This is an image I created using AI 🖤 I made it to represent my elevator fear and dreams
Content warning ⚠️: claustrophobia, brief mention of s*icidal ideation and self injury, but the self injury isn’t in a “depressed kind of way,” but a result of panic
This post was meant for yesterday!
These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life 🖤
I’m going to share my nightmare while I was asleepbut first will give it context by explaining my claustrophobia.
I shared here before about my lifelong struggle with debilitating Claustrophobia, actual diagnosed Claustrophobia, particularly fear of elevators. I have struggled with it since I was a little girl for an unknown reason. I used to run up 20 floors just to avoid getting into elevators, but in some buildings stairs going up are blocked off. Just walking by an elevator or having to go into a building knowing they’re in there, would be enough to experience intense fear. Sometimes being in an elevator I would go into such a panic, I would claw myself up with my fingernails until my skin bled, just out of a sense of not knowing what to do.
When I was young, I mostly could avoid elevators so it wasn’t as much a problem except on school trips and visiting people in hospitals. That was challenging. Also as a college girl, sometimes I had to get into elevators to get to class. I was embarrassed and insecure about my claustrophobia as a young girl. I did not know it’s a disorder or a defined thing. I thought it meant I’m wimpy. I was impressed when other kids could get into elevators and not be scared. I thought they were braver than me. I now know this isn’t true. Claustrophobia is an anxiety disorder and doesn’t mean someone is weak or not brave. As a girl, I used to daydream that I got into elevators with no fear, and I longed to be this brave for real.
I am one of the phobia sufferers who would often face my fear and get into an elevator anyway and just suffer. I wouldn’t have a positive mindset about it. Many phobia sufferers cannot face the fear and will always avoid the source at all costs. It’s a cruel irony, as I have said before, to have to come face to face with the very thing we fear most, to get over it.
I “cured” it myself after trying out professional exposure therapy and seeing it just wasn’t needed for me; I could handle it on my own. I did use the exposure technique but on my own without the help of a therapist any longer. My claustrophobia was so severe and crippling, it would trigger s*icidal episodes. It’s a very powerful breathtaking fear. It’s so powerful, it inspires awe in me to get to experience something so profound. It’s one of the most intense feelings there is, and not everyone gets to experience something so powerful in that way. I don’t like it, but still intrigued by it and thankful for the experience.It reminds me of love even though it’s not pleasant, the intensity of it can be the same, like so strong, it could move mountains.
It got better, but then I suffered a relapse at the end of 2017 after making the mistake of watching the numbers and waiting for the doors to open. It seemed to take a fraction of a second too long, which made me crumble in terror. This is when I began the exposure therapy. When I first got better, it was after getting used to getting into elevators with a dog. Then eventually I could alone. For a while, I would imagine the dog in there with me even when she wasn’t. That helped. I did not have to get into elevators as much anymore so got unaccustomed to it after the relapse. Then I had to again and could not handle it. So I began organized exposure therapy and meditation. The Philadelphia Eagles won the Superbowl in 2018. Their motto leading up to it was Let us prey. I adopted this saying and attitude as my mantra and way of coping with my Claustrophobia. I chose to prey upon the fear instead of allowing the fear to prey upon me.
I’m not cured. I still have it. It’s just dormant. I can still always feel it beneath my surface and know that it can come back. It’s slightly threatening. I know it’s here possibly waiting to be unleashed. This is true even when I’m calm as can be closed inside an elevator. Sometimes this knowing is more intellectual, and other occasions it’s more a feeling with body and emotion. I don’t mind this. I just peacefully coexist with it. I have to keep getting into elevators to keep myself used to it. If I ever stop, it will come back. Some days just for no particular reason, I feel a flare up and avoid them if I can because I know not to push myself; that isn’t the same as having an active phobia and avoiding them when I have to encounter them to get better. But that’s seldom. Also, if I’m anxious about something else or am dehydrated (dehydration gives me anxiety in a physiological way, not anxious thoughts, but just a feeling of anxiety and physical symptoms), my claustrophobia will flare, not a full on relapse, just a flare. The anxiety of dehydration will latch onto thoughts about being stuck in an elevator and manifest as claustrophobia.
My claustrophobia was always present even being inside an elevator with people. But eventually I stopped being afraid as long as people were inside with me or a dog was. The thought of being trapped inside with a dog or other human stopped terrifying me, just being alone did. Even now, I wouldn’t be afraid or only slightly if an elevator wouldn’t open with a dog and me or another human and me. Before, that would have still sent me off the deep end. Even if it locked with just me now, I can handle it, I think, as long as I don’t have a relapse.
Since I was a little girl into adulthood, I have been plagued by recurring nightmares of being stuck in an elevator. In my dreams it’s an old familiar fear, as if I have been stuck in one before, like a knowing feeling, an intimate knowing, like oh this again. This again. Each dream brought with it the same old feeling, like an underlying thread connecting all the dreams together even spanning over years, decades. Like in each dream it was as if I remembered all the dreams before it, not necessarily consciously remembered, but knew on some level that this keeps happening, but in the dreams, it felt more like they were reality than a dream. Almost like I’m stuck in another world where I am sentenced to getting stuck in elevators again and again and again. Like Groundhog day lol Sometimes I would have multiple elevator dreams in one night. The dreams all start out like regular life, I’m going about my day then must get into an elevator then It happens. My worst nightmare.
This again.
It happens in all different ways, but it’s all the feeling of absolute dread where I just know. I know I am not getting out of here.
I stopped having them for so long.
Until last night.
No idea why, but last night, I had another elevator nightmare. I can’t remember when I last had one. I’m not anxious, and my claustrophobia isn’t relapsing.
But last night I had a dream that I was about to get into an elevator. There was a friendly, smiling petite woman already inside holding the doors for me. I remember her so vividly. She was pale skinned and around my age, maybe a bit older, around as tall as me, maybe slightly shorter, and she was slightly thinner than me. She had what may be called strawberry blonde hair, mouth length. She was wearing a navy blue and white striped long sleeved shirt. The stripes were thin. I don’t remember her pants. She wasn’t physically beautiful but not ugly, but she was beautiful on the inside. What some may call mousy or plain in appearance, but she had a cuteness about her, a humble prettiness. She was very sweet and friendly with a gentle air about her.
We both happened to be going to the 14th floor in whatever building it was. I have no idea why we were there. She was delighted and pushed the button for us both. She had a compassionate, warm, welcoming personality, like she never met a stranger, like she may have been open to developing a friendship or at least an acquaintanceship with me, just in that mundane encounter where most wouldn’t even give each other so much as a glance. It was like when she looked at me, she saw me. Not the way strangers around look up and quickly look away. It wasn’t her words that allowed me to know her nature, but her body language, her facial expressions, her energy, her actions, her smile. I remember her warm energy.
