Tag Archive | life

Dandelions

Aug4

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(I took this lovely pic with my phone!!!)

“When you look at a field of dandelions, you can either see a hundred weeds or a hundred wishes” ~ Unknown 

I love taking walks and taking pictures of all the incredible wonders I see around me. My mom often scolds me and my little sister gets annoyed because when we’re outside walking to a store or walking the doggy.  I stop every other second to snap a picture of some beauty I see before me. I see beauty & inspiration everywhere I look. I’m not a photographer ; I merely take pictures with my cell phone.   It takes amazing pictures. I’m constantly taking pictures of the sky, usually sunsets and the bright azure sky dappled in white fluffy clouds.I love pictures of birds and insects.

Words cannot truly express the way it feels when I look up at the sky During a sunset or a bright sunny Afternoon or when I look out a window at the sunrise when the new dawn is awakening or looking out the window seeing, listening to the rain or seeing snow falling before my eyes, and the scents the rain brings forth, I love the feel of cool breezes in the summer and the warmth of heat in the crisp Wintery magic. I love the seasons changing and the taste of sweet fruit and chocolate sundaes.   And beautiful , vibrant colorful flowers. 

When I look at all of the incredible, wild joys of Nature, life surges through my veins, my heart races at the breathtaking beauty. My veins throb with life, electricity pulses through me like a thousand heartbeats.

It comes naturally to me. I’m very aware of the beauty that all of my senses allow me to experience each moment of each day. 

But, although this generally comes naturally to me, I have made a conscious decision to strengthen my natural ability and habit of being mindful of the simple pleasures of life and making it a general habit even when it’s hard to see beauty. Some days it seems there’s nothing but ugliness all around. But even on those days,I have the choice to look for wonder. It may not naturally pop out at me like usual but I can look and I can find, hard as it may be.

In this life there is an incredible abundance of wonder and joy and beauty. By being blessed with life, we have the chance to take advantage of this. Take advantage of being alive. Instead of trudging through life in a sense of hopeless drudgery, we can choose to learn and practice being truly and fully alive.  

Here are some ways I have strengthened my natural ability to see simple joys everywhere and ways I think can be helpful to people. Not everyone has that natural ability but even ones who don’t can learn & practice .

1.) Breathe and inhabit your body. Your body, which is you is here now. Not in the past, not in the future. Here, now. You’ll never, ever go back to the previous moments you once lived and you can’t change them. And the future is always just out of your reach. When the future arrives, it is now your present, all you will ever have is now. Make this your conscious reality.
Take notice of the way your body feels right NOW. All the sensations, the pleasures, the pain, relaxed parts, stressed parts, stiff parts, numb parts, healthy parts…

2.) Try not to force yourself to not think about other things or about your past or future. When you try to intentionally not think about something, it tends to pop into your head more frequently.   Instead focus on what is here.

3.) Practice mindfulness meditation. Meditating regularly will help you develop better control over your thinking and even when you’re not meditating you will be better able to live in the present.

https://livingmindfully.org/
http://www.meditationoasis.com/

4.) slow down. When you’re constantly in a hurry you can’t take pleasure in much of anything.

5.) Try to create a schedule everyday or almost everyday where you can take a few minutes, hour, or hours to do nothing but something that brings you immense joy and serenity.   Walks in nature, observing natural settings, drawing, running, taking pictures,  things like that and soak up all the beauty.

6.) really, truly look. Look and see what is around you. Don’t just give it a quick, passing glance. Let the feelings it provokes in you, surge through you and cherish those feelings.

7.) I think about all of the people who have died and who have never been born or created/conceived to begin with. What they wouldn’t give (if they could know) to have a chance to live or to live again and feel, experience what I can because I am Alive. 

8.) I think about if everything I have ever known, ever loved, ever owned or possessed just disappeared temporarily, unexpectedly and then all came back. How would I feel then? Would it awaken me? Make me realize how wonderful, how miraculous, how joyous it all truly is?

9.) stop waiting.   “People wait all week for Friday, all year for Summer, all life for happiness.”. You may not have all you want right now but you can still be generally happy and joy-filled. You don’t need that perfect weather, that perfect day of the week, that perfect lover, that perfect body. All you need is life. All you need is now. Right now. You got it!

“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”

― Mary Jean Irion

     
“Oh the wild joys of living! The leaping from rock to rock … the cool silver shock of the plunge in a pool’s living waters.”
 Robert Browning quotes

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” ~
Albert Einstein

Paul Valéry – “To see is to forget the name of the thing one sees.”

 

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Me.

Xo Kim

Putting a Positive Spin on the questions you ask yourself

Jul12

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You know those questions, the ones you ask yourself when you mess up or feel low about yourself? The ones which make you feel even more low?? They sound something like this:

1.) How can I be so stupid?!

2.) How could have I done such a thing?!

