Tag Archive | live

Your Beautiful Body – {awe}, {wonder}, {inspired} WOW! :-D <3

I am often filled with wonder and awe at the things around me and within me. I believe that every single one of us should take full advantage of being alive. And not just by realizing your big dreams or doing more of what you love or being around people who make you happy. All of that too. But one way to take the experience of being alive and conscious and make the best of it is to milk it for all you can, yup, milk that shit for all (or awe?!) it’s worth! Lol

And I’m not the only weirdo who thinks this way! Lol. Need some convincing? Here you are:

http://thedailylove.com/don’t-just-think-about-it-–-thank-about-it/

I read that when it first came out and I could not believe how it resonates with me and how someone else feels this way! Wow!

Look around you. Look. What do you see? Hear? Feel? Smell? Taste? The same things you always do, right? All the ordinary. Mundane occurrences. Monotonous things. Nothing special, right?

Wrong!

Everything is amazing. Beyond amazing. Everything is truly incredible. Wondrous. Miraculous. There is astounding beauty all around. Within.

Look at the trees, the branches and leaves blowing in the wind, feel the air on your skin, look at the sky, take in the scents all around you, listen to the songbirds, the crickets, the cars, taste the food you put into your mouth, citrus like the sun, sweet like honeysuckle flowers drenched in morning mist, salt like tears, tears of heartbreak & joy, pain & gratitude..bask in the wonders, the rain upon your skin..watch the sun awaken or set. Or both.

You don’t have to believe in any supernatural beings, religion, or any spiritual realms to see everything, even the “ordinary”, as a “miracle.”

Just because we have instant access to something every single day doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful or wondrous or that it can’t be awe-inspiring. I love that I can see every day. That I can hear. That I can wake up. That I can walk. That I can look up at the sky and feel life surge through me like electricity.

I have been able to do these things all my life and if nothing goes very wrong, I always will! But it just never gets old.

Sometimes beautiful things and a feeling of wonder and awe of life may come so easily, naturally, automatically but other occasions it may be hard to see beauty or feel inspired and we really have to look and make a conscious decision to look for it and receive it.

I don’t know most people but it seems to me that most of us do not have many awe-inspiring experiences or feel wonder and beauty with each breath or even just once a day.

I’m not talking about the overuse/”misuse” of the word “awesome ” that many people are in the habit of saying, like when people say like “that car is awesome ” or she’s so “awesome” or that baseball team, well they’re just so…
Awesome, meaning those things are “cool” or those are what’s up. Not something that’s trendy and “neat-o” .

Awesome like something provoking a deep feeling of awe in us. Awe – respectful fear & wonder. Like the way Lionel Richie uses this word in his song, “Say You, Say Me”.

Yup! Some things are so wondrous, so beautiful, it’s quite scary! ;-O

We see aesthetically pleasing things or hear them frequently if our senses function but how often do we let those things inspire us to the bones, to the core? How often can we feel them tingling in every cell of the body and deep into the marrow of our bones? How often are we overwhelmed, weak at the knees just thinking about the astounding gift of being alive? And not just things experienced through the senses but everything. Everything felt inside. Heartwarming. Look at your friends. Your family. Your pets. Yourself. And feel how incredible it is to have have those things. Those people. Not just like having fun with, & loving them but how amazing it is, the experience of knowing them, of having them.

We take so much for granted. The beauty I feel runs so deep. The love. The inspiration is so ingrained. I have these moments usually at least once a day, usually strongest at night or the early morning. It’s like the wonder of a child, or a philosopher. Or someone who has just stepped out of a life of utter darkness.
As if a big, thick, heavy quilt was just snatched off of me after a life of being covered by it. And now I can see. And I will never be used to this feeling.

What is it? This feeling that overcomes me, breathes in me when everything just astounds me and I cannot believe I am blessed with such shocking, unbelievable beauty & love & inspiration & life ?

I speak of developing & strengthening positive habits frequently and this is one habit that I believe is incredible to develop and maintain.

When we look and appreciate and meditate upon the goodness of these wonders and joys, and look & see with “new” eyes as if we have never really seen before, when we imagine a life without these wonders, it can help us so much to feel, live, and breathe life, inspiration, beauty.

When we think, “What are the chances?”

Think of your body. How often do you think we think of our bodies? Very frequently right? But usually when we think of our own body, it’s about or in relation to its appearance, the aesthetics of it, how it looks to us and others, or when it’s hungry.

And usually it seems, at least to me, when people think of their own body, it’s in a very negative way. It doesn’t match up to those standards of beauty we have in our heads about how it should look or be.

But for once, I would like everyone to silence the hostile and toxic criticism of the appearance of their own bodies and even the mere thought of its physical appearance and instead look upon it with wonder & awe. Not for what it looks like but for what it does.

You think your fantastic car is amazing? Your intelligent phone? Those “I” things with access to the Internet? They sure are but they don’t even come close to the beauty and wonder that is your body!

Your body is one of the most amazing wonders no matter what it looks like or how perfectly or imperfectly it functions.

Your heart. Your lungs. Your kidneys. Your stomach. Your liver. Bones. Blood. Veins. Breath. Nerves. Your eyes. Your ears. Your tongue. Your appendix. Your intestines. Your skin. Every gorgeous curve of your body. Your spleen. Your boobies. (big or small, it doesn’t matter! Lol) Your back. Your spine that holds you. That lovely smile. Your uplifting laugh. Your beautiful eyelashes. Your dna, your fingerprints, your blueprint. Your finger/toe nails. Your hair. Your nose. Your fingers & your toes. All of those things! Isn’t it amazing?!??!