We got to the 14th floor, and the elevator sped past and went to the 17th floor and stopped and wouldn’t open. When it went past the 14th, we both knew. We knew It was happening.
It.
It with a capital “I.”
I’m covered in head to toe chills just writing this. The fear and the knowing in the dream were not normal. We were doomed and knew it in a way that people in reality wouldn’t know it. It’s a kind of knowing, a kind of knowing fear that only exists in dreams or nightmares. Sure, real people who are rational may be anxious but wouldn’t already be in despair and *know* they will be stuck forever or die. We did know, and we were in despair. Real people would be thinking like let’s see how to get this fixed or hopefully this opens or what is going on or thinking we have to call for help or wait for someone to let us out…we had no hope and did not have to wonder, we were doomed. There was no one coming to let us out. And we knew. We knew the very split second that elevator sped past floor 14. The woman gasped and said something I can’t remember, and I stood there paralyzed in that old familiar intimate crippling panic. It was happening again. IT.
The elevator just froze there at the 17th floor. I was panicked that we were stuck. Then I suddenly realized we had a bigger problem than just being stuck. I realized being stuck at floor 17 means being stuck in the air, that high up. Just hanging in midair. I imagined it dropping and us falling to our deaths. Suddenly, as if to hear my thoughts and wanting to taunt, it began to go down very quickly. I wasn’t sure if we were dropping to our deaths or it would land safely, but I knew either way, we weren’t getting out of there, and so did she. Suddenly it began dropping faster and making loud noises and lighting up, then it began going back up and then down then back up, the flashing lights getting more and more intense. All the numbers were lighting up. The whole situation felt aggressive, like the elevator was consciously attacking us. Like it was out to get us.
The woman was screaming and had her head down, covering it with her arms in a defensive stance, as if to protect herself against whatever blows were to be coming to her. I wasn’t screaming or doing anything (typical of me in reality also), but my fear very much matched hers. The top of the elevator began to open up, and we both eagerly looked up to see if maybe, just maybe, there was a way to climb up and get out. There wasn’t. We saw something, I can’t remember what, that we both knew meant it was a hopeless situation for us. We looked at each other, her face contorted into a mask of horror and despair and a desperate pleading look. The crashing noises got louder, the lights more flashy, the elevator began to close in on us as we both got into the self defensive position and moved closer to each other, then clinging to each other knowing our end was very near.
Then I woke up.
And that’s that. lol
First thing this morning, I had to get on an elevator by myself for work. And I remembered this dream as the doors were closing on me. So that was fun. lol 😆
I have been having very vivid dreams lately. I always have but not as much as years ago when I was young, and I don’t remember them as much as I used to. But recently I have been having very detailed dreams that I remember. I generally don’t have unpleasant dreams.
I love that my mind made this character up and brought her to life so vividly. She wasn’t anyone I ever knew for real. I’m not sure how true it is, but I read before that our brain doesn’t make up faces, that if we dream a face very clearly, like my situation here, it means we necessarily saw that face before in real life, maybe even decades ago. It may not have been that person in our dream, just their face. So like this woman’s face could have been my 5th grade teacher’s (in fact thinking back, I think they did have a similar face, build, hair style…and she was warm, sweet, friendly, and around that age maybe lol) even if she wasn’t that person/my teacher in my dream. It was so creative of me lol 😂
This is probably strange, but I kind of feel sorry for her. She was so real, and whatever happened to us, I got to wake up, but it was her ending. Not that it was real. But there is a lingering feeling that I got to be the lucky one who escaped because I get to be the real one, flesh and blood, who gets to wake up and continue being. Also, there was a hint of guilt because it’s my brain that created that world and that dire situation for that character. lol I should probably stop now before I sound batsh!t. 😂
Anyone want to share an interesting dream experience/recurring dream/insight on dreams or anything, go ahead! Or even just your most recent dream you can remember, if there’s one. I would love to read! Dreams are so interesting! I’m especially interested in how, like I said, these dreams are like all linked with an underlying thread and how in dream world, we can know things in a way we wouldn’t in reality. Like we just knew we weren’t getting out of that elevator, not in a negative thinking kind of way but true knowing.In reality if the elevator sped past the 14th floor, most people’s initial reaction would probably be confusion. Like WTF or what’s going on. Our initial reaction was knowing. Then panic.
I don’t mind these dreams/nightmares. They are not pleasant but are fascinating. I am more intrigued than disturbed.
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! And sweet dreams tonight lol 😆
💕🎄 I already posted this pic but am out of storage space so here it is again lol
Random introduction post! I have been seeing people posting things like this on social media and decided to be vain so here is mine! Fun facts about me:
1.) I am the biggest sap I know and the biggest hopeless romantic lol I love romantic comedies, love stories, love songs, couples/wedding/engagement photography, Hallmark Christmas movies, they give me all the feels 😆 I believe in love at first sight and true everlasting love lol Give me all the cheesy stuff and I’m good to go 2.) Nearly all the music I listen to each day is 50’s/60’s – Oldies has always been my favorite 3.) I walk 10+ hours a day, seven days a week, for work and for fun; I don’t recommend it because while it’s very fun and keeps me physically fit (not workout level fit but in good condition), I frequently get injuries because of overuse 4.) I have a naturally cheerful temperament but also have s*icidal depression that comes and goes, particularly when I don’t have close in person friends/enough socialization, I’m very social and need basic human companionship consistently. I can be good friends with someone who isn’t very social and comes and goes, but cannot have someone like that as my main or only friend, I need a consistent friendship with enough in person socialization, doesn’t have to be every day, but enough. I wouldn’t try making a friend like that change, just hope to find another who is more social like me 5.) I am very mild mannered and soft spoken and shy and reserved in social settings but still love being around lots of people 6.) People say I have the voice of a child, angel, mouse, Cyndi Lauper…lol I’m frequently told it’s comforting and soothing and have been told my voice should be used as an audio version for kids books. Occasionally strangers think I’m faking it as a joke at first 😂 7.) Some of my interests are: photography, especially night/city/architectural, glitch art, digital art, reborn/silicone babies/hyper realistic dolls(I don’t make them myself, just love them), reading (especially fiction thrillers/mysteries, apocalyptic, psychological, detective, legal, medical…but also like educational stuff), listening to music all day, walking, iced lattes, movies, especially horror and romantic comedies 8.) I am very quiet and calm and not a crier and not very reactive no matter what is happening. My boss says a bomb can be going off and I’ll just be standing there smiling saying oh it’s ok 