Tag Archive | love

I Hope You Dance

Apr20

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. It’s a rainy Friday night here in Philadelphia which reminds me of a song by Peppers Ghost called “Friday Night in Philadelphia.” It’s a great song but I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere!

I guess maybe it isn’t very popular?

Anyway, the lyrics are something like this “….Friday night, rainy night in Philadelphia…”. I always love when it rains and when it’s raining on a Friday night? Well, that’s what’s up! Lol 😉

I just got home recently. I was at work all night. I also have another song on my heart tonight. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack.

I love, love, LOVE that sweet song. It’s so uplifting, beautiful, and just the sweetest. ❤

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance”

Every word of that song, every line, every little message conveyed through that song touches me deeply, inspires me greatly.

To me, one of the most poignant lines in that song is

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

As most people who know me and mostly anyone who has read some parts of this blog of mine know, I have struggled with severe depression since I was young.

Not for any one specific reason. It runs in my family and some environmental issues have brought it out in me when I was young.

But I made a choice some years ago to take my life back and take control of it.

Some days I still feel that depression, that darkness, that despair, slowly creeping up on me getting ready to pounce any second.

It’s hard to believe I haven’t been suicidal or even thought of it in a serious or semi-serious way in six months. That is truly unbelievable to me. In 13, THIRTEEN years I have NEVER gone for more than four months, and usually not even that long without at least a little suicidal thought sneaking up on me because a depressed mood would sink in even if brief. My depression has always lifted completely for weeks or months for as long as I had it since 13 years old but always came back, to some degree, sometimes for a few days or few months before going again. Sometimes I would not be depressed and have no suicidal thoughts for four months and think I never would again, then depression would hit for a couple days, with suicidal thoughts, then go again and I would be happy for some more months or weeks. But those couple hours or days made it so I couldn’t go straight through without it.

But now? SIX months!!! And it’s all because of me. Because of the work I made a choice to do for myself. Of course I have had much help along the way but I am the main one.

I may have explained this to some extent on here before that there are different degrees of feeling suicidal.

There’s the brief, fleeting thought that ends as quickly as it appears.

Then there’s the ones that linger for a while.

There’s contemplation which is often accompanied by ambivalence.

Then there’s serious contemplation.

Then there’s the plan where the mind is made up for sure.

Then there’s the urges, compulsions where it feels that it has to be done now. There’s no more contemplation or ambivalence or uncertainty. It’s like this is it, it will happen soon or now.

I have felt all of this at various different points and it’s not pleasant. And it’s not a choice.

Actions are usually a choice but the thoughts and feelings are not.

I have learned how to often detect an impending episode that is about to occur and prevent it before it does. I am usually successful with this now.

Today, Friday, I have felt sluggish, almost depressed, in pain, still grieving over the loss of my dog, Koko.

I think of happy memories of her and smile brightly but I still cannot yet bring myself to look at pictures of her. But today I accidentally saw one of me holding her in a Christmas stocking and smiling brightly, four years ago.

I smiled but the pain was so deep. And that added to my sluggish, painful state today. Work cheered me up though and so did the rain.

It’s ok to grieve and to always sense that loss. It’s healthy.

It’s part of living. Part of loving.

I felt true depression coming on and it was about to be the suicidal kind. I can’t say how I know. I just do. After fourteen years of depression, off & on, I just know these things although they cannot be explained. So so badly I wanted to just give in and succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts/contemplation. It was taking too much energy to not give in.

Then these lyrics came to my mind and hit me hard. Right in the gut. Right in the heart as if to say “Come to your senses!”. “Get a grip!”. “Stop this utter ridiculousness!”

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

I will not succumb. I will not give in. I will not give up.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger”

I will be satisfied with, fulfilled, and thankful for all I have but I will still be passionately driven to seek more of life, more knowledge, more opportunities to learn, to live, to love, to help….

I will never lose that hunger.

I will dance.

This song gives me chills.

And I want to dedicate it to everyone who may be struggling for any reason at all, anyone who is coming close to or considering giving up, and everyone who has that hunger and will never ever give up and will choose to dance. Always. ❤

When one door closes, never be afraid to open another.

😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

Just a Happy Post :-D <3

Apr14

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I love all of the seasons and to me the transition of the seasons is so magical. I was walking to work one day recently and looked up and noticed all of the colorful flowers blooming to life on the trees and all around.

And the weather was sparkling and warm and the splendid rays of the beautiful sun were caressing the Earth all around me. I felt as if I have just come in contact once again with a long lost friend who I haven’t seen in forever. It was beautifully overwhelming.

My dog, Koko, died exactly one week ago and since then I haven’t been the same. I have been sluggish and kind of in a fog with no zest or life spark in me. On occasion, I was still able to smile & laugh at things and find joy but it wasn’t the same as it was before my loss.

