Tag Archive | light

Living for the simple moments {beauty all around}

“Underneath your blackest emotions,
far above your brightest wishes,
stands a world for you to hold” ~Samael

I was watching videos about children who suffer with severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia. It’s currently incurable and is a lifelong struggle for them. They suffer immensely and so do their families and those close to them who do the best they can to cope and help them cope.
They suffer hallucinations and delusions, some pleasant and some not pleasant.
They talk to things no one else can see.
Unlike some children, these aren’t imaginary friends playfully made up for fun, they are hallucinations the brain makes up as a result of an imbalance in its chemistry. It doesn’t function the way most people’s brains function. They literally see, hear, feel things that aren’t there for everyone else and often, they believe they’re real. And to them they are very real.

You can tell a hallucinating person that what that person is seeing, hearing, or feeling isn’t really there and it’s possible the person will know it’s not really there but that knowledge will not make the hallucinations any less real.

That can be an additional stress on someone. Knowing what the person is seeing, hearing, feeling isn’t really there but not being able to make it go away, even feeling the need to respond to certain hallucinations knowing they’re not really there. It can be so frustrating.

Sometimes their mental illnesses provoke some of them to act violently against other people not because they’re bad people but because their brains don’t function properly. Not everyone with a mental illness is violent as a result but some can be. Most aren’t.
In other ways they can be just like other little kids. They like to play, go outside, run around, swing, laugh….

People with mental illnesses, children and adults alike, are a whole person underneath, a person separate than the illness. But sometimes the sickness seems to take over.

It’s a heartbreaking struggle.

One of the most inspiring parts of one of the videos I watched is when a little girl’s dad said he has only two hopes for his little girl. One that she stays alive and two that moments of happiness will always find her throughout her days even when most parts of her days are an agonizing battle, he hopes she will always find something to be happy about in the midst of her pain and struggle.

This can be viewed in a more negative light like that it’s too bad that all someone has is little moments throughout the day because everything else is just so bad.
Or it can be viewed in a positive light that there are always moments we can embrace to be inspired and joyful, single moments scattered throughout each day that we have, to seize and hold on for. No matter how much pain we’re in.

It’s a beautiful coping mechanism. Mental illness and physical illness is heartbreaking and devastating but as long as we stay alive and hold onto any little bit of happiness or joy or anything that can make us smile or giggle about, we can make it.

We can’t always hope to be cured or to be generally recovered or to go in remission right now. We can’t always hope that pain will end right now. Some things just won’t be cured and some people will have to struggle most days or everyday just to survive and do basic things. Some people will have severe flare ups every now and again, of an illness physical or emotional that will feel near impossible to cope with.
And even temporary pain or struggles that we know will end eventually, can just seem so overwhelming, so absolutely unbearable.

But as long as we live and can find those glimpses of magic hidden in the midst of the pain and darkness, we can have something to hold, something to hope for, something that encourages us to keep going, to get out of bed, to move.

The reflection of the sun on windows and signs and water, the blueness of the sky, white fluffy clouds, a steaming cup of hot tea, a funny movie, the depth of inspiration a beautiful song can bring us, a poem, friends, family, animals, photography, books, the vibrant colors all around, random acts of kindness, strangers, hot fudge sundaes, peanut butter, the gentle flapping of butterfly wings, helping someone, funny jokes….whatever touches you in a deep place.

These things, the simple beauty all around, are always beautiful no matter what our situation is but for some people with certain illnesses or disabilities or in certain situations, they are all we have at the moment. Just moments of simple beauty and joys. Sometimes it’s really all we can hope for, to have solitary moments of joy or happiness or some small sense of pleasure in the midst of our darkness.

And it can be enough.

I know this because when my depression would be flaring up for hours, days, weeks, months, whether it’s a full blown episode or just some symptoms, here and there, sometimes all I could do to stay alive, to find the motivation, the inspiration, the courage, and strength to carry on, was grasp onto all the single happy or joyous moments throughout every day of my darkness & despair. Focus on the goodness that still does exist until it would end and I would be happy again. I had this since 13 years old.