😆 lol I had teachers throughout school who were concerned about this, but there is nothing wrong with me. It’s just my nature. I’m not emotionless at all, just calm. I have been told by clients that this puts their pets at ease (I’m a pet nanny) 9.) I’m very low maintenance, just give me all the love and hugs and call me pretty and we’re good 😊 10.) I’m very understanding of last minute canceled plans, unreturned texts, stuff like that, I don’t take it personally as long as a friendship isn’t one sided in general or it appears it’s only me someone does that to, people have whole full lives, I am just one part of it. 11.) Now for something not so pleasant. lol I am the biggest slob there is, not like consciously, just am, since I was little. I was told by elementary school teachers I had the worst desk of all the kids, my handbags are always a mess, my boss said he sees trash just hanging out of them, my mom and sister argue with me over it(I live with them), my sister said I have the bedroom of a 17 year old boy, lol pizza crust on my dresser, coffee or milkshake cups spilled over and left there, my bedroom can be on “Hoarders.” lol 😆 It’s the kind of slobbiness that could turn someone right off who is interested in dating me if they found out 😂 We all have to have some flaw though, right? It could be worse lol (not that the slobbiness could be worse, I could have a worse flaw 😆) 12.) Cold weather is my favorite, but I also love the beginning of Spring 13.) I love Christmas and am all decked out for it in Christmas leggings (these are Christmas leggings but may not look it) and other clothing, jewelry every year. I listen to Christmas music all season and like a little kid am joyful over anything Christmasy, even have an empty feeling the day after Christmas 14.) I am a fan of practical jokes, risque jokes, bathroom humor…and just laugh at everything, everyday, like full on bellylaughing. lol My boss says I’m a perv, and my mom & sister say I’m a pig and unladylike and “must have been a guy in another life.” 😂 I always got in trouble for laughing in school during class, and my mom has told me “No one likes a clown!” 15.) Another flaw, I’m not responsible, financially. I buy more expensive lattes than I should, but I never ever ask for or accept money off friends or anything like that. I would never let someone pay for me when we hang out unless we switch it up , I’m not a fan of people who take advantage of others or see people as opportunities 16.) I love kids but never wanted any of my own, not for any particular reason, just no calling for mom life (but I have always loved mommy blogs & jokes lol) Unlike what many assume, this doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing all about your kids, just don’t want my own. I love newborns especially. 17.) I have never been someone with big dreams or very goal/career/family oriented. I could be happy working at Starbucks and living with friends/roommates/pets for the rest of forever. lol I’m a simple girl. I used to see this as a flaw, but it’s just the way I am. My job now is my dream job and what I would do even if I did not need a pay. Only downfall is it’s not an adequate pay to live on my own, not underpaid, but it’s impossible to work enough hours as the traveling (which isn’t paid work) takes up most of the day, not the actual work 18.) Every year in December, since 2019, Amazon shows me my most listened to songs that year, and “Ice Ice Baby” has made it on every list since 2019. lol Who can get tired of it?
If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it. 😆
Who can’t use a bit of that motivation each day? 😁
Anyone here relate to any of this? Or are you the polar opposite? Lol Let me know!
Thank you for reading!! ❤️
Sending love & virtual hugs to all who want any. I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💕
These are my Halloween Instagram pics & captions I’m sharing here now 🖤🎃
I was Sister Sara for Halloween, always wanted to be her not just for Halloween but just for fun, to bring Alice Cooper’s character to life. 😁
Sister Sara 🖤
“Now I don’t know but I’ve been told There’s a nun having fun, and she lost her soul She got cash, she got laid Now she’s dealin’ with me, and she gonna get paid She got caught with the bishop Got caught with the abbot Even cardinal sin tried to feed her habit Now we get wh*res and pimps and skanks But when the judgement came down even he gave thanks” 🖤😂
Halloween costume inspired by Alice Cooper’s “Sister Sara.” (Lyrics above 😍)
That’s a stranger’s used & discarded cigarette in my mouth; I found it on the ground. Lol I tried ordering fake ones, but Amazon was d!cking around as usual and wouldn’t send them. So if I contract anything, it’s Amazon’s fault(my mom insists I’m going to lol I told her I was going to use a used cigarette with my costume, and she did not really believe it. I sent her this pic, and she responded “No f*cking way!”). 😆 I checked multiple stores in person and couldn’t find any. So I contemplated buying a real pack and taking one out and giving the rest to a homeless person. Then I decided I can just find one on the ground. 😆 I’m gross like that. Lol
I also found a bottle of Brandy on the ground that appears in one of my naughty nun pics. 😂
“Roll me up and smoke me when I die And if anyone don’t like it, just look ’em in the eye I didn’t come here, and I ain’t leavin’ So don’t sit around and cry Just roll me up and smoke me when I die.” 🖤
Sister Sara 🖤
“Whatever happened to me Can’t remember my name Flying so high on angelic wings Flew too close to the flame” 🖤
Sister Sara, so depraved 🖤🚬🎃
Gone Wiccan 😁
“You had every opportunity to call His name Don’t look surprised, don’t be in shock You’ll be a lovely little demon in my private stock I’m just doing my job to pull you down ‘Cause it’s a one way ticket down to Dragontown” 🖤
I found this cigarette & bottle of brandy on the ground outside. Lol 😆
This is my first Halloween costume as an adult! I was overjoyed like a little kid opening it. Lol 😆 I almost got butterflies. Adults should play and dress up more often! 😁🎃 👻🖤
If only I had a little bit more @$$, it may be a tad sexier. Lol
I loved dressing up! It brought out my inner child!
It’s so good for us adults to do stuff purely for fun or play!
What can you do to lighten up and summon that inner child?
Pretty in pink today! I’m all pink, I even have a pretty pink bra/panties/socks/nail polish(it’s chipped though lol)/mask….lol 💕
Ain’t nothin’ gonna to break my stride Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no I got to keep on moving Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride I’m running and I won’t touch ground Oh no, I got to keep on moving You’re on the road and now you pray it lasts The road behind was rocky But now you’re feeling cocky You look at me and you see your past Is that the reason why you’re runnin’ so fast? And she said Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no I got to keep on moving Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride I’m running and I won’t touch ground Oh no, I got to keep on moving 🖤
Trigger warning ⚠️: Mention of depression and s*icidal contemplation, may be disturbing or triggering to some, may be slightly graphic details
This post was meant for 11/28/2022 It’s after 12:00am now so the date changed.
Last night I had the STRANGEST dream/experience. Actually, early this morning. It was BIZARRE! I think it may have been mild/partial sleep paralysis, which happens sometimes when I’m depressed, ever since I was young. Usually my sleep paralysis when it does occur (which is not often and even less the older I get), is severe and extremely unpleasant. This wasn’t but was certainly strange. It was actually beautiful and inspiring and just so weird! Usually when I’m experiencing sleep paralysis, I try hard to get myself up and experience a sense of panic and being deeply disturbed and terrified. With this, I was accepting and not trying to force myself awake.