3.) Am I the biggest asshole Or what?

4.) Can I be anymore of a fuck up? 

5.) What is WRONG with me?!

6.) Can I ever do anything right?!

7.) How could I have let this happen. 

And then there’s the self-abusive/hopeless  statements:

1.) what an asshole I am.

2.) I am the biggest loser.

3.) how stupid I am!

4.) I can’t do anything right.

5.) I’m so fat.

6.) i’ll never amount to anything.

7.) nothing will ever get better.

Those negative questions and statements serve no purpose but to perpetuate your negative energy and your low moods.

Instead of giving into that kind of self talk you may want to try this instead: take those questions and statements and put a positive spin on them.

For example. Take question #1 which is “How can I be so stupid?!” and transform it to:

“What can I do in the future to try to prevent this mistake I made now?”. Everyone makes mistakes, misunderstands things, is unaware of certain things, and does something wrong every now and then. Try to recognize what you may have missed or done wrong. You won’t always be able to prevent it again though. You will always occasionally make mistakes, some even more than once, maybe even again and again. And that’s ok. You are a human after all.

Go easy on yourself. Messing up doesn’t indicate that you are unintelligent. 

Let’s take #2 “How could I have done such a thing?!”. Let’s transform that to:

“I made a mistake or have done something I’m not proud of. It says nothing of my worth or my overall intelligence or ability to make decisions.”. 

Just because you occasionally do something “stupid ” doesn’t mean you, the person, is stupid.   Just because you “fail” once in a while doesn’t make you a failure as a person.

And instead of seeing it as “failing”, you can even take this message:  
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. ” ~Thomas A. Edison

You are experimenting and learning.

Instead of “I can’t do anything right” try something like “this did not turn out how I wanted but I can learn what to do/what not to do in the future. “

Ask yourself why you did what you did, how you can act differently in the future. Replace words like “loser “, “asshole”, “fail” or “failure ” with more positive loving words.   You are a person who has made a mistake, tried and things did not go as expected or planned. You are alive and so have the opportunity to try and try again and WIN.

Also, when things are going your way and you are happy and inspired and joyous, it can help you to take note of it, examine it and see why you are feeling amazing.   If you can pinpoint the things and thoughts and actions that are contributing to those wonderfully positive feelings, you can make a habit of doing and thinking those things regularly so you generally feel more positive. 

If you are generally a happy, relaxed, joyful person then keep on doing what you’re doing!   Think good things about yourself and others.   Continue to care for yourself. 

Rest. Sleep. Meditate. Splurge once in a while. Cut negative people out of your life. 

If you catch yourself having too many negative moods or feelings lately, stop and see if you can determine why. Everyone, no matter how healthy and happy is going to experience low moods and feelings once in a while. That’s ok. But when they start becoming frequent and crashing in on you, take note of it.

Has something changed recently?

Are you getting less sleep for some reason?

Having difficulty in some relationship of yours?

Is the way you view an unpleasant experience contributing to your low feelings. 

If you are generally not very happy, are very stressed, anxious, or depressed, there are things you can do to elevate and maintain a general sense of well-being.

Even if you’re generally unhappy or sluggish there may still be more seldom moments in your life where you have felt much better, happier, energized, and joy filled.

Sometimes you won’t know why you’re feeling low or why you’re feeling happy. Moods fluctuate often without a known reason. 

But see if you can become aware of why you feel the way you do.

If meditating, resting, countering negative thoughts, caring for yourself, eating healthier…makes you feel happier and uplifts you, make those things routine. Do them everyday. Incorporate them into your schedule.

You’re worth it! 😀

Xox0 Kim

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If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane

Jul2

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(my dog Koko after she got done eating a vanilla cream horn treat.   she has cream on her little face. Lol silly girl!)

” And I’ll never be the same without you here
I’ll live alone and hide myself behind my tears
And I’ll never be the same without your love
I’ll live alone and try so hard to rise above” ~ Christopher Cross

I’m ready. 

Ready to start laughing again. Those good belly laughs I used to laugh almost constantly every night and day for as long as I can remember. Until my dog died. Three months ago.  

I stopped laughing then. I wouldn’t let myself. When I found something amusing as I usually do I would quickly remind myself, “Wait! You can’t laugh, Koko is dead!”. And I would become somber. Or apathetic. Or grief stricken. Or just stop. And go about my day. Not laughing. 

I wouldn’t really say or think those words but the concept of my sweet dog being dead would creep into my brain destroying any desire I had to laugh, any ounce of amusement I began to experience .

Ever since I was little, in elementary school, probably even before, I have been very easily amused over everything and nothing. I laugh more than anyone I have ever known.

I got in trouble in class often for laughing out loud uncontrollably at kids being bad.

