Tag Archive | compassion

Altruistic kidney donation update – September {GREAT news!!!} 🫘💚

CONGRATULATIONS TO……….
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MY FUTURE KIDNEY RECIPIENT!!!

(Whoever you are 😆)

💚🫘💚🫘

One lucky, unsuspecting person (possibly two) is going to get The Call soon!

Yup, It’s official!!

LEFTY & ME WERE ACCEPTED FOR ALTRUISTIC KIDNEY DONATION!!

I got the news this morning and have been floating in the clouds since then.

After six months of interviews, extensive medical & psychiatric testing, paperwork… I’m judged by the selection committee to be physically healthy enough and emotionally stable enough to be a living organ donor!! How amazing!!

By the end of this year, my left kidney will have a new home, giving someone else possibly 20+ more years of the gift of health & life!

I’m signing my kidney away today! The transplant nurse sent me the consent form! I can, of course, change my mind even after signing. But I won’t lol

It has been my dream to be an altruistic kidney donor for many years since I was young and first learned about it. Now I’m finally getting around to it! It’s a dream come true!!

I knew I was accepted even before I was told because the nurse was so cheerful. As soon as she said “Good Morning, Kim!!!” I knew! After she told me, I was beaming, and an indescribable feeling came over me unlike anything I have experienced before. This has been my dream for YEARS! I tried a few years ago to donate to whoever was next on the wait list who I’m a match for. But then the virus broke out, and everything changed and was put on hold, and I couldn’t continue the process.

I can donate to any person registered with the National Kidney Registry even if we aren’t a match. If we’re not a dna match, that person would get a kidney voucher, and my kidney would go to the next person I’m a match for, then my chosen recipient would get the next kidney available that’s a match for them (estimated to be a few months after the donor surgery) through my donation. So it helps two people, my intended recipient who I chose & my direct recipient, who will actually have my kidney! Can’t go wrong there! ❤️

I have a specific person I’m trying to help, a 75 year old man in Pennsylvania. I never communicated with him, he doesn’t know I exist. I saw his request on a subway late one night when out for work months ago. He doesn’t have much longer to live because of kidney failure. If for any reason it doesn’t work with him, my kidney will go to whoever is in need who I’m a match for. They’re contacting him to tell him he has a donor after being sick for so long and almost near death.

I thank my transplant team so so much for trusting me and having faith in my ability and accepting me. And also for their kindness and compassion. I told my nurse that today and will again! The whole team is very very kind, gentle, and friendly. Just being around them during the testing melted all my anxiety away. I’m not afraid of the surgery or kidney removal, but the medical & psychiatric testing was a bit anxiety provoking at first lol

I’m glad I chose Penn Transplant Institute to trust my life with!! 💚🫘

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

Altruistic kidney donation journey update – 8/20 💚🫘

Aug20

(this is my FB post last Monday so a week late here – I’m donating my kidney to whoever needs it, I always wanted to be a non directed kidney donor! In March this year I discovered a specific man who urgently needs a kidney so currently trying to help him)

Had another kidney donation exam today (last Monday), and oh was it awkward lol I had to completely undress head to toe and be examined, just about every inch of me inside & out, making sure there’s no signs of cancer. I was surprised and asked “All of my clothes, like everything?” She said “Yep, bra, panties…all of it.” 😳 Poked, prodded, orifices & parts checked & squeezed with instruments & hands. I’m not self conscious about my body or it being seen/touched, but it was still a bit awkward getting my junk squeezed & prodded lol Like, no one touches my stuff.

I was laying there thinking I hope my potential kidney recipient knows what I’m subjecting myself to for him to get a kidney 🤣

All the medical staff were wearing rainbow proud lgbtq ally pins, so that put my mind at ease. I’m always a bit anxious that medical people are going to judge, invalidate, and medicalize my asexuality. Rainbow/ally/lgbtq pins are reassuring & make it seem like a safespace. I was even asked if I’m in any kind of/non sexual relationship, which was so validating because it shows they are open to the idea of non sexual/non traditional relationships. Most of society only sees relationships as valid if they are/were sexual or typical romantic. So it made me happy! It’s the little things! ♥️

I already did all the scans and all required. This is the last physical exam required (other than the dna match, but it’s going to a stranger, so that doesn’t concern me, if my chosen recipient & me aren’t a match, which we likely won’t be, he still gets a kidney though my donation)! I just have to have another psych evaluation because of my history of depression (puts me at an elevated risk for an episode just after surgery) and my job being unsafe to return to until three months after surgery. The social worker is especially concerned about me possibly not listening about taking the full three months off.

I received an update that my left kidney has been selected for donation! I guess it’s not official yet though because the social worker is concerned about my depression history and job.

Overall, it’s all looking good though!

They better accept my kidney after that awkwardness. 🤣 I let someone touch my junk for this!

I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim 😘💋❤️

Tales from the loony bin 🖤😁

Aug20

**The Harvest, fiction supernatural thriller by Sara Clancy** – I got it for free on Amazon Kindle

Oh Billie it’s fresh in my memory
The night that it had to be done
You with your pick axe and scissors
And you with your shovel and g u n

And I liked your late husband Donald
But such torture his memory brings
All sliced up and sealed tight in baggies
Guess love makes you do funny things

Oh Billie oh Millie, criminally insane

Content warning ⚠️: mental health/brief mention of a*use – any censored words is in case I share on FB where we can get suspended