All the things it can do! It allows you to think. Experience. Feel. Live. Be.

Put your hands on your face. Make eye contact with someone, even a stranger, and connect on a basic human level. Smile. Feel those little, beautiful bones in your neck. Look at those lines of life in your wrists. Look at someone else’s body and feel the awe surge through you.

We’re so used to having a body. So used to seeing everyone else’s bodies everywhere we go. We overlook the miraculous wonder of them. The way they exist. The way they function. They way they let us live. My body is beautiful. Your body is beautiful. Breathtaking.

Here are some mind – blowing facts just for you today!

The average adult heart beats 72 times a minute; 100,000 times a day; 3,600,000 times a year; and 2.5 billion times during a lifetime.

Source:
(Parramon’s Editorial Team. 2005. Essential Atlas of Physiology. Hauppauge, NY: Barron’s Educational Series, Inc.)

A kitchen faucet would need to be turned on all the way for at least 45 years to equal the amount of blood pumped by the heart in an average lifetime.

Source :
(Avraham, Regina. 2000. The Circulatory System. Philadelphia, PA: Chelsea House Publishers.)

Every day, the heart creates enough energy to drive a truck 20 miles. In a lifetime, that is equivalent to driving to the moon and back.

Source:
(Avraham, Regina. 2000. The Circulatory System. Philadelphia, PA: Chelsea House Publishers.)

During an average lifetime, the heart will pump nearly 1.5 million barrels of blood—enough to fill 200 train tank cars.

Source:
(Avraham, Regina. 2000. The Circulatory System. Philadelphia, PA: Chelsea House Publishers.)

Check this for more lovely facts!
http://facts.randomhistory.com/human-heart-facts.html

And here ‘s another one for you :

Stomach acid is strong enough to dissolve metal, even sharp objects such as razor blades. Although swallowing metal is never a good idea, it will seriously injure or kill a person before it’s dissolved by the person ‘s stomach acid.
(Li. P. K.; Spittler C.; Taylor C. W.; Sponseller D.; Chung R.S.; Department of Surgery, Meridia Huron and Hillcrest Hospitals, Cleveland , Ohio
Gastrointestinal Endoscopy ISSN 0016-5107)

But isn’t that amazing?! ;-D

And think of when you have a cut or a broken bone. Whether or not you need medical assistance, that body of yours heals itself. Your skin closes back up. It’s almost too good to be true. But it’s not because It IS true!

Imagine walking up a street and out of nowhere being overwhelmed by the incredible beauty of living, imagine the feeling as if you will burst into tears at any moment. Not tears of sorrow or pain. But tears of joy and gratitude.

I want you to love your body for letting you live. And live so well. Nourish it. Cherish it. Your body hears everything you say & think so watch what you say, you don’t want to stress it out! Or piss it off.

Here is something to ponder written by Albert Einstein :

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people; first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy.

A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.

A human being is part of a whole, called by us the “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us.

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

Only a life lived for others is worth living.”

–Albert Einstein

(I don’t necessarily agree with it in its entirety. I like this. Very compassionate & intelligent, generous man! But that last line, it kind of rubs me the wrong way. And not merely because he says we should live for others but the gall to assume only certain kinds of lives or worth living. I don’t think he’s saying we should live to be servants at the expense of our own sanity and welfare but some people may take it that way. I completely agree we should help others and not demand or expect tangible things or favors in return and should have compassion and empathy and that we are all connected in ways. We can help others and love all living creatures without wearing ourselves out to be their servants. We must find the correct balance and set healthy boundaries. But yeah I wouldn’t say any life is ‘not worth living’. But I guess that calls for a whole other post!)

Ohhhh, the wild joys of living…..

“Oh the wild joys of living! The leaping from rock to rock … the cool silver shock of the plunge in a pool’s living waters.” ~ Robert Browning

I hope you find that inspiration, that music in your bones, that magic in your heart, that awareness, & gratitude, those awe-provoking moments that will blow you away. And always remember, even the ordinary is truly extraordinary when we really.

😀

Xo Kim

P.s.

https://livingmindfully.org/

http://www.meditationoasis.com/

An Inspiring Conversation

Aug23

” I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU. “~Mayor John Pappas (City Hall, 1996)

About a year ago, I had a conversation with someone at work one night. At first, I found this conversation to be very unpleasant but shortly after the conversation ended, I felt energized, inspired, uplifted, and so hopeful.

This conversation is one of the things which has had the greatest, positive impact on me in my journey to recover my suicidal depression.

A person was talking to me about drug addiction and people who struggle and have struggled with addiction. She had a very negative view of people who have suffered substance addiction, even the ones who have overcome it and no longer consume illegal/recreational drugs.

She basically held the view that drug addicted people are lost causes who are bound to go nowhere in life. And even when they recover or heal, they will always be “druggies”. “Druggies” who even after recovering will never find redemption or worth.

I couldn’t have disagreed with this girl more. I see so much potential and hope and light in almost everyone I look at. People are remarkably strong and resilient and can overcome and move forward even when it’s hard. Even when it’s painful and all seems hopeless. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it’s all just so dark.