Deep inside me I couldn’t shake that nagging deep pain. I began to not only mourn Koko but to mourn for part of myself. I haven’t felt completely like myself and felt that I may never get myself completely back again.

That’s also how I feel when my pain disorder flares up severely and when I become severely depressed. But a while after my pain disorder calms and my depression heals, things go back to the same.

I know things will never be the same now because Koko will never be back.

But I also know that after time goes by the edge of the pain will diminish some and grief will heal, although it will never go away. It will become easier to live with and I will have the happiness of knowing my dog when I did.

I have hundreds & hundreds of pictures of her in my phone but I don’t like to look at them just yet. The pain of seeing her so clearly in pictures but not having her here is very deep. It’s heartbreaking.

Today, one week later, I felt my usual life spark again, very brief & fleeting but it appeared. That gives me so much hope that soon I will get back to my sparkling self.

I wasn’t just happy before Koko died; I had this zest & sparkling life all throughout me, pulsating through my veins and blood.

I know I’ll be that way in general again and it won’t be too long before I experience that again but I sure miss it right now.

Today is my furbaby Isis’ birthday! She is six years old and I love her. She was my baby for four years and one of the greatest things in this world. She is so happy and full of life, so energized and playful.

She is a very spoiled girl today! But that is nothing new! I spoil her everyday!

But today she got lots of bones and a toy and a vanilla frosted cake. She was wagging her tail and jumping all over the place!

Also, a few days ago I accidentally came across a sign in a check cashing place, made by a family who had a litter of pomeranian pups that they had to find homes for. Their pom baby had pups and they decided to sell them, not at a pet store but just to anyone interested. Their dog had the pups without them wanting her too. So they had to find homes.

Koko was half pom and I don’t usually see ads for those kind. The ones the family were selling are full breaded poms.

My family wasn’t planning on getting a new dog as we already had three as well as other pets.

And if I were going to look for a new pet I would prefer to adopt one at a high kill shelter to save lives and not support the horror of puppy mills where they are severely neglected, abused, and mistreated.

But when I stumbled across this sign I copied down the info. The family lives very close to us and I knew we would give the puppy a very loving home that s/he deserves if we got one.

But I also knew that my dad would probably disregard the idea. He prefers to only have one or two pets.

I don’t mind more as long as it’s not an insane amount because that’s not good for anyone! Lol

But very surprisingly my dad said if I call for information we can think about it.

So I called the lady and she was very friendly.

And all the puppies found homes except for one little boy who still needed one!

So my mom, dad, and me went to see him and I fell in love instantly!

He is fourteen weeks old extremely friendly and outgoing. He is this big fluffy ball of fur who craves attention and is not timid or scared at all.

My dad said we could have him!

We brought him home and he gets along well with all the other animals.

I love him already, we call him Emmy. But no animal can ever replace another even if the new animal is loved as much just like no person can ever replace another.

My heart still aches for Koko and always will. I miss her so terribly it hurts.

I have also felt very lonely in my grief but I know others feel the same.

Last night I went to a movie with my mom, dad, and sister. We saw “Evil Dead”. It is so hilarious but I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be or not. There are demons calling people “bitch” and stuff and saying “Suck my cock!”. I was lmao!

But it’s also ridiculously GRUSOME! Blood everywhere, body parts ripped off, gore and all.

And I have mentioned in a previous post how that affects me. I have a very strong stomach and do not get queasy over blood and guts on tv or in person but I feel almost as if it’s happening to me when I see it. Yuck! Lol.

But it sure is funny, this movie!  

I’ll be getting ready for work soon.

I love working at the store but recently my coworker and me got yelled at badly! My boss said someone told her we were giving away free stuff to people. That accusation is completely UNTRUE but she believes it and said we will be fired if she hears that again. Which really sucks because someone is lying for some reason and can just lie again!

This isn’t the first day someone lied. We have gotten told about this before.

Since we have no cameras people get away with too much like lying and stuff!

Oh well though, I’m still staying positive! 😀 

 

Another thing I am very happy about is: I was filling out a job application recently for a peer specialist position/training class and on the app where it asks for basic info such as race, name, address, and gender, for gender it has options to check off: Female, Male, and Gender Variant/trans.

I am so pleased that they include other options than just the usual male/female. While most people can identify as male or female, some do not. Some prefer to be referred to as transsexual/transgender and imagine the frustration and exclusion they must feel being forced to check off something that doesn’t completely describe them! All places should be more open to variation/diversity of all kinds.

I know some trans. People want to be referred to as male and some as female but some like to also be known as trans. Some people identify with aspects of both genders while others cannot identify with either and that is all ok.

 

So yeah that makes me happy!

😀

 

I looked down and saw my “Love Life/Be Brave” bracelet earlier and love the feeling I got. This life truly is beautiful even through the pain, sorrow, and misfortunes.

