Tag Archive | quotes

For the Love of Antiquarian Books & Things Touched

Feb22

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“Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.” ~Author Unknown

I love old things. Very old things. Used. Worn things. Especially books. Old books are beautiful. Not just the content but the physical oldness (lol) of them. The fading covers, the crisp yellowing pages, the broken spines with loose pages….everything….

“A good book on your shelf is a friend that turns its back on you and remains a friend.” ~Author Unknown

I prefer old books over new books. In college I used to intentionally buy used books. And unlike most students the main reason wasn’t the reduced prices. It was because I loved that someone had it before me. I loved the highlights and little side notes in the margins. Sometimes I found them helpful but mostly I just loved seeing what people wrote and highlighted, knowing someone previously walked the journey before me. In high school I loved seeing the years and names listed on the back covers, especially when the years listed aren’t even of the same decade I had the book.

“You know you’ve read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend.” ~Paul Sweeney

I remember sitting in class laughing with other students as we looked at our textbooks at the list of names next to years long gone, and talked about how students used those very same books in years that we weren’t even yet thought of.

The more tattered, marked up, the better.

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“A book must be an ice-axe to break the seas frozen inside our soul.” ~Franz Kafka

“Lord! when you sell a man a book you don’t sell just twelve ounces of paper and ink and glue – you sell him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour and ships at sea by night – there’s all heaven and earth in a book, a real book.” ~Christopher Morley

Old books.

One of the things I love most about them is the fact that through the years and decades they have been touched. Touched by various people, various lives, various breaths, the pages flipped by the fingers of people I’ll never meet. Words, concepts, sentences, comprehended by brains I’ll never know, books held in the arms of people who lived through years long gone. A world gone away. I wonder at the fact that the very books I hold in my hands were once part of someone else’s life. Someone who lived over ninety years ago.

I imagine my touch embracing the touch of people who felt the pages I feel now. My fingerprints lacing with old fingerprints that may still be on the surfaces, forever etched upon the yellowing pages before me.

I imagine the wonder that may have surged through curious brains long ago while devouring the words, tears that may have caressed the pages at night, thoughts that pondered the content, emotions that swirled like magic, giggles that echoed through the air, sadness, happiness, joy, and fascination that breathed while people read, felt, and cherished the books that are still around today.

I always loved the idea of old things. Old, beautiful things, used things that previously blessed the lives of various people, before making it into someone else’s hands.

“The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television.” ~Andrew Ross

And I don’t just love literal old things but even modern or new things made to look or seem old, things with an old feel to them. A nostalgic, reminiscent tinge. I love modern books which take place way long ago. Just lovely.

“Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures.” ~Jessamyn West

I recently realized I have a few very old books. There’s this used bookstore in Center City, Philadelphia called “Book Traders” and I love it! Especially the personal development, philosophy, and Psychology sections.

Sometimes I just grab a whole armfull of books that seem appealing to me. I found that I have a few very old ones, a couple 1940 ones and one 1913, and one 1920 one. And probably more laying around somewhere. I have so many books and online books on the Kindle, links, and pdfs that I don’t get around to reading them all yet and some I forget about until coming across them later.

I bought none of these books because of the age but because I find the subjects genuinely interesting but I’m sure if I saw a super old, inexpensive book somewhere with a topic I care nothing about, I would purchase it “just because.” lol

I found one last night in my dresser I never knew I have til now! I found myself giggling because it’s an American History book that was published in 1912 and updated in 1913. It’s faded, yellowed, crisp, and falling apart somewhat but still in great condition for a book of that age. Most of the pages are not falling out. It’s funny because so so so much has happened involving the U.S. Since then and it’s interesting to see it so incomplete. It’s funny to think how important that book was back then but how useless in an educational context, it is now. It’s so underdeveloped. It’s difficult to explain in words. It just seems so simple next to now. Our President Taft was president back then. And our President Wilson.

I know in 100 years though, when someone picks up one of our history books now, it will be so incomplete. So useless, educationally. And there will be new history books packed with so much more than we can imagine right now. Maybe in years to come, in the way distant future, someone somewhere will hold one of my books in her hands and giggle, her fingerprints joining mine on crisp, yellowing pages.

Anyway I been thinking about it a lot today and it reminded me of another book I read. A book I planned to write about here but never have yet. A breathtakingly beautiful but devastatingly heartbreaking novel. Published in the 70’s, It takes place in Ohio during the years just after the “Great Depression.” It’s called “The Bluest Eye” and is written by author, Toni Morrison. It’s about a little girl, Pecola, and how she struggles with self-esteem/self-worth issues because of the way society treats African American people. She’s an African American girl, around eleven years old, who desperately desires blue eyes. African American girls were often made to feel less beautiful than white girls and it was ingrained into them that blue eyes and light skin are worth more than dark eyes and dark skin. I know some of that sentiment still lingers today and it’s very real and detrimental to those who are affected by it.

Then this little girl suffers a serious tragedy.

It’s heartbreaking that throughout her whole life she suffered unjust racial discrimination and also her peers, even ones of her own ethnicity, excluded her. In the book, she’s considered to be less than beautiful, not just because of her skin/eye color but all of her features. And her family isn’t very well liked by the community people.

All she wants is love and acceptance and a feeling of being worthy. And no one gives her this or helps her see her true beauty. She is convinced that a pair of blue eyes will give her meaning and beauty.

And she’s convinced that it’s possible for her brown eyes to turn blue.

Her family struggles financially and also with domestic violence.

There’s a scene in a candy store where this sweet little girl wants candy and she’s afraid to ask. She knows the man won’t care for her. He’s rude and abrupt and impatient and treats her as if she’s nothing. It’s heartwrenching.

It’s amazing how the absolutely brilliant author, Toni Morrison, portrays the characters, so real and has the ability to convey the depth of the emotions and feelings experienced by them.

Throughout the book, I felt that I was able to identify so strongly with the characters in some ways. I wasn’t alive in the 1940’s, I’m not a child, have never experienced discrimination based on my race, and although I have experienced financial difficulties, occasionally, it’s not to the degree that this little girl’s family experiences it in the book. They are practically living on the streets sometimes. I can’t possibly know what most of those things are like. But the author is able to reach through all that and poignantly convey the very basic humanness of the little girl, Pecola, and the other characters. She conveys the longings and the needs, the heartache and suffering. The kind that is felt to some degree, at some point, by most living humans.

So many things struck me while reading. Like how sometimes our comfort zones are more comforting to us than the unusual even when our comfort zones are painful, chaotic, destructive, horrifying, and miserable. Even when the unusual is more sane and calm than our traumatic but familiar routines. Sometimes we can’t handle being out of our comfort zones or usual routines and become restless for what we have always known. Sometimes when all is quiet and calm and serene, we may find ourselves not only yearning to go back to what we know but actually intentionally bringing on trauma and drama and horror just because it’s what we’re used to, and actually finding some kind of twisted comfort in it even though we don’t want it and it’s not good for us. The chaos, the pain, the trauma and drama somehow fills a sense of emptiness in us that the lack of it all creates.

There’s so much in this novel I believe most of us can identify with in some ways no matter what decade we grew up in, no matter our skin color or culture, class status, financial situations, age, or any situations….

It’s beautifully and poetically written. It inspires me. The lady who wrote it is mind-blowingly understanding, empathetic, and amazing at writing it. When I say empathetic and understanding I’m not merely talking about compassion and caring. That too but I’m referring to an even deeper ability to get into the heads of certain kinds of people, create characters in ways that are so very realistic.

She gets in the heads of perverts, sexual predators, bullies, prostitutes…and portrays the human side. She writes of the awkward, painful, uncomfortable aspects of life and brings to life the characters who are responsible for the devastation and the people they impact.

She depicts their monstrous sides but also their human sides. She tugs at our heartstrings, seemingly tempting us to feel for these characters, to see their humanness, their basic, essential, marred innocence, daring us to identify with them in some ways. But never justifying their atrocities.

Her writing is beautiful. In an astounding way.

