Tag Archive | caring

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain <3

(old picture of me I recently found taken on December 31, 1991, I was 5 years old

“I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today.” ~Og Mandino

Two days ago in one of my posts I mentioned that I’m struggling with symptoms of depression. I can feel an impending episode of severe depression about to hit. It’s starting out like all the others. Sometimes I can prevent it if I really try hard before it pulls me in to the point of no return for weeks or months.

I can feel suicidal feelings and thoughts about to manifest. I don’t want this to get out of hand so I made a conscious decision yesterday afternoon to do all I can to try to keep it right where it is until it goes or to help lift it. I am so tempted to give in and cave but I keep going. I feel as if I’m about to crumble but I’m staying strong. It’s not easy. It’s extremely difficult.

I can see things all around me that I find immense joy in when I’m not depressed. Crunchy & colorful Fall leaves, the beautiful sky and city lights, animals, people, the sounds all around, pumpkin Spice coffee & hot tea….

I see things I want to want, things I want to be interested in.

But I feel disconnected like I’m not taking full pleasure in it all. I am having memory & concentration problems. Forgetting the simplest things. When an episode is coming on, my senses often become less sharp, things seem bland like There’s no flavor or rhythm in anything, I get furious off and on (I generally don’t have anger issues), I take every little thing too personally when any other day I wouldn’t even care about it, I have an extreme low feeling beyond a normal low mood, everything looks bleak and gray….stuff like this.

One thing that helps me immensely is quotes & positive writings. I love, love, love quotes that inspire me and bring me a sense of consolation. I love to read them, meditate upon them, and share them with others. Sharing is caring.

So I decided to compose a list here of comforting quotes of hope & strength to help me and anyone else who may need little reminders to stay strong & keep going. I also have my positive Playlist of songs I have been listening to.

Maybe I can’t pull myself out of this. And it does feel like it will never end but I can do things to help myself and keep reminding me that it WILL end no matter how permanent it feels.

I want to give in but I know that’s not good. It’s my responsibility to care for myself and do what I can to see it through. If I had a physical illness flaring up, I would do what I have to to manage, ease, and eliminate the symptoms and that’s exactly what I must do with this.

But with this it’s hard because depression saps energy, motivation, and kills the will to live while physical illness often strengthens the will to survive and motivates people to do whatever it takes to keep living and get strong and healthy.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I have depression as an illness and I just believe I’m just worthless and empty and that’s why I’m so depressed. But I often know now that I have a condition and I remind myself that. Last night it was really taking a whole lot of energy not to become suicidal. It’s so hard.

As hard as it is though, I know I have the choice. The choice to keep going…

I’m very happy & inspired because I have been receiving sweet messages by people on Facebook and here expressing gratitude to me for sharing all the uplifting pics, quotes, words,& messages I share everyday. That’s so sweet and I’m thrilled to know I am able to touch lives for the better. Social Media, when used positively, is so amazing for reaching people, even ones we don’t even know, all around the world. Just one simple picture shared or one quote or word of encouragement can brighten someone’s day immensely.

This is another reason for me to hold on, so I can help others, share my stories/experiences, reach out to people in various ways, and inspire as deeply as I can in any way I can. I am very shy at first and don’t always reach out to people first but I am extremely open, even with strangers, when the opportunity comes up. I don’t mind telling my entire life story, good & bad, to someone I met two seconds ago. And I love to hear/read people’s experiences/stories good & bad. I have always been this way. My mom gets frustrated with me sometimes and yells sarcastically, “That’s it, just tell the world all my business!”. Lol and that’s just what I will do.

To me, there’s no such thing as “Too much info.” and people “airing out dirty laundry” is a good thing! ;-). As long as it’s meant to connect with, share with, express, bring awareness to, help & inspire and not merely meant to be a drama queen! Lol.

I accept people and their mistakes and “flaws”. I may not agree with a view a person holds or with something someone has done but I will love the person just the same without negative judgment. I am in no position to judge like that. I am no better or worse than anyone, my life is no better or worse, my morals are no better or worse. I live & let live and I know that things people do that to me seem wrong or not good, usually say nothing of the character or goodness of that person. The best, greatest people can slip, fall, make mistakes. And all I want to do is provide empathy, unconditional love, compassion, acceptance, understanding, hugs, kindness, friendship, support, & encouragement. Not destructive criticism, insults, negative judgments, guilt trips, grudges, or whatever. I was never someone who is outright cold, callous, critical, cruel, and judgmental or a troll. I have always been loving & understanding but now I am even more that way than ever. I have judged people previously when I shouldn’t have, I said/wrote things merely to annoy or anger when someone would make me angry. I have been arrogant. I have been rude. Sometimes I was somewhat vicious but not now. Sometimes I would disagree with someone’s political views and while the disagreement itself wouldn’t irk me, the specific argument would and I would respond unkindly.

Now I only want to put more love out into the world. Believe what you will. Do what you feel is right for you. Stand up for what you believe in. Advocate. Maybe I will disagree with you, maybe I will oppose your views and what you advocate for but I will never oppose YOU, the person and I will show respect for your decisions and how you feel whether or not I agree. Maybe it’s me who is wrong and not you, anyway. Maybe your “mistakes ” aren’t even mistakes, just things I disagree with. I will see you as the whole that you are, the medley, the “miracle”, the beauty. I don’t see mistakes you have made, flaws you may have, things you do or have done or believe that I disagree with. I see you.

“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” ~ Ben Franklin

Here are some quotes helping me tonight. And I hope they touch you in some way as well.

1.) Choose love. Choose to release all resentments.
Forgive everyone. Choose to release all regrets.
Forgive yourself for all decisions that you have ever made that didn’t work out as you hoped.
Forgive yourself for any financial decisions
that didn’t meet your expectations.
Release your regrets if you choose
the “wrong” spouse or the “wrong” career.
Today, choose love.
Choose to love yourself.
Choose to love your life.
Choose to love all the friends, family, co-workers,
acquaintances, and others who share your life.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

2.) Choose what lies in the shadows to be a matter
for discovery and adventure, rather than fear.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(This is a great concept. We can look at the unknown as an adventure and learning experience instead of fearing & dreading it and we can see difficulties as challenges to help us grow & strengthen us as opposed to seeing them as horrible afflictions and seeing ourselves as helpless victims)

3.) Choose to be as a young child –
fully awake, eager for the next experience.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

4.) Life is lived in the living.
Set aside convention, caution,
and arbitrary “rules” about how
life is supposed to be lived.
Choose! Explore! Adventure!
Live life to the fullest.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(yup, follow your own way)

5.) Choose Inner Peace.
Nothing is worth losing your inner peace.
Take action as circumstances require,
but never surrender your inner peace.
Stop. Breathe deeply.
Close your eyes and breathe deeply again.
Then, and only then, take action –
from a peaceful heart.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

6.) Affirmation:
Today I choose the higher road –
the path of charity, acceptance,
love, selflessness, kindness.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

7.) Live life with no regrets and no resentments.
Whatever happened in the past,
forgive yourself and others. Choose love.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

8.) It is nearly a certainty that some
of your expectations will not be met today -choose Joy anyway.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(beautiful! :-D)

9.) Much in life can be seen as ugly or beautiful – it’s our choice.
Why would we choose to see any part of life as ugly?
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(yes, let’s choose to look for beauty everywhere we can)

10.) Choose to Dance Lightly With Life.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(yeah, don’t be so serious, lighten up. ;-))

11.) “The doors of wisdom are never shut.” ~ Ben Franklin

(so true, no matter what happened or is happening, there is a glimmer of hope still sparkling and an opportunity to learn & grow)

12.) “Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.” ~ Ben Franklin

(this reminds me that one little negative thought or action can really take a great toll on me but one little positive thought or action can help me immensely.)