I have a history of voluntary & involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations (for depression – haven’t been hospitalized in 15+ years). The hospital I was in, (I don’t remember the name, but they sent me outside of Philadelphia, I had no say in the matter), had a section for the “criminally insane” (I don’t know if that’s true for all psychiatric hospitals or whatever those hospitals are called these days, also don’t know exactly what constitutes “criminally insane.” {nor do I care, I see lots of boring debate over it in legal & medical contexts, I just have firsthand experience being hospitalized with them, but I don’t know all that legal/psych stuff, all I know is they were extremely dangerous to others, and we were not, though some of us were h0micidal too but in a less “insane” kind of way, not me, I was only ever s*icidal, but one of my roommates was h0micidal against everyone when she would have fits of uncontrollable rage, she was the sweetest thing, small pretty blonde girl who I wished was my friend outside the hospital, we planned to meet up when we got out of there, but it never happened, unfortunately. She was my bff in there, we were inseparable. The staff used to say our friendship was so sweet & cute. We just clicked and even unexpectedly had matching pj’s, which made us & the staff laugh! She had pretty pastel pink ones with penguins, and I had the same but pastel blue. We did everything together in there. If we got assigned to a different activity, we would ask special permission to switch so we could stay together, they let us. The staff said it was good for us that we developed a bond like that and said we were attached at the hip. Everyone called us the prettiest girls in there and said we looked exactly alike, except she had blonde hair and was a bit taller and thinner than me and a few years younger, her hair was long, but mine was longer, nearly long enough to sit on. It touched the floor when I sat on it or when I laid in bed and tossed it over the side. They called us twins and sometimes even got us confused. Sometimes people would stop and do a double take when they saw us standing together because of how much we looked alike. Other patients constantly asked if we were sisters. I actually did not see the resemblance. I thought she was prettier than me but not in a self deprecating way. I thought I was pretty too. But she was striking in a way that isn’t normal. She looked like a model out of a Victoria’s Secret magazine. She also dressed like me. I was told to change when I walked out of our room in a belly shirt and low cut pants. So she had to call her mom and ask for more appropriate clothes because she had the same.

She wasn’t declared criminally insane but was prone to depression & random v!0lent outbursts where she wanted to k!ll anyone who was around her, including herself. In her normal state, she was quiet, calm, soft spoken, like me, and she had compassion for others. When she came out of her episodes, she was horrified at the things she said and her outbursts & threats against others. She experienced an unwanted pregnancy and had an abortion, and her boyfriend accused her of cheating because he said men everywhere come onto her, like that was her fault, and the stress of it all triggered a depressive episode for her. She said with her mental illness she wasn’t fit to be a mom or even carry a baby to term, so she terminated it. I was in there for a depressive episode that came on out of the blue, not triggered by any current life circumstances. She got released before me. We weren’t allowed to touch, it was against the rules. But we hugged goodbye anyway and were so sad to leave each other. After living together, even just very briefly, and sharing our deepest pain and laughing hysterically together all night, planning our escape, it felt like she was my family, like a long lost sister. We only knew each other very briefly, but I already loved her in a deep sisterly way. Sometimes we forgot where we were when we were laughing so hard together. We would paint pretty pictures together and hang them around our hospital room. I was grieving hard because before her, I had another sweet roommate who I loved and clicked with, sweet Holly, a girl suffering of paranoid schizophrenia, who got transferred to a different ward. They took her away and sent me Missy (her name wasn’t Missy, exactly, but it was a nickname I affectionately gave her, which she adored), a depressed girl, who I came to love just as much. I still remember her like it was yesterday. I don’t know that I would recognize her though if I ever saw her again all these years later. I’m still glad our paths crossed. Our very fleeting friendship still warms me, and the memories bring me joy. I hope to have a girl friendship like that again someday under better circumstances, of course lol and more long-term}).

The criminally insane were in a different part, but we would have food with them in the cafeteria each day, three times a day.
I remember one of my hospital friends asking a staff member who they were. We could tell they were different than us. They had a different air about them that was abnormal even for a psych hospital. Most would probably see them as more intimidating. They never scared me, but I could tell they weren’t to be messed with, and you probably wouldn’t want to turn your back on them unsupervised. Most of them were men/male presenting people. But there were women/fem presenting people among them also. They had shackles and more strict supervision. They weren’t allowed to roam the halls or the courtyards or socialize like us. We mostly only crossed paths with them in the cafeteria.

The psych. tech responded “The criminally insane” when my friend asked who they were across the cafeteria.

They would all eat their food on the other side of the cafeteria. Unlike the average or “regular” mentally ill person (or whatever we’re called these days lol I’m sure there’s a more “politically correct”/less offensive term for us), they were very dangerous. They would have v!olent outbursts against each other and staff. They couldn’t really do as much with their hands/legs, so they would try to charge at people and knock people with their heads. Lol They would jump up yelling and flip chairs and try flipping tables. The staff people would come up in back of them trying to restrain them, and they would headbutt them with the back of their heads. There was never a dull moment in the cafeteria.

It’s true, like the excerpt above says, it would be all quiet & calm then all of a sudden, all hell breaks loose for seemingly no reason. And they would set each other off. One would flip out then others would be triggered. They would try to att@ck whoever was there. Sometimes they were so v!olent and uncontrollable, they would have to be taken away to a different facility. Multiple staff members would be dragging them away as they kicked and screamed hysterically until they got the needle (this happened to us too though, we would get the needle or the quiet room for flipping out, the quiet room terrified me, I avoided it at all costs {solitary confinement, a wh!te padded room with no handle on the door n no windows, I have lifelong claustrophobia, which was very active back then}, I would take the needle any day).

It’s not like in the movies where they all have this camaraderie and plan their escape and all together and it’s them against the world. They try to k!ll each other just like they would anyone else. Those b-grade horror movies (which I love) portray the criminally insane as all buddy buddy with each other. They definitely aren’t. They probably don’t even have that capacity. If they did, they wouldn’t be how they are. (I’m guessing not all “criminally insane” people are the same, some aren’t this v!olent, I’m sure, and not all are v!olent against random people, but these people were, some may even be able to live normal lives if they get help, movies generally make mentally ill/criminally insane people out to be more dramatic than we really are because it makes for a more interesting movie. But there are definitely outbursts n stuff in psych hospitals and people who are overall dangerous – I wish there was a better way I knew how to write this, it comes off with a very strong sense of othering the criminally insane on my part, but not intentionally, it’s kind of cringey of me)

The “regular” mentally ill people had outbursts too each day, but not the same as them, ours was more like breakdowns and usually not against anyone. Theirs was against others and furious/more physical. The ordinary patients could definitely be v!olent against others too, usually the staff because the staff has authority, but usually not, and not like the criminally insane.

