” If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.” ~ Frances Hodgson Burnett
Everywhere we look, we can find something beautiful even in the ugliness, the darkness, the gray…
It’s up to us to look and find when it doesn’t easily jump out at us.
I hope you are having a beautiful day/night!
Xoxo Kim
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Howard Thurman
Today is a very cold, very gray, beautiful wet day. It’s not exactly raining but everything seems wet. It’s night now but all day was gray and beautiful. It’s very cold, almost like Winter or the end of Fall. It’s bittersweet. I know it’s probably the last day or one of the last days that is cold. I LOVE all four seasons and they all have their blessings and unique qualities. They are all beautiful. I cherish each one and try to always be mindful of the beauty they are. But it’s always Winter inside my heart. In Winter and Fall I rarely wish for warm days. In Summer, there are more days I long for, even crave Winter or Fall.
I’m soaking up every single bit of wet cold beauty I can today!
Today on my way to Buddhist meditation class I was astounded by the almost palpable beauty. It was almost as if I could touch it, not touch the beautiful things but touch or hold the beauty itself. Touch or hold the concept, the very essence of beauty. I felt very alive and felt the heartbeat of the city become one with my own, as if throbbing in my chest, pulsing through my veins. I felt it deep in my bones, tingling in every cell of my body. Every breath I took, I felt I was breathing in the sounds, the sights, the scents, the intense beauty of the city. This feeling is not new to me but it always feels new. I feel it often, sometimes immensely, sometimes more quietly, sometimes not at all. But I can never get used to it. Sometimes this feeling, this life inside disappears for so long I am convinced it will never be back again. Then out of the blue, it comes and tightly embraces me like a long lost friend who promises to always come back to me.
This feeling has always come naturally to me but with practice and certain experiences, I have come to strengthen it. Sometimes it comes out of the blue, like today. And sometimes I can summon it on my own.
One thing that I find that helps me deepen this sense of beauty and gratitude and awe of everything around me, is taking pictures/photography. For people who are interested in capturing beauty in artistic forms like painting, drawing, or photography, whether as a hobby or professional career, it can be easier to see, feel, taste the beauty all around because our brains get trained to see things and look for things to capture in a photo or painting or drawing. Then even when we’re not out looking, even when we are without our phones or cameras or paints and pencils, these little gems jump out at us. The more interested I have become in taking pictures, the more developed my sense of awe has become. I originally loved taking pictures because I feel so much beauty and want to capture & share it, but then picture taking only enhanced that feeling of awe in me.
Photography, painting, drawing, writing…. can all capture simple beauty in a way that makes it stand out more than it does in “real life.” I think many of us generally overlook very simple, very mundane things such as reflections, shadows, a sliver of light creeping through the slit as a result of a door on a dark room being ajar when the hall or other room outside is lit. We often stand in awe or deep appreciation of something dramatically beautiful such as bright, colorful flowers, a beautiful woman in a wedding dress on her wedding day or in stiletto heels and tight blue jeans walking down a street, a dramatic sunset over the ocean waves while lounging on a beach, a baby who is just born, an expensive mansion, an exotic animal, amazing looking food, an incredible looking car, an elegant dress, a flashing diamond ring,…you get the picture! But how often do we look in wonder at a shadow on a ground, maybe a shadow of a tree or person, the way sunlight reflects on signs or cars, the fuzz on a honeybee, the gentle illumination of street lights on a dark street at night, tattered signs, faded poles at busstops with the bus numbers on them, old pay phones, broken glass glittering in the daylight against concrete, an empty beer bottle resting in vibrant green glass, a lemon floating in iced tea, glistening ice cubes chilling a cup of soda….for many, it’s probably never or extremely rarely. But in photography, paintings, drawings, and writing like poetry or novels or descriptions, these things can be beautifully captured and portrayed in artistic forms that can’t help but force us to see, notice, feel the beauty of them, these things we tend to ignore in real life outside of artistic creations.
And for people who engage in these activities, they can help us further ingrain our habit of seeing and feeling the beauty in real life outside of poetry and novels and photos and paintings or drawings. They help deepen our wonder at the things our eyes and hearts catch. They make it easier for simple treasures to jump out at us as we’re walking up a city street, sitting quietly at a riverside, driving on a busy expressway, meditatively peering out a bus window on a dreary gray day or a green day with life blossoming all around.
But not everyone is interested in photography or painting, writing, or drawing. Whatever you’re interested in though, it’s fantastic to pursue it, engage in it, get lost in it and let it reel you in. This can bring you to life, fill you with passion for all of life, enthuse you in general. When we are so happy and passionate in one aspect of life, it can carry over into other aspects, even ones that aren’t so great at the moment. It’s like falling in love or having a big crush. You know the intoxicated feeling when you meet someone you are very attracted to or seeing someone you are in love with? That feeling carries over to everywhere and suddenly life is amazing in ways you never really noticed or forgot about…it can be like this even if we aren’t in love with someone. It’s falling in love with life itself.
We don’t need “big” things, lots of money, kids, or romantic love to feel this way often. These things are great too but we don’t need them to be in love with life. All we have to do is open our eyes, heart, and look, see, feel, stop ignoring the simple things, the mundane things, the blessings surrounding us always. You don’t have to be a photographer, a painter, or an artist of any kind.
“Such a feelin’s comin’ over me
There is wonder in most every thing I see
Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes
And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream
Everything I want the world to be
Is now comin’ true especially for me” ~ the Carpenters
Imagine feeling this way everyday or at least very often or even just more often than now.
It’s possible.
Isn’t this beautiful?! It just goes to show how someone can inspire us and we can see life through that person’s eyes every now and then even if we aren’t interested in the same things. We can feed off of the passion, life, enthusiasm of others. This police officer is deeply inspired by his wife who is a painter with a passionate thirst for life, and while at work, he wishes she was there. This is out of a fiction book I’m reading called “First Do No Evil,” Book 1 in a series by Dr. Carey Baldwin who is an author, a medical doctor/family doctor, and has like two ph.d’s as well, she’s a wife and mother of multiple children. Ummm…is she like Wonder Woman?! I read Book 2 in this series already, not realizing it’s a series. They can be read together or separately and in any order and still make sense. The same characters appear in the books and there’s some subtle references to other books but the author makes it still make sense just to read one individually. She’s an amazing writer of mystery books. It seems most of her books are about doctors. Usually her main characters are a very strong,
beautiful, compassionate, loving, and broken woman who is 30 something years old, has a very painful past, a medical degree, and gets into trouble like is being stalked and needs help. I love her characters and how much depth they have. They are so realistic. And she’s a doc herself so she knows her stuff! Her novels involve romance, mystery, adventure, and healing. They also involve humor, sometimes I laugh hysterically, uncontrollably. They contain adult content in certain scenes. Very vulgar language at some points, and hot sexy scenes, definitely only for adults. Amazing plots, characters, and endings!
Let’s remember to allow others to inspire us and remember to be the inspiration to anyone we can!
I hope you are having a wonderful day or night wherever you are! Much love to you!
Xoxo Kim
“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” – Martin Luther
I recently discovered an amazing, absolutely AMAZING music group called Empty Hands Music, the main singer is named Nimo Patel and he sings about love in every song. The kind of love he sings about is universal love, love for the world, life itself, and every living being. Universal Love means wishing everyone well no matter what, wanting everyone in the world to be happy (but not at the expense of others) even if those people don’t want the same for us in return, no matter what nationality, skin color, religious views, financial status, living situations, sexual orientation, political views, lifestyle, ethnicity, location in the world, education level…He sings about how it doesn’t matter if we pray to a god or are an atheist, it doesn’t matter what our views are, if we are full of gratitude for life or just trudging through life not thankful for a thing, if we have a family or are on our own, if we act on lust or are celibate, old, young, single…none of it matters, we are all made the same, underneath we are all as One. And it’s good to have compassion and empathy for all living beings.
He sings about how amazing life is, the trees, the bugs, the people, the clouds in the sky, joy, sorrow, pain, the ants on the ground, hope for tomorrow, strength, lessons learned, everything near & far, everything and how thankful he is for it all. He sings about kindness and giving the world all that we can give. Give, give, give even if others do not give to us and even if they are not appreciative. All that matters is that we love. He sings about acceptance. Accepting life as it is. Working to better the world but knowing we won’t always succeed at everything and just try our best and accept the results.
I can’t even decide which song is my favorite but I can now say they are my favorite music group as all of their songs are about loving others. And not just people we know but everyone everywhere. All around the world. It’s the best thing ever. What a dream come true this group and this man is! Nimo Patel was rich and famous, a rap singer who admits that he thought he only cared about money and fame, thinking that is what life is, and he showed video clips of himself running around acting so cool in black shades with like a million fans chasing after him. Lol He had it all and thought he was living the life! Then one day he woke up and realized that’s not love and it’s not for him. So he gave it all up and now works in India helping financially poor and struggling people who have next to nothing financially and materially but have enough love in their hearts to heal the world! And that’s exactly what they’re all doing together! They are children and adults, old and young, and they are all beautiful and he features them in his videos, people of all skin colors. Beautiful inside and out. He still sings but now he uses his talent of singing and song writing to change the world and touch lives for the better.
There’s nothing wrong with being rich and famous or wanting to be. But it’s not good, in my opinion, to believe that’s more important than everything else. But rich and famous people can use their riches and fame for the common good, to bring awareness to and help out with causes that help people/animals. And some of them do! This life just wasn’t for him but the message isn’t that celebrities and rich/famous people should give it all up or can’t be loving. Actors bring characters in tv shows and movies to life to entertain us and inspire us, make us laugh and uplift us. Many of them donate money to organizations to help out in the world and the fact that they’re famous brings even more attention to those organizations. And singers and song writers can use their talent to touch people for the better.
That’s what Nimo Patel does.
I been listening to his songs and watching his videos for days now all day long! Lol
The one I’m sharing here is “Planting Seeds.” This song is about acceptance. Like I said, accepting that the world is how it is. This doesn’t mean not working to change things for the better. It means doing just that, working hard wherever we go to make the world a better place for all of us, doing simple things each day to make each life we encounter a little bit better, then surrendering, disowning the situation and accepting whatever outcome occurs, accepting that we will not always succeed how we hoped. We may “fail” and things will not work out, we may not see results, we may not even be around to see if we succeed in our endeavors but that doesn’t even matter. We don’t even have to see it! Just plant those seeds and let go! Whatever happens will happen.
“…but the roots are always growin’ no matter if I’m there or never around…whatever grows will grow, whatever dies will die, whatever works will work, whatever flies will fly, whatever fails will fail, what’s meant to soar will soar, I am planting seeds, nothing more.”
“It’s like your whole life you’ve been training for this moment
And when the time comes you just disown it,
Meaning you just surrender don’t control it…”
“But now we’re learning when we let it go, it overflows
With no credit to take cuz no credit is owned.”
“…but the real gold is joy, when life starts to flow
And when it does, you just smile, cuz now you know!”
