Oh Billie it’s fresh in my memory
The night that it had to be done
You with your pick axe and scissors
And you with your shovel and g u n

And I liked your late husband Donald
But such torture his memory brings
All sliced up and sealed tight in baggies
Guess love makes you do funny things

Oh Billie oh Millie, criminally insane

Content warning ⚠️: mental health/brief mention of a*use – any censored words is in case I share on FB where we can get suspended

I have a history of voluntary & involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations (for depression – haven’t been hospitalized in 15+ years). The hospital I was in, (I don’t remember the name, but they sent me outside of Philadelphia, I had no say in the matter), had a section for the “criminally insane” (I don’t know if that’s true for all psychiatric hospitals or whatever those hospitals are called these days, also don’t know exactly what constitutes “criminally insane.” {nor do I care, I see lots of boring debate over it in legal & medical contexts, I just have firsthand experience being hospitalized with them, but I don’t know all that legal/psych stuff, all I know is they were extremely dangerous to others, and we were not, though some of us were h0micidal too but in a less “insane” kind of way, not me, I was only ever s*icidal, but one of my roommates was h0micidal against everyone when she would have fits of uncontrollable rage, she was the sweetest thing, small pretty blonde girl who I wished was my friend outside the hospital, we planned to meet up when we got out of there, but it never happened, unfortunately. She was my bff in there, we were inseparable. The staff used to say our friendship was so sweet & cute. We just clicked and even unexpectedly had matching pj’s, which made us & the staff laugh! She had pretty pastel pink ones with penguins, and I had the same but pastel blue. We did everything together in there. If we got assigned to a different activity, we would ask special permission to switch so we could stay together, they let us. The staff said it was good for us that we developed a bond like that and said we were attached at the hip. Everyone called us the prettiest girls in there and said we looked exactly alike, except she had blonde hair and was a bit taller and thinner than me and a few years younger, her hair was long, but mine was longer, nearly long enough to sit on. It touched the floor when I sat on it or when I laid in bed and tossed it over the side. They called us twins and sometimes even got us confused. Sometimes people would stop and do a double take when they saw us standing together because of how much we looked alike. Other patients constantly asked if we were sisters. I actually did not see the resemblance. I thought she was prettier than me but not in a self deprecating way. I thought I was pretty too. But she was striking in a way that isn’t normal. She looked like a model out of a Victoria’s Secret magazine. She also dressed like me. I was told to change when I walked out of our room in a belly shirt and low cut pants. So she had to call her mom and ask for more appropriate clothes because she had the same.

She wasn’t declared criminally insane but was prone to depression & random v!0lent outbursts where she wanted to k!ll anyone who was around her, including herself. In her normal state, she was quiet, calm, soft spoken, like me, and she had compassion for others. When she came out of her episodes, she was horrified at the things she said and her outbursts & threats against others. She experienced an unwanted pregnancy and had an abortion, and her boyfriend accused her of cheating because he said men everywhere come onto her, like that was her fault, and the stress of it all triggered a depressive episode for her. She said with her mental illness she wasn’t fit to be a mom or even carry a baby to term, so she terminated it. I was in there for a depressive episode that came on out of the blue, not triggered by any current life circumstances. She got released before me. We weren’t allowed to touch, it was against the rules. But we hugged goodbye anyway and were so sad to leave each other. After living together, even just very briefly, and sharing our deepest pain and laughing hysterically together all night, planning our escape, it felt like she was my family, like a long lost sister. We only knew each other very briefly, but I already loved her in a deep sisterly way. Sometimes we forgot where we were when we were laughing so hard together. We would paint pretty pictures together and hang them around our hospital room. I was grieving hard because before her, I had another sweet roommate who I loved and clicked with, sweet Holly, a girl suffering of paranoid schizophrenia, who got transferred to a different ward. They took her away and sent me Missy (her name wasn’t Missy, exactly, but it was a nickname I affectionately gave her, which she adored), a depressed girl, who I came to love just as much. I still remember her like it was yesterday. I don’t know that I would recognize her though if I ever saw her again all these years later. I’m still glad our paths crossed. Our very fleeting friendship still warms me, and the memories bring me joy. I hope to have a girl friendship like that again someday under better circumstances, of course lol and more long-term}).

The criminally insane were in a different part, but we would have food with them in the cafeteria each day, three times a day.
I remember one of my hospital friends asking a staff member who they were. We could tell they were different than us. They had a different air about them that was abnormal even for a psych hospital. Most would probably see them as more intimidating. They never scared me, but I could tell they weren’t to be messed with, and you probably wouldn’t want to turn your back on them unsupervised. Most of them were men/male presenting people. But there were women/fem presenting people among them also. They had shackles and more strict supervision. They weren’t allowed to roam the halls or the courtyards or socialize like us. We mostly only crossed paths with them in the cafeteria.