 

I hope you all find/have strength, happiness, positivity, and much hope. ❤ 😀

 

Xoxo Kim ❤

 

P.S. That’s my birthday girl in that pic with me! ❤

Grief is the Price We Pay for Love <3

Apr13

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“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

 

Like I stated in my last post, I am grieving the loss of my dog, Koko, who recently died of old age. I had her for twelve years.

Grief over any loss, human, animal, even something that is not a living thing such as a job, an ability, any senses….is often seemingly unbearably painful and agonizing.

Grief over a loss feels agonizing and is pure anguish. It hurts and is one of the worst feelings in the world.

But it’s not all a bad thing even though it may feel that way.

It shows that we love something deeply and are blessed enough to have known a gift that is so hard, emotionally, to lose.

In my opinion it’s better than living without true love. Living like a zombie or numb to where we have nothing to lose or love. I recently read a quote that says something about not getting too attached to people because that is the cause of grief when they die and not being attached will bring happiness.

I agree that it’s good not to be overly dependent in any way but I disagree that’s it’s good not to get too close to someone out of fear of losing that someone.

That, to me, seems like a secluded, sheltered, lonely existence. Grief hurts. Loss hurts. But it’s still good and brings happiness to be close to living things even though we can lose them one day.

 

Early yesterday morning while it was still dark was one of the more difficult occasions. The pain was extreme. I miss my dog. I wish I were able to hold her again, hug her, and kiss her. Watch her eyes light up and look at me, wake up next to her. It hurts.

 

It was hard for me that morning to take full pleasure in the beauty all around me. There were crickets chirping and birds singing and it was beautiful & lovely but my pain is so great.

 

It felt like it would always feel that bad. </3. I felt hopeless.

 

But I received an e-mail in the morning with some incredibly inspirational & consoling quotes:

 

“There are no hopeless situations;

there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”

– Clare Boothe Luce

 

“You have to accept whatever comes

and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage

and with the best that you have to give.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

 

“If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?”

– Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

“I hope that you walk around the corner

and you get very surprised.”

– Miranda Richardson

 

These quotes are in an e-mail by Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

 

I love his writings and his collection of inspirational material. It’s so mind-blowing, warm but powerful, and incredibly inspirational.

 

Check out his page: http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

 

And another quote I have read a while ago “Grief is the price we pay for love.”. I’m not completely sure of the author but I think C.S. Lewis may be.

 

Grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply. </3 ❤

 

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day/night wherever you are. ❤

 

Xox0 Kim ❤

pet loss & grief </3 <3

Apr11

 

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ve a heavy heart today and am struggling with grief for the last few days.

 

On April 6, four days ago I posted pictures of my two birthday girls, Koko & Isis Summerjo on Facebook and wrote about how my family is going to celebrate their birthdays on Isis’ birthday next week. My furbabies. Both of them have birthdays in April. Isis’ birthday is April 14th and she will be six years old. Koko’s birthday in is April but we don’t know exactly which day. My aunt gave her to us many years ago and mentioned that her birthday is in April.

Koko was fourteen years old this month and we had her for twelve years. On April 7th, 2013, the day after I posted the picture of Koko and wrote about celebrating her birthday very soon, she died. It hurts me to write those words. She wasn’t suffering and she was always very loved. She was old for a dog but that does not in any way ease my grief or sense of loss.

I love animals and to me they are not “just animals”. Koko wasn’t “just a dog.”. She was my friend & my family and a big part of me just like my other three dogs, Oscar, Isis Summerjo, and Boobie are. I have lost other pets to different things and it is always very sad.

For the last couple of weeks Koko began to change in some ways. She became slower and her breathing changed. She wasn’t sick though and she still would eat & drink and was still happy. But I was able to sense changes in her that were not good.

These changes were devastating to me because even though they were not seriously dramatic, I knew they were inductions that Koko would probably not be around much longer.

This hurt me desperately.

I never wanted to be prepared for that loss. Koko slept in bed with me all snuggled up in the blankets next to me or laying on my chest all night many nights.

She always kept her little tongue out. She was so adorable and beautiful.

The night before Koko took her last breath when I walked in my house three of my dogs jumped up to greet me like usual. But Koko did not. She just laid there on the sofa and looked up at me.

This was very unusual for her. She was never a very energetic girl but she would always greet me when I walked in. I knew then for sure that I would not have many more days with her.

Then I woke up in the morning and my mom & dad came in my room to tell me she died shortly before I woke up.

All day that day and all the days after I have been very sad and grieving.

It doesn’t feel the same without her. I have a house full of all kinds of furbabies and featherbabies but her lack of presence is agonizing and obvious.

And one of the worse things is Koko and my other baby, Boobie were extremely close and literally inseparable for over 10 years and they loved each other more than anything else. I have never seen animals with a love like that for each other.

They defended each other against the big bad kitties and they snuggled together all day long. 