My mom yells at me sometimes for laughing during inappropriate situations like when my dog eats out of the cat’s litter box. Lol

Once, my therapist asked me if it is some sort of coping mechanism or cover up for Anxiety. And my answer is NO. I am genuinely amused.   Just a silly, giggly girl. I usually always find something to laugh about even when I am unhappy or depressed or angry!

There are occasions when I have been super furious at someone but still amused and laughing uncontrollably and I would be so pissed at myself for laughing because who is going to take my anger seriously when I’m laughing my ass off?! Lol 😀

But when Koko died in April I stopped laughing. After a few days I started to smile and laugh a little bit and be slightly amused but those serious belly laughs have been extremely rare.

Grief never goes away. Grief over a human friend or family member or grief over a fur or feather or reptile…… friend dying is forever etched in our hearts.

But for many people it eventually heals to a point where it’s not always raw or always the main feeling everyday. It appears and reappears and on some occasions even decades later, maybe it resurfaces at full force and then subsides again. 

It doesn’t have to hinder or taint happiness.

My grief has for the most part taken the back burner and I can still be happy and I even eventually began feeling mostly like myself again. But still there has been some kind of damper put on this life of mine.

There will always be a part of me missing. Always. My dog wasn’t just my “pet”. She was my friend, my family.

And this death hurts me so much it’s unbelievable.   

But this death is somewhat easier than what many people have to endure with a loss. Koko was old and lived a whole dog life and 12 years with me. And she was not sick, in pain, or suffering when she died. My mom and dad were there with her and watched her take her last breath.

She began to slow down days before her death and her breathing changed and we hoped so desperately that she wouldn’t begin to suffer and that if she must die soon that it would be easy and quick. I couldn’t bear to think of her suffering or being euthanized by an animal doctor as my mom mentioned may have to happen.

 
Some dogs die alone, in pain, lost, young, and abandoned, never knowing true love. Some are so bad off they are euthanized.  

But not Koko. She was loved by us for 12 years. We celebrated her every birthday, bought her gifts every holiday, let her sleep in bed, on the sofa, she had other fur friends. I bought her treats home every night after work. The girl was spoiled!! 😉

And she died old, quickly, and naturally.

And for all of that I am so blessed. Seriously what more can I ask for?!

It does not take away my grief.   But grief should never go away anyway. Grief is part of living and loving and when one life is so impacted by another grief is the result of loss.

A few days ago I began laughing again a lot
 Throughout the day like before. And it has been continuing everyday now.

And I realized I haven’t been my giggly self for so long. I felt different but could not put my finger on it. Then one night I laughed hysterically over song lyrics and realized I haven’t laughed quite like that in ages!

I think after three months my grief is finally beginning to heal more.

It’s important to remember that it’s ok to laugh even when someone else has died or is dying or experiencing tragedy or pain or illness.

I have a tendency to feel guilt laughing when I hear about, see on the news, or know someone who died or is experiencing tragedy.

But me/you/someone  not laughing and intentionally not having fun does not help the tragedy in the world. It just results in another unhappy person or one who is not fully living.

I can laugh. It won’t hurt Koko. If I choose not to laugh, it won’t bring her back. It HURTS to let go. Hurts desperately. But it’s ok.

Just because you laugh doesn’t mean you are cold or don’t care or are forgetting or ignoring the death or pain of others.

You are still living. It’s your life. It’s ok. It’s necessary to move forward.

I never wanted to admit this but a few days after Koko died my pain was so severe I thought I wanted to die too.

I felt nothing but anger every day and pain.
I wasn’t angry at anyone specifically.   There was no one to be angry at.

But now I don’t feel angry. I feel blessed. I am blessed. 

Two nights ago I was looking through older pictures trying to find one of my dog, Isis Summerjo, and I accidentally saw like 100 of Koko in my phone and I felt as if I was suffocating and drowning all over again. 

I have only been able to look at pictures of her and talk about her on certain occasions when I felt enabled to do so. And then I accidentally saw them and I clicked each and every one I saw and looked.  It hurt but I smiled and realized how much stronger I am now.

A brief fleeting thought of me wanting to die ran across my brain. But I told myself.   What good will dying do? Will it bring Koko back? No. Will it end my pain? Yes but it will also end everything else. And I don’t need that.

There is always hope.

My life is more good than pain.

And even when it doesn’t feel that way.

There’s always hope.

I am so skilled now more than ever at being able to see the good amidst the bad. The positive in the negative. The hope in the darkness. The healing in the hurt.

I can even feel happy while depressed.

Also, 

 It’s now July! You know what that means right!? Nine months. I haven’t been suicidal or even thought about it seriously in nine months. That’s the longest I have ever been able to go without those compulsions and thoughts in……FOURTEEN years!!!!!! Fourteen years!!!!!!! In case you don’t know, I wrote about this in previous blog entries here.   I suffer with clinical depression. I have suffered with mental illness since I was eleven years old and at 21 years old I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. I was hospitalized again and participate in psychotherapy and drug therapy.  I struggled for years 
and in 2010 I truly started to get better. Four months is the longest I have ever been able to go without being suicidal since I was 13 years old. And usually not even that long.   Until now.  But now I’m back and better than ever! 😀

I changed my ways. My thinking, my attitude, my life.   And I am going strong. I celebrate living everyday.