It’s easy to judge criminally insane people, but I feel sorry for them because I know ultimately they wouldn’t have chosen this life, this way of being, if they had a choice before coming into existence. As v!olent and terrible as they are or seem, even if it gives them a twisted satisfaction to hurt others, if they were asked before they were born if they wanted to live that kind of life or a life as a good person surrounded in love and being loving to others, most, if not all, would choose the life of love, not v!olence. Multiple factors, often beyond their control, all added up (a very large contributing factor usually being a*use or being unloved as a child) to make them this way. With that perspective, I can’t help but have compassion. They don’t want it any more than I do. It’s just I got lucky to have better circumstances, better upbringing, better genes…I lack all the contributing factors that they have the misfortune of falling victim to. It’s easy to sit here in my privilege and judge. But I rise above and expand my perspective and lean into my compassion.

Plastic forks and spoons
No laces in my shoes
They all know what I tried to do
Outside the Quiet Room
This quiet place
It ain’t so new to me
Its haunted atmosphere
Has heard so many scream
My home from home
My twilight zone
My strangest dream
My confidant
I have confessed my life
The Quiet Room
Knows more about me than my wife

This yellow text in the supernatural thriller I’m reading made me think of my own experience. I kind of miss those days Lol (I checked the copyright, ©️, the author gives permission to share short excerpts)

Thank you for any comments & likes I have received on other posts! I will get back to them! I am in the process of donating a kidney to a stranger! I received the news recently that I am pretty much qualified after six months of medical & psychiatric testing! I’m in above average physical health, but the social worker, who is a member of the transplant team/selection committee, is concerned about my mental health history. Anesthesia/major surgery can trigger a depressive episode even in a person without a depression history. So I’m at an elevated risk. I have to have another psych evaluation before I can be accepted to donate my kidney. If all goes well, I get to save a stranger’s life! 💚 The transplant could be as soon as September this year!!

I hope you are having beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim 😍

Big day! 💚🫘

Jun23

He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother ❤️

Today is a *BIG* day!!

It’s Evaluation Day!!

The day I have been waiting for, hoping for, longing for, and fearing just the same!

I took off work for this! And I never take off work! I work seven days, morning through evening.

I’m going in for an mri, ct scan, ekg & vascular testing, chest x-ray, blood testing, a urinalysis, and who knows what else! Six hours straight of non stop medical testing head to toe at University of Pennsylvania Hospital Kidney Transplant Center! Yippee! I’m over the moon! Floating in the clouds. This is the day that will determine (along with a couple other things, but this is the main thing) if my kidney gets a new home in a couple months! 😱

I’m beyond honored just for this opportunity to be evaluated. It took a three hour psych evaluation, some preliminary medical testing, interviews with the transplant team, applications and paperwork, dr appointments, to be qualified to get to this point. I’m so thankful we’re finally here!!

If all goes as planned, out of the blue a random unsuspecting person will get The Call that 20+ years will suddenly, unexpectedly, be added to their life with a greatly enhanced quality so they can live an almost normal life. That warms my heart.

Many years ago I read a story in a magazine about a man who donated his kidney to a random stranger because he had two healthy kidneys while someone else did not even have one. That inspired me and planted the seed in my mind. I just knew that would be me one day, and here we are all these years later!

No matter what, in the end, at least I can say I tried. 💚

I’m wishing you a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

#letsfuckingdothis 😂
#bringiton
#wegotthis
#wishusluck
#sharingthespare
#onesenough
#everyoneisfamily
#thisiswhatloveis
#nothingsgonnastopusnow

Xoxo Kim 💋😘

My kidney donation journey update!!! 🫘💚 {June 2023}

Jun18

Be the reason someone still believes in good people. ❤️

This is me in the park recently! Great news!! Penn kidney transplant team said they are confident I am going to be accepted as a living kidney donor! They said recently during my hours long psych evaluation that my medical/family/individual/health…history is ideal for being a living donor. I am very unlikely to have any surgical related complications or complications relating to only having one kidney. They are not concerned at all about my jugular vein situation (still going to be getting a scan on it though just to be sure, I shared here before that my jugular vein seems to be obstructed/malfunctioning). They are slightly less confident than they would be because of a kidney stone I had in 2007. They said that may put me at elevated risk for currently having a kidney stone that I don’t know about that they could see on the CT scan next week. They said that’s likely not the case but to prepare myself for the possibility of rejection if so. A kidney stone in someone who only has one kidney can result in instant kidney failure. So if I have an asymptomatic stone in there somewhere, I’m out! Let’s hope not because I want to help someone so much!! Hearing this did give me slight anxiety about possibly being rejected, but at least even if it were true, it wouldn’t be a health threat to me. So there’s that. If anything, I thought the vein would be what gets me rejected. Lol That thing has been giving me health anxiety even though I kind of like it 😁😆

**My 24 hour urine jug that came in the mail as a surprise to me 😆 It’s to see if I have a kidney stone even though they’re also going to do a CT scan**

This is the man I’m trying to donate my kidney to! His name is Don, and he is 74 years old and in urgent need of a kidney. He doesn’t have much longer to live. He doesn’t know I exist yet. If I’m healthy enough, the transplant team will call him and tell him he has a kidney donor and that 20+ years will be added to his life and the quality of life, greatly enhanced.

Here is my social media post:

This man needs a kidney transplant and is having great difficulty finding a donor. He doesn’t have much longer and can’t wait for a deceased donor.

Around 200 strangers volunteered to give him one of their own kidneys. They were all rejected by the transplant teams. It’s extremely difficult to be accepted as a living donor. Nearly everyone has something that can disqualify them.