Now Boobie doesn’t know what is going on. She doesn’t know where her best friend is. She barks and cries now when she never did before. She shakes and keeps looking in the yard.

For us, at least we know what’s going on. We know what happened to Koko.

And I can try to find ways to cope with it.

We had Boobie since she was a few months old and since then she has never lived a day without Koko by her side.

It hurts to wake up and Koko isn’t there and to lay wrapped in my blankets knowing that’s what Koko loved to do and now she can’t.

I feel sorry for Koko that she doesn’t get to live anymore and that she misses out on all the things she loved. I know she doesn’t know she’s missing out but it hurts just the same.

Almost every night after work I would bring home four treats, one for each baby. All four of them would jump happily and come running over for their treat. I share my snacks with them and break a piece off for each one.

It hurts me now to only bring home three treats and to break things into only three pieces and no longer four.

I am happy & blessed that Koko was my furbaby for 12 years and she lived a long and happy life.

The way I handle my grief is similar to the way I handle my depression. I just go about my days as usual, not repressing or denying my pain, although sometimes I want to.

But I won’t collapse into my bed or the floor and stay day and night giving up everything, although sometimes I want to do that too. Different people handle pain differently and I don’t think one way is better than another. It’s all up to the person.

I have grieved before over people and animals and I find that going to work helps me in some ways. I love being around and interacting with people even through my grief.

I am still able to find joy in the small things. 

A couple days ago I saw someone’s old, half-eaten lunch on the side of the road and I had to chuckle.

And then a young man walking up the street saw me and said “Yeah, I love this weather; girls are all walking around wearing next to nothing!”. And I found myself laughing again.

I recently went to Johnny Rockets Restaurant with my family and a worker there was dancing around to the Oldie’s music with the cooking utensils. It was so hilarious! I actually got one of those good belly laughs!!

❤

I have found that my grief fluctuates in waves each moment. Some occasions are ok or good while others seem unbearable.

I know my sense of loss and my pain will never go away but I will learn to live with it and cope with it after days, weeks, months.

On Sunday, April 14th, we will be celebrating my pitbull, Isis Summerjo’s sixth birthday!!

We always celebrate their birthdays and anniversaries.

They love special treats and Isis loves toys!! 😀

Unlike my other dogs and cats, Isis is extremely sensitive to the environment and aware of everything going on around her. She loves and craves and demands extra love & attention. My dad calls her an affection hog. She is a very large dog in terms of her weight.

She is low to the ground but she is very plump and weighs over 80 pounds. Boy pits tend to be larger than girl ones and she’s bigger than the average boy! Lol! ❤

She loves when we sing to her. And she pushes the other dogs away when we talk to them so that she can get all the lovin’ for herself!  

Last year on her birthday we sang happy birthday to her and she was thrilled!  

Then a couple weeks later my mom & sister sang happy birthday to me on my b-day and she thought it was her’s again! Lol it was adorable!

Recently I got two tennis balls at my work for her as a b-day gift for next week.

I kept them hidden in my handbag.

But Isis goes in my bag and snoops around because she knows treats are often in there.

One night when I went out, I came home and found one of the tennis balls on the floor! She went in my bag and took it out to play with!

Then in the morning while I was sleeping she took the other one! Lol! It’s the cutest thing ever!!

She steals whatever she can get her paws on! ❤

On Thanksgiving my mom made a turkey for my dad, sister, and herself(I’m a vegetarian so none for me) and Isis jumped up at the table and carried off with the entire turkey! My dad was pissed! Lmao!

But my mom got it quick enough!

I know that animals grieve like people do but they don’t know what is going on. I am sad for my other dogs. Boobie especially and then Isis really seem to sense the loss.

 It’s weird not to have her here today and to think that everyday she will not be here.

 

Koko brought us lots of joy, love, and happiness throughout the years and that’s what matters now.

❤ ❤ </3 </3 ❤ ❤

 

I hope everyone is having a good day/night and if you are grieving over a sad loss, you’re not alone. I’m here grieving too. </3 <3. It’s ok to feel angry and sad and devastated and to express it in healthy ways. Not everyone understands how deep someone’s grief over pet loss can be. Many people feel that it is not justified and do not understand the magnitude of pain and loss of a pet. But there are many who do understand. It’s important to care for yourself even during the grief and loss. Sleep when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. It’s important to nourish your body. It’s ok to feel joy or not for a while. You can cry or not or laugh if you want. Your grief doesn’t have to look or feel like anyone else’s or any certain way. My heart goes out to anyone grieving any kind of loss.

 

 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

 

“To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.” 

 

Ellen Bass

 

X0xo Kim ❤ 

 

P.S. Koko is the baby laying on top. The pomeranian mix.

Boobie is the chihuahua mix and that big baby in the other pic is Isis Summerjo!! ❤ 

Spring Lovin’ <3

Mar31

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. For the last few years I have been honored to be invited to my good friend’s house with his lovely family & friends to celebrate the Passover Seder.

