s a deep gaping wound that never seems to close. It feels like a physical part of me is missing, like a big chunk of something has been ripped out of me. An unearthly kind of pain. Sometimes it feels unbearable. He was just so much a part of me. It feels like I wasn’t meant to live without him. I know it’s not true. Dogs are supposed to get old and die much sooner than humans. But it still feels that way.
My constant, my familiar, my safe, my home…in all the uncertainty & unknown.
❤️😍 True love – a rare kiss 😘💋
I remember the first day I walked into the room and everything was gone. His bed was gone, his crate that was just for when he wanted to be in it, never closed, was gone, his toys were gone, his treat jar was gone, his doggy gate was gone, his notebook & pen to keep track of his walks & potty breaks & water and treats were gone, his food & water bowls were gone, his large bag of dog food was gone, his leash, gone, his doggy bags, gone, the fur that he was always shedding that got on things, gone, every single trace of him was gone, every shred of evidence that he ever existed was gone.
Just gone.
I remember the surprise. I have never seen such an empty room. There was a table and chair, things for preparing food on the counter, papers around, a bookshelf full of books, various other things around the whole room…but the room was empty. I have never felt such profound emptiness. I remember the sense of panic that arose in me. The heaviness that weighed me down, threatening to pull me to the floor, legs becoming weak, just like the day I let him go. My eyes frantically scanning the room for just one clue that he was once here. But there was none. Desperation growing somewhere deep inside me, taking root in a place I’m not sure I could identify, a claustrophobic kind of fear taking me over.
I looked around, and it was like he never existed except for the void in me aching to be filled, the throbbing pain that surged through me and all over me with nowhere to go. Completely alone with just the memories & the raw pain letting me know he once lived. I felt that I would run to the ends of the earth to find him. It may have been the second most painful moment of this life of mine.
A disarray of memories swirling around my head, inspiring both joy & anguish, but more anguish. Him running through the glistening snow on a cold Winter’s day, and rolling around in the green grass on a sunnySummer morning, crunching through the Fall leaves on the cobblestone streets we walked upon each day, rubbing his little face in the Spring flowers blooming in our favorite park, running along the Schyulkill river trail side by side every morning & evening, the big smile on his face as we ran against the wind, the wind blowing through his fur and my long hair, not a care in the world, standing on his back legs in the kitchen to look at the plants, running around the table making me chase him to get his leash on, oh how I miss that leash that was just so him, haven’t seen it in so long, randomly giving me a bunch of kisses even though he rarely ever kissed, kissing wasn’t his love language. But he reserved a few just for me. I don’t think he ever kissed anyone else.
I remembered the late Fall day in 2020 when I first heard him bark & growl after years of knowing him, when I first saw him angry, fur bristling as we walked alone together late at night on a dark narrow and desolate cobblestone street. He never barked or growled. At anyone, ever. Not humans or any other animals. If ever he did not like someone, he would completely ignore them. He was extremely gentle and quiet, an introverted boy. Mostly indifferent to everything & everyone around him. He peered into the shadows ahead. He suddenly growled then barked and jumped in front of me, standing as tall as he possibly could as if to ward away something or someone lurking in the shadows that he thought was a threat to me. Still the ball of energy he always was, strong and healthy, youthful, thinking his little body could protect me if only he stood his ground and kept me back and whatever it was, in front of us. He would not calm down, so we turned around and walked the other way, and he was satisfied. I remember the feeling bordering on shock because I have known him for so long and never saw him react that way in all our years together. I don’t think anyone else has either.I remember wanting to tell everyone, wanting to tell the world that Koto just barked and growled. It was the most amazing thing. He was not jumpy or ever startled, nothing scared him. He took everything as it came and just ignored it. For him to act that way, there had to be a real reason.
Sometimes I wonder if he saved my life that night.
Years later, I held him during his last hour here on Earth as we sat in our favorite park that we visited together for years. Clung to him as if my own life depended on his. My heart wanted to plead with him not to go, but my head knew he had to. Resting my heavy head on his as my heavy heavy heart sunk into my abdomen, feeling his little heart beat against mine, the last beats it would ever take. It still felt strong, steady, but his frail, weakened little body hung limp, like a ragdoll in my arms, no longer able to protect me like that Fall day all those years before, his eyes glazed over, no longer seeing, his legs collapsing if I tried to get him to stand, no longer caring to eat or drink,…his time here was up after almost sixteen years even though his heart was still strong against mine. And even though my arms refused to let go.