There’s a character in the novel who is a pervert. He’s mentioned earlier in the book but readers don’t know yet at that point that he’s really a pervert so I won’t mention this character’s name to avoid spoilers. I’m going to quote some things about him out of this book after readers find that he’s one. So in case you haven’t read the book and are reading this, planning to read it, I will not write his name.

The quotes here won’t give too much away but if you don’t want to know then I would recommend you stop reading here. I’m not giving the ending away or any big shockers or anything.

I find the description of the pervert to be very beautiful even though it’s dark and awkward and uncomfortable, and to some people, quite disturbing.

Lines taken out of “The Bluest Eye” by Toni Morrison:

“Once there was an old man who loved things, for the slightest contact with people produced in him a faint but persistent nausea. He could not remember when this distaste began, nor could he remember ever being free of it. As a young boy he had been greatly disturbed by this revulsion which others did not seem to share, but having got a fine education, he learned among other things, the word ‘misanthrope.’ Knowing his label provided him with both comfort and courage, he believed that to name an evil was to neutralize if not annihilate it. Then, too, he had read several books and made the acquaintance of several great misanthropes of the ages, whose spiritual company soothed him and provided him with yardsticks for measuring his whims, his yearnings, and his antipathies. Moreover, he found misanthropy an excellent means of developing character: when he subdued his revulsion and occasionally touched, helped, counseled, or befriended somebody, he was able to think of his behavior as generous and his intentions as noble. When he was enraged by some human effort or flaw, he was able to regard himself as discriminating, fastidious, and full of nice scruples.”

&

“All his life he had a fondness for things – not the acquisition of wealth or beautiful objects, but a genuine love of worn objects: a coffee pot that had been his mother’s, a welcome mat from the door of a rooming house he once lived in, a quilt from a Salvation Army store counter. It was as though his disdain of human contact had converted itself into a craving for things humans had touched. The residue of the human spirit smeared on inanimate objects was all he could withstand of humanity. To contemplate, for example, evidence of human footsteps on the mat – absorb the smell of the quilt and wallow in the sweet certainty that many bodies had sweated, slept, dreamed, made love, been ill, and even died under it. Wherever he went, he took along his things, and was always searching for others. This thirst for worn things led to casual but habitual examinations of trash barrels in alleys and wastebaskets in public places….
All in all, his personality was arabesque: intricate, symmetrical, balanced, and tightly constructed – except for one flaw. The careful design was marred occasionally by rare but keen sexual cravings.”

&

“He abhorred flesh on flesh. Body odor, breath odor, overwhelmed him. The sight of dried matter in the corner of the eye, decayed or missing teeth, earwax, blackheads, moles, blisters, skin crusts – all the natural excretions and protections the body was capable of – disquieted him.”

I just love these descriptions. The beauty, the concepts, the words, the substance. And you don’t have to be a creepy pervert or a misanthrope to appreciate the simple human aspects of life, the residual human touches, footprints on a doormat, an old coffeepot that someone else’s coffee was made in long ago, scents that linger on objects, a blanket that comforted someone through the night, a typewriter that someone else’s fingers created a masterpiece with….even the dark parts and the bodily descriptions are beautiful. They are part of life.

I know many people are totally, utterly grossed out by the thought of many people touching one thing and touching what countless strangers have touched. It probably makes some people’s heart skip and not in a good way. But I just find it beautiful.

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I wish I could tell little Pecola that she’s beautiful. She IS beautiful. Her brown eyes, her dark skin, her innocent ways…everything. She’s beautiful just as she is. She doesn’t need blue eyes or fair skin. She’s perfect the way she is. I wish I could embrace her and tell her she’s beautiful in and out. All little girls and women should be encouraged to feel beautiful and worthy and encourage other girls to feel beautiful and important as well.
I wish I could have been in that candy store to help her pick out her candy and inspire her to be a happy, innocent little girl filled with joy just looking at the candy. Just like little girls should feel.
I found myself shattered by this novel. Beautifully shattered.
Characters in fiction aren’t real in our world but they do exist in the worlds of books, stories, writings, movies, in the brains and imaginations of all the gifted authors/writers.
And they are real in some strange sense.

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I strongly recommend it to anyone who loves novels, drama, profound messages and depth and beauty in writing.

“A good book has no ending.” ~R.D. Cumming

There’s another book I read and wrote about here called “314” Book II in a trilogy and in the book one girl is able to put her hands on any object and see everything that previously happened involving that object, even years ago. She can touch a pen and see who else touched it and she can touch walls and see all that happened within the confines of those walls. It’s overwhelming so she keeps her hands in her pockets a lot. I don’t believe in psychic stuff like that but I love the concept. It reminds me of life all around and how some parts of us still remain on the objects we touch and live on long after we do.

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“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” ~P.J. O’Rourke

(LOL!)

It reminds me of all the mundane things we take for granted, all the simple things that make up our lives every single day. The things. Things that contain our breaths, fingerprints, scents, particles, sweat, tears, imprints…..

“My test of a good novel is dreading to begin the last chapter.” ~Thomas Helm

“I adore the feeling of being completely taken in by a book. When the tears of joy or sadness wet your cheeks. When you snort with laughter in a crowd and when you shout at the pages in anger.” ~ Unknown

Xoxo Kim

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Imagine falling head over heels in love……<3

Feb13

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With yourself……

Here are some sweet quotes for you to get you in the mood for some good self-lovin’!!

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

Yes! All of us have qualities and things we are not and things we don’t have. We can’t all have and be everything. Often, many people place so much value/importance on the things they aren’t and overlook all that they are.    It’s easy sometimes to believe that “the grass is greener on the other side.”. We get so wrapped up in the things we want or want to be or wish we were that all of a sudden those things seem really, really important to us. More important than anything
else . If we aren’t thin or believe we aren’t, thinness becomes so crucial and like the most important thing someone can be.   If we aren’t very educated, education can seem so important and we begin feeling so low about not having a great, advanced education. If we aren’t financially independent or well off, we can start noticing all the people around us who are and it seems so important. If they aren’t very popular or in a romantic relationship,  many people of any age, feel like that’s all there is to life and feel empty and low about not having that. But no matter what you are not or don’t have, you DO have other great things and you DO have other great qualities. Focus on those and realize that having all those other things won’t make you more important than you are now.  Bask in your own beauty. Cherish all that you are. Embrace yourself.

By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before. ~Edwin Elliot

Yup!   We are all different. We all have unique abilities and gifts to offer the world just by being and sharing our true selves. If you weren’t you or you were not in the world, amazing things would be missing. We all probably have people who are similar to us in certain ways but no matter what similarities people have, each person puts her/his own unique spin on them.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”
Oscar Wilde

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection. ~Buddha

There is so much love in your heart that you could heal the planet.
~Louise Hay

Even when you are angry, even when you’re fearful, even when you’re depressed, ungrateful, regretful, sad, broken, anxious, grieving, confused, all mixed up, paralyzed in unpleasant emotion, you are still loving. Even when you don’t act on that love. Even when it’s masked in bitterness and negativity and drowned in sorrow and fury and pain, it’s there, deep inside. And you can learn to allow that love to break through all those layers of pain and fear and stand strong against it all.   Even when you’re in pain, you can think about the people, animals,  and things you love and let love speak and act, not those other, painful emotions. When you feel like lashing out unnecessarily, think of love, when you feel like hurting someone, remember love, when you feel like abusing yourself verbally or in any way, summon your love, all the love you Retain.

You are as amazing as you let yourself be. Let me repeat that. You are as amazing as you let yourself be. ~Elizabeth Alraune

This is so true.   Allow yourself to be amazing.  Focus on your positive qualities and embrace them, express them, accept them no matter what anyone else says or thinks. Create your schedule everyday to allow yourself to tend to your own needs and desires. If you want to read, draw, paint, write, sleep, exercise, play…..Whatever you want/need to do for yourself, it is important for you to do that. Don’t neglect it or yourself.

I wonder why it is that we so often imprison ourselves in the opinions of other people. There can be no punishment worse than conspiring in our own diminishment. ~Dawna Markova

For the most part, it’s not really that important what other people think and say about you.   Your own opinion is mostly what counts. Whatever they think, whatever they say, be happy anyway.   Love yourself anyway. You know you.   That’s all that matters.