On Monday, I attended the Seder. It is always beautiful and inspiring.

I’m not a religious girl but I tend to find inspiration and light everywhere, in various quotes/readings/celebrations/ideas/books/concepts even if they have a religious tinge to them.

One of my favorite readings is the song “Dayenu” (It Would Have Been Enough for Us).

I love the expression of gratitude that is this song.

The message is beautiful. We have so many blessings and even if we had less than what we now have, that would still be enough. We are incredibly blessed.

Also, I love learning about the struggles and pain and then the liberty and hope that people experience. The readings about Miriam are also lovely. She made the choice to go against someone in charge to do what is just even though it was risky.

It’s Spring here in Philadelphia but it does not feel like it at all.

It feels much like Winter and sometimes Fall everyday. It has been raining and snowing. But that’s ok to me because I love love love what many people consider “miserable” weather. Lol!

But my little heart has been longing for some beautiful warm days. ❤

I am incredibly grateful today. A couple days ago I bought lots and lots of amazing books at a bookstore. I have been wanting so badly to go to a bookstore and splurge on some amazing books but I don’t have much money.

But my sister and me got to go recently.

I will post about some of those soon! 😀

In my house, there is a very unpredictable environment. I live with my mom, dad, and little sister. My mom and dad have always, for as long as I can remember, had problems with each other off and on. Yelling, arguing, my dad moving out and coming back, and through the years, even physical violence (my dad throwing things, breaking things…, threats of physical violence..) And domestic abuse on my dad’s part. He has explosive outbursts of anger that he doesn’t care to control or try to get help for so it does get somewhat crazy, I guess you can say, in my house.

And there was recently a trivial conversation with my mom and dad that turned into a big blowup because of my dad.

But that ended and for that I am very grateful.

Here is my list of happy for today!

1.) Spring weather coming soon!

2.) The stars and birds outside my window.

3.) Amazing books

4.) Oldies music

5.) Seeing great friends recently

6.) Friendly strangers

7.) Inspirational quotes

8.) The beautiful sky

9.) Cake :-p

10.) Belly laughs that hurt

11.) Becoming emotionally stronger more and more everyday! ❤

12.) Furfriends. ❤

13.) I have been selected for jury service which I am required to attend on Monday, April 1, 2013!! I got selected every other year since I was 20 years old and now every year and I love it! I don’t know anyone else that I know of who loves being selected and going to the Criminal Justice Center as much as I do! They usually complain and try to do all they can to get out of it! Lol!

But not me! I would volunteer if I could every week or month.

On the “It’s Your Turn” paper it says it’s a privilege to be selected. It sure is! 😀

I always wanted to be on a trial but never even came close to being selected for that until last year! But I was not selected afterall. :-/ I was interviewed in a court room for a homicide case for second degree murder. No death penalty involved.

But the judge decided that the case was too similar to something that happened to me years ago.

What a disappointment!

In this homicide case, a man was murdered by a man with a gun. He was shot and killed for money. Years ago a man held a gun to my chest while I was working alone in a store and he stole money. He threatened to kill me unless I gave him the money. I refused. I know some people think that is stupid and just crazy but that was my decision.

So he demanded it again and I still refused. I did not really believe he would kill me and it was shocking and unexpected.

But then he said if I did not give him the money, he would kill me, take the money and then go over across the street to the bar that my boss owns and kill as many people there as he could. So I gave him the money and no one was hurt.

After he left and I thought about it, I realized that made no sense at all. What would be the sense of killing everyone else after he kills me and gets the money?

Those people had nothing to do with it.

So, I think he just said that to get me to give him it.

I saw something similar in a movie after that happened to me.

A man tried to force a girl to get in a casket to bury her alive. She would not do what he said so he said he would kill her. She still refused so he said he would kill her then kill her friends and family so she had to listen to him.

Then three months later the man who threatened me came back and said he had the gun again and that I better give him the money but that day after three months of thinking about it I said no way. He’s not getting the money.

So I took a step back and walked towards the door and he ran away. Not getting any money.

I wasn’t hurt at all but he was never caught. I got a good look at him but the police never found him even though I tried to help them. The police/detectives were very dedicated and caring and showed up quickly to help.

I have much gratitude for all the hard and often dangerous work they do everyday.

I was asked to go to the detective station and try to identify the man looking at pictures. None of the pictures were of him. All of the police/detectives were all very friendly but one was in a bad mood.

He said bitterly “You keep saying you don’t see him! What if you do see him, will you bother to tell us?!”. I felt a pang of anger surge through me. He seemed to be accusing me of not trying to identify him. But why would I say I don’t see him in any of the pics if I really did? I wanted him caught too.

I don’t want a gun to be held to anyone else.