There can always be light. When I look at a person, even a troubled, difficult, broken person with great obstacles and challenges, I don’t see an addiction or an illness or a mere label or a “lost cause”. I see a person. A light. Possibility and hope. Hope for healing. Hope for change.

Everyone has something to contribute to this world and everyone around us whether or not they realize it and even when it feels impossible. You may feel so empty, so broken, so devoid of life, so hopeless but you are not beyond healing or hope or love.

A person who has struggled with addiction and has overcome or healed that addiction and no longer takes drugs/alcohol has acheived an incredible accomplishment. It takes great strength and courage and dedication to pick up the broken pieces, the shattered parts of self and put them together again and become whole. There may always be scars, cracks, breaks, pain..but it’s possible to move forward and find true happiness, true joy in existence.

Why judge someone negatively for previous mistakes or a health condition or a choice that got out of control?

I have never struggled with addiction of any sort and cannot possibly know what it’s like. All I can know is that it is painful, devastating, heartbreaking and difficult for the person who is addicted and everyone around that person and that it IS possible, with help & support of various kinds, to get better enough to live and be happy living. Whether or not the person is completely recovered with no more urges or still has urges that are difficult to resist. Even someone who relapses now and then.

It’s not always easy for an addicted person to know this or to ask for help or to not relapse. And people struggling with addiction deserve empathy, understanding, compassion, love, encouragement. They aren’t monsters. Many of them may steal and assault people and become unrecognizable to those who knew them before the tragedy of addiction but they are not all bad people . Underneath the devastation and the addiction is an amazing person who can find hope and healing.

After this girl I had the conversation with left me that night I started to think about our contrasting views. She viewed people who struggle with addiction as some of the lowest people on Earth, worthless, bad, taking up space in a world they don’t deserve.

And I view them as the people they are. Worthy of love, empathy, care, acceptance, compassion…

And I started to think about how we need more people in this world with my view. We need people with better understanding and compassion.

I thought of my own struggle with suicidal depression, which back then, a year ago, was not as healed as it is today, right now.

I thought of all the moments I wanted to kill myself in this life, feeling as if I had nothing to live for and never ever would , as if I was worthless, empty, nothing, as if the pain was just too much to bear, weighing too heavy on my life, to go on.

And I realized if I ever kill myself, I kill my compassion for others, my love, my empathy, my understanding, my acceptance, my open mindedness. If I kill myself, I kill all the chances I will ever have to help another, before those chances even begin. If I kill me, I kill the opportunity to tell someone s/he is not a lost cause, not an addiction, not a loser, not deserving of callousness and abusive insults and cruelty. I kill the chance to tell someone there is hope.

I’m not an expert on addiction. I don’t know exactly how to handle an addicted person, especially one who is acting out. They may need firmness every now and then and not all sap and gentleness, I don’t know. But that’s not my point anyway; my point is that we need more people with compassion and positive views of troubled people. We need people who will not destructively criticize and tell people there’s no hope for them.

This goes for any troubled person or anyone who has made mistakes with serious consequences, not just addicted people.

And that if you ever kill yourself, you kill every positive aspect of yourself, your opportunity to eventually be fulfilled and healed and find or create a sense of purpose, and your opportunity for growth and your opportunity to impact the world and maybe even just one life for the better.

You’re under no obligation to live for others, it’s yourself you should live for. But there are people who need you to live, you may not have met them yet and maybe won’t meet them for many years, maybe you never will but your life will somehow touch theirs. Someone, somewhere needs YOU to LIVE. And eventually you will find or create a sense of purpose for your own existence.

Live for yourself and your own empathy and care and love. And live for all of your good qualities and possibilities.

I vowed to myself that night after that conversation which at first I believed to be unpleasant, that I will never take my own life. We should all live for ourselves. But when I used to get suicidal, I did not want to live for me. I saw nothing in me worth living for. But that night I vowed to never, ever end my own life even if I feel like it because if nothing else, there’s one thing in me worth surviving for, my concern and care for others. My empathy, my ability to see beyond illnesses and difficulties and troubles and mistakes, my desire, my longing to help heal and console in any way I can. This fulfills me. I know those aren’t my only reasons for living, my reason is just to be, but when I’m contemplating suicide I usually see nothing to go on for. But this view is something I will always believe in. Helping others, also helps me. We are all connected.

I don’t live to be a “slave” and used by others, I allow myself to be fulfilled by helping and positively impacting anyone I can.

There are many, many people like me who feel this way about people, that they can heal and are deserving of compassion and love. And if I kill myself there will be one less of us.

(No one should kill themselves even if they aren’t compassionate or empathetic or caring.

Since that night, I haven’t seriously contemplated ending my own life. And if I ever do again, I have a sweet reminder of something worth living for.

And there’s also another lesson to be learned here, anyone can be our teacher even those who are unpleasant, even unpleasant encounters can be inspiring and teach us valuable lessons. This young woman who I debated with that night, this at first seemingly unpleasant encounter, provided me with the chance to think about things which have filled me with hope & inspiration.

And here I am today, still inspired, still hopeful, still going strong.

Xox Much love, blessings, & hope to you all.

~Kim

“Don’t judge me by my past, I don’t live there anymore.”

“Possibilities are everywhere.”

“Always go the extra mile, it’s never crowded.”

“Your past is a gift to guide you, it doesn’t have to imprison you.”

A Beautiful Medley

Jul30

A Beautiful

Jul30

If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane

Jul2

(my dog Koko after she got done eating a vanilla cream horn treat. she has cream on her little face. Lol silly girl!)