13.) “To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.” ~ Ben Franklin

(yes, good things come to those who wait but not to those who wait too late!)

14.) “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” ~ Ben Franklin

(love with all you have, take chances when you really, really feel the need….and if it doesn’t work out, don’t regret it because at that moment you felt everything you did/said and also how will you ever know what may happen if you don’t try. if you must regret then do and regret what you did, don’t sit it out and regret not taking action, not loving! <3)

15.) “Were it offered to my choice, I should have no objection to a repetition of the same life from its beginning , only asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to correct some faults in the first.” ~ Ben Franklin

(this is beautiful!)

16.) “We must indeed all hang together or, most assuredly we shall all hang separately.” ~ Ben Franklin

(let’s stay together <3)

Today I am making the decision to give more when I feel like giving up and to hold on when my heart has had enough.

And I hope you, too, will make that decision when you feel broken. <3. Keep making that decision over and over everyday that it hurts.

When I come close to selling out, I will heed LeeAnn Womack’s heartfelt message and reconsider. I will think of that little girl in the picture above. That little girl is me and I came into this world to live and to love and to exist and to be. To inspire & encourage.

Yesterday I wasn’t so sure but today I feel that I’m doing somewhat of a good job kicking this thing in the ass.

“I came to Win
To Fight
To Conquer
To Thrive,
I came to Win
To Survive
To Prosper
To Rise
To fly”.

And that I will.

“I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you’re feeling like you just can’t win, but you’re trying
It’s hard to keep on keepin’ on, when you’re being pushed around
Don’t even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, ’round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there’s something more
And walk out that door,
Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns
‘Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin’

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It’s gonna run out of pain
It’s gonna run out of sting
It’s gonna leave you alone
It’s gonna set you free
Set you free” ~ Gary Allan

“I’ll look back on this and smile because it’s life and I chose to live it.”

(not my photo but I love it!!)

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Keep on keeping on, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

(not my picture, I found it on the net)

The Search is Over

Oct1

“I was always reachin’, you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you
I was living for a dream,
Loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
That was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever,
The search is over
You were with me all the while” ~ Survivor

There’s a book called “Learning from the Heart” by Dr. Daniel Gottlieb, a practicing psychologist and family therapist, among other things. He received a graduate & an undergraduate degree at Temple University and he was the director of a community based treatment program in Philadelphia.
In 1979, Dr. Gottlieb was in a near fatal car accident and became permanently paralyzed starting at the chest down. He was devastated and suicidal after the accident but he eventually learned to live with it and came to love his life as it is. I love his book, it’s very inspirational and Dr. Gottlieb is a very inspirational person. His book is full of beautiful lessons he learned in his life. His writing is beautiful, heartbreaking, breathtaking, and lovely.

I want to share one of his lessons here.
This lesson is “What I’ve Learned About Heaven”. Dr. Gottlieb, in this chapter, is not referring to the religious or spiritual “Heaven” but life itself, here on Earth. He believes that life is wonderful and beautiful even through the pain, struggles, & suffering.

This lesson is that we are already, currently, surrounded by beauty. It’s right before our very eyes. We overlook it, frequently, constantly in search of something more, something better, something somewhere else. The grass is greener over there…what we have is never enough….

But the truth is we don’t have to look too hard to see, feel the beauty in all its various forms right here. Around us, inside us.

It’s good to travel, to explore, to work for more, to expand…but that doesn’t mean we can’t cherish and bask in the beauty we have right here, right now.

Dr. Gottlieb wrote this:
“During a recent vacation, I had the good fortune to visit the Grand Canyon. I’m not a good enough writer to describe the magnificent vistas. Suffice it to say that when most people see it for the first time, they are moved to tears. Not from sadness, but from awe.
At the end of the day, several hundred people gathered to watch the sun dip slowly behind the canyon. Everyone sat in silence as nature did what it does. And in the moment the sun closed the day, everyone applauded. More awe.
And then I thought: But the sun sets every day, everywhere. And it is no less magnificent wherever it sets. The only difference here was in the attitude we all had as we watched.”

There is much wisdom in this. It’s true, the same sun sets everywhere, the same blue sky rests above us all, flowers bloom here, moonlight dances upon our skin wherever we are at night, the stars twinkle for us….

Open your eyes, open your heart and let the world in, in this present moment.

Xoxo Kim

Hope

Sep28

As I have mentioned previously, in April this year, my sweet little pom mix, Koko died of old age. We had her for 12 years and she was 14 years old, almost. It’s one of the worst things that ever happened to me and one of the worst kinds of pain I ever felt and my heart will always be broken.
She had the sweetest little face, so innocent and angelic. She was one of the most calmest, mild tempered dogs I have ever known. She was part pomeranian and part papapalya (sp?) and since I was never familiar with either one of those breeds, I never knew, and always wondered which one she more closely resembled.

Dogs don’t generally live to be much older than fourteen years old. And shortly before Koko’s death, she began to change. She was still the happy, sweet little girl she has always been but she began to be very slow and did not jump up to greet me as much, her breathing was different but she wasn’t sick or suffering. I knew deep inside it wouldn’t be much longer before we wouldn’t have our sweet girl with us anymore. It was/is heartbreaking.

One day, a few days before Koko died, I was in Center City, Philadelphia with my family and I saw a lady walking two very small dogs who look exactly like Koko. Their faces are identical to hers except theirs are white while hers was tan. They look so innocent, sweet, angelic…so calm and peaceful like Koko always looked and always was.

I found these two babies to be beautiful but I felt my heart break some more knowing that soon, I would never see that face again except for in pictures.

A few days later Koko died. I was devastated, to say the least. Many days and nights I jumped up in a panic with my heart nearly pumping out of my chest thinking, how can this be, how can she really be gone, how can I go on without my baby? I was angry for months, not at anyone or anything specifically, just furious off and on month after month. There are even a few days I wanted to die, the pain, the loss, the grief, the sorrow, was so overwhelming.

Shortly after Koko died, I was in a daze, I wasn’t myself, I functioned like a zombie, I went to a check cashing place with my mom. I saw a sign hanging up about purebred pomeranian puppies for sale by a family who had a litter of them.

I couldn’t believe it. I never seen signs advertising pom poms before, mostly pit bulls and Shepherds, never poms.

I knew I wanted one of those puppies but we already had three and my dad doesn’t care for having more than a couple animals so my mom and me thought he wouldn’t go for it.

I also did not want it to seem as if I was trying to replace Koko. No one can ever replace her. But someone can come along and help heal the pain of her loss.

I copied the number and when my dad came home, he very surprisingly agreed to let us look into it. I called the lady who made the sign. I rarely call people I don’t know for any reason. I’m very shy until getting to know someone. But I called. There was one little boy left who still needed his furever home.

So we went to the family’s house and there he was in a pac n play, standing up wagging his little tail, four months old. I fell in love.

He has Koko’s face. Sweet. Angelic. Calm. Innocent. The face I thought I would never see again. Never kiss again.

We brought him home and I love him more than words can say.

He looks exactly like Koko but he is nothing like her. He is wild, energetic, into everything, he begs and steals, he wakes me up. He chews everything he gets his little paws on. He ruined so many pairs of my shoes, including three pairs of stilettos, he playfully ripped my nose ring out that I had for nearly 10 years and it now closed up mostly, he pulls on my nose with his teeth in a silly, playful way…

And I couldn’t be happier with my boy.

I would give up all my material possessions for him.

He sleeps with me at night. Curled up around my neck, next to me, in my hair, in my arms, he loves to snuggle, he can’t give enough kisses.

He is so little but his heart is bursting with love.
He doesn’t replace Koko. No one ever will. My heart will always ache for Koko. My grief will always remain. But I love Emmy, my new baby, just as much.