It’s so heartwarming though to think that 200 strangers volunteered. 200 people volunteered to have their organ removed while still alive to save a stranger’s life. And imagine how many more would if they knew about him.

This is not as rare as people may think! And it’s becoming even more common. There are so many caring people out there who would go to any length even for someone they never met and may never meet. Because everyone is someone.

If you think you may be qualified or even not(the transplant team will decide), please try to help! I think they can send the kidney on an airplane if you aren’t close in location. He lives in Pennsylvania, where I am. I am currently being evaluated, and things are looking good. But just in case, it would help if more people would try. 💚🫘

I hope so much he gets his perfect kidney soon whether mine or someone else’s.

Please share this!!!

https://www.phillyburbs.com/story/news/local/2023/05/04/doylestown-man-search-for-kidney-donor-live-donation-national-kidney-registry-pa-bucks-county/70164192007/?fbclid=IwAR0bK_4GLGtXr5BSFe00vw2dIsjQdqVpPaeDOvCei08ZvBVI8OlZGcxbcQ0

https://www.kidney2don.com/

Here is another social media post of mine that is kind of funny lol :

I was in the park this morning sitting in the grass trying to have one of those zoom-like meetings where we can see people live through the screen. Random dogs kept insisting on coming up to me, and one was 💩ing in back of me 😆 (maybe they sense I’m a pet nanny or maybe just thought I was down for a visit with them because I was in the grass 😍)

Now, I think it’s funny, but when it was all happening I was a tad annoyed that people were all coming around me walking dogs and stuff when I was talking to people through a screen trying to impress them and show them I’m qualified (I was also being asked awkward questions for strangers standing next to me to overhear, like “Have you accepted money for s*x, have you had s*x with someone with an sti, have you had s*x with someone who has used a needle not prescribed to them by their doctor, have you had s*x with someone who has had s*x with someone who…, have you tested positive for Syphilis or Chlamydia…? 😆 Not that these should be taboo topics or anything or that anyone should feel awkward/embarrassed about that stuff itself, just awkward in this context where random strangers and their dogs were basically in a therapy session with me. I couldn’t be home and had nowhere else to go so had to have a three hour psych evaluation in a busy park) . Lol 😆

(I censor words that can get our accounts suspended on social media or can be trigger words for some people with trauma history)

I am so happy and overwhelmed with joy throughout this whole process. I have faith that it will all work out, but even if in the end the transplant team decides it’s best for me not to donate for whatever reason, I will still be so thankful and honored that I made it to this point and will continue to bring awareness to living kidney donation.

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where
But I’m strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

So on we go
His welfare is my concern
No burden is he to bear
We’ll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

This is my favorite version of this song. It is so beautiful. ❤️ Let’s help each other whenever we can and carry each other through. This video here has some v!olent scenes in it, but I’m sure there’s other videos with this song that don’t have scenes like that. The song is about helping others and seeing everyone as our own family.

**This is my schedule for medical testing this Friday! I blocked out the numbers in case they don’t want us to share, don’t know what they’re for. ❤️**

Living kidney donation is usually a six month long process beginning with the application to volunteer to give one of our kidneys to someone else and ending with the surgery if we are accepted. The six months is full of interviews, paperwork, medical and psychiatric testing. It can seem overwhelming at some points but is well worth it to save a life and enhance the quality. If all goes well my surgery should be in September or October at latest. I haven’t been accepted to donate yet, but things at the moment are looking up!

I’m confident that it will all work out in our favor! 💚🫘

#wishusluck !!!
#onesenough
#everyoneisfamily
#universallove
#sharingthespare
#sharingthelove
#holdonimcoming

Wishing you love & light & health wherever in the world you are 💚

Xoxo Kim

Sometimes the only choice is…🖤

Jun3

Sometimes the only choice is how you face it.

Topic: Death, dying, illness, end of life, acceptance

I watched “Extremis” and “End Game” on Netflix, two non fiction documentaries about what it’s like to be terminally ill and what it’s like to be caregivers (doctors/family) of terminally ill people. They aren’t negative or unpleasant documentaries even though they show real sick people dying in their hospital beds or hooked up to machines with tubes in their bodies, and grieving families. And while they are full of intense emotion that is sure to provoke intense emotion in the viewers, they aren’t even sad. Sadness is for sure one emotion that is involved in the documentaries, even some of the healthcare professional people display sadness and distress at seeing their patients and patients’ families like that, but it’s not the core of them. They remind us that end of life is inevitable, there’s no getting around it. They portray it as not inherently bad and not inherently medical, even when a young person gets sick and dies, it’s just part of living. I think many, even most of us, tend to forget that or at least have difficulty accepting it especially when we are in the situation either struggling with illness ourselves or knowing someone, personally, who is.

I have to have medical testing done to see what is in my neck compressing my jugular vein, it could be serious or minor. Occasionally I experience anxiety and anticipate the intense fear that is coming having to have a scan on my head/neck to see what is inside my body obstructing the vein connected to my heart & brain. Some points it’s literally unbearable just to think of. I found that the documentaries and the acceptance attitude of illness, death, and dying ease my health anxiety. Death & dying are going to happen whether it’s in utero, one day old, 6 months old, 5 years old, 20 years old, 15 years old, 38 years old, 45 years old, 50 years old, 65 years old, 78 years old, or 80+ years old. There’s no point trying to reject it or cling to life when our own time is up. It’s easier to have this philosophy than feel it with emotion and feel it physically. Intellectually we can know it is what it is and has to happen sooner or later, but that doesn’t mean emotionally it’s easy to accept.