I love these lyrics. This message is all about planting seeds of love and kindness everywhere we go even if we won’t be around to see the results, planting those seeds without expecting credit or anything in return. Pay someone a compliment even if you don’t know if that person will warmly receive it, and if the person doesn’t seem uplifted or touched by your sweet compliment, be happy anyway, write a sweet message to someone on a blog or social media account even if you may not get a message back and still be happy you wrote the message even if you don’t get a response, it’s not about us being appreciated in return, it’s about genuinely wanting to touch others for the better, follow blogs you like and share them even without asking for that favor to be returned, buy a homeless person a coffee, look into a stranger’s eyes and smile and be happy you did even if s/he doesn’t smile back, give tips to people working in coffee shops even when they don’t seem friendly, plant those seeds of lovingkindness even when no one is looking or listening to know you are expressing lovingkindness. Even if it doesn’t work out how you hoped. At least you tried. And that counts for something, it’s a beautiful way to live!
We cannot and do not have to control the outcome or stress about the results. All we can do is try our best. We don’t have to feel low, feel regret, feel like we worked for nothing if we don’t see the results we hoped for or don’t see any results. All that truly matters is that we plant those seeds, leaving a trail of love everywhere we go!
Remember:
“…whatever grows will grow, whatever dies will die, whatever works will work, whatever flies will fly, whatever fails will fail, what’s meant to soar will soar, I am planting seeds, nothing more.”
And be all that you can be.
Here is the video for the song!
Desktop:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=ZhcKIGCE_Pk
Mobile:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhcKIGCE_Pk
Much love to you! And don’t forget to plant those seeds of love today! ❤
Xoxo Kim ❤
But not really!
Today is the first day of Spring!
And this is what we get!
(this pic showed up by accident but he’s cute so I’m leaving it – he’s my baby, Woody, almost eight months old!)
What a hilarious joke it seems the uni-verse has played on us! 😀
Lol it looks like Winter is milking it for all it’s worth, going to snow and be All frigid until the last second it possibly can!
I love it! I’m so so happy it will be warm soon! And life will
Blossom
all around! Green & flowers and a floral fragrance in the air!
Google flowers! @—}—-}
But I’m so happy for one last snow blizzard until Winter/the end of Fall comes again! Yay!
It’s a Winter Wonderland today and I walked in it to get my mom a coffee! It was beautiful but eventually my head was throbbing terribly because of the cold, I thought I would pass out. Or die. Lol ok, not really die but it was almost as painful as brain freeze when I eat ice cream too quickly!
The quote in my daily quote book for today, March 20th is:
“If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we’d have a pretty good time.” ~ Edith Wharton
Isn’t this so true?! How often have you heard someone say or have you said or thought yourself something like “when it’s warm/hot outside and I can go on vacation, I will be happier, when I lose 20 pounds I will be happier, this weekend I will be happy, when I have kids I will be happy, when I find true love or get married I will be happy, when I grow up/get older, graduate college, get better grades, I will be happy, when I get a job or another job I will be happy, when I have more money I will be happy, when I have a place of my own I will be happy…?”
I’m definitely not innocent of thoughts like that occasionally, thoughts like “when…..then I will be happier.” While I’m often mindful of and happy right now, there are definitely occasions I begin to think I need more or “should” have more. And then it leads to a very low feeling, negative comparisons to others, or even a full blown depression.
But the truth is, we can be happy now. Let go of the conditional happiness concept and living too much in the future. Let go and allow the beauty and joy of right Now to seep into our essence and soak it all up! Be happy now!
The external things that we think can lead to happiness or can bring us fleeting happiness will not last very long and are not necessarily as purely blissful as we think they are. Warm weather comes then leaves eventually and we’re stuck in the bitter cold, vacations end and we have to come back to reality, people can leave us, we can put weight back on after the hard work losing it, fashion trends eventually end after buying all those expensive clothes, people die of heatstroke and exhaustion in the Summer, freeze to death in Winter, suffer with horrible allergies in Spring & Fall, are used for money and have lots of financial management when they are financially rich, have the pressure of having to keep up their grades when they have a perfect gpa, even great things like kids and relationships and money, a great job,….come with consequences that aren’t always pure bliss, the thing is to practice and learn to be happy NOW or at least in general under any circumstances.
Pay attention to the gifts right before our very eyes. It’s great to have relationships with others, have kids, get a new job, shop for new clothes, experience the seasons, have money, get amazing grades in school…but we don’t need those things to have a sense of happiness or self worth. They can bring us certain joys and a certain kind of happiness and blessings we won’t have without them but we can also have joy and true happiness and blessings without them. They complement our happiness and our self, not complete us.
There are great things and drawbacks to just about every stage and phase and season of life. Let’s cherish them all and appreciate now!
Coincidentally this is what we talked about and meditated upon in class last night. Then today that is the quote for this day!
Also, I read that today brings with it a Super New Moon, a Total Solar Eclipse, and the Spring Equinox! All of which symbolize new beginnings! A perfect reminder that no matter what happened, no matter how stuck or depressed, or broken we are or have been, there is new hope and a blank slate to turn around and begin again! And we can begin right Now! ❤
Much love to you! ❤
Xoxo Kim
“‘Well,’ said Pooh, ‘what I like best,’ and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”~A.A. Milne ❤
This is a very thought-provoking quote and concept! I love it! I wonder how many little pleasurable and joyous, unidentified moments we experience
and never even consciously realize it!
Eating Honey and taking pleasure in it is one of the simplest pleasures in life. Just sitting and savoring the delicious sweetness. But there’s even simpler and more overlooked/taken for granted moments that surround the joyous simple moments. Like the sweet anticipation right before something amazing (like eating honey) happens. And the warm afterglow of something
we experience.
The rattling of a vehicle on a cobblestone street before getting to the destination, the yellow brightness and calm just before a storm, the warmth that permeates after receiving a sweet compliment or word of encouragement, the feeling of walking to a beach before running into the ocean, that moment in a restaurant before the mouthwatering food hits the table, the days before Christmas, the moments unwrapping gifts and watching someone else open a gift, walking out of a restaurant laughing with friends/family, the thrill of looking at an ice cream sundae just before eating it, sitting in a movie theatre when the movie just begins and the names and things are flashing across the screen and the thrill for the movie about to begin, the moments before getting a body piercing (I used to love getting them) and the scents of the place, the moment just before eating a lemon or blueberries and my mouth feels sour before even tasting the fruit, the incredible joy of getting a new book, the fullness & emptiness when it ends, the way the mouth waters before eating something delicious,
The feeling of helping someone,
the days just before Fall when the first slightest chill hits the air, the feeling of the first warm days after the Winter comes to an End, the chills an amazing song can provoke…
The simpler moments surrounding the “actual thing” can be just as amazing, even more amazing than the actual thing!
Some moments can’t be reconstructed.
One day in the Winter I was at work on a cold, slow night and my lips were very dried out and hurting. I put lip medicine on and was drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream and eating a bag of chips. The salt hurt my lips more and the taste blended with the taste of my lip medicine. So it was like a medicine-y saltiness. With a little sting in my lips.
I realized that I actually liked the experience. It seemed so simple, so accidental, something I can never “make happen” and would just be weird if I tried. I don’t want my lips to be dried and hurting (it’s super annoying) and I’m not masochistic so I’m not going to bring it on myself. I also don’t want lip medicine mixed with my food but it just happened that way. What a pleasant memory.
Many of my most pleasant memories involve the feelings of the unidentified moments but I never realized it like this.
This quote awakens me to the fact that there are so many, many moments we love, feel joy, or pleasure about, incredibly simple moments that are so fleeting, we may completely overlook. We can come to cherish these moments, not just feel the thrill, savor them, acknowledge them, give thanks for them, honor them. ❤
Thanks Winnie the Pooh! 😀
Xoxo Kim
“She’s got a light around her
And ev’rywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her ev’rywhere” ~ Billy Joel
On Saturday I attended a three hour workshop at the Buddhist center I go to and we made Buddhist malas! I’m going to write about those in another post. The workshop inspired me in so many ways.
Mala beads are beads on a string (similar to Catholic rosaries and ones found in other religions). They are used for recitation of positive mantras to calm or quiet the mind and just to get us in the habit of positive thinking/feeling and stillness.
“Let the beauty we love be what we do.” ~ Rumi ❤
😀
One of the things that struck me and is the inspiration for this post is the instructor’s passion, wonder, and love for the topic of her teachings.
I met her before, her name is Eve, she’s a Buddhist. A lay Buddhist teacher/student. She’s very loving and friendly and funny too, and a musician!
Her love for her work or the way she conveys her love, to me, seems very rare. It’s like at every second she’s conscious of it. It reminds me of a professor I had in college, Dr. Ward. All of my professors/instructors, that I remember in college, showed interest, many even passion and love, for the work they were teaching and studying. That’s very likely why they were teaching and studying it. They have some sort of interest in or passion for it. Love and passion for work isn’t rare; there are many people who are absolutely in love with what they do. And unfortunately there are too many people who feel that their work is life draining and like it’s just a dead end job.
But Dr. Ward, a neuroscientist and my professor for some class about the brain, expressed her passion and love in a different way than I have ever seen before. It actually wasn’t even “expression” necessarily, what I remember is her BEING. Light. Her whole state of existence in the class was love for her subject.
It’s difficult to explain in words. And what I remember is a quiet but fierce kind of love for her work and the topic of Neuroscience. I would see her warmly smiling to herself often as she was writing on the chalkboard and just her movements displayed a kind of awe of her work and the topic.
Sometimes she would even shake her head and chuckle in wonder even over the bland-est of details and tasks.
A topic she was teaching over and over, studying year after year after year. It never got old.
I sensed that she loved/loves not just what she was teaching and studying but the very process of teaching and studying it, every word she wrote on the chalkboard, she wrote carefully, as if mindfully loving the process itself, not merely writing to get to the end, out of an obligation to teach us, or to get out of class as soon as possible. Not even like she was so into what she was doing, like some people can get writing quickly and passionately, she would write and teach as if she was mindfully taking in every moment and loving it.
She was cherishing everything involved. It is beyond just passion. It’s like complete adoration.
Almost the way a mother feels for her child. Have you ever seen a mom gently stroke her child’s hair or cheek and warmly smile? It’s a passionate, fierce kind of love but also very gentle. And everyone witnessing can feel that love just oozing into the breath of the world around. Or have you ever seen a photo of people, family, a parent/child, lovers, best friends, people and their pets and the photo captures love so well, it just IS love? The people/animals in the photos just ARE love…
In Dr. Ward’s class, I often felt that the topic of Neuroscience itself was almost something tangible to be gently and lovingly stroked by someone who completely adores and loves it.
It was like she brought it alive. Like her love for it manifested it into tangible existence. She seemed to regard it with reverence.
Neuroscience is definitely interesting in some aspects but it’s not my absolute favorite topic.
It can be kind of dry. I can hardly remember the details of nerves, synapses, brain parts and stuff.
It’s awe-inspiring for sure, the way the body works. I love to think and read about it. Some aspects are fascinating.
But I won’t be reading about it very frequently.
