(this is not my photo)

I wrote this a month ago but never posted it yet. It has been saved in my drafts for a while. So here it is!

Caution: This may be a trigger for some. It’s about my suicidal urges. I hope you click it off and not read if you have even the slightest concern that details about my suicidal inclination may trigger serious distress. Or you can just scroll through and look at the inspiring photos instead! 😀

One night and early in the morning recently I experienced violent suicidal urges. I haven’t been extremely depressed. Like I said, it can just appear out of nowhere and then leave out of nowhere. This was triggered by something in my external environment. It’s usually not triggered by anything like that but it can be. Usually problems I have don’t trigger it but recently a problem I encountered did trigger it.

Sometimes when this happens and whatever my problem is goes away, it’s too late and I’m already pulled in. The problem going away won’t always pull me out of the depression or suicidal urges/thoughts. The damage is done.

The problem I encountered ended kind of quickly and everything was peaceful and calm again and it was over. But my suicidal urges lingered on all through the night and into the morning and even later in the day. I still have them once in a while.

It’s not really important what the problem is/was. I mentioned here before how I am extremely playful and love to joke and clown around. My sister doesn’t like it. My playful personality often clashes with her more serious one. My jokes are never insulting or degrading or mocking. They never have been and they never will be. I am not that way. Sometimes when my sister leaves a room or my mom does, I just joke around and say “don’t be too long.” Or “hurry back” or something dumb like that. Sometimes if someone asks me to get something, I bring something else as a joke. Like my mom asked me for an envelope when we were in a post office one day and I brought a very large envelope over just to be funny. She wasn’t amused. She said no one likes a clown.
But I’m amused still. Lol
One day years ago my mom wanted a tuna sandwich and I convinced my sister to let me bring her back the two feet long one. It was hilarious! Still is! At least to me!

My mom thinks it’s annoying and my sister finds it beyond annoying when I joke usually.

My mom is easily amused but not as much as I am but she doesn’t like when people can never be serious. It’s not that I’m never serious; I just have a very playful nature and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

My sister doesn’t handle things well at all so something I see as an innocent joke to be funny, she sees as an attack on her.

One night she was leaving the room and I said “don’t be long!” and laughed and she got revenge on me by taking my clothes and hiding them and taking a bottle of soda and pouring it all over my bed. I had to sleep in wet sticky stuff I couldn’t get up because it was late at night.
Occasionally the memory still provokes those horrible urges.

My mom and dad mostly took her side and made me out to be a monster. This doesn’t happen often or anything.
They said my joking has been going on too long. They did not agree with how she handled it but I was still the “worse one” for acting dumb.

Also, I love to compliment people. Sometimes I’m too shy but I’m much better with it. I love to compliment the girls at work when I love their clothes, makeup, or hair or anything. I’m not shy around my sister so I’m frequently complimenting her on her style and hair and stuff. But she thinks or claims to think I’m mocking her or just joking when I do. And I’m really not. Again, I’m not like that. So she told me recently never to compliment her again and even if I’m not mocking her, she couldn’t care less about my opinion of her, good or bad. It’s ok if she doesn’t appreciate my compliments and doesn’t care what I think. It’s unfortunate but I’m not crushed. Not everyone will love and appreciate us or warmly receive our good intentions and that really is ok!

But I never want someone to think I’m making a mockery of someone or joking like that! I never would!

I’m not sensitive like my sister. I can handle stuff like people talking negatively about me (when I’m depressed though, it can add to it) but I don’t like it and would never do that to someone.

My sister doesn’t mind me writing about it. I’m not writing as an insult to anyone to make anyone look bad. My sister writes about our arguments and stuff on Facebook. I don’t like people taking problems with family and friends to social media trying to make them look bad (even when it has nothing to do with me). It’s inappropriate. But I think it’s ok to express our problems certain ways, unbiased ways like I’m doing. It’s good to write about/share our problems and life lessons learned. Generally, I don’t write things that involve others but occasionally I do but not in a negative way.

I know I’m not completely innocent because even though I don’t intend to infuriate people, I know my jokes annoy them. I just don’t think they’re that bad because they are not abusive or insulting, just dumb and immature. It’s just how I am.