Having depression or any mental illness or pain can feel like a different world than where everyone else is. It’s like another place, another time, another world. To know we have this dark place we can slip into.
To have random suicidal thoughts and urges and depression that can appear suddenly for seemingly no reason.

People say there’s no such thing as “normal.”
And that it’s good to be different and “crazy” and unique.
But in some cases there really is such a thing as “normal.” People who always want to live, those who don’t have to battle random or frequent suicidal urges, ones who don’t have unpleasant images and thoughts flashing across their brains, people who don’t have their whole body crushed in an invisible heaviness where they can’t even stand up straight, ones without panic attacks and flashbacks and frequent anxiety, food obsessions, seriously disordered eating habits ….(i don’t have anxiety or panic attacks or body image issues/eating disorders and never have but many, many people do and it’s a serious problem that is very painful for them)
This is normal to not have all this.
And for people who have any of it, it can be a difficult struggle to try to be regular.
I know people without health conditions like this may not be “normal” in other ways but in this context they are.
And it’s not good to try to force ourselves to be society’s or someone else’s idea of normal while not being true to ourselves.
But that’s not what I’m talking about here.
Yes it’s good to be “unique” but not when unique means battling violent urges to take myself out for days/weeks/months.
And “crazy” is good when it’s all fun and games and playing, acting funny and silly but it’s not good when “crazy” is a true illness.
It’s not always easy to handle and it provokes pain in me, even when I’m not depressed sometimes. Just thinking about it.
Not always. For the most part I feel and am normal. But it can be a struggle sometimes when depression flares up.

The psychological consequences of having these condition, and for some, even when they are not currently acting up, are profound and may have to find ways to cope with the pain and struggles and the very fact of having them when they are someone with a mental disorder. I don’t mind and can handle it.

I know I’m not a victim. That’s why I’m posting this, because I have found a way to be empowered and I hope it helps someone else. This life is still a sweet blessing. Just because we have bad things and painful things happen to us, doesn’t mean we are victims.

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.” ~Jawaharlal Nehru

I’m alive. And as long as that remains true, there is hope. Even when I can’t feel it.

Sometimes the simple things are lifesavers, crucial parts of my coping mechanisms.
They are all there is.

I honor all the brave families and other people for sharing their stories, for sharing their pain and struggles with the world. Mental illness, medication, mental illness in children, specific ways of coping, treatment…are all very controversial. People disagree on the nature of some illnesses, whether or not they really exist, if certain treatments are ethical, the way people handle these illnesses and so much more. Anyone who shares a story like this that reaches a large audience, on blogs, YouTube, tv…, is bound to receive criticism of all kinds, some intended to be constructive, other critics intending to be malicious and inflict pain or anger upon those sharing their story.
There will always be loving supporters and those who just want to hurt.
Anyone who shares their story is brave and strong and deserves love and compassion whether or not we agree with everything they do or say or believe.
The people who share their pain with the world do the best they can the best they know how.
No one chooses to be mentally ill. We have to take the life we were gifted with, healthy or not, and do the best we can with it, bloom where we’re planted, create a firm, strong foundation with everything we know, everything we experience, everything that is thrown at us.

“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it.” ~Anne De Lenclos

Mental illness, pain, being suicidal…none of these are choices but acting on them is often a choice. Acting negatively or acting positively. Giving in and giving up or finding it in us to keep going with everything we have. We have the choice to do something to better ourselves, to hold on, to inspire, bring hope, consolation, encouragement, and understanding to others.

When I am depressed, I choose to hold on, to keep going, to inspire myself and anyone else I can along the way.

And I hope you will always do the same whatever your situation is. And if you need reminders every now and again, look for them. Take photos of happy things, write positive quotes and affirmations in a book so you can always look at them when you need inspiration, always remember words, books, things that have helped you and let them continue to help you. Remember an occasion when you were happy and filled with joy and hope and full of life and know you have it in you to feel that way again. If you can’t remember when you last felt that way, then know there’s always hope as long as you’re alive. The world is full of pain but it’s also full of hope, healing, happiness, love, and possibility. Endless possibilities.