This subject is just not at the very top of my list of favorites, the way Philosophy as a whole topic is. Philosophy is my passion. My love. Not necessarily as a career/job goal but as a hobby to read and write about. And neuroscience involves philosophy.
Everything does. Philosophy is everywhere.
Omnipresent.
Also, the doctor and her colleagues did tests on animals, mostly rats, and sometimes they had to kill them, which they claimed was “humane” in the killing method they chose. And she said they weren’t suffering as a result of the brain experiments they did on them, they made sure they were as “comfortable” as possible.
Experimenting on and killing innocent rats, It’s not my cup of tea.
But I liked the class and her.
One of the only things that stands out to me about that class all these years later is the professor’s love for her work. Not just her love, like I said, most of the professors seemed to love their subjects, it was the way I noticed her love it. The way she would embody love. Just the way she loves. (This isn’t to say other people do not love their work and subject the same way and just as much, it’s just that some people’s existence just emits love & light either in general or for a specific thing, in a more noticeable way to some people. I was more receptive of hers for her work, maybe someone else would be more receptive of someone else’s. And there’s other aspects of life to be loving with than work, I meet many loving people in various aspects! )
That and the fact that she had/has a human brain collection in her basement and brought one in, along with a spinal cord, for us to hold. She’s a brain researcher, studying brains and the nervous system. I wrote about her and her brain collection here before. When they were through with the brains, she would keep them for her own amusement. Lol
The brain I held in my hands was beautiful in every way. In the way it looked, felt, in the way it worked when it was alive, in the way it still had purpose even after the woman’s death who once lived with that brain. And the spinal cord was beautiful as well, the color, the texture, the feel, the purpose it served to the living person and the purpose it served after the death of the person. I am extremely blessed that I got to hold them in my hands. Some students refused to touch them. It wasn’t required as part of the class, it was just for our own pleasure.
Dr. Ward’s love for her work seemed to me to go beyond mere interest, beyond passion, even. Like I said, just utter adoration and awe. It wasn’t the words she spoke but the way she moved, her tones, her gestures, and expressions. Her state of being. Her light.
The teacher we had Saturday displayed that very same kind of love during our workshop and it took me back to those days in Dr. Ward’s class all those years ago. The teacher, Eve’s, love is so uplifting and powerful just to be in the presence of. It reminds me to be love in everything I do.
In Dr. Ward’s class I learned a lot of facts. Some incredibly interesting that I still remember, with wonder and pleasure today, some not so interesting, most which completely escape my mind today.
But the most valuable thing I learned in that class isn’t something academic or intellectual. It’s not about neuroscience. I got like a C or C – in that class and had to do extra credit work just to get basically the lowest passing grade, which is C-. What I was awakened to in that class is wisdom, not intelligence.
The most valuable lesson I learned in the class is to love in everything I do, and not just love and express love but be that love. Be in the state of love. Be mindful of the love coursing through my veins even if there seems to be nothing and no one before me to bestow it upon. Just bask in my own loving presence.
I want to be that kind of love not just for my work but in everything I do in this life.
“Be love. Be so much love that when others are with you they are love too.”
Be mindful of the journey and not in a hurry to get to the destination. And not just be loving in our work but loving in everything we do even if we would prefer to be doing something else. Even if it’s a task that doesn’t hold our interest. Be mindful of the fact that whatever it is, it’s likely leading to something necessary or good. A boring long drive is getting you to where you have to go. A boring class or stressful day at work is getting you paid or credits you need.
A seemingly pointless hassle may be teaching you a lesson you will later come to realize. Maybe patience or strength or love…
Experiencing even unpleasant things is an indication that we are alive. Cherish it.
And be loving and mindful of the love with people we are around, whether we know and like them or not. Be loving with pets, friends, family, strangers, all sentient beings, all living things. Love to love, not merely to be loved. Be loving even through pain, grief, despair, anger. Be loving through happiness and joy.
Be grateful for the purpose that things serve.
“Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.” ~
Markus Zusak
Even if we feel that we can’t or won’t BE love everywhere, then it’s good to BE love in certain aspects of life, if you won’t be loving at work, be at home. If you won’t be loving at home then be at work or with your favorite fun activity or in general. Be love in your relation to your own self. We all have love in us but it’s not always at our surface, readily available. Sometimes other things are more prominent at that moment, like anger, boredom, exhaustion, agitation, grief, depression, anxiety, fear, the desire to be right, tiredness, numbness, wishing for something else, jealousy, ignorance, just a lack of passion, a feeling of monotony…
But we can learn to tap into that love more often, summon those loving feelings when we realize we are currently not consciously experiencing it.
Be love in the most simplest and mundane tasks. Washing our clothes, brushing our teeth, shower….and we will become even deeper love. We will train our brains to be even more loving and happier doing things we would prefer not to have to do. And just doing everyday tasks that are usually no big thrill.
Dr. Ward’s love for her work and Neuroscience inspired me and still inspires me. Not to love Neuroscience. This isn’t one of those amazing stories where a teacher inspires a student to fall in love with a subject she never had one ounce of interest in then she grows up and becomes a teacher herself for that very subject.
I’ll never be a neuroscientist.
This is my story of how a teacher’s (whether the person is a school teacher, college professor or instructor, or a religious teacher…) love can inspire love in general. And not just a teacher but anyone. You, me, a child or a very old person, a homeless person, a rich person, your neighbor, friend, or sister…anyone.
“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” ~Confucius
I will be love everywhere I go.
Doesn’t this lesson seem even more valuable than any school degree? I think so! It took me a while to learn to apply and practice this life lesson. Sometimes we experience something but do not process it or realize it for many years later. I noticed back then her awe-provoking love for her work and I was inspired but I did not always try to emulate it consciously in most of the things I do. I’m very thankful for the Buddhist teacher’s reminder on Saturday. She reminded me not in what she said but in all that she IS.
“Whatever you are, be a good one.”
Sometimes the best reminders and examples are not verbal ones. We are influencing and inspiring and teaching each other in the ways that we live, move, talk, and just in the way we are.
Much love to you. ❤
Xoxo Kim ❤
p.s. I have/have had other professors/teachers/people who inspire me just as much in similar/various ways and they will be in some of my future posts! 😀 ❤
I was working on a blog post today about positive thinking and handling difficult situations and it turned out much longer and more disorganized than I intended.
So I decided to save it for a while and do a different post today.
I have a book of positive quotes, one for each day of the year. I decided to look at March 7th since that’s today and guess what?!
It’s about the very topic I was attempting to write about today! What a coincidence! There it goes again that law of attraction at play! Lol ;-D
So here’s the quote:
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck
Did you know that a problem, even a tragic, devastating one can lead us to something better than if we never had that problem?
It’s true!
“To me, photography is an art of observation. It’s about finding something interesting in an ordinary place…I’ve found it has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them.” ~
Elliott Erwitt
One example I have is my depressive condition. My depressive disorder is the catalyst for positive change and I am much better, in general, than I would have been if I never experienced the disorder. While I still plummet to the lowest depths of despair, I believe in the middle of episodes, I am better than I would have been if I never knew such pain. I work on myself constantly and have equipped myself with skills to help in any situation that seems unpleasant. I learned about meditation, gratitude lists, appreciative living techniques, and other things that can help anyone, not just depressed people. And that’s how I got this blog! I wouldn’t have discovered all this if not for my quest to heal my depression I would still be happy but just not like this. Depression sucks but all we can do is cope with it and be even better for it!
Another example is my currently incurable
pain disorder which causes wretched cluster-like headaches and other horrible physical pain. These headaches, no one can ever imagine the terrible pain involved like being burned alive and the terrible ache involved. I would take a kidney stone and a million broken bones anyday over this. But like my depression, these “headaches” have inspired me to notice the beauty all around me in a deeper way than before. Right before a headache gets to the point it’s unbearable, I begin to notice beauty in a way I never did before the headaches. They start out almost unbearable then escalate to literally unbearable. And before they get to be unbearable, I see the smallest simplest things most of us never notice. Like reflections bouncing off of objects, little beads of moisture on soda or water bottles, or someone’s shoulder in the scorching summer sun.
Sunlight dancing upon someone’s beautiful hair, the sounds of water drops….i can’t take as much pleasure as if I wasn’t having a headache but I wouldn’t have noticed these things as deeply as if I never had the recurrent headaches and it took a few for me to realize.
Then when they end I am still aware of the beauty and can take full pleasure. Even on days I don’t have these headaches of horror, I see simple beauty in a deep way.
“Suddenly – life has new meaning to me.
There’s beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up and suddenly you’re in love.” ~ Billy Ocean
There’s so much beauty we take for granted. Cliche and oh so very true.
One warm summer day some years ago a headache hit me so hard and suddenly, unexpectedly as they usually do. I fell back onto my bed in my bedroom, clutching the side of my face. I was destroyed. My life was over, or so it felt. I knew it was going to get much worse as I have had many before. I couldn’t believe the terror that was and that horror that was to come. And I looked up at my soda bottle. I saw something I have seen countless moments before, year after year after year and thought nothing of. But this moment, it struck me. The beauty of it, I almost had to shield my eyes against the startling beauty. I was awestruck and struck with remorse for overlooking it all these years.
Little beads of moisture streaming down the bottle, glistening and screaming, pounding into my brain and piercing the pupils of my eyes. As if to scream at me “Look at us! We’re here!” Pretty soon the headache completely took over and everything around me completely disappeared. I was engulfed by mind blasting shots of physical agony piercing my very essence.
Then when I woke up, I was changed.
I was reborn. I began to see a forgotten world of astounding beauty I have never truly laid eyes on before. Or I have and did not know it. I still have those headaches and each one is a reminder to acknowledge the beauty, overlooked and ignored. The simplest of all the pleasures in this life.
Here is my post on the suicide/cluster/cluster-like headaches if anyone is interested in it. It’s very long, you can just skim through it if you want. It took a lot of strength to write.
https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/on-pain-suicide-headaches-prevailing/
And here is a post about my goal each day:
https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/small-things-forgotten/
Think of all your problems no matter how seemingly serious or seemingly trivial. List them all. What can they teach you? How can they strengthen you? How can you use them to your advantage to awaken the wisdom in you? And if you can’t yet think of anything, make something up! Create something.
Let’s take a very trivial but annoying problem for example, being stuck in traffic. It can teach you patience, compassion for others who annoy you, you can practice meditation while not driving…and if not then you can make it a point to go home later and do something positive to “make up” for that minor but really annoying inconvenience even if that positive thing has nothing to do with it. Like donate money to a positive organization to help others, exercise, make it a point to warmly smile at someone you wouldn’t usually.
Don’t let those problems be in vain! Get creative!
;-D
Much love to you,
Xoxo Kim ❤
“May I take defeat upon myself
And offer them the victory”
Hello loves! ❤
I hope you’re having a beautiful day!