💔🖤
Saying goodbye to him, letting him go, was the single most painful moment of this life of mine. In that one pivotal moment I have lived an entire lifetime, maybe even a thousand lifetimes, lived every emotion there is to live. Both empty and full, completely gutted like a scene in a horror movie, or so it felt. In that moment, I did more living than I have in all the decades I have been alive. In that moment I became completely whole even though it felt and still feels so utterly shattering. I broke into a million little pieces to become one so completely whole. It’s a wholeness that nothing can touch. Even if I ever feel that something in life or in myself is lacking or someone else tells me it is, I can retreat to that place and find my wholeness there.
April 10th, 2023 – our very last day together, his last day on Earth ❤️💔
After letting him go that day, I walked by a park we sometimes visited through the years, not our favorite park, but one we sometimes walked to when he wanted to take me there. I saw the most vibrant flowers. I hungrily took in their beauty, desperately hoping for some sense of comfort or hope. For a fleeting moment those flowers appeared to be smiling at me as if to make everything momentarily ok. I held them in my heart for the rest of that warm Spring day allowing them to cool & sooth the bitter burning pain for a brief moment in time. He loved flowers. He made it a point to stop and put his nose right on them whenever we walked through our parks.
❤️
I have a silver necklace with a charm that has a “K” engraved on one side and a flower engraved on the other side. I bought it shortly after he died. I got it because it’s both of our initial and to remember all our days in the flowers together and how much he loved them. 🌹I have loved & lost so many pets through the years, both my own at home and the ones I work with. So I don’t buy things in memory of them or anything because there are just so many. But I was inspired to for this one.
This is a story that plays in my head again & again as I walk through life without him. Sometimes it’s quiet & somber and just here living in me, and sometimes it’s so loud and heavy and dizzying & agonizing it nearly brings me to my knees. But it’s our story. And it’s as beautiful as it is heartbreaking. It’s breathtaking, both in the unpleasant way that knocks the wind out of you like a punch in the gut, and the pleasant way that makes you gasp in beauty when you see the most stunning view you have ever seen.
And at the end of this life, whether it be tomorrow or in 100 more years, I’m going to say that in this life knowing him, loving him, walking with him by my side for all those years, was my greatest honor. ❤️
(this is my FB post earlier lol Now it’s evening, & I’m in bed! 😁
Yup, it’s a sleezy bra pic, judge away lol
Kidney donation surgery recovery update.
Matching bra & leggings! 😆 I was getting dressed one day recently and realized they match and look pretty so had to get a pic lol Can’t see them here but my incisions are kind of purply & gnarly 😆 I think I look hella good for just having my body sliced open and an organ removed 😁
I’m recovering so well!! I’m so thankful I’m having the perfect recovery. Not one complaint except the problem with my neck being messed up under anesthesia. Overall, my energy level these last weeks since surgery have been essentially the same as before surgery. Impressive! Haven’t had fatigue at all or any serious pain related to the surgery itself! My first night home after the hospital the incision & abdominal pain was nearly unbearable. Burning pain. It kept me up at night. Thankfully after that night into the morning, it subsided. Fatigue was my main concern about donating a kidney because I’m very active. I was much more concerned about prolonged fatigue than prolonged pain. But it hasn’t been an issue at all. I only sleep at night and walk for hours a day! The only “fatigue” (it’s not even really fatigue but is a feeling like I have to stop & rest for a sec, I just called it fatigue) I have had occasionally but haven’t lately is because of a neck issue I have that was triggered by the way I was positioned while under anesthesia. They said that could happen. It’s actually more like lightheaded than fatigue though. Other than that, I am just as energetic and would be just as active as ever (still have to watch the incisions and my insides). My first days home I did as much walking/traveling as before surgery. I think that was too much, too soon because after that I did not have the motivation for that much walking, still walked a good amount though each day without getting tired usually and had a great amount of energy in general. Once in a while when I’m out walking I get the urge to sit down, it’s a kind of lightheadedness, I think, not really tired. But it goes away in a minute or two and I can continue walking a long while. I never have to take naps, haven’t taken a nap since the hospital! Just sometimes had to lay down for a minute til the lightheaded feeling passes then back up. I can feel myself getting better with each day. Many kidney donors struggle with the gas that they pump into us. I haven’t had any issues with the gas at all. No bloating or pain or anything. Once in a while I have felt a sense of pressure in different places, nothing much. I was prepared to feel pain all in my shoulders and all, which they said hurts like a biatch lol I can bend and laugh and cough, no problem! I feel that I could be back to work fully, but I know I can’t because I know my insides are still healing, and I can develop a complication if I’m not careful.