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. ~Joseph Campbell

You are blessed to be you. You are blessed to exist. You could have never been born. One little thing could have been different and you wouldn’t be you. One person could have not met another and you wouldn’t be here. Think about it. Think of all the ancestors in your biological history, all the people who led to you, all the ones whose blood runs through your veins, how they met, how they took chances, how they lived, how it all worked out so you can be you. Think of all that happened, all those who lived so you came to be. What are the chances! It’s incredible!   You probably have your pain and problems now and then, you probably have to put up with nonsense, people you would prefer not to know, now and then but think of all that this life allows you to have, do, see, BE.

Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. 
~Kurt Cobain

If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works. ~Louise Hay

When you build a strong foundation of love for yourself, you will still have your problems but they’re easier to tackle and cope with.  Everything is easier with a true friend by your side, yourself!

If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

Vincent knew what he was talking about here! Just go for it! So what if you’re lousy at it! Maybe you’ll get better with practice. Maybe not. But as long as you give it a go and have fun, it’s all good, right?! ;-D.   Whatever it is, try to think of it more as a journey than a destination. Have fun during the process. And don’t place too much on the end result. If you want to paint or draw, have fun. So what if it’s not a masterpiece. It can be your  own little gem to remind you how much fun you had creating it and how you had the courage to try.

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Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality. 
~Les Brown

You know what you are. Character above reputation. Character is you. Reputation is what people say/think about you.   

The average estimate themselves by what they do, the above average by what they are. ~Johann Friedrich Von Schiller

Right on. What is inside IS important. While it’s also important to act on it, it’s still important what you are inside. You may not always be able to act on it or always have the opportunity and occasionally, maybe you’ll act out of character but you’re still you inside and it still counts for something.   

It is never too late to be what you might have been. ~George Eliot

True!   No matter your age, you can still do many things you wish you did sooner.  As long as you live you’ll keep getting older anyway whether you do what you want or not. So go for it!

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Xoxo Kim 😀

Every Woman Has A Name <3

Jan27

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“I may not go down in history
I just want someone to remember me
I’ll probably never hold a brush
that paints a masterpeice
Probably never find a pen
that writes a symphony
But if I will love then I will find
That I have touched another life
And that’s something
Something worth leaving behind” ~ LeeAnn Womacku

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So, my love for Alice Cooper is no secret! Anyone who is my friend on Facebook, knows me in person, or has read my previous posts here, knows that I am deeply inspired by the man and his amazing ability to turn agony and the dark side of life into something beautiful through words and music. The man is my hero.
I loved him since I was a little girl. But back then his music to me was mostly all about fun and entertainment. When I grew into a young woman, his songs helped console me during my own emotional anguish and struggles with mental illness and loneliness. The older I got, the more I discovered the depth of inspiration his songs provoke in me and how great pain can contribute and lead to beautiful experiences and creations.  
Alice’s songs shed light on topics that many people don’t want to even think about.   Dark topics. Abuse.  Agonizing emotional pain and psychosis.  
He also sings of broken love and unrequited love. Many of his songs are inspired by his own life experiences.  
The song I have on my heart right now is, “Every Woman Has A Name” by Alice Cooper.

“You were so beautiful
Like a child so young and full of life
Seems a hundred years ago
You saw everything
So much more tragedy than good
You even watched the world grow cold
And even when your world was shakin’
Even when your breath was taken
Even when your blue eyes turned to gray
Small town debutantes and queens
Every woman has a name
Cocktail waitresses with dreams
Every woman has a name
And every girl whose love survives
A broken heart to stay alive
You signed your picture in the frame
Every woman has a name
You had your love affair
Some were perfect but most of them were pain
Seems a hundred years ago
It took you to the highest hill
Left you standing frozen in the rain
But you still feel the afterglow
And even when your world was shakin’
Even when your breath was taken
Even when your blue eyes turned to gray
Housewives cryin’ on the phone
Every woman has a name”

I love this beautiful song & the message. It’s so true! Every one of us is someone. We all have a story. A story that can deeply touch others with a positive impact. There will always be people who tell us or imply that we aren’t “good enough,” not “pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough….” There will be those who say we should live a certain way, think a certain way, feel a certain way, be a certain way or we are “less than” or “not worthy of…”. Some of these message are explicit and some are more subtle. But all are detrimental and hurtful.

The most important thing is to know your authentic self. Your inner self. What do you genuinely think, feel, believe, desire, need, crave, know? It’s more important to honor that than to give into the psychological abuse of others, society, and the media telling you how you “should” be.

It doesn’t matter if you are:

A Housewife, stay at home mom, single, career woman, waitress, rich girl, struggling financially, have an impressive job, have no job, homeless, have lots of skills and talents, just a few, or none, have lots of friends and family or no friends or family, small, thin, big-boned, overweight, curvy, struggling, broken, sick, disabled, limited, have clear radiant skin or not, feel loved or not, young, middle aged, or old, educated well or not, you are someone right NOW, always have been someone, always will be someone.
You don’t need anything or anyone more than yourself to have value, to be someone, to be beautiful, to love yourself. You don’t have to look a certain way or dress a certain way.   You don’t have to go to college or have lots of money, you don’t have to have any special skills or have the best of everything. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they make the best of everything.   You don’t have to be anyone’s definition of perfect. You can make mistakes and Learn.

One of the biggest struggles of my life has often been devastating feelings of worthlessness and looking for self value in people & things outside of myself.  
I often believed if I had “a better job,” “lots of friends,” “better grades,” “more money,” “more people who like me,” “more accomplishments,” “a big, perfect house….” I would be better and be worthy of everything good. I looked to external factors to give me purpose, to make me beautiful, to make me someone. 

But that doesn’t work. People & things can contribute to my happiness but they can’t make me worthy or not worthy of good things.   They don’t give me purpose and a lack of them doesn’t equal a lack of purpose. I am someone with or without them.

I have to look within, into the deepest depths of me to know of my purpose, to see that I am, always have been, and always will be someone just by being me. And that goes for you and everyone.  

“Like the pine trees lining the winding road
I got a name, I got a name
Like the singing bird and the croaking toad
I got a name, I got a name
And I carry it with me like my daddy did
But I’m living the dream that he kept hid
Moving me down the highway
Rolling me down the highway
Moving ahead so life won’t pass me by” ~ Jim Croce

Your job doesn’t define you, your financial situation, your weaknesses, your illness, your friends, your disability, your limitations, your education, your grades in school, your quality of work, your weight and physical appearance, the pain you feel, the opinions of other people, your losses and failures, none of this is who you are. You may feel sometimes or often that these things define you but the true you is within.

“I’ve got a song, I’ve got a song
And I carry it with me and I sing it loud
If it gets me nowhere, I go there proud” ~ Jim Croce

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No matter what heartbreak you have experienced, you can heal even if you’ll always have the scars and memories.

What are your values, virtues, loves, strengths, your inner truths? Honor them and don’t dwell on your shortcomings or less pleasant qualities or situations. Learn to love yourself, your true self unconditionally no matter what anyone else says or thinks about you. 

I know who I am. I am not perfect. I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world. But I’m one of them. Mary J. Blige.. (I think this is a great attitude for every girl to have, that you are one of the most beautiful women in the world, not just physically but personality too, know who you are and embrace your “flaws.”)

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“You know the future’s lookin’ brighter
Every morning’ when i get up
Don’t be thinkin’ ’bout what’s not enough, now baby
Just be thinkin’ ’bout what we got” ~ Eddie Money

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“Oh-oh, rich man, poor man, now
Really don’t mean all that much
Mama’s always told you, girl
That money can’t buy you love” ~ Eddie Money
“If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide” ~Enigma

“Don’t care what people say, just follow your own way.” ~ Enigma

Life is without meaning. 
You bring the meaning to it. 
The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. 
Being alive is the meaning.
– Joseph Campbell

“At one point you may realize you will never be good enough for some people; the question is, is that your problem or theirs?”