I’m thankful to be the way I am. I won’t change me ever but I can just not say joking things to those who can’t take a joke. There will always be those who love the playful me and those who do not. I don’t have to put too much into those who don’t.

This is me a few nights ago. I felt a sudden burst of inspiration to get dolled up, put on a pair of five inch heels and take pics of myself. ❤

This isn’t about slandering anyone, it’s about my experience and my decision to hold on when it seems so much easier to give up and kill myself. Instead of just hinting at something or saying I recently experienced a problem, I will say what it is.

I haven’t been this suicidal in quite a while. Not this bad.
:-O

It’s not just suicidal thinking; it’s very impulsive, violent urges all throughout me and images in my head that are extremely hard to resist. Sometimes it’s just thoughts but on more seldom occasions, it’s this. And sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can hold on when it’s like this. They get harder and harder to resist.
I know it’s a choice to act on them or not and I don’t have to but it’s so hard when it’s like that.
And sometimes I want to act on them and terminate myself.
I would never kill someone else, I’m not that much of a monster, but this is only me.

I have terrible urges to throw myself in speeding traffic when I’m out walking sometimes, just out of nowhere, but I never would because that would involve others.
I have other urges too sometimes, like recently when I was alone at night, that won’t directly involve others. I won’t ever hurt anyone else or take anyone else out with me when I go or involve anyone in my nonsense. No matter how low I sink, I always know never to hurt or even involve anyone else directly, no living sentient beings, no humans, no animals, no insects. I used to go to the subway sometimes when I was in college and plan on ending it or just seeing if I was able to get up the nerve. Sometimes I came so close. Usually I couldn’t bring myself to go not even close. It was so so scary. When the train comes speeding, loud and clanking and that lethal air blasts at me and I take a step back. It’s so very different than merely fantasizing.

I knew it is selfish because it can make people late for things like work and appointments and scare people who have to see. But I thought their inconvenience would be nothing next to my pain and I justified it. But I realized later that it’s not ok to involve others even if they won’t be hurt. No one else should ever be interfered with just because I have problems. And imagine the psychological damage some may suffer having to witness something like that and the poor person in charge of operating the train. It wouldn’t ever be that person’s fault but still that person would have to live with that. And some people suffer serious guilt even if it’s not their fault at all.

So now I only seriously contemplate ways that won’t interfere with others directly. It’s true that someone will have to find it and it won’t be pleasant for whoever it is. But when almost anyone dies, any way, the corpse will have to be found. I can’t help that.

Anyway, usually things like this problem don’t depress me. I’m very easy going. But that night, it just triggered me to become depressed. Very, very depressed. I was already depressed in a very mild way off and on for a few days.

I felt like nothing has any flavor, I had no purpose and never will, nothing sounds or feels right, nothing really interested me too much, soda had no fizz to it, colors weren’t as vibrant. I had some slight desire. Like for food, reading ghost stories, and taking pictures but nowhere near as passionate as usual; I still liked it though. It was like it was weakened or covered in plastic, like everything covered and I couldn’t really touch it. I knew it wouldn’t matter if I killed myself because I really wanted to die and no one would have cared anyway and there was no purpose in anything for me. I saw no reason for me to live and I did not want to live at all. I wanted everything to end, not just the pain, the good with the bad. I just wanted to be dead. But I kept holding on anyway.

I remember seeing a bright red car that brought some sense of feeling back into me.
The color so vibrant and lovely. All was momentarily ok. It reminded me that there’s always beauty in the ugly, light in the darkness, even if it’s very simple, like a bright red car.
It’s possible for things like that to help me to a certain extent even when I’m in the deepest, darkest despair because I’m naturally very positive and I strengthened my natural habit of seeing the beauty and goodness around me, even more, with practice through the years.

As depressed & suicidal as I have recently been and I still saw all positive, happy, beautiful things just jumping out at me. Even when I wasn’t trying. It was annoying some occasions because I wanted to die so badly, so desperately, but felt guilty and absurd acting on it when there was all beautiful things and positive thoughts jumping into my head uncontrollably. Lol My mind is so much in the habit, both naturally and an intentional conscious habit I have practiced & developed, of positive thinking and an attitude of gratitude, that I think so positively even when I’m on the brink of killing myself. Now, it’s not always enough to stop me or make me want to live but it’s so helpful (and annoying) and makes it less likely I will go.