First I will mention for some context that I have a tooth infection that I have had for months now(I’m embarrassed to admit this but over half a year, actually). A few years ago, I cracked my tooth flossing(I have very soft teeth). A few years later (now), that break is infected. I work seven days, morning through evening, sometimes lighter weekends, and we are understaffed so I been doing home remedies and putting it off. My boss doesn’t want to lose clients, and I’m basically the only worker now. We have a few people helping out, but what they do is very limited. I’m a full worker. He said me taking off when we’re so busy would be disastrous for his business. So I been trying to hold off as long as I can. I warned him that it’s life threatening and I can succumb any day(he said ugh! I’ll lose so many clients! I can’t afford that! Just try to stay alive! 😆). Months ago my whole face was swelled up, and I was in agony. I got it under control and swelling down, but cannot get the infection gone. A couple nights I walked myself to an emergency room when it was flaring worse but decided nah I’m not sitting in there for 12 or more hours and don’t want to overwhelm our healthcare workers any more than they already are. Last thing they need is another dental patient running there when they have so many other patients needing them. I just can’t. So I left and got it under control again. One day, at the end of October, I woke up at 3:00am feeling as if it was spreading. I got out of bed and walked to an emergency room then decided I couldn’t stay because I was taking care of someone’s dog and couldn’t leave him alone so walked to cvs instead for some first aid stuff. It helped a bit. I thought I was dying that morning. I had pain & mild flu like symptoms (wasn’t this virus). I was a regular blood donor for years and haven’t been able to donate in so long because of this.
Recently I was very very sick, as sick as I have ever been in this life, and I seriously never get sick. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had to tell my boss I literally couldn’t work. This is unheard of. In the six years I worked here, I never ever took hours off for being sick. I did work that day, all day, but got too sick by the evening to do my evening work. I thought it was my infection making me sick, turns out, it was just some virus(I wear a mask and don’t go near anyone, don’t work with humans). But being sick like that showed me what can happen but worse if I succumb to my infection. I NEVER get sick like this and it was like seeing another side of myself I did not know. It was so uncharacteristic of me. I am healthy and energetic as can be, walking 10 and more hours a day. I never even get tired. I never just lay around in bed, I’m either out walking or dancing around my room blasting Oldies. My body feels so healthy it’s palpable, the feeling of health I experience each day. And I am very conscious of how healthy and full of endless energy I am/feel. Any physical sickness/cut/injury I get usually heals in a day and doesn’t take me down. This took me down for days. I couldn’t even stand, and I had to work, but had to keep stopping places to rest. So this was so so unusual and I was taken aback. It was like a wake up call. I don’t want to get sick like that but worse with sepsis, which untreated tooth infections lead to.
Also, I have been struggling with s*icidal depression off and on because of lack of close true friendships for a few years now. This gets me to not care as much about myself, feeling I’m not worthy and my own life doesn’t matter anyway. It’s not a philosophy I hold; it’s the depression. It triggers depression then depression tells me I’m a worthless loser with no friends and no purpose and no accomplishments in life…And it just weakens my will to survive. Recently, a fifteen/sixteen year friendship of mine that used to be close officially ended like Facebook unfriended ended lol That’s how we make it official these days. 😆 I went to unfriend him and lo & behold! He already unfriended me(so I went a step further and blocked his account 😆 good to know we still think alike!)! I guess it wasn’t very surprising. We have been drifting apart for years (on his part) and resentment was building for a while, on my part and apparently on his part too since he saw reason for unfriending. And we were inseparable for years. Even whenever he would get a new boyfriend, he wanted to spend every second with me. He would invite me on dates with them, even on their valentine’s day celebrations. We met at a dance and danced all night and that was it, we were bff’s. He even included me in family only events shortly after meeting each other. He came to visit me everyday during my psychiatric hospital stays for my depression. He became very unhappy with his own life through the years and began acting differently in unhealthy ways. Recently he began showing signs of a midlife crisis. He also has severe depression. I held out hope he would change and go back to being himself, but he wouldn’t. His behavior became toxic to me. It would trigger my depression or make it worse. This unfriending doesn’t help my depression, but I was already emotionally done with him (after so much turmoil over the loss of closeness through the years and having no other close friends – we had mutual friends, but we drifted apart too – we were mostly all friends through him, that’s the problem when one person holds a group together) so it’s not the biggest blow.
Depression makes me very physically ill and fatigued when it’s to a certain point, but I still feel a sense of ingrained physical health. I want to keep it this way.
I finally made a dentist appointment a while ago, but there was nothing available til around a month away. So I can’t get help til mid December. I have no dental insurance so found a place where they give us discounts if we’re poor lol The infection seems to have spread into my sinuses, and my nose has been gushing blood for days on the side the infection is on. But there isn’t a thing I can do about it. Dentists and hospitals are overwhelmed and backed up. So I’m just here waiting to get sepsis and die or for my healthy body to hold me over til mid December. I am extremely healthy. I have a wicked immune system. That’s why I’m still alive. I looked it up, and basically I should have been dead months ago. lol I decided to stop neglecting/abusing my body in certain ways I have been, I’m going to get it the help it needs. It’s strong and beautiful and carries me and keeps me alive. It kept me alive much longer than it should have. I’m going to pay it back with kindness and basic needs.
So this is what happened early this morning.
I woke up, and it was too early for work. So I rolled over and fell back asleep. What felt like only a few seconds later, I woke up standing in the bathroom in my house walking to the toilet to pee. lol I had this general confused feeling like how did I wake up standing in the bathroom. And who wakes up standing? Suddenly I peed my pants a little bit before making it to the toilet right in front of me. lol (I recently read a funny post by a mom who has incontinence after giving birth to three babies, and she peed when she laughed and yelled to her husband “I just peed my pants, this is mom life!” and he burst out laughing at her, and they fell over laughing hysterically together. lol She posted a picture of them laughing together. I thought this was funny and cute but was thinking no thanks I’m glad I never had kids! I don’t want to pee my pants whenever I laugh{and I laugh A LOT, like full on belly laughs}! Not that it’s the worst thing and is very common in assigned female at birth people, particularly those who give birth, but I would prefer not to lol I would be peeing all day!)
So then I sat on the toilet to pee the rest lol I was concerned about the incontinence thinking why would this suddenly happen, but even more concerned about the sleepwalking. I sleepwalked my way into the bathroom which made no sense. I never sleepwalk! I was thinking so is this going to keep happening now, the incontinence and the sleepwalking? The incontinence I can handle, but the sleepwalking just isn’t ok! I also noticed I was wearing blue jeans as I was pulling them down. I fell asleep in soft blue pj’s. I don’t sleep in uncomfortable clothes. So that was off. Did I get changed in my sleep too? I was still wearing my red pj shirt though. Just the soft pj pants turned to blue denim ones.