My grief escalates now and then, it gets better and worse but will never go. And I don’t want it to go. I can still be happy with grief.

I carry Koko in my heart always & forever.

We cannot always choose what happens to us but we can learn how to effectively react to things and keep on going and going until things get better.

My message is one of hope. When Koko was on the verge of death and after her death, I was hopeless, sometimes to the point of despair. I never imagined something good would later come my way. But I was wrong. There’s always hope even if we can’t currently feel it. Things can turn out better than we could have ever imagined.

Keep going, keep living….
Wake up & live all over again….
You can be stronger than you think.
You never know who you are inspiring.
Who is falling in love with your smile.
Who is touched by your kindness.
Who wants to kiss away your tears.
Whose life is greatly impacted by yours.

“When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
– Anonymous

“What do we live for, if it is not
to make life less difficult for each other?”
– George Eliot

“There are no hopeless situations;
there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”
– Clare Boothe Luce

“Today I choose the higher road –
the path of charity, acceptance,
love, selflessness, kindness.”
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

“Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.”
– Henry Ward Beecher

My sweet Koko.

Xoxo Kim

Life Lessons to my five year old self & every girl <3

Sep16

(me – about three years old)

This One’s For The Girls
Who’ve ever had a broken heart
Who’ve wished upon a shooting star
Your beautiful the way you are
This One’s For The Girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This One’s For The Girls” ~ Martina McBride

“What advice would you give the ‘5 year old you’?“

“I’ve got a song
And I carry it with me and I sing it loud
If it gets me nowhere, I’ll go there proud” ~ Jim Croce

I saw this question and think it’s fascinating and here are twenty-one little gems my adult self would love to tell my little self all those years ago. I would love to equip my little self and any little baby girl & every woman at any age with these life lessons. (And some of these are good for men too)

1.) always keep your sense of self – flawlessness. Little girls often have no sense of imperfection when they look at themselves. They’re proud & want to show off everything they are and know. They like to jump in pictures, be the center of attention. They KNOW they’re beautiful & not afraid to flaunt it. They don’t deny compliments; they proudly accept. They’re confident & comfortable in their own skin. Sadly, probably for almost every girl, this sense of self imperfection gets buried, tattered, kicked to pieces, shattered to seemingly no repair the older they get. And it appears to happen younger and younger. We have 9 year olds obsessed with their own body weight, 5 year olds afraid of what other kids will think of their scars, their looks, their body weight. Look at some old little kid pictures of you. Weren’t you so cute? So perfect? So gorgeous? So un-tainted, a clean blank slate with endless possibilities & new beginnings. Feel the love & warmth for that innocent, sweet, beautiful child in that picture. Now look at yourself as you are right this moment. That’s still you. And now you have even more experience, knowledge, & wisdom. I want every little girl & every woman to always feel beautiful.

2.) Get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger – As LeeAnn Womack says in her song, “I Hope You Dance”. Be grateful for all you currently have & are but never settle and became stagnant. Always find motivation & inspiration to learn, explore, experience, love, & grow, and keep on going.

3.) Build and maintain an unwavering, strong, solid foundation of unconditional self love to always fall back on. Through the years you will encounter heartache, heartbreak, rejection & abandonment, loss & grief, pain, a sense of failure & falling. You will be criticized by people with good intentions & people with malicious intentions. You’ll lose friends, be gossiped about, experience betrayal by people you never imagined could do this to you but as painful as it will be, you will be strong enough to rise above, to bounce back, to use these painful experiences to your advantage, to learn & to grow. And as long as you keep your sense of love for yourself alive, you will always feel loved. Always be loved.

4.) You don’t need everyone to love & accept you. Whenever you feel lonely remember there will always be someone somewhere who can love you. You may not know these people yet but they exist. The way that you are, there are people who can love someone just like you. Also, love yourself.

5.) build others up, don’t ever drag them down – no one is better than anyone else. We all have good things & bad things. Tearing others down will never bring you up, it only serves to show more about you than the one you’re trying to destroy.

6.) always strive to see the good in people – even the kindest people may not always be kind. the most loving people still get angry sometimes. When people are hurt or numb they may act in ways that aren’t truly who they are. Bless others by acknowledging the goodness in them and not just seeing or magnifying the bad.

7.) Accept/tolerate people for who they are. You may have opposing views, different color skin, religions, opinions, ways of thinking, different appearances, cultures, or customs, sexual orientation, gender…but we are all equal, no one is less valuable.

8.) always know your worth. You are more than a size on your clothing, a number on a scale, the image you see in a mirror…These things say nothing about who you truly are or how beautiful you really are. You can work to make healthy changes for yourself but you are already worth so much.

9.) Know that you are and always will be “good enough”. No matter what mistakes you make, what things you don’t succeed at, no matter what anyone tells you or says about you. You are good enough just the way you are. And if someone cannot see that, that person doesn’t belong in your life.

10.) always be honest, at least with yourself, about who you are. Don’t change for people who won’t accept the real you. Know your deep inner self, your needs, your desires, your loves, your longings, what you don’t like, what you never want to be…

11.) at one point you may feel that your life has not turned out to look exactly like your peers’ lives. It may seem like everyone around you has it good, better than you do. Maybe they’re independent with their own house, job, money, maybe they’re married with kids or in a happy romantic relationship, maybe they have lots of friends and seem to have it all. Don’t compare yourself to them. Everyone lives at their own pace, their own way. Your life doesn’t have to look like theirs to be just as beautiful. And as long as you are alive & still going, you can accomplish things & realize your dreams. You may not do everything you thought you would do by now or at all in this life but you can do other things and still be happy. Just being you is a great accomplishment.

12.) always celebrate life. Don’t wait for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, promotions or any other “reasons “. Life itself is reason enough to celebrate. Wear your favorite earrings, that pretty lipstick, that sexy dress that shows off your lovely curves, buy yourself flowers, take yourself to see a movie, SMILE! :-D. Keep that sense of wonder & awe. Bask in the beauty surrounding you. Be mindful of your senses and body & all they allow you to experience. Whatever you’re putting off doing until that “perfect ” occasion to celebrate, whatever you’re putting your happiness on hold for, let go & do that now, be happy now. Cherish the simple joys of living.

13.) follow your own dreams, plans, and goals and at your own pace. Don’t succumb to the demands or expectations or desires of family, friends, society, or others who try to get in your way. Many may have good intentions for you. Kindly listen to what they have to say, thank them for their input, and then go on your own way, following your own path.

14.) Be happy anyway. 😀

15.) Always keep your hope alive. No matter what pain you are currently experiencing and how difficult it seems, as long as you have hope, you will feel the will to keep going.

16.) Whenever you do not succeed how you wanted or planned, even if you feel like you failed, still be proud that you had the motivation to try, be proud that you ever had a dream. Take Jim Croce’s message: “I’ve got a song
And I carry it with me and I sing it loud
If it gets me nowhere, I’ll go there proud” ~ Jim Croce

17. ) always acknowledge the true gift you are – you are a true & rare gift to this world. You, just like every other person, have something positive to contribute to the world around you. You can fill a space no one else can. Again as LeeAnn Womack says, “When you come close to selling out, reconsider.”. Never give up on yourself. There will always be people better at things than you and worse at things than you, people will have more & people will have less but there will never, ever be another you. Never forget that.

18.) “Always be a little kinder than necessary.” ~ James M. Barrie <3. To yourself & others. Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend or someone else you love. Remember you are just as much of a person as all those people you love. Go easy on yourself, forgive yourself, be gentle with you, set realistic goals for yourself, don't hold yourself to impossible standards and then feel low for not achieving them. Let yourself feel happy and allow yourself to feel sad when you do & express it in healthy ways. Nurture yourself.