I hope everyone will find hope and love even in pain and darkness.

I am ready to start laughing again. To start living again.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Wondering what lyrics and songs are so hilarious?! Lol!   Check these out!!

“My head hurts , my feet stink” by Jimmy Buffett. Just the song title has me rofl

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/my+head+hurts+my+feet+stink+and+i+dont+love+jesus_20267475.html

“Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes”
Jimmy Buffett
“With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of my running, and all of my cunning
If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane
If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane
If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane”
“

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/changes+in+latitudes+changes+in+attitudes_20071889.html

“Growing older not up”

“I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead”
~ Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/growing+older+but+not+up_20071897.html

“The Asshole song”

“Were you born an asshole 
Or did you work at it your whole life? 
Either way, it worked out fine 
‘Cause you’re an asshole tonight “
~
Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/the+asshole+song_20214732.html

And I hope you find a bit of inspiration in some of these lyrics as well.

Here’s a pic I made using an app, it’s one of those “when you see it” pics. Lol

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How do you live? <3

Jun27

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” Not how did she die, but how did she live? 

Not what did she gain, but what did she give? 

These are the units to measure the worth 

Of a man as a man, regardless of birth. 

Not, what was her church, nor what was her creed? 

But had she befriended those really in need? 

Was she ever ready, with word of good cheer, 

To bring back a smile, to banish a tear? 

Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say, 

But how many were sorry when she passed away. ”   

~Unknown

I saw this quote in a book and I love it! To me, it rings so true. For many of us, the first thing we think when we hear a person has died, even when we never knew that person is, “How did s/he die!?”. That’s our morbid curiosity. There’s nothing wrong with that. But what’s more important than that is how the person lived. I don’t want to think about or dwell on the tragic or sad circumstances of someone’s death. I want to bask in the wonder, love, beauty, and glory of that person’s life and the imprint the life of that person leaves on this Earth with all of us who still live. Even if I never knew that person, I can still be impacted by the life s/he lived.

Have you ever read an online memorial or an obituary in the newspaper for a person who died? While very sad, it can be quite inspiring. Try reading an obituary or online memorial for a stranger and the comments written by those who are grieving and all those caring people who lavish sympathy on the bereaved and the dead. But instead of letting your morbid curiosity take over searching for clues of the causes of death, focus on the details of how that person lived.

Look at the smile on that person’s face in pictures if you can and feel the words written about the person. Look at how that person touched many, many other lives and made people smile, contributed positively to the community in which s/he lived, embraced family & friends, provided kindness to strangers, made people laugh, loved others
…

This is a great honor to the person and a wonderful gift to the family and friends to have the one they love who is now gone, still affecting the world for the better.

There are so many amazing people, alive and dead. They all deserve to be known, loved, remembered, honored, and acknowledged.  

I saw a blog topic recently “What would you want your obituary to say? “. I haven’t completed this as a blog entry but I thought about the concept.

I wouldn’t want mine to just state how I died, how much money I got for working, and other basic details. I would love for it to describe how I was able to brighten people’s days, make them smile, how I loved animals and people and cared for everyone whether I knew them or not.   And how I would always be aware of the simple joys of living.  I hope that’s how people view me. That’s who I want to be.

Think about how you live. Is it really important how financially rich you are, how many expensive material possessions you have, how many work promotions you achieve, how many school degrees you can obtain, how big your house is, how new your car is, if you have the latest fashion accessories or phone….?

Or does it matter more how you help people, how you listen to people, how you love people, what you contribute to the world around you, how happy you are with the you inside, how living creatures are touched by your life, how full your heart is….?

You may or may not have an advanced school degree or a well respected, good paying job, you may or may not be extremely intelligent, maybe you don’t have much money or a great house or car or anything much but is your heart full of love?   Do your veins throb with life? Do you provide consolation, love, and friendship to those in need?   That’s all that really matters!

It doesn’t matter what your religion is or if you are religious or not. It doesn’t matter what your skin color or sexual  orientation or gender or gender identity is. Your nationality and ethnicity do not matter for how much you are worth. I’m not saying those above things do not matter in certain situations or for how you are treated sometimes, I’m saying they do not make you worth more or worth less. Or worthy or deserving of more or of less.

Think about how you live and how you want to live. And I hope you find deep within you the things you know are important and are able to abandon the things you know are not.

I hope you are having a beautiful night or day wherever you are at this moment.

Xoxo Kim

The Sweetest Things <3

Jun26

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Yesterday I saw a father playing with his young child.