” And I’ll never be the same without you here
I’ll live alone and hide myself behind my tears
And I’ll never be the same without your love
I’ll live alone and try so hard to rise above” ~ Christopher Cross

I’m ready.

Ready to start laughing again. Those good belly laughs I used to laugh almost constantly every night and day for as long as I can remember. Until my dog died. Three months ago.

I stopped laughing then. I wouldn’t let myself. When I found something amusing as I usually do I would quickly remind myself, “Wait! You can’t laugh, Koko is dead!”. And I would become somber. Or apathetic. Or grief stricken. Or just stop. And go about my day. Not laughing.

I wouldn’t really say or think those words but the concept of my sweet dog being dead would creep into my brain destroying any desire I had to laugh, any ounce of amusement I began to experience .

Ever since I was little, in elementary school, probably even before, I have been very easily amused over everything and nothing. I laugh more than anyone I have ever known.

I got in trouble in class often for laughing out loud uncontrollably at kids being bad.

My mom yells at me sometimes for laughing during inappropriate situations like when my dog eats out of the cat’s litter box. Lol

Once, my therapist asked me if it is some sort of coping mechanism or cover up for Anxiety. And my answer is NO. I am genuinely amused. Just a silly, giggly girl. I usually always find something to laugh about even when I am unhappy or depressed or angry!

There are occasions when I have been super furious at someone but still amused and laughing uncontrollably and I would be so pissed at myself for laughing because who is going to take my anger seriously when I’m laughing my ass off?! Lol 😀

But when Koko died in April I stopped laughing. After a few days I started to smile and laugh a little bit and be slightly amused but those serious belly laughs have been extremely rare.

Grief never goes away. Grief over a human friend or family member or grief over a fur or feather or reptile…… friend dying is forever etched in our hearts.

But for many people it eventually heals to a point where it’s not always raw or always the main feeling everyday. It appears and reappears and on some occasions even decades later, maybe it resurfaces at full force and then subsides again.

It doesn’t have to hinder or taint happiness.

My grief has for the most part taken the back burner and I can still be happy and I even eventually began feeling mostly like myself again. But still there has been some kind of damper put on this life of mine.

There will always be a part of me missing. Always. My dog wasn’t just my “pet”. She was my friend, my family.

And this death hurts me so much it’s unbelievable.

But this death is somewhat easier than what many people have to endure with a loss. Koko was old and lived a whole dog life and 12 years with me. And she was not sick, in pain, or suffering when she died. My mom and dad were there with her and watched her take her last breath.

She began to slow down days before her death and her breathing changed and we hoped so desperately that she wouldn’t begin to suffer and that if she must die soon that it would be easy and quick. I couldn’t bear to think of her suffering or being euthanized by an animal doctor as my mom mentioned may have to happen.

Some dogs die alone, in pain, lost, young, and abandoned, never knowing true love. Some are so bad off they are euthanized.

But not Koko. She was loved by us for 12 years. We celebrated her every birthday, bought her gifts every holiday, let her sleep in bed, on the sofa, she had other fur friends. I bought her treats home every night after work. The girl was spoiled!! 😉

And she died old, quickly, and naturally.

And for all of that I am so blessed. Seriously what more can I ask for?!

It does not take away my grief. But grief should never go away anyway. Grief is part of living and loving and when one life is so impacted by another grief is the result of loss.

A few days ago I began laughing again a lot
Throughout the day like before. And it has been continuing everyday now.

And I realized I haven’t been my giggly self for so long. I felt different but could not put my finger on it. Then one night I laughed hysterically over song lyrics and realized I haven’t laughed quite like that in ages!

I think after three months my grief is finally beginning to heal more.

It’s important to remember that it’s ok to laugh even when someone else has died or is dying or experiencing tragedy or pain or illness.

I have a tendency to feel guilt laughing when I hear about, see on the news, or know someone who died or is experiencing tragedy.

But me/you/someone not laughing and intentionally not having fun does not help the tragedy in the world. It just results in another unhappy person or one who is not fully living.

I can laugh. It won’t hurt Koko. If I choose not to laugh, it won’t bring her back. It HURTS to let go. Hurts desperately. But it’s ok.

Just because you laugh doesn’t mean you are cold or don’t care or are forgetting or ignoring the death or pain of others.

You are still living. It’s your life. It’s ok. It’s necessary to move forward.

I never wanted to admit this but a few days after Koko died my pain was so severe I thought I wanted to die too.

I felt nothing but anger every day and pain.
I wasn’t angry at anyone specifically. There was no one to be angry at.

But now I don’t feel angry. I feel blessed. I am blessed.

Two nights ago I was looking through older pictures trying to find one of my dog, Isis Summerjo, and I accidentally saw like 100 of Koko in my phone and I felt as if I was suffocating and drowning all over again.

I have only been able to look at pictures of her and talk about her on certain occasions when I felt enabled to do so. And then I accidentally saw them and I clicked each and every one I saw and looked. It hurt but I smiled and realized how much stronger I am now.

A brief fleeting thought of me wanting to die ran across my brain. But I told myself. What good will dying do? Will it bring Koko back? No. Will it end my pain? Yes but it will also end everything else. And I don’t need that.

There is always hope.

My life is more good than pain.

And even when it doesn’t feel that way.

There’s always hope.

I am so skilled now more than ever at being able to see the good amidst the bad. The positive in the negative. The hope in the darkness. The healing in the hurt.

