(Words are censored because I sometimes copy/paste posts off of Facebook to here or here to Facebook where certain words can get us a suspension or post removal. They can’t detect context. So I can be posting about donating blood. It will see blood and automatically detect it as violence. Also, I censor common trigger words that people with trauma history may see.)

Content warning ⚠️!!!!! There is a picture of a human kidney in this post!! It will gross you out lol It’s not a scan image, it’s the kidney after it was taken out of my body before it was sent to its new person. I asked the surgeon to take a pic for me 😆😁

Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel

Questions we get asked as altruistic/non directed/living kidney donors and my responses:

1.) What if your child/family member needs a kidney transplant in the future, and now you can’t give them yours? Would you regret it?

Nahh.

This is probably the most frequent question.

I could not regret saving/attempting to save a life. I did what I felt called to do when I did. And if someone in my family needed a kidney transplant after I donated to a stranger, I would remember that someone else’s family needed that kidney too and are no less worthy or less important than my family member. I wouldn’t be kicking myself wishing I held out knowing a whole other life is spared and enhanced. Of course if my family member needed a kidney transplant I would have given mine when I had two. But since that wasn’t the case, I wouldn’t regret it if it happens later. How could I regret someone else’s child, mom, grandad, sister, niece, best friend, husband….or just a person being alive??

And I would remember that there are kind people out there who would donate an organ to a stranger like I did and have hope that one of them would help my family member the way I helped someone else’s. I couldn’t imagine not helping someone when I’m passionate about it because maybe someone I know will need me later. That may never happen and then someone would be sick or dying, and I would miss the opportunity to get to experience being a living organ donor. It makes no sense to me to hold out for something that is very unlikely to happen when something is already happening now that needs tending to. Also, who is to say I will be healthy enough later? Health is so fleeting & fragile. I may not be qualified later if my family member needs one. People take good health for granted just assuming we’ll always be healthy. This question shows that in the assumption that I would still be healthy enough later to help a family member. I hope I will. But unfortunately there’s no guarantee. To be a living kidney donor, we also have to be financially fit enough and have appropriate life/work circumstances. At one point years ago my circumstances changed, and I wasn’t financially qualified or able to take off work for recovery and wasn’t sure when/if I would ever be qualified again. I got super lucky when things changed again for the better. There’s also no guarantee my financial/work/life situation won’t change again. I would miss my chance. I am nothing but lucky to have the gift of this very rare experience.

2.) What if your kidney goes/went to a Donald Trump supporter/Republican/some @$$hole?

🤣😂😆😭 As long as it’s not a Cowboys fan, we’re good!

Jk!

Altruistic or non directed kidney donation is certainly not for everyone. It’s not for the faint of heart. There are people who say they would love to donate a kidney to a stranger but are too afraid it will go to someone they feel is undeserving like people with certain political or religious views. I have read stories by people who donated their kidney but absolutely had to be sure it was going to someone who has Liberal political views like them or had to be sure the person has personality traits they like. They can’t be a non directed donor with this frame of mind. It can truly take a toll on someone emotionally to keep wondering if the person who has their kidney is worthy or if they find out who the person is and they don’t measure up to their standards. They have to go looking for a specific person in need and make sure that person measures up. I don’t understand it myself, I could never choose out of a list of people and decide someone is worthy of my kidney but someone else is not or prefer one over another out of multiple strangers, but whatever floats their boat, it’s their body and their journey, and their choice. If they want to save a life but only one they feel is worth it, that is valid. There is a website, MatchingDonors, where potential donors & recipients can browse and read profiles by people offering a kidney and needing a kidney. Like a dating website but instead of finding our perfect romantic match, we find our perfect kidney match. Their pictures show up and any information they share about themselves. I tried it years ago and couldn’t choose. I knew altruistic/non directed donation is for me or if I just happen to see one particular person in need. But I couldn’t choose one of many. I wanted to help them all. Some tugged on my heartstrings more than others. But I could never choose.