There were anxious, depressing thoughts swirling around in my head for much of the day.   I may have mentioned on here previously that in my house, there is some domestic abuse/violence sometimes.   My dad has the tendency to be abusive, usually emotional abuse with threats of physical violence.

Throwing things. Breaking things.   Threats.

Then he calms down. But not before there’s already tempestuous storms raging inside, the aft

ermath of trauma, drama, and complete chaos.

And it impacts us negatively but until we come up with an effective solution, we have to deal with it. But it causes us pain. And fear. And so many other unpleasant emotions.  

So yesterday I was somewhat anxious and disturbed.

But then I saw a daddy happily playing with his little boy. The smiles on their faces,  the joy in their voices as they wrapped their arms around one another and warmly embraced each other. That is priceless.  

That is true, simple joy.

In that moment, that one moment of sweet, loving simplicity, I was reminded of all that I do not need. Of how much I love everyday. How much I love the mundane details of living.   Of loving. Of breathing. Of being. 

How much I already have.

I don’t need graduations, promotions, birthdays, holidays, big special events, or any accomplishments, money, expensive material objects, I don’t need to win the big lottery,  I don’t need fantastic credit, complete financial independence, a brilliant education, any kind of specific job….to be happy. To be grateful. To be full of love & life. Zest & joy. Serenity & ecstasy.  

I don’t need a mansion or one million friends or a big happy, loving perfect family. One friend can bring much joy, a small family can be love.

I can depend on me and the kindness of others, those I know well and those I do not.
 
I don’t even need a peaceful environment surrounding me on the outside to have peace and calm within.  

All I need is the simple joys of everyday. A daddy playing with his bouncy baby boy, a little girl hugging a puppy, the bright, vibrant colors of Nature. Spring flowers, the bright Summer sun, the first glistening snowfall of Winter, the crisp, sweet air and variegated colored crunchy leaves of Fall. Songbirds singing, the loving hug of a friend. A cup of hot, sweetend tea, warm blankets at night, falling into bed after a long hectic day, animals playing and jumping into my arms, squirrels running up trees with acorns, the friendly smiles of strangers, random acts of kindness, beautiful girls in five inch stiletto heels and pretty hair, painting my nails, rain, a bright blue sky with white fluffy clouds , raindrops on bright green and red leaves….. myself.  

Everyday.

Even the ordinary can be quite extraordinary. When you really think about it.

‘Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.’~Walter Hagen

May you all have peace, joy, happiness, love, hugs, and bright smiles. :-D. And appreciate the simple pleasures and sweet beauty even through the ugliness & traumatic chaos.  

Xoxo Kim

“I’ve got a heart that can hold love
I’ve got a mind that can think
There may be times when I lose the light
And let my spirits sink
But I can’t stay depressed
When I remember how I’m blessed

Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
Truly blessed
And duly grateful”

~John B

“It’s not that I don’t want a lot
Or hope for more, or dream of more
But giving thanks for what I’ve got
Makes me so much happier than keeping score

In a world that can bring pain
I will still take each chance
For I believe that whatever the terrain
Our feet can learn to dance
Whatever stone life may sling
We can moan or we can sing”

~John Bucchi

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Beauty All Around

May28

buddhakim

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I woke up somewhat early. Early for me. 10:00am The night before, I slept very well. I have been struggling with lower back pain, bordering on severe. Along with my facial pain disorder flaring up. Right now it’s because of my sleeping schedule being kind of messed up with my dog’s waking me up throughout the night and morning and the central air thing in my house broke so it has been excruciatingly hot some nights. I’m telling you, not getting the right amount of sleep for me really messes me up like nothing else! I get sick, coming down with sore throats, my hair falls out in clumps!, my whole body aches like hell, and on and on

But anyway,

When I woke up yesterday morning, my family was already awake and decided we would all go out together before I had to be in work at 5:00pm. We had no specific plans so we ventured on out just to see. And we drove by a Buddhist church in South Philadelphia! I never seen anything like it! Ever! I have never even known Buddhist churches exist! I don’t even know if it’s called a “church”. I’m uneducated on this topic. My dad saw it before though but he doesn’t know anything about it.

It’s AMAZING looking! The whole outside is very colorful with large statues all around it! So beautiful.

I wanted to go in SO badly!! But we are not sure if it’s open to the public or if only Buddhists/members are allowed in. I am not a Buddhist. I am an Atheist. But I love to learn about Buddhism and read the quotes and wonder at the concepts and things. So we just took lots of pictures outside with the statues!