(mine! 😀 )

I couldn’t believe some of the inspiring shit running through my head when I was trying to muster up the “courage” to kill myself.
I would think of all reasons I should die and be convinced then my mind would come up with:

“But….you can be greater than anything that can happen to you!…”

“But…there’s always something to hold on for…”

“But…all I have to do is change my way of thinking about these things…”

“But…we all have something to contribute to the world…how can I if I end it…”

“But…I can use my pain to our advantage and potentially help someone else…”

“But…there’s still so much beauty surrounding me…”

“But..don’t sweat the small stuff! And it’s all small stuff!..”

“But…it’s all about the attitude and I can change the attitude!”

“But…be Brave! Keep going!…”

And more….

Often for every agonizing thought and great reason to kill myself, a positive, beautiful thought would uncontrollably pop up, a reason to live.

Kept getting in my way. Blah! Lol 😉

There’s something so positive ingrained into me and threaded throughout my whole existence. There’s so much love in me even when all I want is to be dead.

(lol this isn’t my photo)

Also, when I want to but don’t kill myself, it’s not always because some part of me truly wants to live. It’s not necessarily ambivalence, though sometimes it is. It’s just that we all have this biological/evolutionary will to live, which is different than a psychological desire to live. Nature has equipped us with this to keep our species going. A single celled organism with no consciousness has this same will to live.
It doesn’t mean the thing “wants” to live.

Even long after the desire burns out and the will is reduced to just a shred, this will to live is fierce. A thin sliver is so fierce. It’s not my choice. It’s primitive to keep me going, it doesn’t mean I want to. It’s hard to overcome it. Suicidal urges are unnatural to it. They contradict it.
And it’s often stronger than those urges.

It annoys me when people say/write that just the fact that we’re alive, shows we must not be sure if we want to die. No. I have been so sure.
It’s just this evolutionary thing or whatever, really gets in my way.

That night and early in the morning I battled recurrent violent urges to kill myself. Even in my slumber. I dreamed of dying. Taking myself out. I even had a certain method in mind and a plan. I had uncontrollable images flashing through my head of what I wanted to do to myself, what I planned to do.

It was so physical.

I kept getting up in the night, getting ready to go then changing my mind.

Whenever I seriously considered killing myself that night and early in the morning, I thought of all the inspirational things I post and share and truly believe in. And I thought of the sweet messages people write to me expressing encouragement, gratitude, appreciation….and I wasn’t sure I wanted to throw it all away just like that.

(not my pic)

I know what it’s like to suffer and to experience true joy & happiness & love and my main intention with the things I post is to uplift others and inspire anyone I can. How inspiring can I be to others if I intentionally kill myself? That’s a very unfortunate message to send to the world, don’t you think? When things are too agonizing, painful, overwhelming, we give up?

I don’t want to end with that kind of energy. I don’t want to leave that negative energy in the uni-verse. When/if I kill myself, that negative energy will linger. It’s not good for others. And it’s just a bad, bad message to the world. Every single act I perform, every word I speak, every breath I take has the potential for a ripple effect to some degree for better or for worse. So why not make them all positive? Or positive as possible.

(this isn’t my photo)

And I thought of all the potential I have to touch someone else for the better even if just a very small, simple way. Each day I live, each moment, each breath, is a chance to love someone else. Each encounter no matter how brief, can brighten the world for another. And this is true for all of us.

No matter how much pain I’m in and how much I want to die, how much it feels like I have to die, I can still help someone else somehow.

(not my photo)

For a couple hours, I laid in bed in a near catatonic state, no energy to move, no desire, no strength to even pull a trigger if I had a gun. At some points, when I’m depressed, I have literally zero desire for anything other than death and can’t even think of living to help others or for the good things. Sometimes even the joy the good things can bring, doesn’t seem enough to keep me alive. I seriously could hardly move or even breathe. Usually my depression is not this bad, even when I was young and depressed more frequently, it was not usually to this point.

And I thought of all the poor people who lost their battle with depression and suicidal urges.