19.) Always know that you have choices, the choice to practice controlling your own attitude & that your attitude about something and how you react are important for how happy & peaceful you feel and think of yourself as a strong survivor,not a helpless victim.

20.) Be all that you can be. Always be the best you that you can be. This doesn’t mean trying to achieve perfection in everything you do, it means being as loving, as happy, as kind, as joyous, as forgiving, as caring about yourself and others, as compassionate as you can be.

21.) Love & laugh without holding back. Laugh out loud! Love with everything you are. You may be hurt but it’s a chance worth taking. Bless everyone with your smile. 😀

So here are some of my lessons to myself, and every girl & woman. Of course if I was talking to an actual five year old I would say these things in more age-appropriate ways but I seriously doubt there are any five year olds reading this and older people probably don’t want to read something here written in a language for a five year old! Lol ;-D

These, I believe, are valuable lessons for everyone. Maybe we haven’t all learned all of these lessons growing up. Maybe we learned them the hard way, as adults, maybe we have yet to learn & really truly apply & live some of these but it’s never too late as long as we’re living.

You may know these things intellectually but do you really truly feel them with your emotion, deep in the heart of your heart?

Whether you’re 5 years old, 10 years old, 16 years, 28 years, 35 years, 40..50..60..70..80..90..100 & beyond…

Always remember, you’re good enough as you are. You’re more than a number & an appearance and so much more than the painful words & concepts people, society, & the media throw at you.

You don’t ever have to be anyone else’s definition of beautiful, successful, perfect, or happy.
Be your own kind of beautiful.
Your own kind of successful.
Your own kind of perfect.
Do what makes YOU truly happy.

Don’t let anyone but YOU define you. Not your lover, your friends, your family, your society, your peers, your media. You define you.

Focus on your own strengths, your interests, your dreams/goals your unique beauty, your interesting and difficult challenges, look at the ways in which you have grown so much and acknowledge your potential and all of your opportunities to grow some more. Nourish yourself & cherish every moment you have been given.

This is what I want for you.
For me.
For all of us.

I absolutely loved thinking about & writing this blog post. I put everything I have into it and it felt so weird but amazing writing these things to/about myself. And like I said this is to everyone who can benefit,not just me. I encourage anyone to write a post like this. I find it to be a beautiful experience. I would love to read other people’s life lessons to their young selves. If you write a post like this, I would love to know!

Blessings & love & hope & laughter to you all!

“To be one woman, truly, wholly, is to be all women.” ~ Kate Braverman

Xoxo Kim 😀

“All around the world
This one’s for the girls

Yeah, we’re all the same inside (same inside)
From 1 to 99″ ~ Martina McBridE

(me – four or five years old)

Beauty in Unlikely Places (updated) <3

Sep11

I have been thinking about things that I find to be beautiful which many people do not. Things which many see as ugly, mundane, inappropriate, disturbing, less than lovely.

Here, I have comprised a list of some of those things:

❤ weeds- I can't count the
moments I have stopped to snap a gorgeous photo of some "plant/flower" I have found to be beautiful, only for my mom or sister to inform me I'm taking pictures of ugly. Dead. Weeds. But I continue on because to me, weeds, are just beautiful.

❤ Rain/snow/sleet – just about everyone around me complains about "miserable" weather. Rain. Lightening. Thunder storms. Snow. Blizzards. But I love it.

❤ Muddy puddles – yup. I take countless pictures of puddles. With mud. And dirt. And stuff. Sometimes they have oil rainbows. I guess car oil does that. I find wonder in the unlikeliest of places.

❤ Signs of aging – Wrinkles, Gray hair, Laugh lines.. getting older is a true blessing. It brings more experience. More lessons to learn & to teach. More wisdom. Many people die tragically young. We are blessed to be whatever age we are. If we live to be old, gray, wrinkled, it means we had more days to live & to love. To bless & be blessed. To see things, to know things, we could have never imagined. Embrace your age. Embrace the signs of aging! Scream your age off the rooftops. Be proud you survived and are still going. ❤

❤ Body fat – yes I'm a girl who loves body fat! It's a sign of health. It has a function. It's not ugly. It's beautiful.

❤ The female physique – I am a girl who really loves checking out other girls. I'm not romantically attracted to them but I find them to be very aesthetically pleasing. Not in a sexist way, I know a woman is much more than just looks! And I am interested in personality, thoughts, views more than anything! But I love girls' curves, clothes, Boobs, nails, hair. I even call girls sexy. Hott. Beautiful. Gorgeous. I have been told "girls aren't supposed to check out other girls or call them hott. ". And I say whatever to that! I like tight, revealing clothing for myself and other girls. I don't see it as disrespectful or degrading. It's great to be confident and love our bodies. If you got it, flaunt it! And if you don't, flaunt it anyway! Lol ❤ ;-D

❤ Dark poetry/songs – I like poetry that can beautifully capture the dark side. Sad songs & poems can be inspiring & comforting. I love happy ones as well! I like how pain can be made into beauty. Poetic, lyrical,musical, educational….beauty

❤ Monday Mornings – not that I'm usually awake on Monday mornings. Lol ;-). So maybe that's why I love them so much! But Monday mornings are, to me, symbolic of new beginnings. New hope. Mornings are always beautiful

❤ Public displays of affection – some people find this inappropriate but I love to see lovers holding hands, kissing, embracing. ❤

❤ Babies with food on their faces, snotty noses, messes on the carpet: I love babies/kids and I think it's cute when they make messes. I would never mind having my carpet or furniture splashed in paint by little creative hands exploring & creating. Just beautiful.

❤ cars screeching, people laughing late into the night , the sounds of the city, music through the walls, the sounds of people partying all night- this annoys a lot of people. Someone being loud late at night. But I have always found it so comforting. I like knowing someone somewhere is up & alive while I'm laying in bed.

❤ pineapple pizza – delicious. But people tell me it's just wrong. Lol

❤ the scent of dogs. Lol I think dogs smell good, their fur, it's just a cute Lil scent.

❤ the feel of dogs licking my ears. Lol. It feels funny & it's cute! 😉

❤ Insects/bugs/snakes/rodents – I like creepy crawlers & not just the "pretty" ones. I also like centipedes, millipedes, sewer rats….

What unlikely things do you find beautiful? Is there anything “weird”, “bizarre “, “ugly”, “plain ” , “unusual” that you somehow find incredible wonder in? If not, take a look. Maybe you can develop a positive habit of seeing beauty where it at first seems there is none.
As I have previously mentioned if we look hard enough, we can find beauty even when it’s hard. Even through the tears, glittering amidst the pain & heartache.

Wonder what it would be like to have a journal of Beauty? Maybe like a gratitude journal but slightly different? You can use it every day or especially when you can’t seem to find beauty anywhere. I never tried it but I will! We can list things we find to be beautiful, any kind of beautiful. They can be things commonly thought of as beautiful or things usually viewed as not so pretty. They can be things seen or things felt. Heard or tasted, smelled.
.anything. If it’s beautiful to you,it matters.

May you all find something lovely to experience whether it’s auditory, visual, tactile, or anything….

Xoxo Kim

i stumbled upon this beauty on the counter at work one night. She’s not dead and that thing is not her leg off. It’s a scratch in the counter. My sister thought she was dead and that her leg was off. She may have been slightly injured but still beautiful. Still alive & well. I picked her up with my hands, gently and put her in the tree outside work so no one would freak out and kill her. 😀

And the picture all the way at the top is in fact a puddle of mud that happened to have a heart thing in it.

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are 7 million.

Gratitude & Pain <3

Sep9

I am struggling today with a severe tmjd flare up. Tmjd is my chronic, currently incurable facial pain disorder. I have pain which is mild to moderate to unbearably severe and beyond.