After peeing (can’t remember if I washed my hands or not – I would in reality though 😆), I was walking out of the bathroom back to my bed and collapsed to the floor in the bathroom doorway. Something was pulling me down so hard beyond my control. Half of my body was in the bathroom still and the other half (my upper half) was in the hallway. (The bathroom in my house is in my bedroom! no hallway! It wasn’t my actual house even though it was supposed to be, but I did not realize when it was happening! For real I live in one of those super small houses with only one bathroom that happens to be in a bedroom where everyone has to walk through that bedroom to get to the restroom, and it’s in my bedroom, my sister did not want everyone going in and out of her bedroom lol This house was large) I wondered why I was collapsing. It was happening in slow motion. I couldn’t stop it. Then I realized I was dying. At first I wondered if I was dying then it hit me that I was literally straight up dying right there half in the bathroom, half in the hallway. It was not painful, and I did not feel sickly at all, could just feel the life slowly draining out of me. I remember thinking so this is what it is to die. And it’s my turn here & now. I felt helpless, powerless, but not really in a negative way. I just wasn’t attaching a negative perspective to it like most probably would. It was a powerful feeling. Not pleasant but can’t say it was fully unpleasant, almost neutral but more on the unpleasant side if it were a scale that was slightly tipped to one side or the other. I was intrigued. As I lay there dying, I was racking my brain trying to understand why. It made no sense. I am so healthy, so energetic, so physically fit (not fit like I work out level fit, but physically active enough), how could this be??? There was some anxiety at the thought of dying since it was a new to me experience and there was some uncertainty about what it would be like.
But my curiosity was more prominent than my fear. And I had a faint feeling of this is too bad that I’m dying and felt like I may be on my way to experiencing full-blown fear, I felt panic potentially arising, but more so I had a feeling of it is what it is, if I have to go now, I do, but why?? My age isn’t quite old enough just yet for my body to shut down because of age. Then it hit me. Oh, sh!t, that’s right! The infection is finally taking me out. I thought of my mom and how she wouldn’t be happy as she has been begging me all year to get it treated now. She said f your job and get taken care of. lol She said she can’t believe someone can choose to go this long with an untreated infection. She keeps asking me aren’t you scared?! lol I’m not. She tried getting me to get antibiotics off family members who had them, but I do not take illicit drugs.
I felt something non physical leaving my physical body as I laid there on the bathroom floor. It was like two of me, the physical body I am so familiar with, and a “spirit” me (I don’t actually believe in a spirit that can leave a body, but this was my experience this morning) leaving it. Both were me but like two sides of a coin. I was laying there unable to move at all thinking this is it, I’m dying. The spirit me was slowly leaving. My consciousness still identified more with the physical body. So it was nerve wracking to be leaving it even though it was still aware and going with the spirit me. It was almost as if the consciousness was a thing of its own, independently, watching its physical self and its non physical self. But it had to go with the non physical aspect. There was some anxiety and unhappiness about the thought that I will never be here on Earth again, all my thoughts, interests, experience… gone forever. The anxiety was just at the thought that it’s an unknown to me experience, and the unhappiness was just like I guess I’ll miss out on all the things I love each day. But I told myself it’s beyond my control and has to happen sooner or later anyway. It has to happen to all of us, and I’m no exception; we all have a time to go, and this is mine. It has to happen someday so why not now? What’s the difference if it’s now or in twenty years or forty years or whatever?? Same thing either way. This may seem wise. But in my case, it’s my depressed view. When I’m not depressed I have clung to life if I ever thought I was dying. Kicking and screaming and clawing at whatever I could to stay on Earth (not that I was ever really dying but a few occasions I have thought so).
Then I had another thought, wait! Could I be sleeping and this is a dream and I’m not dying but waking up back into my reality? I wasn’t sure but strongly suspected that. I felt that it’s dream me who is “dying” as the dream world is ending, not actually me dying. In a sense, dream me was dying as that version of me was ending and would never be again. At this thought, I felt more relief than I was expecting as I did not realize how put off I was at the thought of dying. Consciously, I was mostly indifferent to it. (This happens when I’m depressed and depressed I was both in reality and this dream) But I guess I wanted to live more than I realized. I noticed when I am at my most depressed s*icidal points, I often have dreams about wanting desperately to live even though in reality it feels I don’t. When I am dangerously s*icidal, which is not often but recurring, it’s common for me to have dreams that someone is trying to k!ll me, and I am trying desperately to run and get away and live. I noticed it through the years when my s*icide contemplation is serious. In my dreams I want to live and would do anything to survive. My depression produces very life affirming dreams.
Something was happening I just couldn’t quite grasp. My physical body was getting heavier and heavier and couldn’t move as I lay there sprawled out on the floor. The spirit me left physical me completely. It turned a corner, half walking, half floating, if I remember correctly (I think it meant to float, but since I am so used to being physical and walking, it was trying to walk out of habit – the consciousness was me, it was my sense of self, it felt just like me so still had some earthly ways about it even though it was no longer restrained by a physical body) in the dark hallway and was going somewhere with a strong sense of purpose, like it had a mission to accomplish (in reality I have been feeling I have no purpose lately, but this aspect of inner me felt deep purpose, and it was a beautiful feeling. It wasn’t clear at first what that purpose was, just that there is one, later I discovered the purpose was to wake up and live). There was no fear, only a deep sense of trust. I felt whatever is happening is happening and is ok. If I die, that’s ok, if I live and wake up in my bed where I remember falling asleep, that’s ok too, even better. There was a hint of anxiety about what if I somehow get stuck in this state and can’t wake up and don’t die and I’m just here forever(sleep paralysis always does this to me). But I chose to be positive and not let my mind dwell there, mostly I felt trust in the journey. I could feel myself cheering myself on. I felt that I had this, a feeling of “You got this self, just keep going.” I remember me in the back of my own mind keep thinking that’s right just keep going…and feeling joy each step of the way. It warms my heart now and stirs love & fuzzies in me. ❤️
Suddenly, I felt a strong force pulling the spirit version of me. I couldn’t see it but felt it. It was pulling so hard, and I realized whatever was going to happen, this was it, this was the moment I was either going to die or wake up. I still wasn’t sure which but strongly suspected I was dreaming and going to wake up. I could not move by choice. Physical me on the floor was immobilized or dead. And spirit me was being dragged somewhere by an invisible force beyond my control and felt so heavy. And the real physical me in my bed, was also immobilized. None of us could move, and we were all so heavy. (very typical of sleep paralysis but unlike sleep paralysis, there was no sense of intense fear and dread hanging over me, and no general sense of evil, ingrained throughout the dream, only curiosity, joy, determination, and a slight sense of anxiety and uncertainty, but nothing I couldn’t handle)
I did not want to admit this here (I actually wrote this for FB but posting here also) or anywhere, but I have been secretly contemplating h*nging myself recently, like seriously. I even have a cord I got for the purpose and a remote place in mind where I entertain the idea of going one night soon and ending it all. It helps me tremendously while depressed to know I have a way out and the resources needed; it’s less of a trapped feeling. Before I really did not know how/where I can go. Then it all fell into place the more desperate I got. I thought about getting the cord and did, and my concern was where without anyone around. Then I accidentally just happened to come across the perfect place one day where there isn’t a lot of activity, especially at night and in the cold. It feels so liberating just to have this potential plan even when it’s inactive. It helps ease my mind so much!! When I’m not depressed at all and am my usual happy self, I know it’s not the best idea to have this cord & place lined up for when I decide to go because it makes it much more likely for me to act on it. When I’m depressed, I don’t realize I shouldn’t act on it. When it lifts, I realize how messed up it is. But even when I’m my usual happy self, I know how much it helps me in that desperate depressed state just to have a potential way out, not just in my mind like before, but actually have the physical things necessary whether or not I go through with it. It makes all the difference. The risk of acting on it is greatly elevated though. Happy self isn’t happy about that. lol I’m not in a major episode of depression like sometimes that lasts straight through for a month or more, but keep having recurring waves of it that get bad for a few days then lift a while then return. I have felt for a while that I have no reason to live, that no matter what I do, even when it has practical purpose, it doesn’t matter, has no deeper meaning. And I struggle to give meaning to it because of my sense of inherent worthlessness. This is when my depression is flaring.