On Valentine’s Day this year I attended a Love retreat at a Buddhist Center here in Philadelphia. It was a series of four classes on Love, each class was 45 minutes long, a lecture and meditation on Love, compassion, and kindness. Universal Love was the topic; universal love is all encompassing love. Completely unconditional love. Love for our friends, family, pets, strangers,insects, rodents, flowers, all sentient beings, enemies, assholes, difficult people…Love for everyone. Love can be an affective feeling, a warm, positive feeling for someone but it’s also just a selfless, genuine wish for someone else to be happy With or without us, even if that someone is a person we view as a difficult person who we don’t have a warm affection for or a positive opinion of. That’s universal love, a wish for everyone to be happy no matter what. We can still want people to be happy and well (in a way that is not at the expense of others in a negative way) even if we don’t like them. It’s not always easy. It can be extremely difficult. It may take much work, thought, reflection, practice, and meditation to get to that point that we generally want even people we don’t like or ones we’re angry at, even difficult people who want nothing more than to see us fall, to be happy. But it can be done. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings may come very easily to us but sometimes we really have to try hard.
Eventually it can become our general way of life. There may be setbacks, relapses, occasions now and then we want nothing more than to tell someone off, yell at someone, seek revenge, give someone a disgusted look to get a subtle point across without being too dramatic, or just hope bad things in our heads…but generally, with practice, we can cultivate an attitude of Universal Love.
The Love we were lectured on and meditated upon is completely, pure, raw, selfless Love. Ultimate, unconditional Love. With absolutely no expectations of anything in return.
Even when someone else is being selfish, unkind, uncaring, rude, vicious…we can genuinely wish that person the best whether out loud or just in our heads, speak with a calm tone, be kind. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it seems near impossible but with practice, it can be our Way.
And even if we choose to terminate a relationship with someone, it can be in a positive/productive way. We can lovingly let go, end on positive terms even if that person is not being loving or positive. On our part, it can be loving.
Some of the life lessons we learned during the retreat are:
1.) Offering the Victory and accepting defeat upon ourself (“ourself” as opposed to “ourselves” means people in general, like universally, as opposed to a specific group of multiple people such as a specific family or room full of people…- I just learned this! Lol :-O) even when we know we’re right and others are wrong, to be completely selfless and let go of self cherishing – self cherishing in this case means putting ourself, our own needs and desires(even seemingly reasonable needs and desires) above others. Sometimes we know for a fact that someone else is wrong and being selfish, rude, unkind and we may have the urge to lash out, argue, be defensive, be rude back, give someone a dirty look or just think negatively in our heads…but it’s possible to get into the habit of offering those people the victory, show them love, let them be “right,” maybe even say sorry just to keep the peace and love around us. Not out of fear of confrontation or what they’ll think of or do to us if we don’t give in, or low self esteem or being weak or fake, but out of love, a genuine desire to make the world a better, more loving place. It takes a certain kind of strength to do this but it’s very worth it. It’s more important to be loving than to be right.
It’s so tempting to meet someone’s negativity and rudeness with our own negativity and being rude back. It’s often temporarily satisfying to put people in their place or curse them in our heads or out loud but it accomplishes nothing in the long run. It just puts negative energy out into a world where there’s already enough.
It’s important to keep in mind that just because you do, say, think selfish things does not make you a bad or even necessarily a selfish person. And it’s something that can be changed if you want to change it. If not, that’s ok too. The teachers of universal compassion and love and selflessness, Buddhists, and monks are not being negatively judgmental just as I am not being judgmental. Universal Love is about acceptance, even acceptance of people who are not being loving and people with drastically different views than our own, opposing views, polar opposite views. Some views and religions are incompatible with one another but the people who hold those views do not have to be incompatible with each other.
We can not agree with people, not like what they think or do but still love them and show compassion and kindness.
I’m putting this into practice more and more each day. I’m not perfect at it. Sometimes it’s so hard. Every single day I am faced with a situation, as are most of us probably, whether very trivial or more serious, where I can choose to put my own needs above someone else’s or accuse someone of being wrong. Sometimes the person really is wrong, sometimes it’s me who is really wrong, but no matter which of us is, I make it my ultimate goal to lovingly accept the defeat upon myself and offer the victory, each day.
On many occasions, it’s hard and some occasions I suck at it and act selfishly, some moments I give into selfishness knowing I’m acting selfishly, other occasions I’m not aware right away that I’m being selfish, but on others it’s much easier. And the more I practice, the easier it becomes. I’m still not perfect at it, I may never be. But my ultimate intention is pure.
For many people it’s difficult accepting defeat or admitting they’re wrong even when they are, so imagine how difficult it is accepting defeat, apologizing, letting others be “right” when you know you are right or they are definitely wrong, especially when they’re being rude and negative. But it makes the world a better place. Imagine if we all, or even just many of us choose to accept defeat upon ourself and let them be right whether or not they really are! The world would be so loving! Totally worth it! And our actions and love will likely inspire others to become more loving.
But it’s important to not let it wear you out, always letting yourself be defeated and others be right. You have to get your mind in the right state, train it to happily, lovingly accept defeat upon yourself and offer them the victory. Many people complain that they put others first constantly and it takes a toll on them, that they don’t get credit for the positive things they do, that they get walked all over, taken advantage of, give too much, are too kind and want to stop being so kind to those who “don’t deserve it….”
But that’s because they aren’t properly training their mind to do all this with no expectations in return, in a completely selfless way. They are being loving and kind but still expecting something of others or the world, that they aren’t getting, in return. They expect others to be sweet and friendly and helpful just because they are that way. But the world doesn’t work that way. And when their own loving compassion isn’t met with the compassion of others, they feel cheated, worn out, broken, like it’s unfair. But universal love, accepting defeat and offering the victory is about being loving, compassionate, and kind irrespective of whether we receive that in return. Love to love, not to be loved. It’s fantastic to be loved. But being loved isn’t the goal, the goal is to love. Whether the love is returned or not. To love is more important than to be loved. The solution isn’t to stop loving or caring for those who “don’t deserve it” but to build up our minds so we are not buffeted by the unpleasant circumstances we are in sometimes or the negativity of others.
To accomplish this, we have to meditate, reflect, practice and get to the point where we can give, give, give, get nothing out of it, be kind and not receive kindness in return, but still not feel worn out and wronged. Instead we feel even more energized and exhilarated. And even if we don’t receive the love and kindness of others, our own love we unleash onto the world and in our own minds is enough.
Again, we love to love, not to be loved. For this to become our Way and not just happen occasionally, it takes a certain kind of meditation. It must be done properly to be effective and not mess up our minds. I’m going to share the information for the book on training the mind in this here post, later towards the end. I’m nowhere near qualified to teach people to train their minds and that’s not what I’m doing here. Not only am I not a teacher, I myself do not yet have my mind trained much. So I’m in no position to teach others. I’m in the process of training my mind, which unless I attain full enlightenment, will be an ongoing process. But even short of reaching full enlightenment, it is extremely beneficial to just reach some stages. I’m just giving suggestions and sharing my own stories and struggles and experiences.
Sometimes I am so tempted to “self cherish” and want what I want above what someone else wants. Even “reasonable” selfishness is good to avoid.
Here is a real life example when I was so so so tempted to self cherish and be selfish and put my desires or needs above someone else’s. But I chose to offer the victory instead.
Recently I was at home one night, on a wonderful cold, frigid, Winter night in Philadelphia, drinking hot tea, in my pink winter pj’s, warm on the sofa with a snowstorm going outside, all warm and cozy and sweet. I was sickly and in pain in my right kidney – something that happens quite frequently. I’m prone to kidney stones and what I think are (mild) infections. But I was very content. My sister decided she wanted to go out for ice cream. I really did not want to but my sister wanted me to go. I was tempted to say no. To say I’m in my pj’s, in pain, I’m not going out. But I kept in mind the teachings of the Buddhist classes I been attending and my desire to more frequently put others first. I was never a horribly selfish girl, even before the classes and my interest in Buddhism, I often selflessly put others first, changing my plans, willingly putting myself out to the point I have been called a “fool” and “pushover” and other insults on multiple occasions by multiple people, but who isn’t selfish every now and then? Especially when others are wrong or rude or selfish? We often react similarly to that person, reacting with less than kindness or putting our desires first even if we are usually very kind and selfless. So I said ok I’ll go.
And at first I really wasn’t happy about it, I was reluctant. But determined to “fake it til I make it.” Keep practicing doing what I don’t want to do as long as it’s making others happy.
Not to be “a fake” but to practice acting more selfless to feel more selfless. To BE more selfless. Even if you aren’t happy putting yourself out to help someone else, as long as you aren’t helping just to get something in return, like a positive reputation or favor in return, you are still being selfless if it’s purely to help others be happy and help make the world a better place. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a bit disappointed once in a while. The fact that you put your own needs last even when it’s reluctant indicates that you are being selfless. Even though you are disappointed for you, you are still happy for others.
I want to help people be happy. Even if it means not getting what I want in other ways. Just helping others be happy so often helps me be happy even when I’m not getting my own way and am disappointed about it. But sometimes it’s harder to be happy when I’m not getting my own way. But I’m trying to be better.
I had to go to CVS to get a picture enlarged to give my friends of us in New York City together. We went for a fun trip a couple years ago and I bought the large photo. They did not want to spend the money. So they got pocket size ones. I got the larger one but lost it the next day. The other day I found the pocket size one I had and decided to get it enlarged as a gift for each of my friends. So I decided after getting ice cream with my little sister, we would go to CVS. And my sister said no! She said no! She wanted to just get ice cream and come home! I felt a pang of anger surge through me. I was so tempted to say “fucking seriously?! I’m agreeing to go out in a snow storm sick and in pain, getting all dressed for you and you can’t stop at CVS with me for two minutes just to scan a picture?!” I opened my mouth to speak then held my tongue.
That’s not the kind of woman I want to be. I want to help others even when they are not being very agreeable, even when they’re being selfish and unreasonable. If I would have said what I wanted to, that wouldn’t be terribly selfish. It’s actually quite reasonable. I was doing her a favor and it would have took less than 5 minutes to stop at CVS. But she did not want to do me the favor, stopping there with me. Even though it was reasonable selfishness it was still selfishness, self cherishing. Putting what I wanted (going to cvs) over what my sister wanted (just coming home). And I still don’t believe I would have been wrong to respond saying I really want to go to cvs.
And I wouldn’t negatively judge others who would say that. But I want to become completely selfless (like the Buddha) and always put others first but still being peaceful in my mind. I want to be this way because I want people to be happy, even those acting unkindly and selfishly, even ones who don’t return the favor. And I want the world to be better.
Even though this is, generally, my ultimate goal and truest desire, on certain occasions, it’s hard to live up to, difficult to not get caught up in the negativity or emotions of that specific occasion. It takes practice.
After I held my tongue I was still pissed. But I saw it as practice to become better and better. And I took advantage of this wonderful opportunity to practice. I thought about the Buddha’s teachings and the monk’s lessons in our classes and my meditations and the woman I aspire to be. And my anger eventually melted away. Even though I was still resentful for a while, at least the environment was still more peaceful and my sister was happy and everyone was happy. If I would have spoken up, expressed my displeasure, it may have relieved my own anger or annoyance a bit but she would have become infuriated or devastated (she’s very sensitive).