I can even feel happy while depressed.

Also,

It’s now July! You know what that means right!? Nine months. I haven’t been suicidal or even thought about it seriously in nine months. That’s the longest I have ever been able to go without those compulsions and thoughts in……FOURTEEN years!!!!!! Fourteen years!!!!!!! In case you don’t know, I wrote about this in previous blog entries here. I suffer with clinical depression. I have suffered with mental illness since I was eleven years old and at 21 years old I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. I was hospitalized again and participate in psychotherapy and drug therapy. I struggled for years
and in 2010 I truly started to get better. Four months is the longest I have ever been able to go without being suicidal since I was 13 years old. And usually not even that long. Until now. But now I’m back and better than ever! 😀

I changed my ways. My thinking, my attitude, my life. And I am going strong. I celebrate living everyday.

I hope everyone will find hope and love even in pain and darkness.

I am ready to start laughing again. To start living again.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Wondering what lyrics and songs are so hilarious?! Lol! Check these out!!

“My head hurts , my feet stink” by Jimmy Buffett. Just the song title has me rofl

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/my+head+hurts+my+feet+stink+and+i+dont+love+jesus_20267475.html

“Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes”
Jimmy Buffett
“With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of my running, and all of my cunning
If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane
If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane
If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane”
“

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/changes+in+latitudes+changes+in+attitudes_20071889.html

“Growing older not up”

“I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead”
~ Jimmy Buffett

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/growing+older+but+not+up_20071897.html

“The Asshole song”

“Were you born an asshole
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way, it worked out fine
‘Cause you’re an asshole tonight “
~
Jimmy Buffett

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/the+asshole+song_20214732.html

And I hope you find a bit of inspiration in some of these lyrics as well.

Here’s a pic I made using an app, it’s one of those “when you see it” pics. Lol

I Hope You Dance

Apr20

. It’s a rainy Friday night here in Philadelphia which reminds me of a song by Peppers Ghost called “Friday Night in Philadelphia.” It’s a great song but I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere!

I guess maybe it isn’t very popular?

Anyway, the lyrics are something like this “….Friday night, rainy night in Philadelphia…”. I always love when it rains and when it’s raining on a Friday night? Well, that’s what’s up! Lol 😉

I just got home recently. I was at work all night. I also have another song on my heart tonight. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack.

I love, love, LOVE that sweet song. It’s so uplifting, beautiful, and just the sweetest. ❤

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance”

Every word of that song, every line, every little message conveyed through that song touches me deeply, inspires me greatly.

To me, one of the most poignant lines in that song is

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

As most people who know me and mostly anyone who has read some parts of this blog of mine know, I have struggled with severe depression since I was young.

Not for any one specific reason. It runs in my family and some environmental issues have brought it out in me when I was young.

But I made a choice some years ago to take my life back and take control of it.

Some days I still feel that depression, that darkness, that despair, slowly creeping up on me getting ready to pounce any second.

It’s hard to believe I haven’t been suicidal or even thought of it in a serious or semi-serious way in six months. That is truly unbelievable to me. In 13, THIRTEEN years I have NEVER gone for more than four months, and usually not even that long without at least a little suicidal thought sneaking up on me because a depressed mood would sink in even if brief. My depression has always lifted completely for weeks or months for as long as I had it since 13 years old but always came back, to some degree, sometimes for a few days or few months before going again. Sometimes I would not be depressed and have no suicidal thoughts for four months and think I never would again, then depression would hit for a couple days, with suicidal thoughts, then go again and I would be happy for some more months or weeks. But those couple hours or days made it so I couldn’t go straight through without it.

But now? SIX months!!! And it’s all because of me. Because of the work I made a choice to do for myself. Of course I have had much help along the way but I am the main one.

I may have explained this to some extent on here before that there are different degrees of feeling suicidal.

There’s the brief, fleeting thought that ends as quickly as it appears.

Then there’s the ones that linger for a while.

There’s contemplation which is often accompanied by ambivalence.

Then there’s serious contemplation.

Then there’s the plan where the mind is made up for sure.

Then there’s the urges, compulsions where it feels that it has to be done now. There’s no more contemplation or ambivalence or uncertainty. It’s like this is it, it will happen soon or now.

I have felt all of this at various different points and it’s not pleasant. And it’s not a choice.

Actions are usually a choice but the thoughts and feelings are not.

I have learned how to often detect an impending episode that is about to occur and prevent it before it does. I am usually successful with this now.

Today, Friday, I have felt sluggish, almost depressed, in pain, still grieving over the loss of my dog, Koko.

I think of happy memories of her and smile brightly but I still cannot yet bring myself to look at pictures of her. But today I accidentally saw one of me holding her in a Christmas stocking and smiling brightly, four years ago.

I smiled but the pain was so deep. And that added to my sluggish, painful state today. Work cheered me up though and so did the rain.

It’s ok to grieve and to always sense that loss. It’s healthy.

It’s part of living. Part of loving.

I felt true depression coming on and it was about to be the suicidal kind. I can’t say how I know. I just do. After fourteen years of depression, off & on, I just know these things although they cannot be explained. So so badly I wanted to just give in and succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts/contemplation. It was taking too much energy to not give in.

Then these lyrics came to my mind and hit me hard. Right in the gut. Right in the heart as if to say “Come to your senses!”. “Get a grip!”. “Stop this utter ridiculousness!”