My body has been so heavy with depression, and while I still experience joy and some degree of interest in things like photography and movies and books and my work and iced lattes, it’s washed out joy, it’s here but numbed out a bit. Sometimes my depression is so bad I cannot even really tatse anything. With deep deep pain, significantly reduced pleasure and interest in things, a body that is so heavy it’s hard to move, no close friends/social support… it’s like why go on?? I keep getting so depressed about no longer having in person friends. I am very social and my happiest and healthiest when I have friends. Research even shows that lack of close friends can physically and emotionally sicken people and lack of physical touch. I am happy and well in every other aspect of life, but this is enough to depress me off and on, sometimes frequently, and permeate all of life. It eventually lifts and I am very happy again(still feeling the lack of friendship though). But it keeps coming back because I need a friend. I have been starved for the love of a friend, and my body has been starved for a hug of a friend. I don’t even have an acquaintance anymore just to hang out with. No phone calls, no texts, no meetups, no invitations anywhere, no message just to say hello or send a funny meme to make each other laugh… literally nothing. Online friends are real friends/family, but it’s not the same and doesn’t make up for in person socialization for those of us who are social/extroverted. Animals are just as important and loved, but different, animal companionship doesn’t make up for lack of human companionship just like the other way around.
Anyway, I promised into the air that if I wake up in my body in my bed, if this could just be a dream, if I’m not dying, I would try to stop giving into my depression, will get my infection treated, and try to stay alive and keep leaning into the joys all around me. That I would keep going. The spirit me was propelled then lifted into the air, up towards the ceiling. I was flying up up up beyond my control being pulled into the unknown then suddenly ripped back down and was falling falling falling so fast at lightening speed with such joy because I knew, I knew then I was alive and waking up. I knew I would find home in my own body. And dream spirit me crashed back into my body, my real body in my bed in my real house with the restroom in my room, not dream me body laying dead on that floor in that strange bathroom and hallway that isn’t mine, but the me who laid in bed, my actual bed. The real me woke with a jolt. It literally truly felt that something crashed off the ceiling into my body, giving me life. I watched and experienced in awe. Two aspects of me merging into one, making me whole, giving me life. That immobilized body in my bed could move again. I woke with a start and a smile. I was back in my soft blue comfy pj pants. The heaviness of my depression was mostly gone, and I felt immense joy, like I can go on. I fell asleep heavily depressed last night. This morning I was layers and layers lighter with a renewed will to live. I still felt the aftermath of being in a deep depression recently. When a depression lifts, if it was very severe, I may still feel some aspects of it lingering for a day or couple days, like the heaviness or a fog or some lingering self deprecating thoughts…, kind of like if you’re just getting over the flu or other physical illness and aren’t really sick anymore but still feel a vestige or hint or effects of it.
The thing that is so strange is how physical it felt. How it truly felt like a spirit or mind or something literally crashed into my body giving me life, waking me. It was so amazing!
I don’t believe in spirits or anything. I know it was my own mind making it all up. And we can dream something is touching us and wake up feeling as if it was real. I believe it was sleep paralysis. I have psychotic depression and have been hospitalized a couple occasions for it many years ago. It’s been acting up again The doctors said I had psychomotor impairment years ago because of severe depression, which can seem like sleep paralysis if we dream or hallucinate/have delusions with it. But I think it was sleep paralysis. It was still early so I fell back asleep. I had another strange dream. lol I woke up in that dream but woke up into another dream instead of reality and remembered the sleep paralysis dream I just had! So I remembered a real dream within another dream that was within a dream. I don’t know if anyone can follow that but anyway, don’t know what was going on with me last night, sounds like I was on acid or something but promise I wasn’t. 😆
I take no medication or drugs for anything currently. Will be needing antibiotics soon, and sometimes I take over the counter cold meds. That’s about it.
We don’t have to believe in spirits/evil/supernatural…to experience fear of it or believe it/feel it within the context of sleep paralysis. No matter how skeptic/atheist we are in reality, when sleep paralysis takes over and that feeling of evil is all around and we “sense” demons and stuff like that, our skepticism/atheism/logic/reason/non belief can be suspended while we are in that state, and we can feel that we are being taken by evil or a demon or taken to another dimension. Upon waking, we realize it was just a dream/sleep paralysis/night terror… whatever it was. Some people who believe in the supernatural wake up and believe they just had a terrible spiritual experience. A skeptic or atheist, like me, will not believe it during wakefulness. I don’t even necessarily believe it when it’s happening, but that does not make it any less real seeming or terrifying. But this one wasn’t terrifying.