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bk9

I LOVED walking around in the wonderful weather. It was warm & sunny but with a slight chill.
In Center City Philadelphia, outside some stores, there are free books and things and my dad wanted to check some out! And I found a few treasures! This one book I found and was going to give to my sister. It’s a book of poems amd quotes mostly about things pertaining to a God. The Biblical God it seems. My sister, just like my dad & mom, is into God, Biblical things, and the supernatural things. I, however, am the oddball of the family who turned out a skeptic. lol 😀

But when I checked the book out better I soon realized it’s more my cup of tea than her’s! It’s a book of poems and quotes about appreciating the gifts all around that are considered by many to be “God’s blessings.” While I am quite the skeptic I am anything but closed minded. I find inspiration everywhere. Even in things with a religious or theistic tinge. I close my mind to nothing. I am very blessed and more and I LOVE all things about appreciating the beauty around us and helping those in need, people & animals alike.

I am so grateful that this littlen gem has fallen into my hands!

And I want to share an amazing short poem in this book.

Love Should Blossom

“So many loving words to give
To those with whom we work and live;
So many words heal and bless
Another’s hurt or loneliness.

A friendly smile, a glad hello
Can cheer someone who’s feeling low;
Or just a little thoughtful deed
Will help fulfill another’s need.

So many things that we can do
To help another’s day ring true;
So many ways to show we care –
Love should blossom everywhere.

Written by Kay Hoffman

Seriously, how true is this amazing message?! It’s a beautiful poem that rings so true! Any kind word, warm smile, friendly hello, loving gesture can brighten someone’s day and turn someone’s life around. So when you see a mother (or father) struggling with a screaming kid, offer them a helping hand instead of disgusted glares, adopt a furever friend at a shelter, hold doors for people, smile at strangers, make a true attempt to understand another person’s point of view or emotions, volunteer, help carry someone’s bags, buy someone a drink, genuinely compliment someone! There are an infinate amount of ways to make someone’s world a little or a lot brighter!

Why not be the one bringing light to that person struggling in the darkness? ❤

I also found a novel which I have just begun to read. As of right now, it's thoroughly entertaining. It's about a girl who is looking for a man and is unhappy that she is single and 32 years old. People keep nagging her about when she's going to get married and they won't just let her be. I think I know how it will end!

It's ok to be single at any age though. It's ok to want to be romantically tied but it should not interfere with general happiness and love of life itself. You don't need anyone to complete you. Fall in love with yourself and then romantic love may come your way soon! Or one day in the future. ❤

The book is called "Romantically Challenged" by Beth Orsoff.

I hope you all have a great day and appreciate the simple pleasures of life and being YOU! ❤

x0x0 Kim

My Mental Illness & Strength

May24

Today I am depressed but not suicidal and want to send love to anyone else struggling. xoxo

” All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.”
– Helen Keller

Let today be the day that you choose to become your own greatest hero.

Xox0 Kim

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😀

Beautiful quote

May20

“Love is more than what we feel for another person.  It is the scent of lilacs, roses, the ocean breeze or fresh summer rain.  That thing that makes your heart smile when you breathe it in.  Love is a summer breeze, the first snow flake, a big hug or a warm blanket on a chilly day.  It is that thing you feel when you are wrapped up in or touched by something wonderful.  Love is grass on your bare feet or sand between your toes, it is the splash of the ocean or the warmth of the sun. It is that sense of touching something bigger then you that makes you realize how special we are to experience this moment, now, here.  Love is million tiny moments that happen to the beat of our heart.  That stirs our senses and awaken our spirits.  That reminds us that when we fall we are not defeated, just seeing a different view feeling a different feeling.  Love is what we feel with, touch with, see with.  It is the one constant that makes our lives better.  The added bonus isn’t love it is sharing all your love with the ones you love.  “~ Cheryl Nordyke

Just sharing this beautiful quote I have seen today! Love it!

I think it’s a sweet reminder to appreciate all the simple pleasures and beauty all around us.