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

I will not succumb. I will not give in. I will not give up.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger”

I will be satisfied with, fulfilled, and thankful for all I have but I will still be passionately driven to seek more of life, more knowledge, more opportunities to learn, to live, to love, to help….

I will never lose that hunger.

I will dance.

This song gives me chills.

And I want to dedicate it to everyone who may be struggling for any reason at all, anyone who is coming close to or considering giving up, and everyone who has that hunger and will never ever give up and will choose to dance. Always. ❤

When one door closes, never be afraid to open another.

😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

To Do List

Feb5

✓ Sing out loud

✓ Write

✓ Smile at people 🙂

✓ Make eye contact

✓ Think positively

✓ Find little doses of inspiration everywhere I look

✓ Be kind

✓ Smile 😀

✓ Draw

✓ Paint

✓ Read & share uplifting quotes

✓ Laugh until it hurts

✓Love

✓Count my blessings

✓ Hope for the best

✓ Imagine

✓ Write a gratitude list

✓ Do something that brings me immense joy

✓Meditate

✓ Bring hope and light to someone in the darkness

✓ Be silly and not care what people think about it

✓ Be me. ❤

✓ See the best in myself & others.

✓ Look for beauty in any form everywhere I can.

✓ Be uplifting

✓ Be lighthearted. ❤

✓ Give.

✓ Be an excellent listener.

✓ Seek to understand.

✓ Be empathetic

✓ Be compassionate

✓ Be a true friend

✓ Perform a random act of kindness

✓ Inspire

✓ Seek to be inspired.

✓ Embody love. ❤

✓ Be mindful.

✓ See the world with wonder & awe & gratitude

✓ Write an inspirational & uplifting, anonymous letter containing positive quotes and messages, fold it up and leave it in some random place like a bench in a park, an empty seat on a bus, on a step…for a stranger to find.

✓ Take lots of pictures

✓ Be happy

✓ Eat delicious food.

✓ Be light. Be love. Be true.

✓ Dance

✓ Empower myself. ❤

✓ Focus on the goodness.

✓ Contribute to the world.

✓ Be thankful

✓ Be aware of my senses.

✓ Be friendly 😀

✓ Breathe

✓ Notice the simple things.

✓ Stay calm even in difficult and chaotic situations.

✓ Inhabit my body.

✓ Be.

✓ Be the best me that I can be.

✓Live. ❤

Serendipity <3

Jan25

I often hear people speak of technology dependence and write about it and how technology actually controls us instead of us controlling it. Some people have a true and serious problem either bordering on addiction or actually being a full-blown technology addiction of some sort that may require professional treatment.

But even many of us who do not have actual addiction still have some degree of emotional dependence on or attachment to it.

I never wanted to admit that about myself. I wanted to believe and claim that I just love it and use it because it’s there and it’s so helpful, fun, and just amazing. I wanted to tell myself and everyone else that I would be perfectly ok without it for a while, I would miss it and mourn it to some degree but that’s all.

Then one day recently I had a rude awakening. My dad drove me to work and I got out to open and I left all of my most cherished possessions in his car. My phone, my books, my bag, my iced coffee… I told him I would be right back for them, he said ok, and that quickly he forgot and drove off taking all of my stuff with him.

All my stuff- gone. My initial emotional reaction was anger. “How could he have been SO STUPID?!!?”. “How can he do this to me??!!”. “WTF?!”. Then came the fear, then the shock, then panic, then grief and mourning. Trembling hands and even chills. Then a kind of sickness dwelling in my chest. I always knew my books and my phone are a significant part of my life. But at this moment I realized just how much a part of me they are. How intertwined I am with them. My phone goes everywhere I go and so do my books. Sometimes I hold them even when I’m not currently using them. Even when I cannot pay my phone bill and my phone service is temporarily discontinued I still have my memos, my music, my pictures, everything else and I know it will eventually be back on. I never even really got my phone for the phone part or text part anyway. I wanted it for the handheld internet and other aspects of it. I don’t literally use my phone every waking second but I know it’s at my fingertips whenever I want it.

But that day at work my phone was gone. All of my writings, my passwords, my quotes, my songs, and pictures, my books, and I had no way of contacting my dad because I don’t know his number, it’s in my phone contacts, and he lost his phone recently.

I was sorry all of that stuff was gone but it wasn’t just about that. It’s something that runs deeper than that. I couldn’t pick up my phone or my books when I wanted and the thought of that frightened me. It was unusual, outside my comfort zone. For a few hours at least I was going to have to live outside my comfort zone, the life I knew before and move into a new zone I am not used to. I don’t always have a problem adjusting to change, especially when it’s positive change but this revelation was shocking at first! I was going out of my head, headed for an emotional meltdown.

Thoughts raced through my head. “What if I literally go insane?”. “What if I get bored out of my mind if it’s slow today even though I don’t usually get bored?”. “What if I have an amazing idea and cannot write it into my phone?”. “What if I cannot handle just not having the stuff that is constantly with me?”

Anyone would be disappointed, to say the least, about their stuff being missing and not having all of their info. Anymore. But these thoughts and reactions I was experiencing, to me, seem like signs of a somewhat unhealthy habit or emotional dependence, maybe a kind of insecurity. As soon as the thought of emotional dependence and insecurity crept into my head, I lied to myself right away. I told myself I was just afraid someone would break my dad’s window and steal my stuff. And I would be disappointed, that’s all.