It was a positive and enlightening and inspiring experience. I believe it was my unconscious mind sending me a message. My self sending a self love note, to keep going. I think it’s so funny that it involved a toilet and peeing. lol It’s just like me to bring humor into something and I’m immature like that and think bathroom stuff is funny 🤣 💩
The thing about this dream that was also so unusual is how my reality was incorporated into the dream and dream incorporated into my reality. In the dream I remembered just rolling over in my bed and was wondering how suddenly I got into the bathroom. And as I was walking out of the bathroom before collapsing, I was on my way back to my bed that I was just in. And my dream was incorporated into my wakefulness. The dream spirit me crashing into real me as I was waking into my reality. Like, dream state and wake state clashed, making it so bizarre and interesting. I’m sure there is scientific explanation; I think I read about it before, like when something happens during a certain stage of sleep. Maybe I wasn’t asleep enough and began to dream so wake reality and sleeping dream collided and merged, becoming a very intense, strange experience. I like it! I wouldn’t want it to keep happening or happen often though because it was too intense and engaging and wasn’t peaceful. I wouldn’t get enough rest. And there was anxiety involved. A little bit is ok, but I don’t need anxiety in my dreams every night.
And this seems like it could be a fun short movie clip if any artist out there wants to turn it into some kind of film, let me know! lol 😆 I must say, I’m quite creative while I sleep! 😴 💤 lolz
If anyone is reading and has any interesting sleep/dream/spiritual stories you have experienced, please share!! And if you want to analyze my experience and/or provide any insight, scientific or other, be my guest! I’m not interested in supernatural explanations as I don’t believe in that stuff.
💋😘❤️
And these pictures are me this morning after I truly woke up once and for all into real reality.lol
Thankfully I wasn’t actually peeing as I was dream peeing 😂
Also, I totally forgot in October to post my Halloween costume here! I will post it soon! Sexy/naughty nuns are in style all year anyway. 🖤😆
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤️ sending virtual hugs to anyone who wants.
Lol For my August post, I’m sharing this social media post of mine a couple weeks ago. 😆
Content warning: tasteless humor 😆
My mom was walking by me in the kitchen and I began singing “My balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right; it’s my belief that my big balls should be held every night.”
And my mom yelled “Omg, that’s just godawful!!” 😂😭
I knew she would have some reaction like that.
She’s a prude lol
The reason I thought to sing this is, I was recently out walking in extra skintight leggins’ (I looked really good in them, I must say! So I wore them two days in a row, and that was a mistake!) in the heat, and the heat and friction gave me very painful welt things on my inner thighs, and they were so big they felt like they were hanging and reminded me of balls hanging. LoL Neosporin took care of it.
It reminded me of one day when my little sister was in middle school, many years ago, and for a homework assignment, she had to choose a song to write about, and my mom asked if I had any ideas, and I said yeah and said she should use the song popularly known as “Discovery Channel,” now called “The Bad Touch.” Discovery Channel doesn’t sound all that bad, does it? My mom said ok and asked to hear the lyrics and I began singing “Put your hands down my pants and I’ll bet you’ll feel nuts.” My mom was horrified and yelled “Get the hell out of here!!”
I have been called a pig/perv/unladylike…and told “You should have been a guy/must have been a guy in another life” because of my sense of humor. LoL
(this picture has no filter {just a blurry background} lol I’m really this orange because of the sun. I work outside. I did increase the saturation a bit to try to showcase the green of my new lingerie top because it looks a bit black in the photo{I have a black set too!}, so it made me appear even more orange 🍊)
😆😆😆
Good day or night wherever in the world you are! 😁
This photo above is my glitch art. I made it myself. It’s created with a tool called pixel sorting or processing.
I wrote this around 15 years ago. My phone crashed, and I lost most of my writing. But this one survived.Losing years and years of my work was devastating. It triggered a depressive episode. After the depressive episode ended, I still couldn’t bring myself to think about writing new stuff after all the old stuff got lost. I have written more recent stuff after a while. It wasn’t necessarily good, and wasn’t for publishing or anything, but it was work I was happy to have for myself, things inspired by my real experiences.
This poem is one of the very few surviving old ones.
This poem is called Amber.
Amber
I hear her loud screams Through the night As the walls shake To the sound That reverberates Through severed veins Managed to be sewn Back together After fountains of scarlet Pouring out Like red wine Tainting everything it touches
My room is almost empty The girl who was beside me Night after night Has been taken away Her clothes and things Packed up and moved To another place Her arms and legs Now in thick metal shackles To match the invisible ones Chaining her To some secret hell No one else can touch
Now I am left alone With Amber’s psychotic Ramblings And violent screams That echo through me Like broken galaxies Lost in the endless darkness Of space They stick needles into her arms While she protests Violently kicking and thrashing Convulsing She is dragged to the quiet room Just across the hall Where she is alone And drifts into a deep, dark sleep But not for long Soon enough She is awake With her hysterical sobs And her dark fears The voices scream at her Inside her head I hear them too I can feel them pulsing Through my own body Malicious Demanding Persecuting As I sit on the edge of my bed And stare up at the white ceiling And blank walls Wondering How this place got so large It seems to expand before my eyes Limitless spaciousness The vastness is almost unbearable Making me dizzy As the voices grow louder More threatening As they bounce off the walls And back But they all pretend they can’t hear All they hear are her agonized screams Through the night That pound through my head Her dark hair Messy and scraggly Her eyes filled With dark horror As she claws at her own face
Somewhere I know There is a girl Deep within her Buried Beneath layers and layers Of pain, despair, fear And screaming voices A girl who needs and yearns And loves But the strange voices Drown out her own voice Quiet it Until it almost seems not to exist But I feel her Deep within me Her light Dim and flickering But still present The doctors and nurses And the technicians Come into my room Again and again Telling me to turn off the light Get to sleep To forget about Amber But the voices Won’t let me sleep Amber’s voices Clash with my own And become a choir Of haunting screams Something deep within me Implodes Like empty rooms With walls Closing in Suddenly, this place Isn’t so large anymore It’s small and stuffy Claustrophobic My walls close in And my breath quickens Along with my pulse Fear paralyzes me And I can’t scream But her screams Still blast through me Like the moon exploding In a dark sky And I get cut On the hot celestial shards My skin bleeds And my heart pounds And I am dragged away Into a deep, dark place Where there is nothing But loud Agonizing Screams And voices That never sleep Echoing all Throughout a night That never seems to end
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
If you have any creative writing of your own you would like to share in the comments, be my guest! 😁
This is me in March 2020. I was super super happy (I’m happy in general when my depression isn’t flaring but sometimes I am in an especially joyful mood and was here 😁). You can see it all over my face! LoL
Anyway, here is my current list of Happy!