While I hold that philosophy also and know it’s the truth, I felt my body physically rejecting the idea that it could be sick or dying in the not very distant future, it recoiled, tensed, and ached at the thought and even felt gripped in panic on occasion, even when my mind said it is what it is. But seeing the scenes in the documentaries of how terminally ill people experience end of life and the compassionate doctors reminding us that life & death are inextricably linked, and the end is coming to us all at one point or another, eased that fear. To see those dying people in their beds and see them through the lens of knowing that will be all of us, even me, one day, eases some of the anxiety. To see them as other and keep hoping against hope that that won’t be us one day only aggravates the anxiety, even exacerbating it to terror level fear, clinging to false hope that we know deep inside is false doesn’t help. Accepting what is eventually coming whether it be tomorrow or in a few decades is so much more bearable. Hope only brings anxiety when it means clinging to something that can never be. Sometimes hope works against us and acceptance is more fitting and in our best interest. It’s realistic for most young & healthy people to hope that won’t be us soon. But it could be. And accepting that it’s coming sooner or later and seeing ourselves in the dying can ease health anxiety or anxiety about the future.

As I watched those sick people of various ages in the documentaries, I found it helpful to see those people as those who got there before me instead of seeing them as people who are experiencing something terrible that I hope I never will. I have a choice to lean into the hope or lean into the acceptance. Each one has their place at different points. One may serve us at one point and the other at a different point depending upon circumstances and various factors and context.

There is no sense of “other” in these documentaries when interacting with dying people, it isn’t like us lucky heathy & them poor sick people and no sense of “those poor unfortunate souls,” there is a constant awareness that later we’ll all be in their place, even the healthy, strong, young ones now taking care of the fragile sick will be laying there in the beds of the sick & dying later. It’s just a knowing. Instead of us & them, it’s only us, in this together all getting our own turn whenever our turn arrives, which it will. Countless others have walked this path before us and countless more will after us. We’re just one in an endless cycle of an infinite amount of others. I found that a combination of my somewhat advanced age, my potential health concern, and these documentaries really made that sink in for me. Sometimes the feeling is a neutral one, and other occasions it’s unpleasant or anxiety provoking. But ultimately, it just is.

Inherently, dying isn’t good or bad and just is a fact of life. The negative connotation is something that society projects onto it. Of course it’s sad to think about not being here anymore and may seem unfair to be diagnosed as terminally ill at 45 years old right in the middle of life or at 20 years old when it hardly even had a chance to begin or at 65 years old before even getting a chance to be old, and it’s devastating for friends & family and others who know and love the sick & dying. But viewing it through that lens of compassionate acceptance (not indifference) and it being inherently inescapable makes it more calming.

And of course dying in very old age is different than dying in youth or middle age of an illness that comes out of the blue and shocks us. But no matter what, we have to face our mortality at one point or another at whatever age it comes to us. This isn’t to say prevention is pointless or that we should reject treatment if it can help extend life with a good quality and isn’t to say fear, grief, devastation surrounding the idea of death, dying, & illness aren’t valid, and not saying it’s not tragic when someone gets sick or dies early, only to say it is ultimately inescapable, and helps to remember that with gentle acceptance.

Also, all patients should have doctors this compassionate and warm.

I don’t think my issue is serious, and my whole body feels healthy and energetic and full of life, I look healthy and have all healthy medical test results other than a seemingly obstructed jugular vein on the left side and a severe headache here & there. But it can be easy on occasion to get carried away with dark thoughts, and once anxiety comes along and latches onto a terrible dark thought, it can be hard to let it go, it can grow and take on a life of its own, making up a big story that there is no real basis for. And it can be hard to live with that story playing over and over and hard to see with the reasonable part of the brain that that story is unlikely and that there’s no true evidence for it. During those moments of distress and panic and anticipation it’s more calming & comforting to think why NOT now instead of trying to reject it and wonder why it has to be now instead of much later. It’s more gentle and easier to bear while leaning into that aspect that it’s coming sooner or later anyway, coming to us all.

What’s the difference if it’s 37 year old me or 87 year old me?

When it’s our turn to go, it’s our turn. 💔❤️

Here is a recent picture of me. If you look closely at my neck, you can see where blood is pooling into the valve of my vein making it protrude. This is the vein that connects to the heart & brain, and when my blood is trying to flow to my heart as it should, it can’t get past something that is blocking it and is backing up into my head. That itself is not necessarily very serious (there are other veins sending blood to my heart), but whatever is causing it could be. Next week I’ll be getting a scan to see inside my body to find the cause then will have to wait for the phone call with the results. That thought is occasionally very distressing. Sometimes it’s deep sadness while other occasions it’s overwhelming fear. But overall, I don’t let it affect my joy each day. I am at a point where I can hope for the best, but I also lean into that acceptance of uncertainty and an eventual end whether it be soon or in a few decades.

It’s the heart that fears the breaking

That never learns to dance.

It’s the dream afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It’s the one who won’t be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul afraid of dying

That never learns to live ❤️

Death twitches my ear; ‘Live,’ he says… ‘I’m coming’ 🖤

I am wishing love, light, & health to everyone everywhere and hoping you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. ❤️

Xoxo Kim 😍

Just received the BEST news!! 💚😁😁😁

Mar28

For if we give our very best, I know that we will more than pass the test…

(This post was meant for Monday, and I got super busy with work and never posted)

Omg, omg, omg!!! (dramatic, right? 🤣)

I just received the BEST news ever today!!! I’m over the moon!! I can’t help but share!!! I’m celebrating every victory along the way, everything that goes right, everything that gives me any glimmer of hope. And any obstacle or hiccup along the way, I will meet with positivity and hope.

I submitted my application, did some interviews and exams, and I was just accepted into the University of Pennsylvania…………..😆
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Kidney Transplant Center program here in Philadelphia to begin further testing to become a living kidney donor to a random stranger!! Ahhh!! 🫘💚 (Lol I never had the grades to be a college student at PENN University 😆 I don’t have the brains, but I do have the kidneys 🤣) It’s something I always wanted to do and am now finally getting around to it. So so many people are in need of a kidney, there is a severe shortage. Everyday SO many people are sick and dying of kidney failure where if just one healthy person steps up and gives, one less person would die/be sick. Imagine if you could literally pull a person out of hospice or stop them right before they have to go into it and give them their life back. Imagine if a person literally on their death bed was told, “nevermind, you have 20+ more years!” A healthy person can do that for someone with end stage kidney failure. There are people dying prematurely who don’t have to be. Living kidney donation can be an intimidating, expensive (we may need health insurance if we don’t already have it, take off work for testing and surgery) long process though so I see why more people don’t. We all help someone in our own ways and show compassion & kindness in a way that resonates with us that may not with others, and this so much resonates with me. If I am lucky enough to be healthy not only enough for myself but enough to share that health with another, I’m all in!