The psych. tech responded “The criminally insane” when my friend asked who they were across the cafeteria.

They would all eat their food on the other side of the cafeteria. Unlike the average or “regular” mentally ill person (or whatever we’re called these days lol I’m sure there’s a more “politically correct”/less offensive term for us), they were very dangerous. They would have v!olent outbursts against each other and staff. They couldn’t really do as much with their hands/legs, so they would try to charge at people and knock people with their heads. Lol They would jump up yelling and flip chairs and try flipping tables. The staff people would come up in back of them trying to restrain them, and they would headbutt them with the back of their heads. There was never a dull moment in the cafeteria.

It’s true, like the excerpt above says, it would be all quiet & calm then all of a sudden, all hell breaks loose for seemingly no reason. And they would set each other off. One would flip out then others would be triggered. They would try to att@ck whoever was there. Sometimes they were so v!olent and uncontrollable, they would have to be taken away to a different facility. Multiple staff members would be dragging them away as they kicked and screamed hysterically until they got the needle (this happened to us too though, we would get the needle or the quiet room for flipping out, the quiet room terrified me, I avoided it at all costs {solitary confinement, a wh!te padded room with no handle on the door n no windows, I have lifelong claustrophobia, which was very active back then}, I would take the needle any day).

It’s not like in the movies where they all have this camaraderie and plan their escape and all together and it’s them against the world. They try to k!ll each other just like they would anyone else. Those b-grade horror movies (which I love) portray the criminally insane as all buddy buddy with each other. They definitely aren’t. They probably don’t even have that capacity. If they did, they wouldn’t be how they are. (I’m guessing not all “criminally insane” people are the same, some aren’t this v!olent, I’m sure, and not all are v!olent against random people, but these people were, some may even be able to live normal lives if they get help, movies generally make mentally ill/criminally insane people out to be more dramatic than we really are because it makes for a more interesting movie. But there are definitely outbursts n stuff in psych hospitals and people who are overall dangerous – I wish there was a better way I knew how to write this, it comes off with a very strong sense of othering the criminally insane on my part, but not intentionally, it’s kind of cringey of me)

The “regular” mentally ill people had outbursts too each day, but not the same as them, ours was more like breakdowns and usually not against anyone. Theirs was against others and furious/more physical. The ordinary patients could definitely be v!olent against others too, usually the staff because the staff has authority, but usually not, and not like the criminally insane.

It’s easy to judge criminally insane people, but I feel sorry for them because I know ultimately they wouldn’t have chosen this life, this way of being, if they had a choice before coming into existence. As v!olent and terrible as they are or seem, even if it gives them a twisted satisfaction to hurt others, if they were asked before they were born if they wanted to live that kind of life or a life as a good person surrounded in love and being loving to others, most, if not all, would choose the life of love, not v!olence. Multiple factors, often beyond their control, all added up (a very large contributing factor usually being a*use or being unloved as a child) to make them this way. With that perspective, I can’t help but have compassion. They don’t want it any more than I do. It’s just I got lucky to have better circumstances, better upbringing, better genes…I lack all the contributing factors that they have the misfortune of falling victim to. It’s easy to sit here in my privilege and judge. But I rise above and expand my perspective and lean into my compassion.

Plastic forks and spoons
No laces in my shoes
They all know what I tried to do
Outside the Quiet Room
This quiet place
It ain’t so new to me
Its haunted atmosphere
Has heard so many scream
My home from home
My twilight zone
My strangest dream
My confidant
I have confessed my life
The Quiet Room
Knows more about me than my wife

This yellow text in the supernatural thriller I’m reading made me think of my own experience. I kind of miss those days Lol (I checked the copyright, ©️, the author gives permission to share short excerpts)

Thank you for any comments & likes I have received on other posts! I will get back to them! I am in the process of donating a kidney to a stranger! I received the news recently that I am pretty much qualified after six months of medical & psychiatric testing! I’m in above average physical health, but the social worker, who is a member of the transplant team/selection committee, is concerned about my mental health history. Anesthesia/major surgery can trigger a depressive episode even in a person without a depression history. So I’m at an elevated risk. I have to have another psych evaluation before I can be accepted to donate my kidney. If all goes well, I get to save a stranger’s life! 💚 The transplant could be as soon as September this year!!

I hope you are having beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim 😍