I told myself I was disappointed, just a little bit unhappy about the whole thing, that’s all. I did not want to admit it but there was no getting around the truth. It was beyond disappointment. It was beyond mere unhappiness. It was a nightmare. I have been unconsciously viewing certain inanimate objects of mine, such as my phone, as an extension of myself. “Not just my phone, part of ME!!”. Partially because all my writings and helpful quotes are on there. I admitted it. Hard as it was. But they are not me. I am me. I am whole without my phone, even without my writings. To lose that is painful but I will survive.

This experience introduced me more intimately to a deeper part of myself. I realized I had unhealthy habits that were scary and I was able to admit that after a while and be strong and am able to overcome. To prevail.

I don’t have a severe, full-blown addiction like some people so for me it was easier to handle and overcome it. Not everyone can do this without some sort of help.

I realized I have to examine myself more to see what I am too attached to, what I am viewing as extensions of me that are in fact, not me but external objects of mine.

I realized so much of me revolves around objects that can easily be lost. I use my phone to write my ideas and share them with people. To store pass words and info that connects me with people. I use my books to read and to better myself. But I can and will be ok, even amazing without my stuff. That’s all it is. Stuff.

I can come up with more great ideas even though the ones I may lose are irreplaceable. My brain can generate more greatness. Phones and books can be replaced, they can help but they are not required. And I don’t need them to live. To breathe. To be.

There are moments I will want to and be so tempted to lie to myself about scary and unpleasant aspects of myself. But I must resist that urge and be truthful and admit so I can work on those potentially detrimental parts of me.

I must accept, change, and heal. This I can do. This I will do. I will continue to use my stuff and love it but I will control it and my thoughts. It will not control me. This experience taught me to look even deeper within me and observe, analyze, and admit parts of myself that I may deny or neglect. I am grateful for this awakening. It brought me closer to me. Quickly made me stronger when I came to realize I am all I need.

The only one, the only thing I can count on to make me whole and always be with me is myself and I am enough.

Also this experience pushed me outside of my routine ways. At work when I’m not busy, I usually read my own books and use my phone. But because that stuff wasn’t there then, I decided to explore the books and magazines my manager has there. I found really great stuff! In one magazine I found:

Love Letters Cares

http://loveletterscares.org/#2822

An organization that gives people the opportunity to make positive, uplifting, and inspirational cards for kids with life-threatening illnesses. I’m so happy I found this and I will make cards. Every kid deserves an uplifting card to make him/her happy and show someone cares!

This taught me to go out of my way more to try new things. I love trying new things and learning new things but I don’t always go out of my way as much to actually look for opportunities to find something new. I often just take the chance when I see it but I will be searching more now to see what I can find! I love it when a seemingly negative experience turns out to be a beautiful thing!

❤

Xox0 Kim ❤ 🙂 😀

P.S. I got all my stuff back at the end of my work shift! It was still a great day without it!

Morning Glory

Jan8

Mornin’ darlings!!!

It’s morning here in sunny, Philadelphia, Pa!! ❤

I got up extra early today to attempt to get a picture of the sunrise, something I always wanted to do. I have so many of the sun setting but none of the sun rising! But I have seen some beautiful sunrises in this life! Today is too cloudy though! That suuuccckss! Lol oh well. One day I WILL accomplish this goal! Maybe in the sweet Spring! 😉

Today, I’m greeting this morning with veneration & love!

I’m in a lot of pain and have been for a couple days because of my tmjd, pain disorder, and then I threw out my back, neck, and shoulder which makes it worse and the cold weather compounds it.

But I’m still in a great mood!

😀

Let’s face it, I’m a bum! Lol ok well not in the strictest sense of the word. I do like to work. I love going to work and working and I like working out at the gym when I get around to it. And walking is amazing. But I also love lounging around and I tend to sleep late and find myself waking up in the afternoon very often.

But I always wish that I would get to sleep early enough so that I wake up early in the morning on my own, replenished and well rested without going right back to sleep. That has happened before and sometimes I have to get up in the morning when I have somewhere to be that early. Like this morning. And I find that there’s something so magical and wondrous about the crisp new morning and being up and alive, fully participating in life. Just like the new year, I believe morning is symbolic of new hope & new beginnings, of new birth and all possibility. It’s a beautiful sunrise after a long, dark night. It’s hope. It’s light. A promise, and confirmation that there is, as a matter of fact, light at the end of darkness, a kind of rebirth. And there’s a sweet, early energy just swirling around us and twinkling about the atmosphere. We have a bright new day ahead of us where anything is possible. Maybe we’ll meet a new friend, learn something new, have some amazing new opportunities, receive an incredible phone call, receive an inspirational message or beautiful e-mail, maybe we’ll help someone in need, brighten someone’s day, be deeply inspired, or just have a sweet ordinary day that we make extraordinary.

At the first sign of dawn, the rays of sun bless the Earth with incandescent warmth & sparkling wonder, the birds sing a perfect serenade, and new hope rivulets through the vibrant blue sky.

Mornings happen everyday and we may think them too commonplace to be worthy of honor or adoration. And they do happen for many of us over & over again and that is a gift.

The birth of a new day – a perfect gift. I read in a book of Tao that most places in the cosmos are not blessed with morning. We, we are incredibly blessed.