After some preliminary medical testing, they determined I’m healthy enough to begin more extensive medical and psychiatric testing at PENN kidney transplant center. A few days ago they weren’t sure if I would be allowed into the program because in 2007 I had emergency surgery to remove a stone that was obstructing my kidney. Usually when someone has kidney surgery they are not allowed to be a living kidney donor because of possible scarring on the kidney because of the surgery. This isn’t a health concern with two kidneys but could possibly be with just one. They were waiting for the kidney expert to get back to them. The kind of surgery I had, the surgical instrument doesn’t come into contact with the kidney itself. So the nephrologist said I’m in!! Yay!! I knew it deep inside that it would work out! I can feel the stars aligning in our favor. My perfect match is waiting for me! #holdonimcoming

They said if there is no match in Philadelphia, they will send my kidney on an airplane to the person! I never even been on an airplane! But in just a few short months my kidney could be! Makes me giggle lol I can choose someone specifically also who needs a kidney, pretty much whoever I want, just anyone needing a kidney (there are so many, they are not hard to find), and if we aren’t a match but I turn out to be healthy enough, I can donate my kidney to a different stranger, and the person I chose will get a kidney that is more suitable to them through my donation. It’s called a “voucher.” They’ll get the next available kidney that matches them. It usually happens within a few months after the living donor donates to someone else. So my one donation can get two people in need a kidney (one would be mine) who wouldn’t have one without it. This is the way I am going. I’m going to choose a very very sick person who cannot wait for a deceased donor (some people in need of a kidney can wait months to years before death while others cannot), give that person a “voucher” if we aren’t a match but I’m healthy, donate my kidney to a stranger somewhere else, and the currently dying person gets the next available kidney in the nick of time. I already have someone in mind if all goes well. I saw his plead for a kidney on a subway ad. He lives close to Philadelphia. I looked him up, and he doesn’t have much longer to live because his kidney function is so low. Single digits low. He was crying on the news saying it’s a race against time. If he gets a living donor kidney, doctors said he can live another 20+ years, which will be around the end of his natural lifespan if he wasn’t sick. He’s registered with the National Kidney Registry to receive a kidney, and I’m registered to give one (after all my testing). He’s 70 something years old and has a lot more living to do.

Just one obstacle potentially holding up the process is I need health insurance in case they find any serious medical problem during my testing that doesn’t show up on the basic health test I just did or on the off chance I suffer a complication during/just after surgery to remove my kidney, they require health insurance just in case, I got rid of my health insurance years ago because it was expensive and not currently needed. The potential recipient’s health insurance will pay for my surgery because it’s their treatment, but it won’t pay for anything that may go wrong with me because of the surgery because I’m not their patient, and that’s on me! Health insurance can be an expensive, confusing, complicated, lengthy process that can hold up the testing process. But I’m determined! I am currently working on it now, already had a few phone calls and all seems to be going smoothly. I will do WHATEVER it takes to get someone off that wait list/dialysis and add 20+ years to their life, giving them the health that I have. #whateverittakes

I’m in this for the long haul.

Just a little bit of money, little bit of blood and urine, and I can save someone’s whole life! Just a small portion of my body can give someone a whole entire life. It warms me all over just thinking that.

If all goes well, in six months, someone will be getting The Call. The call that says 20+ years are suddenly added to their life and out of the blue they can get off/won’t have to begin dialysis. And in our case, someone doesn’t have to die because I’m a LIVING donor!! WIN-WIN!

My kidney will give them an almost completely normal life with no more sickness or fatigue or pain or dialysis. And I will be just as healthy as I am now with only a few lifelong restrictions (no activity where I can get hit in the back {certain sports} and no Advil/aspirin, and that’s about it) It will take me two-three months to recover before I can go back to work.

I just couldn’t resist sharing my amazing news! I still have to do extensive medical and psychiatric testing. This just means I have been accepted into their program for further evaluation to see if I’m qualified, not actually accepted to donate a kidney just yet. We have a ways to go still for that. But I am qualified to be accepted for further evaluation, I have to pass lots more tests.

They already know I’m not diabetic, no thyroid issues or anything lacking or anything, nothing excessive, and don’t have organ failure of any kind. But they have to check for every kind of common cancer and any abnormalities inside n out of my body. I will be scanned head to toe inside and out! They will also have to take my blood and tissue and find out who it’s a match for.

They also have to do intense psychiatric evaluation, making sure I’m emotionally stable, that I have a valid reason for wanting to donate a kidney (not feeling pressured by anyone or trying to make up for some mistake or something or not hearing voices telling me to give my kidney away lol), that I have appropriate life circumstances, support network, finances, diet…all that good stuff!

Wish us luck!! #wegotthis

I did some light research to see why we have two kidneys but can live being just as healthy and long with one. I think it’s not really known why but believed to be that we have two in case there’s an accident or something and one gets damaged. When one stops working or is no longer present, the other does the work for both, no problem. I know firsthand as my right kidney, unknowingly at first, suddenly stopped working in 2007, and the left one picked up the slack. (There was a stone stuck in it blocking the ureter so no urine could go through to get filtered). It began working again after emergency surgery under general anesthesia.

I can’t wait til my perfect match gets THE CALL! 💚💚💚 It warms my heart and fills me with joy!