Xoxo0 Kim

I’ve Been Searching

Apr30

Last night/early this morning I had an incredibly beautiful dream while I slept. I don’t know what inspired this dream but I am so thankful for whatever or whoever did inspire this loveliness for me. I love dreams and the mystery of them. I believe they are often things we have been thinking of or symbols representing our ideas & thoughts either conscious or unconscious. In my dream last night I met three girls who were becoming my close friends. All three girls were pregnant. The one I was becoming especially close with was named Elizabeth. I don’t remember the other two girls ‘ names. When I heard that Elizabeth was about to give birth I wanted to run to the hospital to visit her and her new baby. It was a hospital not close to where I was and my dad was driving me there to visit her. We got lost along the way. This is not unrealistic. I don’t drive and am horrible with directions and my dad does drive but is also not the best with directions. My dad and me got into a quarrel over this. Also not unrealistic. My dad does not handle stress well and often takes it out on others. We eventually found the hospital which was close to a shopping mall. The hospital was really big, beautiful, and like an expensive looking hotel. Really complex and hard to find where I was trying to get to, the maternity ward. My dad was in a hurry to go somewhere and did not want to be late and was annoyed with me for dragging him there. My dad angrily got onto an elevator without me and in reality I am deathly afraid of elevators/ small places. And I can only go on with other people. The one he was on closed. And I felt panic stricken and saw another almost full elevator closing and I hurried onto it and had no clue where I was going. So when the doors opened I got off onto the floor that was there and the atmosphere quickly hit me with a force so potent. It was beautiful and so life affirming. Without knowing, deep inside I just knew this had to be the floor I was looking for, the maternity ward. I looked up and saw a large glass Window and through the glass I saw the most amazing thing! Babies!! Babies everywhere!! I felt so much life just surge through me. Then I walked over to the counter and saw all the staff members smiling. I asked one of the ladies working there if this is the maternity ward just to be sure. She warmly said “Yes.”. I told her I was there to see my friend Elizabeth. She said Elizabeths’s last name but I can’t remember what she said. She told me I was free to walk through the ward and go find her. Her name would be outside the room on a decoration that people made with glitter and construction paper and other arts & crafts supplies. I walked through the place and I was in awe. The environment was so, so lovely. So happy. So perfect. There were new mothers and newborn babies everywhere. Visitors bringing gifts. People smiling & loving. Caring & helpful doctors & nurses. The place was packed with people but not annoyingly crowded. Just a happy joyful place. I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and joy and gratitude that I felt I would just burst into tears of joy right there. And I could see the staff people could feel my joy and gratitude. I was so so happy for Elizabeth and all the other mothers and the new lives created. I was so thrilled to see all the new lives who just recently entered this world with so much hope and inspiration and possibilities ahead of them. New beginnings everywhere. Everywhere. ❤ The emotion in this dream was so strong, so real. Words cannot express. It couldn’t have been more real if this was a waking experience. The place was so big and as I was walking to find my friend I decided I would go over to the mall that was close by and buy her a gift and then come back to visit her. So as I was walking out I saw a young mother laying in her bed. She was clearly in pain. I was overcome in an overwhelming sense of agony thinking of the pain so many of these mothers must have felt giving birth. As a tinge of hopelessness began to manifest another thought crept into my mind. It’s true many have experienced pain but in the end they have an incredible gift. This new being that they have given the gift of life to. And it makes all the pain worth it in the end. This young woman in pain would soon be feeling joy & gratitude for her new bundle of joy and the pain would soothe and then dissipate. As I was walking out my beautiful emotions again came flowing back to me, the joy, the gratitude, the life, the inspiration, the hope, and the warmth. ❤ I couldn’t wait to buy Elizabeth her gift and come back to see her and her new little bundle of love, hope, & joy. Then I must have woken up. This dream amazes me in the most beautiful way. I see so many themes and symbols in this experience. The theme of friendship & love, life, and hope, new beginnings, and happiness & empathy. And so much more. Babies symbolize beginnings and life. They have just come into the world and have an entire life before them. Anything is possible. But this can apply to any of us at any age, young or old. As long as we are alive there is hope and possibility. And the part about my dad and me being lost. We were lost but eventually I found my place. The place I was looking for. It was there all along just waiting for me with open arms so welcoming and it was better, so much better than I ever could have expected. I had no idea what I was in for. And I found it by accident. I just stepped off and there it was when I least expected it. This can definitely apply to life in general. If you ever feel that you lost yourself or your place, you can always, ALWAYS find yourself again. And you can be better than you ever knew. Beautiful things can happen when you do not expect it. ❤ And the young mother in pain? She is the symbol of world pain. There is much pain in this world. So much. But look around at all the joy glimmering through it all. All the beauty & hope & consolation. All the life. The life that comes with pain but also healing, hope, and happiness. Living can sometimes be painful just like childbirth. But life, just like the birth of a child, is a beautiful gift. What a beautiful dream. And to think that my own head is what created this little and wondrous, inspiring movie. And all the helpful and caring people. There are so many in this world. What interests me too is that this dream was and still is so vivid. So real. I saw each face so clearly. So beautifully. And I still can. Have you ever had a dream? One of those ones you can’t shake even after you wake up? All throughout the day the feeling of the dream lingers even after you forget the content or details of that dream. They are often nightmares. But this is just the opposite. I got a little taste of Heaven on Earth. Right here on Earth. And I can’t shake the feeling. I don’t want to. When I woke up I felt so replenished, so energized, so ready to start this beautiful day. I haven’t been getting to sleep well because of my new puppy and other dog waking me and I have been waking up feeling sluggish and exhausted. But not this beautiful morning. I got up for work so ready! :-D. Even after a night of being woken up unexpectedly. Isn’t it beautiful what a sweet little dream can do? The magic your own head can create? There is hope everywhere. I have heard that all faces we see in our dreams are faces we had to see first in reality even if it was decades ago and even if only for a split second and never realized we saw them. One page on the Internet says the person pumping the gas into your dad’s card 20 years ago can be the serial murderer in your dream now! :-O And I saw all these people in my dream so clearly but I don’t know who they were to me at one point in my reality. But I’m glad our lives crossed and touched because they have helped to inspire my incredible dream. ❤ “Somehow something’s changed Something deep inside Ooh a part of me There’s a strange new light in my eyes Things I’ve never known Changin’ my life Changin’ me I’ve been searchin’ So long To find an answer Now I know my life has meaning Ow oh Now I see myself as I am Feeling very free Life is everything Ooh it’s meant to be” ~Chicago “I’ve Been Searching” Always remember there is hope, life, and a way. Stay strong. ❤ Xox0 Kim 😀