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before. ~Edwin Elliot

Self Esteem begins here: anyone who does not like you is an idiot. Really -aren’t they? You are gorgeous, talented and fabulous. ~Chellie Campbell

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection. ~Buddha

Here is the links to Alice’s song:

Desktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGKhy8gh_VI

Mobile: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PGKhy8gh_VI

Also, two of my other favorite songs who inspire me are Jim Croce & LeeAnn Womack. I quoted some of their lyrics above and here are the videos to their songs.

Jim Croce’s “I Got a Name”
a song about having a dream and being proud just for trying even if it’s never realized.

Desktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06zOrHRh-gY&app=desktop

Mobile: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=06zOrHRh-gY&app=m

And LeeAnn Womack’s “Something Worth Leaving Behind”
A song about how we don’t have to be famous or extremely talented to be important, just loving people is enough.

Desktop :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqTT59h9aLg

Mobile: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=awawjH_CqOgX0

Xoxo Kim

P.s. I hope you will always remember and honor your own name and know your own value even when you’re struggling.

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Sunshine :-D

Jan7

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 “My dear,
In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back. 
Truly yours,
Albert Camus “

Hello Sweethearts!!!

Today is an extremely cold day, here in Philadelphia, PA, USA and many other places.   I heard that in some places it’s the coldest day in 102 years!   :-O
I love cold weather. I love all the four Seasons and when they’re in the process of changing.   But I keep thinking of all the people who don’t love cold weather, ones who are at a disadvantage when the temps drop dramatically. There are people who are devastated and in mortal danger when the weather is severely cold and bitter.
People and animals who live outside, people who struggle with certain mood disorders that exacerbate or appear throughout cold weather, ones with pain disorders which flare up in the cold…and just people who outright loathe cold weather like this.
I hope all of the homeless people are off the streets now and that everyone stays safely warm during this extreme coldness. I hope that everyone will find the strength & comfort needed to endure any pain that may be going on.

And if you need a little extra sunshine today, I would love to send you some!    :-D. And if you can, I hope you will send it along to someone else who may need it!
Here are some lovely quotes for you! 🙂

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.

John Ruskin

“Love, whether newly born, or aroused from a deathlike slumber, must always create sunshine, filling the heart so full of radiance, thAt it overflows upon the outward world.”
Nathaniel Hawthorne 

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says “Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”
Lewis Carroll

Spring passes and one remembers one’s innocence.
Summer passes and one remembers one’s exuberance.
Autumn passes and one remembers one’s reverence.
Winter passes and one remembers one’s perseverance.
Yoko Ono

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”

[Meditations Divine and Moral]
Anne Bradstreet

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

And

Remember, if there’s no stars or sun, shine your own light on the world!

Here’s a tip I read for staying warm:

Whenever coming inside from the freezing outdoors, remember to shiver and say “brrr.”

Lol I read it on “The Onion” silly newspaper. ;-p

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The Wound Is the Place where the light enters you

Jan3

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“There stood Beethoven, gravely ill and totally deaf.  Eyes closed, he kept conducting the orchestra even after they had ceased their performance and the audience had risen to its feet in thunderous applause.  As a singer stepped from the choir to turn him around to see those whose shouts of bravo resonated throughout the convert hall, tears of elation filled his eyes.
Perhaps the worst loss a composer could experience had been the catalyst for a remarkable adaptive creativity that allowed him to transcend his tortures to become immersed in the thrill of conducting the premiere of his Ninth Symphony, the ‘Ode to Joy’ “
(Pearsall, Paul (2003). The Beethoven Factor: The New Positive Psychology of Hardiness Happiness, Healing, and Hope. Charlottesville, VA: Hampton Roads Publishing, p.xi.)

Have you ever read this before now? It’s beautiful,isn’t it? I was introduced to this true, short and sweet story when I picked up the book, “The Joy of Appreciative Living” by Jacqueline Kelm. I seriously recommend this book! It is great! The author helps us develop and strengthen the habit of seeing the good in life. She provides steps to exercises that we can engage in to really ingrain the habit into our heads. It has great reviews and testimonies. But her steps should not be taken loosely if you want true effectiveness. We must work at in seriously and be dedicated. I believe it helps to not view this as a hassle or boring task just to get the results. It benefits to view it as a joyful journey that will eventually lead to greatness and evolution of the self.

The book, “The Joy of Appreciative Living,” has a forward by David Cooperrider and Mr. Cooperrider provides the above story about Beethoven. He explains that Beethoven became extremely successful “not only in spite of but because[emphasis added] of the way he related to his adversity.” He was able to rejoice in this moment and inspire all who experienced this with him and discovers his story. 
This is a great lesson to all of us. Any painful or difficult experience we endure can be used as the catalyst for positive change. Because of our pain, we can become even better, wiser, stronger, and more enlightened than we would be without that painful experience. Disabilities of any sort, health issues, losses, any difficult or painful situation can be used to our advantage if we allow it and work with it.
When we’re currently experiencing pain, we may not be able to see how this can possibly benefit us. But if we think back to previous painful situations that contribute in some ways to better us, we can keep hope and strength alive that this, too, will somehow be advantageous to us.
You can be creative with your situation and think of ways that this difficulty can actually be your strength and inspiration. Then work to make that happen.

Going out to intentionally look for pain is not the best idea someone can have.
But as long as we live, some kind of pain is probably inevitable for almost everyone. So let us take that pain and use it to evolve in any ways we can. We can build on ourselves and develop a greater sense of wholeness. Pain can help people be more empathetic and compassionate to others. It can help us acknowledge and appreciate the simple treasures of life.   It can provoke us to change our whole lives around for the better.
So if you are experiencing pain or any difficult struggles, keep in mind that even though it may not feel this way now, you can take that pain and run with it, own it, and be better for it.

Whenever I am hit with a severe episode of clinical depression I let that be my reminder of how much better I am than I used to be. I no longer contemplate killing myself when I’m severely depressed because I worked on myself intensively to better myself. And now when an episode hits, no matter how severe, throughout the episode, I generally have hope that it will end and I keep in mind how strong I have become.

It’s extremely painful but I am able to use it and view it in a positive way.

Own every step you take.
Let your pain make you better, not bitter.

Fifteen Happiness Killing Habits

Jan2

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Here are some little habits that I believe get in the way of happiness & joy and cause unnecessary stress. I have done all of these and I think many or most people probably do a few of these every now and again. I think we should not make these things into serious habits and if they already are a bad habit for us, we can “unlearn” them. With practice, we can learn to avoid these happiness killers and cultivate positive habits instead.

1.) Overly comparing yourself with others
This is something so many of us do constantly.   I used to do this so much. We look at people around us, people on Facebook & blogs, coworkers, celebrities, peers, family members….and see how much “better” we think they have it. Everyone lives at their own pace and even some people who seem to “have it all”  are often unhappy and people with very little material objects & things can be very happy & fulfilled. If you catch yourself comparing yourself negatively to others, it may benefit you to stop and remind yourself of a few things that are going right for you and make that a habit until eventually the negative comparisons will mostly stop. Let us be inspired, motivated by, and in awe of other people’s successes and not jealous or depressed over them.  It’s better to focus on being better than your previous self, not better than someone else.  Dwelling on feeling low about your own life or self won’t help you. Change what you can if you really want to; it’s worth it! And accept what you can’t change!   Let you & your life be your own kind of beautiful! 

2.) Dwelling on or obsessing over what other people think 

It’s ok & healthy to care to a certain degree what others think of us but it should not be so important that it stresses us out or takes over our lives, making us deny or repress our true selves.  Everyone has good things & bad things, people who like them and people who don’t. It’s good to just focus on being our true selves no matter what.  What YOU think of you matters most! 🙂

3.) Putting happiness on hold until the “perfect” moment or until something big happens.

Often, we feel that we can’t or won’t be happy or we can’t celebrate life until….we have a better job, more money, lose five pounds, have kids, get married, graduate, get a work promotion, go on vacation, the weekend, next year…..and it’s ok to want and work for all of that but we should never let it take away right NOW.  Ordinary occurrences, days, & moments are just as important and are a true gift. Let’s not lose them for something “bigger & better.”
Wear your favorite earrings, your favorite clothes, buy yourself flowers, NOW!
 Celebrate NOW. Celebrate you.  Celebrate life itself.   Be happy NOW!.   ;-D

4.) holding onto grudges 

Almost everyone has been or will be hurt in some way by someone else. It may be a small way or in a significant, tragic, life-changing way. I don’t believe that forgiveness is always necessary but whether or not we completely forgive, we should not let what someone did to us, destroy us. We can let go or find ways to cope with the hostile feelings we have for people who hurt us and not dwell on the person or incident.   Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean believing what the person did is ok, it means we choose to no longer let it have a hold on us.
You don’t have to love or accept the person, just let go for yourself. And accept yourself!