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” (Mayor Pappas, “City Hall” movie quote)

Xoxo Kim

The Beauty that Stalks the Darkness

Jun22

“Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it.”

I saw this quote today, attributed to Buddha. What a gem! It’s so true! This is a habit that can be developed. It may not always come so easily but it can be developed and ingrained deep into our brains. Every experience, pleasant, unpleasant, neural, trivial seeming, fun and light, can teach us something! There’s a little spark hidden somewhere in each of our experiences, that can be ignited to enlighten us, teach us a lesson, strength, wisdom, greater empathy and understanding for others, and inspire us.

There is potential for some kind of growth in every occasion.

Maybe you’ll learn who you want to be or don’t want to be, how strong you really are, ways to teach or help others….maybe you’ll learn something you can’t really put into words, just a feeling of deep knowing, true enlightenment. The lessons and wisdom and things we learn and come to know won’t be the same for all of us. Only you can really know what your experiences are capable of teaching you and how receptive or in tune you can be to the messages. Some people can help guide you along the way but it’s ultimately up to you to pay close attention.

It’s helpful, while experiencing an unpleasant or difficult situation of any sort, or even a pleasant, positive one, to stop in the midst of it and think “What is this teaching me? What skills or wisdom or knowledge am I being equipped with by experiencing this?” It may not come to you right away, maybe not even until the situation is long over. But it’s great to ask yourself those questions. It will get your brain in gear and directed at finding answers.

Sometimes your only lesson may just be developing deeper compassion to help others later in a similar situation or inspiring others by sharing what you have come to know. And that’s beautiful!

Your situation can even just be reading a book or a poem or mindfully listening to a song. It can be wildly entertaining and fun but underneath there’s always some beautiful lesson to be learned.

I think this is what it means to “live life to the fullest.” You know that old cliche, right?!

When I think of that I often think of people skydiving, partying it up, traveling the world, bungee jumping and shit but “living life to the fullest” is another thing that’s different for each person. To some people that stuff is boring and “living life to the fullest” is sitting on a sofa every night watching funny TV shows. And that’s great too as long as you’re getting the most out of your own life and not interfering with others.

To me, living to the fullest, is being in tune with the life all around me, living in the moment, seeing what it’s teaching me, savoring the splendor I am blessed to experience.

It’s truly being alive and active “listening” to life, not just mindlessly floating through each day.

Everyday I keep myself in tune to the wisdom all around and within me, I try to learn as much as I can and I meditate upon it and write about it and share with anyone who wants to know about it! I find wisdom and beauty in books, poetry, songs, blogs, essays, and everywhere.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. I found love today in my backyard with my dogs:

;-D

The Power of a Woman

Apr8

“The Power of a Woman comes not from the strength of her body or the shrewdness of her resolve, but in the beauty of her heart, her mind, and her soul. A simple look can brighten the darkest hour. Her touch can warm the coldest of days. Her smile can intoxicate you. Her words can give wealth that the richest man would covet.” ~ Troy White

Light of the World Award

Mar29

http://shethp.wordpress.com/2014/03/27/light-of-the-world-award/

I’m so very honored to have been nominated by Sheth (http://shethp.wordpress.com/) for the Light of the World award!!!

How amazing!!! Thank You so much, Sheth for your kindness and nominating me and for reading my content! And also for shining your light on the world!

So, the rules are:

1. Thank the person who nominates you.

2. Honor the bloggers who spread life, love, hope , and peace in the name of all people.

3. Let your nominees know of their nomination.

4. Never give-up encouraging people and speaking truth.

I have many favorite blogs and ones I read frequently!! So I won’t be listing them all here since it’s like an endless amount! But I have chosen a number of them to list!

Here they are!