So holding my tongue was good even though I did not get what I wanted. And in the end, all the things I want won’t bring me as much peace and happiness as a peaceful, compassionate, selfless mind that puts others (family, friends, strangers, difficult people, even assholes….) first. My meditation and teachings help me so I can put everyone else first but not feel lowered, degraded, worn out. It’s a journey, a process, it will not always come easily. I will always have selfish intentions now and then but I will become a more selfless being with practice. Like I said, I have never been extremely selfish. But like many or most of us, I want what I want occasionally and I think it’s more important than what someone else wants sometimes and I try justify it by showing how it really is more important….but I intend to becomes less and less that way. I offered my sister the victory. I accepted defeat upon myself.
I’m not bragging. I’m using my own real example because I believe when people are open and honest and share their own stories, they are easier to take seriously. If I’m going to preach or give suggestions, it’s good to use a real experience of my own, right? And a genuine example, if I have one, is often better than an imaginary one I can make up in my head.
You can practice Love and selflessness every single day in very simple but significant ways. For example, when you’re walking in back of slowpokes, instead of thinking unpleasant thoughts like “I wish these people would just move already!, How selfish walking so slow when they know people are in back of them!, Assholes!”
I’m not innocent of these thoughts occasionally. I thought all of them at some points.
And actually during one of the breaks the very day of the retreat I found myself almost late for one of the classes in back of very slow people thinking “Move! Move! Move! I’m about to be late!” and not in a pleasant way. Lol And I caught myself and realized the irony of it.
We can instead think “I wish these people well, I hope they’re happy or become happy, I wish them health, joy, friendship, love…” it puts positive energy into the world and if nothing else, it gets you in a positive, loving habit and then you begin to act more lovingly also, unconsciously and consciously.
The Buddhist monk teaching our class most weeks, and the retreat, gave an example of someone going to Starbucks and asking for a latte and thinking how slow the worker is being and thinking “just hurry up with my coffee!” but instead we can think “Yeah! Pump it up! I hope he’s having fun pumping my coffee!” lol! Everyone burst out laughing! It’s funny but it’s true! Let’s hope the workers are having fun or are peaceful and happy or at the very least, not suffering.
And when our pet chews the sofa or our shoes, think how much we love him/her instead of being destructively furious. It can be so hard but with practice, it’s possible.
For many of us, no matter how loving and positive we are even to strangers, we probably almost never even think to hope the person making our coffee is feeling happy pumping the coffee, or the person who cuts us off in traffic is well, or the pizza delivery man is healthy, or the person who writes us an incredibly rude comment online feels loved today and always….those are incredibly small (but significant) things we completely do not think to do no matter how loving we generally are. But they help significantly. Us and everyone around us.
Soon we begin to exude love and compassion and positivity.
Outside the Buddhist Center, after the classes, I saw a man crossing the street, walking a dog, and he was almost ran over by another man in a car. I don’t know which one was in the wrong, I wasn’t paying attention, but they both did not handle it well. The one man beeped the horn much longer than necessary. The one man yelled “watch where you’re going asshole!” and the other yelled “suck it you fucking asshole!” and the other responded “not on your life, asshole!”. And they both gave each other vicious looks and the one walking with the dog flipped the one in the car off. I couldn’t stop laughing because first of all, again with the irony, outside a Buddhist Center where they preach nothing but Love and on the day of a Universal love retreat! And because how they both just kept yelling “asshole!”
Lol I probably shouldn’t be so amused but I am!
2.) Mindfully focusing on all the kindness and love we have been shown since we came into the world, the love and kindness shown by family, friends, teachers, animals, strangers…
We are alive today and much of where we are is because of the love and kindness of others either directly targeted at us or indirectly. Since we came into the world we have been shown kindness and love. Even in the simplest, smallest ways but are still significant.
The doctors and others who took care of you and your birth mother before you were born, took care of you and your unborn children, your family who kept you alive and safe, your friends you had in and out of school growing up, who taught you things, your teachers, professors, instructors, the law enforcement officers who keep our communities safer, the people who grow/make our food, doctors and nurses, cashiers in stores, government workers, janitors who keep our buildings clean, fast food workers who serve us, strangers who showed us random acts of kindness throughout the years…
During the meditation, I was surprised at the emotions that welled up in me when we were meditating on this concept. While I felt warmth, love, gratitude, joy, happiness, inspiration, awe, I also experienced guilt, contrition, awkwardness, sadness, embarrassment, grief about all I have been overlooking all these years, completely disregarding. As grateful and reflective as I often am, I still overlook, ignore, close my eyes to so much. But this retreat awakened me even more.
At some points during the meditation, it was difficult to focus, too painful, too awkward, too uncomfortable ,at some points, I felt so small, but I once read that the best teachers bring us to ruin, instead of having his/her students clapping and cheering, s/he has them in silent awe, mouths gaping open in disbelief, astonishment, heads held low in embarrassment, remorse, guilt at all they have been ignorant of. These aren’t the words that I read but the same concept. I’m paraphrasing, capturing the sentiment. And it’s what I felt during the classes.
I invite you to try this activity. Just sit or lay in a quiet place or listen to some gentle, wordless, music and reflect on and feel gratitude for all those who have shown you kindness and love, even the ones you never met, the people who grow/make the food to be sold in
stores, your family and all the things they have done for you through the years, your friends, acquaintances, pets, neighbors, strangers you remember who showed you love in some way, the doctor who was your biological mom’s when she was pregnant with you, the persons who safely delivered or assisted in delivering you when you were born, your ancestors who all led to you, singers, celebrities who inspire you, all of the people in this life who help you or have helped you in any way no matter how seemingly simple or small.
We are also encouraged to think of and give thanks for those we haven’t yet met but will meet in the future. Future best friends, coworkers, family members, future children, strangers we’ll meet at a Busstop, walking up the street, a new neighbor who may move in near you and become like family to you, the employees in restaurants and cafes we will go to, future lover/s, there are infinite opportunities waiting to unfold for us to meet various kinds of beautiful people. And experience many more beautiful things. This brought and still brings me so much hope. To think of all those people and all those experiences and opportunities that are still to come to me, tomorrow, next year, in twenty years and more….
Think of and give thanks for all these people and animal friends and experiences who bless and will bless your life.
And let us give thanks for all our blessings.
Also let’s remember to accept defeat upon ourself and offer the victory to them. Even when we know without a doubt that we are right and they are wrong. Love is more important than being right.
You may think “why should *I* be the one to give in?” We have control over our own selves, not others. It’s up to them to decide what to be and up to each one of us to decide for ourself.
I hope you choose to be all that you can be in each moment. You probably won’t always live up to that goal but on many occasions you will and that’s fantastic.
We will have setbacks and succumb to selfish ways again and again. We will expect things that others will not do for us, we will cherish ourself and ignore the needs and desires of others, we will be ungrateful, angry, and negative sometimes because we are not fully enlightened. And that’s ok. We can just be as loving as we can and when we fall, gently remind ourself that love is the Way.
When we keep putting others first over and over and being kind to people being rude, we will very likely still feel annoyed or angry even if we don’t act on it. That’s ok. Eventually we will be better and better at putting others always first while still feeling happy and pleasant about it.
3.) And remember to view each unpleasant encounter with someone as an opportunity to practice becoming more loving, more patient. It’s a habit that must be maintained to keep it going. It’s an ongoing journey. Practice, practice, practice. Challenging encounters are a good thing.
“No one ever learns to be a great driver by just driving upon a straight road.”
4.) “It is like a diamond, like the sun, and like a medicinal tree.”
That is to say that when we train our minds by following the instructions of Geshe Chekhawa’s text on being more compassionate, loving, kind, meditative, offering the victory, accepting defeat, any little thing we do is good. Even if it’s just a sliver of what he teaches. When a diamond is cut into little pieces, every fragment, even the most microscopic piece, is extremely valuable. Geshe Chekhawa’s text is best when practiced as a whole, but like a broken diamond, even the smallest part is extremely valuable. Priceless are his teachings, even when only part is followed. Sunlight completely dispels all darkness but even just a few beams of golden sun provide some light. If we practice his full text, we completely dispel all of our darkness of ignorance but just engaging in some parts of the practice is incredible. Even just one moment you choose kindness as opposed to lashing out, it is like a beam of sun. Beautiful.
And just as every part of a medicinal tree (roots, trunk, branches, leaves, flowers, and fruit) provides medicine, so every part of the instructions on training the mind provide insight, relief, invaluable information to us.
Every word of his is infinite wisdom.
And you don’t have to be a Buddhist or plan on becoming one to incorporate some Buddhist views such as these, into your world. Even if you have another religion, universal love is compatible with it.
I purchased a book at the retreat called “Universal Compassion” by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, who is the teacher of the monk who teaches our class. I love his books and have many. This is the book I mentioned above on training the mind to be completely selfless but still completely happy and peaceful in general. It is a beautiful and practical book that helps us train our brains to be all that we can be.
Geshe Chekhawa’s teachings are mentioned there. It’s based on his wisdom.
These are just some of the things I learned during the retreat and practice, meditate upon in class every week and at home during my meditations and everywhere I go. I’m so thankful I attended and have awakened to so much wisdom and experienced amazing things during meditation and lectures. It’s amazing to be surrounded by people who have similar goals and interests as me. I hope I can remember and share bits of wisdom I learn each week/day and share it along with my own experiences and struggles, to help others.
Links on Metta(universal love):
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm
http://www.wildmind.org/metta/introduction/what-is-metta
Lovingkindness meditation:
Desktop:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM&app=desktop
Mobile:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM&app=m&persist_app=1
This page, below, has free mp3’s for songs and meditations/guided meditations about love & compassion.
http://www.buddhanet.net/audio-library.htm
May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be peaceful.
May you be loved.
Xoxo Kim ❤ ❤
“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” ~ Henry David Thoreau ❤
I have thin, super thin, psychological boundaries but I have learned to handle it well and I see it as a true gift and pure strength. Thin psychological boundaries means I often have difficulty emotionally separating myself and others. When someone suffers either physically or emotionally or experiences pleasure or joy, I feel almost as if it’s happening to me. It literally hurts me, even physically when someone else hurts. And elates me or fills me with sheer joy when someone else is thrilled or elated. Even if the person isn’t someone I like much or someone I don’t know or even on TV or a fictional character in a book.
One day a psychic program on TV was on in my house. I don’t believe in psychic abilities or that psychics are real but it can still be interesting.
I was sitting on the sofa while it was on and saw parts of it.
The psychic lady said a lady’s neck was snapped by a murderer in some room in a house somewhere that the psychic lady was standing in and the psychic lady got all worked up saying she has to get out of there because she was so disturbed over what she “saw” and she said she “saw” marks on this lady’s neck and she was holding her own neck and my neck started throbbing and felt all bruised and my head and face started throbbing on the one side, the side where I usually have the cluster-like headaches, and I was holding it the rest of the day off and on! And I felt the dead lady’s neck injury and the psychic’s emotional distress all day. I know it was “empathy pain,” not really something wrong with my neck. Not an actual headache. I was still happy that day, it doesn’t usually overly interfere with my own life. And I don’t believe what the psychic lady was saying but I believe she may have believed it. Or believed it to some extent. Or is great at acting.