But my anger melted into gratitude for the detective. This is a man who spends days and nights looking for criminals, seeing so much violence, knowing criminals are on the loose, and putting up with people trying to cover for them and not caring and trying to interfere.

I can only imagine the stress and frustration they must endure a lot of days trying to help people and make the city as safe as possible. So instead of being angry I decided to be more open-minded and try to understand why he would react the way he did.

I try to do that as often as possible. Try to understand why people do and say what they do instead of being angry.

14.) And much, much more.

I love all seasons. I believe they are all so magical and beautiful. And I love how Spring is symbolic of new hope and growth after a long, cold, barren Winter.

At my work we still have Winter hours because of the cold weather but Spring hours will be here soon which means five days a week for me! It gets very stressful but I love the job even though it can be overly demanding.

You know when you have a truly blessed life? When you actually feel happy at the thought of having work that day.

It’s rare that I don’t feel like going into work. And even on the rare days that I don’t usually when I get to work, it’s all good!

I learned a lot by working at a store. Things people probably would never expect about working at an ice cream store.

I learned a lot about people and patience and working under pressure. It’s not an important job at all but to the people ordering ice cream and milkshakes, it’s important to them at that moment and it requires care and attentiveness to people’s needs and desires.

It’s important to be kind to people and caring in all situations.

I definitely believe my job is a great preparation for future jobs

I am here now in my new world of joy and happiness. I still struggle with depression, and feelings of loneliness every now and then but nowhere near like before. It is not as frequent and usually not as bad. And I am determined to stay like this, to never ever go back.

I can’t imagine going back. My depression wasn’t constant or everyday. But it was sometimes frequent. It would lift sometimes for a long while and feel like it would never return. Then it would.

I hope you all have a great day/night! And remember whatever problem you are struggling with, hope and healing is possible! <3. Hold on no matter how difficult!

X0xo Kim ❤

My #1 Goal & sweet reminders <3 :-D

Mar2

Recently at the ice cream store I work at, a sweet, happy, and friendly family came, a mom, dad, and their two little girls. They wanted some milk for the baby’s sippie cup. We don’t usually sell milk but we do have milk we use for the milkshakes so I gave them a cup of milk and did not charge them even though they offered to pay. They also got ice cream and were very pleased with it! 😀

They only spent a few dollars all together. I charged them a little bit less for the little girls’ ice cream because they got smaller sizes than we sell because the girls are so little. They gave me a sixteen dollar tip! A sixteen dollar tip?! Whoooaaa!!! That’s the biggest tip I ever received at once! I was so grateful for their kindness and generosity. Not just because I got extra money but for the fact that there’s people out there who are that giving and friendly and genuinely want to do good for others. They are just very happy and good people. I always appreciate people/customers like that whether or not they give me a tip. Their friendly smiles are enough for me. 😀

This incident reminded me of my number one goal.

To be the best me I can be.

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day/night wherever you are!

❤

X0xoKim ❤

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To Do List

Feb5

Image✓ Sing out loud

✓ Write

✓ Smile at people 🙂

✓ Make eye contact

✓ Think positively

✓ Find little doses of inspiration everywhere I look

✓ Be kind

✓ Smile 😀

✓ Draw

✓ Paint

✓ Read & share uplifting quotes

✓ Laugh until it hurts

✓Love

✓Count my blessings

✓ Hope for the best

✓ Imagine

✓ Write a gratitude list

✓ Do something that brings me immense joy

✓Meditate

✓ Bring hope and light to someone in the darkness

✓ Be silly and not care what people think about it

✓ Be me. ❤

✓ See the best in myself & others.

✓ Look for beauty in any form everywhere I can.

✓ Be uplifting

✓ Be lighthearted. ❤

✓ Give.

✓ Be an excellent listener.

✓ Seek to understand.

✓ Be empathetic

✓ Be compassionate

✓ Be a true friend

✓ Perform a random act of kindness

✓ Inspire

✓ Seek to be inspired. 

✓ Embody love. ❤

✓ Be mindful.

✓ See the world with wonder & awe & gratitude

✓ Write an inspirational & uplifting, anonymous letter containing positive quotes and messages, fold it up and leave it in some random place like a bench in a park, an empty seat on a bus, on a step…for a stranger to find.

✓ Take lots of pictures

✓ Be happy

✓ Eat delicious food.

✓ Be light. Be love. Be true. 

✓ Dance

✓ Empower myself. ❤

✓ Focus on the goodness.

✓ Contribute to the world.

✓ Be thankful

✓ Be aware of my senses.

✓ Be friendly 😀

✓ Breathe

✓ Notice the simple things.

✓ Stay calm even in difficult and chaotic situations.

✓ Inhabit my body.

✓ Be.

✓ Be the best me that I can be.