I haven’t taken any pain meds since my first day home a couple weeks ago except once in a while Tylenol for the neck issue, though nothing works for that, not even prescription pain meds or the IV meds. My lower abdomen and bladder were completely numb except the C-section-like incision. They said numbness could happen and could be permanent or temporary. I did not mind it. The feeling is beginning to come back. It’s burning pain on occasion but only mild overall. No problem to me at all. Whenever I feel a bolt of pain through my abdomen, I smile and remember what I did for someone. I am honored.
I have also been having some moderate level heartburn (ouch!). I usually don’t have that. It may be something to do with them having to move my intestines around and the intestines having to go back in place on their own. After they move our intestines out of the way and take the kidney, they sew us up and leave the intestines, and other organs they pushed aside, to find their own way back. 😳 Lol Hopefully they remember where they belong 😂🤣
My appetite is not the same as before surgery, but that was expected. I don’t have as much of an appetite and usually cannot taste food as intensely as before the surgery. I have a very strong sense of taste which is currently diminished. I also cannot eat as much. This is very common after donating a kidney and can last weeks or months. I was expecting it, but I was expecting it to be even worse. I don’t mind it. For the first days after surgery, nearly all food and drinks were repulsive to me. I was only able to eat whatever food I was in the mood for, first it was Mexican food. Then saucy stuff like mozerella sticks with sauce and pizza fries and pizza. Each day my body told me the only kind of food it would tolerate. And it was nothing healthy 😂 I wasn’t going to argue with it though, it just gave up a kidney. It can have whatever junk it wants while recovering. I’m lucky I still did have some of an appetite right away. And I could only drink soda mostly, which I generally don’t drink because it’s not healthy. My body would only accept cola usually, which we are supposed to limit with only one kidney because it can damage the remaining kidney. It’s ironic that I rarely drink it anymore, now after donating a kidney when I should not have it much it’s all I been drinking (I can only take a few sips here & there though, not guzzling bottles & bottles). But it’s only temporary. Water (and water based drinks like iced tea) was so repulsive to me, and I love water (and iced tea)! I’m slowly beginning to be able to drink it more again. Still kind of icky but healthy, so I’m trying! Now I can eat any kind of food, just very limited portions. Also been drinking electrolyte drinks some days.
I love seeing how strong my body is and how it has this amazing ability to heal itself (and someone else!). 💚
I also have been doing very well with my mood. We can develop something similar to postpartum depression or anxiety or grieve for the “lost” kidney, sometimes to the point of needing therapy or grief counseling. But I have no problems at all! Just happy and thankful!! I made the best decision and will always be happy with that decision to save a life. 💚 My kidney has a great new home, no doubt.
I have a post op appointment soon to check my kidney function and incisions.
I would never know I just donated a kidney just over two weeks ago!
Donating a kidney is easy peasy, I totally recommend it! 😁 (I’m just saying that playfully, some people have a much more difficult recovery or even serious complications, so not something to take lightly. I have compassion for people who have a difficult recovery. I just got lucky 💚)
Now I’m off to go get a caramel iced latte and go for a long walk around the city taking in all the lovely views (I never get tired of the same streets & buildings day after day, year after year lol You would think I’m a tourist in my own city). This is the life. 😁😍
#livingkidneydonor 🫘😁
💚🫘
I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💚
On the late afternoon streets, everyone hurries along, going about their own business. Who is the person walking in front of you on the rain-drenched sidewalk? He is covered with an umbrella, and all you can see is a dark coat and the shoes striking the puddles. And yet this person is the hero of his own life story. He is the love of someone’s life. And what he can do may change the world. Imagine being him for a moment. And then continue on your own way.
Content warning ⚠️: last couple pictures are of my incisions. I requested a picture of the kidney after they removed it. 😆 But they haven’t sent it to me yet. Lol
On 1/16/2024, my lifelong dream came true.
I had the honor of becoming a living kidney donor, giving the gift of life to someone in need. 💚🫘 What a beautiful, rare, awe inspiring experience.