I felt so connected to that psychic lady, deeply connected. Both of us did not have a neck injury at all but both of us experienced both physical sensation and emotional distress over someone else’s painful situation. I often get “empathy headaches” when someone has a headache. I usually keep it to myself so as not to or appear to be taking the attention or sympathy off of the true sufferer.
There have been occasions I was so overwhelmed over someone else’s pain or sickness I succumbed to my bed for an hour or more. I can handle emotional pain better than serious physical pain so it’s often the physical pain that overwhelms me more when someone else experiences it. Both kinds of pain can be just as bad and painful, it’s just that severe physical pain is more difficult to me.
It’s ridiculous and a bit uncalled for to have empathy to this extreme. I can still be empathetic without going to this extreme but it’s not my choice. I don’t have it like some people are said to have to the point they’re almost “psychic” like they feel an overwhelming sense of dread then something terrible happens. Or their chest hurts then someone in the room has a heart attack. It’s just when someone is already suffering that I see of or read/hear about, I feel it too.
Also, unlike with some people similar to me in this way, such as my sister, I don’t feel overwhelmed in crowded places or have to retreat to a place of being physically alone to “recharge” or recover. I can handle crowded places and various people all around me. In fact, I usually prefer it to being alone. I am an extrovert even though I’m very shy around people I don’t know or don’t know well. And I can be around many people and not have to come home and rest afterwards. I feel energized and uplifted in a room full of people, even if I don’t interact with them in anyway. Just being physically near people lifts me.
I used to see my extreme empathy as a blessing as well as a curse but now I just view it as a gift. While it can be exhausting, annoying, ridiculous, painful, feeling as One with others can’t be a “curse.”
I can usually sense people’s true emotions even when they are lying or pretending. I usually catch micro-expressions (the split second facial expression people reveal right before they show a different one – it’s the true feeling before they pretend to feel something else or try to cover it up. If they are angry, for example, anger will briefly flash across the face before they put on a fake smile) easily and can often sense people’s anxiety, elation, or anticipation. Sometimes when one person in a crowded room is extremely anxious I pick up on it even if I don’t know which one it is. I can often sense the overall mood in a room full of people. Whether most people are happy, thrilled, anxious, in a hurry, gloomy….not just see it on their faces but actually feel/sense the energy.
I also understand situations really well even if I’m not involved or never have been. I can just clearly imagine things happening and why. I have a deep understanding.
I think authors of fiction books need a very developed empathetic ability. I’m not talking about being caring and compassionate but a deep, thorough understanding of how situations work even if they never been in a similar one. An incredibly deep imagination. They have to get in the heads of various kinds of people, even people who are so very unlike themselves, to bring their characters to life if they want them to be of substance, realistic, well developed, and believable. They have to imagine, deeply, how certain situations play out and conjure up the emotions of those who would be in those situations even if they themselves were never in those situations. They have to put themselves in that place. It’s absolutely amazing the skills fiction writers have! I love it!
It seems that we often overlook their incredible empathy. We often acknowledge their incredible writing skills and even their amazing intelligence, maybe even the fantastic research they had to do for the book’s theme, but look at that empathy! They can write an entire book as if they are that character or in the character’s head! Mind blowing! I don’t see/hear people praising this enough! It’s the same for actors who have to play characters and not just act, but feel, literally (mentally) become a whole other person! Incredible!
Empathy.
It runs deeper than just caring and compassion. Someone can still be caring and compassionate but not really *feel* or understand someone else’s situation.
And someone can experience a kind of empathy but not feel concern or compassion. For example: I feel the pain of others even just watching movies that aren’t real. There are scenes in movies where a “bad” character is getting hurt like getting hit over the head or something by someone trying to protect themselves or others and I felt like my own body was being hit even when I wasn’t feeling much compassion for the character, even when I was happy when a character was getting revenge.
I have experienced empathy without compassion and compassion without empathy. They often go together but not always.
There are occasions I was empathetic and understanding enough to know something I wanted to say or write to someone would emotionally hurt or infuriate that person and I said or wrote it to intentionally inflict pain or anger upon the person out of my own anger. I was empathetic in some way but not very compassionate in those moments. My empathy led me to know to some degree how the person would feel and I wanted the person to feel anger or sadness or pain. This isn’t usually a good thing and I think empathy is better used to help heal, not hurt. We also need compassion.
Most people have a basic ability to experience empathy; it’s a natural human trait we have that develops as we are growing up. It’s related to compassion. Certain experiences can deepen some people’s empathy. Some are naturally more in touch with theirs than others. And we can learn to deepen our basic empathy into something more. Paying more attention to people and all sentient beings, tuning into our own emotions, drawing on our own various experiences, meditation, trying to better understand, imagining what it must be like to experience something, focusing on the fact that when we suffer or hurt it’s a similar feeling to what others feel when they suffer and hurt…
Empathy isn’t just feeling someone else’s pain but also experiencing another’s joy, happiness, and pleasure.
I have known people who won the lottery, like 100 or 1000 dollars, and I felt like I just won. When I hear of someone getting a new job, job promotion, getting married or engaged, having or adopting a child, getting ready for vacation, I feel it too. The thrill, the anxiety, the anticipation, the sheer joy, the love. I can’t be feeling it exactly how they are as I have my own body and mind/mental/emotional experiences. But I can strongly and deeply sense it.
There’s a definite and deep connection.
It’s hard for me to get jealous (although I have experienced jealousy and probably will again) of people when great things happen to them when I can bask in the joy and beauty of their experiences almost as if it’s my own. When one person wins, we all win.
I think about things like this often and was recently thinking about it again when I saw the news at work.
It was startling to see on the news that in some countries people are dying of infectious diseases in the streets. When they are sick or injured they are left for dead.
One man of an African country, the man who inspired me to write this post here, was shown on the news laying outside dying of an infectious disease. He was writhing in pain and sickness and laying in a puddle of his own blood, a result of the disease’s progression.
There were people standing around watching, sure to keep their distance so as not to contract the disease themselves. And then there was the person filming the horror.
Some moments my empathy or feeling of connectedness is deeper and some moments I don’t feel as connected to what is before me.
The moment I saw the sick, dying man in excruciating pain and sickness, I felt more connected. I felt it with my whole body. A longing to take all the sick, hurting, dying people in my arms so they can feel my touch before they go or before they heal. So they can know someone cares, even if I contract the disease myself. What I felt was both empathy and compassion, a perfect combination. Empathy can inspire greater compassion.
Imagine laying sick and in pain while people surround you at a safe distance and watch, you’re still so alone. No one will touch you. No one is coming for you, until after you die, to remove your infected, contagious body. Imagine them all staring at you, fear in their eyes, utter helplessness. For some of them, all they can probably think is that they’re glad it isn’t them. Truly, deeply imagine.
But I felt an instant connection to a stranger across the world, briefly flashing across a TV screen. Someone of a different language, a different country, a different nationality, different culture, skin color, ethnicity.
I have never been deathly ill or left for dead. I never been to his country but still I know that underneath we’re the same.
Strip away all the outer layers of culture and language and color of skin, distance, financial status, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, and other experiences and underneath at a most basic, primitive level, we are One.
Our basic humanness exists the same underneath no matter the color of our skin, our level of education, career labels, class status, our location in the world, financial situations, our various experiences…..these things are important in some contexts, they contribute to different experiences and struggles for different people and it’s not always good or wise to overlook them, it’s important to acknowledge their circumstances(skin color, country, ethnicity, status in other contexts…) so we can get a better idea of their struggles and pain that may be different than our own, but in some cases they are completely irrelevant. Like in the case of raw pleasure and pain, sickness and health, living and dying.
I’m not advocating for general “color blindness” or anything of that sort, like saying we should all literally ignore our differences such as skin color or class status. That isn’t good either because then we overlook the unique experiences and struggles that someone in a different situation than us may have.
If we mentally block out or ignore the color of someone’s skin, ethnicity, or other factors or characteristics that are different than ours, in the name of compassion or “all getting along” then we automatically mentally block out or ignore the struggles that come along with those factors or characteristics.
People who say things like “I only have one race, the human race” or “forget skin color, we’re all human or all bleed red and that’s all that matters…” or something like that, probably have very good, loving, intentions but promoting that and living that way is NOT helpful.
Ignorance in this way, is NOT helpful or wise or a good thing.
This can contribute to lack of empathy and understanding of people’s situations pertaining to their own circumstances different than ours.
It’s ok, even necessary to acknowledge diversity but accept it. But in some cases differences are irrelevant.
Any one of us can be in the position that sick and dying man was in, our country and our money and our education or language or ethnicity won’t definitely protect us against diseases or death. For some people, truly understanding and realizing this in their heads, can deepen their empathy and compassion for others. And it’s just as bad when it’s someone else as if it were myself or someone I know. Just because I don’t know him doesn’t mean he’s a less important person than someone I do know. Or less important than me. It doesn’t mean it’s good to just go my own way ignoring his suffering.
Some people are more at risk than others because of their location or discrimination they encounter and some have access to better health care but none of us are immune to suffering or pain and dying of disease or injury. And none of us are immune to being targets of cruelty or the indifference of others against our suffering or pain or sickness.
Another thing I saw recently that disturbed and actually offended me(and I’m not easily offended at all) is people getting all happy over some podcast about *real* murder victims. They were talking about how thrilling it is to watch or listen, how they can’t wait for the next ones, how it’s so exciting, how fascinating! Not once did I see any one of these people expressing sympathy/empathy or compassion or sorrow for the victims and their friends/family. These are REAL murder victims, flesh and blood, like us, like people we know, some of them children, some adults, who were brutally murdered in cold blood, some tortured, raped/sexually assaulted, destroyed and discarded like they were nothing, not characters in a book or movie or story, real people. I understand taking interest in these stories but no one here displayed sympathy in even the most subtle way, not even an underlying hint of concern for those involved in the devastation, expressed in their tone. It was all just pure pleasure for their own benefit of sitting around listening to it and having fun while drinking coffee all warm and cozy at home. It made me cringe.
I don’t believe for a second that these happy people who “can’t wait” for the next podcasts about homicide victims, these people who are “so thrilled” over victims murdered in cold blood, tortured and thrown away like trash on the side of the road, are horrible people or sadists, or that they aren’t generally loving and compassionate and empathetic. They may not be, generally, any less caring or empathetic than I am. I don’t believe they were taking pleasure in the pain itself that the victims endured. It’s the mystery and thrill they get to experience, secure and embraced in the comfort of their own safe homes in their pj’s with their cups of coffee.