(Also, I was called “young & healthy,” and that made my day! 😁)

#onesenough
#endthewaitlist
#everyoneisfamily
#donatelife

Sending love and light and hugs to all in need/all who desire ❤️ And wishing you a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are

Xoxo Kim ❤️ 💋😘

Being Kind💕

Jun30

Being Kind – Empty Hands

“Last night I’m walking home
And a homeless man says ‘hello’
With a smile to let me know
That he’s got a lotta’ hope

He says have faith, young man, we are fine
The world is kind, one small act at a time

Small acts we do together
Even though may be alone
Changes the world for the better
So we can call it home”

People in person are so, so, SO much kinder and more civil and open minded than people on social media. I don’t understand it. There is so much arguing and snippy comments even over petty stuff like a silly meme. I get more positive comments than unpleasant but I definitely get unkind messages/comments somewhat frequently sometimes and I see the pointless negative and mocking comments others receive. And the threads I see with people debating, almost always end up full of vicious insults and ridicule. It’s like people *look* for things to be angry and offended over these days, and go out of their way to be unkind to others online. Even just slightly negatively sarcastic comments are often slung online when they probably would be less likely in person because through a screen, we feel more bold with a degree of anonymity, or we see people as less human and less worthy of respect.

Would you all do this in person if it was all the same people but in each other’s faces without a screen as a protective barrier? I would think we would be embarrassed to act in person how we do online and should be embarrassed acting that way online too.

Recently I was out in person with a group of lgbtq people, who all just met each other, and it was so much a pleasant interaction talking about all kinds of stuff, lgbtq related and not, even a couple of debates where some disagreed with others, that I realized even more how very toxic social media can be because of how people choose to use it. On social media we want to jump down each other’s throats then use our big bad blocking power to ultimately put them in their place after chewing them out.

The conversation I had with people in person are some of the very same I have/see online and it was a totally different experience in person, much more pleasant and a deeper sense of connection. I missed it and haven’t experienced it in so long.

It was like a “breath of fresh air” to be able to chat, laugh, joke about things that online would have triggered unnecessary insults, negative tones, ignorant comments, people blocking. And there was no exclusion or judging, just a bunch of people accepting and understanding each other completely.

The scary thing is though, these keyboard warriors and anonymous a$$holes online are real people who exist and they must be somewhere in person so where are they? Are they pretending to be kind in person because they don’t have the nerve to act how they do online? Or maybe they just stay in being all “bad” online and never showing their faces for real. Not sure, but I can say the in person world is a much friendlier place than social media world.

This morning I woke up to an online lgbtq debate by people at each other’s throats, slinging insults and accusations and ridiculing each other, even people on the “same side” just because of how something was worded or a minor disagreement on something else. When I was out with people in person recently, we had this same discussion/debate that I saw here and not once did anyone insult each other or ridicule each other or get snippy. No one scoffed at each other and there were no laughing emojis as a tool to use invalidation and ridicule as abuse.

It was just a totally safe space and a feeling of togetherness.

Everyone offered their own views and experiences and were all happy to hear the views/experiences of others.

Also, in person when talking to people we just meet, it’s easier to get an idea of the person’s character and tone and true intentions than through a screen. There was a debate that could have gotten ugly fast and if I was witnessing it/engaging in it online, I may have thought some people were the biggest a-holes and not have wanted to interact with them anymore but in person, we really see where the person is “coming from.” We can detect their tone and pick up on body language/energy, nuances, mannerisms to a greater extent than online. Not everyone is the d!ck we may think they are online, when we are face to face with them, in the flesh. It’s much easier to judge and dismiss online than in person. People’s intentions are definitely more obvious in person sometimes. And it’s easier to see them as human, as flesh and blood, as full of emotion, as a person with many different aspects. Online, it’s easier to think of them as just an online figure or “just some a$$” who lives across the country/world.

The internet, if not handled carefully, is a tool that can be used to dehumanize people.

So many online interactions end with people blocking and reporting each other’s accounts; our recent in person interaction ended with us making plans to meet up and all hang out again.

It reminds me of when people say they are in an abusive relationship/family/have sh!tty friends for so long and they finally get out and meet someone new who shows them how they really should be loved and that they are better than how they have been being mistreated. Most of my socialization and conversations and the ones I witness about lgbtq/political… issues are online. Getting back out in person reminded me how social interactions should be, not the abuse we endure online.

Social media is a great thing and allows us to do so much good and keep in touch with/meet people we never would without it but it’s so unfortunate how people misuse it to carry out abuse.

I suggest we all be more kind in person and online. And remember online people are real people, not just some online figures we can use as targets for abuse then go our merry way without a care in the world. Those thumbnail pictures we see and the usernames represent actual people with real lives and emotions.

And a reminder to people who have only/mainly social interactions online and encounter much hostility, it’s not an accurate reflection of the outside world! People are generally kind. It’s just the internet tends to bring out people who choose to be unpleasant in interacting with others and allows them to feel less awkward being unnecessarily unkind.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim 💜🏳️‍🌈

Marilyn’s Diary 💜

Nov14

Perfection 💜

Aug31

I’m Beautiful – Bette Midler

“Well, I woke up one morning
Flossed my teeth and decided
‘Damn, I’m fierce!'”

There’s a movie I watched recently, called, “A Perfect Ending.” It’s about a wife who is not in a happy marriage with her husband. They were never truly happy together and she never felt passion in their relationship.
There are lots of sexual scenes in this movie, just in case anyone (sex repulsed asexuals, for example) needs a content warning. And some of the scenes seem to involve BDSM(very brief and hazy scenes if I remember correctly). There is nothing wrong with this; it’s all consenting adults. But anyone who has been traumatized in any way may be triggered by any scene that appears to be an assault scene even if it’s not. For anyone who doesn’t know, BDSM(Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, Dominance, Submission ?) , is an activity that some people like to do where they tie each other up or one ties the other up, and scream and stuff, hitting and strangling may be involved, usually for sexual purposes, but some people like to leave the sexual aspect out and just hit/strangle each other and stuff(or one hits/strangles the other) just for thrills without the sexual aspect. lol It’s all consensual so it’s all good! If I was going to do that, I would leave the sexual out of it. lol They may be couples or groups of people involved. They can be any genders. If I was going to try it, I would choose a woman to be dominant over me. I could never hit her or strangle her even if she wanted it. I don’t have it in me. I don’t want to be hit either though. Or choked to death. lol But I would take it before I would dish it out. They have a safe word that gets the dominant person to stop the strangling and stuff. It’s something that is not “No, stop, don’t” because they scream those words to make it feel real. So when they really want someone to stop, they have a word they say. I don’t know much about BDSM at all, just a very limited idea. People into BDSM are just ordinary people with a kink; any kind of person can be into it.