It takes a certain kind of person to donate to a random anonymous stranger we know nothing about. It takes more than just compassion. It takes a strong stomach and a certain way of thinking. We have to truly believe every/almost every life matters and detach. We have to accept that our kidney can be keeping someone alive we absolutely would not be able to stand if we met them. Someone with values or personality traits we abhor. We have to feel that we not liking someone doesn’t mean they are less worthy just because we don’t like them. We have to step out of that egoistic, self important way of thinking to be able to be ok with non directed donation. Self important /egoistic in this sense is ok because kidney donation is an act of kindness, not an obligation. It’s completely valid to choose who we would and would not donate to or not donate at all. But it is egoistic to a certain degree, to decide one person is worth it and not another, and it does require us to avoid that sentiment that someone is inferior or unworthy “because *I* don’t like them” because “*my* opinion of them is the one that matters.” If we cannot overcome that sentiment, altruistic kidney donation is not for us. You know how ticked off you are every single day on social media. I see it every single day, my social media friends furiously bashing people of different political or religious views, arguing viciously with people then blocking them and still complaining about them after they’re gone, mocking people they don’t like, even wishing d3ath on certain people, laughing at some people who died. Could you handle it if your kidney was in one of their bodies keeping them alive? My self proclaimed Liberal humanitarian friends relentlessly mock some famous people who die, often because they’re Conservatives, sometimes because they’re greedy billionaires.

What if instead of one of them dying, they were still kicking and with YOUR kidney? If they were healthy and thriving and going on doing whatever they’re doing because your body part is keeping them going? Just imagine. Like I said, it takes a strong stomach lol

The way I see it is that a whole person is just that. A whole person. There’s more to every person than just their views/religion, more than just the aspects we see and cannot stand. They have interests, roles they play to others, goals… whatever I don’t like about them is only one aspect. And someone else loves them just how they are. Why does me not liking them make them less worthy when someone else does like them? My opinion is no more important than the opinion of the person who loves them. Someone isn’t less worthy just because *I* don’t like the person. I may not want to be their friend or not want them in my space, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be their kidney donor.

For example, those Donald Trump supporters. They wake up and drink coffee every morning, they go to work, they laugh at jokes them and their friends tell each other, they walk their dogs, they take their son to a ballgame and take their daughter out to lunch. They go home at night and watch their favorite movie or read their favorite books. They feel the same exact pain you feel when they get injured or sick. They feel the same fear if a g u n is pointing at them or they’re diagnosed with a devastating illness. They have the same longings to love and be loved and to live. If you cut them, they bl33d the same red. They have a whole life other than whatever someone doesn’t like about them. Who is to say they don’t deserve to live it?

I am reminded of Jeremy Bentham asking

Can they suffer?

In terms of whether or not animals are worthy of rights.

“The question is not, Can they reason?, nor Can they talk? but, Can they suffer? Why should the law refuse its protection to any sensitive being?” – Bentham (1789)

To me the question isn’t, Do I like them?, nor Do I agree with them? but, Can they suffer?

Also, are you a potential organ donor? Does your ID say you’re an organ donor? If yes, you may be donating to someone you wouldn’t like some day. You think all your organs that can be donated are going to only people who you would like and agree with on everything there is to agree on? Think again lol (I would not knowingly donate my kidney to a cold blo0ded murder3r, or a known terr0rist or domestic abus3r or serious s*x offenders or someone who has a lot of power and would use it for destructive things,…I would not want to aid in or support their large-scale destructive actions/energy in the world, but if my kidney happened to go to one of them, I would not regret my act of kindness because at least I tried to help, and it doesn’t take away any of the kindness on my part, a loving act is a loving act, there’s two aspects to donating a kidney, the practical help it offers someone and just the fact we did something so amazing. If my kidney went to an a-hole, it’s still an amazing thing I did)

I do not have a preference. I’m a Liberal atheist. If I found out the kidney I gave away is now making pee in someone who is a Christian Conservative and goes around calling people like me “snowflakes” and “sheeple” and “libtards” and “woke” and “commies,” (🤣😂) so be it. I’ll give you my kidney just before blocking you on social media 😆

To me, there is something beautiful about altruistic/non directed kidney donation. Not knowing, not caring who our kidney goes to because every life matters. So universal loving! Of course all kidney donations are equally beautiful. But non directed has this unique aspect to it.