There’s really no effective treatments other than home remedies. My current flare up is bad but not as bad as it sometimes is. It’s moderate bordering on severe. But not yet to the point when I would scream at the top of my lungs for hours through the night.

I woke up while it was still dark out in excruciating pain. So what better circumstance to write a gratitude list?!

I want to strengthen my habit of associating my pain with gratitude & joy. It hurts. So bad. So I will think of & list & dwell on all of my wonderful blessings.

1.) beautiful uplifting quotes

2.) I have friends & family & people I know.

3.) hope

4.) I have a job

5.) my beautiful senses & body & ability

6.) this blog

7.) this Fall – like evening
8.) Pumpkin Spice coffee
9.) lovely music
10.) adorable animals

11.) my positive attitude

12.) my ability to feel pain

13.) The fact that I am loving & ccompassionate for people whether I know them or not

14.) The fact that I filled out an application recently for job/training for peer specialist /counseling

15.) The stars & moon above me.

So here is my brief list. There’s so much more I couldn’t possibly list it all.

I’m too blessed to be able to list all my blessings. Lol. ;-D

I hope you, too, are feeling blessed. My heart goes out to all of you struggling with chronic pain and/or sickness. My heart breaks to think of it and how so many people have pain worse than and more frequent than mine. I wish I could take it away.

Much love & healing to you. May we find strength, hope, healing, & comfort in our pain & darkness.

Xox0 Kim

P.s. Always remember, “When you’re going through Hell, keep on going….”

“Ordinary” people who inspire me <3

Sep9

There’s a lot of inspirational people in this world who most of us know about: celebrities, authors, politicians, world leaders, other famous or well known people. Ones who people tend to think of as extraordinary.

But then there’s the other people. The ones who aren’t famous. They’re not known in the media or around the world. Maybe they’re your friends. Your family members. Your coworker or neighbor. Someone you met at a bus stop. A teacher you had in school one year, a professor in college. A random stranger on the street or a salesperson at a store, a customer at a place you work.

All the “little” things they do may not reach as many people, maybe the impact of them doesn’t reach people at the same magnitude as the people frequently publicized in the media. But their actions, words, kindness, compassion, & love are no less extraordinary to the lives they touch & warm.

Inspirational people are everywhere.

I decided to create a list of some people who have at one point inspired me somehow. Some of them I know personally. Others I have only encountered once in all my days. But all of their lives have touched mine, somehow, for the better.

1.) The man who stopped his car to ask another man, a random stranger, if he needed help with the ladder he was putting up. “Yo, buddy, you need help with that?” he asked. And it warmed me to see such random kindness extended to a stranger.

2.) The man who noticed I was lost one day and offered me help without me asking. I was lost in Center City Philadelphia a few years ago. I was confused and had no idea where to go or who to ask for help. I walked along the crowded, busy streets and must have appeared to be lost & confused. A man I have never seen before approached me with a warm smile & genuine concern, asking me if I need help. I told him yes, I can’t seem to find what bus I need to get home. He asked me where I was going and showed me where to go. He helped me find my way back home.

3.) The group of little girls who blessed me with kindness which was more than necessary. I was working at the store one night and a group of young girls came for ice cream. They were no older than 13 years old. They all sat on the bench after paying, to eat their ice cream. They were all wearing girls soccer uniforms. After they ate their ice cream they came back to the window and looked at me smiling and whispering to each other. I suspected that they were doing this in the way girls do when they are being malicious. Girls of all ages do this. They can be 8 years, 13 years, 25 years, 40 years, 60 years or older and they will stare, whisper, smirk, gossip, about other girls. Not all girls do this but many do. I wasn’t sure but I thought maybe these girls were doing this. But they were not. They each pulled out money, put it together and handed it to me, “This is a tip for you, thank you” and they smiled at me warmly and walked away. I was and still am so touched by their kindness and generosity.

4.) Diane, the lady who brags about me as if I am her own daughter. I have known her for about 7 years, I met her at work. She has a few sons who are close to the same age as me. She loves to introduce me to new people , loves to tell them how sweet I am, how friendly & loving, and all about my education and interests. If you listened to her,you would think I’m her own daughter the way she’s so proud and so ready to show me off to people.

5.) Brian, my next door neighbor who loves to help stray animals. He is so dedicated to helping homeless cats. He takes them in during storms, feeds them on his steps even though other neighbors get angry saying he attracts them. He goes on doing what he loves, helping animals in need. He places bowls of food near a lot on the street for a mommy kat & her kitties. He comes out at all hours of the night checking on them. He is very friendly & kind.

6.) The stranger who I told everything to in the rain one day under his umbrella at the bus stop. It was after my therapist appointment one day. It was raining hard. It was beautiful. I was waiting for the bus. He stood next to me and put his umbrella over me. He wasn’t coming on to me, wasn’t trying to hook up, wasn’t being a creep or trying to take advantage. He just wanted to help me not get soaked and was genuinely interested in my story. He asked if I live around there I said no. He asked if I work near there. I said no. I told him I go there for therapy. He was interested in why. I told him I have severe depression. He couldn’t relate much but told me his sister can. He asked what it’s like for me. I told him. I expected him to turn away at first, to give me a weird look, a scared look, which some strangers have done when I told them. But he looked at me in no such way. He was kind, compassionate, empathetic, interested, friendly. And he told me about his life & his sister. It was perfect.

7.) The lady who came to my work to buy ice cream and bought a homeless man everything he wanted. He was so grateful, she was genuinely concerned. I bought him a soda. He was so moved. He cried. Said he never experienced such warmth & kindness.

8.) The little girl who came to the store where I work to buy something. She started to walk away then turned back and said “I just want to tell you, you look beautiful tonight.”

9.) The doctors & nurses in the hospital I was in when I was 21 years old and had to get emergency surgery for my kidney. They were so kind, warm, caring, compassionate, & genuinely concerned. I have never been so sick and in so much pain before then. My heroes.

10.) The very patient & helpful Philadelphia detective when I had to try to identify someone who held a gun to my chest and no one in the pictures were that man. Another detective was inpatient, fed up, angry, and bitter with me, for not knowing enough info. Which I understand with all the stressful, heroic work he does day in & day out. But this other man, he was warm & told me how helpful I was and how good I did even though I wasn’t very helpful.

11.) The psychiatric technician I met during one of my hospitalizations for depression. Very caring, compassionate, uplifting, empathetic, unlike many other of the staff members. He cared about us truly. He told us about his own struggle with addiction, how he was hopeless at one point and turned his life around and now helps people who are in a dark place where he once was. He told us we all have an inner sun and to let it shine through, to take good care of ourselves, how deserving we are of love, how capable we are of turning our own lives around. He told us about the “Gambler” song sung by Kenny Rogers and how inspiring it is about life in general, which I already knew but love more now.

This is just a brief list. I have many more inspiring memories/people as well. And not only positive / happy people and things can be inspirational. Tears, heartbreak, struggles, pain, illness, setbacks…can all inspire us and strengthen us.

Who are the “ordinary” people in your everyday who inspire you? I encourage you to frequently make mental notes, and even lists on paper or electronic lists. One seemingly small act of kindness can be so big to the person’s whose life it touches.

You may be touching other people’s lives for the better everyday without even knowing!

You can inspire people in person & through your writing or drawing or singing.

I believe we should appreciate all of the people and the simple things they do and the way they inspire us everyday and I believe we should be the kind of person who inspires others.

Much love, laughter, life, inspiration, & healing to you all.

Thank You, Earthbound angels. Thank You mortal goddesses & gods.