For almost as long as I can remember I have wanted to donate my kidney to a stranger, just anyone who could use my “spare.” When I was young, I read a heartwarming true story about a man who donated his kidney to the next person on the transplant list in the U.S. He said we are all the same inside, and he wouldn’t hesitate to do this for his own son, so it made no sense to him to hesitate doing that for anyone else. He said something along the lines of everyone he looked at is the same as his son, someone who wants to live, be happy, and healthy. I instantly recognized him as part of my soul family. I knew exactly what he meant. I KNEW then deep inside that that would be me one day giving my kidney to a stranger because everyone I look at is the same, the same as my own friend, my own family member, the same as me. There is no difference. That person is not my mom, not my brother, not my friend, not my child, not my spouse, not my niece, not my nephew, not me. But that’s someone else’s mom, daughter, husband, wife, friend, Grandma, coworker, neighbor, child and most importantly, someone. Someone who wants to live and be healthy. I have always had the gift of perfect health and endless energy. So after hearing again about altruistic kidney donation on the radio many years after that story, I decided to go for it, and after a long journey of medical & psych evaluation, interviews, paperwork, phone calls, more medical & psych testing to be sure I’m qualified…I woke up on Tuesday 1/16/2024 and chose to give life to an anonymous stranger in another state. Our surgeries were said to be flawless, and our kidneys are functioning perfectly. My doctors told me I was walking out of the hospital with one kidney just as healthy as when I walked in that early morning a couple days before with two kidneys. My only strict lifelong restriction is NSAIDS (Advil, Aspirin, Motrin…). No dietary restrictions, but I do have to be more careful than most with salt & things. And it’s especially important for me to stay hydrated now with one kidney. I need more water than most each day to keep my one lil bean happy. It’s doing the work of two! I have no doubt that my experience giving life to a struggling human is just as much a gift to me as it is to that person. 💚🫘
💚🫘“From the entire NKDO community, thank you for your selfless act of donating a kidney. Your extraordinary compassion and generosity are an inspiration to all of us.” 💚🫘Oneweek kidneyversary today and recovering so well!! 💚
Content warning ⚠️: incisions.
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They pumped my abdomen with gas to make room for the surgeon to work, so it’s bigger here
I’m so honored to have this experience! It’s the experience of a lifetime! 💚 To know a part of me is literally keeping someone else alive. My beautiful body is keeping someone else alive and working hard to heal & keeping itself alive. Most people don’t get accepted to donate a kidney because of health issues usually, even minor ones can get someone rejected. I am so lucky with my health and knew I had to share that gift with someone else. ♥️♥️♥️
I’m wishing you a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
On January 16, 2024, my kidney will have its new forever home with a person in Minnesota!
I am going to share a set of kidneys with an anonymous person somewhere else in the country! 😭😍
My kidney is going to the next person on the waiting list in the U.S who I am a match for. My person was found in Minnesota! (I’m in Pennsylvania) That’s all the information they will give me. In altruistic donations like this, which are always anonymous, it’s possible even with very little information that the donor/recipient can potentially identify each other if they try, so they give us as little information as possible about each other to avoid that. Sometimes the transplant teams reveal the gender & age. I did not get that info yet. I may or may not later.
How amazing is this!!! What a rare & beautiful experience, to get to give someone else the gift of life through organ donation and while being alive. 💚💚💚🫘 🫘 🫘 It was a long journey of extensive medical & psychiatric evaluation to be sure I’m physically & emotionally fit to donate a kidney and so much paperwork. But here we are!In altruistic donations in the U.S it’s possible for the anonymity to eventually be broken, but the recipient has to be the one to initiate it. If the donor agrees, they can communicate. In some cases the recipient reaches out through the transplant center to thank & update the donor on how the transplant is working for them. In other cases, the recipient never does. Either way is good with me! I’m just looking to potentially help someone! 💚
My surgery will take place at 6:00am on 1/16/2024 at Penn Transplant Institute here in Philadelphia. Lefty will be shipped on an airplane to its new person. I get to keep Righty. I’ll be in the hospital for at least two days, no more than four days as long as there are no complications. They said most likely two days. I will be accepting visitors! All are welcome, even strangers! You can let me know in advance or just show up as a surprise (bringing gifts! It can be anything, I’m easy to please 😆 jk, just your presence is enough)! The more, the merrier lol
I couldn’t help it and ordered a sterling silver necklace with our transplant date as a mini celebration as soon as I was told my match was found and our date!! It wasn’t a wise decision because it’s not uncommon for transplant dates to change if donor or recipient wakes up with a sore throat that day or catches a virus just before or something changes with one of the surgeon’s schedules…But I couldn’t resist! So let’s hope so much it doesn’t change! The necklace was not expensive, but it would be a waste of material and time for the seller/creator on Etsy. But I’m hopeful and staying positive it will remain that date!!