But they were too “detached” in my opinion, in this, here, case. It’s complete thoughtlessness. They were too wrapped up in their own lives and pleasure they put up too much of a barrier. So much so, they are thrilled over real murder victims. It hurt me to witness and I know if it were their own friends and family members or themselves abducted, murdered, targets of rape and other sexual violence, it wouldn’t be so thrilling. They wouldn’t be so eager to see what’s next. I can just imagine a devastated person close to one of those poor victims reading that people are sitting around getting off of the violent, senseless deaths of the people they knew and love. It’s dangerous to let ourselves become numb to the real tragedy, suffering, and pain of others. Even when those are people we only see through a glass screen on a tv or voices we hear through a phone, radio, or words we read through a computer monitor. Even just distant echoes of pain that come to us through some invisible radio waves in the air. Those are real people. That is real suffering.
I think it’s important to always tune in to our empathy and compassion whether or not we have ever experienced something similar to what someone else has. And whether or not we know those people well or at all. We do know they are someone, someone just like us.
Like us, they have/had a name, a story, a dream or goal, needs, and desires, love, joy, pain, sorrow, and happiness.
Let us be happy for those who are well and happy and successful and full of joy and have compassion, concern, understanding, and empathy for those sick, injured, and in pain, dying, grieving, struggling in any way. But we don’t have to not allow ourselves to be happy because other people are struggling. It’s ok to be happy for our own blessings. Gratitude guilt is not necessary. It won’t help anyone or anything. Dragging ourselves down or not allowing ourselves joy, thankfulness, or happiness, just because others are not well will not contribute to overall goodness to the world, all it does is put more unhappiness or suffering into the world.
And also, one day we may not be as fortunate in the ways we are now so there’s no need to feel guilty anyway just because we are well and others aren’t. As I said, none or us are immune to tragedy and pain. Next week my house can burn down, you may experience the break up of a close relationship, someone we know can die, we can be diagnosed with a terminal illness….But no matter what, there’s always something to be thankful for and happy about, even in pain, chaos, destruction, grief, depression, anxiety, homelessness…
I think we do need some emotional boundaries but not too thick. A healthy kind of detachment is good to prevent burnout, exhaustion, being overwhelmed…. but not when it’s blocking our empathy and attempts at true understanding to some level. Not when we are so detached we forget the real suffering and pain of others. Not when we’re so detached, we feel pleasure associated with someone else’s horror or painful circumstances.
It’s great to experience gratitude for our own happy circumstances and everything but not good, in my opinion, to get so wrapped up in it we forget about those who aren’t so fortunate now, in the ways we currently are, or tune out the depth or degree of their pain.
Empathy won’t always cure diseases or take away someone’s pain and it likely won’t help us in one country be able to immediately help someone dying in another country. But it can motivate us to reach out in some way, maybe to people physically near us who appear to be struggling or people we know online, or reach out to write to people with more power than us, like politicians or people in charge of something related to the issue at hand, or ones who have good things happening to them and we can share in their joy, letting them know how happy we are for them, how proud or thrilled for their accomplishments or fortunate situations, maybe to write a comforting message to someone in need, maybe just to share a link with info about a health condition or situation that needs awareness, to bring more awareness to it and help educate more people. And maybe someone with more resources can see what we share or post and help in ways that we cannot yet help.
Instead of merely thinking “I’m glad it’s not me” or “that could have been me…” and just going about our own lives forgetting the pain of someone else, we can still feel gratitude for our own fortunate situations but extend our empathy and compassion and realize it’s just as bad when it happens to someone else. It’s realistic to expect people to be thankful some tragedy or unpleasant circumstance is not happening to them but everyone is someone just as important as ourselves and our own friends and family and they feel suffering and happiness the same way too. We can shift our focus a bit – instead of just being thankful we, ourselves are ok, we can focus more on compassion for those who are struggling in any way.
~Hug the hurt
Comfort the sick
Kiss the broken
Befriend the lost
Love the lonely~
And when something amazing happens to someone, even if we wish it would happen to us, instead of resentment, we can bask in that person’s happiness.
Deeper empathy along with compassion can help decrease all kinds of things, bullying, cyber bullying, unjust discrimination, sexual violence, other forms of cruelty(against all sentient beings), apathy, even wars and stuff if enough people around the world including those in various governments would better tune into and develop their own empathy and compassion.
Empathy & compassion are great for practical purposes but they also are just amazing traits to possess. They make us better for them. I’m no better than someone who is less compassionate or with less developed empathy but I believe it’s better to have those abilities than not. I’m not better than a sadist, a murderer, a psycho or sociopath with no empathy, but I believe those people would be better people than they are now, in another way if they develop their empathy and compassion.
Not everything is just for practical purposes or actions. Sometimes it’s intentions or just what we are, our essence that counts for something and is beautiful.
Empathy & compassion, especially a combination of both, can inspire and motivate us to act, reach out to others in some way whether just a simple act of comforting words or volunteering time or money for a specific cause or even just inspire us to hold our tongues when we feel like lashing out or motivating us to proactively speak out against someone else’s callousness, which can have a positive effect.
Let us remember when we see someone suffering whether it’s emotional or physical pain that is the root of it, human or not, that it’s a very similar feeling that we would feel if it were us. This can make it more real to us and motivate us to reach out in some way, even in the most simplest way, a warm smile, a gentle touch, a kind word…even if it’s not similar to what we ourselves would feel, it’s still important to be empathetic and compassionate but realizing how similar we are underneath can help deepen our empathy.
And let us not be overly jealous of those who are experiencing joy, happiness, and success even if we are not. Let their accomplishments and happiness inspire and motivate us, not contribute to us being depressed or jealous. It’s best for all of us when we are happy for and encouraging to one another. Let’s celebrate each other and bask in each other’s happiness and success and fortunes.
There’s enough happiness to go around. 😀
Here are some links about Metta (universal love/compassion) & Empathy.
This explains what Metta is, the benefits, and the importance of cultivating an attitude or lifestyle which has Metta at its core.
http://www.wildmind.org/metta/introduction/what-is-metta
Another explanation of Metta.
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm
Here, the link below this, is fascinating research on the brain and empathy. Research reveals that when we are happy and things are going well, we are less likely to empathize with those not so happy or well. We are likely to perceive their pain or suffering as less than it really is. When we ourselves are not doing well, we better empathize with others. We are more likely to validate or realize the seriousness of someone else’s pain or low feelings. In fact, we’re more likely to evaluate someone else’s happiness as less than it really is when we ourselves are not happy. I suspected this before learning of this research. I saw evidence of this in certain situations including the happy people in warm, pj’s at home, drinking coffee while being thrilled over real murder mysteries and not expressing empathy, sympathy, or compassion for those involved.
There is good news. We don’t have to make ourselves suffer to empathize with others. Empathy & compassion are not fixed.
Compassionate and empathetic people can become less compassionate and empathetic (so it’s important to regularly maintain our empathy and compassion) and those who are not very empathetic and compassionate can become more empathetic and compassionate.
Some suggestions to maintain or develop empathy, compassion, and an attitude of kindness are meditation, routine mindfulness activities, volunteering to help others, meditating/imagining ourselves in pain and knowing others feel that too…
It’s also suggested that vigorous physical exercises can help deepen a person’s empathy. These exercises can feel physically uncomfortable and help us realize more what it’s like for others who are hurting in some way.
Let’s not go overboard and exercise so much it’s unhealthy but a reasonable dose of routine aggressive exercise can be quite healthy, both physically and emotionally.
It’s important to do all we can to care for ourselves, be happy, be healthy, be grateful, but keep in touch with the suffering or pain of others.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201310/the-neuroscience-empathy
Desktop link to a video for a lovingkindness meditation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM&app=desktop
Mobile version of the same video:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM&app=m&persist_app=1
Even if you are already a very loving and kind person in general, you and the world can still benefit by practicing this meditation or ones like it. Meditation is calm and soothing and even if we are already or are naturally very compassionate and loving, we can still experience setbacks and it’s important to maintain whatever attitude or lifestyle we want to generally live. Like working out, we must keep up with it to keep it going strong.
Even if we are naturally a certain way, we can strengthen it by making it more intentional and consciously applying it or deepening it.
It takes some practice and maintaining but is well worth it!
May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be peaceful.
May you be loved.
Xoxo Kim
“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” ~ Mayor John Pappas (“City Hall” movie quote)
I have written here often about my struggle with a Depressive Disorder and my journey of healing and remission, suicidal thoughts and contemplation.
My recent post “A Hope in Hell” is about it.
As I mentioned I suffer recurrent episodes, usually for what seems like no reason but sometimes triggered by some environmental issue and even when the trigger is over, I’m already stuck in the depression and it’s no longer about that. Usually that’s not the case though. Sometimes I like to use environmental things as the scapegoats though because it can seem easier to have a reason for being depressed than being depressed “just because.” But the truth is, it’s usually just because. Because I have a chronic condition. A lifelong condition that must be managed and coped with. The initial onset was probably triggered by one or a couple environmental issue/s but even when those issues are no longer issues or not as bad, the damage is done. And it runs in my family.
And some days it’s better to know it’s “just because” because then I’m reminded it’s an illness and I’m better able to hold on and cope til it lifts and do what I have to to get myself better knowing that while I feel worthless and like there’s no purpose in anything, it’s not true, it’s just the illness deceiving me. And when there’s no pleasure in anything I can remind myself it’s because of my condition and I will again find the joy and pleasure I often feel. I find a healthy balance of acknowledging it as the sickness it is but also knowing I have some control of how to react to and cope with it. I can still empower myself even with a chronic illness such as Depression.
Sometimes I have real problems but I know they are not what are depressing me.
Sometimes I think they are what is depressing me and later realize it wasn’t really the problems; they were just an easy excuse.
And sometimes it seems everything is going well but it’s still there hanging over me and dwelling within. Like it’s not connected to anything on Earth and that’s usually the worst.
I no longer have the general depression in the middle of each severe flare up, usually, like I used to and severe episodes aren’t as frequent as they used to be. But they do occur and when they do, it can get bad.
As I also mentioned for nearly fourteen years until October, 2012, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and contemplation, in different degrees, almost everyday, without exaggeration. Serious urges, thoughts, contemplation, usually for hours on end day in and day out. When I turned twenty-one years old, I was able to go for three weeks sometimes, although not often, then eventually three months, then four months, throughout the years, without serious suicidal thoughts or contemplation. But after the three or four months, it would come back to stay until another extremely rare “episode” (interval in the middle of suicidal depressive episodes) of a few months/weeks without death urges would occur.
Usually I couldn’t even go that long though without them. But through the years I worked on my inner self to help me prevent impending episodes and cope much better when I can’t prevent them. Meditation, positive quotes, inspirational songs and lyrics, gratitude activities, various techniques….all help me greatly because I made them a habit. They are ingrained into me now to help me immensely, not cure me or pull me out of a serious depression but help me cope when it gets bad or prevent some episodes before they get bad to where I can’t get out of it for weeks or months.
In October 2012 I had my last serious suicidal thought/urge/contemplation until last month, May 2014! One year and seven months without death urges and serious thoughts of terminating my life! That’s longer than I ever dreamed I would be able to go without having serious thoughts of ending my own life.