5.) getting wrapped up in trivial arguments/not letting things slide 

Some things really have to be confronted but many things can be let go before anything even begins…maybe a rude comment made by someone, a stranger pushing you out of the way on a crowded bus, someone accusing you of being wrong about something trivial when you know you’re right, someone trying to start a frivolous argument with you….these things can often be brushed off and are often not even worthy of your attention.  Definitely stand up for yourself, express yourself, have a backbone but there’s no need to blow things out of proportion. Some things can be ignored so we can move forward and get on with our lives. 
It may appear to be a “weakness” on your part or like the other person got over on you but I believe just the opposite. When you can maintain your composure and keep calm in and out that is a true strength and no one got over on you! When you get all worked up and furious then someone got over on you. Even if you punch the person in the face or yell insults, you let your anger get the better of you.

6.) doing things for people just for “credit” or appearance or for something in return 

Being “fake” and acting kind & friendly to people just for a certain reputation or to get stuff out of it is likely to leave someone feeling unfulfilled. If you really just don’t care about being kind to people, helping others, maybe you can find something else you love instead of putting on a show. Doing something you don’t like, pretending to be someone you aren’t can make you feel hollow inside.   Emptiness is an unpleasant emotion. And as the saying goes, it’s better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not. It’s so true, imo.
I think we should help others because we genuinely want to even if no one knows and even if we don’t get tangible rewards out of it. Helping people is beautiful!   And helping animals too!

7.) being too concerned with money

It’s ok to want & work for money but it’s not the best thing in life, in my opinion anyway. There are more fulfilling things, like rewarding jobs helping people or ones that are fun and interesting, even if they are low paying jobs. We don’t have to be stacked to be happy! ;-D. We can do volunteer work or paid word that is truly rewarding. This is just my opinion. I think some people feel like they need money to be happy when if they look within themselves they’ll see it’s not so true. But if someone really is interested in money more than anything and has no problem with that and is fulfilled anyway, that’s ok! Whatever floats your boat! 
:-D. As long as you’re truly fulfilled!

8.) Dwelling on lack  & loss instead of abundance & gratitude 

We all lack something & will eventually lose something.   And we can dwell on that if we want to. But we also have so much to be grateful for and can dwell on that instead! 

“You can cling to your loss or learn to dance again.”
This can be difficult but it is possible with practice & a positive frame of mind. 

This quote helped me tremendously when my grief over the loss of my dog was overwhelming me, many months later. I think it may be a biblical/spiritual quote. I’m not religious or anything but I still find beauty and inspiration in some religious/spuritual stuff. I still have difficulty coping with the loss of my dog in April 2013. But it helps me to focus on what I do have.

You can work for more while still Acknowledging and appreciating what you currently have.

9.) being stuck in the past or obsessing over the future

Remembering & planning is good. But we are alive now and should not let our past imprison us either by regretting it frequently or mourning it and we don’t have to fear the unknown of the future or put happiness on hold for it.

10.) resisting the flow of life/reality

We should definitely work to make things better. But life will always be happy & sad, positive & negative, pleasant & unpleasant & joyful & painful. That can’t be changed. Not all bad can be eradicated. Some things just have to be accepted for peace of mind. We should in no way ignore or deny negativity or pain, just accept it and embrace it when it can’t be changed.

11.) taking life too seriously.

Some things just have to be laughed at, joked about, and let go. Everything doesn’t have to be a big thing to get angry over, stress over, break down over & held on to. Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff! 😉

12.) perpetuating gossip/drama:
Even if you yourself aren’t into gossip & drama, as long as you live and interact with people, at one point or another you will probably encounter someone who spreads gossip about you or tries to bring drama to you one way or another. I see so frequently on Facebook, usually girl’s, posting statuses like “She’s talking shit about me again..blah blah blahhh…” & “Shut your mouth instead of blabbing stuff about my life….” & “People are talking so much about me and I’m tired of the drama….” & “I want to punch her in the face or bitch slap her….”.
Some of these girls probably really are innocent “victims” of someone gossiping and being dramatic and want nothing to do with it and are just venting  but when I see statuses like that I often think that many of these girls secretly like being the “victim” of it or engaging in it and they want everyone on their list to see that they have something going on in their lives. They often don’t post names but just allude to someone. If you really don’t like gossip & drama, I believe that it’s best not to even post statuses like that at all and either ignore the gossipers & drama queens or confront them in a calm civil manner & just focus on being a great person yourself. Even if you don’t post names, you’re still engaging in & perpetuating it. I don’t mind seeing these statuses at all, they have nothing to do with me and I can always block or “x” the person’s posts out if I want. People can post whatever they want on their account but my point is that negative girly gossip & drama can stress us out & in my opinion isn’t at all attractive or interesting. Those have to be some of the most boring statuses I have ever read. But some people really take pleasure in them. Whatever floats your boat! :-D. I’m not innocent of those posts, I have posted a couple some years ago on rare occasions and it brought me nothing good.

13.) Harboring excessive or delusional guilt: Sometimes we may feel guilty when our lives are going well and tragedy has struck somewhere else. But repressing our own gratitude will not help in any way. It’s ok to be happy even when others aren’t. We can have empathy & compassion for them and reach out to them while still embracing our own lives.  
We don’t have to be “in their faces” with how great it’s all going for us but we don’t have to feel guilty and repress our own happiness either. We can find a healthy balance when being around people who are suffering when we are not.
And if you unintentionally hurt someone and are truly sorry, forgive yourself even if that person doesn’t.   We all make some kind of mistakes.   And if you hurt someone intentionally, still, you deserve your own forgiveness. You can learn, realize you were wrong, and move forward with true intentions to not hurt people on purpose again. 
You cannot take responsibility for the entire world or everyone you know. Go easy on yourself.   You can’t do everything, cure everyone, or help everyone.   Just be the best you that you can be without trying for some objective sense of Perfection.   

14.) Obsessing over/attempting perfection :

No one can be perfect in everyone’s eyes and even if we could, we shouldn’t try, in my opinion. We should just consciously be our authentic selves. Perfection is actually subjective for the most part. What’s perfect to me may not be to you.   Why be my definition of perfect?   Or Society’s? Or your friends’, family’s, or lover’s? Making some compromises to be compatible with others is sometimes a very good thing but denying your whole true self or most of yourself for someone else is detrimental to you. You are just as important as anyone else.

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein 

15.) Treating yourself horribly/thinking/talking negatively in reference to yourself:  

Many people mistreat themselves terribly in ways they would never dream of treating others. They verbally abuse themselves frequently with words like “Stupid,” “fat,” “loser,” “no good,” and the list goes on…..

Would you call your best friend “fat” or your mom? Do you constantly call your friends “stupid” not just in a playful way but seriously to offend?   Probably not. And you shouldn’t do that to yourself!   You are no less than anyone else! Instead when you catch yourself calling yourself insults or thinking negatively about yourself whether it’s true or not, think of how you can work on yourself to change for the better.  If you really think you’re stupid see what you can do to not feel that way. And when you think of Negative words about yourself, then think of three or more positive qualities you possess. And if there’s ones you would like to have but feel that you don’t yet have them, think of ways you can work on yourself to develop or strengthen them. But don’t abuse yourself. 
I have worked hard to change certain ways and things I think about me. Years ago I constantly referred to myself as a “loser,” “piece of shit,” “worthless,” “taking up more space then I deserve in this world,” and I would frequently say and think things like “I would rather be dead!” or “If that ever happens I will die!” 
Now I do not say or think those things. Not even in jest. It’s not funny and even as a joke it may unconsciously bring me down.