Anyone want to guess the gender of my kidney sib? Girl? 🩷 Boy? 🩵 Other? 💜 I’ll see if we can get a gender reveal going lol
CONGRATULATIONS TO………. . . . . MY FUTURE KIDNEY RECIPIENT!!!
(Whoever you are 😆)
💚🫘💚🫘
One lucky, unsuspecting person (possibly two) is going to get The Call soon!
Yup, It’s official!!
LEFTY & ME WERE ACCEPTED FOR ALTRUISTIC KIDNEY DONATION!!
I got the news this morning and have been floating in the clouds since then.
After six months of interviews, extensive medical & psychiatric testing, paperwork… I’m judged by the selection committee to be physically healthy enough and emotionally stable enough to be a living organ donor!! How amazing!!
By the end of this year, my left kidney will have a new home, giving someone else possibly 20+ more years of the gift of health & life!
I’m signing my kidney away today! The transplant nurse sent me the consent form! I can, of course, change my mind even after signing. But I won’t lol
It has been my dream to be an altruistic kidney donor for many years since I was young and first learned about it. Now I’m finally getting around to it! It’s a dream come true!!
I knew I was accepted even before I was told because the nurse was so cheerful. As soon as she said “Good Morning, Kim!!!” I knew! After she told me, I was beaming, and an indescribable feeling came over me unlike anything I have experienced before. This has been my dream for YEARS! I tried a few years ago to donate to whoever was next on the wait list who I’m a match for. But then the virus broke out, and everything changed and was put on hold, and I couldn’t continue the process.
I can donate to any person registered with the National Kidney Registry even if we aren’t a match. If we’re not a dna match, that person would get a kidney voucher, and my kidney would go to the next person I’m a match for, then my chosen recipient would get the next kidney available that’s a match for them (estimated to be a few months after the donor surgery) through my donation. So it helps two people, my intended recipient who I chose & my direct recipient, who will actually have my kidney! Can’t go wrong there! ❤️
I have a specific person I’m trying to help, a 75 year old man in Pennsylvania. I never communicated with him, he doesn’t know I exist. I saw his request on a subway late one night when out for work months ago. He doesn’t have much longer to live because of kidney failure. If for any reason it doesn’t work with him, my kidney will go to whoever is in need who I’m a match for. They’re contacting him to tell him he has a donor after being sick for so long and almost near death.
I thank my transplant team so so much for trusting me and having faith in my ability and accepting me. And also for their kindness and compassion. I told my nurse that today and will again! The whole team is very very kind, gentle, and friendly. Just being around them during the testing melted all my anxiety away. I’m not afraid of the surgery or kidney removal, but the medical & psychiatric testing was a bit anxiety provoking at first lol
I’m glad I chose Penn Transplant Institute to trust my life with!! 💚🫘
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
(If any words are censored, like “wh!te,” it’s because I may share this on FB where we can get our accounts suspended for it lol The word wh!te has gotten people suspended, something to do with racial issues, and FB doesn’t detect context, also I censor common trigger words for people with tr@uma history, don’t think there’s any here though)
This morning, I saw a woman (or fem presenting person) standing alone on a street corner who was so beautiful, she took my breath away and almost gave me butterflies. I was struck. I was out walking and casually looked over then saw her. I stopped for a second just to look. It was a kind of breathtaking beauty that is physical but also runs deeper. Like an inner beauty was making her physical beauty even more beautiful. It was like her inner beauty just existing there made her extra lovely. It was nothing she did, nothing she said. Just existence.
It was love at first sight. Truly.
I love everyone in a universal sense, but this wasn’t that.
Instantly I felt a kind of fluttering in my chest. It did almost feel like large butterfly wings hitting against my ribcage over & over for a minute after I first saw her. It’s so rare for me to experience that, but I have before when I see/encounter a woman I have some sort of inclination for. It was in the chest, not the stomach. I don’t think it was my heart. It made me laugh in giddiness. It was thrilling. I was thinking if we got to know each other and became close, I could tell even in ten+ years I would still get this feeling upon looking at her. I can still feel some of it lingering as I write. It was the most briefest encounter but with long lasting effect.