Xox0 Kim

😀

Your Beautiful Body – {awe}, {wonder}, {inspired} WOW! :-D <3

Sep1

I am often filled with wonder and awe at the things around me and within me. I believe that every single one of us should take full advantage of being alive. And not just by realizing your big dreams or doing more of what you love or being around people who make you happy. All of that too. But one way to take the experience of being alive and conscious and make the best of it is to milk it for all you can, yup, milk that shit for all (or awe?!) it’s worth! Lol

And I’m not the only weirdo who thinks this way! Lol. Need some convincing? Here you are:

http://thedailylove.com/don’t-just-think-about-it-–-thank-about-it/

I read that when it first came out and I could not believe how it resonates with me and how someone else feels this way! Wow!

Look around you. Look. What do you see? Hear? Feel? Smell? Taste? The same things you always do, right? All the ordinary. Mundane occurrences. Monotonous things. Nothing special, right?

Wrong!

Everything is amazing. Beyond amazing. Everything is truly incredible. Wondrous. Miraculous. There is astounding beauty all around. Within.

Look at the trees, the branches and leaves blowing in the wind, feel the air on your skin, look at the sky, take in the scents all around you, listen to the songbirds, the crickets, the cars, taste the food you put into your mouth, citrus like the sun, sweet like honeysuckle flowers drenched in morning mist, salt like tears, tears of heartbreak & joy, pain & gratitude..bask in the wonders, the rain upon your skin..watch the sun awaken or set. Or both.

You don’t have to believe in any supernatural beings, religion, or any spiritual realms to see everything, even the “ordinary”, as a “miracle.”

Just because we have instant access to something every single day doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful or wondrous or that it can’t be awe-inspiring. I love that I can see every day. That I can hear. That I can wake up. That I can walk. That I can look up at the sky and feel life surge through me like electricity.

I have been able to do these things all my life and if nothing goes very wrong, I always will! But it just never gets old.

Sometimes beautiful things and a feeling of wonder and awe of life may come so easily, naturally, automatically but other occasions it may be hard to see beauty or feel inspired and we really have to look and make a conscious decision to look for it and receive it.

I don’t know most people but it seems to me that most of us do not have many awe-inspiring experiences or feel wonder and beauty with each breath or even just once a day.

I’m not talking about the overuse/”misuse” of the word “awesome ” that many people are in the habit of saying, like when people say like “that car is awesome ” or she’s so “awesome” or that baseball team, well they’re just so…
Awesome, meaning those things are “cool” or those are what’s up. Not something that’s trendy and “neat-o” .

Awesome like something provoking a deep feeling of awe in us. Awe – respectful fear & wonder. Like the way Lionel Richie uses this word in his song, “Say You, Say Me”.

Yup! Some things are so wondrous, so beautiful, it’s quite scary! ;-O

We see aesthetically pleasing things or hear them frequently if our senses function but how often do we let those things inspire us to the bones, to the core? How often can we feel them tingling in every cell of the body and deep into the marrow of our bones? How often are we overwhelmed, weak at the knees just thinking about the astounding gift of being alive? And not just things experienced through the senses but everything. Everything felt inside. Heartwarming. Look at your friends. Your family. Your pets. Yourself. And feel how incredible it is to have have those things. Those people. Not just like having fun with, & loving them but how amazing it is, the experience of knowing them, of having them.

We take so much for granted. The beauty I feel runs so deep. The love. The inspiration is so ingrained. I have these moments usually at least once a day, usually strongest at night or the early morning. It’s like the wonder of a child, or a philosopher. Or someone who has just stepped out of a life of utter darkness.
As if a big, thick, heavy quilt was just snatched off of me after a life of being covered by it. And now I can see. And I will never be used to this feeling.

What is it? This feeling that overcomes me, breathes in me when everything just astounds me and I cannot believe I am blessed with such shocking, unbelievable beauty & love & inspiration & life ?

I speak of developing & strengthening positive habits frequently and this is one habit that I believe is incredible to develop and maintain.

When we look and appreciate and meditate upon the goodness of these wonders and joys, and look & see with “new” eyes as if we have never really seen before, when we imagine a life without these wonders, it can help us so much to feel, live, and breathe life, inspiration, beauty.

When we think, “What are the chances?”

Think of your body. How often do you think we think of our bodies? Very frequently right? But usually when we think of our own body, it’s about or in relation to its appearance, the aesthetics of it, how it looks to us and others, or when it’s hungry.

And usually it seems, at least to me, when people think of their own body, it’s in a very negative way. It doesn’t match up to those standards of beauty we have in our heads about how it should look or be.

But for once, I would like everyone to silence the hostile and toxic criticism of the appearance of their own bodies and even the mere thought of its physical appearance and instead look upon it with wonder & awe. Not for what it looks like but for what it does.

You think your fantastic car is amazing? Your intelligent phone? Those “I” things with access to the Internet? They sure are but they don’t even come close to the beauty and wonder that is your body!

Your body is one of the most amazing wonders no matter what it looks like or how perfectly or imperfectly it functions.

Your heart. Your lungs. Your kidneys. Your stomach. Your liver. Bones. Blood. Veins. Breath. Nerves. Your eyes. Your ears. Your tongue. Your appendix. Your intestines. Your skin. Every gorgeous curve of your body. Your spleen. Your boobies. (big or small, it doesn’t matter! Lol) Your back. Your spine that holds you. That lovely smile. Your uplifting laugh. Your beautiful eyelashes. Your dna, your fingerprints, your blueprint. Your finger/toe nails. Your hair. Your nose. Your fingers & your toes. All of those things! Isn’t it amazing?!??!

All the things it can do! It allows you to think. Experience. Feel. Live. Be.

Put your hands on your face. Make eye contact with someone, even a stranger, and connect on a basic human level. Smile. Feel those little, beautiful bones in your neck. Look at those lines of life in your wrists. Look at someone else’s body and feel the awe surge through you.

We’re so used to having a body. So used to seeing everyone else’s bodies everywhere we go. We overlook the miraculous wonder of them. The way they exist. The way they function. They way they let us live. My body is beautiful. Your body is beautiful. Breathtaking.

Here are some mind – blowing facts just for you today!

The average adult heart beats 72 times a minute; 100,000 times a day; 3,600,000 times a year; and 2.5 billion times during a lifetime.

Source:
(Parramon’s Editorial Team. 2005. Essential Atlas of Physiology. Hauppauge, NY: Barron’s Educational Series, Inc.)

A kitchen faucet would need to be turned on all the way for at least 45 years to equal the amount of blood pumped by the heart in an average lifetime.

Source :
(Avraham, Regina. 2000. The Circulatory System. Philadelphia, PA: Chelsea House Publishers.)

Every day, the heart creates enough energy to drive a truck 20 miles. In a lifetime, that is equivalent to driving to the moon and back.

Source:
(Avraham, Regina. 2000. The Circulatory System. Philadelphia, PA: Chelsea House Publishers.)

During an average lifetime, the heart will pump nearly 1.5 million barrels of blood—enough to fill 200 train tank cars.

Source:
(Avraham, Regina. 2000. The Circulatory System. Philadelphia, PA: Chelsea House Publishers.)

Check this for more lovely facts!
http://facts.randomhistory.com/human-heart-facts.html

And here ‘s another one for you :

Stomach acid is strong enough to dissolve metal, even sharp objects such as razor blades. Although swallowing metal is never a good idea, it will seriously injure or kill a person before it’s dissolved by the person ‘s stomach acid.
(Li. P. K.; Spittler C.; Taylor C. W.; Sponseller D.; Chung R.S.; Department of Surgery, Meridia Huron and Hillcrest Hospitals, Cleveland , Ohio
Gastrointestinal Endoscopy ISSN 0016-5107)

But isn’t that amazing?! ;-D

And think of when you have a cut or a broken bone. Whether or not you need medical assistance, that body of yours heals itself. Your skin closes back up. It’s almost too good to be true. But it’s not because It IS true!