I still suffered severe episodes of depression since October 2012 and felt suicidal thoughts/urges trying to emerge every now and again but I was able to keep them under control for the most part.
I’m sorry to say I had a bad relapse recently but it’s true, I did and there’s no denying it. But one year and seven months is a great accomplishment for me. For someone who was dangerously suicidal almost everyday for nearly fourteen years. And I know it’s in me now to do that again, maybe even longer.
So instead of viewing this relapse in a negative way and seeing it as me failing, I will view it in a more positive light as a great accomplishment and knowing I have it in me to live for over one year with no serious suicidal thoughts and urges/contemplation. I never knew I can go that long without those urges and serious thoughts. They were always so much an integral part of me.
My positive habits and life philosophy that is ingrained into me are still with me, etched upon my heart forever but depression is like an illness and it can still get so bad. The positive habits, techniques, and philosophy I live every day are no cure but they’re helping me cope when it’s bad and just be happier and more joyous in general.
Sometimes I get depressed and it’s a heaviness weighing on my life, my body, squeezing my insides and I struggle with feelings of inherent worthlessness and a general sense of hopelessness even when I’m not struggling with or hopeless about any specific problem.
Sometimes I know I can accomplish things just as well as anyone, I know I am blessed, I know I have so much, I know environmental problems will end, I even have basically good self esteem, but still, I’m depressed and want to die. I am well aware people around the world have “worse problems” but reminding me of that often serves to worsen my guilt and depression, not lessen it.
I don’t get suicidal easily over things people say to me and little things that happen in my environment. It’s no one’s fault and even if someone says or does something negative to me and I kill myself after that, that will still be no one’s fault. It’s a sickness. Although sometimes when I’m depressed I don’t realize it’s a sickness and just believe I’m inherently flawed and must escape this life.
I felt this way for weeks, recently. The episode started out as they usually do. Slow and mild. Those are the ones that usually last for weeks or months. Sometimes I’m hit hard with depression and it’s severe, right off, without beginning as mild then getting worse. It’s bad right away, it hits hard, almost physical, like something hard and heavy slamming into my whole body. The darkness takes over me and I am overwhelmed in complete despair and blackness. Sometimes I have to succumb to my bed or sit down somewhere if I’m not at home when it hits, until the heaviest part of the darkness eases enough for me to move again.
This was a great struggle for me in college, I would miss classes, be late, fail exams, have to lay or sit somewhere and just not be able to get back up until way later.
Those ones that come on so fast and hit hard like that, usually only last a few hours or days though, when they come on quickly like that. They aren’t considered by professionals as “clinical” or “major” episodes since they last less than two weeks but they can feel just as bad and be just as dangerous.
This one started out slow and mild and gradually got worse. And lasted just over one month.
I lost interest in almost everything. I mostly avoided most things that I do for fun, like posting here and other places. I mostly just did things I have to do like work, shower, brushing teeth…most of which felt like life draining hassles. I did still read a lot though, light reading, mostly, so I wouldn’t have to concentrate much, nothing that required much thought usually.
In my recent post, “A Hope in Hell,” I stated that a specific, distressing incident triggered the bad episode and relapse of suicidal urges and thoughts and contemplation.
Last month I was crossing a busy street with lots of traffic, cars and trucks speeding. I saw a caterpillar crossing the street as well. They are very difficult to pick up. They slide out of my hands, constantly moving. I try to rescue them and other insects/kreepy krawlers whenever I can, putting them in grass so they won’t be stepped on by accident or intentionally.
I’m afraid when I pick them up though,that they will be so scared they’ll have a heart attack and die. So I’m so afraid to put them in my hands for that reason. I was crossing the street weeks ago and wanted desperately to pick up the caterpillar so s/he wouldn’t be crushed by a car. But the light was changing and as I said, it’s a busy street and big with traffic going both ways. I knew I probably couldn’t get the caterpillar to safety before the light changed and cars and trucks started speeding. I would be holding up traffic so I stopped, contemplated attempting to pick up the insect (or whatever caterpillars are) and decided against it. That it probably wouldn’t accomplish much other than holding up traffic. I believed that the caterpillar would be safe probably, just slipping under the cars, not getting hurt.
But I was wrong. I watched the poor thing get crushed then crushed again and die. I was already slightly depressed for a few days but that day was good before that happened. I instantly felt like ending my own life. I felt it physically all over, my body aching to die.
I was overwhelmed in pain and guilt. I’m still devastated when I think of it.
It took a lot of strength and energy for me not to do anything to put myself in mortal danger that day. I came so close. It would have been so easy. The only thing that stopped me is the fear of hurting anyone else physically while I was attempting to end my own life and the fear of inflicting psychological damage upon anyone forced to witness or be involved in any way.
I’m almost always conscious of how things I do may impact others. And I try to act in ways that are best for all of us or just for everyone else.
Usually the only thing that stops me when I come close to killing myself is fear that it won’t work and I’ll suffer the consequences like damage to my body and along with it, look even more like a loser.
But I don’t always feel that fear. And that day last month, it wasn’t that fear that stopped me. It was concern for the others who would have been directly involved. That’s the main fear that stops me when the method I’m contemplating may somehow involve others.
So I had to hold myself against a wall and battle the urges violently flowing through me in waves, pressing my body against it hoping desperately they would soon subside. Hoping desperately I would be able to walk home without the violent urges threatening my life.
I had to try hard to not have one little lapse in judgment that would result in a serious catastrophe for a lot of people. It took all I had in me.
They’re not always mere thoughts; they escalate to urges, almost physical, almost seeming impulsive. Like I have to go. And it has to be now. Right now. It’s not a choice to experience them but it IS my choice to give into them and end my life or battle them and not give in and end it. Physical actions are NOT beyond my control. I have a choice how to act even though I don’t always have the choice how to think or feel.
I don’t go into great detail in person or in writing about my suicidal urges and fantasies out of fear of triggering distress in someone who may already be unstable or distressed. Especially in writing, for anyone at all has access to it and can read it over and over whenever they want. I’m very open in general about my condition but I don’t take chances like that.
Also I don’t usually tell people when I’m currently struggling or I try to lessen the blow by down-grading the severity of it til it’s over, then sometimes I tell how bad it was.
I said before I’m so used to it that sometimes I’m way too casual when speaking of it and talk about it as if I’m talking about my plans for the weekend or my favorite book or movie or like someone would speak of a trivial problem s/he’s having. I tend to forget now and then the way it shocks the hell out of people and that it’s not a problem most people are used to encountering like that. And I don’t always like the reactions I am met with.
Lol As devastating as it is it’s also quite amusing in a way.
Or maybe I’m the only one who thinks so. I got in trouble my whole life since I was a little girl for laughing at inappropriate things, like something spilling, someone falling, kids being bad in school, someone putting a worm on the teacher’s desk in high school and her screaming…and I’m very easily genuinely amused even over stuff most people would probably find just plain stupid. I have belly laughs that hurt almost everyday, even when I’m by myself, over the dumbest things that wouldn’t even faze anyone else.
Even though I struggle with severe depression, I’m still a lighthearted girl who can find light, love, and laughter just about anywhere.
One night, a few weeks ago, I really contemplated ending it all. It was on my mind frequently everyday, day and night. When I would wake up in the morning, it was on my mind. That one night I felt I had to make a choice. I could only feel two strong emotions for the most part, severe emotional pain with the desire to end everything good and bad alike, and powerful love. I still felt love in me for everyone, universal love. It wasn’t completely masked by the pain and desire to die. It was at my surface. Swirling in me, tempting me to give in and surrender to it. It was in my consciousness, breathing, pulsating strong as ever in sync with the rhythm of my heartbeat.
Like it always is and is now.
Venturing through my veins.
It was like a tug of war game.
One force, a deadly force, pulling me one way and a loving, life affirming force pulling me the other way. It’s exhausting.
As much as I wanted to kill myself, I gave into the love instead. I let the death wishes and suicidal pain take the back burner, summoning my love to the forefront of my brain and my whole being, even more. I decided to stay alive and battle the deadly urges, threatening my life, just so that I can go on loving. Everyone and everything I can. In any ways I can.
Love is so healing. Even when it feels I’m not loved in return. I believe it’s better to love than be loved if I can’t have both. Throughout my days I have experienced rejection, in various forms, on some occasions, by people I wanted to be friends with, one’s I hoped to develop some form of relationship with. While it can be quite agonizing, there’s some kind of comfort knowing I’m still able to love those who reject me. I’m still able to love in many ways. In the form of a positive affection directed at the person even if just in my head, wishing people the best whether or not they want the best for me or even care, still thinking and speaking positively of those who don’t love me.
Love heals.
Love can be a strong positive affection(romantic or platonic) for someone or something with no action taken. Or it can be a verb, an action, an expression.
When we reach out to help, heal, comfort…we reach out in love.
Maybe I will never accomplish anything great, maybe I’ll never save someone’s life but I can do simple things with great love. Share an uplifting quote, go the distance to help someone in need, provide hugs and smiles to all I can…there are limitless possibilities and reasons for carrying on in the midst of all the pain.
I couldn’t pull myself out of the depression or completely stop the thoughts of killing myself but I was still able to choose to live and not give into them.
Now I’m very happy again, so hopeful and inspired everyday again. It’s so strange and fascinating how that can happen like that. How nothing can change environmentally or in any way but my general mood changes dramatically. I’m inspired to take pictures again, to write, to put on my makeup and look pretty. To look up at the sky and feel an even greater depth of joy than I felt in the midst of my depression when I looked at it in awe. The feelings of worthlessness are gone, the hopelessness, the darkness, the despair. It’s all gone, just because I held on. Time itself healed it. It was nothing I did. I just carried on and coped as best I could and here I am, back again!
That itself is inspirational, the fact that I did little else but hold on and it eventually ended.
If you ever feel like giving up or giving in whether it’s something like suicidal urges or something not so dramatic like maybe just lashing out in anger or carrying out actions based on strong unpleasant emotions or thoughts, I hope you will instead tap into the love in you, bring it to your consciousness, and act on that instead. Like I did when I came so close to selling out. Maybe it’s love for yourself, another person, an animal, a thing, an activity, anything, universal love for all sentient beings….anything. Just summon whatever sweet love you have in you and act on or bask in it.
It’s ok to experience and acknowledge those unpleasant, painful, destructive, thoughts, feelings, and emotions but you don’t have to give into them and let them conquer you. Let love conquer instead. Let love prevail.
“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.” ~ LeeAnn Womack (I Hope You Dance)
“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut
“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” ~ Mother Teresa
“I am here to serve. I am here to inspire. I am here to love. I am here to live my truth.” – Deepak Chopra
“Love everybody for who they are. We’re not supposed to try to change people. We should allow people to be who they are and love them as they are.” ~ Dolly Parton
“The meaning of life is to love yourself completely, free yourself and others of guilt, and become totally visible no matter the risk.”
Surrender to universal love.
Xoxo Kim
P.s. When you get the choice to sit it out or dance…….
I hope you dance.