I want to carry on for them.
I don’t really know if it makes sense but it does to me.

It doesn’t mean they weren’t strong or inspiring or beautiful or would have never wanted to live again. They just couldn’t see it then. But if they held on longer, even just a second longer(suicidal thoughts and urges can be so fleeting, coming and going,…a fraction of a second can make all the difference), they could have found that strength, saw their own beauty. So I want to keep going even when I don’t, to put more love and beauty into the world. The world has been deprived of theirs so I’ll try to put even more for all of us. It’s so hard sometimes but I’ll try. I can never take their place and never would anyway but I can honor them.

For some of us it won’t go away and stay away. It comes and goes.

Like waves in an ocean.

Sometimes the oceans are calm and peaceful and the waves, gentle. But other moments the ocean is loud and aggressive, the waves are violent, threatening to knock us over and pull us under. But if we stand strong, they won’t keep us down too long.

Sometimes I have to battle these violent waves right now until it becomes calm and peaceful again.

I may have written here before about my analogy to the oceans and waves.

It’s so fitting.

(yeah, sometimes it is! Not my pic though!)

I’m very open about my condition. It’s something I battled most of this life, not constantly, but sometimes frequent. Like I said, it can flare up out of nowhere for no reason or be triggered by an external factor or triggered by my own thinking or memories sometimes. It’s not my personality or attitude or even a mere mood. It’s like a sickness that takes me over even though I’m naturally, generally happy. In the same way a physical illness can.

I want to be open and honest about my experience with depression, even the darkest, ugliest parts. And I want to be open & honest about my pleasant experiences and happiness. The depression doesn’t take that away.

I’m very open on here and in person. I often share the blog here on Facebook where people I know in person and those I don’t, have access to it. I want people to know my name and see my face and read my story.

Here I am! 😀 This is me a few days ago! My smile is genuine. We can see if someone is truly happy in the moment, usually, not by the smile but the eyes. There’s a spark whether or not we’re smiling. 😀 ❤

I have nothing to cover up. I’m the same me in person as I am online. I write more than I talk and probably reveal more in writing because the opportunity to write just makes it easier but I’m the same.

I never felt compelled to keep my depression and suicidal contemplation a big secret. And I never will. I did used to be more hesitant to talk about it but still found the courage. Sometimes I still hesitate before speaking or posting certain things that have to do with my condition but I usually always find the courage to eventually share it.

I don’t tell it to just everyone. Some I would never tell to directly but I don’t care if they know. Some people are much easier to tell than others, more inviting, more open to it, especially those who know the pain intimately.

I don’t tell people when I’m seriously considering ending my life, of course not. I’m not trying to get put away (it’s not so bad being hospitalized, I experienced a couple hospitalizations both voluntary and involuntary – it’s a hassle though but helpful in some ways) or inflict guilt upon anyone. If I tell someone I want to kill myself then I really kill myself, that person may feel guilty even if the person doesn’t like me or really care. I don’t want anyone to carry that burden. I don’t go into much detail about my fantasies usually or plans or things like that because I don’t want to distress anyone. But basically, I’m very open about it in general.

For now I choose to keep going for all the people who lost our battle and especially for the people still alive, like me, who have so much difficulty holding on sometimes, for anyone whose life may cross mine even years into the future, who I can help in any way, even if it’s just actively listening, letting someone borrow my pen, a warm smile, a loving hug, an inspiring post, a sweet conversation…..

(not my pic)

Who knows who I can help maybe without even realizing the impact? Whether it’s in a practical way like letting the person have something of mine or in a way like listening to someone talk or being encouraging to others.

(this totally IS my photo! ;-D)

Just because I’m a suicidal wreck (lol) doesn’t mean I don’t have what it takes to love or to help. ❤ In fact, my experience helps even deepen my empathy for the problems of others and helps deepen my wisdom. Even when I’m currently on the brink of ending it, I can still love.

(not my pic)

(I usually do! And yeah, this isn’t mine!)

I can’t be sure I won’t ever kill myself but for now I plan to hold on. ❤ ❤

Not for me but for them. ❤

😀

~Hugs~ & love to you.

Xoxo Kim