Imagine walking up a street and out of nowhere being overwhelmed by the incredible beauty of living, imagine the feeling as if you will burst into tears at any moment. Not tears of sorrow or pain. But tears of joy and gratitude.

I want you to love your body for letting you live. And live so well. Nourish it. Cherish it. Your body hears everything you say & think so watch what you say, you don’t want to stress it out! Or piss it off.

Here is something to ponder written by Albert Einstein :

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people; first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy.

A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.

A human being is part of a whole, called by us the “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us.

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

Only a life lived for others is worth living.”

–Albert Einstein

(I don’t necessarily agree with it in its entirety. I like this. Very compassionate & intelligent, generous man! But that last line, it kind of rubs me the wrong way. And not merely because he says we should live for others but the gall to assume only certain kinds of lives or worth living. I don’t think he’s saying we should live to be servants at the expense of our own sanity and welfare but some people may take it that way. I completely agree we should help others and not demand or expect tangible things or favors in return and should have compassion and empathy and that we are all connected in ways. We can help others and love all living creatures without wearing ourselves out to be their servants. We must find the correct balance and set healthy boundaries. But yeah I wouldn’t say any life is ‘not worth living’. But I guess that calls for a whole other post!)

Ohhhh, the wild joys of living…..

“Oh the wild joys of living! The leaping from rock to rock … the cool silver shock of the plunge in a pool’s living waters.” ~ Robert Browning

I hope you find that inspiration, that music in your bones, that magic in your heart, that awareness, & gratitude, those awe-provoking moments that will blow you away. And always remember, even the ordinary is truly extraordinary when we really.

😀

Xo Kim

P.s.

https://livingmindfully.org/

http://www.meditationoasis.com/

It doesn’t take a talent to be mean <3

Aug28

There’s a song I used to listen to over & over when I was a little girl. I can’t remember exactly how old I was but I was very young, not even a teenager yet.

My dad introduced me to the song and I was instantly hooked. I never paid much attention to the words or to the message the singer conveys through her song.
I just loved her sweet, soft, & gentle voice and the music. The song is,
“I’m Sensitive” by Jewel. I remember asking my dad what “sensitive” means and he said it means the girl is easily hurt, saddened, or impacted by other people ‘s actions and words.

And I remember asking him if this girl is really sensitive or if she just likes to sing that she is. I remember him saying “No, she’s really a sensitive girl.”

I remember thinking, “I want to meet this girl.”

I think one of the most poignant lines in her song is:

“It doesn’t take a talent to be mean.”.

This couldn’t be more true. Destructive criticism, cruelty, intentional insults, slander, toxic gossip about others, verbal thrashings, is no special skill or trait and nothing to be proud of yourself for engaging in.

“I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn’t take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way.”

Your words, even untrue ones which were only said out of anger or jealousy or to make yourself feel better about your own life or self, can have long lasting, devastating effects on the people you inflict them upon.

“You always tell me that it’s impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why’s it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I’m hated?
So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way.”

Things don’t always have to be so complicated. Love. It’s simple. Your words impact people. For better or for worse.
So why not speak lovingly of yourself and others about yourself and other people?
Let your words heal, not hurt. Bring people up, not down.

Do you have the right to be cruel? To sling ugly words at and about people? Absolutely! At least in U.S. Culture, you are legally protected by our Constitution and so in many cases you do have the legal right to say unkind things . And I don’t argue against that. You have that legal right. And I support your right. And my right.
But just because we can do something doesn’t mean we always should or that we have to. The fact that we can say just about whatever we want and not get in legal trouble is a gift that we tend to take too much advantage of by taking it to the extreme and spewing toxic things out about people. Just because I argue against your words or your intentions doesn’t in any way mean I’m arguing against your right so say what you will. (the argument that people who speak cruelly of others often tend to turn to is something like “I have the right to say what I want…” but I am merely objecting to your cruelty itself, not you legal right to be cruel; you can, if you insist, continue to be very cruel)
You have the potential and often the legal right to knock people down with your words. But you always have the potential and the legal right to bring people up with your words, your warmth, your smile.
And you can choose whichever you want.

What will you choose today?

“I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we’ll give it to anybody who has some faith
So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way.”

This line is brilliant. What you believe or look for is often what you will find. When you’re in a negative state of mind looking for the bad, you will see it everywhere. When you’re in a positive state of mind looking for the good, you will see it glittering all around and within you.

“I have this theory that if we’re told we’re bad
Then that’s the only idea we’ll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see”

Just like the previous lyrics, we will find what we are searching for. And if we’re surrounded by negatively critical words and allow them to affect us too much, we can start to believe them or just be lowered by them and our views are clouded. But if we are surrounded by beauty, we will become beauty. And our views will be positive and we will see with clarity. There’s is always, always, always something beautiful. To be seen. Or heard. Or felt. Or known. Always. Look for it. It’s there. Let that be what you are and become, not the ugliness.

“‘Cause anyone can start a conflict
It’s harder yet to disregard it”

Yes, anyone can cause problems for others, and drag people down and do things to watch people suffer.
Do you really want to do that? It says more about you than those you slander and gossip about. Even if your accusations and claims are true. Necessary constructive criticism is one thing, cruelty is another.
A person criticizing others just for the thrill of it may feel big & bad but that person is really very small.

“I’d rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me ’cause I’d like to stay that way”

Beautiful ending to a beautiful song. We can train our brains to see the world however we wish to see it. I love how she is a sensitive girl which means she can be easily hurt but she wants to stay herself. Don’t change your beautiful self just for the ugliness of others. It’s good to be affected by people and things. It’s good to feel. To live. To have heartbreak and healing. To be broken then whole. To let people in. To give people and things the chance. A chance to know us, love us, hurt us, and heal us. It’s better than putting up walls and locking people out, we can be hurt, crushed, devastated but it let’s us have deeper, more purposeful relations with people, ourselves and the world than when we live in fear of being crushed. If we lock people out and numb ourselves to our surroundings, it’s true that we may protect ourselves against the pain of rejection, abandonment, and someone we love or anyone seriously causing us pain but we also deny ourselves the depth of true relationships, the sense of closeness, the positivity of people uplifting us, and deep satisfaction of letting the world in. If you make it so you cannot potentially feel deep pain, you also make it so you cannot feel true, profound joy. Is it really worth it?
As the saying often goes, “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved.”. How cliche, right? But for good reason!

I can’t remember when or why I stopped listening to this song. Maybe my cd broke or I lost it. Have you ever just been reminded of a song that was once a significant part of you so long ago? One you listened to over & over and loved deeply? And now you can’t remember or understand why or when you stopped listening to it? It seems to have eventually just slipped out of your grasp and got away . That’s like this song and me. I never got tired of this song but haven’t heard it or even thought of it in decades. Then I received an e-mail by Johnathan Lockwood Huie.

http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

One of the ones he sends every morning with his beautiful inspiration.
He sent a list of quotes and one is Jewel ‘s quote in one of her other lovely songs:

“I’m having a bad day. I am not size six.
My legs are not skinny as sticks,
and, someone’s got to pay.”
– Jewel

Lol
When I read this quote I automatically remembered Jewel’s other song, “I’m Sensitive” and I thought “Whatever happened to that song?! Where did it go?! Where did I leave that song?!, packed away somewhere deep in the abandoned crevices of my brain I no longer tend to.” I vaguely remembered the tune, the lyrics, her gorgeous, soft, caressing, comforting voice and I wondered if I would still love it as much. Hoping I would. I found it, downloaded it at one something in the morning after I opened Mr. Lockwood Huie’s e-mail, yesterday morning. I always receive those e-mails at that hour every single morning and it couldn’t be more perfect.
I was half sleeping so decided to wait til later that morning to listen to the song so I can really take it in and get the best of it. Fully, deeply, truly. When I finally listened again to that song that I haven’t heard since I was about eight years old, maybe younger, I did not only love it as much as I did then. I love it more.