Habits can be intentionally and unintentionally learned and ingrained.   And they can be un-learned with practice and conscious application.   It is definitely worth the work!

“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.”
John Lennon 

If you have any you would like to share, you can post in the comments section! I would love to know! 😀

Thank You!!!!!!

Much love & happiness to you!

Xoxo Kim

Happy, Happy New Year 2014 Everyone <3

Jan2

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“…time is the New Year’s bountiful blessing: three hundred sixty-five bright mornings and starlit evenings; fifty-two promising weeks; twelve transformative months full of beautiful possibilities; and four splendid seasons. A simply abundant year to be savored.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach (excerpt out of “Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy)

Hello loves!!!!

I hope 2014 will be a beautiful year for all of you! 2013 was good for me and I will make 2014 a great year too!

I believe I have the power within me to choose if I will have good days or bad days. I cannot always choose what happens to me but I can generally choose my reactions, my thoughts, emotions, and my attitude and not let negativity and pain drag me down.

I can make healthy, positive choices that will have great results!

This is something that can be learned, practiced, and applied. Eventually it can become an ingrained, general habit.

Even when our physical environment is chaotic and full of craziness, we can maintain an inner calmness.

I realize this more than ever that bad things happening in a day, even bad things all day long do not have to result in a “bad day” or a very bad mood if I don’t want them to. And even lots of “bad days” do not have to mean this is a “bad life.” It’s all how I choose to look at it and no matter how many bad things occur, I can choose a Good day and A mood of Gratitude.

Negative things will definitely affect me but I won’t let them keep me down for too long. I want to be impacted by things, good and bad, because I want to live in feeling and not numb. I want to take full advantage of being alive.

I don’t want to put up barriers or walls and not let the world in. I open myself up & welcome the universe into me. Life will always be good and bad, beautiful and ugly, pleasant, joyous, and sad. We can work to change things but the fact is that good & bad will always occur.

2013 was great even though there was some sadness & pain.

One of the greatest things that happened this year is I was able to go the entire year without one serious suicidal thought or urge.

I have struggled with depression off and on, sometimes more often than not, through the years. I would be happy for a while then it would return.

I can’t get over it! I never get used to it. Like when someone is sick, like a sore throat or some other common physical illness and finally the sickness wears off and the person feels amazing and is conscious of not being ill but eventually that consciousness wears off and the person goes back to old ways not even thinking of not being sick because we’re always so used to not being sick. We take it for granted.

But I can never get used to wanting to live and not being depressed. It’s astounding everyday. Through the years, since 13 years old, when depression would lift, this is the feeling.

I’m always so conscious of not being depressed and not being suicidal. I feel it in everything I do.

And I will be the best me I can be for everyone and for myself and for the Universe.

I am blessed. (not in a religious way. lol)

I maintain a life philosophy that I have to turn to whenever things are difficult or painful. It’s a philosophy that says life is always a true gift no matter how painful or hard it is and that I can conquer whatever comes my way, and be happy again. And it’s all about love and compassion for everyone, life itself, and myself. Even when I fall and forget or ignore my life philosophy, it’s ingrained in me enough so I always come back to it. I may falter or fall but I will always get back up and stand firm.

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

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The last week of 2013 was just beautiful. I got to spend Christmas Eve with my mom & sister then at night with my friends and some new people I have been blessed to meet that night.

I also met a group of men on Christmas Eve who were listening to Oldies music, my favorite! It was a warm & sunny day and a crisp, cold night. How perfect! The men were funny, sitting outside a house with “The Temptations ” blasting and I told them I love it and they told me. To “get out of here” and playfully told me I’m too young to know about Oldies music! Lol! Oldies music is my world! ;-D

I love meeting new people!

Then last night, New Year’s Eve, I spent the night with a few friends and my sister. We went to a Vegan restaurant. It’s the first year ever in my whole entire life that I fell asleep before 12:00am and did not watch the ball drop or throw confetti to welcome the near year! I was exhausted!! Lol

Here are some happy thoughts for you this year:

“Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.” — Walt Disney

(be silly, cheerful, youthful….)

“Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.” ~
Jack Kerouac

(even when your life can be better, it’s still a blessing, you still have so much good and there’s always hope for better things if you need them!)

“Enjoy the simple things.”

(don’t forget to bask in the beauty all around, the sunrise & Sunset, the beauty of the snow & rain, the flowers blooming, the crisp leaves, the feel of hot tea streaming down your throat, warm fluffy blankets, a place to live….the simple treasures are true blessings.)

“Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are.”

(it’s ok to vent, complain, and acknowledge the negativity you have going on but it’s best not to dwell too much on that and instead focus on the good you also have. At any given moment we can think of a long list of reasons why our lives suck but at that same moment we can think of a long list of reasons why our lives are amazing.)

“Have no fear of Perfection, you’ll never reach it.” ~ Salvador Dall

(you can try to be your own kind of perfect but you’ll never be perfect in everyone’s eyes; no one will be. Some people fear success; maybe they fear being successful then losing it all so they never even try hard to begin with. So do the best you can for you! Forget about achieving some illusion of ultimate perfection. Have fun, be joyous, let go!!!)

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” ~ Nelson Mandela

(it’s great to take chances even if you fear failure or rejection. It’s better to live, love, and lose than never open your heart up! The choice to do nothing out of fear is a a choice that holds you back.)

“If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. The world needs more of that.”

(it’s good to do little things to brighten someone’s day! A kind word, a friendly compliment, a warm smile, a pleasant surprise, an unexpected gift, express gratitude….)

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must but take the step.”

(take that first step! Even if it takes a while, keep going…..you’ll never ever get there without that first step.)

“Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” ~Bil Keane

(we can use our past to learn and help guide us, and we can be hopeful for our bright future but let us not forget the true gift of NOW! Remembering the past and planning ahead is great but it’s not good to get too wrapped up into it. Now is important.)

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice.” ~T.S. Eliot

(don’t let your concept of the past or the future restrain you or hold you back! Whatever happened before now and whatever may happen later, doesn’t matter for how you can be now. You don’t have to bring old detrimental ways into the new year or a new day. And you don’t have to let fear of what is to come or what may come hinder you.)

“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” ~Tom Peter

(yes!!! No matter how little of something there is, celebrate it! Gratitude & appreciation seems to bring more things to be grateful for and more things to appreciate!)

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

(Today, whether it’s the first day of the new year or not, is a day you can start over if you want, hold the pen to your own story, you are in charge of your life!)

Much, much love, happiness, joy, & blessings to you all!

Xoxo Kim 😀

And then a hero comes along with the strength to carry on….

Dec31

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“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” (Mayor Pappas, “City Hall” movie quote)

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I struggle with a severe chronic facial pain disorder. It’s bad. And currently incurable with no known definite effective medical treatments.

“Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us.” ~ Charles Kingsley 

There are some treatments and home remedies that help sometimes. I’m not always in agony but I do have flare ups now & again that are just pure, raw agony. Agony beyond belief.

“Pain can be endured and defeated only if it is embraced. Denied or feared, it grows.” ~ Dean Koontz 

A kind of anguish that brings me to the point of despair.  I can’t believe my body is capable of experiencing so much physical anguish.   I can’t believe anyone can endure this.   It’s incomprehensible. It’s the most physically painful experience of my life. 

“While there’s life, there’s hope.” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

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And when this happens, sometimes I feel that I’m wishing I were dead. But as I have also mentioned, I also struggle with a severe depressive disorder that strengthened me and enlightened me. It awakened me.

“Today I will see something positive in all situations.”

I have developed a life philosophy that helps me see that life is a true gift no matter what. No matter the wretched agony I am currently enduring.

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

So last week in the middle of the night, lonely & grieving over the loss of my previous state when I wasn’t in as much pain, I thought I wanted to be dead. It was a very brief thought.   But I soon realized that it wasn’t true. It felt that way for a few seconds. And I remembered my own life philosophy that I have invested so much in, building and nurturing and maintaining.   All of the things I learned. All of my strength & inspiration.

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops at all.” ~ Emily Dickinson 

And I kept going, kept telling myself life is good and I kept my hope alive that my severe pain would end or somehow I would learn to cope even though I couldn’t even begin to imagine how anyone can cope with this.  It’s just so agonizing.  