Eliza Waters

http://elizawaters.wordpress.com/about/

K Clips

http://383g.wordpress.com/about/

Finding My Inner Courage

http://findingmyinnercourage.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/leap-from-chronic-pain-darkness-2/

Give Yourself Away Today

http://gyatoday.wordpress.com/

Simple Pleasures – Visual Poetry

http://lesplaisirssimplesdelavie.wordpress.com/

Etsuchan

http://etsuchan.wordpress.com/

Everything in about 200 words

http://about200words.wordpress.com/

A window of wisdom

http://awindowofwisdom.wordpress.com/

5 kids with disabilities

http://5kidswdisabilities.com/

Students with birds

http://studentswithbirds.wordpress.com/

Eye For Life

http://eyeforlife.com/

Words Like Silk

http://wordslikesilk.com/

Illicit By Nature

http://illicitbynature.com/my-story/

Bucket List Publications

http://bucketlistpublications.org/

That Indian Minimalist

http://thatindianminimalist.wordpress.com/

All of these people make the world a much better place with their blogs and writing/photos! They have so much depth, wisdom, and beauty that shines through the screen. They are extremely inspirational and full of light & life. I hope you check out every single one of them as well as Sheth’s blog:

http://shethp.wordpress.com/

I’m so thankful to be nominated for the award and to have come across all of these blogs and the many more I love, as well as all the ones I will stumble upon in the future! Thank You!!

Xoxo Kim

Sunshine :-D

Jan7

“My dear,
In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.
Truly yours,
Albert Camus “

Hello Sweethearts!!!

Today is an extremely cold day, here in Philadelphia, PA, USA and many other places. I heard that in some places it’s the coldest day in 102 years! :-O
I love cold weather. I love all the four Seasons and when they’re in the process of changing. But I keep thinking of all the people who don’t love cold weather, ones who are at a disadvantage when the temps drop dramatically. There are people who are devastated and in mortal danger when the weather is severely cold and bitter.
People and animals who live outside, people who struggle with certain mood disorders that exacerbate or appear throughout cold weather, ones with pain disorders which flare up in the cold…and just people who outright loathe cold weather like this.
I hope all of the homeless people are off the streets now and that everyone stays safely warm during this extreme coldness. I hope that everyone will find the strength & comfort needed to endure any pain that may be going on.

And if you need a little extra sunshine today, I would love to send you some! :-D. And if you can, I hope you will send it along to someone else who may need it!
Here are some lovely quotes for you! 🙂

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.

John Ruskin

“Love, whether newly born, or aroused from a deathlike slumber, must always create sunshine, filling the heart so full of radiance, thAt it overflows upon the outward world.”
Nathaniel Hawthorne

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says “Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”
Lewis Carroll

Spring passes and one remembers one’s innocence.
Summer passes and one remembers one’s exuberance.
Autumn passes and one remembers one’s reverence.
Winter passes and one remembers one’s perseverance.
Yoko Ono

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”

[Meditations Divine and Moral]
Anne Bradstreet

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

And

Remember, if there’s no stars or sun, shine your own light on the world!

Here’s a tip I read for staying warm:

Whenever coming inside from the freezing outdoors, remember to shiver and say “brrr.”

Lol I read it on “The Onion” silly newspaper. ;-p

Laughter, here, there, & everywhere ;-p

Dec15

“If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.” ~ Jimmy Buffett

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Mark Twain

Laughter & amusement have always come so easily to me. Ever since I was a little girl, I laugh so much at everything because I’m genuinely amused. I find dumb jokes hilarious & laughing is the thing that got me in trouble the most in school because I laughed at other kids being bad.

I laugh a lot when I’m by myself also. I love my own company.
I love being around lots of people but don’t mind being alone every once in a while.

I remember random things that happened years ago, like when I fell in someone’s throw up in fourth grade in the coat room at the end of the school day and my mom was so disgusted and had to wash all my stuff, and I burst out laughing. I find the same jokes & movies & memories hilarious, over and over.