Yes, for many of us, morning means we have to reluctantly drag ourselves out of bed, we have a long day of work ahead of us, we have to leave the comfort of our warm blankets and pillows but that is ok. Shake the sleep off and give thanks to this wonderful gift, this incredible present.

Life here begins again at dawn. As my book of Tao says, this is blessing enough. This is happiness enough.

So give your thanks & blessing to this beautiful new morning.

Greet the dawn with veneration and awe!

There is a website called “Meditation Oasis” and the authors create mindfulness meditation mp3’s and generously put them on for free for us to use to guide us during meditation. They have so many, some of them are gratitude meditation, pregnancy meditation for pregnant girls, sleep meditation for children, relaxation ones, and of course, a sweet morning meditation! Check it out!!

http://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/listen-to-podcast/

#34 Morning meditation

It’s intended to get you to breathe in the morning energy and to really become one with the morning.

I believe that in the morning it’s important to be optimistic and positive. Our attitudes and expectations can unconsciously impact the day ahead of us. If you are thankful for a new day and look ahead with wonder and curiosity in a positive way, and expect good things and know you have control for the most part of how your day turns out, an amazing days awaits you!

Everyday is what we make it so let’s make it beautiful! 😉

Here’s to the promise of a brand new day!

😀

“Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

Just another cold, misty morning inviting,

“want to go again?”

– Mary Anne Radmacher

“Begin each day as if it were on purpose.”

– Mary Anne Radmacher

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” ~ Buddha

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive- to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love-then make that day count!”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Now here’s one to get you to chuckle a bit:

“The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.”

― Jarod Kintz,”Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life”

Lol!

Here is a great song by the beautiful Dolly Parton!

Dolly Parton, “Light Of A Clear Blue Morning” Lyrics

“Its been a long dark night

And I’ve been a waitin’ for the morning

Its been a long hard fight

But I see a brand new day a dawning

I’ve been looking for the sunshine

Cause I ain’t seen it in so long

But everything’s gonna work out just fine

Everything’s gonna be all right

That’s been all wrong

Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning

I can see the light of a brand new day

I can see the light of a clear blue morning

And everything’s gonna be all right

Its gonna be okay

Its been a long long time

Since I’ve known the taste of freedom

And those clinging vines

That had me bound, well I don’t need em

Cause I am strong and I can prove it

And I got my dreams to see me through

Its just a mountain, I can move it

And with faith enough there’s nothing I can’t do

And I can see the light of a clear blue morning

And I can see the light of brand new day

I can see the light of a clear blue morning

And everything’s gonna be all right

Its gonna be okay

I can see the light of a clear blue morning

I can see the light of a brand new day

Yes I can see the light of a clear blue morning

And everythings gonna be all right

Everythings gonna be all right

Its gonna be okay

Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning

I can see the light of a clear blue morning

Yes I can see the light of a clear blue morning

Everythings gonna be all right

Its gonna be okay

I can see the light

Its gonna be all right

Its gonna be all right”

Here’s to the promise of a new day. ❤

And I hope you all have a fantastic one. ❤

🙂 😀

X0xo Kim

P.S. Some more lovely quotes to inspire your beautiful life & beautiful, loving heart!! ❤ 😀

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive — to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” ~

Marcus Aurelius

“In the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” ~

Kahlil Gibran

“Morning is when the wick is lit. A flame ignited, the day delighted with heat and light, we start the fight for something more than before.” ~Jeb Dickerson

P.S. Again!!, lol

Thank You sooo so much again to all who like & read any of my blog entries! I truly appreciate each & every one of you! ❤ :-D. You are all so great!

My Smiling Flowers :-D <3

Jan8

In early December, 2012, my sister and me purchased Tropical Orchids in flowerpots to keep in our rooms. After they’re I cut, I read, they live for approximately two weeks if they are taken care of properly. I chose a beautiful pink and my little sister selected a stunning white. I complained that the plants would only live two weeks or less. My sister told me I should just be grateful for the time I would have with the plant. I knew this is true and I was/am grateful, just was somewhat disappointed. I absolutely love flowers, beautiful, vibrant, flowers that light up this world. But I have no experience with them and no knowledge of how to care for them and I have animals that like to eat whatever they can get their little paws on so I rarely buy flowers or plants.

But I couldn’t resist this plant when I laid eyes upon it. And it’s not toxic to animals so I just had to have it.

My sister’s orchid died ages ago and mine is still alive and very, very well! We both took care of them. Watering them and keeping them at the right room temperature. Yet, mine is still going strong. It’s still vibrant and soft to the touch, not crisp, dull, or wilted.

I truly believe that it may have something to do with my positive, cheerful, bright attitude. I know plants are alive and have some sensing abilities. I know they’re not sentient or conscious like animals & humans but they can sense the environment. Everyday, I have a strong attitude of gratitude and cultivate strong genuine positivity. I am sure to lavish love & cheeriness on it and since it’s in my bedroom on my dresser it’s around me when I’m in there and may be detecting my attitude & gratitude & love. Lol. This may sound cheesy or nonsensical to some but I like to believe it! ;-). My sister calls me a “cheeseball” because of my attraction to love & sap & inspiration.

<3. I would recommend anyone to get a plant or flower that is to your liking. They really can brighten up any room and lighten any mood. They are beautiful and full of positivity. Nothing like waking up to gorgeous flowers every morning!

And remember to stay positive & cheerful as much as possible, you never know who (or what) is falling in love with your beautiful smile! 😀 🙂

❤

X0xo Kim ❤