I’m an aromantic woman and don’t get butterflies exactly but have some sort of emotional & physical reaction (not physical arousal lol) sometimes to other women, it’s not romantic or sexual but has some of the “ingredients” or nuances of romantic. It’s not less intense or less pleasant, just doesn’t involve everything that sexual/romantic attraction does but involves “more” or is a bit different than typical platonic. It’s often referred to in the aromantic/asexual community as alterous attraction/love or queerplatonic attraction/love. It can be more invested or intimate (non sexual for me) than usual platonic. Sometimes I experience a head to toe full body tingling (again, not arousal lol) or tingling in the fingertips upon seeing a woman, only masc women for that though. A fluttering in the chest. Sometimes a racing heart, not because of anxiety but because of thrill. I don’t get that rollercoaster feeling in the ab that the romantics speak of or a feeling that’s drawing me to them like a magnet or a feeling like I have to be all over them constantly or I’ll explode lol I also have no desire to ask them out or be asked out on a date and no desire to “build a life/future” with them. But would love to be each other’s “person,” if that makes sense. It does to us aces & aros lol It’s an intense emotional attraction that can turn to love, a kind of love that is more prominent than typical platonic, not more valid or better, just more invested. It can inspire us to want someone as a non romantic life partner. It makes me want to be each other’s most important person (though I can settle for me being second lol not someone’s second choice if they couldn’t have someone else but second love if they have a slightly more important relationship to them, I can’t be someone’s lover, but I can be a very invested/intimate friend/non romantic partner, possible “cuddle buddy” or friend with sensual benefits if I have that sensual & emotional inclination together, I usually just have the emotional aspect).
She looked to be around fifty years old, maybe slightly younger. An attractively thin wh!te woman, at least as tall as I am, possibly slightly taller. Dark brown, wavy shoulder length hair. Well put together. She looked youthful and like she could still be considered a young woman than “older woman” even though her age seemed to be what society considers “older.” She had a large shoulder bag over her shoulder and was holding a phone and looking around completely oblivious to anything around her. She looked somewhat distracted, possibly a bit anxious, almost in a vulnerable state. If I had to guess, I would say something wasn’t going as planned and she wasn’t sure what to do. Probably why she was holding her phone and looking around the way she was with wide eyes. Looked like she was waiting for someone who wasn’t showing up. Who could stand up such a beautiful woman is beyond me. Couldn’t be me. lol
She was wearing classy but casual, comfortable, but dressy looking clothing. A tan dressy jacket over a white shirt and tan capri pants. I don’t remember her shoes. I was more focused on her stunningly beautiful angelic face. She had a gentle smile at some points.She seemed like a professional/career woman. Not sure why, but I got those vibes. Something about the way she moved/stood and her dress style. It was like a kind of professionalism carried over into personal life. But of course I could be wrong.
She reminded me of another woman I used to know, this other woman was extremely beautiful inside & out, and looking at this woman was almost like looking at her. She looked very similar and had a gentle kind-hearted face. The feels that came over me just seeing her. Just thinking back, I can feel that fluttering and giddiness, like walking on air or like I just won the billion dollar lotto, just by catching a glance of her. Lol If I did not know this other woman I knew, I would still have some sort of reaction to this one, but it was much more intense because of how she reminded me of the other one. It was like a small part of my brain mistaking her for her, but I still knew she isn’t her. I don’t know this woman’s personality like I knew the other woman’s. So the memory of that personality in combination with seeing her physical appearance looking so similar to the other woman’s was driving this very intense experience. I imagined being near her would be like being near her. The second “her” being the other woman. It was a super intense yearning.