And I’m not just talking about a little chuckle! I’m talking about full blown belly laughs that hurt and just won’t end.

It’s a true gift. But it does get me into trouble when I laugh in inappropriate situations.

Bittersweet.

When I saw the movie “What Happens in Vegas” in the theatre I laughed so hard, so long that I literally believed I was going insane. Lol. And it did not help that back then I just got out of a mental hospital right before seeing the movie! I thought I was losing it…..again! lmao

But it was a very healing experience.

When I saw the movie “American Reunion” in the theatre with my friend, everyone was laughing at some scenes and I was the one laughing long after everyone else stopped. Uncontrollably. Embarrassing. Lol

I can even be genuinely amused at things when I’m unhappy and even sometimes very depressed. There’s something so healing about laughing and being amused. It brings me so much hope.

Not only does it feel amazing, it’s just the fact that knowing that I can still laugh that deeply and be genuinely amused even in the midst of chaos and pain.

It’s a feeling that everything really is ok. It’s hope and healing & happiness.

I laugh almost everyday at something silly.

I think many people don’t laugh enough. And not because they aren’t the kind of people who love to laugh, not because they need to lighten up. I think they don’t have the opportunities coming to them as naturally as I do. I don’t know most people but I’m fairly certain that most people aren’t as easily amused as I am over every little stupid thing.

In fact, I can be quite annoying sometimes with my amusement when others just can’t see what I’m so amused about.

My playful, joking personality often clashes with my little sister’s more reserved/mature personality. My mom & sister say I joke too much and too immaturely.

But that’s just the way I am.

But I know there are people who are naturally just as light and cheerful and silly as I am, just not as easily amused. And I think laughter can heal them. So what to do?

Identify your kind of humor. Think about when you do have those deep, belly laughs. What usually provokes them? Certain kinds of jokes? Then go online and look for those kinds of jokes frequently. A certain person? See if you can be around that person more often.

How about iPhone autocotrects?! Those things are hilarious beyond words! I laughed myself to sleep one night reading those! ;-D

My auto correct is off its rocker too. Lol!

Funny videos? Look on YouTube for hilarious videos!

Or go to Google images for funny pictures/memes.

Other people’s embarrassing stories?

Check out Fml stories online! Or the Fml app for some phones!

Whatever it is that amuses you silly, if it doesn’t frequently come to you, how about you go to it instead?! And this can apply to many aspects of life. When something doesn’t come to us, we can go out looking for it.

That’s one thing I’m still learning. I’m not very bold and outgoing and am forever just waiting for people and things and opportunities to come to me. But that won’t always happen. So we have to get going and pursue the things we need & want.
When opportunity knocks, open the door

But

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” ~
Milton Berle

I discovered a photo distortion app on my phone and am having wayyyy too much fun with it! Lol

I got a serious case of the giggles! ;-p

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby

Here are some hilarious things to check out!

Hilarious auto corrects:

http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

http://wtfautocorrects.tumblr.com/

Comic relief for depressed/suicidal people:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/jokes.htm

FML stories:

http://fmylife.tumblr.com/

Funny panda video:

Desktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddZtpS_brOI

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ddZtpS_brOI&app=m

Funny Jimmy Buffett songs :

Desktop:
The Asshole Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_TyrEUpZ8Y

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f_TyrEUpZ8Y

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

Desktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2_lU3adj5k

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IpsTRbJKoa0

” I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Ooh, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside” ~
Neil Sedaka – Laughter In The Rain

Xoxo Kim

My new necklace!

Nov7

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi

I got this necklace at an Etsy shop like this one: https://www.etsy.com/listing/123470947/the-wound-is-the-place-where-the-light?

& this: https://www.etsy.com/search/handmade/jewelry?includes%5B0%5D=tags&q=rumi+quote

For $15.00

It takes one to know one

Nov4

That phrase “It takes one to know one” is something I have heard since I was a little girl. When I would be out with my friends when we were little and we would get into trivial little arguments and call each other “little brats” or “traitors” or “chicken” kids would always yell back “It takes one to know one!” saying or implying that since we called someone “chicken” or “brat” or any childish insult, then we are one too.