The way I see it, what makes someone worthy of my kidney is the fact that they are suffering/have the ability to suffer, not that they agree with me on something or are a pleasant or kind or compassionate person. We all suffer or have the ability to suffer the same way irrespective of our views or personality traits or likability.

3.) What if you need a kidney transplant in the future?

I’m on the priority transplant list now, so if I ever need one, I can get one fairly quickly. Since I donated a kidney, I won’t have to wait years like the average person in need of a new kidney. I can get a living donor kidney within weeks/months very likely. Even if that wasn’t an option for me, I would have donated. The chances are very slim. And if it were to happen, I would deal with it just like everyone else who needs a kidney transplant deals with it. At least I would be able to say I’m sick because I took a chance and helped someone. So many are sick just because. I have a way better chance of being in a car crash, yet I still get into cars. And no one questions it. I’m much more likely to be a victim of g u n v!olence in the U.S than develop kidney failure, yet I’m out all day & night walking the streets of Philadelphia where g u n v!olence is rampant. And no one (except my mom) questions it or has an issue with it.

I’m rarely to never questioned on why I get into cars or don’t live in a bubble so I don’t get sh0t or ass@ulted or sick. But when it comes to a loving act of kindness to literally save a life, people question why I would or make remarks to say/imply that I shouldn’t have because of a risk to my own safety.

Someone may say getting into cars and going outside are worth the risks because it’s necessary, it’s needed to live life. This kidney transplant was necessary. It was needed for someone to live. That person is no less worthy or important than I am that my needs are worth certain risks but theirs aren’t.

4.) What ever possessed you to give your organ away to a stranger/to lay on an operating table and risk dying for a total stranger? (Or something of this sort, but “possessed” has come up a few times 😆)

The philosophy that every life matters and that if we have more than enough of something (money, health, resources…) it‘s an even greater gift to share that with someone less fortunate in that respect. Remember all deceased organ donors donate to strangers. And blood donors too. What’s the difference if I’m alive and donate to a stranger? I donate blood regularly to random strangers. What’s the difference? If you checked yes to organ donation on your driver’s license and you die in a way where you can be an organ donor, you’ll be doing what I did, donating to a complete stranger. Is that such a wild cr@zy idea? To reach out and help a fellow human?

5.) What if you suffer a complication?

I may or may not suffer a complication, but for someone else there is no maybe. A person on dialysis or about to begin dialysis doesn’t have the luxury of maybe that I have. They are already suffering a complication. I’m lucky & privileged to even have that “maybe.”

Also, I hope I would never not do something that deeply resonates with me because of fear. Avoiding things we’re passionate about because of fear, is no way to live, in my opinion. I prefer to take chances if it’s something I truly want and feel called to do and whatever happens happens than living in a safe bubble not fully living and then dying as an old woman. What if I did not do this and wouldn’t have suffered a complication? I would miss out on the experience and always wishing I chose to go through with it and wondering what if I did. It has been on my mind every single day for over five years and on my mind off & on for many years before that. It was never something I could ever regret no matter what. It’s my dream come true!

6.) “I would never give my kidney to a stranger/anyone, you’re a better person than I am.”

This is a response I have received by a few people.

No one is a better person for doing an act of kindness. “You’re a better person than I am” only applies, in my opinion, if you’re going around intentionally interfering with or hurting others while I’m not.

7.) Are/were you scared?

Yes!! It took brass ovaries, and I got’em. The two weeks before surgery, my body would be gripped in a sense of panic waking up in the mornings. Sometimes it would feel that “fight or flight” response. Occasionally it felt like it thought it was getting ready to die. Lol Dramatic. My worst, pretty much only, fear was that I would experience prolonged fatigue when I live a very active life. Thankfully got no fatigue at all! On the morning of the surgery, I woke up completely calm and peaceful & hopeful, no anxiety or fear at all walking into the hospital with my two kidneys getting ready to send one off to a great new home. 💚

8.) What if you die/would have died on the operating table?

Very very unlikely. But what better way to go than in my sleep and saving someone else’s life? 😁

9.) Have you met/do you want to meet your recipient?