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” ~ Albert Einstein 

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It’s like the worst throbbing toothache anyone can ever have along with an earache & sinus ache all rolled into one all over my face and head. Just throbbing for hours or days almost nonstop, around my temples, eyes, jaw, sinuses, ears, shoulders, neck…. I was going out of my head, not knowing how anyone can live that way.  It takes an emotional toll on me.

“Hope is the little voice you hear whisper ‘maybe’ when it seems the entire world is shouting ‘no’.”

I was pacing the floors. Running in and out of rooms, wanting to scream and scream into the night until my throat was raw but my mouth wouldn’t open because my jaw locked.   I was devastated, furious, nearly to the point of insanity.  

“I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.”
Dalai Lama 

I am not an angry person, never have been. I rarely get furious and when I do, it subsides very quickly and I don’t deny or repress it but I almost never act on it physically other than civilized verbal/writing outlets, just telling people about my anger. I don’t yell or curse people out or cry and hit things.   I don’t ever feel like doing that. Not because I think it’s wrong or because I’m too shy, timid, or meek.  It’s just not in me to be like that, to express anger that way.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
Epicurus 

But when this flared up last week, I was furious. I wanted to yell, scream, break things.   I wanted to throw whatever inanimate objects I could get my hands on and watch it break into a million Little pieces.   The way my body felt.

“Hope is the dream of a waking man.” ~ Aristotle

I did not want to hurt any living creatures. But I sure wanted to destroy objects. But I couldn’t because it was too hard to move. I could hardly open my mouth. 

“Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment.”
Napoleon Bonaparte 

It took a lot to not crack my head against walls. 
 Not out of anger but out of near insanity because of the pain and just having absolutely no idea what to do. It was driving me mad. I stood at the wall struggling not to crack my head against it.

I kept telling myself that when the horror ends if it ever does, I won’t even feel relief or gratitude until later, the first thing I will do is throw things and break things (alone so no one else has to witness or suffer) to release the fury I couldn’t express while it was happening. I felt like I wanted revenge.  Revenge on the pain itself. It makes no sense because the pain is not a sentient thing with consciousness. But it’s what I felt.

I kept reading stories and facts and poetry about chronic facial and head pain disorders. And I just couldn’t fathom the pain we feel. The agony we’re forced to endure.   It brings me comfort to read about these disorders, to know they are acknowledged at least by some people and knowing someone somewhere understands.   I love how we can take the tragedy of pain and turn it to beauty with poetry, drawings, songs….And if I could, I would take on all the facial and head pain in the world so no one has to ever feel what I feel. I can’t even begin to imagine someone else having to endure this. It’s unimaginable. Devastating.

TMJD headaches, Migraine headaches, cluster headaches (also know as “suicide headaches” because they bring people to contemplate or attempt suicide), Trigeminal neuralgia (also known as “The Suicide Disease” because it drives many people to contemplate and even attempt suicide to stop the pain)….

“When you come close to sellin’ out,
Reconsider” ~ LeeAnn Womack

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It was so extremely difficult to focus on anything other than my pain.   It is torture. It’s hell. But I kept telling myself, life is still a gift. I will still go on. Hope kept me going.

HOPE.

I realized then even more, how important it is to develop a life philosophy.   A specific, firm outlook on life. So when things get difficult and devastating, we have our own life philosophy to fall back on. My life philosophy is all about love & compassion for others and myself and that life itself is a blessing no matter what and if I really try, I can find hope & strength deep inside to keep on going. I believe that no matter what terror and pain I encounter and endure, no matter how much pain I must experience, either physical or emotional, I will eventually conquer it and keep going and still be happy in general. And pain will strengthen me & teach me. Even when it currently does not seem that way.

“Take that first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”

There’s always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for, something to smile about, something to look forward to….things can be handled positively. Life itself is pure blessing. 

Life.

I don’t just tell myself this occasionally. I live it. Every single day.  I write about it, meditate upon it, find quotes, books, writings, people, blogs, videos…that support it, nurture it, confirm it.

“Some people see a hopeless end, others see an endless hope.” ~ Unknown

I keep up on it constantly. In good and bad, beautiful, ugly, painful, everything, it is my life.

It’s a conscious, intentional decision, habit I have formulated. It often comes naturally to me but sometimes I have to force it, remind myself to maintain it even when it’s so difficult. 

If I really try, I can summon those hopeful feelings.

I have little lapses now and then where I falter or fall and forget or ignore my life philosophy that I have established.   It goes right out the Window.   But it’s ingrained enough in me that I always come back to it. Find it once again. 

“I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today.” — Og Mandino

I heard of this goal or project people do every year. They choose a word for the new year and make it a point to constantly live up to that word everyday for the whole year. I never felt compelled to partake in this activity because there are various words, not just one, that I intend to live up to.   Hope, gratitude, compassion, love, ALWAYS LOVE, kindness, honesty, inspiration, strength, positivity, HAPPY, optimistic, HELPFUL, the list goes on && on….Many of these individual words contain multiple other words… and I don’t want to only plan on living this word for one year but for always.   Forever & for always.

“And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you” ~ Mariah Carey 

But if I were to choose a word for 2014, it would be HOPE. This is something I need. It’s something I have been feeling so much of lately.  And when I feel that my hope is gone, I remind myself that it’s just temporarily misplaced, not forever lost.

Hope keeps us going. Even a small slither, a tattered string, a frayed thread can be enough…..

“When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit –
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.” 

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I find it usually more difficult to live in hope when I’m deeply depressed than when I’m in a lot of physical pain. Physical pain & illness often feels hopeless but it can also instill in someone, a strong, fierce will to survive, to do whatever it takes to live. Depression, true depression that isn’t just a low mood is often the opposite. It often saps the will to survive, the desire to do whatever it takes. So it’s extremely important to remember and keep reminding ourselves over and over that depression feels hopeless but it’s not. It creates lies and delusions that things are forever hopeless and can never get better and that life isn’t worth struggling for.

 “The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”

But even with the severe agony of depression, it’s possible to have some sort of glimmer of hope, enough to keep going.   We may have to work harder to tap into it, to believe it. But it’s possible!

“Embrace your challenges with an open heart because through every challenge, strength forms.” 

I even bought a notebook recently, on one of the days my pain disorder was at its worst.   On the front cover it says “Live in hope.” and I bought a candle holder that says “HOPE.”

I found both of these accidentally but at the perfect moments. A perfect coincidence.

“I hope to stand firm enough to not go backward, and yet not go forward fast enough to wreck the country’s cause.”
Abraham Lincoln

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Sometimes I can’t be happy and I can’t be completely positive or cheerful or pain-free but I can have hope. Hope for something specific or just a general state of feeling hopeful. 

“You are not the victim of your body. ” ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup

And even if the thing I hope for can’t or will not happen, I can have hope for something just as good or something even better. I am surrounded in hope. Filled with hope.

“In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man’s torments.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Even though it benefits us to have hope though, it’s detrimental, I believe, to put off current happiness & peace of mind hoping for something better or hoping for something impossible. Hopelessness isn’t always despair; sometimes hopelessness about something we know can’t happen or won’t happen, is just acceptance and liberation, then we can move forward hoping for better things.

Hope should be exhilarating and motivational and inspiring, not something to hinder us, keeping us in invisible shackles. So when we find what we have been hoping for just won’t happen, we can move forward to new hope. Live in hope.

“We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.”
Aristotle Onassis

“A Picture of Pain”
by Bear Peterson

“I tried to paint a picture,
Of how I really feel.
But I could not find the colors,
To make it all seem real.
Not one color was hot enough,
To show the burning pain.
Not one color bright enough,
To make me wince again.
Not one was dark enough,
To show the isolation.
In the end saw one thin line,
Worn, frayed and almost broke,
To my mind that one thin line,
Is a single thread of hope.” 

(poem about migraine headaches)
– See more at: http://www.ahmablog.com/2013/05/ellen-draft-3.html#.UrsePZpOnHw

Much happiness, love, & comfort to you all. I hope you find healing if you need it. And if you are struggling with any kind of pain, temporary or chronic, physical or emotional, please know I am very understanding.   I can’t know, literally, how you feel, even if we have the same thing because we are two different beings, but I have some sort of deep understanding and much compassion.