It’s beautiful. And now has much more meaning in my heart than it did all those years ago. I’m old enough now to truly understand it. I have my own experiences now to relate with much depth. It’s not just about aesthetics any longer.

And I hope you always remember, dragging other people down doesn’t bring you up. You may *feel* temporarily uplifted but it doesn’t make you any better. Destructively pointing out other people ‘s ugliness doesn’t make you pretty. Unnecessarily magnifying their flaws will never perfect you. It says nothing about them and all kinds of things about you.
Whenever we feel the need to hurt others emotionally merely because we just feel like it we should stop instead and examine our own lives. Instead of trying to destroy others, we should work on ourselves.
I, myself, am not completely innocent of speaking unnecessary, unkind words about others but I know I am above that and I can choose kindness or at least not choose cruelty.

~Kindness is a gift we can all afford to give.~

Will you be the one bringing light to that person in the darkness?

Xox0 Kim

P.s. I would include a link to the YouTube video of the song but I’m using my phone and can only seem to be able to get the mobile version of YouTube. I don’t know if that can work for anyone not using my phone.
😀

An Inspiring Conversation

Aug23

” I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU. “~Mayor John Pappas (City Hall, 1996)

About a year ago, I had a conversation with someone at work one night. At first, I found this conversation to be very unpleasant but shortly after the conversation ended, I felt energized, inspired, uplifted, and so hopeful.

This conversation is one of the things which has had the greatest, positive impact on me in my journey to recover my suicidal depression.

A person was talking to me about drug addiction and people who struggle and have struggled with addiction. She had a very negative view of people who have suffered substance addiction, even the ones who have overcome it and no longer consume illegal/recreational drugs.

She basically held the view that drug addicted people are lost causes who are bound to go nowhere in life. And even when they recover or heal, they will always be “druggies”. “Druggies” who even after recovering will never find redemption or worth.

I couldn’t have disagreed with this girl more. I see so much potential and hope and light in almost everyone I look at. People are remarkably strong and resilient and can overcome and move forward even when it’s hard. Even when it’s painful and all seems hopeless. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it’s all just so dark.

There can always be light. When I look at a person, even a troubled, difficult, broken person with great obstacles and challenges, I don’t see an addiction or an illness or a mere label or a “lost cause”. I see a person. A light. Possibility and hope. Hope for healing. Hope for change.

Everyone has something to contribute to this world and everyone around us whether or not they realize it and even when it feels impossible. You may feel so empty, so broken, so devoid of life, so hopeless but you are not beyond healing or hope or love.

A person who has struggled with addiction and has overcome or healed that addiction and no longer takes drugs/alcohol has acheived an incredible accomplishment. It takes great strength and courage and dedication to pick up the broken pieces, the shattered parts of self and put them together again and become whole. There may always be scars, cracks, breaks, pain..but it’s possible to move forward and find true happiness, true joy in existence.

Why judge someone negatively for previous mistakes or a health condition or a choice that got out of control?

I have never struggled with addiction of any sort and cannot possibly know what it’s like. All I can know is that it is painful, devastating, heartbreaking and difficult for the person who is addicted and everyone around that person and that it IS possible, with help & support of various kinds, to get better enough to live and be happy living. Whether or not the person is completely recovered with no more urges or still has urges that are difficult to resist. Even someone who relapses now and then.

It’s not always easy for an addicted person to know this or to ask for help or to not relapse. And people struggling with addiction deserve empathy, understanding, compassion, love, encouragement. They aren’t monsters. Many of them may steal and assault people and become unrecognizable to those who knew them before the tragedy of addiction but they are not all bad people . Underneath the devastation and the addiction is an amazing person who can find hope and healing.

After this girl I had the conversation with left me that night I started to think about our contrasting views. She viewed people who struggle with addiction as some of the lowest people on Earth, worthless, bad, taking up space in a world they don’t deserve.

And I view them as the people they are. Worthy of love, empathy, care, acceptance, compassion…

And I started to think about how we need more people in this world with my view. We need people with better understanding and compassion.

I thought of my own struggle with suicidal depression, which back then, a year ago, was not as healed as it is today, right now.

I thought of all the moments I wanted to kill myself in this life, feeling as if I had nothing to live for and never ever would , as if I was worthless, empty, nothing, as if the pain was just too much to bear, weighing too heavy on my life, to go on.

And I realized if I ever kill myself, I kill my compassion for others, my love, my empathy, my understanding, my acceptance, my open mindedness. If I kill myself, I kill all the chances I will ever have to help another, before those chances even begin. If I kill me, I kill the opportunity to tell someone s/he is not a lost cause, not an addiction, not a loser, not deserving of callousness and abusive insults and cruelty. I kill the chance to tell someone there is hope.

I’m not an expert on addiction. I don’t know exactly how to handle an addicted person, especially one who is acting out. They may need firmness every now and then and not all sap and gentleness, I don’t know. But that’s not my point anyway; my point is that we need more people with compassion and positive views of troubled people. We need people who will not destructively criticize and tell people there’s no hope for them.

This goes for any troubled person or anyone who has made mistakes with serious consequences, not just addicted people.

And that if you ever kill yourself, you kill every positive aspect of yourself, your opportunity to eventually be fulfilled and healed and find or create a sense of purpose, and your opportunity for growth and your opportunity to impact the world and maybe even just one life for the better.

You’re under no obligation to live for others, it’s yourself you should live for. But there are people who need you to live, you may not have met them yet and maybe won’t meet them for many years, maybe you never will but your life will somehow touch theirs. Someone, somewhere needs YOU to LIVE. And eventually you will find or create a sense of purpose for your own existence.

Live for yourself and your own empathy and care and love. And live for all of your good qualities and possibilities.

I vowed to myself that night after that conversation which at first I believed to be unpleasant, that I will never take my own life. We should all live for ourselves. But when I used to get suicidal, I did not want to live for me. I saw nothing in me worth living for. But that night I vowed to never, ever end my own life even if I feel like it because if nothing else, there’s one thing in me worth surviving for, my concern and care for others. My empathy, my ability to see beyond illnesses and difficulties and troubles and mistakes, my desire, my longing to help heal and console in any way I can. This fulfills me. I know those aren’t my only reasons for living, my reason is just to be, but when I’m contemplating suicide I usually see nothing to go on for. But this view is something I will always believe in. Helping others, also helps me. We are all connected.

I don’t live to be a “slave” and used by others, I allow myself to be fulfilled by helping and positively impacting anyone I can.

There are many, many people like me who feel this way about people, that they can heal and are deserving of compassion and love. And if I kill myself there will be one less of us.

(No one should kill themselves even if they aren’t compassionate or empathetic or caring.

Since that night, I haven’t seriously contemplated ending my own life. And if I ever do again, I have a sweet reminder of something worth living for.

And there’s also another lesson to be learned here, anyone can be our teacher even those who are unpleasant, even unpleasant encounters can be inspiring and teach us valuable lessons. This young woman who I debated with that night, this at first seemingly unpleasant encounter, provided me with the chance to think about things which have filled me with hope & inspiration.

And here I am today, still inspired, still hopeful, still going strong.

Xox Much love, blessings, & hope to you all.

~Kim

“Don’t judge me by my past, I don’t live there anymore.”

“Possibilities are everywhere.”

“Always go the extra mile, it’s never crowded.”

“Your past is a gift to guide you, it doesn’t have to imprison you.”