No, I haven’t. And not necessarily. I do not mind either way. I don’t have the burning desire or curiosity that many anonymous donors seem to have. For me it wasn’t a social call but an attempt to enhance & extend someone’s life. If they reach out to me ever, I will be delighted. But if not, I’ll live. Lol Each transplant center has their own rules for when an anonymous donor or recipient is allowed to contact the other, anonymously. Some have to wait up to a year. So my recipient may not be allowed to contact me yet. I was allowed to contact them right away but did not. I may send them a card for our first Kidneyversary next year to brighten their day. My transplant center would send it to theirs. Not knowing who they are or if they’re grateful does not lessen the joy of my experience. Occasionally I’m slightly curious of the age & gender of the person.

10.) Has your life changed since donating a kidney?

Only in my mind. It’s the most amazing experience, I am filled with joy & ecstasy. I understand the meaning of “intimate strangers,” knowing a complete stranger and me are the only two in the world to have had this kidney in our bodies, that we both laid on an operating table on the same morning to become connected to each other forever. I know that everywhere I go, I’m very likely to be the only one there with one kidney. Every room I walk into, I’m the only one there who gave a kidney away and knows this rare unique experience. It’s an isolated feeling but not in a negative way.

After two weeks I was almost 100% my usual self. I jokingly asked if they even took the kidney. After a month I was 100%. I would never know I only have one kidney or had surgery if not for my memories & the beautiful scars.

Here are the lifelong restrictions/lifestyle changes I was told by my team:

1.) No NSAIDS
2.) No natural herb supplements
3.) No supplements made outside the U.S.
4.) Blo0d pressure check every six months
5.) kidney function tests once a year
6.) Extra water

11.) Can you still have kids?

Yes! Having only one kidney does not affect fertility at all. It does make it a “high risk” pregnancy though, so for women/birthing people who donate a kidney and decide to become pregnant later, it’s important to let their healthcare team know so they can be closely monitored to prevent very serious complications to the woman and the unborn. With close monitoring it can be a safe & healthy pregnancy.

12.) Are you religious/was this motivated by religious beliefs? No, I’m an atheist. I don’t need a god or religion to be compassionate or empathetic. My basic humanness is enough. I have felt it as a deep calling, it felt like something larger than me working through me, which is a bizarre experience for an atheist. And I have received what many believers would call “signs.” But I don’t believe in that. It was my desire to help someone that inspired me, and the deep calling feeling was just part of my experience. I don’t believe that any supernatural being would have been disappointed or punished me if I did not go through with it. And I don’t believe it scored me points with anyone or is my ticket into Heaven or some other afterlife. I just wanted to help someone!

💚

Living organ donation isn’t for everyone. These are just my experiences not something that everyone should feel for themselves. For me, living kidney donation truly felt like a calling. It was the easiest decision of this life of mine. I truly experience more stress trying to decide what flavor ice cream I want or if I want tea today or an iced latte 😂 No hesitation, no uncertainty whatsoever. I knew since the day I read a heartwarming story 15+ years before my donation, about a man who donated his kidney to an anonymous stranger, that I would one day do the same. I am 100% happy & thrilled with my decision. 💚🫘

Anyone interested in living kidney donation can check these out:

National Kidney Registry (the National Kidney Registry offers donor benefits like reimbursement for lost wages during recovery and travel/lodging expenses if necessary and a place on the priority list on the off chance the donor ever needs a kidney transplant in the future, also a kidney voucher for a friend/family member {or anyone} of the donor, so if someone they know ever needs a kidney transplant, since the donor donated to an anonymous stranger, they’ll let one person of the donor’s choice get a kidney transplant without waiting long, I donated my kidney voucher to another stranger, so two people are being helped through my one kidney donation)

Matching Donors (this website provides pictures and stories by people in need of a kidney transplant. Potential donors & recipients can browse and communicate with each other. A donor can choose to try to help a specific person, they may not be a match. But if they’re both associated with the National Kidney Registry, the donor can do a non directed donation and donate the voucher to the person they found on Matching Donors – this isn’t just for kidneys but other organs we can donate while alive also. Some people have donated their kidney AND a portion of their liver to different people {not at once lol usually have to wait around a year}! And it’s completely safe!)

Sending love to all!

Xoxo Kim 💋❤️