Hopefully, I am not saying anything disrespectful or completely inaccurate since I am not very educated on the topic.

Some people get a thrill out of inflicting pain upon a consenting adult or being the target of pain inflicted by someone else. Like I said, nothing wrong with it; whatever floats your boat as long as it’s all consensual and adults. But someone who has actually been assaulted before or experienced any kind of trauma may be triggered seeing someone tied up and screaming even if the people like it and are consenting. Our brain can’t tell the difference. And it does look scary.

Anyway, this movie is not about that at all. There is just like one or two very brief scenes I think, involving it. So just a heads up!

And there is one scene I don’t understand. It is a flashback or memory that looks like an actual assault scene(not real, of course, but real in the movie, not BDSM) , just in case anyone needs a trigger warning.

The movie also involves terminal illness. When I struggled with health anxiety for six months in 2019, I could not watch movies involving cancer. My health anxiety started out as a horrific irrational (irrational because I obsessed almost every second of every day for six months and had no true reason to believe I was sick) fear of melanoma then turned to fear of all cancer in general. Someone in the movie has terminal cancer and dies at the end. It is made clear in the beginning that someone is sick and is running out of options but we do not know who until the end. We just hear a doctor talking and see pill bottles and a cemetery stone and a casket with flowers in different scenes. We also see a paper saying someone has malignant melanoma that has metastatized(sp?? I dont care to look up the spelling) and is inoperable.

I won’t give away any very big spoilers but if anyone wants to watch without knowing anymore details, skip this post for now!

Mini spoiler warning
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The wife, who is very rich, financially, mentions to her friends that she is not and has never really been in love with her husband of many years. She only married him because she was a single mom of a toddler and wanted security. She mentions that she wants passion like they have in their relationship and sexual pleasure, which she has never experienced. So they suggest that she gets a callgirl and hooks up with her. They think maybe she needs a woman; they are certain that women are better lovers than men. lol (I wouldn’t know but sure they are right! 🤣😁)

(Also, I know not everyone is either a man or a woman – there are some who are non-binary or a combination of male, female, or other…In the movie they were talking about men & women though so that is why I only mentioned them. I’m not excluding anyone)

So she gets involved with a much younger and stunningly beautiful callgirl. At first it’s meant to be strictly bussiness. The woman pays the other woman for sexual pleasure and the other woman gladly accepts the money. But they soon fall madly in love with each other and it’s no longer about business. The callgirl, Paris, quits taking on other clients and wants to stay with this one woman, whose husband has no idea she is cheating. Her husband has never tried to make her feel loved and cares much about appearance and perfection. The wife has felt very insecure for years.

The younger woman, Paris, is very loving and wise.
There is a scene where the two women are laying in bed together and the young woman is stroking the older woman’s skin. She reaches for her stomach and Rebecca, the other woman, stops her.
This is a brief and beautiful conversation they have during this scene, packed with wisdom.
Rebecca: “Don’t; I hate my stomach. I haven’t been to the gym in way too long. I used to have a pretty good body before kids and menopause. I never looked like you though. Wow.
Paris: (Referring to her own physical beauty) This, this doesn’t mean anything. Rebecca.
Rebecca: I hate that I did this. (I think she’s referring to a body modification, maybe implants, but not sure)
Paris: Why did you?
Rebecca: It was a birthday present from Mason. He loves perfection. It’s sort of the one thing we have in common. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be perfect. I never felt good enough, or thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough.
Paris: All of the things that make us not perfect are what make us so perfectly who we are. That’s who you are, Rebecca. Perfection.

Isn’t this beautiful? A great reminder to us all!

It’s a sweet & beautiful love story if you ignore the fact that she’s cheating on her husband. lol Not that this makes it ok but her husband is not the best; he’s not very loving to her; their marriage is stagnant, and worst of all, he does not think of or treat her daughter as his own even though he brought her up since she was a baby. He only regards the younger brothers as his since they are biologically his. I would leave him just for that. If someone is important to us, I believe their kids should be too. If I have a friend with kids, I love her kids automatically. Also, I don’t have much experience with human children but I cannot imagine bringing up a child and not loving the child like my own and regarding the child like my own. I’m a pet nanny and I love all the furballs like my own n they are not mine in any way at all.

I love the character, Paris, the callgirl. She’s intelligent and wise and sexy and confident. She’s also compassionate. She experienced something traumatic and devastating, previously. Some may have a serious issue with her since a married woman is cheating on her husband with Paris and Paris knows she is married. But if you can forget that little detail, you may just fall in love with her. lol 😍

Whenever I watch a movie that is especially packed with wisdom or has a scene in it with a wise or beautiful message, I love to share!
So the message here is we are all beautiful, especially because of our flaws and perfect because of our imperfections. And while the physical beauty of a person is pleasing, it is not important and actually means nothing.

This does not mean not to get all dolled up or cosmetic surgery if we want and not take pleasure in someone else’s or our own beauty, just that there are more important aspects of a person. Of course beauty, hair, makeup salons are all good! I love looking at beautiful women and I follow many fashion and makeup accounts! But I know a good personality, a loving heart, is more pleasing than a pretty face or banging body. Also, more potential to be longer lasting.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤

Xoxo Kim