I never understood this phrase. “It takes one to know one.” How is that? If I know a murderer does that make me one? If I know a thief, am I necessarily a thief? Or if I know a doctor, a social worker, or a lawyer, does that entail that I am one of those?

Even as an adult, for many years, I just couldn’t grasp the phrase. But some months ago I began to understand and now today, I understand so much better than ever.

“It takes one to know one.” It’s not always true and doesn’t always have to be taken literally. If I know a dog, that doesn’t make me a dog.

But, now in this phrase I once believed to be idiotic and nonsensical, I see so much wisdom and truth.

I was thinking about people who frequently only see the bad in someone or in humanity or the world at large and people who won’t appreciate the goodness in someone.

Have you ever been so good to someone or just good in general and certain people can’t see it or don’t want to or just don’t care to appreciate all of your beauty and light? Maybe they disregard it or only see what they deem as flaws.

But that’s not because of who you are; it’s how they are being. That’s the lense they are seeing through; it’s not your truth.

If there’s no beauty in the way they see things or the way they are being, they likely won’t see your beauty no matter the vibrancy, degree, or depth of it.

Someone with a general bitter heart will usually only see bitterness, not softness or light. Someone who is generally unkind won’t often appreciate kindness. Someone who is frequently angry and unhappy and insulting will very rarely detect or appreciate beauty in someone and goodness and positive qualities.

Have you ever detected beauty and wisdom in something and think it’s amazing? Or see incredible qualities in someone and think that person is beyond beautiful? That’s because there’s some beauty and wisdom in you, yourself to see that.

You are open to seeing positivity and allowing it to be revealed to you.

You are receptive of it.

It resonates with you because there is some of it in you.

When you meet someone or know someone and think “S/he’s so amazing and beautiful” that shows that you also have a warm, receptive, attentive heart.

I frequently share inspirational messages of hope, light, beauty, strength, perseverance, and more on Facebook and on here. And I get the sweetest, kindest messages by people often complimenting me on my deep wisdom and positivity and uplifting messages.

I greatly appreciate each and every person and each and every sweet message. Some of these people don’t realize that they, themselves are very kind, wise, strong, and positive. If they weren’t, it would be difficult to see it in others.

They see it in me and I see it in them. Their wisdom mirrors my own.

If you love seeing/hearing about people helping others for nothing in return, if that’s something that tugs on your heartstrings, warms you up, that shows that it’s also in you to be kind and generous. Maybe you don’t help people much because you don’t see any opportunities around you or maybe you’re lazy or shy or reserved but it’s in you to be beautiful.

Do you think someone who loathes people in general, someone who likes to watch others suffer, fall, or fail would be happy watching someone help people expecting nothing in return? Probably not.

If you ever encounter someone who doesn’t appreciate the person you are, always remember, it’s not because you aren’t great and amazing and beautiful and lovely, it’s because that person needs some work done on her/himself to better see the goodness & beauty in life and in people.

And the next occasion you compliment someone or think about how incredible someone is, don’t forget to acknowledge and give thanks to your own loving heart.

Xoxo Kim

Happy Diwalis { Goodness & Love Prevail} <3

Nov2

Someone, somewhere is looking for exactly what you have to offer…

Today I was overcome with a very deep depression, so deep my body was nearly paralyzed. I felt so trapped and stuck. Nothing I could have done would have lifted it. It wasn’t an ordinary low mood or sadness. It was a heavy sickness that took me over.

I was at work and just couldn’t move. So sluggish and hopeless. But I had to move to tend to customers. I love tending to their needs but it’s extremely difficult and excruciating when I’m deeply depressed. I don’t care if they know I’m depressed but it’s not part of my job to spill my guts to every customer about my depression. And my depression puts me at risk for seeming unfriendly. I am not unfriendly.