✓Live. ❤

Serendipity <3

Jan25

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         I often hear people speak of technology dependence and write about it and how technology actually controls us instead of us controlling it. Some people have a true and serious problem either bordering on addiction or actually being a full-blown technology addiction of some sort that may require professional treatment.

      But even many of us who do not have actual addiction still have some degree of emotional dependence on or attachment to it.  

      I never wanted to admit that about myself. I wanted to believe and claim that I just love it and use it because it’s there and it’s so helpful, fun, and just amazing. I wanted to tell myself and everyone else that I would be perfectly ok without it for a while, I would miss it and mourn it to some degree but that’s all. 

    Then one day recently I had a rude awakening. My dad drove me to work and I got out to open and I left all of my most cherished possessions in his car. My phone, my books, my bag, my iced coffee… I told him I would be right back for them, he said ok, and that quickly he forgot and drove off taking all of my stuff with him.

      All my stuff- gone. My initial emotional reaction was anger. “How could he have been SO STUPID?!!?”. “How can he do this to me??!!”. “WTF?!”. Then came the fear, then the shock, then panic, then grief and mourning. Trembling hands and even chills. Then a kind of sickness dwelling in my chest. I always knew my books and my phone are a significant part of my life. But at this moment I realized just how much a part of me they are. How intertwined I am with them. My phone goes everywhere I go and so do my books. Sometimes I hold them even when I’m not currently using them. Even when I cannot pay my phone bill and my phone service is temporarily discontinued I still have my memos, my music, my pictures, everything else and I know it will eventually be back on. I never even really got my phone for the phone part or text part anyway. I wanted it for the handheld internet and other aspects of it. I don’t literally use my phone every waking second but I know it’s at my fingertips whenever I want it.

      But that day at work my phone was gone. All of my writings, my passwords, my quotes, my songs, and pictures, my books, and I had no way of contacting my dad because I don’t know his number, it’s in my phone contacts, and he lost his phone recently.

      I was sorry all of that stuff was gone but it wasn’t just about that. It’s something that runs deeper than that. I couldn’t pick up my phone or my books when I wanted and the thought of that frightened me. It was unusual, outside my comfort zone. For a few hours at least I was going to have to live outside my comfort zone, the life I knew before and move into a new zone I am not used to. I don’t always have a problem adjusting to change, especially when it’s positive change but this revelation was shocking at first! I was going out of my head, headed for an emotional meltdown. 

   Thoughts raced through my head. “What if I literally go insane?”. “What if I get bored out of my mind if it’s slow today even though I don’t usually get bored?”. “What if I have an amazing idea and cannot write it into my phone?”. “What if I cannot handle just not having the stuff that is constantly with me?”

      Anyone would be disappointed, to say the least, about their stuff being missing and not having all of their info. Anymore. But these thoughts and reactions I was experiencing, to me, seem like signs of a somewhat unhealthy habit or emotional dependence, maybe a kind of insecurity. As soon as the thought of emotional dependence and insecurity crept into my head, I lied to myself right away. I told myself I was just afraid someone would break my dad’s window and steal my stuff. And I would be disappointed, that’s all. 

   I told myself I was disappointed, just a little bit unhappy about the whole thing, that’s all. I did not want to admit it but there was no getting around the truth. It was beyond disappointment. It was beyond mere unhappiness. It was a nightmare. I have been unconsciously viewing certain inanimate objects of mine, such as my phone, as an extension of myself. “Not just my phone, part of ME!!”. Partially because all my writings and helpful quotes are on there. I admitted it. Hard as it was. But they are not me. I am me. I am whole without my phone, even without my writings. To lose that is painful but I will survive.  

      This experience introduced me more intimately to a deeper part of myself. I realized I had unhealthy habits that were scary and I was able to admit that after a while and be strong and am able to overcome. To prevail.

      I don’t have a severe, full-blown addiction like some people so for me it was easier to handle and overcome it. Not everyone can do this without some sort of help.

      I realized I have to examine myself more to see what I am too attached to, what I am viewing as extensions of me that are in fact, not me but external objects of mine.

      I realized so much of me revolves around objects that can easily be lost. I use my phone to write my ideas and share them with people. To store pass words and info that connects me with people. I use my books to read and to better myself. But I can and will be ok, even amazing without my stuff. That’s all it is. Stuff.  

      I can come up with more great ideas even though the ones I may lose are irreplaceable. My brain can generate more greatness. Phones and books can be replaced, they can help but they are not required. And I don’t need them to live. To breathe. To be.

      There are moments I will want to and be so tempted to lie to myself about scary and unpleasant aspects of myself. But I must resist that urge and be truthful and admit so I can work on those potentially detrimental parts of me.

      I must accept, change, and heal. This I can do. This I will do. I will continue to use my stuff and love it but I will control it and my thoughts. It will not control me. This experience taught me to look even deeper within me and observe, analyze, and admit parts of myself that I may deny or neglect. I am grateful for this awakening. It brought me closer to me. Quickly made me stronger when I came to realize I am all I need.