Image“What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and plucked a strange and beautiful flower?   And what if when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what Then?” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge 

I Hope You Dance

Apr20

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. It’s a rainy Friday night here in Philadelphia which reminds me of a song by Peppers Ghost called “Friday Night in Philadelphia.” It’s a great song but I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere!

I guess maybe it isn’t very popular?

Anyway, the lyrics are something like this “….Friday night, rainy night in Philadelphia…”. I always love when it rains and when it’s raining on a Friday night? Well, that’s what’s up! Lol 😉

I just got home recently. I was at work all night. I also have another song on my heart tonight. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack.

I love, love, LOVE that sweet song. It’s so uplifting, beautiful, and just the sweetest. ❤

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance”

Every word of that song, every line, every little message conveyed through that song touches me deeply, inspires me greatly.

To me, one of the most poignant lines in that song is

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

As most people who know me and mostly anyone who has read some parts of this blog of mine know, I have struggled with severe depression since I was young.

Not for any one specific reason. It runs in my family and some environmental issues have brought it out in me when I was young.

But I made a choice some years ago to take my life back and take control of it.

Some days I still feel that depression, that darkness, that despair, slowly creeping up on me getting ready to pounce any second.

It’s hard to believe I haven’t been suicidal or even thought of it in a serious or semi-serious way in six months. That is truly unbelievable to me. In 13, THIRTEEN years I have NEVER gone for more than four months, and usually not even that long without at least a little suicidal thought sneaking up on me because a depressed mood would sink in even if brief. My depression has always lifted completely for weeks or months for as long as I had it since 13 years old but always came back, to some degree, sometimes for a few days or few months before going again. Sometimes I would not be depressed and have no suicidal thoughts for four months and think I never would again, then depression would hit for a couple days, with suicidal thoughts, then go again and I would be happy for some more months or weeks. But those couple hours or days made it so I couldn’t go straight through without it.

But now? SIX months!!! And it’s all because of me. Because of the work I made a choice to do for myself. Of course I have had much help along the way but I am the main one.

I may have explained this to some extent on here before that there are different degrees of feeling suicidal.

There’s the brief, fleeting thought that ends as quickly as it appears.

Then there’s the ones that linger for a while.

There’s contemplation which is often accompanied by ambivalence.

Then there’s serious contemplation.

Then there’s the plan where the mind is made up for sure.

Then there’s the urges, compulsions where it feels that it has to be done now. There’s no more contemplation or ambivalence or uncertainty. It’s like this is it, it will happen soon or now.

I have felt all of this at various different points and it’s not pleasant. And it’s not a choice.

Actions are usually a choice but the thoughts and feelings are not.

I have learned how to often detect an impending episode that is about to occur and prevent it before it does. I am usually successful with this now.

Today, Friday, I have felt sluggish, almost depressed, in pain, still grieving over the loss of my dog, Koko.

I think of happy memories of her and smile brightly but I still cannot yet bring myself to look at pictures of her. But today I accidentally saw one of me holding her in a Christmas stocking and smiling brightly, four years ago.

I smiled but the pain was so deep. And that added to my sluggish, painful state today. Work cheered me up though and so did the rain.

It’s ok to grieve and to always sense that loss. It’s healthy.

It’s part of living. Part of loving.

I felt true depression coming on and it was about to be the suicidal kind. I can’t say how I know. I just do. After fourteen years of depression, off & on, I just know these things although they cannot be explained. So so badly I wanted to just give in and succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts/contemplation. It was taking too much energy to not give in.

Then these lyrics came to my mind and hit me hard. Right in the gut. Right in the heart as if to say “Come to your senses!”. “Get a grip!”. “Stop this utter ridiculousness!”

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

I will not succumb. I will not give in. I will not give up.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger”

I will be satisfied with, fulfilled, and thankful for all I have but I will still be passionately driven to seek more of life, more knowledge, more opportunities to learn, to live, to love, to help….

I will never lose that hunger.

I will dance.

This song gives me chills.

And I want to dedicate it to everyone who may be struggling for any reason at all, anyone who is coming close to or considering giving up, and everyone who has that hunger and will never ever give up and will choose to dance. Always. ❤

When one door closes, never be afraid to open another.

😀

Xox0 Kim ❤