So it’s hard trying to be cheerful when I’m just not feelin’ it. What I felt earlier is the kind of heavy, deep, despairing depression that almost nothing can touch. No inspirational quote, no happy uplifting song, no positive thought…nothing can break through that sickness when it’s already at that level. It hit me so hard that I couldn’t even lie to myself and say I’m just sad or that I can snap out of it. I couldn’t feel low about myself and believe I’m just worthless and no good and that’s why I feel that way.

It was too obvious that it’s a real sickness that needs treatment. And needs management.
So I let myself feel it. I just let myself be with it. I felt desperate, hopeless, sick…

It’s misery. It’s torture. Beyond Hell. It feels like my guts are being shredded, like I can start bleeding out my eyes, like I want to crawl up and wither away.

My body felt like every square inch of it weighted one thousand pounds. I literally had to struggle to move. Like every little movement was a strenuous workout.

I wanted to run home and succumb to my bed in solitude and writhe in my despair. And eventually dissipate into the dust…

But I remembered all the years I worked on myself to conquer this sickness, all the strength I mustered and put into action, all the scars and pain and wounds I let turn into lessons. All the lessons that taught me so much wisdom.

I thought of the promises I made to myself and to the uni-verse and to the world. The promise to not let myself sink back to that general darkness I once lived and breathed. The promise to always try to feel some glimmer of hope glistening amidst the blackness and KNOW it exists even when it does not feel like it, the promise to always try to remember how one life can impact so many, many others in beautiful ways, the promise to remember that the world is so big and there is so much more to learn and so many people and living creatures to bless and so many people to meet and so many things to do, my vow to not break no matter how much I am pushed and pulled and shoved. My vow to live….

And I looked for inspirational quotes and lyrics and pictures to share with others and uplift myself. Sharing is healing. Healing for all involved. And I shared them on Facebook and got so much positive feedback. The quotes did help me and sharing them helped others. And their kind comments helped me tremendously.

I realize even more how much I have accomplished. I’m not very successful in terms of jobs or career or money or academics, or…..anything, really. lol. But I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could at one point.

My entire life was consumed by suicidal psychotic depression day in and day out every single day almost, for over sixteen years and still going. But it’s not like it used to be. Now I’m happy more often than not. Because I mustered the strength and the courage to seek help. To ask for professional help and to practice personal development self help techniques every single day.

I am committed to personal development.

I am committed to being the best me, to being all that I can be.

When I sink to this level I am currently at and somehow manage to not become dangerously suicidal and just crumble like before and even help uplift myself some, it really hits me hard how much I have succeeded and accomplished and gained. And that uplifts me even more.

If it wasn’t for all the days of working to better myself, I wouldn’t be handling this depression as well as I am today. Or at all. I would be at my lowest depths by now or worse.

But

I felt the heaviness lift enough for me to move with more ease.

And a very kind Facebook friend of mine who lives in India shared some beautiful facts with me which helped me even more.

In India every year on the darkest day/night is the holiday Diwalis. It’s the celebration of all the goodness in life. A celebration of Good over evil. A celebration of love, kindness, humanity, hope, caring and sharing. In India, people of all religions come together to celebrate the Beauty that does exist. It does. Beauty and Goodness exist in this life. And it outweighs the bad.

It’s just what I need today. I thanked my Facebook friend for sharing with me but I don’t know if he knows the true impact he has on me by sharing this.

I wish I were in India celebrating with all the lights, candles, people, sweet treats, and gifts. But I’m not. One day. But not today.

But today I am here. And I am celebrating right where I’m at. The goodness and true beauty and love and light in the world and within me. There is darkness within me. There is a heavy sickness weighing on me but there is beauty, love, and light in me that will transcend that darkness. There is hope. Life is hope.

I know there are people suffering today as I am. There are people who need a hug, a loving embrace, a kind word, a smile, a friend.