      The only one, the only thing I can count on to make me whole and always be with me is myself and I am enough.

 

   Also this experience pushed me outside of my routine ways. At work when I’m not busy, I usually read my own books and use my phone. But because that stuff wasn’t there then, I decided to explore the books and magazines my manager has there. I found really great stuff! In one magazine I found:

Love Letters Cares

http://loveletterscares.org/#2822

 

An organization that gives people the opportunity to make positive, uplifting, and inspirational cards for kids with life-threatening illnesses. I’m so happy I found this and I will make cards. Every kid deserves an uplifting card to make him/her happy and show someone cares!

      This taught me to go out of my way more to try new things. I love trying new things and learning new things but I don’t always go out of my way as much to actually look for opportunities to find something new. I often just take the chance when I see it but I will be searching more now to see what I can find! I love it when a seemingly negative experience turns out to be a beautiful thing!

❤

Xox0 Kim ❤ 🙂 😀

 

 

P.S. I got all my stuff back at the end of my work shift! It was still a great day without it!

Parakeet Paradise <3

Jan16

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My dad has three beautiful parakeets, two girls and one boy. Lennon & Dylan are the girls and Elvis is the boy. They are so adorable and do the cutest little things. My dad read that they get to know people and their routine schedule and they like to follow their schedule everyday. They have two cages, a small one and a large one filled with food, water, perches, mirrors, toys…

The cages are kept open morning until night when they go to sleep so they can come out and fly around. We make sure there’s nothing that is a threat to them. And they have two ladders hanging close to the ceiling where they fly up and play. To some people’s surprise, they actually like being in their cages and choose often to go in on their own sometimes to play with their toys and sometimes just to sit on their perch and rest.

They also have a swing that they swing real fast on! It’s so adorable! They each have unique personalities. Elvis is the largest. He has a big cute belly and he likes to keep his feathers unkempt. Lol. And he loves to get away for a while and sit in the smaller cage on a perch all by himself. I guess that’s when Lennon & Dylan get on his nerves! Lol. Dylan is the least afraid of people but she still is. At first she wasn’t but she picked up the slight shyness to people that the others have. They’re not afraid when people are near but they don’t want to be held by anyone. But they fly very close to us. Lennon loves her ladders and her mirrors! They all get along very well and they love each other. They are very loving little birdies. One of my favorite things is when they kiss each other real fast over and over and over! It’s so amazingly adorable, I’ll have to get it on video one day when I can catch them in action and have my phone ready! Lol And another favorite of mine is when they are on their swing, swinging very quickly! It’s so cute & funny!

They follow each other around and interact with each other very frequently.

They are all beautiful colors, Elvis & Lennon are vibrant green and yellow and Dylan is pastel while and blue.

These little birdies are nature’s inspiration. Just watching them is awe-inspiring.

I often wonder what they’re saying when they chirp so frequently and if they use the same chirps to say the same things again later and if they always understand the chirps of one another. But I like the little mystery of wonder and not exactly knowing.

 

They don’t seem to mind getting their picture taken but I always turn the flash off when taking pictures of small animals such as birds because I heard that the flash can hurt or even kill them somehow.

 

I’m blessed to be able to walk into Parakeet Paradise every day!!! 😀 ❤ 🙂

 

X0xoox Kim ❤

Just saying THANKS and also bragging just a little! lol ;-)

Jan16

Hello everyone!!  I appreciate each and every one of you!  All the readers, the likes and shares, the lurkers who may appreciate my blog content but not comment, my followers who I have recently found out about, all the people who comment…..ALL of you.  As you may know I mostly use my mobile phone and cannot see everything I can see on a computer.  For example, I cannot see my spam folder on my phone.  I have just recenly begun using my dad’s computer sometimes and i noticed my spam folder on here which I never even realized exists until tonight,  I found 27 messages in there, many of which are not spam at all but actually extremely kind and warm, friendly messages about my blog and me.  So I unspammed the messages branded as spam and approved them.  I was able to respond to some but my connection isn’t very good tonight on the computer.  Whenever I see a message I will ALWAYS respond and NEVER ignore and I will never take long to respond.  Every person deserves a response and I appreciate all comments and everything even if you don’t agree with me on everything.  So I promise to get back to each and every one of you very soon when my connection does not suck! lol  I believe part of blogging is responding to readers’ comments.  And it often seems rude not to acknowledge people who are kind enough to take the time to contact someone.  I am not extremely computer savvy either so sorry for any mistakes or anything or if I accidentally miss something. Thank You all!  And i just got to see what my blog actually looks like on a compter and it’s really quite pretty! lol!!  I love the lovely color and beautiful flowers and stuff I see.

Much love and appreciation to all of you!!! ❤  🙂 😀 ❤

x0xo Kim ❤ 😀