She was surrounded by so many strangers walking around and attending events at the nearby park. But all I saw was her. It was like the world came to a sudden standstill and froze on her. I’m too shy to approach a stranger, and even if I did, what would I even say? Will you be my friend forever, my queerplatonic love, you’re so pretty, let’s get together for a friend date? 😆 Actually that should be normalized but would have probably creeped her out lol What I experienced for her was platonic based but stronger or different than typical platonic. Just seeing her inspired me to want to get to know her with the intention of becoming bff’s, possibly platonic life partners to an extent. Nothing physical except friendly platonic hugs. If she was a masc woman, kisses & full on cuddles. She’s probably heterosexual and so probably couldn’t develop a very invested certain level of intimate emotional attraction to another woman like a lesbian oriented aromantic woman could, but I would still love to be close regular platonic friends/bff’s lol
She was a fem girl, so I did not experience sensual attraction (non sexual cuddling, skin to skin contact..), I mostly only have that for masc women. Less often, I can experience a hint of it or a very limited sensual attraction to fem women. Also, sometimes I can experience sensual inclination for women that is more rooted in affection than actual attraction, though not common for me. For this woman, there was none of that. But I did experience a kind of instant emotional attraction, mostly inspired by the fact that she reminded me of someone else I knew and had that emotional connection to, and just her face was so kind and so so pretty. I could have stood & stared all day. But I walked away.
There’s no doubt in my mind the woman I saw today is kind and sweet and compassionate and soft and gentle. I know that’s judging just by one glance and people would say just me projecting or creating her in my image. And that’s technically true. But I believe it’s true that if I got to talking to her, my judgement would be correct. My judgementabout the other woman I met years ago, who I often thought of as my soulmate, was correct. Some would say that’s just a coincidence. But I say it’s a knowing.
As a strictly asexual woman, I don’t experience sexual attraction (no desire for sexual contact, seeing them in the nude and stuff, no physical arousal/libido triggered by looking at anyone, no sexual thoughts or fantasies about anyone, nothing like that even crosses my mind, and I don’t mind that, I’m naturally just not interested) or even know what that feels like, but I experience powerful aesthetic attraction in its place, to women/women aligned/fem presenting people. Aesthetic attraction is something experienced by many asexual people and usually not experienced by non asexual people, though it can be. It’s more than just thinking someone is good looking. It stirs something in me and is a deeply moving experience. It intoxicates me. It’s like being drunk on beauty. It’s one of my favorite things in life. I used to sneak playboy magazines in my dad’s office as a teenager and hide in the work closet with them when I visited his work,just to see the beautiful women and feel drunk. Lol It can even lift layers of a depressive episode sometimes if I’m in one and see a beautiful woman. It’s possible for it to be an orientation on its own. Homoaesthetic, heteroaesthetic, biaesthetic… I’m homoaesthetic, but all my attractions are to other women. So I just identify mostly as a lesbian oriented asexual woman. Sometimes lesbian oriented aroace, but that’s less easy for people to understand. They don’t understand emotional attraction without the romantic aspect.
Aesthetic attraction plays a part in my non regular platonic emotional attraction to a woman (I don’t exactly experience romantic attraction but some aspects of it). Just like sexual attraction, my aesthetic attraction can make me want to get to know someone, though I can also experience it and not care to get to know them, usually that’s the case. I experience aesthetic attraction to many many women/fem presenting people everyday, all day. But on rare occasions there’s something more to it than just wanting to stare, something deeper and even more inspiring. Something that brings me such joy & happiness and reminds me something is missing, something I have longed for all life long. It’s a beautiful longing, mixed with pain & hope, thrill.
I’m sharing this just because I’m inspired and also to share some of what it’s like to be an asexual aromantic woman with “lesbian leanings” as it’s known in the aro/ace community. We’re not all oriented, but many of us are. We experience what are known as tertiary attractions, attractions that are not romantic/sexual but strong and prominent enough to feel they warrant a lable next to our asexual/aromantic one (lesbian/bi/gay/pan/hetero… oriented aro/ace) and inspire us to want some sort of relationship with someone that isn’t romantic/sexual but more prominent or closer than typical platonic usually is. Tertiary attractions include aesthetic, emotional, alterous, sensual, intellectual…most people experience all their attractions together. But those of us on the A spectrums experience some and not others.
What I experienced for this woman and others is rare, or maybe slightly more common than rare but not common,but recurring throughout life since I was a little girl. My longing for emotional closeness to a deep extent and craving for physical/sensual touch isn’t rare, but my actual attractions to specific women are. I wish I experienced it more frequently. It’s pleasant when it happens lol But I can relive it in my memories. It’s not rare that I love and want to be friends with certain people. I love people of any genders and can want to be close friends. It’s rare when it happens a certain way like here. I’m glad for the experience when it does occur!
I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
Xoxo Kim 💋😘
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