“You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear” ~ Mariah Carey
Xoxo Kim

P.s. When the worst of it finally ended, I felt relief & gratitude and did not throw things, scream, and break stuff. ;-D

“Be happy not because everything is perfect nor because everything goes your way. Be happy because everything sucks but you are doing just great. “

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“You could go the distance, you could run the mile, you could walk straight through Hell with a smile.” ~ The Script

Laughter, here, there, & everywhere ;-p

Dec15

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“If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.” ~ Jimmy Buffett

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Mark Twain 

Laughter & amusement have always come so easily to me. Ever since I was a little girl, I laugh so much at everything because I’m genuinely amused. I find dumb jokes hilarious & laughing is the thing that got me in trouble the most in school because I laughed at other kids being bad.  

I laugh a lot when I’m by myself also. I love my own company.  
I love being around lots of people but don’t mind being alone every once in a while.

I remember random things that happened years ago, like when I fell in someone’s throw up in fourth grade in the coat room at the end of the school day and my mom was so disgusted and had to wash all my stuff, and I burst out laughing. I find the same jokes & movies & memories hilarious, over and over.

And I’m not just talking about a little chuckle!   I’m talking about full blown belly laughs that hurt and just won’t end.

It’s a true gift. But it does get me into trouble when I laugh in inappropriate situations.  

Bittersweet. 

When I saw the movie “What Happens in Vegas” in the theatre I laughed so hard, so long that I literally believed I was going insane.   Lol. And it did not help that back then I just got out of a mental hospital right before seeing the movie! I thought I was losing it…..again! lmao

But it was a very healing experience. 

When I saw the movie “American Reunion” in the theatre with my friend, everyone was laughing at some scenes and I was the one laughing long after everyone else stopped. Uncontrollably.   Embarrassing. Lol

I can even be genuinely amused at things when I’m unhappy and even sometimes very depressed.   There’s something so healing about laughing and being amused. It brings me so much hope. 

Not only does it feel amazing, it’s just the fact that knowing that I can still laugh that deeply and be genuinely amused even in the midst of chaos and pain.

It’s a feeling that everything really is ok. It’s hope and healing & happiness. 

I laugh almost everyday at something silly.

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I think many people don’t laugh enough. And not because they aren’t the kind of people who love to laugh, not because they need to lighten up. I think they don’t have the opportunities coming to them as naturally as I do.   I don’t know most people but I’m fairly certain that most people aren’t as easily amused as I am over every little stupid thing.

In fact, I can be quite annoying sometimes with my amusement when others just can’t see what I’m so amused about.

My playful, joking personality often clashes with my little sister’s more reserved/mature personality. My mom & sister say I joke too much and too immaturely. 

But that’s just the way I am.

But I know there are people who are naturally just as light and cheerful and silly as I am, just not as easily amused. And I think laughter can heal them. So what to do?

Identify your kind of humor. Think about when you do have those deep, belly laughs.   What usually provokes them? Certain kinds of jokes? Then go online and look for those kinds of jokes frequently. A certain person? See if you can be around that person more often.

How about iPhone autocotrects?! Those things are hilarious beyond words! I laughed myself to sleep one night reading those! ;-D

My auto correct is off its rocker too. Lol!

Funny videos? Look on YouTube for hilarious videos!   

Or go to Google images for funny pictures/memes.

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Other people’s embarrassing stories?

Check out Fml stories online! Or the Fml app for some phones!

Whatever it is that amuses you silly, if it doesn’t frequently come to you, how about you go to it instead?! And this can apply to many aspects of life. When something doesn’t come to us, we can go out looking for it.

That’s one thing I’m still learning. I’m not very bold and outgoing and am forever just waiting for people and things and opportunities to come to me. But that won’t always happen. So we have to get going and pursue the things we need & want.
When opportunity knocks, open the door

But

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” ~ 
Milton Berle 

I discovered a photo distortion app on my phone and am having wayyyy too much fun with it! Lol

I got a serious case of the giggles! ;-p

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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby 

Here are some hilarious things to check out!

Hilarious auto corrects:

http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

http://wtfautocorrects.tumblr.com/

Comic relief for depressed/suicidal people:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/jokes.htm

FML stories:

http://fmylife.tumblr.com/

Funny panda video:

Desktop:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddZtpS_brOI

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ddZtpS_brOI&app=m

Funny Jimmy Buffett songs :

Desktop:
The Asshole Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_TyrEUpZ8Y

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f_TyrEUpZ8Y

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

Desktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2_lU3adj5k

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IpsTRbJKoa0

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” I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Ooh, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside” ~
Neil Sedaka – Laughter In The Rain

Xoxo Kim

Accountability & Hilarious victim mentality quotes

Dec15

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I read a self -help book some years ago called “You Can’t Avoid the Luxury of a Negative Thought”  (A book for People with Any Life-Threatening Illness – Including Life) by John – Roger & Peter McWilliams.

This is a book for anyone interested in self help techniques, learning about positive thinking and letting go of negative habits.

I lost the copy I had years ago and recently my dad just gave me another  copy he is done with and I started reading it again.   I remember that years ago I laughed so hard at some things written in this book.   One of the sections I laughed at uncontrollably is about “Accountability.”. It’s a section in the book intended to help people recognize that we have the ability to make choices and we should take responsibility for our own lives & happiness.  

We shouldn’t feel guilty for making bad decisions and the authors aren’t “accusing” people for being in bad situations. They are intending to help empower us by helping us see that we have the ability to make positive choices and changes & respond positively to bad things that happen in our lives. And knowing that we brought some things on ourselves is a good thing because it empowers us to know we have control over much of our lives.

In this section they provide a list of things real people said after getting in car accidents that were their own fault. 

These people may not have realized they were doing this but after the accident many were putting the responsibility on anything other than themselves, including inanimate objects such as a telephone poll.  They weren’t trying to be amusing but they sure are funny! 

I remember years ago, reading the people’s brief quotes, I almost died laughing.   And when I picked up the book to read again recently I wondered if I would find them just as amusing as I did back then.   I could only vaguely remember them.  But I remembered how I laughed til it hurt!

So I flipped through the book to find that section and read the list and…… found them as hilarious as ever!! I laughed so much my mom said it’s ridiculous! Lol

She wasn’t amused though! She said they’re really stupid quotes. 

I am one of those ones who can laugh at the same joke & movie and memories over & over.   It never gets old! Some people find that so annoying! But I have a lot of fun! ;-D

The authors provided these real life quotes to get a point across but also for some comic relief. I know I probably shouldn’t be so amused over accidents. But it’s not the accidents themselves that are amusing; it’s the things people say!  

I hope no one was seriously injured in these accidents.   

At least we know the people responsible for the accidents lived well enough to tell about it!  
🙂

These were taken out of real auto insurance reports.

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.” 

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”

“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“The telephone poll was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.”

(this has to be the most hilarious, to me!!) 

“I pulled away from the side of the road,glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

The authors encourage readers to think about something unpleasant that happened that we once considered to be something or someone else’s fault completely but when we think back, we, ourselves, may see that we in fact played a part in bringing it on ourselves. If we develop this skill, we can learn to empower ourselves, taking responsibility in a positive way and seeing how we have the ability to make effective choices & learn lessons through mistakes.

They say to: Go back in time: think back to something that happened to you that you were unhappy about and claimed that someone else was responsible.  

My own example: My food often gets eaten by my dogs and sometimes I get angry at them for eating it.   One day I bought two delicious looking pink cake pops at Starbucks that I couldn’t wait to eat. One was for my sister. I brought them home and had to go right back out and I forgot to put the cake pops away and when I came home my dog already ate them. I was so disappointed but also amused. I was so tempted to say it was my dog’s fault but I know when I leave food out and they eat it, it’s my fault.

Here’s a great country song called, “Choices” by George Jones

Desktop:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=AP0oQCh_teg

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AP0oQCh_teg&app=m

I love it and find it so comforting when I’m in a depressed mood.

Xoxo Kim





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