1.) My job! It’s very fulfilling and fun and joyful! I’m a pet nanny! 🐾😻🐶
2.) Iced green tea 🍵 matcha lattes! I love them and have been drinking them everyday. 💚
3.) My body/health. It’s beautiful and energetic and holds me well. It allows me to do everything I want to do and recovers so quickly. I rarely get sick and when I get cut, my cuts heal super quickly. When I contracted the plague in 2020, I never even knew it because I never got sick! (I did thoroughly lose my taste/smell for two months, thought I had nerve damage) I only found out donating blood! The Red Cross told me I have the antibodies. I have a wicked immune system.I’m not thankful for not getting sick then (I was out in public walking around not knowing, though did not go near anyone and always had a mask on) butjust goes to show how great my body is.
4.) My photography/glitch art hobby – It brings me joy and I’m good at it!
5.) My online friends! ❤️ Sometimes online friends are better than the in person ones(not that I currently have in person friends but hope to soon!).
6.) Movies! I love horror and comedies and especially love falling asleep watching horror ones!
7.) Acts of kindness 💜
8.) Philadelphia – My true love 💙 I just love walking its streets all day & night. 🌆 🏙️
9.) Oldies music! ❤️ The main music I listen to!
10.) My ability to experience compassion and sadness for others no matter how old it gets. I keep seeing people seeing they are too numbed by the violence all around us to care anymore. Sometimes that happens to me when I am severely depressed and especially when also extremely overworked along with it. Depression can burn out all our emotions when it’s extremely severe (it’s nothing at all to do with being a bad or uncaring person, can happen to anyone) but in general I can experience compassion and empathy and sadness and happiness for others.
11.) The birdsong on Spring & Summer nights. I can hear it now! 💕 Beautiful!
12.)That beautiful tender loving feeling when a depressive episode or wave is gradually lifting.I have always said that it’s almost worth it to be so sick because the feeling of it lifting is so beautiful and amazing. And I don’t use the word “amazing” loosely. ❤️
I hopeyou are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are and remember to look for the good even in the darkness. 🖤
This is an Instagram post of mine I’m sharing here!
“Spring offers us an intimate experience of paradox. Colorful new growth emerges to inspire us, seeming to flourish only in conditions which we begrudge: pummeling rain, persistently cool temps, buffeting winds. Our longing for relentless sunshine and warmth would abbreviate the glory of spring to a mere few days, not the season of slowly unfurling beauty we love to savor.
Life is predictably unpredictable, yet assuredly filled with what we will welcome and what we will shun. And it is in this mix of conditions and great mystery that we are made wiser, whole, and who we are. It is in both the roadblocks and open road. The storms and the clear skies. The moments we suffer and survive, and the moments we sparkle.” (Gratefulness.org)
This picture looks so Wintery. I’m walking around trying to get Springy pics and Spring them up even more, increasing the warmth and looking for filters that play up the summery/spring vibes but there are so so many bare trees around still and an unseasonably grey chill in the air each day. I took this picture today and it has strong Winter vibes. I was trying to think of how I can make it look more like Spring then came to the conclusion that it can’t be done; it is what it is and decided to roll with it and exaggerate the Winter vibes instead, deceasing the warmth and increasing the tint and going easy on the saturation so the blue stays a bit on the duller side instead of the bright blue of Spring/Summer. So here it is! Spring, just like life itself, is a beautiful mix of a little bit of everything, grey and color, hot, cold, beautiful, painful, snow, rain and shine…
It’s Spring where I am! I hope you are having a beautiful day wherever in the world you are! 🌸🌻🌼
This is a picture I made. It’s a pic of a real cemetery near where I live and I edited it to make it extra creepy. Those are real cemetery stones! It was taken in the daylight and I made it look like night. The apparitions are not real. 🤣
There’s a novel called, “Terminus,” about an angel who falls in love with a human, which is forbidden, according to the spiritual world. He would have to give up being an angel and become human to stay with her, which they don’t encourage in his realm. He meets her in an operating room when her little girl dies on the operating table. He knows the child is going to die and has to show up just before, to escort her soul to the afterlife when it leaves her body. No one in the operating room can see him or knows he’s there except the little girl after her body dies. He stands there as the doctors are working to keep her alive. He sees the crying woman at her daughter’s side and falls in love with her instantly. This is what he thinks when he sees the woman:
“The auburn hair falling over emerald eyes shimmering with tears made her look achingly beautiful.”
He makes the mistake of touching her(it’s a loving, spiritual thing, not a pervy thing lol). She doesn’t understand exactly what happened but she’s suddenly & momentarily filled with joy at the touch of an angel. Then later she meets him again in his human form when she’s s*icidal and recognizes him even though she did not see him in that operating room. The love story is only part of the whole book; it’s a mystery thriller where a few people’s lives are all connected somehow and something big & bad is going to happen if the angel doesn’t stop it. The angel doesn’t know what is going to happen, just that something is, and the woman he’s in love with is meant to die for the greater good but he doesn’t want her to and instead of aiding in her death like he’s meant to, he keeps intervening and saving her life, which is against the rules in his spiritual realm.
Anyway, I want to share a scene in the book I love!
Matthew is a little boy and Riley is his puppy. His puppy gets hit by a car and is dying and the angel, Nick, witnesses and heals the puppy instantly, even though he’s not really allowed. Angels have healing power but are only allowed to use it under certain circumstances. The angel, Nikolai or Nick, is very human-like.
“Matthew fell to his knees, crying. Riley had been hit and was gasping her final breaths—something Nick was all too familiar with. Matthew looked at his puppy, his face all tears and dirt and heart-wrenching despair. ‘I’m sorry, Riley! This is all my fault!’
‘It’s not, Matthew. Not your—’
‘I let her out without me. Oh, Riley…Riley, please don’t die!’ He turned back to Nick. ‘I messed up—I always mess up! That’s why Mommy and Daddy don’t want me.’
‘That’s not true!’
Nick made up his mind. The laws about unassigned healings couldn’t be so inane as to apply to animals. And if they did, he didn’t care. He knelt down and placed his hands around Riley’s head. His entire body tingled with a pulsating light that started from his heart and radiated to his fingertips, which glowed as he pressed them gently against the puppy’s furry brow. He shut his eyes. Connected with Riley’s soul. It surprised him, how deep was the love a puppy felt for her master, how intense the memories. But there they were, strong as any human’s if not stronger. He had to take care not to send too much light into so young a puppy. A tear slid down Nick’s cheek. Joy and sadness.
‘Get up, Riley,’ he whispered. The light left him. The puppy’s breathing returned to normal, and she lifted her head.
‘Riley?’ Matthew’s face was alight with joy and wonder. ‘Riley!’ She rolled to her feet and let out a happy bark. Tail wagging furiously, she leapt into Matthew’s arms and proceeded to bathe his face with puppy kisses. Matthew finally managed to lower her enough to look up at Nick.
‘Wow, mister! That was awesome!’
‘Be careful crossing the street, okay?’ ‘Thanks for fixing up Riley. She’s good as new.'” ❤️