I am not there with them in person but in spirit I am and I want to provide whatever it is they need.
So if you’re one of them and you’re reading this, know that I am with you.

And check out the links my friend shared with me!

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/people/Diwalis-a-festival-that-unites-all-communities/articleshow/25120134.cms

http://m.thehindu.com/sci-tech/science/nasa-releases-map-of-india-on-diwali-night/article4171042.ece/?maneref=http%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2Fl.php%3Fu%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.thehindu.com%252Fsci-tech%252Fscience%252Fnasa-releases-map-of-india-on-diwali-night%252Farticle4171042.ece%26h%3DMAQF8Q-Xh%26s%3D1

When I was reading inspirational quotes in the midst of my horrifying despair today, I found this quote and as sick as I was, I burst out laughing uncontrollably. It is hilarious.

“I’d tell you to kiss my ass but I’m pretty sure you’d fall in love and then I’d never get rid of you. “. And I am laughing as I’m writing this. Laughing helps so much. ;-D

Much love…
Xoxo Kim

Here are some Rumi quotes:

Your heart is the size of an ocean. Go find yourself in its hidden depths.

Every day is just perfect for love.

Love risks everything and asks for nothing.

The heart is the secret inside the secret.

Don’t sit and wait. Get out there, feel life. Touch the sun, and immerse in the sea.

Give yourself a kiss. If you want to hold the beautiful one, hold yourself to yourself.

You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.

Every step I take is a blessing.

Beauty surrounds us.

The wound is the place where the light enters you.

No stars are out tonight

Nov1

But that’s alright.
You are your own light.

“Create the things you wished existed.”

Is there anything you wish to see more of in this world or around you, more love, or more positivity, specific kinds of blog posts, more encouraging people, more beauty and light….?

We can’t control other people but we can empower ourselves and make positive choices to put more of what we want to see out into the world.

I think sometimes we wait for other people to move first and we search for people to look up to, people who will do what we want to see, write what we want to read, say what we want to hear, and we search for things we can’t seem to find at that moment then get disappointed or frustrated or heartbroken when we don’t find it.

I know sometimes I get a numb feeling or just feeling gloomy or stagnant and wish someone would appear with some beauty and light or message of hope for me or put some feeling into me and I search the Internet or books and can’t seem to find anything on that occasion that fulfills my longing.

But the truth is while it’s great to have someone special come along with a sweet uplifting message of love and hope, that won’t always happen. Sometimes we’ll be lonely and feeling empty or glum.

But the great thing is, we have an abundance of inspiration inside us already and all we have to do is tap into it and share with others.

We don’t have to wait for someone else to put beauty in our lives. It’s up to us to create beauty in the ugliest moments and bring about light in our darkest hours.

If you want to read something positive about a certain topic or want to read a certain opinion and don’t find it when you search, why not write it yourself? Want to read a list of wonders or amazing things? Create your own list!

Do you want to read something raw and honest and deep? Write something raw and honest and deep and share it with the world.

Need someone in your life who is loving, passionate, and strong? While you’re waiting, be that person yourself. Work on yourself and create yourself and strengthen yourself into the you that you would love to know.

Want a loyal, forgiving friend who loves unconditionally? Be that kind of friend. Be that kind of person to the world.

Listen to your heart, listen to the song within. Listen to your own deep inner wisdom. It may be quiet and gentle but it’s there. Deep inside, you know what you need.

Whatever it is, realize it.

You have a plentitude of life, inspiration, and love within you that you can bask in, share, and bless people with.

So whatever you want to see existing, create it.

I have been listening to the beautiful song by Jack Wagner, “All I Need” and these lovely words jump out at me:

“No stars are out tonight but we’re shining our own light.
And it’s never felt so right.”

When there are no stars in your sky, shine your own light.

If you want, check out the song here:
Non mobile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cLYRsHfPkQ&sns=fb

Mobile:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9cLYRsHfPkQ&app=m

“I wondered why someone did not do something. Then I realized I am someone.” ~ Unknown

😀

Xoxo Kim